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1670 Season 2 Episode 05
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00:00Did I have to go down into this magic well, thought poor Selinka to herself,
00:04laying there at the bottom of the well, with her broken shin bones sticking right out of her leg?
00:13Fairy tales also enrich a child's vocabulary.
00:16The witchy old woman and her dog voraciously ate up his liver even though he was still alive.
00:22Yes, you see here, here's his liver being eaten by the witchy old woman and her dog
00:27while he is still alive.
00:30Children deserve everything.
00:32But they're our future after all.
00:33And when all the witches, vampires and goblins finished torturing the children,
00:38they went back to their lairs where they all lived happily ever after.
00:45And that's the end.
00:57Today I'm headed to the woods, but not to pick mushrooms this time.
01:05I'm looking for that fungus Andre's daughters.
01:07One of those lucky girls is going to be Bogdan's wife.
01:09Dad, are we going or what?
01:11Anielka is coming too.
01:13She's proven herself lately, so I decided I love her more than I love Stakub now.
01:17That's just what parents do.
01:20Ah, Anielka.
01:20I love you more than I love your brothers, because you've proven yourself now.
01:25Dad, you shouldn't say that.
01:29A modern father should have no problem saying nice things to his kids.
01:35Don't stay down there for too long, Sophia.
01:38This is what I heard.
01:39People visit her in the woods and she solves all their embarrassing problems.
01:43What kind of problem?
01:44You know, the ones you can't repeat to the Holy Mother because you'll make her cry.
01:48But the witch doesn't cry, so you bring all your problems to her and then she burns them away.
01:58You should be rejoicing.
02:01Dasha chose you for the mission.
02:03I am rejoicing.
02:05It's fantastic to be in this position.
02:07It's not far.
02:08It's the next village over.
02:09You just have to go through the woods, leave the stuff, and that's it.
02:12It's the easiest money you'll make in your life.
02:14Isn't that what you wanted?
02:18Hi, Matze.
02:30Hello.
02:31What are you up to?
02:33Ah, you scared me there, Regina.
02:36Oh, you know, I heard once that fear...
02:39What was it?
02:39Oh, that fear is the mind killer.
02:42That's very true.
02:43Oh, where are you going?
02:48Oh, you know, it's Sunday, so I figured I'd take a little stroll to Babitz.
02:52To Babitz?
02:53Why?
02:54For sightseeing.
02:57What?
02:58What's there to see in Babitz?
03:00Regina, you know what I like about you?
03:04You're just so endlessly curious about all the people around you.
03:08You're always asking questions about who did what, and what people are planning.
03:15By when was the last time someone asked how you were?
03:17Me?
03:18Yes, you, Regina.
03:20How are you, Regina?
03:22How am I?
03:26I don't know, good, I guess.
03:28That's great.
03:30Because you're a great person, Regina.
03:31Our biggest problem is the salt thing.
03:40I've been trying to think of promotional deals, like if you buy one salt, you should buy another.
03:49What was that?
03:51Dad, are you scared?
03:52Me?
03:53No way.
03:55It's just that for a second I thought it might be a forest demon.
03:59A forest demon?
04:00Or even worse, an old hag.
04:03So you think that an old hag is worse than a forest demon?
04:07You don't have to worry, Anielka, you're still a young hag.
04:10Everyone loves a young hag, but an old hag?
04:12Where do they even come from?
04:17Show yourself, demon!
04:23Mate?
04:24Who are you?
04:25Are you an old hag?
04:27No, I'm not, my lord.
04:30It's me, the blacksmith's boy.
04:32Oh, good.
04:37You'll come with us.
04:39That way, you won't be afraid.
04:41Okay, but I was just...
04:44What, do you have other plans?
04:48What other plans could I possibly have, my lady?
04:51Of course.
04:54I'll walk with you.
04:55I'll walk with you.
04:55Hello?
05:16Hello?
05:27Is anyone home?
05:36Hello?
05:38Oh, dear child, sweet little angel.
05:48More like sweet little fiend.
05:51What brings you here to me?
05:53Lady Yaga.
05:58Who are you?
06:00I'm...
06:02No, don't tell me.
06:08Zofia.
06:11How did you know that?
06:12My dear one.
06:13I know everything.
06:17Oh, my God.
06:18You're not going to eat him, are you?
06:20Why would I want to eat him?
