Unlocked Family Secrets The Daughter's Secret
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Short filmTranscript
00:00The perfect family.
00:01In our family, you didn't talk about the secret.
00:05I can't imagine having to live that life.
00:09Zoe was gone.
00:10What's going on?
00:12That was a secret you took to your grave.
00:14I had done something so devastating that I needed to be put away.
00:19This is a common work or an interview?
00:32All right, so where does this story begin?
00:37I actually start my story at a transition part for me.
00:45When my daughter Sullivan was born.
00:49She was just the most gorgeous little girl I've ever seen.
00:52But I already knew the second she was born that something was wrong.
01:00First it was just, can we keep this baby alive?
01:03Okay, now that we got this baby alive, what the heck is going on?
01:07And then the weeks of spending in the NICU and yet no answers at all.
01:12It was a big unknown.
01:14And then when she found out what was going on, she was heartbroken.
01:19Ultimately, Sully was diagnosed with a rare and incurable genetic disorder called Prader-Willi Syndrome.
01:27I was told her development would be severely impacted.
01:30She would need 24-7 in-home care.
01:33And she might not live past the age of 30.
01:36Part of me felt that God was punishing me.
01:41But the worst part was feeling like Sully was punished as a result of what I had done as a 16-year-old girl.
01:48Okay, who's going to be what?
01:56Hello.
01:57Hi, it's yellow.
01:58Sage is blue.
01:58I'm red.
02:00I'm Dr. Zoe.
02:01I have five children.
02:04My day-to-day life is busy.
02:06One, two...
02:08Right now, I have two kids at home.
02:10My 11-year-old daughter, Siggy, and my 18-year-old daughter, Sully.
02:15You're green, Sully.
02:16We have soccer on weekends, and I'm a scout leader.
02:20The word is dreamland.
02:23Dreamland.
02:24I'm a psychotherapist, author, speaker, podcaster.
02:28Today, we're going to be talking about what do you do when life hits you out of the blue with something devastating?
02:39To come from where I was, keeping the secret for so long and being so ashamed, it's been hard work.
02:47To understand my secrets, you have to understand how I was raised in a prominent black family, the only black family, in rural Smithsburg, Maryland.
03:07So, we're all about 18 months apart.
03:10Edward is the oldest.
03:12Zoe's the middle.
03:14And then I'm the baby.
03:15My mom was the most beautiful woman.
03:19She was a stay-at-home mom.
03:21She dedicated her life to us.
03:23My dad, Robert W. Hunt, he was the third generation of doctors in his family.
03:29My dad loved my mom so much.
03:32They met when my mom was 16.
03:35They got married when my mom was 18.
03:37I think by the time my mom was 21, she'd had all three of us.
03:45It was very strict growing up.
03:48We were only allowed to listen to Christian music in the home.
03:53We started going to a small church called Emanuel Chapel.
03:59There, my parents transitioned into more fundamental Christianity.
04:03And so, Christianity and morality and right and wrong became not just something that, you know, you did on Sunday for two hours.
04:12It was pretty much 24-7.
04:15In my family, being a good Christian was the foundation.
04:19But equally important was achievement.
04:21Because we come from a long lineage of black excellence.
04:26My great-grandfather, Gurney Holloway, he went to Harvard.
04:33He was an M.D.
04:34And then Josephine, his wife.
04:37She was such a pioneer.
04:38At the time, they didn't allow black Girl Scout troops, so she started her own.
04:42Now they have a street named after her in Nashville, Tennessee.
04:47On my mom's side, the grandfather I'm named after was head of the biochemistry department at Meharry Medical College.
04:53One of my mom's sisters did some of the pioneering research on aspirin.
04:57My parents went to HBCUs.
04:59And so, I very much grew up in a prominent black family.
05:05Appearances, of course, were super important.
05:07And it's always trying to dispel the myth of all these negative connotations of what blackness means in this country.
05:201989, I made the track team.
05:23Ninth grade year.
05:27So, I was smart.
05:29And I was athletic.
05:31But when it came to my father, if I got a B, he'd be like, why wasn't it an A?
05:35Hey, if I want to track me, you know, did you break a record?
05:39There was just an expectation of excellence.
05:43And then, ninth grade was also when I met Vinny.
05:50He was a baseball player.
05:52He had this barrel chest and engaging smile.
05:57And Vinny had also grown up in a fundamental Christian home.
06:02The way my parents received anybody in our lives was they didn't matter unless they helped us be better or didn't get in our way.
06:10And so, he was just the boyfriend.
06:13You know, be good to her, make her happy, or it's not going to be pretty.
06:16So, I was, you know, now dating this 18-year-old college baseball player.
