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00:04:55no i don't think i'm going to be coming back
00:04:58all right bye
00:05:16are you looking for your booze?
00:05:18shit! Bryce! Bryce!
00:05:20yes! wait are you saying my name or is that just the noise you make when you're all surprised?
00:05:24no i'm just saying your name
00:05:26oh hi
00:05:27i'm sorry i scared you
00:05:29but i was going to say if you are looking for your booze it's not there because i took it
00:05:33why?
00:05:34oh we were making mojitos and ran out of rum and your door wasn't that locked
00:05:39do you have any more?
00:05:40oh no no no no after my sex friend left me and zoe finished them
00:05:45you and the dog finished the mojitos
00:05:47yeah we shared it she can't use a straw
00:05:49clearly
00:05:50why do you like really need a drink?
00:05:53well you know i'm just at home in the middle of the day in my underwear because everything is awesome
00:05:58rock show dude i'm glad
00:06:00ok bye
00:06:02holy shit
00:06:04oh
00:06:05wine cooler
00:06:08wine cooler
00:06:10happy birthday neil it's your mother in case you didn't know
00:06:16uh... i hope you're having a wonderful day and that all of your dreams come true today
00:06:31uh... kisses baby
00:06:33kisses we love you
00:06:34i don't see what you're so upset about
00:06:36alan i walked in on you fucking my girlfriend
00:06:38was it really that bad?
00:06:39yes it was really that bad
00:06:40look i know christine means a lot to you but she means a lot to me too i can't... i you know what i don't care
00:06:45why are you naked right now?
00:06:46why are you naked right now?
00:06:47i don't know
00:06:48it's your dream
00:06:52christine
00:06:53oh my god neil
00:06:54what are you doing here?
00:06:55i'm sorry i knocked
00:06:56i came to get the rest of my stuff
00:06:58i can come back later
00:06:59no no no no no no no you came here to get your stuff i should be okay with that
00:07:02are you?
00:07:03could've given me a heads up first
00:07:04yeah i could have
00:07:05yeah
00:07:06i'm sorry
00:07:07you what are you doing here?
00:07:09mema hath
00:07:11chris
00:07:12yeah
00:07:13i don't know
00:07:15it's your dream
00:07:16christine
00:07:18oh my god neil
00:07:19what are you doing here?
00:07:20i'm sorry i knocked
00:07:22i came to get the rest of my stuff
00:07:23i can come back later
00:07:24no no no no
00:07:25no no
00:07:26you came here to get your stuff
00:07:27i should be okay with that
00:07:29are you?
00:07:30could've given me a heads up first
00:07:31I'm sorry.
00:07:33All right.
00:07:34So, what are you here to pick up?
00:07:36Well, I have to get the rest of my clothes from the bedroom.
00:07:38The plates in the kitchen, the towels.
00:07:41Oh, and I really want my autographed copy of Three Men and a Baby.
00:07:45Yeah, that's a big deal.
00:07:46Yeah, it is.
00:07:48Oh, you're serious?
00:07:50Yes.
00:07:51Okay.
00:07:52Well, I'll help you in any way that I can.
00:07:54You could put some pants on.
00:07:56Right.
00:07:57Let's do that.
00:07:58Put some pants on.
00:07:59Are you really going to keep that shirt?
00:08:06What's wrong with this shirt?
00:08:08You hate that shirt.
00:08:09I do not hate this shirt.
00:08:10Yeah, you do.
00:08:11I remember when your mom sent you the shirt.
00:08:13I believe your exact words were,
00:08:15Hey, look at this shitty shirt my mom sent me.
00:08:17Well, it is a shitty shirt.
00:08:20It is.
00:08:21Do you want it?
00:08:21Yes.
00:08:22Okay.
00:08:26Hey, what's this?
00:08:27What's what?
00:08:27No, no, no, no, no, no, don't open that.
00:08:30Don't.
00:08:34I've been meaning to return that.
00:08:36How long have you had this?
00:08:38A couple months.
00:08:39Neil, why didn't you?
00:08:42Walked in on you and Alan fucking.
00:08:49I'm sorry.
00:08:50I'm sorry.
00:08:50I can't.
00:08:51Why?
00:08:52Because I'm with someone else, Neil.
00:08:53That hasn't stopped you in the past.
00:08:55I'm going to go.
00:08:57That's probably a good idea.
00:09:01Christine.
00:09:02Neil, please don't make this any more awkward than it already is.
00:09:04Can I have the ring back?
00:09:05Thank you so much for stopping by.
00:09:13Thank you so much for stopping by.
00:09:16neil
00:09:38hey
00:09:38hey man
00:09:39hey
00:09:39happy birthday
00:09:40thanks
00:09:41where's your car
00:09:42um i walked
00:09:45wow that's bold
00:09:46where's christine
00:09:48really
00:09:50what
00:09:51apparently been broken up for a few months now
00:09:54really
00:09:55yes
00:09:57well you must have said something
00:09:59come on in man
00:10:00hey honey
00:10:01neil's here
00:10:02i'm not ready
00:10:03i'm not saying come down
00:10:04i'm just saying your brother's here
00:10:06well i'm not coming down
00:10:07i'm not asking you to
00:10:08what
00:10:09nothing
00:10:10where are the kids
00:10:12oh they're with their grandparents
00:10:13adults only tonight
00:10:15really
00:10:15yeah
00:10:16anything you want to do
00:10:17orgy
00:10:19anything within reason
00:10:21give me ten thousand dollars
00:10:23yeah
00:10:23no
00:10:25twenty thousand
00:10:25no
00:10:26look you said anything
00:10:28and i'm giving you three pretty good suggestions
00:10:30yeah none of them were good
00:10:31well comparatively the orgy would be good
00:10:33but that's that's still pretty bad
00:10:34because that would be sleeping with your sister
00:10:36no i don't want to have sex with my sister
00:10:38yeah no
00:10:38only i get to do that
00:10:39talking about me
00:10:41talking about having sex
00:10:43with me
00:10:44yeah having sex with you
00:10:45damn right you do
00:10:46and i love it
00:10:48fantastic
00:10:49yeah happy birthday bro
00:10:51yeah
00:10:51something for the party
00:10:52oh
00:10:54the chicken was great dear
00:11:03thank you
00:11:04is anyone else coming to this thing
00:11:08supposedly
00:11:10it's no big deal
00:11:12i mean just
00:11:13cooked this amazing meal
00:11:15and sent the kids away
00:11:16and spent the whole day cleaning the house
00:11:19but
00:11:19well
00:11:23the three of us are having a great time
00:11:26oh
00:11:29neil
00:11:31you know who i was thinking of
00:11:33no
00:11:33do you remember professor henry
00:11:36yeah
00:11:37that guy was nuts
00:11:39yeah
00:11:43happy birthday
00:11:49let's just clean up
00:11:50please
00:11:51okay
00:11:51so professor henry
00:11:54was this crazy old history professor
00:11:55that neil and i had
00:11:56he worked in the white house
00:11:57under kennedy
00:11:58anyway
00:11:58he was giving us this lecture once
00:12:00on kissinger
00:12:01and this girl
00:12:02raises her hand
00:12:03and asks him
00:12:03if he knew kissinger
00:12:04and he goes
00:12:05knew him
00:12:06i shat on his chest
00:12:07gross
00:12:10neil
00:12:16neil
00:12:16i'm like wow
00:12:24a fake heart
00:12:25holy shit
00:12:26are you getting ready to fuck your guitar
00:12:28yeah do you want us to come back another time
00:12:30thanks for coming to my birthday party
00:12:32was that tonight
00:12:33yes
00:12:34you sure
00:12:35guys
00:12:35i just sat there with my sister and darren
00:12:38nobody showed up
00:12:39nope
00:12:39seriously though
00:12:41what's with the underwear
00:12:41kristine came over
00:12:44holy shit
00:12:45she found the engagement ring
00:12:46holy shit
00:12:47oh and i quit my job
00:12:49great
00:12:49holy shit
00:12:50can you please stop doing that
00:12:51what happened with kristine
00:12:52she kissed me
00:12:54so you guys are back together
00:12:55no she said she didn't want to cheat
00:12:57wait she cheated
00:12:58yes
00:12:58and then i left jillian's house
00:13:00because no one came to my birthday party
00:13:03yeah i'd hate that
00:13:04and so i'm in my underwear
00:13:06hey you're out of beer
00:13:07make yourself at home barry
00:13:09great
00:13:10okay so you could probably use a little cheering up
00:13:13from the two guys who can't even make it to my party
00:13:15hey can i can i drink this
00:13:16yeah sure
00:13:17well we have the greatest birthday gift for you
00:13:20yeah look just bear with us
