- 4 months ago
Four stories intersect in this violent film parody. Exterminators (Paul Dinello, Tommy Davidson) dress as hit men and try to protect the wife of their boss, Montello (Robert Costanzo).
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00In 1994, an irreverent young filmmaker shocked audiences at the Cannes Film Festival
00:00:15with a violent, out-of-sequence new movie that changed the style of motion picture storytelling forever.
00:00:22That film won the coveted Palme d'Or, resurrected the career of a former sweat hog,
00:00:26made its director a star, and a handful of people made a shitload of money.
00:00:31The success of the movie spawned a new wave of bloody cinema that is currently sweeping the globe.
00:00:36We feel this type of filmmaking is barbaric and irresponsible.
00:00:40We fear these films will trigger more violence in an already brutal society.
00:00:44Now is the time for Hollywood to supply mankind with a more wholesome, non-violent...
00:00:49What? Affirming potion mixture.
00:00:56I love cappuccino. I love the taste of it. I love the smell of it.
00:01:09I even love the sound of it. Cappuccino.
00:01:12If someone held a gun to my head and forced me to choose a celebrity,
00:01:15any celebrity whose life I'd have to assume,
00:01:17I'd choose Al Pacino because my name would sound like cappuccino.
00:01:20I would choose Major Nelson for my dream of Jeannie.
00:01:25Having your own girl in a bottle would be fun.
00:01:28Yeah, I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you, Bumpkin?
00:01:30Your own little pin-up girl wearing nothing but hair and pants and a halter top,
00:01:34popping out of a cookie jar every time you snapped your fingers.
00:01:37It wasn't a cookie jar. It was a fancy bottle with a plug.
00:01:41A stripper in a bottle. Can you believe that?
00:01:43A freaking call girl in a bottle.
00:01:45And this was prime time. 7.30, right before laughing.
00:01:50Yes, Master. Right away, Master.
00:01:53If I was Barbara Eden, I would have crossed my arms and blinked Major Nelson right into a leather sling.
00:01:58Then we'd see who would be Master.
00:02:02Fucking waitress.
00:02:04What's a sling?
00:02:06I can't believe how fucking stupid you are.
00:02:09Stupid is a stupid...
00:02:11You say that stupid line one more time,
00:02:14I'm going to execute you and every other pancake-eating motherfucker in this place.
00:02:18Do you hear me?
00:02:18I'm not eating pancakes.
00:02:20I said, do you hear me?
00:02:21Yes, okay, I hear you.
00:02:24Stupid movie.
00:02:26Life is just like a box of chocolates.
00:02:29Life is just like a box of shit.
00:02:32Ah, but what do I care?
00:02:34I've just written about...
00:02:35Brilliant, violent script in the history of cinema.
00:02:39And somebody's actually producing it.
00:02:40Look out, Bumpkin, my star is on the rise.
00:02:44If your star is on the rise, how come they banned you from the set?
00:02:48I'll show them.
00:02:49I'm going to get my hands on my first million bucks,
00:02:51and I'll make my own movie and screw all of them.
00:02:55Oh, actress.
00:02:56Could you bring me another double cappuccino?
00:02:58Now?
00:03:02I am not an actress.
00:03:04I am an aspiring filmmaker.
00:03:07Filmmaker?
00:03:08Filmmaker, wow.
00:03:10Why don't we do a nice, slow tracking shot
00:03:14of you bringing me
00:03:17another fucking cappuccino!
00:03:23That wasn't very nice.
00:03:26Well, nice doesn't get you anywhere.
00:03:28Just ask Barbara Eden.
00:03:29Ow!
00:03:30Ow!
00:03:34Look what I've been setting off.
00:03:37Give me that.
00:03:38Jesus Christ!
00:03:48What is it?
00:03:53Hello?
00:03:55Do I have a sign on my back that says,
00:03:57blow smoke up my ass?
00:03:59Crispin, sweetheart.
00:04:01Do I have a sign on my back that says,
00:04:03blow smoke up my ass?
00:04:04Did you put another sign on the director's back?
00:04:09No, no, there's none that I'm aware of.
00:04:11No, I do not have such a sign.
00:04:13You know why I have no such sign?
00:04:14Because I don't like having smoke blow to my fucking ass!
00:04:17Now, I got lights,
00:04:19I got cameras,
00:04:20I got actors,
00:04:21I got a crew,
00:04:22I even have a fucking cappuccino machine!
00:04:24But there's only one thing I don't have, Bunny.
00:04:26You know what that is?
00:04:27A script, Bunny?
00:04:29I don't have a fucking script!
00:04:31It's the first day of shooting,
00:04:32I don't have a fucking script!
00:04:33Now listen,
00:04:34unless you want me to make a movie
00:04:35about a couple of grips
00:04:36sitting around jerking off
00:04:38and eating crullers,
00:04:38you get that script out of your front,
00:04:40though,
00:04:40as of yesterday,
00:04:41you fucking hear me?
00:04:42And don't you blow smoke up my ass anymore!
00:04:44I got enough smoke up my ass
00:04:46to elect a pope
00:04:46in my fucking pants!
00:04:48Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
00:04:50Pumpkin,
00:04:51take this to the warehouse
00:04:52in La Brea, in Washington.
00:04:53Okay.
00:04:54And this time,
00:04:55don't screw up,
00:04:56it's my last copy.
00:04:58Treat that script
00:04:58as if your life
00:04:59depended on it.
00:05:01Because, frankly,
00:05:02it does.
00:05:05Uh, uh, okay.
00:05:08Love your pumpkin.
00:05:09I love you too,
00:05:11Bunny Rabbit.
00:05:14That's Roberts!
00:05:16Bunny Roberts!
00:05:18Fucking retard.
00:05:21And you, Marcel, Marcel,
00:05:22I don't need some fucking
00:05:23coffee shop mime
00:05:24throwing attitude at me
00:05:25like it's fucking rice
00:05:26at a wedding.
00:05:27Now you give me
00:05:27that cappuccino an hour,
00:05:28I'll blow that fucking
00:05:29bonnet-wearing head of yours
00:05:30right off.
00:05:32And that goes for
00:05:32every last
00:05:34motherfucking
00:05:34one of you!
00:05:37And that goes for
00:05:38every last
00:05:39motherfucking
00:05:40one of you!
00:05:42Joe!
00:05:55Oh!
00:06:02Freddy.
00:06:03Don't作 this!
00:06:03Don't作 this!
00:06:04No!
00:06:04Do you?
00:06:04No!
00:06:07Go!
00:07:14The pair of serial-killing wrestlers are still on the loose.
00:07:20We're going to be searching for a high of 70...
00:07:22Okay, tell me about this tomorrow, right?
00:07:48All right, so Tomorrowland is called manana, but everything else in Tomorrowland is in French.
00:07:54No shit.
00:07:55La montagne d'espace, space mountain.
00:07:58La tour de trois, that's that Star Wars ride, you know?
00:08:01What's it called?
00:08:02Star tour.
00:08:03Right, you are.
00:08:04And all the characters are in French, too.
00:08:06You know what they call Goofy?
00:08:07What?
00:08:07Les chien les goops.
00:08:09You know what they call Mickey?
00:08:11You keep going, cat.
00:08:12Les retons royales.
00:08:13Les retons royales.
00:08:16That's groovy.
00:08:16Now, what about Dumbo?
00:08:18I don't know.
00:08:19I didn't make it over to Fantasy Man, but I didn't see The Little Mermaid.
00:08:22La petite Simone.
00:08:23Had her right out in front.
00:08:24Check this out.
00:08:25You know how in the cartoons and the commercials she's got those two shells covering her breast?
00:08:28Right, right.
00:08:30Nothing.
00:08:31Get out of here.
00:08:32These two enormous surf and turf tits just hanging out in the Disney daylight?
00:08:36Damn!
00:08:37Yeah, apparently in Europe, seeing a woman's tits is like an everyday thing.
00:08:41So she's just sitting up there waving at the kids, families huddled around taking her picture.
00:08:46Hair up in the bun?
00:08:47You better believe it.
00:08:48Hey, this black motherfucking hairy ass nigga got to get his ass down now.
00:08:51I'm telling you that right now.
00:08:52Check out!
00:08:53You hit something.
00:09:00Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
00:09:01Get that fucking bug off the hood of my car.
00:09:17Uh-oh.
00:09:19No page numbers.
00:09:23Fucking bug, huh?
00:09:25We should have a grenade for this type shit.
00:09:27Maybe we can just spray him with your jerry curl.
00:09:31Say, man, this is Rio hair, okay?
00:09:33Helps a nigga's hair relax.
00:09:34You wouldn't know nothing about that shit.
00:09:35Why don't you relax?
00:09:37How many of them up there, man?
00:09:38The place is probably cron.
00:09:40And it only sends two of us?
00:09:42Well, you know Montello.
00:09:43Man, we should have a fucking Uzi.
00:09:48Hey, stop that!
00:09:49Is that the revolutionary new pesticide you've been working on?
00:09:52Hey, man, that's gonna get this brother out of this bullshitting ass exterminating suit into an Armani suit.
