Funniest Comic Jokes from Instagram Reels and Youtube Shorts.
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00:00I just paid off my student loan.
00:04It's tough getting older.
00:06Went into an antique store, they wouldn't let me leave.
00:12I tried using that face-aging app.
00:16They said, now you're good.
00:22I'm officially an old man.
00:24I give unwanted advice to total strangers.
00:27I told a kid to pull his pants up.
00:29His underwear was showing.
00:31He mocked me, tried to give me a wedgie.
00:33But the joke was on him.
00:35I was wearing the pins.
00:38I went to the doctor because I thought.
00:40I thought I had arthritis.
00:42I don't.
00:44I have early onset rigor mortis.
00:50Anybody ever drop their phone in the toilet?
00:52There you go.
00:54I did.
00:55And after I did, I put my phone in a bag of rice.
00:57Anybody ever drop a bag of rice in the toilet?
01:04I joined a dating site for people my age called Carbon Dating.
01:09I asked a woman on the site for her number.
01:19She told me it was 140 over 95.
01:25I went out of college.
01:26I got beat.
01:27My mom, when I was younger, she would beat me with a hanger.
01:30Yeah.
01:31Yeah.
01:32A metal one.
01:33A wire hanger.
01:34Yeah, a wire hanger.
01:35A wire hanger.
01:36Yeah.
01:37But then she did switch to a belt once I was born.
01:39The other night, I was walking home.
01:51It was really late.
01:53And a black guy walks towards me.
01:56Instinctively, I grabbed my purse.
02:00Even though logically, I know he's not for sale.
02:13He did steal my wallet though.
02:17I'm going through a breakup.
02:18Anybody else?
02:19Okay.
02:20It's sad.
02:21We went to Paris, too, this summer.
02:26And it was really romantic.
02:28We rode bikes.
02:29We got baguettes, you know.
02:31And we even got matching.
02:33What are the hats that they all wear?
02:35The hijabs.
02:42It was tougher for black people to believe in reincarnation.
02:45You know what I'm saying?
02:46Because right now I can blame white people for slavery.
02:50That's some fucked up shit you did back then.
02:52But just because I'm black now,
02:54doesn't mean I was black in my past.
03:00I could be who I'm angry at.
03:05I could have been a slave owner.
03:08That could be my statue.
03:09I made them take that.
03:14And they say when you fuck up in your past life,
03:17when you come back,
03:19your next life is harder.
03:25So.
03:31As a former white person.
03:33I'd like to warn you new white niggas.
03:48That black lives matter.
03:50You know what I'm saying?
03:54If you're Jewish, this is a crazy thing.
03:56You're at the end of every conspiracy theory.
03:58Like, people think Jews did every...
04:00Not just banks and Hollywood.
04:01Like, I travel, people are like,
04:02crop circles.
04:03That was Jews.
04:05That was also Jews.
04:06I'm like, first, I don't think...
04:07They don't like yard work, first of all.
04:11I don't think they're doing crop circles.
04:13Also, I thought that was aliens.
04:14Wasn't that aliens?
04:15They're like, yeah, we thought so.
04:16Then we thought something weirder.
04:18You know?
04:20We thought something we understand less.
04:22We went to Jews.
04:24They went from aliens to Jews.
04:27The one thing they still think is aliens is the pyramids.
04:30In Egypt.
04:32And that was Jews.
04:33You know?
04:39I am a liberal.
04:40I don't like it.
04:41It's not fun.
04:43We all know that.
04:44It's not fun.
04:45It's a full-time job.
04:46Conservatives, that must be so easy.
04:47You're not learning any pronouns.
04:48You're leaving your air conditioning on.
04:51You're throwing all your garbage in one hole.
04:56I'm out here.
04:57I'm like, did the compost go out?
04:58Is the compost out?
04:59How are the refugees?
05:00Are the refugees all right?
05:03What's the air quality index today?
05:07I remember last year in New York, January 15th,
05:09it was 75 degrees.
05:12And all of us New Yorkers, all of us liberal New Yorkers,
05:14we had to go outside and pretend that was bad.
05:19We had to go out in a beautiful January day and be like,
05:21this sucks, right?
05:24Climate change.
05:26I'm in a t-shirt.
05:27This is awful.
05:29Conservatives are like, wow, what a beautiful 75 degree
05:33Martin Luther King day.
05:34Martin Luther King day.
05:37I wasn't going to celebrate, but now I am.
05:39If you're black and you want to talk shit,
05:41all you do is you look at somebody,
05:44you say exactly what they look like,
05:48and then at the end of that you go,
05:50looking ass.
05:52It's so easy, right?
05:55It's simple as pie.
05:58Young sees candy lady looking ass.
06:02Old Moby looking ass, a musician.
