- 6 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:02CastingWords
00:01:06CastingWords
00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street, we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me, they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only manners these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26God is Lord.
00:01:30Jesus.
00:01:30Jesus.
00:01:31We've never seen him in real life, though.
00:01:58No, he's picturing the papers.
00:02:01Oh, come on, Sandra, let's go.
00:02:03No, I don't want to.
00:02:04I want to wait.
00:02:05I want to be standing out here.
00:02:05It's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:08Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:10But that was yesterday.
00:02:11He might be here today.
00:02:12I want to be standing here.
00:02:14I want to be supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16But he might come.
00:02:17Please, let's go.
00:02:22Oh, no.
00:02:23I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:25I feel a right twit now.
00:02:27I don't fancy yours.
00:02:30Which is mine?
00:02:32Any except the blonde.
00:02:34Oh, good.
00:02:36They were being stared at.
00:02:38Where?
00:02:39I don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:47Any except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:52Thanks.
00:02:54Neither do I.
00:02:56Fancy the one with the twitch.
00:03:00About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad, with all due respect.
00:03:04To his granddad.
00:03:05Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:08You.
00:03:09I thought we were giving sex up.
00:03:11There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:13Ignore them.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:27Hi.
00:03:30Hi.
00:03:33Peace, ma'am.
00:03:33Were you, er, hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:37He's in Mallorca.
00:03:39Come on, then.
00:03:41We only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:44It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:52Come on.
00:03:53I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:58It's our lunch hour.
00:04:01It's ours.
00:04:02We were going for lunch.
00:04:08Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Mallorca?
00:04:12It's one place I've never been.
00:04:15Pardon?
00:04:15I'm Geoffrey.
00:04:18I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:25Don't you worry.
00:04:43Love and rainy weather may sound funny.
00:04:49But they go together fine every single time.
00:05:01First you're up there on another plane and then you're nowhere.
00:05:08And the tears are raining down It's a run around
00:05:18Love and rainy weather
00:05:23Sure can get you down
00:05:28Not going twisting tonight, then?
00:05:38That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40What?
00:05:41Cutting a rug.
00:05:44Pardon?
00:05:45Grooving, Mildred.
00:05:47It's called grooving nowadays.
00:05:48Grooving and or freaking.
00:05:50Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight.
00:05:53Right.
00:05:54Right on.
00:05:56You're staying in tonight, then?
00:05:57Tonight.
00:05:58Tomorrow night.
00:05:59Every night.
00:06:02They might sell me overcoat.
00:06:03Life's not all pleasure, you know.
00:06:06Mildred, don't hassle the lad.
00:06:09Hustle.
00:06:11It's a different world today, Mildred.
00:06:13We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost.
00:06:18They do their own thing.
00:06:19The usual 1,300 weight.
00:06:24Now that's the new world that we work for.
00:06:27And fought for.
00:06:28Full page advert for contraception.
00:06:31It's his birthright.
00:06:35I'm not hungry.
00:06:37What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:39It's the hip way cool people say,
00:06:41I'm not hungry.
00:06:42I'm not hungry.
00:06:42I'm not hungry.
00:06:50La, la, la.
00:06:53La, la, la.
00:06:54I enjoy staying in chatting of an evening.
00:07:01I find it fantastically enjoyable.
00:07:06No, really.
00:07:08I really do.
00:07:09Some people don't.
00:07:10I do.
00:07:14Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:07:16Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.
00:07:20Paul McCartney who?
00:07:20He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:24And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:07:27I sacrifice too much for your six-o levels.
00:07:29Five.
00:07:30You were terrific in the pictures.
00:07:34I never touched you.
00:07:35Terrific self-control.
00:07:37What did you say your name was?
00:08:02Mind you, just a weekend I do with you, Paul.
00:08:05Not a dirty weekend.
00:08:08A disgusting one.
00:08:13Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:08:24Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:28It's not my fault.
00:08:30It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:35It's-it's psychosomatic.
00:08:40I'm sorry.
00:08:45Ah.
00:08:46Ah.
00:08:46Ah.
00:09:02Oh, Sandra.
00:09:05It is almost blonde in this light.
00:09:07What's wrong?
00:09:14Just being brave.
00:09:16What about?
00:09:17Ending it all.
00:09:20Before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:23It's our first date.
00:09:24I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:31Not yet.
00:09:32Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:37Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:41Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went.
00:09:45Overnight.
00:09:46That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:48It's artistic, Mother.
00:09:51Like your Tutankhamen butter dish.
00:10:03What?
00:10:04Got it.
00:10:05Got what?
00:10:06You now ask if I never want to see you again.
00:10:09I say I do.
00:10:10You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:10:14How about Sunday, half seven, outside Central Library?
00:10:17No, I don't.
00:10:19Tomorrow, half seven, outside Central Library.
00:10:23Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:27It does not.
00:10:29I thought it did.
00:10:31Not till you've unfastened the press, stud.
00:10:35I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning.
00:10:39You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.
00:10:41I don't intend to marry her, Mother.
00:10:44In case it interferes with my career.
00:10:46We're just good friends.
00:10:48Good night.
00:11:02Miss Bardot.
00:11:05Marry me.
00:11:09You know what they say?
00:11:12Once you've had a Manchester, lad, you never touch anything else.
00:11:14Marry me.
00:11:16Marry me.
00:11:17Marry me.
00:11:18Marry me.
00:11:20Marry me.
00:11:22Marry me.
00:11:25Marry me.
00:11:27Marry me.
00:11:29Marry me.
00:11:29About time and all.
00:11:31Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:32Peace, man.
00:11:33Marry me.
00:11:35Marry me.
00:11:36Did you have a good time last night?
00:11:38Hooray.
00:11:38Did you?
00:11:40Satisfied.
00:11:41I stayed in for a change.
00:11:44Did you get much?
00:11:47Did you?
00:11:52Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?
00:11:55Not that I have done.
00:11:57I stayed in for a change instead.
00:11:59I stayed in for a change.
00:12:18Ticket.
00:12:19I haven't got my ticket.
00:12:20We're late already.
00:12:23See you behind the goal, then.