00:13:22because what we're going to tell you is going to sound crazy at first
00:13:24but trust me
00:13:24it is genius
00:13:26if i said no would it make a difference
00:13:27no
00:13:28we're going to get you back into the dating game
00:13:30oh come on
00:13:31no no just listen
00:13:32what i have in mind will almost assuredly get you laid
00:13:36and at the very least
00:13:37will get you a handy
00:13:38a hand job
00:13:39really
00:13:40do people still do that
00:13:42yes
00:13:43just fucking show them barry
00:13:45a hand drum
00:13:46no the thing
00:13:47oh yeah check this out
00:13:49internet date
00:13:53really
00:13:54shut the fuck up please
00:13:55and trust me
00:13:56oh i get it
00:14:01casual encounters
00:14:02great
00:14:02better
00:14:03casual encounters is where desperate people who are looking to get laid go to meet up
00:14:07there's two desperate people having meaningless sex
00:14:09i mean where's the fun in that
00:14:11do i really need to tell you
00:14:12no no no
00:14:13i have something better
00:14:14missed connections
00:14:16see these people are beyond desperate
00:14:21they're so obsessed with the idea of making any sort of human connection
00:14:25that they put all their faith in destiny
00:14:27and they post an ad on the internet
00:14:29like this
00:14:30we were driving northbound on the five
00:14:33i was in a black pickup
00:14:35you were in a red hybrid
00:14:36you caught my eye
00:14:37i hope to hear from you
00:14:39you see
00:14:40no
00:14:42dude
00:14:43this girl was so turned on
00:14:44so aroused by even the sight of this fucking guy
00:14:47that she goes to a website where people sell used couches
00:14:51on the off chance that the same guy is going to see that same website and write her back
00:14:55and she's got to know that the odds of that are a million to one
00:14:59but
00:15:00what if he actually did write her back
00:15:03she'd probably go insane
00:15:05yeah
00:15:05she probably would
00:15:07so you're going to write her back
00:15:11what but i'm not the guy
00:15:14you're not the guy
00:15:15here's the beauty part
00:15:16you don't have to be
00:15:17you write her back as the guy
00:15:19you tell her to meet you somewhere
00:15:20that guy's not going to show up
00:15:22you go
00:15:24and you watch
00:15:24as her disappointment grows
00:15:27and as she's at her most vulnerable
00:15:29her most exposed
00:15:31you walk over to her
00:15:33and you say
00:15:33hey
00:15:34what's wrong
00:15:35as her new knight in shining armor
00:15:37and she's going to take all that emotion
00:15:39all that anticipation
00:15:40she's going to transfer it into you
00:15:43oh
00:15:44i know
00:15:45it's crazy right
00:15:46i mean
00:15:47when girls are at their absolute lowest point
00:15:49they will fuck you
00:15:50that's just science
00:15:51wow
00:15:52does this actually work
00:15:54i have no idea
00:15:55we're going to find out
00:15:56wait
00:15:56so you haven't done it
00:15:57well no
00:15:57but i mean
00:15:58you know
00:15:58it seems like it would work right
00:16:00i don't know guys
00:16:02i mean this sounds really great in theory
00:16:04but i don't know if i could actually do this
00:16:05but we thought you might say that
00:16:06so we already set one up for you
00:16:07what
00:16:08we gotta be there in like 10 minutes
00:16:09no no guys
00:16:10i don't know anything about this person
00:16:11there's nothing you need to know
00:16:12except she saw some guy in a prius
00:16:13and she wants to fuck
00:16:14she doesn't want to fuck
00:16:16girls looking for nice guys
00:16:17don't post ads on the internet
00:16:18we'll take your car
00:16:21can't
00:16:21i left it at work
00:16:23why
00:16:23reminds me of christine
00:16:25wow
00:16:26we need to leave right now
00:16:27okay look
00:16:28just get dressed
00:16:28we'll go down there and check it out
00:16:29if you don't like her
00:16:30you don't even have to talk to her
00:16:31no
00:16:31no you have to talk to her
00:16:33listen
00:16:33how much more pathetic can your day get
00:16:36i could embarrass myself
00:16:37in front of some random severely disappointed girl from the internet
00:16:41this is so stupid
00:16:44just relax
00:16:45it's gonna work
00:16:46how do we even know which one is her
00:16:48there's like 10 or 11 girls here
00:16:49that's her
00:16:50how do you know
00:16:53um
00:16:54let's see number one
00:16:55she reeks of desperation
00:16:57number two
00:16:58she's scanning around the room every five seconds
00:17:00looking for somebody
00:17:01three
00:17:02she's milking that drink
00:17:03she doesn't want to order a second drink
00:17:05because she knows that one drink by yourself in a bar
00:17:07that's okay
00:17:08two drinks
00:17:09now you're pushing on lush or alcoholic
00:17:11four
00:17:12she's checking the time constantly
00:17:14she's thinking
00:17:14he's not that late
00:17:16but he is
00:17:17five
00:17:18is there a five
00:17:21there's no five
00:17:22okay
00:17:22so what i just
00:17:24i just go over
00:17:25not yet
00:17:26you gotta wait man
00:17:27you gotta wait until she's
00:17:28just about to leave
00:17:30you know
00:17:30until she gets to that point where she's like
00:17:31this is a terrible idea
00:17:33i mean i don't know why i'm doing this
00:17:34i feel silly
00:17:35that's when you go over
00:17:37trust in this
00:17:38trust in this
00:17:41yeah
00:17:42george you have a girlfriend
00:17:44i know i don't get to do cool stuff like this anymore
00:17:46okay please
00:17:47i need this
00:17:49shit shit
00:17:50this is it she's leaving
00:17:51what now
00:17:51go yes
00:17:52i don't even know what to say
00:17:54just go up to her and say uh
00:17:55giving up huh
00:17:57that's it
00:17:57oh you also have to say um hey
00:17:59if i was him
00:18:00i wouldn't have stood you up
00:18:01cause i'm cool
00:18:02don't say the cool part
00:18:03guys i can't
00:18:05i can't do this
00:18:06this is crazy
00:18:07you need some motivation
00:18:07picture christine and alan
00:18:09just twisted
00:18:10sitting in each other's faces
00:18:11assholes in mouths
00:18:13fingers in ears
00:18:15god knows where their feet are
00:18:16all kinds of weird
00:18:17oiled up shit
00:18:18picture that
00:18:19smells
00:18:19go
00:18:20why would that motivate me
00:18:21just go
00:18:22go go go
00:18:23okay okay okay okay okay okay
00:18:24okay
00:18:25okay
00:18:26giving up
00:18:36what
00:18:37what
00:18:37did you say something
00:18:39i don't
00:18:40i don't think so
00:18:41it sounded like you said
00:18:44giving up
00:18:45oh
00:18:46oh
00:18:46yeah um
00:18:48uh
00:18:49i was just asking you if you were giving up
00:18:52what's that supposed to mean
00:18:54nothing just forget i said it
00:18:56thanks
00:18:56how could you tell that
00:18:59what
00:18:59how could you tell that i was giving up
00:19:02well
00:19:03i don't
00:19:03i don't mean to intrude
00:19:05but um
00:19:05you're sitting here and you're
00:19:07you're kind of playing with your drink
00:19:09and you're looking around a lot
00:19:11and you're dressed really nice
00:19:13so i just you know figured you were you know
00:19:15here to meet someone
00:19:15i guess it is pretty obvious
00:19:18it's it's not that bad
00:19:20thanks
00:19:21look um
00:19:29for what it's worth
00:19:31if if i was that guy i wouldn't have stood you up
00:19:33okay i'm gonna go
00:19:37you
00:19:38you keep up
00:19:39hold on
00:19:40have a drink with me
00:19:43seriously
00:19:44yeah
00:19:45okay
00:19:47i'm danielle
00:19:51oh i'm neil
00:19:52it's nice to meet you
00:19:54it's nice to meet you
00:19:55what brings you out tonight neil
00:20:00um
00:20:02it's
00:20:03it's my birthday
00:20:04really
00:20:05yeah
00:20:06well happy birthday
00:20:08oh thank you
00:20:08so did you get anything nice today
00:20:11um
00:20:12well
00:20:13i
00:20:14i think i'm talking to her
00:20:16wow
00:20:18i'm sorry
00:20:19that's
00:20:20really stupid
00:20:21you're sweet
00:20:23oh well
00:20:24if you think my stupid is sweet
00:20:26i got a boatload of stupid for you
00:20:28such as
00:20:28um can i borrow your phone
