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Short filmTranscript
00:00I fucking stare to that.
00:03Honestly.
00:04You sent him in a perfectly good passport, Fox.
00:05Isn't he back looking halfway between Pablo Escobar and a local paedophile?
00:08I think you look cute.
00:09I'll tell you what.
00:10I was ten years younger.
00:12Sorry, no offence, Elizabeth.
00:13But we A, we have some good authority that you do in fact have a cursed vagina.
00:18Bewitched.
00:19It's wise.
00:19And B, I think it's highly inappropriate for you to be flirting with me.
00:24Because I am to be your future manager.
00:27Oh, dear God.
00:30After the financial bloody clusterfuck you made of the rat and cutter,
00:33you know you're going to buy this, eh?
00:34Not buy it, Vincent.
00:36Lease it.
00:36And no, I haven't made a fucking clusterfuck of it.
00:38I've turned the rat and cutter around.
00:39Now I've got my sights set on this place.
00:42And you're doing what you always do.
00:44Fucking bull at a shagging gate.
00:45Just do one thing at a time, man.
00:47It's exactly not the advice of every great entrepreneur.
00:50And I should know.
00:51I watch a lot of Dragons, Dan.
00:52Yep.
00:52Well, get that fucking jukebox fixed, then.
00:54And get some bar snacks.
00:56Where is he always here?
00:57When I was young, this bloke used to come round with a basket of fish.
01:00And we all used to say to him, have you got crabs?
01:05You know, for a laugh.
01:06What, the good old days, was it?
01:08They had you in here enough times.
01:09Well, I say in here, you were in the van in the car park with a packet of prawn cocktail, Chris.
01:14Yeah, I know.
01:15Seen as I drove you home on more than one occasion.
01:17How are you going to afford this when all your money's wrapped up in the rat and cutter?
01:21Well, therein lies a very cunning plan.
01:23One which involves me going for four days to Dusseldorf to meet Veronica, my son's mother, and her...
01:29Drumroll, please.
01:31Her very wealthy parents.
01:33Oh, yeah.
01:34Why would Hans' German grandparents buy a fucking rundown pub in Hawley?
01:39I've asked Hans, and it turns out his grandad is an angel investor.
01:42So all I've got to do is turn on my natural pizzazz and a few well-placed lies, and ka-ching!
01:48Liz Jones and her cursed fanny are my new employees.
01:51Why is it cursed?
01:52Please, can we not talk about my mother's fanny?
01:54It's dangerous.
01:55It's killed several men, hasn't it, look?
01:57Listen, only eight men have died.
01:59The other 53 are roaming around quite happy, thank you.
02:02That number's gone up.
02:03Yeah, well, it will.
02:04Here, here.
02:05Ain't them ever died mid-pump?
02:07Just the one.
02:08What's it like, Dusseldorf?
02:10Hot-bedded, filthy debauchery, I'm no doubt.
02:13It's a beautiful city, beautiful, yeah.
02:14Famed for its iconic Rhine Tower.
02:16Although, I do have, you know, a few contacts over there in the debauchement industry.
02:21And I will be frequenting those for a few days prior to toddling off and meeting the parents.
02:25Anyway, love to chat, must fly.
02:28And, uh, as they say in Germany, hasta la vista, cunts.
02:33Dusseldorf, not in Spain.
02:38Ah!
02:51Ah!
03:04Hello?
03:05Hello, Mr. Schaffner.
03:07Speaking.
03:07There is a visitor here in reception wishing to see you.
03:10Visitor?
03:11Who is that?
03:12He says his name is Bernard Law Montgomery.
03:14The best things in life are free.
03:19But you can give them to the birds and bees.
03:22Ta-da!
03:23Hey, hey!
03:25Lord, in the name of Jesus H, fuck are you doing here?
03:28Hey, I got your hotel details from Vinny.
03:30Bought myself a cheap flight over.
03:32Come fly!
03:34Absolutely fucking shite airline.
03:37Why would you do that?
03:38Why would you make such a strange and fucking incorrect decision, you manky old pube?
03:44We all nearly died that day, Tom, on that coach.
03:47You weren't even fucking on it!
03:48I was fucking on the tractor.
03:50Getting fucking dragged to the untimely end.
03:53Yeah, well, not that untimely, eh, Jim.
03:55Right, come on!
03:56Off you fuck!
03:57Allé!
03:57And I made a vow that day that all the things I've been putting off had to get done.
04:02Right.
04:02Fucking car pay deal.
04:04Fucking bucket list.
04:05Right, and what, you've always dreamed of visiting Dusseldorf?
04:08Have you?
04:08Is that right?
04:08It's pronunciation.
04:09Dusseldorf.
04:12Bukkake.
04:13Look.
04:14I'm so sorry about this.
04:15No, no, sorry.
04:16Fuck.
04:17You say bukkake?
04:18Yeah, yeah.
04:18Well, he's famous for it over here, isn't he?
04:20All the underground what-nots and that.
04:22And you, know all the fucking right places.
04:25Right.
04:25Okay.
04:26I can't believe you're something to me.
04:28Right.
04:29How do I put it?
04:29Jim, fuck off, you monkey old scrotum.
04:33Get on the next fucking overcrowded, shitty flight back home.
04:36There we go.
04:37Avanti.
04:37Bonsoir.
04:38Hey, hang on.
04:39Some people want to fucking skydive or fucking go to the Great Barrier Reef.
04:45This is my Taj Mahal, Tomo.
04:47My Great Wall of China.
04:52Good luck, dear.
04:55Fine.
04:55I'll just ask around, then.
05:05Fuck!
05:07Fucking hell.
05:08Fine, Jim.
05:09I do know people and in our place.
05:11Listen to me.
05:12Right.
05:12Mark my words.
05:13Are you marking me?
05:14Heed me, Jim.
05:16Right.
05:16When you have shot, you muggy little wad, that's us done.
05:19Right.
05:20You're finished.
05:20We are not.
05:20I repeat.
05:21We are not on a mini-break together.
05:23They absolutely don't know.
05:36Jesus Christ, Jim.
05:37You've got crisps in your being, love.
05:38Fuck you, you know?
05:40Fucking hell.
05:41Thomas.
05:42Mila.
05:43Meiner, Kleiner, Freiliner.
05:45This is my friend James.
05:46I say friend, I mean he's more of a rancid old farmer
05:49whom only acquaintances with because we grow weed under his love.
