- 2 months ago
- #superheromovies
- #marvelmovies
- #comedymovies
SQUID MAN Exclusive Full Comedy Sci-Fi Movie Premiere English HD 2024
#SuperHeroMovies #MarvelMovies #ComedyMovies
#SuperHeroMovies #MarvelMovies #ComedyMovies
Category
ðĨ
Short filmTranscript
00:00:01My first impulse was to look up.
00:00:07We're used to seeing them rocket through the sky.
00:00:12They headquarter in penthouse suites overlooking the city.
00:00:17Olympian castles for our modern gods.
00:00:23But gods aren't what they used to be.
00:00:29Looking skyward, I found nothing.
00:00:33So I tried looking down, and there he was.
00:00:59I know I know.
00:01:05Just how low can you go?
00:01:17Squidman?
00:01:19Uh-huh.
00:01:24So, how can I help you?
00:01:26You in trouble?
00:01:27Need a superhero?
00:01:28I'm a reporter.
00:01:30Pete Henderson.
00:01:32Well, I'm not exactly news.
00:01:34I'm writing a book about superheroes.
00:01:37Oh, yeah?
00:01:38How's that going?
00:01:39It's just getting started.
00:01:41You know, there are a lot of books about superheroes out there.
00:01:44Journalists usually only focus on the powers and the amazing feats.
00:01:48I want to take it in a different direction.
00:01:50But the powers and the amazing feats, that's the fun part, right?
00:01:53To me, what's interesting are the real people behind the costumes.
00:01:56The day-to-day life of a superhero.
00:01:58That's the story I want to tell.
00:02:00And you want to talk to me about my day-to-day life?
00:02:03That's right.
00:02:04I don't know.
00:02:05Is this some kind of where-are-they-now thing?
00:02:07Because I don't want to come off like a has-been.
00:02:10Not that that's as far from the truth.
00:02:12You just tell me about your life, and I'll report it objectively.
00:02:16Might not make much of a story.
00:02:21Stuff just happens to me for no apparent reason.
00:02:23It doesn't lay itself out all nice and neat like in the comic books.
00:02:28Do you always drink this much?
00:02:30Never always.
00:02:31I'm celebrating.
00:02:32Celebrating what?
00:02:35My latest failure.
00:02:41Let me begin by saying how much we've enjoyed having you on our team.
00:02:45Well, spare me. I'm fired, right?
00:02:48We really value the contributions you've made.
00:02:50Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then why me?
00:02:52If it's not performance-related, I've made contributions. You said it yourself.
00:02:55And no one's denying that.
00:02:57Remember Lord Paradox? That was huge.
00:02:59He was trying to reshape the universe or something.
00:03:03I stopped him.
00:03:05Single-handedly, I stopped his plan of intergalactic reshapement.
00:03:11That was blind luck.
00:03:13That was experience, buddy boy.
00:03:16I get it.
00:03:18You've got nothing to compare to Lord Paradox on your record and you're taking it out on me.
00:03:23Just last week, I stopped the humanoid from detonating the Megabomb.
00:03:26Yeah, yeah, yeah. You saved the city. Kudos.
00:03:29The Lord Paradox man, he was after the whole universe. He was messing with time and shit.
00:03:34We're really sorry to see you go.
00:03:36Jesus.
00:03:37You're fired.
00:03:40Well, I've been reviewing your resume, Squid, and...
00:03:44Squidman.
00:03:45Excuse me?
00:03:46The name is Squidman.
00:03:48Sure.
00:03:49Well, uh, Squidman.
00:03:52Maybe this would be easier if you just listed your powers for him.
00:03:56Okay.
00:03:57Great.
00:03:58Well, I can shoot ink out of my fingers.
00:04:02Ink?
00:04:04A lot of ink?
00:04:05A fair amount.
00:04:06What else?
00:04:08That's about it, really.
00:04:10Ink out of my fingers.
00:04:12Sometimes, in pressure situations, I can shoot it out of my toes.
00:04:22So, you're interested in temporary employment?
00:04:25That's right.
00:04:26Whatever you can find me.
00:04:28Have you done any work with, um, spreadsheets?
00:04:31No, I don't think so.
00:04:34Data entry?
00:04:35No, it didn't come up.
00:04:36I was mostly fighting criminals.
00:04:38We primarily fill office positions.
00:04:41Can you type?
00:04:43No.
00:04:44Thank you for your resume.
00:04:46And, um, if we get anything for you, we'll, uh, we'll give you a call.
00:04:54So, what's your next move?
00:04:56Just keep my eyes open, I guess.
00:04:58The luck's bound to change, it always does.
00:05:00So, you believe in luck?
00:05:01Oh, yeah.
00:05:02Good and bad.
00:05:03I've had streaks of both you wouldn't believe.
00:05:06That's the important part.
00:05:08It always comes from streaks.
00:05:10My dad was a gambler.
00:05:12Craps was his game.
00:05:14One thing that I learned from him is you gotta know when the dice are hot and play it to your advantage.
00:05:20You know, I've seen this naturally.
00:05:23There's no logic or mathematics to support it.
00:05:26But if you can recognize the streak that you're on, lucky or unlucky, you can ride out the bad and get the most out of the good.
00:05:35And you're on a losing streak now?
00:05:37For the moment.
00:05:38But it'll turn around.
00:05:39It always does.
00:05:40It always does.
00:05:41Mean rule.
00:05:42Feel this is a win for me.
00:05:43Mean.
00:05:44Mean.
00:05:45Mean.
00:05:46Mean blues
00:05:57Feel this is a win for me
00:06:03Mean blues
00:06:16Feel this is the end for me
00:06:26Cruel world pulling me down
00:06:32It's making it hard tomorrow to see
00:06:42Three days I ain't heard from my girl
00:06:48I know something is wrong
00:06:58Three days I haven't heard from my girl
00:07:04I know something is wrong
00:07:14She left me for another
00:07:20There's a whole lot where my heart belongs
00:07:30There's no use of me searching
00:07:36I have to let her go
00:07:46There's no use of me searching
00:07:52I have to let her go
00:07:56There's nothing for her to come back to
00:08:06Mean blues got me sinking too low
00:08:12Damn
00:08:16Shit
00:08:22Damn it
00:08:30Hey Warren how you been?
00:08:44Squid man how's it going?
00:08:46I've been better
00:08:48You busy?
00:08:50Just uh
00:08:52Just working on something
00:08:54No severance or anything
00:08:56I don't even have enough money in the bank to make my rent
00:09:00So you wanna crash here for a while?
00:09:02Man I was hoping you'd ask
00:09:04Dude I swear this is only till I get back on my feet
00:09:06Ah don't sweat it man
00:09:08I could use the company
00:09:10Still uh
00:09:12Not working?
00:09:13Yep
00:09:14So far
00:09:15I'm hoping I can rig it so I never have to
00:09:18Good luck with that
00:09:20Ah thanks
00:09:21Yeah I'm on unemployment for another month
00:09:23And uh
00:09:24Then I'm hoping to get this lawsuit thing going
00:09:26The actual damages are pretty small
00:09:28But
00:09:29I think I can get them on the whole emotional trauma angle
00:09:32Don't you need a lawyer for that?
00:09:34I haven't worked all the details out exactly
00:09:38Um
00:09:39Yeah
00:09:40Well how about you man?
00:09:41You got any prospects?
00:09:43I've been on a couple of interviews
00:09:45But
00:09:46Yeah I hear you man
00:09:54You want a beer?
00:09:55Yeah sure thanks
00:10:05Hey Cable
00:10:08Hello?
00:10:31You know what time it is?
00:10:36Oh really?
00:10:37Really?
00:10:42Hi
00:10:43I didn't expect to hear from you guys
00:10:48Sure so what's the gig?
00:10:50Um
00:10:51The people at the agency told me this wasn't going to be a filing job
00:10:55It isn't
00:10:56We need you to retrieve one of our file clerks
00:11:00You lost a file clerk?
