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#drama #cdrama #romantic
#drama #cdrama #romantic #love #movie #shortdrama
#drama #cdrama #romantic
#drama #cdrama #romantic #love #movie #shortdrama
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Short filmTranscript
00:01This programme contains very strong language, adult humour and adult themes.
00:16Fucking stare to that. Honestly.
00:18You said I'm in a perfectly good passport for us.
00:20Isn't it your back looking half way between Pablo Escobar and a local paedophile?
00:23I think you look cute. I'll tell you what. I was ten years younger.
00:26Sorry, no offence, Elizabeth, but we have done good authority that you do in fact have a cursed vagina.
00:33Bewitched.
00:34It's wise.
00:35And B, I think it's entirely inappropriate for you to be flirting with me because I am to be your future manager.
00:43Oh, dear God.
00:45After the financial bloody clusterfuck you made of the rat and cut, you know you're going to buy this, are you?
00:50Not buy it, Vincent. Lease it.
00:52And no, I haven't made a fucking clusterfuck of it. I've turned the rat and cutter around.
00:55Now I've got my sights set on this place.
00:58And you're doing what you always do. Fucking bull at a shagging gate.
01:02Just do one thing at a time, man.
01:04It's exactly not the advice of every great entrepreneur. And I should not. I watch a lot of dragons then.
01:08Yep. Well get that fucking jukebox fixed then. And get some bar snacks.
01:12Why is he always here?
01:13When I was young, his bloke used to come round with a basket of fish.
01:17And we all used to say to him, have you got crabs?
01:22You know, for a laugh.
01:24What, the good old days, was it?
01:26They had you in here enough times.
01:27Well, I say in here, you were in the van in the car park with a packet of prawn cocktail, Chris.
01:32Yeah, I know. Seeing as I drove you home on more than one occasion.
01:35How are you going to afford this when all your money's wrapped up in the rat and cutter?
01:39Well, therein lies a very cunning plan. One which involves me going for four days to Dusseldorf to meet Veronica, my son's mother, and her...
01:47Drum roll, please.
01:50Her very wealthy parents!
01:52Ooh!
01:53Yeah.
01:54Why would Hans' German grandparents buy a fucking rundown pub in Hawley?
01:58I've asked Hans, and it turns out his grandad is an angel investor.
02:01So all I've got to do is turn on me natural pizzazz and a few well-placed lies, and ka-ching!
02:07Liz Jones and her cursed fanny are my new employees.
02:10Why is it cursed?
02:11Please, can we not talk about my mother's fanny?
02:14It's dangerous. It's killed several men, hasn't it?
02:17Listen, only eight men have died. The other 53 are roaming around quite happy, thank you.
02:22That number's gone up.
02:23Yeah, well, it will.
02:24Here, here. I ain't never died mid-pump.
02:27Just the one.
02:28What's it like, Dusseldorf? Hot-bedded filth and debauchery, no doubt.
02:33That's a beautiful city, beautiful, yeah. Affamed for its iconic Rhine Tower.
02:37Although, I do have, you know, a few contacts over there in the debauchement industry,
02:42and I will be frequenting those for a few days prior to toddling off and meeting the parents.
02:47Anyway, love to chat, must fly, and, er, as they say in Germany,
02:52Hasta la vista, cunts!
02:55Dusseldorf, not in Spain.
02:57We'll be back.
03:02Yeah!
03:07Oh my gosh.
03:16Uh...
03:18Oh my gosh.
03:21Come with us.
03:22Hello, Mr. Schaffner.
03:30Speaking.
03:31There is a visitor here in reception wishing to see you.
03:33A visitor? Who is that?
03:35He says his name is Bernard Law Montgomery.
03:39The best things in life are free
03:42But you can give them to the birds and bees
03:46What in the name of Jesus H fuck are you doing here?
03:53Hey, I got your hotel details from Vinnie.
03:55Bought myself a cheap flight over.
03:57Come fly.
03:59Absolutely fucking straight airline.
04:02Why would you do that?
04:03Why would you make such a strange and fucking incorrect decision?
04:08You monkey-hole pew.
04:09We all nearly died that day, Tom, on that coach.
04:12You weren't even fucking on it.
04:14I was fucking on the tractor.
04:16Getting fucking dragged to the untimely end.
04:19Yeah, well, not that untimely, eh, Jim.
04:21Right, come on, off you fuck.
04:23Allé.
04:23And I made a vow that day
04:25that all the things I've been putting off
04:27had to get done.
04:28Right.
04:29Fucking carpe diem.
04:30Fucking bucket list.
04:31Right, and what, you've always dreamed of visiting Dusseldorf?
04:34Have you? Is that right?
04:35That's the pronunciation? Dusseldorf.
04:39Bukkake.
04:40Buk?
04:41I'm so sorry about this.
04:42No, sorry.
04:43Fuck.
04:44Did you say bukkake?
04:45Yeah, yeah.
04:45Well, he's famous for it over here, isn't it?
04:47All the underground what-nots and that.
04:49And you know all the fucking right places.
04:52Right, okay.
04:53I can't believe there's something to me.
04:56Right, how do I put it?
04:57Jim, fuck off,
04:59you monkey-hole scrotum,
05:01get on the next fucking overcrowded
05:02shitty flight back home.
05:04There we go.
05:05Avanti.
05:05Bon show.
05:06Hey, hang on.
05:07Some people want to fucking skydive
05:09or fucking go to the Great Barrier Reef.
05:12This is my Taj Mahal, Tomo.
05:15My Great Wall of China.
05:21Good luck to you.
05:24Fine.
05:26I'll just ask around then.
05:28Fuck.
05:36Fucking hell.
05:37Fine.
05:38Jim, I do know people and do know a place.
05:41But listen to me.
05:42Right, mark my words.
05:43Are you marking me?
05:43Heed me.
05:44Heed me.
05:45Jim, right.
05:46When you have shot your muggy little wad,
05:48that's us done.
