- 4 months ago
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00:00Hello, Terry. Hello, Uncle Simon. What a marvelous surprise. I'm looking for Terrence. Have you seen it? No, but I'm expecting you many minutes. Won't you sit down? No, thank you. Want to see the marvelous things I bought today? I see what you bought today. I bought you something very special. Did you? And Terrence. Oh, and what trade did you use for money? Money? Money?
00:29Oh, Uncle Simon, it is an insult to offer money in any shop today. Don't you know that our entire economy is based on one fiscal policy, charge account? Really? Really. Charge accounts are in, money is out. Indeed. Indeed. Want to see this most marvelous lot and cap? Tim Erickson, you are not going on a cruise. Of course I'm not. Terrence is. He is not. Your brother works in a bank under me.
00:59Way under you. He happens to be the 11th vice president, and you are the president. And he is not going on an ocean cruise. If, if by some strange quirk he were, would you be willing to pay for everything that I bought today?
01:15If you promise not to go shopping again for a month? I promise. Good afternoon, Tammy. Well, hello, Uncle Simon. Why are you dressed up like that? Well, as of 1900 hours tonight, I'm on active duty with the Naval Reserve. You're going on a cruise? Yes, for two weeks. You tricked me. You just forgot.
01:39Good morning, Uncle Simon.
01:45Good morning, brother dear. Good morning, Uncle Simon.
01:55Good morning, brother, dear.
02:06Good morning, Uncle Shami.
02:25Good morning, Uncle Shami.
02:55Good morning, Uncle Shami.
03:25I'll tell you, you have the most marvelous eye.
03:29Since I was a baby, still not a chance.
03:33Would you like a tangerine? They're after a season, you know.
03:36So are beautiful girls on Navy vessels.
03:38A tangerine? I'll even throw in a pomegranate.
03:42Bye.
03:43All right.
03:45Okay, you win.
03:48Bye.
03:49Bye.
03:52Bye.
03:53Bye.
03:55Bye.
03:56Bye.
03:57Bye.
04:12Well now, Commander, where are you heading?
04:15Unless, of course, it's top secret.
04:17Well, when we finish maneuvers, we proceed to Zone D.
04:19Zone D?
04:21Oh, I left my glasses in the car.
04:22I can't see a darn thing.
04:23Here, try these.
04:24Oh, thanks, Bill.
04:26Zone D.
04:27We've been there before, hmm?
04:29Yep.
04:29Simon, I think you'd better go ashore unless you want to get back in the Navy.
04:34Well, don't think I wouldn't love it.
04:36Those were the days, huh?
04:37They were indeed.
04:38I'm sure by that's going to be a big help to you.
04:40Sure, sir.
04:40We're just going on maneuver, Captain.
04:43Oh, well, go ahead.
04:44I'll be right with you.
04:45Ah, thank you.
04:48Ah, sir!
04:51Read it to me.
04:52Terrence!
05:01Hey, Terrence!
05:04Terrence, it's me, the twin sister.
05:07Hey!
05:17Terrence!
05:22All cargo loaded, stand clear, prepare to cast off.
05:30Hold it!
05:30Ah, you've got one passenger, too many!
05:33Can you hear me?
05:35Hello?
05:38All cargo loaded, stand clear, prepare to cast off.
05:46Terrence!
05:50Terrence, where are you?
05:52Uh, Simon?
05:58Is Simon Grimsley here?
06:00My uncle, he just left, sir.
06:01He can't have left.
06:02He has my glasses.
06:03Don't you have another pair, sir?
06:04I lost those last week.
06:06Can't you see without them?
06:07I can't even see your rank.
06:08I've got a car.
06:09I have to have those glasses.
06:10I can't, sir.
06:10Admiral Bates is coming on board.
06:11What, Admiral Bates?
06:12Are you sure?
06:13Yes, sir.
06:14Let's in.
06:14Hut!
06:19Admiral Bates, how delightful to see you.
06:21I'm Bates, that's my driver.
06:23Oh, sorry, sir.
06:24I lost my glasses.
06:26We can get on the way, sir.
06:27Let me show you the recorder, sir.
06:28This way.
06:29Right this way.
06:33Here we are, Admiral.
06:34Well, that's funny.
06:46It seems to be stuck.
06:47I know it was never stuck.
06:48Let me try.
06:51Stand back, gentlemen.
06:55She was an impetuous officer.
06:57Uh, nice of you to let me use your cabin.
06:59Yes, thank you.
07:00I'll still your gear in here, sir.
07:07What's up, Lieutenant?
07:08My sister.
07:09I suddenly remembered I haven't written my sister.
07:11We'll write ahead and do that.
07:12I want to take a shower before dinner.
07:14Oh.
07:15Well, you heard what the Admiral said.
