- 8/5/2025
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:06CastingWords
00:01:07CastingWords
00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only manners these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26Jesus! God is Lord!
00:01:30Jesus!
00:01:56We've never seen him in real life, though.
00:01:58And he's picturing the papers.
00:02:00Oh, come on, Sandra, let's go.
00:02:02No, I don't want to. I want to wait.
00:02:04Oh, he'll be standing out here. It's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:07Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:09But that was yesterday. He might be here today.
00:02:11Oh, no. And he'll be really deaf standing here.
00:02:13Come on. Come on.
00:02:14You're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16Oh, wait. Please, let's go.
00:02:21Oh, no.
00:02:23I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:24But I feel a right twit now.
00:02:27I don't fancy yours.
00:02:29Which is mine?
00:02:31Any except the blonde.
00:02:33Oh, good.
00:02:36Who are being stared at? Where?
00:02:41I don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:46Any.
00:02:47Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:51Thanks. Neither do I.
00:02:55Fancy the one with the twitch?
00:02:59About as much as Mountsy-Tung's grandad.
00:03:01With all due respect.
00:03:03To his grandad.
00:03:05Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:07You.
00:03:09I thought we were giving sex up.
00:03:10There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:13Ignore them.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:25Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:32Peace, ma'am.
00:03:34Were you hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:36He's in Mallorca.
00:03:39Come on, then.
00:03:40We only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:43It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:51Come on.
00:03:52I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:58It's our lunch hour.
00:04:00It's ours.
00:04:02We were going for lunch.
00:04:07Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Mallorca?
00:04:11It's one place I've never been.
00:04:14Pardon?
00:04:17I'm Jeffrey.
00:04:18I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:24Don't you worry.
00:04:25Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:26Don't you worry.
00:04:27Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:29Every single time.
00:04:30Don't you worry.
00:04:31Don't you worry.
00:04:32Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:37Don't you worry.
00:04:39Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:42Every single time.
00:04:44Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:50together fine, every single time, first you're up there, on another plane and then you're
00:05:07nowhere, and the tears are raining down, it's a run around,
00:05:19love and rainy weather, surely can get you down.
00:05:31Going twisting tonight then?
00:05:37That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:39What? Cutting a rug.
00:05:43Pardon?
00:05:44Grooving, Mildred. It's called grooving nowadays, grooving and or freaking, right?
00:05:50What I'm not doing tonight?
00:05:52Right.
00:05:53Right on.
00:05:54You're staying in tonight then?
00:05:56Tonight? Tomorrow night?
00:05:58Every night.
00:06:00You might sell me overcoat.
00:06:02Life's not all pleasure, you know.
00:06:04Mildred, don't hassle the lad.
00:06:08Hustle.
00:06:10It's a different world today, Mildred.
00:06:12We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this Finney Haddy cost.
00:06:16They do their own thing.
00:06:18The usual 1,300 weight?
00:06:20Yes, please.
00:06:21Now that's the new world that we work for and fought for.
00:06:27Full page advert for contraception.
00:06:30It's his birthright.
00:06:32I'm not hungry.
00:06:35What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:38It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.
00:06:50La, la, la.
00:06:52La, la, la.
00:06:59I enjoy staying in Chattingham an evening.
00:07:03I find it fantastically enjoyable.
00:07:06No, really.
00:07:07I really do.
00:07:08Some people don't.
00:07:12I do.
00:07:13Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:07:15Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.
00:07:19Paul McCartney who?
00:07:20He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:23And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:07:26I sacrificed too much for your six-o levels.
00:07:29You were terrific in the pictures.
00:07:32I never touched you.
00:07:34Terrific self-control.
00:07:36What did you say your name was?
00:07:40Mind you, just a weekend I do with you, Paul.
00:07:41Not a dirty weekend.
00:07:42A disgusting one.
00:07:43Ha ha.
00:07:44Ha ha.
00:07:45Ha ha.
00:07:46Ha ha.
00:07:47Ha ha.
00:07:48Ha ha.
00:07:49Mind you, just a weekend I do with you, Paul.
00:07:50Not a dirty weekend.
00:07:51A disgusting one.
00:07:52Ha ha.
00:07:53Ha ha.
00:07:54Ha ha.
00:07:55Ha ha.
00:07:56Ha ha.
00:07:57Ha ha.
00:07:58Ha ha.
00:07:59Ha ha.
00:08:00Ha ha.
00:08:01Ha ha.
00:08:02Mind you, just a weekend I do with you, Paul.
00:08:04Not a dirty weekend.
00:08:06A disgusting one.
00:08:08Ha ha.
00:08:09Ha ha.
00:08:10Ha ha.
00:08:11Ha ha.
00:08:12Ha ha.
00:08:13Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:08:15Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:27It's not my fault.
00:08:30It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:35It's psychosomatic.
00:08:40I'm sorry.
00:08:45Ah.
00:09:02Oh, Sandra.
00:09:05It is almost blonde in this light.
00:09:10What's wrong?
00:09:13Just being brave.
00:09:15What about?
00:09:16Ending it all.
00:09:19Before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:22It's our first date.
00:09:25I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:30Not yet.
00:09:31Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:34Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:39Straight from Stanley Matthews to Brigitte Bardot you went.
00:09:43Overnight.
00:09:44That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:47It's artistic, Mother.
00:09:49Like your Tutankhamen butter dish.
00:09:52What?
00:09:53Got it.
00:09:54Got what?
00:09:55You now ask if I never want to see you again.
00:10:09I say I do.
00:10:10You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:10:13How about Sunday, half seven outside Central Library?
00:10:16No, I don't.
00:10:17Tomorrow, half seven outside Central Library.
00:10:20Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:25It does not.
00:10:27I thought it did.
00:10:29Not till you've unfastened the press, Studd.