05:49Right, you're finished.
05:50We are not.
05:51I repeat, we are not
05:52on a mini-break
05:53together.
05:54Yeah, absolutely don't.
06:04Fuck it.
06:07Jesus Christ, Jim.
06:08You've got crisps in your behalf, love.
06:09For fuck's sake.
06:10No.
06:11Fucking hell.
06:12Thomas.
06:13Mila.
06:14Meine Kleine.
06:15Frau Leiner.
06:16This is my friend James.
06:18I say friend, I mean,
06:19he's more of a rancid old farmer
06:20I'm only acquaintances with
06:21because we grow weed under his land.
06:24Charmed to meet you.
06:25Hi.
06:26So I understand you are here
06:28for the bukkake?
06:29That's right.
06:30Okay.
06:31We do classic bukkake here.
06:33Three men, one woman.
06:36Okay.
06:39What if I
06:40want you to be on my knees?
06:43Oh.
06:44This is extra.
06:45Do you have cash?
06:46Oh, yeah.
06:47Come for you, Papa.
06:49Why, sir?
06:49I don't know.
06:51Go to my band.
06:55And we'll be joined by Anton and Dieter.
06:58Don't be intimidated.
07:00They're extremely large,
07:01but just follow their lead.
07:03Congratulations.
07:04Yeah, right.
07:06So, off we go.
07:08Go.
07:09Good luck,
07:09and don't be too gross, eh?
07:14Hmm.
07:14Oh, sorry, man.
07:17Fuck it now.
07:19Ah,
07:19guten outfit.
07:21Ah,
07:22sehr gut.
07:26Dad,
07:27are you in Düsseldorf?
07:28Hands, son.
07:29I am indeed, yes.
07:30I'm currently soaking up
07:33the cultural highlights
07:34of this fine city.
07:36Fucking hell.
07:38Sorry, love.
07:38I've just seen a cathedral.
07:40Do you want to meet
07:40at Grandma and Grandpapa's house
07:42or before?
07:43And Mommy can't wait to see you.
07:45Really?
07:45Oh, yes.
07:46She says it will be strange
07:47after all the years,
07:48but also...
07:49Oh, wunderbar.
07:50They're doing dinner
07:51at 6 p.m.
07:51Right.
07:52Well, listen,
07:52I've got a few things
07:53to clear up here first,
07:54but ping me over the address.
07:56I've got a higher car,
07:57so I suppose I can,
07:58uh,
07:59toodle...
07:59Oh, shit.
08:02Hands, love,
08:03I'll see you at 6,
08:04all right?
08:05Fucking hell, Tim.
08:06Tim!
08:07The fuck have you done, you?
08:09Me?
08:09Nothing.
08:09I said,
08:10I said,
08:11don't be too gross.
08:11Did I not say that?
08:12I wasn't.
08:13I mean,
08:14we were just getting to it,
08:15and I know I've got a bit
08:16of an intense,
08:17jack-off-face,
08:18but she just started crying
08:20and fled
08:21her fucking hand and dick.
08:22She's going to play it miserable.
08:23Oh, cunt sake!
08:25Mila,
08:26sweetheart,
08:27love, baby, angel,
08:28you all right in there?
08:29I'm sorry.
08:30No, no, no,
08:31don't, don't,
08:31you be sorry.
08:32He is a mangy cunt
08:33with a horrible jerk-off face.
08:34Just come out here
08:35and we can talk about it.
08:36It's all right.
08:37Ah!
08:39Fuck the apple!
08:40Hey,
08:40I'm sorry if it was me.
08:42I mean,
08:42the last thing I wanted you to do...
08:43No, no,
08:44it wasn't you.
08:45You're a gentleman.
08:46It's me.
08:49I shouldn't have come to work tonight.
08:52I'm just so worried.
08:54What's happened?
08:55My brother,
08:56Otto,
08:57he's in the hospital.
08:59He had a heart attack.
09:00Oh, that's terrible.
09:01Not our deal.
09:02I have his phone
09:03and he keeps getting
09:04these messages
09:05from someone named Bozeman.
09:09Right,
09:10so that's all in German,
09:11isn't it?
09:11So...
09:11He says,
09:14we want the gear.
09:15When and where.
09:16Don't ignore me.
09:18Fucking call me
09:19or I'll find you
09:20ass face.
09:23Ass face,
09:23right,
09:24that's a rare insult.
09:25That's insane.
09:26So what's,
09:26what's,
09:26what's got himself involved in?
09:30Envelopes.
09:35Why?
09:37Well,
09:38Otto runs the local post office
09:39and since the legalization
09:41of cannabis,
09:42people come here
09:43to smoke,
09:43to party
09:44from the UK,
09:45France
09:46and many of them
09:47get the idea
09:47to post drugs back home.
09:49So,
09:50they Google
09:50local post office.
09:52Otto's the first hit.
09:54So they wander in
09:55and ask,
09:56how much are you supposed
09:56to let her back to the UK?
09:58So he tells them
09:58the price of a stamp.
09:59Otto knows they're posting
10:01weed,
10:01mushrooms,
10:03then he throws them
10:04into a special red
10:05delivery bag.
10:06Which he then
10:07brings home with him
10:08because who's gonna
10:09make a complaint?
10:10Oh,
10:10my drugs never made it home?
10:11Fucking clever.
10:13Imperfect crime.
10:14But then,
10:14he didn't know
10:15what to do with them all.
10:16Hence,
10:17Bozeman.
10:18Fuck me,
10:18this is thousands
10:19of fucking pounds worth.
10:21Maybe tens of thousands.
10:23People pay 40,
10:2450 euros for mushrooms.
10:26Even more
10:26for the strong ones.
10:27But I can't get involved.
10:29I don't want trouble
10:30with the police.
10:31Ah,
10:32well,
10:32congratulations,
10:33Mila,
10:33because we deal
10:34with this sort of thing
10:35all the fucking time.
10:36For a small
10:36remuneration,
10:38i.e.