00:11:02Um
00:11:03He's hiding
00:11:05We hired him from the same agency as you
00:11:09It was the best temp we ever had
00:11:11Hard worker, fast, efficient, incredible mind for detail
00:11:19Sounds impressive
00:11:21Oh he was
00:11:22He never forgot a file
00:11:23He never forgot a file, I think he had a photographic memory
00:11:25What was he doing as a file clerk?
00:11:27I don't know
00:11:28I think he used to be some kind of professor
00:11:32He was pretty desperate when he took the assignment
00:11:35At first he had a great attitude
00:11:37As the weeks passed
00:11:41His behavior began to change
00:11:43Change?
00:11:45How?
00:11:46Every day he was a different person
00:11:47You never knew what to expect
00:11:50One day he would speak in rhyme
00:11:51The next day not at all
00:11:53Once he spent the entire day talking backwards
00:11:56Backwards?
00:11:57Backwards?
00:11:58How could you tell what he was saying?
00:11:59We couldn't
00:12:02Well then how do you know he was speaking backwards?
00:12:05You could just tell
00:12:08He was a very intelligent man
00:12:10So how did you
00:12:12You know
00:12:13Lose him?
00:12:14He got worse
00:12:15As the weeks passed
00:12:16He became
00:12:18I guess the word would be
00:12:20Animalistic
00:12:26Wow
00:12:29Good morning
00:12:39I think it looks good
00:12:40My signature here
00:12:41Four or five copies
00:12:42And I think it's good to go out
00:12:51We knew we had to let him go
00:12:53But by then he'd stopped leaving the file room
00:12:57He's been living in there for weeks now
00:12:59And they can't find him
00:13:01I don't know where he hides
00:13:03And to be honest we're all a little scared
00:13:05Herb Wasserman from accounting went in after him
00:13:23Um
00:13:49Mr. Perkins wanted me to tell you
00:13:51Errrr
00:13:57Errr
00:13:58Errr...
00:13:59Errrr's mind
00:14:06Errrr...
00:14:07Errrr's in barrel
00:14:11Errrrrr's mWestern
00:14:12Errrrrr's mind
00:14:14Errrrr
00:14:16Errrrrr's mind
00:14:17Bett stomach
00:14:20sick leave, but I don't think he's coming back. So you want me to get this guy out of there?
00:14:26I know it won't be easy. I'm a superhero. I'm trained to deal with these kinds of things.
00:14:33He's just crazy, right? No powers. Not that I know of. No problem.
00:14:40Oh. This fire room is pretty big. We have a lot of clients. What is it that you do here, anyway?
00:14:58He's awake!
00:14:59Come out!
00:15:11Yoo-hoo, crazy temp! I can hear you banging around in there. Time to leave the fire room.
00:15:29Yoo-hoo, crazy temp!
00:15:47Generally, we have to get from here until the end of the room before we get started.
00:15:53To be honest, I have no idea what you want to do if you are with the room.
00:15:55Under A for animals, is that it?
00:16:10You're not an animal, you're a human being.
00:16:13This isn't a jungle, it's a vile room.
00:16:18Sure, it's a shitty job.
00:16:20It's got to be built somehow, right?
00:16:25Oh!
00:16:27Oh!
00:16:28Oh!
00:16:30Oh!
00:16:32Oh!
00:16:34Oh!
00:16:38Oh!
00:16:42Oh!
00:16:48Ha ha!
00:16:50Upset the little system, did I?
00:16:54It would be a shame if something happened to these files.
00:16:57No!
00:17:00That's better.
00:17:01Now sit.
00:17:06Like a human being.
00:17:10Good.
00:17:13Now we're going to talk.
00:17:14You remember how to talk?
00:17:16You remember how to talk?
00:17:20What's your name?
00:17:25Marvin.
00:17:27Alright now Marvin.
00:17:29You're going to have to stop acting like this.
00:17:32It's just not acceptable.
00:17:33Too many days.
00:17:35Not enough fun.
00:17:36Too many days.
00:17:37Not enough fun.
00:17:39My decayed soul over rot.
00:17:40Right.
00:17:41The rhyming thing.
00:17:42Usage of great.
00:17:43Near zero percent.
00:17:44Great matter.
00:17:45Screws.
00:17:46Unblues.
00:17:47And.
00:17:48Ferment.
00:17:49Uh huh.
00:17:50I get you.
00:17:51Overqualified.
00:17:52Tedium.
00:17:53Starts.
00:17:54With.
00:17:55T.
00:17:56Leaks to delirium.
00:17:57Starts.
00:17:58With.
00:17:59T.
00:18:00Leaks to delirium.
00:18:02Starts.
00:18:03With.
00:18:04D.
00:18:05Ahhhh.
00:18:06Uh huh.
00:18:07I get you.
00:18:08Overqualified.
00:18:09Tedium.
00:18:10Starts.
00:18:11With.
00:18:12T.
00:18:13Leaks to delirium.
00:18:14Starts.
00:18:15With.
00:18:16D.
00:18:17Leaks to delirium.
00:18:18Starts.
00:18:19With.
00:18:20D.
00:18:21Ahhhh.
00:18:22Ahhhh.
00:18:23Ahhhh.
00:18:24Ahhhh.
00:18:25Ahhhh.
00:18:26Ahhhh.
00:18:27Ahhhh.
00:18:28Ahhhh.
00:18:29Ahhhh.
00:18:30Ahhhh.
00:18:31Ahhhh.
00:18:32Ahhhh.
00:18:33Stand up.
00:18:34We're taking you out of here.
00:18:36Ahhhh.
00:18:37Ahhhh.
00:18:38Ahhhh.
00:18:39Ahhhh.
00:18:40Ahhhh.
00:18:41Ahhhh.
00:18:42Ahhhh.
00:18:43Ahhhh.
00:18:44Ahhhh.
00:18:45Ahhhh.
00:18:46Ahhhh.
00:18:47Ahhhh.
00:18:48Ahhhh.
00:18:49Ahhhh.
00:18:50And here's the real kicker.
00:18:51They only paid me for an hour's work.
00:18:53You're kidding.
00:18:54I wish I was.
00:18:55That's awesome.
00:18:56Oh so um.
00:18:58Ahhhh.
00:18:59Ahhhh.
00:19:00Here he is.
00:19:01Hey buddy.
00:19:02Hey.
00:19:03Hey.
00:19:04Hey Pete.
00:19:05This here is my buddy Warren.
00:19:06Howdy Pete.
00:19:07So how long have you known Squidman?
00:19:09Uh.
00:19:10Let's just say we go way back.
00:19:12He likes to keep his background shrouded in mystery.
00:19:15Warren does everything that he can to keep him working.
00:19:19I've made it my life's goal.
00:19:21He is a real hero.
00:19:22Maybe you should put him in your book.
00:19:24Pete is writing a book about me.
00:19:26Oh yeah?
00:19:27Yeah.
00:19:28Well a book about superhero.
00:19:29You talked to anyone else yet?
00:19:30No.
00:19:31They aren't all as accessible as you are.
00:19:34Ha ha ha.
00:19:35That's me.
00:19:36The people's superhero.
00:19:37The working man superhero.
00:19:39Ha ha ha.
00:19:40I'm at least getting my own chapter though right here.
00:19:43Hey.
00:19:44We'll see.
00:19:45Hey.
00:19:46Thanks.
00:19:47Keep them coming.
00:19:48Warren was a superhero for a while.
00:19:50Ha ha ha.
00:19:51The electrosaur.
00:19:52The electrosaur?
00:19:53Yeah.
00:19:54Like an electric dinosaur?
00:19:55Yeah.
00:19:56That was the best scam ever.
00:19:58That was great.
00:19:59So what was the deal?
00:20:00Well a couple of years ago in the superhero society.
00:20:03Before the bastards laid me off.
00:20:05Ah fuckers.
00:20:06They had this program where you could bring in a kid's sidekick and show him the ropes.
00:20:11Warren was out of work.
00:20:12Always.
00:20:13So we signed him on as my sidekick.
