- 6 months ago
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00:00It's the 93rd minute.
00:02England are 2-1 down to Greece.
00:05David Beckham needs to score this free kick
00:07to send England through to the World Cup Finals.
00:10Bang! He bends it over the wall,
00:12straight into the top left corner.
00:15Absolutely brilliant.
00:17Are you buying anything?
00:18Oh, um, I'll have...
00:22I'll have a pair.
00:26One pair.
00:28Oh.
00:30I'll sleep on it.
00:37David Beckham lines up the free kick.
00:40The weight of a nation on his shoulders.
00:50Oh!
00:52Oh!
00:53Oh!
00:54Oh!
00:57Oh!
00:57Look out for that.
01:03There's no way of getting the amulet back.
01:28Can't get home.
01:30So now what?
01:31Oh!
01:31Let me tell you!
01:34No, honestly, Barbara, please don't...
01:36When you purchase the sands of time.
01:39Didn't they predict the plague of cows?
01:41Yep, to the nearest half hour.
01:43You see, Brian, I've worked out why I didn't get into the Sears Guild.
01:46It's not my talent, it's my equipment.
01:49Yeah, yeah, that'll be it.
01:51It's just sand.
01:53That is a powerful fortune-telling device.
01:55Not to be abused.
01:56I would never do that.
01:58Rule number one of the Sears Guild.
02:00Use of the toilets is only for the members.
02:02Never exploit your gift for personal gain.
02:05Right!
02:08All sorted?
02:09Absolutely.
02:10As ordered, one barely second-hand,
02:13thormatically enhanced sausage machine.
02:15Completely legal.
02:16Definitely works, does it?
02:18Yeah.
02:19Watch this.
02:19Hey!
02:43Hmm, not bad.
02:45That'll bring in some business.
02:46What do we say, 50 sausage?
02:4750.
02:48All right, 60.
02:49Hang on.
02:49I can go higher, Herman.
02:5160. Done.
02:52It's called for a drink.
02:54Fix me a large rhubarb seizure, please.
02:58And the cash.
02:58I'm taking it off your tab.
03:00So that means you still owe me, Herman.
03:03I need that money.
03:04That explains why Slasher Morgan came in.
03:06Very anxious to talk to you, she was.
03:09Hang on.
03:10Not talk to you.
03:12Hate you.
03:13Yeah, that's it.
03:14Says she's caught...
03:15How does he do that?
03:21Sausage?
03:22No.
03:23Oh, God, no.
03:26Sausage?
03:27Not now, Herman.
03:27I never eat just before a big occasion.
03:30Like this.
03:34It's my new campaign.
03:36Save the throck.
03:42All right.
03:44What's a throck?
03:45It is a persecuted, flightless bird, and its numbers are in decline.
03:49Horrible things.
03:50I was attacked by one as a child, and to this day, I still can't wear feathers.
03:54Or beaks.
03:57Do you know they actually grow a new set of teeth every five days?
04:00Why are you trying to save them?
04:02Desperate attempt to meet women.
04:06Saus coming.
04:07Brian?
04:12Oh, do you know what?
04:13I'd love to, Stig, honestly.
04:15No, the thing is, Barbara's got some new sand.
04:22Your loss.
04:27Oh, it's incredible.
04:29It's so clear.
04:31I'm going home.
04:31You are staying.
04:33Because you, Brian, are destined for greatness.
04:36The sands say that soon you will be standing in front of a mighty army.
04:42Oh, really, yeah?
04:43You are not alone on your journey.
04:46There is a woman.
04:49But who?
04:50Is it you, Barbara?
04:52Oh, um, you know, it could be.
04:56Um, I hadn't actually thought about that.
04:59Um, OK, well, you and this woman, let's just say it's me.
05:05You are joined together by fate.
05:09Bound as one.
05:12And, Brian, you are clutching something.
05:17A tiny bundle.
05:21Could it be a baby?
05:25Do you know what?
05:26Do you know what?
05:26I've suddenly decided that I really want to save some throcks.
05:29So I propose that the executive committee be headed by myself.
05:35Um, would anybody like to second that?
05:41Anybody?
05:44Brian?
05:44Is this the meeting for protect the throck?
05:53No.
05:54It is the meeting, however, to save the throck.
05:59Which I believe is what you meant.
06:01Well, I put your name and address on the petition.
06:10So...
06:13Ifandra.
06:17Lovely name.
06:18What's your experience with throcks?
06:24I absolutely adore them.
06:27Especially Mr. Waffles.
06:29He's my pet.
06:30Ha ha ha ha!
06:35What, you got a pet throck?
