STAND UP COMEDIAN- One video-endless Jokes.

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"Get ready to LOL with our non-stop joke fest! From witty one-liners to hilarious puns, this video is packed with laugh-out-loud moments that'll keep you entertained from start to finish. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ultimate comedy experience! With fresh jokes, clever wordplay, and side-splitting humor, you'll be hooked from the very first joke. Share with friends and family to spread the laughter!"

Transcript

00:01Hello

00:02Hello, how are you? You look happy. I am. I'm quite delighted

00:07And what's your name? It's my name is Deliso Deliso Chaponda. That's amazing. That's a Malawian name. Malawian

00:14Yes, so I'm from Malawi, but I live in Manchester. Why have you come on Britain's Got Talent?

00:18I've come to make the people laugh. I am a comedian. Oh, yes!

00:25I would love the winner of Britain's Got Talent this year to be a comedian. No pressure

00:30No pressure

00:31Who are you here with? So I'm here just alone. I have my brother. No, no, he wanted to come

00:36He's a doctor and he was like either. I should save lives or come with you

00:41Were your parents disappointed that one of you was a comedian one of you was a doctor?

00:45They were absolutely horrified because I was studying computer programming, so I had a future

00:50And I just decided no, let me be a clown

00:55So we shall see. Oh darling, good luck. Okay, excellent

01:02Well, I'm at that age now all my friends are getting married and married people forget how horrible it is being single

01:08They love to call me and complain about their couple problems

01:11Always get you're so lucky being single

01:13I get home. My wife just starts nagging nag nag nag. I'm like hey, I have to nag myself

01:18I get home. I'm like what time do I call this?

01:26Why don't I ever do the dishes?

01:29Sometimes I think I don't appreciate myself

01:37I haven't always been a comedian. I did some weird jobs

01:39I used to clean houses and I'll admit I was tempted to steal

01:42I didn't steal because the Bible says thou shalt not steal but nowhere does it say thou shalt not swap

01:57I took a stereo left a Walkman took a plasma screen left an Etch-a-Sketch

02:06As I mentioned I am from Africa I moved here 10 years ago and immediately I moved here

02:10I heard a lot of British people talking about the financial crisis the recession

02:16I'm from Africa. What are you maniacs talking about?

02:20You call that a crisis if that's a crisis where is UNICEF?

02:26Where is Bono?

02:29I have not seen one save the UK concert

02:33You can tell me it's a financial crisis when their planes flying over Birmingham tossing fish and chips out the window

02:40It will be a financial crisis when their ads on television saying this chav has to walk five miles a day

02:56To get a bottle of WKD blue

02:58And 100% you have got a financial crisis when India starts opening call centers here

03:15Can you imagine some poor guy in Mumbai calls his bank ends up talking to a Brummie

03:19Thank you so much

03:24Thank you so much

03:44Yeah

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13:15Mugabe joke.

13:17You think I'll go to North Korea and do a Kim Jong-un joke?

13:21It would be, Britain's got arrests.

13:25But I love being here, I love being here.

13:28And I do get some weird racism sometimes, but it's very subtle.

13:31It's little things like, I was in a store the other day, somebody sold me.

13:35Thought I was going to steal something, started following me through their eyes.

13:38I just had a bit of fun, I just went...

13:43Can you help me?

13:44I mean, I want to steal this.

13:55But I'll admit, racism happens in all directions.

13:58It's not just white on black, it happens black on white, it happens in my own family.

14:02I was so ashamed.

14:04A friend of mine from Denmark decided to go backpacking across Africa.

14:08He passed through Malawi.

14:09A lot of my uncles had seen white people on television, never met one.

14:14They got mighty excited.

14:16I got a call, he said, your white friend is coming here.

14:18Wow.

14:19He must stay with me.

14:21Don't worry, I can cook rice.

14:23I think he figured white people need to eat white food.

14:26So I let him stay with my rice uncle, Ben.

14:37But after two days, my uncle was looking very upset.

14:39I said, what's wrong?