00:12:25Marry!
00:12:26Mary!
00:12:28Mary!
00:12:30Mary!
00:12:32Mary!
00:12:34Mary!
00:12:36Mary!
00:12:40Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her.
00:12:44Snooty old bag.
00:12:50Trendy. Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
00:12:54Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:57Still, who else would have him?
00:13:00Anyway, they're all the same in the dark, rumour has it.
00:13:11Different girl every night, you can tell the type.
00:13:15Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:13:18I bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:21Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:13:23At least I've got me proud.
00:13:25Oh, hello.
00:13:27Oh, hi.
00:13:29Hi.
00:13:30Didn't see you.
00:13:31No, Normie.
00:13:34Are you going that way?
00:13:35Yeah.
00:13:36Not specially, no.
00:13:38Are you going that?
00:13:40Yeah, well, um, no.
00:13:42I was sort of...
00:13:44Going to the football match?
00:13:45Are you?
00:13:46Shopping.
00:13:53I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.
00:13:55I am.
00:13:56Which?
00:13:57Which are you?
00:13:58Any.
00:13:59I am.
00:14:06See you then.
00:14:07Tonight?
00:14:08Pardon?
00:14:09Oh, I...
00:14:10All right then.
00:14:11Right.
00:14:19Super socks.
00:14:24Did you see that?
00:14:25They're all on drugs.
00:14:26A lot of them.
00:14:27A lot of them.
00:14:46Did he score?
00:14:47Losing.
00:14:483-1.
00:14:49Excuse me.
00:15:17Excuse me.
00:15:18They only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:25Ah.
00:15:29Hi.
00:15:31Hello, mate.
00:15:32Oh, um...
00:15:33Peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:35Surprise.
00:15:36Been anywhere controversial?
00:15:37Pictures.
00:15:38The boyfriend.
00:15:39She's slim.
00:15:40I'm just going to the, um...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:43Are you and Beryl, um...
00:15:44You know.
00:15:45Uh...
00:15:46You know.
00:15:47Uh...
00:15:48You know.
00:15:49Oh.
00:15:50Oh.
00:15:52Would you, uh...
00:15:53What do you sort of reckon?
00:15:54She's a...
00:15:55Fair sort of bird.
00:15:56Sort of.
00:15:57She's all right.
00:15:58She's all right.
00:15:59Yes.
00:16:00I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:01Geoffrey.
00:16:02She's a bird.
00:16:03You having a coffee with us?
00:16:04No thanks, kid.
00:16:05Neville's ravenous.
00:16:06You've just eaten.
00:16:07Oh, of course.
00:16:08Yeah.
00:16:09Sorry.
00:16:10Oh, of course.
00:16:11Yeah.
00:16:12Sorry.
00:16:13I'm sorry.
00:16:14I'm sorry.
00:16:15She's all right.
00:16:16She's all right.
00:16:17I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:18Geoffrey.
00:16:19She's a bird.
00:16:24You having a coffee with us?
00:16:25No thanks, kid.
00:16:26Neville's ravenous.
00:16:27You've just eaten.
00:16:29Oh, of course.
00:16:31Yeah.
00:16:32Sorry.
00:16:35You see, what I think it was always trying to do...
00:16:39By implication.
00:16:40Probably by implication.
00:16:41It was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgment.
00:16:46You see?
00:16:47Yes.
00:16:50Was he the errand boy?
00:16:52Was who the errand boy?
00:16:53Ken Thingy.
00:16:54He directed it.
00:16:56Oh, yes.
00:16:58I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:17:01Probably.
00:17:02Probably.
00:17:07You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:11Well, I'm probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:13It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:15And you talk to me the whole way, like a person.
00:17:22Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:24Sex.
00:17:25Marriage.
00:17:26Pardon?
00:17:27The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:31A couple of dates and pal they want to get married.
00:17:34I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:37I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:40Get married?
00:17:41Hmm.
00:17:42No.
00:17:48Actually, I find girls, most girls that is, a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:54Not marriage.
00:17:56No.
00:17:57Sex.
00:17:59Percy Phil.
00:18:03Sex.
00:18:04That's what I said.
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:07Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:08Not person felt motivated.
00:18:11No.
00:18:14No.
00:18:27Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell?
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:38This is it.
00:18:52I won't come in, with it being our first date.
00:18:54No.
00:18:55Oh.
00:18:56Anywhere me mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:18:59Is that a reason for me not coming in, though?
00:19:02Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:04Oh.
00:19:13Nice house.
00:19:1725-year mortgage.
00:19:23Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:24Funny, isn't it?
00:19:25First date with someone.
00:19:26It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:27Either nothing.
00:19:28Or something.
00:19:29Or everything.
00:19:30Well, don't think about Percy Philth at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:31I'm not.
00:19:32No, I'm not.
00:19:33Night-night.
00:19:34Night-night.
00:19:35God bless.
00:19:36Night-night.
00:19:37God bless.
00:19:39I won't give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:19:41I won't give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:19:42What is it?
00:19:43Three-two-seven-double-four-two-one.
00:19:44Three-two-seven-double-four-two-one.
00:19:45Three-two-seven-double-four-two-one.
00:19:46Three-two-seven-double-four-two-one.
00:19:47I won't give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:19:51What is it?
00:19:52Three-two-seven-double-four-two-one.
00:19:53The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than
00:19:58seven, then two fours, and half of four, which is two, and half of two, which is one.
00:20:03Um.
00:20:04But you mustn't ring me if you don't ring me if you don't ring me.
00:20:06I'm not.
00:20:07I'm not.
00:20:08I'm not.
00:20:09I'm not.
00:20:10I'm not.
00:20:11I'm not.
00:20:12I'm not.
00:20:13I'm not.
00:20:14I'm not.
00:20:15I'm not.
00:20:16I'm not.
00:20:17Three-two-seven-double-four-two-one.
00:20:18Good night.
00:20:19Good night.
00:20:47Good night.
00:20:48Good night.
00:20:49Good night.
00:20:50Good night, honey.
00:20:51Good night.
00:20:52Good night.
00:20:53Good night.
