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Deon Cole: Cole Hearted (2019) is a stand-up comedy special featuring comedian Deon Cole. With his signature laid-back style and sharp wit, Cole delivers hilarious takes on everyday life, relationships, and the little things that connect us all. Known from shows like Black-ish and Grown-ish, Deon Cole brings his unique perspective and humor to the stage in this laugh-out-loud performance.
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00:00:00Live from Charlotte, North Carolina,
00:00:10we are proud to present Chicago's own Dion Cole.
00:00:30We are proud to present Chicago's own Dion Cole.
00:00:57Charlotte, make some motherfucking noise.
00:00:59Thank you so much, man. I appreciate y'all.
00:01:08Look, I only got an hour,
00:01:10so we gotta hurry up and get into this shit, all right?
00:01:13So let's get this shit going.
00:01:14White people, is there anything you hate about black people?
00:01:18Go.
00:01:22Nothing? Nothing at all.
00:01:23Black people cool as hell, huh?
00:01:25Ain't nothing wrong with black people at all.
00:01:27Y'all don't want to say nothing, huh?
00:01:29Okay.
00:01:30Let's go.
00:01:31Watch this.
00:01:32Black people.
00:01:33Black people.
00:01:40Niggas like, oh!
00:01:42Oh, pick me!
00:01:43Pick me!
00:01:44Oh!
00:01:45This shit just happened, nigga.
00:01:46I gotta tell you about it.
00:01:48I got to tell you about it.
00:01:49It's all good, man.
00:01:50Yo, man.
00:01:51I had to do my shit here out in Charlotte, man.
00:01:52I was around the city last night kicking it.
00:01:53Went to this little R&B spot.
00:01:54I love like R&B, like 90s R&B music.
00:01:55That's my shit.
00:01:56Cause all the music back then, all the lyrics, lyrics was about giving women shit that you
00:02:01really didn't have to give them, you know?
00:02:03Like that one group after seven, they had this one song.
00:02:04The lyrics went, I give you the sun, the rain, the moon, the stars, and the mountains.
00:02:10Shit!
00:02:11Woo!
00:02:12I give you the sun, the rain, the moon, the stars, and the mountains.
00:02:14Shit!
00:02:15Woo!
00:02:16This motherfucker must know God personally.
00:02:17Just be giving that away, right?
00:02:44That's just some shit to say to a motherfucker, ain't it?
00:02:46Give you the moon, the stars, and the mountain.
00:02:48I give you the world and all that you wish for.
00:02:56And even more.
00:03:00Wow.
00:03:02Ain't nobody writing songs like that no more.
00:03:05Uh-uh.
00:03:06These young dudes nowadays, nah, they like,
00:03:09I give you this dick.
00:03:14This dick, dick.
00:03:31Don't laugh with me, y'all be right there.
00:03:33Let me get on this dick here.
00:03:35Let me get on this dick.
00:03:43Man, we've been all over, man, for the past two years,
00:03:45trying to get this material together for this Netflix special,
00:03:48man.
00:03:49We went down to Peoria, Illinois.
00:03:50When we was down there, we saw a deaf church.
00:03:53I ain't never seen that before.
00:03:54Like, the whole congregation was deaf.
00:03:56I was like, wow, that's tripped out.
00:03:58But I was like, that's cool as hell.
00:04:00And I instantly start thinking, I hope the past ain't black.
00:04:05Because you know, black preachers, they good for saying,
00:04:07y'all don't hear me.
00:04:20That's what they say.
00:04:23They say that, and they repeat themselves.
00:04:26That's why black sermons last so long,
00:04:28because the preachers keep repeating themselves.
00:04:29It's like you sitting through two sermons.
00:04:33If you do good, good will come to you.
00:04:37Y'all don't hear me.
00:04:38I said, if you do good,
00:04:47you be like, we heard you already, motherfucker, damn.
00:04:51You're going to make us miss the game.
00:04:59Then I went to Chicago, my hometown.
00:05:01Went there to go work on some material.
00:05:03But it was too cold at the time, man.
00:05:06It was so cold at the time.
00:05:08My cousin, Leslie, he gay.
00:05:10And he said it was too cold to be gay.
00:05:14I believed him, too, because usually he switch when he walk.
00:05:17Man, he wasn't switching that night.
00:05:22I was like, why you ain't switching?
00:05:24He was like, it's too cold for all that bullshit right now.
00:05:30I'll find me a man later.
00:05:36The problem about my cousin, he won't come out the closet.
00:05:38And we keep telling him, just come out the closet, dude.
00:05:41You're making it complicated being in the closet.
00:05:43Just come on out the closet, man.
00:05:44We're going to treat you the same.
00:05:46We know you in there.
00:05:50We hear you rambling around in there, motherfucker.
00:05:53Fuck out that closet and put this goddamn shawl on
00:05:56so we can go in.
00:06:03He always saying gay stuff to me.
00:06:05He'll be like, hey, you.
00:06:11Who the fuck you hey you in?
00:06:13See all that mouth you got?
00:06:14That's why you can't prosper in life,
00:06:16because of all that mouth you got.
00:06:18I'm like, nigga, what did I tell you
00:06:20about talking to me with your fingers?
00:06:23He like, look, you go run your errands.
00:06:25I'm going to go to the gym, and we
00:06:26going to meet back here in about an hour.
00:06:28I'm like, yeah, all right.
00:06:29He like, slap.
00:06:32I'm like, what the hell is that?
00:06:34He like, sound like a plan.
00:06:53You better not steal my cousin's shit.
00:06:55I better not see one hashtag.
00:07:00I'll beat your ass.
00:07:06I can see it in your faces.
00:07:08Don't steal it shit.
00:07:14Bitch, when we leave here, we going to the club.
00:07:16Then we went down to Atlanta and work on some material.
00:07:39Yeah, OK.
00:07:41I went down to Atlanta, had the worst threesome of my life.
