New Zealand Tomorrow Season 1 Episode 1

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Transcript

00:00We're in for a really big problem in New Zealand.

00:13We're suffering the consequences.

00:14It's a dead duck.

00:15Who are you weird people?

00:16It's a lot of horseshit.

00:17How big's your shell?

00:18Let's get you free.

00:19I have to do the broadcast.

00:21Don't worry about the heinous.

00:22You gotta give up.

00:23This is actually the biggest investigation of my life.

00:25My name is Guy Williams, and I just

00:28wanted to let you know that dreams do come true.

00:30But that's not necessarily a good thing.

00:33For the past seven years, I've hosted a parody news show

00:36called New Zealand Today, investigating small-town stories

00:39that real journalists wouldn't touch.

00:41What drives a man to steal a monkey?

00:44Because they weren't very good.

00:46I'd achieved more than anyone ever thought I could

00:49until I stumbled upon a greater purpose.

00:53And I think it's kind of interesting to explain how I got here.

00:56Not here as in this field.

00:58I drove here.

00:59I mean here in a metaphorical way, I think.

01:02I don't really understand metaphors.

01:04It all started when I went to a town

01:06called Waimate.

01:10Well, the time's just gone six minutes past before.

01:20You're listening to Waimate Community Radio, WCR 87.7 FM.

01:24Now, there's a few things happening in the next couple of weeks.

01:27And of course, Santa Parade weekend is Saturday tomorrow.

01:31And also, there's a monster garage sale on pre-Christmas delights.

01:34I'd never been to Waimate.

01:35Not many people have.

01:38There's hardly 9,000 people in the entire district.

01:41And it's only known for one thing.

01:44A yellow shed on State Highway 1

01:46begging tourists to leave the main road

01:48and come and see wallabies.

01:50And claiming there's, quote,

01:52so much to see.

01:53But hardly anyone takes them up on this offer.

01:56Because wallabies are a common and invasive pest in New Zealand.

01:59And people are highly sceptical that there's, quote,

02:02so much to see.

02:03And that's why I'm headed to Waimate.

02:06And I started at the Enkildo very corner, Wallaby Park.

02:11Open 20th of September, Queen's birthday weekend.

02:14It doesn't say what year.

02:16Good morning. How are you?

02:18Hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Guy.

02:20Hi. I'm Gwen. How are you?

02:21I met park owner slash operator slash only person,

02:25Gwen Dempster-Shooton,

02:26who's been hand-rearing these orphan pests for almost 50 years.

02:31But it didn't take long for me to understand why.

02:34Oh, he's so beautiful.

02:35See? They're cute.

02:36You just pick them up. They won't hurt you.

02:38See? He's got big ears, this one.

02:40All the better to hear you with.

02:41He's got big ears.

02:43This one here is magic and this one's Bernice.

02:45This one hasn't got a name yet because we're still debating.

02:48Who are you debating with?

02:49Me.

02:51I'm thinking of calling it fugly.

02:53What does fugly mean?

02:55He's effing ugly.

02:56See, these are all orphans.

02:59How come they're orphans?

03:00Well, they get run over on the road.

03:02The mother does and gets killed.

03:03Baby in the pocket or hunters shoot her mum.

03:05Because they're a pest, you see.

03:07How could those beautiful wallabies be a pest?

03:09They supposedly decimate the forest.

03:13Do you think they don't decimate the forest?

03:15Oh, yeah, they do a bit.

03:16A little bit of decimation.

03:18Yeah.

03:18What do you say to people who want to eliminate wallabies from the bush?

03:21Oh, good luck.

03:22It'll take you a long time to get the last one.

03:24It keeps people employed.

03:27What keeps people employed?

03:28Hunting.

03:29So they sell them to the pet food factories and it's...

03:32Well, they put the wallabies into the pet food.

03:33Pet food, yes.

03:34There's a pet food factory in Timaru.

03:36That's wild.

03:37After returning fugly back to the pouch, Gwen gave me a detailed lecture on how to respectfully

03:42tame a wallaby.

03:43The same lecture she's delivered to the hundreds of foreign tourists she receives every decade.

03:49You have to speak English.

03:50No clicking.

03:52Some of them have been castrated.

