- 5 months ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
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00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only madness these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26God is long!
00:01:30Jesus!
00:01:32We've never seen him in real life though.
00:01:44And he's picturing the papers.
00:01:46Oh come on Sandra let's go.
00:01:48No I don't want to.
00:01:50I want to wait.
00:01:52I want to wait.
00:01:54I want to wait.
00:01:56But he might come in a minute.
00:01:58Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:00But that was yesterday.
00:02:01He might be here today.
00:02:02Oh no.
00:02:03I want to wait.
00:02:04I don't really doubt standing here.
00:02:05Come on.
00:02:06I want to wait.
00:02:07I want to wait.
00:02:08I want to wait.
00:02:09I want to wait.
00:02:10But he might come in a minute.
00:02:11Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:12But that was yesterday.
00:02:13He might be here today.
00:02:14Oh no.
00:02:15Hello really.
00:02:16Dad standing here.
00:02:17Come on.
00:02:18I'm not supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:19Oh wait.
00:02:20But he might come.
00:02:21Please let's go.
00:02:22Oh no.
00:02:24I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:26I feel a right twit now.
00:02:28I don't fancy yours.
00:02:30Which is mine.
00:02:32Any except the blonde.
00:02:34Oh, good.
00:02:36Who are being stared at?
00:02:38Where?
00:02:42Don't fancy yours.
00:02:44Which is mine?
00:02:46Any.
00:02:48Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs?
00:02:52Thanks.
00:02:54Neither do I.
00:02:56Fancy the one with the twitch?
00:02:58About as much as Mountsytung's grandad.
00:03:02With all due respect.
00:03:04To his grandad.
00:03:06Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:08You.
00:03:10I thought we were giving sex up. There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:14Ignore them.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:28Hi.
00:03:30Hi.
00:03:32Peace, ma'am.
00:03:34Were you hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:36He's in Mallorca.
00:03:38Come on, then.
00:03:40We only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:42It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:52Come on.
00:03:54I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:58It's our lunch hour.
00:04:00It's ours.
00:04:02We were going for lunch.
00:04:08Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Mallorca?
00:04:10It's one place I've never been.
00:04:12Pardon?
00:04:14I'm Geoffrey.
00:04:16I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:18I'm Beryl.
00:04:20I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:24I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:26I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:28I don't know.
00:04:30I don't know.
00:04:32I don't know.
00:04:34I don't know.
00:04:36I don't know.
00:04:38I don't know.
00:04:40I don't know.
00:04:42I don't know.
00:04:44I don't know.
00:04:46I don't know.
00:04:48I don't know.
00:04:50But there's a rock.
00:04:52Yeah.
00:04:53You went.
00:04:54I don't know.
00:04:56I don't know.
00:05:06I don't know.
00:05:08I don't know.
00:05:10When the tears are raining down
00:05:15It's a run around
00:05:20Love and rainy weather
00:05:25Sure can get you down
00:05:32Not going twisting tonight then?
00:05:35That's the modern name for it isn't it?
00:05:40What? Cutting a rug
00:05:43Pardon?
00:05:45Grooving Mildred, it's called grooving nowadays
00:05:48Grooving and or freaking, right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight? Right
00:05:54Right on
00:05:55You're staying in tonight then?
00:05:57Tonight, tomorrow night
00:05:59Every night
00:06:01They might sell me overcoat
00:06:03Life's not all pleasure, you know
00:06:06Mildred, don't hassle the lad
00:06:09Hassle
00:06:11It's a different world today, Mildred
00:06:13We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost
00:06:17They do their own thing
00:06:19The usual 1300 weight?
00:06:22Yes please
00:06:24Now that's the new world that we work for
00:06:26And fought for
00:06:28Full page advert for contraception
00:06:30It's his birthright
00:06:32I'm not hungry
00:06:36What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:38It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry
00:06:42I enjoy staying in Chattingham an evening
00:07:00I find it fantastically enjoyable
00:07:02No really?
00:07:04I really do
00:07:06Some people don't
00:07:08I do
00:07:10Beryl, please take my word for it
00:07:12Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures
00:07:14Paul McCartney who?
00:07:16He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night
00:07:18And please don't say Paul McCartney who?
00:07:20I sacrificed too much for your 6-0 levels
00:07:25You were terrific in the pictures
00:07:26I never touched you
00:07:28Terrific self-control
00:07:30What did you say your name was?
00:07:33I never touched you. Terrific self-control.
00:07:41What did you say your name was?
00:07:44Mind you, just a weekend I'd do with you, Paul. Not a dirty weekend. A disgusting one.
00:08:10Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:08:24Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:28It's not my fault. It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:36It's psychosomatic.
00:08:40I'm sorry.
00:08:45Ah.
00:08:47Oh, Sandra. You're almost blonde in this light.
00:08:54Oh, Sandra. You're almost blonde in this light.
00:09:07What's wrong?
00:09:12Just being brave.
00:09:16What about?
00:09:17Ending it all.
00:09:19Before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:22It's our first date.
00:09:25I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:30Not yet.
00:09:32Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:34Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:41Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went overnight.
00:09:46That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:49It's artistic, Mother.
00:09:50Like your Tutankhamen butter dish.
00:09:52What?
00:09:53Got it.
00:09:54Got what?
00:09:55You now ask if I never want to see you again. I say I do.
00:10:10You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:10:14How about Sunday, half seven outside Central Library?
00:10:17No, I don't.
00:10:19Tomorrow, half seven outside Central Library.
00:10:22Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:26It does not.
00:10:28I thought it did.
00:10:30Not till you've unfastened the press, Studd.
00:10:36I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning.
00:10:39You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.
00:10:41I don't intend to marry her, Mother.
00:10:43In case it interferes with my career.
00:10:46We're just good friends.
00:10:48Goodnight.
00:10:58Miss Bardot.
00:11:03Marry me.
00:11:09You know what they say?
00:11:11Once you've had a Manchester lad, you never touch anything else.
00:11:14Martin!
00:11:16Martin!
00:11:18Martin!
00:11:20Martin!
00:11:22Martin!
00:11:24Martin!
00:11:26Martin!
00:11:27Martin!
00:11:28Martin!
00:11:29Martin!
00:11:30About time and all.
00:11:31Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:33Peace, man.
00:11:34Martin!
00:11:35Martin!
00:11:36Did you have a good time last night?
00:11:37Great.
00:11:38Did you?
00:11:39Satisfied.
00:11:40I saved him for a change.
00:11:44Did you get much?
00:11:47Did you?
00:11:52Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?
00:11:55Not that I have done.
00:11:57Let him for a change instead.