00:07:52I ain't even lying.
00:07:53The girl came to my show.
00:07:54She was just like this.
00:07:56Yeah, me and my girl, we was looking at you on Instagram.
00:07:58We was like, you can get it.
00:07:59So I'm going to go get my girl and bring her over here.
00:08:01Maybe we can have a little fun tonight.
00:08:02I'm like, wait a minute, how your girl looks?
00:08:04She was like, she's straight.
00:08:05I'm like, OK, nigga.
00:08:15White people, any time a black man's story
00:08:17starts with, nigga, it ain't good.
00:08:24This chick was 6'7, man bun, had one of them
00:08:30hooping backpacks with just a string as a harness.
00:08:34You see them backpacks, them hooping niggas be wearing.
00:08:36They be all flat and flimsy.
00:08:39This is how she walked in the room.
00:08:48I'm like, who y'all about to fuck, me?
00:08:51Girl, I ain't about to run no train on me.
00:08:53Fuck that.
00:08:58Clearly, this motherfucker just scored a triple-double somewhere.
00:09:03And now you about to fuck me.
00:09:04She's crazy.
00:09:07I'm walking in the room, sizing me up.
00:09:13OK, you work.
00:09:18All right, all right.
00:09:19This who we putting that work on, him right here?
00:09:21OK.
00:09:23OK.
00:09:24I like thick slim right here.
00:09:27Thick slim looks fine in the motherfucker, don't he?
00:09:28Big slim got my pussy hard to know he's?
00:09:35Why is your pussy hard?
00:09:45You not a man, motherfucker.
00:09:49When she got undressed, she took her shorts off over her Air Force
00:09:51Air Force Ones.
00:09:56She ain't even buttin' her blouse.
00:09:58She just pulled it straight over her head.
00:10:01It was still wrapped around her arms like this.
00:10:05You know, like your nephew do, just...
00:10:08Bra, everything, just pulled that shit straight over.
00:10:16Yeah, I'm like, I'm done fuckin' with these Atlanta women.
00:10:21I lost my phone about a month ago, got it back.
00:10:26I didn't even think I was gonna get it back, neither,
00:10:29because I got one in the wallet phones.
00:10:30You can keep your credit card and stuff in.
00:10:32They told me this white dude turned it in,
00:10:34and I was like, that's what's up.
00:10:38See, when white people find shit, they call lost and found.
00:10:42When black people find shit, they call it a blessing.
00:10:51They call it a blessing.
00:11:05W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W!
00:11:09Thank you, Jesus.
00:11:12I just told you I cracked my screen
00:11:13and need a new phone.
00:11:17Won't he do it?
00:11:18Won't he will?
00:11:26Won't he will?
00:11:29That's the blackest shit ever. Won't he will?
00:11:37When I said, uh, won't he do it, do you know who he is?
00:11:43You don't?
00:11:48He's like, your inner self?
00:12:01When you hear the expression, won't he do it, from black people, what we're talking about, we're talking about God, okay?
00:12:07So next time you hear that, you'll know we're talking about God, all right?
00:12:10So next time you hear a black person go, won't he do it, you go, yes, he will.
00:12:18Won't he do it?
00:12:29Yes he will.
00:12:29Yes he will.
00:12:40Won't he win.
00:12:47Learned something new today, see?
00:12:48He's like, what do you mean he don't know who he is?
00:13:00For all the good he done done from you, why don't you know who he is?
00:13:04Black people know we love our God, don't we?
00:13:23Love our God.
00:13:24We get God all the glory.
00:13:31But some of that glory God don't want.
00:13:34God be like, I ain't do that, that ain't my glory.
00:13:38But black people be forcing glory on God.
00:13:40You ever go somewhere looking for a parking space?
00:13:49You can't find it?
00:13:51And after a while you found a parking space right in front of the place you was going to?
00:13:55You'd be like, oh, thank you, Jesus, for these parking blessings.
00:14:02Parking blessings?
00:14:03Really?
00:14:06So you think God, with everything he got going on,
00:14:10was looking down at you, circled a block 16 motherfucking times,
00:14:16and thought to himself, this woman look pretty dizzy right now.
00:14:20Let me hit her with some parking blessings.
00:14:25That's what you think, huh?
00:14:26No, motherfucker.
00:14:27And if you fat as hell, that was the devil that got that for you.
00:14:33You should be walking the calories off, god damn it.
00:14:42A man could be in a club, just chilling against the wall, just chilling.
00:14:46All of a sudden, two chicks walk up to him.
00:14:48Hey, how you doing?
00:14:49Me and my friend were looking at you from across the room.
00:14:51We thought you were pretty hot, so we decided to
00:14:54see if you wanted to have a little three-way fun tonight.
00:14:57A man would honestly be like, thank you, Jesus.
00:15:04Again, you think God is looking down at you in this shitty-ass club,
00:15:10thinking to himself, this man been pretty solid lately.
00:15:15Let me hit him with some bitches.
00:15:24Slutty bitches.
00:15:25You think my God sent you some slutty bitches.
00:15:33No, nigga, that ain't God glory.
00:15:34You run out of weed.
00:15:49You're like, ugh, I gotta drive all the way over here,
00:15:52get in your car, put your seatbelt on,
00:15:55fix your rearview mirror,
00:15:56open your ashtray, find half a blunt.
00:15:59You're like, thank you, Jesus.
00:16:03You know what?
00:16:07I didn't finish this motherfucker last night.
00:16:10Boy, what a God we serve, I'll tell you.
00:16:13I don't know what I'd do without him.
00:16:15I don't know what I'd do without him.
00:16:16I'll tell you, boy.
00:16:17Always on time, man.
00:16:20Always on time.
00:16:22Always on time.
00:16:24I ain't got no matches.
00:16:27Devil is a liar.
00:16:32God wouldn't give me no smoke without no fire.