00:09:56I might even end up with a Porsche, like most fly niggas.
00:09:59Hey, Julius, it's a fucking donut.
00:10:01This is a lethal puff pastry.
00:10:05Within the walls of this flaky golden crust is a Bavarian cream laced with DDT.
00:10:12Enough to exterminate a whole tenement.
00:10:14Lay one of these suckers on your kitchen counter, you wake up the next morning, it's like fucking cockroach Jonestown.
00:10:19Yeah, and kill an entire family.
00:10:21Huh?
00:10:22You can't leave a fucking poisonous donut laying on the counter.
00:10:24Somebody's gonna eat it.
00:10:25And none of you tell them it's poisonous.
00:10:27Look at this fucking donut.
00:10:30We spray once.
00:10:32Aw, man.
00:10:32And that's it.
00:10:33But then they're gonna come right back.
00:10:35Uh-huh, and then we'll come back.
00:10:36That's how we make a living.
00:10:37No, that's how Montello makes a fucking living.
00:10:40I don't get paid enough for this bullshit.
00:10:43Say, you know what they call an eclair in New Zealand?
00:10:47So, what's her name again?
00:10:48Mimi.
00:10:49They say she's plumbers.
00:10:50Yeah, used to be an exotic dancer.
00:10:53Montello likes his women party size.
00:10:55Oh, yeah, not me.
00:10:56I don't like fat chicks.
00:10:57Yeah, right.
00:10:58I don't.
00:10:58Yeah, okay.
00:10:59Serious, man.
00:10:59Yeah, whatever.
00:11:00Fat, me, no can do.
00:11:01Uh-huh, yeah, right.
00:11:02I'm telling you.
00:11:03Well, let me tell you something.
00:11:03200 years ago, you would have been singing a whole different tune, my friend.
00:11:06Oh, that's...
00:11:06All right, yes.
00:11:07A man's prowess was measured by the size of his wife.
00:11:10The bigger, the better.
00:11:12Okay?
00:11:12Fat women were revered.
00:11:14200 years ago, that little mermaid at Euro Disney would have looked more like a free willy.
00:11:18I hear this Mimi is a real handful.
00:11:26Remember that kung fu dude with the black belt and the noon chucks, Tony Krakatoa?
00:11:30Used to call him Polly Wanner Cracker?
00:11:31Little guy?
00:11:32Always smelled like cheese?
00:11:34Mm-hmm, nacho.
00:11:35Right.
00:11:35Mm-hmm, well, word around the x-ray room is that those same noon chucks he had, he's
00:11:39wearing on the inside.
00:11:40Sets off every metal detector there is over at LAX, just by driving by the place, all
00:11:44on account of a certain plump ex-stripper.
00:11:47She used to strip?
00:11:49Mm-hmm.
00:11:50Well, uh, what'd he do?
00:11:52Make fun of her?
00:11:53Helped her wax her mustache.
00:11:56She has a mustache?
00:11:57Not anymore.
00:11:58Supposedly, the bitch wanted to get rid of some unsightly facial hair, convinced Tony
00:12:02Krakatoa to help her out.
00:12:03Now he's wearing two wooden sticks inside his monkey motherfucking hands.
00:12:07Shit and sawdust.
00:12:10What's her name again?
00:12:12Mimi.
00:12:13Why are you so worried about the bitch's name?
00:12:15Montello asked me to show her a good time while he's down in Tijuana.
00:12:19Show her a good time?
00:12:21No, not like that.
00:12:24Oh, show her a good time.
00:12:28Not like that either.
00:12:30Just take her out for some coffee, keep her from getting bored.
00:12:33Woo-hoo!
00:12:34Three's my lucky number, baby.
00:12:37Nikki.
00:12:43Sounds like we caught somebody with her pants down.
00:12:45Who is it?
00:12:47Exterminator.
00:12:48Did you come?
00:12:49Come on, you two honeymooners, open up.
00:12:51You're standing in the path of the working man.
00:12:53Holy shit.
00:12:59Stay cool, Jimmy.
00:13:08We can hear you.
00:13:09No need to be brand like a mule.
00:13:12You just caught me and Nikki here in the middle of some real important business.
00:13:16Ain't that right, baby?
00:13:17That's right, baby.
00:13:18Real important business.
00:13:20So I guess you'll just have to come back some other time.
00:13:24Alrighty, let's go.
00:13:25Wait a second, Kato.
00:13:27So you, uh, you're asking us to reschedule?
00:13:30She ain't asking you nothing, spray boy.
00:13:33I'm telling you.
00:13:39Now pick up your fucking bug cans and get out!
00:13:45Come here.
00:13:47Robby.
00:13:49Bobby.
00:13:56Holy shit.
00:14:01Holy shit, no.
00:14:03Holy shit is when some pissed off waitress spills coffee on your lap because you're acting like a son of a bitch, okay?
00:14:07Watching two inbred, gun-toting psychos try to fill you with lead because you're trying to rectify an ant problem?
00:14:13That's not holy shit, my friend.
00:14:15That's not even holy fucking shit.
00:14:17You know what that is?
00:14:18That is a miracle.
00:14:21A miracle?
00:14:22That's right, I said a miracle.
00:14:24We could have been killed up there, motherfucker.
00:14:26But you know what, Jimmy?
00:14:27I've had it.
00:14:32That's right, I've had it.
00:14:33No more bug-hunting door-to-door candy-gram bullshit for me.
00:14:37And you can tell Montello that shit, too.
00:14:39From now on, he can exterminate his own fucking roaches.
00:14:42Come on, Julius.
00:14:44Exterminating's all you know.
00:14:45What are you gonna do, walk the earth?
00:14:46Hey, man, I said fuck that shit.
00:14:49I'm going to find my own way.
00:14:50Maybe I'll start my own exterminating business or something.
00:14:52And I'm going to exterminate anybody who can get in my fucking way.
00:14:58Your dim-witted ass out the goddamn way.
00:15:00Oh, I had that nightmare again, Valerie.
00:15:20Me too, Nicky.
00:15:22The one where Bonnie Franklin had her own TV show again?
00:15:25Oh, no, the other one, where we're forced to watch that unwatchable movie about our truly
00:15:32fantastic lives.
00:15:34Natural blonde killers.
00:15:36Damn that Gulliver Stone for making that convoluted film.
00:15:40Well, I look like a blonde to you, baby.
00:15:42No, you don't, sweetness.
00:15:43You're just a guy in a bad bald cap, and my hair's a black and stringy white trash mess.
00:15:49We were well on our way to becoming the most infamous homicidical maniacs this country's
00:15:54ever seen.
00:15:55And now look at us wallowing in obscurity as a couple of ridiculous tag team wrestlers.
00:16:00Well, we're going to change all that tonight, sweetness.
00:16:04The Nicky and Valerie of Old are about to weave their most intoxicating spell over all of
00:16:10America.
00:16:11Once we double-cross Montello and, um, win this match, we'll have enough, um, money to stage
00:16:18the most violent and memorable comeback in serial-killing history.
00:16:23And then we get Gulliver Stone!
00:16:28Oh, no, you don't.
00:16:30None of that too, too much acid who shot Jeff Gantt.
00:16:33Let's do mushrooms with Jim Morrison shit with us.
00:16:35Not this time.
00:16:37Go on!
00:16:38You want to make a film about us?
00:16:40Then you got to do like we do.
00:16:41Just point and shoot.
00:16:48You got that?
00:16:54Well, all right.
00:16:57Oh, I love you, Nicky.
00:17:00I love you, Valerie.
00:17:02Hey, yo!
00:17:10Break it up, break it up.
00:17:12Well, well, well.
00:17:15Tweedle-dumb and Tweedle-dumber.
00:17:17You two finish slobbering all over each other?
00:17:19Now, listen up.
00:17:21It's showtime.
00:17:23No more funny stuff.
00:17:25You go down inside at ten minutes, or I'll have the two of you roasting over an open fire
00:17:29like two fucking chestnuts faster than you can say Nat King Cole.
00:17:32You got a bish?
00:17:34You asked?
00:17:35You get it?
00:17:37Then say it.
00:17:39Hmm?
00:17:39Huh?
00:17:40Repeat what I just said!
00:17:42Oh.
00:17:43You got to stay on Nat King Cole's nuts until we're in the third round.
00:17:48All right, all right, forget it!
00:17:51Just go down in the first ten minutes.
00:17:52That was quite a charm on Montella's bracelet.
00:18:01Are you thinking what I'm thinking, sweetness?
00:18:05About Pamela Anderson on that surfboard, noob?
00:18:07No, Nicky!
00:18:10I'm thinking that we'd snatch that briefcase on our way out of here,
00:18:15and then we could add a little insult to, um, injury.
00:18:20I love the way you think, baby.
00:18:24Let's do it.
00:18:28Dad, you think I'm sexy?
00:18:31Huh?
00:18:37You had ants, Candy.
00:18:39You had fleas in every fucking room in your house.