06:07Does his own taxes looking ass.
06:10It's so easy.
06:13This happened to me too, bro.
06:14I had a black dude who walked right past me
06:16and he goes, you fucking orchestra conductor looking ass.
06:20Who got the joke?
06:21I didn't even get the joke.
06:25I didn't get that joke until about eight hours later.
06:29Dog, eight hours later, I'm brushing my teeth.
06:31I'm in the mirror about to go to bed.
06:32I said...
06:39I said, he's good.
06:40This guy's good.
06:42I look like every orchestra can...
06:44You know who I'm talking about.
06:45What the fuck, that guy?
06:50Biggest bullshit job in the history of jobs.
06:57How do we let that guy do that?
07:01Band's been playing their instrument for 30 years.
07:0430 years the guy's been playing his instrument.
07:06You're telling me if we didn't have this guy?
07:12The violin guy would be like, I don't know what to do!
07:16I'm a Jew.
07:18I don't look super Jewish.
07:19I am asymptomatic.
07:21I look like our national predator, if anything.
07:25And it's a weird time.
07:27Weird time for the Jews.
07:29Strange time right now.
07:30There's been a recent uptick in anti-Semitism the last 3,000 years.
07:33So, uh...
07:35It's getting tense.
07:36I'm always frustrated by the ignorance of it.
07:38It's always just wild, baseless claims.
07:40Like, oh, Jews secretly run the media and the weather and the banks.
07:45And it's like, the banks isn't a secret.
07:48That one...
07:50We're pretty out there with that.
07:51Goldman Sachs.
07:52We put our name on the building twice.
07:54It's very overt.
07:55All of them.
07:56Lehman Brothers.
07:57Solomon Brothers.
07:58Bear Stearns.
07:59Oh, JP Morgan.
08:00Did you know JP stands for Jewish people?
08:03Did you know that?
08:04There's just so many Jews.
08:05Like, we can't even list them.
08:06Just Jewish people.
08:08Oh, and that one Goy Morgan.
08:11He's just here to hold down the fort on Yom Kippur.
08:13That's his whole job.
08:15Oh, God.
08:16Another thing that was crazy about Generation X.
08:18I don't even know if you can talk about this anymore.
08:20But, um...
08:21We did this thing.
08:22It's so weird.
08:23Okay.
08:24It was called Critical Thinking.
08:27And...
08:29It's so crazy.
08:30So, basically, what you would do...
08:32This is like in the old days.
08:33You would listen to both sides of a story or a topic or an issue.
08:40And then, you would make your own...
08:43This is crazy.
08:44You'd make your own opinion that would then guide you through life.
08:54MAGA.
08:55Make America great again.
08:57They have a point.
08:58America is not doing so great right now.
09:00Right?
09:01Our kids' math scores are down.
09:04Our children's science scores are down.
09:06When judged according to international metrics.
09:08Health care systems are not doing so great.
09:10Wealth gap disparities increasing exponentially.
09:12There was an implied promise to a generation of Americans that if you do certain things, work hard, go to college, be a good person, you would have certain outcomes.
09:20And those outcomes didn't materialize for majority of people.
09:23Because baby boomers entrenched in decision-making positions lower the capital gains tax.
09:27So that their net worth essentially compounds year after year.
09:31And post-World War II, US leadership traded the domestic manufacturing industry for national security by making the US dollar the default international trade currency.
09:38Which gave America the ability to impose economic sanctions on foreign countries through a US financial banking system.
09:42But consequently increased the value of the US dollar astronomically.
09:44Which made it impossible for anyone to manufacture anything in America.
09:48Although the logic at the time...
09:51Was that Americans were supposed to upskill, en masse, away from the menial manufacturing jobs.
09:54But everyone here is too much of a dumbass to stay in school.
09:56So we just traded domestic manufacturing to Asia and the rest of the world at the expense of working class families.
10:01But if you don't read enough, it comes out as, let's go Brenda!
10:10And it's like you have a point, but you don't have the vocabulary to describe your reality.
10:15Because you didn't read enough, you gotta keep reading.
10:17Beyond the hashtag, there's a book behind the word, you gotta keep going.
10:21You can go at your own pace, but you gotta finish the required reading, otherwise you can't have a conversation.
10:25It's just, we're all catching up to each other.
10:27Very passionate people, my MAGA friends.
10:29And I respect their passion, to some extent.
10:32I do.
10:33They're like, man, Ronnie, I love America.
10:34I would die for this country.
10:35And I believe them.
10:36I believe they love America.
10:37And I believe they would die for this country.
10:39Which is very admirable.
10:41But it's like, man, you're willing to die for your country.
10:44Why aren't you willing to learn math?
10:49Also for your country.
