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Drama Love
Drama Love
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00It's in that basket, it's cardboard, it's not a brown cover.
00:00:29Okay, can you find it?
00:00:35As experts and psychologists, we have long known that becoming a mother is a catalyst for radical change.
00:00:48Kimmy Fasani up next, a household name in snowboarding.
00:00:52She's got an unbelievable story.
00:00:55Motherhood is a confrontation with both life and death.
00:00:58It's one of the few experiences where you understand what it takes to bring life into this world and also the preciousness of that life.
00:01:08You might even encounter a death-defying experience along the way.
00:01:13But the culture and the science has remained silent on this for so long. It's the biggest story never told.
00:01:23These ideas really started in the identity development theories of our foremothers, many of whom were actually psychologists and theorists who became mothers and then finally used the tools of their own science to explain what was going on for them.
00:01:51And they talked about this idea of an identity change, a me change.
00:01:56That doesn't happen overnight.
00:01:58that doesn't happen overnight.
00:02:05That doesn't happen to happen.
00:02:10Typical me, I already have an email drafted, and it's basically fill in the blanks like
00:02:31a Mad Lib.
00:02:32You know, all Chris had to do is put in the name and what happened.
00:02:37The doctor yesterday warned me, she's like, you know, you might have a higher than normal
00:02:40pain tolerance because of everything you've been through, so like, don't wait too long.
00:02:55When I became pregnant, I was at the highest peak I'd ever got to in snowboarding, a passion
00:03:01that I had developed a career from.
00:03:05It says, get ready, it's time to get your hospital bag and documents ready, it'd be
00:03:09perfect time to go to the hospital.
00:03:13What I had seen happen to women before me was that as soon as they chose to become moms,
00:03:18they all of a sudden were no longer a professional snowboarder anymore.
00:03:24I think it's a boy.
00:03:28But I knew I wanted to start a family and I had no intention of slowing down.
00:03:32This is June 7th, 1988, it's supposed to be summer, it is summer.
00:03:48But summer in the mountains sometimes has lots of snow.
00:03:52Oh, Kimmy's trying to get the trampoline all uncovered, smart girl.
00:03:59My mom had the strongest work ethic I know.
00:04:06She was a single mom and she was an OR nurse.
00:04:10She worked full-time.
00:04:11We had to dig Kimmy's snow clothes out of the back room.
00:04:17Rough year for gardening.
00:04:19We lived in a cabin at the highest place you could live in Trekkie.
00:04:24We were always inundated by snow.
00:04:27If the school bus got stuck, she would walk outside with her can of ashes from our fireplace
00:04:33and put it under the school bus tires.
00:04:36She had this ability to do anything.
00:04:39And there's our wood in the yard, the winner.
00:04:45We can still see the neighbors.
00:04:48My mom had me when she was 39 years old and that was about 40 years ago.
00:04:54She was never married to my dad who struggled with alcoholism.
00:04:59He was a loving man and yet he had a toxic lifestyle.
00:05:08My mom was doing everything on her own and so she raised me to be very independent.
00:05:19She had a meditation practice which I didn't really understand.
00:05:24I knew to be still with her.
00:05:27Merry Christmas, we're cooking breakfast.
00:05:31I wasn't just her daughter, I was her partner.
00:05:36We were each other's soul mates.
00:05:47She was kind of a ski bum at heart.
00:05:51So when I asked her if I could learn how to snowboard, she decided to let me have a try.
00:05:57Well here comes Kimmy.
00:05:59She's just learning to use this board.
00:06:01I'll never forget that feeling, stepping onto that snowboard, trying something new that not
00:06:07even my mom knew how to do.
00:06:12Snowboarding was the first time I realized my own desire.
00:06:21There was something there that I needed.
00:06:33When I had just graduated eighth grade, my dad got diagnosed with cancer and within just a
00:06:40a few months, he was gone.
00:06:47Snowboarding broke me away from that pain of loss.
00:06:51Come on baby.
00:06:53And here comes Kimmy for starting.
00:06:59It just made me happy.
00:07:03So Kimmy, what's the game plan for today?
00:07:05Game plan?
00:07:06I have a lot of homework, but probably not going to do it.
00:07:10Yeah, Kimmy!
00:07:12I moved to Mammoth.
00:07:14All the pros lived here.
00:07:15I wanted to pursue professional snowboarding.
00:07:20And I got sponsors and I started traveling and filming.
00:07:26It was a dream job.
00:07:33I was just reading about you last night and you are absolutely amazing.
00:07:46The whole lifestyle of snowboarding is what makes it so addicting.
00:07:49You're living in your passion.
00:07:51You're outdoors.
00:07:52You're riding with your friends.
00:07:53It doesn't get better than that.
00:07:56We decided to host a pirate theme party for an opening of a new snowboard movie.
00:08:02Hello, mates.
00:08:05I was a skier.
00:08:07My brother was a snowboarder and we worked at the ice cream parlor in town.
00:08:13It was the perfect job.
00:08:14It opened at 3 o'clock and you could shred all day.
00:08:17Kimmy came in and she's like, are you Peter's brother?
00:08:20And I said, yeah.
00:08:21And she said, I heard you lost your father.
00:08:25I lost my father if you ever want to talk.
00:08:28My dad died of cancer as well.
00:08:31Kimmy was the first person I had opened up with.
00:08:34We connected on a deep level pretty immediately.
00:08:38Hey!
00:08:39I love you.
00:08:40You love me?
00:08:41Yeah, I can.
00:08:43Chris and I fell in love the first time we met.
00:08:46She opened my eyes to depth of a human.
00:08:51Her mom was very reluctant of me.
00:08:55I was underage.
00:08:56Kimmy was 19.
00:08:57She's like, are you kidding me?
00:08:59Have you asked his mom?
00:09:01We were both on this journey to be the best that we could be in our sport.
00:09:06She's always been so driven and so powerful.
00:09:09Yeah, Kimmy.
00:09:10I earned a spot in Alaska, the biggest playground that you can snowboard in.
00:09:16And I just felt like I had come home to myself.
00:09:19I started bringing my art into my skiing.
00:09:22We were both hitting our peak.
00:09:23We did a double backflip together, which is amazing.
00:09:25Kimmy, you just landed a double backflip.
00:09:38That's so sick!
00:09:39Look at the video out of Mammoth, just right on the edge.
00:09:48Look how far we've come!
00:09:51There was always a new limit to push.
00:09:53We were never content.
00:09:57Kimmy and I were just ships crossing in the night.
00:10:00Tell me you're at this airport for a kiss.
00:10:03We were free.
00:10:04And your Women's Rider of the Year is...
00:10:11Kimmy Fasani!
00:10:19I want to dedicate this award to my mom.
00:10:21She couldn't be here tonight.
00:10:22I love her so much.
00:10:24She introduced me to the mountains,
00:10:25and I would have never found snowboarding if it wasn't for her support.
00:10:29So, thank you, Judy!
00:10:34And yet there was so much contradiction at that point in my life.
00:10:37Because a month before that award,
00:10:40my mom was diagnosed with a really aggressive cancer.
00:10:43Pure joy is pure observation.
00:10:49She always asked me if I was happy.
00:10:59And as long as I said yes, she never revisited it.
