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Family-Guy-Season 2 Ep07-The-King-is-Dead.
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00:00It was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond as six members of the Pawtucket Fire Department struggled valiantly to save the life of a fish trapped under the frozen ice.
00:10Rescue workers managed to get the fish out of the water, but unfortunately, it died shortly after.
00:16Diane?
00:17Well, Tom, another life was tragically cut short today.
00:20Robert Kimball, founder of a local theater group known as the Quahog Players, passed away this afternoon.
00:25Oh, my God.
00:27Kimball was a hands-on director who frequently appeared in his own shows, most recently, Miss Saigon.
00:32La la la la, Miss Saigon. La la la la, Miss Saigon.
00:38Yes, I just heard. It's so sad.
00:41Really?
00:43They want me to be the new artistic director of the Quahog Players.
00:46All right, Mom!
00:47Are you gonna do it?
00:48I don't know. It's such a big responsibility. I need a moment to think.
00:57Okay, I'll do it.
00:59This just in, Lois Griffin has been named the new artistic director of the Quahog Players.
01:04All those years of paying my dues as musical director under that old hack have finally paid off.
01:09Oh, Lois, congratulations.
01:11Our little theater group finally has a committed visionary at its helm, and such an attractive one.
01:16Brian, you'll have to audition just like everyone else.
01:18Oh, God, of course. I... I... Oh, you didn't think... You thought I was...
01:21Ha. Lois.
01:23I can paint scenery.
01:25Can I be in the show, Mom?
01:26Yes, you can be the dumpy teenager who stays backstage and cries because nobody finds her attractive.
01:33Hey, you guys.
01:34Peter, guess what? I am gonna...
01:36Me first.
01:37Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big Christmas toy this year gets a huge bonus.
01:42Hey, Dad, why don't you invent the Frisbee? That's an awesome toy.
01:46It's already been invented.
01:48Then how come I never heard of it?
01:49This is my chance to prove how valuable I am to the company.
01:53Oh, sorry, Lois. What's your news?
01:55Well, I...
02:01Mr. Weed, distinguished members of the board, may I present this year's hottest toy, Mr. Zucchini Head.
02:08He's got stupid cool hip-hop style with his little hat and his dark martins.
02:13Uh, thank you, Peter. That's enough.
02:15Oh, wait, wait, wait. This is the best part. He dances.
02:18That's it.
02:19I've seen enough.
02:20How inappropriate.
02:21I haven't had sex in four years.
02:22Gentlemen, I apologize for wasting your time.
02:25Peter is an adequate assembly line worker, but you'll be happy to know our company does not pay him to think.
02:31I'll take this. No calls.
02:36No calls.
02:39Come on, kids. The director can't be late for the auditions.
02:42You should have heard him laughing at me, Lois. I've got great ideas, but they look at me and all I see is a loser.
02:48Except for the guy with the lazy eye. He sees a loser in the snack machine.
02:51Peter, a lot of creative people had mindless jobs. Michelangelo worked in a marble quarry. Herman Melville was a customs agent. Albert Einstein worked for the patent office.
03:03And what is it you want to patent, Herr Smith?
03:06I call it Smith's theory of relativity.
03:09Hey, look at this.
03:10What?
03:11I think what Lois is trying to say is you have to find a way to express yourself creatively.
03:19For example, Chris has his drawing. Meg does her bird calls. I sing beautifully.
03:25So I've heard.
03:26And Lois has her theater group.
03:28Yes. And for my first production, I've chosen The King and I.
03:32It's a wonderful story about a loving, patient woman who introduces culture and civility to a barbaric patriarch who...
03:39Peter, please don't wipe your nose on the couch.
03:42Look, I have to go.
03:44Part of being creative is figuring out what you're good at.
03:48I know you can do it if you put your mind to it.
03:50You're right, Lois. Man was meant to create.
03:53That's why God invented Shrinky Dinks.
03:55It works.
03:56Look how tiny they are.
04:04Oh, no, not in springtime.
04:08Summer, winter, or fall.
04:17No, never would I leave you at all.
04:26Bravo!
04:27Brian, that was beautiful. Thank you.
04:31No, no, no. Thank you.
04:32And that note you gave me, louder, I was thinking that and then you said it.