06:37Yeah.
06:38In your house?
06:38Yes.
06:39Isn't that a bit dangerous?
06:41Oh, no, he's a sweetie.
06:42Honestly, you totally love him.
06:45Right, sorry, if I can continue.
06:47So, um, one of the key aims of the campaign,
06:53my campaign,
06:54is to spread accurate information about throcks.
06:58Oh, like how they grow a new set of teeth every five days?
07:02Well, yeah.
07:02And how their numbers are actually in decline.
07:05Yeah.
07:06Do you know, it is so refreshing to meet a man who cares about throcks.
07:10He doesn't know anything about throcks.
07:12He's not even from here.
07:13He's from a parallel world.
07:16No.
07:17Really?
07:18Well, I think technically from another dimension.
07:21I'm not quite sure how...
07:23He hates it here.
07:25Then you're Brian.
07:26He wants to go back.
07:30So, uh, Fandra,
07:31are you interested in, um,
07:34musical theatre?
07:37Actually,
07:37I think I better mingle.
07:39Ah.
07:39It must be very hard for you.
07:46So alone.
07:48Yeah, I guess so.
07:49I'd try not to dwell on it, really.
07:51If you think...
07:52I'm alone.
07:53In fact, as a persecuted minority,
07:55I'm very alone.
07:56Sorry.
07:57I've got to go.
07:58Mr. Waffles will be wanting his num nums.
08:00Ha, ha, ha, ha.
08:01Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
08:05It was really nice meeting you, Brian.
08:06Oh, yeah.
08:07You too.
08:07Perhaps we could talk a bit...
08:08Bye, Stan!
08:09This is Steg.
08:10See you, Fandra.
08:11So the dance begins.
08:23Num nums.
08:30This is out, Brian.
08:35The personal effects
08:36of one Mrs. Mabel Tappie.
08:39You're doing house clearances now.
08:40Magical item retrieval and assessment.
08:43She has no further use for them.
08:45Oh, when did she die?
08:46Any day now, she'll think.
08:50Anyway, must be something in here.
08:53Give us a sec.
08:55What's that?
08:56Bit of garlic.
08:57Whoa, Brian!
08:59That's quankle root.
09:01Extremely powerful sedative.
09:04One little nipple could knock out a horse.
09:07Poor an old lady.
09:09It's me.
09:10Hmm.
09:11It's Herman.
09:12Don't be honest.
09:14Oh, I love this.
09:15This is like storage hunters.
09:17What's that?
09:19It's a...
09:19It's a TV show.
09:21That...
09:23I present.
09:26This should solve all my money worries.
09:28Whoa!
09:29A hat of invisibility.
09:39Got to be worth ten softs.
09:41He's gone!
09:42He's gone!
09:44Completely invisible!
09:46Am I really invisible?
09:48Well, not completely.
09:50Although I can't see the top of your head.
09:51Right.
09:52Right.
09:56Well, it's...
09:57Ah, worthless.
09:59Chuck it.
10:03Ah, who disturbs the dreamless sleep of Maladorn?
10:09Elemental spirit.
10:10By the leathery balls of Krant.
10:13It's a fire sprite.
10:15Silence, mortal.
10:17I will grant the desire of whomsoever summoned me.
10:22Ah!
10:23Yeah!
10:26I've done it.
10:28I've got a wish.
10:29I've got a wish, man.
10:30I've got a wish.
10:31The wish is yours.
10:38Really?
10:40Yes, insignificant pastoral.
10:43Claim your wish.
10:44No!
10:45I couldn't buy back Slasher Morgan.
10:47I knew it!
10:48You're destined for greatness, Brian.
10:51Who wants a celebratory sausage?
10:57Shut it.
10:59A magic aura.
11:01Has been detected in the vicinity.
11:03It's him.
11:03He's got a wish.
11:04I am not an aura.
11:06I am an elemental spirit.
11:09I did say that earlier.
11:11Now!
11:12Claim your wish.
11:14And free me!
11:16What a day.
11:18First someone assaults the ambassador for Flint.
11:21Kick right in the shell.
11:22We're all daylight.
11:23Now this.
11:24Chestnut.
11:25Erect a barricade immediately.
11:27On it, Hawthorne.
11:28The incident location will be guarded until the wish is fulfilled.
11:33Remember, no rebellious wishes.
11:36Nothing.
11:37And I mean nothing to harm the protector.
11:41Fancy a sausage?
11:46Yes!
11:47Bring me sausages.
11:49So, Brian.
11:52I've got a wish for...
11:53I mean, you could have anything.
11:55Anything?