10:38cut of the profits,
10:39we could get
10:40some of the contents
10:41of these envelopes
10:42to Mr. Bozeman,
10:44Air Bozeman,
10:45if you will,
10:45Deutsche,
10:46very good,
10:47and, you know,
10:48make the transaction.
10:51You would do that for me?
10:52Mila,
10:53of course,
10:54mi casa resu casa.
10:55You can have the money,
10:56I don't need it.
10:5750-50,
10:57let's say that.
10:5880,
10:5920.
10:5960-40.
11:00Okay,
11:01I accept 60.
11:03Fucking well done.
11:04Thank you so much,
11:05Tom.
11:05Bitte schön.
11:07If you meet them,
11:09you might need someone
11:09who speaks German.
11:11Do you know anyone?
11:13Mila,
11:14would you believe it?
11:16And I just the man.
11:17Gary fucking easy.
11:32Listen,
11:32you could be right with this.
11:33You won't tell your mum,
11:35but it's just our little secret.
11:36Yes,
11:37it is exciting.
11:38Oh, yes.
11:38Like a movie.
11:39The illegal drop
11:40in a discreet location.
11:42Oh, yes,
11:42well, listen,
11:43that's how your father rolls.
11:44It's wall-to-wall
11:45adventure intriguing oh yes except we're meeting him around the back of a large
11:49garden furniture warehouse all right on that note avanti
11:59it's a quick in and out to stick to the plan and we'll be sitting steins on the
12:03rain bob's your uncle
12:21right jim you stay here with the gear and hansel go and negotiate i don't like this
12:28they've got nasty eyes they're probably going to kill us and dump our bodies in the seine
12:33the seine is in france you're missing the point i am this close to achieving a lifelong ambition
12:40and now i'm going to get shot in the face on some misguided envelope-based scam jim
12:45love how do i put this gently um shut the up you stupid old
12:50ah mr boseman wo ist otto tell him that we are colleagues and we have what he needs
13:07this is otto's colleague or like in otto is beschäftigt aber we have what you
13:11brought yeah
13:12yeah
13:12what do you mean we're not going to say it's why he'll for
13:14to make sure to make sure to make sure to make sure to make sure to make sure to make sure to make sure
13:19it's post-brexit-weihnachtsmann
13:25they say otto sent santa claus i think they mean jim and his two elves that's us to do his deal for
13:32him okay and then they did a bunch of follow-up stuff which is german humor and won't be funny to
13:36you okay i say was wollen diese zwerge now they are asking how much you want for the gear yes
13:41right we want 20 000 euro 20 000 euro 20 000 euro yeah yeah they say that santa must be drunk on
13:54all the whiskey if we want 20k they will give us 4k if we agree to fill their christmas stockings
14:05jesus christ some gentle humor this isn't it i have to tell him 15 grand and that's my final offer
14:1115 000. rude right right 10 10 grand and that's as low as i'll go seen 5 000. they say five
14:20remind those cunts who won the war no no jim we're not going down that route thank you very much all
14:24right nine nine grand nine grand and that is it that is as low as i'll go or may god strike jim down
14:29nine nine it's the best angebot eight fine don't fucking great now let's get the dough so we can get
14:37on with the pocacke tell them that we want to see the cash before the drugs get handed over we
14:42want to ask the kohle seen bitter kohle see sure they want a photograph with santa claus
14:51you are you for real yes they want to send it to a friend crikey all right right uh go on hey
14:58hey having a great beard does not make me santa claus oh my god raf putin had a great beard
15:03fucking fidel castro had a great beard glittin that's fucking self are you cunt he's wearing
15:07disposable gloves only killers wear disposable gloves maybe he's got a germ phobia go get the selfie
15:14love there we go there we go now now yeah yeah super cool here says the dying come come he says now one
15:23with all of us you know we're joking okay we're singing right yeah yeah lovely
15:37oh
15:48Ah
16:05My best shoes in that suitcase and me tingly body rub and me corn plasters
16:10You're honestly gonna go for that old fucking weird smorgasbord if nicked off with our fucking luggage our passports and my
16:17Fucking eye a car that I didn't get insured you didn't take the insurance. No, would you like to take the insurance?
16:22Yeah, four days in Dusseldorf was the worst that could happen
16:31We lost a car but we gained a jacket
16:36What do you think I've not got time for whimsy now love oh
16:40What's this?
16:42What was it? What is it?
16:44Browere Schumann 1030?
16:46That's a beer hall. That's a fucking meetup
16:48That's a fucking meetup? He's going there tonight
16:50Unless it was last night and he's just still in his pocket
16:52I swear to God man
16:54But dad we have to go to grandma and grandpa pass
16:56Ah
16:57In fact, we need to be there in 22 minutes
17:00Okay, okay. Here's what we're gonna do
17:02We're gonna go to the relatives, have a bit of din-dins, lovely
17:04Then early to bed and we sneak out and go retrieve what's rightfully ours
17:08Brilliant call an uber
17:10I've got a minute
17:12What about me getting what I came for?
17:14Jim, where the fucking room? Events have moved on
17:16So you're just gonna go off to dinner
17:18And leave me here in the middle of fucking nowhere
17:22You can come with us
17:24As you say in England
17:26The more of the people, the merrier the situation
17:28Nice one
17:30It's mummy
17:42This is a huge moment
17:44My mother and my father reunited after so many years
17:48Alright, alright, I'm coming
17:50Words which ironically led to your creation
17:52Mummy
17:54And that's what I said when I came
17:56Hans
17:58It's daddy
18:00Thomas
18:01Well, yes, it has been a very long time
18:03Yes
18:04Hello again
18:05Hello, Veronica
18:06Looking well
18:08Very, uh, Germanic
18:10With your hair like that and the raw neck and all that, you know
18:12And you look very English
18:16Thank you
18:17I think
18:18Who is this?