00:20:54I'm not.
00:20:55Good night.
00:20:56Good night.
00:20:57Good night.
00:20:58Good night.
00:20:59Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
00:21:02Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:21:04Oh.
00:21:05We all have a past life flashed before me, then.
00:21:08Can't be Mother's Day.
00:21:11You'd have forgotten.
00:21:14Has there been an eclipse?
00:21:16Mom, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:21What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:24You see, Jeffrey has this theory that by implication...
00:21:27Who's Jeffrey?
00:21:28Of course, Jeffrey knows about these things.
00:21:31These things. Everything.
00:21:33Who's Jeffrey?
00:21:35He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:37See, Jeffrey's idea...
00:21:39Bella, who's Jeffrey?
00:21:42Oh, no one.
00:21:46No one's special.
00:21:52His name's Jeffrey.
00:21:58How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:22:01What Beryl Bird? I told him.
00:22:04Did she, er...
00:22:06Did she, er...
00:22:08What?
00:22:10Wow!
00:22:13She doesn't, then.
00:22:16You don't listen, do you?
00:22:18I said...
00:22:19How about Sandra?
00:22:26Chips.
00:22:28Chums. Sod.
00:22:30Not seeing him tonight, then.
00:22:40Who?
00:22:45I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:47Said he was no one special.
00:22:58Have they got a phone here?
00:23:00Why?
00:23:02They haven't, have they?
00:23:04Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:07If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:10Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:13Are you?
00:23:14No.
00:23:15We'll split after this game.
00:23:16Anything you say.
00:23:17We can go for a few at the King's Head.
00:23:19Great.
00:23:21And that ends our pro...
00:23:22Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:24Hallelujah.
00:23:25Pardon?
00:23:26Pardon?
00:23:27I don't know what you're paying for that phone,
00:23:29but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:31Goodnight.
00:23:32Good night.
00:24:00Morning.
00:24:01Morning.
00:24:02Morning.
00:24:10Chalton for Pope.
00:24:11Long may you reign.
00:24:12Amen.
00:24:15What's going on?
00:24:16Pounds up again.
00:24:18Oh, God.
00:24:20Today's special.
00:24:21Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:23Here.
00:24:24Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:26Except those.
00:24:28Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:32on him.
00:24:33And forchief.
00:24:34Yes.
00:24:35Uh, let's go.
00:24:37This is your choice of course.
00:24:38It's not, O God.
00:24:41No, no, no.
00:24:42You can't hold these.
00:24:43It's not a pleasure.
00:24:45It's not a pleasure.
00:24:46You can't hold it.
00:24:4793 times a day.
00:24:50We never see anything.
00:25:17We're not disturbing your singing, I hope.
00:25:19See Geoffrey on Sunday.
00:25:22Oh, Geoffrey.
00:25:24That Neville's the greatest.
00:25:29Is he dishy or is he dishy?
00:25:34Neville promises he's going to take this dream back and film this.
00:25:36I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:39One date was enough.
00:25:41Why?
00:25:43He's Cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:45Is that bad?
00:25:46Oh, plus...
00:25:48Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:26:00Five.
00:26:02Five, which is...
00:26:04Three and two is five, which is two less than seven.
00:26:08Which is...
00:26:10Oh.
00:26:12I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:16Bank clocks.
00:26:18Your lot.
00:26:20Football supporters.
00:26:22Hippies.
00:26:24Oh. My lot.
00:26:26And the third stroke.
00:26:28It will be 7.22 and 40 seconds.
00:26:36It will be 7.22 and 50 seconds.
00:26:40That's it then.
00:26:42Fate.
00:26:44All over by 7.23 precisely.
00:26:46So what?
00:26:48Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:52PHONE RINGS
00:26:54Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:56Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:58Is that Beryl?
00:27:00Yes.
00:27:01Yes.
00:27:02Yes.
00:27:03Hi.
00:27:04Hi.
00:27:06It's terrifically exciting, isn't it?
00:27:08Getting to know a person.
00:27:10Fantastic.
00:27:12I want to know all about you.
00:27:13That's what it's all about.
00:27:14For example, with things in common already.
00:27:16Definitely.
00:27:26Like what?
00:27:27Fantastic.
00:27:32I want to know all about you.
00:27:35That's what it's all about.
00:27:39For example, with things in common already.
00:27:42Definitely.
00:27:45About what?
00:27:49We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:52Right.
00:27:54And we're both from Manchester.
00:27:58Have you ever been abroad?
00:28:02No.
00:28:04Have you?
00:28:05No.
00:28:07Unless you count Istanbul.
00:28:09Istanbul?
00:28:10Was it beyond belief?
00:28:12I don't know. I was only three.
00:28:19Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:22Sometimes.
00:28:24I do.
00:28:26What now?
00:28:29No.
00:28:31Just, just sometimes.
00:28:35Yes, I do.
00:28:39Such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:40In getting to know a person.
00:28:43Hmm.
00:28:49He was lithe and easy-limbed, his stride quietly casual, his eyes clear and confident, and his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:02You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin.
00:29:06You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin. Really? You know, lopsided.
00:29:12I don't think I have.
00:29:13It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:14See?
00:29:15Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot. He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:28It must be marvellous being a man.
00:29:33It's OK, I suppose.
00:29:35Men can do anything.
00:29:37Conquer Everest.
00:29:38Do heart transplants.
00:29:40Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:43Anything!
00:29:44Geoffrey, N-O spells no.
00:29:55It's good for your circulation, Beryl. Read any women's magazine. It's good for theirs, too.
00:30:01I'm not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:30:04I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:30:07All Saturdays.
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:11Oh, Beryl.
00:30:16Oh, Geoffrey Bobblesbomble.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:19Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:21Oh, Beryl!
00:30:23Are you all right? What exactly happened? Don't tell me.
00:30:26I just had a sharp achak of dramatic irony.
00:30:28Pardon?
00:30:35Come back. They're better.
00:30:36It's better. I'm OK.
00:30:41I told you. It's going to pour.
00:30:43It's not.
00:30:47Urgh.
00:30:51It's only the angels crying.
00:30:55I know how they feel.
