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00:00:00You have to be honest with yourself about why are you still here? Why are you holding on?
00:00:03What's really driving you? You don't feel like starting the process over with somebody else,
00:00:08so even though you're not feeling it with him, you're wasting your time.
00:00:11The best-selling author and host.
00:00:12The number one health and wellness podcast.
00:00:15On Purpose with Jay Shetty.
00:00:18What are the signs that someone deeply loves you? Because I feel like we live in this world where
00:00:25we're always wondering, do they love me? Do they like me? Do they really like me? Are they really
00:00:31into me? How do you know when you deeply love someone and when someone deeply loves you? How
00:00:36do you even know? So I'm going to start with an answer that people probably won't expect.
00:00:41To me, the first key is, do you truly love them? Because look at it like this. To me,
00:00:48a lot of people get caught up in infatuation. They have unhealthy attachments. They have different
00:00:54motivations to why they decided this is the person that I want. And that can make them feel like
00:00:59they're in love. But to me, true love flows both ways. It's not a one-sided thing. So, when you can
00:01:06say, I'm not into them like that. If we look deep into that situation, I can almost guarantee what
00:01:12we'll find is infatuation, attachment, something else. But when you can say, no, I feel it too.
00:01:19I'm deeply in love with them. I think that's your first key. Because without that, nothing else
00:01:25matters. Because a lot of people are choosing partners based off of, well, they love me so much
00:01:30so I assume it's safe here and this is a good choice to make. But the safe choice is usually
00:01:35the wrong choice. And a lot of these people select this individual thinking everything's going to be
00:01:40okay. But because you're not really into them, you can never be what they need. And they were never
00:01:45truly what you needed, which is why you never even got to that level with them. So, to choose them
00:01:50without first evaluating do you truly love them would not be wise. Yeah, that's a great question.
00:01:57And I think people struggle with that question too because I think we think of love as so many
00:02:04different things wrapped into one. For example, I could think I love someone because of how they
00:02:10treat me. I could think I love someone because they have one quality that I really wish I had.
00:02:17Or I could love someone because I think that they're out of my league and they give me a bit
00:02:24of attention. And so, what we think is love is so complex and so wide that we never stop to ask
00:02:32ourselves, like, what does love mean? Like, what's the definition of love? Like, how do I define love?
00:02:38So, how do you define love? And how do you encourage other people to create their definitions
00:02:43of love? Well, for me, first off is always God is love. And then when we take it from there,
00:02:49love is about kindness, compassion, patience, understanding, a willingness to be selfless and
00:02:56pour into that individual. But I think what's also important for people to understand is when we're
00:03:01trying to apply it to romantic relationships, we have to understand that there's other ingredients
00:03:07that are necessary before we can move forward. So, you could love someone dearly, but if they are not
00:03:13emotionally ready because maybe they haven't healed from their past, maybe there's still some things
00:03:18that need to work out in their life, then it wouldn't be time to move forward in a relationship
00:03:22with them. And we have this bad habit of the minute we feel like there's love there, we want to move
00:03:28forward. Exactly. And as you mentioned, we can get caught up sometimes in, well, we love them
00:03:32because of what they do for us. But what are you prepared to do for them? Love is about giving,
00:03:38all right. So, we have to ask ourselves, okay, do we know what their needs are? Are we willing to
00:03:43fulfill those needs? Because if not, maybe this wasn't love. Maybe it just felt good in the moment,
00:03:48maybe you got caught up in the hype. And that's okay, it happens to almost all of us if not all of
00:03:53us at some point in life. But we have to just be very clear with ourselves about what's really
00:03:58driving the intention right now. But I think all those things I mentioned is what encompasses love.
00:04:05And that's like the foundation of it. And then from there, we have to look at some other things
00:04:10to see how we can move forward. So many times, like, you convince yourself something's love.
00:04:16And what I find really interesting is that so many people fall in love too fast. And no one wants to go
00:04:22for the slow, patient, understanding love, which is what love requires. You just said love is kind,
00:04:29love is patient, love is understanding. Those things take time.
00:04:33I think those things take time to nurture and to make sure that we're doing it correctly for each
00:04:40other. So, it's about learning each other's love languages and how we make it work within that
00:04:45dynamic. I think also because so many people are not used to dealing with emotions on that level,
00:04:51being that vulnerable, people mishandle it, all right. So, it takes time for us to get to a place
00:04:57so we understand how to manage this and work through this. However, I think that I'm a huge believer
00:05:03in connection. And I believe connection is like your spirit recognizing its match. And it's very
00:05:08instant. When you speak to couples who said they experienced a connection, they'll tell you first
00:05:13conversation, first time meeting, first date, first week, it was pretty fast. So, to me, the recognizing
00:05:21of something deeper being here can happen very quickly. But how we now cultivate that and how
00:05:28we move forward is where we need to take our time and make sure we're not rushing and overlooking
00:05:33certain important issues that need to be discussed and addressed first.
00:05:37To me, it's the understanding of chemistry versus compatibility and the idea that there needs to be
00:05:44a spark, there needs to be a connection that I feel with someone like you're saying on a deeper
00:05:47level. But I find that, I find that most people are not adept at knowing whether the connection
00:05:55they feel with someone is deeper or physical. Like, I would say that it's easy to, you can often feel
00:06:02a spark with, if you meet a lot of people, you can feel a spark with a lot of people. But that doesn't
00:06:08mean that they're the right person to build a relationship with.
00:06:11Absolutely. So, connection to me is a very rare occurrence. So, I feel that people who've
00:06:16actually experienced it, they can tell you maybe once in their life, if you're lucky, two times
00:06:21maybe, all right. But it's not this thing that happens with everybody. Whereas chemistry, feeling
00:06:27a spark, these things can happen with a lot of different people. So, I do think there's this
00:06:33education that's needed to understand how we differentiate these things so that we don't
00:06:38confuse them. Because I see a lot of people take that chemistry and think, oh, this is it. This
00:06:42is the one. And it's like, but you had chemistry with the last five people. Why is this one the one
00:06:47and not them? So, I do think we have to be careful with that.
00:06:51Yeah. I think so. So, we're on the same page. There's three things. There's connection on the
00:06:55deeper level. There's chemistry, which is like the spark on a more superficial level. And then
00:07:00there's compatibility, which is like what makes it last. And I can relate to that. With my wife,
00:07:06I definitely felt, so I'm one of those people who I kind of knew from the first few moments when I
00:07:12met my wife before she was, my wife was like, I was like, yeah, this is my person. Like I felt that
00:07:17way. Yeah. For sure. I felt that connection. And there was chemistry there too, but it had to be
00:07:23turned into compatibility in order to create a long lasting relationship. We've been together for 10
00:07:27years. We're still learning, building, going through everything, but that was a big part of it. So,
00:07:32that I can get behind. Do you see it that way too, or is there something different in how you see it?