00:12:18Ticket!
00:12:19I ain't got me ticket.
00:12:20We're late already.
00:12:23See you behind the goal then.
00:12:24Mary!
00:12:25Mary!
00:12:26Mary!
00:12:27Mary!
00:12:28Mary!
00:12:29Mary!
00:12:30Mary!
00:12:31Mary!
00:12:32Mary!
00:12:33Mary!
00:12:34Mary!
00:12:35Mary!
00:12:36Mary!
00:12:37Mary!
00:12:38Mary!
00:12:39Mary!
00:12:41Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her.
00:12:44Snooty old bag.
00:12:45Trendy.
00:12:46Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
00:12:47Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:48Still, who else would have him?
00:12:49Anyway, they're all the same in the dark.
00:12:50Rumor has it.
00:12:51Different girl every night.
00:12:52You can tell the type.
00:12:53Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:12:54I bet we lose.
00:12:55Three-one.
00:12:56Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:12:57At least I've got me proud.
00:12:58I'm sorry.
00:12:59Can I see you?
00:13:00You're a good one.
00:13:01I'm sorry.
00:13:02I'm sorry.
00:13:03I'm sorry.
00:13:04I'm sorry.
00:13:05I'm sorry.
00:13:06I'm sorry.
00:13:07I'm sorry.
00:13:08The other guy has a lot of traffic lights.
00:13:09Still, who else would have him?
00:13:10Anyway, they're all the same in the dark.
00:13:11Rumor has it.
00:13:12Different girl every night.
00:13:13You can tell the type.
00:13:15Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:13:18I bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:21Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:13:24At least I've got me proud.
00:13:26Oh, hello.
00:13:28Oh, hi.
00:13:29Hi.
00:13:30Didn't see you.
00:13:31No, Normie.
00:13:34Are you going that way?
00:13:35Yeah.
00:13:36Not especially, no.
00:13:38Are you going that?
00:13:40Yeah, well, um, no.
00:13:42I was sort of...
00:13:44Going to the football match?
00:13:46Are you?
00:13:46Shopping.
00:13:53I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.
00:13:56I am.
00:13:56Which?
00:13:57Which are you?
00:13:57Any.
00:13:58I am.
00:14:06See you then.
00:14:08Tonight?
00:14:09Pardon?
00:14:10Oh, I...
00:14:11All right, then.
00:14:13Right.
00:14:14Super socks.
00:14:24Did you see that?
00:14:26They're all on drugs.
00:14:27A lot of them.
00:14:28They score.
00:14:42Losing.
00:14:433-1.
00:14:44Did he score?
00:14:46Losing. 3-1.
00:15:14Excuse me, I...
00:15:22I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:24Ah.
00:15:28Hi.
00:15:30Hello, mate.
00:15:32Peace, ma'am.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:36In anywhere controversial?
00:15:38Pictures. The boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim. I'm just going to the...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:44Are you and Beryl, um...
00:15:46You know.
00:15:48You know.
00:15:50You know.
00:15:52Oh.
00:16:02Would you, uh...
00:16:04What do you sort of reckon?
00:16:06She's a...
00:16:08Fair sort of bird.
00:16:10Sort of.
00:16:12She's all right.
00:16:14I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:18Geoffrey. She's a bird.
00:16:24You having a coffee with us?
00:16:26No, thanks, kid. Neville's ravenous.
00:16:28You've just eaten.
00:16:30Oh, of course, yeah.
00:16:32Sorry.
00:16:34You see...
00:16:36What I thought Ken was always trying to do...
00:16:38By implication?
00:16:40Probably by implication.
00:16:42Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgment.
00:16:46You see.
00:16:48Yes.
00:16:50Was he the errand boy?
00:16:52Was who the errand boy?
00:16:53Ken Thingy.
00:16:54He directed it.
00:16:56Oh, yes.
00:16:58I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:17:02Probably.
00:17:08You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:10Well, probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:14It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:16And you talk to me the whole way.
00:17:18Like a person.
00:17:20Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:24Sex?
00:17:26Marriage.
00:17:27Pardon?
00:17:28The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:31A couple of dates and pal they want to get married.
00:17:34I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:37I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:40Get married?
00:17:42Hmm.
00:17:43No.
00:17:44Actually, I find girls, or most girls, that is, a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:54Not marriage.
00:17:56No.
00:17:57Sex.
00:17:58Percy Filth?
00:18:01Sex.
00:18:03That's what I said.
00:18:05Oh.
00:18:06Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:09Not Percy Filth motivated?
00:18:11No.
00:18:14Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell?
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:38This is it.
00:18:44I won't come in, with it being our first date.
00:18:54No.
00:18:55Oh.
00:18:56Anywhere my mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:18:59Is that a reason for me not coming in, though?
00:19:02Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:03Oh.
00:19:04Oh.
00:19:13Nice house.
00:19:1625-year mortgage.
00:19:23Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:25It's funny, isn't it?
00:19:26First date with someone.
00:19:27It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:32Either nothing.
00:19:35Or something.
00:19:37Or everything.
00:19:40Well, don't think about Percy Filth at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:45I'm not.
00:19:46No, I'm not.
00:19:47Night-night.
00:19:48God bless.
00:19:49I won't give you me phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:07What is it?
00:20:08Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:10The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,
00:20:15then two fours, and half of four, which is two, and half of two, which is one.
00:20:18Um...
00:20:19But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:21No.
00:20:22But you can if you do.
00:20:23Do you want me to?
00:20:24Not if you'd rather not.
00:20:26Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:29Night.
00:20:30Fight.
00:20:39Let's go.
00:20:43Fight!
00:20:46Fight, Fight!
00:20:52Ohhh.
00:20:56Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby. Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:21:04Oh, they all have a past life flashed before me then.
00:21:11Can't be Mother's Day. You'd have forgotten.
00:21:15Has there been any clips?
00:21:17Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:22What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:23You see, Geoffrey has this theory that, by implication...
00:21:27Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:28Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:31These things. Everything.
00:21:34Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:35He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:37See, Geoffrey's idea...
00:21:39Beryl, who's Geoffrey?
00:21:42Oh, no-one.
00:21:47No-one's special.
00:21:53His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:59How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:22:02What Beryl Bird?
00:22:03I told him.
00:22:04Did she, uh...
00:22:06Does she, uh...
00:22:07What?
00:22:08What?
00:22:09Oh, ho, ho, ho.
00:22:10Pfff...
00:22:11Pfff...
00:22:11Wow!
00:22:12Pfff...
00:22:13Pfff...
00:22:14She doesn't, then.
00:22:15You don't listen, do you?