00:30:57Well, don't blame me. I haven't done anything.
00:31:00That's true.
00:31:01That's not true, Beryl. I have apologised.
00:31:06I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:31:09Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:31:12It must be a bad line. I can't hear you.
00:31:15You'd better apologise again.
00:31:18I apologise again.
00:31:20Gosh, this lousy line.
00:31:23I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:28Pardon?
00:31:30Pardon?
00:31:32Is that who I think it is?
00:31:34No, dear.
00:31:35Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:51Sardine sandwich.
00:31:53Is it all sardine?
00:31:54Yeah.
00:31:56She's got her own trawler.
00:31:57What?
00:31:58I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:31:59What's happening in the world?
00:32:00I blame the politicians.
00:32:02What for?
00:32:03For what's happening in the world.
00:32:05Talk to her.
00:32:07I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:09Tasty.
00:32:11They're in oil.
00:32:13They're nice in oil.
00:32:14She's got a bad leg.
00:32:18The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:20Oh, I have this little baker down the road.
00:32:21He does something with the bleach.
00:32:24Yes.
00:32:26They're in oil.
00:32:27They're nice in oil.
00:32:28She's got a bad leg.
00:32:30The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:32Oh, I have this little baker down the road.
00:32:35He does something with the bleach.
00:32:40Yes.
00:32:46I can't do long conversations about sardine sandwiches.
00:32:49Mine goes blank.
00:32:51Start thinking about life after death.
00:33:01Ooh, that Neville, honestly.
00:33:04Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:33:06Every girl in Manchester, nearly.
00:33:09Geoffrey definitely has.
00:33:11Probably even more.
00:33:13Air hostesses.
00:33:16All sorts.
00:33:18Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:20I haven't had one yet.
00:33:22White men speak with forked tongue.
00:33:25Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:33Wow, is that the time?
00:33:34At this moment in time.
00:33:36What have I done?
00:33:37Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:40Not in the slightest.
00:33:42You're lucky.
00:33:43Why, it's Geoffrey.
00:33:45Wow.
00:33:47You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:49Of course not.
00:33:51Why should I be?
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey.
00:33:53Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:58Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:03Who needs drama?
00:34:04So I shouted back at her.
00:34:08No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:10In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:14He thumped you.
00:34:16Walloped you on.
00:34:18No.
00:34:19I said nearly.
00:34:23You never thump me, will you?
00:34:25Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:27She adores it.
00:34:28Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:34Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:37It isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38He used to talk to me.
00:34:40All right, let's talk.
00:34:46Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:49Why, is your mum going out?
00:34:50May as well pack in, really.
00:34:57Why?
00:34:59Why not?
00:35:02Good thinking.
00:35:10Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too, it was real.
00:35:14It's psychedelic.
00:35:15You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:17We're scratched anyway.
00:35:20It's been aghast.
00:35:21Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:28It's been aghast.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:40You're well-read, Beryl.
00:35:41There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:50Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:53You know you can't do it.
00:36:00You'll never thong me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:03Ow!
00:36:04Beryl, I've just had the most super idea.
00:36:07Are we going to put it up?
00:36:08No.
00:36:09We're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that.
00:36:11Please don't say that.
00:36:12That.
00:36:15Sandra.
00:36:16Sandra.
00:36:18You're Sandra.
00:36:19Mine.
00:36:23Two months.
00:36:24Two months, nine days.
00:36:28Is she positive?
00:36:30The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:34Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations.
00:36:40I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:48Totally.
00:36:49Hold on.
00:36:50Oh, okay.
00:36:50Hold on.
00:36:51Julie.
00:36:51Let's go.
00:37:21Let's go.
00:37:51Let's go.
00:37:53Yeah.
00:37:55And you're...
00:37:57That's right.
00:37:59Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:01I'm meeting my parents.
00:38:03Taking them to see Fiddle on the roof.
00:38:05That's pretty incredible.
00:38:07Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:09Oh, hell no.
00:38:11That's tomorrow.
00:38:13If I'm in the mood.
00:38:15Where you are.
00:38:17Depends where you take me.
00:38:21All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:31Roland.
00:38:32Roland.
00:38:33Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:37It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:39And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:43Didn't she tell you?
00:38:45I don't work there anymore.
00:38:47I packed her in.
00:38:49What?
00:38:51Did she turn you off?
00:38:55Beryl?
00:38:57Her.
00:38:58I haven't really looked.
00:38:59You've seen one, you've seen them all.
00:39:01Not quite all.
00:39:03I'll go and get my coat.
00:39:05Looks to be my birthday.
00:39:07Boys aren't the only thing in life Beryl.
00:39:09I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:11You've seen them all.
00:39:13I haven't really looked.
00:39:15Seen one, you've seen them all.
00:39:17Not quite all.
00:39:19I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:21I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:23It looks to be my birthday.
00:39:27Boys aren't the only thing in life Beryl.
00:39:31I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Filth.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:43Oh, you were terrific on the bus.
00:39:46Was I?
00:39:49Terrific self-control.
00:39:53Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:02I happen to be interested in having early nights
00:40:04and writing poetry in bed with my mo-felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink. I used it for my laundry list.
00:40:10My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm. Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please. Mmm, don't.
00:40:18Please. You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:28It is me birthday.
00:40:37What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:40I don't believe that question.
00:40:42You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:45I was 11 years old.
00:40:47He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:49Oh, my gosh.