00:18:42Remember, you called me up, crying, saying,
00:18:45Montello, please, please take the vermin away.
00:18:48And my boys came, and you couldn't pay your extermination bill.
00:18:53So, I opened up my heart,
00:18:55allowing you to come into this dank and moldy room every night
00:19:00and take off all your clothes in front of drunken, lowlife, pathetic, scumbag strangers
00:19:06so you could afford to pay me back.
00:19:09But that was four years ago.
00:19:12Montello, I have paid you back for that friggin' extermination.
00:19:16Did the ants ever come back, Candy?
00:19:24No.
00:19:25No, because I did my job,
00:19:28and you don't leave here until you finish yours.
00:19:31Bonjour, Rhonda.
00:19:44Jimmy!
00:19:45They let you back in the country?
00:19:47Good move.
00:19:48Say, Rhonda,
00:19:49you want to hear what they call a bartender in Albania?
00:19:52No.
00:19:53Are you sure?
00:19:54It's kind of wacky.
00:19:55Keep it in your pants, Sundance!
00:19:57So, is the, uh, big guy around?
00:20:02He's over there,
00:20:03talking to one of the strippers.
00:20:06Now, all this money might seem unfair,
00:20:09but if it's any consolation to you,
00:20:11I just took it up the butt myself.
00:20:14A couple of whacked-out wrestlers double-crossed me
00:20:16and made off with a very valuable briefcase.
00:20:19So, we feel good about this?
00:20:24Say it.
00:20:25We feel good about this.
00:20:27Like you mean it.
00:20:30We feel good about this.
00:20:33Good.
00:20:35Now, say it like you're underwater.
00:20:38What?
00:20:39Say it.
00:20:43We feel good about this!
00:20:46Hey, Jimmy.
00:20:47I hear you're taking Mimi out to break some bread.
00:20:51Yeah, well, uh,
00:20:52Montella wants me to spend the afternoon with her.
00:20:54Whatever you do, don't let her eat Mexican.
00:20:58Mexican.
00:20:58Yeah, you know, tacos, frajitas, anchiladas.
00:21:02Why not?
00:21:03Because that's when all the trouble starts.
00:21:06Trouble?
00:21:07Yeah.
00:21:07You didn't hear about Tony Quackatone?
00:21:10Well, I heard some things.
00:21:12All I know is, Mimi sends Tony out for some chimichangas, right?
00:21:16The next thing you know,
00:21:18he's packed tighter than a Japanese subway at rush hour!
00:21:22Hey, Jimmy.
00:21:24You want to know what they call a burrito over at Montello's house?
00:21:29What?
00:21:30Hey, don't, stupid!
00:21:31Haven't you been listening?
00:21:33No!
00:21:34Mexican!
00:21:36Putz!
00:21:39You strippers will do anything for a buck.
00:21:42Come on, now get out of here before I wet my pants.
00:21:45Come on, squeeze in, yeah.
00:21:48Nice, tinsel.
00:21:48Hey, hey, there he is, Jimmy Nova, Mr. Eurotrash himself.
00:21:54Hey, you kill any bugs for me this morning?
00:21:58He's back on the job.
00:21:59Atta boy.
00:22:00I can see traveling around the world you haven't lost your touch.
00:22:03Want to hear what they call a cockroach in Botswana?
00:22:05Now, why the fuck would anybody want to know that?
00:22:10Now, look, this afternoon, I'm sending you out on your most important job yet.
00:22:14Now, you know my Mimi means the world to me.
00:22:17And if anything should happen to my sweet, plump, adorable little Mimi,
00:22:22I couldn't be held accountable for my actions.
00:22:25I hear you.
00:22:27Good.
00:22:28So, we feel good about this?
00:22:31Say it.
00:22:35We feel good about this.
00:22:37Good.
00:22:40Now, say it like there was a hot poker up your ass.
00:22:54Jimmy.
00:22:56I'm slipping into something more comfortable.
00:22:59The door's unlocked.
00:23:01Come on in and make yourself your home.
00:23:05Mimi.
00:23:15Hello?
00:23:18Anybody home?
00:23:25Mimi?
00:23:27Mimi?
00:23:54Hello, Mimi.
00:23:55Hey, turn it down, will ya?
00:24:03There.
00:24:04Is that better, cowboy?
00:24:06Yeah, it's much better.
00:24:08Hey, where the hell are ya?
00:24:09I'm gonna be another minute putting on my face.
00:24:12Why don't you take off your jacket and stay a while, Tex?
00:24:15Alright.
00:24:17Say, uh, are you using the little cowpokes room?
00:24:22What?
00:24:23I need to lead my horse to water.
00:24:25What are you talking about?
00:24:28I gotta take a leak, alright?
00:24:30Oh, knock yourself out.
00:24:33Just remember, all employees must wash their hands before returning to work.
00:24:39That means you, partner.
00:24:42Which way?
00:24:43Right behind you.
00:24:45First door on your right.
00:24:47Hurry back so we can mambo.
00:24:55Hey, manchito, you go.
00:25:20Now, what did Daddy's little hitman bring Mimi for being so good?
00:25:47Bingo!
00:25:50Oh my God! Mimi, no!
00:25:57Bring it up.
00:25:59Come on.
00:26:00Come on.
00:26:03God, buy me a drink first.
00:26:06You just swallowed that Holy Claire.
00:26:08Relax. I'll buy you another.
00:26:10No, you understand. It's...
00:26:12Stale? I know.
00:26:14But I had to have something.
00:26:15I have this little blood sugar problem.
00:26:18Didn't Montello tell you?
00:26:22So...
00:26:23How do I look?
00:26:28Uh...
00:26:29Nice.
00:26:33Really nice.
00:26:34To keep our little date from becoming a complete snore, we have to make a little pit stop first.
00:26:43I hope you brought some protection.
00:26:45Protection?
00:26:46I have to pick something up in Van Nuys.
00:26:47How do you expect to protect me if you didn't bring a little beach, Starsky?
00:26:50Don't take my little spray.
00:26:52Hey, baby, let's go.
00:26:54And to drive us.
00:26:56This has been the worst montage.
00:26:57We're gonna be fine.
00:26:58There's a change in many things I can't define.
00:27:02Or take it first when it's worth your mind.
00:27:05It's a sense of performance we cover the plan.
00:27:08Who cares what game we choose?
00:27:12Little to win, but nothing to lose.
00:27:15Honey?
00:27:24Coming, Pookie.
00:27:25Look, who just dropped by for a quick pick-me-up.
00:27:28Mimi, you minx, where the dickens have you been?
00:27:32Mimi, your new hairdo is just so much fun.
00:27:34Show it to Les.
00:27:35Les, honey, isn't Mimi's hair just F-U-M?
00:27:37W-O-W, wow.
00:27:42Who's your friend?
00:27:44Oh, this is Jimmy Nova.
00:27:45He's my escort for the afternoon.
00:27:47He works for Montello.
00:27:51Bang, bang, huh, Jimmy?
00:27:53Wild.
00:27:53It's your money or your wife, huh?
00:27:55It's not what you think.
00:27:56I'm just an exterminator.
00:27:57I bet you're just murder with that magnum weapon of yours, aren't you?
00:28:00Scam.
00:28:04Bang, bang.
00:28:05Oh, right through the heart.
00:28:06Ah!
00:28:08Well, you two didn't just come all the way over here
00:28:12just says, stand by a lava lamp.
00:28:14Mimi, wait till you see the shipment that Les just got in.
00:28:18It's some incredible stuff.
00:28:21Show me.
00:28:22This way to the beanbag.
00:28:31You are going to love this stuff.
00:28:35Jesus, Mimi.
00:28:36This is Topolo, from Columbia.
00:28:39Very rich.
00:28:41This is Choco.
00:28:43Bitter, but equally as good.
00:28:46And this...
00:28:48is Bosco.
00:28:52From the black forest of Germany.
00:28:55Now, these two are the same, 45 an ounce.
00:29:02These are friend prices.
00:29:05This one...
00:29:06this one's 75.
00:29:0975 dollars?
00:29:11Is it worth it?
00:29:12Mimi, this Bosco is wild.
00:29:14It's crazy with a K.
00:29:17Okay.
00:29:18I'll take 500 dollars worth.
00:29:20Hold on a second there, Mimi.
00:29:23Look, what you do on your own time, that's your business.
00:29:26But today you're with me, and I'm not driving around
00:29:27with a shitload of hashish.
00:29:30Are you insane, Columbo?
00:29:31It's not hashish.
00:29:33It's chocolate.
00:29:35It's black market fudge, Jimmy.
00:29:37Did he say hash?
00:29:39Jimmy, this is the valley.
00:29:42Mind if I spark some up right here?
00:29:46Please do.
00:29:47Our casa is your casa.
00:29:49Um, I can't get it open.
00:29:52Oh, they double-seam like that for customs.
00:29:54Here, help me out with this, Samson.
00:29:57I'll get an A.
00:29:58I can't get it.
00:29:59Do you have any cookies?
00:30:00Oh, Slippers, give it to me.
00:30:02I... I need some sugar.
