Write Me Dirty Season 1 Episode 8

Showlenz

FULL MOVIES ENGLISH SUB Follow our Channel group to get the latest movie updates #drama #cdrama #romantic #drama #cdrama #romantic #love #movie #shortdrama

Transcript

00:00Hello, I'm Katherine Ryan, and this is Write Me Dirty.

00:04Coming up this week...

00:07It's not a glory hole.

00:08It's not a glory hole.

00:09Yeah, yeah.

00:10Is Ian like a midwife in this story or just a pervert?

00:13Just a pervert. Okay.

00:15It's big time negging to say someone fucks a cat.

00:19It wasn't specific or quick.

00:21Okay.

00:24What's this micropenis lord going to do?

00:27Big dicks causing property damage, you know.

00:30Big dicks.

00:31I can only... I just, you know, you write what you know.

00:33Yeah.

00:35Right.

00:36Dirty.

00:40Sundays are tricky little days.

00:43Sometimes they're filled to the brim with expensive lunches, a touch of shopping,

00:47and of course, a bull semen facial.

00:50Other times, they're completely empty.

00:53And so, on this lonesome Sunday, as I stood in my library fingering my books,

00:58I wondered how I would fill my day.

01:01Maybe I'll start renovating.

01:03Turn this library into a ballroom.

01:05That way I can spend all my time sashaying, dancing, laughing at my own jokes.

01:09But I let that silly thought pass.

01:12What a silly little thought indeed.

01:13However, as I sat upon my washing machine for its most vigorous cycle, it got me thinking,

01:21what if this room had once been a banquet hall filled with the most interesting people in the world,

01:28eating, dancing, and perhaps even shagging?

01:32What if a waiter's fingers had accidentally grazed the hand of a lord so gently it made the lord tremble?

01:40What if a countess had sucked the bones off a chicken leg so softly it had made a count almost fall to his knees?

01:47What if these very walls had seen an aristocrat slut-dropped flow rider?

01:52What if?

01:53What if?

01:54What if?

01:54I must hear this story told in full.

01:57I called one of my assistants immediately and requested he scour the land for two of the dirtiest writers he could find.

02:03Find them and tell them whomever writes the naughtiest story will get a firm handshake

02:08from the richest, most gorgeous, successful comedian in the land.

02:13It's me.

02:14Assistant had no trouble locating two of the dearest peasants

02:17to tell me how this story would go

02:20and to write me dirty.

02:24Hello, I'm Catherine Ryan and each week I ask two guests to write a naughty, dirty, filthy story about each other.

02:33And today, my two naughty nerds are Amy Gledhill and Ian Smith.

02:37Welcome.

02:38Hello.

02:39So I panicked because I didn't know what camera to look at and then I forgot to say anything.

02:43You panicked because of that or because you've written some pure filth about your colleague?

02:49Gross, Ian.

02:49Do we have an HR department?

02:51I mean, how did you feel?

02:53Amy, how did you feel about the brief today and what you had to bring to the table?

02:58It was tricky.

03:00No offence to Ian.

03:01Lovely boy.

03:02But tricky to view him in a different light.

03:05Really?

03:05Yeah.

03:06A different light.

03:07Yeah.

03:08A sexual one.

03:09Don't use that word.

03:10You hadn't viewed Ian in a sexual light before?

03:14No.

03:14And that's weird because I had my story already written and then when the podcast come through, I was like, oh, I can just use that one.

03:22Yeah.

03:22How many female comedians have you got dirty stories about, Ian, in your butt?

03:26Usually when a new female comedian gets in, like, say, a prestigious new act competition final, so they're on my radar, I will write an erotic story about them.

03:35Oh, nice.

03:36I saw you in the funny women audience, actually, and I thought you were a judge, but.

03:40Yeah.

03:40No.

03:41No, I wanted to add a bit more texture to the story, so I like to go and see them live.

03:44That's nice.

03:44Sometimes I ask a bit more about them.

03:47And how do you know, Amy?

03:48Ian, when did you guys first meet on the circuit?

03:50I think we first met.

03:52So, obviously, we do a podcast together in Northern News, but I think we first met in Edinburgh and another comedian called David Callaghan.

04:02And I think the first year I stayed with Amy, she was also doing, that was the year you were doing massages as additional Edinburgh fringing income.

04:11I'd sometimes walk past Amy's room and there was just, like, a table with, like, a hole in it or something, and she'd just be massaging someone.

04:19Oh, for the head.

04:20Yeah.

04:21Yeah.

04:21Nothing else.

04:22No, not a glory hole.

04:23It's not a glory hole.

04:24Yeah, yeah.

04:26But that was my first impression of Amy, sort of living with her in Edinburgh, which was very fun, and, yeah, occasionally seeing her getting to work on some muscle tension.

04:38Where were you finding these patrons, Amy?

04:41Facebook.

04:42Are we?

04:44Would you just whisper into their ear to hopefully also buy a ticket to your show?

04:48Were you flyering the massages?

04:50Do you know what?

04:50It happened the other way around.

04:51So, I was doing a show in my double act, The Delightful Sausage, which is really absurd and gross and mucky.

04:58It's, like, really mucky stuff.

05:00And then people would come.

05:01They'd come up the stairs to the flat, and I'd be in my little massage tunic.

05:07What?

05:07Trying to be, like, professional.

05:09And they'd go, oh, I've just seen your show about bum holes and maggots.

05:13And I was like, come in, relax.

05:17Don't think about the bum holes and maggots.

05:20Breathe.

05:21Great.

