- 2 days ago
A tiny, impoverished European nation declares war on the United States of America, planning to lose in order to collect post-war compensation, but things don't go according to plan.
Full Free Hollywood Film in English with Jean Seberg, Peter Sellers Classic Movie HD 1080p.
Full Free Hollywood Film in English with Jean Seberg, Peter Sellers Classic Movie HD 1080p.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00The End
00:00:30The End
00:01:00The End
00:01:30Ladies and gentlemen, for reasons you will soon understand, the makers of this motion picture ask you not to divulge what you are now about to see to any living person. Thank you.
00:01:46We take you now to the independent duchy of Grand Fenwick, the smallest country on the face of the globe.
00:01:54This tiny but prosperous nation, which occupies a total area of 15 and three quarters square miles, lies high in the French Alps.
00:02:03Somewhere along...
00:02:03I beg your pardon.
00:02:09Somewhere along...
00:02:11Oh yes, here.
00:02:15Grand Fenwick was founded in the year 1430 by Sir Roger Fenwick, a poor but honest British baronet, who, as he later said, took a fancy to the neighbourhood and moved in.
00:02:24Thus, thanks to Sir Roger, Fenwick is the only English-speaking country in Europe.
00:02:30Martin Fenwick is ruled by the Duchess, Gloriana XII, who is a direct descendant of Sir Roger and is beloved by all her subjects.
00:02:43Although still in mourning for her departed consort, Count Leopold of Bosnia-Herzegovina, who disappeared during a tiger hunt 27 years ago, the Duchess takes an active interest in her country's welfare.
00:02:58Fenwick's Parliament.
00:03:00Here is the hereditary Prime Minister, Count Rupert of Mountjoy, a graduate of both Oxford and Cambridge.
00:03:05Fenwick's Forest.
00:03:09Here in these sheltered glades, the welfare of his feathered and furry folk is watched over by Fenwick's hereditary forest ranger, Tully Bascombe.
00:03:27Fenwick's Army.
00:03:29Although Fenwick has been at peace for 500 years, the longbow remains the national weapon.
00:03:34Here the army exercises under the guidance of Tully Bascombe, who is also hereditary Field Marshal and Grand Constable of the Armed Forces.
00:03:43Aim.
00:03:47Fire.
00:03:57If many Fenwickians seem to resemble each other, this may perhaps be ascribed to the influence of the Founder,
00:04:03who was, in every possible way, the father of his country.
00:04:08Fenwick's prosperity is based on its only export, Pinot Grand Fenwick, a small but sturdy local wine with a virile but friendly bouquet.
00:04:17For some obscure reason, the United States has always been the major market for this wine.
00:04:24Thus, secure in its prosperity and invigorated by its high alpine climate, Fenwick has always been a happy country.
00:04:30However, in 1959, a California wine grower bottled an imitation of Pinot Grand Fenwick and called it Pinot Grand Enwick.
00:04:48Backed by a vast advertising campaign and sold at a lower price, this imitation soon drove Pinot Grand Fenwick out of the American market.
00:04:59As a result, in a very short time, the duchy of Grand Fenwick was in a state of absolute crisis.
00:05:05One fateful day...
00:05:07Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
00:05:08Gentlemen!
00:05:09Gentlemen!
00:05:10Gentlemen!
00:05:11Gentlemen!
00:05:12Gentlemen!
00:05:13Gentlemen!
00:05:14Gentlemen!
00:05:15Gentlemen!
00:05:16Gentlemen!
00:05:17Gentlemen!
00:05:18Gentlemen!
00:05:19Gentlemen!
00:05:20Pray silence!
00:05:21Gentlemen!
00:05:22Gentlemen!
00:05:23You made me drop a stitch!
00:05:25Your pardon, Your Grace.
00:05:27But has the Prime Minister never thought of sending a protest to the United States about this Californian fellow and his imitation wine?
00:05:34My dear chap, I have sent not one protest but three.
00:05:37Mind you, the situation is complicated by the fact that we have never officially recognized the United States.
00:05:43So we've had to send all our protests through Monte Carlo.
00:05:46The sad truth is that each of these protests have been ignored until today when I received this.
00:05:53What is it, Bobo?
00:05:54A pamphlet from their Department of Agriculture on how to grow grapes for wine.
00:05:58But if that goes on, we'll be bankrupt!
00:06:00My friend, we are bankrupt.
00:06:02As of today, we are living on petty cash.
00:06:04Good heavens!
00:06:06If only poor Leopold were alive today!
00:06:13Your Grace.
00:06:15Gentlemen!
00:06:17Our situation is indeed desperate.
00:06:19We stand poised on the brink of disaster.
00:06:22There is only one way out.
00:06:24War!
00:06:25We must declare war on the United States.
00:06:28But we could never win such a war!
00:06:31Of course not.
00:06:32But we could win the peace.
00:06:34I've given this a lot of thought, gentlemen, and I'm perfectly positive I am right.
00:06:38You must remember, the Americans are a very strange people.
00:06:42Whereas other countries rarely forgive anything, the Americans forgive everything.
00:06:47There isn't a more profitable undertaking for any country than to declare war on the United States and to be defeated.
00:06:54True.
00:06:55True.
00:06:56No sooner is the aggressor defeated than the Americans pour in food, machinery, clothing, technical aid, and lots and lots of money for the relief of its former enemies.
00:07:04In other words, gentlemen, in effect, we declare war on Monday, we are defeated on Tuesday, and by Friday we will be rehabilitated beyond our wildest dreams.
00:07:14Yes, but is that honest, Bobo?
00:07:17No, not really.
00:07:18But it's terribly practical and infallible too.
00:07:22I give you my word, Your Grace, it will solve all our problems.
00:07:26But we have no army.
00:07:28Oh, pish posh, who needs an army?
00:07:29Twenty men or so would be quite sufficient.
00:07:31Oh.
00:07:32And who's gonna lead them?
00:07:33Tully Bascom, of course.
00:07:34He's our hereditary Field Marshal and Grand Constable.
00:07:36Tully?
00:07:37No, not Tully.
00:07:39He's a very nice boy, but he's never been any good at games.
00:07:44Exactly.
00:07:45You can't send Tully on a mission like this.
00:07:47He's got fallen arches, flat feet, sinus, migraine, claustrophobia and high blood pressure.
00:07:53Apart from being near-sighted and getting dizzy in our places.
00:07:56We are not asking him to climb the Alps, you know.
00:07:59All Tully has to do is to get the men over there.
00:08:02Once they try to land in New York without visas, they will be arrested.
00:08:06And that's all there is to it, really.
00:08:10I don't want anyone hurt.
00:08:12Of course not, Your Grace.
00:08:14I'll tell Tully to be very careful.
00:08:16Besides, we can send Will Buckley with him.
00:08:19Buckley was a sergeant in the British Army in the other war.
00:08:21He can act as interpreter.
00:08:23Well, gentlemen, there's only one way.
00:08:27We have but one choice.
00:08:29Bankruptcy or prosperity.
00:08:32Which will it be?
00:08:33I move we declare war on the United States of America.
00:08:36As leader of the party of the common man,
00:08:39I say that war is reprehensible, barbaric, unforgivable and unthinkable.
00:08:45And I second the motion.
00:08:55Well, we're at war with America.
00:08:58Well done, sir.
00:08:59An historic moment.
00:09:00And a profitable one too, I hope.
00:09:02Will, take this down to the post office and get it into the post immediately.
00:09:07Certainly, sir.
00:09:08Oh, and Will, you'd better put a special delivery stamp on it.
00:09:11At once, sir.
00:09:13My friend, the die is cast.
00:09:14But our cause is just.
00:09:15There is a time and time.
00:09:16To be or not to be?
00:09:17That is the question.
00:09:18Nothing venture, nothing gain.
00:09:19Our country, right or wrong?
00:09:20Right.
00:09:21We'll drink to that.
00:09:22To our glorious defeat.
00:09:23Oh, Tully.
00:09:24Yes, what do you want?
00:09:25Well, sir, it's about this war.
00:09:26I'd sooner not go if you know what I mean.
00:09:27I don't know what you mean, Tully.
00:09:28And I'm surprised at you.
00:09:29You know how badly we need the money.
00:09:30Oh, no, no.
00:09:31Oh, no, no.
00:09:32It's about this war.
00:09:33No, no, no, no.
00:09:34Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:09:35No, no, no, no.
00:09:36No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:09:37No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:09:39Oh, Tully.
00:09:44Yes, what do you want?
00:09:46Well, sir, it's about this war.
00:09:47I'd sooner not go, if you know what I mean.
00:09:50I don't know what you mean, Tully.
00:09:52And I'm surprised at you.
00:09:54You know how badly we need the money.
00:09:56Yes, I know, sir, but I don't like to leave the forest just now.