00:10:35I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning.
00:10:38You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.
00:10:40I don't intend to marry her, Mother.
00:10:42In case it interferes with my career.
00:10:45We're just good friends.
00:10:47Goodnight.
00:10:59Miss Bardot.
00:11:05Marry me.
00:11:09You know what they say?
00:11:11Once you've had a Manchester lad, you never touch anything else.
00:11:14Martin!
00:11:16Martin!
00:11:18Martin!
00:11:20Martin!
00:11:22Martin!
00:11:24Martin!
00:11:26Martin!
00:11:27Martin!
00:11:28Martin!
00:11:29Martin!
00:11:30That time and all.
00:11:31Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:33Aye.
00:11:34Peace, man.
00:11:36Did you have a good time, this night?
00:11:37Great.
00:11:38Did you?
00:11:39Satisfied.
00:11:40I saved him for a change.
00:11:44Did you get much?
00:11:46Did you?
00:11:51Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?
00:11:54Not that I have done.
00:11:57I played him for a change instead.
00:12:18Ticket!
00:12:19I ain't got me ticket.
00:12:20We're late already.
00:12:22See you behind the goal then.
00:12:25Aye!
00:12:26Aye!
00:12:27Aye!
00:12:28Aye!
00:12:29Aye!
00:12:30Aye!
00:12:31Aye!
00:12:32Aye!
00:12:33Aye!
00:12:34Aye!
00:12:35Aye!
00:12:36Aye!
00:12:37Aye!
00:12:38Aye!
00:12:40Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her.
00:12:43Snooty old bag.
00:12:44Trendy.
00:12:45Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
00:12:46Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:47Still, who else would have him?
00:12:48Anyway, they're all the same in the dark.
00:12:49Rumor has it.
00:12:50Different girl every night.
00:12:51You can tell the type.
00:12:52Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:12:56Bet we lose.
00:12:573-1.
00:12:58Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:12:59At least I've got me proud.
00:13:01Oh, hello.
00:13:02Oh, hi.
00:13:03Hi.
00:13:04He's on the phone.
00:13:05Ann C.
00:13:05And they just won't cut this all together.
00:13:07And they're all the same in the dark.
00:13:08Anyway, they're all the same in the dark.
00:13:10Rumor has it.
00:13:11Different girl every night.
00:13:12It's all the type.
00:13:13Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:13:17I bet we lose.
00:13:193-1.
00:13:20Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:13:24At least I've got me proud.
00:13:25Oh, hello.
00:13:26Oh, hi.
00:13:28Oh, hi.
00:13:29Hi.
00:13:30Didn't see you.
00:13:31No, Normie.
00:13:34Are you going that way?
00:13:35Yeah.
00:13:36Not especially, no.
00:13:38Are you going that?
00:13:40Yeah, well, um, no.
00:13:42I was sort of...
00:13:44Going to the football match?
00:13:46Are you?
00:13:46Shopping.
00:13:53I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.
00:13:56I am.
00:13:56Which?
00:13:56Which are you?
00:13:57Any?
00:13:58I am.
00:14:06See you then.
00:14:08Tonight?
00:14:09Pardon?
00:14:10Oh, I...
00:14:11All right, then.
00:14:13Right.
00:14:19Super socks.
00:14:24Did you see that?
00:14:26They're all on drugs.
00:14:27They're all on drugs.
00:14:27The Lots of them.
00:14:46He's score.
00:14:47Losing.
00:14:483-1
00:14:50Excuse me, I...
00:15:20I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:24Ah.
00:15:28Hi.
00:15:30Hello, mate.
00:15:32Peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:36In anywhere controversial?
00:15:38Pictures. The boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim. I'm just going to the...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:46Are you and Beryl, um...
00:15:48You know.
00:15:50You know.
00:15:52Oh.
00:15:54What do you, uh...
00:15:56What do you sort of reckon?
00:15:58She's a...
00:16:00Fair sort of bird.
00:16:02Sort of.
00:16:04She's all right.
00:16:06She's all right.
00:16:08I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:10Geoffrey.
00:16:12She's a bird.
00:16:14You having a coffee with us?
00:16:16No thanks, kid. Neville's ravenous.
00:16:18You've just eaten.
00:16:20Oh, of course, yeah. Sorry.
00:16:22You see...
00:16:24What I thought was all this...
00:16:26...trying to do...
00:16:28By implication.
00:16:30Probably by implication.
00:16:32Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgement.
00:16:34You see.
00:16:36Yes.
00:16:38Was he the errand boy?
00:16:40Was who the errand boy?
00:16:42Ken Thingy.
00:16:44He directed it.
00:16:46Oh, yes.
00:16:48I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:16:50Probably.
00:16:52You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:16:54Well, I'm probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:16:57It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:00And you talk to me the whole way.
00:17:02I could laugh at all.
00:17:04I could laugh at all.
00:17:06You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:08I'm probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:10It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:12You talk to me the whole way.
00:17:14I could laugh at all.
00:17:16She talked to me the whole way, like a person.
00:17:22Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:25Sex? Marriage.
00:17:27Pardon?
00:17:29The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:32A couple of dates and pal they want to get married.
00:17:35I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:38I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:41Get married?
00:17:43No.
00:17:46Actually, I find girls, most girls that is, a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:54Not marriage.
00:17:56No. Sex.
00:17:59Percy Filth?
00:18:02Sex.
00:18:04That's what I said.
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:07Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:09Not Percy Filth motivated?
00:18:11No.
00:18:13No.
00:18:15Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:16Ken Russell.
00:18:17Yeah.
00:18:18No.
00:18:19No.
00:18:20No.
00:18:21No.
00:18:22No.
00:18:23No.
00:18:24No.
00:18:25No.
00:18:26No.