07:17Let's move.
07:18Uh, wrong door, Commander.
07:20Oh.
07:21Oh.
07:22I know, sir.
07:23All right.
07:23Uh, thank you.
07:26We'll see you at dinner, sir.
07:27Yes.
07:27Don't forget to write your sister.
07:29Ah, special delivery.
07:32Oh, we are three little lambs who have gone astray.
07:38Bah, bah, bah.
07:42Poor little sheep who have lost our way.
07:46Bah, bah, bah, bah.
07:52Gentlemen, song stirs up on a street.
07:57We move from here to eternity.
08:03God have mercy on such as we.
08:07Bah, bah, bah.
08:11I hear there's an Admiral on board.
08:21Probably one of them Pentagon guys.
08:24The last warrior had three swivel chairs.
08:25Shout out from under him.
08:27Hey, take it easy.
08:28He's right in there.
08:29Potential?
08:33Carry on.
08:37That's an Admiral?
08:39In high heels?
08:39Yeah.
08:41Say, sir.
08:43Say, sir.
08:44Oh, I don't know.
08:46I don't think we'll locate my glasses yet, sir.
08:47I'm so sorry I can't see a thing.
08:49Oh, I suggest you get a seeing-eye sailor immediately.
08:53Yes, sir.
08:54Like Lieutenant Ward.
08:55Perhaps you could tell me where I could locate the lad.
08:58Oh, well, he should be in his corner, sir.
09:00I'll leave that one.
09:00Yeah, here we are.
09:02Ah, that would be all right, Commander.
09:04I wish to see the lad alone.
09:06Yes, sir.
09:09Fine figure of man.
09:10Tommy, what are you doing?
09:12Shh.
09:13Don't say a word.
09:14The command is out there.
09:15How can I say a word?
09:17This is your Admiral speaking.
09:20Demote me.
09:21That is an order.
09:22Yes.
09:35Hurry up, Tammy.
09:36I am, I am, Irene.
09:37How do you get into these messes?
09:39It isn't easy.
09:41They're all too big for me.
09:42Okay.
09:43Okay, I'm ready.
09:44Come in.
09:52Tammy.
09:53How do I look?
09:54Look, will you please tell me, how did you get into this mess?
10:00Mess?
10:01Terrence.
10:02Terrence, you've done it again.
10:03With that beautiful, fantastic, marvelous banker's mind of yours.
10:07You have hit upon the solution.
10:09I have?
10:10Yeah.
10:10I work in the mess.
10:12I'll help the cook.
10:12I'll be a, a, a, cook as help.
10:14No one.
10:15No one will know all the difference.
10:17Now, Tammy, I know very few sailors whose dimensions are 36, 23.
10:21That's fair enough.
10:22Thank you very much.
10:23Would you please give me a belt?
10:25Oh, I'd love to.
10:30Who's there?
10:31Yes, sir.
10:31I've been looking for you, Admiral.
10:32Oh, no, sir.
10:33Oh, no, no, no, no.
10:34I thought I'd be late with it.
10:35Oh, no, no, not in here.
10:36Who's that?
10:38Charles, sir.
10:39Yes, sir.
10:39Charles Mark, sir.
10:40Reporting at your service.
10:41I'm the cook's helper.
10:42Cook's helper?
10:43Yes, sir.
10:44Yes, sir.
10:44He baked the ship's bread.
10:45I used to bake pretzels, but I gave it up because I got the Benz.
10:51Mark!
10:52What are you doing?
10:53I'm going to bake you some cookies.
10:55Oh, sir.
10:57Is this all right?
10:57I sneaked out the Admiral's uniform to have it pressed for him as a surprise.
11:00Good, thank you.
11:01I'll get it back to his cabin, sir.
11:02No, no, I can do it.
11:03I can do it.
11:04I can do it.
11:04I can do it.
11:05Buddy, do it.
11:05It's almost time for dinner.
11:06Yes, sir.
11:07Yes, sir.
11:07Captain's presence is requested on the bridge immediately.
11:11Radar shows rough weather dead ahead two miles.
11:14I better get up there.
11:22Now what are you going to do?
11:24I can serve dinner?
11:25Oh, swim home.
11:26Either way, it'll be a first.
11:31Serve dinner.
11:31Come in.
11:41It's about time you got here.
11:43Did you remember you invited your uncle for...
11:45Oh.
11:45Yes, uncle remembered, but Tammy forgot.
11:47Not that there's anything new.
11:49Well, I wonder where she went.
11:50Well, maybe she wants to be the first woman on the move.
11:52I'm starved.
11:55What did you spoil tonight?
11:58It's your favorite dinner.
11:59Overcooked beef and undercooked carrots.
12:02And a surprise dessert.
12:04Burnt tapioca pudding?
