Write Me Dirty Season 1 Episode 10

Showlenz

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Transcript

00:00Hello, I'm Katherine Ryan, and each week, two guests write me a dirty story to a raunchy

00:05theme, and each week, the naughtiest story wins.

00:08Coming up this week, looking for a milf, they always have the best snacks.

00:14There's this category called milf stock.

00:17I knew you guys were doing that thing.

00:19I like my women's season.

00:21Yeah, tickles up.

00:23I can't cook, so.

00:25I also can't cook.

00:25Why would you?

00:26Yeah, you're getting eaten out at a barbecue.

00:28Exactly.

00:30Write me dirty.

00:34As I emptied my suitcase from my spiritual beach vacation in St. Barts, I felt a twinge in my neck.

00:42Although I had tried to sleep, first class is just not designed like it used to be.

00:46But I, of course, feeling zen, tried to find my gratitude.

00:51How blessed I am to travel, I whispered.

00:54How blessed I am to see the world.

00:55But as I unpacked an unusually large wind chime I'd purchased from the airport, the metal pipes began to smash, and thoughts of a sexy seaside started to wave across my mind.

01:07What if you build a sandcastle so impressive that an onlooker begs you to erect their tower?

01:16What if you ride a banana boat so vigorously you bring on your very own tsunami?

01:21What if the very sight of you in a caftan means a tourist feels his beach balls immediately fill up?

01:28I need to hear this story told in full.

01:31I booked another getaway immediately so that I could find two bedazzling beach babes that would tell me how this story would go, and to write me dirty.

01:39Hello, I'm Catherine Ryan, and I've got two guests to write me a dirty story, all in the hopes of winning a pen.

01:48And this week, my two salacious soulmates are Felicity Ward and London Hughes.

01:52Welcome, ladies.

01:53Hi, babes.

01:54Hello, lovely.

01:55Hey.

01:56I feel bad, like, sometimes even saying ladies.

01:58I know.

01:58I'll go, girls, gals, ladies, people.

02:01You call me what, you're a dickhead, I'll take anything.

02:03It's so diverse right now, because we've got Canadian, Australian, and British.

02:08American.

02:09And American.

02:10Is your family Jamaican?

02:11Mm-hmm.

02:12We're actually all colonized.

02:14Oh, wow.

02:15Oh.

02:15We've all been colonized.

02:17That's true.

02:18Isn't that cute?

02:19That's so great.

02:20Look at us.

02:21I mean, to be fair, my mum is white English, so I'm part of the problem.

02:24Yes, you are.

02:25I did Who Do You Think You Are?

02:26And my, well, my dad's from Ireland, like, months before I was born.

02:30Wow.

02:30Like a contentious number of months.

02:32He was born months before you were born?

02:33No, like, yeah, he came to Canada.

02:35I'm like, that's scientifically impossible.

02:36Yeah.

02:37But also the dates.

02:38I think he's my dad.

02:39And my mother's family came at a time when all the real violence in Canada, the Indigenous

02:46people had already really been culturally wiped out.

02:49Yeah.

02:50So it wasn't me.

02:51You.

02:51Thank God.

02:52Irish people.

02:53You really cannot fault Irish as far as being on the right side of history.

02:57Shall we get into the show?

02:59Let's do it.

02:59Sure.

03:00So you've written dirty stories about each other.

03:02What are your own fantasies?

03:05So my fantasy is Michael B. Jordan.

03:09Basically, I'm on a private jet.

03:10Yeah.

03:11And as it takes off, he's going down on me.

03:14I'm like, that's a great fantasy.

03:15That's very unsafe.

03:17That's unsafe sex.

03:18Why is it unsafe?

03:19I just feel like seatbelts on at takeoff.

03:21Okay.

03:21But they ask you sometimes to put your hand between, your head between your own legs.

03:25Right.

03:26Right.

03:26So.

03:27Literally.

03:28They don't specify.

03:29They don't specify.

03:30Also like my, this is going to sound crazy, but my, I'm about to say, my porn search thingy

03:37is.

03:38What's thingy?

03:39Finish that sentence.

03:39My porn search criteria.

03:41Oh, sure.

03:43Used to be.

03:43I haven't watched porn for maybe like a year.

03:46I'm trying to like, because Lady Gaga says that like, you have to restain from all of

03:50that because you keep your essence in.

03:51I'm trying to keep my essence in because I'm.

03:52The chakra.

03:53My essence is left the building.

03:56Well, there's a category called MILF.

03:59Yes.

03:59Stuck.

04:00I knew you guys would do that thing.

04:03Yes.

04:03Tell me.

04:04Okay.

04:04Everything.

04:05You're going to love it.

04:06You're going to love it.

04:07So I've told guys that I'm like dating about MILF and I've showed them it.

04:11They didn't know.

04:12And they're like, this is amazing.

04:13So basically it's always the premise of a gorgeous, sexy, older woman, like voluptuous,

04:18gorgeous woman.

04:19Could be me.

04:19She could be Felicity.

04:21She's at home.

04:22She's like cleaning or whatever.

04:24And there's one particular one where she gets stuck in a washing machine.

04:29Then step son's friends come to him.

04:33I'm like, where's, where's, uh, it's Barry here.

04:36And it's like, no, he's not here.

04:37I'm just, I'm just stuck.

04:39Can you help me?

04:40It's like, whoa.

04:40Yeah.

04:41Of course I can help you.

04:42I'll help you.

04:43All right.

04:43And he fucks the shit out of her.

04:45And she's like, wait, no, wait.

04:48Yes.

04:49And then she's just, MILF sucks.

04:51She's getting fucked.

04:52How did you, how did you get, how did you think?

04:55I think I've just seen every variation of MILF.

04:58Yeah.

04:58And so I got to MILF suck and I was like.

05:00The safety of MILF is, you know, that they're age appropriate.

05:04Yeah.

05:04I don't like these young, I don't like, don't like these young ones.