00:18:27No.
00:18:28No.
00:18:29Ken Russell.
00:18:30Ken Russell.
00:18:31Yeah.
00:18:32No.
00:18:37This is it.
00:18:39No.
00:18:40I won't come in with it being our first date.
00:18:54No.
00:18:55Oh.
00:18:56Anywhere my mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:18:59Is that a reason for me not coming in now?
00:19:01Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:02Oh.
00:19:03Nice house.
00:19:0525-year mortgage.
00:19:06Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:09Funny, isn't it?
00:19:10First date with someone.
00:19:11It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:12Either nothing.
00:19:13Or something.
00:19:14Or everything.
00:19:15Don't think about parents.
00:19:16twenty-five year mortgage well thanks for seeing me home
00:19:27funny isn't it? first date with someone. it always leads to one of three things
00:19:34either nothing or something
00:19:40or everything
00:19:43don't think about Percy Filth at this stage Beryl. you're not? no I'm not
00:19:51night night. god bless
00:20:04I won't give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females
00:20:08what is it? three two seven double four two one
00:20:11the easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five which is two less than seven
00:20:15then two fours and half of four which is two and half of two which is one
00:20:19but you mustn't ring me if you don't want
00:20:21no
00:20:22but you can if you do
00:20:23do you want me to?
00:20:25not if you'd rather not
00:20:27three two seven double four two one
00:20:29good night
00:20:31one
00:20:33one
00:20:34one
00:20:35two
00:20:36one
00:20:37one
00:20:38two
00:20:39one
00:20:40Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
00:21:02Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:21:04Oh, the all of me past life flashed before me then.
00:21:10Can't be Mother's Day. You'd have forgotten.
00:21:14Has there been any clips?
00:21:16Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:20What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:23You see, Geoffrey has this theory that by implication...
00:21:27Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:28Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:31These things. Everything.
00:21:33Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:35He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:37See, Geoffrey's idea...
00:21:39Beryl, who's Geoffrey?
00:21:41Oh, no-one.
00:21:47No-one's special.
00:21:53His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:55How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:22:01What Beryl Bird? I told him.
00:22:04Did she, er...
00:22:05Did she, er...
00:22:07What?
00:22:09Wow!
00:22:13She doesn't, then.
00:22:15You don't listen, do you?
00:22:17I said...
00:22:18How about Sandra?
00:22:27Chips.
00:22:28Chums, sod.
00:22:34Not seeing him tonight, then.
00:22:36Who?
00:22:45I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:55Said he was no-one special.
00:22:58Have they got a phone here?
00:23:00Why?
00:23:03They haven't, have they?
00:23:05Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:08If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:10Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:13Are you?
00:23:15We'll split after this game.
00:23:16Anything you say.
00:23:17We can go for a few at the King's Head.
00:23:19Great.
00:23:21And that ends our probe.
00:23:23Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:25Hallelujah.
00:23:26Pardon?
00:23:27I don't know what you're paying for that phone, but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:31Goodnight.
00:23:57Morning.
00:23:58Morning.
00:23:59Chalton for Pope.
00:24:00Long may you reign.
00:24:01Amen.
00:24:02What's going on?
00:24:03Pound's up again.
00:24:04Oh, God.
00:24:05Today's special.
00:24:06Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:07Yeah.
00:24:08Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:09Except those.
00:24:10Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:11Bye.
00:24:12Bye.
00:24:13Bye.
00:24:14Bye.
00:24:15Bye.
00:24:16Bye.
00:24:17Bye.
00:24:18Bye.
00:24:19Bye.
00:24:20Bye.
00:24:21Bye.
00:24:22Wah fotografies, Mac.
00:24:23Bye.
00:24:24Today's special.
00:24:25Bloody travellers Jax.
00:24:26Yeah.
00:24:27Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:28Except those.
00:24:29Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:30why do we always do that 93 times a day we never see anything
00:25:00my timing not disturbing your singing i hope see jeffrey on sunday
00:25:22oh jeffrey that neville's the greatest
00:25:26is he dishy or is he dishy
00:25:35never comes i'm considering packing jeffrey in one date was enough why he's cancer and i'm libra is
00:25:45that bad hopeless actually i'm slightly off the male gender at the moment
00:25:56five five which is which is three and two is five which is two less than seven
00:26:08which is
00:26:13i see the spanish police are throwing your lot out of ibiza
00:26:17bank clerks your lot football supporters hippies oh my lot
00:26:27at the third stroke it will be 7 22 and 40 seconds
00:26:36it will be 7 22 and 50 seconds
00:26:38that's it then fate all over by 7 23 precisely
00:26:48so what plenty more where she came from
00:26:55is that the speaking clock is that jeffrey is that beryl yes yes hi
00:27:03it's terrifically exciting isn't it getting to know a person fantastic
00:27:28i want to know all about you that's what it's all about
00:27:39for example with things in common already definitely
00:27:45like what
00:27:46we're enormously fond of animals right and we're both from manchester
00:28:00have you ever been abroad no
00:28:04have you no unless you count istanbul
00:28:08is that was it beyond belief i don't know i was only three
00:28:19do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before
00:28:22sometimes i do
00:28:26what now
00:28:29no just just sometimes
00:28:32yes i do
00:28:39such a lot isn't there
00:28:42in getting to know others
00:28:49he was live and easy-limbed his stride quietly casual his eyes clear and confident and his
00:28:57strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed assured lopsided grin
00:29:07you know jeffrey you have a really lopsided grin
00:29:11really you know lopsided
00:29:15i don't think i have it's in the eye of the beholder
00:29:21see
00:29:21jeffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot
00:29:27he holds it down with his little finger
00:29:30it must be marvelous being a man
00:29:34it's okay i suppose men can do anything conquer everest do heart transplants become leader of the
00:29:41opposition
00:29:43anything
00:29:53jeffrey no spells no
00:29:56it's good for your circulation beryl read any women's magazine
00:30:00it's good for theirs too
00:30:01i'm not sure they recommend percyfilth on tuesdays
00:30:05i only see you on tuesdays and saturdays all saturdays
00:30:10beryl
00:30:15beryl
00:30:16oh jeffrey bobbles bumble
00:30:18oh beryl
00:30:19oh jeffrey
00:30:21oh beryl
00:30:23are you all right what exactly happened don't tell me
00:30:26i just had a sharp attack of dramatic irony
00:30:28pardon
00:30:35come back they're better it's better i'm okay
00:30:41i told you it's going to pause it's not
00:30:52it's only the angels crying
00:30:55i know how they feel
00:30:58well don't blame me i haven't done anything
00:31:00that's true
00:31:01that's not true beryl i have apologized
00:31:06i keep going down on my knees when i'm talking to you
00:31:08independent observers think i'm training to be a cossack dancer
00:31:12it must be a bad line i can't hear you you'd better apologize again
00:31:18i apologize again
00:31:20gosh this lousy line
00:31:23i wonder if jeffrey would like to come to tea on sunday
00:31:26okay
00:31:28pardon
00:31:30pardon
00:31:32is that who i think it is
00:31:33no dear
00:31:34Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:51Sardine sandwich.
