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01:00Turn it on to 11 and burn those pounds away while you have a relaxing night's sleep.
01:04Now that I've lost 280 pounds, my husband's all mine again.
01:07That's right, honey. No more escort services for me.
01:10Don't be fat a day longer than you have to.
01:12Remember, being fat can even ruin a romantic cruise.
01:16Call Dormatron now at 1-800-SLEEP-OFF-LARGE
01:19or visit www.sleepofflarge.com
01:22and sleep your way to a thinner, happier you.
01:26I'm a marketing manager who lives in the suburbs and commutes to work on the highway.
01:30I live alone, so of course I needed a car that could seat 12
01:33and is equipped to drive across Odic Tundra.
01:35It just makes me...
01:37Me and the fellas need to talk business,
01:46so you're going to look after my girl for the evening.
01:49Hey, Maria!
01:50Move your butt!
01:52Dumb bro does this every time.
01:55And here she is, the one and only Queen of Sheba.
01:58What were you doing up there?
02:00Whatever it was, I bet it cost me money.
02:03Well, you don't think I hang around here for the conversation, do you?
02:06Get in the car and keep your big mouth shut.
02:09Take the limo, but bring it back in one piece, you hear me?
02:13And watch her. She can be trouble.
02:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:17I'm sure your new lap dog has everything covered.
02:19And isn't he big and strong?
02:21Hey, fighter, let's go visit Chico and get some party treats.
02:24He's at the rail station at the Chinatown waterfront, I think.
02:35And it is impossible.
02:39Impossible, I tell you.
02:40Okay, and speaking of impossible,
02:42Jane from Cedar Grove is on the line
02:43and she wants to talk about how difficult it is being a parent today.
02:46Hello, Jane.
02:47Hi, Lyle. I love the show. I'm a first-time caller.
02:50I wanted to say something about these video games.
02:52They are warping our kids' minds.
02:54My son's dog, Hugo, got hit by a truck
02:56and he says, Mommy, Mommy, where's the reset button?
02:58Kids these days, they think life is a game.
03:00Well, it's not a game, Lyle.
03:01It is very, very serious.
03:03I let my kids play video games
03:05and now runs around the house looking for gold coins.
03:08I'm just teaching our children to go chase monkeys.
03:10My little Sam's been playing this new video game
03:12called Go Go to Monkey.
03:13Yeah, I've heard of that one.
03:14And a shop teacher called me today.
03:16And Sam made a homemade banana can from the shop class
03:19and was robbing them across the street at a fast food restaurant.
03:22And it's all because of video games.
03:24Laszlo, life does not have a reset button.
03:27Right, but this show does.
03:28Ah, I love that button.
03:30I'm Mira, my favorite lady.
03:33You're looking for some fun?
03:35A little spank?
03:37Hey, Chico.
03:38Nah, just here.
03:40Hey, maybe you should check out the warehouse party
03:43at the East Side of Elana Keys.
03:46Thanks, Chico.
03:47See you around.
03:48Gracias.
03:49And enjoy.
03:50Ask Gustavo.
03:51Spank! Spank! Spank! Spank!
03:54What about it?
03:55I mean, that's what I'm doing with.
03:56I mean, those are important words like how and why
03:59and they end with your voice going up like this.
04:01Don't mock me.
04:02I know where you work.
04:03You're just a color rat.
04:04How's that?
04:05All right, it's evil, dude.
04:07And Tuesdays, they use it to control us.
04:09Why do you think all these commercials tell you
04:10the pressure to do it today?
04:11I have a friend's book.
04:12And what book have you been reading
04:13that tells you that toothpaste is evil?
04:16Tetris, The Devil, and The Great Cavity Cover-Up
04:17by J. Phil's digging bottle.
04:19You've seen what I've seen.
04:20You've heard what I've heard.
04:21You never brush your teeth again.
04:23I suppose you're one of those people
04:25that says that diet soda makes you go crazy later in life.
04:28I told you before, man.
04:30Don't mock me.
04:31My taxes pay your salary, you pansy.
04:33Sir, this is a commercial radio station
04:35owned by Love Media.
04:36Advertising revenue pays my salary.