00:07:37Believe it or not, I used to make compatibility the least important, but that was because I was
00:07:43looking at it the wrong way. Once I kind of looked at the definition again and compatibility is about
00:07:49two people coexisting in harmony, then I was like, okay, no, you have to have that. I got caught up
00:07:56more so in like, let's say a dating site says, okay, we're going to decide who's compatible. So,
00:08:01I view compatible as like an on the paper, it looks good. It's supposed to match, but you can have a lot
00:08:07of people who are supposed to be compatible and it doesn't work. Absolutely. So, I think that it's
00:08:11compatibility is that add on. Once we have the connection and the chemistry, now we have to
00:08:17create that harmony, which is the compatibility. Yes, I agree with you. And it is interesting how
00:08:23that word compatibility is thrown around. And you're so right that compatibility on paper doesn't
00:08:30mean compatibility in real life. Exactly. And to me, compatibility really has another word
00:08:37inside of it, which is like adaptability and that deeper understanding of an individual where you know
00:08:47how much you're willing to adapt around certain parts of the relationship. But we'll get to that.
00:08:52I think a lot of people like you know, and that's where we got into this conversation around what
00:08:57is slow. A lot of people are waiting to feel like, is this person wasting my time or are they the one?
00:09:04And so, they don't have a deeper connection. Maybe they had that spark of chemistry and now
00:09:10that's kind of subsided. How do you know if someone's wasting your time? How do you know if
00:09:15you're letting yourself be used or wasted in that way?
00:09:19So, to me again, I think it always starts with self. And you have to be honest with yourself about
00:09:24why are you still here? Why are you holding on? What's really driving you? Because just using an
00:09:30example, let's say you're a woman and the only reason why you're holding on to this guy is because
00:09:35he's a nice guy. You don't feel like starting the process over with somebody else. So, even though
00:09:40you're not feeling it with him, you figure let me try to make it work. You're wasting your time.
00:09:45This is where you're setting yourself up for disaster every single time.
00:09:49So, if it's not born out of a true connection, love, a genuine desire, you really like this
00:09:57individual. Of course, there's always things we have to work through. But is the foundation
00:10:01strong enough for us to say, okay, we can make something special here? And I think once we are
00:10:07honest with ourselves, that kind of helps answer the question. Because sometimes we get so caught up
00:10:12trying to analyze the other individual that it's like we get in our heads and now we're missing the
00:10:17mark on what's really important here. And we can't always say for sure what's going on with them.
00:10:24I will say that in general, if this person isn't willing to talk about things, they're wasting your
00:10:29time. If they're not willing to address or correct things that have been talked about,
00:10:33they're wasting your time. If you guys aren't on the same page about what you want and where you want
00:10:38to go in life, wasting time. So, there are some things I think we can just look at and say, listen,
00:10:43this is pointless here. But a lot of times, and I have to say this especially for women,
00:10:48women's intuition is extremely powerful. I'm a huge believer in it. And I feel like women know
00:10:54very early this isn't it. But they rationalize reasons to convince themselves to give this man a
00:11:00chance. And this again is a waste of time because it just doesn't work. I've seen people
00:11:05turn what should have been maybe a couple weeks of dating into years of being married to someone
00:11:12they were not happy with. All because they did not listen to themselves from the beginning. They
00:11:17knew what it was, but they just could not accept it for what it was. Yeah. And I love that point on
00:11:23intuition. It's almost like when a relationship finally ends, a lot of us think to ourselves,
00:11:28I knew they weren't right for me. Like I knew it. I knew that they weren't the one. But you just
00:11:34didn't listen to that part of yourself. Yes. So let's break it down for people. Let's help people
00:11:39out. We started talking about three very important words, connection, which you defined, chemistry,
00:11:45which we've defined, and compatibility, which we've defined. How do people know the difference
00:11:51between connection and chemistry when they meet someone? Because I find that the science shows
00:11:58that you're experiencing dopamine and cortisol at the same time. So you're experiencing the reward
00:12:05chemical and stress chemical at the same time, which gives you that chemistry feeling, which is
00:12:10the feeling of butterflies in your stomach or like, do they like me? Are they into me? What should I wear?
00:12:15That kind of feeling. But then you're talking about a deeper connection. How do you hear the difference?
00:12:21Because I think a lot of us just get swept up in the feeling of, I'm so into that person. They're so
00:12:27into me. How do you know? So I think one is, are you even being yourself or can you be yourself with
00:12:33this individual? If you're presenting your representative, then this is not a real connection.
00:12:39This is them falling for that person that you're presenting, but that's not real. So to me,
00:12:45you should be already being yourself. But with that person you have a connection with, it's a more
00:12:50natural flow. We don't have to force it. We just feel so much more comfortable around them.
00:12:56I think in addition to that is when you find yourself all caught up in the moment and caught
00:13:02up in that chemistry. Again, you have to ask yourself, what am I really attaching myself to?
00:13:08What do I really like about this individual? What I find is that when it's really about chemistry,
00:13:13we're still on the surface. You don't really know about them yet. You just know you guys had a good
00:13:20time, maybe you had fun at this event. You guys were able to talk about a lot of different things
00:13:24which is great, which is going to also be important if there is a connection. However,
00:13:30do you even know what kind of relationship they want? Do you know what kind of life they want to live?
00:13:35You know, are you guys really on the same page? I think connection is our paths align,
00:13:40our purposes align. So, for us to align we have to have a deeper understanding of where we're headed
00:13:46and can we head there together? So, that's why I think though you may feel it or you may feel like
00:13:53you're feeling it, you have to do your due diligence to dig deeper to find out okay, is this just I got
00:13:59caught up on the surface or there is something real here? And I think once we ask enough questions
00:14:04because I think that's the other big problem. We have this experience where we feel this chemistry,
00:14:09we're so excited and now we're afraid to ask questions because we don't want to blow up the
00:14:14fantasy. Yes.
00:14:15You know what I'm saying? We're just like, no, no, I want to keep believing this is great
00:14:18so let me not ask anything. Let me not run this person away. Let me not rock the boat
00:14:23but that's going to be what tells us if this is real or not.
00:14:26Yes, I think you've hit on something there. Like we're so scared of losing someone
00:14:33that we're okay with not asking important questions and discovering important truths
00:14:40that actually define whether this relationship is going to last.
00:14:44Absolutely.
00:14:44And that is ultimately, going back to your point earlier, that is ultimately you not being yourself.
00:14:50Right? You're losing yourself scared that you're going to lose the other person
00:14:53so you're okay with not being yourself. Do you think it's ever okay? This is a funny question,
00:14:59but I have to ask you because I think it's a healthy discussion. Do you think it's ever okay
00:15:05to present different sides of yourself in order to attract someone? Or do you think that you're
00:15:11ultimately setting yourself up for failure in a relationship? Almost like, I think a lot of people,
00:15:17they may not become someone completely different, but I think a lot of people are like, oh, I'm going
00:15:21to show my smart side because it will attract this person or I'm going to show my this side because
00:15:27they're like that. Are you saying any of that kind of molding is unhealthy or do you think there's
00:15:33room for that?
00:15:33I think anything that is not sustainable is unhealthy. So, look at it as if I'm a man and
00:15:40I'm meeting this woman and I want to impress her. So, I'm like, okay, I'm going to try to spend all
00:15:44my money, take her to a nice five-star restaurant, all these things. But deep inside, I prefer a more
00:15:51simple lifestyle. You know, I don't like all that extra stuff. Okay, that's horrible. That's a
00:15:56for disaster, that's unhealthy. Because you can't sustain what you're presenting to that individual
00:16:01that's going to draw them in. So, whatever it is, another like common example is you'll have women
00:16:07who love to communicate. They want to be able to talk to you every single day. But because they're
00:16:12afraid of coming off a certain kind of way, they'll hold back on their communication. So, now,
00:16:17they'll make it seem like they're okay with talking every now and then, we don't always have to text.