18:19This is Jim, a friend of dad's
18:20Ahem, good to meet you
18:21I've heard a lot about you
18:23Well, the 16-year-old you
18:25The one that liked cowgirl on school trip
18:27Jim
18:28Sorry
18:29About that
18:30Veronica
18:31Hans
18:32Papa
18:33Hi, hello
18:34Kinder
18:35So good to see you
18:38Buy a drink first, eh?
18:42I'll be at the circus
18:44Oh me
18:45My neighbor
18:47Opa
18:49Yeah
18:50That is my father
18:51Thomas
18:52Father
18:53And his friend Jim
18:54Friend
18:55Did you bring any luggage?
18:56We had it stolen
18:57I hope you have insurance
18:5950 quid
19:0050 quid
19:01Fuck that
19:02What's the worst that could happen?
19:03Never mind
19:04I'll lend you some of my briefs
19:05Let's go
19:06Come
19:07Did you say briefs?
19:08Yes
19:09Thomas, come hurry up, schnell
19:10This is our sauna
19:11And I built it with my own hands
19:12Just as Gitte is preparing us the most amazing feast
19:14And there's nothing more enticing for the appetite than a cold plunge
19:21Oh
19:22Oh
19:23Oh
19:24So
19:25The secret is, is complete submerging all the way to your neck
19:26And you hold it for two minutes and not a second less
19:28Two, two minutes, two full minutes
19:29Right
19:30Now follow me
19:32Now follow me
19:33Now you, come
19:34Okay
19:35Of your know
19:36Ha ha ha
19:37There goes
19:38There goes
19:39And there's nothing more enticing for the appetite than a cold plunge
19:41And there's nothing more enticing for the appetite than a cold plunge
19:43Oh
19:44So
19:45The secret is, is complete submerging all the way to your neck
19:47And you hold it for two minutes and not a second less
19:48Two, two minutes, two full minutes
19:49Right
19:50Now follow me
19:51Oh
19:52Oh
19:53Yeah
19:54Now you, come
19:55Okay
19:56Of your know
19:57Ha ha ha
19:58Here goes
20:03Test the water as it
20:04Whoa
20:05Hi
20:06Oh
20:07Fuck me
20:08Yes
20:09That's very, very cold actually
20:10Don't allow yourself to think about it
20:11Yes, no, I have thoughts about it
20:12And the brain is very much saying
20:13No, thank you
20:15So I'm just gonna go after a neck
20:16All right
20:17Count him in
20:18Fun
20:19Fun
20:20Vier
20:21Drei
20:22Zwei
20:23Eins
20:24I mentioned that I do have a heart defect
20:26And so I'm concerned this might bring about a cardiac arrest
20:29He is up
20:30Oh
20:31Oh
20:32Ha ha ha
20:33Ha ha
20:34Ha ha
20:35Ha ha ha
20:36Hey, reminds me of the Merchant Navy
20:38Oh my
20:39Except definitely we were all naked
20:40I'm fucking crazy
20:41Ah
20:42Hey, I'm just gonna get some wine from the Jane
20:45All right
20:46Oh, and get me some tampons will you
20:48I told you, use a moon cup
20:51Hey
20:52Just
20:53Get the tampons
20:54You get them
20:55You're not buying shitty single-use plastic
21:00Weirdo
21:12Here's my love
21:15Oh, it's my way today
21:16I'll put that in your drink
21:18Don't sweat the technique
21:23All right, fucking go
21:24Go
21:25Fucking joking
21:30Fuck's sake Faye
21:31You're meant to go in for a bottle of wine
21:33Yeah, well an opportunity arose
21:34Did you hit him then?
21:35Only gently
21:36Fuck me
21:37Thought we were leaving all this small-time shit behind
21:39And where are my fucking tampons, eh?
21:41That guy in there
21:42Who's probably just doing his fucking job
21:44Minimum wage
21:45Probably getting into all kinds of trouble now
21:47It's not right, Ali
21:48You're asking me to compromise my moral standpoint on these things
21:51My moral fucking standpoint
21:52As if you didn't just fucking smash a guy in the face for a couple of quid
21:56I fucking told you to use a mooncock
21:58Oh, fuck off
21:59Dankeschön
22:01Dankeschön
22:02Dankeschön
22:08So
22:09Ernst
22:10Or
22:11Perhaps now that we're related
22:12I could venture to call you Papa
22:15Keep it at Ernst
22:16Okay
22:17As you wish
22:18Listen, about earlier
22:19The whole ice plunge situation
22:21I think we got off the wrong foot, didn't we?
22:22Because you see
22:23The whole great outdoors
22:24It's not really my natural environment
22:26You know
22:27I'm more of a night-time economy guy
22:29You know
22:30Pubs, clubs, bars
22:31Where people can go and find fun and friendship
22:35Everyone to their own
22:36Mm
22:37And as it happens
22:38I do have a small portfolio of venues in the UK
22:42But I'm ever looking to expand
22:46I see
22:48Hans helped me financially
22:49To set up my flagship venue
22:51The Rat and Cutter
22:52And now
22:53I've got my little eye
22:54On another local bar
22:56Very up and coming
22:57And I was wondering
22:58And I was wondering
22:59If you might want to chat
23:00Investment opportunities
23:05You got my daughter pregnant
23:08Now let me ask you a question
23:10Why do you think
23:11Veronica never told you
23:12Did you handle his father?
23:14Because we met when we were very young
23:17And on a school exchange
23:19So
23:20It's one of them in it
23:21Yeah
23:22She went through hell
23:23She was 16 years old
23:25With a newborn child
23:26Couldn't go out with her friends
23:28Couldn't go on holidays
23:30She had to postpone college
23:34And why?
23:35Because some English boy
23:38Was the cheap to buy prophylactics
23:40A fucking condom
23:42Well
23:45It wasn't the expense as such
23:47She didn't tell you
23:48Because she thought
23:50You are a bad bet
23:53She thought
23:55Your life
23:56Will be chaotic
23:57And failing
23:59And even though
24:01She was physically
24:03Attracted to you
24:04At that age
24:06She was smart enough
24:07Even then
24:08To realize
24:09To realize
24:10She was the kind of guy
24:11That can't be relied upon
24:17Well
24:18How wrong was she, eh?