00:20:15Got him a costume and called him the electrosaur.
00:20:19What could be more powerful than an electrical dinosaur?
00:20:22Ha ha ha.
00:20:23Right?
00:20:24But we kinda neglected to mention what his powers actually were.
00:20:26Or whether he had any powers at all.
00:20:28We just let them use their imaginations.
00:20:31And once he'd gone on a couple of missions with us, it became more and more awkward for
00:20:35them to ask.
00:20:36So you went with him on mission?
00:20:37Yeah.
00:20:38I basically just tried to stay out of the way and not get killed.
00:20:41An excellent strategy.
00:20:43You gotta know when you're outclassed.
00:20:46So what happened?
00:20:47Well they caught on.
00:20:48Eventually.
00:20:49But not before I made some serious bank.
00:20:51Oh hell yeah.
00:20:52And the teams, they paid well in those days, right?
00:20:54The electrosaur, he tagged them along for a good what?
00:20:57Two or three months?
00:20:58Six months.
00:20:59I lived off those chicks for a year.
00:21:02Healthy severance too.
00:21:03Yeah, don't you just love that?
00:21:05The teams used to really pay out.
00:21:08Those days are long gone now.
00:21:10Oh, fuckers.
00:21:11Good riddance.
00:21:12Mmhmm.
00:21:13So, when you, when you first got...
00:21:14This is it buddy, you're living it.
00:21:15The day-to-day life of a superhero.
00:21:16Doesn't get any more day-to-day in than this.
00:21:17I hope you're taking lots of notes.
00:21:18Um, getting back to the conversation.
00:21:19Right.
00:21:20Interview me, I can take it.
00:21:21You were talking about...
00:21:22Are you guys hungry?
00:21:23When you first got into the business...
00:21:24Squidman and the Electrosaur.
00:21:25The winning combination.
00:21:26Ah.
00:21:27The greatest prime bratty ever.
00:21:28The greatest prime bratty ever.
00:21:29You're living it.
00:21:30You're living it.
00:21:31The day-to-day life of a superhero.
00:21:32Doesn't get any more day-to-day in than this.
00:21:33I hope you're taking lots of notes.
00:21:35Um, getting back to the conversation.
00:21:36Right.
00:21:37Interview me, I can take it.
00:21:38You were talking about...
00:21:39Are you guys hungry?
00:21:40When you first got into the, uh, business...
00:21:41Squidman and the Electrosaur.
00:21:42The winning combination.
00:21:43Ah.
00:21:44The greatest prime bratty team in history, man.
00:21:45Ha.
00:21:46And...
00:21:47And...
00:21:48Pete!
00:21:49He needs a superhero.
00:21:50Mmhmm.
00:21:51Mmhmm.
00:21:52Mmhmm.
00:21:53Mmhmm.
00:21:54Mmhmm.
00:21:55Mmhmm.
00:21:56Mmhmm.
00:21:57Mmhmm.
00:21:58Mmhmm.
00:21:59Mmhmm.
00:22:00Mmhmm.
00:22:01Mmhmm.
00:22:02Mmhmm.
00:22:03Mmhmm.
00:22:04Mmhmm.
00:22:05Mmhmm.
00:22:06Really, really, just...
00:22:07Pete is fine.
00:22:08No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:22:09I get to be the Electrosaur.
00:22:11You need one, too, man.
00:22:12Yeah, what do we call you?
00:22:14Um...
00:22:15Captain...
00:22:16Something.
00:22:17Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
00:22:18That's...
00:22:19You need one.
00:22:20We'll work on it.
00:22:21Uh, so, uh, can I ask you a question?
00:22:23Yeah, yeah, an interview.
00:22:25He's writing an interview about me.
00:22:28Yeah.
00:22:29The book.
00:22:30He told me.
00:22:31Yeah, he's writing a book about me.
00:22:34I told you that.
00:22:35Yeah.
00:22:36That's awesome, man.
00:22:37So, what's your next question?
00:22:39Well...
00:22:40There's a second.
00:22:49Uh, Squidman?
00:22:52Huh?
00:22:54You okay?
00:22:55Yeah, sure, I'm fine.
00:22:56What were you thinking about?
00:22:57Oh, you know...
00:22:58Superhero stuff.
00:22:59Do you mind if we pick up with the interview?
00:23:00Sure, what were you talking about?
00:23:01I'd ask you about the romantic life of a superhero.
00:23:02Ah, yes.
00:23:03The women.
00:23:04Is there a lady in Squidman's life?
00:23:05Nah.
00:23:06You'd think the ladies would be all over a superhero, wouldn't you?
00:23:07Sure.
00:23:08Used to be that way.
00:23:09A few years back.
00:23:10A few years back.
00:23:11All the action I could handle.
00:23:17Oh, yeah.
00:23:18Oh, yeah.
00:23:19These superheroes used to throw some wild parties.
00:23:21I was living like a rock star for a while then.
00:23:25Yeah.
00:23:26No.
00:23:27No.
00:23:28No.
00:23:29No.
00:23:30No.
00:23:31No.
00:23:32No.
00:23:33No.
00:23:34No.
00:23:35No, man.
00:23:36No.
00:23:37No.
00:23:38No.
00:23:39No, man, no.
00:23:41No, man.
00:23:42No.
00:23:43No.
00:23:44No.
00:23:45No.
00:23:46No.
00:23:47No.
00:23:48No.
00:23:49No.
00:23:50a while then do you miss that lifestyle yeah the groupie thing can be fun but eventually it all
00:23:57starts to feel empty i sure would like some female companionship though wasn't there anybody special
00:24:05back then there was this one girl it's making it hard tomorrow pretty serious well it started out
00:24:13casual but it felt like it was going somewhere you know how it is when things start to click
00:24:18what happened yes you could say that it ended badly very badly you broke up worse
00:24:29well for starters it turned out she was something of a superhero groupie herself
00:24:37oh oh yeah definitely had a thing for the superheroes i found this out the hard way one
00:24:44night when the rex shows up the worst possible moment why don't you just talk to me i don't
00:24:50want to just give me a chance i don't want to thank you what the hell did i do wrong
00:24:55this guy had super strength invulnerability i mean the whole deal i didn't stand a chance
00:25:08one punch it was all over knocked you out cold no you don't get it he killed me
00:25:17i died
00:25:20but you came back from the dead right i mean you superheroes always yeah i know
00:25:25and i did too obviously but i didn't fake it or anything i actually died i felt breaking
00:25:36i felt lightheaded the oxygen stopped hitting my brain and then
00:25:42nothing
00:25:47nothing
00:25:49where am i
00:26:11what
00:26:18who are you
00:26:24who are you
00:26:29are you aliens
00:26:34yeah i know it sounds silly to me too but that's how it happened
00:26:49they brought me back you were given a second chance i guess so but there is one thing about
00:27:04this whole rebirth business that i can't get out of my head the moment of your death well
00:27:08yeah getting killed sucks definitely but it's more than that
00:27:15the moment
00:27:16the moment
00:27:17it had a feeling of
00:27:18the
00:27:22reality
00:27:23i mean it only took a split second but in my mind there was no doubt it was over
00:27:28but obviously that's not the case
00:27:29when i came back to the world and everything the injuries in my neck was gone there were no broken bones no scars of any kind
00:27:42even the ones i got as a kid wiped away
00:27:44wiped away
00:27:45so
00:27:46what
00:27:47they cloned me
00:27:51they cloned me
00:27:52okay
00:27:53uh
00:27:54you've got a new body
00:27:55it's still a second chance
00:27:56did they somehow transfer my essence
00:27:58my soul
00:28:00or whatever
00:28:01to the cloned body
00:28:02or did they just duplicate the memories of personality then implant them
00:28:06cause if that's the case
00:28:08the real squid man is dead
00:28:10and i'm just a cop
00:28:12what if you are a cop
00:28:13does that make you any less you
00:28:15i don't know
00:28:17all i know is thinking about it makes my head hurt
00:28:31goodnight pete
00:28:32goodnight pete
00:28:33i feel fine
00:29:02how's it going
00:29:05fine
00:29:09what are you doing
00:29:10working from home
00:29:12ah yes
00:29:15stuffing envelopes
00:29:16yes
00:29:17stuffing them
00:29:19with paper
00:29:22can you actually make money at that
00:29:25it is possible
00:29:26theoretically
00:29:27at least