00:41:14what's your name again what's yours rock that's not your real name no Steven
00:41:27God that turns me on
00:41:31when I first met you in the street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat
00:41:42shows you the art of conversation ain't dead
00:41:45don't move a muscle however gorgeous
00:42:12testing testing oh Jeffrey Milleharp returns to the day I wish you everything you've ever wished
00:42:24yourself
00:42:39I'm fed up
00:42:43who are you
00:42:46who are you
00:42:47what are you fed up about
00:42:50teachers don't have to do homework
00:42:53no
00:42:54they just mark it
00:42:56anyone can mark it
00:42:59they've got the answers
00:43:00do you know it's after two o'clock
00:43:08what's he doing here then
00:43:09well
00:43:12this is your uncle Steven
00:43:15this is my revolting brother Jeremy
00:43:19how do you do
00:43:23don't me mum and dad know he's here
00:43:25Jeremy bed
00:43:26I could always wake them up and tell them
00:43:28Jeremy
00:43:29little boys need sleep
00:43:33even big astronauts
00:43:36do you know where babies come from
00:43:39do you
00:43:42say no
00:43:44no
00:43:44I do
00:43:45say yes
00:43:46shall I tell you
00:43:47he knows
00:43:48the man has this male organ
00:43:50and some blood cells
00:43:52and erectile glands
00:43:53and there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has as well
00:43:58and they go through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has
00:44:02who told you that
00:44:04then they go to the fallopian tubes after that
00:44:07one of them fertilizes with the female egg
00:44:09the others don't bother
00:44:11anyway that's what you have to do
00:44:13then you have a baby
00:44:15did they teach you that at school
00:44:18they do woodwork in the next class
00:44:20people can only make babies at certain times of the year
00:44:24but animals like dogs and cats and giraffes I think
00:44:28do it all the time
00:44:29no
00:44:32that's people
00:44:34what is
00:44:36well
00:44:39people do it all the time
00:44:41whenever they feel like it
00:44:46in the next class
00:44:51you can do metal work
00:44:52if you don't like woodwork
00:44:53good night Jeremy
00:44:5625p
00:44:5950
00:45:0050
00:45:03good night uncle Stephen
00:45:14would you care for a government health warning
00:45:31hey Veronica
00:45:35yes
00:45:36who the hell's uncle Stephen at 10 past 2 in the morning
00:45:39a friend of Jeremy's
00:45:41he's going now
00:45:42good night love
00:45:45we would have done that wouldn't we
00:45:49and how
00:45:50you can't win them all can you
00:45:56anyway
00:45:57do you good going without for a change
00:45:59tomorrow's another day
00:46:07tomorrow's another day
00:46:11shh
00:46:12not unless you happen to be in Plymouth
00:46:14where
00:46:16I'm joining the Wrens for three years
00:46:18what Wrens
00:46:21the Royal Navy's Wrens
00:46:23this time tomorrow I'll be in barracks
00:46:28with about 50 other girls
00:46:29and 30,000 sailors
00:46:30hope I like it
00:46:32thanks for nearly everything
00:46:39we definitely would have done
00:46:42wouldn't we
00:46:42well obviously
00:46:43we're as good as dead
00:46:45in a way really
00:46:46almost
00:46:47just keep telling yourself
00:46:49and we will have
00:46:50only better
00:46:51good night love
00:46:53to our barrel
00:46:55morning
00:47:18previous generation
00:47:19what's for breakfast
00:47:27you knew it was your mother's birthday
00:47:33now what we'd like to know
00:47:34is where were you
00:47:35while we were fiddling
00:47:36on the flaming roof
00:47:37I'm sorry mum
00:47:38I'll take you out another night
00:47:40something cropped up
00:47:41like what
00:47:42dad
00:47:44you understand
00:47:45I don't Jeffrey
00:47:48well you always say you do
00:47:50Jeffrey
00:47:52you're at it every night
00:47:53yes dad
00:47:55and we don't complain
00:47:56no dad
00:47:56but last night was different
00:47:58I knew you'd understand
00:48:00hello
00:48:09and
00:48:18I'm a man.
00:48:20I'm a man.
00:48:22I'm a man.
00:48:24I'm a man.
00:48:26I'm a man.
00:48:28I'm a man.
00:48:30I'm a man.
00:48:32I'm a man.
00:48:34What's going on?
00:48:36Pound's down again.
00:48:38Up and down like a pair of knickers.
00:48:40You should know.
00:48:42Or me.
00:48:44You know what I mean?
00:48:46Wow.
00:48:48A lot.
00:48:50Including action replays in slow motion.
00:48:56Hey lads, I picked up a bit of spare last night.
00:48:58Who didn't?
00:49:00No, it's true.
00:49:02Yes, Jeffrey.
00:49:04It is.
00:49:06Yes, Jeffrey.
00:49:12Bloody is.
00:49:14Poor Jeffrey.
00:49:16Beryl, please.
00:49:18It's Neville's engagement party as well.
00:49:20You had to invite him.
00:49:22He'll see me.
00:49:23It's cruel.
00:49:24He'll see other girls.
00:49:26I shan't take him back, Sandra.
00:49:30I shan't.
00:49:31It's been two weeks.
00:49:32He may have got over you by now.
00:49:34Don't know much about men, do you, love?
00:49:38It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:49:40Finally splitting up.
00:49:42He only had one ambition in life.
00:49:44Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:49:46It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:49:48Finally splitting up.
00:49:50He only had one ambition in life.
00:49:52Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:49:54Good job she hasn't joined the Wrens.
00:49:56The entire Navy had gone strike.
00:49:58I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:00Oh, I'm sorry.
00:50:02It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:50:04It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:50:06Finally splitting up.
00:50:08He only had one ambition in life.
00:50:10Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:50:12Good job she hasn't joined the Wrens.
00:50:17The entire Navy had gone strike.
00:50:20I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:22I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:26She might have changed, of course.
00:50:28If she has, I might let her have the old orgy now and again.
00:50:32He's got to accept we've finally split up.
00:50:35Otherwise, I definitely won't take him back.
00:50:38Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:50:43At least I've got me pride.
00:50:46I left with Beryl, baby.
00:50:49Oh, hi.
00:50:50Didn't see you.
00:50:51No, nor me.
00:50:53And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on, then?
00:50:56United.
00:50:57We're winning every game now.
00:50:59Oh, good.
00:51:01And what's new with Geoffrey, then?
00:51:08I asked you what was new with you.
00:51:11I asked you.
00:51:16Did you?
00:51:17Need I say more?
00:51:19Pardon?
00:51:20And how's Beryl, baby, getting on, then?
00:51:23Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl, baby.
00:51:27It isn't like you.
00:51:29Say that again.
00:51:30Beryl, baby.
00:51:33What's your name, handsome?