00:16:22And then, this guy falls for that. He falls for this low standard, I don't want to call it low
00:16:28standard, but not having such a high expectation of him when it comes to communication. Then he
00:16:34finally gets with the woman, her true self is going to come out at some point. No one can suppress their
00:16:38true self forever. It comes out and now it's like, what is this? I did not sign up for this. Now,
00:16:44we're fighting, now we're stressed because you want him to call you more? He was used to you not
00:16:49being worried about it so much. That's why it's going to always not work out. So, it's extremely
00:16:54unhealthy unless we're presenting a side of us that is truly us and we can sustain it.
00:17:01You've hit on something again there that at the beginning of relationships, we often display
00:17:07unrealistic standards. And we set those. And then, when things shift and now you're back in reality
00:17:14again, the other person's like, but wait a minute, I thought you were really into me.
00:17:19And I even went through that with my wife. When we first met, I was able to spend pretty much every
00:17:25day with her because I didn't have a job. And so, I was looking for work. I was applying. I would go
00:17:30see her at her college every day and I would spend the day with her. And I'd be in the library applying
00:17:36for jobs while she was studying. Yeah.
00:17:38And I could see her every day. And I think I saw every day, potentially for like six months,
00:17:43maybe every single day, five days a week, at least. And then when I got a job, that wasn't the case
00:17:50because I was at work now. And I'd set this unrealistic expectation that we could see each
00:17:55other all the time. And even in the beginning, I would see her all the time because I'd spend time
00:18:01with her family, but we wouldn't spend time with my family because I hadn't told my family yet.
00:18:05Yeah. And so, now that my family knew, we were trying to split the time. And all of a sudden,
00:18:10it was like, but wait a minute, we used to spend time at my house. And so, even in little things
00:18:15like that, it took a bit of adapting because I'd set a false standard in our relationship.
00:18:21And then thankfully, my wife was adapting and she understood and she got it and it was fine. But
00:18:26I think for so many people, you set unrealistic expectations in who you are.
00:18:30Yes.
00:18:30And that's hard to come back from.
00:18:32Absolutely. And that's why it's so important for us to know who we are
00:18:36so that we can present the real from the jump. You know, because again, a lot of times people,
00:18:41you know, this idea that we're always changing. Yes, I do think we're always evolving.
00:18:46But some of the big shifts that you see, it's not because that's just the way life is. It's because
00:18:52you didn't take the time to figure yourself out first. And then you got with this person and now you
00:18:57want them to adjust. Now, thank God for you, she was able to adjust, but there's a lot of people
00:19:02that they can't handle that. And now everything falls apart from there. And so, that's why, yeah,
00:19:06we have to be very careful with what we're presenting from the beginning.
00:19:09Yeah. I agree with you on that, that we think people change, but actually they just start to
00:19:17understand themselves better. Yes, exactly.
00:19:19Right? It's like, they went from being completely unconscious about who they were. You met an
00:19:24unconscious version of a person and now you think they're changing, but they just became conscious
00:19:30of who they are. Absolutely.
00:19:31And, but the thing is, Stefan, as you know, like society doesn't encourage that time of getting to
00:19:38know yourself, right? When you're young, you're not trained in how to think about who you want to be.
00:19:44You're trained in thinking about what you want to do. It's about your job. It's about your career.
00:19:49You're not thinking about who you are as a human being or as a person. So, how do we in this society
00:19:55where understanding who you are is not clear, it's not encouraged, where does one start or where have
00:20:02you kind of found great insights in trying to discover who we are?
00:20:06I would love to see more parents encouraging their children to explore how they're feeling about
00:20:13who they are. Like, what I have found is a lot of people who... Let's say I had one client where
00:20:19she wanted to be an actress when she was a little kid, but parents kind of pushed in a different
00:20:25direction. Now, she's like a social worker, but her desire is still to be an actress. Like, the things
00:20:29that they wanted to do as an adult now, you can find back in their childhood in a lot of cases.
00:20:36So, I feel like too many people have stifled their children's growth in certain areas with limited
00:20:42ideas of, well, this can't make money or this wouldn't be a good look for the family or whatever
00:20:47the case may be. It's like, no, let them walk in it and see for themselves if that's really where
00:20:52they belong. Outside of that, for me, I think the big thing is getting in tune spiritually. I'm just a
00:20:59huge believer in that I feel like me finding myself was when I went into what I call my wilderness
00:21:04period. I kind of just shut everything off that I was doing because I used to be all over having
00:21:09fun partying all these different things and then God kind of slapped me upside my head and I had to
00:21:15like really pull away from everything and go deeper from within. And it felt like a process of breaking
00:21:20me down to build me right back up. And that's when I start to see things clearer because what I
00:21:25realized is the world is filled with distractions and it's the distractions why we can't see ourselves
00:21:31for who we really are. If we simply shut off the distractions long enough, you will learn a lot.
00:21:37So, even if someone just took a year off, don't worry, you know, limit the TV you're watching,
00:21:44limit the music you're listening to, limit all the internet stuff, just really go deeper within yourself,
00:21:49spend more time alone, spend more time, you know, thinking and processing,
00:21:54you will learn a lot. Because again, a lot of it is, it isn't a problem of we don't know ourselves,
00:21:59we are not aware and we're not willing to accept. And once we allow ourselves to do those two things,
00:22:06become aware and then accept it, we become free. Yeah, I mean, I agree with you. I think that
00:22:11I've always been a big proponent of solitude to understand who you are. Because as soon as you
00:22:16have another person, you now have another person's opinions you have to filter. As soon as you have
00:22:22another person in front of you, you have another person's judgments to filter. And so now you can't
00:22:26even say what you truly think about something because you're constantly thinking, what does
00:22:30that person think about me and my beliefs? And so understanding your beliefs in solitude allows
00:22:38you to be really clear about what your values and beliefs are. And that's what it's there for.
00:22:44I think when people get into if we switch to compatibility, again, the idea we talked about
00:22:50the difference between connection and chemistry, but compatibility is really interesting because a
00:22:55lot of people believe that relationships should be hard, and they require hard work. And a lot of
00:23:02people believe relationships should be easy, and everything should just flow. Where have you kind of
00:23:08discovered your lens on that spectrum? So, okay, there's a couple ways to look at it. I think that
00:23:15most relationships, and I'll even be more specific, most relationships that involve connection and true
00:23:22love are typically hard. Not because relationships have to be hard, but because most people have been
00:23:30hurt by something in their life, are holding on to past traumas, haven't resolved it. Once they meet this
00:23:36individual that they feel so strongly about, it is scary. This is where things get difficult. It's
00:23:43the difficultness in how do I handle this? How do I manage this? You'll have people feel like they're
00:23:48losing themselves, but they're not losing themselves. Their true self is coming out, and it's the self
00:23:54that's been hiding behind that wall they've been using for quote-unquote protection. But I always say the
00:23:59same wall is able to protect you, the same wall is blocking your blessings. So, now they're being pulled from
00:24:04behind it, it makes them feel some kind of way. And again, people start to mishandle things. You also
00:24:10have situations where people are getting bad advice like I'm going to give one example. There's this
00:24:18book called The Game by Neil Strauss, I don't know if you ever read that book. Yeah, Neil's great.