00:09:59It's the mating season.
00:10:00Tully, this thing is bigger than the mating season.
00:10:04This is your country calling.
00:10:05Yes, yes.
00:10:06Now, run along, Tully, and get your army together.
00:10:09All right, sir.
00:10:10And don't do anything to make the Americans angry with you.
00:10:13I'll be careful, sir.
00:10:14Oh, come, come, Tully, look here.
00:10:16I enjoy every moment of it.
00:10:17It's great sport.
00:10:18Besides, the ocean voyage will do wonders for you.
00:10:21I get seasick, sir.
00:10:23My dear fellow, with their new stabilizers and all that sort of rigmarole,
00:10:27the modern ocean line is as steady as a rowboat.
00:10:29I get seasick in rowboats, sir.
00:10:31Tully, please.
00:10:36Well, there you are.
00:10:44Pretty good turnout.
00:10:45Yes.
00:10:46I shouldn't think they'll want to go well, not with the harvest coming up.
00:10:50I expect I shall have to appeal to their sense of patriotism.
00:10:55Men of Fenwick, do you love your country?
00:10:59Yes.
00:10:59When you hear the name of Grand Fenwick, do your hearts swell with pride?
00:11:03Yes.
00:11:04And if your country calls, will you rush to enlist?
00:11:07No.
00:11:07Oh, I don't think I'm very good at this, Will.
00:11:12Better leave it to me.
00:11:13Yes.
00:11:15Now, men, I want 20 volunteers.
00:11:21All the air, all the big lakes, and the devil, and stand still.
00:11:27Well, men, here is the situation.
00:11:30We're at war.
00:11:31Now, we're going to invade the United States of America.
00:11:35Good luck, mate.
00:11:36Now, if you'll let me explain how this situation...
00:11:38I told you with the harvest coming up, they wouldn't want to go.
00:11:42I give them harvest.
00:11:44Hold it, all the air!
00:11:45Good luck, sir!
00:12:15Men of Grand Fenwick, have no fear.
00:12:32Providence will smile upon you because your cause is just.
00:12:36I know that you will all uphold the honor of your country.
00:12:40And let it cheer your hearts to know that your government has managed the money for your return fair home, if necessary.
00:12:50Bless you all!
00:12:55I do hope the Americans are kind for them.
00:13:11I do hope the Americans are kind for them.
00:13:24They're a fine, fine monument.
00:13:27The best investment this country ever made.
00:13:29Who's got one of them now?
00:13:36Who's got one?
00:13:42Who's got one?
00:13:51Who's got one of them?
00:13:54The End
00:14:24The End
00:14:54The End
00:15:24The United States of America
00:15:25Greetings
00:15:26Act of Aggression
00:15:28He declares
00:15:31State of War exists
00:15:32Between Grand Fenwick
00:15:33And the United States of America
00:15:35Oh, those boys in the press room
00:15:38Always making with the jokes
00:15:40Eight, nine, ten, hold
00:15:52Company dress up
00:15:54Yeah, ten
00:15:55That wheel, big buck
00:15:58There, right, there
00:15:59There, right, there, right
00:16:01There, right, big em up, big em up
00:16:03Keep going, you land lovers
00:16:05There, right, there, right, there, right, there
00:16:09There, right, there, right
00:16:11I think I'll go up on deck, Will
00:16:27You are up on deck
00:16:28Oh
00:16:29Why don't you go below
00:16:32If you feel seasick, Will
00:16:33I'll be all right
00:16:34Well, well
00:16:38Tell the men
00:16:40I think I'd like to be alone
00:16:44I think I'd like to go up on deck
00:16:49There, where they are
00:16:53well
00:16:53I'll be all right
00:16:54Exactly
00:16:56Still
00:16:56I
00:16:57Still
00:16:57I
00:16:58I
00:16:59Still
00:16:59I
00:16:59Well
00:17:01THE END
00:17:31The President of the United States has announced the practice air raid alert, which will affect the entire east coast of the country.
00:17:42Ships will be forbidden entry into any port until the alert is over.
00:17:45When does it start?
00:17:47In less than an hour, sir.
00:17:49New York, completely deserted. That should be quite a sight. It's because of this new bomb they're working on, let's suppose.
00:17:54That's it, sir. The Q-bomb, they call it. They say it'll make the H-bomb look like a firecracker.
00:17:58Hmph. It'll never replace the British Navy, Tompkins.
00:18:02Oh, no, sir.
00:18:09Look, sir! Look, sir! The Queen Elizabeth!
00:18:11Turn about!
00:18:27The port of New York's closed!
00:18:29What are you doing down there?
00:18:32Turn about!
00:18:33The port of New York's closed!
00:18:35Do you hear me? The port's closed!
00:18:38What's the matter with them?
00:18:39Stay away from...
00:18:40Hey! Stop that!
00:18:46What are you playing at?
00:18:48This is dangerous!
00:18:48Stop!
00:18:54But we're at war, Sergeant!
00:18:56Not with everybody!
00:18:57That's funny.
00:19:27I can't see anybody.
00:19:36Looks deserted.
00:19:37Yes, that's what I mean. There doesn't seem to be anyone around we can surrender to.
00:19:45There's nothing moving well, no boats or anything.
00:19:49Is it a Sunday?
00:19:50No, it's Monday.
00:19:51We'd better check with the skipper.
00:19:53Yeah, yeah.
00:19:54There it is, the land of the enemy.
00:19:58It's big.
00:19:59Well, the bigger they are, the harder they fall.
00:20:01Are you crazy?
00:20:02Don't you know we're supposed to lose the war?
00:20:04Well, no one told me.
00:20:06There's 175 million people in the United States.
00:20:09Yeah, but there's only 10 million in New York.
00:20:11We'll outsmart them, that's all.
00:20:19C'est impossible.
00:20:20Where is the health department?
00:20:22Health department, customs, immigration.
00:20:24Yes, we were just wondering the same thing.
00:20:26Ah, but it is very peculiar.
00:20:28Hey, see that big building?
00:20:30Well?
00:20:31Well, I saw it first. It's mine.
00:20:37At the table, at the table!
00:20:39Now then, men, please make sure you've got your passports
00:20:44and health certificates handy.
00:20:46Sir?
00:20:47Well, what is it?
00:20:49The invasion map, sir.
00:20:51Well, you are so glad to see you.
00:20:52Certainly you've got two buildings.
00:20:53Yes, what a big building.
00:20:54Well, I will see you and see you and see you.
00:20:55But I'm going for it again.
00:20:56You are?
00:20:57Yes.
00:20:58You are?
00:20:59Meanwhile, look.
00:21:00I'm going for it again.
00:21:01I'm going for it again.
00:21:02You are so glad.
00:21:03I'm going for it again.
00:21:06I'm not going for it again.
00:21:08You are so glad I'm or not.
00:21:10Oh, my God.
00:21:40Oh, my God.
00:22:10It's getting me down.
00:22:19Why doesn't somebody come and capture us?
00:22:21Where is everybody?
00:22:23Maybe it's a holiday.
00:22:24Why don't they come out and fight?
00:22:36Fight?
00:22:36I know.
00:22:37They've declared New York an open city.
00:22:39I think we should go back to the ship and wait.
00:22:41Wait?
00:22:41Wait for what?
00:22:42Just wait.
00:22:44Oh, come on.
00:22:45Come on.
00:23:14You may have got rusty in the rain.
00:23:26Germ warfare.
00:23:29Since when have there been sticky germs?
00:23:32Chewing gum.
00:23:33Germ warfare.
00:23:33Why don't we storm a building, sir?
00:23:36Just for a start.
00:23:36No, let's keep going.
00:23:37We're sure to find somebody.
00:23:38Come on.
00:23:39Hey, look, sir.
00:23:59That's where they all are.
00:24:04Underground.
00:24:04Cowards.
00:24:06Hey, you down there.
00:24:07Why don't you come up and fight?
00:24:08Don't.
00:24:09You'll make them angry.
00:24:10Here, Marshal.
00:24:11Look at this.
00:24:12It's an air raid drill.
00:24:17Everybody's underground.
00:24:18Maybe we should go underground, too.
00:24:20We can surrender when it's all over.
00:24:22Air raid drill today.
00:24:23The president today announced development of plans for a new bomb infinitely more powerful
00:24:27than the H-bomb and capable of devastating an area of two million square miles.
00:24:31Designed by the noted scientist Dr. Elfrig Kokins of the New York Institute of Advanced Physics.
00:24:38A prototype of the new bomb is expected to be a reality in a matter of weeks.
00:24:42Give me the map.
00:24:43Maybe you were right.
00:24:44Maybe we should wait at the ship.
00:24:46No, no.
00:24:46We must get off the streets now.
00:24:48After all, we are guests here.
00:24:49We don't want to spoil their air raid drill.
