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Transcript
00:00Merry Christmas, Mr. A.
00:16Merry Christmas, Mr. C.C.
00:17Congratulations on your $14 billion market valuation.
00:21Bravo.
00:30You sure you won't pick the Jets, you're the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company.
00:39This truck is just...
00:40There's nothing wrong with a road trip.
00:42I want to keep it a surprise.
00:44I'm going to go home for Christmas with my wife and tell her who I really am.
01:00Big City Company, Maple Tech, is coming to our town to build a mall.
01:04Bring everyone jobs.
01:05Don't y'all forget, as mayor, I'm the one that made this happen.
01:10I am putting our town on the map.
01:13Maple Tech's CEO, Mr. A, did those things.
01:17He built the company from scratch.
01:20He is bringing jobs.
01:22Yes.
01:23And as mayor, I brought Maple Tech here.
01:25And its mysterious CEO.
01:28Me.
01:29When do we get to meet the CEO?
01:31He'll be here tomorrow.
01:32And I'm going to throw him a big ol' welcome party where he will finally reveal his identity
01:37to me.
01:37To us.
01:38Mom, I can't wait to see Daddy.
01:41Here, see.
01:42Come on.
01:44Jane?
01:46Jane Reynolds?
01:48You look as stunning as you did in high school.
01:51You're not still married to that punching bag loser, Eddie?
01:53My dad's not a loser.
02:01Oh, darling.
02:03When we were in high school, your daddy was a big-time loser.
02:06He was going nowhere with his life.
02:12Which is why he skipped town and left you and your mom in shame.
02:18Making fun of a little girl at Christmas time.
02:22Are you sure you're this town's mayor or just its local screen?
02:26And the mall looks great, y'all.
02:28You really didn't have to do all this for me.
02:30It's Mr. Andrews, our CEO.
02:32That's the Maple Tech CEO.
02:34He's a day early.
02:38I am so sorry, sir.
02:40We were not expecting you until tomorrow.
02:42But let me be the first to say this.
02:44The loser, Eddie Andrews.
02:55You can't possibly be the Maple Tech CEO.
03:03False alarm, everyone.
03:05It's not the CEO.
03:07It's a deadbeat loser that I used to beat up in high school.
03:10Jane, I know I've been gone for far too long.
03:15But I've been working.
03:17I'm just going to be home.
03:18Make sure you come back tomorrow where we will welcome a man who is exactly the opposite of Eddie.
03:26A real man.
03:27A rich man.
03:29A CEO.
03:30The CEOs, right?
03:34Duncan, don't tell me you're still jealous that Jane picked me over you.
03:38I'm so fucked.
03:39Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to kiss my wife and take her home.
03:44Okay.
03:48My family's with me.
03:54Mommy.
04:00Sir, when are you going to reveal to these people that you're CEO?
04:04Soon.
04:05But I want to spend Christmas with my family and tell them first.
04:08Yes.
04:10That's the CEO.
04:12He's hot.
04:16Hey, woohoo!
04:18You're just so glad you're here.
04:22It's been so hard being part of yourself.
04:23Well, I am never, ever going to leave my family ever again.
04:27Okay?
04:28Well, well, well.
04:31Deadbeat husband and father finally returns.
04:36The only thing this family wants for Christmas is for you to get out of our lives.
04:42Divorce Jane now.
04:44Mom, what are you doing?
04:47What you should have done years ago?
04:49Your husband was a loser back then.
04:51And he clearly still is.
04:53Sasha, don't listen to them.
04:54Dad, tell mom that she's being crazy.
04:59Eddie, Maple Tech came this Christmas.
05:02All the real men in town got great jobs.
05:04You're still a loser.
05:07Hey.
05:07Shame!
05:10Princess?
05:11Don't listen to your grandma, okay?
05:13She's just tired.
05:14Tired of you?
05:15Worthless.
05:16Can you not take that tone in front of my daughter?
05:19I'm teaching her manners and respect.
05:21Respect?
05:21Respect this family by leaving it.
05:25Sign the divorce papers.
05:28It's okay.
05:30I'll read it.
05:32Please.
05:33You can probably barely read.
05:35Our lawyer spent days on this.
05:37You can't comprehend it.