00:24:22Neil, you know, he went into that world to pick up artistry, learned it, and he was great with the women.
00:24:28But then once he found that woman that he fell in love with, all that stuff doesn't work anymore.
00:24:33So, you have a lot of men being taught how to handle women in general, but they don't understand
00:24:38that's not how you handle the woman you truly love. And so now again, you have individuals who though
00:24:43they are truly in love with this person, they constantly mishandle it with bad guidance,
00:24:48with fear, and all these things. This is what makes it hard. And I even think that a lot of times the
00:24:55people who are supposed to be together sometimes will have the hardest time getting together.
00:24:59But I believe that once we're able to conquer that part of it and actually come together it's
00:25:07not hard. Yes, it takes work. I believe we have to be conscious and mindful of how we treat our
00:25:12partners, how we show up, being willing to listen. But I think it's so much easier to do those things
00:25:18with someone you have a connection with and you're truly in love with. It's going to always feel 10 times
00:25:23harder when you're in the wrong relationship. And I would argue the vast majority of people are in
00:25:29the wrong relationship. That's why they're seeing it be so difficult. And when you see this whole it's
00:25:35easy, typically it's easy because you have two people who are not digging deeper. They're trying to
00:25:43ride out that chemistry we talked about earlier for as long as possible, all right. So, yeah,
00:25:48it seems like it's great, it's easy, no issues. But it doesn't really work like that because they're
00:25:54just not facing the reality of the situation. So, I think we have to understand that there is going
00:26:00to be some bumps in the road because of all the things that people have been through. But once we're
00:26:05able to come together and we know this is our partner, this is who we want to share our life with,
00:26:11it can get so much better. Yeah, and do you think that people have just been given generally the wrong
00:26:16education on how to deal with another person in their life? 100%. Yeah. Because unfortunately,
00:26:25a lot of individuals are giving advice from a bitter hurt place. And they're trying to
00:26:31disguise it as I'm just looking out for you. No, you haven't healed and you cannot properly guide
00:26:38them in a positive and loving manner. And I think that a lot of people, you know,
00:26:43I always say it's funny how we'll spend a lot of time getting educated for the sake of our careers
00:26:49and business. But we don't do the same for relationships. And yet, relationships arguably
00:26:54are even more important than that career or business. And even if it's not a romantic relationship,
00:26:59just relationships in general. Your ability to coexist with others, connect with others is extremely
00:27:05important. If you want that business to succeed, you have to learn how to establish business
00:27:09relationships. There's no way around it. So, we have to learn how to talk to people,
00:27:14listen to people, you know what I'm saying? And just make things work when we come together with
00:27:20other individuals. So, I definitely think that we're just lacking in a lot of education. And again,
00:27:27too many... Because there's so many voices on the internet now, there's just so much bad advice being
00:27:33given. And the individuals giving it, they may be giving like, let's say, 80% of the advice is
00:27:41accurate, but it's that 20% that's completely off that can derail everything. And that's the stuff that
00:27:48people are gravitating to and this is causing a lot of problems. Can you give us some example of
00:27:53some of the, like not specific people or anything like that. I just mean like, could you give an example
00:27:57of bad advice and what about it is bad or unhealthy for people to try and put into practice? Okay. So,
00:28:05one thing I heard recently was an individual told, said some of the best advice you can give to men
00:28:10is to not fall in love. You know, basically just find a woman you want to be with and kind of keep
00:28:15it there. The reason why I view that as horrible advice is because you sit down with any man who's
00:28:21lived enough life, they will all be able to say there's been at least one time they fell deeply for
00:28:28a woman, all right. The problem isn't falling deeply for a woman, the problem is we don't know how to
00:28:34handle it once we get there. The problem is because we're not accustomed to handling and processing our
00:28:40emotions a certain kind of way and being this vulnerable we don't understand what's going to
00:28:46be required of us in that moment. We also kind of lose sight of because I'm a big believer in masculine
00:28:51and feminine energy and I believe that if she was attracted to you because of that masculine energy
00:28:56that you give off and now you become this emotional wreck because you don't know how to handle all these
00:29:01feelings you have for her. Well, you start to become less attractive to her and it's not that it's not
00:29:07fixable it's fixable but again a lack of understanding and awareness derails the situation.
00:29:13So, rather than telling men don't fall in love because it's inevitable let's teach them how we walk
00:29:18in love how we may what I call loving in your masculine. How you maintain that energy and still be
00:29:25able to pour into that woman in a way that allows relationship to flourish. Yeah and how does that work
00:29:30when I think obviously a lot of people in that example that you're giving if the person's attracted to
00:29:36someone because of their masculine energy but at the same time they want them to be empathetic
00:29:42and compassionate and kind which are generally seen as more feminine energy how does that person
00:29:50balance the two or is that is that not how you're explaining is that no it's about balance so we have
00:29:56to understand we all have masculine and feminine energy within us. I'm a believer in one must be your
00:30:01dominant energy the other is the one you tap into when necessary. So, as a man you can walk in your
00:30:07masculine and in those moments tap into those things but you can't just stay there all the time,
00:30:13all right. You can't just become this needy emotional guy that's not going to work in the vast majority of
00:30:18cases and so what happens is there's this messaging that's being thrown out there that women don't like
00:30:23good guys. I don't believe that's what it is. I believe that women become less attracted when you don't
00:30:30know how to exude and walk in your masculine energy it's and and we're hiding behind the label of
00:30:35good guy. You can be a good guy and still exude masculine energy and that's the thing and we also
00:30:41think that oh, they like bad boys. No, if you look deeper it's really the masculine energy that that
00:30:48quote unquote bad boy exudes but what they desire is a mixture of both the same way that we would want
00:30:53a mixture of both. We would want a loving sweet woman, feminine women whatever or and if you're a guy who
00:30:58wants a masculine woman cool but you don't want her to be just that you know you want her to have the
00:31:04ability to tap into that other side when necessary. I think we all desire that balance in our partner
00:31:10and I think it's healthy and if we just learn how to maintain it and how to nurture it we would see
00:31:16greater success in relationships. Yeah, what are some of the skills with with mastering that energy
00:31:21energy that you think we're missing out on and balancing that energy and knowing when to be which
00:31:26and because the reason why it's hard is I think we live in a binary world, right? Like you feel like
00:31:32you have to choose like you're either a bad boy or you're good guy. You're a doer or you're a thinker.
