- 6 months ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:02CastingWords
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00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm a silent majority.
00:01:22It's only manners these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26Jesus! God is Lord!
00:01:30Jesus!
00:01:56We've never seen him in real life, though.
00:01:58And he's picturing the papers.
00:02:00Oh, come on, Sandra, let's go.
00:02:02No, I don't want to. I want to wait.
00:02:04Oh, Neil, that's standing out here. It's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:07Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:09But that was yesterday. He might be here today.
00:02:11Oh, no. That little birdie dust standing here.
00:02:13Come on.
00:02:14Come on. You're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16Oh, wait. Please, let's go.
00:02:21Oh, no.
00:02:23I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:24But I feel a right twit now.
00:02:27I don't fancy yours.
00:02:29Which is mine?
00:02:31Any, except the blonde.
00:02:33Oh, good.
00:02:36Who are being stared at? Where?
00:02:41I don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:46Any.
00:02:47Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:51Thanks. Neither do I.
00:02:55Fancy the one with the twitch?
00:02:59About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad, with all due respect.
00:03:03To his granddad.
00:03:05Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:07You.
00:03:09I thought we were giving sex up. There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:13Ignore them.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:25Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:32Peace, ma'am.
00:03:33Were you, er, hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:36He's in Majorca.
00:03:39Come on, then.
00:03:40May only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:43It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:52Come on.
00:03:54I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:58It's our lunch hour.
00:04:01It's ours.
00:04:02We were going for lunch.
00:04:08Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Majorca?
00:04:11It's one place I've never been.
00:04:14Pardon?
00:04:17I'm, er, Geoffrey.
00:04:19I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:24I'm surprised.
00:04:41Don't you worry.
00:04:44Love and rainy weather may sound funny.
00:04:49But they go together fine
00:04:53Every single time
00:04:59First you're up there
00:05:04On another plane
00:05:06And then you're nowhere
00:05:08And the tears are raining down
00:05:13It's a runaround
00:05:19Love and rainy weather
00:05:24Sure can get you down
00:05:31Going twisting tonight, then?
00:05:37That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40What? Cutting a rug.
00:05:43Pardon?
00:05:45Grooving, Mildred. It's called grooving nowadays.
00:05:48Grooving and or freaking.
00:05:50Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight?
00:05:52Right.
00:05:53Right on.
00:05:55You're staying in tonight, then?
00:05:57Tonight?
00:05:58Tomorrow night?
00:05:59Every night.
00:06:00You might sell me overcoat.
00:06:03Life's not all pleasure, you know.
00:06:05Mildred, don't hassle the lad.
00:06:08Hassle.
00:06:10It's a different world today, Mildred.
00:06:13We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost.
00:06:17They do their own thing.
00:06:19The usual 1,300 weight?
00:06:22Now that's the new world that we work for.
00:06:26And fought for.
00:06:28Full page advert for contraception.
00:06:30It's his birthright.
00:06:34I'm not hungry.
00:06:36What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:38It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.
00:06:41I enjoy staying in Chattingham an evening.
00:07:01I find it fantastically enjoyable.
00:07:05No, really.
00:07:07I really do.
00:07:08Some people don't.
00:07:12I do.
00:07:13Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:07:15Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.
00:07:19Paul McCartney who?
00:07:20He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:23And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:07:26I sacrificed too much for your six-o levels.
00:07:29Five.
00:07:30You were terrific in the pictures.
00:07:32I never touched you.
00:07:34Terrific self-control.
00:07:40What did you say your name was?
00:07:42Mind you, just a weekend I'd do with you, Paul.
00:07:44Not a dirty weekend.
00:07:46A disgusting one.
00:07:48Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:07:54Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:07:56Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:08:00Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:02It's not my fault.
00:08:06It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:12It's psychosomatic.
00:08:13I'm sorry.
00:08:14It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:18It's psychosomatic.
00:08:19I'm sorry.
00:08:20I'm sorry.
00:08:21Ah.
00:08:22Ah.
00:08:23Ah.
00:08:24Ah.
00:08:25Ah.
00:08:26Ah.
00:08:27Ah.
00:08:28Ah.
00:08:29Ah.
00:08:30Ah.
00:08:31Ah.
00:08:32Ah.
00:08:33Ah.
00:08:34It's psychosomatic.
00:08:40I'm sorry.
00:08:45Ah.
00:09:02Sandra.
00:09:05There is almost blonde in this light.
00:09:11What's wrong?
00:09:13Just being brave.
00:09:15What about?
00:09:17Ending it all.
00:09:19Before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:22It's our first date.
00:09:25I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:30Not yet.
00:09:32Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:37Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:40Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went overnight.
00:09:45That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:48It's artistic mother.
00:09:50Like your Tutankhamen butter dish.
00:09:54What?
00:09:55Got it.
00:09:56Got what?
00:09:57You now ask if I never want to see you again. I say I do.
00:10:09You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:10:13How about Sunday half seven outside Central Library?
00:10:16No I don't.
00:10:18Tomorrow half seven outside Central Library.
00:10:22Then when I say okay does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:26It does not.
00:10:28I thought it did.
00:10:30Not till you've unfastened the press stud.
00:10:32I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning.
00:10:38You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.
00:10:40I don't intend to marry her mother.
00:10:42In case it interferes with my career.
00:10:45We're just good friends.
00:10:47Good night.
00:11:02Miss Bardot.
00:11:05Marry me.
00:11:09You know what they say?
00:11:11Once you've had a Manchester lad you never touch anything else.
00:11:14Marry me!
00:11:15Marry me!
00:11:16Marry me!
00:11:17Marry me!
00:11:18Marry me!
00:11:19Marry me!
00:11:20Marry me!
00:11:21Marry me!
00:11:22Marry me!
00:11:23Marry me!
00:11:24Marry me!
00:11:25Marry me!
00:11:26Marry me!
00:11:27Marry me!
00:11:28Marry me!
00:11:29About time and all.
00:11:30Aye.
00:11:31Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:33Peace, man.
00:11:34Marry me!
00:11:35Marry me!
00:11:36Did you have a good time this night?
00:11:37Great.
00:11:38Is it you?
00:11:39Satisfied.
00:11:40I said in for a change.
00:11:41change. Did you get much? Did you? Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a
00:11:53capital offence? Not that I have done. Paid him for a change instead.