00:20:30why
00:20:30so i can call my mother and tell her i met the girl of my dreams
00:20:33um uh if i could rearrange the alphabet i'd put you and i together
00:20:39very stupid
00:20:41yeah
00:20:41is that a mirror in your pants because i can see myself in them
00:20:44you know i'm sorry
00:20:48you know i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i gotta take this i told my friend to call me and make sure i wasn't in a basement somewhere with a rapist
00:21:01well
00:21:02well the night's still young
00:21:03you should probably take that call
00:21:05okay
00:21:06holy shit i cannot believe this is working
00:21:11who said this is working
00:21:12it looks like it's going great
00:21:13i have no idea
00:21:14i told you this would work dude
00:21:15dude i can't keep this up i'm flying blind up here
00:21:17well we're gonna have to because here she comes
00:21:19can i stay
00:21:20no get out of here
00:21:21you're glowing
00:21:21get out of here
00:21:22who are those guys
00:21:25i have no idea
00:21:26um listen
00:21:28it's pretty loud in here
00:21:30how would you feel about getting that drink someplace a little quieter
00:21:33yeah sure where were you thinking
00:21:35how'd it go
00:21:42holy shit
00:21:43we want details
00:21:44did you guys sleep here
00:21:46yeah
00:21:46why
00:21:47we were too excited
00:21:49yeah we wanted to hear how it went and please
00:21:50be very specific
00:21:52why did you move my furniture
00:21:54stop stalling
00:21:56okay i guess i can look past the fact that you guys broke into my house last night and
00:22:00slept here and just say that it was awesome
00:22:03yes
00:22:04what
00:22:05i barely had to even say anything before she knows she's asked me back to her place for a drink
00:22:08and then when we get there it's like she couldn't even get the door closed fast enough
00:22:11i had never been with a woman who had so much pent-up energy she literally said let me do all the work
00:22:19the only weird thing was that she insisted that the dolphin stays on the bed
00:22:27wait a dolphin like a stuffed animal
00:22:31he likes to walk
00:22:33i like that it's just weird enough to be sexy
00:22:50i was able to look past that though because the sex was amazing
00:22:54happy birthday my man
00:22:57thank you guys
00:22:58don't mention it
00:22:59so uh what's the plan for today
00:23:05don't you have work
00:23:08yeah
00:23:09shouldn't you go
00:23:11what are you gonna do
00:23:13i don't know
00:23:14probably should start the confirmed new job
00:23:16good because we lined up another girl for you
00:23:18what
00:23:18yeah we figured it went well last night because he didn't come home
00:23:20yeah but
00:23:21and we also figured since you have no job and you have no girlfriend
00:23:24you probably just sit around here all day in your underwear thinking about how miserable you are
00:23:27and we're getting a little tired of you acting miserable all the time
00:23:30so we got a new girl for you to fuck
00:23:31because we love you
00:23:33last night was really great but it was a fluke
00:23:36you're a fluke
00:23:37that's not an insult
00:23:38guys let's be honest
00:23:40i got lucky
00:23:41okay here comes captain miserable again
00:23:43it's not gonna work every time
00:23:45well prove that to us
00:23:47just go to work and let me enjoy my day
00:23:49no come on big boy show us
00:23:51show us it was a fluke
00:23:52will you leave me alone if i'm right
00:23:53yep
00:23:55okay then
00:23:57all right
00:23:58saw you at culver city park
00:24:00you had the cutest little dog
00:24:02and i was sipping coffee by that big tree
00:24:04did you see me
00:24:05okay
00:24:06so we know she likes dogs
00:24:07we thought maybe you knew somebody who had one
00:24:10i do but he is the craziest person i know
00:24:13good we're taking it where is he
00:24:14he's next door
00:24:15let's go
00:24:15what do you guys want her for
00:24:18just give us the fucking dog brides
00:24:19let's just go
00:24:20no we're gonna have the dog for maybe an hour or two
00:24:23we'll bring her right back
00:24:24thing's gotta walk or something right
00:24:26okay hey whoa
00:24:27slow down fella
00:24:29it's not a it
00:24:30it's a zoe dog
00:24:32that's the kind of dog that's name is always my dog
00:24:35second of all i take over three walks a day and one of them is a dinner walk
00:24:40give us the dog
00:24:41well just tell me what you guys are doing
00:24:43fuck
00:24:44fine
00:24:45we need the dog so neil can get laid by manipulating some girl we met on the internet
00:24:49huh
00:24:51okay
00:24:53okay
00:24:53okay you can have the dog but i want in
00:24:55no
00:24:56bryce you cannot fucking join them neil's not gonna have a three-way with some dude
00:25:00oh no no
00:25:01no i don't want that
00:25:03i mean i want you to teach me how you internet the girls
00:25:08well i mean it doesn't really for sure
00:25:10what you know it's sold
00:25:10what
00:25:11yeah
00:25:11okay
00:25:12bye zoe have fun sweetheart
00:25:14oh sometimes she likes to pretend she's a horse
00:25:16but don't let her take it too seriously i don't want her to think she is a horse
00:25:19this is a bad idea
00:25:20she said by the picnic table she's not by the picnic table
00:25:34she's reading a book does someone waiting for someone read a book
00:25:37dude that is the only girl in this entire park that has to be her
00:25:42oh my god she's practically begging for it
00:25:45george when was the last time you and your girlfriend had sex
00:25:47what month is it
00:25:49stop stalling go talk to her
00:25:52okay i will go and you guys will see that last night was just luck and we can go home
00:25:57okay that'll be fun for us to see that
00:26:00giving up
00:26:10excuse me
00:26:12giving up you seem like you were waiting for someone and they don't seem to be coming
00:26:16so i was asking if you were giving up
00:26:18oh i'm not i'm not waiting for anyone i'm sorry
00:26:21you're not
00:26:23i think i'd remember something like that
00:26:25yeah yeah that's that's what i thought
00:26:28okay i'm just reading and enjoying the weather
00:26:32are you waiting for someone
00:26:34oh no no i'm not
00:26:36you sure
00:26:37yeah yeah i'm just we're walking my dog
00:26:40yeah
00:26:40she's a pretty dog
00:26:42yeah she is yeah i groom her myself
00:26:45is that true
00:26:46no that's not i don't know why i said that
00:26:49i don't know why i said that
00:26:51you lie a lot
00:26:52anyway i'm gonna go um sorry for bothering you
00:26:58you're not bothering me
00:26:59actually this book is not as good as i remember
00:27:02oh little woman
00:27:03all right you know maybe i'll uh maybe i'll see you
00:27:06at the park here again i i walk her here all the time
00:27:08so you do because i i come here a lot
00:27:12and i've never seen you here
00:27:14again no i don't know why i keep doing that
00:27:17i don't walk her here all the time
00:27:19you must make me nervous or something
00:27:21okay bye
00:27:25how'd you fuck it up
00:27:32she wasn't waiting for anyone
00:27:34she's the only one here
00:27:35it has to be her
00:27:36there's no other explanation
00:27:38how about last night was a fluke
00:27:39okay
00:27:40well come on i'll buy the first round
00:27:42you know what sounds good right now
00:27:44with a mai tai
00:27:44hi i drink mai tais
00:27:47and i don't sleep with my girlfriend
00:27:48who am i
00:27:49i'm you
00:27:50no he lives in total smaller
00:27:55but the weird thing is that bryce is like really rich
00:27:58neil
00:27:58what are you doing home
00:28:01he still lives here
00:28:02remember
00:28:03shouldn't you be at work
00:28:05i quit
00:28:06you did why
00:28:08i just didn't want to go anymore
00:28:10well i only came in because i didn't see your car out front
00:28:13oh i left that at work
00:28:14why
00:28:16just didn't want to drive it anymore
00:28:18well i just came to get my stuff
00:28:22yeah i figured
00:28:22did you find my three men and a baby
00:28:25no
00:28:26do you want to look
00:28:28you seem busy i mean
00:28:32barry and george are here
