00:00Ever wonder what it'd be like if Sarah Connor was in Aliens?
00:03Well, you sort of get your wish in Osiris.
00:06Max Martini leads a group of Special Forces soldiers
00:09who get beamed onto an alien spaceship.
00:11They soon realise they're being hunted
00:13and eventually team up with Linda Hamilton's Russian tank commander
00:16and her daughter, Brianna Hildebrand,
00:18to fight the aliens and maybe find a way off the ship.
00:22Directed and co-written by prolific direct-to-video action helmer,
00:25William Kaufman, whose credits include Jarhead 3 and The Marine 4,
00:29Osiris is so absolutely unabashed
00:31and basically being a mash-up of aliens and Predator
00:34that it often plays like an unofficial fan film at times.
00:37Kaufman even lifts some bits wholesale,
00:39such as someone climbing through ventilation ducts like Bishop
00:42or, most glaringly, they find a room full of corpses
00:45hanging from the ceiling.
00:47Even the aliens look like a mash-up between the two creatures,
00:50snarling like Xenomorphs or having linebacker builds like Predators
00:54and a pleasingly practical blokes in suits.
00:57The biggest and most obvious James Cameron homage
00:59is in stunt casting Terminator star Linda Hamilton
01:02in what basically amounts to an extended cameo.
01:06She might be super prominent in the artwork,
01:08but Hamilton doesn't appear until an hour in,
01:10where she delivers a big exposition dump.
01:13Her Russian commander, who has fought for decades on this ship,
01:16and Deadpool star Hildebrand as her daughter,
01:18who has barely known life outside of it,
01:20are the two most interesting characters,
01:22and I wish Hamilton was in this more than she is.
01:25But Aliens knockoffs a dime a dozen,
01:27and for all its worship of that movie,
01:29Osiris is missing its real secret source,
01:32which is its characterization.
01:34Every character in Aliens is merrible and quotable,
01:37and the ones here most certainly are not.
01:39I could tell characterization was a very low priority
01:42when the film opens with an overlong firefight
01:44in some unspecific Middle Eastern country like it's 2007.
01:48You can hardly tell the soldiers apart
01:50as they scream and yell things like,
01:51cover and going hard.
01:54The only way you can tell Max Martini is the main character
01:56is because he carries around a photo of his daughter.
01:59Wow, how exciting.
02:02And probably another Aliens homage while we're at it.
02:05The only one who stands out is Hudson clone Nash,
02:07plumber Linz Edward,
02:09reimagined as a Bible belter who says things like,
02:11I believe in Jesus Christ and Dalaparton.
02:14And the vast majority of the film is these generic grunts,
02:17ultimately walking and shooting down endless dimly lit corridors
02:21with blue teal highlights ubiquitous with cheap sci-fi films
02:25where they've probably turned off the lights
02:26to hide the fact they're going down the same corridor over and over.
02:30It's like watching the Hive Ambush scene
02:32if you drained it of any fun, tension or interest
02:34and stretched it to 107 very dull minutes.
02:38I found Osiris a grind to sit through,
02:41and this isn't sub-Aliens.
02:42The execution here is sub-Doom.
02:45Game over, man.
02:47Game over!
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