06:21I nanny on the side for extra cash,
06:22but I keep him in the coop
06:23because he makes a fucking mess.
06:24Ah!
06:27So why have you come here, Zoha?
06:29I've come looking for some help.
06:32So you need something for your backaches, is that it?
06:35No, it's more like a fire in my...
06:41Get lost, you little devil.
06:48Don't you fucking wreck my forest!
06:53Relax, Zoha.
06:55Let's have a little chat.
07:01Andre!
07:05Andre's firstborn daughter!
07:07Andre's secondborn daughter!
07:08Andre's thirdborn daughter!
07:12Everything all right with you?
07:14You seem a bit nervous.
07:16No, no.
07:16I'm good.
07:18You know you can talk to me about anything, right?
07:21We'd better stick together so misery doesn't get us.
07:24Misery?
07:24It's a demon.
07:25Exactly.
07:26Exactly.
07:30Misery begets poverty,
07:31and unfortunately, she loves to harass the Commonwealth.
07:33Sure, it's all because of that misery demon.
07:36There are only two possibilities, honey.
07:38Either the Sarmatians are terrible at business,
07:40or a supernatural being from Slavic mythology is following us
07:43and ruining everything.
07:45I mean, what makes more sense?
07:51Oh, look there.
07:53It's Andre's daughter!
07:54Dad, wait.
07:56Dad!
07:56Dad!
07:56For quite some time now,
08:01I've been followed around by a donkey.
08:05I understand.
08:07I was with a donkey once.
08:10Just for sex, though.
08:12The donkey was too stubborn for a relationship.
08:14No, no.
08:15I mean a real donkey.
08:16So do I, honey.
08:18I mean, you came to see a witch.
08:20Hmm.
08:21What kind of stories
08:23were you expecting from me?
08:27Right, of course.
08:28So this donkey
08:29knows something about me.
08:34Everyone knows about you, Zoha.
08:36What do they know?
08:41You know what they know.
08:42Just one look at you
08:49is enough to know.
08:54There's an energy inside you.
08:57An energy that this corset
08:58is trying to restrain no matter what,
09:00but now it wants to break free
09:02and is seeking relief.
09:02No, nobody knows that about me.
09:08If someone knows
09:09how to look at a woman
09:10in just the right way,
09:12and sees her
09:14for what she truly is
09:16deep down inside,
09:18then they will know
09:20right away
09:21and I can see.
09:23I'd also like to ask
09:24for my children.
09:27Freaking cool, huh?
09:28Mm-hmm.
09:29Come on, let's go.
09:31Mm-hmm.
09:33Mm-hmm.
09:35The antithesis of a mask.
09:37I funded it
09:38for this year's steak festival.
09:40Performing selfless acts
09:41is a worthy pursuit.
09:42For the last few years,
09:43I've been a devoted volunteer
09:44at the steak festival,
09:46and this year,
09:47we've got the eighth deadly sin.
09:49Oh, cringe!
09:51I still wear all my armbands
09:52from other years.
09:53The Polish intolerance scene
09:55is still just starting out.
09:56We really don't have
09:57a lot of funding for it yet,
09:58but there are many,
09:59many like-minded people
10:01who really want to watch
10:02other people burn.
10:03God bless you.
10:10Come check out the small stage
10:12at the dark.
10:13I'm going to be torturing
10:14a fake nobleman.
10:15Next year,
10:15we can burn him
10:16on the main stage.
10:17Which fake nobleman?
10:18I don't have that
10:18on the agenda.
10:19See there?
10:20No smiley face
10:20with big, thick eyebrows
10:21saying,
10:22I'm pretending to be
10:23a nobleman,
10:23but I'm actually not one.
10:25He got at it today.
10:26Some spiteful friend
10:27checked his ancestors
10:28in the archives
10:29and busting them
10:30as a fraud.
10:31Seriously?
10:32I didn't think
10:32they could happen.
10:34I thought you'd be
10:34happy to hear it.
10:36I am.
10:38It's brilliant.
10:39This is why
10:40you're the professional.
10:41Good work.
10:43You coming?
10:46I'll join you in a bit.
10:52Stanislas!
10:53Listen to me!
10:54Just recently,
10:55I went to the library
10:56to see the archives.