05:08No, mate.

05:08I just want to text them.

05:10Yeah.

05:10And even if they're older and they, but they look young.

05:13No.

05:13So I want an old seasoned.

05:15Seasoned.

05:16I like my women seasoned.

05:18And so when.

05:18And also someone that wants it.

05:20Like, it's always women that are like, oh, I don't know.

05:22If you ever see porn where women are like, I'm going to fucking give it to you.

05:26And I feel like they're more grateful, the MILFs.

05:30I feel like they really.

05:31Sounds like there is a consent issue.

05:32Well, the thing is, she's like, no.

05:34But then she's like, yes.

05:36There is something called.

05:37It's giving baby it's cold outside.

05:38It is.

05:39It is.

05:39Definitely.

05:40There is consent, no consent.

05:41Yeah.

05:42But then she gets stuck in a window.

05:45This MILF is not bright.

05:46She's getting fucked up against the window.

05:48She's got terrible special awareness.

05:49She's got a glass table.

05:50Like, she was on the little coffee table.

05:52Do you know what?

05:52She needs whiskers like a cat.

05:54So she knows.

05:55It's very.

05:56She needs a helmet and whiskers.

05:58Yeah.

05:58MILF stuck.

05:59Knock yourself out.

05:59It is very, very interesting.

06:01Knock yourself out.

06:02She did.

06:02Literally.

06:03Getting in the washing machine.

06:03Yeah.

06:04So MILF stuck in private chairs.

06:05I'm not going to search it, but I am going to just try it with my husband.

06:08I'm going to get stuck.

06:09Please.

06:09Oh, do it for me.

06:10I'll just be like, I'm stuck.

06:11I'll film it for you.

06:12Please.

06:13I'll end the video if anything kicks off.

06:14No, no.

06:15Continue.

06:15But I don't think he would.

06:17I feel like if you're like, I'm stuck.

06:19And he tries.

06:20Like, that's such a good role play.

06:22Like, I'm stuck.

06:23I physically can't move.

06:24But like the meta narrative, like I am stuck in my marriage.

06:28We are free kids.

06:29I am MILF stuck.

06:30I'm MILF stuck.

06:31This isn't hot.

06:32This is reality.

06:33You guys are actually MILFs as well.

06:35I know.

06:36Do you like watching MILFs?

06:37I don't think so.

06:38No, it's not your thing.

06:39No.

06:40May I say the joy of watching female porn and female only porn is there's

06:45absolutely an orgasm.

06:46Yes.

06:47And you are bisexual now.

06:49I am.

06:49I'm newly bisexual.

06:51That's great.

06:51Is that now?

06:52I thought you were always bisexual.

06:53No.

06:54I only realized like three years ago.

06:55But London knew.

06:56London knew.

06:57I always thought you were.

06:58Did you know?

06:59Did you always think?

06:59Babes, you were bisexual from the beginning.

07:01That is so funny.

07:02Because I've never, I haven't had, there's some friends that we have that have come

07:04out later and everyone's like, we were.

07:06You were definitely.

07:07I was not.

07:08Yeah, I just assumed.

07:09This is the first time I feel very validated.

07:10Do you think, Felicity, it was being MILF-stuck that awakened your bisexuality?

07:16And then I got divorced and I became un-MILF-stuck.

07:22You've been set the task of writing an erotic story that must feature one another.

07:26And it also must feature a specific setting, person and prop.

07:31Your story must be set at a beach.

07:32I would like it to include a sunburnt tourist, a shark, and at least one beach ball.

07:38The winner will receive a pen.

07:41And the best story will receive a cheeky spot on my hot shelf filled with lewd tales.

07:49Lube tales?

07:50Lubed.

07:51Lubed and lewd tales.

07:53Anyway, we're all about consent in the Write Me Dirty library.

07:58Yay.

07:58So which one of you would like to begin with your filthy tale?

08:02I'm really intrigued by hers.

08:03I feel like it's going to be better than mine first.

08:05Let's see what you like.

08:06I was like, London's probably better, so I'll go first.

08:08No, I think yours is going to be better.

08:09Please tell me the title of your dirty story.

08:12All right.

08:13The title is The London Down Under.

08:15The London Down Under?

08:17The London.

08:18Oh, it could either be The London Down Under or The London Down Under.

08:21The London Down Under.

08:22I think The London Down Under is better.

08:24I'm ready for this.

08:25I'm seated.

08:26Sat.

08:27I'm going to do my deep voice.

08:28Please do.

08:28It was a hot, steamy summer Sunday afternoon in Sydney.

08:34Alliteration was everywhere.

08:35Yeah.

08:36British baddie London Hughes was filming her new dating show, To Catch a Dick, on Bondi

08:42Beach.

08:42Let's go.

08:44She'd just come back from the sorbet shop across the road, but it was Australia, so while

08:48she did get the best ice cream she'd ever tasted, it also came with free racism.

08:53Yeah.

08:54But where are you really from?

08:56The gnar-toothed, unfuckable shopkeeper called after her.

08:59Oh, I loved it.

09:00Hold on.

09:00I'm getting hot.

09:02But where are you really from?

09:06Unbothered and still hot.

09:07Yes.

09:08Licking the grainy ice from the top of its bulbous scoop.

09:11Yes.

09:12London sauntered back in a Chanel kitten heel and lime green Gucci string bikini.

09:17Let's go.

09:17A string bikini?

09:18I'm literally wearing Chanel and Gucci today.

09:20You know me so well.

09:21I know you so well, obviously.

09:23Let's go.

09:24And why?

09:24I've written it here because she's always that bitch.

09:27Whoa.

09:28She is.

09:29I love this.

09:30All right, here's where it gets steamy.

09:31Okay.

09:32All in a row and ready for their next challenge stood five single, handsome, funny, interesting,

09:40compassionate, ambitious, fun, accomplished, and caring men.

09:45What?