00:12:11Ticket? I ain't got me ticket. We're late already. See you behind the goal then.
00:12:26I ain't. I ain't. I ain't. I ain't. I ain't. I ain't. I ain't. I ain't.
00:12:39Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her. Snooty old bag.
00:12:49Trendy. Crimson shoes with bottle green socks. Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:55Still, who else would have him? Anyway, they're all the same in the dark. Rumor has it.
00:13:10Different girl every night. You can tell the type. Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:13:17I bet we lose 3-1. Well, I'm certainly not making the first move. At least I've got me proud.
00:13:24Oh, hello. Oh, hi. Hi. Didn't see you. No, Normie.
00:13:32You going that way? Yeah. Not specially, no. You going that?
00:13:39Yeah. Well, erm, no. I was sort of, erm... Going to the football match?
00:13:45Are you? Shopping.
00:13:53I'm probably going to the pictures tonight. I am. Which? Which are you? Any. I am.
00:13:58See you, then. Tonight? Pardon? Oh, erm...
00:14:10All right, then. Right.
00:14:13Super socks.
00:14:24Did you see that? They're all on drugs. A lot of them.
00:14:28Do you see that?
00:14:45Cool.
00:14:47Losing. 3-1.
00:14:49Excuse me, I...
00:15:19I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:25Ah.
00:15:28Hi.
00:15:30Hello, mate.
00:15:32Peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:35Surprise.
00:15:36Been anywhere controversial?
00:15:38Pictures.
00:15:39Boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:44Are you and Beryl, um, you know?
00:15:51You know.
00:15:53Oh.
00:15:58Would you, uh...
00:16:04What do you sort of reckon?
00:16:06She's a...
00:16:08Fair sort of bird.
00:16:10Sort of.
00:16:11She's all right.
00:16:13I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:17Geoffrey, she's a bird.
00:16:20You're having a coffee with us?
00:16:21No thanks, kid.
00:16:22Neville's ravenous.
00:16:23You've just eaten.
00:16:24Oh, of course.
00:16:25Yeah.
00:16:26Sorry.
00:16:27You see, what I thought Kidd was always trying to do...
00:16:29By implication.
00:16:30Probably by implication.
00:16:31Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgement.
00:16:33You see?
00:16:34Yes.
00:16:35Was he the errand boy?
00:16:36Was he the errand boy?
00:16:37Was who the errand boy?
00:16:38Ken Thingy.
00:16:39He directed it.
00:16:40Oh, yes.
00:16:41I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:16:42Probably.
00:16:43Probably.
00:16:44I was thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:16:45Probably.
00:16:46I was thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:16:47Probably.
00:16:48young Danson.
00:17:03You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:06Well, I'm a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:08It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:10And you talked to me the whole way like a person in a Kabul,
00:17:15And you talk to me the whole way, like a person.
00:17:21Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:24Sex? Marriage.
00:17:27Pardon?
00:17:28The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:31A couple of dates and pal they want to get married.
00:17:34I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:36I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:40Get married?
00:17:41Hmm.
00:17:43No.
00:17:45Actually, I find girls, most girls, a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:53Not marriage.
00:17:55No. Sex.
00:17:58Percy Filth?
00:18:02Sex.
00:18:03That's what I said.
00:18:05Oh.
00:18:06Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:08Not Percy Filth motivated?
00:18:10No.
00:18:12No.
00:18:14Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell?
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:32No.
00:18:33No.
00:18:34No.
00:18:35No.
00:18:36No.
00:18:37No.
00:18:38No.
00:18:39No.
00:18:40No.
00:18:44No.
00:18:45No.
00:18:46No.
00:18:47No.
00:18:49No.
00:18:50I won't come in, with it being our first date. No.
00:18:55Oh. Anywhere my mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:18:59Is that a reason for me not coming in, though? Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:03Oh.
00:19:12Nice house. Thank you.
00:19:1525-year mortgage.
00:19:20Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:25Funny, isn't it?
00:19:28First date with someone.
00:19:31It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:34Either nothing...
00:19:36or something...
00:19:40or everything.
00:19:42Well, don't think about Percy Filth at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:46You're not.
00:19:48No, I'm not.
00:19:51Night-night. God bless.
00:19:53I won't give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:08What is it?
00:20:09Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:11The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,
00:20:15then two fours, and half of four, which is two, and half of two, which is one.
00:20:18Um...
00:20:19But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:21No.
00:20:22But you can if you do.
00:20:23Do you want me to?
00:20:24Not if you'd rather not.
00:20:26Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:28Good night.
00:20:29Good night.
00:20:30Good night.
00:20:31Good night.
00:20:32Good night.
00:20:34Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:21:04Oh, they all have a past life flashed before me then.
00:21:11Can't be Mother's Day. You'd have forgotten.
00:21:15Has there been any clips?
00:21:17Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:22What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:24You see, Geoffrey has this theory that by implication...
00:21:27Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:28Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:31These things. Everything.
00:21:33Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:35He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:37See, Geoffrey's idea...
00:21:39Beryl, who's Geoffrey?
00:21:41Oh, no-one.
00:21:44No-one special.
00:21:49His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:54How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night then?
00:21:58What Beryl Bird?
00:21:59I told him.
00:22:00Did she, er...
00:22:01Does she, er...
00:22:02What?
00:22:03Wow!
00:22:04She doesn't then.
00:22:05You don't listen, do you?
00:22:06I said...
00:22:07How about Sandra?
00:22:09Chips.
00:22:10Not seeing him tonight then.
00:22:11Not seeing him tonight then.
00:22:12Who?
00:22:13Who?
00:22:14Who?
00:22:15Who?
00:22:16I'd rather better think of him.
00:22:17things to do, thank you.
00:22:18I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:20I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:22Oh well.
00:22:46He said he was no-one special.
00:22:48Have they got a phone here?
00:22:50Why?
00:22:52They haven't, have they?
00:22:54Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:22:56If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:22:58Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:00Are you?
00:23:02We'll split after this game.
00:23:04I don't know.
00:23:06I don't know.
00:23:08I don't know.
00:23:10I don't know.
00:23:12I don't know.
00:23:14I don't know.
00:23:16We'll split after this game.
00:23:18Anything you say.