11:56Yeah, I'd go 1,000 sovereigns.
11:58Herman!
11:59Brian is destined for greatness.
12:01Ha ha!
12:02I think he'll aim a little higher than that.
12:05Of course.
12:062,000 sovereigns.
12:07I can't believe I've been so lucky.
12:08I think what Brian is trying to say is he can't believe I've been so lucky.
12:12Because the wish is basically mine, Brian.
12:14Are you legit?
12:15Hang on.
12:15I wasn't thinking straight, was I?
12:173,000.
12:18I know what I want a wish for.
12:19I want to go home.
12:21I don't think so, Brian.
12:23That's not in your future.
12:25Well, it is, because that's what I'm going to do.
12:28No!
12:29You want to give the wish back to me, really, don't you, Brian?
12:31I want to go home.
12:32Good idea.
12:33Bye!
12:34Your destiny, Brian!
12:35Now the wish is mine, really.
12:363,000 and a paint glass that never runs off.
12:38Go now.
12:39Go now.
12:39This is serious.
12:40Go!
12:40Give me my wish back!
12:412,500.
12:42I've bullied you after the years.
12:43Stop it!
12:44I need some time to think.
12:51It's lazier than normal.
12:57I predicted it.
12:59I actually predicted it.
13:01The sands of time foretold it.
13:03Brian is going to stand in front of a mighty army with me and our bundle.
13:11This is all too exciting!
13:13Barbara!
13:13Why don't you have a little nibble on that?
13:16Ooh!
13:18And what is it?
13:19Quankle root.
13:22But doesn't that mean that...
13:24Yeah.
13:26Yeah.
13:26Oh, God!
13:51Hi, Brian.
13:53Evandra?
13:55What are you doing here all alone?
13:58Just, you know, trying to clear my head.
14:02Me too.
14:04This is my favourite spot.
14:06It's beautiful.
14:09What are you doing now?
14:12Nothing.
14:13Buy you a drink?
14:14Yeah, all right.
14:16Oh, God!
14:23How old?
14:28Morgen wants to see you.
14:31How old?
14:46So there we were.
14:47Just four ordinary lads from Liverpool that had changed the world.
14:52John, Paul, George and Brian.
14:56And then you invented rap.
14:58True, Dad?
14:59Yeah.
15:00Crazy days.
15:01Anyway, enough about me.
15:04Tell me about your throck.
15:06Oh, I've had him right since he was an egg.
15:09Honestly, I don't think I could live without him.
15:11I think he's lucky to have you.
15:13Oh, Brian.
15:15Brian?
15:16You say the nicest things.
15:20You know what?
15:21Music for the lady?
15:23He loves music.
15:24Word.
15:27Sure.
15:28Sure.
15:58Good morning, Howell.
15:59Morgan.
16:00What a lovely surprise.
16:01Just wondered.
16:02Could I boil you alive and feed you to my peace?
16:19Or do you have the money you owe me?
16:23Yeah, I have.
16:25Not with me.
16:26Um, in fact, it's still in other people's pockets.
16:32But I assure you, in a mere matter of days.
16:36Oh.
16:37Oh.
16:38I didn't want you to die like this.
16:44I've got a wish.
16:46Yeah.
16:47You're telling me you've got a wish.
16:49Yeah.
16:50You can have it.
16:51I'm heavy.
16:54For Christ's sake.
16:55I'm down to my last three chairs.
16:57Bloody fairies eating me out of house at home.
16:59And it's not even peeing.
17:02It's not that Morgan was in last night looking for you.
17:04All in hand.
17:05Wish, Brian.
17:06I've no idea.
17:07Try Barbara.
17:08Cool.
17:09That latest batch of quankle route's pretty pokey.
17:12Barbara.
17:13Barbara.
17:14Barbara!
17:15What?
17:16Impressive.
17:17Do you know where Brian is?
17:18I don't even know where I am.
17:19What's happened?
17:20Hey!
17:21Where's my breakfast?
17:22Right away, sir.
17:23Brian!
17:24Everybody!
17:25I have decided I am not going home.
17:28Oh!
17:29Fantastic news!
17:30Can I have your wish?
17:31I've found a reason to stay.
17:32There she was.
17:33Right in front of me.
17:34This whole time.
17:35And I didn't even notice.
17:36The first time I was going home.
17:37I didn't even notice.
17:38I didn't even notice.
17:39I didn't even know where I am.
17:40I didn't even know where I am.
17:41What's happened?
17:42Hey!
17:43Where's my breakfast?
17:44Right away, sir.
17:45Brian!
17:46Brian!