03:53Takes a while for the testosterone levels to go down.

03:56They might try and fight me.

03:57No, no, they get amorous.

03:59They might try and have sex with me.

04:00No!

04:01They might try and hump your ankles.

04:03Yeah, that's sex with my ankles.

04:05Now, don't have that.

04:06That's silly.

04:07Right.

04:08Put your hands out.

04:09You sound like my mum.

04:10When you put food in your hands, part your feet, not that wide.

04:15Okay, sorry.

04:15So squat right down.

04:17All right.

04:17This is a joke.

04:18No, no, this is what you do.

04:20The wallabies eat out of your hands.

04:21Will they eat my hands?

04:22No.

04:23Will they try and have sex with my leg?

04:24No.

04:25Don't you just feed them.

04:26Keep to what we're doing.

04:28Okay, focus.

04:28Right.

04:29Focus.

04:29I've got ADHD.

04:30I've got ADHD.

04:31Yeah, I think you might have.

04:32Now, once you've fed the wallabies, you pick up the bag, you hold the bag.

04:36Then you look at the wallaby, which is in front of you.

04:38It's the most complicated thing I've ever done in my life.

04:40Listen, no, it's not.

04:41You're not listening.

04:42Sorry.

04:43Right.

04:43Okay, well.

04:44So stand up.

04:45I can't.

04:46I'm just tucked down here now.

04:47I'm having a great time, Gwen.

04:49Are you having a great time?

04:50Yeah, I just think, man, he's sick.

04:53And I was actually thrilled to finally meet the legendary Sonny Squillians.

04:57Oh, Sonny Squillians is grabbing my hand because we're good friends.

05:00Yeah, he holds your hands.

05:01This is good that none of them have tried to have sex with my legs.

05:04Oh, listen to him.

05:06Have you really got ADHD?

05:09I really have ADHD, yeah.

05:10I thought you were having me on.

05:11I can say the R word now.

05:14I was genuinely having an amazing time, and there was still so much to see.

05:18Gwen showed me a walking dog and her entire collection of other people's false teeth.

05:23Have you never seen false teeth?

05:25I actually haven't.

05:26Where have you come from?

05:27See, look, there's a set.

05:29Look at that.

05:30False teeth are going to bite you.

05:32Can I put them in my mouth?

05:33No.

05:34Well, they might have bugs.

05:35And while the tour did lose momentum a little at the end...

05:38This is Winston Peters' signature.

05:40It's on a pie bag.

05:42A pie bag signed by her favourite politician, Winston Peters.

05:46Best wishes, Winston Peters.

05:48See?

05:48What a charmer.

05:49I got to meet a star attraction, Blackie.

05:52Come on, Blackie.

05:53Come here.

05:53Please don't be black.

05:55Please.

05:56Please don't be black.

05:56Come here, Blackie.

05:58Sounds a bit off, eh?

05:59Rightio, kid.

06:00Thank God.

06:01Blackie's white.

06:02It's all good.

06:03Now, dance.

06:04Whoa!

06:05I love you.

06:06You want a big kiss.

06:07Blackie just said, I love you.

06:08You want a big kiss.

06:10There you go.

06:11You want a big kiss.

06:12He said, I'm here for the sake of it.

06:14Didn't you hear me?

06:15Did he say?

06:16What's he sick of?

06:17You talking to him.

06:20Gwen claimed that Blackie was sick of it.

06:22But I was having a blast.

06:24And it made me think, maybe Waimate really did have so much to see.

06:28I decided to follow my nose, looking for interesting characters and stories.

06:32So I wandered into town to meet the locals.

06:36Hello.

06:37Nice to meet you.

06:39What's your name?

06:40You guys have come closer.

06:43Come closer.

06:44Come closer.

06:46A bit closer?

06:47I can't.

06:49I love you guys, baby boy.

06:51Be careful.

06:52Who was driving this mad machine?

06:55Not sure.

06:55There's no one, isn't there?

06:56No, but before you were driving, someone was driving.

06:59We've been here for about an hour.

07:01You've been drinking that water.

07:03Yeah, you've been on that water.

07:04F***.

07:05Lay off at me.

07:06Anything you want to say to the people of New Zealand?