00:16:35I heard when white men date black women,
00:16:45they really date black women.
00:16:47Like, dark-skinned black women, you know?
00:16:49Because that's the fantasy.
00:16:50If you get a one-go-around with a black woman,
00:16:52why would you go get a fair-skinned black woman?
00:16:54No, you'll go get your dark women.
00:16:56Like, white men ain't fucking with too many
00:16:58Alicia Keys women, you know?
00:17:00We talking.
00:17:01Lupita.
00:17:04Viola Davis.
00:17:06But that makes sense to me.
00:17:08If you're gonna go black, go black.
00:17:09Don't bullshit.
00:17:10Don't hit the brakes.
00:17:11Go all the way black, goddammit.
00:17:14Space black.
00:17:16Balsamic.
00:17:23Balsamic black than a motherfucker.
00:17:25That makes sense to me.
00:17:33Because if I ever give me a white girl,
00:17:35I want me a real white girl.
00:17:36I want a white girl to act black.
00:17:38That'd defeat the whole fucking purpose
00:17:39of having a white girl.
00:17:41Got this white girl talking to me like this.
00:17:50Fuck that, give me a real white girl.
00:17:53Give me a motherfucker that makes supper.
00:17:55I ain't never had supper.
00:18:02I heard about it.
00:18:04I heard that shit be on the table at 5 o'clock.
00:18:07That was goddamn hot.
00:18:10Hot and red.
00:18:11And they be eating it on a supper table, too.
00:18:14It's a table named after this shit.
00:18:15I ain't seen the likes of such.
00:18:20Me and a bunch of black men,
00:18:22we been eating off beds and TV trays
00:18:24and newspaper all our goddamn life.
00:18:28Food come out about 9.45.
00:18:30And then what black women do is send us straight to bed.
00:18:37That's why we got high blood pressure and shit.
00:18:40Black women been sending us straight to bed
00:18:41after every goddamn meal for decades.
00:18:43You eat that shit and go to bed.
00:18:47Our fat-ass kids and sugar-foot daddies,
00:18:51everybody going to bed, goddamn right?
00:18:53You start feeding us at 5 o'clock
00:18:58so we can burn them goddamn calories off.
00:18:59Man, I was trying to kick Hispanics out the country, man.
00:19:09I was, I was...
00:19:10I remember Hispanics was walking around
00:19:12on eggshells on that shit.
00:19:14I just knew my gardener was going to be gone.
00:19:19Yeah, me and Juan held goodbye every Wednesday.
00:19:23I'm like, mm...
00:19:25You take care of yourself over there, all right?
00:19:29Because my gardener don't speak no English.
00:19:36He don't.
00:19:37I'll text him, I'll be like,
00:19:38motherfucker, why you ain't cutting my bushes?
00:19:40He sent me an emoji, like...
00:19:45And he know I'm a comedian,
00:19:47so he always thinking I'm bullshitting.
00:19:49I'll be like, motherfucker, I ain't bullshitting.
00:19:51Cut my goddamn bushes.
00:19:53He sent me another text back that said,
00:19:55J-A, J-A, J-A, J-A, J-A, J-A, J-A, J-A, J-A.
00:20:09I'm like, what the fuck is...
00:20:10Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja.
00:20:15Oh, man.
00:20:23Slow motherfuckers out here.
00:20:26God, what?
00:20:27Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja.
00:20:30Yo, I got some jokes that I want to do real quick, man.
00:20:42I wrote some jokes down, see if, uh, see if they work or not.
00:20:53Hopefully they work, and if they do cool, if they don't,
00:20:56then I'll never see y'all ever again.
00:21:00You ever offer somebody a mint, and they don't take it?
00:21:06Mint?
00:21:07I'm good.
00:21:14So what you gonna do?
00:21:18Because something needs to be done, and if you ain't pull out no mints
00:21:22and you don't want my mint, like, should I go?
00:21:26You go?
00:21:30Fellas, you ever see a ass so nice on a woman, you end up meeting a cool-ass brother?
00:21:45Yeah.
00:21:54A woman walk by you on the nice ass, she be like, ooh, look at that motherfucker, that.
00:21:59And then you look up, and you see a guy catching you, looking at the ass, and you be like...
00:22:03That motherfucker's all right, wasn't it?
00:22:05She had that motherfucker swinging, didn't she?
00:22:06That's her third time walking by here, ain't it?
00:22:07She work around here, don't she?
00:22:08I seen her last week, yeah!
00:22:09Boy, she a bad motherfucker, ain't she?
00:22:10Yeah, boy.
00:22:11I'm Dion.
00:22:12What's your name, brother?
00:22:13Do big girls get kidnapped?
00:22:36I never seen one for ransom.
00:22:52Get in the car, get your ass in the car!
00:23:14Would you just get in the car?
00:23:35Is Arby's actually another way of saying R-B, which is short for roast beef?
00:23:48I apologize for fucking y'all up on that right there.
00:23:54I thought we were here comically, but I'll bring it back down, it's my fault.
00:23:58It was my fault.
00:23:59I assumed we was here, and we wasn't.
00:24:00I'll take that off as well.
00:24:05I was in there eating one day, like, wait a minute.
00:24:21I got a bad habit I gotta stop.
00:24:35After sex, I really gotta stop saying,
00:24:38WHIP!
00:24:40WHIP!
00:24:41WHIP!
00:24:42WHIP!
00:24:43WHIP!
00:24:43WHIP!
00:24:44WHIP!
00:24:45WHIP!
00:24:46WHIP!
00:24:55WHIP!
00:24:56buena
00:24:57is such a final word.
00:24:58Hey, shit at the wealth.
00:24:59When you hear wealth, it's over.
00:25:01Ladies, you can use that next time you go to dinner with a man.
00:25:04Soon as you finish eating and wiping your mouth.
00:25:07WHIP!