00:31:53Is it all sardine?
00:31:54Yeah.
00:31:56She's got her own trawler.
00:31:57Isn't it awful?
00:32:05What?
00:32:06I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:32:08What's happening in the world?
00:32:09I blame the politicians.
00:32:11What for?
00:32:12For what's happening in the world.
00:32:17Talk to her.
00:32:21I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:23Tasty.
00:32:24They're in oil.
00:32:27They're nice in oil.
00:32:28She's got a bad leg.
00:32:31The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:34Why, after this little baker down the road, he does something with the bleach.
00:32:40Yes.
00:32:47Can't do long conversations about sardine sandwiches.
00:32:50Mine goes blank.
00:32:54Start thinking about life after death.
00:33:01Oh, that Neville, honestly.
00:33:04Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:33:06Every girl in Manchester, nearly.
00:33:09Geoffrey definitely has.
00:33:10Probably even more.
00:33:12Air hostesses.
00:33:16All sorts.
00:33:18Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:20I haven't had one yet.
00:33:22White man speak with forked tongue.
00:33:25Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:26Wow, is that the time, at this moment in time?
00:33:36What have I done?
00:33:37Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:40Right in the slightest.
00:33:42You're lucky.
00:33:43Why, it's Geoffrey.
00:33:46Wow.
00:33:47You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:50Of course not.
00:33:50Why should I be?
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey.
00:33:53Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:58Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:03Who needs drama?
00:34:06So I shouted back at her.
00:34:08No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:10In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:14He thumped you.
00:34:16Walloped you on?
00:34:17No, I said nearly.
00:34:23You'll never thump me, will you?
00:34:25Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:27She adores it.
00:34:28Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:34Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:37It isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38He used to talk to me.
00:34:40All right, let's talk.
00:34:41Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:49Why?
00:34:49Is your mum going out?
00:34:53May as well pack in, really.
00:34:57Why?
00:34:59Why not?
00:35:03Good thinking.
00:35:03Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too.
00:35:13It was real.
00:35:14It's psychedelic.
00:35:15You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:17I was scratched anyway.
00:35:20It's been a gasp.
00:35:21Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:28It's been a gasp.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:30You're well-bred barrel.
00:35:42There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:50Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:53You know you can't do it.
00:36:00You'll never thund me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:03Ow!
00:36:04Beryl, I just had the most super idea.
00:36:07Are we going to put it up?
00:36:08No.
00:36:09We're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that.
00:36:11Please don't say that.
00:36:12That.
00:36:15Sandra.
00:36:16Sandra.
00:36:18You're Sandra.
00:36:19Mine.
00:36:23Two months.
00:36:24Two months, nine days.
00:36:26Is she positive?
00:36:30The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:35Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations.
00:36:40I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:56You're, too.
00:36:57I don't know.
00:37:27John for Pope.
00:37:43Long may reign.
00:37:50Aren't you, uh...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:55And you're, uh...
00:37:57That's right.
00:37:59Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting my parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:09Uh...
00:38:10Oh, hell no, that's tomorrow.
00:38:13If I'm in the mood.
00:38:16Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:27All I was saying about your friend with the glasses.
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:34Roland.
00:38:35Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:39It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:43And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:46Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:49I packed her in.
00:38:50I packed her in.
00:38:54Oh, my.
00:38:58Did she turn you off?
00:39:01Beryl?
00:39:01Beryl.
00:39:02Beryl.
00:39:03I haven't really looked.
00:39:09Seen one.
00:39:10You've seen them all.
00:39:13Not quite all.
00:39:15I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:16It must be my birthday.
00:39:28Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:31I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Filth.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:42Mmm.
00:39:43Oh, you were terrific, old boss.
00:39:47Was it?
00:39:48Mmm.
00:39:50Terrific self-control.
00:39:53Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:02I happen to be interested in having early nights
00:40:04and writing poetry in bed with me Moe Felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink.
00:40:07I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:10My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:14Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:16Mmm, don't.
00:40:18Please.
00:40:19You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:25Mmm.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:33It is me birthday.
00:40:34What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:40I don't believe that question.
00:40:42You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:45I was 11 years old.
00:40:47He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:49I was 20 years old.
00:40:58I was 18 years old.
00:41:12I was 18 years old.