17:47Everybody!
17:48I have decided I am not going home.
17:49Oh!
17:50Fantastic news!
17:51There she was.
17:52Right in front of me.
17:53This whole time.
17:54And I didn't even notice.
17:56I've found her.
17:59Yay!
18:02I'm just going to go and celebrate to the other room.
18:08So, Brian.
18:09What are you going to wish for?
18:10I think it's very clear what Brian is planning to do.
18:13And may I say, Brian, I am hugely grateful.
18:17Oh, no, no, no.
18:18I'm still using my wish, just not right now.
18:20It's nice to know, if I do want to go home, I've got a wish in the bank.
18:25Which means you can probably leave now, if you wanted to.
18:29Don't tell me what to do.
18:31I'll stay here until the 24 hours is up.
18:33Alright, fine, whatever.
18:35Anyways, sorry, what, 24 hours?
18:38Standard procedure.
18:3924 hours for a wish.
18:41So, I have to make my wish today?
18:44Yeah.
18:45Or, as I think we've agreed, I need to make this wish today.
18:49You've got till midday.
18:51I know.
18:52I'll just wish for a foundred to come home with me.
18:54But don't rush into anything, Brian.
18:57You can't take a foundred with you, Brian.
18:59That's two wishes.
19:00No, it's not.
19:01I wish to go home with...
19:04With.
19:05See, that's two wishes.
19:06All right, then.
19:07I wish for me and a foundred.
19:09And a second wish.
19:11Just, you know.
19:12True.
19:13Ah, Brian, you're in a pickle, mate.
19:15Well, actually, Brian, I think I know a way we can make both your wishes come true.
19:23Hello.
19:24Good morning.
19:25I am a travelling soothsayer in your area for one day only.
19:35I am offering short form divination at a special offer of 50% off.
19:39Oh, sorry.
19:40I'm a bit busy at the moment.
19:42Thanks.
19:4390% off.
19:44Free.
19:45It's all free.
19:46I'll just come in, shall I?
19:55What do women want?
19:56A hero.
19:57Someone who can ride in and save the day.
20:01Work for Mrs. Herman.
20:03Swept off her feet by a brave soldier.
20:06Haven't seen her since.
20:09Oi!
20:10More sausages.
20:11Right.
20:12Give us a hand with this table, will you?
20:15Sorry, Herman.
20:16The man's gotta dance.
20:24Ummm.
20:28Yes.
20:29What is it?
20:30I see changes ahead.
20:32Is there a new presence in your life?
20:33A man called Brian?
20:35Brian, yes.
20:36He's amazing.
20:37Oh, dear.
20:38Death.
20:39Oh.
20:40A painful death.
20:41Deceit.
20:42Unhappiness.
20:43Unhappiness? This Brian is going to cause you a lot of unhappiness.
20:48No, never.
20:50I suggest a long journey. You should get the next coach to Struth.
20:55Actually, I have a timetable right here, and I've circled the next departure.
21:01And, ooh, I've got a spare ticket.
21:06I'm really sorry, but Mr Ruffles wants to come in for his num nums now, so...
21:11Oh, yes, yes, I'd better go.
21:16Like I said, free of charge.
21:20And remember, beware Brian.
21:27Bye!
21:30Come here, Mr Ruffles.
21:32Using my extensive knowledge of spiritology and pandimensional calibration,
21:42I think I can make this wish work for you.
21:45All right.
21:46So I can use it to get home and take a phandrel with me?
21:49Absolutely.
21:50Just to be careful wording, that's all.
21:53You've got to be utterly precise with these wishes, Brian.
21:56Which is why I'm writing the wish in flametongue.
22:00Language of the fires, Brian.
22:03My wish?
22:05Of course.
22:06The license will it be.
22:09What does it say, a phandra?
22:10Bit.
22:12And where's the part about me going home?
22:13That bit.
22:14It's the same bit.
22:16Very complicated language, flametongue.
22:18Hard to fathom.
22:20Hmm.
22:22Cracken.
22:23Ich.
22:24Anthe.
22:25Morgans.
22:26You're a natural.
22:27Run along.
22:28Find a phandra.
22:29Tell her the good news.
22:30I'll just fine-tune the words.
22:32And, er...
22:34Meet you at the pub.
22:35Is this before midday?
22:37How?
22:38I don't know how to thank you.
22:39Don't thank you, Brian.
22:41I got into this business to help people.
22:43You're a good egg, you are.
22:51A good egg.
22:54And a bloody genius.
23:01Ephandra?
23:05Ephandra?
23:14Oh, God!
23:21What a moment.