07:08I love my neighbours and they all love me.

07:11Oh, that's gorgeous.

07:12Any specific neighbours you want to shout out to?

07:16Phil.

07:18Shout out to Phil.

07:19He's a good guy.

07:20What the f*** am I doing in Waimate?

07:22Oh, good f***ing question.

07:23I can ask you the same thing, man.

07:25Good question.

07:27We're not drinking the water.

07:30Are you guys best mates?

07:31What's your story?

07:32Yeah, f*** it.

07:32This way has gone for the last few weeks since he's joined with me.

07:35Get a job, mate.

07:36Come do some traffic management.

07:38Make sure the cones don't walk away.

07:39How do you guys manage...

07:40Get in the photo.

07:41Get in the photo.

07:41How do you manage the traffic?

07:43F***ing cones.

07:44Are you placing cones or smoking cones?

07:48All right.

07:48But of both.

07:48You got the best laugh ever.

07:53Yeah, brother.

07:53Māori laugh.

07:55I did not know there was Māori people in the South Island.

07:58More than you expect, brother.

08:01I'm having such a nice time in Waimate.

08:03Is there anything I should check out while I'm here?

08:05Um...

08:06No, not really.

08:12Despite there being nothing to do, I was amazed by how friendly everyone was.

08:17I'm Bev.

08:18Nice to meet you, Bev.

08:19I'm Kimberley.

08:20Kimberley, what are you guys up to today?

08:21Uh, we're going to the hospital at the moment.

08:23Oh, my God.

08:24What's going on there?

08:25Well, my husband's just gone up in the ambulance because they're checking that he hasn't had a heart attack, so...

08:32Oh, my God.

08:33It's a fun day.

08:34Well...

08:35I've had five heart attacks, so...

08:38Um, I'm good, so he'll be good.

08:40What's wrong with your heart?

08:41It's shit.

08:43Can I say that?

08:44Yeah, this is the best town.

08:46I love Waimate.

08:47Yeah?

08:48What makes it so awesome?

08:49It's good location for everything.

08:51Is it?

08:51Yeah, halfway in between Dunedin and Christchurch.

08:54I would argue, I would counterpoint, it's not a good location for anything.

08:58Why?

08:58What's it near?

08:59Methvin?

09:00There is lots of other things good.

09:03There was friendly people here.

09:05I mean, there was nosy people, but...

09:07Who's the nosy people?

09:08I can't say.

09:09Can't say.

09:10Because talk gets around.

09:11People talk.

09:12I've talked to a lot of people.

09:14I do a lot of talking.

09:14And you guys are some of the best people I've met.

09:16Yeah, thank you.

09:16And besides going to the hospital today, because your husband's had a heart attack, you're having a great day.

09:20Yeah.

09:20Not every day you wake up is a good day.

09:24Is it?

09:25Yeah, because you're alive.

09:27Yeah, f*** yeah, being alive.

09:29What about your husband?

09:30He might not be alive.

09:31He is.

09:32He is.

09:32I just saw him before they took him up, so he's still alive.

09:36Okay, good, good, good, good, good.

09:37So it's a good day.

09:38And probably cross fingers, he'll still be alive when I get up there.

09:41Yeah, f*** yeah.

09:42Okay, what makes the people here so awesome?

09:45Well, no comment.

09:47Why are you saying no comment?

09:48Because a lot of the people don't like me because when they piss me off, I tell them to their face.

09:56I love you.

09:58Yeah, but anyway, I better get going because...

10:01Why do you need to get going?

10:02To go to the hospital.

10:04Oh, go to the hospital.

10:04Sorry, I forgot about that.

10:05Safe travels and good luck.

10:06Standing in the middle of the road holding traffic so Bev and Kimberly could rush to the hospital.

10:11Can we pick up the pace? We're trying to get to the hospital here.

10:13I felt like I had ascended into television heaven, where I'd probably meet Bev's husband.

10:18But I got a sense that hidden under all the weirdness was other, different weirdness.

10:29I had accidentally stumbled upon a novelty reporter's comedy paradise.

10:34Why mate?

10:35Where the saying is funny as a heart attack actually means something is funny.

10:39This is the upside down, where everyone is positive, even when the news is negative.