00:31:40You're a winner or you're a loser, right? Like we think like that and so people go okay I can either be
00:31:45masculine or I can be feminine and I definitely relate to what you were saying like I believe that
00:31:53there is a lot about me that is massively masculine and energy using that language and terminology
00:31:59my drive, my ambition, how I work, my strategic mind and at the same time I consider myself to have
00:32:05a lot of great feminine energy and qualities where it comes to like empowering others and nurturing and
00:32:11the ability to hold deep compassionate space and be empathetic which are all powerful qualities for
00:32:17for everyone right beyond gender they're powerful qualities and I appreciate and it's taken a long
00:32:23time to know when to be which and it's still and I still make mistakes right there's still sometimes
00:32:29like I should have been more assertive I should have been more affectionate so we live in a world that
00:32:34finds it hard to hold two opposing ideas at the same time yeah we don't know how to do that in
00:32:41any sphere of life let alone within ourselves so what are some of the skills that we can learn
00:32:47in order to nurture both those energies in a healthy way inside of ourselves so I think one
00:32:52it's going to require a lot of if you're already in a relationship it's going to boil down to a lot
00:32:57of transparency and communication you know her if you're that man trying to understand that woman and
00:33:03when you can walk in those two energies her being willing to be honest and open about you know what
00:33:08this was too much over here or I needed some of this over here and in time you're going to become
00:33:14more aware and understanding and it's going to be like second nature to you you won't have to
00:33:19overthink it and I think part of it is not overthinking it it's kind of like being ourselves but
00:33:24understanding that we have to learn when this is doing too much and vice versa I also think that
00:33:30in reality for a lot of men especially uh when we're talking about relationships and kind of losing that
00:33:36masculine energy the underlying issue is fear all right when we become so afraid of losing this woman
00:33:45we lose ourselves and so a lot of men now fall into this very feminine needy space because they're
00:33:52just afraid we have to learn that listen like to me I feel if your partner thinks you're never going
00:33:58to walk away from them no matter what they do you've lost that's a horrible place to be in we have
00:34:05to get to a place where we both understand that as long as we show up the way that we need to show up
00:34:09for each other we have each other's back we will be here but neither of us will tolerate
00:34:15an unhealthy relationship and someone who blatantly does not want to work on making this better
00:34:20I would want my the woman I'm with to feel that way and I need to feel that way once we understand
00:34:25that and you have the confidence of I can walk away if I have to that shifts your energy right there in
00:34:31itself and now you don't find yourself falling into that place where again you start to look a lot
00:34:36more unattractive or for some men they become yes men in their relationships thinking that makes her
00:34:41happy that's turning her off she doesn't want you to be her yes man she wants you to stand up for
00:34:46yourself sometimes give your opinion give your perspective she wants to be able to you know if anything
00:34:51be able to have discussions with you about these things not just you say whatever you want whatever
00:34:56you want whatever you want over time it becomes a problem so I think that once we conquer that fear
00:35:02once we create a space where we can talk about these moments and not feel some kind of way I think
00:35:08sometimes men are not they struggle with taking the criticism from their partner men and women we all do
00:35:16when we feel we have actual feelings for someone you know we don't care about you it's not as big of a deal
00:35:21but we're emotionally invested we're more sensitive to it but we have to understand that these
00:35:26criticisms are for the sake of making things better and strengthening this relationship so once we can
00:35:32get to that place it's going to be so much easier to grow in it and then I think it's just a matter of
00:35:38understanding that is this balance isn't just for your relationship so look at it like from a sports
00:35:44perspective if I'm on a basketball team there may be moments where I need to take the lead
00:35:49and recognize all right everyone else is down somebody needs to step up this is my moment
00:35:55and then there's other moments where I realize okay let's say we already have a team captain
00:35:59let me show them that I can follow serve do what needs to be done so that the team can win
00:36:05it's just becoming aware of what the moment requires you know and again I think the more in
00:36:11tune we get the more in tune we get with ourselves and the more in tune we get with our partner
00:36:16the easier it becomes to find that balance that's the challenge right the challenge is just how much
00:36:21patience we have with ourselves and others to realize that you walked into an imbalanced unbalanced
00:36:28situation and now it's like how much patience how much time are we going to give it to get to that
00:36:33because the challenge is I think we walk into a situation thinking it's perfect whereas we should
00:36:38be walking into a relationship knowing it's imperfect absolutely and we're going to learn and figure it out
00:36:44together and I think that's what sets us up for failure is because we walk into it going it's
00:36:50perfect and deep down we know it isn't but somehow we gloss over it whereas I find when I know we're
00:36:56going to fight when I know we're going to argue when I know there's going to be disagreements
00:37:02that sets me up to develop the skills I need in order to navigate those things yes but if I assume
00:37:07like oh we're never going to fight and I always get that right we always meet someone who goes to me
00:37:11I meet a friend who goes to me Jay we never fight I'm like how long have you been together
00:37:16I don't I don't know anyone who never fights I get that no one has to get to like yeah the heights of
00:37:23fights I get that I get that it doesn't have to be a heated fight but I don't know anyone who doesn't
00:37:28disagree there you go right right I think that's important for people to understand yeah there's a
00:37:32difference yes you're you have some individuals out there that'll say arguing is normal it's healthy
00:37:38and to me it's like listen if we're talking about arguing where we're now crossing disrespectful
00:37:42lines negative lines you know the way that we the tone we take with each other all these things
00:37:47that's not healthy yes it may happen you should be prepared for that but it does let's not normalize
00:37:54and say we're just going to keep doing this and it's it is what it is but you're right to to be with
00:38:00each other long enough and never have a disagreement that's extremely rare okay extremely rare and I do think
00:38:07that again as you mentioned we have to be ready for those moments we have to understand and going
00:38:13back to how we find that balance especially as men and even for women it's recognizing so for example
00:38:21if my partner is in a very heated moment let's say she's in her masculine right now all right she's
00:38:28getting rough well meeting her with more masculine is probably going to only make things worse yeah
00:38:33this is the time for me to be compassionate go to her hold her calm her down bring her peace in
00:38:40that moment you see because we need to balance each other out same thing on the flip side if I'm all
00:38:46heated and I'm extra passionate and then my woman now comes with that same energy that's it now we're
00:38:52butting heads this is her moment to say no let me now be the one to soften the moment up bring that
00:38:59sweetness in there and everybody calms down so it's learning how to feed off of each other and
00:39:05recognize okay they're over here let me bring it back over here and now we can work from that point
00:39:10and we're both good the problem is that we all see compassion and sweetness and kindness in those
00:39:17moments as a weakness we don't want to be that person because we see that as losing we see that as giving in
00:39:24we see that as us losing our power and strength in a relationship if we become the comforter or if
00:39:31we become the carer right like that's that's a perception that is the perception and we have to
00:39:36change that that is the power position so who is more powerful the person that lets the energy dictate
00:39:43them how they're going to react or the person that brings the energy and dictates how they're going to make
00:39:47this situation play out so if I'm coming in to calm it down and being all sweet because I'm trying to
00:39:54bring peace here I'm in the power position I'm not losing anything I'm going to gain more peace
00:40:00and happiness and harmony if I succeed in what I'm trying to do so we have to get out of that mindset
00:40:05of this makes us weaker and that is the big key of it that's a big problem that for a lot of women
00:40:11who struggle with their feminine energy that's a big issue where they feel that being feminine is
00:40:15weakness it's what got them taken advantage of and got them hurt but I always say it's not the
00:40:20feminine energy that's the problem it's who you give it to do they respect it do they honor it
00:40:26you know it's the same thing as a man does she respect your masculine if she doesn't then that