06:24And I was really excelling academically and in athletics.
06:29Colleges were already starting to reach out.
06:32I think my family and I had a lot of expectations that I would continue to do well.
06:39Until all of a sudden the train jumped off the rails.
06:41I was 15.
06:47All of my friends were very smart, academic, athletes.
06:51We were all going places.
06:53And I was pregnant.
06:56I started coming up here this summer between my freshman and sophomore year.
07:07I was able to cry.
07:08I was able to yell.
07:10And nobody would hear me.
07:13I just felt like I needed to get away.
07:17My mom definitely warned me not to be that kind of girl who, you know, had sex before marriage.
07:29I was just so embarrassed and ashamed that I had made such a bad choice getting pregnant.
07:41And so, I had the conversation with Vinny.
07:44And his response was, well, you know, we can't keep it.
07:49It was an early fall morning.
07:58I was skipping school for the first time.
08:00Vinny drove up near the gym.
08:04And I came out of those doors and hopped in the car.
08:08And we turned around and drove away.
08:13He was like, are you okay?
08:14I'm like, yeah, I'm okay.
08:15I wasn't okay.
08:17But what do you say when you're getting ready to, you know, have an abortion?
08:27I was taught that having an abortion was killing a child.
08:33But I went inside.
08:37There were other girls who were getting abortions.
08:40And there was a woman that gave us all these little blue pills.
08:46She said it would just relax us before the procedure.
08:56Then she took me into the examination room.
09:02I laid on the table.
09:04The doctor came in and proceeded to do the ultrasound.
09:19And there was just something inside of me that just revolted.
09:30I just jumped off the table, put my clothes on, and I walked out.
09:43After that, I remember asking Vinny, are you mad at me?
09:48And he said, no, but, you know, you have to tell your parents.
09:51I couldn't see a world where I could tell my parents.
09:58And so I didn't.
10:00I just continued on with my life.
10:03I started wearing baggy clothes, and I had to hide my morning sickness.
10:09No clue.
10:10No clue whatsoever.
10:12Didn't know anything was different.
10:13I remember I was almost found out because track had started.
10:18And I took my sweatshirt off, and my coach said,
10:21you're kind of out of shape, but we'll be fine, you know.
10:24And then my mom started seeing the different behavior.
10:29And one day, she said, Zoe, are you pregnant?
10:35Even with her directly asking me, I could not tell her.
10:40And so my mom found this doctor.
10:43We had to drive far, someplace where no one knew us.
10:48And the doctor confirmed the pregnancy.
10:52And I remember my mom telling me, you can't stay home.
10:59This is a bad example to Yolanda.
11:02I had done something so devastating that I needed to be put away.
11:10The Liberty Godparent Home.
11:12Jerry Falwell founded this life-giving ministry
11:15that offers an alternative to the profit-motivated abortion industry.
11:19What type of girl comes here?
11:21We've had girls as young as 10 years old, up to 47.
11:26My parents donated heavily to Jerry Falwell,
11:30and so they devised this plan.
11:32I was going to have to go to this unwed pregnancy home in Virginia.
11:39This plan would be our secret, my parents and mine.
11:44And to keep it, they told everyone else a different story.
11:48My teachers, my track coach, even my brother and sister.
11:51It was Christmas break.
11:57My mom came up to my room and said,
12:01meet me in the car in five minutes.
12:05We leave the house.
12:07Edward's in the car.
12:08I'm just like, what is going on?
12:11Zoe's not coming?
12:13No, okay.
12:15We go to Hardee's.
12:17We were sitting in a booth, and my dad says that.
12:24Zoe was having psychological problems.
12:28And that she needed to go away to deal with him.
12:33And if other people asked where she went,
12:35we were told to say that she decided to go to boarding school,
12:38and then that was that.
12:39I remember saying, can we visit her?
12:42And he said no, that it would interfere with her treatment.
12:47Growing up, you know, whatever my parents said was what was happening.
12:51So I didn't question it.
12:53The next morning, Zoe left.
12:59Walking into the home
13:00was like being transported back to the 1950s.
13:07I was terrified.
13:10I'd never seen so many pregnant girls at one time before.
13:14There were probably about 20 of us.
13:18We were housed in the same building, essentially,
13:22as the adoption agency that would take our children.
13:25We are an adoption agency.
13:27We have 100 applications from solid Christian families
13:30for every baby we have.
13:32Call that toll-free number.
13:36People back home thought that I was at boarding school.
13:39I wasn't aware of any rumors that were circulating about me.
13:45There was this girl saying that my sister was pregnant.