05:22Yeah.

05:23Did you fancy any of your clientele?

05:25No.

05:26I am trained.

05:27This wasn't me just giving it a go.

05:29I just want to put that out there.

05:31Sure.

05:31And they train you in massage not to go on men's ears.

05:36Why not?

05:36Because it's too sexual.

05:38Wow.

05:38And often causes erections.

05:39What?

05:39Genuinely.

05:40Yeah.

05:40Really?

05:40That's part of your training.

05:41And you also learn how to deal with an erection, an unwanted erection.

05:45How do you deal with an unwanted erection?

05:47Ignore it.

05:49Was that all they said?

05:51Yeah.

05:51It's literally, like, lesson four, how to deal with an erection.

05:54Just pretend it's not there.

05:55Yeah.

05:55I mean, it sounds a lot like my marriage.

05:59Okay.

05:59It works.

06:01Do you know a lot about sex from this teaching or from your own life?

06:06I mean, like, what are your sexual fantasies, Amy?

06:08I haven't had sex for a year.

06:10It's been a year now.

06:11You shouldn't be having sex.

06:12Okay.

06:13Okay.

06:13Thank you so much.

06:14Because do you know what?

06:16I know about some of your dating history, and I'm not impressed.

06:19Okay.

06:19And it's okay.

06:24I don't judge you because I've absolutely been there.

06:26But you need some time off.

06:29You know, you need, like, a palate cleanser.

06:30Yeah.

06:31Then, like, go back in.

06:33Yeah.

06:33And then you'll have enough self-respect to hopefully choose better.

06:37Like, we know, you're friends.

06:38We know you deserve.

06:41Ian, do you have any sexual fantasies?

06:43I don't think I do.

06:44I was thinking about this.

06:45I'd be really sad if I had, like, a fetish.

06:48Yeah.

06:49Because I just think it's so difficult of, like, what, like, date or what avenue in a

06:57trusting relationship do you go, I'm really sorry, you've got to butter some bread really

07:03thick and you've got to slap it on my body.

07:05Like, something like that, I'd just be like, I'd be too stressed about that all the time.

07:10That was so specific and so quick.

07:12That's definitely your fantasy.

07:13It was very northern.

07:14And it was very northern as well.

07:16It wasn't specific or quick.

07:17Okay.

07:20I don't even like bread.

07:26I think it's time to hear your stories.

07:28As you know, you have each been set the task of writing the naughtiest story that you can

07:33about each other.

07:34And you've been asked to include a setting, a character, and a prop.

07:38I have set you the task to include an aristocrat at a banquet.

07:44And the props must include a quill and a cheese and onion pie.

07:50The winner shall receive a firm handshake from me and their story will gain place of privilege

07:54on my dirty, dusty, filthy bookshelf.

08:00Consent is very important in the Write Me Dirty library.

08:03So who would like to go first?

08:05Do you have a preference, Amy?

08:07Oh, well done, Ian.

08:09Very nice.

08:10Oh, what are you running from?

08:11Do you want Amy to go first?

08:16Yeah, Amy can go first.

08:17If she'd like.

08:19Amy, what's the story called?

08:20It is called The Mucky Ring.

08:23Oh, no.

08:27Oh, no.

08:28Okay.

08:29Back to bumholes and maggots, unfortunately.

08:30Ian James Smith was a lowly cow farmer from Tut Bottom of Tut Hill.

08:37His life was slop and muck as far as his milky eyes could see, but he had dreams.

08:43Dreams of eating indoors with Tut Knife and Tut Fork, of pissing somewhere other than on his own feet.

08:51Amy, what is the, is this old D language, the T apostrophes?

08:56Oh, it's very Yorkshire that we say like, Tut Shop, let's go Tut Shop.

09:01It's like the, but I'm putting it in when it shouldn't be.

09:03Okay, sorry, as a Canadian I was unfamiliar, but it adds to the realism, I feel like I'm on the farm.

09:08He has dreams of feeling the warm skin of another human rather than just that of his panting bovines.

09:15Ian spent an inordinate amount of time hugging his cows.

09:19Yes, partly for himself, but he found he had a great calming effect on them.

09:23He was the only farmer in the East Riding who believed that getting on a cow's back and straddling it whilst it was giving birth was the correct method.

09:31He was known amongst the community as the Cow Fondler, or how Ian would pronounce it, the T-Cow-T-Fondler-Tum.

09:40That's very Northern.

09:43Was there an extra T on the end as well?

09:46Yeah, there was, yeah, just for Yorkshire.

09:47As a cow who's given birth, many times, I feel turned off by a man who would sit atop me while I'm in that kind of...

10:01It's a powerful move.

10:03It must help push things out.

10:06I love that you're instantly defending it.

10:10I know what I'm doing, Kathy goes.

10:11He knows what he's doing in this story. He's a trained cow farmer.

10:14Yeah, is Ian like a midwife in this story, or just a pervert?

10:18Just a pervert.

10:19Okay.

10:20Just a full pervert.

10:21Okay.

10:21At the top of the hill lived Lord Oxbridge, a not untalented man, but someone who was so dripping in unchecked privilege that his relationship with reality was that of a kitten chasing a bubble in a gust.

10:34Ooh, lovely.

10:35That's quite nice. I liked that.

10:38Good work, Amy.

10:38His wife, Lady Oxbridge, hated him.

10:41Oh.

10:42Yeah.

10:42Yeah. Oh, yeah.

10:43I see what's going to happen.

10:44Here we go. Here we go.