09:45The only five of their kind on the planet to be all of those things at once.

09:50It's a fantasy.

09:51I love this.

09:51It went very science fiction.

09:53Oh, my God.

09:53I mean, it's in Australia.

09:55It's basically an alien planet.

09:57Oh, wow.

09:59Their hard bodies glistened with SPF 50+.

10:02Oh, I like that.

10:03Let's see.

10:04That was for you.

10:04Thanks.

10:05Under the thin ozone layer between them and the Australian cancer-determined sun.

10:09Yes.

10:10The director called action.

10:12Oh.

10:13The camera starts on Felicity Ward, London's slightly less attractive friend, but a proud

10:18home nonetheless.

10:19How dare you?

10:19How comes the self-esteem problem?

10:20I guess what I'm going to say, what's wrong with her?

10:21Do you know what?

10:22I'm only friends with bad bitches.

10:25You would not be my friend if I thought you were ugly.

10:28I would tell you were ugly every day.

10:29I'm very honest.

10:30You're that other bitch.

10:32I'm the other bitch.

10:33You're the baddest bitch.

10:34Back from a toilet break quickie with the show's gaffer, Felicity, oiled and horny, bounces

10:41and slides on a giant beach ball.

10:43Nice.

10:43She looks to the camera, licks a pair of cherries, not a euphemism, and horn whispers

10:48down the barrel, to catch a dick.

10:51Yeah, baby.

10:51Because that's the opening title.

10:52Yeah, I love that for you.

10:53The camera tracks over to London, pouring coconut water all over herself on a podium

10:58shaped like a vulva.

10:59Oh, what's a vulva look like again?

11:02Get a mirror, mate.

11:03Lots of different.

11:03That's all of this.

11:05The whole of the vagina is a vulva.

11:07The outside is the vulva.

11:08The vagina is like a small bit on the inside.

11:10The vagina is the...

11:11You have labia, majora, menorah, the vulva.

11:13So the vulva is just the lips?

11:15The outer lips?

11:16It's the whole business.

11:18Including the peekaboo?

11:19Yeah.

11:20That's the vulva.

11:21We don't really know.

11:22The vagina is the canal.

11:25What's the labia then?

11:26It's the labia.

11:27Where's that then?

11:28So there's the labia, menorah and the labia, majora.

11:30How do you know about all this?

11:32Bisexual.

11:33Yeah.

11:33No, it's not that.

11:35It's not that.

11:35They talk about it in class.

11:37Yeah.

11:38In bisexual class.

11:39Yeah, when I got my degree.

11:40Yeah.

11:40You know how I found out that I was a bisexual?

11:42I went to buy a skateboard.

11:44Oh, my God.

11:44That's how I found out.

11:47Sorry.

11:48Sorry, go for it.

11:48All right.

11:49London calls out to the men that even though they're the best on the earth,

11:52are still not good enough for her.

11:53That part.

11:54Yeah.

11:54She knows me, man.

11:55I know you, mate.

11:56I wrote this for you.

11:57This is my honey, mate.

11:57With you in my heart.

11:59For your next challenge to win a place in my heart and my pants is to,

12:03one by one, see if you can fight this shark.

12:06Oh!

12:08She gesticulates to the open water as a shark called Graham is dropped

12:11from a helicopter in the sky into the ocean.

12:14What a show.

12:15Wow.

12:15As if you wouldn't watch production budget.

12:17Yeah.

12:17Is it a real shark or animatronic shark?

12:19No, no, no.

12:19This baby is a real shark.

12:20Graham is real.

12:21Graham's a real shark.

12:22Hey, Graham.

12:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.

12:24Nice.

12:24This is the moment to shine.

12:25Yeah.

12:26At that time, it dawned on the producers that they may not have thought

12:29this through, but it was going to make fantastic television.

12:31Yep.

12:33Terrence was the first to take the waves.

12:35CEO of a homeless charity and doctor in social science.

12:38He ran his thick tree trunk thighs as his PhD, pretty huge dick.

12:44Nice.

12:45I'm quoting Kanye.

12:47Bulged from his Speedos, gripping to his body like a small

12:50lycra handkerchief strapped to the front of a high-speed rocket ship.

12:53I'm so good at this.

12:54Yeah.

12:55He swam to Graham, ready to wrestle it to death and prove to London

12:59he was husband material.

13:00Nice.

13:00But before he could pull back his cannon-sized bicep,

13:03he was mauled to death by the overly-toothed shark.

13:06There's Terrence out.

13:08Yeah, Terrence is gone.

13:08London says, not hot, as she crossed his face off the leaderboard

13:13with a throbbing, veiny, peen-shaped marker.

13:15Nice.

13:16Red tip, of course.

13:17Okay.

13:17Yes.

13:18Because she's a leader.

13:20Malik, can you do better?

13:21Malik.

13:21All you have to do is not die.

13:23Low bar.

13:25Malik, absolutely terrified, sprinted, then forward-flipped again

13:29and again into the water, showcasing skills from his day

13:32as a fourth-placed world-record gymnast.

13:34He looked back to London, smiling and flexing and crying

13:37as he backstroked out into the water.

13:40Within seconds, he was, again, just like the Tokyo Olympics, a loser.

13:44Oh, no!

13:45I know.

13:47I like Malik.

13:48I know.

13:48We both did.

13:49But he couldn't beat a shark.

13:50He was emotionally available.

13:52Yeah.

13:53Which was he?

13:53Was he an MD, PhD?

13:55He was a gymnast.

13:55Gymnast.

13:56Oh, so he was an Olympic gymnast.

13:58He was an Olympic gymnast.

13:58Babes, all right.

13:59Who do I get with?

14:01What was happening?

14:01It's about to happen.

14:02Someone in this.

14:03Are you going to, don't you?

14:04It might be Graham.

14:05It could be the shark.

14:07Baby shark.

14:09You could have a baby shark.