00:25:08Well, you gonna drop a bitch off for what?
00:25:16Fuck his whole night up.
00:25:18Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:25:28Should a dude hold the door for a dyke?
00:25:31This is a legitimate question.
00:25:42I tried one day.
00:25:44I was like, there you go, ma'am.
00:25:45She was like, walk in, nigga.
00:25:47I was like, damn, bitch.
00:26:01I did that joke on purpose just to see what kind of audience this is.
00:26:09You know?
00:26:10Sometimes these audiences, man, they be so lame.
00:26:12That's how America is now when it comes to comedy.
00:26:15Everybody's so timid with everything.
00:26:17So timid and shit.
00:26:18It's like you can't handle dialogue.
00:26:20I don't remember how America got so soft.
00:26:22Everything is fucking horrible right now because of your lame-ass tolerance.
00:26:26Music suck. Movies suck.
00:26:28Comedy is the last raw form of expression.
00:26:30And if you take that away, everything's fucking gone and shit.
00:26:33Because of what you can't handle.
00:26:37That shit is fucked up.
00:26:40And then you try to shun away people who think differently than you.
00:26:43I'm not one of them comedians that's gonna sit up here and spoon feed you
00:26:46all the bullshit that you wanna hear and shit.
00:26:49I'm not.
00:26:50You gotta respect the way another motherfucker think.
00:26:51The more people that we have that think differently,
00:26:53the more opportunity we have for change.
00:26:55You get what I'm saying?
00:26:56You gotta respect that, man.
00:26:57I say the word dyke and y'all motherfuckers clammed up.
00:26:58Like...
00:26:59You don't even know if it's a bad word or not.
00:27:12And you clammed up.
00:27:13You think I'm gonna risk it all over my motherfucking word?
00:27:16No, motherfucker.
00:27:17I do research when I write these fucking jokes, goddamn it.
00:27:20I asked Wanda Sykes.
00:27:30Yes, I work with Wanda.
00:27:31I'm blackish.
00:27:32I called up.
00:27:33I said, Wanda, can I say the word dyke?
00:27:35She was like, yes, nigga.
00:27:36Stop calling me this late.
00:27:37I got kids.
00:27:44That's the kind of world we live in.
00:27:45It's so fucked up, man.
00:27:47And your timid and lame ways, that shit is trickling down to your kids, man.
00:27:51Your kids is lame as fuck right now.
00:27:54Got your kid thinking everything he does is great
00:27:56and everything everybody else does is wrong
00:27:58and he the most beautifulest and the most talented.
00:28:01But then when he get in the real world,
00:28:02we let him know he suck dick.
00:28:07All of a sudden, he on medication.
00:28:14Be real with your kids.
00:28:17Let them know everybody drawing can't go on the refrigerator.
00:28:27Some of that shit is drawer bound, goddamn it.
00:28:37You ever go eat sushi with black people?
00:28:40Black people only order one order.
00:28:42Shrimp timpour.
00:28:45That's the black sushi order right there.
00:28:48They should call it the nigga roll.
00:28:57I'm sorry, sir.
00:28:58We don't have any more shrimp timpour.
00:29:00Can you tempour?
00:29:01Okay.
00:29:02All right.
00:29:03Okay.
00:29:04Question.
00:29:06Can you tempour anything else?
00:29:13Crab legs, shrimp, catfish, perch, tilapia, white and ready, snapper.
00:29:17All nigga fishes.
00:29:23Black people don't know no other fish.
00:29:26I'm sorry, sir.
00:29:27We don't have any catfish nuggets.
00:29:35Matter of fact, we never had catfish nuggets.
00:29:41We never even knew that catfish came...
00:29:45came...
00:29:53in nuggets.
00:29:55But we have a wonderful Chilean sea bass you might like.
00:29:59Okay.
00:30:00All right.
00:30:01Okay.
00:30:02Question.
00:30:06Do it got any bones in it?
00:30:10Don't even worry about it.
00:30:11Bring that bread.
00:30:12That bread gonna bust them bones up when you go back.
00:30:18That's one thing black people ain't fucking with.
00:30:20Fish bones.
00:30:22Niggas hate fish bones.
00:30:24Motherfucker dissect.
00:30:25Black people dissect the fuck out some fish.
00:30:28Trying to get them goddamn fish bones out of there.
00:30:31Fish look like pudding when you done.
00:30:32We done.
00:30:39Uh...
00:30:40We at McDonald's.
00:30:43That's a fish filet motherfucker.
00:30:47I felt the bone in there, my nigga.
00:30:50I got kids.
00:30:51I can't be fucking around and dying over no fish bones.
00:30:59You ever see a motherfucker choke on a fish bone?
00:31:02Be dramatic as shit, don't it?
00:31:05Yeah, I totally...
00:31:13Bone the size of an eyelash.
00:31:15Yes.
00:31:28Call pastor.
00:31:41You ever eat with a group of white people?
00:31:43Food be free.
00:31:46They be fighting over the bill, too.
00:31:49Tom, give me the bill, Tom.
00:31:52You paid the last three times, Tom.
00:31:54Tom, give me the bill.
00:31:58This guy.
00:31:59Tom, give me the bill, Tom.
00:32:02Get me in the prick, man. Just give me the fucking bill, bro.
00:32:05All right, now here's Uber money for everyone.
00:32:13I drove, but I took that Uber money.
00:32:19Just what real niggas do, you know?
00:32:20Yeah, let me get that hot 20 up out your time.
00:32:30Never go eat with a group of blacks?
00:32:33Stressful than a motherfucker.
00:32:35First of all, when you see the waiter walk up with just one check, you automatically like, God damn.
00:32:48This motherfucker didn't separate these motherfuckers?
00:33:02I told this motherfucker nine times to separate these motherfuckers.
00:33:06You ever try to catch your waiter by himself away from your party?
00:33:16Excuse me, you know where the restrooms are?