00:11:04But I knew that she wanted to watch me become a mom.
00:11:08Pure joy is total acceptance.
00:11:14Pure joy is total acceptance.
00:11:19I wanted that too.
00:11:21But there was never a good time.
00:11:23And it wasn't until she got sick
00:11:29that I realized
00:11:32I'm gonna walk this path of being a mom without her.
00:11:37You gave your mom a long time today.
00:11:52Yeah.
00:11:53You mean you always think I'm giving her a long time?
00:11:56Hi.
00:11:57Hi.
00:11:58Hi.
00:11:59Hi.
00:12:01Hi showEE Energy.
00:12:02Who's happiness?
00:12:03Who's happiness?
00:12:04I'm so happy to finally meet you.
00:12:0610 months later.
00:12:08Hi.
00:12:09Hi.
00:12:10I see you.
00:12:13Hi.
00:12:14so
00:12:17so
00:12:24so
00:12:33so
00:12:39I was so full of love, and I had a beautiful birth plan, but when I went in for my C-section,
00:13:03I remember being scared, and for the first time in a long time, felt completely out of control.
00:13:18The doctor just gave me the okay to resume my normal activity level.
00:13:23Back out in the mountains in Mammoth, it feels so good to move again.
00:13:29We wanted to be those people.
00:13:33Our child didn't slow us down.
00:13:37No matter how exhausted we were, we just wanted to keep our life the same.
00:13:47You still awake back there?
00:13:50I'm just not wandering in the woods.
00:13:52Cora, you're almost 10 months old.
00:13:54Dang.
00:13:57Entering into 2019 winter.
00:13:59Getting this dude ready for the cold weather in Japan.
00:14:07There are complications of being a professional athlete.
00:14:11Contracts are annual.
00:14:12There's injury clauses in them.
00:14:15You are on your own.
00:14:16You're self-employed.
00:14:17It is up to you to perform, and not fuck it up.
00:14:25Is this possible with a child?
00:14:29All of my contracts were up when I was pregnant.
00:14:31Kimmy and I have become friends over the years, and I got this kind of formal text from her.
00:14:48I remember calling her, and she couldn't quite spit it out.
00:14:54All of a sudden, I was like, oh my God, Kimmy, you're pregnant.
00:14:59There was no policy, but I said, Kimmy, let's pioneer this.
00:15:04Let's see what this looks like.
00:15:06I was going to do it differently.
00:15:10I thought that women can do it all.
00:15:16Do you still think that?
00:15:18I don't know.
00:15:36There's a missing nomenclature for the transition to motherhood.
00:15:46Media, unfortunately, has sort of flattened it.
00:15:49But this is about being invited into our depth.
00:16:01Adolescence gets a name, gets a label.
00:16:04When we hear the word, we automatically think of just how complicated and difficult it is to move through that period in a young person's life.
00:16:14For mothers, we expect that they have a baby, spend time with the baby, and then go back to the same thing.
00:16:25Here's your six-week checkup and on your own.
00:16:29You grew a human.
00:16:31I'm going to forget the magnificence of that.
00:16:33The grandeur of that, we're not the same.
00:16:48Matrescence is the developmental process of becoming a mother.
00:16:52It's going to affect and change many, many areas of your life that make you human.
00:16:58Biologically, neurologically, relationally, socially, existentially.
00:17:05You go through something akin to puberty.
00:17:07It's a very disorienting time.
00:17:17I was really excited to get back out into the mountains.
00:17:19I had a nanny that could travel with me.
00:17:24Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:17:26The resort closes, I think, at 335, so I shouldn't be more than four.
00:17:31But I think I painted it to be a lot more simple than it was.
00:17:35Okay, should we have them lock the house?
00:17:38Toa and Bridget are here.
00:17:39Oh, sorry, yeah.
00:17:42Come on, brain.
00:17:43In the boot room, I stupidly left my pump.
00:17:49Stupid.
00:17:50There are all these different aspects of it that contribute to the storm.
00:17:57Your brain is being bathed in a lot of hormones.
00:18:03It's starting to bring tremendous neuroplasticity.
00:18:06Your mind is changing.
00:18:09There's a million things going on in your mind all the time.
00:18:13You're thrust into an extended period of sleep deprivation.
00:18:17And so it absolutely contributes to this concept that in some ways we kind of joke about mom brain.
00:18:25But what's really going on are all of these enormous shifts.
00:18:29Women are sold a bill of goods that it's easy, natural, blissful, perfect.
00:18:36You'll get this.
00:18:38Everyone's done it before you.
00:18:40Don't worry about it.
00:18:42And that's just not how it is.
00:18:47Maybe he has another tooth coming in because he's uncomfortable.
00:19:00The non-dream feed totally backfired.
00:19:03I normally can do the dream feed and he's immediately out and then I can go to sleep.
00:19:06So instead he woke up and he was up for an hour and wouldn't settle.
00:19:13But I think it's because I've been pumping so much that my milk isn't, when he has it, it's not as hearty.
00:19:20Because I've been like eliminating it throughout the day.
00:19:24And so I think it's a combination of him being hungry and it was just a bad night to try to stop dream feeding.
00:19:30It's always something though.
00:19:34Definitely.
00:19:41Is he standing or laying?
00:19:43All right, Kimmy, we're ready.
00:20:04All right, Kimmy, we're ready.
00:20:06Do you think I'll be okay if I'm not home for an hour?
00:20:37Okay.
00:20:39Hi, Koa.
00:20:40I know, I know.
00:20:41I'm sorry.
00:20:42I shouldn't have seen you.
00:20:43Okay.
00:20:44Bye.
00:20:47Why does this go home?
00:21:04Come here.
00:21:05Come here.
00:21:05Come here.
00:21:05Come here.
00:21:06Come here.
00:21:06Come here.
00:21:06Come here.
00:21:06Come here.
00:21:06Come here.
00:21:07What's going on?
00:21:07Yeah.
00:21:07What's going on?
00:21:08What's going on?
00:21:09What's going on?
00:21:10What's going on?
00:21:10What's going on?
00:21:11Hey.
00:21:11Hey.
00:21:11Henry's like in there?
00:21:12No.
00:21:13No.
00:21:13Oh.
00:21:14Come here.
00:21:14I love you.
00:21:15I love you.
00:21:26My body is doing things that I've never had it do before.
00:21:30I haven't slept through the night in ten months.
00:21:33Not once.
00:21:36Every morning, I wake up around four,
00:21:40and I would have already been up like two or three times
00:21:43during the night.
00:21:44From the moment I wake up, I never really
00:21:47have time to think about anything for myself.
00:21:50Hot, hot.
00:21:51Koa won't take a bottle that well,
00:21:54and so it's a cycle of trying to figure out
00:21:58when to feed and pump.
00:22:03He'll go down for his first nap around seven
00:22:04in the morning, and then I get geared up to go out there.
00:22:09But my body is disconnected.
00:22:13I don't feel like myself.
00:22:21That first few weeks back to work,
00:22:23for that mom who might be separating from her child
00:22:26for the very first time, what space
00:22:29is made for her to grieve even that loss?
00:22:34There's these opposing forces of who you were before, but then
00:22:49also new motherhood.
00:22:51I'm just feeling stressed.