24:20Was she?
24:23I think of myself
24:24As a good judge of character
24:26It comes with my line of work
24:28And I think
24:29Veronica, my daughter
24:31She's two
24:32Alright
24:34Ernst
24:35Answer this for me
24:36I've always wanted to know
24:38What's with the fucking umlaut?
24:42Huh?
24:43Oh my god
24:44This is funny
25:00Look, there's something
25:01I didn't tell you about my uncle
25:02You thought you'd wait
25:03Till we got to the door, did you?
25:05It's not a big deal
25:06It's just
25:07Like you'd express
25:08Right?
25:09How do you mean?
25:17There is plenty of space
25:19Where?
25:20The bathroom is just outside
25:22What?
25:23And, er
25:24I will bring you some towers
25:26Thank you for all the joy and pain
25:31What the fuck are you doing, Agent?
25:33You can't stay at the night
25:34As soon as we've got that gear
25:35You're fucking off to your hotel
25:37What hotel?
25:40What do you mean, what hotel?
25:41Well, I didn't book one
25:42I just thought I'd saw it once I got here
25:44Who the fuck does that?
25:45I thought you might have a spare bed in your room
25:47Why? Why would I have?
25:49There you go
25:50Oh
25:51Speak
25:52If you need anything
25:53We are only upstairs
25:55I want that fucking book
26:00Akitamo
26:01And I'm not going home
26:02Until it's
26:03Blood
26:04Your actions
26:05Are not the actions of a reasonable man
26:07What a mess
26:08What a mess
26:09Darker shoes
26:10Oh, God
26:11It's like Morecambe and Wise, isn't it?
26:15Two grown men
26:17Shared in a room
26:19Separate beds
26:20Simpler time, you see
26:22He said he'd give us a signal when they went to bed
26:23Where is he?
26:24I don't want to let anything of it back then
26:26Is this the same halcyon age
26:27When Jim Davidson were doing Chalky White
26:29And Benny Hill were chasing scantily clad women
26:31Round the grounds of stately homes
26:32Oh, come on
26:34That's right
26:35Sully it with your woke agenda
26:38Oh, fuck me
26:39Everyone's fucking offended nowadays
26:42It's because you can't say anything
26:44Oh, my God
26:45When we were kids
26:46You got given a nickname
26:47You just got on with it
26:48When I was young
26:50People used to call me Pid Shit Jimmy
26:52Because I lived on a farm
26:54And it hadn't done me any harm, has it, eh?
26:56Eh?
26:58I'm not so sure about that, love
27:00Right
27:02Right
27:03Right
27:05Right
27:06EINE
27:08UND AUS
27:15EINE
27:18UND AUS
27:19EINE
27:20UND AUS
27:23Immer im Rhythmus.
27:38Jim, get your fucking shoes on.
27:41I'll go on my item.
27:43Run!
27:55Oh, hello. Someone's been on the Jagerbombs.
28:00Keep your eyes peeled, Jim. You remember what it looks like?
28:03Hey, fucking memory of a fox, mate.
28:05Foxes have good memories.
28:07Well, if they haven't, why would they have said it?
28:09Willkommen, meine Damen und Herren,
28:13zum größten, berühmtesten Drink-Walk-Wettbewerb in Düsseldorf.
28:18Oh, how are you? Yes.
28:20Die Teilnehmer werden sich jetzt an der Bühne anmelden.
28:23Prost!
28:25What the fuck's going on here?
28:27What's going on, Paul?
28:29Is this a Drink-Walk-Wettbewerb?
28:31It's back in the English.
28:33Nein!
28:35You don't speak fucking English?
28:37He's a rude man.
28:38Him? Oh, yeah, it's fucking awful.
28:39Yeah, yeah, yeah, well sponsored.
28:40Sorry, what the fuck is going on here?
28:43It is a famous Drink-Walk competition.
28:45Everyone has put in five Euro,
28:46and the winner gets to keep the pot of money.
28:48The cash prize?
28:50Fuck it, I'm getting involved.
28:52Oh, no, no, no, no, Jim, Jim, no!
28:55I couldn't get away.
28:56No, I saw.
28:57You took Grandad's car.
28:58Yeah, I noticed, does it?
28:59No, he went to bed, but he won't be happy if he finds out.
29:01For our participants!
29:02A drink-slash-walk competition.
29:03How fantastic!
29:04Yes, Jim!
29:05Yes, Jim!
29:06What?
29:07What?
29:08What?
29:09What?
29:10There's the man.
29:11What?
29:12Yeah, come on.
29:13Where?
29:14Where?
29:15Yeah, definitely.
29:16Well, it is him and all, yeah.
29:17What?
29:18We've got him.
29:19He's trapped.
29:20Look!
29:21Look!
29:22Look!
29:23Look!
29:24Look!
29:25Look!
29:26Look!
29:27Look!
29:28Look!
29:29Look!
29:30Look!
29:31Look!
29:32Look!
29:33Look!
29:34Look!
29:35Look!
29:36Look!
29:37Look!
29:38Look!
29:39Look!
29:40Look!
29:41Look!
29:42Look!
29:43Look!
29:44Look!
29:45Look!
29:46Hey, hey!
29:47Come on!
29:48I'm going to know you're going to!
29:49Wow!
29:51Oh!
29:52Hey!
29:53Yeah!
29:54Oh my God!
29:56What?
29:57Yeah!
29:59Yeah, exactly!
30:00Woo!
30:01That's a win!
30:02Two-top-set-set-set-set-set-set-set-set-set-set-set-set-set-set!
30:06I'm so glad you're going to hit the market right here!
30:09Yehey! Fuckin' hell!
30:15Yeah! Get out!
30:16Yes, Jim!
30:17Schneller!