10:46She found him childlike and self-obsessed, edgeless, without grit or mystery, too damn clean to be sexy.

10:53On this night every year, the Oxbridges hosted their annual banquet called Ball for All.

11:00Ooh.

11:01A great feast celebrating the wonderful diversity found around the hills.

11:06It was a real hodgepodge of folk from all genders, lineages and peerages.

11:10Oh, hang on.

11:12Right?

11:12So Oxbridge, even though an elitist.

11:15Yeah.

11:16He includes the entire community in this very diverse Ball for All.

11:20So almost.

11:22Yeah.

11:23So very almost.

11:24Because the amazing thing was, it didn't matter where in the world they came from, they all happened to be from the same class.

11:33Lord Oxbridge saw beauty in that.

11:35Sometimes there'd be a backlash from the bitter uninvited guests saying it's not diversity if you all went to the same university.

11:41Very left-wing story I like.

11:43Thank you so much.

11:43But he'd laugh it off and say he couldn't understand their accents.

11:47Basically, this is because I know Ian may be known again as a chip on the old shoulder about the posh.

11:57What's that chip, Ian?

11:58Sometimes I'll Google a celebrity's name, I'll see that they're from an incredibly wealthy background or privately educated,

12:08and I just do a little scream to myself.

12:11Yeah, so it's just stuff like that.

12:13Like, I think of the last BAFTAs, out of the English nominees, like 80% of the BAFTA nominees were privately educated,

12:20and then I'd just sort of go,

12:22FUUUUUUUCK!

12:25But then remember that I haven't done anything that would even be in consideration or worthy,

12:30and I haven't put any effort in.

12:32But you know what?

12:33I feel, Ian, that when you're campaigning for social justice, it might seem that it's about you, but it's not.

12:39You would just like to see your demographic fairly represented.

12:41Yeah.

12:41And you see them including different ethnicities, maybe genders, but socioeconomic background is not considered.

12:49And I would like to take time to thank the producer of this podcast for my wine and for the show,

12:54and that's Jamie Lang, whose grandfather is, of course, the Biscuit King.

12:59Long may he reign.

13:03Thanks for letting us use your garage.

13:07Go on, Amy.

13:07Lady Oxbridge grew weary of the same guests year in, year out.

13:15She should be down there now, really, being the hostess, but she was in no rush.

13:19As she relaxed in her state-of-the-art tin bath, she slid her wedding ring on and off her slippery finger,

13:26daring to dream about a life unchained from Lord Oxbridge.

13:30For a second, her mind wandered to thoughts of another man, someone rough and scummy.

13:37She imagined her skin, fine like Lady Diana commemorative china, being caressed by a man with the rough, dry hands of a fisherman,

13:45or someone who overuses antibacterial hand gel.

13:48Okay, can I just take a minute here?

13:50Ian, how are you feeling about...

13:51If you were to sort of get all the men in the world on a scale,

13:57I'd say I'd be towards the smoother-handed men.

14:00Yeah, yeah, look at your hands now. Let's see your hands.

14:03I don't do manual labour.

14:05Do stuff like this, podcasts.

14:10His fingers calloused from podcasting.

14:13Pulled in the podcast mic so tightly.

14:16So she's in the bath.

14:17With eyes closed, she traces a soapy finger over her cheek, down her neck and towards her navel.

14:23Just then, Amy, her chambermaid, bangs on the bathroom door.

14:28She's so fit, but kind too.

14:31A real catch, everybody said so.

14:35Lady Oxbridge, Lady Oxbridge, sorry to disturb your bath wank,

14:39but Lord Oxbridge requires your immediate presence in the billiard room.

14:43We don't have a billiard room, Lady Oxbridge replied.

14:47I know, ma'am, he's drunk, Amy said, fetching Lady Oxbridge's towel and helping her out of the bath.

14:55Upon standing in the cold, the steam rose off Lady Oxbridge's wet skin

14:59like a freshly baked cheese and onion pie.

15:03Fuck!

15:04Point.

15:05It's in there!

15:06My favourite bit was when you did a sort of voice for Amy Gleddle, even though it's you.

15:14I know, ma'am.

15:17Thanks, I'm proud of that, actually.

15:19She wrapped herself in the towel and dripped through to the bedroom.

15:23Amy opened the window and began throwing out bath water.

15:26She really is so fit.

15:29The water, as usual, trickled down the hill to Ian's farm,

15:34where he waited with his rag, ready to use it for a wash for him and Betty, his favourite heifer.

15:39So I'm just going to wash myself in the towel?

15:44Yeah.

15:45I love, I love the word heifer.

15:48As he was lathering up Betty's rump, he noticed something twinkling in the muddy suds.

15:54It was a ring.

15:56Lady Oxbridge's wedding ring, no less.

15:59Yes.

16:01I must take this up to hilt at Lady Oxbridge at once.

16:04So honourable.

16:05Ian exclaimed to Betty, who didn't reply because she's a literal cow.

16:09He gave her a big old hug and a kiss on the mouth and put on his best and only jacket and set off up to hilt.

16:16Am I going to have sex with a person, do you reckon?

16:21So far, I'm just having sex with his cow and kissing it on the lips.

16:25I'm a bit worried that Ian has a jacket.

16:28What's it for?

16:29Has he been to court?

16:31Has he been...

16:32It's his court.

16:32In the north, we have a jacket and you either use it for court or funerals.

16:36Okay.

16:37So he's been to funerals.

16:38So he does, you have contact with people.

16:40Yeah.

16:40Meanwhile, Lady Oxbridge, freezing cold and soaking wet in not but a bath sheet, attended her husband's call.