00:24:51Ah, yes.
00:24:51There's the arsenal.
00:24:53That's on 64th Street and 5th Avenue.
00:24:55We can cut through this, uh, central park over there.
00:24:58All right, men.
00:24:59All in favor of going over there right away and surrender.
00:25:01Say aye.
00:25:02Aye.
00:25:03You're a fine, disciplined body of men.
00:25:04Let's go.
00:25:06Come on, what are you doing up here anyway?
00:25:08But all I wanted was some cigarettes.
00:25:10Oh, borrow one.
00:25:11Okay, give me one.
00:25:13Here.
00:25:14Thanks.
00:25:14All right, now, come on, get going.
00:25:15And don't let me get you up here again, eh?
00:25:18Good thing this isn't a real air raid.
00:25:20Some people just want to get killed.
00:25:22They just want to get killed.
00:25:25Look at that.
00:25:26Decontamination spot.
00:25:28Boy, that's the job I wanted.
00:25:30No walking.
00:25:31Yeah.
00:25:40Care pin, please?
00:25:41I don't have any, Papa.
00:25:43Well, uh, bobby pin, then.
00:25:50Hmm?
00:25:50So.
00:25:58Finished.
00:25:59That's the warning apparatus in place.
00:26:01You really have to get some food and sleep now, Papa.
00:26:04You've been at it without a break for 48 hours.
00:26:06Yes.
00:26:06Now, I've had a bed put up in the Institute's shelter.
00:26:09Shelter?
00:26:10What shelter?
00:26:11There's a practice air raid alert on.
00:26:13We should have been down there an hour ago.
00:26:14An alert?
00:26:15For why?
00:26:15Because of you, Papa.
00:26:17Because of you and this bomb of yours.
00:26:20Yeah, I see.
00:26:22I wonder what they would think if they knew about my little working model.
00:26:25I think that they would all be very afraid.
00:26:30I'm glad that warning apparatus works.
00:26:32Of course.
00:26:36Come on, Papa.
00:26:37Please.
00:26:37Yes.
00:26:38For how long?
00:26:38It could be some time.
00:26:40They want people to get used to long alerts.
00:26:42Then I will have to remove the detonator to make it harmless.
00:26:44It's very sensitive.
00:26:46It can go off like, like, like, like.
00:26:48Are you sure you haven't got a hairpin?
00:26:51Hey, what's going on here?
00:26:52Why aren't you two in the air raid shelter?
00:26:53What's the big idea?
00:26:54What's the idea of coming into this lab without knocking?
00:26:57Look, sister, this is an alert, so let's be alert.
00:26:59Come on, out, out, out.
00:27:01Look, you'll get out if you know what's good for you.
00:27:03Are you kidding?
00:27:04Now, you two can go peaceable or I can drag you out.
00:27:06So which is it going to be?
00:27:07Hey, what are we doing?
00:27:08Playing games here?
00:27:09Come along, Papa.
00:27:11Don't you know that's Dr. Koukens?
00:27:12Koukens, Smokens, who cares?
00:27:14Come on, let's get going.
00:27:17Wait a minute.
00:27:19Koukens?
00:27:19You mean the fellow with the Q-bomb?
00:27:21That's right.
00:27:22No kidding.
00:27:23No kidding.
00:27:24Hi, Doc.
00:27:26How do you do?
00:27:27Hey, this is it, huh?
00:27:29That's it.
00:27:30But it's a secret.
00:27:32Now, do you mind leaving us alone?
00:27:34My father wants to disconnect it.
00:27:36What?
00:27:36You mean it's connected?
00:27:37It sure is.
00:27:38And what's more, it's on a hair trigger.
00:27:40So please don't slam the door on the way out.
00:27:43Yeah, sure.
00:27:45Okay.
00:27:46See you later, Doc.
00:27:47Yes.
00:27:48Goodbye.
00:27:49Hey.
00:27:50Why isn't he in Oak Ridge with the rest of the scientists?
00:27:53He's eccentric.
00:27:54He likes to work alone.
00:27:55But I thought this thing was only in the planning stage.
00:27:57It was.
00:27:58This is his first working model.
00:28:00He wants to surprise everybody.
00:28:01Great sense of humor.
00:28:03Oh, one more question.
00:28:06Why is it so different from an H-bomb?
00:28:08The H-bomb?
00:28:10Well, this new bomb is based on quodium, which is 100 times more powerful than hydrogen.
00:28:15In fact, my father uses an H-bomb just to trigger this one off.
00:28:19It could probably blow up all of North America.
00:28:21Yeah, and some of South America also.
00:28:24Any more questions?
00:28:25Yeah, where do you have to go to be safe?
00:28:27No, that is a difficult question.
00:28:29Carbon 14, you understand?
00:28:31Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:28:33Hey, that's a dangerous thing you got there.
00:28:35Yes, it is.
00:28:36Let's just hope it'll never be used.
00:28:38That's a nice thought.
00:28:39I feel better already.
00:28:40Now, you really must try to be more careful.
00:28:52Goodbye.
00:28:53Just a minute.
00:28:54You haven't had anything to eat since yesterday, Papa.
00:28:57How about asking this man to bring us some sandwiches?
00:28:59Look, I've got an awful lot of things to do.
00:29:00Oh, now, you wouldn't want my father's hands to shake from hunger, would you?
00:29:04What kind?
00:29:04Cheese?
00:29:05Chopped liver?
00:29:05Chopped liver?
00:29:06Chopped liver.
00:29:07With a pickle, please.
00:29:08With a pickle.
00:29:10Let's go.
00:29:40Now I can't understand it.
00:29:45According to the map, we're supposed to be taking a shortcut.
00:29:48I'm tired.
00:29:49Oh, chin up, Copley.
00:29:50Perhaps when we get to the arsenal, we'll give us a nice cup of tea.
00:29:53Well, someone's left the engine running.
00:29:55Maybe we can get a lift.
00:29:57Yeah.
00:30:06Hey!
00:30:07What's the matter?
00:30:08There's some guys hanging around the truck.
00:30:09Air raid wardens?
00:30:10No, these are funny-looking guys.
00:30:12What do you mean funny-looking?
00:30:13I mean funny-looking, like fish.
00:30:15Who are you kidding?
00:30:16What do you mean like fish?
00:30:17They got scales.
00:30:18Where?
00:30:19All over them.
00:30:20Mulliken, you sick of something?
00:30:29They're from outer space.
00:30:31They're off a flying saucer.
00:30:33Off a Sputnik.
00:30:34Oh, look!
00:30:35They've seen us.
00:30:36Let's get out of here.
00:30:37Men from outer space.
00:30:39They're off a flying saucer.
00:30:40They're off a flying saucer.
00:30:45Raycon, I'm getting out of the suit.
00:30:47Me too.
00:30:48Don't shoot.
00:30:49We'll get into trouble.
00:30:50Hold it.
00:30:51They're not from outer space.
00:30:52They're Americans.
00:30:53They probably belong to this truck.
00:30:55Let's go after them.
00:30:56Tell them we're sorry.
00:30:57No, it's too late.
00:30:58Let's go and surrender
00:30:59before we get in any more trouble.
00:31:00Come on.
00:31:01Now, just a minute.
00:31:02We shouldn't leave this truck
00:31:03with the engine running, should we?
00:31:04We'll turn it in.
00:31:05That'll make them happy.
00:31:06All right, men.
00:31:07Into the truck.
00:31:08We'll ride to the arsenal.
00:31:09Come on.
00:31:12You wait here.
00:31:13I'll get to a phone and call special reports.
00:31:15Yeah, right.
00:31:27Okay, you.
00:31:28Come on.
00:31:29Down the subway.
00:31:30Hey, wait a minute.
00:31:31I'm a decontamination man.
00:31:32Yeah?
00:31:33Where's your uniform?
00:31:34I was there when I was being chased
00:31:35by the men from outer space.
00:31:36I'm waiting for my partner.
00:31:37Come on.
00:31:38You're going to come quietly.
00:31:39Listen.
00:31:40Come on.
00:31:41Come on.
00:31:42Men from Mars.
00:31:43I saw them.
00:31:44Men from Mars.
00:31:45Special reports.
00:31:46Special reports.
00:31:47What's your name and section?
00:31:48O'Hara.
00:31:49Section 4, 300.
00:31:51Subsection 3.
00:31:52Decontamination.
00:31:53Okay.
00:31:54Go ahead.
00:31:55There's a bunch of men
00:31:56from a flying saucer
00:31:57just landed in Central Park.
00:31:58How many?
00:31:5950 or 60.
00:32:0050.
00:32:01Oh, 60 men from a flying saucer
00:32:03say, what is this?
00:32:08Just what I said.
00:32:09I saw them.
00:32:1050 or 60.
00:32:13With metal heads.
00:32:14All covered in some kind of shiny stuff.