00:22:57I don't know how to cure your anxiety if you won't tell me
00:23:00what you want me to do.
00:23:06I don't think there's any way to cure this.
00:23:07It's just a new reality.
00:23:13A lot of women want to kind of give back to their old body.
00:23:16They feel attached to maybe who they were in the past, but estrogen,
00:23:21progesterone drop.
00:23:22And estrogen is really important for things like muscle mass,
00:23:26strength, coordination.
00:23:32Those of us who are perfectionistic or type A's struggle the most because somehow
00:23:37you're going to get it right.
00:23:39Like you can do motherhood like you did your job.
00:23:41You're super competent at that, and you're going to do it right here too.
00:23:44Hard hit.
00:23:50This experience comes with an enormous amount of joy.
00:23:54These moments that you can't even describe, like they're full body experiences.
00:24:01There's also an enormous amount of grieving.
00:24:04I miss my sense of control.
00:24:05I miss my flexibility.
00:24:07I miss my spontaneity.
00:24:08I miss me.
00:24:13We can feel two completely different feelings.
00:24:16We can have two completely different thoughts or 10 all at the same time.
00:24:22We've had to give up a lot of what makes us who we are.
00:24:25Personally, it's taken so much away from me.
00:24:29I'm dealing with a different body.
00:24:31I'm not as strong.
00:24:32I just don't trust that if I wasn't breastfeeding, it wouldn't even be an issue.
00:24:35I don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice.
00:24:36I want to be out there.
00:24:38The heat comes first.
00:24:39Making it easier on our relationship.
00:24:40I want you to be productive.
00:24:41It's like I have a career, too.
00:24:42Even if I pump away from home, I have to have a milk supply when I get home.
00:24:46It's like you just don't understand.
00:24:48I do understand.
00:24:51I just feel like I have to give up.
00:24:52I'm trying to encourage her as much as I can, trying to make sure COA is priority number
00:25:13one.
00:25:14But at the same time, we're paying to be here.
00:25:16We have our filmer here.
00:25:18We have a lot of responsibility.
00:25:21And I need to continue doing my job.
00:25:24I do it again.
00:25:25I know she doesn't mean it when she doesn't want to snowboard anymore.
00:25:38I just can't read what she really wants.
00:25:41And I don't think she knows what she wants.
00:25:45And then we have a whole new dynamic with having a nanny here.
00:25:51And the reality is, is Kimmy's had some really tough times as a child with a caregiver.
00:25:58And so she's been terrified to leave COA with anyone.
00:26:03I love you, COA.
00:26:04I love you.
00:26:05I love you.
00:26:06I love you.
00:26:07I love you.
00:26:08I love you.
00:26:09I love you.
00:26:10I love you.
00:26:11Yeah.
00:26:12Sorry, COA.
00:26:13I love you.
00:26:14I love you.
00:26:15I love you.
00:26:16Ooh.
00:26:17Ooh.
00:26:18Ooh.
00:26:19So much happens that no one can see.
00:26:31So many things are brought up that you tried to avoid.
00:26:37Our children are our mirrors.
00:26:39And so anything you didn't deal with before, you're going to eventually have to deal with
00:26:44it with your child.
00:26:46Is that all?
00:26:51Yeah.
00:26:52My family was supposed to be my safe place.
00:26:55But one specific person was dangerous.
00:26:59My first memory with him was at a family gathering.
00:27:04I feel I have to take advantage of being able to do this while somebody's watching Kimmy.
00:27:09He had me hold his hand and walked down a hallway, left the door cracked, and I sat in his lap
00:27:21and read a book.
00:27:24But what was happening wasn't reading.
00:27:30He was molesting kids.
00:27:34And it happened to me.
00:27:35Do you hear me?
00:27:39Spent the whole morning in the pool.
00:27:43It went on for at least five years in different ways.
00:27:47My mom would ask me if anything had ever happened with him.
00:27:57But I always said no.
00:27:59I was like...
00:28:00I'm sorry.
00:28:01I was like...
00:28:02I was like...
00:28:03I was like.
00:28:04I was like...
00:28:06You have to make me lose.
00:28:09.
00:28:10The night of my house!
00:28:13That night is the night of my house!
00:28:14It was the night of my house.
00:28:15I was like, no, no.
00:28:16You're like...
00:28:17You're like...
00:28:18I was like...
00:28:19I'll do it.
00:28:20I was like...
00:28:21Once we become a mother,
00:28:28we bring all of these ghosts into the nursery with us.
00:28:34Even if I make sense of that experience and heal from that experience,
00:28:39that all comes rushing back in.
00:28:41I am incredibly afraid
00:28:49that the same thing is going to happen to him or her.
00:28:52It's nearly impossible.
00:28:55When we look at women who have got money or fame or beauty or whatever it is...
00:29:01There's like three ounces of milk in that fridge.
00:29:03It's sort of natural to think, well, they must have it all together.
00:29:07But we're all fair game.
00:29:12You can't buy your way out of it.
00:29:17I was having such deep levels of anxiety.
00:29:21I was losing myself.
00:29:24You can't do your work well if you're trying to protect your child.
00:29:28All day, you're not trusting yourself.
00:29:30You're not feeling supported.
00:29:32So you're no longer working off skill.
00:29:34You're working off emotion.
00:29:35That's always dangerous.
00:29:41I hit a tree with my hand.
00:29:46I was doing a big turn for a photo.
00:29:49It's going to be okay, but I have to go home to get surgery.
00:29:52So now this begins the process of me and Koa getting home with my wrist broken.
00:30:02What are you doing?
00:30:04I was relieved.
00:30:05I'm really nervous.
00:30:07It bought me a little bit of time.
00:30:09It's also the second anniversary of my mom's passing.
00:30:13And so the irony of it is pretty unbelievable.
00:30:18When I hit the tree with my hand and when that all happened,
00:30:22it was like basically the exact time that she passed away.
00:30:27So for some reason, I got a smack on the wrist.
00:30:38I always saw my mom as somebody who could do it all.
00:30:41She never made me feel like she was stressed or overwhelmed.
00:30:48And not having her...
00:30:54I have nobody to talk to about all this that I'm feeling.
00:31:02When she was passing away, she said,
00:31:04Are you sure you've asked me everything you want to ask me?
00:31:07If I could give her a list now.
00:31:11When we lose the elder mothers,
00:31:19we lose that transmission of wisdom.
00:31:23We're in a capitalist, individualistic culture.
00:31:28It disperses us.
00:31:30That's the problem with motherhood in Western society.
00:31:34It's too isolating.
00:31:36Our family members and our friends are scattered far and wide.
00:31:41In order for the mother to give to her young,
00:31:45she needs to be held to.
00:31:48But who's holding the mother?
00:31:50Hey, Bubba.
00:31:59You want to bed yet?
00:32:00Yeah.
00:32:01It's time for bed, huh?
00:32:03Oh, hi.
00:32:06What's your daddy doing?
00:32:07Garage, like we're mounting skis.
00:32:09It's a binding.
00:32:11This is the cap to the wood glue.
00:32:14You like caps.
00:32:15Is it an Allen rink?
00:32:18Yeah.
00:32:18It's pretty neat.
00:32:20Pretty neat.