00:30:04Please, I'm feeling a little...
00:30:06God, Mimi!
00:30:08Oh, my God, I've killed her!
00:30:10She ate my eclair!
00:30:12Believe me, it would take a lot more than a donut to kill Mimi.
00:30:14It's her blood sugar.
00:30:15She's in shock.
00:30:16Oh, you're right.
00:30:17She told us this was going to happen.
00:30:18Les, honey, grab some orange juice from the fridge.
00:30:20Jimmy, check her bag for some dextrous.
00:30:21We're going to have to give her a shot.
00:30:23Is this it?
00:30:24Yes.
00:30:24Now, just roll her over while I figure out how to read this.
00:30:27Oh, my God, my tongue's going to kill me.
00:30:29We're all going to concentrate.
00:30:30I'm going to have to make some French.
00:30:32Honey, please, flam shop.
00:30:33Just get her something sweet.
00:30:34Anything with cubes.
00:30:35Just hang in there, Mimi.
00:30:36Jimmy's not going to let you die.
00:30:37What do I do?
00:30:38Uh, locate and expose the upper forward quadrant of either gluteus maximus.
00:30:42What the fuck does that mean?
00:30:43Show us her body.
00:30:44Thanks, Pookie.
00:30:45Oh, she's got a tattoo.
00:30:49Oh, that?
00:30:50That's actually a little map, see?
00:30:52It points away to the nearest burger world.
00:30:55Now what?
00:30:56Indicate intended point of penetration by marking the area with a large X.
00:31:00Mark it with what?
00:31:01What are you doing?
00:31:02Pink on purpose.
00:31:03Here, use this.
00:31:04Here?
00:31:05No, here.
00:31:06I believe they meant here.
00:31:08Oh, silly.
00:31:08The upper quadrant is right here.
00:31:10No, I'm positive.
00:31:11It's here.
00:31:12Get out of the way.
00:31:13Oh, ow.
00:31:14Oh.
00:31:25Mimi, say something.
00:31:27I need a cookie.
00:31:32Now!
00:31:37God!
00:31:37The least you could have done was rent a decent car.
00:31:45The least you could do is say thank you.
00:31:47Oh, for what?
00:31:48Slamming a needle halfway up my ass?
00:31:50You hit me in my eyes!
00:31:52And you didn't even grab my fucking chocolate!
00:31:53That's it, I'm taking you home.
00:31:56No, this is my afternoon and you have to do what I want.
00:31:59You wouldn't want me to tell Montello that you've deprived me of food and nearly forced
00:32:02his new weapon to a coma, would you?
00:32:05What is this place?
00:32:06It's the Independent Cafe.
00:32:07Isn't it great?
00:32:09All the waiters and waitresses dress like characters from your favorite independent movies.
00:32:13Fantastic.
00:32:13You!
00:32:14You!
00:32:15Can't eat a bucket of fuck!
00:32:18Bitch.
00:32:20Hello.
00:32:21I'm Priscilla, queen of the dessert.
00:32:23Oh!
00:32:25I'll be your waitress this afternoon.
00:32:27Table for two.
00:32:28Well, we'd like a private table so we can tell secrets.
00:32:31I understand.
00:32:33Walk this way.
00:32:35What?
00:32:36Sorry about the mess.
00:32:38We had a little incident this afternoon in the piano section.
00:32:42He had a gun and he had jerry.
00:32:44Come, come, come.
00:32:46Wow, that body looks real.
00:32:48Cool.
00:32:49Look at my lip.
00:32:50Look at my lip.
00:32:52Look at my lip.
00:32:53What's up, world?
00:32:54What's this?
00:32:55Oh, that's movie karaoke.
00:32:57While you wait for your food, you can participate in scenes from your favorite movie.
00:33:01Charlie!
00:33:02They took my fucking job, Charlie.
00:33:06Sound of music.
00:33:07Watch your backs.
00:33:09Back up, cracker.
00:33:10Coffee coming through for the man.
00:33:11Do the right thing, Mookie.
00:33:15Get the fuck out of my way before I take your fucking ear.
00:33:18Boy, I'll tell you, you know, I had this tuna fish salad sandwich up my ass for two years.
00:33:25Enjoy.
00:33:25Boy, she's not retarded.
00:33:28She's deaf.
00:33:30She's not happy.
00:33:33She's just refusing to talk.
00:33:34What did the guy look like?
00:33:36Jesus Christ.
00:33:38Careful of the corpse.
00:33:39It's living when wet.
00:33:40I asked you about that.
00:33:42That body looks like he has no head.
00:33:43Oh, look.
00:33:48Mia Farrow and Moe Howard.
00:33:51He was the hottest stooge.
00:33:53So cruel.
00:33:55Today's specials are listed on the back.
00:33:59Oh, what's a crying game appetizer?
00:34:02Well, we tell you it's an absolutely fabulous assortment of raw fish.
00:34:06Then we bring you a hot dog instead.
00:34:07Oh.
00:34:08And the water roll platter?
00:34:10That's just a cheese sandwich, but it costs $270.
00:34:15You go ahead, Jimmy.
00:34:16I just can't decide.
00:34:18All right.
00:34:19I'll just have the Woody Allen with an extra pickle.
00:34:21Sorry, sir.
00:34:22That's our children's menu.
00:34:24You have to be underage to get the Woody.
00:34:27Oh.
00:34:28I'll have the El Mariachi.
00:34:32What's that?
00:34:33That's our cheapest dish.
00:34:34For about $0.99, you get two tacos, a tostada, a fajita, a burrito, an enchilada, chili rellenos.
00:34:41No, no, thanks.
00:34:42That's okay.
00:34:43No.
00:34:44We'll just have two hamburgers and some fries and a couple of cokes.
00:34:46How original.
00:34:48I wanted the El Mariachi.
00:34:49Yeah, and I don't want any more trouble.
00:34:50Don't you hate that?
00:35:15What?
00:35:15Those uncomfortable silences that occur when two alluring strangers are thrown together
00:35:20by fate and their pheromones do all the talking.
00:35:24Pheromones?
00:35:25You know, those imperceptible scents that animals give off to attract a mate.
00:35:35You saying I smell?
00:35:37I'm saying that maybe one of us should think of something to talk about before our more natural
00:35:42instincts take up.
00:35:45So, I hear you used to strip.
00:35:51Strip?
00:35:52Who told you that?
00:35:53I was just going around.
00:35:54I heard Montello, I believe, mentioned it.
00:35:56My husband used the word strip?
00:35:58Well, not necessarily.
00:35:59I believe what he said was...
00:36:00Because I did not strip, okay?
00:36:03I was an exotic dancer.
00:36:04There is a big difference.
00:36:05Naturally, there is.
00:36:06Maybe you heard of me?
00:36:07Sherry Lee?
00:36:09Sherry Lee?
00:36:10That was my stage name, like the cookies and the cakes.
00:36:13Everybody doesn't like something.
00:36:17But nobody didn't like Sherry Lee.
00:36:19Jelly Bean.
00:36:20Now, I'm going to go powder my nose.
00:36:28And when I come back, I want you to think of a secret to tell me.
00:36:38Hello.
00:36:38I'm going to sing on hello.
00:36:42I had this monitor up my ass for two years.
00:36:45I had this gun up my ass for two years.
00:36:50And I liked it.
00:36:51We're going to pose as nuns whose station wagon breaks down in front of the club.
00:37:02Montello doesn't leave for the bank until around two.
00:37:04So at 1.30, they should give us plenty of time.
00:37:07I'm going to smack him in the head with this.
00:37:09You're going to grab the cash and hide it in this.
00:37:12And we're going to be out of there for good.
00:37:14No more pasties and no more freaking Montello.
00:37:17No names, no worries.
00:37:19If you have to talk, you call me Sister Mary.
00:37:22Sister Sister.
00:37:24Sister Sledge.
00:37:26Sister Ruth.
00:37:27And Sister Betrill.
00:37:31Why do I have to be Sister Betrill?
00:37:33Because I'm the one handing out the names.
00:37:36Sister Betrill was played by Sally Fields.
00:37:37I don't like Sally Fields.
00:37:39I liked her in Smokey and the Bandit.
00:37:40Yeah, well, she was very good in Places in the Heart.
00:37:42Yep, she won a freaking Oscar.
00:37:43She made a great psycho in Sybil.
00:37:45My mother, my daughter, my mother, my daughter.
00:37:46She was way over the top in Soapditch.
00:37:48Wait, now, wasn't she a nun in Gidget?
00:37:49No, she was identical cousins in Gidget.
00:37:51No, that was Patty Hearst.
00:37:53No, it was Patty Duke.
00:37:54God, I was quiet.
00:37:56I don't want to be Sister Betrill.
00:38:00I'll be Betrill.
00:38:01Great.
00:38:02No!
00:38:03There's no switching names.
00:38:04You're Sister Betrill or you're out of here.
00:38:07But that makes me the freaking fucking flying nun.
00:38:09Deal with it.
00:38:10What's with the nuns?
00:38:13Some sort of religious jamboree.