00:28:34don't mind us
00:28:35yeah
00:28:35we'll be quiet as mice
00:28:37not gonna say anything
00:28:38uh-uh
00:28:38yeah i think i'm gonna try again later
00:28:40all right
00:28:41suit yourself
00:28:42oh can i
00:28:46you can absolutely take those i don't want them
00:28:48take them
00:28:49thank you
00:28:50uh christine
00:28:53yep
00:28:53maybe call next time
00:28:55i will
00:28:56great
00:28:57how is that for you
00:29:01because for me my heart is racing right now
00:29:04what is with her and the three men and a baby thing
00:29:07it's signed by the entire cast
00:29:09even gutenberg
00:29:10yeah
00:29:11oh
00:29:12all right
00:29:13hey
00:29:14i have an idea
00:29:16giving up
00:29:25what
00:29:27oh i thought you were waiting for someone so i was just asking if you were giving up
00:29:31how would you know that
00:29:32well not to sound weird but i've been here for a little bit and i've noticed you checking your watch and looking around
00:29:39yeah i'm meeting a friend
00:29:40oh i'm sorry
00:29:42just so you know
00:29:46if it was me i wouldn't have kept you waiting
00:29:49wait
00:29:52was that that obvious
00:29:57i mean you're the prettiest girl in this bar i mean how could i not notice you
00:30:01thank you
00:30:04um would you do you like to sit down
00:30:08yes
00:30:09i'm michelle
00:30:13neil
00:30:14oh my place might be a little bit of a mess
00:30:17no i won't hold it against you
00:30:19oh thank you
00:30:19no i it's really great can i make a suggestion though
00:30:23sure
00:30:23can you do more of this
00:30:25oh you could tell that i did that
00:30:28oh yeah i mean it hits your eyes right when you walk in i mean of course you're showing it off
00:30:32you know i mean how could you not be proud of this
00:30:34no i am i am it's just that most people don't even notice it
00:30:37yeah well those people are dense i mean the amount of detail you put just in the musculature
00:30:40oh
00:30:41oh
00:30:41hold back hold back
00:30:44okay
00:30:44neil you came back to the party you're a little late
00:30:58can darren come outside and play do you think i find that funny
00:31:02yeah
00:31:02okay you walked out in the middle of a party that we threw for you
00:31:05we sent the kids out
00:31:07do you know how important a night away from the kids is
00:31:08no
00:31:09no you wouldn't know
00:31:10because you don't have kids
00:31:11you don't have a girlfriend
00:31:12you don't have a job
00:31:14can i just talk to the dinner room please
00:31:15i'm not done yet
00:31:15apparently you don't have a car
00:31:17neil
00:31:17hey man how you doing we missed you where'd you go
00:31:20it's a long story i just came over to apologize
00:31:22well get in here we didn't get a chance to give you your present
00:31:24oh
00:31:25yeah we also have three day old cake you want some of that
00:31:27i would love some
00:31:27i'd love some of that cake
00:31:29thank you sis
00:31:29and before i know it we're doing it on our coffee table
00:31:34that is easily the coolest thing i've ever heard in my life
00:31:37what about your kid's first word
00:31:39no
00:31:39does it work every time
00:31:42i've only done it three times and one time the girl didn't show up
00:31:46i gotta tell jillian about this
00:31:47no
00:31:47why
00:31:48she's my sister i don't want you talking to my sister about me having sex that's weird
00:31:52she doesn't talk to you about me and her having sex
00:31:54no she doesn't
00:31:55what are you saying about me neil
00:31:56he didn't say anything about you
00:31:57i gotta try this
00:31:59i'm just kidding jillian would turn my balls into a magic trick
00:32:02did you say my name honey
00:32:04no
00:32:04this is really good cake
00:32:06go fuck yourself
00:32:07are you gonna let her talk to me like that
00:32:08yeah
00:32:09yeah that's why i love him
00:32:11that's great
00:32:12so there's something about a present
00:32:14oh yeah
00:32:15thanks
00:32:18it's a mole skin
00:32:20because you're always talking about doing more writing so i thought you'd enjoy that
00:32:23wow this is
00:32:24wow this is
00:32:25this is actually really cool thanks
00:32:27yeah we figured since you weren't working right now
00:32:29thanks
00:32:30yeah
00:32:31anyway i gotta go but
00:32:32thanks for the cake
00:32:34oh it's my pleasure
00:32:35oh
00:32:36i have an appointment
00:32:37for sex
00:32:38do you want it we have time for the kids come home now to be able to leave
00:32:41oh uh
00:32:43yeah yeah let's do it
00:32:45oh i gotta throw out
00:32:47the girl from the park
00:33:08hey thanks for letting me use your shower
00:33:34ugh again with you
00:33:36why are you always in my dreams
00:33:37you tell me pal
00:33:38well at least you're not naked
00:33:39and there it is
00:33:41look
00:33:41i want you to know how bad i feel about the whole
00:33:44just save it
00:33:45i don't want to hear it right now
00:33:49okay
00:33:50let me get this straight
00:33:52you're bummed because
00:33:54you've been stood up by a girl
00:33:56that you were going to trick into thinking that she'd been stood up
00:33:59it's not that
00:34:00you're thinking about the girl in the blue shoes right now aren't you
00:34:04it was her at the beach right
00:34:06i don't know
00:34:06but it's time for you to
00:34:08god damn it
00:34:14what do you want perry where are you i'm at the laundromat oh okay great you're out of underwear
00:34:32you're wearing my underwear when are you coming home what difference does it make we're bored
00:34:37hey do you mind if we start a small fire in your apartment
00:34:41price oh my god that's huge
00:34:43i gotta go
00:34:43i gotta go
00:34:43i said small
00:34:45has the book got any better
00:34:56uh
00:34:57uh
00:34:59the book
00:34:59the book the little woman
00:35:00yes i'm i am reading this book do you not remember me from the park
00:35:07um you can get that because i'm gonna
00:35:10no no no i remember i was asking you if you were waiting for someone i had my dog with me
00:35:17the one you groom yourself
00:35:18yes the one i grew myself yes very funny
00:35:22hey were you at the beach yesterday i think i saw you
00:35:26no no i wish i was working oh well i guess i must have been seeing things unless you have a twin sister do a twin sister no i don't have a twin sister do you have any sisters no feminine brothers like to dress up like you no so you're an only child wow do you want to see my tax returns i get it too far
00:35:43all right i don't even know you i'm neil by the way i'm jane are you sure yeah i'm pretty sure my name is jane okay um do you want if i sit down well i'm gonna be leaving oh okay so has the book got any better not really why do you keep reading it well i have a thing about finishing things that i start which usually means that i stay with them too long so yeah
00:36:09are you sure you were at the beach yesterday yeah i'm sure i saw those blue shoes the same blue shoes that you were wearing at the park
00:36:18you have a foot fetish what no i don't even own blue shoes i don't even like the color
00:36:23oh those are my clothes okay it was a nice talking name where you're leaving uh yeah my laundry's done i don't usually hang out in laundromats
00:36:31hey shopping is done you ready to go yes i'm ready
00:36:35jane if i could just well well well who is this this is neil hello neil i'm cassandra her roommate
00:36:43oh nice to meet you oh it's nice to meet you too how old are you neil 32 did you go to college yes grad school
00:36:49yes what'd you study creative writing oh you have a girlfriend neil no when was your last relationship
00:36:55whoa i know it's good answer the question it ended three months ago did you dump her no you cheated on her
00:37:01she cheated you have a job neil in between times are tough yeah you exercise try to sense of humor
00:37:07oh my god where did you find this guy he was sticking to the lint screen you have to get back to that
00:37:17right looks like i'm done great you can come join us we were just about to get an afternoon cocktail