00:32:16They fired at us with some kind of a ray gun
00:32:18in Central Park.
00:32:19Listen, bud.
00:32:20You've been told to keep out of saloons, haven't you?
00:32:22The job you're doing is serious.
00:32:24Where are you now?
00:32:25I'm in a grocery store
00:32:26in Columbus Avenue, 69th Street.
00:32:28And I ain't been in any saloon.
00:32:30Well, stay right where you are.
00:32:31I'm gonna send somebody over.
00:32:33Off a flying saucer.
00:32:35300 of them in Central Park.
00:32:37Men from Mars.
00:32:38400 of them in Central Park.
00:32:40They have been invaded from Mars.
00:32:41Thousands of them.
00:32:42Men from Mars.
00:32:43Flying saucers all over the place.
00:32:45Men from Mars with ray guns.
00:32:47Yeah, I know.
00:32:50Right men.
00:32:51Number up.
00:32:5222.
00:32:53Twenty.
00:32:54Twenty.
00:32:55Twenty-one.
00:32:56Twenty-two, sir.
00:32:57All present correct, sir.
00:32:58Good.
00:32:59Now then, lads.
00:33:00Remember, there is nothing wrong
00:33:01in surrendering to overwhelming odds,
00:33:03provided we do it in a military fashion.
00:33:05Yes.
00:33:06Carry on.
00:33:07Right men.
00:33:08Pull in.
00:33:09Smartly.
00:33:10All right, lads.
00:33:11Follow me.
00:33:12Left wheel.
00:33:13Quick run.
00:33:14Hold.
00:33:15Ali.
00:33:16Yes.
00:33:17Look at that.
00:33:18New York Institute of Advanced Physics.
00:33:20That's not the arsenal, is it?
00:33:21No.
00:33:22We're lost again.
00:33:23Yes.
00:33:24All right, men.
00:33:25Back to the truck at the double.
00:33:26All right, men.
00:33:27Back to the truck at the double.
00:33:28All right, men.
00:33:29Back to the truck at the double.
00:33:30All right, men.
00:33:31Back to the truck at the double.
00:33:32All right, men.
00:33:33What?
00:33:34What?
00:33:35Look at that.
00:33:37New York Institute of Advanced Physics.
00:33:40That's not the arsenal, is it?
00:33:42No.
00:33:43We're lost again.
00:33:44Yes.
00:33:45All right, men.
00:33:46Back to the truck at the double.
00:34:00Will!
00:34:03General Snippet, get me.
00:34:04Washington.
00:34:05Yes, Snippet.
00:34:06Oh, and Mr. Secretary, I have to report an emergency situation in New York.
00:34:18There's a rumor going around the city's been invaded by men from Mars, and it's fighting like wildfire.
00:34:24Did you say men from Mars?
00:34:26Yes, sir, in Central Park.
00:34:28Well, how did that rumor begin?
00:34:30Well, a civil defense squad need a turned in a report.
00:34:32Was he drunk?
00:34:33Well, we thought so, but I thought I'd better make a report of it anyway.
00:34:36All right, Snippet.
00:34:37You go out and make a personal inspection of that park and report to me.
00:34:41This kind of nonsense can ruin an exercise designed to protect the largest city of our nation.
00:34:46A city which I don't need to stress has been entrusted to your care.
00:34:51Get me my jeep.
00:34:52We really better not wait any longer, Papa.
00:34:53We have to get down to the shelter.
00:34:54Very well.
00:34:55I am hungry.
00:34:56I'll do the bomb before we go.
00:34:57Well, I don't understand why that warden doesn't come back with the sandwiches.
00:34:58Even with white bread.
00:34:59With no pickle.
00:35:00Oh, thank goodness.
00:35:01Just put the food here with...
00:35:02Oh!
00:35:03Who are you?
00:35:04What do you want?
00:35:05Well, what is it?
00:35:06Um...
00:35:07I'm Tully Bascombe.
00:35:08I'm Tully Bascombe.
00:35:09I'm Tully Bascombe.
00:35:10I'm Tully Bascombe.
00:35:11Hey, Mr. Walter.
00:35:12Very well.
00:35:13I'm hungry.
00:35:14I'll do the bomb before we go.
00:35:15I can't wait a minute.
00:35:16But the warden's back with the sandwiches.
00:35:17Even with white bread.
00:35:18With no pickle.
00:35:19Oh, thank goodness.
00:35:20Just put the food here with...
00:35:22Oh!
00:35:23Who are you?
00:35:24What do you want?
00:35:28What do you want?
00:35:30Well, what is it?
00:35:33Um, I'm Tully Bascom, and this is Will Buckley.
00:35:37Is that Dr. Kokin's?
00:35:39Uh, yes, I am.
00:35:40Oh, how nice. We just took a chance, and here you are.
00:35:43You didn't bring my sandwiches?
00:35:45Sandwiches? Um, no, sir. We've come to capture you.
00:35:49Is this some kind of a joke? What are those uniforms? You're not wardens.
00:35:53No, miss, we're soldiers. I haven't got time to explain now, but we're at war with America.
00:35:57We came over here to surrender, and now I think if we take Dr. Kokin's back with us,
00:36:01we shall be in a much better bargaining position. That is it in brief.
00:36:04They're both crazy.
00:36:06Yes. Phone the police. Call the army.
00:36:09That's no use, sir. Everybody's underground.
00:36:12What's that on the table?
00:36:14It's a coffee percolator.
00:36:15Uh, coffee percolator. Is it?
00:36:18I've never seen an American percolator.
00:36:21What do I push?
00:36:22Don't push anything.
00:36:25I think that's the Q-bomb.
00:36:28Yes.
00:36:30Small, isn't it?
00:36:31It's my portable.
00:36:33Well, well, well.
00:36:34We'd better take it along, too, Tully.
00:36:36Yes, that's a very good idea, Will.
00:36:38Corporal!
00:36:39Well, shall we go, sir?
00:36:40You leave my father alone.
00:36:41Oh, you're his daughter. Oh, you'd better come along as well.
00:36:44Look, I don't think you know what you're doing.
00:36:46No, no violence, please. The bomb. Now, Mr. Grand Marshal, please permit me to dismantle it first.
00:36:52I'm sorry, sir. We haven't time. How do I carry it?
00:36:55Carefully.
00:36:58Mr. Constable, don't stumble. Don't fall, because if you fall, all of America falls with you.
00:37:05I see.
00:37:07I see.
00:37:31Shall we go?
00:37:37Good morning, you men.
00:37:41Please, treat the bomb with great care. Do be careful.
00:37:48Get him in quickly.
00:37:49Come along.
00:37:58Take care for all of you.
00:38:07What is this? What's happening here?
00:38:17What's your name, soldier?
00:38:18I'm General Stafford, you fool. Who are you? What's going on around here? Why are you dressed like this?
00:38:22I'm Field Marshal and Chief Constable Tully Bascom and you're prisoners of war.
00:38:26Field Marshal and Chief Constable of what?
00:38:28The Duchy of Grand Fenwick.
00:38:29All right, Fenwick, you're under arrest. You'll get a hundred years for this.
00:38:32We'll talk about it in Grand Fenwick. You'll be treated with all deference, duty, or rank, General.
00:38:36Uh, take him away, men.
00:38:39A hundred and fifty years!
00:38:42Spread and water!
00:38:46We interrupt this program for an important announcement.
00:38:49Contrary to rumor, there are men from Mars in the city.
00:38:53Do not panic.
00:38:54What did he say? Hey, cut that out! That's my radio.
00:38:56What did he say?
00:38:58Men from Mars in the city. So stay where you are.
00:39:02We have been invaded by men from Mars.
00:39:05Did you hear that?
00:39:06I knew it. I knew it had to come.
00:39:08...from Mars in the city. So stay where you are.
00:39:11Ahoy there!
00:39:24Wall field, Marshal. You went away very long.
00:39:27How did the war with the United States go, eh?
00:39:30We won!
00:39:41Mr. Secretary, sir.
00:39:46Yes, Captain. What is it?
00:39:48It's General Snippet. He's still missing.
00:39:50Oh, that man's an idiot. I'll have his star for this.
00:39:53But they found his Jeep at the New York Institute of Advanced Physics.
00:39:56They...
00:39:59Go on.
00:40:00They say it was shot full of arrows.
00:40:02Arrows?
00:40:03That's the report, sir. They're flying them down from New York.
00:40:06Also, there was a flag.
00:40:07On the arrows?
00:40:08On one of the customs sheds at the docks.
00:40:10What flag is it?
00:40:11Nobody's identified it yet, but they're flying it down too.
00:40:14Also, those, uh...
00:40:16Rumors about men from Mars. They're still spreading.
00:40:19I'm gonna stop this alert.
00:40:20There's something funny going on, and I don't like it.