13:49And my mom told me to confront the girl
13:52for telling lies about my sister.
13:58So, on my 16th birthday,
14:01I was about six months pregnant.
14:02I found out that I was having a girl,
14:06and I came up with the name Kaya Embriel.
14:11I had a lot of fantasies,
14:14but
14:14I did get some letters from my mom.
14:19She indicated to me
14:21if I were to keep my baby
14:24that our relationship would change
14:26and I would lose my mom.
14:32My mother would have never picked a babysitter for me
14:35by looking at some pictures
14:37and an album.
14:40But here I am,
14:41eight months pregnant,
14:42picking parents for my child
14:44by looking at some pictures
14:46and an album.
14:53I remember one day
14:55my mom was talking to somebody on the phone,
14:59frenzied.
15:00She gets off the phone.
15:02Zoe's ready to be discharged.
15:03I have to go pick her up.
15:06She left immediately.
15:15I was very relieved to see my mom.
15:18But I remember
15:19I had asked the nurse
15:21if I could have some,
15:23you know, medication.
15:24and
15:25my mom,
15:27she shook her head
15:28like I deserve to
15:31experience this pain.
15:34But
15:34my Kaya,
15:36I birthed her
15:39May 9th, 1991.
15:45It was late evening
15:46by the time I had her.
15:47and in the morning
15:50it was time to go.
15:53I remember telling her
15:54that I couldn't keep her
15:55and
15:56that
15:57I remember
15:58I'm sorry,
16:00I'm going to need to take a break.
16:06I told her
16:07she would have a good life
16:08and
16:09that that's what I wanted
16:10for her
16:11and
16:12please don't hate me.
16:19It just left my baby upstairs
16:20and I come down
16:22and my mom pulls around
16:23and it was a two-seater
16:25Pontiac Fiero
16:26red.
16:27Like,
16:28surprise,
16:28here's your new car.
16:34The license plate
16:38said Sprinter,
16:40which
16:40for me
16:41was just a reminder
16:42like,
16:43you're not a mother,
16:44you're a Sprinter.
16:45And it just kind of
16:46hit me like
16:47it's a two-seater.
16:49Like,
16:49there's no option
16:50of bringing
16:51Kaya home.
16:55I knew
16:56that my mom's
16:57main goal
16:58was to return me
16:59to my prior
16:59unburdened
17:00teenage life.
17:03These are pictures
17:04of me
17:05when I was
17:06at the birth home.
17:08We couldn't go home
17:08because I still
17:09looked pregnant.
17:11And so we went
17:11to a hotel
17:12and
17:13I remember
17:15in the middle
17:16of the night
17:17I woke up
17:18and I heard
17:20moaning
17:21and crying
17:23and it took me
17:24a few seconds
17:25before I realized
17:26that it was me.
17:28And that's a blanket
17:29that I crocheted
17:30for her.
17:33And the next day
17:34my mom took me
17:35to go get
17:35some corsets,
17:38something to
17:39hold in my stomach.
17:43And my parents
17:44sent me back
17:46to high school.
17:48Number 11,
17:49number 11,
17:50number 11.
17:51Basically it was
17:52Zoe's back.
17:53I was like,
17:54oh, okay,
17:55great.
17:55Business as usual.
17:58Vinny and I
17:58continued to go out
18:00and
18:01I
18:02pretended
18:03nothing had ever
18:04happened.
18:06I understood
18:07this is a very
18:08big secret
18:08that I have to keep.
18:12Maybe
18:12a couple days
18:13a week later
18:14Zoe literally
18:16just called me
18:17in the room
18:17and said,
18:17hey,
18:17I've got to
18:18tell you
18:18something.
18:19And she
18:20showed me
18:21pictures
18:21of her,
18:22you know,
18:22big belly.
18:24She said,
18:25I had a baby.
18:27It wasn't
18:28big shock.
18:30At some point
18:31I was snooping
18:32around in her room.
18:33I found pictures
18:34of her pregnant.
18:37I was just like,
18:39oh,
18:40I never said
18:41anything
18:42to her
18:44about it
18:45at all.
18:45In our family,
18:50you didn't talk
18:51about
18:51the secret.
18:54These are
18:54pictures that
18:55the adoptive
18:56family
18:56sent to me.
19:00Vinny and I
19:00got letters
19:01the first year
19:02and then
19:04they sent me
19:06this one.
19:07It says,
19:07dear birth mother,
19:09our baby is
19:10doing fine.
19:11She can say
19:12about five words
19:13hi,
19:13bye-bye,
19:14mommy,
19:14daddy,
19:15and uh-oh.
19:17Enclosed
19:18are the last
19:19set of pictures
19:19we will be sending.