00:37:23cassandra what were we not just about to go do that yeah but neil's practically a stranger a very
00:37:30busy stranger i literally have nothing to do all day oh great then you can come join us we're just
00:37:35going to a place right around the corner oh i would love to come yeah where did you park oh i walked
00:37:39here i lived just down the block so that means we're all neighbors that is very convenient
00:37:44you want to uh throw your clothes in my cart oh well don't mind if i do my lady yeah he's fun
00:37:50did you hear that he's fun okay i'm gonna have one drink yeah right that girl is a lush
00:37:56i am no such thing i am probably drunk right now yeah
00:38:00oh right here
00:38:07it's a really cool place
00:38:11nice blue shoes thanks yeah this lady has a pair just like them but they are way too big for my
00:38:19tiny little feet oh is that right lots of people have blue shoes neil yeah but how many who look
00:38:25exactly like you okay about that drink we don't want to keep neil all day yeah you're not keeping
00:38:31me from anything well there really must be something that we're keeping you from i have absolutely
00:38:35nowhere to be but right here yay that's great yay so what's your story neil oh so now you want to know
00:38:43something about me yeah i mean who is neil let's see um born grew up middle class college los angeles
00:38:54here that's it i mean i'm sure there's some stuff in between but i don't really remember
00:38:59you uh about the same born grew up parents divorce two christmases yay uh college los angeles
00:39:09here mine just goes born here two steps yeah sounds about right so um what should we drink to
00:39:19clowns here's two a long life and a merry one a quick death and an easy one a pretty girl
00:39:26and an honest one a cold pint and another one huzzah yes all right now that the pleasantries are out of
00:39:37of the way what's next
00:39:50you never get that taste out of your mouth you never get the paw print out of the house now
00:40:02and you can't go back same way you can round all the pieces up but they just don't get the same
00:40:10white knuckles
00:40:13maybe it's not so bad
00:40:17so let your head down now
00:40:19hello my name is margaret sometimes as an actor you will find yourself striking during a scene
00:40:30i know it's really good your accent's amazing oh my father's from london so my father's from london
00:40:40you don't say i have dual citizenship so do i
00:40:48i'm sorry i uh i don't know where that came from and then i apologize
00:41:00it was you on the beach yesterday
00:41:05no you little liar don't turn it on me you're the liar
00:41:12wait i'm sorry how am i the liar because you've been lying to women on the internet neil
00:41:19what you've been responding to miss connections ads
00:41:22what yeah you've been lying to women online
00:41:27no i don't know i don't know what you're talking about
00:41:29i was your missed connection on the beach yesterday
00:41:31i knew it was you god why did you run away when i was trying to talk to you yesterday
00:41:40because it was the second fake ad that you responded to
00:41:43second you were my missed connection at the park too
00:41:52yep
00:41:57i'm sorry why would you post a fake ad what do you possibly get out of that
00:42:02what do you get out of lying to women what do you do when they realize that you're not the guy
00:42:06that they were hoping to see i don't pretend to be anything that i'm not i just sit around
00:42:10and you know wait wait you don't pretend to be the guy no
00:42:18and like a knight in shining armor yeah
00:42:29so wait you gave a fake response to my fake ad
00:42:33hoping that you would use my vulnerability to sleep with me
00:42:36you never answered my question what do i get out of it yeah
00:42:45i think this conversation's over
00:42:51wait no i'm sorry i just confided a lot into you and i think i deserve a little bit of an
00:42:56so we're back to this yeah okay okay
00:43:05i'm having all my time
00:43:06oh i feel like the room's spinning it's definitely
00:43:09hold on all right you just want to yes just close my eyes for a second it's so spinning
00:43:15i'll just give him a cuss okay
00:43:29F***
00:43:39Shane?
00:43:52No, that's totally not for me
00:43:59I should probably go
00:44:03Morning, go fuck yourself
00:44:11See honey, it's like I always say, no hesitation
00:44:13I love you
00:44:24Welcome home
00:44:25For fuck's sake, do you guys not pay rent somewhere?
00:44:28I do, but my place is kind of a dump
00:44:30Plus you have cable
00:44:31Oh, uh, my girlfriend's out of town for the weekend
00:44:34And I don't know how to be alone anymore
00:44:36So
00:44:36Bryce?
00:44:38I live next door
00:44:39That's terrific
00:44:40There's a new painting on the wall that wasn't here when I left
00:44:43Yeah, this clown is in my top five clowns
00:44:46Okay
00:44:47Uh, there's a grill here in the living room
00:44:49It's off now
00:44:50Yeah, but it's still probably a fire hazard
00:44:52Not anymore
00:44:53Anymore?
00:44:54Well, when it was on, it was dangerous as hell
00:44:55That's great
00:44:56Also, thanks for all those phone calls yesterday afternoon
00:44:59I appreciated that
00:44:59Yeah, well, you ran out of beer
00:45:00I was gonna see if you could pick some up
00:45:02Just go get it yourself
00:45:03I did
00:45:03Thank you
00:45:06So where you been?
00:45:08I ran into the girl with the blue shoes
00:45:10Really?
00:45:11I spent the night with her?
00:45:13Oh
00:45:13Really?
00:45:14It was a little weird
00:45:15Oh
00:45:16Did she get freaky?
00:45:16Here we go
00:45:17What, she tried to like dress you up
00:45:19And like do you with a strap on
00:45:20Or
00:45:21Was there a swing?
00:45:22Sex swing?
00:45:22Or a bit
00:45:22Videotape
00:45:23She wanted to tape it
00:45:24Naughty
00:45:25That's all
00:45:25Wait, no
00:45:25Was it something really specific?
00:45:27Like, oh, you can't breathe while we're doing it
00:45:29Or
00:45:29Or
00:45:29Did she try and strap you down to an apparatus of some sort?
00:45:32Or like
00:45:32Go second knuckle on you
00:45:34Or try and bite you on the dick?
00:45:35Are you done?
00:45:35No
00:45:36She was a furry
00:45:37She's one of those furries
00:45:38And you had to like dress up in rabbit costumes
00:45:40And like there's holes in the costumes
00:45:41You had to hump through
00:45:42Or
00:45:42Did she try to shit on you?
00:45:45Are you done?
00:45:46Yeah, I'm probably done
00:45:47Yeah
00:45:47I don't mean weird sexually
00:45:49I just mean
00:45:49It just wasn't what I expected
00:45:51In a good way or a bad way?
00:45:53It wasn't her house
00:45:54And
00:45:54Now I'm interested
00:45:55Yeah, so
00:45:56I wake up
00:45:57And she's gone
00:45:58So then I get up and go to look for her
00:46:00And it wasn't her apartment
00:46:00Wait
00:46:01What do you mean it wasn't her apartment?
00:46:03Say those last four words again
00:46:05It wasn't her apartment
00:46:06That's what I mean
00:46:07Did you fuck her or not?
00:46:09I don't think so
00:46:10I'm pretty sure we passed out before we could
00:46:12Bryce
00:46:15What is the problem then?
00:46:17The problem is that she posted a fake ad
00:46:19What, what?
00:46:20Say those last four words again
00:46:21Uh, fuck you
00:46:22So
00:46:23So wait a minute
00:46:23You
00:46:25Posted a fake response
00:46:26To a fake ad?
00:46:28Yeah, but she's not doing it to get laid
00:46:30In fact
00:46:30I don't think she even talks to the guys that show up
00:46:33That's fucking sick
00:46:34I know
00:46:35I want to meet this woman
00:46:36Ooh, yeah
00:46:37I can drive
00:46:37I'll drive us right now
00:46:38Go
00:46:38You're okay
00:46:39You're okay
00:46:39You're okay
00:46:39All right
00:46:40So wait a minute, wait a minute
00:46:42The two people that are lying about missed connections
00:46:44Actually met up
00:46:45Yeah
00:46:46Well, that's serendipitous
00:46:47I know, right?
00:46:48Yeah
00:46:48I don't see that
00:46:49No, it is
00:46:49Okay
00:46:50Okay
00:46:50Good
00:46:51I mean
00:46:51Fine
00:46:52Wow
00:46:52What's happening?