23:22Can I buy us some sausages?
23:23Come on a second.
23:24Come on.
23:25Come on.
23:26Get up.
23:27Thank you, Brian.
23:28Oh, of course.
23:29Sausages are off.
23:30Hey!
23:31There's the wish man, everybody!
23:32Yay!
23:33Yay!
23:34Yay!
23:35Yay!
23:36Yay!
23:37Yay!
23:38Yay!
23:39Yay!
23:40Yay!
23:41Did you wish, boys?
23:42Exactly.
23:43Yeah.
23:44Yeah.
23:45Yay!
23:46Yay!
23:47Yay!
23:49Yay!
23:50Yay!
23:51I'm sorry, as you requested.
23:53Couldn't it fine.
23:54Where's Ephandra?
23:55She's gone.
23:56Oh, well.
23:57Never mind, Brian.
23:58Now you can use your wish for the good of Monty.
24:01She spent one night with me and now she's left town.
24:05That could happen.
24:07In my experience, they...
24:11Chaffet!
24:12It is I, Malador.
24:14Read the word, Chaffet.
24:15I haven't finished.
24:16Sia beyond time and space.
24:19space. That's it. Mortal, your time is up. What is your command?
24:32You've got to read these words, Spider.
24:34Honestly, it's fine. Thank you. Thank you, Halbert. I'm going to be going home alone.
24:40Are we right here?
24:42He's not going anywhere, remember? The sands?
24:46Your wish, feeble mortal. For my freedom.
24:53All right, Fire Sprite. My wish...
24:57Brian! Brian! Brian!
25:00Mr. Waffles has been poisoned!
25:03Someone threw a quankle root into the garden. Who would do that?
25:06Terrible. The healer says he's dying.
25:10Don't worry, Fandra. I can save Mr. Waffles.
25:14Oh, thank you, Stan. The steak? It doesn't matter.
25:19Stand back.
25:30How about work on a frock? Sorry?
25:32Don't work on a throck. Doesn't work?
25:35Not a frock, no. No.
25:41Brian's got a wish.
25:42A wish?
25:43Brian, that's amazing. You can save Mr. Waffles.
25:48Just take her with you. It's all here.
25:50Speak!
25:52See, this is... this is my only chance to get home.
25:54Ephandra, will you come with me?
25:58I'd follow you anywhere, Brian.
26:01But I can't leave Mr. Waffles. Not now.
26:04Oh, but I... I don't think I can...
26:06Speak! Now!
26:08How?
26:11Sorry, Ephandra.
26:16I love you, Brian.
26:23Blimey.
26:24I, Brian Weaver, wish...
26:36Yes?
26:37That the throck known as Mr. Waffles is restored to full health and vitality.
26:45It is so!
26:48Freedom!
26:49What do you do?
26:57Weird.
27:00Right?
27:07You are in deep, deep trouble.
27:14How does he do that?
27:16I don't know.
27:17No!
27:18Oh, Mr. Waffles, you're back.
27:22Brian, you are amazing.
27:25Mr. Waffles, say hello to your new daddy.
27:30Go on.
27:32Jeez!
27:35Say hello.
27:38Hey.
27:45Brian, you're hurting him!
27:47Ah!
27:48Ah!
27:50Argh!
27:51Argh!
27:52Argh!
27:54Argh!
27:56Argh!
27:58In the shoooooooww!
28:07Shit!
28:08No, is he okay?
28:10He's fine. It's OK.
28:11I just need some...
28:12Oh, oh, uh, it's all right, we just, sorry.
28:33You monster!
28:36You'll not see me again.
28:38Vandra, here, let me walk you home.
28:41Oh, thank you, Stan.
28:43Stay, it doesn't matter.
28:48Why is there a crankle root in your pocket?
28:52I, uh, that, uh, oh, my jacket.
29:05Worst day ever.
29:08Brian, the Sands were right.
29:12You are my tall, dark stranger.
29:15And you're staying here, Brian, because you, you're destined for greatness.
29:20And soon, you will be standing in front of a mighty army.
29:24Barbara, there is no way.
29:28That's him.
29:30That's the guy that kicked me.
29:32This is war.
29:35Charge!
29:36Up next on Dave, it's the love child of Star Wars and Coronation Street.
29:53That's right, it's Red Dwarf.
29:55You, you, you will be queen.
30:03For nothing will drive them away.
30:11We can be them just for one day.
30:16Red Dwarf worm has roses.
30:18You, you, you, you, you.
30:18Four.
30:18four.
30:19Five.
30:19Two.
30:19Five.
30:19Two.
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