19:23Basically,
19:24we're going on
19:24with our life,
19:25you go on
19:25with your life.
19:28Getting that
19:28last letter
19:29was hard.
19:33I didn't realize
19:34the effect
19:35that it would
19:35have on me.
19:39Wow,
19:40I can't believe
19:41that my name
19:42is still here.
19:44100-meter
19:45hurdles,
19:46long jump,
19:47triple jump.
19:49That's cool.
19:51I poured
19:52everything I had
19:53into track.
19:56And it really
19:57helped with my
19:58grieving.
19:58what I learned
20:02to do
20:03was put up
20:04the facade
20:05of Zoe,
20:07local track star,
20:09because
20:11what I wasn't
20:12was a mother.
20:13Come on,
20:14Zoe,
20:14keep it up!
20:15Push, girl,
20:15push!
20:16Push,
20:16push,
20:17Zoe!
20:17push!
20:18Push,
20:18push!
20:18Push,
20:19push!
20:19Push!
20:20Push!
20:21Push!
20:21Push!
20:21Push!
20:22My relationship
20:22with Vinny
20:23was the only
20:24remaining connection
20:25that I had
20:25with my secret
20:26daughter.
20:26Push!
20:27Push!
20:27Push!
20:28After I graduated,
20:29I made the hard
20:30choice to break up
20:31with him.
20:31I kind of wanted
20:33him to ask me
20:34to marry him,
20:35and I had wished
20:36that maybe he
20:37had, you know,
20:38done something
20:39to help me
20:41keep Kaya,
20:42but he didn't.
20:45What I didn't know
20:47at that time
20:47was that my father
20:49had confronted
20:49Vinny before
20:51Kaya was born.
20:54My dad
20:55basically
20:56told him,
20:58you know,
20:58look,
20:58we're not gonna
20:59mess up Zoe's life,
21:00and if you try
21:01to help her
21:03keep the baby,
21:04I'll get you
21:06prosecuted
21:06for statutory rape.
21:09That's why he
21:09never pushed
21:11it all
21:11to try
21:12to keep Kaya.
21:16In June 1993,
21:18just weeks
21:19after breaking
21:19up with Vinny,
21:21I was in Los Angeles
21:22competing for
21:23the Junior National
21:23Track Team.
21:28My mom and I
21:29were walking
21:29along the City Walk
21:31Universal,
21:33and I saw
21:34this actor.
21:35His name
21:36was Stan Shaw.
21:37He was probably
21:3841 at that time.
21:40I asked
21:41him for his
21:42autograph.
21:43We started
21:43talking,
21:44and he asked
21:45me out to
21:46dinner.
21:49We went
21:50to eat,
21:52and we
21:52really connected.
21:55And he asked
21:56me to marry
21:57him that night.
21:59I said yes.
22:00you know,
22:03it was one of
22:04those romantic
22:05moments where
22:06you get caught
22:07up.
22:09Ultimately,
22:10my parents
22:10were supportive.
22:12This marriage
22:13could bring
22:13stability to
22:14my life.
22:15Besides,
22:16I felt like
22:17I was damaged
22:18goods,
22:19and this would
22:20exonerate me.
22:22But I knew
22:23that I had to
22:25tell him
22:26the secret.
22:26I have
22:34presented to you
22:35Mr. and
22:36Mrs.
22:37Stan Shaw.
22:42Stan and I
22:42got married
22:43about a year
22:44after we met,
22:45June 1994.
22:48It was the
22:50wedding of the
22:50century in
22:51Hagerstown.
22:53Tom Luke was
22:53one of the
22:54groomsmen.
22:54part of
22:56growing up
22:58in a very
22:59strict Christian
23:00home is
23:01shame over
23:02premarital sex.
23:03And, you
23:04know, the
23:04fix to that
23:05is to get
23:05married.
23:06So there
23:07was a sense
23:07of my
23:08past is
23:10behind me.
23:11You can go
23:12on and have
23:13a normal
23:13life despite
23:15the scarlet
23:16letter.
23:17But
23:18being married
23:20to this
23:21Hollywood actor,
23:23it was
23:23pretty
23:24overwhelming
23:24for a
23:2519-year-old
23:25girl.
23:27I had to
23:28reconcile my
23:29secrets with
23:29Stan and
23:31figure out how
23:31they would
23:32impact our
23:33marriage.
23:34We had a
23:35conversation about
23:36Kaya before
23:37we actually got
23:38married.
23:40And he was
23:40just like,
23:41oh yeah,
23:41I'm fine with
23:41it.