00:33:19Yeah, let me take care of mine right now.
00:33:24Hold it down, nigga. Hold it down.
00:33:29Yeah, just my shit.
00:33:31What I have, the catfish nuggets.
00:33:34It's always that one bitch with a calculator.
00:33:49Okay, who had the 17 Moscatos?
00:33:53Felicia, drunk ass.
00:33:56Bitch, it was you, cause after the 15th one, I was like,
00:33:59watch this goofy bitch get two more in a motherfucker.
00:34:02Love yourself, people. Love yourself.
00:34:15Love it.
00:34:17What I'm about to say, man, I ain't looking for like validation and nothing like that.
00:34:21I just want you to listen to me and let that shit soak in.
00:34:23All right, for real, like on some real shit.
00:34:26Like, love yourself, man, for real.
00:34:28Motherfuckers ain't loving themselves right now.
00:34:30I have never seen the suicide rate the way it is now.
00:34:34It is at an alarming rate.
00:34:36And I'm not trying to be insensitive to any other race.
00:34:38I just never seen it so much in the black community at all.
00:34:42It is alarming how much suicide has taken over in people's minds and in their lives or whatever.
00:34:49Cause people ain't loving themselves.
00:34:51And I'm gonna tell you something, man.
00:34:52I blame social media for that shit too.
00:34:54For real.
00:34:55Cause that shit will make you feel miserable.
00:35:00People be on social media.
00:35:01They be kicking it.
00:35:02Women be all up in Cabo, chilling on boats and yachts and wearing Chanel's and bodies glistening.
00:35:09Everybody's abs is tight.
00:35:11And me and Papa champagne.
00:35:13And got watches and jewels all in the camera and shit.
00:35:16And you at work at your cubicle looking at this shit.
00:35:27There's gotta be a better way.
00:35:29Don't worry about what they doing.
00:35:36You gotta realize, man, it took them probably 20 takes to get that one that you stressing over.
00:35:42You get what I'm saying?
00:35:44You gotta love yourself.
00:35:47Love yourself.
00:35:48People ain't loving themselves.
00:35:50Y'all look in the mirror every morning and don't even acknowledge the most unique thing in this world.
00:35:55There is not another motherfucker that look and act like you.
00:36:00And what you do is...
00:36:02Hold on.
00:36:04You don't even acknowledge how unique you are.
00:36:06What you do is you get dressed and go on the world and be like everybody else and that ain't success.
00:36:11Success is supplying the man.
00:36:12Giving people something they ain't never had before.
00:36:14And applying yourself to whatever you do.
00:36:16That's what makes you unfireable, goddammit.
00:36:18They can't do what you do.
00:36:19You get what I'm saying?
00:36:20But you got to love yourself.
00:36:22Women ain't loving themselves.
00:36:23Women don't really love themselves like they should.
00:36:27Especially women.
00:36:29Y'all be walking around here with phony hair, eyelashes, phony eyebrows and waist trainers and all this.
00:36:36And then you go to men looking for validation.
00:36:39But I'll let you know this.
00:36:40If God couldn't make you happy...
00:36:45What make you think us men gonna do?
00:36:49We can't make you happy.
00:36:50Just be who you are.
00:36:52I just want you for you.
00:36:53You're trying to be like everybody else.
00:36:55Ooh, I want to look like Nicki Minaj.
00:36:56Well, Nicki don't look like Nicki Minaj.
00:37:01Man, you're trying to look like something that doesn't exist.
00:37:05You get it?
00:37:06Be you.
00:37:07I ain't with all that done up.
00:37:08I ain't in love with the done up.
00:37:09When I see the done up, I might give you one compliment, but I ain't with that.
00:37:12I like that every day.
00:37:13If your hair up in a ponytail, you got sweats on, I'm banging your back out every goddamn day.
00:37:21Cause that's what I'm gonna see every day.
00:37:22That's what I'm used to.
00:37:27Just be true to yourself.
00:37:28Be happy.
00:37:29Make yourself happy, man.
00:37:31If they don't like what you got, they ain't for you.
00:37:33You know what I mean?
00:37:37But you gotta be honest with yourself, man.
00:37:39You do.
00:37:40Some of y'all in relationships you don't want to be in, man.
00:37:43Why would you stay in this relationship and waste your life away with a motherfuckin' relationship?
00:37:47That ain't making you more money.
00:37:48That ain't making you cum more.
00:37:49That ain't making you smarter.
00:37:50None of that.
00:37:53Why would you do that?
00:37:55See, some of y'all got stuck in relationships.
00:37:57That's what happened.
00:37:58See, you married on the level you should have been passing in life.
00:38:02You get it?
00:38:06There's levels in life.
00:38:07And you go through these levels, and this level take you to this level.
00:38:10And one of them levels you met this motherfucker, and he was amazing.
00:38:13So you married to him, you got committed to him.
00:38:15Now you stuck on this level.
00:38:17He was there before you got there.
00:38:18He wasn't gonna elevate, so now you there with him too.
00:38:21See, what you should have done was realize that he was only good for that level.
00:38:25Not life.
00:38:27What you should have done was tell him,
00:38:29Boy, you are amazing.
00:38:31But I'll be back.
00:38:32And then go through the rest of these levels.
00:38:39But it starts with you being honest with yourself.
00:38:43You gotta be honest with yourself.
00:38:44You gotta tighten up everything around you, man.
00:38:47And stop being around everybody.
00:38:48Don't you understand everybody don't deserve to be around you?
00:38:51They don't.
00:38:52Using you for your moxie, your aura, your charisma, your security, your education.
00:38:59They don't need that.
00:39:01Stop hanging around a bunch of liars too.
00:39:03Cut these motherfuckers off.
00:39:04Cut them off.
00:39:05I had this dude around me always lying.
00:39:08I told him a story that happened to me.
00:39:10A year later this motherfucker told me the same story.