14:10I'm drying up here, boys.

14:13If I wanted to see this much blood, I'd just hang out with my friends

14:15so our cycles sync up.

14:17Oh, wow.

14:17I would watch this show.

14:19Same.

14:19100%.

14:20So to even out the challenge, the rest of you can compete together.

14:23Oh.

14:24Okay, I like this.

14:25Okay.

14:26Michelin star and veterinarian Jason cried,

14:29I just want to go home, as he fell to his knees.

14:32Fuck you, Jason.

14:33I know.

14:34Well, he doesn't want to die.

14:35Oh, yeah.

14:36He and the other remaining disappointments shuffled towards the shore,

14:39hugging each other, stifling tears and prayers,

14:41staring at Graham, who quite frankly looks stuffed by this point.

14:45That's it.

14:46But before they could put a toe in the water,

14:48a siren blared across the length of the beach.

14:50A Bondi lifesaver had spotted a sunburnt tourist caught in a rip,

14:55floating towards Graham.

14:56He could let a contestant be eaten alive, but not an unwilling tourist.

15:00Not on his watch.

15:01Wow.

15:02Not the Bondi.

15:03Not in Bondi.

15:05London turned to see a golden, shaggy-haired, unassuming lifeguard

15:09called Budai, bolt down to the shore's edge.

15:12Oh.

15:12As he ran past London in seeming slow motion,

15:15he mouthed the words, welcome to the fuck zone.

15:18Yeah.

15:21London's bikini was immediately drenched and plumped out.

15:27Drenched.

15:28And plumped out.

15:29Yeah, that's right.

15:30With the vulva.

15:31That's right.

15:31My vulva's swollen.

15:32It's swollen.

15:33Swollen vulva.

15:34Just from Budai.

15:35With surfboard underarm, Budai paddled out straight towards Graham

15:39and said the powerful ancient words, piss off your dog cunt.

15:46Graham understood and swam off into the horizon.

15:49Oh, wow.

15:49Budai then loaded the nearby struggling tourist onto his board,

15:52who was taken at the shore in a beach buggy by two younger cadet

15:55lifesavers to have basic checks done.

15:57We always put safety first even in our stories.

16:00Oh, that's good.

16:00Budai, on the other hand, walked straight up to London, towering over her,

16:04but standing only two inches away, looked her in the eyes

16:07and said in a thick Australian drawl,

16:09do you want me to save you from these losers?

16:12Oh.

16:13Yes.

16:13London, trying to maintain composure, replied,

16:16they're both astrophysicists.

16:17Can you even spell that?

16:19I can with my tongue.

16:20Oh.

16:21Whoa, whoa, whoa.

16:22This is the fuck zone.

16:24This is the fuck zone.

16:25Let's go.

16:25Budai does not fuck about.

16:27He scooped her up in his arms, his eyes piercing her soul,

16:30and silently carried her to the surf club garage.

16:34Garage?

16:35Yeah, it's hot.

16:36Babes.

16:37No, this is wet.

16:37See, I thought we were friends.

16:38But it's a small space like your vagina.

16:40It is.

16:41And you've been to the five-star hotels.

16:42This is different for you.

16:43Oh, okay.

16:44Continue.

16:44I'll see.

16:45You're just there.

16:45No, because you had me.

16:46I was here.

16:47I was in it.

16:47But you're just filming for the TV show.

16:49This doesn't have to be forever.

16:50Okay.

16:51Oh, yeah.

16:52That's true.

16:52It could just be for today.

16:53It's a quick smash.

16:54It could be smash and grab.

16:55It's Andy in the garage.

16:56Felicity, carry on because the Libya is drying up.

17:00He put her down at the door, then with his hands on both of her hips,

17:05walked her back against the lifesaver's boat inside.

17:08It's a boat?

17:09It's rubber.

17:10What's a lifesaver's boat?

17:11So it's called a rubber ducky, but it's like a rubber.

17:13He's fucking me in a rubber ducky, Felicity.

17:15No, no.

17:16It's just a rubber boat.

17:17Babe, I'm wearing a Gucci bikini.

17:20So?

17:21All right.

17:23My God.

17:23You've never had this kind of rough sex?

17:25You haven't had a public sex?

17:26If I'm wearing a Gucci bikini, I'm not going to want to be fucked in a rubber ducky.

17:29Why?

17:30Because I...

17:31Hear me.

17:31Look, to be fair, you're not lying down for some of this.

17:33Oh, okay.

17:34I'm standing up.

17:36Just wait.

17:37She drew breath as he pushed her into the inflatable rubber surface.

17:41You look like you're always the powerful one.

17:43Let me show you what it feels like to feel safe but helpless.

17:47I do like that.

17:48He tied her hands one at a time with the loose rope from the boat.

17:52See?

17:53This bitch knows me!

17:56I'm sorry for doubting you.

17:57Of course she's into light bondage.

17:59See, women that are in control all the time like to have the control taken away.

18:04It's the bondi bondage.

18:05Ah, she got me.

18:07Bondi bondage, exactly.

18:08It's Budai with the bondi bondage.

18:10Big dick bondi bondage.

18:11She pretended to struggle but relented as he untied the side of her string bikini

18:17with one gentle pull.

18:19See, you're not going to get your bikini on the rubber ducky.

18:21It's off anyway.

18:22He untied it with one hand like just slowly.

18:23Just the string.

18:24And it just went boom and fell down.

18:26Yes, continue.

18:28Her legs buckled underneath her as he slowly murmured the letters

18:32and made his way through the word A-S-T-R-O, finishing the word

18:42with perfect spelling.

18:43Let's go.

18:44Budai stood up and said, if I untie you, do you promise to behave?

18:48With a wry smile spread across her face, London answered, absolutely not.

18:53Exactly.

18:54No, she won't.

18:55He loosened one hand, then the other, then threw her on top

18:57of the life jackets laying on the floor of the boat.

19:00He kissed her deep and hard.