00:51:35You'll laugh.
00:51:37Everybody laughs.
00:51:38It's the story of my life.
00:51:40You tell it like it is, Chuck.
00:51:50She's putting on an axe.
00:51:52What do you care?
00:51:54I don't have a baby.
00:52:02Is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:06Probably.
00:52:10Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days.
00:52:13Well, it's very exhausting.
00:52:16What is?
00:52:19Working in a bank.
00:52:20Oh.
00:52:24I had this bad scene, this chick, and decided to split.
00:52:33So I cut out, man, like there's no tomorrow.
00:52:39This cat gets it together where he's at, man.
00:52:44Lots of beautiful bags, baby.
00:52:47So if you want a piece of the action, don't cool it.
00:52:51I'm sorry.
00:52:52I don't understand English.
00:52:57Gesundheit.
00:52:58I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one.
00:53:00She has.
00:53:01And which is her husband?
00:53:02Neither.
00:53:04Neither.
00:53:05It's warming up, isn't it?
00:53:06Great beat, isn't it?
00:53:07Great beat, isn't it?
00:53:08Great to dance to.
00:53:09Great to dance to.
00:53:15Do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:16No.
00:53:17No.
00:53:18No.
00:53:19No.
00:53:20No.
00:53:21No.
00:53:22No.
00:53:23No.
00:53:24No.
00:53:25No.
00:53:26No.
00:53:27No.
00:53:28No.
00:53:29No.
00:53:30No.
00:53:31No.
00:53:32No.
00:53:33No.
00:53:34No.
00:53:35No.
00:53:36No.
00:53:37No.
00:53:38No.
00:53:39No.
00:53:41Do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:42Pardon?
00:53:43If so, what's death?
00:53:46Erm...
00:53:47A banana.
00:53:52Yes, I expect it is, when you think about it.
00:53:55Have you read Schopenhauer's concept of existence?
00:54:00Erm...
00:54:02No.
00:54:03But I've seen the film...
00:54:05You married?
00:54:07No.
00:54:09Grab yourself an adage.
00:54:11Marriage is a cabbage.
00:54:13Are you a poet?
00:54:15Never ask the questions.
00:54:17Ask the answers.
00:54:19You are a poet.
00:54:21To any manager,
00:54:23Marks and Spencers.
00:54:25Good job.
00:54:27I really dirt you.
00:54:29Now he's taking his clothes off.
00:54:33What's on ITV?
00:54:35This.
00:54:37What's on BBC?
00:54:41Cassinova.
00:54:43What's that like?
00:54:45This.
00:54:47Oh, come on now.
00:54:49You know that's not where it's at.
00:54:51Let's get this...
00:54:53What's the word?
00:54:55Let's get it clear.
00:54:57Let's get down to the real nitty grittiesville.
00:54:59Okay?
00:55:03What's the word?
00:55:05What's the word?
00:55:07What's the word?
00:55:09Women's lip is not about burning brass.
00:55:11Papers, yeah.
00:55:13What papers?
00:55:15A marriage certificate.
00:55:17A dog's license.
00:55:19Whatever you prefer to call it.
00:55:21Look, let's be basic about this, Enid.
00:55:23All girls want marriage.
00:55:25And a white wedding.
00:55:27Really basic.
00:55:29Bulls.
00:55:31Grass?
00:55:33Enid.
00:55:35When Sandra says every girl, she means most girls.
00:55:37Well, like herself.
00:55:39Not me, of course, because I incredibly value my independence.
00:55:41But most girls definitely want...
00:55:43Bulls!
00:55:45If you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to...
00:55:47I'm not recourse to anything.
00:55:49I'm merely telling you what girls want.
00:55:51Bulls!
00:55:53Would you please stop saying that?
00:55:55You believe in free love, right?
00:55:57Wrong!
00:55:58I believe in free everything.
00:55:59Freedom from all male chauvinist pig domination.
00:56:01Honestly, don't you understand?
00:56:03Excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:05If we're liberating society for the future, I'm sure.
00:56:07No, thank you.
00:56:08Excuse me.
00:56:09Excuse me.
00:56:10You've got your hand on me.
00:56:11No!
00:56:12Ah!
00:56:13Oh, sorry.
00:56:14Well, I'm sorry.
00:56:15It's all right.
00:56:16Oh, gee.
00:56:17It's a pleasure.
00:56:18Grass?
00:56:19Geoffrey, you've not to.
00:56:20Why not?
00:56:21I said don't.
00:56:22You're not to smoke it.
00:56:24Oh, wow.
00:56:25We're as liberated as you, Enid.
00:56:26We've equal importance as individuals.
00:56:27Neither of us is boss.
00:56:28It just doesn't arise.
00:56:29We'll make some coffee, kid.
00:56:30Yes.
00:56:31You see, what we believe is...
00:56:32Now!
00:56:33No!
00:56:34No!
00:56:35No!
00:56:36No!
00:56:37No!
00:56:38No!
00:56:39No!
00:56:40No!
00:56:41No!
00:56:42No!
00:56:43No!
00:56:44No!
00:56:45No!
00:56:46No!
00:56:47No!
00:56:48No!
00:56:49No!
00:56:50No!
00:56:51No!
00:56:52You see...
00:56:55Where are one?
00:56:57I can see, there's only one way to get through.
00:57:04What are you doing?
00:57:05Lighting everybody's fire.
00:57:07Burn my bra.
00:57:13Right!
00:57:14That's it.
00:57:16Finished!
00:57:17The end!
00:57:18Full stop!