00:41:13what's your name again what's yours rock that's not your real name no Stephen
00:41:27God that turns me on
00:41:31when I first met you in the street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat
00:41:42shows you the art of conversation ain't dead
00:41:45don't move a muscle however gorgeous
00:42:12testing testing oh Jeffrey Milleharp returns to the day I wish you everything you've ever wished
00:42:24yourself
00:42:31I'm fed up who are you oh yeah what are you fed up about teachers don't have to do homework
00:42:40no they just market anyone can market they've got the answers
00:42:47do you know it's after two o'clock what are you doing here then well this is your uncle Steven this is my
00:43:04revolting brother Jeremy how do you do don't my mum and dad know he's here Jeremy bed I could always wake them up and tell them Jeremy little boys need sleep
00:43:11do you know it's after two o'clock what's he doing here then
00:43:17well this is your uncle Steven this is my revolting brother Jeremy
00:43:21how do you do
00:43:22how do you do
00:43:23don't my mum and dad know he's here Jeremy bed I could always wake them up and tell them Jeremy little boys need sleep
00:43:34even big astronauts do you know where babies come from do you say no no I do say yes shall I tell you he knows the man has this male organ and some blood
00:43:51cells and erectile glands and there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has as well and they go through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has
00:44:02who told you that then they go to the fallopian tubes after that one of them fertilizes with the female egg the others don't bother
00:44:11anyway that's what you have to do then you have a baby
00:44:15did they teach you that at school
00:44:18they do woodwork in the next class
00:44:20people can only make babies at certain times of the year but animals like dogs and cats and giraffes I think do it all the time
00:44:29no that's people
00:44:34what is
00:44:35well people do it all the time
00:44:40whenever they feel like it
00:44:47in the next class you can do metal work if you don't like woodwork
00:44:53goodnight Jeremy
00:44:5625p
00:44:5850
00:45:0050
00:45:02goodnight Uncle Stephen
00:45:13goodnight Uncle Stephen
00:45:15goodnight
00:45:28goodnight love
00:45:29we would have done that wouldn't we
00:45:44and how
00:45:46you can't win them all can you
00:45:56anyway
00:45:57do you good going without for a change
00:46:04still there's always another day
00:46:06tomorrow
00:46:07no
00:46:08tomorrow's another day
00:46:10not unless you happen to be in Plymouth
00:46:13where?
00:46:15I'm joining the Wrens for three years
00:46:17what Wrens?
00:46:19the Royal Navy's Wrens
00:46:23this time tomorrow I'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls and 30,000 sailors
00:46:29hope I like it
00:46:31well
00:46:36thanks
00:46:37thanks for nearly everything
00:46:40we definitely would have done wouldn't we?
00:46:42well obviously
00:46:43well we
00:46:44we're as good as dead
00:46:45in a way really
00:46:46almost
00:46:47just keep telling yourself and we will have
00:46:50only better
00:46:52goodnight love
00:46:54try a barrel
00:47:01goodnight love
00:47:17morning previous generation
00:47:26what's for breakfast?
00:47:31you knew it was your mother's birthday
00:47:33now what we'd like to know
00:47:34is where were you
00:47:35while we were fiddling on the flaming roof
00:47:37I'm sorry mum
00:47:38I'll take you out another night
00:47:40something cropped up
00:47:41like what?
00:47:43dad
00:47:44you understand
00:47:47I don't Geoffrey
00:47:49well you always say you do
00:47:51Geoffrey you're at it every night
00:47:54yes dad
00:47:55and we don't complain
00:47:56no dad
00:47:57but last night was different
00:47:58I knew you'd understand
00:48:01let's go
00:48:03MUSIC PLAYS
00:48:33what's going on pounds down again open down like a fairy knickers you should know or me
00:48:41not me what a night wow a lot including action replays in slow motion
00:48:53hey lads i picked up a bit of spare last night who didn't no it's true
00:49:01yes jeffrey it is yes jeffrey
00:49:06bloody yes
00:49:13poor jeffrey beryl please it's neville's engagement party as well you had to invite him
00:49:22he'll see me it's cruel i'll see other girls i shan't take him back sandra
00:49:29i shan't it's been two weeks he may have got over you by now
00:49:34don't know much about men do you love
00:49:38it was doing him a kindness really
00:50:04finally splitting up he only had one ambition in life
00:50:09send my knickers to oxfam
00:50:12good job she hasn't joined the rent the entire navy had gone strike
00:50:20i expect he's sorry now i won't even consider taking him back if he isn't
00:50:27she might have changed of course if she has i might let her have the old orgy nine again
00:50:32he's got to accept we've finally split up otherwise i definitely won't take him back
00:50:38well i'm certainly not making the first move at least i've got me pride
00:50:46i left with beryl baby
00:50:49oh hi
00:50:50didn't see you
00:50:51no nor me
00:50:52and how's manchester city doing without me cheering them on then
00:50:57united
00:50:58we're winning every game now
00:50:59oh good and what's new with jeffrey then
00:51:04i asked you what was new with you
00:51:11did you
00:51:17did i say more
00:51:18pardon
00:51:20how's beryl baby getting on then
00:51:22jeffrey i'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me beryl baby
00:51:27it isn't like you
00:51:29say that again
00:51:30beryl baby
00:51:31what's your name handsome
00:51:35you'll laugh
00:51:37everybody laughs
00:51:38it's the story of my life
00:51:40you tell it like it is chuck
00:51:43she used to put on an axe
00:51:51what do you care
00:51:54i don't have a baby
00:51:57is she going to get into bed with him now
00:52:04probably