00:23:20And go for a few of the King's Ed.
00:23:22Great.
00:23:24And that ends our probe.
00:23:26Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:28Hallelujah.
00:23:30Pardon?
00:23:32I don't know what you're paying for that phone,
00:23:34but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:36Goodnight.
00:23:44Good morning.
00:23:46Morning.
00:23:48Good morning.
00:23:50Chalton for Pope. Long may you reign.
00:23:56Amen.
00:23:58What's going on?
00:24:00Pound's up again.
00:24:02Oh, God.
00:24:04Today's special. bloody
00:24:18travellers, Jax.
00:24:20Yeah.
00:24:21Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:22Except those.
00:24:24Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:26So does.
00:24:28Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:46Why do we always do that?
00:24:4893 times a day?
00:24:50We never see anything.
00:24:56Let's go.
00:25:06We were warm just as the sun was rising.
00:25:11I heard a maiden singing in the valley.
00:25:16My timing not disturbing your singing, I hope.
00:25:19See Geoffrey on Sunday.
00:25:22Oh, Geoffrey.
00:25:24That Neville's the greatest.
00:25:29Is he dishy or is he dishy?
00:25:35I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:39One date was enough.
00:25:41Why?
00:25:43He's cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:45Is that bad?
00:25:46Oh, plus.
00:25:49Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:26:01Five. Five. Which is... Which is...
00:26:04Three and two is five. Which is two less than seven.
00:26:08Which is...
00:26:10Which is...
00:26:12I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:16Bank clocks.
00:26:18Your lot?
00:26:20Football supporters.
00:26:22Hippies.
00:26:23Oh.
00:26:24My lot.
00:26:26At the third stroke, it will be 7.22 and 40 seconds.
00:26:36It will be 7.22 and 50 seconds.
00:26:40That's it then.
00:26:42Fate.
00:26:43All over by 7.23 precisely.
00:26:48So what?
00:26:50Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:52PHONE RINGS
00:26:55Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:57Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:59Is that Beryl?
00:27:01Yes.
00:27:02Hi.
00:27:04Hi.
00:27:23It's terrifically exciting, isn't it? Getting to know a person.
00:27:27Fantastic.
00:27:32I want to know all about you.
00:27:35That's what it's all about.
00:27:39For example, with things in common already.
00:27:42Definitely.
00:27:45About what?
00:27:49We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:52Right.
00:27:54And we're both from Manchester.
00:28:00Have you ever been abroad?
00:28:02No.
00:28:04Have you?
00:28:05No.
00:28:07Unless you count Istanbul.
00:28:09Istanbul?
00:28:10Was it beyond belief?
00:28:12I don't know. I was only three.
00:28:19Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:22Sometimes.
00:28:24I do.
00:28:26What now?
00:28:28No.
00:28:30Just...
00:28:31Just sometimes.
00:28:35Yes, I do.
00:28:38Such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:41In getting to know a person.
00:28:43Hmm.
00:28:44Hmm.
00:28:46He was lithe and easy-limbed, his stride quietly casual, his eyes clear and confident, and his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:04You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin. Really? You know, lopsided.
00:29:13I don't think I have.
00:29:16It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:21See?
00:29:23Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot. He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:29It must be marvellous, being a man.
00:29:33It's OK, I suppose.
00:29:35Men can do anything.
00:29:37Conquer Everest.
00:29:39Do heart transplants.
00:29:41Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:43Anything!
00:29:53Geoffrey, NO spells no.
00:29:55It's good for your circulation, Beryl. Read any women's magazine. It's good for theirs, too.
00:30:01I'm not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:30:04I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:30:07Or Saturdays.
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:14Oh, Beryl.
00:30:16Oh, Geoffrey Bobble's bumble.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:19Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:21Oh, Beryl!
00:30:22Are you all right? What exactly happened? Don't tell me.
00:30:26I just had a sharp achak of dramatic irony.
00:30:29Pardon?
00:30:35Come back. They're better. It's better. I'm OK.
00:30:41I told you, it's going to pour.
00:30:44It's not!
00:30:45It's only the angels crying.
00:30:47I know how they feel.
00:30:49Well, don't blame me. I haven't done anything.
00:30:51That's true.
00:30:53That's not true, Beryl. I have apologised.
00:30:55I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:30:57Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:30:58It must be a bad line. I can't hear you. You'd better apologise again.
00:30:59I apologise again.
00:31:02Gosh, this lousy line!
00:31:03I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:04Pardon?
00:31:05Pardon?
00:31:06Pardon?
00:31:07Is that who I think it is?
00:31:08No, dear.
00:31:09No, dear.
00:31:10No, dear.
00:31:12I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:15Pardon?
00:31:17Pardon?
00:31:19Is that who I think it is?
00:31:21No, dear.
00:31:23I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:28Pardon?
00:31:30Pardon?
00:31:32Is that who I think it is?
00:31:34No, dear.
00:31:42Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:51Sardine sandwich.
00:31:53Is it all sardine?
00:31:54Yeah.
00:31:56She's got her own trawler.
00:32:04Isn't it awful?
00:32:05What?
00:32:06I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:32:08What's happening in the world?
00:32:09I blame the politicians.
00:32:11What for?
00:32:12For what's happening in the world.
00:32:18Talk to her.
00:32:21I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:23Tasty.
00:32:26Very in oil.
00:32:28She's got a bad leg.
00:32:32The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:34After this little baker down the road, he does something with the bleach.
00:32:40Yes.
00:32:47Can't do long conversations about sardines so much as your mind goes blank.
00:32:54Start thinking about life after death.
00:32:56Oh, that Neville, honestly.
00:32:57Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:32:58Every girl in Manchester nearly.
00:32:59Geoffrey definitely has.
00:33:00Probably even more.
00:33:02Air hostesses.
00:33:03All sorts.
00:33:04Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:05I haven't had one yet.
00:33:06White man speak with forked tongue.
00:33:07Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:08Hmm.
00:33:09Wow, is that the time?
00:33:10At this moment in time.
00:33:11What have I done?
00:33:12Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:13Right in the slightest.
00:33:14Right in the slightest.
00:33:15No.
00:33:16No.
00:33:17No.
00:33:18No.
00:33:19No.
00:33:20No.
00:33:21No.
00:33:22No.