00:32:22I got a call from my team manager at Burton for a spring photo shoot.
00:32:27And it was going to be the most ambitious trip that I had ever said yes to.
00:32:30Chris was coming with me.
00:32:35Nicely done.
00:32:36To be with Koa.
00:32:38That was going to make me feel so much more confident in the mountains.
00:32:42I wanted to try again.
00:32:44But immediately, I felt like I had made the wrong decision.
00:32:47It was going to be a bit aggressive, I think.
00:33:00We're in the Arctic.
00:33:02It's cold.
00:33:02We have a bit.
00:33:04You like the cold.
00:33:04I was expecting to see like a big old boat.
00:33:08Not so much.
00:33:11Hopefully, we brought enough clothes.
00:33:13Can we bring enough clothes for you?
00:33:17The captain said, we've never had a 13-month-old on the boat.
00:33:21But you're welcome to bring him.
00:33:26Just wondering.
00:33:27We got a little wind over our heads.
00:33:29We maxed out the boat.
00:33:30So every ounce of space is taken.
00:33:34They're like, just pack a little light.
00:33:36You can't do that with a baby.
00:33:43Maybe I should just get back on a flight.
00:33:47Should I get back on a flight?
00:33:52Should I send Chris back on a flight?
00:34:02The boat was smaller than we expected.
00:34:03We were in tight quarters.
00:34:07We're not here there for sure.
00:34:09Surrounded by the Arctic Ocean.
00:34:12With a child that just learned how to walk.
00:34:16Plus, it's 24 hours of sunlight.
00:34:1814 hours north of the most north city in Norway.
00:34:25What happened?
00:34:28How are we going to do this?
00:34:29What do you see?
00:34:56Nice.
00:34:57Nice.
00:34:57Nice.
00:34:57Nice.
00:34:57Nice.
00:34:57Nice.
00:34:59Nice.
00:35:04Yeah, it's potato.
00:35:05Turns out you don't like potato.
00:35:07I've tried to feed it to you many times.
00:35:09Do you like blueberries?
00:35:11Decided?
00:35:11Let's...
00:35:12You're one hungry child.
00:35:16What else can I feed you?
00:35:19Running out of options here, kiddo.
00:35:21Have you given him a pouch?
00:35:23There's lots of pouches.
00:35:24There's oatmeal.
00:35:25This guy doesn't know what to feed our child.
00:35:26This guy doesn't know what to feed our child.
00:35:32There you go.
00:35:33It's not too hot.
00:35:34Yeah, that's good.
00:35:34One of the first lines while we're in Norway...
00:35:37Let me just set the stage.
00:35:41I remember hiking this line.
00:35:42It was first thing in the morning, and I had to go to the bathroom.
00:35:49We get to this little safety spot, and I tell the crew, I'll meet you guys at the top.
00:35:56What they didn't know is that I had already shit my pants.
00:35:58It's not a contained shit.
00:36:03It was down my leggings.
00:36:05It was...
00:36:06a mess.
00:36:08And all I could keep thinking was, I still have to fucking make it to the top.
00:36:13Ride back down.
00:36:15Somehow clean my pants, because I only have one pair of pants.
00:36:18So I'm, like, using baby wipes.
00:36:20I'm, like, cleaning this stuff out.
00:36:21I'm trying to cover it up in snow.
00:36:24They're like, you good?
00:36:26I'm so good.
00:36:27What's your buddy's story?
00:36:33I cannot put it on the camera.
00:36:35I have to tell you something.
00:36:37So far.
00:36:38Dave.
00:36:40Mid-Mountain Deuce.
00:36:41It was awesome.
00:36:42I'm proud.
00:36:43That was proud of Kimmy.
00:36:46We don't talk about anything that goes on down there.
00:36:49Leaking, pooping, bowel function, prolapse.
00:36:53All these things are not sexy.
00:36:55But they're common.
00:36:56And we need to be more compassionate and patient with ourselves when it comes to healing.
00:37:01It can only go up from there.
00:37:03No, it only goes down.
00:37:05Oh, how the world keeps on spinning.
00:37:10It goes spinning out of control.
00:37:15How the world keeps on spinning.
00:37:20It goes spinning out of control.
00:37:23Oh my gosh, look at that fresh bread.
00:37:42Oh, I cannot do it.
00:37:44Oh, you got that old before me, little buster.
00:37:50Come here, dude.
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:53We had a really cozy bed friend in the bathroom and she slept like 12 hours.
00:38:01You must just feel like she's still in the belly or something, the swaying and the rock
00:38:05in the boat.
00:38:06This is the first time in his whole life that he had slept through the night and slept
00:38:11that long.
00:38:12I think we're going to be okay.
00:38:13Mom doesn't know I'm sneaking out.
00:38:15We have some code words.
00:38:17Gary needs an ice cream.
00:38:19Gary needs an ice cream.
00:38:22Not having any connection to the outside world, it just makes it really easy to be
00:38:33here and have a journal that I've sat down out here to start writing in it and my pen
00:38:37died and I was like, okay, I guess it's just time to just chill.
00:38:44Working jobs and having kids, there is this feeling like I'm trying to do both these things
00:38:51at the same time and failing at both.
00:38:54But I just think it's a setup and a trap.
00:38:58You can't do everything well.
00:39:00Time is finite.
00:39:01If you've only got an hour with your kid every day, be there.
00:39:06Where's the tiger?
00:39:07Yeah.
00:39:08Those are penguins.
00:39:09People think that happiness is a destination, but joy, happiness, those are moments of time.
00:39:18Time.
00:39:19It goes spinning.
00:39:20It goes spinning.
00:39:21It goes spinning, yeah.
00:39:25That was probably the closest we'll ever get to the old adage that we're going to get to the
00:39:32that it takes a village.
00:40:00Here she goes.
00:40:02Hello.
00:40:03Hello.
00:40:04You were saying mom the whole way down and she gets here and goes, you're excited.
00:40:07Hi.
00:40:08My dog.
00:40:09Hi, mom.
00:40:10My dog.
00:40:11Hi.
00:40:12Hi.
00:40:13My dog.
00:40:14Hi.
00:40:15That's my dog, you know.
00:40:18No right.
00:40:23Lamar.
00:40:26That's something I need.
00:40:28I just need more of that.
00:40:30Mama's boy.
00:40:34That's what I need.
00:40:35I just need more of that.
00:40:36Just had to take coming to the Arctic.
00:40:51As soon as I got service,
00:40:54I had this overwhelming amount of messages.
00:40:57There was a huge conversation happening
00:40:59about how protections for maternity were changing.
00:41:06Alicia Montano wrote an op-ed
00:41:09about an inequality in pregnancy
00:41:12with track and field athletes.
00:41:15In response, Donna came forward
00:41:18that she was changing all women's contracts at Burton
00:41:20to include maternity care.
00:41:23I was so grateful to Kimmy.
00:41:25She forced us to confront this issue.
00:41:28You cannot underestimate the power of a role model.
00:41:32A young woman has to see herself,
00:41:35and the next generation
00:41:37is going to have the example of Kimmy Fasani.
00:41:40This has been the biggest year of learning,
00:41:44and adapting, and slowing down in my life, Mama says.