10:58I wanted to check out
10:59our genealogical tree
10:59to see if there's
11:00an inheritance
11:01or money or something,
11:02but instead I discovered
11:03something awful.
11:04Our great-great-grandfather,
11:05Yan,
11:06somehow managed to forge
11:07his nobleman documentation,
11:09so now we've got
11:09to destroy it.
11:10I can get you there,
11:11but I'm not coming in.
11:12Why not?
11:13Haven't you noticed
11:14that every time
11:14we try to do something together,
11:16something burns?
11:16Stop!
11:17Stop!
11:18Stop!
11:23That isn't our fault.
11:24It's just the 17th century
11:26being hyper-flammable.
11:27Dad!
11:29Dad!
11:31Dad!
11:33I would advise you
11:34not to follow him.
11:44Who might you be?
11:45I am Gerard of Rumia.
11:50I'm a slayer of monsters.
11:53So that really exists?
11:55Rumia?
11:56Yeah, it's near Gdansk.
11:59Weirdly,
12:00it actually exists.
12:03And I shall forever exist
12:05in the borderland of realms.
12:06rejected by everyone
12:10simply because
12:11I donned this man bun.
12:19How much does monster slaying pay?
12:22Enough to survive a month.
12:26And do you encounter
12:27a lot of monsters?
12:28Once every three years.
12:33I'm still finessing
12:34my business plan.
12:36But if you've got problems
12:37with raccoons living in your hut,
12:39I can chase them away.
12:40Satisfaction guaranteed
12:41or your money back.
12:43Hmm.
12:44Oh, well,
12:45we don't live together.
12:48Aren't you two a couple?
12:49Well, actually,
12:55we kind of are.
12:57Hmm.
12:58What are you waiting for, then?
13:00If you're not careful,
13:01you'll become an old hag.
13:03You're still young and pretty.
13:04And you're lucky
13:05you don't have a man bun.
13:06There's nothing standing
13:08in the way of you two
13:08living like normal people.
13:17Earlier,
13:17why did you say
13:18that we shouldn't
13:19follow my father?
13:21He has been bewitched
13:23by a wood nymph.
13:25Did you say
13:26a wood nymph?
13:27Don't you believe me?
13:32It's because
13:33of my man bun.
13:35I knew it.
13:37You think
13:38that I'm a monster.
13:39I knew it.
13:40I knew it.
13:40I knew it.
13:41I knew it.
13:41I knew it.
13:42I knew it.
13:42I knew it.
13:43I knew it.
13:43I knew it.
13:44I knew it.
13:44I knew it.
13:45I knew it.
13:45I knew it.
13:46I knew it.
13:46I knew it.
13:47I knew it.
13:48I knew it.
13:48I knew it.
13:49I knew it.
13:50I knew it.
13:50I knew it.
13:51I knew it.
13:52I knew it.
13:53I knew it.
13:54I knew it.
13:55I knew it.
13:56I knew it.
13:57I knew it.
13:58I knew it.
13:59I knew it.
14:00I knew it.
14:01I knew it.
14:02I knew it.
14:03I knew it.
14:04I knew it.
14:05I knew it.
14:06Areska?
14:11No.
14:13I am a forest myth.
14:16Tell me a riddle.
14:19And if I cannot solve it, then I shall release you.
14:24Dagmara?
14:27Is that your riddle?
14:29Asking if I'm Dagmara?
14:32I'm not.
14:34I am a forest myth.
14:35Cornelka?
14:36The time for your riddle has run out.
14:39Now I shall tell you a riddle.
14:42And if you fail to solve it, you'll stay here with me for eternity.
14:46All right, now, here is the riddle.
14:50If you can see me, then I can see you.
14:55And I do everything that you do.
14:57There's just one exception to the rule.
15:00No matter how much I may want to,
15:03I can't speak a word to you.
15:06So who am I?
15:09That's obvious.
15:10You're a forest nymph.
15:11You already said it before.
15:13No.
15:14I'm not speaking as myself.
15:16I'm being the thing from the riddle.
15:17Oh, you poor child.
15:19Let me give you some advice for me on problem.
15:21Don't try to be anyone other than yourself.
15:23It's not worth it.
15:24I'm a mirror man.
15:25Okay, she thinks she's a mirror now.
15:28Don't worry, it'll pass.
15:29Do your parents support you?
15:31Do they know you dress like that to walk in the woods?