19:01Her designer kitten heels falling off her curled toes.

19:05She pushed him back and whispered, I want to catch this dick.

19:08He smirked, you don't have to catch this dick.

19:11I'm handing myself in.

19:12Let's go.

19:13Arms and legs and hands and tongues and mouths and sun cream journeyed

19:17across each other's opposite hemispheres until the land down under

19:21and the land of disappointment sat upright on top of each other,

19:25writhing together to make a climax that could only be described

19:28as an equator, hot and scented and close to Indonesia.

19:32As they fell into each other's exhausted and sated,

19:35a knock came from the garage door as Felicity's voice floated in.

19:39Now that you're all finished in here, can I have one of the leftover boys?

19:42Losers can't be choosers.

19:44To which London replied, go catch that dick, friend.

19:47Yay!

19:49Very nice.

19:49Thank you so much.

19:51Thank you for giving me good sex.

19:53Of course.

19:53I would never give you mediocre.

19:54I was worried when you said garage.

19:56I said, babe, don't really know what I like.

19:58Why wouldn't you trust me?

20:00Of course I know.

20:00I should have just trusted you from the beginning.

20:02Sorry for doubting you.

20:04I'm going to give you a hot life, guys.

20:05Yes.

20:05I'm going to get you tied up against a boat.

20:07Yes.

20:08I was stuck.

20:09And the bikini isn't going to get dirty.

20:11Oh, I love a little.

20:12The one string.

20:14Oh, that actually.

20:15Take your time, right?

20:16Oh, yes.

20:17It's lovely stuff.

20:18And, you know, it's spontaneous, London,

20:20because the journey to the five-star hotel.

20:23Yeah.

20:23Plus the check-in process.

20:24That's true.

20:25Exactly.

20:25There's no rope in a five-star hotel.

20:26I do like a bit of romance.

20:28Yeah.

20:28We all love rope.

20:29But this is.

20:29But this is sex.

20:30This is sex.

20:31This is just animalistic.

20:33It's the fuck zone.

20:34All right.

20:35That was the song from Top Gun, wasn't it?

20:36It's the fuck zone.

20:37Welcome to the fuck zone.

20:42That's what it was.

20:43Yeah.

20:43I loved it.

20:45You've had someone take your bikini off with one hand.

20:46Yes, I was.

20:48That's so hot.

20:49Woo.

20:50We had a barbecue.

20:51Back in the fuck zone.

20:52We had a barbecue.

20:53And I was in a yellow bikini.

20:55And he wanted to go down on me.

20:57Woo.

20:57And so we, like, went into his bedroom.

21:00And he just, like, pulled.

21:01Jesus Christ.

21:02Pulled out my yellow bikini.

21:04It fell to the floor.

21:05He pushed me on his bed.

21:06Went down on me.

21:07Great stuff.

21:07Amazing.

21:08Congratulations.

21:09Tied it back up.

21:10Went down and said, had some chicken.

21:12Did you not have sex as well?

21:13No.

21:14He just wanted to go down on me.

21:15Wow.

21:16I just.

21:16What?

21:17If they go down on you, you have to have sex with him?

21:19If you're in the suburb.

21:21No, because sometimes I don't want to have sex with you.

21:22I just want to come on your face.

21:24Yeah.

21:25Yeah.

21:25I'm, like, I'm very when in Rome.

21:28Really?

21:29Yeah.

21:29So he's down there.

21:29You might as well.

21:30He's already down there.

21:31Right?

21:31Okay, I feel you.

21:33Sometimes I can't be bothered because I've already come now.

21:34I can always be bothered.

21:36See, I'm like, I want some chicken.

21:38I would have had a bite before I'd gone.

21:40Oh, smart.

21:40Yeah, yeah.

21:41This is why you're a mother, see?

21:42You think about it.

21:44It's a very mother thing to do.

21:45Make sure before you fuck you've had some chicken.

21:47Can I tell you one of the greatest things about Field is that many, many men are specifically

21:53looking for older women.

21:54Nice.

21:54Which is wonderful.

21:55Love that.

21:56And the amount that says looking for a milf, they always have the best snacks.

21:59And quite frankly, I think it's funny.

22:01We do have great snacks.

22:02Do you guys have the best snacks?

22:03Yeah.

22:03We have snacks all the time.

22:04Also to the kids, yeah.

22:06But can one of you invite me to your houses so I can have some?

22:08You can come over to my house anytime.

22:10I will give you my keys.

22:11I would like some snacks.

22:12Okay.

22:12Like, I can't cook, so I would also like...

22:14Why would you?

22:15Yeah.

22:16You're getting eaten out at a barbecue.

22:17Exactly.

22:21London, are you ready to share your saucy tale?

22:22I'm really not.

22:24Because it's better than mine.

22:26Definitely.

22:26I feel like you can write sex really well.

22:29Yeah, that's good.

22:29I found this quite a challenge.

22:30Well, let's see what you've got.

22:31I think this is the first time, London, that I've seen you not uber confident.

22:35Exactly.

22:36London, what's your story called?

22:37It's called The Seagull.

22:41Any significance thus far with The Seagull?

22:43No, I'm assuming it's just because I'm from a beach.

22:45Oh, yeah.

22:45Yeah, just that.

22:47The Seagull.

22:49It's a hot and sweaty and sexy day on Brighton Beach.

22:52We both started, I was on the beach.

22:54It was Australia and my brain.

22:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.

22:55London Hughes is sunbathing, being fabulous, looking very similar to both Beyonce and Rihanna

23:01and Megan Thee Stallion in her beach attire.

23:04Loud Seagull squawks.

23:06London giggles.

23:07The Seagull is London Hughes' high school nickname because she has no gag reflex and has a penchant

23:12for swallowing men's battered sausages whole.

23:14I knew the Seagull would be explained.

23:16There you go.

23:18Was it really your nickname?

23:19Yeah, she is.