00:41:48We got a plotter on Mama's story.
00:41:50Oops.
00:41:50My intention was never to be a pioneer.
00:41:56We're going to go snowboarding.
00:41:59We're going to go meet all the other little kids.
00:42:01Do you want to go meet all the other little kids?
00:42:03I promise you'll have fun.
00:42:04We're on the stairs.
00:42:05All of a sudden, I'm changing women's snowboarding.
00:42:09Everybody thinks I'm doing it all.
00:42:11But in the real world...
00:42:13You want to help?
00:42:14Like this?
00:42:15I promise you'll have fun.
00:42:16I promise you'll have fun.
00:42:17I promise you'll have fun.
00:42:18I promise you'll have fun.
00:42:19I promise you'll have fun.
00:42:21And then we're on the stairs.
00:42:22Push.
00:42:23All of a sudden, I'm changing women's snowboarding.
00:42:25Everybody thinks I'm doing it all.
00:42:27I'm doing it all.
00:42:31But in the real world...
00:42:34You want to help like this?
00:42:37Every day, it's a challenge.
00:42:41I'm not super woman.
00:42:47The biggest healing that was given to adolescents was to tell them,
00:42:51you can become anything you want when you grow up.
00:42:54For mothers, we've been given a close-ended process.
00:42:58You need to become this mother.
00:43:01No human can live up to this procured expectation
00:43:07that society has formulated for us.
00:43:10And so what ends up happening is we feel so bad about ourselves.
00:43:13Should I be doing this?
00:43:15Who am I?
00:43:16Is it okay that I'm this person?
00:43:19We lose our core.
00:43:22Your definition of yourself starts to change.
00:43:25Your perspective starts to shift,
00:43:27and many people don't understand how encompassing it can be.
00:43:32We usually silence around things that are complicated, uncomfortable.
00:43:37And silencing around motherhood is very commonplace
00:43:41because what you want to talk about is the hard stuff.
00:43:46But if you were to speak up, we might wonder if you're okay.
00:43:52Lookit, that's a nine.
00:43:54That's a nine.
00:43:56I'll ski for a little bit, and then I'll fly out to Denver.
00:44:00Yeah, I have an art show on the 28th.
00:44:04Do you think you'll be able to spell it?
00:44:06Yeah, we can make anything work, but it's a completely separate job,
00:44:10and it's so much work for me.
00:44:12Well, we need to find some time.
00:44:14Green light.
00:44:15Green, green, green, green, green.
00:44:17Now that COA was a little more independent,
00:44:19there was a little bit more freedom for me.
00:44:22I had an opportunity to be on a couple trips that winter,
00:44:26and one of them was back in Alaska.
00:44:29And I was looking forward to that.
00:44:32Do you want to go back to that?
00:44:36At the same time, I was presented with the biggest project
00:44:41of my career by far, and I had to jump on it.
00:44:48This is all just, like, coming at me full speed,
00:44:51and so I'm just trying to make everything happen.
00:44:54The project keeps growing and growing and growing.
00:44:57Yes, exactly.
00:44:58Generally, how it works is when the sun is out,
00:45:00it's daytime, and we do stuff.
00:45:02The rest of the time is night.
00:45:04Chris has so many moving parts right now.
00:45:07I just feel like he's stretched really thin.
00:45:12Chris was planning a film,
00:45:15and it was taking him across the world.
00:45:18I would never want to be the one that says,
00:45:20you cannot do this.
00:45:22I get it.
00:45:23But we were not on the same path.
00:45:27I was being put in the position of, this is what you do.
00:45:32Let me get your water.
00:45:34Mama has a sore throat,
00:45:35so she doesn't want you to drink out of my water.
00:45:37But you can have this.
00:45:38Ah!
00:45:41Soup!
00:45:43You want soup right now?
00:45:44Yeah.
00:45:45Do you want tea instead?
00:45:47Yeah.
00:45:48You want some tea?
00:45:49No.
00:45:51I'm sorry.
00:45:53You're saying sorry?
00:45:54No.
00:45:55No.
00:45:57Months went by.
00:45:59Yeah.
00:46:00I was just waiting.
00:46:03You want to read it now?
00:46:05No.
00:46:05Okay, I'll hold that.
00:46:07No, mama.
00:46:08You want me to move?
00:46:09Yeah.
00:46:10Okay.
00:46:11But there was so much joy because I was home with Koa.
00:46:16And it felt isolating and lonely.
00:46:26Your hands are cold.
00:46:27You should probably go in soon, okay?
00:46:29Confusing, really.
00:46:30So I made it here pretty quick.
00:46:32I wanted that freedom, that freedom that I saw Chris have.
00:46:37I was envious of his freedom.
00:46:52Women and mothers carry a much higher mental load.
00:46:59Even couples who have the best intentions on splitting things equally slip into these same
00:47:05patterns, society just puts a lot more parental expectation on women and mothers.
00:47:13The self-sacrificing mother is a trope that is also problematic.
00:47:20You're supposed to do it in a masochistic way and enjoy it the whole time.
00:47:24It's actually a grief process.
00:47:26That time of me, mine, I, that's done.
00:47:30I need to start making moves.
00:47:32Watch your movies.
00:47:33You're not going to have to go out to me.
00:47:35You're not going to have to go out to me.
00:47:36That's not a very nice voice.
00:47:38That's not a very nice voice.
00:47:40Mama's trying to work too.
00:47:41Would you like an apple?
00:47:43Yes.
00:47:44Thank you, girl.
00:47:45Can I have a big kiss?
00:47:46That was so sweet.
00:47:47That was so sweet.
00:47:48I see Chris just nonstop, moving, going, always saying yes.
00:47:56It frustrates her that I can't say no.
00:48:03What she doesn't understand is how much I actually do say no to.
00:48:07I have to head out of town, so I don't have all day, but.
00:48:10She wants me to throw my phone out the window, but this is me.
00:48:18Through this whole process, I wanted it to be an experiential thing.
00:48:22And it's always been me.
00:48:28The first three years of having a child is the hardest on any couple.
00:48:31You're in a stressful time like no other.
00:48:34What should happen is that stress gets processed.
00:48:37It gets moved.
00:48:38In the wild, animals shake their bodies.
00:48:40They move.
00:48:43But if you don't do that, it's more of like a shutdown.
00:48:46You're just dissociated as a way to cope.
00:48:48For many women, postpartum depression is the thing that they're not realizing that they're experiencing.
00:49:01I wouldn't be who I am without what I do.
00:49:08You know, I don't just snowboard because it's cool.
00:49:13I snowboard because it's what I love.
00:49:17It's also the thing that helps me deal with hard moments.
00:49:22So, going to Alaska is something that the last time I was there was when my mom died.
00:49:29And it was so healing.
00:49:49Hi.
00:49:50It's really hard to find the balance between two people that are super passionate about what they do.
00:50:03Or if one person really does have to give all of that up.
00:50:10If you had any suggestions on how you want to see February line up, and I know you can't create plans, that's...
00:50:18That's like, I'm just trying to see, okay, so...
00:50:22It's just asking ourselves, are we happy?
00:50:35I'm just trying to make a plan so that I have an answer.
00:50:38Anything I say isn't what you want to hear, so...
00:50:41Jerk.