23:42But our
23:44entire marriage,
23:45there was that
23:45unspoken,
23:47we're going to
23:47pretend like that
23:48didn't happen.
23:50I definitely
23:51worked on
23:53trying to
23:53be a
23:54perfect wife
23:55and that
23:56meant keeping
23:57the secret.
23:58Zoe,
23:59keep being
24:00yourself.
24:01I know you'll
24:02be a great
24:02wife and
24:02eventually a
24:03great mother.
24:03I spent my
24:13late teens and
24:14early 20s as
24:15a scholarship
24:15athlete at
24:16UCLA by
24:17day and
24:18a wife to
24:19actor Stan
24:20Shaw by
24:20night.
24:22From the
24:23outside looking
24:23in, everything
24:24seemed perfect,
24:26especially after
24:27I got pregnant
24:27with our first
24:28child.
24:29I can
24:31remember
24:31thinking she's
24:33going to have
24:34a baby that
24:35she can keep.
24:36We first
24:37met in
24:37birthing class.
24:39It was my
24:39first child and
24:40you know, I
24:41thought it was
24:42Zoe's first
24:42child too.
24:45Sakaya was
24:46born in
24:472001.
24:49I remember
24:49feeling the
24:51irony of
24:52everybody being
24:53so excited and
24:54all the
24:55celebration.
24:57I was
24:57absolutely
24:57thinking about
24:59Kaya, who
24:59I had lost.
25:03Zoe was
25:04very attached
25:05to her baby.
25:06Nobody watched
25:07her baby, just
25:08her.
25:09And I even
25:09asked, like,
25:10do you need a
25:10break?
25:11She goes, no,
25:11I just want to
25:12be with them
25:12all the time.
25:14Then I had
25:16Sage in
25:172004 and
25:19we had our
25:19two boys.
25:21But I didn't
25:22realize that I
25:23had such a
25:24deep-seated
25:25shame and it
25:26wasn't until I
25:27had Sully,
25:28that it all
25:28just kind of
25:29bubbled up.
25:32At 31,
25:33here I was
25:34with a daughter
25:34who would face
25:35incredible struggles
25:36for the rest of
25:37her life.
25:39On top of that,
25:40I had also never
25:40come to terms
25:41with the trauma
25:42of giving up
25:43my firstborn
25:44Kaya for
25:45adoption.
25:47So I had
25:48for years
25:50my Kaya
25:50suitcase.
25:52I kept the
25:53gown that I
25:53wore in the
25:53hospital.
25:54I kept the
25:55little onesie
25:56and her
25:57little cap,
25:58the pacifier
25:59and her
25:59first bottle.
26:01It was my
26:01little shrine.
26:03What I didn't
26:04know was that
26:05at the same
26:05time I was
26:06grieving my
26:07lost daughter,
26:09she was out
26:10there pining
26:11for me.
26:11I play the
26:17what-if game
26:18all the time.
26:20I know my
26:20parents love
26:21me, but
26:22my life would
26:24be completely
26:25different.
26:26Happy birthday
26:28to you.
26:31Happy birthday
26:32to you.
26:35I was born
26:35May 9,
26:361991.
26:38You know,
26:40Sarah means
26:41princess and
26:42I ran
26:42with that
26:43my wife.
26:46Go girl.
26:47I was the
26:48light of
26:48everyone's
26:48life.
26:49Throw me
26:49a kiss.
26:50I was
26:51spoiled.
26:52Will you
26:53got
26:53spilled?
26:55Then probably
26:56around fourth
26:57grade, I
26:58remember my
26:58parents sitting
26:58me down and
26:59telling me I
27:00was adopted.
27:02They said
27:03that my
27:04birth parents
27:05loved me and
27:06you know,
27:07they were just
27:08too young.
27:08but I
27:11always wanted
27:12to know
27:12more.
27:15So I
27:17am about
27:1813, 14,
27:19being curious,
27:21being sneaky.
27:23I'm going
27:23into my mom's
27:24room and
27:26she had a
27:27box.
27:29And in the
27:30box, I
27:32see a bunch
27:33of letters.
27:34It's Zoe
27:38and Vinny
27:39writing me
27:40letters.
27:41I just
27:42sat for
27:43hours just
27:44reading these
27:45letters.
27:47There were
27:47some pictures
27:48of Zoe
27:49and her
27:50kids.
27:51And then
27:52I found
27:54a locket.
27:56Zoe wanted
27:56me to have
27:57the locket
27:57on my
27:5816th birthday.
27:59It said,
28:02I love
28:02you.
28:04It meant
28:05everything.
28:08I hid the
28:09letters.
28:10I just
28:10kept them.