00:40:31might just be a sign you're with the wrong person but don't stop being that guy because the woman
00:40:37who's best for you is going to need that in those moments but that's exactly what it is is that when
00:40:42people have been their best selves for the wrong person that person brings out the worst in them
00:40:48yes right like when someone's been their best loving kinder self but someone took advantage of it
00:40:56that person now thinks next time I've got to be aggressive I've got to be you know powerful I've got
00:41:01to be strong in this way and I feel like that's kind of what most people are dealing with we know that
00:41:08is that you're just dealing with a wounded version of someone yes not a healed version of someone
00:41:15but I think people struggle to trust again and again especially when they see the same patterns
00:41:21in the person they're with and I guess the question is why do we keep making the same mistakes because I
00:41:26feel like a lot of us keep dating the same people yeah and there's a part of us that also just keeps
00:41:34closing off or being more wounded it's almost like if you cut yourself you now walk around with your
00:41:40hand over that cut you don't want to get cut again and then if you lead it off and it gets cut even
00:41:45deeper now you're even more conscious of that and so I find that people are doing that where they're
00:41:50closing their heart more and more because it's been so misused and abused and I understand that I
00:41:56understand people don't want to be abused and misused but I guess the question is how do people find
00:42:01people that they know respect them so that they can be their best version or be a better version of
00:42:07themselves so you know you can't drive out darkness with more darkness you can't expose someone who's
00:42:14going to hurt you by being someone who's closed off and holding back yourself we have it's kind of what
00:42:19we were just talking about we have to look at being vulnerable loving and open as not just well
00:42:25I'm setting myself up to be hurt no it's how you expose people faster if I come with that energy and
00:42:32you cannot respect it match it then I know you don't belong here but if I hold back I give you a
00:42:38free pass to hold back so now we have two individuals who are hiding behind their walls because it's
00:42:44comfortable there but you can't really see what's what do we really have in front of us those walls are
00:42:50blinding you and you can't properly evaluate the situation so one we got to get to a place of
00:42:57healing from our past so that we're not just walking around with the hand over the cut no you you got
00:43:02to let the cut breathe you got to let it heal all right holding up putting your hand on there is
00:43:07delaying the process and like you said all that's going to happen is when you finally take your hand
00:43:12off but you're taking it off with the wrong person and you haven't learned see what I want people to
00:43:18realize is your actions weren't the problem meaning you being loving sweet kind compassionate wasn't
00:43:25the problem it was the person separate those two things so that you don't stop doing the good things
00:43:32now granted are there levels to this to where we have to learn again if I'm thinking about a man
00:43:38if you got so deeply emotional to where you kind of lost your your masculine energy and you became very
00:43:44needy okay you can say all right I need to continue to be loving but I know I have to learn how to draw
00:43:49a line I have to learn how not to cross that moment and again you only crossed it because you were
00:43:55unhealthy to begin with you only crossed it because you were afraid to begin with once you get to that
00:44:01place where you're healthy and confident you won't find yourself crossing that line anymore yeah
00:44:05you won't tolerate certain things anymore so we have to heal we have to be confident and we have to let
00:44:11our light shine so that we can expose what's in front of us easier that's a brilliant answer I love
00:44:17the differentiation between how sharing your light is not the problem the person's the problem because
00:44:24we yeah we start to doubt whether being a good person a loving person is actually what wins in the
00:44:30world yeah and the truth is that it does win but it has to win with someone who can receive it and
00:44:37absolutely hold that space with you and share that space with you and I find that a lot of people
00:44:45keep giving that energy to the wrong person because we feel we can make them better right like there's
00:44:54this feeling of like I can change this person I can make them better I can heal them there's some of us
00:45:01want to fix people yeah and that means we assume the person we're with is broken and I think this is
00:45:06such a such a subconscious thing like if you're always critiquing if you're always picking at stuff
00:45:12with your partner chances are you don't think they're great like chances are you think there's
00:45:17some issues with them when you think that you can fix them and they're broken tell us about that angle
00:45:21where now we're almost we've talked about being the loving and kind person but sometimes we're being the
00:45:26person that thinks we're loving and kind because we want to improve someone but that person doesn't want to
00:45:32improve one big problem is that what's really driving people to pick that individual is that by
00:45:40being the one that can upgrade you improve you I have more value here by having more value I have
00:45:47a false sense of security you have to appreciate me you're less likely to walk away you're less likely
00:45:52to cheat because you're lucky to have me I feel like I'm the prize here but those situations never really work
00:46:01because again you're choosing someone that is not capable of pouring into you the way that you need
00:46:08you're basing this off of what you could do for them and that's not sustainable and you're choosing them
00:46:14because again you have more emotional control here what happens to so many people especially women
00:46:20it's something that I call the unhealthy love cycle of women where women in their first love experience
00:46:26outside of any childhood trauma may have experienced they're their most loving they're just out there
00:46:32they go all the way in but that typically happens at a younger age at an age where men are not mature
00:46:39enough to handle those kind of emotions that level of commitment so on and so forth so she gets hurt
00:46:45after she gets hurt her moment is saying to herself I will never let this happen to me again
00:46:51so now the woman starts to consciously or subconsciously choose men who are I don't
00:46:57want to say lower than her but essentially a man who does not take her there he's good enough to be
00:47:02with but I'm not that vulnerable with him he can't hurt me like that first love hurt me and so that
00:47:10dynamic usually leads to picking that person I can fix I can make better who will appreciate and
00:47:16respect me but again it doesn't work out and many times you'll see these same situations the guy will
00:47:22move on to cheat on her not because and I have to say this because some women think yeah he's just
00:47:26being a man no not because he's a man but because you chose a man that you could never be the woman
00:47:32that he needed and he can never be the man that you needed once he kind of either gets what he needs
00:47:38from you to build himself up or the smoke clears from him being infatuated with you he starts to
00:47:44realize I'm not getting everything that I desire and now you building him up has brought him more
00:47:50attention from other women so now the the difference between what you're not giving him and what someone
00:47:55else is willing to give him becomes way clearer now the temptation gets way stronger and he ends up
00:48:02doing something or she ends up cheating as well because he's safe but he doesn't fulfill her he
00:48:08doesn't satisfy her he doesn't excite her in any kind of way and that's why I always said earlier
00:48:14like the safe choice is almost always the wrong choice but that is a function of people trying to
00:48:21choose these fixer uppers because they think it's going to give them some leverage there it's leverage
00:48:25that's it yeah it's leverage yeah how do you know when it's time to go like how do you know when it's
00:48:29like I feel like this is a common question where it's like how do you know when it's just I've
00:48:35tried everything we've tried together tried our best maybe we went to therapy maybe we got a coach
00:48:41or maybe you know maybe we didn't do those things how do I just know that I feel like I need to go
00:48:46but I'm scared of being alone yeah I'm scared of dealing with the reality that I put in a lot of
00:48:53energy and I feel like you said this earlier but a lot of people stay in something for a lot longer
00:48:58than they should because they'd rather not be alone yes they'd rather not face reality they'd
00:49:04rather not lose two years of their life they'd rather lose two more thinking that this this should
00:49:12stay like how do you know when it's time to go let me first say yes I think I think society needs to
00:49:17change their thinking as far as letting go doesn't always mean it can't work out later it's just that
00:49:26it cannot work out under these circumstances all right because some people say well I feel like
00:49:31they're the one okay maybe they are but maybe the time is not right and it's letting go that will
00:49:36allow you both to do what needs to be done in your own personal lives that will allow you to to come
