- 6 months ago
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:02CastingWords
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00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only madness these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26God is long!
00:01:30Jesus!
00:01:32We've never seen him in real life though.
00:01:34Only his picture in the papers.
00:01:36Oh come on Sandra let's go.
00:01:38No I don't want to.
00:01:40I want to wait.
00:01:42I want to wait.
00:01:44I want to wait.
00:01:46I want to wait.
00:01:48I want to wait.
00:01:50I want to wait.
00:01:52I want to wait.
00:01:54I want to wait.
00:01:56I want to wait.
00:01:58I want to wait.
00:01:59I want to wait.
00:02:00Stop standing out here.
00:02:01It's stupid.
00:02:02But he might come in a minute.
00:02:03Some he waited ages yesterday and never turned up there.
00:02:05That was yesterday.
00:02:06He might be here today.
00:02:07Oh no.
00:02:09I know really dad standing here.
00:02:10Come on.
00:02:11We're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:13I want to wait.
00:02:15But he might come.
00:02:17Oh no.
00:02:19I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:21I feel a right twit now.
00:02:26I'd like to it now.
00:02:28I don't fancy yours.
00:02:30Which is mine?
00:02:32Any except the blonde.
00:02:34Oh, good.
00:02:36Who are being stared at?
00:02:38Where?
00:02:42I don't fancy yours.
00:02:46Which is mine? Any.
00:02:48Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:52Thanks.
00:02:54Neither do I.
00:02:56Fancy the one with the twitch.
00:03:00About as much as Mountsytung's grandad.
00:03:02With all due respect.
00:03:04To his grandad.
00:03:06Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:08You.
00:03:10I thought we were giving sex up. There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:14Ignore them.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:25Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:27Hi.
00:03:30Hi.
00:03:32Peace, ma'am.
00:03:34Were you hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:36He's in Majorca.
00:03:38Come on then.
00:03:40Can we only get an hour for lunch?
00:03:42It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:52Come on.
00:03:54I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:56I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:58It's our lunch hour.
00:04:00It's ours.
00:04:02We were going for lunch.
00:04:04Shall I tell you something pretty mind blowing about Majorca?
00:04:08It's one place I've never been.
00:04:10Pardon?
00:04:12I'm Geoffrey.
00:04:14I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:16I'm Beryl.
00:04:18I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:20I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:24I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:26I'm Beryl.
00:04:43Don't you worry.
00:04:45Love and rainy weather may sound funny
00:04:50But they go together fine
00:04:55Every single time
00:05:02First you're up there
00:05:05On another plane and then you're nowhere
00:05:10And the tears are raining down
00:05:15It's a run around
00:05:20Love and rainy weather
00:05:25Sure can get you down
00:05:32Going twisting tonight, then?
00:05:38That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40What? Cutting a rug.
00:05:44Pardon?
00:05:45Grooving, Mildred. It's called grooving nowadays.
00:05:48Grooving and or freaking. Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight. Right.
00:05:53Right on.
00:05:55You're staying in tonight, then?
00:05:57Tonight. Tomorrow night.
00:05:59Every night.
00:06:00They might sell me overcoat.
00:06:03Life's not all pleasure, you know.
00:06:05Mildred, don't hassle the lad.
00:06:08Hustle.
00:06:10It's a different world today, Mildred.
00:06:13We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost.
00:06:18They do their own thing.
00:06:20The usual 1,300 weight?
00:06:22Yes, please.
00:06:25Now, that's the new world that we work for and fought for.
00:06:29Full page advert for contraception.
00:06:31It's his birthright.
00:06:35I'm not hungry.
00:06:37What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:39It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.
00:06:42I enjoy staying in Chattingham an evening.
00:07:01I find it fantastically enjoyable.
00:07:04No, really.
00:07:05I really do.
00:07:07Some people don't.
00:07:10I do.
00:07:12Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:07:15Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.
00:07:19Paul McCartney who?
00:07:20He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:23And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:07:26I sacrifice too much for your six old levels.
00:07:29Five.
00:07:30You were terrific in the pictures.
00:07:33I never touched you.
00:07:35Terrific self-control.
00:07:41What did you say your name was?
00:08:00Mind you, just a weekend I'd do with you, Paul.
00:08:05Not a dirty weekend.
00:08:08A disgusting one.
00:08:11Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:08:12Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:26It's not my fault.
00:08:27It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:36It's psychosomatic.
00:08:39I'm sorry.
00:08:41I'm sorry.
00:08:42I'm sorry.
00:08:44I'm sorry.
00:08:45I can't.
00:08:46Oh, Sandra.
00:08:50Oh Sandra, there is almost blonde in this light.
00:09:11What's wrong?
00:09:13Just being brave.
00:09:16What about?
00:09:17Ending it all.
00:09:20Before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:23It's our first date.
00:09:27I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:31Not yet.
00:09:32Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:37Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:41Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went.
00:09:44Overnight.
00:09:46That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:48It's artistic mother.
00:09:51Like your Tutankhamen butter dish.
00:10:03What?
00:10:04Got it.
00:10:05Got what?
00:10:06You now ask if I never want to see you again.
00:10:09I say I do.
00:10:11You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:10:14How about Sunday, half seven, outside Central Library?
00:10:17No, I don't.
00:10:19Tomorrow, half seven, outside Central Library.
00:10:23Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:27It does not.
00:10:29I thought it did.
00:10:30Not till you've unfastened the press, stud.
00:10:35I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning.
00:10:39You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.
00:10:41I don't intend to marry her, mother.
00:10:44In case it interferes with my career.
00:10:46We're just good friends.
00:10:48Good night.
00:10:49Miss Bardot.
00:11:05Marry me.
00:11:09You know what they say?
00:11:12Once you've had a Manchester lad, you never touch anything else.
00:11:14It's about time and all.
00:11:31Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:32Peace, man.