15:33Okay, okay, just hang on a second.
15:54Listen to me.
15:55I can't properly cast a spell on you.
16:16You're way too self-centered.
16:18And now you need to help me find Andre.
16:20His tall, stupid mustache doesn't own half the village anymore.
16:23Dad!
16:35Dad!
16:39Dad!
16:44Daniella, there's something that I think I should tell you.
16:48Anielka?
16:56Who do you feel that you are?
17:01I don't know.
17:03I'm your daughter, Aniela?
17:07My brilliant little girl.
17:10You don't dwell in a lake.
17:13You don't walk around dressed in the leaves.
17:14You're so wise.
17:18Which is why I've made up my mind.
17:21You'll be managing the estate from now on.
17:25Wow, Dad, for real?
17:27Mm-hmm, yeah.
17:29And for your first task, I want you to improve the salt sales.
17:34What is that?
17:35Oh.
17:37Did you hear that?
17:38I'm gonna manage the estate.
17:41Yeah, it's, um, it's incredible.
17:44Oh, uh, you wanted to tell me something before.
17:46What was it?
17:47No, it isn't.
17:50Never mind.
17:52Hey!
17:55Come look at this!
17:57Come on, come on!
18:05Guess it is.
18:05We're closing in a minute!
18:23Hurry up, would you?
18:27Yes!
18:28Look, signed by our great-great-grandfather himself.
18:30But King Sigismund's signature and her great-great-grandfathers are exactly the same.
18:34And we'll see them.
18:35Made with a potato.
18:36Coming in, sir!
18:39Let's burn it.
18:40No, give me that.
18:40You're not burning anything.
18:42Why do you guys sound so nervous?
18:44Is everything all right?
18:54Yeah.
18:55My bro and I are just reading some stuff.
19:01Make your way to the exit now.
19:05You see?
19:33We're the best brother team.
19:36There it is.
19:37Brothers rule.
19:38Swiftly, efficiently, and discreetly.
19:40If Herod had us for his assassins, Jesus would have never had a chance.
19:45Yeah.
19:46Very well said.
19:47Get it up.
20:04So Stanislaus may either become a great man, or he may not.
20:07And you're sure?
20:09I'm never wrong.
20:10And now Jakob.
20:14He's the second son of priest.
20:24He's going to become the Pope.
20:25The Pope?
20:26Really?
20:27No, wait.
20:29This is actually chicken from my lunch.
20:33But it sure looks like a Pope, doesn't it?
20:35Mm-hmm.
20:36Check it out.
20:39Aniela, my only daughter.
20:41What do you want to know about her?
20:43I want to know she'll marry a nobleman.
20:46Very interesting.
20:58Okay.
20:59Go on, tell me.
21:01Don't move, witches.
21:03You're coming with me.
21:05By chance, buddy.
21:05I don't like men with man bodies.
21:08You're coming with me.
21:38No!
21:57Gents, I'm coming.
21:58I don't like men with me.
22:02Ha!
22:02Ha!
22:05Ha!
22:08Your dad's going to win something for you, Anielka.
22:21Pay what you can and come watch the adventures and misfortunes of the stupidest puppet nobleman ever.
22:29Cicero?
22:31Never heard of him.
22:33Just look at what a dumbass he is.
22:35And his name is...
22:38Jan Pavel.
22:41All that dick.
22:45So what's in it for me, then?
22:47What do you mean?
22:49You got a rich son-in-law.
22:50Dad, what's going on?
22:53Nothing, darling.
22:54Tereska, do you remember Bogdan?
22:56The horrible guy from our village?
22:58That's the one, but he'll improve after marriage.
23:02Why do you suddenly care so much?
23:05Well, you know me, Andre.
23:07I care about folks.
23:09And it simply occurred to me that Bogdan and one of your daughters are perfectly matched.
23:13Really?
23:14Yeah.
23:14Which one?
23:15It doesn't matter.
23:16Any one of them.
23:17You know what?
23:17If there's one thing that I know about you, Jan Pavel, it's that you're not an altruist.
23:23Yeah, that's true.
23:24But I can play a little flute.
23:27Twinkle, twinkle, McDonald.
23:28On the other hand, I'm in no position to be picky now.
23:36Okay.
23:36We'll give it a try.
23:38Under one condition.
23:39And Yellow's hand?
23:40Forget about it.