00:40:25A foreign flag on a customs shed?
00:40:27Yes, sir.
00:40:31Father Gill, you're in charge of pest exchange relations.
00:40:34I think we all realize how important it is to the well-being of any company.
00:40:37To have a helpful, friendly PX.
00:40:40So, uh...
00:40:42Be on your toes.
00:40:43And under the circumstances, gentlemen, I see no reason why we can't let the Americans have our wine at our generous discount.
00:40:49Right.
00:40:50Agreed.
00:40:51Mayberry, first impressions are always the strongest.
00:40:54So be sure and give those smiling, boyish GIs a fine, friendly welcome when they arrive.
00:40:59Of course.
00:41:00And, uh...
00:41:01As soon as we get the money, we simply must get hold of some of those malted milk machines, right?
00:41:05Yes.
00:41:07And not forget about the, uh...
00:41:09Hot dogs.
00:41:10Yeah, yeah.
00:41:11Which, uh...
00:41:12Brings me, gentlemen, to the question of non-fraternization.
00:41:16Now, the Occupational Authority is certain to be very strict in this matter, and naturally, we will want to cooperate in every possible way.
00:41:24I should imagine that non-fraternization will last for approximately, what, 48 hours, then? 48 hours.
00:41:31After which, gentlemen, we will want those lonesome GI boys to feel that this is a real home away from home.
00:41:39I think I've dealt with everything.
00:41:44Are there any questions?
00:41:45No.
00:41:46No.
00:41:47Good.
00:41:48Except, uh...
00:41:49Shouldn't we have heard something by now?
00:41:52My dear fellow, not to worry.
00:41:54Even a complete nincompoop-like Tully can't spoil this war.
00:42:06Come on!
00:42:09Keep moving.
00:42:11I don't want any more exercise.
00:42:12Up and up.
00:42:13Seal master's orders.
00:42:14Move!
00:42:15On the double!
00:42:16On the double!
00:42:31It is worse than sitting on a barrel of gunpowder.
00:42:34Much worse.
00:42:35He won't let you dismantle it.
00:42:37No.
00:42:38I told him it was dangerous.
00:42:39He said he wants it dangerous.
00:42:41He's power crazy.
00:42:42He knows whoever has the bomb has the world by the tail.
00:42:45There is only one way to save us.
00:42:47Now you must persuade him to let me make it harmless.
00:42:49I must persuade him?
00:42:50Why me?
00:42:51He likes you.
00:42:52Well, I don't like him.
00:42:53For America?
00:42:54No, sir.
00:42:55Not me.
00:42:56For mankind?
00:42:57I hate him.
00:42:58That is irrelevant.
00:42:59Not to me.
00:43:00Please.
00:43:01Do it.
00:43:02Is it absolutely necessary, Papa?
00:43:03Absolutely.
00:43:04Sorry.
00:43:05Visiting time's over.
00:43:06Yes, I'm just coming.
00:43:07Absolutely.
00:43:08Okay.
00:43:09Will you please tell the dictator I'd like to see him?
00:43:12Who, ma'am?
00:43:13Baskin.
00:43:14Oh, yes, ma'am.
00:43:15Are you a typical American girl, ma'am?
00:43:16Come on.
00:43:17Come in.
00:43:45You wanted to see me?
00:43:47Yes.
00:43:48As a matter of fact, Mr. Bascom.
00:43:49Mr. Bascom!
00:43:56You wanted to see me?
00:43:57Yes.
00:43:58Is everything all right?
00:44:00Oh, wonderful.
00:44:01Couldn't be better.
00:44:02A two-by-four cabin on a rocky old boat with a deadly bomb ready to explode under the floor.
00:44:08What more could a girl ask?
00:44:10Oh, that's nice.
00:44:11Thanks a lot.
00:44:12Is there something I can do for you?
00:44:14Yes.
00:44:15You could let my father dismantle the bomb.
00:44:17I'm sorry.
00:44:18I couldn't do that.
00:44:19Please.
00:44:20As a personal favorite to me.
00:44:22No, no.
00:44:23I...
00:44:24I couldn't.
00:44:25I knew it wasn't any use talking to you.
00:44:27Go away.
00:44:28All right.
00:44:36I think you're holding me.
00:44:38I am?
00:44:39I am.
00:44:42Is this the way you treat all your prisoners of war?
00:44:45I'm sorry.
00:44:46Oh, I didn't mean to offend you.
00:44:48I hope you're not upset.
00:44:49No, I'm not upset.
00:44:50Do you forgive me?
00:44:52Yes.
00:44:53Can I go now, please?
00:44:55Not just yet.
00:44:56Please.
00:44:57Surely, Mr. Bascom, despite everything, we can still be friends, can't we?
00:45:02Yes.
00:45:03Yes.
00:45:04That's nice.
00:45:05I've always admired strong, silent men like you.
00:45:09You're awfully young and handsome to be a real field marshal and everything.
00:45:14Do you like American girls?
00:45:16I don't know any American girls but you.
00:45:19I like you.
00:45:20That's nice.
00:45:21Would you like to kiss me?
00:45:22I wouldn't mind.
00:45:23You can turn around right now and kiss me if you want to.
00:45:26Really?
00:45:27Really.
00:45:28Oh, my God.
00:45:29Oh, my God.
00:45:30That's nice.
00:45:31That's nice.
00:45:32That's nice.
00:45:33I've always admired strong, silent men like you.
00:45:35You're awfully young and handsome to be a field marshal and everything.
00:45:38Oh.
00:45:39Oh.
00:45:40Oh.
00:45:41Oh.
00:45:42Oh.
00:45:43Oh.
00:45:44Oh.
00:45:49Oh.
00:45:50Oh.
00:45:51Oh.
00:46:02Listen to this, Broadbent.
00:46:04Look out for a pirate ship flying a double-headed eagle.
00:46:08She may attack you.
00:46:09What's that mean?
00:46:10I can't imagine, sir.
00:46:12Oh, a ship on the port bar, sir.
00:46:14Is that so?
00:46:15Well, perhaps she's seen this pirate ship.
00:46:18Hello!
00:46:20Hello!
00:46:21You down there!
00:46:22Have you seen a little...
00:46:23It's a big boat, sir.
00:46:24I've taken care of.
00:46:25The End
00:46:44Fin of the ticket for Grand Fenwick.
00:46:46What's going on, Mr? Can you explain?
00:46:49Is it a ball masquée or a mardi gras à Grand Fenwick?
00:46:53Yes, yes, yes.
00:46:55Mr, Mr, Mr.
00:46:57These men are crazy and we are the prisoners.
00:47:01Help us!
00:47:03Good afternoon, Mrs.
00:47:04Mr.
00:47:05What language do they speak?
00:47:07Help! This is a kidnapping!
00:47:09Inform the United States Embassy that...
00:47:11Take your hands off me!
00:47:13Please, Mr.
00:47:14This man dressed as a soldier, is an American?
00:47:18Yes.
00:47:20An American?
00:47:21Oh, it's a wonderful people with warm hearts, generous, full of good humor.
00:47:25And a young people, but a little timid.
00:47:28And, of course, it's a people that we can count, right?
00:47:31Yes.
00:47:32Goodbye, Mr.
00:47:33Goodbye.
00:47:34Goodbye, Mr.
00:47:35And what was all that about?
00:47:38I don't know.
00:47:39I don't speak French.
00:47:48Hurry, please.
00:47:49I can't keep the President waiting.
00:47:50Don't forget that declaration of war.
00:47:52No, sir.
00:47:53Fine thing.
00:47:54The United States and the Grand Duchy of Fenwick are at war,
00:47:56and it takes the FBI to find out about it.
00:47:59Yes, sir.
00:48:00The declaration was found behind the radiator
00:48:01in that fellow's office in the State Department, wasn't it, sir?
00:48:04Yes, sir.
00:48:05I mean, yes.
00:48:06Anyway, Chester won't like it on the island of Yap.
00:48:08But how am I going to tell the President
00:48:10that we've been successfully invaded by a bunch of 15th century Europeans?
00:48:14Oh, I'm sure you'll find a way, sir.
00:48:16And all over some imitation wine.
00:48:18What I can't understand is why they had to resort to war.
00:48:21There are many ways of settling differences short of war.
00:48:25And we've always been nice to little countries all over the world.
00:48:28Yes, sir.
00:48:29But they did send us some protests, didn't they, sir?
00:48:30And we ignored them.
00:48:31Thanks.
00:48:32But how am I going to break the news to the President
00:48:34that we've lost the war?
00:48:35Lost the war, sir?
00:48:36Just because they landed and took a few hostages
00:48:38and then got away again?
00:48:39Listen, this is top secret.
00:48:41Not only did they capture Dr. Kokins,
00:48:44but they also took his working model of the Q-bomb.