05:39You know what?
05:39I may just be a small town boy, but even I can see this document is rather flawed.
05:45You don't know anything about the laws.
05:48I'm going to get our lawyer on the phone to rip you a new one.
05:51He's so good, he does contracts for Maple Tech.
05:55Bob.
05:55Okay.
05:56Our worthless son-in-law is being annoying.
05:58Tell him what will happen to him if he doesn't sign.
06:01Gladly.
06:02What's that idiot saying?
06:04Bob, is it?
06:05Great to meet you.
06:06I just wanted to let you know this document is pretty flawed.
06:10Already I'm seeing in Clause A, Subsection B, that there's no legal precedent.
06:14And did I hear right?
06:16You work for Maple Tech?
06:18That's interesting.
06:20That voice.
06:22You're right, sir.
06:23Don't sign it.
06:24I'm sorry to have bothered you.
06:25Ms. Reynolds, I resign as your attorney.
06:28Don't call me again.
06:31What?
06:33How do we recognize your voice?
06:34What in God's name?
06:36We paid our lawyer thousands of dollars to make that divorce agreement.
06:41How did nobody like Eddie know more than him?
06:44He's unemployed, so he has all the time in the world to read Wikipedia like an idiot.
06:49That's how.
06:50Daddy, why is Grandma mad?
06:53It's Christmas.
06:54I know.
06:55But everything's going to be just fine.
06:57Let's go inside, all right?
06:58I'm not dropping, Miss Eddie.
07:05This Christmas, I will get Jane to dump you.
07:08I have a plan.
07:09With all due respect, Mrs. Reynolds, your daughter is the love of my life.
07:15And no amount of money could ever make me leave her.
07:17I wish Jane would have married a real man, like Jared.
07:21Oh, look.
07:22There he is now.
07:24Jane Reynolds.
07:27You look more stunning than I remember.
07:33Eddie!
07:34The last time I remember seeing you, me and the future mayor were stuffing you in a locker.
07:43Wasn't that the first time that Jane rejected you for me?
07:50You want another beatdown?
07:53Sasha, go play with your cousin Robbie, okay?
08:00Hi, cousin Robbie.
08:01Can I play?
08:06Ha ha!
08:07My pins say you're dead to a loser.
08:09That means you are too.
08:12Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds.
08:15What a pleasure.
08:17Oh, you look so handsome and successful.
08:21Definitely, Jane.
08:23I mean, he looks better than he did in high school with that ridiculous mullet.
08:28Jane, show some respect.
08:29Jim is a highly successful businessman.
08:33He's an executive at Naples.
08:35Oh, really?
08:36Uh-huh.
08:36You're an executive.
08:37Well, then you must have met the CEO, right?
08:40Well, why don't you tell us how is the big man?
08:44You're goddamn right I've met the CEO.
08:48He's a great man.
08:49He's entrusted me.
08:50I'm basically running the company office here in town and the mall project.
08:57Wow.
08:58You work for Maple Tech?
09:00Really?
09:02I sure do, kid.
09:04And your dad?
09:06He wouldn't know that kind of success.
09:08Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
09:10Would you, Eddie?
09:11Ha ha ha, Sasha!
09:12Your dad's a loser!
09:14Hey, princess, don't worry.
09:18I've got a feeling that Jared is going to eat his words and get what he deserves pretty soon.
09:24The only thing Jared deserves is a promotion.
09:28He's big at Maple Tech.
09:29The CEO, he'll probably be calling and promoting me any day now.
09:33Don't worry about Eddie, Mrs. Reynolds.
09:35He's just jealous.
09:37Come on, everyone.
09:38It's Christmas, okay?
09:41Let's go for it.
09:41Why is that man Jared so mean?
09:51You know why?
09:52It's because successful men, they don't brag.
09:55They're humble.
09:58Hey, you want to watch Daddy teach Jared a little Christmas lesson?
10:03It'll be our little secret, okay?
10:05Hey, we hired a local middle manager named Jared.
10:13Demote him for me.
10:14Yes, right away, Mr. A.
10:21Jeannie.
10:22Eddie can't give you what you deserve.
10:24With my high-paying job, I could give you it all.
10:28Jared?