00:29:28if you're telling me these would you have to do
00:29:31it's to break you um a lot thousands i've been up all night it's supposed to be easy that's the
00:29:42whole point but it's not easy oh um you got a phone call a couple hours ago uh i meant to get
00:29:50you up but i uh the envelopes did you get a number i did
00:29:55hi this is squid man i'm returning a call
00:30:15you're kidding
00:30:25foolish humans cover the feet of lord paradox please don't hurt us when i am finished my dear
00:30:37you and everyone on this pathetic planet will have never existed not so fast paradox who dare squid
00:30:48man remember me oh i remember you and you'll not find me so easy to defeat this time you'll die
00:30:56by my hands well before you do something rash you might want to try these
00:31:01these tasty treats are so wonderful my dreams of conquest suddenly don't seem so important
00:31:14even you can't resist the delicious taste of spongy's cream-filled snack cakes
00:31:21so long paradox i don't want to erase history anymore any timeline that includes these delicious
00:31:29cream-filled spongy cakes can't be all bad
00:31:33he's right kids be sure to ask your mom and dad about spongy's cream-filled snack cakes
00:31:42and cut
00:31:44that was great very natural yeah i've been spouting that kind of dialogue for years
00:31:55drinks are on me guys you've been getting drinks all night man and you know what rent's on me too
00:32:01oh come on now that i got some cash i intend to share
00:32:04it's a hit squid man
00:32:07to me america loves a has-been i'm not trying to rain on your parade on you
00:32:14well going into journalism well some may accuse you of selling out
00:32:18i don't see it that way you are playing off your image as a superhero and self-snack
00:32:23kids well your first mistake isn't assuming that i have any credibility to punish
00:32:27my image is that of a washed up loser and that's what they're selling
00:32:31okay but you're still participating listen i love spongy's always have
00:32:36fuck yeah but aren't superheroes supposed to stand for truth and justice and
00:32:42and sponges and why can't a superhero stand for spongy they're yummy
00:32:47listen to him pete warren here is the man on the street he's right i'm the common man the
00:32:53every man i got my fingertip on the pulse of the nation warren is a good old-fashioned
00:32:58and he loves truth and justice and sponges and how can you not love sponges
00:33:06uh they're filled with sugary goodness the fact remains that the superhero business doesn't pay
00:33:11for free agents but we put on these costumes because we want to stop the bad guys or because
00:33:17we don't know how to do anything else either way we're performing a public service but we got to
00:33:22make money somehow saving the world don't pay the bills damn straight it doesn't
00:33:26does a love of tasty dessert treats somehow contradict the love of freedom and justice
00:33:31not in my world it doesn't i don't want to live in the world where it does god bless america and god
00:33:38bless spongy's cream-filled snack gigs may this be the first of many empty sellout endorsements
00:33:46i'll drink to that
00:33:47spongy
00:33:53spongy
00:33:56spongy
00:34:06spongy
00:34:07spongy
00:34:13okay
00:34:23thanks
00:34:25Be sure to try the new raspberry flavor.
00:34:34Okay, everybody.
00:34:36I'm going to step out for a bit,
00:34:37but I'll be right back to sign more pictures.
00:34:55A sponge you would go well with that.
00:35:04Thanks.
00:35:10Hungry, huh?
00:35:13I haven't eaten all day.
00:35:16Are you okay?
00:35:20Yes.
00:35:22Anything I can do?
00:35:23I don't think so.
00:35:26Try me.
00:35:27I'm a superhero.
00:35:28No, you're not.
00:35:30You're just some guy they put in a costume to help sell sponges.
00:35:34Seriously, I'm the real item.
00:35:36I could shoot ink out of my finger.
00:35:39Let me buy you a cup of coffee and tell me all that.
00:35:44Okay.
00:35:45I'm Squidman.
00:35:47I'm Martha.
00:35:48I'm not sure if this will qualify a superhero business.
00:35:51We live to serve.
00:35:54Consider me at your disposal.
00:35:56My own superhero.
00:36:01Wow.
00:36:02So what's the problem?
00:36:04You know that bus stop across the street from the store?
00:36:07Yeah.
00:36:07That's where I was supposed to meet my boyfriend this morning.
00:36:11Boyfriend, huh?
00:36:12Well, he was my boyfriend.
00:36:16Now, I'm not sure.
00:36:18These superheroes are trained to deal with unusual circumstances.
00:36:21Just give me the facts, and we'll try to sort it out.
00:36:24We met in grad school, back in Oklahoma.
00:36:29Oh, yeah?
00:36:29What were you studying?
00:36:30Speech pathology.
00:36:32Andrew was in psychology.
00:36:35He graduated six months before I did, and he moved here for work.
00:36:38The plan was for me to follow him when I graduated.
00:36:41So I did.
00:36:42And now, he's not here.
00:36:49Have you been having problems?
00:36:50No.
00:36:52Everything was fine.
00:36:54But now he seems to have dropped off the face of the earth.
00:36:56Have you tried calling him?
00:36:57He said his number was disconnected.
00:37:00So I looked up his apartment.
00:37:01It was barren, like it hadn't been lived in for months.
00:37:03Are you sure you had the right place?
00:37:04I'm positive.
00:37:06I know he lived there.
00:37:08Recently.
00:37:08I must have.
00:37:09Give a picture of him.
00:37:17I'll tell you what.
00:37:20I'll look into it.
00:37:22See what I can dig up.
00:37:24Well, I'm no detective, but I will do what I can.
00:37:27I really appreciate it.
00:37:29So you're an art student, huh?
00:37:32No, speech pathology.
00:37:35Oh, yeah, that's right.
00:37:36You said that.
00:37:37Why did I think you were an art student?
00:37:42Why the hell did you say that?
00:37:44I don't know.
00:37:45It was one of those things.
00:37:47When she started talking about college, I guess she'd been an art student.
00:37:49Split second before she said speech pathology, and that was what I remembered.
00:37:55You crack me up, man.
00:37:56She seemed like she should have been an art student.
00:38:00How do you figure that?
00:38:01Trust me.
00:38:02She had a definite art student thing going on.
00:38:04She had this necklace on her.
00:38:07It looked handmade.
00:38:08I don't know.
00:38:09Uh-huh.
00:38:10Seriously, art student.
00:38:12If I got to write the story of my own life, the new woman in it would definitely be an art student.
00:38:16I don't know.
00:38:18Art student seems a little clichÃĐ.
00:38:21And unless you're jumping the gun, calling her the woman in your life?
00:38:24I'm telling you, there was something going on here.
00:38:27I was smitten.
00:38:29I'm not saying that it was love at first sight or anything, but she was digging me.
00:38:33I was getting a vibe.
00:38:34Oh, awesome.
00:38:36A vibe.
00:38:37But you're helping her look for her boyfriend.
00:38:39That seems like a conflict of interest.
00:38:41I don't see it that way.
00:38:45I'm going to put forth an honest attempt.
00:38:48If I don't find the guy, who knows?
00:38:50Maybe something can happen.
00:38:53If I do find the guy and she ends up staying with him, well, then I'll just suffer in silence.
00:38:58Ouch.
00:39:00Yeah, but it can be fun to play the martyr.
00:39:02It'd be so tragic and poetic if I hooked her up and they ended up being together.
00:39:07A little self-congratulatory for a martyr.
00:39:11Yep, but you can't deny the dramatic impact.
00:39:16Well, if you were writing your own life story, what would happen next?
00:39:19Would she fall for you or get back for the boyfriend?
00:39:23Well, if I wanted it to be a realistic story, then I'd find the boyfriend and they'd end up staying together.