00:57:19end full stop we finally split up Neville Sandra wants you I should imagine sad
00:57:29isn't it pathetic well I can't follow plays these days it's just showing real
00:57:42life that's all I once thought I'd found her perfect girl red hair not too skinny very gentle and shy
00:57:59passionate when roused she packed me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick you're very sweet
00:58:10I've always thought you were did you know you're very nearly have a lopsided grin it's just I'm a bit tired
00:58:40I don't think I've washed that one oh
00:58:50do you know what girl she can ask me anything do you know where Jeffrey's got to
00:59:01he's upstairs I think
00:59:05is it true they're dry on their own
00:59:13usually
00:59:16I hate to be any trouble but I think I'm dying
00:59:25he'll be all right honest she said I shouldn't smoke it who she said
00:59:31Jeffrey
00:59:35Jeffrey
00:59:39sorry
00:59:45Jeffrey
00:59:53move up a bit Jeffrey put your legs
01:00:00that's better
01:00:02it's because it's your first time isn't it
01:00:07call dr. wise per quillms low road
01:00:17it wasn't marijuana you know
01:00:23what was it then
01:00:27grass
01:00:28grass is marijuana
01:00:31this grass wasn't
01:00:34it was the real thing
01:00:37from the front lawn
01:00:40that you Beryl
01:00:50had a nice time
01:00:56even though it's three o'clock in the morning
01:00:59not that I mind
01:01:01if you've had a nice time
01:01:03even though I've been in bed since ten
01:01:05having a good night's worry
01:01:06did you see Jeffrey
01:01:09that's good
01:01:14do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard
01:01:35I didn't try at all
01:01:38gave it to rest
01:01:40I'm right off
01:01:44birds
01:01:45I am
01:01:47I am
01:01:48for good
01:01:50me too
01:01:52and me
01:01:54good morning
01:02:14your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel
01:02:17good night
01:02:18good night
01:02:47thank you
01:03:07oh Beryl
01:03:09Beryl
01:03:11Geoffrey
01:03:16Geoffrey.
01:03:18Can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:24Oh, Beryl.
01:03:28Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:30Oh, God.
01:03:42Hello.
01:03:44Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:47Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:50You're a bugger.
01:03:54I don't know who he takes after.
01:04:03Hello?
01:04:04It's me.
01:04:05Who?
01:04:06My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:08Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:10I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:12If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in.
01:04:15Tonight or any other night.
01:04:17Anyway, tonight I'm helping my mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:20It's a small world.
01:04:21You give me a good man.
01:04:22It's a small world.
01:04:24I think she's a little more than you ever said.
01:04:26That's all.
01:04:27Good evening, Mrs. Battersby. I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:57Oh? Probably this one. Definitely. Magic in satin. Oh, certainly, Geoffrey. Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:11You'd like some nice fancy wrapping paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:17I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here. I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:23Beryl, listen. If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jockstrap.
01:05:26Beryl, listen. Can I help you, madam? Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:30No, madam. I'll leave it then.
01:05:40Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter.
01:05:45What doesn't?
01:05:46You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:47Wouldn't what?
01:05:48Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:52Me? A football match? With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:58Told you.
01:06:00Who are they playing?
01:06:01Huddersfield Town.
01:06:08In the cot?
01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:16The...
01:06:17The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:20Shows you.
01:06:23Away from home,
01:06:25they've won three,
01:06:26drawn five
01:06:27and lost twelve.
01:06:29Drawn five.
01:06:34So what do you think?
01:06:37I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38Yeah.
01:06:38Never mind. It's only a game.
01:06:51I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:06:54Never mind. It's only a game.
01:07:05I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:24We live in a permissive society, Beryl.
01:07:26Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:33You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down
01:07:36every time I stand up,
01:07:37even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes, well, uh,
01:07:41boys are very safe.
01:07:42And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:47I don't mean, uh,
01:07:48permissive permissive.
01:07:51Let's see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:07:59Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:04What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:07Not too much, I hope.
01:08:09Oh, God.
01:08:10Boys are very funny.
01:08:12They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:18Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:23Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:32Fantastic.
01:08:37The Cowgills.
01:08:40Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:42Married couple.
01:08:45Newlyweds.
01:08:46Not long married.
01:08:47You go bald doing that.
01:08:51Doing what?
01:09:04I'll tell you, 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains.
01:09:09Living in sin.
01:09:10Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:21If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano,
01:09:25would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:31A barrel would.
01:09:35Giving you a bad time, is she?
01:09:36Oh, I wouldn't say that.
01:09:43I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:46What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person
01:09:51without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:53I never said you were.
01:09:54You think it.
01:09:55All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:10I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage?
01:10:16Never.
01:10:19Well, until I am.
01:10:20If I ever do.
01:10:22Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:23For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:31No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:38Sorry.
01:10:40No-one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:44Not yet.
01:10:50What are you staring at?
01:10:51Hello?
01:10:56You all right, son?
01:10:57Terrific.
01:10:58Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then?
01:11:01Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:11:04Hmm.
01:11:05My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:08Oh.
01:11:09What's your theory?
01:11:11Indigestion.
01:11:11Oh.
01:11:14What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:17Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:19He has said one thing.
01:11:21Oh, what's that?
01:11:22If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks.
01:11:24All right.
01:11:27The weeks and months drag by, and with neither side willing to compromise, we still have deadlock.
01:11:34Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:40Another wild night learning what N.O. spells and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:44And what N.O. spells.
01:11:46And what N.O. spells.
01:11:48Great.
01:11:49I might as well go bald and open my own monastery.
01:11:51And so, society, that's you and me, says, end this dispute.
01:11:58End it now.
01:12:00Good night.
01:12:01Hear, hear.
01:12:03Good, weren't I?
01:12:04Triffic.
01:12:05Especially when he said good night.
01:12:08We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:10Having a good time.
01:12:12Just having fun.
01:12:14Being happy.
01:12:15Take two a day, after meals, and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again in the middle of a zebra crossing, for no reason at all.
01:12:27You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:33That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:38Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:45Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?
01:12:53You join a marriage bureau, and I'll get a job on the stage, twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:58Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:59Right?
01:13:00Right.
01:13:01Good Jesus Christ, superstar.
01:13:03Amen.
01:13:05Oh, hell.
01:13:07Hands up again.
01:13:08See you tomorrow.
01:13:10Where do you think you're going?
01:13:15Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:18It's important.
01:13:21What is?
01:13:24I keep asking you, what is?
01:13:28What is?
01:13:30To be on our own.
01:13:32What?
01:13:34So as we can talk.
01:13:36What?
01:13:37That old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:47The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.
01:13:51Last night, I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United, and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:56Grace who?