12:06Well, there goes the surprise.
12:09There's one thing I dislike in a man.
12:11It's the fact that he has to be...
12:12Mrs. Ratched.
12:14Yes?
12:14Sit down and eat.
12:17Yes, sir.
12:18Let's get dinner over quickly so we can get down to business.
12:24How much do you owe me in our weekly gin rummy game?
12:27$300,422.
12:30We'll talk settlement when I win half a million.
12:33Well, here's to Tammy, wherever she is.
12:36I know she'll have a better dinner than we're having.
12:39Mrs. Ratched.
12:43This is absolutely delicious.
12:45Where did you go wrong?
12:57Attention all personnel.
12:59Secure all gear.
13:01Repeat.
13:02Secure all gear.
13:05Attention all personnel.
13:07Secure all gear.
13:09Repeat.
13:10Secure all gear.
13:22No, please.
13:23Oh, Tammy, let's give ourselves up.
13:26I'm all right.
13:27Tammy, please.
13:29If you just leave me alone, I was doing just fine.
13:31And the only thing I spilt was the salt.
13:34It's good luck.
13:34No, dude, that means bad luck.
13:36Unless you throw some over your shoulder.
13:38Why do you need to say that?
13:40Oh.
13:41What is it?
13:42Oh, it's a...
13:43What?
13:44Salt, sir.
13:46Salt.
13:46Yes, sir.
13:46Salt.
13:47Yes, sir.
13:48So it is.
13:48Good Navy's salt.
13:50Carry on.
13:54Go serve.
13:55Bye.
13:56Bye.
13:56Bye.
13:56Bye.
13:58Bye.
13:58Bye.
13:59Bye.
13:59Bye.
14:00Bye.
14:00Bye.
14:00Bye.
14:00Bye.
14:00Bye.
14:00Bye.
14:00Bye.
14:01Bye.
14:02Bye.
14:02Bye.
14:02Bye.
14:03Bye.
14:04Bye.
14:04Bye.
14:04Bye.
14:05Bye.
14:06Please, sir.
14:06Bye, Lieutenant Ward.
14:08Yes, sir.
14:08Up to now, sir.
14:09I want you to remember when the Admiral tells those long, drawn-out war stories of
14:13his, you are to smile.
14:15Yes, sir.
14:15I'll try, sir, but it's not going to be easy.
14:17No matter how dull they are.
14:23There was an enemy sub somewhere in the area, but we couldn't see a thing.
14:31Waves must have been 20 feet high.
14:34And it was rough.
14:36All for a rough say.
14:38I'm afraid that's what you're going to have, sir.
14:40There we were, buffeted by tremendous waves.
14:43Enemy submarine waiting to torpedo us.
14:46Suspenseful?
14:48It certainly is, sir.
14:51With two speeds, ten knots.
14:53All hands topside for wearing life jackets.
14:56Then we heard a tremendous crash.
15:02I can certainly tell a vivid story, sir.
15:04I can swear I heard a crash.
15:05It was a crash.
15:06Go see what it was.
15:07Yes, sir.
15:09There's nothing out here, sir.
15:28Air visibility was reduced to 500 feet.
15:30The bottom row again.
15:32We were really in a spot.
15:34Heavy seas had taken their toll of senior officers and I was in charge.
15:39Lieutenant, like yourself.
15:41Ward, you weren't listening.
15:43Oh, yes I was, sir.
15:45Well, I guess I wasn't.
15:47Where was I?
15:48You were in complete charge, sir.
15:50Yes, sir, sir.
15:51As soon as I get it, sir.
15:55You know, I can swear I saw that mess boy come in with a tray full of food.
16:00Oh, no, sir, he just came in to see if we were all here.
16:11This is the O.D. Secure from rough weather stations.
16:14Repeat.
16:15Secure from rough weather stations.
16:17Set an immediate look-out.
16:19Heavy fog bank dead ahead.
16:21Excuse me, sir.
16:22Come on in now.
16:23We're good.
16:24And we saw it.
16:25Dead ahead with the periscope of that south.
16:27Our communications were out.
16:29The radar was on the plane.
16:30The gentleman that looked like we'd had it.
16:32Oh, it certainly does.
16:34There she was.
16:35Enemy subbed 300 yards off our port now.
16:38300 yards?
16:40100 yards.
16:41I was below decks at the time.
16:43But when the word came through, I was up like a sh...
16:49What's your name, sailor?
16:51Clumsy.
16:52Seaman Clumsy, sir.
16:53First class.
16:54Don't show me.
16:55I know where the brig is.
16:56Do you want me to go after that meth boy, sir?
17:01Yeah, I do indeed.
17:02Follow that.
17:03I want a personal explanation why he served dinner three times without serving dinner.