00:11:36Did you have a good time, Miss Knight?
00:11:38Great.
00:11:38Is this you?
00:11:40Satisfied.
00:11:41I'll say it in for a change.
00:11:44Did you get much?
00:11:47Did you?
00:11:52Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?
00:11:55Not that I have done.
00:11:57They'd paid him for a change instead.
00:12:14Not that I have done.
00:12:16Not that I have done.
00:12:17Not that I have done.
00:12:18Ticket.
00:12:19I ain't got me ticket.
00:12:20We're late already.
00:12:23See you behind the goal, then.
00:12:24Mary!
00:12:26Mary!
00:12:28Mary!
00:12:30Mary!
00:12:32Mary!
00:12:34Mary!
00:12:36Mary!
00:12:38Mary!
00:12:40Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her.
00:12:44Snooty old bag.
00:12:50Trendy. Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
00:12:54Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:57Still, who else would have him?
00:13:00Anyway, they're all the same in the dark, rumour has it.
00:13:10Different girl every night, you can tell the type.
00:13:14Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:13:18I bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:20Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:13:23At least I've got me proud.
00:13:25Oh, hello.
00:13:27Oh, hi.
00:13:29Hi.
00:13:30Didn't see you.
00:13:31No, Normie.
00:13:33Are you going that way?
00:13:35Yeah.
00:13:36Not specially, no.
00:13:38Are you going that?
00:13:40Well, erm...
00:13:41No.
00:13:42I was...
00:13:43I sort of...
00:13:44Going to the football match?
00:13:45Are you?
00:13:46Shopping.
00:13:53I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.
00:13:55I am.
00:13:56Which?
00:13:57Which are you?
00:13:58Any.
00:13:59No.
00:14:06See you then.
00:14:07Tonight?
00:14:08Pardon?
00:14:09Oh, er...
00:14:10All right then.
00:14:12Right.
00:14:19Super socks.
00:14:24Did you see that?
00:14:25They're all on drugs.
00:14:26The lot of them.
00:14:46Please score.
00:14:47Losing three-one.
00:14:48One, two, three, one.
00:14:50Excuse me.
00:15:17Excuse me.
00:15:18I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:25Ah.
00:15:28Hi.
00:15:30Hello, mate.
00:15:32Peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:35Surprise.
00:15:36Been anywhere controversial?
00:15:38Pictures.
00:15:39The boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:45Are you and Beryl, um...
00:15:47You know.
00:15:51You know.
00:15:52Oh.
00:15:53Would you, uh...
00:16:03What do you sort of reckon?
00:16:05She's a...
00:16:06Fair sort of bird.
00:16:08Sort of.
00:16:09She's all right.
00:16:10Yes.
00:16:11I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:13Jeffrey.
00:16:14She's a bird.
00:16:15You having a coffee with us?
00:16:16No thanks, kid.
00:16:17Neville's ravenous.
00:16:18You've just eaten.
00:16:19Oh, of course.
00:16:20Yeah.
00:16:21Sorry.
00:16:22You see, what I think was all this trying to do...
00:16:23By implication?
00:16:24Probably by implication.
00:16:25Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgement.
00:16:29You see?
00:16:30Yes.
00:16:31Was he the errand boy?
00:16:32No.
00:16:33No.
00:16:34No.
00:16:35No.
00:16:36No.
00:16:37No.
00:16:38No.
00:16:39No.
00:16:40No.
00:16:41No.
00:16:42No.
00:16:43No.
00:16:44No.
00:16:45No.
00:16:46No.
00:16:47No.
00:16:48No.
00:16:49No.
00:16:50Yes.
00:16:51Yes.
00:16:52No.
00:16:53Was he the errand boy?
00:16:54Were you there?
00:16:55Ken Thingy.
00:16:56You directed it.
00:16:57Oh, yes.
00:17:00I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:17:03Probably.
00:17:07You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:10Well, probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:13It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:15And you talk to me the whole way, like a person.
00:17:19Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:25Sex? Marriage.
00:17:28Pardon?
00:17:29The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:32A couple of dates and pal they want to get married.
00:17:35I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:37I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:41Get married?
00:17:42Hmm.
00:17:44No.
00:17:44Actually, I find girls, or most girls, that is, a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:55Not marriage.
00:17:57No. Sex.
00:17:59Percy Phil.
00:18:03Sex.
00:18:04That's what I said.
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:07Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:10Not Percy Phil motivated?
00:18:12No.
00:18:14No.
00:18:14No.
00:18:14No.
00:18:14No.
00:18:27Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell.
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:38This is it.
00:18:39This is it.
00:18:44I won't come in, with it being our first date.
00:18:55No.
00:18:56Oh.
00:18:57Anywhere me mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:19:00Is that a reason for me not coming in, though?
00:19:02Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:04Oh.
00:19:05Nice house.
00:19:1725-year mortgage.
00:19:23Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:27Funny, isn't it?
00:19:28If I first date with someone, it always leads to one of three things.
00:19:35Either nothing, or something, or everything.
00:19:43Well, don't think about Percy Phil at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:46I'm not.
00:19:49No, I'm not.
00:19:52Night-night.
00:19:52God bless.
00:20:05I won't give you my phone number, in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:08What is it?
00:20:09327-4421.
00:20:12The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,
00:20:15then two fours, and half of four, which is two, and half of two, which is one.
00:20:19Um...
00:20:20But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:21No.
00:20:22But you can if you do.
00:20:24Do you want me to?
00:20:25Not if you'd rather not.
00:20:27327-4421.
00:20:30Night.
00:20:30New.
00:20:39I'll see.
00:20:43Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby. Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:21:04Oh, we all have a past life flashed before me then.
00:21:07It can't be Mother's Day. You'd have forgotten. Has there been any clips?
00:21:16Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:20What do you think of Andy Warhol? You see, Geoffrey has this theory that by implication...