14:40He said, ah, I think you give me defective white man.

14:43I said, what do you mean he's defective?

14:46He said, your friend, he acts exactly like us.

14:50I said, he's a human being.

14:52What did you expect?

14:53And with a tear in his eye, I was like, I thought he was going to do some crazy white things.

14:59He just wanted a story for the pub.

15:01So when no one is looking, I went to Matthias.

15:03I said, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, next few days, just do some crazy white things.

15:07Give him a story.

15:08He said, no, I'm the first white man he's ever met.

15:10I think it's very important that I don't live up to any false stereotypes.

15:14I said, Matthias, you're not paying for food.

15:16You're not paying for accommodation.

15:17The least you can do is some crazy white things.

15:20So he slept with my uncle's wife.

15:21And then he took his land.

15:37And then he made him a Christian.

15:40Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

15:42It's been a pleasure.

15:51Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

16:09Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

16:13Thank you, judges.

16:14How are you all doing?

16:16Well, it is great to be back, ladies and gentlemen.

16:20When I did Britain's Got Talent in 2017, I came third.

16:28I am very happy with third.

16:30Because the way I look at it, coming third, if it was an Olympic 100 meters, is like being the first white guy.

16:39But the person who won in 2017 gave all of the prize money to charity to help underprivileged children.

16:47Isn't that amazing?

16:50You had better be impressed, because I would not have done that.

16:57I would be in Hawaii right now.

17:00And I'm not a monster.

17:02I would have given some of the money to help underprivileged women.

17:05But that would have been on a one-by-one personal arrangement basis.

17:14And I'm single again.

17:15And the world is built for couples.

17:18It likes to remind you that you're single.

17:21You go to a fancy hotel.

17:22They put two gowns on the bed.

17:24One of them is empty, judging you.

17:25Everything comes in packs of two.

17:29Even ready meals.

17:30The food of the lonely stays perfect for two.

17:33But I'm at that stage in my career, which is interesting.

17:38Because I get recognized a lot, but a lot of people don't know why they recognize me.

17:43I was on a train recently, and someone started making guesses.

17:48He's like, did we go to school together, mate?

17:49I was like, no, that's not it.

17:51Crime watch!

17:52I was like, no, that's not it.

17:53He figures it out.

17:55He jumps and he says, I saw this guy on BGT.

17:58He's really funny.

17:59Did you see him?

17:59I voted for you five times.

18:01You're really funny.

18:01I saw this guy.

18:02One of the people he nudged, did you think he's funny?

18:04And the guy he nudged said, no, he was terrible.

18:07And then I sat there awkwardly as the entire train carriage erupted into a debate about whether

18:13it was funny.

18:13I just thought it wasn't there.

18:14He was really funny.

18:15No, he was terrible.

18:16No, he was funny.

18:17No, he was terrible.

18:18And I realized I'm the new Brexit.

18:23And I used to do a lot of Brexit jokes, but I haven't done any this year because I don't

18:33know what's going on.

18:35I had to go back to Africa just to see what a stable government looks like.

18:46You did it to yourselves.

18:48You did it to yourselves.

18:49I'm African.

18:50I could have advised you.

18:52You never have a vote unless you rig it first.

18:58But the biggest difference in Africa is actually the churches.

19:02Clap your hand if you've been to an African church.

19:06You should all go whether or not you are religious because we have fun in there.

19:11There are people clapping, right?

19:13People singing.

19:14People jumping up saying, hallelujah, amen.

19:17It's a party.

19:18This is what I grew up with.

19:20The first time I went to a British Anglican church, I was confused.

19:26It was so boring.

19:27I was like, somebody stand up.

19:28God is busy.

19:29You've got to get his attention.

19:31And in African churches, it is even better because we have got miracles going down.

19:39I was once next to a woman who started speaking in tongues.

19:43I didn't expect it.

19:44She just got up and went, I didn't know what it meant.

19:48Then I moved to the UK.

19:49Okay, now I know it was Welsh.

19:53Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

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