17:07And with his hat on.
17:08Ah, yes, sir.
17:09You may need help.
17:10Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
17:11I've finished my story.
17:13There she was.
17:15300 yards off our port.
17:17100 yards, sir.
17:19At 100 yards.
17:20Tammy?
17:21Tammy?
17:22Tammy, it's me.
17:23Terrence.
17:24I know you're here.
17:25Tammy!
17:26She's not here.
17:27She's sat overboard and down.
17:28And where is your hat?
17:29My hat, the wind got it.
17:30Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
17:34Tammy, it's me.
17:35Terrence.
17:36I know you're here.
17:38Tammy!
17:39She's not here.
17:40She sat overboard and down.
17:43Where is your hat?
17:45My hat, the wind got it.
17:46Oh, no, look, promise me you'll stay in there until I figure out what to do.
17:51I, I promise.
17:53I'm due on the bridge.
17:55Oh, and Tammy, please don't sink the ship and me.
17:59I am hungry.
18:01I don't understand what could have happened to that reserve lieutenant.
18:13Neither do I.
18:14You should have caught that nest boy by now.
18:20You see what I see?
18:21You know I can't.
18:25That's a woman.
18:26A woman?
18:27You sure?
18:28Of course I'm sure.
18:29I'm not that old.
18:31Well, it isn't woman.
18:32Where is your woman?
18:33Come out from there.
18:53Oh, come out of there!
18:58Oh, my God.
19:28Oh, my God.
19:58Oh, my God.
20:28Oh, my God.
20:58Oh, my God.
21:28Oh, my God.
21:30Oh, my God.
21:34Oh, my God.
21:36Oh, my God.
21:38Oh, my God.
21:40Oh, my God.
21:42Oh, my God.
21:44Oh, my God.
21:46Oh, my God.
21:50Oh, my God.
21:52Oh, my God.
21:54Oh, my God.
21:58Oh, my God.
22:00Oh, my God.
22:04Oh, my God.
22:06Well, I must say, I've heard everything.
22:11Now, the Bureau of Missing Persons can't even find the file on Tammy.
22:14Mrs. Ratchett, I'm really getting worried about her.
22:16Well, it's only been two weeks, Mr. Grimsley.
22:19Well, that breaks her old record by 36 hours.
22:24Yes?
22:27Send him in immediately.
22:29It's the United States Navy.
22:33Mr. Grimsley?
22:34Yes, sir, what can I do for you?
22:35I have a bottle for you, sir.
22:37A bottle?
22:38Yes, a Coast Guard vessel picked it up in the harbor this morning.
22:40It's addressed to you.
22:42What's this?
22:46Well, it's from Tammy.
22:48Join the Navy.
22:50I'm joining Thursday morning at 1100 hours.
22:53Meet me Navy, our Doc 8, love, Tammy.
22:56Well, Miss Ward, I will say that I have been on many shakedown cruises, but never before
23:07have I seen anything like this.
23:09I didn't really see very much of it at all.
23:12I'm sorry.
23:13I know I caused a lot of trouble.
23:15Trouble?
23:15Well, because of you, I'm being recommended for promotion.
23:18You are?
23:19Yes, indeed.
23:20Commander Martin!
23:21Oh!
23:22There's Uncle Simon!
23:23Oh, okay.
23:24That's my Simon.
23:25Oh, I...
23:25I...
23:26I'd like you to meet my Uncle Simon, ex-Navid.
23:29How do you do?
23:30Nice to see you, sir.
23:31After what I did to the commander, I should be court-martialed for taking your glasses,
23:36Bill.
23:36Oh, that's perfectly all right.
23:37Oh, my...
23:38Oh!
23:40Oh!
23:41Oh!
23:43Oh!
23:44Uncle Simon, how could you?
23:45Would you please hold me?
23:47You don't mind, do you?
23:49Thank you, girl.
23:52How's that?
23:53Oh, oh!
23:53You're a very pretty girl, yeah?
23:59What do I do next?
24:01Go to Vegas, get kidnapped, and watch.
24:05You're being held for ransom.
24:06Fifty grand.
24:08No!
24:09No!
24:09No!
24:10You know something?
24:10This is the best breakfast I ever ate.
24:13Me, too.
24:14I'm delighted to hear that.
24:15Because in five more minutes, you'll all be dead.
24:19Ladies, I didn't see you put any money in those slot machines.
24:23What?
24:23Lose?
24:25I want to...
24:25Anybody in the house for a dollar and a half?
24:28Stop this man!
24:29It's working Argentina!
24:31See you next week.
24:32I hope.
24:34The Tabby Drive Show has been brought to you by...
24:39Bristol Myers, the makers of Resolve, the super seltzer for our super times.
24:47Mr.
24:48The End
25:18The End
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