05:51Come to meet you.
05:53Hi.
05:55So I understand you are here for the bukkake?
05:57Yeah, that's right.
05:59Okay.
05:59We do classic bukkake here.
06:01Oh.
06:01Three men, one woman.
06:04Okay.
06:05And, um, what if I want you to be on my knees?
06:10Oh.
06:11This is extra.
06:12Do you have cash?
06:13Oh, yeah.
06:14Good for you, Bobby.
06:15I say, Jim.
06:17It's not hard.
06:17You know.
06:21Good night, Ben.
06:22And we'll be joined by Anton and Dieter.
06:25Don't be intimidated.
06:26They're extremely large, but just follow their lead.
06:29Congratulations.
06:30Yeah, right.
06:32So, off we go.
06:34Good luck, and, uh, don't be too gross, eh?
06:37Oh, son, man, fucking hell.
06:45Ah, guten outfit.
06:47Ah, sehr gut.
06:52Dad, are you in Düsseldorf?
06:54Hans, son.
06:54I am indeed, yes.
06:55I'm, uh, currently soaking up the cultural highlights of this fine city.
07:01Fucking hell.
07:02Sorry, love, I've just seen a cathedral.
07:04Do you want to meet at Grandma and Grandpapa's house, or before?
07:07Mummy can't wait to see you.
07:09Really?
07:10Oh, yes.
07:11She says it will be strange after all the years, but also...
07:13Oh, wunderbar.
07:14They're doing dinner at 6 p.m.
07:16All right.
07:16Well, listen, I've got a few things to clear up here first, but, uh, ping me over the address.
07:19I've got a higher car, so I suppose I can, uh...
07:22Toodle-oooh, shit.
07:25Uh, Hans, love, I'll see you at 6, all right?
07:28Fucking hell, Jim.
07:29Jim!
07:31The fuck have you done, you?
07:32Hey, nothing.
07:33I said, I said, don't be too gross.
07:35Did I not say that?
07:35No, I wasn't.
07:36I mean, we were just getting to it, and, uh, I know I've got a bit of an intense jack-o-face,
07:41but she just started crying and fled her fucking hand-and-deck.
07:45ethical, miserable, all cunt-sake.
07:48Mila, sweetheart, love, baby, angel, you all right in there?
07:52I'm sorry.
07:53No, no, no, don't you be sorry.
07:54He is a mangy cunt with a horrible jerk-off face.
07:56Just come out here and we can talk about it.
07:58If you're all right.
07:59Ah, fuck it, I'm sorry if it was me.
08:04The last thing I wanted you to do...
08:05No, no, it wasn't you.
08:07You were a gentleman.
08:09It's me.
08:11I shouldn't have come to work tonight.
08:13I'm just so worried.
08:15What's happened?
08:16My brother, Otto, he's in the hospital.
08:19He had a heart attack.
08:21Oh, that's terrible.
08:22Not ideal.
08:23I have his phone and he keeps getting these messages from someone named Bozeman.
08:30Right, so that's a little German, isn't it?
08:32He says, we want the gear.
08:35When and where?
08:36Don't ignore me.
08:38Fucking call me or I'll find you ass-face.
08:42Ass-face, right, that's a rare insult.
08:45I didn't say, I'm so, what's, what's, what's, uh, what's I got myself involved in?
08:50Envelopes.
08:55Why?
08:55Well, Otto runs the local post office, and since the legalization of cannabis, people
09:01come here to smoke, to party from the UK, France, and many of them get the idea to post
09:06drugs back home.
09:08So, they Google local post office, Otto's the first hit, so they wander in and ask,
09:14I'm not supposed to let her back to the UK.
09:16So, he tells them the price of a stamp, Otto knows they're posting weed, mushrooms, then
09:21he throws them into a special right to delivery back.
09:24Which he then brings home with him, because who's going to make a complaint?
09:27Oh, my drugs never made at home?
09:29Fucking clever.
09:30Perfect crime.
09:31But then, he didn't know what to do with them all.
09:33Hence, Bozeman.
09:35Fuck me, there's thousands of fucking pounds worth.
09:38Maybe tens of thousands.
09:40People pay 40, 50 euros for mushrooms, even more for the strong ones.
09:44But I can't get involved.
09:46I don't want trouble with the police.
09:48Ah, well, congratulations, Mila, because we deal with this sort of thing all the fucking
09:51time.
09:52For a small remuneration, i.e. cut to the profits, we could get some of the contents of
09:57these envelopes to, uh, Mr. Bozeman, Air Bozeman, if you will, Deutsche, very good,
10:03and, you know, make the transaction.
10:06You would do that for me?
10:08Mila, of course.
10:10Mi kassera su kassera.
10:11You can have the money.
10:11I don't need it.
10:1250, 50.
10:13Eh, less ever.
10:1480, 20.
10:1560, 40.
10:15Okay, I accept 60.
10:18Fucking well done.
10:19Thank you so much, Tom.
10:20Bitte schön.
10:22If you meet them, you might need someone who speaks German.
10:26Do you know anyone?
10:28Mila, would you believe it?
10:30I know just the man.
10:38Here he fucking is, eh.
10:45Listen, you can be all right with this.
10:47You know, you won't tell your mum, really.
10:48It's just, uh, our little secret.
10:50Yes.
10:50It is exciting.
10:51Oh, yeah.
10:51Like a movie.
10:52An illegal drop in a discreet location.
10:55Oh, yes.
10:55Well, listen, that's how you find the roles.
10:57It's wall-to-wall adventuring intrigue, isn't it?
10:59Oh, yes.
11:00Except we're meeting him round the back of a large garden furniture warehouse.
11:04All right.
11:04On that note,
11:05Avanti!
11:06Let's go.
11:12It's a quick inner night.
11:13Stick to the plan,
11:14and we'll be serving Steins on the Rhine.
11:16Bob's your fucking uncle.
11:32Right.
11:33Jim, you stay here with the gear,
11:35and Hans will go and negotiate.
11:37I don't like this.
11:39They've got nasty eyes.
11:41They're probably going to kill us
11:42and dump our bodies in the Seine.
11:44The Seine is in France.
11:45You're missing the fucking point.
11:47I am this close to achieving a lifelong ambition,
11:50and now I'm going to get shot in the face
11:52on some misguided envelope-based fucking scam.