23:41What?
23:42No.
23:43Just until the matchmaking's over, no matter how long it takes, we're going to live at your place.
23:49You're saying you want to live together?
23:51Oh, it's way too early for that.
23:52But we've been living in the woods for months now.
23:54Okay, your daughters come inside, and you live with our dogs, Moe Curly and Fatty.
24:00I'm calling the marriage off.
24:02What marriage, Dad?
24:03Uh, all right, all right.
24:04We'll all live together.
24:05Ah!
24:07Ha!
24:07Here's to our house.
24:11It's not your house.
24:13Well, they're my daughters.
24:13Oh, my.
24:14Oh, my.
24:15Oh, my.
24:15Oh, my.
24:15Oh, my.
24:16Oh, my.
24:16Oh, my.
24:17Oh, my.
24:17Oh, my.
24:18Oh, my.
24:18Oh, my.
24:19Oh, my.
24:20Oh, my.
24:21Oh, my.
24:22Oh, my.
24:23Oh, my.
24:24Oh, my.
24:24Oh, my.
24:26Oh, my.
24:26What's going on?
24:30What do you mean?
24:32Mace.
24:34You haven't shown up to our dates lately.
24:37Yesterday, you vanished, and I couldn't find you anywhere, and today, you're all cagey.
24:42I can see that something's wrong.
24:49Hey, could we at least give each other a hug?
24:52Right now?
24:53Right now?
24:54Yes, now.
24:55Right now?
24:58Yes, now.
25:01But your father and everything.
25:07I don't know why you're upset with me.
25:14Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
25:44They aren't witches, can't you see that?
25:52That woman there is a totally zealous Catholic.
25:56What do you mean they're not witches?
25:57Where's that freak with the man button?
26:00I confirm it.
26:02They are witches.
26:04They were living together in a hut.
26:06Witches do not exist.
26:09What?
26:09And well hags don't exist.
26:12Well, I'm here.
26:13And cemetery hags don't exist.
26:16And you do.
26:17You're not helping, ladies.
26:20You're all just afraid of old hags.
26:23No, I just don't like old hags.
26:25In our culture, as soon as women get old, we forget them.
26:29But when we're young, we're your wives and the sole caretakers of your children.
26:34And when we get old, you don't need us, so you discard us.
26:37Yet, an old git is promoted to a wise elder.
26:41I do like old gits, though.
26:42An old hag becomes no one, invisible as air, because she no longer has anything you require.
26:48And once an old hag becomes excluded from the community, then you fear her.
26:53It's terrifying to think that a woman could fare perfectly well all by herself.
26:58Hey, I guess I pity old hags.
27:05You too?
27:07Set the hags free!
27:09I am not an old hag!
27:12Mom, do you want to live or not?
27:14Well, then you're an old hag.
27:15No, I'm sorry, but I'm definitely not an old hag yet.
27:18Not that there's anything wrong with being an old hag.
27:21I am not an old hag.
27:23Then they'll burn you as a witch.
27:25I wouldn't rather that.
27:27So they are witches.
27:28Let's burn them!
27:30No!
27:35Stop this execution now!
27:39You are in Poland!
27:42Poland's a stake-free country!
27:43For fuck's sake.
27:48You can't be yourself in this country.
27:51Wood nymphs, misery, witches, and spirits.
27:55Those are all just fancy names for the fear that lives in our imagination.
27:59Once you find harmony within yourself, the fear disappears.
28:03I know that.
28:04And one day, they will all understand that, too.
28:06There's an explanation for that.
28:25Yaga.
28:31What should I do about the donkey?
28:36How should I know?
28:39You haven't helped me.
28:42Zoha.
28:44Do you think you're happy?
28:46Me?
28:48Well, of course.
28:50It's just that the donkey harasses me.
28:57You've just got to help yourself, Zoha.
29:01And not too long from now.
29:03You will encounter, love.
29:05You can either kill it, or you can let it live.
29:16Ah.
29:18Don't forget about your coat.
29:25All right.
29:26And you?
29:36You should go to her.
29:39You dumbass.
29:40There's no way.
29:52There's no way.
29:55Here.
29:55Come on.
30:25Come on.
30:55Come on.
31:25Come on.
31:55Come on.
32:25Come on.
32:55Come on.
33:25Come on.
33:55Come on.
34:25Come on.
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