04:37You are so intuitive.
04:38Okay.
04:39Alright, next.
04:40Stewie, do you want to try out for Mommy's play?
04:45Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by the sun of York.
04:53And all the...
04:54I don't just sing itsy bitsy spider.
04:56How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to near Mother Gooseries.
05:02Oh, sing Baba Black Sheep.
05:04You know, Mother, as First Lady of the American Stage Helen Hayes once said, I'm going to kill you.
05:11Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent?
05:14Peter, what are you doing here?
05:16Well, Lois, I tried finding my creativity, like you said.
05:19First I took an art class.
05:21Am I...
05:22Am I supposed to draw the penis?
05:24Then I tried sculpting.
05:26Am I...
05:28Am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
05:30Then I tried music.
05:32Am I...
05:33Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
05:35I was starting to think there was nothing I'd be good at.
05:38But then I realized that this is it.
05:40Lois, my penis belongs on stage.
05:43Wait, Peter.
05:44Everyone has to audition.
05:46You know, sing, dance.
05:47Oh, I get it.
05:51Hello, everybody.
05:52This is just a formality since I happen to be doing the director.
05:56Five, six, seven, eight.
06:00Marshall, Will, and Harley, in a routine expedition,
06:05met the greatest earthquake ever known.
06:09High on the rapids, it struck their tiny raft.
06:14Ah!
06:15And plunge them down a thousand feet below
06:20to the land of the lost.
06:24Roar!
06:30Before I post the cast list,
06:32my choreographer and I want to thank everyone for auditioning.
06:35You were all great.
06:37Weren't they?
06:38I only wish the show was called The King and Us
06:41so I could cast you all.
06:45Ha, ha, ha, ha!
06:51Anna!
06:52Oh, baby, baby!
06:53I'm a star!
06:54Wow.
06:55I've never hugged a celebrity before.
06:58Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once.
07:01But then we later found out it wasn't actually her.
07:04Siamese baby?
07:06Stewie Griffin does not play big parts.
07:08Oh, you wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie?
07:12Oh, to hell with you!
07:13Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films.
07:19Hello?
07:20What is that on your ear?
07:21Is that...
07:22Is that hair gel?
07:24Uh, yeah.
07:25Oh, great, because I can use some.
07:26No, no, no, don't.
07:27I...
07:28I just ran out.
07:33Aw, man, Chorus.
07:34Shoot, what a gift.
07:36The King of Siam?
07:37Why...
07:38Why, that's the lead.
07:39This is so unexpected.
07:40Hey, shut up!
07:41Uh, Lois, I think you made a mistake.
07:42I'm not the king.
07:43I'm not I.
07:44I'm not anybody.
07:45So what, I had sex with you for nothing?
07:46No, Peter, I...
07:47It's just that directing the show is a big opportunity for me, and I don't want anything to ruin it.
07:56Ruin it?
07:57Yes.
07:58By not using you to your full potential.
07:59You have too much talent for the stage.
08:00You should...
08:01Uh...
08:02Uh...
08:03You...
08:04You should be a producer.
08:05A producer?
08:06Gee, I don't know.
08:07Great news, Edgar Bronfman Jr.
08:08We made the deal.
08:09We're richer and more powerful than ever.
08:10I'm the king of the world.
08:12Ah!
08:13Ah!
08:14Ah!
08:15Ah!
08:16Ah!
08:17Ah!
08:18Ah!
08:19Ah!
08:20Ah!
08:21Ah!
08:22Ah!
08:23Ah!
08:24Ah!
08:25Ah!
08:26Ah!
08:27Ah!
08:28Ah!
08:29Ah!
08:30Ah!
08:31Ah!
08:32Ah!
08:33Ah!
08:34Ah!
08:35Ah!
08:36Giveme my voice for this!
08:37Why?!
08:39I love Mexicans!
08:40I'll do it.
08:44Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
08:47You overextended the Plie.
08:48You screwed it all up!
08:49Let me show you again.
08:51Okay boys, let's do it!
08:53And 1, 2, 3, and, 1, 2, 3, and just like this and watch my feet and 1, 2, 3...
09:00Peter, Chris says you told him to build a set for the north pole.