28:11I felt
28:12closer,
28:13you know,
28:14to her
28:14just reading
28:15her letters.
28:18So it was
28:19April 2010.
28:21That's when
28:22I got the
28:22call.
28:24It was
28:24Vinny,
28:25who rarely
28:26called me.
28:28He said,
28:28I have
28:29our
28:29daughter
28:30on the
28:30phone.
28:35And I
28:36got the
28:36call.
28:37I literally
28:38just dropped
28:38on the
28:39floor.
28:41And I
28:42was like,
28:42hi,
28:43like a
28:43nervous.
28:44And she
28:45was like,
28:45oh my
28:45gosh.
28:46We exchanged
28:47numbers and
28:48we talked,
28:50texted.
28:51It was
28:51literally Zoe's
28:52kid found
28:52her.
28:53Her name
28:53is Sarah
28:54now.
28:55And she's
28:56in Hagerstown,
28:57Maryland.
28:57And it
28:58was just
28:59like,
28:59oh,
29:00wow.
29:01I get a
29:02call from
29:02my sister.
29:03Up until
29:04then,
29:05Zoe had
29:05never told
29:06me about
29:07Sarah.
29:09I remember
29:10Zoe calling
29:11me out of
29:12the blue.
29:13I had a
29:13baby at
29:1416 and
29:15gave her
29:15up for
29:15adoption.
29:16And now
29:17she's reached
29:17out and I'm
29:18going to go to
29:19Vegas to
29:19meet her.
29:20Okay.
29:22Like,
29:22what?
29:23up until
29:25that moment
29:26I had
29:27acquiesced
29:28to all
29:29of the
29:29stories and
29:31secrets,
29:32right?
29:33And that
29:33was my
29:34first moment
29:34of defiance.
29:40April
29:416,
29:412010.
29:43I was in
29:44the airport
29:44and I was
29:46terrified.
29:47How do
29:47you prepare
29:48to meet
29:48your child,
29:49your adult
29:49child,
29:50for the
29:50first time?
29:52So I'm
29:52on an
29:52escalator
29:53going down
29:55and instantly
29:57I see her
29:58and I'm
29:59like,
29:59oh my God.
30:00I saw her
30:01at the top
30:02of the
30:02escalator.
30:03We just
30:03hugged
30:03each other.
30:05It was
30:05like it
30:06was just
30:07the two
30:07of us
30:07in the
30:08airport.
30:09I wanted
30:09to feel
30:10all these
30:10things and
30:11I saw
30:11her tear
30:12up.
30:13And as
30:14beautiful
30:15and amazing
30:16as that
30:16experience
30:17was,
30:18I couldn't
30:18even cry.
30:20It was
30:21like a
30:21block.
30:22I felt
30:23that emotional
30:24shutdown
30:25that's been
30:26a survival
30:26skill for
30:27me.
30:27But we
30:28had a
30:29weekend
30:29together.
30:33And we
30:34shared
30:3518 years
30:37of, you
30:38know,
30:38time that
30:39we'd been
30:39apart.
30:40I told
30:41Zoe,
30:42you know,
30:42I do
30:42forgive you.
30:44I understand
30:44life happens.
30:48And that's
30:48when I
30:49broke down.
30:51That's
30:51when I
30:52started
30:52crying.
30:54That fear
30:55that I
30:55had that
30:55she would
30:56hate me,
30:57none of
30:58that existed.
31:00She forgave
31:00me.
31:03Hi!
31:09There was
31:09a part
31:10of me
31:10that was
31:10worried that
31:11you wouldn't
31:12want to
31:13see me.
31:14Did you
31:14think about
31:15seeing me
31:17over the
31:17years?
31:19Of course.
31:20I mean,
31:20I was
31:20looking.
31:21I knew
31:21Vinny's
31:22last name.
31:23He put
31:23all the
31:24information
31:24in the
31:25letter.
31:26Last name,
31:27just everything.
31:28And they didn't cross that out?
31:29They did.
31:29They didn't cross it out good.
31:31Yes!
31:34So,
31:35I was at
31:35Morgan State
31:36in my dorm room.
31:38It was
31:38March 2010.
31:39I was 18.
31:42So I hold the letter
31:44up to the light
31:44and instantly,
31:46clear as day,
31:48it said
31:48Brown.
31:50Immediately,
31:51I'm on Facebook
31:52looking up
31:53Vincent Brown.
31:55I click
31:55Add Friend.
31:58And then he
31:59instantly
31:59messaged me.
31:59He was like,
32:01I think you're
32:01my daughter.
32:03Wow!
32:05The next day,
32:07we hung out
32:07for a little
32:08and he was like,
32:09I have to call Zoe.