00:33:23No.
00:33:24Sorry, ma'am.
00:33:25No.
00:33:26No.
00:33:29No.
00:33:30No.
00:33:32No.
00:33:34at this moment in time.
00:33:36What have I done?
00:33:37Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:40Right in the slightest.
00:33:42You're lucky.
00:33:43Why, it's Geoffrey.
00:33:45Wow.
00:33:47You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:50Of course not. Why should I be?
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey. Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:58Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:00What?
00:34:03Who needs drama?
00:34:06So I shouted back at her.
00:34:08No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:10In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:14He thumped you.
00:34:16Walloped you on.
00:34:18No.
00:34:19I said nearly.
00:34:23You never thump me, will you?
00:34:25Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:27She adores it.
00:34:29Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:34Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:37It isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38He used to talk to me.
00:34:40All right, let's talk.
00:34:46Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:49Why, is your mum going out?
00:34:53May as well pack in, really.
00:34:57Why?
00:34:57Why not?
00:35:03Good thinking.
00:35:10Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too.
00:35:13It was real.
00:35:14It's psychedelic.
00:35:15You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:17We're scratched anyway.
00:35:19It's been a gasp.
00:35:20It's been a gasp.
00:35:21Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:28It's been a gasp.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:30You're well-bred barrel.
00:35:41There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:51Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:53You know you can't do it.
00:35:54You'll never thought of me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:03Ow!
00:36:04Beryl, I've just had the most super idea.
00:36:07Are we going to put it up?
00:36:08No.
00:36:09We're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that.
00:36:11Please don't say that.
00:36:12That.
00:36:15Sandra.
00:36:16Sandra.
00:36:18You're Sandra.
00:36:19You're Sandra.
00:36:19Mine.
00:36:20Two months.
00:36:24Two months, nine days.
00:36:28Is she positive?
00:36:30The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:35Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations.
00:36:40I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:50Huh?
00:36:53controlar how you do it.
00:36:54Well.
00:36:55Here.
00:36:57Wow, thanks.
00:37:01That's all.
00:37:17I don't know how you're in here.
00:37:18God.
00:37:18After two, the two, the other was.
00:37:19John for Pope.
00:37:42Long may reign.
00:37:49Aren't you, er...
00:37:53Yeah.
00:37:55And you're, er...
00:37:57That's right.
00:37:59Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:01I'm meeting my parents.
00:38:03Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:05That's pretty incredible.
00:38:07Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:09Er...
00:38:11Oh hell no, that's tomorrow.
00:38:13If I'm in the mood.
00:38:15Where you are?
00:38:17Depends where you take me.
00:38:30All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:32Rowland.
00:38:33Rowland.
00:38:34Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:38It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:43And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:46Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:49I packed her in.
00:38:51Did she turn you on?
00:38:52Daryl?
00:38:53Yeah.
00:38:54I hadn't really looked.
00:38:55Seen one, you seen them all.
00:38:56Not quite all.
00:38:57I'll go and get me coat.
00:38:58Looks to be my birthday.
00:38:59How many you are?
00:39:01Daryl?
00:39:03Yeah.
00:39:05I haven't really looked.
00:39:09You've seen one, you've seen them all.
00:39:13Not quite all.
00:39:15I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:23Must be my birthday.
00:39:25Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:31I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Filth.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:42Mmm.
00:39:43Oh, you were terrific on the bus.
00:39:46Wasn't it?
00:39:48Mmm.
00:39:49Terrific self-control.
00:39:52Joan of Arc never married yet,
00:39:54she led a full and happy life?
00:39:56Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:58Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:01I happen to be interested in having early nights
00:40:03and writing poetry in bed with me mo felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink.
00:40:07I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:09My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:14Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:16Mmm, don't.
00:40:17Please.
00:40:18You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:21Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:25Mmm.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:28It is me birthday.
00:40:34What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:39I don't believe that question.
00:40:41You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:44I was 11 years old.
00:40:46He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:49What about your mommy's modeling house?
00:40:52Why don't you wake up when I'm developing people?
00:40:53I can't be憂、 but you can't lie enough.
00:40:54You want me to Hall of it when it comes.
00:40:55Let me go for it.
00:40:56You want me to sit inside."
00:40:57No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:40:58No way, you can't lie.
00:40:59You strawberry the Mata will put yourself into the box.
00:41:00Oh, the BB is hot.
00:41:01You're a loser.
00:41:02Kind.
00:41:03You can't be a party for a little bit.
00:41:04You're a party.
00:41:05You can't be some martial arts tab.
00:41:06I want to die.
00:41:07I didn't care for you hot?!
00:41:08I was a party.
00:41:09See aren't pushing for you questions in a fucking way ..
00:41:10It's a party of you?
00:41:16what's your name again what's yours rock that's not your real name no Steven
00:41:27God that turns me on
00:41:31when I first met you in the street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat
00:41:42shows you the art of conversation and dead don't move a muscle however gorgeous
00:42:12testing testing Jeffrey Milleharp returns to the day I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself
00:42:25I'm fed up
00:42:43who are you
00:42:46who are you
00:42:47what are you fed up about
00:42:50teachers don't have to do homework no they just mark it anyone can mark it
00:42:59they've got the answers
00:43:00do you know it's after two o'clock
00:43:08what's he doing here then
00:43:09well this is your uncle Steven
00:43:15this is my revolting brother Jeremy
00:43:22how do you do
00:43:23don't me mum and dad know he's here
00:43:25Jeremy bed
00:43:26I could always wake them up and tell them
00:43:28Jeremy little boys need sleep
00:43:35even big astronauts
00:43:37do you know where babies come from do you say no no I do
00:43:45say yes
00:43:46shall I tell you he knows the man has this male organ and some blood cells and erectile glands
00:43:53and there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has as well and they go through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has
00:44:02who told you that then they go to the fallopian tubes after that one of them fertilizes with the female egg the others don't bother
00:44:09the others don't bother anyway that's what you have to do then you have a baby
00:44:15did they teach you that at school they do woodwork in the next class people can only make babies at certain times of the year but animals like dogs and cats and giraffes I think do it all the time
00:44:29no that's people
00:44:34what is
00:44:36well people do it all the time
00:44:40whenever they feel like it
00:44:46in the next class you can do metal work if you don't like woodwork
00:44:52goodnight Jeremy
00:44:5525p
00:44:5850
00:44:5950
00:45:0050
00:45:01goodnight Uncle Stephen
00:45:15Would you care for a government health warning?