00:52:07jeffrey always looks half asleep these days
00:52:13well it's very exhausting
00:52:15it is
00:52:17working in a bank
00:52:20oh
00:52:21i had this bad scene
00:52:29this chick
00:52:29and decided to split
00:52:31so i cut off man
00:52:35like there's no tomorrow
00:52:37this cat gets it together where he's at
00:52:41what's a beautiful bag baby
00:52:46so if you want a piece of the action
00:52:49don't cool it
00:52:51dig
00:52:53sorry i no understand english
00:53:01gesundheit
00:53:07i thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one
00:53:11she has
00:53:14and which is her husband
00:53:16neither
00:53:18it's warming up isn't it
00:53:24great beat isn't it
00:53:33great to dance to
00:53:35do you agree that life's an onion
00:53:41if so what's death
00:53:46um
00:53:48a banana
00:53:50yes i expect it is when you think about it
00:53:55have you read schopenhauer's concept of existence
00:53:58um
00:54:00no
00:54:02but i've seen the film
00:54:05you married
00:54:06no
00:54:08grab yourself an adage
00:54:10marriage is a cabbage
00:54:13are you a poet
00:54:15never ask the questions
00:54:17ask the answers
00:54:19you are a poet
00:54:20to any manager
00:54:23marks and spaces
00:54:24what's that
00:54:26i really dirt you
00:54:29now he's taking his clothes off
00:54:32what's on itv
00:54:35this
00:54:37what's on bbc
00:54:39casin' over
00:54:43what's that like
00:54:45this
00:54:47oh come on now
00:54:50you know that's not where it's at
00:54:52let's get this
00:54:53what's the word
00:54:54let's get it
00:54:56clear
00:54:57let's get down to the real nitty grittiesville
00:54:59okay
00:55:00women's lip is not about burning brass
00:55:13papers yeah
00:55:14what papers
00:55:16a marriage certificate
00:55:18a dog's license
00:55:19whatever you prefer to call it
00:55:20look let's be basic about this enid
00:55:23all girls want marriage
00:55:24and a white wedding
00:55:25really basic
00:55:27you want to be really basic
00:55:29utterly basic
00:55:30balls
00:55:31grass
00:55:33enid
00:55:35when sandra says every girl
00:55:38she means most girls
00:55:39well like herself
00:55:40not me of course
00:55:41because i incredibly value my independence
00:55:43but most girls definitely want
00:55:46balls
00:55:47if you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to
00:55:51i'm not recourse to anything
00:55:52i'm merely telling you what girls want
00:55:54what
00:55:55balls
00:55:56oh
00:55:56would you please stop saying that
00:55:59you believe in free love right
00:56:01wrong
00:56:02i believe in free everything
00:56:04freedom from all male chauvinist pig domination
00:56:07honestly don't you understand
00:56:09excuse me you've got your hand on me
00:56:10if we're liberating society for the future i'm sure
00:56:12no thank you
00:56:13excuse me excuse me you've got your hand on me
00:56:14no
00:56:15oh
00:56:16oh sorry
00:56:18wow man sorry
00:56:20it's all right
00:56:20oh gee
00:56:21it's a pleasure
00:56:22grass
00:56:23jeffrey you've not to
00:56:25why not
00:56:26i said don't you not to smoke it
00:56:28oh wow
00:56:38we're as liberated as you enid
00:56:42we've equal importance as individuals
00:56:44neither of us is boss
00:56:46it just doesn't arise
00:56:47we'll make some coffee
00:56:49you see what we believe is
00:56:52you see
00:56:56well one
00:56:57i can see there's only one way to get through
00:57:01what you're doing
00:57:06lighting everybody's fire
00:57:08burn my bra
00:57:12right
00:57:17that's it
00:57:18finished
00:57:19the end
00:57:20full stop
00:57:21we've finally split up
00:57:24neville
00:57:24sandra wants you
00:57:26i should imagine
00:57:27sad isn't it
00:57:31pathetic
00:57:34well i can't follow plays these days
00:57:40it's just showing real life that's all
00:57:43i once thought i'd found her
00:57:50the perfect girl
00:57:52red hair
00:57:54not too skinny
00:57:56very gentle and shy
00:57:59passionate when roused
00:58:03yeah
00:58:04she packed me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick
00:58:08you're very sweet
00:58:10roland
00:58:10i've always thought you were
00:58:14did you know you're very nearly have a lopsided grin
00:58:19it's just i'm a bit tired
00:58:22no it's nice
00:58:23i don't think i've washed that one
00:58:35i don't think i've washed that one
00:58:49oh sorry
00:58:50do you know
00:58:55what girl she can ask me anything
00:58:57do you know where jeffrey's got to
00:59:01he's upstairs i think
00:59:05is it true they're dry on their own
00:59:13usually
00:59:16usually
00:59:16i hate to be any trouble but i think i'm dying
00:59:25you'll be all right honest
00:59:26she said i shouldn't smoke it
00:59:29who
00:59:30she said
00:59:31jeffrey
00:59:35jeffrey
00:59:39jeffrey
00:59:39sorry
00:59:45jeffrey
00:59:53jeffrey
00:59:53move up a bit jeffrey
00:59:58put your legs
01:00:00that's better
01:00:02it's because it's your first time isn't it
01:00:08call dr wiseberg
01:00:15quilmslow road
01:00:17it wasn't marijuana you know
01:00:23what was it then
01:00:27grass
01:00:28grass is marijuana
01:00:31this grass wasn't
01:00:34it was the real thing
01:00:37from the front lawn
01:00:40like you beryl
01:00:50had a nice time
01:00:56even though it's three o'clock in the morning
01:00:59not that i mind
01:01:01if you've had a nice time
01:01:03even though i've been in bed since 10
01:01:05having a good night's worry
01:01:06did you see jeffrey
01:01:09that's good
01:01:13do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard
01:01:35i didn't try at all
01:01:38gave it to rest
01:01:40i'm right off birds
01:01:45i am
01:01:47i am
01:01:48for good
01:01:50me too
01:01:52and me
01:01:54good morning
01:02:14your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel
01:02:17good night
01:02:25well
01:02:29it
01:02:30no
01:02:37good
01:02:39good
01:02:40night
01:02:41good
01:02:42good
01:02:44love
01:02:46that
01:02:47Oh, no, no, no.