00:22:17I said...
00:22:18How about Sundry?
00:22:19How about Sundry?
00:22:26Chips.
00:22:27Chums.
00:22:28Sod.
00:22:29Chips.
00:22:30Chips.
00:22:31Chips.
00:22:34Not seeing him tonight, then.
00:22:40Who?
00:22:45I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:55Said he was no-one special.
00:22:56Have they got a phone here?
00:23:00Why?
00:23:02They haven't, have they?
00:23:04Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:07If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:09Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:12Are you?
00:23:13We'll split after this game.
00:23:15Anything you say.
00:23:16We can go for a few at the King's Head.
00:23:17Great.
00:23:19And that ends our pro...
00:23:22Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:24Hallelujah.
00:23:26Pardon?
00:23:27I don't know what you're paying for that phone, but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:31Good night.
00:23:32Good night.
00:23:33Good morning.
00:23:51Good morning.
00:24:00Good morning.
00:24:01All right.
00:24:10Charlton for Pope. Long may it reign. Amen.
00:24:14What's going on? Pound's up again.
00:24:17Oh, God.
00:24:19Today's special. Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:23Here. Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:26So does. Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:31Why do we always do that?
00:24:4793 times a day.
00:24:50We never see anything.
00:25:01No more.
00:25:03There was no more.
00:25:04No more.
00:25:05No more.
00:25:06No more.
00:25:07No more.
00:25:09No more.
00:25:10No more.
00:25:11The sun was rising.
00:25:12I heard the maiden singing in the valley.
00:25:15My typing, not disturbing your singing, I hope.
00:25:19See Geoffrey on Sunday.
00:25:22Oh, Geoffrey.
00:25:24That Neville's the greatest.
00:25:29Is he dishy or is he dishy?
00:25:35Neville promises he's going to take this to the back and film this.
00:25:36I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:39One date was enough.
00:25:41Why?
00:25:43He's Cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:45It's that bad.
00:25:46Oh, plus.
00:25:49Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:26:01Five.
00:26:02Five, which is...
00:26:03Which is...
00:26:05Three and two's five, which is two less than seven.
00:26:09Which is...
00:26:11Oh.
00:26:11I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:17Bank clocks.
00:26:18Your lot.
00:26:20Football supporters.
00:26:22Hippies.
00:26:22Oh.
00:26:24My lot.
00:26:27At the third stroke, it will be seven, twenty-two and forty seconds.
00:26:35It will be seven, twenty-two and fifty seconds.
00:26:40That's it then.
00:26:42Fate.
00:26:43All over by seven, twenty-three precisely.
00:26:45Ah, so what?
00:26:50Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:55Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:57Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:59Is that Beryl?
00:27:00Yes.
00:27:01Yes.
00:27:02Hi.
00:27:05Hi.
00:27:05It's terrifically exciting, isn't it?
00:27:26Getting to know a person.
00:27:28Fantastic.
00:27:28Fantastic.
00:27:32I want to know all about you.
00:27:35That's what it's all about.
00:27:39For example, with things in common already.
00:27:42Definitely.
00:27:45Like what?
00:27:49We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:52Right.
00:27:55And we're both from Manchester.
00:28:00Have you ever been abroad?
00:28:02No.
00:28:02Unless you're Countess Stambol.
00:28:09It's Stambol.
00:28:10Was it beyond belief?
00:28:12I don't know.
00:28:13I was only three.
00:28:19Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:22Sometimes.
00:28:24I do.
00:28:26What now?
00:28:27No.
00:28:29No.
00:28:30Just...
00:28:31Just sometimes.
00:28:35Yes, I do.
00:28:39Such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:42In getting to know a person.
00:28:43Hmm.
00:28:44He was lithe and easy-limbed.
00:28:52His stride quietly casual.
00:28:55His eyes clear and confident.
00:28:57And his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:03You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin.
00:29:10Really?
00:29:11You know, lopsided.
00:29:15I don't think I have.
00:29:17It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:21See?
00:29:23Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot.
00:29:26He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:30It must be marvellous being a man.
00:29:34It's OK, I suppose.
00:29:35Men can do anything.
00:29:37Conquer Everest.
00:29:39Do heart transplants.
00:29:40Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:43Anything!
00:29:44Anything!
00:29:53Geoffrey, N-O spells no.
00:29:56It's good for your circulation, Beryl.
00:29:58Read any women's magazine.
00:30:00It's good for theirs, too.
00:30:01Not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:30:05I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:30:07All Saturdays.
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:15Beryl.
00:30:16Oh, Geoffrey Bobble's bumble.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:19Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:21Oh, Beryl!
00:30:22Are you all right?
00:30:23What exactly happened?
00:30:24Don't tell me.
00:30:26I just had a sharp achak of dramatic irony.
00:30:28Pardon?
00:30:34Come back.
00:30:36They're better.
00:30:36It's better.
00:30:37I'm OK.
00:30:37I told you.
00:30:42It's going to pour.
00:30:43It's not.
00:30:52It's only the angels crying.
00:30:55I know how they feel.
00:30:57Well, don't blame me.
00:30:59I haven't done anything.
00:31:00That's true.
00:31:03That's not true, Beryl.
00:31:04I have apologised.
00:31:06I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:31:09Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:31:12It must be a bad line.
00:31:13I can't hear you.
00:31:14You'd better apologise again.
00:31:16I apologise again.
00:31:20Gosh, this lousy line.
00:31:23I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:28Pardon?
00:31:29Pardon?
00:31:31Is that who I think it is?
00:31:34No, dear.
00:31:34Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:51Sardine sandwich.
00:31:53Is it all sardine?
00:31:54Yeah.
00:31:56She's got her own trawler.
00:31:57Isn't it awful?
00:32:05What?
00:32:06I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:32:08What's happening in the world?
00:32:09I blame the politicians.
00:32:11What for?
00:32:12For what's happening in the world.
00:32:17Talk to her.
00:32:21I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:23Tasty.
00:32:24They're in oil.
00:32:27They're nice in oil.
00:32:28She's got a bad leg.
00:32:31The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:34Why, after this little baker down the road,
00:32:35he does something with the bleach.
00:32:40Yes.
00:32:47I can't do long conversations about sardine sandwiches.
00:32:50Mine goes blank.
00:32:54Start thinking about life after death.
00:33:01Ooh, that Neville, honestly.
00:33:04Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:33:06Every girl in Manchester, nearly.
00:33:09Geoffrey definitely has.
00:33:10Probably even more.
00:33:13Air hostesses.
00:33:15All sorts.
00:33:18Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:20I haven't had one yet.