11:55Jim, love,
11:56I ought to put this gently.
11:57Shut the fuck up,
11:59you stupid old cunt.
12:03Oh, Mr. Bozeman.
12:12Where is Otto?
12:13Tell him that we are colleagues,
12:15and we have what he needs.
12:16We are Otto's colleagues.
12:18Kollegen.
12:18Otto is involved,
12:19but we have what he needs.
12:21Yeah.
12:21What are you doing?
12:22Otto is sent to Santa Claus,
12:23I think they mean Jim,
12:24and his two elves,
12:38that's us,
12:39to do his deal for him.
12:40Okay.
12:41And then they did a bunch of follow-up stuff,
12:42which is German humor,
12:43and won't be funny to you.
12:45Okay.
12:45Now they're asking how much you want for the gear.
12:49Yes,
12:49we want 20.000 Euro.
12:5120.000 Euro.
12:53Yeah.
12:5520.000 Euro.
12:57Yeah.
12:57They say that Santa must be drunk on all the whiskey,
13:01if we want 20k.
13:03We're making a deal.
13:04If you fill our Christmas socks,
13:06it's 4.000 Euro for you.
13:08They will give us 4k,
13:09if we agree to fill their Christmas stockings.
13:12Jesus Christ,
13:12some fucking gentle humor,
13:13this, isn't it?
13:14I have to tell them,
13:1515 grand,
13:16and that's the final offer.
13:1715.000.
13:19Rude.
13:20Right, right, right.
13:2110 grand,
13:22and that's as long as they'll go.
13:2310.
13:245.000.
13:25They say 5.
13:25Remind those cunts who won the war.
13:27No, no, Jim,
13:28we're not going down that route,
13:29thank you very much.
13:30All right,
13:309 grand.
13:319 grand,
13:31and that is it.
13:32That is as long as they'll go,
13:33or may God strike Jim down.
13:359.
13:36It's the best of angebot.
13:378.
13:378.
13:39Fine, done.
13:40Fucking great.
13:41Now let's get the dough,
13:42so we can get on with the bockacker.
13:43Tell them that we want to see the cash
13:45before the drugs get handed over.
13:47We want to ask the cooler scene.
13:48Bitte, cooler scene.
13:49Sure,
13:50but before I will see a beard
13:51with the Weihnachtsmann.
13:53They want a photograph with Santa Claus.
13:56You are?
13:57Are you for real?
13:58Yes,
13:58they want to send it to a friend.
14:00Crikey.
14:01All right,
14:01go on.
14:02Hey,
14:02having a great beard
14:03does not make me Santa Claus.
14:05Oh my God.
14:05Raph Putin had a great beard.
14:07Fucking Fidel Castro had a great beard.
14:09Glitch in that fucking selfie, you cunt.
14:10He's wearing disposable gloves.
14:13Only killers wear disposable gloves.
14:15Oh,
14:15maybe he's got a germphobia.
14:16Go on,
14:16get the selfie, love.
14:17There we go.
14:18Ah,
14:18schnell.
14:19Sehr good.
14:21Yeah,
14:21super cool.
14:23We get sense for dying.
14:24Come,
14:25come.
14:25There's now one with all of us.
14:27What's going on?
14:27What are you talking?
14:28What?
14:29Okay.
14:30Dylan,
14:31now,
14:32singing,
14:32in peinigen
14:34night.
14:34Yeah,
14:35lovely.
14:36Alles schläft
14:38traut
14:39oof.
14:40Jesus!
14:41Oh,
14:42no!
14:42No!
14:42No!
14:42No!
14:43No!
14:43No!
14:44No!
14:44No!
14:45No!
14:45No!
14:46No!
14:46No!
14:47No!
14:47No!
14:48No!
14:49No!
14:49No!
14:50No!
14:50No!
14:51No!
14:51No!
14:52No!
14:53No!
14:54No!
14:55No!
14:56No!
14:57No!
14:58No!
14:59No!
14:59No!
15:00No!
15:01Nooo!
15:05My best shoes in that suitcase
15:07And me tingly body rub
15:09And me corn plasters
15:11You honestly gonna go for that old fucking weird smorgasbord
15:13It nicked off with our fucking luggage, our passports
15:15and my fucking hire car
15:17that I didn't get insured
15:19You didn't take the insurance? No.
15:21Would you like to take the insurance?
15:23Yeah. Four days in Dusseldorf was the worst that could happen
15:27Would you like to take the insurance?
15:29Fuck! Fuck!
15:31But we gained a jacket
15:35Stop it. I've not got time for whimsy now, love
15:37What's this?
15:39What was it? What is it?
15:41Brower and Schumann, 10.30
15:43That's a beer hall
15:45That's a fucking meet-up. That's a fucking meet-up! He's been there tonight
15:47Unless it was last night and he's just still in his pocket
15:49I swear to God, man
15:51But, Dad, we have to go to Grandma and Grandpapa's
15:53In fact, we need to be there in 22 minutes
15:57Okay, okay, here's what we're gonna do
15:59We're gonna go to the relatives
16:01Have a bit of din-dins, lovely
16:03Then, early to bed, let me sneak out
16:05And go and retrieve what's rightfully ours
16:07Hang on a minute
16:09What about me? Get what I came for
16:11Jim, read the fucking room
16:13Events have moved on
16:15And leave me here
16:17In the middle of fucking nowhere
16:19You can come with us
16:21As you say in England
16:23The more of the people, the merrier the situation
16:25Nice one! Take care!
16:27It's Mummy!
16:37It's Mummy!
16:39This is a huge moment
16:41My mother and my father reunited after so many years
16:43All right, all right, I'm coming
16:45Words which ironically led to your creation
16:47Mummy
16:49And that's what I said when I came
16:51Hans
16:53It's Daddy
16:54Thomas
16:55Well, yes, it's been a very long time
16:57Yes
16:58Hello again
16:59Hello, Veronica
17:00Looking well
17:02Very Germanic
17:03With your hair like that
17:04And the raw neck and all that, you know
17:06And you look very English
17:10Thank you
17:11I think
17:12Who's this?
17:13This is Jim, a friend of Dad's
17:14Good to meet you
17:15I've heard a lot about you
17:16Well, the 16-year-old you
17:18The one that liked cowgirl on school trips
17:20Jim!
17:21Sorry about that
17:23Veronica Hans
17:25Papa!