00:39:29You masochist.
00:39:31But briefly, she'd wind up breaking up with him as a result of his mysterious past or whatever.
00:39:38And then she'd come to me for consolation.
00:39:40Oh, yeah.
00:39:41And I'd console her.
00:39:43I would be wonderful.
00:39:44And it would seem like something great was going to happen, but she just wouldn't go for me.
00:39:49Why the hell not?
00:39:50I don't know.
00:39:52Something superficial.
00:39:54Or maybe she's not feeling the chemistry.
00:39:56Or maybe nothing at all.
00:39:57Who knows?
00:39:57She just doesn't.
00:39:59This story sucks.
00:40:01But it rings true, doesn't it?
00:40:03For a pessimist, maybe.
00:40:04So, that's the story you tell?
00:40:09No, I think I'd go for the unrealistic version.
00:40:12For purely selfish reasons.
00:40:13Oh, thank God.
00:40:14I find the guy.
00:40:15Well, I don't.
00:40:16It doesn't matter.
00:40:17It's me that she loves.
00:40:18She forgets all about him when faced with my charm.
00:40:22That's what I'm talking about.
00:40:25What do you think, Pete?
00:40:27Just let me know how it turns out.
00:40:29Do you want a cup of coffee?
00:40:43No, thanks.
00:40:44Let's just get down to it.
00:40:47Okay.
00:40:47Sure.
00:40:49Well, I did what I could, and I contacted my police and CIA sources.
00:40:53Had them run the usual checks.
00:40:55And?
00:40:56Well, they couldn't find any evidence of the man that you mentioned.
00:41:00He never moved to the city.
00:41:01He never existed at all, as far as they could tell.
00:41:04But what does this mean?
00:41:07Well, either he was lying to you the whole time, or...
00:41:11I don't know, something stranger.
00:41:15I told you I wasn't much of a detective.
00:41:19We were able to locate a few of the acquaintances that you spoke of.
00:41:23Did they remember him, or did I imagine the whole thing?
00:41:25You know, they remembered him, uh, vaguely.
00:41:30It just seems that there's no formal record of him and no history before college.
00:41:35Oh.
00:41:36I'm sorry.
00:41:37Mysteries never seem to have satisfying solutions.
00:41:40Not in real life, anyway.
00:41:41I don't know.
00:41:41Well, so you think you're gonna stay in town?
00:41:51I guess so.
00:41:54I pretty much closed up shop when I moved.
00:41:58I've gotta find a job.
00:42:00Shit.
00:42:00Well, you'll find something.
00:42:03I thought Andrew would be around to help me get started.
00:42:07If there's anything that I can do...
00:42:10I'll be okay.
00:42:12Look, I'm sorry that I wasn't able to dig up any information.
00:42:15I guess I didn't really know Andrew at all.
00:42:21Take a chance that each new person is gonna be the one.
00:42:26Andrew wasn't it.
00:42:29Most of them aren't, I guess.
00:42:30But I do like to think that everything happens for a reason.
00:42:38Maybe Andrew was just a placeholder on my path to better things.
00:42:43A placeholder?
00:42:44Yeah, maybe he just came into my life to get me where I needed to be.
00:42:59For your help.
00:43:00Just doing my job.
00:43:22Hold on.
00:43:24Hold on.
00:43:25Yes?
00:43:28I, uh...
00:43:29Well, since you're new in town.
00:43:33I had those printed up a while back, so...
00:43:36Well, that's my hotline number.
00:43:38You can use it in case of an emergency.
00:43:41What kind of emergency?
00:43:43You know, a superhero emergency.
00:43:45Maybe a giant lizard.
00:43:48A giant lizard?
00:43:48A giant lizard?
00:43:49We had one last year.
00:43:51It ate eggs at the train station.
00:43:54A bunch of us supertypes had to go in there and just...
00:43:56But do you think it's likely you'll get a giant lizard two years in a row?
00:44:01Well, that's the thing with these emergencies.
00:44:03You can never tell.
00:44:05Anyhow, that number is good for other things, too.
00:44:07Not just lizards.
00:44:08UFOs.
00:44:09I don't know.
00:44:10UFOs.
00:44:11Super villains.
00:44:12Elves.
00:44:13Elves.
00:44:14Elves.
00:44:14Elves?
00:44:15Could be anything.
00:44:16I don't know.
00:44:17I don't know.
00:44:17You might need help finding an apartment, for example.
00:44:20Or moving a large piece of furniture.
00:44:23Or maybe being new in town, you might need a good restaurant recommendation.
00:44:29Oh, super heroes are good for that, too?
00:44:31Yeah.
00:44:32We're great for that.
00:44:49Was it a tough decision?
00:44:50Well, not really.
00:44:52Trust me.
00:44:53I'd love to have called myself something cooler, but I could shoot ink out of my fingers.
00:44:58The squid man just sort of suggested itself.
00:45:01I guess I can see your point, but there's got to be something else that shoots ink.
00:45:05Maybe you could be ballpoint pen man.
00:45:09The inkwell.
00:45:10Captain calligraphy.
00:45:11I don't know.
00:45:12Is a pen cooler than a squid?
00:45:14A question I've often pondered.
00:45:16In any case, the costume's already paid for.
00:45:24You know, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but...
00:45:28Do you have to wear the costume all the time?
00:45:33Well, I don't want to compromise my secret identity.
00:45:38I mean, the first few times we went out, I thought it was kind of cute, but you never
00:45:42take it off.
00:45:44Doesn't that seem a little weird to you?
00:45:47Well, I guess I joke about it, but I do take that part of it seriously.
00:45:54Now, doesn't that feel better?
00:45:55Yeah.
00:45:56Wow, it does.
00:46:01Maybe it's gotten too easy to leave the costume on.
00:46:08You know, Squid Man isn't my real name.
00:46:09It's not?
00:46:10No.
00:46:11No.
00:46:12No.
00:46:13Remember, I came up with that to go with the superhero thing.
00:46:14Oh, yeah, right.
00:46:15It's not.
00:46:16I don't know.
00:46:17I came up with that to go with the superhero thing.
00:46:18Oh, yeah, right, because you shoot ink out of your fingers.
00:46:19Yeah.
00:46:21It's not.
00:46:22I don't know.
00:46:23I mean, I don't know, or the other one, I don't know.
00:46:24I don't know.
00:46:25But I like to talk to you, Rob.
00:46:26I can tell the story about you, Rob.
00:46:27Well, and how you could out you, Rob?
00:46:29You could say, you know, you've got in the different forms, you know, what?
00:46:30I'm talking to you.
00:46:31I'm talking to you.
00:46:32I'm talking to you.
00:46:33I'm talking to you, Rob.
00:46:34You're talking to me, I'm talking to Robin.
00:46:35And, trying to tell my story about you.
00:46:36We had aęą°ëž bomb.
00:46:37It's not?
00:46:38No.
00:46:39I came up with that to go with the superhero thing.
00:46:41Oh, yeah, Right, because you shoot ink out of your fingers.
00:46:45Yeah.
00:46:46Yeah.
00:46:49And I still can't tell you my real name.
00:46:52I gotcha. Past shrouded in mystery and all that.
00:46:59That's right.
00:47:02You can call me Russ.
00:47:04Russ.
00:47:06Is that your name?
00:47:10I'm sorry, but I can't reveal that.
00:47:14Okay, Russ.
00:47:17I did know a puffer fish.
00:47:20You know, that's just what I love about this neighborhood, because it takes me back to my roots.
00:47:40Is this where you grew up?
00:47:41Yes, this is where you grew up.
00:47:43I know, I know, but I'm working. I can't. I have to.
00:47:53He's on duty, sorry.
00:47:54I'm on duty. Thank you.
00:47:59You should never end.
00:48:05Having fun?
00:48:06Hell yeah.
00:48:08Oh, this is great.
00:48:09Just like the old days, huh?
00:48:11Yeah.
00:48:12Like when we were kids.