00:48:47The Q-bomb?
00:48:48Well, that means...
00:48:49I'm sure they just about control the world.
00:48:53How am I going to tell that to the President?
00:49:19Well, dear, this is so thrilling.
00:49:20So exciting.
00:49:21Where am I smelling salt, Ada?
00:49:32Hello, Bobo.
00:49:33Hello, Bobo.
00:49:34Hello, Bobo.
00:49:35Hello, Bobo.
00:49:36Hi, Bobo.
00:49:37Oh, Bobo.
00:49:38How are you doing?
00:49:39What are you doing?
00:49:40How are you doing?
00:49:41How are you doing?
00:49:42How are you doing?
00:49:43How are you doing?
00:49:44How are you doing?
00:49:45Hello, Bobo. Happy day.
00:49:55There. You shouldn't have been here by now. Do you remember what that telegram said?
00:50:00Yes, it said arriving approximately 2 p.m. with Americans and wonderful news. Love, Tully.
00:50:06Good, good. I hope they don't bring too many GIs. They know we're a small country, don't they?
00:50:11Oh, of course they do, of course. Anyway, they're very considerate about that sort of thing.
00:50:16They're coming! They're coming! They're coming!
00:50:41They're coming! They're coming!
00:50:47laurels.
00:50:51Jake!
00:50:56elea
00:51:00Come on, come on!
00:51:02Come on!
00:51:04Come on!
00:51:06Come on!
00:51:08Come on!
00:51:10Come on!
00:51:12Come on!
00:51:14Come on!
00:51:16Come on!
00:51:18Come on!
00:51:20Let's go!
00:51:22Let's go!
00:51:24Well, Your Grace, we're home.
00:51:26Actually, there's been a slight change of plan.
00:51:30I know it'll come as a surprise, a pleasant one, I hope,
00:51:32but we sort of won.
00:51:34You sort of what?
00:51:36Well, sir, it's a long story,
00:51:38but we captured the Q-bomb,
00:51:40the most destructive weapon in the world.
00:51:42And we got some prisoners, too.
00:51:44This is Dr. Kirkins, who invented the bomb.
00:51:46This is his daughter, Helen.
00:51:48This is General Snippet,
00:51:50and these are New York policemen.
00:51:52Oh, and this is the bomb.
00:51:54You blithering idiot.
00:51:56Lady, please,
00:51:58if this bomb should explode,
00:52:00it will wipe out most of Europe.
00:52:02I beg of you, let me make it harmless.
00:52:04We can't do that, Your Grace.
00:52:05If they make it harmless,
00:52:06we haven't won anything.
00:52:07Just some prisoners.
00:52:08Oh, dear.
00:52:09This is most terribly complicated, isn't it?
00:52:14Put the bomb away somewhere in the dungeon,
00:52:17and the doctor and Miss, uh,
00:52:19can have the rooms next to mine.
00:52:22Would you like orange or tomato juice
00:52:24with your breakfast?
00:52:25Orange, please.
00:52:26Orange.
00:52:27But, lady,
00:52:28this bomb is not the kind of prisoner
00:52:30you can shut up in a dungeon.
00:52:31It...
00:52:32Listen, everybody.
00:52:33This bomb is stolen property.
00:52:34It belongs to the United States of America.
00:52:36Now, you stop that.
00:52:37We want it fair and square, Your Grace.
00:52:39Give it back, please.
00:52:40If you don't,
00:52:41you'll live in terror for the rest of your lives.
00:52:43Give it back.
00:52:44It's the honest thing to do.
00:52:46It's the wise thing to do.
00:52:48It's...
00:52:49It's the American thing to do.
00:52:51There goes a red-blooded American girl.
00:52:56Your Grace, uh,
00:52:57this is General Snippet.
00:52:58He's a real general.
00:52:59I warn you, madam.
00:53:00I know the Geneva Convention by heart.
00:53:03Oh, how nice.
00:53:04You must recite it to me some evening.
00:53:06I play the harpsichord.
00:53:13All right.
00:53:14Just wait in here.
00:53:15Won't be long.
00:53:16Come on.
00:53:17In here.
00:53:18Come on, sir.
00:53:20Thank you, sir.
00:53:21Take your hands off me if you think you are.
00:53:37Psychological warfare.
00:53:39Brain-washing.
00:53:41Now, remember, men.
00:53:42Only your name, rank, and serial number.
00:53:44What if they torture us?
00:53:45Never mind what they do.
00:53:46Don't talk.
00:53:47Can we scream a little?
00:53:48The first thing we do is form an escape committee.
00:53:50And then...
00:53:51Well, there you are, General.
00:53:53Well, what do you think about our exhibits?
00:53:57I'm disappointed in you, lady.
00:53:59Really?
00:54:00But you'll never get away with it.
00:54:01There are international laws for the treatment of prisoners.
00:54:04You can't torture us, and you can't keep us in this cell, either.
00:54:07My dear General, this is not a cell.
00:54:10This is a museum.
00:54:12We don't do these things anymore.
00:54:15Oh, really?
00:54:17Oh, well, I know it all the time.
00:54:19I'm just testing you fellas.
00:54:21Well, if you're ready, I'll show you to your room.
00:54:25Just a minute.
00:54:26Are the regulation size cells eight by six?
00:54:28I really don't know.
00:54:29I've never measured them.
00:54:31And meals.
00:54:32They've got to be served on standard size tin plates.
00:54:35I don't believe we have any tin plates here, General.
00:54:38Then we refuse to move.
00:54:40Unless you convince me that my men and I will be treated according to the regulations,
00:54:43I'm not budging one inch.
00:54:45Excuse me.
00:54:46I see.
00:54:47Here.
00:54:57Are you sure you won't have something to eat, General?
00:55:00Only if it's served on a tin plate.
00:55:02Very well.
00:55:03Follow me, gentlemen, will you?
00:55:05Men, stand on your rights.
00:55:06I'll show them that they can't foot.
00:55:11Men, where are you?
00:55:12Men!
00:55:13Men!
00:55:14Men!
00:55:15And you?
00:55:16No.
00:55:17I hope the General's okay.
00:55:32Mm-hmm.
00:55:33I showed them.
00:55:34No tin plates, eh?
00:55:35They had tin plates.
00:55:36They had tin plates.
00:55:51Let's see.
00:55:52Huh.
00:55:53I got a tin pledge.
00:56:21Here is the news.
00:56:25The situation seems grave tonight, and lights are burning late in every chancellery on
00:56:30the continent of Europe.
00:56:31More men are under arms than ever before in the history of the world.
00:56:35In Parliament tonight, the Prime Minister said that Britain and Grand Finnic were united
00:56:40not only by ties of language and history, but by blood, and that it was only a matter
00:56:45of pure accident that the tiny duchy was not a member of the Commonwealth.
00:56:49Therefore, Her Majesty's government would do all in its power to protect the integrity
00:56:53of this British outpost across the Channel.
00:56:56There were cheers from both sides of the house.
00:56:59In Paris, the President stated that not only was Finnic historically a part of France,
00:57:04but the interests of these two wine-loving and wine-growing countries were identical,
00:57:09and would be maintained at all costs.
00:57:12There were scenes of excitement in Moscow tonight, where the Premier said that although the Soviet
00:57:17Union had invented a Q-bomb of its own many years ago, the peace-loving workers of the USSR
00:57:22would do everything necessary to prevent the Fennec bomb from falling into the greedy,
00:57:27blood-stained hands of the imperialist, warmongering hyenas.
00:57:32In the United States, the New York Yankees defeated the Milwaukee Braves 6-2 in the final game of the World Series,
00:57:40the American version of football.
00:57:43Meanwhile, there is no word from Grand Finnic, which now seems to control the destiny of the world.
00:57:48The tiny country apparently remains calm, unconcerned, and indeed almost indifferent to the rising tension.
00:58:18Sir.
00:58:35It's from China.
00:58:37It says,
00:58:39If there is anything we can do to help you against the United States, please don't hesitate to ask.
00:58:45Warmest regards.
00:58:47Impossible.
00:58:48No matter what, we simply can't do business with Red China.
00:58:51It's not from Red China. It's from the other one.
00:58:54Well, gentlemen, we're in trouble. Now, what are we going to do about it?
00:59:06I don't know what all the fuss is about, sir.
00:59:08We can take a plane with 40 paratroopers over to that little jerkwater country
00:59:12and get that bomb and this cock and sell before they know what's hit them.
00:59:15Sure, I'm with you.
00:59:16General, it's not quite that simple.
00:59:18Admittedly, we are at war with Grand Fenwick and legally entitled to attack them.
00:59:22But do you want it recorded in history that a nation of our size attacked the smallest country in the world?
00:59:30You know something? We're stuck.
00:59:32We sure are.