17:26Hi, hello!
17:27Kinder
17:29So good to see you
17:34Well, I didn't first, eh?
17:35I'll be at the circus
17:38What do you need?
17:39My little neighbor
17:40Opa
17:41Yeah
17:42Das is mein Vater
17:43Thomas
17:44Vater
17:45Und sein Freund Jim
17:46Freund
17:47Did you bring any luggage?
17:48We had it stolen
17:49I hope you have insurance
17:51Ha
17:55Fifty quid
17:56Fuck that
17:57What's the worst that could happen?
18:00Never mind
18:03Never mind
18:04I'll lend you some of my briefs
18:05Let's go
18:08These are briefs
18:12Thomas
18:13Come hurry up
18:14Schnell
18:15This is our sauna
18:16And I built it with my own hands
18:18Just as Gitte
18:19Is preparing us the most amazing feast
18:22And there's nothing more enticing for the appetite than a
18:25Cold plunge
18:26Oh
18:28Oh
18:29The secret is
18:30It's complete submerging
18:31All the way to your neck
18:32And you hold it for two minutes
18:34And not a second less
18:35Two
18:36Two minutes
18:37Two full minutes
18:38Alright
18:39Now follow me
18:40Now you
18:47Come
18:48Okay
18:49You know
18:50Here goes
18:51Rapping
18:52So test the water
18:53As it
18:54Oh
18:55Fuck me
18:56Yes now that is
18:57That's very very cold actually
18:58Don't allow yourself to think about it
19:00Yes now I have thoughts about it
19:01And the brain is very much saying
19:02No thank you
19:03So I'm just going to go and say
19:04Not a neck
19:05Alright count him in
19:06Fun
19:07Friends
19:08Fear
19:09Lie
19:10Swine
19:11Eyes
19:12I mentioned that I do have a heart defect
19:14And so I'm a bit concerned this might bring about a cardiac arrest
19:17Hey reminds me of the merchant navy
19:25Except that when we're all naked
19:30Hey I'm just going to get some wine from the jail
19:32Alright
19:34Oh and get me some tampons will ya
19:36I told you
19:37Use a moon cup
19:38Hey
19:39Just get the tampons
19:40You get them
19:41I'm not buying shitty single use plastic
19:46Weirdo
19:57Here's my love
20:00Oh it's no way today
20:02I'll put that in your drink
20:07Don't sweat the technique
20:08Alex fucking go
20:09Go fucking joking
20:15Fuck sake Faye
20:16You were meant to go in for a bottle of wine
20:17Yeah well an opportunity arose
20:19Did you hit him then?
20:20Only gently
20:21Fuck me
20:22Thought we were leaving all this small time shit behind
20:24And where are my fucking tampons eh?
20:26That guy in there who's probably just doing his fucking job
20:28Minimum wage
20:29Probably getting into all kinds of trouble now
20:31It's not right Ali
20:32You're asking me to compromise on my moral standpoint on these things
20:35My moral fucking standpoint
20:36As if you didn't just fucking smash a guy in the face for a couple of quid
20:39I fucking told you to use a moon cup
20:41I told you to use a moon cup
20:42Oh fuck off
20:45Thank you Sean
20:51So
20:53Ernst
20:54Or perhaps now that we're related
20:55I could venture to call you Papa
20:58Keep it at Ernst
20:59Okay
21:00As you wish
21:01Listen
21:02About earlier
21:03The whole ice plunge situation
21:04I think we got off the wrong foot didn't we
21:05Because you see
21:06The whole great outdoors
21:07It's not really my natural environnement
21:09You know I'm more of a
21:10Nighttime economy
21:11Guy
21:12You know pubs, clubs, bars
21:13Where people can go and find fun and friendship
21:17Everyone to the all
21:18And you know as it happens
21:19I do have a
21:20Small portfolio of venues
21:22In the UK
21:23But I'm ever looking to expand
21:26Hmm
21:27I see
21:28Hmm
21:29Hans helped me financially
21:30To set up my flagship venue
21:32The Rat and Cutter
21:33And now I've got my little eye
21:35On another local bar
21:37Very up and coming
21:38And I was wondering
21:39If you might want to chat
21:41Investment opportunities
21:46You got my daughter pregnant
21:49Now let me ask you a question
21:50Why do you think Veronica never told you
21:53That you Hans' father
21:54Because we met when we were very young
21:57And on a school exchange
21:59So
22:00It's one of them in it
22:01She went through hell
22:02She was 16 years old
22:04With a newborn child
22:05Couldn't go out with her friends
22:07Couldn't go on holidays
22:09She had to postpone college
22:13And why?
22:14Because some English boy
22:16Was the cheap to buy prophylactics
22:19A fucking condom
22:21That wasn't the expense as such
22:26She didn't tell you
22:27Because she thought
22:28You are a bad bet
22:31She thought
22:32Your life
22:34Will be chaotic
22:35And failing
22:36And even though
22:38She was physically attracted to you
22:41At that age
22:42She was smart enough even then
22:43To realize
22:44She was the kind of guy
22:45That can't be relied upon
22:46Well
22:47How wrong was she?
22:48Eh?
22:49Was she?
22:50I think of myself
22:51As a good judge of character
22:52It comes with my line of work
22:53And I think Veronica, my daughter
22:54She's too
22:55All right
22:56Ernst
22:57Answer this for me
22:58I've always wanted to know
22:59What's with the fucking umlaut?
23:01Huh?
23:02Oh my god
23:03This is what
23:04What
23:05What
23:06What
23:07What
23:08What
23:09What
23:10What
23:11What
23:12What
23:13What
23:14What
23:15What
23:16What
23:17What
23:18What
23:19What
23:20What
23:21What
23:22What
23:23What
23:24What
23:25What
23:26What
23:33A
23:35Look
23:36There's something I didn't tell you about my uncle
23:37You thought you'd wait until you got to the door, did you?
23:39čer
23:40It's not a big deal
23:41It doesn't look like you'd expect
23:42What
23:43At
23:44What do you mean?
23:52There is plenty of space
23:54The muscle is just outside
23:56And I will bring you some towels.
24:05What the fuck are you doing, Agent?
24:07You can't stay at the night as soon as you've got that gear.
24:09Fuck it off, do you want to tell?
24:11What hotel?
24:13What do you mean, what hotel?