00:21:27Who's Geoffrey? Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:31These things. Everything. Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:35He's fantastically intelligent. See, Geoffrey's idea...
00:21:39Beryl, who's Geoffrey?
00:21:42Oh, no-one.
00:21:48No-one's special.
00:21:53His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:55How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:22:01What Beryl Bird? I told him.
00:22:04Did she, er...
00:22:06Did she, er...
00:22:08What?
00:22:10Wow!
00:22:13She doesn't, then.
00:22:16You don't listen, do you?
00:22:18I said...
00:22:19How about Sandra?
00:22:27Chips.
00:22:28Chums. Sod.
00:22:34Not seeing him tonight, then.
00:22:36Who?
00:22:45I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:55Said he was no-one special.
00:22:58Have they got a phone here?
00:23:00Why?
00:23:03They haven't, have they?
00:23:05Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:08If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:10Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:13Are you?
00:23:15We'll split after this game.
00:23:16Anything you say.
00:23:17We can go for a few at the King's Head.
00:23:19Great.
00:23:21And that ends our pro...
00:23:23Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:25Hallelujah.
00:23:26Pardon?
00:23:28I don't know what you're paying for that phone,
00:23:29but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:32Good night.
00:23:50Good morning.
00:23:51Good morning.
00:23:52Good morning.
00:24:01Good morning.
00:24:10Cholton for Pope. Long may he reign.
00:24:13Amen.
00:24:15What's going on?
00:24:16The pound's up again.
00:24:17Oh, God.
00:24:20Today's special.
00:24:21Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:23Here.
00:24:24Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:26So does.
00:24:28Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:29Why don't we always do that?
00:24:32Ninety-three times a day.
00:24:34We never see anything.
00:24:40Why don't we always do that?
00:24:43Ninety-three times a day.
00:24:45We never see anything.
00:24:47Why don't we always do that?
00:24:48Ninety-three times a day.
00:24:50We never see anything.
00:24:51Why don't we always do that?
00:24:52We never see anything.
00:24:53Why don't we always do that?
00:24:54We never see anything.
00:24:55We never visit an hour halfway.
00:24:56Get out.
00:24:57And...
00:25:07By one more morning, just as the sun was rising, I heard a maiden sing in vague Holmes, knight the
00:25:14Panzer MK.
00:25:16My typing, not disturbing your singing, I hope.
00:25:19See Geoffrey on Sunday.
00:25:22Oh, Geoffrey.
00:25:24That Neville's the greatest.
00:25:29Is he dishy or is he dishy?
00:25:35Neville promises he's going to take this...
00:25:36I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:39One date was enough.
00:25:41Why?
00:25:43He's cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:45Is that bad?
00:25:46Oh, plus?
00:25:49Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:26:01Five.
00:26:02Five, which is...
00:26:03Which is...
00:26:05Three and two's five, which is two less than seven.
00:26:08Which is...
00:26:10Oh.
00:26:13I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:15Your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:17Bank clerks.
00:26:18Your lot.
00:26:20Football supporters.
00:26:22Hippies.
00:26:23Oh.
00:26:24My lot.
00:26:25And the third stroke, it will be seven, twenty-two and forty seconds.
00:26:36It will be seven, twenty-two and fifty seconds.
00:26:38That's it then.
00:26:39Fate.
00:26:39All over by seven, twenty-three precisely.
00:26:41All over by seven, twenty-three precisely.
00:26:45So what?
00:26:48Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:51Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:57Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:58Is that Beryl?
00:26:59Yes.
00:27:00Yes.
00:27:02Hi.
00:27:03Hi.
00:27:04Hi.
00:27:05It's terrifically exciting, isn't it?
00:27:26Getting to know a person.
00:27:27Fantastic.
00:27:28Fantastic.
00:27:28I want to know all about you.
00:27:35That's what it's all about.
00:27:39For example, with things in common already.
00:27:42Definitely.
00:27:45About what?
00:27:49We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:52Right.
00:27:53And we're both from Manchester.
00:28:00Have you ever been abroad?
00:28:02No.
00:28:04Have you?
00:28:05No.
00:28:07Unless you count Istanbul.
00:28:09Istanbul?
00:28:10Was it beyond belief?
00:28:12I don't know.
00:28:13I was only three.
00:28:19Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:21Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:23Sometimes.
00:28:24I do.
00:28:26What now?
00:28:29No.
00:28:30Just...
00:28:31Just sometimes.
00:28:35Yes, I do.
00:28:38Such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:41In getting to know a person.
00:28:43Hmm.
00:28:44He was lithe and easy-limbed, his stride quietly casual, his eyes clear and confident, and
00:28:57his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:03You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin.
00:29:10Really?
00:29:11You know, lopsided.
00:29:15I don't think I have.
00:29:17It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:21See?
00:29:23Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot.
00:29:27He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:31It must be marvellous, being a man.
00:29:34It's OK, I suppose.
00:29:35Men can do anything.
00:29:37Conquer Everest.
00:29:39Do heart transplants.
00:29:41Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:44Anything!
00:29:45Geoffrey!
00:29:46N-O spells no!
00:29:47It's good for your circulation, Beryl.
00:29:48Read any women's magazine.
00:29:49It's good for theirs, too.
00:29:50I'm not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:29:51I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:29:52All Saturdays.
00:29:53Beryl.
00:29:55Beryl.
00:29:57Oh, Beryl.
00:29:58Read any women's magazine. It's good for theirs, too.
00:30:02Not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:30:05I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:30:07All Saturdays.
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:15Beryl.
00:30:16Oh, Geoffrey Bobble's bumble.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:19Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:21Oh, Beryl!
00:30:22Are you all right? What exactly happened? Don't tell me.
00:30:25I just had a sharp pachaca of dramatic irony.
00:30:28Pardon?
00:30:34Come back. They're better. It's better. I'm OK.
00:30:41I told you, it's going to pour.