04:38And on that note, it's been two full minutes
04:40since a commercial.
04:40But I'd like to say, if anyone else is stressed,
04:43why'd I recommend Equinox?
04:45Oh my God, what if you need me?
04:49I used to be concerned and nervous about the future.
04:53Sometimes I'd get scared before an important event
04:55such as childbirth or a family funeral.
04:57Hey, sometimes you need a little help
04:59navigating life's trouble spots.
05:01That's when I discovered Equinox.
05:03After the divorce and losing little Tommy,
05:05life was getting me down.
05:07I couldn't focus on anything at work.
05:09After trying Equinox,
05:10I qualified to all units
05:12with this narcotic-creative anesthesia.
05:14Just for hours at a time.
05:15Now with Equinox,
05:16I never need to sleep.
05:17Equinox is weird
05:18from Zybatsu Pharmaceuticals.
05:20Ask your doctor about Equinox today.
05:22Tonight, a TV event.
05:34This takes reality TV to a whole new level.
05:40We'll take 20 recently paroled guys,
05:42equip them with grenade launchers and flamethrowers,
05:44and let them haunt each other down.
05:47It's the reality show
05:48where you just might be part of the action.
05:51I was grabbing a sandwich at the Happy Blimp,
05:53and all of a sudden,
05:53these guys crashed through the window
05:55and started shooting at each other.
05:56I was so excited,
05:57I didn't even notice I'd been hit.
05:59After that,
05:59I was hooked on Liberty City Survivor.
06:01I watch it every day in the hospital.
06:03The game doesn't end
06:04until there's only one man left standing.
06:07Tune in nightly,
06:07or watch the 24-hour live webcast.
06:10Liberty City Survivor.
06:11Survivor.
06:13Natural selection has come home.
06:15This comes from my conversion.
06:16All right, we're back on Chatterbox.
06:18Call us on the Chatterline
06:20to tell us what's on your mind.
06:21Line 4, you're on Chatterbox.
06:23What's on your mind?
06:24Liberty City Cox Road!
06:26Ah, that's lovely, thanks.
06:27Next caller, you're on Chatterbox.
06:29That man, I was so up for the crap.
06:31Everyone knows we're not made from sand.
06:34Okay, great.
06:35Another lunatic.
06:36Hello, next caller.
06:37You know, I enjoyed myself
06:50for the first time in a long while.
06:52You know, you treat me really good
06:53with respect and everything.
06:55I better go.
06:56I'll see you around.
06:57Box, today we're talking about anything, it seems.
07:21If you have something to say about anything, call now.
07:24Hello, caller.
07:25You're on Chatterbox.
07:26Yeah, I love the show.
07:27I love hearing people's opinions.
07:28That's what made this country great.
07:30People, opinions, good stuff.
07:32Most of all, guns.
07:33I had a piece of wine about guns that kill people.
07:36Guns don't kill people, death kills people.
07:38Ask a doctor.
07:39It's a medical fact.
07:39You can't die from a bullet.
07:41You can't die from a cardiac arrest
07:42or organ failure or major hemorrhage
07:44or small pieces of metal ain't the problem.
07:46Besides, I only use my machine gun
07:47in the safety of my own home, my car.
07:49I ain't hurting nobody.
07:51In countries that don't have guns,
07:52in countries that don't have guns,
07:54I ain't hurting nobody.
07:55I ain't hurting nobody.
08:22You're mad at all.
08:38Yes, yes, I do like it.
08:41There's one thing, though,
08:42she's as fetidus.
08:43It's rather worried.
08:44When I was a boy in England,
08:45I had a nanny.
08:47She was fetidus.
08:47Yeah, well, I mean, there's excellent child care here in America, you know?
08:52Well, I'm sure. But the thing is, Laszlo, when I was a naughty boy, I'd get spanked.
08:59Nanny, Nanny would spank me when I was naughty, and now Freddy needs Nanny, because when Freddy's naughty, he needs to get spanked.
09:07Well, there's some child psychologists who probably say that spanking can be harmful to a child's emotional development.