00:45:34Hey, Veronica!
00:45:36Yes?
00:45:37Who the hell's Uncle Stephen at ten past two in the morning?
00:45:39A friend of Jeremy's. He's going now.
00:45:44Good night, love.
00:45:45We would have done that, wouldn't we?
00:45:50And how?
00:45:54You can't win them all, can you?
00:45:56Anyway, do you good going without for a change.
00:46:05Still, there's always another day.
00:46:07Tomorrow?
00:46:08No.
00:46:10Tomorrow's another day.
00:46:11Shh.
00:46:12Not unless you happen to be in Plymouth.
00:46:14Where?
00:46:15I'm joining the Wrens for three years.
00:46:20What Wrens?
00:46:21The Royal Navy's Wrens.
00:46:22The Royal Navy's Wrens.
00:46:23This time tomorrow I'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls and 30,000 sailors.
00:46:30Hope I like it.
00:46:31Hope I like it.
00:46:32Well, thanks for nearly everything.
00:46:38We definitely would have done, wouldn't we?
00:46:42Well, obviously.
00:46:43We're as good as dead, in a way, really.
00:46:46Almost.
00:46:47Just keep telling yourself and we will have only better.
00:46:50Good night, love.
00:46:52Try a barrel.
00:46:54Try a barrel.
00:46:55Morning, previous generation.
00:46:56Good night.
00:46:57Good night.
00:46:58Good night.
00:46:59Good night.
00:47:01Good night.
00:47:16Morning, previous generations.
00:47:18What's for breakfast?
00:47:31You knew it was your mother's birthday.
00:47:33Now, what we'd like to know is where were you while we were fiddling on the flaming roof?
00:47:37I'm sorry, Mum. I'll take you out another night. Something cropped up.
00:47:41Like what?
00:47:43Dad, you understand.
00:47:46I don't, Geoffrey.
00:47:49Well, you always say you do.
00:47:51Geoffrey, you're at it every night.
00:47:54Yes, Dad. And we don't complain. No, Dad.
00:47:57But last night was different. I knew you'd understand.
00:48:16It just turns out.
00:48:30Charlton for Pope.
00:48:32Hone me a round. Amen.
00:48:34What's going on?
00:48:35Pounds down again.
00:48:37You should know.
00:48:39Or me.
00:48:41Know what I mean?
00:48:43What a night.
00:48:45Wow.
00:48:47A lot.
00:48:49Including action replays in slow motion.
00:48:55Hey lads, I picked up a bit of spare last night.
00:48:59Who didn't?
00:49:01No, it's true.
00:49:03Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:05Bloody yes.
00:49:15Poor Geoffrey.
00:49:17Beryl, please. It's Neville's engagement party as well.
00:49:20He had to invite him.
00:49:22He'll see me. It's cruel.
00:49:24He'll see other girls.
00:49:26I shan't take him back, Sandra.
00:49:29I shan't.
00:49:31It's been two weeks. He may have got over you by now.
00:49:35Don't know much about men, do you, love?
00:49:38It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:49:39Finally splitting up.
00:49:40It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:49:42Finally splitting up.
00:49:43He only had one ambition in life.
00:49:44Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:49:45Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:49:46.
00:49:47.
00:49:48Good job she hasn't joined the rent.
00:49:49Good job she hasn't joined the rent.
00:49:50The entire navy had gone strike.
00:49:51The entire navy had gone strike.
00:49:52.
00:49:53.
00:49:54.
00:49:55.
00:49:56.
00:49:57.
00:49:58.
00:49:59.
00:50:00.
00:50:01I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:02I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:08She might have changed, of course.
00:50:09If she has, I might let her have the old orgy now and again.
00:50:11.
00:50:12.
00:50:13.
00:50:14.
00:50:15.
00:50:16.
00:50:17.
00:50:18.
00:50:19.
00:50:20.
00:50:21.
00:50:22.
00:50:23.
00:50:24.
00:50:25.
00:50:26.
00:50:27.
00:50:28.
00:50:29.
00:50:30.
00:50:31.
00:50:33.
00:50:44.
00:50:46.
00:50:47.
00:50:48.
00:50:49.
00:50:50.
00:50:51.
00:50:52.
00:50:53.
00:50:54.
00:50:55You've never got to be difí.
00:50:56.
00:50:57.
00:50:58.
00:51:00Oh, good.
00:51:02And what's new with Geoffrey, then?
00:51:10I asked you what was new with you.
00:51:11I asked you.
00:51:16Did you?
00:51:17Did I say more?
00:51:20Pardon?
00:51:21And how's Beryl Baby getting on, then?
00:51:24Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl Baby.
00:51:28It isn't like you.
00:51:29Say that again, Beryl Baby.
00:51:33What's your name, handsome?
00:51:36You'll laugh. Everybody laughs.
00:51:39It's the story of my life.
00:51:41You tell it like it is, Geoff.
00:51:50She's putting on an axe.
00:51:53What do you care?
00:51:55I don't, Beryl Baby.
00:51:57Is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:06Probably.
00:52:10Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days.
00:52:13Well, it's very exhausting.
00:52:16What is?
00:52:19Working in a bank.
00:52:20I had this bad seat, this chick, and decided to split.
00:52:31So I cut out, man, like there's no tomorrow.
00:52:39This cat gets it together where he's at, man.
00:52:44Lots of beautiful bag, baby.
00:52:47So if you want a piece of the action,
00:52:49don't cool it.
00:52:51Take it.
00:52:52Take it.
00:52:54Hmm?
00:52:55Hmm?
00:52:58Sorry.
00:52:58I no understand English.
00:53:06Gesundheit.