00:30:43It's not.
00:30:47Urgh.
00:30:51It's only the angels crying.
00:30:55I know how they feel.
00:30:58Well, don't blame me. I haven't done anything.
00:31:00That's true.
00:31:03That's not true, Beryl. I have apologised.
00:31:06I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:31:09Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:31:12It must be a bad line. I can't hear you.
00:31:14You'd better apologise again.
00:31:17I apologise again.
00:31:19Gosh, this lousy line.
00:31:23I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:28Pardon?
00:31:29Pardon?
00:31:32Is that who I think it is?
00:31:34No, dear.
00:31:34Yeah.
00:31:34Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:51Sardine sandwich.
00:31:53Is it all sardine?
00:31:54Yeah.
00:31:54She's got her own trawler.
00:32:03Isn't it awful?
00:32:05What?
00:32:06I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:32:08What's happening in the world?
00:32:09I blame the politicians.
00:32:11What for?
00:32:12For what's happening in the world.
00:32:17Talk to her.
00:32:18I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:23Tasty.
00:32:26Very in oil.
00:32:27Nice in oil.
00:32:28She's got a bad leg.
00:32:31The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:34Why, after this little baker down the road,
00:32:35he does something with the bleach.
00:32:40Yes.
00:32:40I can't do long conversations about sardine sandwiches.
00:32:50Your mind goes blank.
00:32:54Start thinking about life after death.
00:33:01Ooh, that Neville, honestly.
00:33:03Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:33:06Every girl in Manchester, nearly.
00:33:07Geoffrey definitely has.
00:33:10Probably even more.
00:33:13Air hostesses.
00:33:16All sorts.
00:33:18Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:20I haven't had one yet.
00:33:22White man speak with forked tongue.
00:33:25Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:33Wow, is that the time?
00:33:34At this moment in time.
00:33:36What have I done?
00:33:37Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:40Right in the slightest.
00:33:42You're lucky.
00:33:43Why, it's Geoffrey.
00:33:46Wow.
00:33:47You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:50Of course not.
00:33:50Why should I be?
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey.
00:33:53Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:59Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:00Who needs drama?
00:34:01Who needs drama?
00:34:06So I shouted back at her.
00:34:08No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:10In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:14He thumped you.
00:34:16Walloped you on?
00:34:17No.
00:34:18I said nearly.
00:34:23You'll never thump me, will you?
00:34:25Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:27She adores it.
00:34:28Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:34Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:37It isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38He used to talk to me.
00:34:40All right.
00:34:41Let's talk.
00:34:46Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:49Why?
00:34:49Is your mum going out?
00:34:53May as well pack in, really.
00:34:57Why?
00:34:59Why not?
00:35:03Good thinking.
00:35:03Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too.
00:35:13It was real.
00:35:14It's psychedelic.
00:35:15You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:17I was scratched anyway.
00:35:19It's been a gasp.
00:35:21Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:28It's been a gasp.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:33There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:50Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:53You know you can't do it.
00:36:00You'll never thought of me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:02Ow!
00:36:04Beryl, I just had the most super idea.
00:36:07Are we going to put it in?
00:36:08No.
00:36:09We're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that.
00:36:11Please don't say that.
00:36:12That.
00:36:15Sandra.
00:36:16Sandra.
00:36:18You're Sandra.
00:36:19Mine.
00:36:23Two months.
00:36:24Two months, nine days.
00:36:26Is she positive?
00:36:30The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:35Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations.
00:36:40I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:48Good.
00:37:15Bye.
00:37:16After the day, Greg.
00:37:16John for Pope.
00:37:42Long may reign.
00:37:46Aren't you...
00:37:51Yeah.
00:37:55And you're...
00:37:56That's right.
00:37:58Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting my parents.
00:38:01Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:03That's pretty incredible.
00:38:05Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:08Oh hell no, that's tomorrow.
00:38:12If I'm in the mood.
00:38:16Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:30All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:32Roland.
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:34Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:38It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:42And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:45Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:48I packed her in.
00:38:50Did she tell you all?
00:38:59Daryl?
00:39:00Yeah.
00:39:01I haven't really looked.
00:39:03Seen one.
00:39:04You've seen them all.
00:39:05Not quite all.
00:39:06I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:08Looks to be my birthday.
00:39:09Boys aren't the only thing in life Beryl.
00:39:10I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:12They aren't all after Percy Filth.
00:39:13Yes they are.
00:39:14Mmm.
00:39:15Mmm.
00:39:16Oh.
00:39:17It must be my birthday.
00:39:28Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:31I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Filth.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:43Oh, you were terrific on the bus.
00:39:46Was it?
00:39:48Mmm.
00:39:50Terrific self-control.
00:39:53Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:02I happen to be interested in having early nights and writing poetry in bed with me Moe Felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's through a night of ink. I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:10My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm. Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:16Mmm, don't.
00:40:18Please.
00:40:19You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:25Mmm.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:28What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:39I don't believe that question.
00:40:41You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:45I was 11 years old.
00:40:47He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:49I was 20 years old.
00:40:50I was 20 years old.
00:40:50I was 20 years old.
00:40:51I feel so close to her.
00:40:51Good to go inside.
00:40:53My dad was 30 years old.
00:40:53Why do you want to keep my girl involved?!
00:40:54I used to be 7 years old.
00:40:54He used to meet, and he, he used to be 35 years old.
00:40:55It didn't matter.
00:40:56I'm going to
00:41:08not matter.
00:41:09Was it cool to be kidding?
00:41:10He used to be 23 years old.
00:41:11I treat myself as a young woman of framers.
00:41:12He used to see Jesus ź·øļæ½ implication.
00:41:13It didn't matter.
00:41:13Oh, really?
00:41:14I didn't matter dairy.
00:41:15I've got a head, but I put myorters.