24:15Well, I didn't book one. I just thought I'd tell you once I got here.
24:17Who the fuck does that?
24:18I thought you might have a spare bed in your room.
24:20Why would I have?
24:21There you go.
24:23Speak if you need anything else.
24:26We are only upstairs.
24:31I want that fucking book, Akitamo,
24:33and I'm not going home until you leave.
24:35God, your actions are not the actions of a reasonable man.
24:46It's like Morecambe and Wise, isn't it?
24:48Two grown men, shared in a room, separate beds,
24:52simpler time, you see.
24:54You said he'd give us a signal when they went to bed.
24:55Where is he?
24:56I don't want to let anything of it back then.
24:57Is this the same halcyon age when Jim Davidson were doing Chalky White
25:00and Benny Hill were chasing scantily clad women
25:02around the grounds of stately homes?
25:04Oh, come on.
25:05That's right.
25:06Sully it with your woke agenda.
25:08Uh-oh, fuck me.
25:10Everyone's fucking offended nowadays.
25:13It's because you can't say anything.
25:15Oh, my God.
25:16When we were kids, you got given a nickname, you just got on with it.
25:19When I was young, people used to call me Pid Shit Jimmy
25:22because I lived on a farm.
25:24And it hadn't done me any harm, has it, eh?
25:26Huh?
25:28I'm not so sure about that, love.
25:301
25:331
25:341
25:471
25:491
25:511
25:521
25:531
25:541
25:551
25:562
25:561
25:571
25:58Jim, get your fucking shoes on.
26:08We'll go on we out, Jim.
26:19Roar!
26:21Oh, hello.
26:23Someone's been on the Jager bombs.
26:26Keep your ass peeled, Jim.
26:28You remember what it looks like?
26:29Hey, fucking memory of a fox, man.
26:32The foxes have good memories.
26:33Well, if they haven't, why would they have said it?
26:38Willkommen, meine Damen und Herren, zum größten, berühmtesten Drinkwalk-Wettbewerb in Düsseldorf!
26:45Oh, how are you?
26:46Yes.
26:46Einnehmer will sich jetzt an der Bühne anmelden.
26:49Roar!
26:51What's going on here?
26:53What's going on, pal?
26:54It's a Drinkwalk-Wettbewerb.
26:56It's back in the English.
26:58Nein.
27:00But you'll speak fucking English.
27:02He's a rude man.
27:03Oh, yeah, it's fucking awful.
27:04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:05Well sponsored.
27:06Sorry, what the fuck is going on here?
27:08It is a famous Drinkwalk competition.
27:10Everyone has put in five Euro, and the winner gets to keep the pot of money.
27:13But the cash price, fuck it, I'm getting involved.
27:17Oh, no, no, no, no, Jim, Jim, no!
27:19No!
27:29Okay, now, stay.
27:32I couldn't get away.
27:34No, so.
27:35You took Granddad's car.
27:36Yeah, I noticed, does it?
27:37No, he went to bed, but he won't be happy if he finds out.
27:40A Drinkwalk-Wettbewerb competition, how fantastic.
27:44There's the man.
27:59Odd.
28:00Jacky-Man.
28:01Yeah, definitely.
28:02It is him and all.
28:02Yeah.
28:03Right, I've got him.
28:04He's trapped.
28:05Ah, look!
28:07Hey, helicopter!
28:09Ah, I'm going to know you're gone.
28:12Wow.
28:13Oh!
28:15Hey!
28:16Yeah!
28:18What?
28:19Yeah!
28:20Yeah, genau!
28:22Woo!
28:23That's been a two-topped, but it's two-topped, but it's two-topped.
28:25It's a better time, Rude.
28:27Oh, I'm so glad to hit the bucket.
28:30Yeah, hey!
28:31Fuck it up!
28:32It's the final.
28:33Here, please.
28:35Yeah, genau!
28:37Yes, Jim!
28:38Faster!
28:38Faster!
28:39Faster!
28:40Faster!
28:40Faster!
28:40Yeah!
28:41Fuck off!
28:42One-nil to me!
28:43I'll show you, sir.
28:44Fuck off!
28:45Oh, shit!
28:46Oh, boy!
28:47Oh, shit!
28:48No!
28:48Oh, shit!
28:51Ah, shit!
28:52He's gone!
28:52What?
28:53Fucking bubbleguck, he's gone!
28:54Oh, shit!
28:54Please give us no fucking sleep!
28:55Jesus Christ!
28:56Ah!
28:58Help!
28:58Help!
29:00I'm back in here!
29:01All right.
29:02And I...
29:03Oh, yeah.
29:08No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
29:11It's locked!
29:12It's fucking locked!
29:13Oh, there's a door release button.
29:14Oh, right, yeah.
29:16It's my car park.
29:18Oh, there.
29:19It's him.
29:19It's me fucking out of your car.
29:21He's leaving.
29:22Oh, if we fucking block the way, he's not.
29:24Fucking hell.
29:36Yeah, man.
29:39JK, man.
29:42Why is he just staring at us?
29:47No!
29:49Oh, no, no, no, no!
29:50Ah!
29:51Ah!
29:52Granddad's car!
29:53Big fucking iron car!
29:54Why would it fucking move?
29:55Would you like to taxi and show them?
29:58No, no, no, no, no!
30:01Ah!
30:02Oh, there's inducer it off.
30:04Ah!
30:05What's the worst that could happen?
30:06Ah!
30:07Ah!
30:08I have an idea.
30:09Ah!
30:10No, no, no, no, no, no!
30:11Look at that!
30:12How do you want to be?
30:14Ah!
30:15Ah!
30:16Ah!
30:17Ah!
30:18Ah!
30:19Ah!
30:20Ah!
30:21Oh!
30:22That's not good.
30:23Ah!
30:24Ah!
30:25Ah!
30:26Ah!
30:27Ah!
30:28Oh!
30:29That's not good.
30:30Oh!
30:31Ah!
30:32Oh!
30:33Ah!
30:34Ah!
30:35Ah!
30:36Ah!
30:37Ah!
30:38Ah!
30:39Ah!
30:40Ah!
30:41Delo what?
30:42I'm having that.
30:43Ah!
30:44Ah!
30:45Ah!
30:46Ah!
30:47Ah!
30:48Ah!
30:49Nothing back here.
30:51Oh, jackpot!
30:52His mobile telephone!
30:54Let's get this cunt into our car.