00:49:41back together and have something way more amazing so that's number one thing to consider but outside of
00:49:47that it's when one if that person is unwilling to put in the work necessary it's time to go there's like
00:49:55so many times I'll have a video go up about communication and someone will comment saying
00:50:00I've tried talking to him and he doesn't want to talk to me and in my head I'm like but why are you
00:50:04still with them if he refuses to talk to you you've already tried there's nothing else to do but people
00:50:11will let it linger on and continue why they can why they consistently complain or unhappy about this
00:50:18specific issue it's not going to magically get better they're not going to just change it just
00:50:23because all of a sudden they see oh it needs to change no if they're fighting it now they have
00:50:27no reason to change it and what people have to understand you know especially with this whole
00:50:31trying to fix people up healing and facing your traumas is one of the hardest things for people to do
00:50:37so if they already have you in their life they're essentially getting the incentive or the benefit
00:50:44of relationship without having to do the deeper work it's almost like if I'm at a job and the job
00:50:49says you need to have a master's degree to work here but we're going to hire you anyway and give you
00:50:54time to get that master's degree if getting that degree is super hard to you you're going to drag
00:50:59that out as long as possible you may never get the degree until they fire you when they fire you
00:51:06and you realize oh my gosh did I if I don't do this I'll never get this person back I'll never get
00:51:11this opportunity back now they might go and get it because it's very tough to walk down the path
00:51:17of the healing process so if they're not willing to work on it you guys have already discussed it
00:51:23and I think that's a big thing because there's a lot of relationships that end and the couples don't
00:51:28even know what the real issue was so the communication they'll say well we talked about no you guys
00:51:33argued you guys lashed out there wasn't a clear communication as to what the problem was what
00:51:40is expected how do we go about this if you've done that and I believe one of the most effective ways
00:51:45to do that is through a letter because I feel like verbal communication of deep issues and concerns
00:51:51they typically don't go well you know people get distracted they forget what they want to say
00:51:56the other person gets defensive they're not they're listening to rebuttal not to understand
00:52:01but when there's a letter involved it gives you time to get everything out you can evaluate your
00:52:07tone leave no stone unturned and now they have an opportunity to process it on their time to really
00:52:14take it in and then you guys can come together and discuss the letter and now it's so much easier to
00:52:20stay on point and get everything covered if we've done that and they're still unwilling or there's
00:52:27still no progress it's time to go yeah that's great that's great advice and I for me that's the biggest
00:52:34one it's like you can't make something last if only one person's working on it you can't keep hoping and
00:52:42waiting and wishing and and like you said that ending doesn't mean forever and often I found that two
00:52:51people need to grow individually to be able to grow collectively and we're forcing growing together
00:52:59so hard but we need space to grow and if you can't grow together chances are you need to grow apart
00:53:07in order to see whether you grow together again or grow for someone else and all of those options
00:53:12are okay but we put so much pressure on people to grow together that they grow apart yeah and actually
00:53:19if they chose to grow apart and grow separately they could come back together if they learn the
00:53:26lessons and I think that's a mistake too that sometimes people think I'm gonna go learn this
00:53:30lesson for this person I meet a lot of people they're like okay they broke up with me because I wasn't
00:53:35xyz now I'm gonna go become xyz to win them back yeah and I always find I'm just like well no you should
00:53:43go become xyz if you think you were missing xyz but not to win them back because you don't know what
00:53:50they're gonna do what's your take on people trying to win people back so I 100% agree with you like
00:53:56if we're trying to learn or grow it needs to be for the benefit of who we are and just whoever we deal
00:54:03with so it's almost like if I was a bad communicator in this relationship I shouldn't learn to better
00:54:08communicate for that person I need to better communicate for whoever I'm going to be with
00:54:13if you can't see it in that light then maybe you're looking at the wrong thing my thing is
00:54:17this I think it all depends on what the details of the situation was what led to the breakup what
00:54:23were you overlooking what was missing are these fixable issues because a lot of people are trying
00:54:28to win back someone where the issues are not resolved so it's like what's the point of going back we're
00:54:33just going to go in the same cycle all over again they're letting this idea of I miss them I don't
00:54:39want to be without them blind them from the fact that you two did not get along well or you two don't
00:54:45want the same things or you two just whatever it is maybe there's a lack of a sexual satisfaction
00:54:51I don't know why I felt the need to mention that but that's what happens a lot of times you have to
00:54:55stay focused on what led to the end and can this be corrected if it can cool but as you mentioned
00:55:05correcting it does not guarantee you they're coming back and even if they will come back you don't know
00:55:13when they may need so you may have figured yourself out in six months they might need a year
00:55:19and I would argue if you guys are truly meant for each other and they needed a year you need a year
00:55:24two you're just overlooking some things and you're rushing the process because you want to get back
00:55:28to them yeah it's I've never found a situation where it was truly only one person who had problems
00:55:35and the other person was squeaky clean no no no you thought you were but you had some stuff too you
00:55:41needed to correct of course so I think we have to be honest with ourselves and just keep striving to
00:55:46be better and rather than focus on winning them back just become the best you because if you do
00:55:54and there's a true connection there the opportunity will present itself again and you too will be able
00:55:59to make something of it and the struggle is that when people finally make that decision to break up
00:56:06or let go the study showed that the parts of your brain that are activated in a breakup
00:56:12are the same as detoxing from cocaine right like you're literally trying to detox so you can have
00:56:19a craving yeah for someone that's bad for you yeah or also it says that the areas of the brain that
00:56:26are activated in a breakup are the areas that are the same with physical pain so if someone like
00:56:32punch you in the stomach the reason why we say like my heart feels broken is because it literally feels
00:56:37like something's broken yeah so when you're going through a breakup when you're feeling the craving
00:56:42to be with that person again studies show that eight over 80 percent of people are looking at what
00:56:47their exes are doing on social media right probably through a finster account or whatever but you have
00:56:53to you have to know what are some of the healthiest tips that you've given to people and the people
00:56:58that you've worked with that have genuinely helped people move through a breakup the first thing is to
00:57:03ask yourself again why was I even there why am I holding on to this individual again I think
00:57:10sometimes we get so blinded by just the experience or our desire to have this person for whatever reason
00:57:17that we overlook what was really missing or why this could not work anyway what you'll also find is
00:57:23and I'm sure there's probably a study on it where if you if they broke up with you you ever see a
00:57:28situation it happens on tv a lot where the person can be like okay I'm going to break up with my partner
00:57:33they're planning on it they've been practicing in their head right it took them a couple weeks
00:57:38to muster up the strength they're about to do it and then the partner breaks up with them yeah now
00:57:42it's oh my gosh I got to get them back yeah so it's like you just forgot this whole time that was your
00:57:47plan yeah they just gave you the pass to do it but now because we don't like to be the one being let
00:57:53go of yeah now we're fighting hard to get it back yeah so we have to really not fall into these little
00:57:59traps that happen to us as human beings our brains is playing tricks on us or something
00:58:05where we confuse these emotions for oh my gosh I must really love them or even like you said
00:58:11you're going through that detox and because you miss I always tell people no matter how bad the
00:58:16relationship was there's always good moments so if you're trying to break free you can't just let
00:58:21your brain focus on the good moments you have to remind yourself why this doesn't work but if you
00:58:28keep focus on the good you start to make yourself think oh because I missed this good moment I must
00:58:33miss them and there's this quote that says sometimes you're not missing the person you're missing the
00:58:38feeling so you've got to be able to differentiate those two things so getting back to how we get over