23:20Jeez.

23:20Proud of you.

23:21I have no gag reflex.

23:22Nice.

23:23Straight down.

23:24Okay.

23:25Anyway, a skill she's perfected over the years.

23:28London's very moist.

23:31From the moisturiser, she has smothered all over her model-esque Kelly Rowland legs.

23:35Her sexy hand slides down her sexy thigh as she strokes her legs up and down in a sensual

23:41motion akin to the movements her hand makes when she gives some lucky guy surprise fellatio.

23:47Felicity, a drop-dead gorgeous but uniquely pale white woman who watches London.

23:53Uniquely pale?

23:53I mean, me and Catherine are both in the same room.

23:55Do you know what?

23:56Yeah.

23:57Yeah.

23:57Catherine, you're more pale than Felicity, but you've been in Australia.

24:01But I've been back for two months.

24:02Oh, wow.

24:03When I was out there, I was tanned.

24:04And then when I did Dancing with the Stars, I got fake tanned.

24:07I've never had it before.

24:08Amazing.

24:10Felicity watches London cream herself in awe.

24:14She's mesmerised by every sensual stroke.

24:17All of a sudden, Felicity gasps a sexy gasp and clutches her heaving, gigantic knockers.

24:23They are big.

24:24They are big.

24:24And they're smaller than they used to be.

24:27Felicity's snow-white skin starts to sizzle.

24:30She clutches her gigantic knockers in pain.

24:37Oh, no.

24:37They're the ones that are sizzling?

24:39Have I been sunbaking topless?

24:40I'll tell you why.

24:42It's the sound of sunburn.

24:44Yeah.

24:45Oh, no.

24:45Ah, there we go.

24:46Oh, for fuck's sake.

24:48She yells in her uniquely Australian accent.

24:51You all right over there, babes?

24:52London arts there, wondering why this sweaty Caucasian Australian stranger is yelling at herself.

24:57I forgot to bring sunscreen, Felicity replies.

25:00I'm a tourist visiting from Adelaide, and I didn't think the UK would be this hot.

25:04Now my beautiful giant tits are all sunburnt.

25:07Flaming galah shrimp on the barbie.

25:09That's a shame, London replies.

25:10Oh, you speak my language.

25:11Thank you so much.

25:11You know what?

25:12That's the only Australian I know.

25:13Really authentic.

25:14That's a shame, London replied.

25:16Your tits are indeed so bouncy.

25:18Can you bounce them for me?

25:20There we go.

25:20Look at that.

25:20It's very Baywatch.

25:21So bouncy and beautiful.

25:23I'm sad that they are all tender and sunburnt-y now.

25:27Felicity gently strokes her tender sunburnt-y tits.

25:30She's trying to seduce London.

25:32Oh, yeah, baby.

25:34There's no gram.

25:35There's no shark.

25:36No contestants.

25:37All the sex is happening right in here.

25:39Oh, yeah.

25:39The sexual tension between friends.

25:41Finally.

25:41Literally.

25:42Finally.

25:43She tickles her areolas.

25:47Yeah, baby.

25:48Tickles one.

25:50That's what I imagined.

25:52I said, black people don't need sunscreen.

25:54All I have is this shea butter moisturiser, which is true.

25:57That's great.

25:58That's what I have too.

25:59I have it in my moisturiser.

26:00I have a very dry skin.

26:01I love shea butter.

26:03Would you like me to rub some shea butter all over your big burnt tits?

26:08Felicity is in a dilemma.

26:09She knows how to flirt.

26:10Isn't it?

26:11Your big burnt tits.

26:13Your big burnt tits.

26:14Felicity is in a dilemma.

26:15On one hand, as a white woman in the sun, rubbing shea butter on her burnt tits will only make matters worse.

26:21She'll burn even harder.

26:22She may even peel, which is a thing that happens to you guys.

26:25It's crazy.

26:26But on the other hand, London Hughes was just so goddamn sexy.

26:29Sure, I'd love you to do that to me, Felicity replies nervously, her heart beating in her vagina.

26:35Whoa.

26:35Why don't you come over here and rub that butter in slowly all over my toasty tits?

26:40London grabs the shea butter and walks over to Felicity in sexy slow motion.

26:45What's your name, by the way, cute Caucasian stranger, London arts?

26:48Oh, we're strangers in this.

26:49Yeah.

26:50I love it.

26:51Felicity Ward.

26:52What's yours, Felicity Ward replies?

26:54Mine's London Hughes, but in most southern seaside towns, I'm known exclusively as the seagull.

26:59Because I swallow it whole.

27:03But your natural talent is sort of blocked in a same-sex relationship.

27:07Exactly.

27:08That's the thing.

27:09Is it cacaw a different bird?

27:12Cacaw.

27:13Like seagull is.

27:14How do you know?

27:15I grew up on a beach, mate.

27:17They've got seagulls in Australia?

27:19I thought they were just in Britain.

27:20They're by every beach.

27:22I used to think they were called beach chickens.

27:25That's better.

27:26Okay.

27:26That's got a little squeal in it too.

27:28Yeah, it's really good.

27:29There we go.

27:29That had nuance.

27:30Thanks, babe.

27:31Layers.

27:32Yeah.

27:32Felicity is aroused again.

27:34Wow.

27:35If she's.

27:36Wow.

27:36It was the bird noise, not the no gaggle.

27:38That's how do I.

27:39Wow.

27:40If I had a penis and knew what it felt like to get it sucked on by a woman, I'd be extremely

27:45turned on right now, Felicity says.

27:47Suddenly, London trips up over a bucket and spade lodged in the sand.

27:51A handsome stranger calls out to her.

27:53Hey, London.

27:54London, that's not a bucket and spade.

27:56That's my rock hard dick you just tripped over.

27:59What kind of a man has a dick like a bucket?

28:01Look at this.

28:02I feel like the bucket is the balls and the spade is the dick.