00:38:16Perhaps they're rethinking that ninja motif.
00:38:20Hey, this is Taylor.
00:38:23You mind?
00:38:24This is a private meeting.
00:38:25Oh.
00:38:27Sorry, sisters.
00:38:29Fucking penguins.
00:38:30And a Wilson twin.
00:38:38Hey, are you okay?
00:38:40Much better, thank you.
00:38:42I don't know what's taking our food so long.
00:38:44It should have been here.
00:38:45Here, have a breadstick.
00:38:46Would you relax?
00:38:47I'm fine.
00:38:49Well, ten minutes ago, you were threatening to lapse into a coma.
00:38:51Well, that was ten minutes ago.
00:38:53Now I want to do something fun.
00:38:55Fun?
00:38:56Yeah.
00:38:57I want to dance.
00:39:01Hey, I think that's a good idea.
00:39:03I believe, Montello, my husband, your boss, told you to let me do whatever I want.
00:39:07Well, now I want to dance.
00:39:09Oh, I don't really think this is the time.
00:39:10Or shall we tell my husband that you had me go into insulin shock
00:39:14so you could throw my dress over my head and play tic-tac-toe on my ass?
00:39:18Huh?
00:39:21Maybe in a minute then...
00:39:23He's got a union card and he's practicing hard to play the guitar.
00:39:29Gonna be a big star.
00:39:31Yeah, he's gonna go far.
00:39:32And Carrie Moonbeam's home in a jar.
00:39:35He ordered checks, guitar corps, C-O-D.
00:39:38Makes A and E and he's working on B and D, C and W and R and B.
00:39:43And me and a chimpanzee agree that one day soon he'll be a celebrity.
00:39:48Get it, get it, get it, get it.
00:39:50Guitar zan, he's a guitar man.
00:39:54He's all you can stand, give him a hand, guitar zan.
00:40:02Put me down, put me down.
00:40:06I can't believe they asked you to leave.
00:40:15I hope you didn't tip.
00:40:16People were complaining.
00:40:18Must have been the stupid nuns.
00:40:20Look, uh, maybe we should just call it a day.
00:40:23Well, we haven't even had lunch yet.
00:40:25Oh, look, look, you just passed Burrito Barn.
00:40:28Oh.
00:40:29Look, look, uh, don't you have any food over at your place?
00:40:31Oh, and look, there's Taco Hut.
00:40:33They have these chimichangas.
00:40:34They're these little peanut-shaped pastries.
00:40:36Oh, God, just thinking about them gets me down.
00:40:39Maybe we could zip on over to your house.
00:40:41I could make a tuna sandwich.
00:40:43I want some gum.
00:40:44Uh-uh.
00:40:45Huh?
00:40:46I said pull over so I can buy some gum.
00:40:56What are you fucking nuts?
00:40:57Now, you wait here and I'll be out in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
00:41:00What?
00:41:01They shake their tails real fast.
00:41:03No.
00:41:06Toodles.
00:41:07Two minutes!
00:41:08Two minutes and I'm going!
00:41:10Turn-offs include cruelty to animal and vain people.
00:41:15That makeup she's wearing, I'm sure, is tested on lab rats.
00:41:19That shaved muff?
00:41:20It's the ultimate form of vanity.
00:41:22Hey, clerks!
00:41:24Bigger budget!
00:41:25Oh, my God!
00:41:37It's Taco Tuesday!
00:41:39Oh, my God!
00:41:40It's Taco Tuesday!
00:41:52It's Taco Tuesday!
00:41:53Jimmy!
00:41:54Oh!
00:41:55Oh!
00:41:56Oh!
00:41:57Oh!
00:41:58Oh!
00:41:59Oh!
00:42:00Oh!
00:42:01Oh!
00:42:02Oh!
00:42:03Oh!
00:42:04Oh!
00:42:05Oh!
00:42:07Hello, Jimmy.
00:42:14Mimi, your hair, you look... Oh, Lord.
00:42:18Mimi, you have a man.
00:42:20Hello, man.
00:42:30Mimi!
00:42:33Mimi! No more!
00:42:37No!
00:42:42No!
00:42:44No!
00:42:48No!
00:42:51No!
00:42:52No!
00:43:01Jesus Christ, Mimi!
00:43:03What the hell did you do that for?
00:43:05I hate that song.
00:43:07And I hate a bloody Quakey Mart.
00:43:12Look at this place.
00:43:14You know how much bleach I'm gonna have to use to clean off this mess, you stupid American dig!
00:43:18A little bit!
00:43:20Drop the gun, Mr. Buffalo Bill!
00:43:22Before I blast you and Calamity Jane here, so far into next week, you'll have to time travel just to take a dump.
00:43:29Coming into my store and waving your big gun around like you were walking past the White House.
00:43:41Nobody shoots nobody in this Quakey Mart except for Jean-Claude Ennemi.
00:43:44Nobody shoots nobody in this Quakey Mart except for Jean-Claude Ennemi.
00:43:46Nobody shoots nobody in this Quakey Mart except for Jean-Claude Ennemi.
00:43:48You try to steal something, I shoot you.
00:43:50You read my magazines, I shoot you.
00:43:52You make a mess at the little station using all my phone, breaking all my pens, I shit you!
00:43:58But that is me. Jean-Claude Ennemi, I do all the shooting.
00:44:08And now, I'm gonna shoot you.
00:44:13Unless, you wanted to buy something first.
00:44:19Oh, merde! I forgot to flip the sign!
00:44:29Who?
00:44:30Miss Killing will have to wait.
00:44:34What?
00:44:36You think I am some stupid American pig who's gonna leave you here all by yourselves so you could wiggle your way free and drink on my Yahoo?
00:44:48Oh!
00:44:53I'm going to get the gift!
00:44:55I'm going to get the gift!
00:45:01Gift! Gift, or anything?
00:45:05Come here Inside!
00:45:08Oh no, oh no...
00:45:15No hoistards, those idiotards!
00:45:18We are going to know what they were doing!
00:45:22Heal... Heal...
00:45:25Heal... Heal... Heal... Heal...
00:45:27Shit, shit, shit.
00:45:30Go here!
00:45:31Role over!
00:45:33Good girl!
00:45:38Stay. Stay. Stay!
00:45:42I'm terrible.
00:45:46But the fleas, oh la la. I tried everything.
00:45:50The deep, the spray, the color. But still, I'm scratchy.
00:45:54Hey! Who do you have to fuck around here to get a slushie? I'll be right there!
00:45:58Customers.
00:46:02Jesus. Okay, Gimp. Time to wash the
00:46:06prisoners while Jean-Claude overcharges some American pig for a soda.
00:46:16Now need pig to go pay.
00:46:24Now what printer ain't got ain't let now free
00:46:30that day in a wind.
00:46:32Day in a wind.
00:46:34Day in a wind.
00:46:36Day in a wind.
00:46:38That's right. Blah, blah, blah.
00:46:40Now you keep talking like that
00:46:42until you make the freaking earth bleed.
00:46:44And if that doesn't kill you,
00:46:46I'll be back to do the job myself.
00:46:48Hello?
00:46:50Hello?
00:46:51All right, all right, I'm coming.
00:46:52All right, all right, I'm coming.
00:46:58Now, God, there.
00:47:00God ain't.
00:47:02But now, no like there.
00:47:04They'll eat there.
00:47:06No like now.
00:47:08Day in a wind.
00:47:10Day in a wind.
00:47:12Day in a wind.
00:47:14Day in a wind.
00:47:15Day in a wind.
00:47:16Day in a wind.
00:47:17Day in a wind.
00:47:18Day in a wind.
00:47:19Day in a wind.
00:47:20Day in a wind.
00:47:21Day in a wind.
00:47:22Day in a wind.
00:47:23Day in a wind.
00:47:24Day in a wind.
00:47:25Day in a wind.
00:47:26Day in a wind.
00:47:27Day in a wind.
00:47:28Day in a wind.
00:47:29Day in a wind.
00:47:30Day in a wind.
00:47:31Day in a wind.
00:47:32Day in a wind.
00:47:33Day in a wind.
00:47:34Day in a wind.
00:47:35Day in a wind.
00:47:36Day in a wind.
00:47:37Day in a wind.
00:47:38Day in a wind.
00:47:39Day in a wind.
00:47:40Day in a wind.
00:47:41Day in a wind.
00:47:42You can untie me and my friend's hand, and B-L-E can help now.
00:47:49Eat a hot nail. Eat a hot nail.
00:47:54B-L-E show now, picture. Lee sneeze winky. Lee sneeze winky.
00:47:58Ta-ta big. Ta-ta big.
00:48:03Okay. Okay.
00:48:08Have a nice day now, you stupid American pig.
00:48:12Hey! Pepe Le Pew! How about a little cocoa bang?
00:48:18Oh, that's just great.
00:48:21Hey, the hell's that?
00:48:23You must have set the alarm off.
00:48:24Help me, little chicken pig.
00:48:27Let's get out of here.
00:48:28Yeah, let's go out the back.
00:48:29Yeah, what about the gimp?