30:56Are we taking him to the hospital?
30:57No, we fuck.
30:58This bastard's a bargaining chip.
31:00Is it chip or is it cheat?
31:02Dad, I don't like this.
31:03I think I might be out of my depth.
31:05I can't take a man hostage.
31:07Look, love, you're only hostage
31:08if you're being held against your will.
31:11And he's gagging to come with us, aren't you, mate?
31:15Get me the fuck out of here!
31:17They're all fucking psychos!
31:20There we go!
31:21Ah, don't you like that, you great German shit?
31:25Right, here is the plan.
31:27We're going to bell Boseman up off Lado's phone.
31:29Boseman's going to pick up the phone
31:30because he thinks it's one of his guys calling.
31:32Then we're going to say to him,
31:32or rather you're going to say to him
31:34because you speak German.
31:35You're not getting your lad back
31:36until we get
31:37A. Our passport
31:38B. Our luggage
31:41and C. The fucking gear that he stole from us.
31:44I can't do that.
31:45No, no, darling.
31:47If we don't get our passports back,
31:48we can't go on.
31:49And as much as you might be the nation
31:50who invented socks and sandals,
31:52you do not deserve
31:53a crusty old racist farmer.
31:54Fine.
31:55Give me the telephone.
31:57Huh?
31:57But I wanted to do it my way
31:58with politeness.
32:00Good for you.
32:00Good lad.
32:01Nice.
32:02Politeness?
32:02Are you fucking sure he's your kid?
32:04Says the man with a super smart lesbian daughter.
32:07Lesbian?
32:08As in?
32:10He's a fucking lesbian.
32:11Didn't you sleep with women?
32:12What do you think I'm...
32:13Oh my God, did you not know that?
32:14You're saying that my alley
32:15is a fucking donut bumper?
32:17Jim, honestly,
32:18as much as it might be difficult
32:19for you to get your head around
32:20the fact that you have spawned a homosexual,
32:22maybe she'd be grateful, you know,
32:23because she's a lovely young woman, isn't she?
32:25This is her fucking mother, this.
32:26I told her not to introduce her to fucking hockey.
32:29All them young girls,
32:30short skirts,
32:31big wooden fucking sticks.
32:32I worry about your world view.
32:34I really do, Jim.
32:35Hey, look,
32:36there's a place here
32:36half a mile away.
32:37Look, it says,
32:38catering for all erotic desires.
32:40Jesus Christ, Jim,
32:42if you mention Bukaki
32:42one more fucking time!
32:44You fucking promise you'd help me.
32:46No, no, no, no, no.
32:46Factually inaccurate, that.
32:47What I seem to recall happening
32:49is you following me
32:50to a foreign nation
32:51like a fucking sex-dementor.
32:53What do you say, love?
32:55He said,
32:56you can keep him.
32:58What?
32:59The man in the back,
33:00he said,
33:00I don't care,
33:01keep him.
33:06Fucking hell!
33:08Fucking hell!
33:09Fuck you, Germany!
33:14Oh, fucking Lillie.
33:16Fill your boots.
33:17Actually,
33:17don't fill your boots.
33:18Wish you not said that.
33:19It's a horrible image.
33:23Grandad isn't going to be
33:24very happy about the car.
33:25That's a fucking understatement.
33:27Well, to be honest, love,
33:27I reckon your grandad's opinion
33:28of me wasn't that high
33:29to begin with.
33:31What makes you say that?
33:32Hmm?
33:33Oh.
33:35Code to hunch.
33:37And your mum.
33:38Fuck you, no?
33:38She was a bit, uh...
33:39Cool.
33:40Frosty.
33:41Ice-cold.
33:42You know?
33:43Mum is the sort of person
33:44who keeps her emotions
33:45inside herself.
33:47She would have been nervous
33:47about seeing you again,
33:49I think.
33:50Hmm.
33:50I suppose I'm just a stranger to her.
33:52Aren't I?
33:53I'm just, uh...
33:54someone she had a
33:54youthful fling with
33:56many moons ago.
33:57Nothing more.
33:58Nothing less.
33:59Sorry, sweetheart.
34:00Is it just me?
34:01Or...
34:01It seemed very much like
34:02those two men over there
34:03are heading this way
34:04with rather large sledgehammers.
34:06They are definitely
34:09coming in this direction.
34:14I mean,
34:15no one else were here.
34:16No one's for us,
34:17so they can't be here for...
34:18What?
34:22Release Lucas!
34:24How the fuck?
34:24They're not easier.
34:25Release him now.
34:27Dad, this is scary.
34:28No, no, no, no.
34:29Sweetheart,
34:29they're trying to frighten us,
34:30aren't they?
34:30Okay, I'll handle this.
34:33Guten Abend.
34:34Guten Abend.
34:35Ja, ja.
34:36Den...
34:36Sledgehammer.
34:37I have to say,
34:38put down the sledgehammer.
34:39Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
34:41Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
34:43Just speak English.
34:44Your German is worse
34:45than a three-year-old.
34:46Listen, right,
34:47I've told Boseman,
34:48we'll release him
34:49when we get our passports
34:50and the gear you sold.
34:51Now!
34:52Or we fuck up your car more.
34:54It's not my car,
34:54it's my son's granddad's.
34:55So...
34:55Your son's granddad's?
34:57So, not your father,
34:58but your wife's father?
34:59No, she's not my wife.
35:00Actually, either.
35:01In fact, I barely even know her.
35:02We had a brief sexual encounter
35:04two decades ago.
35:06And you didn't use protection.
35:07Okay, no.
35:08How did you find us?
35:09Find my phone app.
35:11Of course.
35:11Fucking hell!
35:12Everyone has this.
35:14Right, no, listen.
35:15Listen, right.
35:15We had a fair deal.
35:17And Boseman
35:18shafted us
35:19right at the asshole.
35:20And this dickhead
35:21in the back
35:22is written off my hire car.
35:24Didn't take the insurance?
35:25No, I did not.
35:26Look,
35:27I am going to count to three.
35:29And then you release Lucas.
35:31You don't just fucking like it, love.
35:32We're not giving him back
35:33until we get
35:34what's rightfully ours.
35:35Eins.
35:36We have to let him go.
35:37They're bluffing.
35:38Spy.
35:38I don't think they're bluffing.
35:39Of course they're bluffing
35:40fucking in front of the car,
35:41aren't they?