10:28Jared, I'm married.
10:30You and Jared would make such a beautiful match.
10:33Yeah, middle management, it has its perks.
10:35I could take you out on the company dime.
10:38Maybe get this little hotel suite.
10:40Something tells me you're not management material, Jared.
10:45Eddie, stop.
10:47What would you know about who or what Maple Tech material is?
10:52You're not cut out to wash the floors at the mall.
10:56I'm just saying, maybe you should check on your current job status.
11:00What are you doing, Eddie?
11:02I want you to go home for good.
11:03So stop antagonizing Maple Tech.
11:05They are the biggest employer in town.
11:07Eddie isn't the kind of guy that Maple Tech would hire.
11:11Trust me, I know the CEO.
11:13The only thing I need to question about my job status
11:16is how soon they're going to be promoting me.
11:22It's Mrs. Henderson, Maple Tech VP.
11:26Oh, exciting.
11:27She's getting promoted.
11:31I'm going to get a promotion, and then you're going to be mine, Jane.
11:36You're not getting promoted, Jared.
11:38You're getting demoted.
11:42Mrs. Henderson, what an honor it is to speak with you again.
11:46Again.
11:47We've never met, and despite what you've been saying,
11:50you have no idea who our CEO is.
11:53You're not Maple Tech management material.
11:55We're demoting you to mailroom duties.
11:58What?
11:59But why?
12:01Please, no, no!
12:03What?
12:05What did you do, loser?
12:07Eddie, how did you know that?
12:08Only the CEO could have known that.
12:11The CEO?
12:14Eddie?
12:14Eddie, what's going on?
12:17Are you CEO?
12:18Eddie?
12:19Oh.
12:22He didn't do anything.
12:24This is a big misunderstanding.
12:26I'm going to go inside.
12:27I'm going to make a phone call.
12:29Sorry.
12:38Craig?
12:39Stop drinking and help me.
12:41I got a bad bag, woman.
12:43I don't depend on you.
12:43Oh, Christ, that loser's here.
12:45Eddie, I remember my brother Craig and his wife Christina.
12:52Yeah, yeah, of course. Merry Christmas, Tebow.
12:55Uh, you're still married to this deadbeat, Jane?
13:00Nuh-uh. No presents for loser kids and their deadbeat dads.
13:04Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
13:07Oh, that's my baby! He's so funny!
13:11Jane, I don't know what your husband did with my job, but I'm gonna sort it out.
13:16Wow! Jared! This is the best gift ever!
13:22Robbie, can I play with it?
13:24No, tell her. You're an advocate you are.
13:26Aww. Aww.
13:29Robbie, don't rub Salt in Sasha's wounds.
13:34Her dad's too poor to buy her Christmas gifts.
13:38That's, uh, actually, uh, that's wrong. I did get her a Christmas gift.
13:46In fact, it's Maple Tech's new state-of-the-art virtual reality concept.
13:51Virtual reality? Wow, dad!
13:54No way! I don't believe it!
13:57Eddie, you really got her that?
13:59Of course not. Maple Tech hasn't even released that set to market yet. No one can buy it.
14:04LOL, Eddie. The new VR system from Maple Tech cost over $30,000.
14:10Lying to an idiot. You have no shame.
14:15Jane, this is how low your pathetic husband is stooped.
14:19Eddie, the holidays can be hard on a struggling parent. You don't have to lie.
14:25Just admit, you're too poor to buy your kid a gift. It's okay.
14:31But I was so excited.
14:34Sasha, honey, your dad didn't mean that.
14:38I will get you a gift. Smaller gift.
14:41No, I did mean it. It's just waiting to be delivered at the local Maple Tech R&D warehouse.
14:47You are a lying sacrif—
14:52It's not a toy store. It's a top-secret classified facility. Employees don't even have access.
14:58A worthless, unemployed nobody shirt wall.
15:00You just don't get any toy gifts. Ha ha!
15:07Jared, Jared, Jared. You never learn, do you?
15:11I know the location of the secret warehouse. I even know the security code.
15:18Eddie, just stop. You are upsetting Sasha and getting your hopes out—
15:23You're shameless. You're—
15:29Jesus. The address of the warehouse is on it. On company letterhead.
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