10:45People here are really lovely, eh?

10:46Oh, great.

10:47But what makes them so great?

10:48The water.

10:50Everyone keeps on joking about the water and I don't get the joke at all.

10:53People kept talking about water.

10:55What the f*** am I doing in Waimati, eh?

10:57Exactly not drinking the water.

10:58You've been drinking that water.

11:00Yeah, you've been on that water.

11:01What was going on with Waimati's water?

11:04Oh, I've been told you can't drink it, mate.

11:05You can't drink the water.

11:07Where'd you hear this?

11:08Oh, it's just through the grapevines.

11:10Yeah, same as them.

11:13And what's up with the water?

11:15Let's drink a bit.

11:16Why'd you give such a long...

11:17I drink that water at home and at work and it's beautiful.

11:21Why are you saying that?

11:22You're saying that like it's something weird.

11:23We've got the best water in New Zealand, don't we?

11:25Do you?

11:26I think so.

11:27You've won awards for your water.

11:28Yeah, best tasting water.

11:29I'm calling bullshit on that.

11:31You're not supposed to drink it.

11:32Is this a big story around town?

11:34It's been an ongoing issue for a number of years.

11:37Like, we can't drink our water.

11:38We can't cook with it.

11:39We can't brush our teeth.

11:41So this is quite a big deal then.

11:42It's third world.

11:43Do you have any idea what's caused it?

11:46Uh...

11:47Um...

11:48I feel like you know that you're not saying.

11:51I don't know.

11:52I can't...

11:53I can't say.

11:53Are you okay with everything you've said on TV so far?

11:56Well, no.

11:57Um...

11:57I'm scared.

11:59Why was she scared?

12:01And what was she scared of?

12:02The only thing I knew for sure is that there was a lot of confusion.

12:06While some people were terrified to talk about the water,

12:09a local club was singing its praises.

12:11Hey.

12:13A boil water notice is unlucky

12:16But something they will lose one day

12:22So yes, we live in Waimati

12:27Our town water being the best

12:32I was completely confused.

12:35And I had so many questions.

12:37Who are you weird people?

12:39I'm Sylvia.

12:40Did Jesus ever come here?

12:43He is here amongst us now.

12:46Is he behind us?

12:48What is it you love about Waimati?

12:50It's very friendly.

12:52It's got good water.

12:53It does?

12:54The air and the water and the trees and just everything.

12:59I heard a rumour that the water was not good.

13:02Well, that's not right.

13:03Did you?

13:03I come to town, I drink lots of water.

13:06It's really good water.

13:07That's all I drink.

13:08I don't drink tea and coffee unless I'm out.

13:10So you don't drink tea and coffee unless you're out having a party.

13:13Yes.

13:14And then you're cut loose.

13:15Yes.

13:15How did you know all that?

13:16You told me just a minute ago.

13:19Pam was laughing.

13:20But this didn't really feel like a joke.

13:23Our town water's leading the West.

13:27What's going on with Waimate's water?

13:30According to locals, it's been a punchline for decades.

13:33But these urban legends have disguised the fact that now an actual council water supply has been poisoned with nitrates, triggering multiple tap water drinking bans.

13:43But that's just where the confusion starts.

13:45Because just six months later, Waimate was awarded, quote, New Zealand's tastiest water.

13:51Something very weird was going on, and I had to find out more.

13:55So I drove to the University of Canterbury to meet public health expert, Dr. Tim Chambers.

14:01So Waimate's an interesting case where they've had a level of intensification, agricultural intensification, which has led to really high levels of nitrate in the drinking water.

14:11And that's good?

14:12That is not good.

14:13Yeah.

14:14It's an important nutrient that plants use, but when we have too much of it in our system, it can lead to adverse health impacts.

14:20In particular, infant babies, if they have too much nitrate in their drinking water, they sort of suffocate from the inside out.

14:25A really terrible condition.

14:26Sorry, you say a baby suffocating from the inside out.

14:29Yeah, essentially nitrate for young infants can interfere with haemoglobin, which transports oxygen around the body.

14:37And essentially it means that the baby's muscles are suffocating.

14:40Sorry, you're going to have to do this again because you're smiling during that.