09:13Abs-abs-abs-absorate rot, Laszlo. It's lovely. Freddy needs a Nanny. He needs a Nanny, Laszlo, because Freddy's been a very naughty boy.
09:22H-how old is your son?
09:34Leave us alone for a minute.
09:37The Colombian cartel is making spank somewhere in Liberty, but we don't know where,
09:41and they seem to know everything we're doing before we do.
09:45We got us a rat.
09:47There's a guy named Curly Bob, works the bar at Luigi's.
09:50He's been throwing more money around than he's earning.
09:53He ain't pimping or pushing, so he must be talking.
09:57He usually gets a taxi home after work, so follow him.
10:00And if he's ratting us out, kill him.
10:14He's a big bitch.
10:17He's a player!
10:25This is going to be a very close.
10:26I'm a player, DSL.
10:28I've got a bad game right now.
10:30I'll be able to go.
10:31I'll be able to die.
10:32I couldn't hit the next block.
10:33You're allowed to die, but...
10:33You're allowed to die again.
10:34I could leave.
10:35I can't wait.
10:36I can't wait.
10:38I didn't upgrade my personal organizer, and two days later, I was diagnosed with a terminal illness.
10:44That's exactly why you should come visit the friendly people at House of Tomorrow.
10:56I was bored.
11:00Games, thanks to House of Tomorrow, I can play wireless head-to-head 3D virtual reality poker, literally anywhere.
11:07If it's a flash-in-the-pan technology, you've absolutely...
11:10Sure, sure, take it!
11:17Good summer!
11:24Welcome, Fernando Martinez, who it says here is the founder of Fernando's New Beginnings, a revolutionary new way of saving your marriage.
11:32Fernando, welcome.
11:33The pleasure is my pleasure.
11:34It is an honor to be here. I feel blessed.
11:36Uh, thanks. So, tell me about...
11:39Thanks, sir, friend.
11:41It's mine, my car!
11:43You have been down town?
11:45Ah!
11:47It is a hundred-day sacred.
11:50The bond between the father and the mother...
12:01Leave us alone for a minute.
12:03The bond between the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father and the father
12:33It seems like bliss.
12:58I wasn't really up for kissing on air.
13:00Why not last time? Am I not attractive? Am I not irresistible even to you?
13:05Well, no matter. Why are they talking about kissing?
13:08I mean, you brought it up.
13:09No, my friend. You say you not want to kiss me.
13:13I was talking how to say hypothetically.
13:24Your wife, she looked like yesterday's dinner after I eat.
13:27You're not so happy. He's a bit different.
13:30Anyway, the marriage is impossible last night.
13:33If a man was born an angel, maybe impossible.
13:37But a man is born a man.
13:40And a man with knees.
13:42He needs a woman to tuck his babies into the bed.
13:45But for his bed, he needs something magical.
13:48So he starts flirting with his secretary, takes her out for a drink.
13:54One thing leads to another, and before you know it,
13:56he's found all kinds of uses for the office furniture.
13:59Exactly, Lester. I know what you are like.
14:02I see it from your eyes.
14:04A man who has a need for it.
14:07But I knew you. And I can save you.
14:10And I can save your marriage.
14:12My marriage doesn't need saving.
14:15He sees his wife all fat, all early, with the dirty diapers,
14:36and the dirty panties, and the scrubbing brush, and who knows what else.
14:39He's not thinking of marriage bank.
14:41He's thinking about what you're thinking about your pretty assistant.
14:44You already know that.
14:46Me.
14:47Go on.
14:48But, Laszlo.
14:49What if you act on your fantasy?
14:51Put your little secretary with tissues.
14:55Come here.
14:56They are smiling.
14:57What then, my friend?
14:58What then?
14:59I get a sexual harassment suit.
15:01If you are lucky, but you are more likely, your marriage is ruined.
15:05Your sweetheart, she hates you.
15:07Your pretty secretary, she wants you to be her man.
15:09You're back in two square walls.
15:11My friend, you and a thousand men like you.
15:14For me, once, it was so.
15:16But then one day, I was driving my car, and I realized,
15:20Fernando, you are blessed.
15:21You are a miracle.
15:23A thousand miracles rolled into one.