32:11I have to let her know.
32:15And then I heard
32:16your voice.
32:18Hi!
32:20It was like
32:21an angel.
32:22I fantasized
32:23about it
32:23for
32:2418 years.
32:27I posted
32:28our trip
32:29on Facebook
32:29and my mom
32:31was like,
32:32so
32:32you met
32:34Zoe?
32:35Like,
32:36but she wasn't
32:36mad.
32:37They weren't
32:38upset at all.
32:41After Vegas,
32:42I went
32:45back home
32:45and put
32:47that relationship
32:48in a box.
32:50She was still
32:51a secret.
32:54Once Sarah
32:55found Zoe,
32:56my mom wanted
32:57to just keep it
32:58within our
32:59nuclear family
33:00and not let
33:01all the aunts
33:02and uncles
33:02and cousins
33:02know,
33:03you know,
33:03hi,
33:04we've been
33:04living a lie
33:04for the last
33:0520 years.
33:08Over the next
33:09four years,
33:11my parents
33:11met Sarah
33:12and they
33:13developed a
33:14relationship
33:14of their own.
33:16My dad and I
33:16never had a
33:17conversation
33:18about Sarah,
33:20but my mom
33:21and dad would
33:21go visit her
33:22sometimes
33:22where she
33:23worked.
33:24one night,
33:27it was 2014.
33:29My grandparents
33:30came out to
33:31Texas Roadhouse
33:32in Hagerstown.
33:33My grandfather
33:34loved Texas
33:34Roadhouse.
33:36I was their
33:36server,
33:37so we sat
33:38and talked
33:38a little bit.
33:42They went
33:43home that
33:43night
33:44and
33:45he had
33:46a heart
33:46attack.
33:47The world
33:51shifted
33:52and everything
33:52changed
33:53when my dad
33:53died.
33:55The whole
33:55family was
33:56coming to
33:57the funeral
33:57and Zoe
33:59did not feel
34:00like she
34:01could continue
34:02to deny
34:02Sarah.
34:04I'm not
34:05going to keep
34:05this a secret
34:06anymore.
34:12When my dad
34:13died in
34:142014,
34:17immediately
34:17my thought
34:19was,
34:20well,
34:20Sarah's
34:21got to be
34:22there.
34:23I need to
34:24tell everybody
34:25about Sarah.
34:29And I remember
34:30saying to my
34:30husband,
34:31I didn't ask
34:32him,
34:33I made it
34:33very clear,
34:34I am telling
34:34my kids.
34:35I sat them
34:36on the bed
34:37and I said,
34:39you have a
34:39sister that
34:41I had a long
34:42time ago.
34:43And my
34:44kids'
34:46mouths dropped
34:47open.
34:49And I tried
34:50to broach
34:50the situation
34:51with my mom.
34:53And there
34:54was just no
34:55reaction at all.
34:58Obviously,
34:58my mom had
34:59an atomic bomb
35:00dropped in her
35:01life with her
35:01husband dying
35:02and then she
35:02has to deal
35:03with,
35:04Zoe's going
35:04to tell
35:05the secret.
35:07That was a
35:08secret you
35:08took to your
35:09grave.
35:09And that was
35:10not going to
35:11be an option
35:11once Sarah
35:12came to
35:12the funeral.
35:14Zoe prepared
35:15me and she
35:15was like,
35:16nobody knows
35:16who you are,
35:17but, you
35:18know, here
35:18we go.
35:29After the
35:30funeral,
35:30everybody came
35:31back to my
35:32house for the
35:33repass.
35:34And I brought
35:34her into the
35:35main living room
35:36where the entire
35:37family was.
35:38And I said,
35:39hey, everyone.
35:41I had a
35:42daughter when I
35:44was 16.
35:46I placed her
35:47for adoption.
35:49And this is my
35:50daughter, Sarah.
35:50I want all of you
35:51guys to meet her.
35:57Whew.
36:00Me being the
36:01secret, I never
36:02really processed it
36:03until I had to
36:04experience it
36:05first hand like,
36:06oh, okay.
36:07I didn't know
36:08Zoe had a
36:08daughter, you
36:09know, your
36:09age.
36:11Yep.
36:13It was awkward,
36:14definitely.
36:15It was so
36:15overwhelming for
36:16me, I left
36:17the room.
36:19Everybody was
36:20enamored by,
36:22you know, the
36:22story of our
36:23family.
36:24And so the
36:25idea that one
36:26of us did
36:26anything that
36:27wasn't perfect
36:28was like,
36:29what?
36:30Huge shock.