00:46:53No one knows
00:46:54Yeah
00:46:54It's a mystery
00:46:55But seriously
00:46:56I did
00:46:56You gotta go back to fucking random women
00:46:59Oh, yeah, absolutely
00:47:06Oh, yeah, absolutely
00:47:06Okay
00:47:06Oh, good
00:47:06Yay
00:47:07Good, because I have the perfect woman for you
00:47:09Have you now?
00:47:11I never do this, but I saw a very good-looking tall man today at the supermarket on Colorado Boulevard
00:47:16If this is you
00:47:17And you're single and possibly interested
00:47:19Feel free to email me back
00:47:21I mean, she's practically begging for it
00:47:23I'll take care
00:47:24No, you're in training
00:47:25Hand down
00:47:26Thank you, sir
00:47:27You're very much welcome
00:47:28Oh, why, thank you
00:47:29Why, thank you
00:47:30Oh, indeed
00:47:30Indeed
00:47:31Indeed
00:47:32Indeed
00:47:32Okay, okay, okay
00:47:33Are we done?
00:47:34Yeah, that was weird
00:47:35Jane!
00:47:55Yes
00:47:59What are you doing here?
00:48:01It's a seafood restaurant, Neil
00:48:03I'm eating
00:48:03Seafood
00:48:05You're my misconnection, aren't you?
00:48:08I'll take that
00:48:09As a yes
00:48:11So what happened last night?
00:48:14You don't remember?
00:48:15No, I remember
00:48:15Where were we?
00:48:17Whose place was that?
00:48:19Oh, I didn't mention I was house-sitting?
00:48:21No
00:48:21I'm house-sitting
00:48:22Great
00:48:23Why weren't you there when I woke up?
00:48:26Oh, I'm sorry
00:48:27Were you led to believe that one thing was going to happen
00:48:29And then something else happened?
00:48:30You know, like you do
00:48:32These women expect to meet a guy
00:48:34And they do
00:48:35They don't expect to just meet some guy
00:48:38And hook up
00:48:39Do you even call them again?
00:48:41No
00:48:42Not yet
00:48:43That's fantastic
00:48:44Neil, you seem like a nice guy
00:48:46What you're doing is more than a little douchey
00:48:49You're a bad guy now
00:48:51Hmm?
00:48:53Yeah, well, you lie too
00:48:54Yeah, but I'm not looking to get rewarded for it
00:48:57Hey, Neil
00:48:58You're late
00:48:59I was just saying
00:49:01What a great time we had with you last night
00:49:03Yeah, I had a great time last night too
00:49:04But Jane here thinks I'm a bad guy
00:49:06Am I a bad guy?
00:49:07Okay, you guys need to leave me out of this
00:49:09Alright, I'm done
00:49:10I'm done
00:49:11Done
00:49:11Sorry, Neil
00:49:14Hey
00:49:21Hey, you're right, you know
00:49:23He really is a bad guy
00:49:26He's such a bad guy
00:49:28I know
00:49:28You should have known
00:49:29By his thin mustache
00:49:31And ambiguously European accent
00:49:34His weird obsession with hairless cats
00:49:36Always detailing how he's gonna kill you
00:49:38Before he actually kills you
00:49:40I don't understand that
00:49:41Like, we're there
00:49:41Just kill us already
00:49:43I know, right?
00:49:44So, Neil was your misconnection again, wasn't he?
00:49:48Aha
00:49:49I see you used a European thin mustache cat lover
00:49:52To trap me into this
00:49:53Yeah, I am really good like that
00:49:55Yes, he was
00:49:57My misconnection again
00:49:59It's pretty serendipitous
00:50:01Not really
00:50:02He lies to a lot of women
00:50:05You lie to a lot of men
00:50:06It's not the same thing
00:50:08Anyway, you're not supposed to worry about this
00:50:11Oh, yeah, I know
00:50:12I'm aware
00:50:13Hey, remember when I promised you
00:50:15That I would not ask
00:50:16Why you were setting up fake ads
00:50:18And kind of going batshit crazy?
00:50:20Yeah
00:50:20Why are you setting up those ads
00:50:21And going batshit crazy?
00:50:22None of your business
00:50:23Can I take a guess?
00:50:24No
00:50:24Too late
00:50:25I think that you are doing this
00:50:26To see if men are capable of being hurt
00:50:30Like you were
00:50:31Okay
00:50:33Alright, so you set up these like vague ads
00:50:35And you sit there
00:50:37And you watch these men
00:50:38And you see if they're able to be hurt
00:50:40Or affected
00:50:41By this potential new love
00:50:43That just never shows up
00:50:44Yeah
00:50:45I knew it
00:50:46I knew it
00:50:47I thought I knew
00:50:48I wasn't really sure, actually
00:50:49You're some kind of evil genius
00:50:51I am
00:50:52I will never like cats, though
00:50:54Me either
00:50:55Hey, listen
00:50:56Mike was an asshole
00:50:59Right?
00:51:00He was a liar
00:51:01He was unfaithful
00:51:03He was stupid
00:51:04He had a stupid face
00:51:06He did have a stupid face
00:51:08He never washed his hands
00:51:09Why?
00:51:11I know they never are
00:51:13Who?
00:51:14What now?
00:51:14The guys
00:51:15They're never hurt
00:51:17They just act like nothing happened
00:51:19I think you just hurt Neil
00:51:21Neil is a bad guy
00:51:24He said he had a girlfriend that cheated
00:51:26So maybe this is his way of dealing with it?
00:51:30Maybe
00:51:31You are so fucked up
00:51:34I know
00:51:35But now that you know my secret
00:51:37I'm going to have to kill you
00:51:38And I'm going to tell you how
00:51:40It is how I'm going to kill you
00:51:41Don't tell me
00:51:42I'm going to
00:51:43I'm just going to shoot you
00:51:44That's what I'm going to do
00:51:45I'm just going to shoot you
00:51:47I think I'm going to shoot you
00:51:49Thank you so much for letting me in
00:51:52I didn't really need to talk to someone
00:51:54Sure
00:51:55Yeah, you can't go home right now
00:51:57Because they're just
00:51:58I told you he'd show up here
00:52:01What are you guys doing here?
00:52:02Oh my god, great question
00:52:03They just showed up
00:52:04This is good cake
00:52:05Can I please just talk to my brother-in-law and my sister?
00:52:09About what?
00:52:11Nothing
00:52:11You saw Jane again, didn't you?
00:52:13How could you tell?
00:52:14Holy fuckballs
00:52:15I know
00:52:15Is this one of your internet sex girls?
00:52:18Darren
00:52:18Oh, come on
00:52:19You know I can't hide anything from her
00:52:20She'd kill me
00:52:21I cut his balls off
00:52:22Did you at least have sex with her?
00:52:25No
00:52:25Really?
00:52:25Holy fuckballs
00:52:26Stop saying that
00:52:28Just give it a chance
00:52:29I can't
00:52:30Just let her breathe
00:52:30No, she saw me
00:52:32She got freaked out
00:52:33And she left
00:52:34She has to admit
00:52:35There's some kind of force
00:52:36That's dragging you two together
00:52:37No, she doesn't
00:52:38She just blows it off
00:52:39That's what she said
00:52:40That's great
00:52:41Thanks for the sensitivity
00:52:42That's what she said
00:52:43Oh, well done, master
00:52:44She definitely said that
00:52:46Okay, you all have to leave, okay?
00:52:48And then she said I was a bad guy
00:52:50Am I
00:52:50Am I a bad guy?
00:52:51Absolutely not
00:52:52No
00:52:52You're my hero
00:52:52No, you're not a bad guy
00:52:57So what do I do?
00:52:58I mean, there's nothing you can do
00:53:00She's clearly got issues of her own, so
00:53:02So I do nothing?
00:53:03Yes, you wait for her to reach out to you
00:53:05She has your phone number, right?
00:53:06No
00:53:06Email address?
00:53:08The fake ones that Barry set up
00:53:10Yeah, I forgot those passwords
00:53:11Right when I set them up
00:53:12Two words
00:53:13Plausible deniability
00:53:16He doesn't know what that means
00:53:17I do too
00:53:18Okay, you know what?