16:47Whatever is the matter, dear?

16:49What is so urgent as to interrupt my bath wank?

16:52Bath wank.

16:53Yeah, I was going to interject there.

16:55Interrupt my bath wank.

16:57Bath wank.

16:58Sulking like an intoxicated toddler, Lord Oxbridge replies,

17:04My favourite quill.

17:06It's missing.

17:08Quill.

17:09Quill.

17:10Have you checked your drawer, darling?

17:12Says Mum.

17:12I mean, Lady Oxbridge.

17:14Yes, sir.

17:15Stop having a go at me.

17:16How on earth will I write my award-winning plays?

17:20Lord Oxbridge stomps.

17:21You'll do what you always do, dear.

17:23Pay someone else to write them.

17:24Lady Oxbridge puts her hand on his shoulder to comfort him and notices with a jolt her wedding ring is missing.

17:31She hides her hand immediately.

17:33If he's upset about a quill he's literally never used, the ring would tip him over the edge into one of his infamous man-baby bouts, which could last for months.

17:41And with over 50 guests, all called Sebastian in the main hall, this would be catastrophic.

17:47There is a knock at the back door.

17:49The back door is rarely used.

17:52Birthdays and sometimes, if there's a heavy flow of goods being delivered, Amy's fit footsteps can be heard going to answer.

18:02Standing on the doorstep, stinking of cow, is Farmer Ian.

18:06Amy greets him, but Ian is speechless.

18:08Weirdly, not by her fitness, but by the interior of the aristocrat's house.

18:14No slop or muck in sight.

18:16Exactly the sort of place you could eat with a knife and fork.

18:21Unbelievable.

18:22I have something belonging to Lady Oxbridge. May I see her?

18:26Uh-oh.

18:27And I'm okay with that voice as well.

18:32It's deeper, it's manlier than mine.

18:34Good, it's nice.

18:35I have to distinguish it from mine.

18:38Amy laughed.

18:39I doubt she'd want to see you, Farmer Ian, on account of you stinking like shit and having a reputation as a cow fiddler.

18:46Is she on the BAFTA committee?

18:47Sorry, I think you're all right there.

18:53We should do a podcast.

18:54What is a podcast?

18:56Replied the cow fiddler.

18:57I don't know, said Amy, but she knew she was on to summit.

19:01Leave us, Amy.

19:03Lady Oxbridge stood atop of the stairs, staring at Farmer Ian's rough, muddy hands.

19:07She gulped.

19:09Amy scurried away to patent podcasts, leaving the two of them alone.

19:13Lady Oxbridge, I have something for you.

19:16Ian croaked out.

19:17Come inside, Lady O'Paird.

19:23Oh.

19:23Oh, it's heating up now.

19:26Yes.

19:27Delighted to be in a structure made of brick, Ian came inside and closed the door behind.

19:33Lady Oxbridge had dropped her bath sheet and was stood completely naked.

19:37My.

19:38She hasn't even said anything, just straight into it.

19:40Well, she did explain, come inside.

19:42Oh, I guess, yeah.

19:43Oh, my God, yeah.

19:45She walked over to him, took his brutish hands in hers, feeling the ring.

19:50Ian was moved by the warmth and softness of a human hand.

19:55Over the hubbub of Sebastian's in the next room, Lady Oxbridge whispers her lips an inch

20:01away from his, is it true, you fiddle cows?

20:05Ian looks at the floor.

20:06Yes, getting a glimpse of her breasts on the way down.

20:08He'd actually done so well maintaining eye contact right up until now.

20:11Someone should give him a bloody medal.

20:13If loving them and caring for them and making them feel safe is fiddling, then yes, I guess

20:19I do.

20:20So is that sort of confirming that I don't have sex with the cows?

20:25I hope you don't.

20:26Does he have sex with the cows?

20:26It's ambiguous, you know.

20:28Readers can read into it whatever they want.

20:31I don't know.

20:32I feel less turned on by the protagonist if I feel that he's been inside a cow.

20:37You, okay.

20:38Well, I've definitely been inside them, but probably just with the birthing process.

20:43Yeah.

20:44Yeah.

20:44But are these half-man, half-cow babies?

20:47We can't talk about the calves.

20:50They look weird.

20:51The calves are fucked.

20:51They stand upright.

20:54They've got fun.

20:55The next one is called Silence of the Calfs.

20:57Oh, God.

20:58Yeah.

20:58This is all Lady Oxbridge ever wanted to hear from her pathetic husband.

21:03She pulled the farmer close and pleaded, then let me be your cow.

21:07After a few awkward minutes of Ian trying to milk her, he clocked that she meant sex stuff

21:13when she said, I meant sex stuff, and things really kicked off.

21:18Limbs entangled, hair got tangled, and dicks went right up.

21:23Dicks?

21:23How many dicks?

21:24Where are all the dicks coming from?

21:25I presume he's got a few.

21:27I don't know.

21:28Like an udder, sort of sisting.

21:30I've got six dicks.

21:33Ripe for milking.

21:35Lady Oxbridge pushed the horrible, dirty fingers into every orifice she could think of.

21:41Dirty fingers?

21:42And then two she couldn't.

21:44Huh?

21:48In the heat of the moment, the farmer did his signature move.

21:54He respectfully asked Lady O to get on all fours, and he mounted her like a pregnant cow.

22:01He began to rhythmically ride her, arm in up to his elbow, saying things like, that's it girl, nearly out now, keep going, keep going.