30:19Punch on! Punch on! Punch on!
30:21Fuck off! One-nil on me!
30:22That was shite, sir!
30:23Fuck off!
30:33Shit, he's gone!
30:34First, give us the fuckin' sleep!
30:36Jesus Christ!
30:42Nice!
30:43You've got your nose!
30:49Fuckin' hell!
30:51No, no, no, no, no, no!
30:52It's locked!
30:53It's fuckin' locked!
30:54No, there's a door release button!
30:56Oh, right!
30:58It's my car park!
30:59Up there!
31:00Is it?
31:01It's me fuckin' eye a car!
31:03He's leaving!
31:04Well, if they fuckin' block the way, he's not!
31:20Check, mate!
31:22Why is he just staring at us?
31:34No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
31:36Red Dead's car!
31:38My fuckin' eye a car!
31:39Why would it fuckin' move?
31:41Would she like to taxi a show?
31:44No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
31:46I thought I was in Dusseldorf.
31:49What's the worst that could happen?
31:54I have an idea.
31:55No, no, no, no, no!
31:57Get down!
32:13Oh, that's not good.
32:17Oh.
32:21Oh, he's alive.
32:22Thank God.
32:23Hey!
32:25Tell you what, I'm having that.
32:28Deutschland!
32:29Five lights on.
32:30Right, you check the boot.
32:36Nothing back here.
32:37Oh, jackpot!
32:38His mobile telephone!
32:40Let's get this cunt into our car.
32:42Are we taking him to the hospital?
32:44Oh, we fuck.
32:45Oh, this bastard's a bargaining chip.
32:47Is it chip or is it cheat?
32:49Dad, I don't like this.
32:50I think I might be out of my depth.
32:52I can't take a man hostage.
32:54Look, love.
32:55You're only hostage if you're being held against your will.
32:58And he's gagging to come with us, aren't you, mate?
33:00Get me the fuck out of here!
33:04They're all fucking psychos!
33:06There we go!
33:08How do you like that, you great German shit?
33:10Right, here is the plan.
33:11We're going to bell Boseman up off Lado's phone.
33:13Boseman's going to pick up the phone because he thinks one of his guys is calling.
33:16Then we're going to say to him, or rather you're going to say to him because you speak German.
33:19You're not getting your lad back until we get A, our passport, B, our luggage, and C, the fucking gear that he stole from us!
33:32Gah!
33:33I can't do that.
33:34What?
33:35No, no, darling.
33:36If we don't get our passport back, we can't go on.
33:38And as much as you might be the nation who invented socks and sandals, you do not deserve a crusty old racist farmer.
33:43Fine.
33:44Give me the telephone.
33:46But I want to do it my way, with politeness.
33:49Good for you.
33:50Good lad.
33:51Nice.
33:52Politeness?
33:53Are you fucking sure he's your kid?
33:54Says the man with a super smart lesbian daughter.
33:57Lesbian?
33:58As in?
34:00He's a fucking lesbian.
34:01Then she sleeps with women.
34:02What do you think of?
34:03Oh my God, did you not know that?
34:04You're saying that my ally is a fucking donut bumper?
34:08Jim, honestly, as much as it might be difficult for you to get your head round the fact that you have spawned a homosexual,
34:13maybe she'd be grateful, you know, because she's a lovely young woman, isn't she?
34:16This is her fucking mother, this.
34:17I told her not to introduce her to fucking hockey.
34:20All them young girls, short skirts, big wooden fucking sticks.
34:24I worry about your world view, I really do, Jim.
34:26Hey, look, there's a place here half a mile away.
34:29Look, he says catering for all erotic desires.
34:32Jesus Christ!
34:33Jim, if you mention Bukaki one more fucking time!
34:36You fucking promise you'd help me.
34:38No, no, no, no, no.
34:39Factually inaccurate, that.
34:40What I seem to recall happening is you following me to a foreign nation like a fucking sex-dementor.
34:46What did he say, love?
34:48He said, you can keep him.
34:51What?
34:52The man in the back, he said, I don't care, keep him.
34:59Fucking hell!
35:01Fucking hell!
35:03Fuck you, Germany!
35:04I love you in the hallway.
35:07I love you in the hallway.
35:08I love you.
35:09Fill your boots!
35:10Actually, you don't fill your boots.
35:12I wish I'd not said that.
35:13It's a horrible image.
35:16Grandad isn't going to be very happy about the car.
35:19That's a fucking understatement.
35:20Well, to be honest, love, I reckon your grandad's opinion of me wasn't that high to begin with.
35:25What makes you say that?
35:26Mm.
35:27Oh.
35:28Mm.
35:29Cold hunch.
35:30And your mum.
35:31Fuck, you know.
35:32She's a bit, er...
35:33Cool.
35:34Frosty.
35:35Ass-cold.
35:36You know?
35:37Mum is the sort of person who keeps her emotions inside herself.
35:41Mm.
35:42She will have been nervous about seeing you again.
35:44I think.
35:45Mm.
35:46I suppose I'm just a stranger to her.
35:47Aren't I?
35:48I'm just, er...
35:49Someone she had a youthful fling with many moons ago.
35:52Nothing more...
35:53Nothing less...
35:54Nothing less...
35:55Is it just me?
35:56Or...
35:57It seemed very much like those two men over there.
35:59Or heading this way with...
36:00Rather large sledgehammers.
36:04They are definitely...
36:06Coming in this direction.
36:07Mm.
36:10I mean...
36:11No-one of us are here.
36:12No-one's followed us.
36:13So they can't be here for...
36:17Us?
36:19Release Lucas.
36:20How the fuck?
36:21They're not easier.
36:22Release him now.
36:23Dad, this is scary.
36:24Dad, this is scary.
36:25No, no, no, no, sweet.
36:26They're trying to frighten us, aren't they?
36:27I'll handle this.
36:30Guten Abend.
36:31Guten Abend.
36:32Ja, ja.
36:33Den...