00:48:14I'd still say we should have brought a six pack, though.
00:48:16Yeah, maybe.
00:48:18I'm trying to cut back.
00:48:19Ah, cleaning up your act, huh?
00:48:22Okay.
00:48:24I'm really happy for you guys.
00:48:27Thanks, man.
00:48:28Martha's a real sweetheart.
00:48:29You two are great together.
00:48:31It's about time you got your share.
00:48:34How about you? Anything panning out for you?
00:48:36I got a couple lines in the fire, so to speak.
00:48:39Uh-huh.
00:48:40Yeah, I'm working on inventions.
00:48:42Oh, yeah?
00:48:43Yeah.
00:48:44Oh, you can make a bundle if you patent a new product.
00:48:46How's that going?
00:48:47Uh, pretty good.
00:48:49I just have to come up with something really good to invent.
00:48:53I guess that's the hard part.
00:48:55I don't know, man.
00:48:57I'm still waiting.
00:49:00Something's gotta happen for me eventually, right?
00:49:03Good things are coming, man.
00:49:06Maybe it's time you started taking better care of yourself.
00:49:20Hey, hey, hey.
00:49:21Hiya, Pete.
00:49:25What's that?
00:49:26The first chapter.
00:49:27It's a long fall from Mount Olympus and Squid Man was at the very bottom.
00:49:38Awesome.
00:49:39I hope that's not too...
00:49:40No, no, no. I love it.
00:49:43Besides, it's true. I had hit rock bottom.
00:49:47You don't have to read it now.
00:49:49But let me know what you think when you get a chance.
00:49:52This is all about me.
00:49:54Have you been talking to any other superheroes?
00:49:57A few.
00:49:59But now I'm thinking I'm gonna keep it about your life.
00:50:02You're kidding.
00:50:03My life is boring.
00:50:04Not at all.
00:50:05Things are really turning around.
00:50:07And this is exactly the kind of story people want to hear.
00:50:10It is a nice one, isn't it?
00:50:11It is.
00:50:13Remember when we talked about luck from the gambler's perspective?
00:50:16Yeah.
00:50:17See what I mean about my luck being in the streets?
00:50:20My luck's changed.
00:50:21That's what's happening.
00:50:22Just like you predicted.
00:50:27Is it crazy that part of me keeps worrying that this is too good to be true?
00:50:32That the other shoe is about to drop?
00:50:33Baby, are you okay?
00:50:34Go back to sleep.
00:50:35Come here.
00:50:36Come here.
00:50:38Baby, are you okay?
00:50:55Go back to sleep.
00:50:58Come here.
00:51:01Just a bad dream.
00:51:26Hope I don't mess this up.
00:51:28I'm not much of a cook.
00:51:29I'm sure you can handle it, hero.
00:51:31You know I never felt like a hero
00:51:35until you called me one?
00:51:37You are.
00:51:39You rescued me?
00:51:40Well, I don't know if I ever exactly rescued you.
00:51:43You did.
00:51:46Have you ever heard of Captain Quasar?
00:51:49No.
00:51:51There are a lot of superheroes out there.
00:51:53He's the only one I ever met before you.
00:51:55Who?
00:51:56Saved my family when I was a kid.
00:51:58My dad used to have one of those
00:52:00single-engine prop planes,
00:52:02he'd take us up, fly us in a few circles,
00:52:04then back down on this tiny rural airstrip.
00:52:07Well,
00:52:09one day the plane stalled and we were going down.
00:52:12It was terrifying.
00:52:15From out of nowhere,
00:52:16this superhero, all dressed in gold and green,
00:52:19flew in and he guided us down.
00:52:20Even after we were safe, I was really shaken up.
00:52:28I couldn't stop crying.
00:52:30Before he flew away, Captain Quasar looked down at me and he said,
00:52:34if you're ever in trouble, just look for a superhero.
00:52:37Rescuing people is what we do.
00:52:39That's a nice idea.
00:52:40Did it make you feel better?
00:52:43Yeah, it worked.
00:52:44I stopped crying.
00:52:46Well, since then, I haven't been in any more plane crashes
00:52:49or run into any armed robbers or anything.
00:52:52But I've had some hard times.
00:52:57Dated some losers.
00:52:59Made some bad decisions.
00:53:01The thing with Andrew was definitely a low point.
00:53:05But when I was most in need of rescuing,
00:53:08there you were.
00:53:08Well, let's just say that we rescued each other.
00:53:12Happy birthday!
00:53:14Oh, man!
00:53:15A cake!
00:53:16You guys made me a cake.
00:53:18That's awesome!
00:53:19Here's two good things for everybody.
00:53:22All right.
00:53:24I brought it.
00:53:27Beer?
00:53:28Pete, we're going to get pizza.
00:53:31No.
00:53:32Nice to see you outside of your little squid helmet.
00:53:35You're not wearing that.
00:53:35I told you.
00:53:36People made me feel that way, too.
00:53:39I was ostracized.
00:53:42Dude, cut that.
00:53:43Cut that cake.
00:53:45Was that always good?
00:53:45No.
00:53:47No, I didn't.
00:53:48I'm sorry.
00:53:48Store-bought?
00:53:49Oh, yeah.
00:53:50Whip it.
00:53:50Oh, I was talking about humble man of the people.
00:53:53One, two, four.
00:53:56Oh, look at that.
00:53:59Did we catch where the asshole this guy is?
00:54:00Get the essence of the ass.
00:54:01All right.
00:54:02Oh, you're being shit.
00:54:05Oh, my God.
00:54:06How long have you been on this?
00:54:07I'm maybe about seven years old.
00:54:09Yeah.
00:54:11Yep.
00:54:11Second grade.
00:54:12I figured, you know, they'll do invited you.
00:54:15Pete, thanks, man.
00:54:16That's awesome.
00:54:17I want to give a toast.
00:54:18Make a toast to everybody.
00:54:19Raise your glasses.
00:54:22To my oldest friend and my new friends.
00:54:26Martha, it's nice to meet you.
00:54:27So glad.
00:54:29Thanks a lot.
00:54:30Pete, thanks for coming, man.
00:54:32Cheers, everybody.
00:54:32Cheers, everybody.
00:54:34Hey.
00:54:41Anything?
00:54:43A couple of leads.
00:54:46You shooting your new commercial today?
00:54:49No, it's this interview thing.
00:54:52They're going to run it on a morning show.
00:54:55You're in demand.
00:54:56That's right.
00:54:57My celebrity spokesperson.
00:54:58Doing my part to promote Tooth Decay.
00:55:03That's a good gig if you can get it.
00:55:06A lot easier than saving the universe.
00:55:25Let's do it.
00:55:29Retailers across the country are pulling spongies from their shelves as the number of spongy-related deaths continues to increase.
00:55:44The timing of this news couldn't be more tragic as spongy sales are at a 50-year sales peak due to their popular ad campaign featuring super spokesperson Squidman.
00:55:55Turn it off.
00:55:59Shit.
00:56:06So what now?
00:56:10I talked to Artie at the agency.
00:56:13The endorsement deals are off all of them.
00:56:16No surprise there.
00:56:17I guess not.
00:56:21He even thought I should come up with a new superhero name.
00:56:26I think the world's ready for Captain Calligraphy.
00:56:29You can't do that.
00:56:35I ain't gonna.
00:56:40The worst part is all those people choking to death on those things.
00:56:45That's got nothing to do with you.
00:56:46I guess not.
00:56:52But still, it was my face on the billboards.
00:57:02Hey, thanks for helping me get to the bottom of this.
00:57:05Oh, you hated this detective crap.
00:57:06I do.
00:57:07I'm terrible at it.
00:57:09What's up with the notebook?
00:57:11Well, it's for keeping track of my leads.
00:57:18Making my list of suspects.
00:57:21Susie Sweetie Pie?
00:57:22It's their main competitor in the snack cake business.
00:57:25And you think the folks at Susie Sweetie Pie poisoned the batter?
00:57:30No.
00:57:31But it's all I can come up with.