00:39:14Just applied himself in the story.
00:39:17Didn't even change my momma's name in the story.
00:39:21I'm like, nigga Shaleen, that's my momma, nigga.
00:39:23What is she talking about?
00:39:24But it starts with you being honest.
00:39:29You hear me?
00:39:30Honesty is a motherfucker.
00:39:31You gotta start being honest.
00:39:34I'm gonna let you know I've had some miraculous moments in my life.
00:39:38Just from being honest.
00:39:39Why?
00:39:40Because you never know what another motherfucker's into until you being honest with him.
00:39:44Right?
00:39:45It brings out the extraordinariness in you.
00:39:47Definitely.
00:39:48One day I got a speeding ticket from this cop.
00:39:50Finding a motherfucker.
00:39:51She gave me the ticket.
00:39:52I'm like, damn.
00:39:53She was like, what's wrong?
00:39:54I was like, I wish I could get out this ticket.
00:39:56And she was like, well, what you talking about?
00:39:58And I was like, well, uh...
00:40:05Now, I was about to crack a joke and be on some old goofy shit.
00:40:07But my mom was like, you already got the ticket.
00:40:09You ain't got nothing else to lose.
00:40:10You might as well be honest.
00:40:11I was like, well, I was thinking maybe I can take you to dinner
00:40:15and then go eat your pussy all night.
00:40:17I don't know.
00:40:20I don't know.
00:40:21I don't know.
00:40:24I don't know.
00:40:25Just a suggestion.
00:40:26I don't know.
00:40:36Guess what she said?
00:40:37Follow me.
00:40:38And I was like, thank you, Jesus.
00:40:43Oh, that was all God's glory on that one.
00:40:58Not only did I get some ass, but I saved money.
00:41:02All from being honest.
00:41:07You got to start being honest with yourself.
00:41:09That's why I understand people when they married
00:41:11or when they had a committed relationship
00:41:13and you living under the same roof
00:41:15and you ain't honest with each other.
00:41:17That's crazy to me.
00:41:18You watching porn when she gone, sneaking watching porn,
00:41:21and she watching porn when you gone,
00:41:23and finding shoes and hiding them in the garage
00:41:25and all that bullshit.
00:41:30I couldn't live like that.
00:41:31I'll bust up in the room.
00:41:32Bitch, what you in there watching?
00:41:38What kind of porn you watching?
00:41:39What's in the search bar, bitch?
00:41:40Let me see.
00:41:41Don't tell me shit.
00:41:42I want to see what's in the search bar.
00:41:44You gonna lie to me.
00:41:45I want to see what that search bar say.
00:41:53And if I'm watching porn,
00:41:54I'm gonna tell her,
00:41:55baby, get in here.
00:41:56I want to show you some shit.
00:41:58I want to do this pancake shit right here.
00:42:00I ain't never did this.
00:42:04Watch when the men leave here tonight.
00:42:06Pancake.
00:42:11Ooh.
00:42:14You gotta be honest.
00:42:17Honesty.
00:42:19Honesty is something a lot of people don't practice.
00:42:22It's honest.
00:42:23Some of you men in here juggling two women.
00:42:25If you was honest,
00:42:27you'll never know how that situation might work out.
00:42:29It might work out in your favor.
00:42:30Now, every woman ain't gonna be accessible
00:42:32to this type of information
00:42:33because a lot of women are close-minded
00:42:35when they come to this kind of stuff.
00:42:36They ain't with that.
00:42:37But some women are.
00:42:39They'll hear you out and listen to you
00:42:40if you was being honest
00:42:41because at the end of the day,
00:42:42even if she turned you down or whatever,
00:42:43at least she can never say that you wasn't honest.
00:42:46Yeah.
00:42:47You might be able to go to your girl
00:42:48on some real shit and be like,
00:42:49look, baby, remember when we broke up?
00:42:51I started fucking around with this other girl
00:42:53and she good people, man.
00:42:55That's all I do is talk about you to her
00:42:57and she's a good person, for real.
00:43:00And I think if you met her,
00:43:02I think y'all hit it off
00:43:03because she seemed like the type motherfucker
00:43:04you hang out with, you know?
00:43:06And if y'all get cool
00:43:07and all three of us hang out and shit,
00:43:09maybe a little three-way situation might happen,
00:43:11you know?
00:43:12And if you like that little situation and shit,
00:43:15maybe she can move in, you know?
00:43:17She could chip in on the bills around here
00:43:21and it'll be a win-win on all of us.
00:43:24You never know!
00:43:27With an open mind,
00:43:29your girl might look at that situation
00:43:31and be like, you know what?
00:43:32I do get tired of fucking them sometime,
00:43:34and it would be cool to have a substitute come here.
00:43:38You know what?
00:43:40All right.
00:43:41I'm with that.
00:43:42We can do that.
00:43:44And while we at it,
00:43:45I got this nigga that I want to chip in.
00:43:56A few dollars as well,
00:43:58since everybody chipping the fuck in around here.
00:44:10Watch your man be like,
00:44:11bitch, forget everything y'all just said.
00:44:14And who's this nigga chipping the fuck in around?
00:44:21Be honest!
00:44:23Honesty!
00:44:24Even with your age, be honest.
00:44:27If you old, you old.
00:44:29Just accept it.
00:44:30I'm old, too.
00:44:31We old.
00:44:32Just be old, goddammit.
00:44:33I'm old, too.
00:44:34I got gray all in my beard
00:44:35and in my hair, whatever.
00:44:36I'm old, too.
00:44:37But I promise you this,
00:44:38I'm gonna be one of the flyest, oldest motherfuckers
00:44:40you ever seen in your life.
00:44:43That's right.
00:44:47Make a young chick ponder.
00:44:51Be like, damn, he the same age as my dad,
00:44:53but...
00:44:55Get so compelled to give him some pussy.