22:11As she was reaching the irreversible peak, he galloped her through the doors to the main hall, where she knocked over a gravy jug, dousing them both.

22:21Threw her head back and let out an almighty, mooooooo.

22:26So I've ridden her into where other people are.

22:32The banquet.

22:33Yeah, into the banquet.

22:34Is her husband there?

22:36Well, I'm sure we're going to find out.

22:38What's this micropenis lord going to do?

22:40Not much, I bet.

22:43The Sebastians were still and silent, all eyes on the lovers as they collapsed in a heap.

22:48I'll be getting took back then, the farmer panted, and left Lady Oxbridge twitching in ecstasy on the floor.

22:55Lord Oxbridge appeared through the crowd, full of adrenaline.

22:58I knew it!

22:59My quill was in my drawer, like you said!

23:02He stood over her naked body, not for a second, thinking anything amiss.

23:07Why is your ring so mucky?

23:10He asked.

23:11Because I fucked a farmer and it's covered in his slop, she replied.

23:16Well.

23:16Lord Oxbridge laughed, maybe because he thought it's so implausible as to be a joke,

23:21but probably because he had already stopped listening and started thinking about how much money his dad has.

23:26Amy, honestly looking like an angel at this point, is just so, so hot.

23:31It really sounds fit.

23:32She's so fit, Catherine.

23:34I just, I think she's brilliant and single and hasn't had sex for a year.

23:39We're finding out why.

23:45Oh God.

23:46Amy sits with Ian in the servants' quarters, which is basically a cupboard, or I don't know, a podcast studio,

23:52and they're having an award-nominated chat.

23:54Go on, try them, says Amy.

23:57With that, Ian picks up his first ever knife and fork.

24:00A dream come true.

24:02And down at the farm, Betty, Ian's favourite cow, got the night off.

24:08God.

24:09Oh, but the night off makes it sound like the blissful relief from me.

24:13It's ambiguous.

24:14Yeah.

24:15Oh, fair enough.

24:16Amy, I don't know if it is ambiguous.

24:18It really feels like Ian is engaging in bestiality with the cows.

24:23They're having a hug and a kiss, for sure.

24:25If there's something wrong with that, then...

24:29I don't want to live in a world where there's something wrong with that.

24:32I think the standout character of Mucky Ring was Amy.

24:39Amy's fit.

24:40Amy's luminescent.

24:41She's single.

24:42We know that.

24:43I would maybe have liked to see a protagonist who wasn't engaging in illegal behaviour with

24:50animals.

24:51I liked learning about the T-apostrophe Yorkshire thing.

24:57Didn't know about that.

24:58And I just thought it was a really beautifully written story, but I'm not in the story.

25:02Ian, how did you feel about this erotic fiction, which is inspired by you?

25:07Yeah, I guess like when you said you weren't over the moon with there being bestiality in

25:14it, I feel like I haven't come across fantastically there.

25:19It kind of feels exciting to me, like kind of schoolyard games.

25:25Like maybe you do fancy Ian because you've had to create an entire narrative where he

25:30abuses animals just so that he believes you don't actually fancy him.

25:33And that's very like knocking someone's school books out of their hands in kindergarten.

25:39It's big time nagging to say someone fucks a cat.

25:45Ian, what's your story called?

25:48My story is called Come for the Pies, Stay for Amy Gladill, C-U-M, Come for the Pies.

25:55I love that.

25:56Oh, it's nice, isn't it?

25:58When you're nice to people.

26:00Come for the Pies.

26:01And at one point, see if you can spot it, there's a genuine educational shortcrust pastry

26:08recipe.

26:09Oh, this is cool.

26:12Oh, you know what a woman likes.

26:14Yeah.

26:15This is erotic fiction and like trad wife all rolled into one.

26:20I think Amy's does have more sexual descriptions.

26:24Oh, we'll see.

26:25Okay.

26:26Cockleforb Hall was the home of handsome yet lonely Lord Cockleforb, or Henry to his friends,

26:31of which he had none, as it was impossible for him to have platonic relationships due to

26:35his raw sex appeal.

26:36Oh, wow.

26:37Hang on, Ian.

26:38What is his name?

26:39Lord Cockleforb.

26:41Cockleforb.

26:42Forb.

26:43Hmm.

26:43In my accent.

26:44Cockleforb.

26:45Yes.

26:45His vast estate, and I'm now talking about his penis, was known all around the Yorkshire

26:50area, as was his vast estate, and I'm now talking about his house and grounds.

26:58As the windy mums drew closer, anticipation grew for the elusive Lord Cockleforb's annual

27:03fuckfest.

27:04What?

27:04His banquets, with food made entirely from aphrodisiacs, would descend into orgies that

27:09one year lasted a whole fortnight.

27:11But there was a huge problem.

27:13Due to a series of incidents, there was a national shortage of every single aphrodisiac-ical

27:18food.

27:19Oh, no.

27:20There were no artichokes due to a horrifying blight.

27:23Asparagus spears had all been taken by the British Army to use as actual weapons, and

27:28eating oysters had been outlawed after someone thought they heard one of them talk, and now

27:31that was being looked into by the RSPCA.

27:36Word was put out around neighbouring towns to find a chef, or chefienne, a female chef.

27:41I've got you guys covered.

27:43I know that's how women like to be addressed.

27:45It's actually chefette, but that's fine.

27:47Yeah, you're learning.

27:49Okay, so a chefette who could cook an erotic banquet that would get the randy aristocrats

27:53of Cockleforb banging for anything up to two weeks.

27:56Wow.