00:53:07I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one she has and which is
00:53:16her husband neither
00:53:31great beat isn't it great to dance to
00:53:37do you agree that life's an onion if so what's death
00:53:48a banana yes I expect it is when you think about it have you read Schopenhauer's concept of existence
00:53:58but I've seen the film you married no grab yourself an adage marriage is a cabbage
00:54:12never ask the questions ask the answers you are a poet to any manager at Marks and Spencers
00:54:24now he's taking his clothes off
00:54:32what's on ITV this what's on BBC
00:54:39casin' over what's that like
00:54:46this
00:54:47come on now you know that's not where it's at let's get this what's the word
00:54:54let's get it clear let's get down to the real nitty grittiesville
00:54:59okay
00:55:00women's lip is not about burning brass papers yeah
00:55:14what papers
00:55:16a marriage certificate a dog's license whatever you prefer to call it
00:55:20look let's be basic about this Enid all girls want marriage and a wide wedding
00:55:25really basic you want to be really basic
00:55:29utterly basic
00:55:30balls
00:55:31grass
00:55:33Enid when Sandra says every girl she means most girls
00:55:39well like herself not me of course because I incredibly value my independence
00:55:43but most girls definitely want
00:55:46balls
00:55:46if you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to
00:55:51I'm not recourseing to anything I'm merely telling you what girls want
00:55:54what
00:55:55balls
00:55:56oh
00:55:56would you please stop saying that
00:55:59you believe in free love right
00:56:01wrong I believe in free everything
00:56:04freedom from all male chauvinist pig domination
00:56:07honestly don't you understand
00:56:09excuse me you've got your hand on me
00:56:10if we're liberating society for the future I'm sure
00:56:12no thank you
00:56:13excuse me excuse me you've got your hand on me
00:56:14no
00:56:15oh
00:56:16oh sorry wow man sorry
00:56:20it's all right
00:56:20oh gee
00:56:21it's a pleasure
00:56:22grass
00:56:23Geoffrey you've not to
00:56:25why not
00:56:26I said don't you not to smoke it
00:56:28oh wow
00:56:38we're as liberated as you Enid
00:56:42we've equal importance as individuals
00:56:44neither of us is boss
00:56:46it just doesn't arise
00:56:47we'll make some coffee
00:56:49you see what we believe is
00:56:52you see
00:56:56well one
00:56:57I can see there's only one way to get through
00:57:02what you're doing
00:57:06lighting everybody's fire
00:57:08burn my bra
00:57:12right that's it
00:57:18finished
00:57:19the end
00:57:20full stop
00:57:21we've finally split up
00:57:24Neville
00:57:24Sandra wants you
00:57:26I should imagine
00:57:27sad isn't it
00:57:31pathetic
00:57:34well I can't follow plays these days
00:57:40it's just showing real life
00:57:43that's all
00:57:43I once thought I'd found her
00:57:50the perfect girl
00:57:52red hair
00:57:54not too skinny
00:57:56very gentle and shy
00:57:59passionate when roused
00:58:03yeah
00:58:04should pack me in for picking my teeth
00:58:08with a matchstick
00:58:08you're very sweet Roland
00:58:10I've always thought you were
00:58:14did you know you're very nearly
00:58:18have a lopsided grin
00:58:19it's just I'm a bit tired
00:58:22no it's nice
00:58:23I don't think I've washed that one
00:58:49oh
00:58:50sorry
00:58:50do you know
00:58:55what girl
00:58:56she can ask me anything
00:58:57do you know where Jeffrey's got to
00:59:01he's upstairs I think
00:59:05is it true they're dry on their own
00:59:13usually
00:59:20I hate to be any trouble
00:59:23but I think I'm dying
00:59:25you'll be alright
00:59:26honest
00:59:26she said I shouldn't smoke it
00:59:29who
00:59:30she said
00:59:31Jeffrey
00:59:35Jeffrey
00:59:39sorry
00:59:41Jeffrey
00:59:52Jeffrey
00:59:53move up a bit Jeffrey
00:59:58put your legs
01:00:00that's better
01:00:02it's because it's your first time
01:00:07isn't it
01:00:08call Dr. Wise
01:00:15put a Quilmslow road
01:00:17it wasn't marijuana
01:00:22you know
01:00:23what was it then
01:00:27grass
01:00:28grass is marijuana
01:00:31this grass wasn't
01:00:34it was the real thing
01:00:37from the front lawn
01:00:40like you Beryl
01:00:50had a nice time
01:00:56even though it's three o'clock in the morning
01:00:59not that I mind
01:01:01if you've had a nice time
01:01:03even though I've been in bed since ten
01:01:05having a good night's worry
01:01:06do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard
01:01:35I didn't try at all
01:01:38gave it to rest
01:01:40I'm right off birds
01:01:45I am
01:01:47I am
01:01:48for good
01:01:50me too
01:01:52and me
01:02:05good morning
01:02:14your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel
01:02:17can I
01:02:18do you have a different place
01:02:35I think
01:02:35I'm
01:02:36I'm
01:02:37I'm
01:02:37I'm
01:02:38I'm
01:02:39I'm
01:02:39I'm
01:02:40I'm
01:02:41I'm
01:02:41I'm
01:02:42I'm
01:02:43I'm
01:02:43I'm
01:02:43I'm
01:02:44I'm
01:02:45I'm
01:02:46I'm
01:02:46I'm
01:02:47I'm
01:02:47I'm
01:02:48Oh, Bernal.
01:03:09Oh, Bernal.
01:03:15Jeffrey.
01:03:18Oh, can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:24Oh, Bernal.
01:03:27Oh, Jeffrey.
01:03:30Oh, God.
01:03:43Hello.
01:03:45At this afternoon's meeting...
01:03:46Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:48Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:51You're a bugger.
01:03:55I don't know who he takes after.
01:04:04Hello?
01:04:05It's me.
01:04:06Who?
01:04:07My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:09Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:10I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:13If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in.
01:04:16Tonight or any other night.
01:04:18Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:21I don't know who you are.
01:04:22I don't know who you are.
01:04:23I never want to see you again.
01:04:24Why don't you see you again?
01:04:25Oh, wouldn't you come out?
01:04:26No, I'm coming out.
01:04:27You're welcome.
01:04:28I can't even see you again.
01:04:29You're welcome.
01:04:30I'm coming out of town.
01:04:31I'm coming out of town.
01:04:32I'm coming out of town.
01:04:33Oh, I'm coming out...
01:04:34A small world.
01:04:52Good evening, Mrs Battersby.
01:04:54I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:57Oh?
01:04:59Probably this one.
01:05:01Definitely. Magic in satin.