15:26You saved the marriage, and you saved the man.
15:29You don't put the marriage first, and you don't put the man first.
15:32Maybe we call it man-marriage.
15:34Then I think to myself, no, this is a bad name.
15:37It sounds really dumb.
15:39Then I think, we call it Fernando's New Beginnings.
15:42Because that is what it means.
15:44A new beginning of the book.
15:46So, how does this work?
15:47It is a miracle, Laszlo.
15:48A miracle.
15:49A man is a good father.
15:51A loving husband.
15:52The winner of bread.
15:53Six and a half days a week.
15:55On the spare half day, I saved his life.
15:59How?
16:00By giving him what he needs, and a controlled environment.
16:04I give him a better life.
16:06What, with you?
16:07That kind of sounds like a limited market.
16:09Laszlo, you are very prejudiced.
16:11I don't like that.
16:12But no, not with me.
16:13Passion for life.
16:15Passion for love.
16:16Passion for love.
16:17Which he could take home to his wife.
16:20What, so you act like a pimp?
16:22Not a pimp, little man.
16:24A savior.
16:25In a controlled environment, I reintroduce the man to a pleasure he has lost.
16:31To the miracles of the world.
16:33And truly, the results are remarkable.
16:35With my unique counseling, a thousand marriages have been saved.
16:39And a million more could be saved every day.
16:43And do the wives know about this?
16:45In their hearts, Laszlo, they know they have been saved.
16:48Uh, okay.
16:50We're gonna open it up to the phones if you've got any questions for Fernando Martinez.
16:53Exotic marriage guidance made easy.
16:55Ring us now.
16:56Hey, oh, cool.
16:57We have a caller on line one.
16:58Caller, you are on Chatterbox.
16:59Hey, Laszlo.
17:00Hey, Fernando.
17:01My name's Jerry, and I'm a first-time caller.
17:04And I just wanted to say, hey, Laszlo.
17:06You're real tough on Fernando back there.
17:08I'll tell you one thing.
17:09He's a miracle worker.
17:11He saved my marriage, and I married a bust-
17:14Here comes our little friend.
17:16Mr. Big Mouth himself.
17:17Were you followed?
17:18You know what goes on here is our little secret, amigo.
17:20No, no, I wasn't followed.
17:21You got my stuff?
17:22Here's your spank, squealer.
17:23Now talk.
17:24Okay, so the Leones are fighting wars on two fronts.
17:25They're in a turf war with the triads, with no sign of either side giving up.
17:27Meanwhile, Joey Leone has stirred up some bad blood with the Forellis.
17:29Every day, they're losing men and influence in the city.
17:31Salvatore's become a dangerous and paranoid.
17:32He expects everybody and everything.
17:33And with loyalty like yours, what has he possibly got to worry about?
17:34You know what goes on here is our little secret, amigo.
17:35No, no, I wasn't followed.
17:36You got my stuff?
17:37Here's your spank, squealer.
17:38Now talk.
17:39Okay, so the Leones are fighting wars on two fronts.
17:40They're in a turf war with the Triads, with no sign of either side giving up.
17:41Meanwhile, Joey Leone has stirred up some bad blood with the Forellis.
17:43Every day, they're losing men and influence in the city.
17:46Salvatore's become a dangerous and paranoid.
17:48He expects everybody and everything.
17:50And with loyalty like yours, what has he possibly got to worry about?
18:05Sporker.
18:06And I say, Jerry, you are a man.
18:08It is a man's duty to love his wife, even if she is like a farmer.
18:12And now, Jerry is saved.
18:14By sleeping with other women.
18:16Whatever it takes to save a beauty.
18:36I share your anxiety.
18:37The studio kind of forced him on me.
18:40Hey, you watch yourself, mister.
18:42And you, Janice, why you so ugly?
18:44Your husband, he don't make you happy.
18:46No, he's an idiot.
18:47And a jerk.
18:48But he's probably a good daddy.
18:50And you sound very pretty.
18:51Angry, and a little bit of a know-it-all.
18:53But very pretty lady.
18:55This is the thing, Laszlo.
18:57The women they think in New Beginnings is only for men.
19:00But no, it is for women too.