35:41Could run them over.
35:42I'll run them over.
35:42Don't run them over.
35:43Drive.
35:46See?
35:46What'd I say?
35:47Bluffing.
35:49Ah!
35:49Ah!
35:49Ah!
35:49Ah!
35:50Ah!
35:50Ah!
35:51Ah!
35:51Ah!
35:52Fucking hell!
35:52Ah!
35:52Ah!
35:53Ah!
35:53Stop the car,
35:54drive away!
35:54Ah!
35:54Ah!
35:55Ah!
35:55Ah!
35:56Ah!
35:56Ah!
35:57Ah!
35:57Ah!
35:58Don't do that!
35:58Ah!
35:59Ah!
35:59Ah!
36:00Ah!
36:00Ah!
36:01Ah!
36:01Ah!
36:02Ah!
36:02Ah!
36:03Ah!
36:03Ah!
36:04Wow!
36:04Ah!
36:05Don't eat it!
36:06He's open to the doors!
36:07No,
36:07he not!
36:07Eat!
36:08It's coming!
36:09Ow!
36:10Ow!
36:10Open the fucking car door,
36:12although he slashed a gun in the car
36:13Oh!
36:14Ow!
36:15Ah!
36:24Despino,
36:24step away from the fucking back!
36:27Hors!
36:27Yes!
36:30Oh, god.
36:31Come on, peep!
36:34What do you say? Follow us?
36:40Oh, throw the phone out the window.
36:41Phone, the phone, throw the phone out the window!
36:42Or I could turn off, find my phone.
36:44Yeah, yeah, I'll do that, yeah, yeah.
36:46Thank you for saving us.
36:47Excuse me the deed?
36:48The deed, if you've done the deed, if you've done the deed,
36:49no he fucking isn't.
36:51What are you doing with him in the back?
36:53We can't take him back to my grandparents' house.
36:55Explaining the car is going to be bad enough
36:56without a hostage in the pool.
36:58He's not a hostage, he's free to go at any time.
37:00Have a fever, have a fever!
37:02Uncle Jay took a shine to you, told me in the kitchen.
37:06You said you were a keeper.
37:08Yeah, I bet you did.
37:10Fuck off.
37:12And you said you'd get us some work.
37:14Yeah, what kind of work?
37:16You know, like...
37:18I don't know, but we can trust him.
37:20It'll be good.
37:22Now then, admit it.
37:25How sexy did you find me robbing that shop?
37:30Come on.
37:32You know you did.
37:33Did not.
37:34You did.
37:35Did not.
37:36You loved it.
37:43Debbie!
37:44Liz says you're up here, is that right?
37:55Debbie?
37:56I've told you the name Alfred Barnard.
37:57Jesus fucking Christ.
37:58Of course you stood right there.
37:59Bloody terrifying.
38:00Stop.
38:01Stop being Alfred Barnard for a minute.
38:02I know it's you.
38:03Hey.
38:04Liz has told me that you've demanded to move in here a little bit.
38:07Demanded?
38:08Why are you still doing the voice?
38:09Listen.
38:10She told me that you're like a crazy woman in an attic.
38:13Are you listening?
38:14The only time she ever sees you is when you want sustenance.
38:16And to the best of her knowledge, you've been in this fucking room for three bloody weeks.
38:18Is that true?
38:19She likes to talk, doesn't she, Miss Jones?
38:20Yeah, but listen, I'm worried about you, Davey.
38:21I've stayed in the crow's nest before.
38:22It fucking sucks.
38:23Did you know that that television console has only got free view?
38:24Right.
38:25I've spent my days watching reruns of A Place in the Sun.
38:26Ooh.
38:27One couple wanted to sell their house in Burnley and relocate to Fuerteventura.
38:29What?
38:30What?
38:31What?
38:32What?
38:33What?
38:34What?
38:35What?
38:36What?
38:37What?
38:38What?
38:39What?
38:40What?
38:41What?
38:42What?
38:43What?
38:44What?
38:45What?
38:46What?
38:47What?
38:48What?
38:49What?
38:50What?
38:51What?
38:52What?
38:53What?
38:54Imagine idiocy.
38:55What's going on?
38:56What the fuck's happened?
38:57Somebody made it abundantly clear that they wanted me dead.
39:04I can smell your balls from it.
39:09I'm sorry, dude.
39:10You haven't been showering.
39:11I had a flannel wash this morning.
39:12Thank you very much.
39:13Come on.
39:14We're going for a drive.
39:15Tell me what's going on.
39:16What?
39:17What?
39:18What?
39:19What?
39:20What?
39:21What?
39:22What?
39:23What?
39:24What?
39:25What?
39:26What?
39:27What?
39:28What?
39:29What?
39:30What?
39:31What?
39:32What?
39:33What?
39:34What?
39:35That?
39:36And then, one night, I woke up and I could feel something wet in the bed alongside me
39:44and I was thinking, what in the earth can that be?
39:47I'm alone in bed.
39:49What could be wet down there?
39:51Ugh.
39:52Oh, fucking hell, what was it?
39:54You've seen The Godfather?
39:55Yeah.
39:56I assume with the horse's head.
39:57You're joking, wasn't I?
39:58Was it that?
39:59Ugh.
40:00Worse.
40:01Ugh.
40:02Oh, Donna.
40:03No.
40:04No.
40:05I won't give a shit about that.
40:07No.
40:08It was.
40:09Ugh.
40:10Ugh.
40:11Ugh.
40:12Ugh.
40:13Ah!
40:14Oh!
40:15Oh, fuck me, the exotic zoo.
40:18Yes, correct, Vincent.
40:19Shit.
40:20There was a note telling me that if I didn't leave that evening, then it would be my head
40:25in my mother's bed.
40:27Shit.
40:28Shit indeed, sweetheart.
40:30I'm not ashamed to say it, it shook me.
40:33Do you know who it was?
40:35It was that cross-dressing cunt, Kittens.
40:37Oh.
40:38Revenge for McCann.
40:40And why did I get McCann killed?
40:43Hmm?
40:44For you.
40:45To help you.
40:46And now, look.
40:47Comes back to haunt me.
40:49Well, I mean, it suited you down to the fucking ground, didn't it, and all.
40:52Didn't be in, Dad.
40:53Shh.
40:54What?
40:55What's that?
40:56That's Demi Shrewsos.