00:59:34And now the French have offered eight divisions to protect Fenwick from attack.
00:59:38The British are considering 14.
00:59:40Egypt has offered six and a half interest in the Suez Canal.
00:59:44Now, naturally, they all want to take the bomb home for safekeeping.
00:59:49Argentina, Brazil, France, Germany, Italy.
00:59:52They all want to help us. It's impossible.
00:59:54We fought a war and reaped as the fruits of victory disaster.
00:59:58Well, it was all your idea, Bobo.
01:00:00My idea?
01:00:01My idea was perfectly sound.
01:00:04Only an imbecile could have won this war.
01:00:06And he did.
01:00:07I know, but he... he meant well.
01:00:10And the Russians have offered 20 divisions and have told Fenwick they want an answer within 48 hours.
01:00:15We'll give him 30 divisions.
01:00:17General, you don't seem to appreciate our positions.
01:00:20We're at war with Fenwick.
01:00:22How can we send troops to protect our enemy?
01:00:25You know something? We're stuck.
01:00:28We're stuck.
01:00:29And as a result, we now have this frightful engine of destruction,
01:00:32which of the mere rumbling of a farm cart can destroy us all and the rest of Europe with us.
01:00:36And are we to go to war with the whole world because of it?
01:00:39Oh, I know what our impetuous young friend there will say.
01:00:42Guard our frontiers.
01:00:43I say, let us give America the privilege of guarding its own frontiers.
01:00:46At least they can afford it.
01:00:48Your Grace, we must give them their bomb back immediately.
01:00:51I'm not so sure about that, Bobo.
01:00:54I mean, the Americans are a wonderful people.
01:00:56And perhaps we shouldn't have taken their bomb.
01:00:59Anyway, Bobo, even if we give it back to them,
01:01:01some other country will go and invent a Q-bomb of their own.
01:01:04And then we'll have an X, Y, Z bomb.
01:01:07And someday one of them will go off.
01:01:09Boom!
01:01:10Then what does your Grace suggest?
01:01:12I really don't know.
01:01:14But I think we should wait.
01:01:16Wait?
01:01:17Wait for what?
01:01:19I don't know.
01:01:20Just wait.
01:01:22I see.
01:01:24Well, in that case, I resign.
01:01:28So do I.
01:01:32They're all so sensitive.
01:01:37Well, Tully, I'm afraid you're Prime Minister now.
01:01:40Do try and think of something, won't you?
01:01:43Well, I'll do my best, Your Grace.
01:01:46Yes, a good boy.
01:01:47Good boy.
01:01:49Oh, dear, dear.
01:01:50It's all so confusing.
01:01:53Having the bad conscience of the world in one's own home.
01:01:56It's very difficult.
01:01:59I do wish me a perfect were here.
01:02:02But we won, didn't we?
01:02:11The world isn't the same anymore.
01:02:15Hey, you know something?
01:02:27Make peace with them.
01:02:28That way we can protect them.
01:02:30That's precisely what the President hoped you'd say.
01:02:33But, unfortunately, the Secretary of State is still busy in the Far East, so it's up to me, I'm afraid.
01:02:38So I'll fly over to Fenwick immediately and try to arrange an armistice. Agreed?
01:02:43Agreed.
01:02:45Who is it?
01:02:47May we come in?
01:02:48No.
01:02:49I see you're still angry.
01:02:51I'm still a prisoner.
01:02:52May I say how much we both enjoyed your speech when you first arrived?
01:02:55If you enjoyed it so much, why didn't you let me finish it?
01:02:58Who are you, anyway?
01:02:59A friend, Count Mountjoy, her Grace's chief advisor.
01:03:02This is Mr. Benter, leader of the Loyal Opposition.
01:03:05What do you want?
01:03:07In return, may I ask what you want?
01:03:10I thought I made that clear.
01:03:11I want to get that bomb back to America.
01:03:13And my father and myself with it.
01:03:15And General Snippet, and the policeman as well.
01:03:18Why not?
01:03:20Hey, whose side are you on?
01:03:22The side of sanity.
01:03:23In this case, dear lady, yours.
01:03:25We see nothing more advantageous than your immediate return.
01:03:28to America with the bomb.
01:03:31Do you mean that?
01:03:32Absolutely.
01:03:33We just want to get out of this mess.
01:03:35What have you got in mind?
01:03:36Well, we suggest you take that naughty bomb away.
01:03:40And what is more, we will help you do it.
01:03:43You mean take it back to America?
01:03:45Yes.
01:03:46We shall return for you within the hour.
01:03:48Be prepared to escape.
01:03:49Till then, dear lady, adieu.
01:03:52Oh, you American women are so charming.
01:03:54So very charming.
01:03:56Look, we've only got an hour.
01:03:59Good to see you.
01:04:01Turn, dear lady.
01:04:02How many can he ask?
01:04:03I'll come and give her away.
01:04:04What are we going to do?
01:04:05How many are we going to do?
01:04:06How many can he ask for, how many can he ask for?
01:04:07How many can he ask for?
01:04:08How many can he ask for?
01:04:39Who is it?
01:04:50Well, come in.
01:04:55I'm taking a bath, so wait out there.
01:04:59You're too soon.
01:05:00I didn't expect you for half an hour.
01:05:03You didn't?
01:05:05Who's that?
01:05:06It's me, Tally Bascombe, remember?
01:05:10How could I forget?
01:05:12What do you want?
01:05:13I just wanted to talk to you about being friends, like you said on the boat.
01:05:17That was on the boat.
01:05:18You and I can never be friends.
01:05:20Goodbye.
01:05:21You really mean that?
01:05:23Yes, I do.
01:05:24Get out.
01:05:24You get out of here.
01:05:32You scream.
01:05:33You keep that on.
01:05:34The water was cold.
01:05:35How dare you come in here when I'm stuck in this miserable barrel.
01:05:38That barrel was made by a very old firm of barrel makers.
01:05:41Who cares?
01:05:42A barrel is a barrel.
01:05:43Now you get out.
01:05:44All right, I'll wait out there.
01:05:46Don't wait.
01:05:47Come back tomorrow.
01:05:48No, I'll just wait if you don't mind.
01:05:50Come back.
01:06:20If you wish to see my credentials, I've come here to discuss a very important matter with the Duchess Loriana.
01:06:25Our orders are to admit no one, sir.
01:06:27But this is very important.
01:06:28That's what they all say.
01:06:30I've come here to discuss the surrender terms.
01:06:34Whose?
01:06:37Ours.
01:06:38You'll have to wait here with the others.
01:06:40Guard!
01:06:42Aggressor!
01:06:43We were all told to wait here until given permission to enter by the freedom-loving workers of Grand Fenwick.
01:06:50Oh, yeah, sure.
01:06:52Now, guard!
01:06:56A little caviar, comrade.
01:06:58Never touch it.
01:07:00Well, General, we haven't much time.
01:07:03Yes, but shouldn't we have?
01:07:04Dr. Coke is disconnected first.
01:07:06We can't find him.
01:07:07We looked everywhere.
01:07:08But I...
01:07:08Come now, General, please.
01:07:10General.
01:07:12Well, who's going to carry it?
01:07:43Shall we?
01:07:48O hei, o hei, come little dame, o have fun while ye may, ye may, o way, o way, o way, upon the hay, and have fun while ye may.
01:08:02Look, Bascom, there's no use hanging around.
01:08:04I have nothing to say to you, so for the last time, will you please go?
01:08:09I see.
01:08:10Well, goodbye.
01:08:15Goodbye.
01:08:16And if I never see this antique tourist trap of yours again, I'll be a happy girl.
01:08:20Antique tourist trap?
01:08:21You seem to forget we won the war.
01:08:23It was an accident.
01:08:23You snuck up on us.
01:08:24It was broad daylight.
01:08:25Everybody was underground.
01:08:27Well, anyway, we won.
01:08:28We weren't looking.
01:08:29And we've got your bomb, and there's nothing you can do about that.
01:08:31You stole it.
01:08:31Is stealing part of your primitive culture, too?
01:08:34It's captured booty.
01:08:34It belongs to the United States.
01:08:36And you belong to me.
01:08:38You're my prisoner.
01:08:52Thief?
01:08:52Thief, Thief, Thief, Thief, Thief.
01:09:23Go away.
01:09:24It's me.
01:09:35Are you sure my father's waiting with the others?
01:09:38Would I lie to you?
01:09:39Frankly, yes.
01:09:41I promise you he's waiting with the others.
01:09:42Now, please, please come along.
01:09:45Who is it?
01:09:46It's me again, Tully.
01:09:48You can't come in.
01:09:50Go away.
01:09:50I've just come back to say that I'm sorry and also that I've thought the whole thing over
01:09:56and my problem is that I love you.
01:09:59You do?
01:10:00Yes, and furthermore, Helen, I think you love me.