10:50Like, do both for your country.
10:53Because I know you want to die for your country, but we're losing the engineering jobs to Asia right now.
10:56So we need less people to die for the country.
10:58We need more people to do their homework for the country.
11:00Like, do your homework for your country.
11:02Like, actually sit down and show the working and like, do the...
11:05That's a more efficient way to show your patriotism.
11:08Like, I don't...
11:09If you take that I want to die energy and you put it into homework, you will fucking top the school.
11:13I'm telling you.
11:14It's...
11:15Sky's the limit.
11:16You'll solve a lot of problems.
11:21You'll create a lot of jobs.
11:22You'll increase the GDP.
11:23Okay?
11:24Just like, do your homework for your country.
11:25I'd rather die!
11:29I thought so.
11:30I thought that might be...
11:31I thought that might be the case.
11:32Dying's easy.
11:33Math is hard.
11:34Now life made a lot of sense to me.
11:36I went...
11:37I grew up in Seattle.
11:38I went to school.
11:39I majored in business.
11:40Now I'm a comedian.
11:41My parents are ticked.
11:43But there's so much stuff in school they didn't teach us in life.
11:45So I'm going to show you how life really goes down.
11:47What they do not teach us in school.
11:49Right?
11:50You wake up into your world in about age 16.
11:53About age 16 you start saying to yourself,
11:55I have to get a job one day.
11:57So I'm going to have to work real hard at a skill to make money.
11:59But you know what?
12:00I want to make a lot of money.
12:02So I'm going to work for years to become an expert at this skill.
12:04Then I get a relationship going.
12:06Now I have to keep the job going because she needs a lot of money.
12:12But now not only do I have to be an expert at my job.
12:16All of a sudden I have to be an expert at relationships.
12:18This is hard.
12:20She wants me to be masculine yet sensitive.
12:23I don't know if I'm supposed to be Richard Gere or Richard Simmons.
12:27Then we bought a house.
12:30Now I have to be a plumber.
12:32I have to be an electrician.
12:33I have to be a landscape artist.
12:35I have to be an expert at taxes.
12:37Now we have children.
12:39Now I'm a doctor.
12:46Now I'm a doctor.
12:48I'm a mentor.
12:49I'm a theologian.
12:50And all of a sudden I hear from my wife,
12:53Honey, I don't get enough attention.
12:56There is no time!
12:59If your dog is barking at the back door,
13:01and your wife is yelling at the front door,
13:03Who do you let in first?
13:05The dog.
13:06Because he'll shut up once you let him in.
13:11Is that your wife right there?
13:12We're engaged.
13:13We're engaged.
13:14Oh, congratulations, man.
13:16I know she didn't pick that outfit.
13:19That's for sure.
13:22She hates these.
13:23She hates these?
13:24Yeah, because it makes you look like you hate black people.
13:30So, is this your first time dating a white guy?
13:32No.
13:33Oh, you're a connoisseur as well.
13:35Okay, I see why you guys work now.
13:40She likes picking cotton.
13:42That kind right there.
13:46As in white guys.
13:47She likes picking white guys, not the actual.
13:50You guys got the metaphor?
13:51You guys got?
13:52Alright, cool.
13:53Is there anything about white men that you particularly enjoy?
13:56Uh...
13:58That thing that they do?
13:59That thing that...
14:00What, have a good credit score?
14:02What is it?
14:05In the ring?
14:06Oh, shit.
14:07Yeah, that's white money.
14:08That's inheritance white money.
14:10Was this your first time with a black woman?
14:12Definitely not.
14:13Definitely not.
14:14Oh, okay.
14:15You'd just be on that tracker picking up the hoes, huh?
14:18So, black girls, tell me the truth, man.
14:23Why do you like black girls?
14:25Over, you know.
14:26Yeah, I...
14:27What's not to love?
14:28Exactly.
14:29Exactly.
14:30Yeah.
14:31Now, tell me the truth.
14:32Tell me.
14:33Y'all think power of pussy.
14:41Give that man a round of applause right there.
14:43That's right.
14:44Woo!
14:48Then, one more minute recognizable all the way.
14:50So, some people are in control.
14:51Well, it doesn't get quite a bit normal Luftwirk.
14:53I won't tell about anything in our house right there.
14:54That means, if you can try.
14:55Welcome back and see it.
14:57Which means a big traversing here.
14:58We're getting a gift with a world you get there.
14:59Let's see.
15:00Hey, we made you go through it.
15:02The adventures with me here?
15:03Hey!
15:05I guess we're coming up.
15:06To be near.
15:07It's when I saw you.
15:09Eventually, we had to pay you know where I was.
15:11ging the doors within barely.
15:12We know what you've dai boop
15:14I'll see you next time.
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