01:03:17Can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:24Oh, Beryl.
01:03:28Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:31Oh, God.
01:03:43Hello. Hello.
01:03:46Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:49Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:52You're a bugger.
01:03:55I don't know who he takes after.
01:03:58Hello?
01:04:04It's me.
01:04:06Who?
01:04:07My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:09Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:10I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:13If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in.
01:04:16Tonight or any other night.
01:04:18Anyway, tonight I'm helping my mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:21That's a small world.
01:04:36A small world.
01:04:52Good evening, Mrs. Battersby.
01:04:54I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:57Oh?
01:04:59Probably this one.
01:05:01Definitely.
01:05:02Magic in satin.
01:05:03Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:05:04Look, who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:11You'd like some nice fancy random paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:17I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:20I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:23Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jockstrap.
01:05:26Beryl, listen.
01:05:26Can I help you, madam?
01:05:27Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:30No, madam.
01:05:31I'll leave it then.
01:05:34Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter.
01:05:45What doesn't?
01:05:46You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:47Wouldn't what?
01:05:49Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:52Me?
01:05:53A football match with 40,000 skinheads and you.
01:05:58Told you.
01:06:00Who are they playing?
01:06:06Huddersfield Town.
01:06:08In the cot.
01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:12The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:20Shows you.
01:06:23Away from home, they've won three, drawn five and lost 12.
01:06:29Drawn five.
01:06:34So what do you think?
01:06:35I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38Yeah.
01:06:38Never mind, it's only a game.
01:06:51I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:06:56Never mind, it's only a game.
01:07:05I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:24We live in a permissive society, Beryl.
01:07:26Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:34You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up, even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes, well, boys are very safe.
01:07:42And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:47I don't mean permissive permissive.
01:07:51Let's see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:08:00Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:04What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:07Not too much, I hope.
01:08:09Oh, God.
01:08:10Boys are very funny.
01:08:12They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:18Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:27Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:30Fantastic.
01:08:30The cowgill's.
01:08:39Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:42Married couple.
01:08:45Newlyweds.
01:08:45Not long married.
01:08:47You go bald doing that.
01:08:48You go bald doing that.
01:08:51Doing what?
01:08:54Yes, sir.
01:08:55I'll tell you, 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains.
01:09:08Living in sin.
01:09:12Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:20If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano, would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:31Beryl would.
01:09:34Given you a bad time, is she?
01:09:38I wouldn't say that.
01:09:42I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:45What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:52I never said you were!
01:09:54You think it!
01:09:56All right, Geoffrey. I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage?
01:10:16Never.
01:10:17Well, until I am. If I ever do. Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:24For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:30No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey. You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:37I'm sorry.
01:10:40No one can say you've completely ruined me life. Not yet.
01:10:49What are you staring at?
01:10:55Hello?
01:10:56You all right, son?
01:10:57Terrific.
01:10:58Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then? Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:11:03Hmm.
01:11:04My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:07Oh.
01:11:08What's your theory?
01:11:10Indigestion.
01:11:11Oh.
01:11:13What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:17Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:19He has said one thing.
01:11:20Oh, what's that?
01:11:21If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks. All right.
01:11:27The weeks and months drag by, and with neither side willing to compromise, we still have deadlock.
01:11:34Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:39Another wild night learning what N.O. spells and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:44And what N.O. spells.
01:11:46And what N.O. spells.
01:11:47Great!
01:11:48I might as well go bald and open me own monastery.
01:11:51And so society, that's you and me, says end this dispute.
01:11:57End it now.
01:11:59Goodnight.
01:12:00Hear, hear.
01:12:01Good, weren't he?
01:12:03Terrific.
01:12:04Especially when he said goodnight.
01:12:06We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:09Having a good time.
01:12:11Just having fun.
01:12:13Being happy!
01:12:15Take two a day, after meals, and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.
01:12:26You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:28Absolutely positive.
01:12:29That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:35Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:37Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?
01:12:51You join a marriage bureau, and I'll get a job on the stage twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:57Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:58Right?
01:12:59Right.
01:13:00Good Jesus Christ, superstar.
01:13:02Amen.
01:13:05Oh, hell.
01:13:06Hands up again.
01:13:07See you tomorrow.
01:13:08Where do you think you're going?
01:13:11Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:18It's important.
01:13:21What is?
01:13:24I keep asking you what is.
01:13:28What is?
01:13:30To be on our own.
01:13:32What?
01:13:34So as we can talk.
01:13:36What?
01:13:42That old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:47The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.
01:13:50Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:56Grace who?
01:13:57She was playing for United as well.
01:13:59Weird, isn't it?
01:14:00The main thing is, we do communicate.
01:14:13Oh, we do.
01:14:23See what I think...
01:14:24See what I think...
01:14:25Go on.
01:14:26No, you. Mine wasn't important.
01:14:29Her mum wasn't.
01:14:41Beryl?
01:14:45Are you...
01:14:47Happy?
01:14:48Of course.
01:14:50Very.
01:14:53I am.
01:14:54No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:15:00No.
01:15:03I'm not.
01:15:08Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:16Probably.
01:15:17I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:22Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:37Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:39No.
01:15:42I don't think so.
01:15:43Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is, you just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:48If there isn't anything.
01:15:49Honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:54It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It'd just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:15:58I don't know.
01:16:03Like, you know, crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop to please you.
01:16:15I see.
01:16:25There's no need to be sensitive, Jeffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:32Your mother.