01:05:03Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:05:05Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:11You'd like some nice, fancy, random neighbour, wouldn't you?
01:05:17I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:20I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:23Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jockstrap.
01:05:26Beryl, listen.
01:05:27Can I help you, madam?
01:05:27Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:30No, madam.
01:05:31I'll leave it then.
01:05:33Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter.
01:05:45What doesn't?
01:05:46You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:47Wouldn't what?
01:05:49Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:52Me?
01:05:53A football match with 40,000 skinheads and you.
01:05:58Told you.
01:06:00Who are they playing?
01:06:06Huddersfield Town.
01:06:08In the cot.
01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:12The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:20Shows you.
01:06:23Away from home.
01:06:25They've won three, drawn five and lost 12.
01:06:29Drawn five.
01:06:34So what do you think?
01:06:35I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38Oh, I think I've never loved you.
01:06:47I've always wanted to see you.
01:06:55I'll never forget you.
01:06:55I'll never forget you.
01:06:56Okay.
01:06:57I'll never forget you.
01:06:58I'll never forget you.
01:06:59Never mind, it's only a game.
01:07:06I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:13No!
01:07:15I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:24We live in a permissive society, Beryl.
01:07:26Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:34You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up,
01:07:37even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes, well, boys are very safe.
01:07:42And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:47I don't mean permissive, permissive.
01:07:50I see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:55Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:08:02Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:04What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:07Not too much, I hope.
01:08:09Oh, God.
01:08:10Boys are very funny.
01:08:12They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:13Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:27Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:32Fantastic.
01:08:32The cowgill's.
01:08:39Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:42Married couple.
01:08:45Newlyweds.
01:08:46Not long married.
01:08:49You go bald doing that.
01:08:51Doing what?
01:08:52No.
01:08:54Yes, sir.
01:09:05Do I tell you, 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains.
01:09:09Living in sin.
01:09:13Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:16if i said to you do you think cassius clay would have beaten rocky marciano would you say what's
01:09:26it matter so long as they're happily married i don't think so a barrel would
01:09:32giving you a bad time is she oh i wouldn't say that
01:09:40i haven't even mentioned the word what word
01:09:46goodness me a single person can have a relationship with another single person without everyone
01:09:51thinking she's automatically i never said you were you think it
01:09:55all right jeffrey i hereby promise never to utter the word again
01:10:13marriage never well until i am if i ever do which i fervently hope i never will
01:10:23for someone who's not uttering something when's your old pee coming out
01:10:27no two people have a divine right to happiness jeffrey you mustn't feel guilty about me
01:10:36sorry no one can say you've completely ruined me life not yet
01:10:45what are you staring at
01:10:51hello you all right son terrific why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat then
01:11:00your mother's theory is you're overworking
01:11:03my theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird
01:11:07oh what's your theory indigestion oh what's yours sundance
01:11:15hasn't he said anything at all he has said one thing oh what's that if god had meant sardines
01:11:23to be in oil it had given them dipsticks all right
01:11:25the weeks and months dragged by and with neither side willing to compromise we still have deadlock
01:11:34her majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma
01:11:39another wild night learning what i know spells and how many of us school pals are getting married
01:11:44and what i know spells and what i know spells great
01:11:48i might as well go bald and open my own monastery
01:11:51and so society that's you and me says end this dispute
01:11:57end it now good night
01:12:01here here good one day
01:12:04terrific especially when he said good night
01:12:07we're just enjoying ourselves
01:12:10having a good time
01:12:12just having fun
01:12:14being happy
01:12:15take two a day after meals
01:12:18and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again in the middle of a zebra crossing
01:12:22for no reason at all
01:12:23you're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend
01:12:29absolutely positive
01:12:30that was the first film we ever saw together
01:12:35make that three a day after meals
01:12:39look beryl how's this for a peace plan
01:12:51you join a marriage bureau and i'll get a job on the stage
01:12:56twice nightly in denmark
01:12:57then we'll both be happy
01:12:59right
01:13:00right
01:13:01good jesus christ superstar amen
01:13:03oh hell
01:13:06pounds up again
01:13:08see you tomorrow
01:13:08where do you think you're going
01:13:11jeffrey i'll get the sack
01:13:18it's important
01:13:19what is
01:13:22i keep asking you what is
01:13:26what is
01:13:29to be on our own
01:13:31what
01:13:33so as we can talk
01:13:35what
01:13:37that old speech worked out on the bus this morning
01:13:45the only bit i can remember is
01:13:49and that's what i think
01:13:50last night i dreamt i was in goal for manchester united and grace kelly kicked nine goals past me
01:13:56grace who
01:13:57she was playing for united as well
01:13:59weird isn't it
01:14:01the main thing is
01:14:10we do communicate
01:14:13oh we do
01:14:15see what i think
01:14:25go on
01:14:27no you
01:14:27mine wasn't important
01:14:28her mum wasn't
01:14:31beryl
01:14:42are you
01:14:46happy
01:14:48of course
01:14:49very
01:14:51i am
01:14:54no one is every second of every minute of every day
01:14:58no
01:15:01i'm not
01:15:04do you think it's because we love each other do you think
01:15:10probably
01:15:17probably
01:15:17i've not actually said the words often
01:15:19well not in so many words
01:15:22mostly in words to that effect
01:15:24is there anything you don't love about me
01:15:40no
01:15:41no
01:15:42i don't think so
01:15:43honestly no
01:15:44nothing
01:15:46if there is
01:15:47there isn't
01:15:47you just tell me and i'll stop doing it
01:15:49there isn't anything
01:15:49honest
01:15:50good
01:15:51it wouldn't upset me it would just make me a better human being to deserve your love
01:15:58like you know
01:16:05crimson shoes and bottle green socks
01:16:08well you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks beryl
01:16:13if i did i'd stop
01:16:14to please you
01:16:15i see
01:16:20there's no need to be sensitive jeffrey
01:16:27in a meaningful relationship you must like even what you don't
01:16:30your mother
01:16:33pardon
01:16:34i like your mother
01:16:35please don't sulk jeffrey
01:16:36handle lampshades
01:16:37sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person
01:16:40well you ought to know you've almost made it an art form