00:33:22White man speak with forked tongue.
00:33:25Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:26Wow, is that the time, at this moment in time?
00:33:36What have I done?
00:33:37Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:40Right in the slightest.
00:33:42You're lucky.
00:33:43Why, it's Geoffrey.
00:33:45Wow.
00:33:47You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:49Of course not.
00:33:50Why should I be?
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey.
00:33:53Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:58Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:03Who needs drama?
00:34:06So I shouted back at her.
00:34:08No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:10In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:12He thumped you.
00:34:16Walloped you on?
00:34:18No.
00:34:19I said nearly.
00:34:23You never thump me, will you?
00:34:25Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:27She adores it.
00:34:29Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:34Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:37It isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38He used to talk to me.
00:34:40All right, let's talk.
00:34:42Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:49Why?
00:34:49Is your mum going out?
00:34:53May as well pack in, really.
00:34:57Why?
00:34:59Why not?
00:35:02Good thinking.
00:35:10Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too.
00:35:13It was real.
00:35:14It's psychedelic.
00:35:15You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:17I was scratched anyway.
00:35:19It's been a gasp.
00:35:21Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:28It's been a gasp.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:40You're well-bred barrel.
00:35:41There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:50Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:53You know you can't do it.
00:36:00You'll never thong me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:03Ow!
00:36:04Beryl, I just had the most super idea.
00:36:07Are we going to put it up?
00:36:08No.
00:36:09We're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that.
00:36:11Please don't say that.
00:36:12That.
00:36:13Sandra.
00:36:16Sandra.
00:36:18You're Sandra.
00:36:19Mine.
00:36:23Two months.
00:36:24Two months, nine days.
00:36:28Is she positive?
00:36:30The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:35Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:40Congratulations.
00:36:40I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:48Often.
00:37:12You know.
00:37:17Okay.
00:37:18Bye.
00:37:19Bye.
00:37:20Bye.
00:37:22Mm-hm.
00:37:32Bye-bye.
00:37:34Bye.
00:37:36Bye.
00:37:37Bye.
00:37:37Bye.
00:37:38Bye.
00:37:39Bye.
00:37:40Bye.
00:37:42John for Pope, among my reign.
00:37:50Aren't you, er...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:55And you're, er...
00:37:56That's right.
00:37:59Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting my parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:08Er...
00:38:10Oh, hell no, that's tomorrow.
00:38:13If I'm in the mood.
00:38:16Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:30All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:34Roland.
00:38:34Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:39It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:40And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:46Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:50I packed her in.
00:38:50Did she turn you off?
00:39:00Beryl?
00:39:01Beryl?
00:39:01Beryl.
00:39:02Beryl.
00:39:03Beryl.
00:39:03Beryl.
00:39:04Beryl.
00:39:04Beryl.
00:39:04Beryl.
00:39:04Beryl.
00:39:04Beryl.
00:39:05Beryl.
00:39:06Beryl.
00:39:06Beryl.
00:39:07Beryl.
00:39:07Beryl.
00:39:08Beryl.
00:39:08Beryl.
00:39:09Beryl.
00:39:10Beryl.
00:39:10Beryl.
00:39:11Beryl.
00:39:12Beryl.
00:39:13Beryl.
00:39:14Beryl.
00:39:15Beryl.
00:39:16Beryl.
00:39:17Beryl.
00:39:18Beryl.
00:39:19Beryl.
00:39:20Beryl.
00:39:21Beryl.
00:39:22Beryl.
00:39:23Beryl.
00:39:24Beryl.
00:39:25Beryl.
00:39:26Beryl.
00:39:27Beryl.
00:39:28Beryl.
00:39:29Beryl.
00:39:30Beryl.
00:39:31Beryl.
00:39:32Beryl.
00:39:33Beryl.
00:39:34Beryl.
00:39:35Beryl.
00:39:36Beryl.
00:39:37Beryl.
00:39:38Beryl.
00:39:39Beryl.
00:39:40Beryl.
00:39:41Beryl.
00:39:42Beryl.
00:39:43Beryl.
00:39:44Beryl.
00:39:45Beryl.
00:39:46Beryl.
00:39:47Beryl.
00:39:48Beryl.
00:39:49Beryl.
00:39:50Beryl.
00:39:51Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:02I happen to be interested in having early nights
00:40:04and writing poetry in bed with me Moe Felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink. I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:10My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm. Mmm. Mmm, please. Mmm, don't.
00:40:17Mmm, please. You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:21Mmm. Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:25Mmm. Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:33It is me birthday.
00:40:36What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:40I don't believe that question.
00:40:42You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:45I was 11 years old. He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:51What's your name again?
00:40:55What's yours?
00:40:56What's yours?
00:40:56Rock.
00:40:57That's not your real name.
00:40:57No.
00:40:58Steven.
00:40:59Steven.
00:41:00Steven.
00:41:01Steven.
00:41:02What's your name again?
00:41:04What's yours?
00:41:05Rock.
00:41:06That's not your real name.
00:41:07No.
00:41:08Steven.
00:41:09Steven.
00:41:10God, that turns me on.
00:41:11Mmm.
00:41:12Mmm.
00:41:13Mmm.
00:41:14Mmm.
00:41:15Mmm.
00:41:16Mmm.
00:41:17Mmm.
00:41:18Mmm.
00:41:19Mmm.
00:41:20Mmm.
00:41:21Mmm.
00:41:22Mmm.
00:41:23Mmm.
00:41:24Mmm.
00:41:25Mmm.
00:41:26Mmm.
00:41:27Mmm.
00:41:28Mmm.
00:41:29Mmm.
00:41:30When I first met you in the street, I thought, just a quiet drink and a chat.
00:41:41Shows you the art of conversation ain't dead.
00:41:45Mmmm.
00:41:46Mmm.
00:41:47Mmm.
00:41:48Mmm.
00:41:51However gorgeous.
00:41:54Mmm. Mmm.
00:42:18Testing. Testing. Oh, Geoffrey Millieup returns to the day.
00:42:22I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself.
00:42:41I'm fed up!
00:42:44Who are you? Who are you?
00:42:49What are you fed up about?
00:42:50Teachers don't have to do homework.
00:42:53No.
00:42:54They just mark it.
00:42:56Anyone can mark it.
00:42:58They've got the answers.
00:43:04Do you know it's after two o'clock?
00:43:07What's he doing here, then?
00:43:09Well, er, this is your uncle Stephen.
00:43:16This is my revolting brother, Jeremy.
00:43:22How do you do?
00:43:23Don't my mum and dad know he's here?
00:43:25Jeremy, bed.
00:43:26I could always wake them up and tell them.