00:41:16what's your name again what's yours rock that's not your real name no Stephen
00:41:27God that turns me on
00:41:31when I first met you in the street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat
00:41:42shows you the art of conversation and dead don't move a muscle however gorgeous
00:42:12testing testing Jeffrey Milleharp returns to the day I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself
00:42:25I'm fed up
00:42:43who are you
00:42:46who are you
00:42:47what are you fed up about
00:42:50teachers don't have to do homework no they just mark it anyone can mark it
00:42:59they've got the answers
00:43:00do you know it's after two o'clock
00:43:08what's he doing here then
00:43:09well this is your uncle Stephen
00:43:15this is my revolting brother Jeremy
00:43:19how do you do
00:43:23don't me mum and dad know he's here
00:43:25Jeremy bed
00:43:26I could always wake them up and tell them
00:43:28Jeremy
00:43:29little boys need sleep
00:43:33even big astronauts
00:43:36do you know where babies come from
00:43:39do you
00:43:42say no
00:43:43no
00:43:44I do
00:43:45say yes
00:43:46shall I tell you
00:43:47he knows
00:43:48the man has this male organ
00:43:50and some blood cells
00:43:52and erectile glands
00:43:53and there's these 500 million spermatozoas
00:43:56in these testes that he has as well
00:43:58and he goes through his male organ
00:44:00into the female uterus
00:44:01that the lady has
00:44:02who told you that
00:44:04then they go to the fallopian tubes
00:44:06after that
00:44:07one of them fertilizes
00:44:08with the female egg
00:44:09the others don't bother
00:44:11anyway that's what you have to do
00:44:13then you have a baby
00:44:15did they teach you that at school
00:44:18they do woodwork in the next class
00:44:20people can only make babies
00:44:23at certain times of the year
00:44:24but animals like dogs and cats
00:44:26and giraffes I think
00:44:28do it all the time
00:44:29no
00:44:32that's people
00:44:34what is
00:44:36well
00:44:39people
00:44:40do it all the time
00:44:41whenever they feel like it
00:44:46in the next class
00:44:51you can do metal work
00:44:52if you don't like woodwork
00:44:53good night
00:44:56Jeremy
00:44:5625p
00:44:5950
00:45:1150
00:45:1150
00:45:1450
00:45:15good night uncle steven
00:45:18good night uncle steven
00:45:21Would you care for a government health warning?
00:45:32Hey, Veronica? Yes?
00:45:36Who the hell's Uncle Stephen at ten past two in the morning?
00:45:40A friend of Jeremy's. He's going now.
00:45:43Goodnight, love.
00:45:46We would have done that, wouldn't we?
00:45:50And how?
00:45:54You can't win them all, can you?
00:45:56Anyway, do you good going without for a change.
00:46:05Still, there's always another day. Tomorrow?
00:46:08No.
00:46:10Tomorrow's another day.
00:46:12Not unless you happen to be in Plymouth.
00:46:15Where?
00:46:16I'm joining the Wrens for three years.
00:46:20What Wrens?
00:46:22The Royal Navy's Wrens.
00:46:26This time tomorrow I'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls and 30,000 sailors.
00:46:31Hope I like it.
00:46:33Well, thanks for nearly everything.
00:46:39We definitely would have done, wouldn't we?
00:46:42Well, obviously.
00:46:44We're as good as dead, in a way, really.
00:46:47Almost.
00:46:48Just keep telling yourself and we will have only better.
00:46:51Goodnight, love.
00:46:53Try a barrel.
00:46:55Try a barrel.
00:46:56Good morning.
00:46:57Good morning, previous generation.
00:47:17morning previous generation what's for breakfast you knew it was your mother's
00:47:32birthday now what we'd like to know is where were you while we were fiddling
00:47:36on the flaming roof I'm sorry mom I'll take you out another night something
00:47:40cropped up like what dad you understand I don't Jeffrey we always say you do
00:47:51Jeffrey you're at it every night yes dad and we don't complain no dad but last
00:47:57night was different I knew you'd understand
00:48:10I'll talk about on me Ryan what's going on pounds down again open down like a pair of knickers you
00:48:39should know or me not me what a night a lot including action replays in slow motion
00:48:53hey lads I picked up a bit of spare last night who didn't it's true yes Jeffrey it is yes Jeffrey
00:49:06please it's Neville's engagement party as well he had to invite him he'll see me it's cruel
00:49:24see other girls I shan't take him back Sandra I shan't it's been two weeks he may have got over
00:49:33here by now don't know much about men do you love
00:49:38it was doing him a kindness really finally splitting up he only had
00:50:08one ambition in life send my knickers to Oxfam
00:50:12good job she hasn't joined the rent the entire Navy had gone strike
00:50:20I expect he's sorry now I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't
00:50:27she might have changed of course if she has I might let her have the old
00:50:32Georgie nine again he's got to accept we finally split up otherwise I definitely won't take him back
00:50:38well I'm certainly not making the first move he's still got me pride
00:50:46pride
00:50:48a little barrel baby oh hi
00:50:50didn't see you no nor me
00:50:52and how's manchester city doing without me cheering them on then
00:50:57united we're winning every game now
00:50:59oh good
00:51:01and what's new with Jeffrey then
00:51:04I asked you what was new with you did you need I say more
00:51:18pardon how's barrel baby getting on then
00:51:22Jeffrey I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me barrel baby
00:51:27it isn't like you say that again barrel baby what's your name handsome you'll laugh
00:51:37everybody laughs it's a story of my life you tell it like it is Chuck
00:51:49is she going to get into bed with him now
00:52:04probably
00:52:07Jeffrey always looks half asleep these days