00:58:44these breakups is recognizing why were we really there to begin with you know could this actually
00:58:50work the next thing is you know I'm I'm a huge believer that a lot of times a breakup is a blessing
00:58:54in disguise even if there is a chance that you two can work together or this is the one for you
00:59:03you may have needed this time to reevaluate and get things in order something is obviously wrong
00:59:09even if you it may be something as deep as because I've seen situations where everything was going
00:59:15amazingly well on the surface and the person broke up with them let's say the woman lets go of the man
00:59:21so to the man that's really confusing but what it was is that that woman she had not healed from
00:59:26her past relationships and this relationship being so good was scaring her and what happens is the
00:59:33better you are the scarier it becomes for her she's looking for something to be wrong she has to
00:59:38validate her fear somehow when she can't find it she'll either sabotage the relationship or she'll
00:59:44run from it so to that man it may seem like this is so unfair which yeah it sucks but if this woman
00:59:51didn't break up with you now you will inevitably be going to face this same ending but at a worse time
00:59:58all right this is still best that it's happening now at least if she can go do what she needs to do
01:00:04there's a chance for this to come back around later but it's hard for us to see
01:00:08it in the moment so I think just really we also have to focus on our healing whenever a breakup
01:00:13happens the mistake we make is that we think it's about healing from the breakup no it's healing from
01:00:19everything you've been through you've probably been sweeping under the rug your childhood trauma for
01:00:24years maybe the last two three relationships whatever it is so and and not healing from those things
01:00:32is contributing to your struggle to get past this breakup and contributing to why you even chose
01:00:38this person to begin with I'm a huge believer that if you haven't healed you are 90% likely to choose
01:00:44the wrong person yeah it's just too difficult to pick that person that you truly love and can truly love
01:00:51you and accept that level of vulnerability when you have still not resolved your past traumas and
01:00:57past hurts yeah so to me that's the next big thing is just focus on your healing process because in that
01:01:03process you will also be able to see more clearly if this is really for you or not like walking around
01:01:11unhealed is like walking around with broken glasses you can't see straight no matter how hard you try
01:01:16but healing will clear up your vision really really fast and now it'll be like oh wait a minute
01:01:22I didn't belong there yeah you know thank god the broke breakup happened you know now I'm in a better
01:01:27place I move forward so to me I think and I would say in addition to those things is just have an
01:01:33accountability partner whether that's friend coach therapist someone that can help keep you in check
01:01:41help remind you what you need to do someone that you know you have to talk to and
01:01:45update what's going on so that you feel like okay I don't want to come back to them saying I'm doing the same
01:01:50thing over and over again it doesn't guarantee success but it helps it helps move the needle some
01:01:56so I would highly encourage that that one mindset you spoke about there that changes everything and
01:02:01it hit me today I was just thinking if we were just able in a moment to recognize
01:02:09realize that something painful now was going to be good for us in five years time that would change
01:02:17so many things in our life yes but we're so poor at dealing with current pain yeah even if it means
01:02:26future joy that we just can't accept that I have to go through this like in everything right like
01:02:33knowing that someone breaking up with you just saved you 10 years of a wasted life is so much
01:02:40more than knowing you're gonna have to go through a few months of pain and 10 months of pain maybe
01:02:45it's a bit longer maybe it's two three years but we just have to get our head around that that
01:02:50sometimes the best things that happen to you are protecting more of your life than the pain that
01:02:56they're causing you need the peace of knowing I did what I needed to do that's it yeah because
01:03:01anytime you feel like well maybe I could have done this but I could have done that leaves the door
01:03:06open for doubt do it well exactly so it's like and that's why I'm such a big believer in you know
01:03:11there's people who say well once they're done they're done they'll just move on and I'm like no no express
01:03:16yourself get everything off your chest because you don't need anything to linger and you questioning well
01:03:22what if I did this different no make speak your full peace and now you can say all right I did what
01:03:28I had to do it is what it is I move forward and I mean it makes it easier it may not make it a hundred
01:03:34percent you know not an issue whatsoever but it's going to be easier and I'll say also for me that's why
01:03:40like my relationship with God is so important because that's where I find my peace in dealing with a
01:03:46situation that doesn't work out the way I want to I always tell myself okay if this isn't working out
01:03:51God has something better for me you know if this is happening right now there's a purpose because
01:03:55I know if I followed his guidance throughout this process there's no need for me to question
01:04:00why is this the current outcome there's a reason for this and I've been through these things enough
01:04:05times to see as you mentioned the reward is going to come it may come next week it may come years from
01:04:10now it will come and I'll be able to see how it all connected yeah Stefan it's been incredible talking
01:04:16to you man this has been such a great back-to-back flowing conversation uh we end every on purpose
01:04:22episode with a final five which is like a rapid fire which means every question has to be answered
01:04:28with one word to one sentence maximum okay so here are your final five the first question is what's the
01:04:34best relationship advice you've ever received or heard or given it is to love fully love fully and be
01:04:42yourself because as I said earlier that's how you will expose quicker who is for you and who isn't
01:04:47for you second question what is the worst relationship advice you've ever heard or received get under
01:04:52someone to get over someone doesn't work doesn't work it's only gonna cause more problems uh question
01:05:01number three uh how would you define your current purpose in life is to serve the people and help heal
01:05:08hearts and help individuals experience happier healthier relationships question number four what's
01:05:14something that you used to think was important in relationships romantic relationships but you no
01:05:19longer think is important I don't know if I would say it's what I thought it was that important but I do
01:05:24think I can talk about it now is the woman's financial position where I think once upon a time I may
01:05:32have put more weight on that when I was a lot younger and really because that's what society and family
01:05:37told me was important but now to me and and I can say it because I'm successful that financial position
01:05:44is not what's important to me it's the love it's the the environment in the household all these things
01:05:49I mean of course I want her to pursue her purpose and her passion but what she has financially doesn't
01:05:55move the needle at all got it all right and then fifth and thank you for opening up and sharing that
01:05:59fifth and final question if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow
01:06:04what would it be the one that's coming to mind is you must be honest if we eliminated lying in the
01:06:11seat oh my god like this world would be so much better yeah so just you have to tell the truth
01:06:17yeah that would be an amazing one yeah Stefan it's been amazing speaking you today I hope you come back
01:06:22on the show many times the book is out now it's called love after heartbreak I'm sure each and every
01:06:29one of you can relate to having gone through heartbreak this is the book to have to find
01:06:35that love within yourself again to make sure you can love others make sure you go and grab a copy of
01:06:39the book we're going to put the link in the show notes so you can go and order the book I highly
01:06:43recommend it please make sure you follow Stefan on YouTube on Instagram on TikTok on all the social
01:06:49media platforms please do tag me and him on the platforms you use with the insights that stood out to you
01:06:56the words of wisdom that he said that are going to stay with you and the ones that you're bringing
01:07:01into your heart and life and the ones you're sharing with your friends I hope you'll pass
01:07:05this episode on to someone who needs it if you know someone who's going through a tough time through a
01:07:09breakup if you know someone who's single right now and needs to do some more healing or if you have a
01:07:14friend in your life who's in a relationship but struggling this is the episode to send to them
01:07:18Stefan thank you so much for your time and energy so grateful to you your pleasure pleasure is all mine
01:07:23thank you man if you love this episode you'll love my interview with Dr Gabor Mate on understanding
01:07:30your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past
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