40:57Who the fuck's that?
40:58Demi Shrewsos.
40:59It's my mother's favourite.
41:00Who the fuck did you tell were you?
41:01I haven't told anyone we're up here, you fucking nutcase.
41:02I don't know.
41:03Jesus, what's wrong with you?
41:04This is how it ends.
41:05On a cold, lonely road.
41:06With you.
41:07About my side.
41:08Oh, quick.
41:09We'd better run.
41:10Give away.
41:11He's a man on his way home.
41:12He's just a random dickhead.
41:13Vincent!
41:14Quick!
41:15Hans, get inside.
41:40And you in.
41:41Where have you been?
41:46That is a very long story.
41:52Leading my boy astray?
41:54What are you doing here, Tomo?
41:56Why did you come here?
41:59I sometimes wish he had never found you.
42:01You should have left the past in the past.
42:04You'd like that, wouldn't you?
42:06Pretend I don't exist.
42:09That's alright, love.
42:12Your dad let the cat out of the bag.
42:14Why?
42:15You didn't want to let me know that I had a son.
42:17Yeah.
42:18Yeah.
42:19What did he say?
42:21He said them.
42:29It's alright.
42:30When you're me.
42:31When you grow up like I grew up.
42:34Shipped parents.
42:35Bounced round from Kerom to Kerom.
42:37People have a certain way of looking at you.
42:40They don't have high hopes for you.
42:44And you've got school and careers and all that.
42:48And they do the same thing.
42:49You've got best condescending.
42:51Pat on the back.
42:52But basically you are fucking nothing.
42:54You're nothing.
42:55And you're always going to be nothing.
42:57Right.
42:58And so you have to just sort of either fall in line without thinking.
43:02Or like fight.
43:03Fight back.
43:04You know.
43:05Fight to prove yourself.
43:08Prove those dickheads wrong.
43:10It follows you.
43:11It follows you.
43:12Erm.
43:13And.
43:14And you know.
43:15People looking down on you.
43:16And thinking that you're nothing.
43:17Thinking that you're worthless.
43:18And you're shit.
43:19It follows you around.
43:20I've fucking tried.
43:22I fought really hard.
43:23Right.
43:24To.
43:25And I'll keep fighting now.
43:27For him.
43:28For my lad.
43:29And for you.
43:30To prove to your dad.
43:31And fucking sixteen year old you.
43:34That I'm not shit actually.
43:35And that I can make something of my life.
43:37I didn't tell you I was pregnant.
43:47Because.
43:48I was scared you'd reject me.
43:51I felt like I loved you.
43:56And I wanted to have your child.
43:59But.
44:00I was scared you'd tell me to get rid of it.
44:03I thought about you so much.
44:08Over the years.
44:09And I did want to tell you.
44:11But.
44:12Weeks turned to months.
44:14And.
44:19I'm glad you didn't get rid of him.
44:20Cause he's the best thing.
44:21In my whole life.
44:22Sorry.
44:23You know.
44:24You.
44:25You have to have.
44:26Fantastic job.
44:27You really have.
44:28God.
44:29I'm sorry for all this mad shit.
44:30That I fucking got him into now.
44:31You're both back safe.
44:32And.
44:33Apart from the state of my father's car.
44:34Hopefully it's all done and dealt with now.
44:35It is.
44:36Yeah it is.
44:37Except for the fellas tied up in the boot.
44:38Hello world.
44:39This is a target of golf.
44:40And.
44:41I feel like.
44:42I feel like.
44:43I feel like.
44:44I feel like.
44:45I feel like.
44:46I feel like.
44:47I feel like.
44:48I feel like.
44:49I feel like.
44:50I feel like.
44:51I feel like.
44:52I feel like.
44:53I feel like.
44:54I feel like.
44:55I feel like.
44:56I feel like.
44:57I feel like.
44:58I feel like.
44:59I'm sure you have done worse.
45:01I hope you're carrying short and fuck you and your shit car.
45:03You damn arshos.
45:04Hey.
45:05I feel like.
45:06Hey.
45:07Hey.
45:08Hey.
45:09Hey.
45:10Hey.
45:11Hey.
45:12Hey.
45:13Hey.
45:15Hey.
45:16Hey.
45:17Hey.
45:18Hey.
45:19Hey.
45:20Hey.
45:21Hey.
45:22Hey.
45:23Hey.
45:24Joyriders, innit? Joyriders.
45:31We'll say we went for an early walk, and when we came back, daddy's car was gone.
45:38Must have been stolen in the night.
45:41Veronica, you are a fucking angel.
45:45You're an angel in one form.
45:46And speaking of which, I hear that your father is an angel investor,
45:51and I was wondering if, you know, maybe if I'm getting my briefs again,
45:53if you might be able to facilitate a business discussion.
45:59Let's see what we can do.
46:09Oh, good morning.
46:13Oh, good morning, Gator.
46:15Just recovering from last night.
46:17Oh, how would you like to start the day off in the sun?
46:22Oh, no, I'm not sure about that either.
46:25I think you find it invigorating.
46:29Come on.
46:30Uh, okay.
46:33Yeah, go in.
46:35We heard what you said.
46:38What you are looking for.
46:42We are very open-minded people.
46:46Sexually.
46:47For fuck's sake.
46:59I negotiated with both men.
47:01He now has a membership to my club.
47:03Mila, you are an absolute fucking superstar.
47:06Search this car, though, eh?
47:08Carst.
47:09You took the insurance?
47:10Yes.
47:10Yes.
47:10Yes.
47:10Yes.
47:10Yes.
47:10Yes.
47:11Yes.
47:11Yes.
47:11Yes.
47:11Yes.
47:11Yes.
47:11Yes.
47:12Yes.
47:12Yes.
47:13Yes.
47:13Yes.
47:14Yes.
47:14Yes.
47:15Yes.
47:15Yes.
47:16Yes.
47:16Yes.
47:17What do you mean you're going back to school?
47:18It's a school reunion.
47:19Let's get smashed.
47:20Meet me in the science lab.
47:22Oh!
47:22That body was destined to be in a leotard on a stage.
47:25Ashley.
47:25You look like you want to hit me.
47:26Fuck.
47:27Fuck.
47:27I was bullied A2.
47:29I could get TJ and you could get mine.
47:31I think Caron 8 is about to do something really stupid.
47:33What the fuck?
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