36:34Sledgehammer.
36:35I have to say, put down the Sledgehammer.
36:36Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
36:38Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
36:40Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
36:41Just speak English.
36:42Your German is worse than a three-year-old.
36:44Listen.
36:45Right.
36:46I've told Boseman, we'll release him when we get our passports and the gear you stole.
36:49Now!
36:50Or we fuck up your car more.
36:52It's not my car, it's my son's granddad's, so...
36:54Your son's granddad, so not your father, but your wife's father.
36:58No, she's not my wife, actually, either.
37:00In fact, I barely even know her.
37:01We had a brief sexual encounter two decades ago.
37:04And you didn't use protection.
37:06Okay, no.
37:07How did you find us?
37:08Find my phone app.
37:10Of course.
37:11Everyone has this.
37:13Right, no, listen, listen, right, we had a fair deal.
37:16Hmm?
37:17And Boseman shafted us right at the asshole.
37:20And this dickhead in the back, he's written off my hire car.
37:23Didn't take the insurance?
37:24No, I did not.
37:26Look, I am going to count to three.
37:29And then you release Lucas.
37:31He does your fucking heart, love.
37:32We're not giving him back until we get what's rightfully ours.
37:35Eins.
37:36We have to let him go.
37:37They're bluffing.
37:38Spy.
37:39I don't think they're bluffing.
37:40Of course they're bluffing.
37:41In front of the car, aren't they?
37:42Could run them over.
37:43Don't run them over.
37:44Don't run them over.
37:45Drive.
37:47See?
37:48What'd I say?
37:49Bluffing.
37:50Ah!
37:51Ah!
37:52Ah!
37:53Ah!
37:54Ah!
37:55Stop the car!
37:56Drive away!
37:57They're gonna kill us!
37:58Ah!
37:59Don't do that!
38:00Do not do that!
38:01No!
38:02Fuck off!
38:03Ah!
38:04Ah!
38:05Fucking hell!
38:06You fucking hell!
38:07Don't you!
38:08He's opening the doors!
38:09No, he's not.
38:10Ah!
38:11He's coming!
38:12Ah!
38:13Open the fucking car door while we slash your granddaddy's tire!
38:16Ah!
38:17Ah!
38:18Help me!
38:19Ah!
38:20Ah!
38:21No!
38:22No!
38:23No!
38:24No!
38:25No!
38:26Find out!
38:27Does he know?!
38:28Step away from the fucking vehicle!
38:29Yes!
38:30Fucking hell!
38:31Oh God!
38:32The door!
38:33Come on, Jim!
38:34Get out!
38:35Ah!
38:36Ah!
38:37Ah!
38:38Ah!
38:39Ah!
38:40Cunt!
38:41What if they follow us?
38:42Oh, throw the phone out the window.
38:43The phone!
38:44Throw the phone out the window!
38:45Or I could turn off.
38:46Find my phone.
38:47Yeah, yeah.
38:48No I'll do that.
38:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:50Thank you for saving us.
38:51Excuse the deed!
38:52Huh? The date. If you don't date it, the date done.
38:54No, he fucking isn't.
38:56What are you going to do with him in the bath?
38:57We can't take him back to my grandparents' house.
39:00Explaining the car is going to be bad enough without a hostage in the booth.
39:03He's not a hostage. He's free to go out any time.
39:08Uncle Jay took a shine to you. He told me in the kitchen.
39:11You said you were a keeper.
39:13Yeah, I bet he did.
39:15Fuck off.
39:17And you said you'd get us some work.
39:20Yeah, what kind of work?
39:22You know, like...
39:25I don't know, but we can trust him. It'll be good.
39:27Mm.
39:28Now then, admit it.
39:32How sexy did you find me robbing that shop?
39:35Come on.
39:38You know you did.
39:39Did not.
39:40You did.
39:42Did not.
39:42You loved it.
39:50Baby!
39:51Liz says you're up here.
39:53Is that right?
40:02Davey?
40:08Davey, love.
40:09I've told her the name Alfred Barnard.
40:12Jesus fucking crap.
40:13Of course you stood right there.
40:15Bloody terrifying.
40:17Stop.
40:17Stop being Alfred Barnard for a minute.
40:19I know it's you.
40:21Hey.
40:21Liz has told me that you've demanded to move in here a little bit.
40:25Demanded?
40:26Why are you still doing the voice?
40:28Listen.
40:29She told me that you're like a crazy woman in an attic.
40:32Are you listening?
40:32The only time she ever sees you is when you want sustenance.
40:35And to the best of her knowledge, you've been in this fucking room for three bloody weeks.
40:39Is that true?
40:40She likes to talk, doesn't she, Miss Jones?
40:43Yeah.
40:44But listen, I'm worried about you, Davey.
40:46I've stayed in the crow's nest before.
40:48It fucking sucks.
40:49Did you know that that television console has only got free view?
40:53Right.
40:54I've spent my days watching reruns of A Place in the Sun.
40:57Ooh.
40:58One couple wanted to sell their house in Burnley and relocate to Fuerteventura.
41:04Imagine the idiocy.
41:05What's going on?
41:06What the fuck's happened?
41:09Somebody made it abundantly clear that they wanted me dead.
41:18I can smell your balls from it.
41:20I'm sorry, dude.
41:21You haven't been showering.
41:22I had a flannel wash this morning.
41:24Thank you very much.
41:25Come on.
41:26We're going for a drive.
41:27You can tell me what's going on.
41:27And Donna had scurried off back to Liverpool with a tail between her legs.
41:38And I was feeling very proud of myself.
41:40And the can, dead.
41:42Me in Manalito's mansion, ruling the roost.
41:46I was the king of the fucking world.
41:49And then, one night, I woke up and I could feel something wet in the bed alongside me.
41:58And I was thinking, what in the earth can that be?
42:01I'm alone in bed.
42:02What could be wet down there?
42:05Oh, fucking hell, what was it?
42:07You've seen The Godfather, I assume, with the horse's head?