01:16:34Pardon?
01:16:35I like your mother.
01:16:36Please don't sulk, Jeffrey.
01:16:37Hand her lampshades.
01:16:38Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:41Well, you ought to know.
01:16:42You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:44Anything else at random?
01:16:46You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:47After all, I'm no Bridgette Bardot.
01:16:50According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez, she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:54Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford can tell the difference between Bridgette Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:01I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:03You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:04I am.
01:17:05Start slimming.
01:17:06Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:08If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:10You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end, don't you? Always.
01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:15You do.
01:17:16I always fail.
01:17:17Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:19The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells.
01:17:26Especially for the 600th time.
01:17:27That they really dig.
01:17:28You never say dig.
01:17:29I did then.
01:17:30Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about. That's really loveable.
01:17:39I never knew you thought that.
01:17:41Neither did I.
01:17:43Do now, though.
01:17:44Used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:59Used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:05There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:14You thinking what I'm thinking?
01:18:33I think so.
01:18:35We just don't like each other.
01:18:38At all.
01:18:51Oh, goodbye, then.
01:18:53Good luck.
01:18:55Peace, man.
01:18:59St Anne's Square.
01:19:00St Anne's Square, please.
01:19:13So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits.
01:19:19And what else do I need?
01:19:22Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:24Teething ring?
01:19:26Of course.
01:19:28Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.
01:19:32No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:34Oh, sorry.
01:19:36What about?
01:19:38Skip it.
01:19:40About time, too.
01:19:41With her sympathy.
01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:44I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:46But she doesn't know that.
01:19:49If I'm looking miserable, Sandra, it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:53Yeah.
01:19:56We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:59Of course we do.
01:20:01How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:08Ace.
01:20:10She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:13I won't tell you where.
01:20:17A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:19Wow!
01:20:21Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:26I know, spells no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:32Hmm, sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:35Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:38Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:42Coming to the crutch.
01:20:44Crunch.
01:20:46I dare say it'll hardly break my heart in the slightest seeing him again.
01:20:50You mustn't think I'll be crying inside because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:54And what's more, no one will know that I am.
01:20:57Because I shan't.
01:20:59Truly.
01:21:01Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:08It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:11And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:17Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:20Fine.
01:21:22This is fine enough.
01:21:23Here?
01:21:24About there, lovely.
01:21:26You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:28Wow.
01:21:29Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:33Oh, sorry.
01:21:35That's right.
01:21:37Hold it.
01:21:39Lovely. Thank you.
01:21:41Right, now, a nice family group of the parents, please.
01:21:43Funny.
01:21:45I remember the Friday lunchtime they first met.
01:21:48How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:53Never better. Ever.
01:21:55That's it. Hold it like that.
01:21:58It's all over now. Bar the salmon salad.
01:22:02It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:11I see, President. Nixon went to China, then.
01:22:14That was before we ever met.
01:22:16I know.
01:22:18Why? Has something happened about it?
01:22:20No.
01:22:22Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:24Mm.
01:22:26Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going to the moon.
01:22:31Nixon.
01:22:33Why is he going?
01:22:35No.
01:22:37The astronauts.
01:22:38Oh.
01:22:40It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:43We never really talked, did we? About things that matter.
01:22:49Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:52Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're broken hearted.
01:23:01We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:03My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it myself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Aw. I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:16I hope not. It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:19I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:26Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:32And we've learnt a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:35Fantastic.
01:23:36For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:41I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:46In bed a bit.
01:23:50And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol and marry her three days later.
01:23:58We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:01I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:08Where's she going?
01:24:09Hospital.
01:24:13Well...
01:24:15We'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:16We'll be here for the hook.
01:24:17We can all go out and we want to be next with your husband.
01:24:18Look, Chef!
01:24:19Oh boy.
01:24:22Here you are, John.
01:24:23Pass to you.
01:24:27I've got your hands!
01:24:28Walk your hands...
01:24:30Count over the throne.
01:24:33Pick me up, everybody.
01:24:36Mess!
01:24:38Come on.
01:24:39I'm back all to you.
01:24:41from the throne.
01:24:42Hello Mrs. Battersby. You won't remember me.
01:25:01Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:04Is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:11There is no football. It's cricket now.
01:25:14Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:17Hi.
01:25:24When's the kickoff?
01:25:26In about three months. Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:33What on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:36I forgot. I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:40Where will you go now, then?
01:25:42I don't know. I could always go inside and practice booing for next season.
01:25:49Where will you?
01:25:51Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:25:52Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:25:54Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:25:56Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:25:57May as well, if you like. Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:02Just as friends.
01:26:03Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:04Yeah, I did.
01:26:05Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:06Yeah, I did.
01:26:07Wish we had a ball.
01:26:08Where will you?
01:26:10Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:13Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:17Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:19May as well, if you like. Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:23Just as friends.
01:26:25Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:27Yeah, I did.
01:26:34Wish we had a ball.
01:26:38Could play shooting in.
01:26:42You could go in goal.
01:26:48Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:27:07Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:20We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:25Anyone, really.
01:27:33There's millions to choose from.
01:27:35All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:40You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:43You will, Beryl.
01:27:45Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:48Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:50Peggy!
01:28:05Peggy!
01:28:07Peggy!
01:28:08Peggy!
01:28:11Peggy!
01:28:13Rocky!
01:28:15And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's dark
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:57Love and rainy weather
01:29:00Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's dark
01:29:12Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:21Love and rainy weather
01:29:25Love and rainy weather
01:29:31Love and rainy weather
01:29:32Don't go to normal
01:29:33Ways graves
01:29:34Guess the night
01:29:34Vamos
01:29:36Let's go to normal
01:29:36shout box
01:29:38Thousands
01:29:38You know
01:29:38gall Directory
01:29:38Like a
01:29:49nesse
01:29:52ėari
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