00:50:43How am I such a jerk? I'm playing devil's advocate.
00:50:47It always blows up into everything, you know, like our whole life together.
00:50:58We throw the word around, the divorce word.
00:51:04And I'm dealing with so much of my own and becoming a father.
00:51:09Everything feels personal.
00:51:14How hard are we willing to push in our own directions?
00:51:20And what's going to break first?
00:51:22Pardon?
00:51:24Delete Chris's phone.
00:51:26Pardon?
00:51:27Whatever. Just do that, thank you.
00:51:28Chris's phone.
00:51:30Pardon?
00:51:32I needed to be back on my board so that I could be a better mother.
00:51:39I was going to take COA on a trip and I leaned into having a nanny.
00:51:45That was my option.
00:51:47And yet, I still doubted that my child would be okay in somebody else's care.
00:51:51I left COA and our nanny so that I could film with the crew.
00:52:02As soon as I walked back into the room, COA is really pale and pretty lethargic.
00:52:13I take him into a clinic.
00:52:15The nurse is like, if he doesn't pee by the end of the night, take him to the emergency room.
00:52:21He doesn't pee.
00:52:23And I get to the emergency room and the woman looks at me blank in the face and says,
00:52:29we have to get your child out of here immediately.
00:52:32He is extremely sick.
00:52:33Mama.
00:52:34Mama.
00:52:35Mama.
00:52:36Mama.
00:52:37Mama.
00:52:38It's okay.
00:52:40Mama.
00:52:41Mama.
00:52:42It's okay.
00:52:43Mama.
00:52:44Mama.
00:52:45COA has kidney failure.
00:52:46Chris jumped on the first flight he could.
00:52:55And they started dialysis on COA, just hoping that his body would go into self-rescue.
00:53:05It felt like we were going to lose our child.
00:53:09I just detached from anything else.
00:53:15All the busyness stopped.
00:53:20We never meant to jeopardize him.
00:53:24To think that I'm trying to go snowboarding and my kid almost dies, I would have never
00:53:33forgiven myself.
00:53:38It was a reminder to what is important in life.
00:53:43That does go right there.
00:53:46That does go right there.
00:53:47It was three weeks that we were in the hospital with COA and we got really lucky.
00:53:53The dialysis worked.
00:53:55They feel like it was a link to bacteria like E. coli or salmonella.
00:54:01And COA was able to recover.
00:54:04How about this?
00:54:05Come on.
00:54:06Oh, man.
00:54:07How many do you see?
00:54:08Oh, that was a good one.
00:54:09One, two, three.
00:54:10I want to get you.
00:54:18I want to get you.
00:54:27Yeah.
00:54:27Did he hit you?
00:54:28Yeah.
00:54:29I should go hide.
00:54:30Boo!
00:54:31Can you say boo?
00:54:32Boo.
00:54:34Boo.
00:54:35Boo.
00:54:35Boo.
00:54:57Motherhood is so rife with shoulds and supposed tos, convincing ourselves that we should
00:55:04and are supposed to be showing up in all these different ways.
00:55:10Where's mama and dada going?
00:55:12Working.
00:55:13We're going to go working?
00:55:14Yeah.
00:55:15Where are we going?
00:55:16Is it a place called Alaska?
00:55:18Yeah.
00:55:19I'll see you in Reno.
00:55:20Drive safe.
00:55:21I love you so much.
00:55:22A lot of the pressures that we feel, we do put on ourself.
00:55:29Watermelon, obviously, healthy site.
00:55:31It was already hard enough for me to leave.
00:55:33Yeah.
00:55:34But it was the end of the season.
00:55:36So I really wanted to try one last time.
00:55:39And at that time, it wasn't safe for COA to travel.
00:55:42Just stay up on hand washing with this whole coronavirus thing.
00:55:52Mammoth is closed until further notice.
00:56:00They just closed the Canada border, too.
00:56:03It's crazy, crazy in town, but...
00:56:06Yeah.
00:56:09It's a long way home.
00:56:11I have to trust her.
00:56:12I do trust her.
00:56:13If you feel a hundred percent...
00:56:15Of course, I can't say I feel a hundred percent.
00:56:17I'm trying to let go of it because there's nothing I can do.
00:56:19Yeah.
00:56:20I need to do my job.
00:56:21Yeah.
00:56:22I keep bailing on my job and I have to be here.
00:56:23I want to be here.
00:56:24I want you to be here.
00:56:25That's why I'm trying to figure it out myself of getting out of here.
00:56:31I'm very grateful that Chris is going home.
00:56:36And I'm choosing to stay in Alaska.
00:56:42It's a tug of war with your heart.
00:56:44The general consensus within our group is that everyone's going to stay.
00:56:53I feel like I'm being pulled, but I can't tell which way I'm being pulled.
00:56:57I love you.
00:56:58I love you.
00:56:59You're supposed to leave that side of you when you show up in the mountains.
00:57:05Selfishly, I want to be here and I want to snowboard.
00:57:16The other selfish part of me really wants to be home and mammoth with my son and Chris.
00:57:22And if we're all together, it's like, that's all that matters.
00:57:26There's a multiple lane highway in your head the minute you become a parent.
00:57:36You have to find a way to make peace with what your choices are.
00:57:39And that sounds a lot easier than it is.
00:57:41I don't think you'll get stuck forever.
00:57:47I know.
00:57:48And that's what's hard.
00:57:49It's like, I don't want to be sitting here selfish.
00:57:54It's almost like forcing that choice of family first, which obviously is first.
00:58:05I'm home and we're going to be on lockdown.
00:58:26There's a stay at home ordinance happening in Mammoth for a while.
00:58:33They're saying like, confine, isolate yourself for two weeks.
00:58:37So we'll have a lot of family time between now and then.
00:58:54Can I take a photo of you?
00:58:56Yeah, I'm filming.
00:58:58I think you just did it.
00:59:00Can you show me again?
00:59:01I don't know.
00:59:02Can you slip into your bindings?
00:59:04Are you trying to get your strats on?
00:59:06Yeah.
00:59:14Hi, buddy.
00:59:15I'm trying to go take a couple of runs.
00:59:29Still proving to pee.
00:59:31Quite the balancing act.
00:59:32I'm going to have my snort in Oracle.
00:59:33It used to always be about like first chair.
00:59:45Now it's just, can I get out of the house?
00:59:46Can I get out of the house?
00:59:47Do you think you can get out of the house?
01:00:01There was a rekindling with Chris and I.
01:00:03There was a healing.
01:00:04We were spending the most time we had ever spent together.
01:00:07We found peace and joy and all these wonderful things happened.
01:00:16We found peace and joy.
01:00:17Can you give us up on a big kiss?
01:00:18Can you give him a nose, Snuggie?
01:00:19We didn't have plans on the horizon.
01:00:35We got 13, 5.
01:00:37Bye.
01:00:38It felt so right.
01:00:43How today?
01:00:4410.30.
01:00:47Babies, they know when their mom leaves the house.
01:00:49So I wouldn't be surprised if I get a call too.
01:00:52But at least I know this time around.
01:00:55Now it's just more cherished to be able to get one run.
01:00:58One run feels like a million.
01:01:07Matrescence, while the starting point might be clear, the end point isn't clear.