42:10Do you joke?
42:11It wasn't a fuck.
42:12Was it that?
42:13No.
42:13Oh.
42:15Worse.
42:16Oh, Donna.
42:19No.
42:19No one give a shit about that.
42:21No.
42:23It was.
42:29Oh!
42:32Oh, fuck me, the exotic zoo.
42:34Yes, correct, Vincent.
42:35There was a note telling me that if I didn't leave that evening, then it would be my head in my mother's bed.
42:42Shit.
42:43Shit indeed, sweetheart.
42:44But I'm not ashamed to say it.
42:47It shook me.
42:49Do you know who it was?
42:51It was that cross-dressing cunt, Kittens.
42:53Oh.
42:54Revenge for McCann.
42:57Why did I get McCann killed?
42:59Hmm?
43:00For you.
43:01Mum.
43:01To help you.
43:02And now, look, comes back to haunt me.
43:05Well, I mean, it suited you down to the fucking ground, didn't it?
43:08I know.
43:08Didn't be in debt.
43:09Shh.
43:09What?
43:11What's that?
43:15That's Demi Shrewsauce.
43:17Who the fuck's that?
43:18Demi Shrewsauce.
43:20It's my mother's favourite.
43:21Who the fuck did you tell were you?
43:23I haven't told anyone we're up here, you fucking nutcase.
43:26Come on now.
43:27Jesus, what's wrong with you?
43:28This is how it ends.
43:29On a cold, lonely road.
43:31With you.
43:33About my side.
43:34Quick.
43:35We'd better run.
43:36He's a man on his way home.
43:37He's just a random dickhead.
43:39Vincent, wait!
43:53Hans, get inside.
43:59And you in.
44:04Where have you been?
44:05That is a very long story.
44:11Leading my boy astray.
44:13What are you doing here, Tomo?
44:16Why did you come here?
44:19I sometimes wish he had never found you.
44:21He should have left the purse in the purse.
44:24You'd like that, wouldn't you?
44:27Pretend I don't exist.
44:31That's all right, love.
44:33Your dad let the cat out of the bag.
44:35Why, he didn't want to let me know that I had a son.
44:38Yeah.
44:39Yeah.
44:40What did he say?
44:43He said them.
44:50It's all right, when you're me.
44:52When you grow up like I grew up.
44:56Shit, parents.
44:57Bounced round from care home to care home.
44:59People have a certain way of looking at you.
45:02They don't have high hopes for you.
45:07And, I don't know, you go to school and careers and all that and they do the same thing.
45:11You've got best condescending, pat on the back, but you're basically, you are fucking nothing.
45:17You're nothing.
45:17And you're always going to be nothing.
45:19Right, and so you have to just sort of either fall in line without thinking or, like, fight, fight back, you know.
45:28Fight to prove yourself.
45:31Prove those dickheads wrong.
45:32But it follows you.
45:36And, you know, people looking down on you and thinking that you're nothing, thinking that you're worthless and you're shit.
45:42It follows you around.
45:43But I've fucking tried.
45:46I've fought really hard.
45:49And I'll keep fighting now for him.
45:53For my lad.
45:54And for you to just prove to your dad and fucking 16-year-old you that I'm not shit, actually.
46:00And that I can't make something in my life.
46:04Okay.
46:08I...
46:09I didn't tell you I was pregnant because I was scared you'd reject me.
46:16I felt like I loved you and I wanted to have your child, but I was scared you'd tell me to get rid of it.
46:33I thought about you so much over the years and I did want to tell you, but weeks turned to months and...
46:41I'm glad you didn't get rid of him, because he's the best thing in my whole life.
46:50Sorry.
46:51You know...
46:54You, you've done a fantastic job.
46:58You really have.
47:00God, I'm sorry for all this mad shit that I've fucking got him into now.
47:03You're both back safe and...
47:06Apart from the state of my father's car.
47:09Hopefully it's all done and dealt with now.
47:12It is.
47:13Yeah, it is.
47:17Except for the fella tied up in the boot.
47:19I'm sure you have done worse.
47:40I hope your car insurance fucks you and your shit car, you damn arseholes!
47:56Jowr riders, innit?
47:58Fucking jowr riders.
47:58We'll say we went for an early walk, and when we came back, daddy's car was gone.
48:09Must have been stolen in the night.
48:12Veronica, you are a fucking angel.
48:16You're an angel in woman form.
48:17And speaking of which, I hear that your father is an angel investor.
48:22And I was wondering if, you know, maybe if I get in my briefs again,
48:25if you might be able to facilitate a business discussion.
48:31Let's see what we can do.
48:42Oh!
48:44Good morning!
48:45Oh, good morning, Gator.
48:47Just recovering from last night.
48:50Fucking hell.
48:50Oh, how would you like to start the day off in the sun?
48:56Oh, now I'm not sure about that.
48:58I think you find it invigorating.
49:02Come on.
49:04Er, okay.
49:06Here, go down.
49:09We heard what you said.
49:12What you are looking for.
49:17We are very open-minded people.
49:20Sexually.
49:29For fuck's sake!
49:33I negotiated with both men.
49:36He now has a membership to my club.
49:38Mila, you are an absolute fucking superstar.
49:42Stay to this car, though, eh?
49:44Carst.
49:44You took the insurance?
49:53What do you mean you've gone back to school?
49:54It's a school reunion.
49:55Let's get smashed!
49:57Meet me in the science lab.
49:58That body was destined to be in a leotard on a stage.
50:01You look like you want to hit me.
50:03Fuck!
50:03I was bullied here, too.
50:06I could get TJ and you could get mine.
50:08I think our honour is about to do something really stupid.
50:13What the fuck?
50:15I've got so much trouble in my mind.
50:21I've got so much trouble in my mind.
50:25I've got so much trouble in my mind.
50:29I've got so much trouble in my mind.
50:33Give me the strength to carry on.
50:37Give me the strength to carry on.
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49:57
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