09:04north pole yeah that's where anna goes to talk with her best friend a penguin
09:08there is no talking penguin in the king and i there is in peter griffin presents
09:13the king and i what now we just got to think of some wicked funny stuff for him
09:17to say peter the director decides whether or not to add a character you're
09:22the producer remember what am i supposed to do with all my great ideas put him in
09:26a tub and clean myself with him because that's what soap is for lois good
09:30producers put their ideas to work outside the theater it's your job to make sure
09:35we sell every seat in this house and and that's creative is it well it's just the
09:40most creative job there is don't you worry lois i'll get the word out i'll tell two
09:46friends and then they'll tell two friends and that's that's like ten people right
09:49there
09:51hey hey i recognize you from the television you're tom tucker i bet you can do this
10:00uh excuse me well you get out of here get out of here
10:06oh wow diane simmons you don't look anything like the ad
10:15you better be huge no i'm peter griffin producer i'm presenting peter griffin presents the king
10:22and i a peter griffin production and i'm giving you the exclusive story look pal some two big
10:27community theater production is in news who's a star for that matter who the hell are you and why
10:33should i give a damn wow i'm being interviewed by diane simmons well lois you told me to produce and i
10:40did i got us a story on the 11 o'clock news really oh peter our top story tonight i will be playing the
10:48role of anna in the quahog players production of the king and i tom thanks diane in other news i won't
10:53be going to the play because i'm sure it will be lousy tom i'm getting late word that you're a petty
10:58jealous closet case bit of breaking news we now go live to diane being a bitch diane
11:02but loretta's playing anna and she's doing a great job loretta's a nobody diane simmons is a star
11:09look lois you wanted me to sell tickets right well people who never even been in a theater will come
11:14see a show with diane simmons i don't know peter she's a news reporter hey hey some of our greatest
11:19actors started in news like sean penn today's weather calls for uh breezy skies and sun and there's gonna
11:26be a get that camera out of my face hey everybody here's our star oh this is so awkward you all know
11:36my name and i've never heard of any of you you ever acted before honey well i did an independent film in
11:42college
12:12let's start with the scene where lady tiong begs anna to comfort the king oh are you playing lady
12:17tiong i was supposed to be anna oh well they did an all you people version of hello dolly that was
12:24very successful okay let's go from the top of scene seven action oh mrs anna the king needs you
12:32you must go to him lady tiong if he needs me truly needs me i will go to him cut all wrong no good
12:40peter what are you doing she was wonderful my ass besides i'm the director it just doesn't feel
12:46real you know i mean i mean anna and miss thing both love the king right on springer yesterday they
12:51had i won't share my husband and these two women bitch slapped each other crowd went nuts loretto
12:56why don't you try slapping diane i think i can do that wait a minute nobody's slapping anybody
13:01this is rogers and hammerstein not trash tv i think peter may be onto something springer is one of
13:08our station's highest rated shows i don't know i thought you wanted to do a good show
13:13well if you want to do a bad show why don't we just do rent i guess we can try the action
13:18come on lois those those hoop skirts make diane look a little hippie you know i was thinking we
13:24could dress her in a pair of sequin capri pants peter they didn't have capri pants in the 1860s
13:30they did now ah you you are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since andrew lloyd webber
13:36and you i just plain don't like you
13:41what's going on oh we're just having a little pow wow to discuss my latest changes
13:49what changes the siamese children how about this they're not children they're aliens
13:56isn't he brilliant no he's not brilliant rogers and hammerstein were brilliant and i want to do
14:05the show they wrote we're not making any more changes we sold out yeah the whole town's talking
14:12about your show dad your show peter this is my show what's the big deal you wanted to shell out and
14:19we did i am through selling out i took this job because i wanted to create something beautiful
14:24and you've completely destroyed that you want to be the director fine i quit
14:29me direct i don't know what to say except i'm the king of the war
14:35morning theater fans good morning peter i made your favorite breakfast
14:43the hell is this french toast i just made a few creative changes to the recipe
14:49i think it's a lot better now lois this is your idea of a joke you must write for leno
14:54oh oh you know it is so fashionable to take a shot at jay leno look look the fact is the man is out