01:10:04I do?
01:10:05Yes.
01:10:06Can I come in now, Helen?
01:10:07No, no, you just wait there a minute while I think.
01:10:11Well, take your time, then.
01:10:12He said he loved me.
01:10:13Congratulations.
01:10:14I think he means it.
01:10:15Yes, he's an idiot, please.
01:10:16Well, he's silly, but he's nice.
01:10:18Well, write him a letter, then.
01:10:19I think I've always liked him.
01:10:20I'm sorry, my dear, but please let us go now.
01:10:24Where are they?
01:10:27Some transportation you've arranged, I must say.
01:10:30It belongs to the Duchess.
01:10:32I only hope she doesn't find out, that's all.
01:10:34I've got my own worries.
01:10:36Helen?
01:10:46Helen?
01:10:46Helen?
01:10:47Helen?
01:10:47Helen?
01:10:50Where's my father?
01:10:51Yes.
01:10:51Where's her father?
01:10:52I thought you were in it.
01:10:53I knew you were a snake, you snake.
01:10:55My dear girl, there is nothing to worry about.
01:10:57We shall look after your father, I assure you.
01:10:58You just get the bomb home, and he will be perfectly safe.
01:11:01Do not only expect me to leave him,
01:11:03but you don't think we try to escape in this thing
01:11:05without the bomb being dismantled, do you?
01:11:06Little lady, there is no time to argue.
01:11:08Please, girl.
01:11:09Bon voyage.
01:11:15Where do you suppose the doctor is, anyway?
01:11:17Haven't the faintest idea.
01:11:20Helen?
01:11:30My girl and my bomb.
01:11:32Ladies and gentlemen, this is not the end of our film.
01:11:40However, something very much like this
01:11:42could happen at any moment.
01:11:44We just thought we ought to prepare you
01:11:45and more or less put you in the mood.
01:11:50And now back to our story.
01:11:54Fine.
01:11:55I have another throw.
01:11:58One.
01:11:59Six.
01:11:59One, two, three, four, five, six.
01:12:03I bomb Philadelphia.
01:12:05Who owns Philadelphia?
01:12:06I do.
01:12:07Ha!
01:12:08You owe me 500 heavy bombers.
01:12:10Here.
01:12:11Now it's my turn.
01:12:14Four.
01:12:15One, two, three, four.
01:12:17Take a chance.
01:12:20Go to salt mine.
01:12:22Uh-uh.
01:12:23Fortunately, I can pay a fine instead.
01:12:25I get Saudi Arabia.
01:12:30Ha!
01:12:31Not a bad game.
01:12:32I agree.
01:12:33It's called diplomacy.
01:12:34It's my chauffeur's, actually.
01:12:36Jolly good fun, I think.
01:12:37My throw?
01:12:38Yes.
01:12:38Yes.
01:12:38Oh, stop it, you idiot.
01:13:06Stomp it.
01:13:18Fix the car, you idiot.
01:13:21Don't you think you ought to hold this for a while after all it's your father's?
01:13:24Oh, no, not me.
01:13:25I'm only a girl.
01:13:26Oh, no, not me.
01:13:38Hurry up, boys.
01:13:39Gently.
01:13:39Hey.
01:13:55Hey.
01:13:56Hey, Helen!
01:14:09Helen!
01:14:09Helen!
01:14:10Helen!
01:14:10Helen!
01:14:12Helen!
01:14:26Helen!
01:14:53Hey, careful!
01:14:55What's the matter now?
01:14:57Won't make the hell.
01:14:59Well, do something.
01:15:00Get out and push!
01:15:08Now, don't jerk it.
01:15:13Steady.
01:15:16Put some weight behind it.
01:15:23Easy, boys.
01:15:25Go over there!
01:15:27You got to put it!
01:15:29No.
01:15:32No.
01:15:33No.
01:15:34No.
01:15:35No.
01:15:36No.
01:15:37No.
01:15:38No.
01:15:39No.
01:15:40I can't just run into that haystack by Joe
01:16:10Come on, let's get him out of there!
01:16:12General Snippet!
01:16:13Phil, are you all right?
01:16:20Come on, hurry up!
01:16:21General Snippet, are you all right?
01:16:24Oh! What's going on?
01:16:26What's there going?
01:16:28Oh, oh, oh, oh!
01:16:29Get out of here!
01:16:40A ten?
01:16:42No, no, no, no!
01:16:44No, no!
01:16:46No, no!
01:16:48You're all right!
01:16:51I don't know!
01:16:53No!
01:16:54No!
01:16:55No, no!
01:16:57Well, I'm ready.
01:17:27Well, sir, I've never been a Prime Minister before, and, anyway, point one, the California wine must go off the market and we go back to business as usual.
01:17:44Do you want that in the peace treaty?
01:17:46Oh, yes, sir, we want that in the treaty. And we want a million dollars.
01:17:50You mean a billion dollars?
01:17:51No, sir, no, just a million.
01:17:53You can't expect us to give you a measly million. That's less than we spent in Germany and one city alone.
01:17:58Yes, but you see, sir, they lost.
01:18:00Well, I can't promise to get that through. You may have to take a billion.
01:18:03Well, if you could try, sir.
01:18:05You know.
01:18:06And we'd like some of that to be in the form of bathtubs and other plumbing equipment. That's right, Helen, isn't it?
01:18:12Yes, dear.
01:18:13Yes. We're going to be married, sir.
01:18:15Congratulations.
01:18:18Thank you, sir.
01:18:19Now, what about the bomb?
01:18:20Well, the bomb stays here, and Dr. Kokien's, too.
01:18:25We want him to develop a chewing gum with a Pinot-Gran Fenwick flavor, which, naturally, we expect to export to the United States.
01:18:32Well, do you want me to include that in the peace treaty?
01:18:35Absolutely.
01:18:36Oh, yes, that must...
01:18:37Very well.
01:18:38Now, what about the bomb? Surely you realize that you can't keep it indefinitely.
01:18:42Well, sir, we'd like your president, who we admire very much, to try and persuade the United Nations to let the little countries of the world look after the bomb.
01:18:53We want a general disarmament, and we want this League of Little Nations to be in charge of the inspection, to see that it all goes through smoothly, you know?
01:19:01I see. I think.
01:19:04But look, what you're proposing isn't new. Everybody's been crying for disarmament for years, and nothing happened.
01:19:09What are you offering the big nations of the world in return for their arms?
01:19:12Well, sir, we offer them trust.
01:19:14You see, they can't agree on anything because they all suspect each other.
01:19:19I think we all hope things will be better after the last war, but in many ways they're worse, all these bombs and things.
01:19:26Well, do you really believe that the big nations are going to trust a group of small, neutral nations to set up a disarmament policy for them?
01:19:33Do you think they'll agree to that?
01:19:34Well, I hope so, sir, because if they don't, we just have to explode the bomb.
01:19:40But you'd all be blown up, too.
01:19:42You see, Mr. Secretary, if there were to be an atomic war, Fenwick would be destroyed anyway.
01:19:47The way things are, we're just prolonging the agony, aren't we?
01:19:51I see what you mean.
01:19:52Well, America wants nothing more than peace, always has.
01:19:55I'll do my very best, and for all our sakes, I hope you make it.
01:19:59Thank you. It was awfully nice of you to come.
01:20:03You'll be escorted back to the border.
01:20:06Do give my love to your President, will you?
01:20:09And Mrs. Coolidge, too.
01:20:14Your Highness, please, excuse me, this is most important.
01:20:18The bomb has had such a shaking up, I think better I give it a good look.
01:20:21As soon as possible. In fact, now.
01:20:24Yes, I do think Papa's right.
01:20:26Yes, well, do be careful, won't you, Papa?
01:21:24You are a dud.
01:21:42All the time, it was a dud.
01:21:45Remarkable.
01:21:46Congratulations, sir.
01:21:48Papa, I'm proud of you.
01:21:54Only we know.
01:22:17Oh, how's the bomb going on?
01:22:19Never a better one.
01:22:20Oh, fine, fine.
01:22:21All right, carry on.
01:22:24All right.
01:22:26All right, carry on.
01:22:27Oh, great, we got some!
01:22:28All right, carry on.
01:22:29Right.
01:22:30We got some heroes.
01:22:31All right, trazDS.
01:22:32Oh, my God, hold on.
01:22:34Come on.
01:22:35There we go.
01:22:36Frank King.
01:22:37Down.
01:22:38Oh!
01:22:39Give me some licutor.
01:22:40Oh, my God.
01:22:41Go okay.
01:22:42My God!
01:22:43'd love it.
01:22:45There we go.
01:22:46You are very lucky.
01:22:47Give me some sorrows,
01:22:47Pretty.
01:22:48All right.
01:22:50And some stars.
01:22:51sehr.
01:22:52All right.
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