00:43:28Jeremy, little boys need sleep.
00:43:35Even big astronauts.
00:43:36Do you know where babies come from?
00:43:40Do you?
00:43:42Say no.
00:43:43No.
00:43:44I do.
00:43:45Say yes.
00:43:46Shall I tell you?
00:43:47He knows.
00:43:48The man has this male organ and some blood cells and erectile glands.
00:43:52And there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has as well.
00:43:57And they go through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has.
00:44:02Who told you that?
00:44:03Then they go to the fallopian tubes after that.
00:44:06One of them fertilises with the female egg.
00:44:09The others don't bother.
00:44:11Anyway, that's what you have to do.
00:44:13And then you have a baby.
00:44:16Did they teach you that at school?
00:44:18They do woodwork in the next class.
00:44:21People can only make babies at certain times of the year.
00:44:24But animals, like dogs and cats and giraffes, I think, do it all the time.
00:44:29No, erm, that's people.
00:44:34What is?
00:44:38Well, people do it all the time.
00:44:44Whenever they feel like it.
00:44:50In the next class you can do metalwork if you don't like woodwork.
00:44:54Goodnight, Jeremy.
00:44:5625p.
00:44:5950.
00:45:0150.
00:45:12Goodnight, Uncle Stephen.
00:45:13Goodnight, Uncle Stephen.
00:45:26Would you care for a government health warning?
00:45:34Hey, Veronica?
00:45:35Yes?
00:45:36Who the hell's Uncle Stephen at ten past two in the morning?
00:45:39A friend of Jeremy's.
00:45:40He's going now.
00:45:44Goodnight, love.
00:45:48We would have done that, wouldn't we?
00:45:49And how?
00:45:50You can't win them all, can you?
00:45:55Anyway, do you good going without for a change.
00:46:05Still, there's always another day.
00:46:07Tomorrow?
00:46:08No.
00:46:10Tomorrow's another day.
00:46:12Not unless you happen to be in Plymouth.
00:46:15Where?
00:46:16I'm joining the Wrens for three years.
00:46:20What Wrens?
00:46:21The Royal Navy's Wrens.
00:46:26This time tomorrow I'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls and 30,000 sailors.
00:46:31Hope I like it.
00:46:36Well, thanks for nearly everything.
00:46:40We definitely would have done, wouldn't we?
00:46:42Well, obviously.
00:46:44We're as good as dead, in a way, really.
00:46:47Almost.
00:46:48Just keep telling yourself and we will have only better.
00:46:52Goodnight, love.
00:46:54Try our barrel.
00:47:00Morning, previous generation.
00:47:26What's for breakfast?
00:47:31You knew it was your mother's birthday.
00:47:33Now, what we'd like to know is where were you while we were fiddling on the flaming roof?
00:47:37I'm sorry, Mum.
00:47:39I'll take you out another night. Something cropped up.
00:47:41Like what?
00:47:43Dad, you understand.
00:47:47I don't, Geoffrey.
00:47:49Well, you always say you do.
00:47:51Geoffrey, you're at it every night.
00:47:54Yes, Dad.
00:47:55And we don't complain.
00:47:56No, Dad.
00:47:57The night was different.
00:47:58I knew you'd understand.
00:47:59I knew you'd understand.
00:48:27What's going on?
00:48:29Pounds down again.
00:48:31Up and down like a pair of knickers.
00:48:35You should know.
00:48:37Or me.
00:48:39You know what?
00:48:40What a night.
00:48:41Wow.
00:48:43The lot.
00:48:45Including action replays in slow motion.
00:48:46Wow. A lot.
00:48:50Including action replays in slow motion.
00:48:56Hey, lads, I picked up a bit of spare last night.
00:48:59Who didn't? No, it's true.
00:49:03Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:04It is. Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:12Bloody is.
00:49:16Poor Geoffrey.
00:49:17Beryl, please. It's Neville's engagement party as well.
00:49:20He had to invite him.
00:49:22He'll see me. It's cruel.
00:49:25He'll see other girls.
00:49:27I shan't take him back, Sandra.
00:49:30I shan't.
00:49:31It's been two weeks. He may have got over you by now.
00:49:36Don't know much about men, do you, love?
00:49:43It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:50:05Finally splitting up.
00:50:07He only had one ambition in life.
00:50:10Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:50:16Good job she hasn't joined the rent.
00:50:18The entire Navy had gone strike.
00:50:20I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:24I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:28She might have changed, of course.
00:50:30If she has, I might let her have the old orgy nine again.
00:50:33He's got to accept we've finally split up.
00:50:36Otherwise, I definitely won't take him back.
00:50:38Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:50:45At least I've got me pride.
00:50:48I left with Beryl, baby.
00:50:50Oh, hi.
00:50:51Didn't see you.
00:50:51No, nor me.
00:50:54And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on, then?
00:50:57United.
00:50:58We're winning every game now.
00:51:00Oh, good.
00:51:02And what's new with Geoffrey, then?
00:51:04Uh, I asked you what was new with you.
00:51:11I asked you.
00:51:16Did you?
00:51:17Need I say more?
00:51:20Pardon?
00:51:21And how's Beryl, baby, getting on, then?
00:51:24Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl, baby.
00:51:28It isn't like you.
00:51:29Say that again.
00:51:31Beryl, baby.
00:51:31What's your name, handsome?
00:51:36You'll laugh.
00:51:38Everybody laughs.
00:51:39It's the story of my life.
00:51:41You tell it like it is, Chuck.
00:51:50She's putting on an act.
00:51:53What do you care?
00:51:55I don't have a baby.
00:52:01Is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:06Probably.
00:52:10Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days.
00:52:13Well, it's very exhausting.
00:52:16What is?
00:52:19Working in a bank.
00:52:20I had this bad scene, this chick, and decided to split.
00:52:33So I cut out, man, like there's no tomorrow.
00:52:39This cat gets it together where he's at, man.
00:52:44Lots of beautiful bag, baby.
00:52:46So if you want a piece of the action, don't cool it.
00:52:53Dig?
00:52:58Sorry, I no understand English.
00:53:07Gesundheit.
00:53:07I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one.
00:53:13She has.
00:53:15And which is her husband?
00:53:17Neither.
00:53:22It's warming up, isn't it?
00:53:31Great beat, isn't it?
00:53:34Great to dance to.
00:53:35Do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:44Mine?
00:53:44If so, what's death?
00:53:47Erm.
00:53:49A banana.
00:53:52Yes, I expect it is when you think about it.
00:53:56Have you read Schopenhauer's concept of existence?
00:54:00Erm.