27:57Lord Cockleforb was recommended to hire Amy Gledill, known to some as the erotic pastry

28:02witch.

28:03Wow.

28:05A woman famed for pies which could turn even the tamest of men into potent lovers, with

28:10the stamina of Paula Radcliffe and the penis of a horse.

28:13Wow.

28:14Hang on.

28:17I'm not sure who Paula Radcliffe is.

28:19She's a marathon runner who once did a shit on the side of a road.

28:23What?

28:24Huh?

28:25Mid-marathon.

28:26Mid-marathon.

28:27A British one?

28:27Yeah.

28:28A British shit, yeah.

28:29Marathon runner.

28:30Marathon runner.

28:31What year?

28:31I don't know.

28:33Like, while I was here?

28:34I don't think she did it to offend you.

28:35People heard her say, this is for Catherine Ryan.

28:44Damn.

28:46Gledill was summoned to Cockleforb Hall and told to bring all her ingredients for the bangathon.

28:51In the kitchen, Miss Gledill was met with two helpers.

28:54The first was Melvin, who had an arched back that made Quasimodo look like Adrian from Yoga

28:59with Adrian, and an accent so Northern that most people could only make out the word gravy.

29:07The other one was Ian Smith and actually looked all right.

29:09Oh.

29:10And that's the most I've complimented myself.

29:13Actually looked all right.

29:14Lord Cockleforb entered the kitchen.

29:16His tight horse riding trousers made it possible to count individual pubic hairs.

29:21He was inexplicably topless, dripping in sweat and crushing a grapefruit in each hand, using

29:26the juice to add texture to his already immaculate hair.

29:28Miss Gledill had never felt such an attraction to someone since she saw that man who wore

29:32three-quarter-length pants.

29:36What?

29:37What's that mean?

29:38I just thought that's a fun thing to be attracted to.

29:42I've heard a lot about you, he purred.

29:44It's not all true, Lord Cockleforb.

29:46Sorry, I'll do Amy's voice.

29:48It's not all true, Lord Cockleforb, said Amy flirtatiously, lifting her skirt up to reveal

29:54one of the finest examples of an ankle you've ever seen.

29:57Oh, my God, it was ankle.

29:58Oh, my, my.

29:59Another compliment I noticed, though.

30:01The northern word for vagina.

30:03Yes.

30:03Yeah, yeah, yeah.

30:04Call me Henry, he said nervously.

30:07By this point, Amy had counted over 40 pubic hairs.

30:10I hear your pies are a guarantee of lust, but I find it hard to believe a pie could be an

30:15aphrodisiac.

30:16They're so working class.

30:18Oh, but you're wrong.

30:20Let me show you.

30:22She gestured for Melvin and Ian to leave.

30:25Melvin waddled out while Ian did a more normal walk.

30:27Come, stand behind me.

30:32Cockleforb stood behind Amy, his bulbous cream chinos greeting her behind like a pack of sausages

30:37greets a frying pan.

30:39Sizzling.

30:39Oh, my God.

30:40Sizzling.

30:41That is.

30:41I don't think I can write sexy stuff.

30:45She placed his hand in hers.

30:46He'd never known such tenderness before.

30:48This was a man who was used to banging people whose names he couldn't even remember and using

30:52a candelabra as a sex toy.

30:54But what was this?

30:56A tingle not just in his dingle, but in his mind.

30:59Oh.

30:59It's romantic.

31:05A tingle not just in his dingle.

31:07Not just in his dingle.

31:08Tingle in his mind.

31:10That's really lovely, Ian.

31:12Hand in hand, Amy sifted 250 grams of plain flour into a mixing bowl.

31:18Adding 125.

31:20Here comes the recipe.

31:22I find this funnier than more people.

31:26125 grams of diced butter before rubbing it with their combined fingertips.

31:30Then adding milk in a dash of oil.

31:32It's a bit like Ghost.

31:34I'm with it.

31:35Yeah, she's got his hands like that and she's guiding his hands to gently rub in the short

31:42crust into a sort of crumb before adding your wet mix to make it a more stable mixture.

31:48And what's the wet mix?

31:50The wet mix is milk and it's, I think, a very small amount of milk and a dash of oil if you

31:56feel like it needs it.

31:57Because before you said come for the pies and I was thinking, come for the pies.

32:02Yeah, well, my original story, I edited it out a bit where at the end, he comes into

32:08a pie and then they bake it and eat it.

32:11That bit got edited out.

32:13You know, always go with your first instinct, I think.

32:17Wowee.

32:17Yeah.

32:18That's hardcore.

32:19It gets more sexual.

32:21Okay, well, we'll stay on track.

32:22What was happening to Cocklethorpe?

32:24He'd never cooked before.

32:25That was for the poor.

32:26He'd never had pie before.

32:28That was also for the poor.

32:29And by God, he'd never felt lust like this.

32:32Cocklethorpe had to move away.

32:33What was this witchcraft?

32:35He doesn't feel.

32:36He doesn't fall in love.

32:37He hasn't had an emotion since his mother died.

32:40And no one can say he has.

32:41No one.

32:42Amy put the pastry in some cling film and placed it in the fridge for 20 minutes.

32:47I know something we can do in 20 minutes, she suggested, with a wink of the eye and a

32:52taking off of all her clothes.

32:54I'm afraid I have to go, said a flustered Cocklethorpe.

32:57Those antique silver dishes won't fill themselves with condoms for the party.

33:02Why is he leaving?

33:02Why is he running out so fast?

33:04He's panicking.