15:00there every bloody night with fresh material and it's charming face it lois you're just jealous
15:06because people like my ideas better than yours i don't care if the whole world loves your ideas
15:10that doesn't make them good i was trying to make art oh art smart put enough monkeys in a room with a
15:17typewriter they'll produce shakespeare uh let's see a something by any other name
15:22carnation peony no they did that on last week's marlo what about uh daisy chrysanthemum iris rose
15:30what about rose did you say rose rose rose uh rose by any other name yeah that works all right
15:35all right moving on hey what about tulip rose is fine moving on beta you've never done a creative
15:41thing in your life it's not true i wrote bonfire of the vanities no you didn't
15:47you win this round lois you're not being creative you're just destroying a wonderful show
15:54hey hey i have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9 a.m the only thing you
16:00create before 9 a.m is exactly what you've turned my show into i think my work will speak for itself
16:06oh haha i just got that a poop joke that's real creative lois okay let's run this scene again
16:18now remember diane you're playing anna a steel town girl on a saturday night looking for the fight of
16:24her life yeah where does it say that in my noodle okay places and action
16:30stop all wrong all wrong god send me dances we've been rehearsing for hours i'm exhausted
16:42well i'm sorry but we opened this show in three hours and i don't think we're ready
16:46of course we're not you keep changing everything you'll bet i do because theater is alive it's a
16:52living breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her
16:57i can't work this way i quit fine we can't do the king and i without anna yeah this is a real
17:04snafu we don't need diane simmons we've had someone better all along someone radiant and sassy
17:11with a soul and a passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression oh
17:16thank you peter i'll do it get over yourself i was talking about me
17:20well well look who came crawling back peter have you seen my wheelchair i don't get it mom if you're
17:38so mad at dad for wrecking your show why did you come to opening night i came because i love the
17:43theater i mean if i just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this
17:47asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town what kind of person would i be
17:52oh bitch
17:54siam 2015 a.d the city lies in ruins after the ninth nuclear world war
18:02it is a grim future with lots of explosions and partial nudity
18:07a future where an oppressive new king has seized power
18:10only one man can stop it no one machine i am an automaton nuclear neo-human android
18:19you may call me anna i am a robot ninja from the planet england who is here to destroy you and
18:26free this land from your tyranny i've been expecting you anna allow me to introduce my siamese children
18:31i will not be swayed by your attempts to confuse my programming with your all-female sex orgy
18:41we must kung fu fight so be it anna
18:44i have slain the evil emperor i hereby proclaim siam the united states of america
18:56anna rules cause i kicked all the bad guys in their jewels
19:03anna won thanks to my gamma ray atomic gun
19:08there's a child he's the world's greatest ninja there's no doubt
19:14though they try to defeat me they can all just freaking eat me
19:19because he blew all of us away
19:23in the planet of siam there's no one as tough as i am just as surely as paul and was gay
19:35oh my god they liked it
19:41stop it stop clapping right now
19:44what's wrong with you these people shouldn't be encouraged they should be punished
19:48that man has committed murder here this evening and the victim's name is theater
19:52this is the kind of mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland
19:57this isn't art this isn't even entertainment this blows
20:03huh
20:05huh
20:06uh
20:07uh
20:09uh
20:12uh
20:13uh
20:17See, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about.
20:34How was the cast party?
20:38We're a hit.
20:39Man, what a night.
20:41I got to see my ideas come to life.
20:43That's the greatest feeling in the world.
20:45Yeah, I bet it is.
20:47It's all thanks to you.
20:48I never would have discovered I could be creative if you hadn't believed in me.
20:52Well, actually, I didn't really.
20:55Not at first, but anyone who could take the King and I and turn it into that is, well,
21:01he's got to be creative.
21:03Yeah, Lois, sorry I took your show away from you, but I'm going to do whatever it takes
21:09to make sure you get your chance next year.
21:11It'll be Peter Griffin presents a Lois Griffin production.
21:15Okay, honey?
21:16Deal.
21:17Hey, were you there when I farted?
21:22Do you know what I farted?
21:23Do you know what I farted?
21:24Do you know what I farted?
21:29Go!
21:30Go!
21:32Go, Go, Go!
21:33Go!
21:34Go, Go, Go!
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