01:01:15It happens again and again with every child.
01:01:18It may last a lifetime.
01:01:24And so we bring in the image of the spiral, meaning we might return to the same ground,
01:01:29but on a different level.
01:01:31It's almost like we're back in the same place, but totally different people.
01:01:37If we learned all of that in three years, what are we going to learn now?
01:01:42Mom, look out!
01:01:44Help me!
01:01:45Snowball attack!
01:01:46Oh no!
01:02:06They've identified this blanket term of inflammatory breast cancer,
01:02:18but now they're going to see what hormones attach to it,
01:02:22and then that's going to identify the exact type.
01:02:29It's just not what we were set up for this season.
01:02:33It was small, right on the edge of my chest.
01:02:43And I associated the lump in my breast to clogged milk ducts.
01:02:50It never even crossed my mind.
01:02:56I remember doing a self-check, feeling that lump, and then moving into my armpit and stopping.
01:03:05There was a pea-sized rock-hard nodule.
01:03:08That was Saturday, Monday at 9 a.m. I saw a breast specialist.
01:03:23The doctor said, you have inflammatory breast cancer, stop breastfeeding immediately.
01:03:40This type of cancer is really aggressive.
01:03:46You're going to have to be in chemo as fast as possible.
01:03:52All I wanted was a pause button.
01:03:58Silver car!
01:03:59Silver car!
01:04:00Red car!
01:04:01Silver truck!
01:04:02Silver truck!
01:04:03Silver truck!
01:04:04Silver truck!
01:04:05Silver truck!
01:04:17You already can't handle the amount of shit you have to do,
01:04:20so why not add on that you have to move again?
01:04:23Not easy enough this year.
01:04:31She did all of the right things.
01:04:33She's healthy.
01:04:34She takes care of her body.
01:04:37I wish it were me in her place.
01:04:40She's given my life value and purpose.
01:04:44Nikoa asked specifically that we bring those.
01:04:48I would be devastated to lose my partner.
01:04:53Can you tell me what's wrong?
01:04:55Because it's no better to be gone.
01:04:59But I just wish nothing more than that our children get their mother.
01:05:08This is actually a bag of pens that my mom had.
01:05:12For some reason, she had like a million.
01:05:15But anytime I need a new pen, I just come down and see what she had.
01:05:19Like I haven't even had time to go through and like, separate myself from her life.
01:05:26And now I'm trying to separate myself from my own life.
01:05:29When my mom was diagnosed, she knew all the facts.
01:05:37I mean, only 2.4% of breast cancers are inflammatory.
01:05:41This is not something that I see even once a year.
01:05:45This is something.
01:05:46She had witnessed enough people going through chemo.
01:05:51And she knew what she was going to do.
01:05:54I watched my mom go through this.
01:05:56I watched my dad go through this.
01:05:58And it's just so hard to imagine that I'm doing this now.
01:06:03It makes me sad.
01:06:05It makes me sad for my boys.
01:06:07So what I could do is put you on Wednesday, which is the separate...
01:06:10What?
01:06:11What would you do for you?
01:06:12Um...
01:06:14Wednesday.
01:06:15Would you be able to come to our kids?
01:06:20My mom told me that she was taking the end-of-life drugs.
01:06:24And my whole world just collapsed.
01:06:27I packed my bags.
01:06:33Drove through a blizzard.
01:06:36And it was once again just her and I.
01:06:40Embarking on this journey of end-of-life.
01:06:43Let's go, Knife.
01:06:46It's gonna be a lot lighter.
01:06:49Don't get him mixed up with the good hair.
01:06:51Did you know that every living thing is made up of tiny little guys called cells?
01:07:07They make hearts pump.
01:07:09Lungs breathe.
01:07:12He's coming to the cancer party!
01:07:14He's coming to the cancer party!
01:07:16But every once in a while one of the cells forgets what its job is.
01:07:19And since it doesn't know what else to do.
01:07:22It decides to have a...
01:07:23A day!
01:07:25Yay!
01:07:26Before long it's a big party.
01:07:28Okay, so I'm gonna spray you a lot today.
01:07:29Can you keep...
01:07:30And then going forward if you don't want to...
01:07:31Here it ends.
01:07:32No one's gonna shed a tear.
01:07:33No need to be a tear.
01:07:34No need to be a tear.
01:07:35No need to be a tear.
01:07:36No need to be a tear.
01:07:37No need to be a tear.
01:07:38No need to be a tear.
01:07:39Yeah, so I'm gonna spray you a lot today.
01:07:41Okay, so I'm gonna spray you a lot today.
01:07:42Can you keep...
01:07:43And then going forward if you don't want to wash.
01:07:44Okay, so I'm going to spray you a lot today, Kimmy, and then going forward if you don't
01:07:51want a lot.
01:07:52Here it ends, no one's gonna shed a tear, no need to shout, just to stand a silence.
01:08:11That's where the medicine went into mama.
01:08:13Isn't that cool?
01:08:14Do you have a hole there now?
01:08:15Yeah, see?
01:08:16We have to go get mommy on the airplane before she's late.
01:08:39We have to go get mommy on the airplane before she's late.
01:08:41How do we shut that cancer party down?
01:08:44How?
01:08:45Well, I have to keep going to the doctor.
01:08:48This is not what you wanted.
01:08:55I just got out of the shower and I'm losing my hair.
01:09:03How are you feeling?
01:09:04Okay.
01:09:05What?
01:09:06You're trying to get Koa's food, I know.
01:09:10What?
01:09:11Okay.
01:09:12Oh, look, he's sharing.
01:09:13Oh, thanks.
01:09:14I'll give it back soon.
01:09:18Parenting in the best of times, it's a challenge.
01:09:21There's just not a lot of room for things to go wrong.
01:09:25Sometimes you're just like, I'm just gonna go today and try to survive.
01:09:29Mommy!
01:09:30But then that emotional connection to a child is life-sustaining.
01:09:34Your hair is so part of going.
01:09:37Your bandwidth is stretched.
01:09:40Real motherhood is all of the feelings, all of the thoughts.
01:09:45What?
01:09:46This is not what you wanted.
01:09:52We're watching all this because that'd be sick, so we're gonna-
01:09:54Mommy can't get sick, so this is a big deal.
01:09:56Ask me to do this stuff.
01:09:57No, how would I ask?
01:09:58What do you mean you don't know how to ask?
01:09:59You suck.
01:10:00Mom, I thought we were going to that, Mark.
01:10:02Yeah.
01:10:03What?
01:10:04I'm just kidding.
01:10:05What?
01:10:06I'm just kidding.
01:10:07I'm just kidding.
01:10:08I'm just kidding.
01:10:09I'm just kidding.
01:10:10I'm just kidding.
01:10:11Nobody wants to meet you when I asked.
01:10:14I'm just kidding.
01:10:15Don't turn.
01:10:16Just fucking take me.
01:10:17Mom!
01:10:18Mom!
01:10:19I'm sick.
01:10:20Mom, I'm just-
01:10:21I'm just wanting you to hold my feet.
01:10:24I understand, honey.
01:10:25It just really hurts when you kick my tummy.
01:10:44I just want to keep going.
01:10:45My Schulmes said that, Wal'oh.