14:43Okay.

14:44Yeah, all right.

14:45You're saying babies suffocate from the inside out.

14:48Yeah, and in really, really extreme cases, it can lead to death.

14:52That's the most horrific thing I've ever heard.

14:54That's why we have a drinking water standard.

14:55And what we're worried about are potentially other health impacts that nitrate could be having, a range of different cancers that could be related to.

15:03But there are a lot of unanswered questions along that and also how...

15:08You keep on smiling during this.

15:10I'm just a happy person.

15:11Yeah.

15:11You can't smile, though.

15:13This is like the most horrific shit.

15:14We're talking about cancer.

15:15Yeah.

15:16I mean, it's bad, but I'm just trying to say that if we get to a point in 10 years where we decide actually the evidence is conclusive now, nitrate does cause cancer,

15:24then we're in for a really big problem in New Zealand.

15:26So you're saying, hey, stop drinking water, focus maybe on healthier alternatives, such as milk.

15:33Or maybe just try and limit the number of cows or intensive land use.

15:39Limit the number of cows.

15:40In areas that...

15:41In New Zealand.

15:42Bro, have you seen this country?

15:44Cows is all we've got.

15:45And you're saying cows could be a problem.

15:48I'm saying land use in some areas is a problem.

15:50And I'm saying you're a bad New Zealander.

15:51How do you feel about that?

15:52I'm trying to...

15:54I don't feel good about it.

15:58You're the smiliest guy.

15:59I love it so much.

16:00Here's a good question.

16:02Why are you going...

16:03Yeah, go on.

16:05What was that?

16:06What was...

16:07A good question is, how is it going me blending comedy with science?

16:16It's going.

16:17Would you like me to do more comedy or less comedy?

16:19Well, it is difficult because it's not like a, you know, comedic issue for me.

16:24Tim was clear.

16:25I'd accidentally stumbled onto the story of a lifetime.

16:29Covering something like this would take hard work, dedication and focus.

16:34And I didn't have any of those qualities.

16:36So I returned to Auckland with my puff piece about Gwen's wallabies.

16:39And took the nitrate scandal to the news department to hand it over to an actual journalist.

16:45But when I got to the newsroom, all of the real journalists were gone.

16:51I'd accidentally discovered the story of a lifetime.

16:57But when I took the tip to the newsroom, everyone was gone.

17:02Tēnā tatou kato.

17:03Good evening.

17:03It's the end of the news as we know it.

17:06In a meeting with staff this morning, Three's owners, Warner Brothers Discovery,

17:10confirmed the closure of our news service, News Hub.

17:12Our last bulletin's been inked for Friday, July the 5th,

17:15after which the media landscape will be dramatically different.

17:19While I was in Waimate, News Hub, New Zealand's largest independent TV news service,

17:25closed down without warning.

17:26Then TVNZ, their main rival, announced they were cancelling long-form current affairs.

17:32And NZME followed with job losses of their own.

17:36What's the state of news in New Zealand?

17:38We are in a real existential crisis, really.

17:42Experts have called it desperate times for our democracy.

17:46And now I was doing a parody of something that no longer exists.

17:50This dystopia nightmare was complete just weeks later,

17:53when Radio New Zealand announced that our programme had won the award

17:57for best current affairs show of the year.

18:00What the fuck was going on?

18:03This was bad news for New Zealand, and especially for Waimate,

18:06and helps explain why so many locals seem blissfully unaware

18:10of the crisis that they're facing.

18:13The story haunted me.

18:15I wanted to forget.

18:16I just couldn't get their beautiful, smiling faces out of my mind.

18:22But I could never forget,

18:24because I had to return to Waimate to finish the rest of the Wallaby story.

18:27G'day, I'm Guy.

18:34Hi, I'm Gwen.

18:35And welcome to Waimate's Wonderful Wallaby Park.

18:39Welcome to Waimate's Wonderful Wallaby Park.

18:42Quiet, Blackie.

18:43We're trying to do a video.

18:44This is a place where you can check out all the wonderful wallabies.

18:47You say that.

18:49Yes, I did say that.

18:50Come to Waimate and check out all the wonderful wallabies.

18:54But we don't just have wallabies, we also have...

