00:00Is your life going smoothly?
00:03Are you just floating from event to event
00:05feeling good about yourself?
00:07Because I'm not.
00:09These are technically the areas of my life
00:12that make me feel like something's wrong with me.
00:15So I get a pitbull named Keith
00:18and everybody told me
00:20Keith's going to be your best friend.
00:21And I gotta say,
00:23maybe my ninth best friend.
00:27Most interactions I have
00:29I feel like when you go to throw something away
00:31and it's in one of those garbage cans
00:32it's got like a garbage hole,
00:34a recycling hole,
00:35and a compost hole
00:36and you do your best
00:37but afterward you're like,
00:38I don't think I did that right.
00:41Never been married.
00:43I don't think I can guarantee
00:44a woman's emotional safety.
00:46Pretty accessible comedy show, huh folks?
00:49Something really is wrong with you, dude.
00:51I don't think weed works on me.
00:52They sponsored comedy shows
00:55that I get like, you know,
00:56bags and vapes and pipes.
00:58I have so much weed at my house
00:59that I cannot use.
01:00I basically become one of those old ladies
01:02with a lemon tree in her backyard.
01:04I'm like, take some weed,
01:04weed, take some weed.
01:07But you ever ask married people how it is?
01:09Women sound like a politician
01:11ducking a hot button issue.
01:12Hey Lisa, how are things you doing, Mike?
01:14And she's like, kids are great.
01:18Guys sound like they're reading a hostage letter.
01:21They're like, hey Mike,
01:21how are things you doing, Lisa?
01:22And he's like, hello.
01:26I am happy.
01:27I am happy.
01:27I am happy.
01:27I am happy.
01:28I am happy.
01:28I am happy.
01:29I am happy.
01:29I am happy.
01:30I am happy.
01:30I am happy.
01:31I am happy.
01:31I am happy.
01:32I am happy.
01:32I am happy.
01:33I am happy.
01:33I am happy.
01:34I am happy.
01:34I am happy.
01:35I am happy.
01:35I am happy.
01:36I am happy.
01:36I am happy.
01:37I am happy.
01:37I am happy.
01:38I am happy.
01:38I am happy.
01:39I am happy.
01:39I am happy.
01:40I am happy.
01:40I am happy.
01:41I am happy.
01:42I am happy.
01:43I am happy.
01:44I am happy.
01:45I am happy.
01:46I am happy.
01:47I am happy.
01:48I am happy.
01:49I am happy.
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