00:48:32Ta-ta new ween, little chicken. Ta-ta new ween.
00:48:36What a moron.
00:48:37Watch it!
00:48:42Holy shit!
00:48:43That's a fucking car!
00:48:45All right, out!
00:48:46Baby.
00:48:47Drive!
00:48:48All right, let's go.
00:48:49Out of the car, Julie Andrews.
00:48:52Watch it, I'm a fucking nun!
00:48:55Holy fuck, you're Montel's wife!
00:48:57Fight!
00:48:58Fight me, Ann-Margaret!
00:49:04Wait, William, this is my boyfriend's car!
00:49:06Oh, yeah?
00:49:07Well, I got a message for your fucking boyfriend.
00:49:14What the fuck are you doing?!
00:49:15Just drive!
00:49:16Hey, what about us?
00:49:18Oh, sweet Jesus!
00:49:23Hang on!
00:49:29I don't believe it!
00:49:30You just shot a nun!
00:49:31She wasn't a nun, she said she had a boyfriend.
00:49:33Yeah.
00:49:34Well, maybe she meant God was her boyfriend.
00:49:36Ever think of that?
00:49:37What?
00:49:38Did you ever ever be married to the church?
00:49:40Oh, and they were just going steady?
00:49:42Please.
00:49:44What's the difference between purgatory and limbo, huh?
00:49:46Huh?
00:49:47What are you doing?
00:49:51See?
00:49:52They don't know.
00:49:53They're not nuns.
00:49:54Yeah, what is the difference between purgatory and limbo?
00:49:56Well, purgatory is like mini hell, and limbo is like...
00:50:02Christ!
00:50:03Well, if I was a fucking nun, I'd know!
00:50:06Right, sisters?
00:50:07Oh!
00:50:08Oh!
00:50:09Oh!
00:50:10Oh!
00:50:11Oh!
00:50:12Oh!
00:50:13Oh!
00:50:14Oh!
00:50:15Oh!
00:50:16Oh!
00:50:17Oh!
00:50:18Oh!
00:50:19Oh!
00:50:20Did you kill any of them?
00:50:21No.
00:50:22But I got their penguin.
00:50:24I know.
00:50:25The beak is sticking me in the neck.
00:50:26Do I have anything on me?
00:50:28No!
00:50:29You look great!
00:50:30That's it!
00:50:31You're cool!
00:50:32You're gonna be just fine!
00:50:33Stupid cow just shot me in the stomach!
00:50:34I am not cool!
00:50:35I'm gonna fucking die!
00:50:36You're not gonna die!
00:50:37Oh, shit!
00:50:38I just slipped on my own intestine!
00:50:39You're gonna get me to a hospital!
00:50:40I'm taking you to the rendezvous point!
00:50:41No!
00:50:42Yes!
00:50:43Yes, Sabrina!
00:50:44I'm losing life!
00:50:45I'm gonna die!
00:50:46I'm gonna fucking die!
00:50:47Ah!
00:50:48And now I just lost a lens!
00:50:49Great!
00:50:50Is it bleeding to death wasn't enough?
00:50:51Now I lose a fucking contact lens!
00:50:52I'm not gonna see the light!
00:50:53The tunnel of the lighthouse!
00:50:54I'm gonna go right past the lens!
00:50:55I'm not gonna see the light!
00:50:56The tunnel of the lighthouse!
00:50:57I'm gonna go right past the lens!
00:50:58You're gonna be just fine!
00:50:59You're gonna be just fine!
00:51:00That stupid cow just shot me in the stomach!
00:51:02I am not cool!
00:51:03I'm gonna fucking die!
00:51:04You're not gonna die!
00:51:05You're not gonna die!
00:51:06Shit!
00:51:07You're bleeding now!
00:51:08But everything is gonna be fine!
00:51:09Now come on!
00:51:10Ow!
00:51:11Great!
00:51:12You just broke a nail!
00:51:13Ah!
00:51:14Ah!
00:51:15Ah!
00:51:16Ah!
00:51:17Ah!
00:51:18Ah!
00:51:19Ah!
00:51:20Ah!
00:51:21Ah!
00:51:22Ah!
00:51:23Ah!
00:51:24Ah!
00:51:25Ah!
00:51:26Ah!
00:51:27Ah!
00:51:28Ah!
00:51:29Ah!
00:51:30Ah!
00:51:31Ah!
00:51:32Ah!
00:51:33Ah!
00:51:34Ah!
00:51:35Ah!
00:51:36Ah!
00:51:37Ah!
00:51:38Ah!
00:51:39Ah!
00:51:40Ah!
00:51:41Ah!
00:51:42Ah!
00:51:43Ah!
00:51:44Ah!
00:51:45Ah!
00:51:46Ah!
00:51:47Ah!
00:51:48Ah!
00:51:49Ah!
00:51:50Ah!
00:51:51Ah!
00:51:52Ah!
00:51:53Ah!
00:51:54Ah!
00:51:55Ah!
00:51:56Ah!
00:51:57Ah!
00:51:58Ah!
00:51:59Ah!
00:52:00Ah!
00:52:01Ah!
00:52:02Ah!
00:52:03Ah!
00:52:04Ah!
00:52:05Who's the best?
00:52:07You're the toughest, yeah?
00:52:09You're the toughest!
00:52:11Get your fucking going, you stupid prick!
00:52:15Sorry, sisters.
00:52:19I'm tired. I believe I will stop running.
00:52:29Everything's gonna be fine.
00:52:31Great! Now the fucking cops are after us!
00:52:34What do you mean?
00:52:35What happened?
00:52:36What happened?
00:52:37That fat chick with the magnum and the Cleopatra hairdo started taking punch on them!
00:52:41What?
00:52:42Holy shit!
00:52:43I threw that fucking penguin right out of my hands.
00:52:45I think she got a piece of my ear.
00:52:46What happened to the car?
00:52:47Fuck the car!
00:52:48What about these outfits, huh?
00:52:50I got powder burns on my wimpo and you both got blood all over yours!
00:52:54Relax.
00:52:55I swiped these fucking habits from the dressing room at my kids' school.
00:52:58They're doing the fucking benefit tonight, I ate.
00:53:01And you can't do a production of The Sound of Music without fucking habits!
00:53:05Where's Frankie's car?
00:53:06Fuck Frankie!
00:53:07Fuck this whole fucking stupid plan!
00:53:10Shit!
00:53:11Fuck!
00:53:12Somebody ratted us out.
00:53:13Did you see who that was?
00:53:14That fat chick with the gun?
00:53:16Yeah.
00:53:17Yeah!
00:53:18That was Montello's wife!
00:53:19Montello's fucking gun-toting, nun-shooting wife!
00:53:22You said you had this covered.
00:53:23How did you find out about this, huh?
00:53:24I don't know!
00:53:25I don't know!
00:53:26One of us is not a stripper.
00:53:29One of us is a lying bitch who's fucking Montello and now she's fucking all of us!
00:53:36Who you calling a bitch, you fucking who?
00:53:38You couldn't table dance your way out of a paper bag!
00:53:41You fucking mother fucker!
00:53:44Hey!
00:53:45Scissor Betrayal, relax.
00:53:46She said I...
00:53:47I know what she said!
00:53:48And I said relax, put the gun away!
00:53:50I said put the gun away!
00:53:55I could win a fucking noble prize for table dancing.
00:54:00Everybody's gotta keep their head.
00:54:01Now what happened to Sister Sister and Sister Sledge?
00:54:04I don't know!
00:54:06I didn't stick around to find out!
00:54:08Fucking bullshit!
00:54:10We didn't get the fucking money!
00:54:11We'll get the fucking money!
00:54:13Candy, I feel dizzy.
00:54:15You told her you're made.
00:54:18I can't believe you told her you're fucking made.
00:54:20She's bleeding to death.
00:54:21What the fuck was I supposed to do?
00:54:23What happened to the plan, huh?
00:54:26No names, no worries!
00:54:28I had to improvise, okay?
00:54:30Yeah, well, your plan sucks!
00:54:33This whole none thing was fucked to begin with!
00:54:37I don't wanna be Sister Betrayal.
00:54:39I'll be Betrayal.
00:54:40Great.
00:54:41No!
00:54:42There's no switching names.
00:54:43Your Sister Betrayal, or you're outta here!
00:54:46Hey, Liz Taylor!
00:54:48You mind?
00:54:49This is a private meeting.
00:54:51Oh.
00:54:52Sorry, sisters.
00:54:53Fucking penguins.
00:54:55Maybe she knew all along.
00:54:57Somebody had to tip her off.
00:54:58I think it was Sister Sledge.
00:55:02Speak of the devil!
00:55:04Who called the cops?
00:55:05We don't know!
00:55:06We think somebody's trying to fuck us up.
00:55:08Yeah, well, they're doing a good job.
00:55:10Sorry!
00:55:11I think I smell a rat.
00:55:13Sure you don't mean a bat?
00:55:15Sister Bat-trill?
00:55:16Why don't you close those scrawny little legs, give us all a break?