00:54:00No.
00:54:03But I've seen the film.
00:54:05You married?
00:54:08No.
00:54:09Grab yourself an adage.
00:54:11Marriage is a cabbage.
00:54:14Are you a poet?
00:54:16Never ask the questions.
00:54:18Ask the answers.
00:54:19You are a poet.
00:54:20To any manager, Marks and Spaces.
00:54:26Good job.
00:54:28I really dirt you.
00:54:30Now he's taking his clothes off.
00:54:34What's on ITV?
00:54:36This.
00:54:38What's on BBC?
00:54:39Catching over.
00:54:45What's that like?
00:54:46This.
00:54:49Oh, come on now.
00:54:50You know that's not where it's at.
00:54:52Let's get this.
00:54:54What's the word?
00:54:55Let's get it clear.
00:54:57Let's get down to the real nitty-grittiesville, okay?
00:55:00Women's lip is not about burning brass.
00:55:13Papers, yeah.
00:55:15What papers?
00:55:17A marriage certificate.
00:55:18A dog's license.
00:55:19Whatever you prefer to call it.
00:55:21Look, let's be basic about this, Enid.
00:55:23All girls want marriage.
00:55:24And a wide wedding.
00:55:26Really basic.
00:55:27You want to be really basic.
00:55:29Utterly basic.
00:55:30Balls.
00:55:32Grass?
00:55:35Enid.
00:55:36When Sandra says every girl, she means most girls.
00:55:39Well, like herself.
00:55:41Not me, of course, because I incredibly value my independence.
00:55:44But most girls definitely want...
00:55:46Balls!
00:55:48If you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to...
00:55:51I'm not recourseing to anything.
00:55:53I'm merely telling you what girls want.
00:55:55What?
00:55:55Balls!
00:55:56Oh!
00:55:56Would you please stop saying that?
00:56:00You believe in free love, right?
00:56:02Wrong!
00:56:02I believe in free everything.
00:56:04Freedom from all male chauvinists.
00:56:06Pig domination.
00:56:07Honestly, don't you understand?
00:56:09Excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:10If we're liberating society for the future, I'm sure.
00:56:12No, thank you.
00:56:13Excuse me.
00:56:13Excuse me.
00:56:14You've got your hand on me.
00:56:14I'm right, I'll turn it over.
00:56:15No!
00:56:16Ah!
00:56:16Oh, sorry.
00:56:18Wow, man, sorry.
00:56:20It's all right.
00:56:21Oh, gee.
00:56:21It's a pleasure.
00:56:23Grass?
00:56:24Geoffrey, if not to.
00:56:25Why not?
00:56:26I said don't.
00:56:27You're not to smoke it.
00:56:28We're as liberated as you, Enid.
00:56:42We've equal importance as individuals.
00:56:45Neither of us is boss.
00:56:46It just doesn't arise.
00:56:48We'll make some coffee, kid.
00:56:50Yes.
00:56:50You see, what we believe is a...
00:56:52Now.
00:56:55You see...
00:56:56Well, one.
00:56:58I can see there's only one way to get through.
00:57:05What are you doing?
00:57:06Lighting everybody's fire.
00:57:11Burn my bra.
00:57:16Right.
00:57:17That's it.
00:57:18Finished.
00:57:19The end.
00:57:20Full stop.
00:57:22We've finally split up.
00:57:24Neville, Sandra wants you.
00:57:26I should imagine.
00:57:29Sad, isn't it?
00:57:33Pathetic.
00:57:38Well, I can't follow plays these days.
00:57:41It's just showing real life, that's all.
00:57:48I once thought I'd found her.
00:57:50The perfect girl.
00:57:50The perfect girl.
00:57:54Red hair.
00:57:55Not too skinny.
00:57:57Very gentle and shy.
00:58:01Passionate when roused.
00:58:04Yeah.
00:58:04I should pack me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick.
00:58:09You're very sweet, Roland.
00:58:12I've always thought you were.
00:58:17Did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin?
00:58:21It's just I'm a bit tired.
00:58:22No, it's nice.
00:58:23I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:24Oh, sorry.
00:58:24I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:28I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:44I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:45Oh, sorry.
00:58:46Do you know...
00:58:47What, Beryl?
00:58:48You can ask me anything.
00:58:49Do you know where Geoffrey's got to?
00:58:50Hmm.
00:58:51He's upstairs, I think.
00:58:52Is it true they're dry on their own?
00:58:53Usually.
00:58:54Oh.
00:58:55It's very...
00:58:56Oh.
00:58:57Literally, it's very nice.
00:58:58Oh, sorry.
00:58:59It's very nice.
00:59:00What, Beryl?
00:59:01Do you know what?
00:59:02Do you know what?
00:59:03I don't think it's very nice.
00:59:04I mean, I don't think I can't find that one.
00:59:06Oh, I don't know.
00:59:07Oh, I don't think I can.
00:59:08Do you know what?
00:59:09Do you know where Geoffrey's got to?
00:59:11Hmm.
00:59:12He's upstairs, I think.
00:59:14Is it true they're dry on their own?
00:59:15Usually.
00:59:16Oh.
00:59:17Mm.
00:59:19Oh.
00:59:20Oh.
00:59:21Oh, I hate to be any trouble, but I think I'm dying.
00:59:25You'll be all right, honest.
00:59:27She said I shouldn't smoke it.
00:59:29Who?
00:59:30She said...
00:59:34Geoffrey?
00:59:38Geoffrey?
00:59:45Sorry.
00:59:51Geoffrey?
00:59:53Ooh.
00:59:56Move up a bit, Geoffrey.
00:59:59Put your legs.
01:00:01That's better.
01:00:05It's because it's your first time, isn't it?
01:00:13Call Dr. Wise, put a Quilmslow road.
01:00:21It wasn't marijuana, you know.
01:00:26What was it, then?
01:00:28Grass.
01:00:30Grass is marijuana.
01:00:33This grass wasn't.
01:00:35It was the real thing.
01:00:38From the front lawn.
01:00:49Is that you, Beryl?
01:00:51Had a nice time?
01:00:57Even though it's three o'clock in the morning.
01:01:00Not that I mind, if you've had a nice time.
01:01:03Even though I've been in bed since ten, having a good night's worry.
01:01:08Did you see Geoffrey?
01:01:13That's good.
01:01:13Good.
01:01:13Good.
01:01:21Good.
01:01:37I didn't try at all.
01:01:39Gave it to rest.
01:01:40I'm right off birds. I am. I am. For good. Me too. And me.
01:02:10Good morning. Your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:17Can I.