01:16:45anything else at random
01:16:46you've got 24 hours to spare
01:16:48after all i'm no bridget bardo
01:16:50according to reliable sources in san trapez she's 105 next birthday
01:16:54over 98 percent of the male population of manchester and salford can tell the difference between bridget bardo and beryl battersby
01:17:00ask any opinion poll
01:17:02i'm much fatter for a start
01:17:04you're not all that fat beryl
01:17:06i am
01:17:07start slimming
01:17:08men like something to get hold of
01:17:09if they're allowed to get hold of it
01:17:11you always succeed in getting back to percy filth in the end don't you always
01:17:14no i don't beryl you do i always fail
01:17:17do you know what some girls find extremely likeable
01:17:19the extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see
01:17:23boys like it when girls tell them what no spells
01:17:26especially for the 600th time that they really dig
01:17:29you never say dig
01:17:31i did then
01:17:33your passionate unrequited love for eleven boring men kicking a ball about that's really loveable
01:17:39i never knew you thought that
01:17:41neither did i
01:17:43do now though
01:17:53i used to say dig before i met you
01:17:59used to say all sorts of things
01:18:05there's a lot about me i can't even remember
01:18:07thinking what i'm thinking
01:18:17thinking what i'm thinking
01:18:33i think so
01:18:35we just don't like each other
01:18:37at all
01:18:51oh goodbye then
01:18:53good luck
01:18:55peace man
01:18:57you
01:18:59thank you
01:19:00i love you
01:19:01i love you
01:19:03you
01:19:04i love you
01:19:05i love you
01:19:06i love you
01:19:07so that just leaves a cot two matinee coats two romper suits and what else do I need
01:19:21oh yes a ring teething ring wedding ring of course oh they have gorgeous plans in the shops these
01:19:31days no wonder everyone's at it oh sorry what about skip it about time too but a sympathy not that I
01:19:44need any actually I've never been as happy in my life but she doesn't know that if I'm looking
01:19:50miserable Sandra it's because I'm feeling happy for you yeah we know what you must be thinking
01:19:59of course we do how to pop the pink without going in off
01:20:03ace she used to wear pink you know I won't tell you where
01:20:14a hell of a lot more where hers came from wow
01:20:20did you want the chalk Jeffrey I know spells no
01:20:28super day for it hmm sin being inside a day like this well Sandra this is it yep the big day
01:20:41yep coming to the crotch crunch I dare say it'll hardly break me heart in the slightest seeing him
01:20:49again you mustn't think I'll be crying inside because I most definitely won't be
01:20:54and what's more no one will know that I am because I shan't truly
01:21:00Sandra please you've enough to think of
01:21:04it's a big day for you as well really isn't it
01:21:10and now one of the bride and groom on their own
01:21:18do you mind stepping back sir fine this is fine enough here about there lovely you can kiss the
01:21:26bride on this one sir wow official permission to actually kiss her
01:21:30oh sorry that's right hold it lovely thank you right now a nice family group of the parents please
01:21:43right funny I remember the Friday lunchtime they first met
01:21:47how have you been absolutely great you never better ever
01:21:54it's all over now bar the salmon salad
01:22:00it's tuna fish it's life
01:22:05see president Nick some way to China then
01:22:14that was before we ever met
01:22:16I know
01:22:18why has something happened about it
01:22:20no
01:22:21could I trouble you for the salad cream please
01:22:24speaking personally I think there are enough problems to sort out on earth without going to the moon
01:22:31Nixon
01:22:33why is he going
01:22:35no
01:22:37the astronauts
01:22:39oh
01:22:40it's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for
01:22:43we never really talk did we about things that matter
01:22:49good isn't it
01:22:51shows with friends
01:22:52now that we know we don't like each other
01:22:54everybody thinks we're broken hearted
01:22:57we've really grown up haven't we
01:23:03my mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much percy filth
01:23:07I'm right off it myself
01:23:08I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks
01:23:12oh
01:23:13I expect it's only temporary
01:23:15I hope not
01:23:16it's marvellous
01:23:17good
01:23:18I don't fancy you in the slightest now
01:23:21thank you love
01:23:22still off the food I noticed
01:23:28and we've learned a fantastic amount for the future
01:23:34fantastic
01:23:35for example
01:23:37say I finally did marry someone like you
01:23:39only someone I love
01:23:40I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night
01:23:44in bed a bit
01:23:47and you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol
01:23:54and marry her three days later
01:23:56we probably won't see each other at all now we're pals
01:24:01I expect you're going to the match this afternoon
01:24:04oh yeah
01:24:04I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case
01:24:07where's she going?
01:24:09hospital
01:24:09well
01:24:13we'll bump into each other sometime
01:24:16a lot of
01:24:24and
01:24:25and
01:24:28but
01:24:30Oh, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
01:24:58He won't remember me.
01:25:00Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:04Is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:12There is no football. It's cricket now.
01:25:14Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:28Hi.
01:25:40When's the kick-off?
01:25:44In about three months. Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:48Oh, what on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:52I forgot.
01:25:54I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:58Where will you go now, then?
01:26:00Don't know.
01:26:04Could always go inside and practise booing for next season.
01:26:08Where will you?
01:26:10Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:12Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:16Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:18May as well, if you like.
01:26:20Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:22Just as friends.
01:26:24Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:26Yeah, I did.
01:26:34Wish we had a ball.
01:26:38Could play shooting in.
01:26:42You could go in goal.
01:26:44Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:27:14Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:22We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:24Anyone, really.
01:27:34There's millions to choose from.
01:27:36All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:40You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:42You will, Beryl.
01:27:44Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:46Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:48Beryl!
01:27:50Beryl!
01:27:52Beryl!
01:27:54Beryl!
01:27:56Beryl!
01:27:58Beryl!
01:28:00Beryl!
01:28:02Beryl!
01:28:04Beryl!
01:28:06Beryl!
01:28:08Beryl!
01:28:10Beryl!
01:28:12Beryl!
01:28:13Beryl!
01:28:14And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's dark
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:57Love and rainy weather
01:29:00Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's dark
01:29:11Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:21Love and rainy weather
01:29:25Love and rainy weather
01:29:25Love and rainy weather
01:29:26Love and rainy weather
01:29:33Don't you grab any water
01:29:36That's okay
01:29:37You never got raw
01:29:38You never got raw
01:29:39I just drop you
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