33:04He's only ever gangbanging.

33:07Because he's in love.

33:07He's in love.

33:07Yes, it's emotion.

33:08He doesn't want to have this kind of sex.

33:10Oh.

33:11Oh.

33:11He's a gangbanger only.

33:15He stumbled out of the kitchen.

33:17His wang fit to burst.

33:19Oh.

33:24Amy sighed and crushed 100 Viagras into her cheese and onion pie mix.

33:29It wasn't witchcraft at all.

33:30Just a shit ton of Viagra.

33:34Later that night, as a guest scoffed their cheese and onion pies and forced beer down

33:37their randy gullets, Lord Cocklethorpe watched on.

33:41A weird feeling passing over him.

33:43Yes, he had an erection like a meter ruler made out of titanium.

33:46But he felt no desire to get involved in the Olympic level swing session.

33:50Oh.

33:50Happening on, against and under his antique oak tables.

33:53On, against and under.

33:55Hmm.

33:56Hmm.

33:56Bodily fluids were flying around like water from a killer whale splash at a sea life centre.

34:01Fucking hell.

34:02But he felt nothing.

34:06The makeshift cagoules provided to the guests were no match for the waterfall of Jizzum.

34:13Flying around the room, he just stood there deep in his thoughts.

34:17Deep in calm.

34:18Yeah.

34:19I appreciate the use of Jizzum.

34:21Hmm.

34:22It's too often abbreviated to just Jizz.

34:24Hmm.

34:25Bring back Jizzum.

34:26He had a sudden realisation.

34:28All that was on his mind was Amy Gleddle, the ruby-haired siren of pies.

34:32He spun to his left-hand side, knocking over a massive quill with his engorged member.

34:37He worked his way down the kitchen, his knob knocking into various parts of the house like

34:42an over-enthusiastic dog wagging his tail so violently he has to wear a bandage on it.

34:47Have you seen those sad dogs?

34:50They just whack their tails against stuff.

34:53Oh, yes.

34:53And they're too thick to feel pain.

34:56They're just going like, ah!

34:59And then they have to get a bandage on their tail.

35:02Where have you seen such dogs, Ian?

35:04Just occasionally seeing a dog like that with a bandage and it's just hitting stuff and

35:09you're thinking, that's your problem.

35:15And Lord Cocklethorpe's dick is doing that?

35:19Yes.

35:20It's swinging because it's had all the Viagra.

35:23It's still under the influence of Viagra.

35:25So it's banging into stuff as he's, whenever he turns, it's going like that.

35:31Oh, God.

35:31Yeah, it's all over the place.

35:32There's nothing worse than sad with a boner.

35:35Because you've got to move your body to move the boner.

35:38You know what I mean?

35:39No.

35:40So like, it's solid.

35:43It's out.

35:44Yeah.

35:44If he, a penis doesn't have a neck.

35:48It can't go, it can't go, oh, I'm just going to look that way.

35:52You have got to move your body.

35:55And so, so it's going on.

35:58Yeah.

35:58It's going all over the place at the point.

36:00He could just tuck it into the waistband, maybe of his trousers.

36:04Not this penis.

36:05No.

36:07His cock was so long.

36:09Oh.

36:09He'd have needed a prophlactic, the length of the Bayer tapestry.

36:14What?

36:14The Bayer tapestry.

36:15What's that?

36:16It's the huge tapestry that depicts, I think, the Battle of Hastings or 1066.

36:21Oh.

36:22And it's long.

36:23Well, this is very literary.

36:24Yeah.

36:26Okay.

36:26In the kitchen, he found Amy washing the last of the pots, soap suds dripping off her body

36:32like a reveler at a foam party.

36:34It's not the food.

36:36I can't stop thinking about you.

36:37Ever since we made, or at least did the pre-prep, for that pastry.

36:42You're all I can think about, he said.

36:45His penis still hard and long enough to hang four coats on.

36:48Or two very wet towels.

36:52You're all I've thought about, doh, blushed Amy.

36:55Her face now is red as her own hair, so weirdly, you couldn't tell the two apart.

37:00So she either looked like she had no hair but a massive head, or a big hairy head.

37:08Lord Cocklethorpe cleared everything from the counter simply by turning his body and using

37:13his penis.

37:14Melvin and Ian, Ian Smith that is, knew it was time for them to exit the kitchen again.

37:19Melvin panicked and limboed under Cocklethorpe's rigid rod piece, whereas Ian just walked out

37:24like a normal person.

37:27A fit one at that, and critically acclaimed in his field.

37:31Yeah, I've done a bit for myself.

37:32Yeah, nice.

37:33Now Amy was having her clothes removed, like cling film being removed from refrigerated

37:37shortcrust pastry.

37:40And Cocklethorpe was about to be the cheese and onion filling.

37:43Oh, wow.

37:46It's getting sexy now.

37:47He thrusted with such speed that the heat from the friction was enough to fry an egg that

37:51they had crushed and lay on top of.

37:53This was the first time Cocklethorpe had felt, dare I say it, love.

37:57There were no oysters, no asparagus.

38:00He didn't need excitement of the revelers above.

38:02He only needed Amy Gledo, who was now wanking him off in between her multiple Edinburgh Comedy

38:07Award trophies, the cold perspex and embossed sponsor logos, bringing him to a climax so

38:15extreme it registered on the Richter scale and knocked some tiles off some poor family's

38:19dog shit roof.

38:21What?

38:23You just said dog shit roof.

38:24Dog shit roof.

38:25Knocked some towels off a poor family's dog shit roof.