18:57A signed pie bag by Winston Peters.

19:00And we've got a cute little dog that can stand up on his back feet.

19:02Yeah, that's Amber, a Pomeranian.

19:04We've got a bird.

19:06It's called Blackie, but don't worry, it's not racist.

19:08No, that was his name when I got him.

19:10Well, the bird might be racist.

19:11We don't know about the bird.

19:12He's got weird opinions.

19:13Check out our wonderful wallabies,

19:15including what are some of the names of the wallabies?

19:16No, no, they've got to come to see that.

19:19Then they'll know what their names are.

19:20OK, we're not going to tell you what the names are

19:22unless you come here to see the name.

19:24Yeah, you've got to read it on the gates.

19:25You've got to read the names yourself.

19:27We will not tell you what the names are.

19:29And you've got to speak English.

19:31You've got to speak...

19:31Why are we saying that?

19:33Because overseas people say,

19:36we can't speak English.

19:37Well, that sounds like they're speaking English.

19:39Come on down to Ndinkledoo very corner,

19:42where you can learn about the life cycle of the wallaby.

19:44And they get run over on the road,

19:46and they sell them to the pet food factories.

19:48And the wallabies' important role

19:50in New Zealand's complex ecosystem.

19:52They supposedly decimate the forest.

19:56Do you think they don't decimate the forest?

19:58Oh, yeah, they do a bird.

19:59This is the most wonderful wallaby experience,

20:01and you're going to have a wonderful time

20:03at Waimati's wonderful Wallaby Park.

20:05It's open seven days, 10 to 5,

20:07from the 20th of September through to the 10th of June.

20:10And it was opened on 20th of September,

20:12which is the weekend.

20:12No, no, that's when it's open for the season.

20:16It's open for one day.

20:17No, until the 20th of September

20:19to Queen's birthday weekend.

20:22It's a trick question.

20:23No, people...

20:24The Queen is dead.

20:26Oh, I'll have to take that off.

20:28We'll have to take that off.

20:29Queen's birthday, yeah, that's right.

20:30She did die, didn't she?

20:31Don't look at that.

20:32Don't look at that.

20:33Yeah, put your hand up there.

20:34That's it.

20:35I've never thought about that, you know.

20:39I must get some yellow paint and splosh across there,

20:41because the Queen is dead, isn't she?

20:43Hey, maybe I'm not as silly as you think.

20:45No, not as silly as you look.

20:48And that is when it all made sense.

20:51I'd never pursued my dream of becoming a journalist,

20:55because I was considered silly.

20:57But before I visited Waimate,

20:59I thought a sanctuary for an invasive pest

21:01and a racist bird was silly.

21:03But it was one of the most wonderful places I'd ever been.

21:07If Gwen could live her dream,

21:09then maybe I could too.

21:10Do it.

21:11Don't think about it.

21:12Do it.

21:13Don't sit on your bottom.

21:15Get up and do it.

21:16Almost overnight,

21:17I had gone from the worst journalist in New Zealand

21:19to the only journalist in New Zealand.

21:23And that makes me the best journalist in New Zealand.

21:27Radio New Zealand said so.

21:29So that's why,

21:31over the next six weeks,

21:33I'm going to attempt to uncover the truth

21:35about the water in Waimate

21:37and take on one of the biggest scandals

21:39facing New Zealand today.

21:41Because it's one of the most important issues

21:44for New Zealand's future.

21:46I'm Guy Williams.

21:58And this

22:00is New Zealand Tomorrow.

22:13Next time on New Zealand Tomorrow,

22:15my investigations are met with hostility.

22:18I'm here to investigate the water.

22:20No, I'm not getting in that shit.

22:21Am I going to get bottled tonight?

22:22You might.

22:24And a man named Neil tells me a crazy story.

22:26I came home and got in bed with my tattoos.

22:28Oh my God.

22:29Now I've got an old woman that cooks and cleans

22:31and she's awesome.

22:32Daniel Matthews on for now.

22:33The answer to me is week here.

22:34I'm here to lahir.

22:36No, we're going to get hoody and gehen.

22:41All right.

22:42All right.

22:42I'll be back on that.

22:44I'm here to go.

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