01:02:40Good morning.
01:03:08Oh, Beryl. Beryl.
01:03:16Geoffrey.
01:03:19Can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:24Oh, Beryl.
01:03:27Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:30Oh, God.
01:03:38Hello.
01:03:45Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:48Because we're thinking of taking bookies for the next pop festival.
01:03:51You're a bugger.
01:03:54I don't know who he takes after.
01:03:57Hello?
01:04:04It's me.
01:04:05Who?
01:04:06My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:07Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:08I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:12If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in tonight or any other night.
01:04:17Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:20That's a small world.
01:04:37a small world
01:04:49good evening mrs battersby i was looking for a nice lampshade
01:04:56oh probably this one definitely magic in satin oh certainly jeffrey who's here in his nice
01:05:06crimson shoes you'd like some nice fancy random paper wouldn't you
01:05:17i'm a child of the universe beryl i have a right to be here i'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on
01:05:21sundays try the co-op beryl listen if you can smell burning it's just that the vicar's been
01:05:25around burning his jock strap beryl listen have you got that in another color no madam i'll leave it
01:05:31then listen to what for heaven's sake don't matter what doesn't you wouldn't anyway wouldn't what
01:05:50go to the match with me on saturday me a football match with 40 000 skinheads and you
01:05:56you told you who are they playing
01:06:06uddersfield town in the car i've always wanted to watch uddersfield town
01:06:16the fourth from the bottom shows you
01:06:20away from home the one three drawn five and lost 12. drawn five
01:06:34so what do you think i think i nearly love you
01:06:50is
01:07:02never mind it's only a game
01:07:06i thought you said you nearly love me
01:07:08i don't recall grace kelly enticing prince rainier by going to watch united i may be wrong
01:07:21grace who we live in a permissive society beryl read any color supplement mother you're supposed to be
01:07:29my mother i am love and it wasn't through going to football matches you are the same mother that
01:07:35makes me tug my skirt down every time i stand up even if he's only on the phone yes so well uh boys are
01:07:41very sir and i am your mother that's what i said
01:07:44i don't mean uh permissive permissive
01:07:50i see romantic
01:07:55pardon
01:07:55kissing cuddling
01:07:57things of that nature
01:08:02oh we do do what what you just said good not too much i hope oh god
01:08:10boys are very funny they're novices compared to mothers
01:08:18did i tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains
01:08:23oh
01:08:27two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains
01:08:32fantastic
01:08:32the cowgills mr and mrs cowgill married couple newlyweds not long married you go bald doing that doing what
01:09:02well i'll tell you 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains
01:09:09living in sin
01:09:13can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it
01:09:21if i said to you do you think cassius clay would have beaten rocky marciano
01:09:25would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married
01:09:28i don't think so
01:09:29a barrel would
01:09:35giving you a bad time is she
01:09:38oh no i wouldn't say that
01:09:43i haven't even mentioned the word what word goodness me a single person can have a relationship
01:09:50with another single person without everyone thinking she's automatically i never said you were
01:09:54you think it
01:10:09all right jeffrey i hereby promise never to utter the word again
01:10:13marriage
01:10:16never
01:10:19well until i am if i ever do which i fervently hope i never will
01:10:24for someone who's not uttering something when's your lp coming out
01:10:27no two people have a divine right to happiness jeffrey you mustn't feel guilty about me
01:10:38sorry no one can say you've completely ruined my life not yet
01:10:44what are you staring at
01:10:55hello you all right son terrific
01:10:58why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat then your mother's theory is you're overworking
01:11:02my theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird oh what's your theory indigestion oh
01:11:14what's yours sundance
01:11:17hasn't he said anything at all he has said one thing oh what's that if god had meant sardines to be in
01:11:23oil it had given them dipsticks all right
01:11:27the weeks and months dragged by and with neither side willing to compromise we still have deadlock
01:11:34her majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma another wild
01:11:40night learning what i know spells and how many of us school pals are getting married
01:11:44and what no spells and what no spells great i might as well go bald and open my own monastery
01:11:52and so society that's you and me says end this dispute end it now good night
01:12:01area good one day terrific especially when he said good night we're just enjoying ourselves
01:12:10having a good time just having fun being happy take two a day after meals
01:12:19and one if you find yourself crying hard out again in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all
01:12:27you're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend absolutely positive
01:12:33that was the first film we ever saw together
01:12:38make that three a day after meals
01:12:49look beryl how's this for a peace plan you join a marriage bureau and i'll get a job on the stage
01:12:56twice nightly in denmark then we'll both be happy right right good jesus christ superstar amen
01:13:03oh
01:13:05oh hell pounds up again see you tomorrow
01:13:10where do you think you're going
01:13:17jeffrey i'll get the sack it's important
01:13:19i keep asking you what is
01:13:28what is
01:13:29what is to be on our own
01:13:31moon what says we can talk what
01:13:42had a whole speech worked out on the bus this morning
01:13:45the only bit i can remember is and that's what i think
01:13:51last night i dreamt i was in goal for manchester united and grace kelly kicked nine goals past me
01:13:56grace who she was playing for united as well weird isn't it
01:14:00the main thing is
01:14:12we do communicate
01:14:13oh we do
01:14:24see what face
01:14:24see what i think
01:14:24see what i think
01:14:26go on
01:14:27no you mine wasn't important
01:14:30her mum wasn't
01:14:41beryl
01:14:42are you happy
01:14:48of course
01:14:51very
01:14:54i am
01:14:55no one is every second of every minute of every day
01:15:01no
01:15:03i'm not
01:15:08do you think it's because we love each other do you think
01:15:12i think
01:15:17probably
01:15:18not actually said the words often
01:15:20well not in so many words
01:15:23mostly in words to that effect
01:15:38is there anything you don't love about me
01:15:42no i don't think so
01:15:43honestly no
01:15:45nothing
01:15:46if there is
01:15:47there isn't
01:15:47you just tell me and i'll stop doing it
01:15:49there isn't anything
01:15:50honest
01:15:51good
01:15:54it wouldn't upset me
01:15:55it'd just make me a better human being to deserve your love
01:15:58like
01:16:04you know
01:16:06crimson shoes and bottle green socks
01:16:10well you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks beryl
01:16:13if i did i'd stop
01:16:14to please you
01:16:20see
01:16:25there's no need to be sensitive jeffrey
01:16:27in a meaningful relationship you must like even what you don't
01:16:30your mother
01:16:33pardon
01:16:34i like your mother
01:16:35please don't sulk jeffrey
01:16:37handle lampshades
01:16:38sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person
01:16:42well you ought to know you've almost made it an art form
01:16:45anything else at random
01:16:46you've got 24 hours to spare
01:16:48after all i'm no bridget bardo
01:16:51according to reliable sources in san trapez she's 105 next birthday
01:16:54over 98 percent of the male population of manchester and salford can tell the difference
01:16:58between bridget bardo and beryl battersby
01:17:00ask any opinion poll i'm much fatter for a start
01:17:04you're not all that fat beryl
01:17:05i am
01:17:06start slimming
01:17:07men like something to get hold of