00:52:13well it's very exhausting
00:52:15it is
00:52:17working in a bank
00:52:20I had this bad scene
00:52:29this chick
00:52:29decided to split
00:52:31so I cut out man
00:52:35like there's no tomorrow
00:52:37this cat gets it together where he's at
00:52:41lots of beautiful bag baby
00:52:46so if you want a piece of the action
00:52:49don't call it
00:52:51dig
00:52:53sorry I no understand english
00:53:01gesundheit
00:53:07I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one
00:53:13she has
00:53:15and which is her husband
00:53:17neither
00:53:22it's warming up isn't it
00:53:28great beat isn't it
00:53:32great to dance to
00:53:35do you agree that life's an onion
00:53:41if so what's death
00:53:46a banana
00:53:52yes I expect it is when you think about it
00:53:55have you read Schopenhauer's concept of existence
00:53:58erm no
00:54:02but I've seen the film
00:54:04you married
00:54:05no
00:54:06grab yourself an adage
00:54:09marriage is a cabbage
00:54:12are you a poet
00:54:15never ask the questions
00:54:17ask the answers
00:54:18you are a poet
00:54:20to any manager at Marks and Spencers
00:54:24good job
00:54:26I really dirt you
00:54:29now he's taking his clothes off
00:54:32what's on ITV
00:54:35this
00:54:37what's on BBC
00:54:39Casinova
00:54:43what's that like
00:54:45this
00:54:47let's get it clear
00:54:57let's get down to the real nitty grittiesville
00:54:59okay
00:55:00women's lip is not about burning brass
00:55:12papers yeah
00:55:14what papers
00:55:16a marriage certificate
00:55:18a dog's license
00:55:19whatever you prefer to call it
00:55:20look let's be basic about this Enid
00:55:23all girls want marriage
00:55:24and a white wedding
00:55:25really basic
00:55:27you want to be really basic
00:55:29utterly basic
00:55:30balls
00:55:31grass
00:55:33Enid
00:55:35when Sandra says every girl
00:55:38she means most girls
00:55:39well like herself
00:55:40not me of course
00:55:41because I incredibly value my independence
00:55:43but most girls
00:55:45definitely want
00:55:46balls
00:55:47if you can't conduct
00:55:49an intelligent conversation
00:55:50without recourse to
00:55:51I'm not recourse
00:55:52into anything
00:55:52I'm merely telling you
00:55:53what girls want
00:55:54what
00:55:55balls
00:55:56would you please stop saying that
00:55:59you believe in free love
00:56:01right
00:56:01wrong
00:56:02I believe in free everything
00:56:04freedom from all male chauvin
00:56:05is pig domination
00:56:07honestly
00:56:08don't you understand
00:56:09excuse me you've got your hand on me
00:56:10if we're liberating society
00:56:10for the future
00:56:11I'm sure
00:56:12no thank you
00:56:13excuse me
00:56:13excuse me you've got your hand on me
00:56:14no
00:56:15oh sorry
00:56:18wow man sorry
00:56:20it's all right
00:56:20oh gee
00:56:21it's a pleasure
00:56:22grass
00:56:23Geoffrey you've not to
00:56:25why not
00:56:26I said don't you not to smoke it
00:56:28oh wow
00:56:38we're as liberated as you Enid
00:56:42we've equal importance as individuals
00:56:44neither of us is boss
00:56:46just doesn't arise
00:56:47we'll make some coffee
00:56:49you see
00:56:51what we've been visiting
00:56:52you see
00:56:56well one
00:56:57I can see there's only one way to get through
00:57:02what you're doing
00:57:06lighting everybody's fire
00:57:08burn my bra
00:57:16right
00:57:17that's it
00:57:18finished
00:57:19the end
00:57:20full stop
00:57:21we've finally split up
00:57:24Neville
00:57:24Sandra wants you
00:57:26I should imagine
00:57:27sad isn't it
00:57:30pathetic
00:57:33well I can't follow plays these days
00:57:40it's just showing real life that's all
00:57:43I once thought I'd found her
00:57:50a perfect girl
00:57:50perfect girl
00:57:52red hair
00:57:54not too skinny
00:57:56very gentle and shy
00:57:59passionate when roused
00:58:03yeah
00:58:04she packed me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick
00:58:08you're very sweet
00:58:10you're very sweet
00:58:10I've always thought you were
00:58:14did you know you're very nearly have a lopsided grin
00:58:20it's just I'm a bit tired
00:58:22no it's nice
00:58:23I don't think I've washed that one
00:58:35I don't think I've washed that one
00:58:49oh
00:58:50oh sorry
00:58:50do you know
00:58:55what girl
00:58:56she can ask me anything
00:58:57do you know where Geoffrey's got to
00:59:01he's upstairs I think
00:59:05is it true they're dry on their own
00:59:13usually
00:59:16I hate to be any trouble but I think I'm dying
00:59:25you'll be alright honest
00:59:26she said I shouldn't smoke it
00:59:29who
00:59:30she said
00:59:31Geoffrey
00:59:35Geoffrey
00:59:39sorry
00:59:45Geoffrey
00:59:53move up a bit Geoffrey
00:59:58put your legs
01:00:00that's better
01:00:02it's because it's your first time isn't it
01:00:08call dr. wiseberg
01:00:15quillmslow road
01:00:17it wasn't marijuana you know
01:00:23what was it then
01:00:27grass
01:00:28grass is marijuana
01:00:31this grass wasn't
01:00:34it was the real thing
01:00:37from the front lawn
01:00:40like you Beryl
01:00:50had a nice time
01:00:56even though it's three o'clock in the morning
01:00:59not that I mind
01:01:01if you've had a nice time
01:01:03even though I've been in bed since ten
01:01:05having a good night's worry
01:01:06did you see Geoffrey
01:01:09that's good
01:01:13do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard
01:01:35I didn't try at all
01:01:38gave it to rest
01:01:40I'm right off birds
01:01:45I am
01:01:47I am
01:01:48for good
01:01:50me too
01:01:52and me
01:01:54good morning
01:02:14your mother would like to know
01:02:15if you have a reservation at this hotel
01:02:17can I
01:02:18I am
01:02:19I am
01:02:24I am
01:02:25for good
01:02:27I am
01:02:28I am
01:02:29gonna
01:02:31get
01:02:34you
01:02:35I am
01:02:36I am
01:02:38I am
01:02:39Oh, my God.