38:28Knocked some tiles.

38:28Oh, tiles.

38:29Okay.

38:30I'd like you to be Mrs. Cocklethorpe, the Lord whispered as they lay on the granite work

38:35surface, still sizzling from the heat of intense lovemaking.

38:38I think I'll keep my own surname, replied Amy.

38:41Oh!

38:42But, yes.

38:44And they embraced on the kitchen counter, Cocklethorpe's penis pointing directly upwards like a sundial

38:49or a giant swing ball set.

38:52I think it takes a while for the Viagra to go, especially there's so much in there, and

38:59then simply ends with, it's a tale as old as time.

39:03Wow.

39:04Beautiful.

39:05You liked it, Amy?

39:06I did.

39:07Like, there was a few bits I wasn't as keen on.

39:10Like?

39:10There is a bit where you said I was a witch, and also, I'm spiking people with Viagra.

39:16But I think you're a witch because they're like, we don't understand how these pies are

39:21giving us these hard-ons.

39:23And back in the day, it would be witchcraft.

39:25I mean, you and I would be described as witches had we been alive during the witch trials.

39:31For sure.

39:31A witch is just a disruptive woman, and I like that.

39:35Yeah, an outspoken woman.

39:39It's mad that those, I'm not trying to devile this, but isn't it mad that there was witch

39:45trials, and throughout all of them, they never found a witch, and that didn't at any point

39:49deter them to go, oh, that one has set on fire again, actually.

39:53It's like the traitors, when they keep banishing faith, I was like, no, we'll get one.

39:59They had to stay committed to the cause.

40:00After that much investment, that many dead fireballs, there must be a witch.

40:05Yeah, you'd look silly if you went, guys, I don't believe in witches anymore.

40:09Then you're a witch.

40:10Yeah.

40:11I wouldn't back down.

40:12Well, this was my problem, I think, with both works, is that there was some toxicity

40:18throughout.

40:20Amy, yours depicted Ian as participating in bestiality.

40:24Ian, your erotic fiction depicted Amy as spiking people with Viagra.

40:30Yes.

40:31Amy, I loved that your protagonist was a farmer.

40:35I found that very sexy.

40:37I liked also that your story was a roast.

40:40I'm not sure if it ventured into a distracting level.

40:46He was a bit of a red flag.

40:48I loved so many things, Ian, about your story.

40:52I like that you considered your protagonist jizzing into the cheese and onion pie.

41:00But in the end, the short crust recipe, I think, will keep people coming back.

41:05I would have liked to see you focus a lot more on the sex.

41:09It's erotic fiction.

41:11It made me laugh, but believe it or not, it requires more for women to feel aroused than

41:19just big dicks again and again.

41:22Big hard dicks.

41:24Big dicks causing property damage.

41:27You know, big dicks.

41:28I can only, I just, you know, you write what you know.

41:31Yeah.

41:31Thank you so much, Amy Gledhill and Ian Smith, for your fantastic stories.

41:38It was very close.

41:40I was very close.

41:42Multiple times throughout the readings.

41:45And now the climax.

41:47The winner is...

41:51Ian Smith, come for the pies.

41:54Stay for Amy Gledhill.

41:55C-U-M.

41:59Your book is the winner for me.

42:00And that is because I do think that a lot of bakers, a lot of cooks, a lot of people

42:06who are alone in the kitchen could be fingering themselves.

42:11Yes, I agree.

42:14And I just thought the marriage of these genres was really genius.

42:18And so Ian Smith is the winner of my very firm rock-solid titanium handshake.

42:27Okay.

42:28Congratulations, Ian.

42:30That is very firm.

42:32Would you like to deliver a winner's speech?

42:34I would like to thank BBC Good Food for their definitive shortcrust pastry recipe.

42:41And for erotic fiction to be brought to the cooking world, I think it's very important

42:48because since Nigella Lawson only comes out at Christmas now.

42:53Yeah.

42:53And I think we need all year round food-based masturbation.

43:00Okay.

43:02Well, Ian, thanks to you, I think we'll be turning all our ovens up to four.

43:08Thank you to my guests, Amy Gladwell and Ian Smith.

43:12This has been Write Me Dirty.

43:16So there you have it.

43:18Hearing Ian Smith's story successfully fulfilled my aristocratic and cheese and onion pie fantasies.

43:24That book's going straight to print, and I'll be putting it on my bookshelf.

43:28And for those of you at home, if this has inspired you to write your own erotic story,

43:33I will leave you with just the tip.

43:38If you're struggling for inspiration, before you get started,

43:43why not take a relaxing bath like Lady Oxbridge?

43:46The wetter the bath, the better the writing.

43:49That's all for me.

43:50Join me next time when two more guests will write me dirty.

43:53Write.

43:54Write.

43:55Write.

43:56Write.

43:57Write.

43:58Write.

43:59Write.

44:00Write.

44:01Write.

44:02Write.

44:03Write.

44:04Write.

44:05Write.

44:06Write.

44:08Write.

44:09Write.

44:10Write.

44:11Write.

44:12Write.

44:13Write.

44:14Write.

44:15Write.

44:16Write.

44:17Write.

44:18Write.

44:19Write.

44:20Write.

44:21Write.

44:22Write.

44:23Write.

44:24Write.

44:25Write.

44:26Write.

44:27Write.

44:28Write.

44:29Write.

44:30Write.

44:31Write.

44:32Write.

44:33Write.

44:34Write.

44:35Write.

44:36Write.

Category

Transcript

Be the first to comment

Recommended