19:02For Janice, if her husband got a new beginning, she thinks, Señor Wonderful all over again.
19:07And in this dream case, maybe she come to work for me.
19:11And she get a new beginning herself.
19:13She discovered the excitement at the Impassion Hall for herself.
19:16This is Janice.
19:17You call me.
19:18Cinco, Cinco, Cinco.
19:19Nueve Dos.
19:20Nueve Dos.
19:31I say, I give the passion back.
19:34And you better watch yourself, buddy.
19:36Because for my people, we take these issues very personally.
19:39And then, you no longer Mr. Tuxio.
19:42You Mr. who cut out my tongue.
19:44Who are your people anyway?
19:46Which exotic location do you come from?
19:48I am, I am Latin.
19:50Latin is a big place there, buddy.
19:52We're in Latin.
19:53I do not need to listen to these insults.
19:55I have...
19:56I have passion. I work the miracles every day.
20:18This involves children. If your husband, if your daddy, if he's not happy, send him to me, Fernando.
20:24In exchange for a few hours a week, I give you the world.
20:27Get off! Get lost! You're just a cheap pimp from up...
20:30Oh, it's you. Tummy Ape here.
20:35But he left one of his sugary lof lettuce for you.
20:38We're at war. The Triads have a fish factory as a front.
20:41Most of their business goes down at the fish market in Chinatown.
20:44The laundry still owes us protection.
20:46They reckon the Triads are protecting them now, so I say we exact a fitting punishment.
20:51Take those boys over and whack the Triad warlords.
20:54Hell, if you get a chance, pop some of their soldiers, too.
20:57Here, what's your name?
21:14I wanted to talk about spanking.
21:16Oh, God. No, no, no.
21:17I think spanking is the only way to teach them right and wrong.
21:21So, you think that teaching kids at an early age that violence is the solution to problems
21:26will make them valuable members of our society?
21:28Exactly. I knew you'd understand, Laszlo.
21:32My daddy used to walk the tar out of me.
21:34He once hit me so hard, my feet fell out of my ear.
21:36Call all units. Game 1 progress.
21:38I am happy.
21:39Always caution.
21:40That's the test control guy in these portals.
21:42I feel no drag.
21:43Broke the arm in the engine.
21:45Imagine.
21:45Broke the arm in the engine.
22:15You can't kill them.
22:40That is like sheep.
22:41They are going to take over.
22:43All right, thanks caller. Ants, killer bees, fat people, what's plaguing you? Call now. Chatterbox, hello, you're on the air.
22:49Uh, yes. I'd like to say something about these damn people on trains and buses in the city who yammer on and on into their cell phones.
22:55I'm really glad we get to hear about what you're having for dinner. What we should do is turn them up.
23:13I'm just getting ready to drive!
23:24Almost, what is it, idiot?
23:28I'm just going to die, kid.
23:30I'm just going to kill you.
23:37You ain't going to die.
23:43Come on!
23:44Oh!
23:45Oh, dear!
23:46Oh, dear!
23:47Oh, dear!
23:52Oh, man!
23:53Oh, dear!
23:54Come back in!
23:56I'm here to follow Jay.
24:02Oh, no!
24:13Oh, no, no, no.
24:16Oh, dearly.
24:17Oh, dearly.
24:22No more.
24:23That was a Uranus!
24:33Oh, dearly.
24:35We will see you next time.
24:41I don't know.
25:11Train you to throw yourself in front of a bus and pretend to be injured.
25:21Hey, that's why they pay for insurance.
25:23Call the law offices of Rakin and Ponser and get ready to enjoy a life of luxury.
25:27All right, we're back on Chatterbox.
25:29Let's go to the Chatterline here.
25:31Hello, caller.
25:32You're on Chatterbox.
25:33Lazlo, I just wanted to make your viewers aware that...
25:36Okay, now, this is a radio show.
25:38We don't have viewers.
25:39We have listeners.
25:39Uh, okay.
25:41Anyway, Lazlo, I just wanted to make your viewers aware the first International Puppetry Festival is next month at the Fairgrounds, bro.
25:49If you're interested in becoming a puppet master...
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