00:55:19You're the one that tipped off Montel, you fucking bitch!
00:55:23I got a tip for you, you scrawny piece of trash.
00:55:26You best back off Ice Mocha,
00:55:27before she tears you a whole new hole to shake at your customers.
00:55:30Oh, yeah!
00:55:31You bitch!
00:55:32Oh, yeah!
00:55:33Fuck you!
00:55:34And you shouldn't say your name, you asshole!
00:55:35You're fucked up!
00:55:36I've got enough!
00:55:37You're fucked up!
00:55:38Sister Sledge is cool!
00:55:40I picked her myself!
00:55:41She hates Montello more than any of us!
00:55:44How do we know it's not you, Bat-trill?
00:55:47You're the one who's running around pointing all the fingers.
00:55:50What the fuck you talking about?
00:55:52I supplied the fucking costumes!
00:55:55Oh, yeah?
00:55:56Well, I've never seen you strip.
00:55:58I ain't even seen a pasty!
00:56:00Yeah!
00:56:01And them mosquito bites of yours certainly ain't the tits of an exotic dancer.
00:56:05Show us your tits!
00:56:06Yeah, bitch!
00:56:07Yeah!
00:56:08Where'd you get this one, Sister Mary?
00:56:10I didn't.
00:56:11She came to me.
00:56:14Don't you fucking fuck with me!
00:56:17It's been you who's been fucking with us all this time.
00:56:20Drop the gun, Bat-trill!
00:56:22Make her drop it first!
00:56:24Sledge, this ain't the way!
00:56:27Back off, Candy.
00:56:28Don't pull that mother superior crap with me.
00:56:30Put it down, Sledge!
00:56:32It's Pat-trill!
00:56:33I know it!
00:56:36Get the fuck out of this, Sister Ruth!
00:56:39Go ahead, you bloody bitch!
00:56:40Let me finish ya!
00:56:41yeah!
00:56:46Get her!
00:56:47Get her!
00:56:48Get her!
00:56:49Get her!
00:56:50Get her!
00:56:51Get her!
00:56:52Get her!
00:56:53I'll get her!
00:56:54I'll get her in that cappuchino!
00:56:55Enough with the fucking cappuchino,
00:56:56would you shut up we're trying to shoot a fucking movie in here
00:57:03the fucking script would ever get here
00:57:06enough with the fucking cappuccino
00:57:08and in the world of federation tag team wrestling a fatal upset last night as
00:57:27nikki and valerie cox defeated and inadvertently killed the famed tag team wrestling champions
00:57:32the brothers mcmuller the pair escaped and are currently being sought to answer to three
00:57:37separate charges of criminal manslaughter in other news
00:57:40woohoo three's my lucky number baby
00:57:45oh montella never knew what hit him
00:57:48oh that's it baby
00:57:51oh yeah bring that booty over here baby
00:57:56so what do you see a man can't pull a piece of melted wax off a bitch's face without it
00:58:07meaning something what i'm saying is mimi's mustache is between mimi and montello
00:58:10mm-hmm now let's just suppose you and this mimi go out to a fancy restaurant
00:58:14all right the bitch orders eggs florentine got it she gets a piece of spinach caught on
00:58:18her upper lip you mean to tell me you wouldn't help her
00:58:20spinach and pubic hair ain't the same thing man what you talking pubic hair man this ain't no
00:58:24fucking pubic hair motherfucker pulling a piece of wax off a person's face ain't
00:58:28shit i used to shave my mother's back before they sent her off to the asylum
00:58:32really hey you ever shave a guy's back does prison count outside of prison
00:58:42fuck you huh have you fuck you
00:58:46our star is on the rise nicky we are surrounded by angels that are converging on this moment in um
00:58:54time to help us realize our destiny you're just throw a tree in motion baby
00:59:01i think that i shall never see a poem as lovely as nicky
00:59:12um baby um you know i can't wait till tomorrow why don't we just pack our stuff
00:59:19up and go look for gulliver stone now sweet little nicky you're just a murdering fool aren't you
00:59:29all right let's do it
00:59:34it's montello we're gonna fucking die we're gonna fucking die would you shut the
00:59:38fuck up get off who is it exterminator did you call the exterminator
00:59:47uh well i saw that big spider again maybe we're on the land nicky we can't have nobody snooping
00:59:52around in here you stupid bitch well what are we gonna fucking do come on you two honeymooners
00:59:56get your gun let him in out of the hallway before somebody calls the fucking cops
01:00:13we could hear you no need to be brand like a mule you just caught me and nicky here in the middle of
01:00:23some real important business ain't that right baby that's right baby real important business
01:00:29so i guess you'll have to come back some other time all righty let's go wait a second kato
01:00:38so you're asking us to reschedule she ain't asking you nothing spray boy
01:00:44i'm telling you
01:00:47now pick up your fucking bug cans and get out
01:00:50does this seem familiar to anybody deja vu i didn't ask you a goddamn thing
01:00:59you are standing in the way of the working man so so so my ass uncle fester so
01:01:07so a needle and a thread la a note to follow motherfucking so
01:01:11t the letter in the alphabet i use to describe the way i square off in your motherfucking ass
01:01:19which brings us back to so i thought it was dope so get your point bug man the point is is that me
01:01:30and my partner here we represent the plight of the righteous working man we are here to do our job
01:01:36and we take orders from one person our boss montello oh baby that worked for montello this is so bad
01:01:44well do something baby come on give me this your hairy armpit fish
01:01:48shoot them vicky shoot them
01:01:52well you're a lousy shot well my glasses fogged up baby grab everything we are leaving now
01:02:10nikki baby where's hotel's briefcase it's there i don't see it
01:02:19no i put it on the dresser underneath your copy of extra chromosome magazine
01:02:24well here's the magazine but i don't see no briefcase well did you look for it of course i
01:02:30looked what do you think i'm doing here are you sure you brought it i'm sure
01:02:39you don't sound sure i'm pretty sure well either you're sure or you're not so which is it
01:02:49i'm not sure god damn it nikki you are bad bad bad bad bad
01:03:00well if you hadn't made a stop for pancakes after the match
01:03:03no no don't you blame this on me god wait a minute
01:03:11pancakes
01:03:12i left it in the booth at the diner
01:03:18well get your gun we're going back well our story is all over the news now
01:03:26great let's go back and write them another chapter
01:03:30and that goes for every last motherfucking one of you
01:03:37and that goes for every last motherfucking one of you
01:03:47yo bro it's the brown billfold i know which one it is
01:03:51bro how'd you know which one it was because it's the one that says cheap motherfucker on it
01:03:57if the shoe fits bro and don't bother coming back till you learn how to tip
01:04:04hello i'm priscilla queen of the desserts we know we were here last night
01:04:10don't you ever go home fruit bowl i'm working a double whatever listen
01:04:17hi head we left a briefcase never mind her nikki
01:04:26i've already found it oh well looky here valerie some over caffeinated patron of this fine dining
01:04:32establishment has located our briefcase for us hand over the briefcase java girl before we decide to
01:04:38decaffeinate you you two skinheads take one more stuff and i'll blow your white trash heads off
01:04:45you don't know who we are no damn that gulliver stone say your prayers coffee breath i'm gonna
01:04:52feel you so full of lead you look like a number two pencil fucker god damn it nikki oh
01:04:59shit baby look i fucked up i didn't put the bullets in the gun you stupid
01:05:03bitch prepare to meet your maker maybe he'll know who the fuck you are
01:05:16holy shit it's that spray boy what the fuck's he doing with your gun baby i'm in a transitional
01:05:22period thanks to both of y'all's lousy ass aim now hand over the briefcase jesus christ
01:05:29oh this is so bad no no no fuck it i'm gonna give it to him don't give it to him nikki the
01:05:34briefcase is ours he's gonna put a bullet in kojak's fucking ass if you don't hand over the briefcase
01:05:39let's go do something baby do something don't you touch him bug man or you're gonna die and die and
01:05:45die again oh i'm gonna wet myself tell yule brenner to chill tell him chill you brenner tell him to be cool
01:05:56tell him to be cool say it be cool nikki i'm going number two that's it i'm just going that is so
01:06:04gross yeah nikki that's right we're all gonna be like little vinnie barberinos and what was vinnie
01:06:10barberino wise ass well all of the sweat hogs were wise asses but they all had their own distinct
01:06:15characteristic like horse shack he was a nerd and boom boom washington he was very suave he was also in
01:06:21coolie high i ain't seen him in shit since i know what happened to him i loved him you're so good
01:06:27in that you know he did go on to do a television movie he played michael jackson's father he was
01:06:30very good he doesn't work enough hey what was vinnie barberino like cool that's right he was cool so
01:06:37we all gonna have to just be cool or buffy and jody get a couple of bullets in their motherfucking ass
01:06:42now open up the briefcase we'll open it but we own what's inside
01:06:56it's an original it's classic well what is it oh it's a welcome back cotter lunch box very rare
01:07:07very hard to find and uh little yellow glowy things but the box is in mint condition and and
01:07:13we know we could get a pretty penny for it you damn right there's a lot of money in that box that's why
01:07:19we're keeping the box we're keeping the box oh you can have the box you and mr penis head i'm just
01:07:26gonna help myself to what's inside of it like i said there's a lot of money in that lunch box
01:07:38you can have that now but let me tell you it ain't worth a damn thing without the thermos
01:07:44are you flirting with me oh
01:07:55now with the exception of a few silver fish in the men's room this restaurant is now vermin free
01:08:05here's for the pancakes if the police stop by you just tell them that this restaurant has been
01:08:12exterminated
01:08:16you can turn it up
01:08:24the schoolgirl days
01:08:30of telling tales and writing nails are gone
01:08:34oh
01:08:43oh
01:08:49somebody should have filmed this
01:08:50shit somebody should have filmed this
01:08:52shit somebody should have filmed this
01:08:53shit probably be nominated for an austin unless of course the filmmaker was a black man he was a black
01:08:57man he was a brother then he won't be nominated for
01:08:59shit they won't even show his tuxedo wearing ass doing a telecast
01:09:13come on come on come on bunny answer the phone
01:09:26oh
01:09:30aren't you going you fucking dweeb
01:09:34houston we have a problem
01:09:38will somebody help him with the fucking script
01:09:52oh
01:09:57Nail free.