28:07London smiles to herself.

28:09It was definitely hard.

28:10She nearly stubbed her toe on it.

28:11It seems like she's making everyone at Brighton Beach come with her sexy Beyonce-like ways.

28:15I love it.

28:18She's had to write a story about me.

28:19I know.

28:20And it's mostly just about how hot she is.

28:21Oh my God.

28:22Never change.

28:23She's making people come.

28:24London's almost made her way over to Felicity now.

28:27With every step she takes, Felicity's salivating at her drippy clunge.

28:31Drippy clunge?

28:32Yeah.

28:33Drippy clunge.

28:33You're a poet and you should write literature for women.

28:36Thanks.

28:37Drippy clunge?

28:38Big hot tits.

28:40Big hot burnt tits.

28:41Big hot burnt tits.

28:42Drippy clunge.

28:43She can't wait to have London's fingers all over her crispy burnt titties.

28:47Crispy now.

28:48Because of the sun's burnt.

28:48They're crisped up.

28:49Yeah, sure.

28:50Like Peking duck.

28:51I love Peking duck.

28:53Who doesn't?

28:54Suddenly, two beach balls appear out of nowhere, fly through the sky and hit London straight

28:59in the mouth.

29:00Wow, she guffs.

29:01Who just threw their balls in my mouth?

29:04London looks at her.

29:05That's always.

29:06Exactly.

29:06It happens.

29:07Wow.

29:08Who just threw their balls in my mouth?

29:10It has been.

29:10It's one of her catchphrases.

29:11Yeah.

29:12London looks around to see another male.

29:14It's London's Brazilian ex-boyfriend, Ricardo from Chicago.

29:18He's topless and bottomless.

29:20His male areolas.

29:21His male areolas.

29:23Also, he's a male.

29:24Yeah.

29:25His male areolas bouncing in the sunshine.

29:27His dick the shape of the Isle of Wight.

29:30London only knows him by his penis, but she never forgets a penis.

29:34Ricardo from Chicago suggests going for a swim.

29:36Fancy a bit of skinny dipping, he asks?

29:38It's clear that he wants to get London soaking wet.

29:40She's apprehensive at first, but London can't resist the wetness.

29:44London grabs Ricardo's English county-shaped penis, and they frolic into the sea.

29:48Felicity watches on.

29:50Like a leash.

29:51Literally.

29:51Come on.

29:52Like, come here.

29:52Come here, little dick.

29:53Is it true that you never forget a penis?

29:54I never forget a penis.

29:55Really?

29:56Yeah.

29:57I try to forget something.

29:58I won't remember your name or face.

30:02I'll remember your penis.

30:03You'd be a good witness.

30:04I would be.

30:04And cartographer.

30:07I love a good penis.

30:08Apparently.

30:10Felicity watches on.

30:11There was a mountain, and then there was a small valley.

30:14Yeah, literally.

30:15Amazing.

30:15She's absolutely distraught.

30:17She calls out, wait, London, what about moistening my boobs with shea butter?

30:21But it's too late.

30:21London and Ricardo from Chicago are already fucking in the sea.

30:25Wow.

30:25Making Felicity's giant tits sizzle with anger.

30:28Upset that she may have missed her chance for some over-the-shoulder areola,

30:32Felicity watches on as Ricardo from Chicago and London make underwater love,

30:37like sexy, horny, porny merpeople.

30:39Oh, Felicity's egg white colored vag.

30:42I just assumed it was egg white.

30:43It might not be egg white.

30:44It's not.

30:45What?

30:45I don't know what color your vag would be.

30:46Mine's a different color to my face.

30:48Yeah.

30:49Yeah.

30:49You assumed white women have egg white, like white?

30:52Egg white.

30:53Egg white cooked or uncooked?

30:54Off white.

30:55In the shell.

30:56You've never seen a white woman's vagina?

30:58Of course I haven't.

30:59Yeah.

31:00You haven't seen a picture?

31:01Why would I look it up?

31:01What about all this milf form?

31:03I mean, milf form, I guess, but like.

31:05But they also die a lot.

31:07I'm not really looking at the vagina part.

31:10But yeah, I've just looked at them all.

31:11What color is it?

31:11It's darker.

31:12Mine's more purpley.

31:13It's pink.

31:14Oh, yours is pink?

31:14Yeah.

31:15Okay.

31:15Except when I was pregnant, mine turned blue.

31:16Really?

31:17My nipples went dark brown when I was pregnant.

31:20My nipples are dark brown.

31:21That's right.

31:21I've seen them.

31:22What color are your nipples?

31:23Pink.

31:23Almost the color of my skin.

31:24I have what's called faders.

31:26Like they're very light pink.

31:27I would love to see them.

31:28I'll show them to you.

31:29Do they change when they get hard?

31:31Do they become more defined?

31:32Yes.

31:32A little bit darker and smaller.

31:33I have really big like areolas.

31:36Like my nipples are.

31:36Beautiful.

31:37I have a bag called burger nips.

31:39Burger nips.

31:40Seagull, burger nips.

31:41Seagull, burger nips.

31:41All beach themed.

31:43Literally.

31:43Where am I?

31:44Okay.

31:45You're having sea sex.

31:47Felicity's salmon colored vag.

31:49Sure.

31:50Pulsates with jealousy.

31:51You're great, but yeah.

31:52She wants to put a stop to the sexcapade.

31:54She marches into the sea, but then stops as right in front of her, she spots a giant shark.

31:58She panics and her vagina goes dry with fear.

32:01Shark!

32:02She screams as loud as she can.

32:04Look out, there's a shark in the water.

32:06But London and Ricardo from Chicago didn't hear her.

32:08They were too busy underwater sexing.

32:11Please stop having sex in the sea.

32:13There's a massive shark approaching, she calls out.

32:15But the two salty lovers couldn't hear her.

32:18Ecstasy and the sounds of their frobbing undercarriages were the only things London and Ricardo were listening to.