00:53:19Ben, you're fucked
00:53:20That's not what I want to hear
00:53:22Okay, well, here's something else you might not want to hear
00:53:24I think it's time to get another job, Neil
00:53:26Oh, eat me
00:53:27Oh, all right
00:53:28Cass
00:53:29Let's not start, you two
00:53:30Come on
00:53:30He started it
00:53:31You started it
00:53:31I started it
00:53:32Okay, all right
00:53:33It's really impossible to sew against employment here
00:53:35Guys, come on
00:53:36It's America
00:53:36Get jobs
00:53:37Oh, they're early
00:53:39Who is that?
00:53:40That is Darren's boss and his wife
00:53:41And we're having them over for dinner
00:53:43Yes, we're staying
00:53:43No, everybody out
00:53:45Get
00:53:45Go
00:53:46Get out
00:53:47Out, out, out
00:53:48No, no, take the back door
00:53:49Take the back door
00:53:50That's what she said
00:53:51Get out of my life
00:53:53I'm just gonna go ahead and bring the cake with me
00:53:55I will bring back your pretty green plates
00:53:58What's good, midnight?
00:53:58Let's go, go
00:53:59Okay, bye, I miss you
00:54:00Nice
00:54:00Oh, my God
00:54:01Look, I'm sorry for them
00:54:03Um, eat me?
00:54:06I'm your sister
00:54:06It's the best I can do on short notice
00:54:08It's disgusting
00:54:09I'm sorry
00:54:10Okay, I'll do better next time
00:54:11Oh, and this is my brother-in-law, Neil
00:54:14Neil, I'd like you to meet Ted and Alicia
00:54:15Do you guys know each other?
00:54:23No
00:54:24Yeah
00:54:24Seriously, guys, what's going on?
00:54:27We saw him in his underwear
00:54:28In our house
00:54:30Randomly
00:54:33There is a woman staying at your place
00:54:37Do you by any chance have her phone number?
00:54:40Are you serious?
00:54:41No
00:54:42You know what the best cure is for a bad date?
00:54:48Oh, NyQuil
00:54:49NyQuil
00:54:49What?
00:54:51She's gotta get right back up on that horse
00:54:53Oh, I don't know, guys
00:54:54I mean, I really feel like this whole Jane thing
00:54:57Is the universe telling me to stop doing this
00:54:59No
00:54:59Look, I have, like, nothing interesting in my life right now
00:55:06But what you've been doing
00:55:07What?
00:55:08I have been doing it, too
00:55:10Well, yeah, but you've been having meaningless sex with women for years
00:55:13True
00:55:13Um, Bryce, you did it once
00:55:17And it was a disaster
00:55:19Yeah, yeah
00:55:20He needs a chaperone
00:55:23I think that's a good idea
00:55:24Look, for Neil to do it
00:55:27It makes me feel like I'm right there with you
00:55:30While I'm having sex
00:55:31Yeah
00:55:32Okay, I just
00:55:34I just don't feel up to it, guys, okay?
00:55:36Are you fucking falling for Jane?
00:55:38No
00:55:39Alright, the last thing I need is another Christine
00:55:41Do you really believe that?
00:55:44I don't know
00:55:44I don't know
00:55:45I just
00:55:45I'm not sure if I should have any more sex
00:55:47I think it's just gonna get me more twisted
00:55:48That's not a bad thing
00:55:50Oh, my God
00:55:53I just don't think I can do it, Barry
00:55:55So the universe made you a pussy?
00:55:58No, that's not what I'm
00:55:59Alan
00:56:02Hey, Neil
00:56:06What's up?
00:56:07Oh, what's up?
00:56:08You mean, what's up since I walked in on you fucking my girlfriend
00:56:12And the two of you then consequently moving in together?
00:56:15Is that what you mean by what's up?
00:56:16Is that what you're getting at?
00:56:17I just wanted to see how things were going
00:56:19How are things going?
00:56:21What an awesome question
00:56:23Thank you for asking
00:56:25Let's see
00:56:26I have quit my job
00:56:28I have two to three people in my apartment at all times
00:56:31None of whom pay any sort of rent
00:56:32I have started to feel guilty for all the random sex I've been having with girls on the internet
00:56:37Because I suddenly have a conscience
00:56:39But on that note
00:56:40How has fucking Christine been going?
00:56:44Look, man, I'm sorry
00:56:45I know you're mad
00:56:46Oh, do you now?
00:56:48Oh, what's giving that away?
00:56:49I can come back
00:56:50Oh, no, no, no, no, please don't go
00:56:51Please don't go
00:56:52We don't even know why you're here yet
00:56:53Well, Christina's been trying to come over to get the rest of her stuff
00:56:56And I wanted to
00:56:57Jesus, fuck with the stuff
00:56:58She's obsessed with the stuff
00:57:00God, let me guess
00:57:01Three minute of baby tape?
00:57:03It's her favorite movie
00:57:04I know
00:57:05It's that limited edition copy
00:57:06Signed by Steve Guttenberg
00:57:07Yes, it's fantastic
00:57:08Yeah, I know
00:57:09So she sent you over
00:57:10No
00:57:10I told her I wanted to see you
00:57:12I wish I could say the same to you
00:57:14Come on, man
00:57:15We've known each other since we were eight
00:57:16You don't mean that
00:57:17The last time I saw you
00:57:18It was a view of your bare ass
00:57:20Fucking my girlfriend
00:57:21That fucking haunts me
00:57:23God, why you two assisted on doing it on the couch is beyond me
00:57:27Well, she said you guys always did it on the bed
00:57:29So I just didn't want to upset my boundaries
00:57:30Okay, you should probably go now
00:57:31Thank you
00:57:31Can't we just talk about this, man?
00:57:32Can't you just shut the fuck up, Alan?
00:57:34You know what, Neil?
00:57:37You weren't listening to her
00:57:38From what I saw on your end
00:57:40There wasn't a lot of listening going on either
00:57:41You know what?
00:57:42Don't talk to me like you know
00:57:43Just get the fuck out of here
00:57:44Real mature
00:57:45Yeah, whatever
00:57:45Go shave your ass, you fucking yeti
00:57:47Thanks for the help there, guys
00:57:52We thought you were doing pretty good on your own
00:57:54Really?
00:57:55Yeah
00:57:55Right up to the shave your ass thing
00:57:57Otherwise, pretty good
00:57:59I like the ass, Alan
00:58:00Thanks
00:58:00So what now?
00:58:04Get back on that horse
00:58:06Yeah, Danny
00:58:06Let's get me an internet girl too
00:58:09And then you can be my chaperone
00:58:10Chaperones
00:58:11Absolutely not
00:58:13It does need a chaperones
00:58:15And I thought, for some reason
00:58:19The guy was going to meet me
00:58:21It's crazy
00:58:22No, no, it's not
00:58:24You have to take risks sometimes
00:58:26Bottom line is you came here to meet someone
00:58:28And you did
00:58:28Oh, look what you did there
00:58:30Try to bring it back to myself as much as possible
00:58:32Doesn't make you seem conceited at all
00:58:33Good, good
00:58:34Just wanted to be sure
00:58:35Hey, dude
00:58:36I don't know if my sex stranger is even here
00:58:39Should I, like
00:58:39I don't know, make an announcement or something?
00:58:43Excuse me
00:58:43I'm in the middle of a conversation right now
00:58:45I'm sorry
00:58:51I'm very confused
00:58:52My drink is red
00:58:53Who's that?
00:58:55I have no idea who the fuck that person was
00:58:57Probably just some crazy guy
00:58:59I need another drink
00:59:02Um, actually
00:59:04It's getting kind of loud
00:59:05Do you want to
00:59:07Get out of here?
00:59:08Yes
00:59:08Yeah
00:59:09Yeah, yeah, yeah
00:59:10Let's do that
00:59:10And you're taller than me
00:59:13That never happens
00:59:14You know what?
00:59:25I see an old friend of mine
00:59:26Do you mind if I go over and just say hi real quick?
00:59:28Okay
00:59:28Great
00:59:29Jane?
00:59:36Not now, Neil
00:59:37What are you doing here?