00:57:33Squidman!
00:57:39Can I help you?
00:57:40You can help me.
00:57:44By dying.
00:57:48Good line.
00:57:49Dare you laugh at the manhandler!
00:57:53Stop that!
00:57:56Sorry.
00:57:57Manhandler?
00:57:58Where'd you come up with that?
00:58:00Silence!
00:58:00Do you mind if I ask you a question?
00:58:11What?
00:58:12Why exactly am I supposed to fight you again?
00:58:14Because I am the manhandler!
00:58:16And by my hands, all heroes must fall!
00:58:20I see.
00:58:21So what?
00:58:22You're a villain looking to make your reputation?
00:58:24You could say that!
00:58:25By fighting me?
00:58:26That's right!
00:58:29Stop laughing!
00:58:31I'm sorry.
00:58:32This is just too much.
00:58:33Do you have any idea what a second stringer I am?
00:58:35I heard you were tough!
00:58:37Who told you that?
00:58:38I heard you survived a broken neck!
00:58:40You heard wrong.
00:58:41I didn't survive anything.
00:58:44Listen, pal.
00:58:44You're wasting your time.
00:58:45If you fight me, you're turning yourself into as big a joke as I am.
00:58:48Again!
00:58:49You mock me!
00:58:50I'm trying to do you a favor.
00:58:52Seriously, my powers are stupid.
00:58:54Look at this.
00:58:55This is all I can do.
00:58:56Hey!
00:58:57That's enough!
00:59:12Who dares?
00:59:13Come on, man. You're killing. That's the idea. Well, look, you've already kicked his ass. What else do you have to prove?
00:59:19You're just gonna bring a lot of heat on yourself if you kill him, man. Think about it.
00:59:26You better split.
00:59:33Are you okay?
00:59:43You're gonna be just fine, buddy. Uh, let me get you some pain pills. Uh, get you out of here. Go home and have a party. What do you say?
01:00:01Stay with us, man. Stay with us.
01:00:13I heard they caught the manhandler. Yeah. Locked him up. The cop's a fucking idiot. No argument here.
01:00:41Think I ought to get an overcoat.
01:00:43Oh, yeah? Yeah, it'll go with the cane.
01:00:48You know, mystery.
01:00:50I can see that.
01:00:56You haven't heard from her?
01:00:59Sorry, man. She's not answering her phone.
01:01:05She said she was gonna be here.
01:01:09She seemed fine in the emergency room, didn't she?
01:01:12Yeah. Totally fine.
01:01:14She was a little sad.
01:01:16She was sad because her boyfriend almost got killed.
01:01:22I just thought that she'd want to be here when I got released.
01:01:25I'm sorry, man, but...
01:01:28If you're looking for help understanding women, you've got the wrong guy.
01:01:32I'm sorry.
01:01:32If you're not going to be here then...
01:01:33What are you doing?
01:01:36I'm sorry.
01:01:41I'll see you later.
01:01:47Okay.
01:01:54I think I'll be here.
01:01:56I think I'll be here.
01:01:57Come on.
01:02:27Are you sure it was her handwriting?
01:02:29Yeah, but what the hell?
01:02:31A one-word note.
01:02:34She hates this dramatic stuff.
01:02:35It's not her style at all.
01:02:37Dude, you're gonna hear from her eventually.
01:02:40For some reason, I don't think so.
01:02:43I just wanna go on record.
01:02:44This is total bullshit.
01:02:46I don't know what to say, man.
01:02:49Man, with the way things have been happening lately...
01:02:52Hey, you know what I've realized, man?
01:02:54You just gotta try to live your life
01:02:56moment by moment.
01:02:59Embrace the present,
01:03:00focus on the positive.
01:03:03That's my philosophy.
01:03:04I thought your philosophy was
01:03:05do as little work as possible.
01:03:07This is the new me.
01:03:09I don't know.
01:03:10I thought you were gone
01:03:11when that goon was beating on you.
01:03:14I've made up my mind.
01:03:15From here on out,
01:03:16I wanna get as much out of life as I can.
01:03:19That's great, man.
01:03:20I'm happy for you.
01:03:21I really am.
01:03:22Things are gonna turn around for us, man.
01:03:25You'll see.
01:03:27Something really great
01:03:28is just around the corner.
01:03:29I can feel it.
01:03:34Oh!
01:03:37Oh!
01:03:37I can feel it.
01:03:53You're bleeding.
01:04:24You might not want to sit there.
01:04:28You might be dangerous.
01:04:31I'm pretty sure I'm cursed.
01:04:33Something.
01:04:44Warren's dead.
01:04:46What?
01:04:48A fireball fell from the sky and killed him.
01:04:51No explanation.
01:04:53No idea where it came from.
01:04:57Some story, huh, Pete?
01:05:00You getting all this?
01:05:03I'm sorry.
01:05:05I...
01:05:05I can't believe it.
01:05:10What's wrong?
01:05:11He was my oldest friend.
01:05:17We grew up together.
01:05:19Did I tell you that?
01:05:23He was loyal.
01:05:26Solid.
01:05:26I mean, he was a little nuts, but he was always there for me.
01:05:34I don't know what to say.
01:05:36I've been hearing that a lot lately.
01:05:40Of course, I'm still here, right?
01:05:43I still get to live.
01:05:44What have I got left?
01:05:50Tell me you don't believe in losing streaks now, Pete.
01:05:54This one's so bad, it killed my best friend.
01:05:56I don't know what to...
01:05:57I know.
01:05:59There's not much to say.
01:06:01I'm cursed.
01:06:04There's no such thing as a curse.
01:06:05Call it what you want.
01:06:07I ain't safe to be around.
01:06:08Well, Wayne.
01:06:10According to your theory, good follows bad, and bad follows good.
01:06:14So, you do some good, right?
01:06:16Nice try.
01:06:17But I've never fallen this far this fast before.
01:06:20You're alive.
01:06:22You've been dead.
01:06:24Wasn't that lower?
01:06:25I'm not sure.
01:06:26It was definitely one of my little parts.
01:06:31And that was followed by good luck, I assume.
01:06:34Oh, yeah.
01:06:37After my triumphant return, things were great for a while.
01:06:41Right?
01:06:42Things got better.
01:06:44Yeah, they did.
01:06:45They always throw you a nice party when you come back from the dead.
01:06:50You've welcomed me back into the superhero society,
01:06:53and you felt like I had clean slate.
01:06:54Kind of peaked when I saved the day.
01:07:01I never really saved the day much.
01:07:04Hmm.
01:07:04No?
01:07:05I'd beaten a bad guy or two on occasion,
01:07:08but I never saved the day.
01:07:12Not when the law was riding on it.
01:07:13But there was this one time that I did.
01:07:20Do you have to tell me about it?
01:07:22I'm playing journalist.
01:07:23I'm just trying to distract me.
01:07:24There was this guy named Lord Paradox.
01:07:36He was one of these cosmic supervillains,
01:07:38always messing with the time stream,
01:07:40trying to take over everything.
01:07:42Right.
01:07:43I know.
01:07:43Typical stuff.
01:07:46Anyhow, a bunch of us teleported to a spaceship.
01:07:49Everyone was there.
01:07:50It was a huge crossover event.
01:07:52Is this the best your planet has to offer?
01:08:17All the heavy hitters showed up,
01:08:22and there wasn't a lot that I could do,
01:08:24so I kind of just, you know,
01:08:26tried to stay out of the way.
01:08:30Can't defeat all of us, Paradox.
01:08:32All the heavy hitters, Paradox.
01:09:02Now, I don't know if you've ever teleported, Pete,
01:09:08but, well, for me,
01:09:11it can kind of leave your insides a little scramble.
01:09:15What do you mean?
01:09:17Well, let's just say I had to pee.
01:09:19Badly.
01:09:20So I kind of wandered off during the battle,
01:09:23you know, looking for a place to go.
01:09:26Spaceships have bathrooms.
01:09:27I don't know where they put the damn things.