32:23Felicity watches as Ricardo finally finishes sea sex with London.

32:27He orgasms hard spraying, spraying his baby gravy all over the deep blue sea.

32:32Oy.

32:33Oy.

32:33Baby gravy.

32:35I found my gag reflex.

32:38Yeah.

32:39He seems pretty pleased with himself.

32:42London just seems okay.

32:43Ricardo.

32:44It's just like, it was meh.

32:45Ricardo goes to high five London after a great round of ocean sex.

32:49When all of a sudden the shark appears and swallows him whole.

32:52Just like London had done to his dick previously.

32:55She's the seagull after all.

32:56Sorry.

32:57Better.

32:59London is in shock.

33:00She swims away as a shark violently munches Ricardo's post-coital body.

33:04God.

33:04She stares at Felicity in horror.

33:06Told you there was a shark.

33:07Can you cream my tits now?

33:09Felicity replies, the end.

33:11Oh.

33:13Very good.

33:14We didn't get to, I didn't get to cream your tits.

33:16I feel like it's implied.

33:18Yeah.

33:18I feel like it's a post-script.

33:19I feel like I would have done it afterwards.

33:22I think especially because the sex was meh.

33:24I love how in your own fantasy the sex is meh.

33:27Like men are still not performing.

33:30No.

33:30Underperforming.

33:31Even in your most ideal circumstances.

33:34Yeah.

33:34No.

33:34This is a bit meh.

33:35It's okay for him.

33:37Although these sharks are getting fed today.

33:39Yeah.

33:40We both.

33:41Three men.

33:41Yeah.

33:42It's actually a pro animal message.

33:44Yeah.

33:45It's about endangered species.

33:46Felicity, what did you think?

33:47I really loved it.

33:49What I loved was how anatomically incorrect it was at so many different points.

33:54Why?

33:55Which bit?

33:56Just, you know, talking about vulva and I don't think men have areola or do they?

34:02They do.

34:03They do?

34:03Every mammal.

34:04Oh, no.

34:04It was, you said the areola were bouncing.

34:08I feel like his pecs would have bounced.

34:11The areola do bounce.

34:12I wanted the areola to bounce.

34:13Yeah.

34:14I don't know.

34:14I just, I loved some of the very rudimentary descriptions.

34:18Like what?

34:19I don't feel like.

34:19Drippy clunge?

34:20Drippy clunge.

34:21Drippy clunge.

34:22Like rather than being enticed with words, it was, you know, just, it was like sometimes

34:28when your kids are next to you in bed and then they get up, they'll accidentally, but

34:32every time, put their elbow into your tit.

34:35Right.

34:35And it's a pain that you cannot describe.

34:37Right.

34:38That is how I would describe some of your language.

34:40Look at that.

34:41Yeah.

34:41So a good thing.

34:43Yes.

34:43Yeah.

34:43Yeah, absolutely.

34:44I take that as a compliment.

34:49I loved so much about both stories.

34:51I loved that they included a beach setting.

34:54I liked the balls, of course.

34:56Of course.

34:56I liked the sharks, were getting fed.

34:59Dick left and right.

35:00Dick left and right.

35:01We were boys.

35:02Both stories had London in a string bikini.

35:04Yes.

35:05And Felicity in different.

35:06Both stories featured London.

35:08That's important.

35:09I got fucked in both stories.

35:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.

35:12I was feeling beachy.

35:14I was feeling hot.

35:16But there can only be one winner.

35:17Oh, no.

35:18Who's the pen going to go to?

35:20Can I see the pen before?

35:22Okay, I'll show it to you.

35:23Let me see.

35:24It's a nice pen.

35:25The winner of the Write Me Dirty Pen

35:28and the story that will receive place of privilege

35:30in my Write Me Dirty library is

35:33The Lunder Down Under, Felicity Ward.

35:40Oh, my God.

35:41Oh, my God.

35:41A worthy winner.

35:44I thought you were going to say London Hughes.

35:46Worthy winner.

35:47And that is because both stories were very good.

35:50But I think that I was very drawn to

35:53not only the alliteration off the top.

35:55Yes.

35:55That was hot.

35:56I think it shows that you're on field

35:59and that this is sexting is a real strength of yours.

36:02No, I was really there.

36:04She's really descriptive.

36:05I felt like I was there.

36:06Felicity, how do you feel about your big win?

36:08Look, this is emotional.

36:09It's actually hard for me to talk about

36:10because it's such a big deal.

36:12I'd like to thank all the people that I've had sex with

36:15for inspiring this story.

36:18And me as well.

36:19I'd like to thank London for being a muse

36:23and such an easy, inspiring muse.

36:26Like, you saw how I captured you in there.

36:29Perfectly.

36:29Everything that you are is in that story.

36:32100%.

36:32So thank you for having me

36:35and giving me the platform

36:36to express myself in this way,

36:39which I think is untapped, quite frankly.

36:41I like it.

36:42I want you to do more of this.

36:43I feel like I'm going to do a romance novel next.

36:45Thank you so much to my guests,

36:47London Hughes and Felicity Ward.

36:50Thank you, Catherine Ryan.

36:51Well done, girls.

36:52Listening to Felicity's story

36:55made me burn with pure heat.

36:58The moment that Felicity and London left,

37:00the winning book went to print

37:01and I popped it on my rigid shelf.

37:04And for those at home,

37:05if this has inspired you

37:06to write your own dirty story,

37:08I'll leave you with this swollen tip.

37:15If you're at the beach

37:17while writing your dirty story,

37:18why not let your inhibitions go

37:20and join the nudists?

37:22The freedom will help your storytelling

37:24just as long as you don't get overexcited

37:26and let your creative juices

37:28leak on your beach towel.

37:29That's all from me.

37:30Until next time,

37:31when two more guests will write me dirty.

37:52It was a long blow.

37:58It was a long blow.

38:02Right?

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