00:59:39I'm a bit busy right now
00:59:40Holy fuck
00:59:46You do not want to do this
00:59:48You don't see me stopping you
00:59:50Everything okay, Neil?
00:59:51Hi, I'm Jane
00:59:53I'm Neil's friend
00:59:55Neil was just leaving
00:59:56Oh, no I wasn't
00:59:58Everything's fine
00:59:58Jane's an old friend of mine
01:00:00I was just giving her some advice
01:00:01But I don't need any advice
01:00:02Especially from him
01:00:04You do realize what he's doing
01:00:05Oh, that's probably enough
01:00:06Thank you
01:00:06I don't think she's gonna come
01:00:08Actually, she's right here
01:00:12Really?
01:00:14Yeah, she was just leaving
01:00:15Giving up?
01:00:16Nope
01:00:16I'm a little confused as to what's going on right now
01:00:19Okay, so what he's doing tonight
01:00:21He's done over and over and over again
01:00:24What's she talking about?
01:00:25She's lying
01:00:26That's what she likes to do
01:00:27She thinks it's impossible for two people to meet
01:00:29And she wants the whole world to feel the same way
01:00:31Well, that's not it at all
01:00:32Oh, well, then why don't you enlighten me?
01:00:34Wait, is this your ex-girlfriend?
01:00:35Oh, bad chance
01:00:37Absolutely not
01:00:38Happy?
01:00:41Yeah
01:00:42I'm so okay with you using me to get back at her
01:00:49Nothing bothers you
01:00:51Nothing
01:00:51Even when you get hurt
01:00:52You just seem to move right on
01:00:54Like everything's fine
01:00:55Are you talking about me or all men?
01:00:57All men
01:00:58What, even me?
01:00:59Especially you
01:01:00Okay, you know that men aren't the only ones who do horrible things
01:01:03I was hurt just like you were
01:01:04Not just like me
01:01:05Because you were able to move on and start fucking random women
01:01:09Excuse me?
01:01:10I can't let it go
01:01:11He hurt me and moved on with his new life
01:01:15So why don't you move on with yours?
01:01:16Oh, like this?
01:01:17Hi
01:01:17No, that's not what I was getting
01:01:20I didn't want her to beat you
01:01:25Oh, it's on
01:01:26No
01:01:28Oh, blue shoes
01:01:35Oh, well don't feel bad
01:01:37Anyone would have lost a blue shoes
01:01:39How tall are you?
01:01:41Um, like two Websters
01:01:43We shouldn't have done that
01:01:56Which part?
01:02:00All of it
01:02:01Was I not just in the same room?
01:02:05I thought that was pretty amazing
01:02:06All the more reason
01:02:08We shouldn't have done that
01:02:09I get it
01:02:15Good
01:02:18You know what?
01:02:22No
01:02:23No, I'm sorry
01:02:25No
01:02:25I like you, okay?
01:02:27I said it
01:02:27I like you
01:02:28I don't know why
01:02:29You really haven't been that cool to me lately
01:02:31But I can't deny the fact that we have some sort of connection
01:02:34It's great
01:02:35It's really great
01:02:37In fact, I can't get you out of my head
01:02:39And I can't deny that we keep meeting up
01:02:42That means something to me
01:02:44That means that someone or something somewhere
01:02:48Maybe wants us to be happy
01:02:50Maybe thinks that we've been trying some really fucked up ways to find happiness
01:02:54But in spite of all that
01:02:56Maybe thinks we deserve to be happy
01:02:58Let's face it
01:03:00We're damaged goods
01:03:02We're cracked
01:03:04And anyone in their right minds
01:03:07Would see how fucked up we are
01:03:08And run away
01:03:09But after all that
01:03:11I still like you
01:03:12Any reaction to that?
01:03:16Anything?
01:03:19I can't get hurt again, Neil
01:03:21I don't think I could pick myself up again
01:03:25Sorry
01:03:50Holy fuck
01:04:04Jesus
01:04:04I thought she'd never leave
01:04:06Were you guys in there all night?
01:04:08Yeah, we hid when you came in
01:04:10George, are you ever with your girlfriend?
01:04:13No, that girl hates me
01:04:14Wait
01:04:15Did you guys hear me having sex?
01:04:16This door is not soundproof
01:04:19I know, is that right?
01:04:21How'd you keep the dog quiet?
01:04:23Um, she has a lot on her mind
01:04:25Uh, well, there's good news
01:04:28Oh, there's good news
01:04:29Yeah, uh, we found Christine's copy of Three Men and a Baby
01:04:32Really?
01:04:33Signed by all three of them
01:04:34Yeah, even Gutenberg
01:04:35Tough to get
01:04:36Not really
01:04:37Neil
01:04:49Hi
01:04:50What are you doing here?
01:04:53Ah, you found it
01:04:55Mm-hmm
01:04:55Oh, where was it?
01:04:57It was buried under a bunch of stuff in the closet
01:04:59Oh, my God, thank you
01:05:01Did you walk here?
01:05:04Yeah
01:05:04Do you want to come here?
01:05:06No, no, no, no, no
01:05:07I can't
01:05:08I can't stay
01:05:08I
01:05:09I just wanted to come by and bring you that
01:05:12And, uh, let you know that if you wanted to come over tomorrow and pick up the rest of your stuff
01:05:17I'd be okay with that
01:05:19Are you feeling okay?
01:05:21Yeah
01:05:21Well, no
01:05:22Like, not in general
01:05:23Like, but I do know that I'm okay with what I just said about you coming over to get your stuff
01:05:28So
01:05:28All right
01:05:30Hey, Neil
01:05:33Did you really want to marry me?
01:05:38I mean, you bought that ring
01:05:40Why
01:05:40Why didn't you propose?
01:05:43I don't know
01:05:44I think maybe I was doing what I thought I was supposed to
01:05:48You could have quit at any time
01:05:50I know
01:05:51Now
01:05:53Okay, seriously
01:05:55What is going on with you?
01:05:57What?
01:05:57What do you mean?
01:05:58I haven't seen you this rational since we started dating
01:06:01The party side got raped out of me and this is all that's left
01:06:05Okay
01:06:07That's like one of the weirdest things I've ever said
01:06:10I don't know why I thought that was really weird
01:06:12I'm not sure what that means
01:06:12Let me
01:06:13Uh, Christine, I
01:06:15I just want you to know that in spite of everything
01:06:18I do genuinely want you to be happy
01:06:21I am happy
01:06:23And that's all I ever wanted for you
01:06:26I know
01:06:30Thanks
01:06:34Bye, Neil
01:06:35I don't recall
01:06:40I don't recall
01:06:54Grazie a tutti
01:07:24Grazie a tutti
01:07:54Grazie a tutti
01:08:24Grazie a tutti
01:08:26Grazie a tutti
01:08:28Grazie a tutti
01:08:30Grazie a tutti
01:09:32Grazie a tutti
01:09:34Grazie a tutti
01:09:36Grazie a tutti
01:09:38Grazie a tutti
01:09:40Grazie a tutti
01:10:40Grazie a tutti
01:10:42Grazie a tutti
01:10:44Grazie a tutti
01:10:46Grazie a tutti
01:10:48Grazie a tutti
01:10:50Grazie a tutti
01:10:52Grazie a tutti
01:11:24Grazie a tutti
01:11:26Grazie a tutti
01:11:28Grazie a tutti
01:11:30Grazie a tutti
01:11:32Grazie a tutti
01:12:00Grazie a tutti
01:12:02Grazie a tutti
01:12:04Grazie a tutti
01:12:06Grazie a tutti
01:12:08Grazie a tutti
01:12:10Grazie a tutti
01:12:12Grazie a tutti
01:12:14Grazie a tutti
01:12:16Grazie a tutti
01:12:18Grazie a tutti
01:12:20Grazie a tutti
01:12:22Grazie a tutti
01:12:49Grazie a tutti
01:12:51Grazie a tutti
01:12:53Grazie a tutti
01:12:55Grazie a tutti
01:13:23Grazie a tutti
01:13:53Grazie a tutti
01:14:23Grazie a tutti
01:14:25Grazie a tutti
01:14:53Grazie a tutti
01:14:55Grazie a tutti
01:15:23Grazie a tutti
01:15:25Grazie a tutti
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