00:44:57I don't know why.
00:45:04You old, be old!
00:45:05Old men be trying to get them a young girl
00:45:07in order to feel young.
00:45:08Be on YouTube trying to learn new dances
00:45:09to keep up these young chicks.
00:45:10Be on that like, okay...
00:45:11Best stay in your old lane.
00:45:13This you right here.
00:45:14This you from now on.
00:45:15You can dip, but get your ass right back up.
00:45:17If you wanna feel young,
00:45:18don't go get you a young girl.
00:45:19Be on that like, okay...
00:45:22Be on that like, okay...
00:45:23Uh, uh...
00:45:24Uh, uh...
00:45:25Uh...
00:45:26Uh...
00:45:27Uh...
00:45:28Uh...
00:45:29Uh...
00:45:30Uh...
00:45:31Uh...
00:45:32Uh...
00:45:33Uh...
00:45:34Uh...
00:45:35Uh...
00:45:36Uh...
00:45:37Uh...
00:45:38Uh...
00:45:39Uh...
00:45:40Uh...
00:45:41Uh...
00:45:42Uh...
00:45:43If you wanna feel young,
00:45:44don't go get you a young girl.
00:45:45Go get you an older woman.
00:45:47Old woman that make you feel young, goddammit.
00:45:50That's what I do.
00:45:51I keep me a nice vintage piece around.
00:45:54That's right.
00:45:58I can't fuck with you unless you've got an ointment drawer.
00:46:02ointment bag cabinet drawer something dedicated to ointments god damn it
00:46:23you know you're old when you in the club and you can't read the receipt
00:46:25start grabbing candles and shit
00:46:34let me see that cell phone light real quick take a picture and spread it out
00:46:44baby read that i still can't see that if you can hear that
00:46:47you know you owe when your car insurance go down
00:46:59i added a whole nother car they was like it's the same
00:47:02i was like i'm no longer a liability in these streets
00:47:24we getting old you better live it up this ain't stopping from nobody you hear me we
00:47:29get old every second we getting old check this out we just got old you saw that
00:47:38you better live it the up you better live your life to the fullest you hear me
00:47:42don't you stop with nobody live it up
00:47:49live it up man this motherfucker go fast and the older you get the faster it go god damn it
00:47:55so you better live it up who in their 40s make some noise
00:48:05you got 30 summers left
00:48:09that hurt i know right here it didn't it hurt me every time i say it
00:48:22you got 30 of these motherfuckers left and after this august 29
00:48:31you got 29 of these motherfuckers to live it up run how you want to run eat what you want to eat
00:48:36fuck who you want to fuck you better do it to the fullest god damn it i learned that from jennifer
00:48:41lewis i was on set one day she said some ignorant to me one day i was like shut your old ass up
00:48:47she was like you would not disrespect me nor my 15 summers and then she floated away
00:49:01like i'm sorry jennifer
00:49:03you better live it up who in their 50s make some noise
00:49:18you got 20 summers left
00:49:22you better live it up especially women y'all we all be living your lives to the fullest man y'all always
00:49:29constricting yourself y'all be like uh-uh i don't do no i don't won't uh ain't and no never uh-uh ain't
00:49:36ever no won't won't not with you ever not this bitch no ain't no never no won't
00:49:44they're okay you're gonna let your i ain't ears run into your your can't ears
00:49:55then you're gonna be trying to throw that pussy at somebody and we gonna be like
00:50:02i don't want that motherfucker man i asked you for that seven summers ago
00:50:14now i want to correct myself i do like young girls but they got to be mature they got to be
00:50:21really really really mature all right i went to go eat this young girl one day right she was like this
00:50:26close your eyes and open your mouth i want you to taste this i was like absolutely not
00:50:30she was like no for real delicious i just want you to taste it i'm like no young no
00:50:45you just can't be putting loose in my mouth without me seeing what it is
00:50:49she was like i just want to surprise you i'm like young listen no
00:50:52you got to understand that i choose certain shit with certain teeth
00:51:04hot shit go on this side cold shit go on this side
00:51:09ice go in the back over here bread and gummy bears go up top
00:51:14now give it to me so i can place it in the proper area it needs to be
00:51:30can't just be putting loose into my mouth how about if you put the hot
00:51:34shit on the cold side and i get the freaking the fuck out
00:51:46oh shit
00:51:50i knew i was old when i started taking going out naps
00:52:04you want me to hang out with you tonight i'm gonna need a hot five before we go anywhere
00:52:13i'll do it in the car i don't even give a fuck if i don't i'm gonna be in the club looking like i'm on
00:52:18you know what the fuck i'm talking about happy y'all motherfuckers took a nap before you came in this
00:52:42motherfucker tonight
00:52:47let me tell you not before i go see this silly ass nigga tonight
00:52:56you know what kind of women i like women who had curling iron burns
00:53:08right here on the forehead
00:53:11here right there or that wall meat back here right here
00:53:17i like that shit because that tells me that she tried to do her own hair
00:53:22which also tells me she tried to save money and i fuck with any woman trying to save money
00:53:34also love big titties
00:53:37that's my shit big titties i love me some big titties the bigger the better
00:53:41i like my titties so big to the point where if i'm sucking your titties
00:53:58and if i don't taste no deodorant
00:54:21i'm gonna be a little disappointed
00:54:23like that i like deodorant on my titties
00:54:28i like when she lay on her back and the motherfuckers roll under her arm
00:54:36and i lift them up and wow
00:54:44i know the taste of all deodorants
00:54:46band secret lady mitchell degree
00:54:49and to all my vintage bitches they wear tussies
00:55:03look at the young girls what's tussies
00:55:08well let me explain see deodorant used to come with a cap on you had to take the cap off
00:55:14take your two fingers and do this
00:55:20yeah huh paved the way for you roll on hose
00:55:28that's right so you young chicks when you see a woman 50 and up you bow the down
00:55:33and be like hello your tussiness
00:55:49fellas you ever get hair from an older woman but you still be respectful