01:03:09Oh, Beryl.
01:03:16Geoffrey.
01:03:19Can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:24Oh, Beryl.
01:03:28Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:31Oh, God.
01:03:39Hello.
01:03:44Ta-ra.
01:03:46Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:48Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:52You're a bugger.
01:03:55I don't know who he takes after.
01:04:04Hello?
01:04:05It's me.
01:04:06Who?
01:04:07My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:09Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:11I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:13If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in,
01:04:16tonight or any other night.
01:04:18Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:21It just won't be me at school.
01:04:22Well, I've got a good night.
01:04:23But I got a good night.
01:04:24When I'm at the school jumble, it's great.
01:04:25Oh, my God.
01:04:26Come on.
01:04:27Come on.
01:04:28Come on.
01:04:29Come on.
01:04:30Come on.
01:04:40Come on.
01:04:42Come on.
01:04:44Come on.
01:04:45A small world.
01:04:52Good evening, Mrs Battersby.
01:04:54I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:57Oh?
01:04:59Probably this one.
01:05:01Definitely.
01:05:02Magic in satin.
01:05:03Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:05:05Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:11You'd like some nice fancy wrapping paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:15I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:20I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:23Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jockstrap.
01:05:26Beryl, listen.
01:05:27Can I help you, madam?
01:05:27Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:30No, madam.
01:05:31I'll leave it then.
01:05:40Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter.
01:05:45What doesn't?
01:05:46You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:47Wouldn't what?
01:05:49Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:52Me?
01:05:53A football match?
01:05:55With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:58Told you.
01:06:00Who are they playing?
01:06:01Huddersfield Town.
01:06:07In the cot?
01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:16The...
01:06:17The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:19Shows you.
01:06:20Away from home, they've won three, drawn five, and lost 12.
01:06:29Drawn five.
01:06:34So what do you think?
01:06:35I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38I think I've always wanted to play.
01:06:39I think I've got to play.
01:06:40Oh, yeah.
01:06:40I think I've got to play.
01:06:41I think I've got to play.
01:06:41I think I've got to play.
01:06:42Never mind, it's only a game.
01:07:06I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:12I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:24We live in a permissive society, Beryl.
01:07:26Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:34You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up,
01:07:37even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:38Yes, well, boys are very safe.
01:07:42And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:46I don't mean permissive, permissive.
01:07:51I see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:07:59Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:04What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:07Not too much, I hope.
01:08:09Oh, God.
01:08:10Boys are very funny.
01:08:12They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:13Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:27Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:32Fantastic.
01:08:32The cowgills.
01:08:40Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:42Married couple.
01:08:45Newlyweds.
01:08:46Not long married.
01:08:49You go bald doing that.
01:08:51Doing what?
01:08:52Do I tell you, 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains.
01:09:09Living in sin.
01:09:13Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:16If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano,
01:09:25would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:31A barrel would.
01:09:35Giving you a bad time, is she?
01:09:38Oh.
01:09:39I wouldn't say that.
01:09:43I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:46What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:53I never said you were.
01:09:54You think it.
01:10:09All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:11I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage.
01:10:16Never.
01:10:19Well, until I am.
01:10:21If I ever do.
01:10:22Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:24For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:27No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:38Sorry?
01:10:38No one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:43Not yet.
01:10:44Not yet.
01:10:44What are you staring at?
01:10:51Hello?
01:10:52Hello?
01:10:52You all right, son?
01:10:53Terrific.
01:10:53Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat then?
01:10:56Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:10:59My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:03Oh.
01:11:04What's your theory?
01:11:06Indigestion.
01:11:07Oh.
01:11:08What's your theory?
01:11:09What's your theory?
01:11:10Indigestion.
01:11:11Oh.
01:11:12What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:13Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:14He has said one thing.
01:11:15Oh, what's that?
01:11:16If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks, all right.
01:11:23The weeks and months dragged by and with neither side willing to compromise, we still have deadlock.
01:11:32Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:37Another wild night learning what NO spells and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:43And what NO spells?
01:11:46And what NO spells?
01:11:47Great!
01:11:48I might as well go bald and open my own monastery.
01:11:51And so society, that's you and me, says end this dispute.
01:11:57End it now.
01:11:59Good night.
01:12:00Hear, hear.
01:12:01Good, weren't he?
01:12:02Terrific.
01:12:03Especially when he said good night.
01:12:06We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:09Having a good time.
01:12:11Just having fun!
01:12:13Being happy!
01:12:14Take two a day, after meals, and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.
01:12:23You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:28Absolutely positive.
01:12:30That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:35Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:39Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?
01:12:52You join a marriage bureau, and I'll get a job on the stage twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:57Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:58Right?
01:12:59Right.
01:13:00You're Jesus Christ, superstar.
01:13:01Amen.
01:13:02Oh, hell.
01:13:03Hands up again.
01:13:04See you tomorrow.
01:13:05Where do you think you're going?
01:13:06Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:07It's important.
01:13:08What is?
01:13:09I keep asking you what is.
01:13:10What is?
01:13:11To be on our own.
01:13:12What?
01:13:13So we can talk.
01:13:14What?
01:13:15What?
01:13:16Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:18It's important.
01:13:21What is?
01:13:24I keep asking you what is.
01:13:28What is?
01:13:30To be on our own.
01:13:32What?
01:13:34So as we can talk.
01:13:36What?
01:13:42I've had an old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:47The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.
01:13:50Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United
01:13:53and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:56Grace who?
01:13:57She was playing for United as well.
01:13:59Weird, isn't it?
01:14:09The main thing is,
01:14:11we do communicate.
01:14:13Oh, we do.