01:17:08if they're allowed to get hold of it
01:17:10you always succeed in getting back to percy filth in the end don't you always
01:17:14no i don't beryl you do i always fail
01:17:18do you know what some girls find extremely likable
01:17:20the extremely likable way some boys stare at every girl they see
01:17:23boys like it when girls tell them what no spells
01:17:26especially for the 600th time that they really dig
01:17:30you never say dig
01:17:31i did then
01:17:33your passionate unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about that's
01:17:38really lovable
01:17:39i never knew you thought that
01:17:41neither did i do now though
01:17:53used to say dig before i met you
01:17:59used to say all sorts of things
01:18:00there's a lot about me i can't even remember
01:18:19i think so
01:18:35we just don't like each other
01:18:38at all
01:18:49i don't like each other
01:18:51oh goodbye then
01:18:54good luck
01:18:55peace man
01:19:00saint anne square
01:19:01saint anne square please
01:19:02so that just leaves a cot
01:19:15two matinee coats
01:19:17two romper suits
01:19:20and what else do i need
01:19:22oh yes a ring
01:19:24teething ring
01:19:26wedding ring
01:19:27oh of course
01:19:29oh they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days
01:19:32no wonder everyone's at it
01:19:35oh sorry
01:19:37what about
01:19:38skip it
01:19:40about time too
01:19:41with her sympathy
01:19:43not that i need any actually i've never been as happy in my life
01:19:46but she doesn't know that
01:19:49if i'm looking miserable sandra it's because i'm feeling happy for you
01:19:53yeah
01:19:58we know what you must be thinking
01:19:59of course we do
01:20:01how to pop the pink without going in off
01:20:08ace
01:20:09she used to wear pink you know
01:20:13i won't tell you where
01:20:17a hell of a lot more where hers came from
01:20:19wow
01:20:20did you want the chalk jeffrey
01:20:26i know spells no
01:20:30super day for it
01:20:32hmm sin being inside a day like this
01:20:36well sandra
01:20:38this is it
01:20:39yep
01:20:40the big day
01:20:42yep
01:20:43coming to the crutch
01:20:44crunch
01:20:46i dare say it'll hardly break my heart in the slightest seeing him again
01:20:51you mustn't think i'll be crying inside because i most definitely won't be
01:20:55and what's more no one will know that i am
01:20:58because i shan't
01:20:59truly
01:21:02sandra please you've enough to think of
01:21:08it's a big day for you as well really isn't it
01:21:10and now one of the bride and groom on their own
01:21:19do you mind stepping back sir
01:21:20it's fine
01:21:21it's just fine enough
01:21:23here
01:21:23about there lovely
01:21:26you can kiss the bride on this one sir
01:21:27wow official permission to actually kiss her
01:21:30whoosh
01:21:31ow
01:21:33oh sorry
01:21:34that's right
01:21:36hold it
01:21:37lovely
01:21:39thank you
01:21:40right now a nice family group of the parents please
01:21:43right
01:21:43funny
01:21:44i remember the friday lunch time we first met
01:21:48how have you been
01:21:50absolutely great
01:21:52you
01:21:53never better
01:21:54ever
01:21:54that's it
01:21:55a little bit like that
01:21:58it's all over now
01:21:59bar the salmon salad
01:22:02it's tuna fish
01:22:04it's life
01:22:12see president nixon went to china then
01:22:15that was before we ever met
01:22:17i know
01:22:18why has something happened about it
01:22:21no
01:22:21no
01:22:21no
01:22:22could i trouble you for the salad cream please
01:22:27speaking personally i think there are enough problems to sort out on earth without going to the moon
01:22:33nixon
01:22:34why is he going
01:22:36no
01:22:38the astronauts
01:22:39oh
01:22:41it's the wives and sweethearts i feel sorry for
01:22:46we never really talked did we about things that matter
01:22:50good isn't it
01:22:51shows we're friends
01:22:53now that we know we don't like each other
01:22:55everybody thinks we're broken hearted
01:23:01we've really grown up haven't we
01:23:04my mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much percy filth
01:23:07i'm right off it myself
01:23:09i've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks
01:23:13oh i expect it's only temporary i hope not it's marvelous
01:23:18good
01:23:19i don't fancy you in the slightest now
01:23:22thank you love
01:23:26still off the food i noticed
01:23:32and we've learned a fantastic amount for the future
01:23:35fantastic
01:23:36for example say i finally did marry someone like you only someone i love
01:23:41i bet i'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night
01:23:46in bed a bit
01:23:51and you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of kenny warhoe
01:23:55and marry her three days later
01:23:59we probably won't see each other at all now we're pals
01:24:02i expect you're going to the match this afternoon oh yeah
01:24:05i'm helping sandra packer going away case
01:24:08where should you go in hospital
01:24:13well we'll bump into each other sometime
01:24:20well
01:24:26well
01:24:30Ah, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
01:24:58He won't remember me.
01:25:01Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:05Is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:11There is no football. It's cricket now.
01:25:14Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:28Hi.
01:25:41When's the kick-off?
01:25:44In about three months. Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:48Oh, what on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:51I forgot. I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:57Where will you go now, then?
01:26:00Don't know.
01:26:02Could always go inside and practise booing for next season.
01:26:07Where will you?
01:26:10Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:13Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:16Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:18May as well, if you like. Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:22Just as friends.
01:26:25Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:27Yeah, I did.
01:26:35Wish we had a ball.
01:26:37Could play shooting in.
01:26:42You could go in goal.
01:26:44Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:27:14Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:22We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:25Anyone, really.
01:27:33There's millions to choose from.
01:27:37All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:41You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:42You will, Beryl.
01:27:45Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:48Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:50Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:56Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:57Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:59Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:00Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:01Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:02Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:03Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:04Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:05Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:06Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:07Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:08Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:09Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:10Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:11Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:12Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:13Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:14Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:15Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:16Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:17Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:18And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's dark
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:58Love and rainy weather
01:29:00Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's dark
01:29:12Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:22Love and rainy weather
01:29:25Love and rainy weather
01:29:29Love and rainy weather
01:29:34The sun
01:29:34Love and rainy weather
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