01:13:57She was playing for United as well.
01:14:00Weird, isn't it?
01:14:01The main thing is, we do communicate.
01:14:14Oh, we do.
01:14:24See, what face do I want you?
01:14:25See, what I think?
01:14:26Go on.
01:14:27No, you.
01:14:27Mine wasn't important.
01:14:30No, mine wasn't.
01:14:41Beryl?
01:14:45Are you...
01:14:46happy?
01:14:49Of course.
01:14:51Very.
01:14:53I am.
01:14:54No-one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:15:01No.
01:15:03I'm not.
01:15:08Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:17Probably.
01:15:18I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:22Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:38Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:42No.
01:15:43I don't think so.
01:15:44Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is...
01:15:47If there isn't...
01:15:47You just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:49If there isn't anything, honest.
01:15:50Good.
01:15:54It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It'd just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:16:03Like, you know,
01:16:06crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13Well, if I did, I'd stop to please you.
01:16:20I see.
01:16:25There's no need to be sensitive, Jeffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:33Your mother.
01:16:34Pardon?
01:16:34I like your mother.
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Jeffrey.
01:16:37Hand her lampshades.
01:16:37Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:42Well, you ought to know.
01:16:43You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:45Anything else at random?
01:16:47You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridget Bardot.
01:16:51According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez,
01:16:53she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:54Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford
01:16:57can tell the difference between Bridget Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:02I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:04You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:05I am.
01:17:06Start slimming.
01:17:07Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:09If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:11You always succeed in getting back to Percy Philz in the end, don't you?
01:17:14Always.
01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:16You do.
01:17:16I always fail.
01:17:18Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:20The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells.
01:17:26Especially for the 600th time.
01:17:28That they really dig.
01:17:29You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:32Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really lovable.
01:17:39I never knew you thought that.
01:17:42Neither did I.
01:17:44Do now, though.
01:17:45I used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:59I used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:05There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:07Thinking what I'm thinking?
01:18:33I think so.
01:18:34We just don't like each other.
01:18:38At all.
01:18:51Oh, goodbye, then.
01:18:53Good luck.
01:18:55Peace, man.
01:18:56St. Anne's Square.
01:19:01St. Anne's Square, please.
01:19:13So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits.
01:19:18And what else do I need?
01:19:22Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:24A teething ring?
01:19:26Wedding ring?
01:19:27Of course.
01:19:29Oh, they have gorgeous plans in the shops these days.
01:19:32No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:35Oh, sorry.
01:19:37What about?
01:19:38Skip it.
01:19:40About time, too.
01:19:42With her sympathy.
01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:45I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:47But she doesn't know that.
01:19:49If I'm looking miserable, Sandra,
01:19:51it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:54Yeah.
01:19:58We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:59Of course we do.
01:20:00How to pop the pink without going in and off.
01:20:08Ace.
01:20:11She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:13I won't tell you where.
01:20:17A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:20Wow.
01:20:24Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:26No spells no.
01:20:28Super day for it.
01:20:33Hmm.
01:20:33Sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:36Well, Sandra.
01:20:38This is it.
01:20:39Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:42Yep.
01:20:43Coming to the crotch.
01:20:44Crunch.
01:20:46I dare say it'll hardly break me heart in the slightest,
01:20:49seeing him again.
01:20:51You mustn't think I'll be crying inside,
01:20:52because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:55And what's more, no one will know that I am.
01:20:58Because I shan't.
01:20:59Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:08It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:16And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:18Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:21Fine.
01:21:22Is this fine enough?
01:21:23Here?
01:21:23About there, lovely.
01:21:25You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:28Wow.
01:21:28Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:30Whew.
01:21:32Ow!
01:21:33Oh, sorry.
01:21:36That's right.
01:21:37Hold it.
01:21:38Lovely.
01:21:40Right, now, a nice family group of the parents, please.
01:21:43Funny.
01:21:44I remember the Friday lunchtime we first met.
01:21:48How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:53Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:55That's it.
01:21:55Hold it like that.
01:21:56It's all over now, by the salmon salad.
01:22:02It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:12See, President Nick, somewhere to China, then?
01:22:15That was before we ever met.
01:22:17I know.
01:22:18Why, has something happened about it?
01:22:20No.
01:22:21Oh?
01:22:22Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:24Hmm.
01:22:24Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going
01:22:31to the moon.
01:22:33Nixon?
01:22:34Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:46We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:50Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:52Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're broken-hearted.
01:23:01We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:03My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it, myself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Aw.
01:23:14I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:16I hope not.
01:23:17It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:19I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:26Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:28And we've learned a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:35Fantastic.
01:23:36For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:41I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:46In bed a bit.
01:23:47And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol and marry her three days later.
01:23:59We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:02I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:08Where's she going?
01:24:09Hospital.
01:24:13Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:46hello mrs. Battersby. you won't remember me. good afternoon Jeffrey. is Beryl there
01:25:07please? she's gone to the football match. there is no football. it's cricket now.
01:25:14well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:39hi! that's the kickoff.
01:25:43in about three months. football season's over now, Beryl. what on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:51I forgot. I'm not all that interested these days. where will you go now then?
01:25:59I don't know. I could always go inside and practice booing for next season.
01:26:07where will you? might go and get a new pair of tights. hey, it's like the countryside,
01:26:15isn't it, when it's empty? fancy a stroll in the country? may as well. if you like. don't mind. why not?
01:26:23just as friends. oh, i meant just as friends. yeah, i did.
01:26:35wish we had a ball.
01:26:37you could play shooting in. you could go in goal.
01:26:49amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:26:51well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:05well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:19we'll be even happier with someone else. anyone, really.
01:27:34there's millions to choose from.
01:27:35all nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:41you'll find someone, jeffrey.
01:27:44you will, Beryl.
01:27:46just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:49picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:05you will, Beryl.
01:28:08you will, Beryl.
01:28:14you will, Beryl.
01:28:16you will, Beryl.
01:28:29and you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's dark
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:56Love and rainy weather
01:29:03Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's dark
01:29:12Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:22Love and rainy weather
01:29:33We'll see you in the eye
01:29:50in the eye
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