00:55:52oh feel so good miss davis
00:56:10you're gonna tell me before you come right boy
00:56:12yes ma'am
00:56:23fellas you ever get that hair to be all teeth just scraping your
00:56:26shit up just whelps all on your shit just
00:56:29next time that happened pinch her nose get them teeth right off your dick
00:56:42ain't nowhere for her to breathe
00:56:43next time she doing that shit just be like
00:56:56look at the fellas like oh i can't wait to try that
00:57:15you ever get hair from your girl and she be choking on your penis
00:57:26but deep down to your soul you know your dick ain't chokey like that
00:57:33just be honest you know your dick ain't chokey
00:57:38you know she doing it for you
00:57:40dick ain't even touching her tongue
00:57:46but there she go all for you
00:57:56damn boy
00:58:03you'll be like oh
00:58:06that's so sweet
00:58:10you know what the best head in the world is big girl head
00:58:25big girl head the shit
00:58:27love me some big girl head boy ain't nothing like it
00:58:31big girls they be getting it in too boy big girls be fucking
00:58:35they do they do fine motherfuckers too celebrities
00:58:40for real like remember when usher had that little sex scandal and
00:58:44and everybody was like well who is this chick
00:58:46then they showed that big girl she had that ponytail sitting right here
00:58:53everybody was like get the out of here
00:58:55i was the only motherfucker like no that's her
00:59:03felt that in my spirit i knew it was her
00:59:14skinny women y'all can learn a lot from big girls for real like tomorrow like talk to your local big girl like
00:59:20you know
00:59:23catch you in the parking garage or something
00:59:25be like hey fuquanda let me ask you a few questions
00:59:29i just want to go over a few things with you
00:59:36big girls are the coolest you think i'm playing i ain't dissing big girls
00:59:39big girls are fun yo they they be live
00:59:43hang out with you all night be up with you all
00:59:45motherfucking night just kicking it with you and shit like all motherfucking night
00:59:50they be up all night too because you know big girls they don't sleep well you know
01:00:03they don't
01:00:05they got this shit called sleep
01:00:07you know what the fuck i was talking about
01:00:26skinny women always sleep and cold
01:00:32come on fuck is forever freezing ain't they
01:00:34nothing they be in the club wearing a napkin
01:00:39get home and get under 76 comforters
01:00:43heating her car be melt your shoes you'd be like got the heat off
01:00:46motherfucker sinuses always fucked up
01:00:59where's that noise coming from
01:01:00real they always sleep call skinny chick up hello yeah what you doing sleep
01:01:16it's 6 p.m i know i gotta be at work in the morning
01:01:20what time you gotta be at work 11 a.m
01:01:27oh how many hours do your iron deficient ass need
01:01:36call a big girl up hello
01:01:39yeah what you doing just sitting here what time is it 4 a.m
01:01:48tell me gotta be at work 5 30 a.m
01:01:50i gotta be at work 5 30 a.m
01:01:54so
01:01:59man don't give a fuck so
01:02:04can a nigga come through
01:02:09boy you always pull this
01:02:10bullshit call me when you get downstairs
01:02:21i'm already downstairs
01:02:27you don't call no big girl just pull up
01:02:29grab your food from the back of the car that you bought at the club it's all cold and soggy and
01:02:41shit take it upstairs big girl warm your shit up for you yeah see skinny chick she might put your
01:02:50shit in the microwave or under one of her comforters
01:02:56big girl oven oven
01:03:00shit you gotta wait 20 minutes but it's worth it
01:03:05375. big girl magic number that nigga
01:03:10the fuck what you eat you put them up on 375. what's them cornflakes 375. bowl spoon milk all
01:03:25that put it all in there 375.
01:03:31you get your fries back they be all crispy and shit you're like okay god damn all right
01:03:38damn how you get my fries so crispy and shit i ain't even buy them crispy how you getting them crispy
01:03:44when did you truffle these motherfuckers i ain't see that
01:03:52then it's time for that head now you listen to me you never put your big girl on her knees you
01:03:57hear me it's disrespectful plus there's a lot of stress on her joints and shit
01:04:03you never put her on her knees you get her ottoman
01:04:17all big girls deserve ottomans and then she's been rocking with you for a while upgrade that ottoman
01:04:22throw some wheels on that motherfucker so she can circulate around the house without getting up
01:04:27and it's time for that head she get on her ottoman get her legs together now look you don't walk to
01:04:46her you hear me you wait for her to reach out and grab you she's gonna reach out grab you and pull you
01:04:51to her all right it's gonna be a little stutter step it's like
01:05:06and all that giving head with your hand that skinny bit
01:05:11fuck that a big girl open your legs up a little bit like that take they arm put it through your legs
01:05:19palm in your ass all that you see that grab all that right there grabbing all that like that go under
01:05:26there like that grab that motherfucker like that and bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop
01:05:33and you can't go nowhere that motherfucker got you on lock jack you you be reaching for shit
01:06:01you might as well just grab your fries
01:06:11now skinny women don't try that arm through the leg shit you'll dislocate your shoulders
01:06:28you gotta have girth you gotta have girth this shit on the head gotta be swinging
01:06:43how many men here have big girl here make some noise clap
01:06:56wow me and that nigga right there that's it
01:07:10y'all just gonna front on me like that wow you know i can see who you with right
01:07:24i'm gonna ask one more time then i'm just gonna start pointing motherfuckers the
01:07:33fuck out because you brought this on yourself god damn it
01:07:38how many men in here has had big girl here make some noise round of applause
01:07:51a few more claps all right
01:08:09that nigga like i'm sorry
01:08:10that's stressful as fuck in here right now big girl's like
01:08:25ain't no big girl over here mother fucker
01:08:39not like we'll go get you on call thank y'all so
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