01:09:29Well, so I guess I must have somehow stumbled onto
01:09:53exactly the right control panel to piss on,
01:09:55because that's when the whole thing started to go up.
01:10:01We teleported out of there just in time.
01:10:04I didn't let on to exactly what I'd done,
01:10:07just that I sabotaged a control panel.
01:10:10I was a hero.
01:10:13Flying high.
01:10:16Fun while it lasted.
01:10:19And that was the last that we heard of Lord Paradox.
01:10:21No.
01:10:23I know it's hilarious, isn't it?
01:10:25I knew you must have blindly stumbled upon
01:10:40my master control unit.
01:10:42Um, where's Pete?
01:10:45There is no Pete.
01:10:47There never was.
01:10:49Then there's no book?
01:10:50No, you weren't.
01:10:51There's no book.
01:10:53I don't fucking believe this.
01:10:56I mean, well, why?
01:10:58What's the point?
01:11:00Revenge.
01:11:01I had to make you feel something of the loss
01:11:04that your interference caused me.
01:11:08I had to take from you
01:11:09everything that you loved.
01:11:12Uh-huh.
01:11:13Pete was just a way of finding out
01:11:15what those things were.
01:11:16Imagine my surprise
01:11:18when I saw how completely
01:11:19you wrecked your life on your own.
01:11:21There was nothing left for me to take.
01:11:24Funny how that works out.
01:11:26So, I resolved to change all that.
01:11:29Everything good
01:11:30that has happened to you
01:11:31in these last few months
01:11:32has been my doing.
01:11:35What?
01:11:36How?
01:11:37Oh, I won't bore you with the details,
01:11:39but your job,
01:11:42your newfound love,
01:11:44Martha?
01:11:44All of it.
01:11:47I place these things in your lap.
01:11:50I don't see how you could have-
01:11:51Your ignorant belief in love
01:11:52wouldn't allow you to see
01:11:53the hands that pull the string
01:11:55that Lord Paradox given
01:11:57and take it away.
01:12:02You mean everything bad that's happened?
01:12:04That was you too.
01:12:06Manipulating circumstances
01:12:07is child's play
01:12:08to a trans-dimensional warlord.
01:12:10I am the author of your pain.
01:12:17The architect of your destruction.
01:12:19Your malicious God!
01:12:21You went through all of this
01:12:22so that you could gloat?
01:12:25Yes.
01:12:26Before killing me.
01:12:28Precisely.
01:12:29But I...
01:12:31Warren!
01:12:33What did Warren ever do to you?
01:12:35He was just another tool
01:12:36to further your suffering.
01:12:39He was my friend.
01:12:42And yours too.
01:12:44Enough talk!
01:12:45Now we finish it.
01:12:47Stand up!
01:12:47Yeah, man.
01:12:48Fuck that.
01:12:49Why don't you just kill me here
01:12:50and be done with it?
01:12:51This is our final showdown.
01:12:54A duel to the death!
01:12:55If it's all the same to you,
01:12:57I'll just sit here
01:12:57and finish my drink.
01:13:00Your beloved Martha
01:13:02is my prisoner.
01:13:05She's okay?
01:13:06If you desire her
01:13:07eventual release,
01:13:09you will give me
01:13:10the satisfaction
01:13:10of facing me like a man.
01:13:14I wish you wouldn't
01:13:15walk out on me.
01:13:16I'm growing impatient.
01:13:18Get up!
01:13:19I agree to this
01:13:20and you let her go, right?
01:13:24Fine.
01:13:25Let's get this on board.
01:13:55Ready?
01:13:56Time for you,
01:13:57I know what to do.
01:13:58Yes.
01:13:58What's it like?
01:13:59Why are you doing it?
01:14:00I don't think it almost
01:14:00should have had to run
01:14:01with soon.
01:14:02Get back soon!
01:14:03Oh, der!
01:14:04Hey!
01:14:04Bye!
01:14:04are you comfortable how long have i been here that question has a complicated answer
01:14:33it depends on how you measure time what is this all about you're a super villain right indeed
01:14:41i call paradox uh-huh this is some kind of a revenge scheme against squid man that's right
01:14:48i don't know what your game is i do not play games what have you done to him do not concern yourself
01:14:55then release me already well how would you
01:15:06spit it out how would you like to be my queen
01:15:12your queen the universe is vast and time is infinite to rule it alone would be unthinkable
01:15:22please be my queen and the treasures of the multiverse will be yours you're kidding
01:15:33i assure you this opera is not made like to be no i don't want to be your queen i don't know why
01:15:39you'd even ask me that you don't even know me but i do pete pete was an invention of mine to gather
01:15:48information to use against squid man where is he i'm not here to talk about him so you developed a
01:15:54crush on me in your disguise and now you want me to be your queen not exactly
01:15:58and what exactly were you trying to accomplish by becoming him andrew was part of my revenge
01:16:28i'm not following you you were taking revenge against me no i
01:16:36i'm very sorry i had to hurt you
01:16:38then why
01:16:41to truly punish squid man i had to take the things he loved the most
01:16:47but when i first encountered him as pete his life was completely empty
01:16:51so i traveled back in time and to oklahoma to set you up he needed a loved one to appear in his life
01:17:03at the moment of my choosing
01:17:05so you're saying we only ever dated so you could toss me to squid man when you were done with me
01:17:12so you'd have something to rob him up
01:17:14but how
01:17:20a thousand subtle ways to alter probabilities the superhero who saved your life as a child
01:17:26captain quasar did you ever wonder why you never heard from him again
01:17:31that was you throughout your life he planted seeds making sure that when the time was right
01:17:37and the super hero came along
01:17:40squid man
01:17:43you would be drawn to him
01:17:47a simple thing when you could freely travel time
01:17:49my whole life
01:17:53you've been there i i was just a pawn
01:17:56no
01:17:58i stand through i fell in love with you
01:18:00this i had a plan
01:18:02please
01:18:03you're pathetic you know
01:18:05all your power and this is how you use it
01:18:07cause me great pain to give you up
01:18:10but my thirst for vengeance drove me
01:18:13you can't understand how it drove me
01:18:16you seriously expect me to sign on as queen of the galaxy
01:18:19after you've manipulated me and everyone i care about
01:18:26no
01:18:28then what do you want
01:18:29i just don't want you to be mad at me
01:18:33please understand
01:18:36my goal was not to hurt you
01:18:39it's difficult when your dreams of power are shattered
01:18:42it's not easy being a trans-dimensional warlord
01:18:46there are a lot of pressures
01:18:48forget it
01:18:49i'm not gonna forgive you you're a total dick
01:18:53now let me go
01:18:55you heard me send me back
01:18:59as you wish
01:19:01you brought this on yourself
01:19:03you need to give some serious thought to how your actions affect other people
01:19:07reconsider your priorities
01:19:10and don't even think about coming up with some new form and trying to re-enter my life
01:19:15i'll know
01:19:29you're not going to let me die this time
01:19:42this again
01:19:52you're not going to let me die this time
01:19:55this was not to leave your death
01:19:58yeah we had this conversation before
01:20:03so uh what did i do wrong this time was i supposed to stop lord paradox
01:20:08we are not concerned with lord paradox
01:20:12lord paradox will be his own undoing
01:20:16your destiny lies
01:20:18will swear
01:20:19so that's it
01:20:20we are sending you back to the world
01:20:24wait
01:20:25wait
01:20:25okay
01:20:27before you do
01:20:29i have one question
01:20:31and you have to
01:20:34now i've died twice
01:20:36and both times fell fire
01:20:38and then i wake up again on your table
01:20:43am i the same person who died with
01:20:46the same soul or whatever
01:20:50or am i an exact duplicate
01:20:52for your child
01:20:54and you can see
01:20:55and you know
01:20:57the demands
01:20:58are
01:21:01here
01:21:01also
01:21:03do
01:21:04have
01:21:06and
01:21:07and
01:22:08Thank you very much.
01:22:14We'll be in touch.
01:22:15Great, thank you.
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