01:10:10Nail got job.
01:10:10Now we're going to feed film.
01:10:15What did you say?
01:10:17Nobody knows.
01:10:18Nobody cares.
01:10:19She works for free.
01:10:20Makes a hell of a cappuccino.
01:10:21Nice job.
01:10:25It's a home.
01:10:26It's a home.
01:10:29Check it be.
01:10:31Finally the script.
01:10:34Wait a minute.
01:10:35What the fuck?
01:10:37The script is totally fucked.
01:10:39I know.
01:10:39I know.
01:10:40I tried to put it all back together, but I couldn't.
01:10:42It's all messed up.
01:10:43It doesn't make any sense.
01:10:45I know.
01:10:47I love it.
01:10:48You do?
01:10:49Who cares what comes when?
01:10:51That's so mainstream.
01:10:52As long as it's bloody and violent.
01:10:56Maxwell!
01:10:57We're going to shoot this.
01:10:58Yeah.
01:10:58I have another script I'm planning to drop.
01:11:08How do you feel now, Chimi?
01:11:13Fabuloso.
01:11:14Let's run for the border.
01:11:21I'm in the mood for some fried chicken.
01:11:32Give me the wheel.
01:11:33Give me the wheel.
01:11:34No, no, no.
01:11:34I'm going to hit the side.
01:11:36Damn, don't you stop me.
01:11:38You say so much.
01:11:39Oh my God, come on.
01:11:40I'm so, baby.
01:11:43You need to be so intense.
01:11:44Good, mister.
01:11:46I'm sorry.
01:11:48I'm sorry.
01:11:53I'm sorry.
01:11:55I needed you
01:11:57How did you know
01:11:59I needed you so badly
01:12:02How did you know
01:12:04I'd give my heart gladly
01:12:06Yesterday
01:12:07I was one of the lonely people
01:12:10Now you're lying close to me
01:12:13Making love to me
01:12:15Give me your hand
01:12:15No one's gonna die here
01:12:17Give me your hand
01:12:18No one's gonna die
01:12:19Maybe over there
01:12:20Someone's gonna die
01:12:21But no one's gonna die here
01:12:22Give me your hand
01:12:24All right
01:12:25And she gets a piece of spinach
01:12:26Caught on her lip
01:12:27You mean to tell me
01:12:28You ain't gonna help her
01:12:28Spinach and pubic hair
01:12:30Ain't the same thing
01:12:31Man, what the fuck
01:12:32You talking pubic hair
01:12:33Cut it, cut it
01:12:34Just over a while
01:12:35Keep going guys
01:12:37Keep going
01:12:37I'm out of focus now
01:12:38Bring it back
01:12:39Motherfucker
01:12:39What you talking pubic hair
01:12:40That don't mean shit
01:12:41Oh man
01:12:43I can't even tell you something
01:12:44Cut it
01:12:45Back to work
01:12:46Oh fucking
01:12:47Did you know
01:12:52You're everything I prayed for
01:12:54Did you know
01:12:56Every night and day for
01:12:58Every day
01:13:00You didn't love and satisfaction
01:13:02Now you're lying next to me
01:13:05Giving up to me
01:13:07I believe in miracles
01:13:09Pray for
01:13:12You sex a thing
01:13:15Sex a thing
01:13:16Here's De Niro and Frankenstein
01:13:18Did you fuck my bride
01:13:20Did you fuck my bride
01:13:22I think you did
01:13:23You've been fucking my bride
01:13:25Ah
01:13:25Well you're a lousy shot
01:13:28My glasses fogged up baby
01:13:30I was thinking
01:13:31Go ahead
01:13:32Hit me
01:13:32Grab everything
01:13:34We are leaving now
01:13:35Shit shit shit
01:13:39Pumpkin
01:13:40Visit Sound of the Warehouse
01:13:42At La Brea in Washington
01:13:43Right away
01:13:43Okay
01:13:44And this time
01:13:45And this time
01:13:51Don't screw it up
01:13:53Smokin
01:13:54Where you from
01:13:56You sexy thing
01:13:58Sex a thing
01:13:59I've been eating milk
01:14:01Since you came along
01:14:05You sexy thing
01:14:07Touch me
01:14:09I'd like to sing
01:14:24A few songs
01:14:25For you
01:14:26My rendition
01:14:27A Christmas song
01:14:30Brings
01:14:31Memories
01:14:34But our story's all over the news
01:14:36Dude
01:14:38Let's go back
01:14:39And ride
01:14:40I'm a human being
01:14:50Maltin animal
01:14:52I'm your good man
01:14:55That's what I am
01:14:57I'm here to
01:14:59Whatever I can
01:15:01Be in early morning
01:15:03Late afternoon
01:15:04Or at midnight
01:15:07It's never too soon
01:15:09Don't wanna be
01:15:11Don't wanna keep you
01:15:13Don't wanna do it all
01:15:15All for you
01:15:17I wanna be your
01:15:19Be your rubber ball
01:15:21I wanna be your
01:15:23You know what?
01:15:24You know how they
01:15:24In the cartoons
01:15:25In the commercials
01:15:26They got those little
01:15:26Shells covering their breasts
01:15:28Right, right
01:15:29They had not
01:15:29Yeah, just those
01:15:31Surf and turf titties
01:15:32Hanging out in the
01:15:32Disney daylight
01:15:33Get out of town, babe
01:15:35You gotta be kidding me
01:15:36You know they do that
01:15:37In Vegas
01:15:38Just nothing up top, man
01:15:39It's heavy
01:15:40I can only see it
01:15:41With one eye, though, babe
01:15:42Slowly
01:15:43I'd pull a cream puff
01:15:45Out of my cleavage
01:15:46And then I'd eat it
01:15:48Then I'd pull off
01:15:50My UUs
01:15:51Two big runny handfuls
01:16:01The Peach Cobbler
01:16:02The Peach Cobbler
01:16:02Cut!
01:16:12We're clear
01:16:14Keep buying it, Jimmy
01:16:15My man is where I am
01:16:18Oh, yeah
01:16:19I'm a spooky man, I'm a spooky man
01:16:25Turn me on
01:16:27I'm a spooky man, I'm a spooky man
01:16:29I do what you want
01:16:30I'm your boogie man, I'm your boogie man
01:16:33Turn with me on
01:16:35I'm your boogie man, I'm your boogie man
01:16:37I do what you want
01:16:39I'm your boogie man
01:16:40That's what I am
01:16:42I'm willing to...
01:16:44Hello, I'm Priscilla.
01:16:47Queen of the deserts, we know.
01:16:49We were here last night.
01:16:51Don't you ever go home, Prudy?
01:16:52I'm working a double.
01:16:54Whatever.
01:16:56Listen.
01:16:59Pumpkin head
01:17:00Big lips
01:17:02Pie head
01:17:04Fat lips
01:17:05Pie head
01:17:07Juicy
01:17:09We had this briefcase.
01:17:18Stay cool
01:17:20And open up the briefcase.
01:17:23We'll open it, but we...
01:17:25We got it.
01:17:29Fala la la la.
01:17:47A la la la.
01:17:50A la la la.
01:17:52And we'll do that.
01:17:54So we got to do that.
01:17:56Fa-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la. I'm Jimmy.
01:18:01What? Christmas.
01:18:03This guy sucks.
01:18:04Excuse me. Whoa. Where are you going?
01:18:07We'll leave.
01:18:08Excuse me. You don't like my singing?
01:18:10You suck.
01:18:11Fuck you, asshole.
01:18:15Hair up in a bun, his titties just hanging out?
01:18:17You better believe me.
01:18:18I love it, babe. Used to do that with Italian chicks in Vegas.
01:18:23Lost my marble over it.
01:18:26I love it, babe.
01:18:56Mixed up, crazy out-of-sequence kind of day.
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