36:35When you've
36:42hidden the
36:42truth for so
36:43long, once
36:45you start
36:46sharing it,
36:47it's hard to
36:47not continue.
36:49And the
36:50more I
36:51shared it,
36:51I healed.
36:53I've now
36:54written a
36:54memoir called
36:55Stronger in the
36:56Difficult Places.
36:57It's the same
36:58name as my
36:59podcast.
37:01In 2023,
37:02Stan and I
37:04got divorced.
37:06The beginning
37:06of the downfall
37:07of my marriage
37:08was me speaking
37:09my truth.
37:10But I'm
37:11convinced that
37:12the ramifications
37:13of not speaking
37:14are way,
37:15way more
37:16damaging.
37:19As for my
37:20children,
37:21Sella, you
37:21have one,
37:21put it down
37:22so no one
37:22sees it.
37:23All five of
37:23them are
37:24doing well.
37:27I want to
37:27show you
37:27something real
37:28quick.
37:28Okay.
37:28I did not
37:37know that
37:38you had
37:38this picture.
37:41How did,
37:42did I give
37:42this to you?
37:43That was in
37:44the letter.
37:45Wow.
37:45Yeah.
37:46Wow.
37:48That was the
37:48last time I
37:50fed you,
37:51and right
37:51after that,
37:51that's when
37:52I, when I
37:53left you.
37:53So, fast
37:56forward, I've
37:58been married to
37:59my husband for
37:5911 years.
38:01I am a
38:02proud mother
38:03of four.
38:05Zoe named
38:06me Kaya
38:07Ambriel.
38:08So, my
38:09first born
38:09daughter, I
38:10named her
38:11Kaya Ambriel.
38:13When you
38:14named her
38:15Kaya, it
38:16meant so much
38:17to me.
38:18How do you
38:19feel about
38:20our relationship
38:21today?
38:22I'm so
38:23thankful.
38:24But I
38:25want, I
38:25want more.
38:26I agree.
38:27I want
38:28more.
38:30Even
38:30though, I
38:33didn't get
38:34to raise
38:34you, I'm
38:36so very
38:37proud of
38:37you.
38:42This is
38:43one of my
38:43favorite
38:44pictures.
38:45Goodness, I
38:45look so
38:46young.
38:46Yeah.
38:48What a
38:49happy family
38:49we were.
38:52It was a
38:52sweet time.
38:53My
38:54babies.
38:56Look at
38:57your
38:57babies.
38:58My
38:58family, all
39:00of us,
39:01continue to
39:01work hard to
39:02repair the
39:03intergenerational
39:04trauma that
39:05we've all
39:05suffered because
39:06of this
39:07secret.
39:08Mom, does
39:08this thing
39:08work?
39:09Especially
39:09myself, my
39:11mom, and
39:13Sarah.
39:14Do I need
39:15to have a
39:17deep conversation
39:18with my mom
39:18about it to
39:19fully heal?
39:20No, I
39:22don't.
39:25All behavior
39:25makes sense
39:26in its
39:26context.
39:28I fully
39:29understand the
39:31choices that
39:31my mom made,
39:33the choices
39:33that I
39:34made.
39:34have thought
39:43about the
39:43decisions that
39:44my grandmother
39:44needs.
39:45Stop it now
39:46or it will
39:46go forever.
39:47but she
39:49makes the
39:49effort to
39:50check on
39:50me and
39:50the kids.
39:53So I
39:54give her
39:54grace in
39:55that aspect.
39:57I'm happy
39:57with the way
39:58everything turned
39:59out.
40:00Regardless of
40:01how it
40:02happened, I'm
40:04okay.
40:05It was a
40:06very, very
40:07long journey.
40:08I went
40:09through some
40:09dark periods
40:10but found
40:12myself and
40:12figured out
40:13how to
40:14really
40:14understand
40:15shame and
40:16heal myself
40:17and heal
40:17other women
40:18as well.
40:25I was
40:26told it's
40:27complicated.
40:28You wouldn't
40:28understand.
40:30Heather always
40:30asks, where's
40:31my dad?
40:32I think any
40:33child expects
40:34loyalty from
40:36their mother.
40:37I can't put
40:38it in words
40:38but I
40:39failed.
40:40It was all
40:40my fault.
40:41I failed
40:42her.
40:42My father
40:43calls and
40:44he says, if
40:44an unknown
40:45number calls
40:46you, don't
40:46answer it.
40:47This is a
40:48secret I've
40:48been holding
40:49since I was
40:50a kid.
40:51Heather is
40:51the secret
40:52that we know
40:52about.
40:53There might
40:53be others.
40:54My money
40:54would be on
40:55others.
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