01:14:16What face do I want to...
01:14:17See what I've...
01:14:18See what I've...
01:14:19Go on.
01:14:20No, you. Mine wasn't important.
01:14:21No, mine wasn't.
01:14:22No, mine wasn't.
01:14:23No, mine wasn't.
01:14:24Beryl.
01:14:25Are you...
01:14:26Happy?
01:14:27Of course.
01:14:28Very.
01:14:29I am.
01:14:30No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:14:31No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:14:36Beryl, are you... happy?
01:14:48Of course.
01:14:50Very.
01:14:53I am.
01:14:55No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:15:00No.
01:15:03I'm not.
01:15:06Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:17Probably.
01:15:18I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:23Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:24Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:42No.
01:15:43I don't think so.
01:15:44Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is, you just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:49There isn't anything, honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:54It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It'd just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:16:03Like, you know, crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop to please you.
01:16:20I see.
01:16:25There's no need to be sensitive, Jeffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:33Your mother.
01:16:34Pardon?
01:16:34I like your mother.
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Jeffrey.
01:16:37Handle lampshades.
01:16:38Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:42Well, you ought to know.
01:16:43You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:45Anything else at random?
01:16:47You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridget Bardot.
01:16:51According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez,
01:16:53she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:54Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford
01:16:57can tell the difference between Bridget Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:02I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:04You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:05I am.
01:17:06Start slimming.
01:17:07Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:09If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:11You always succeed in getting back to Percy Philth in the end, don't you?
01:17:14Always.
01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:16You do.
01:17:16I always fail.
01:17:18Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:20The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells.
01:17:26Especially for the 600th time.
01:17:28That they really dig.
01:17:29You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:32Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really lovable.
01:17:39I never knew you thought that.
01:17:42Neither did I.
01:17:44Do now, though.
01:17:45I used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:59I used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:01There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:07Thinking what I'm thinking?
01:18:33I think so.
01:18:34We just don't like each other.
01:18:37At all.
01:18:50Oh, goodbye, then.
01:18:53Good luck.
01:18:55Peace, ma'am.
01:18:59St Anne's Square.
01:19:01St Anne's Square, please.
01:19:12So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits.
01:19:19And what else do I need?
01:19:22Oh, yes, a ring. Teething ring?
01:19:25Wedding ring? Of course.
01:19:28Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.
01:19:32No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:34Oh, sorry.
01:19:36What about?
01:19:38Skip it.
01:19:40About time, too, with her sympathy.
01:19:42Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:44I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:46But she doesn't know that.
01:19:48If I'm looking miserable, Sandrick, it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:54Yeah.
01:19:56We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:58Of course we do.
01:20:00How to pop the pink without going in and off.
01:20:08Ace.
01:20:10She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:12I won't tell you where.
01:20:14A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:19Wow!
01:20:20Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:26I know, spells no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:32Hmm, sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:36Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:39Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:41Yep.
01:20:42Coming to the crutch.
01:20:44Crunch.
01:20:45I dare say it'll hardly break my heart in the slightest, seeing him again.
01:20:50You mustn't think I'll be crying inside, because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:54And what's more, no-one will know that I am.
01:20:57Because I shan't.
01:20:59Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:08It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:15And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:18Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:20Fine.
01:21:21Is this fine enough?
01:21:22Here?
01:21:23About there, lovely.
01:21:25You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:27Wow.
01:21:28Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:32Ow!
01:21:33Oh, sorry.
01:21:35That's right.
01:21:36Hold it.
01:21:38Lovely.
01:21:40Right, now, a nice family group of the parents, please.
01:21:43Funny.
01:21:44I remember the Friday lunchtime we first met.
01:21:48How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:53Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:58It's all over now.
01:21:59Bar the salmon salad.
01:22:02It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:12Sea President Nixon went to China, then.
01:22:15That was before we ever met.
01:22:17I know.
01:22:18Why?
01:22:19Has something happened about it?
01:22:20No.
01:22:21Oh?
01:22:22Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:24Hmm.
01:22:27Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going to the moon.
01:22:33Nixon?
01:22:34Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:46We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:50Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:53Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're brokenhearted.
01:23:01We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:04My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:06I'm right off it myself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Aw.
01:23:14I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:15I hope not.
01:23:16It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:20I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:26Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:28And we've learned a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:34Fantastic.
01:23:36For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:40I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:44In bed a bit.
01:23:46In bed a bit.
01:23:51And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol and marry her three days later.
01:23:59We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:02I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:07Where's she going?
01:24:08Hospital.
01:24:13Well.
01:24:14We'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:20APPLAUSE
01:24:35Hello, Mrs. Battersby.
01:24:59You won't remember me.
01:25:01Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:02Is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:12There is no football. It's cricket now.
01:25:15Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:32There is no football match.
01:25:33There is no football match.
01:25:34There is no football match.
01:25:35There is no football match.
01:25:39Hi.
01:25:42When's the kick-off?
01:25:44In about three months.
01:25:46Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:49Well, what on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:52I forgot.
01:25:54I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:58Where will you go now, then?
01:26:00I don't know.
01:26:04I could always go inside and practise booing for next season.
01:26:09Where will you?
01:26:11Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:12Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:17Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:19May as well. If you like.
01:26:21Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:23Just as friends.
01:26:25Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:27Yeah, I did.
01:26:28Wish we had a ball.
01:26:38Could play shooting in.
01:26:42You could go in goal.
01:26:49Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:26:58Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:22We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:25Anyone, really.
01:27:28There's millions to choose from.
01:27:34All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:40You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:43You will, Beryl.
01:27:45Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:48Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:50Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:51Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:56Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:57Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:58Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:59Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:00Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:05Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:06Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:07Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:09Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:10Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:11Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:12Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:13Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:14Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:15Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:16Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:17Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:18Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:19And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's dark
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:58Love and rainy weather
01:29:00Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's dark
01:29:12Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:23Love and rainy weather
01:29:25Love and rainy weather
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