01:10:46Don't clap off while being友, but it's too cold.
01:10:47me so easy touggle, I della wasteland.
01:10:49I'm just going to open my foot feeling uncomfortable.
01:10:50Knowing you should be.
01:10:51I don't trust that this is something I want to use.
01:10:53I understand why most people need to taste.
01:10:54It's too cold, but it's what things come from.
01:10:55So excited to Galileo.
01:10:56I think Natalie looks so more on she does.
01:10:59Do you want to help me make some food?
01:11:12No.
01:11:13No.
01:11:14Leg rest.
01:11:19Do you think I should climb up that tree?
01:11:26I mean, do you want to?
01:11:28Yeah.
01:11:29Okay.
01:11:30During those last days with my mom, neither of us could sleep well.
01:11:36So we would go watch the sunrise.
01:11:41We would talk, we would share stories.
01:11:44Isn't that cool?
01:11:45It was like being a kid again.
01:11:47We had no schedule.
01:11:49All we knew is that we wanted to be together.
01:11:52And I asked my mom, how am I going to know when you come back to visit me?
01:11:56She's like, oh honey, I'm going to be ringing bells so loud.
01:11:59So cool.
01:12:02And then it was just the time.
01:12:06On the morning my mom died, she was meditating.
01:12:15She did not want to die in pain.
01:12:19She wanted to die on a joyous night.
01:12:21Mom!
01:12:22After watching X Games, with her closest friends and family around, she wasn't scared.
01:12:36She was ready.
01:12:39I was not ready.
01:12:42Okay, I've got to get my skates on still.
01:12:50I just want to take your picture a little bit.
01:12:55I remember holding her wrist and feeling her pulse.
01:13:01If I said, I love you, her pulse would get stronger.
01:13:06And I said, it's okay to let go.
01:13:09It would get fainter.
01:13:11Thank you, Mom.
01:13:13You're welcome.
01:13:16And I felt like I was in this synchronicity with her.
01:13:23And she let go.
01:13:31The mother, though in body, she may not be here.
01:13:41She is very much internalized.
01:13:45And we're talking to her the whole time.
01:13:50We will live on in our own children in the same way.
01:13:54With each generation, I consider it a baton pass.
01:13:58Not like here you take it, but more like this is as far as I can get.
01:14:02And now you take it a little bit further.
01:14:09Pure joy.
01:14:37Pure joy is pure observation.
01:14:50Pure joy is mindful balance.
01:14:57Pure joy is total acceptance.
01:15:02Pure joy is peaceful completeness.
01:15:14Pure joy is loving kindness.
01:15:20Pure joy is right here, right now.
01:15:25Cheers.
01:15:29Cheers.
01:15:58Such a beautiful day.
01:16:14The sun's coming up.
01:16:18The world's turning pretty quickly.
01:16:28They're surfing.
01:16:35Do you see your daddy?
01:16:39Most people thought I was crazy when I said I was going back to a competitive snowboard event.
01:16:47I'd just finished treatment, but I wanted to feel like myself.
01:16:58What's your favorite thing about mommy?
01:17:04Cuddling!
01:17:06Cuddling!
01:17:08How about you?
01:17:09Do you want to say, I love my mommy?
01:17:12Ta-da!
01:17:14There you go!
01:17:15I love you guys, I miss you.
01:17:17We love you, dear.
01:17:20I'm still not sold that I am capable of being a pro snowboarder and a mom.
01:17:25But I believe we can do more than we think we can.
01:17:35Good morning.
01:17:36Good morning.
01:17:40Regardless of when I leave my kids, I feel uncomfortable.
01:17:44But it's a feeling I've learned how to sit with.
01:17:48And I want my kids to bear witness to passion.
01:17:53I want them to be able to ground themselves in whatever makes them happy.
01:18:05Welcome to the 2023 Natural Selection Tour.
01:18:10And we got 12 of the world's best snowboarders that are going to take to this course.
01:18:13Incredible!
01:18:14Alaska is always that place that really puts riders to the test, both mentally and physically.
01:18:19When I was being trained, I was very interested in women who survived cancers.
01:18:27If you survive a death-defying experience, you're confronted with your mortality.
01:18:32And you start to have a real reorientation, a real mind change.
01:18:38Kimi Fasani up next, a household name in snowboarding.
01:18:46And this incredibly talented rider is beginning a new chapter in her career.
01:18:52Moms don't get the credit that they deserve.
01:18:54Talk about real-world inspiration.
01:18:56I spoke with Kimi before, and she was asking herself, am I ready?
01:19:01Am I physically ready to get back at this?
01:19:03And her ultimate thought was, are we ever really ready?
01:19:07We were curious whether that change would happen with not only death-defying experiences,
01:19:13but life-affirming experiences.
01:19:15Like having children.
01:19:16Whether that's through adoption, surrogacy, step-parenting, a child can come into our life
01:19:22in many different ways.
01:19:25And when I started talking to parents, I heard the same story of this both-and experience.
01:19:32Tension of the opposites.
01:19:34The deep grief.
01:19:35The loss of the previous life as they knew it.
01:19:38But also this transformation.
01:19:42They were getting deeper and wider and better as humans.
01:19:46We're going to cheer her on.
01:19:47It's live.
01:19:48Here goes Moms.
01:19:54I don't think I'll be the best version of myself until the day I die.
01:20:06Look at that angle.
01:20:08Oh my gosh, that is so gnarly.
01:20:10Kimi Fasani in her element right now.
01:20:13This process of giving the self over to symbolic death and rebirth is the adventure.
01:20:29It's heroic.
01:20:29It's one of the most incredible comebacks in snowboarding history.
01:20:42Oh my God, that was so hard.
01:20:45Holy shit.
01:20:47I mean, sugar.
01:20:48I got it.
01:21:07I got it!
01:21:07All of the time that we took for granted
01:21:29Thinking tomorrow's just another day
01:21:34Sun on your face with the windows open
01:21:40I never got the chance to say
01:21:46I know your wings are getting heavy
01:21:52You can't let go when you're ready
01:21:59To fly
01:22:01To fly
01:22:02To fly
01:22:03Fly
01:22:04Fly
01:22:05I know I'm me between heaven and the sky
01:22:13I
01:22:15I
01:22:17I'll try
01:22:19I'm gonna try to find the good after goodbye
01:22:26Butterfly
01:22:30You come down to visit your favorite flower
01:22:36Catching the wind in the light of day
01:22:41Keep sending me bittersweet reminders
01:22:47Signs you're never really far away
01:22:53You know I will always need you
01:23:00I feel better when I see you
01:23:07Fly, fly
01:23:12I know I meet between heaven and the sky
01:23:20I, I'll try
01:23:26I'm gonna try to find the good after goodbye
01:23:33Butterfly
01:23:39Butterfly
01:23:41Fly
01:23:43Till next time
01:23:48Butterfly
01:23:51Butterfly
01:23:55Fly
01:23:56Till next time
01:24:01Butterfly
01:24:04Butterfly
01:24:12Fly
01:24:14Fly
01:24:16Fly
01:24:17Fly
01:24:18Fly
01:24:19Fly
01:24:20Fly
01:24:21Fly
01:24:22Fly
01:24:23Fly
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