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00:00the bouquet residence the lady of the house speaking you are whom actually i think that
00:11should be whom you are whom the department of refuse service officers oh you mean the rubbish
00:18people yes i am the lady who's been ringing all week with a complaint yes thank you for finally
00:26returning my call my complaint is about your dustbin lorries all right your collection vehicles
00:35they will keep passing down my avenue now i don't mind them coming on tuesday because that's when i
00:42put my dustbin out but i wish you would forbid them to pass down my avenue on other days
00:48it gives the impression that i specialize in superfluous amounts of garbage
00:53oh i know what they're doing they're taking the shortcut and i'd like you to do something about it
01:00well if that's your excuse i wouldn't even put it in a black plastic bag and stuff it in a dustbin
01:06hello hello
01:09oh you feel like doing a little gardening well that's progress better than staying in and moping
01:27about your divorce i'm quite good at gardening good that's splendid there's plenty of it out there
01:31waiting what i wasn't good at was marriage it's hardly your fault she ran off with another man
01:38who wasn't even good at gardening oh go on off you go
01:44what's wrong it's her hyacinth she's out there in her garden you can't stay indoors just because
02:01hyacinth's out there i can i really can oh emmy don't be silly she'll sing at me she always sings at
02:10me she wants you to give her a part in your amateur operatics if you start a conversation with her
02:18she'd have to stop singing then she'll talk to me being talked to by hyacinth is almost as bad as
02:23being sung at
02:28telephone hyacinth
02:31richard don't shout dear
02:37telephone hyacinth
02:42is it my sheridan
02:43no it's your sister violet
02:46oh my sister violet with the luxury bungalow and the swimming pool
02:51oh
02:53richard i have reason to believe that something's pooped in my polyanthus
03:00how am i supposed to interpret that does she want it confirming or removing
03:05i better ask
03:05i'm so glad you rang violet because it saves me making a call to invite yourself and bruce to a
03:24little candlelight supper this evening why can't you come
03:28what do you mean you've nothing to wear violet you've a wardrobe of beautiful clothes
03:37bruce is wearing them
03:40well he can't be wearing all of them
03:43i see he's very possessive about them violet really you must be firmer with him dear
03:48i don't care how disappointed you'll be you must not start calling him brenda
03:57now look take a firm stand it's time you began wearing the trousers
04:01oh you are wearing the trousers it's all you've got left what's wrong
04:11it's bruce again he's wearing all violets clothes oh not that knitted two-piece i can't bear him in that
04:21poor violet i know how she must hate it especially as he's started to look better than she does
04:26what are you thinking about onslow i was wondering if there is a force behind the universe
04:46on balance would you class it as a alien or b friendly i wish you'd stop watching open university
04:53man has this restless urge to understand to understand what well for a start why you keep
05:03your knee in me back all night do i keep me knee in your back well if it's not your knee somebody's
05:09wearing boots in bed you wouldn't notice if i did wear boots in bed you never notice when i got that new
05:17nighty let me give you a tiny word of advice days now you'll not find this in your
05:23romantic novels but if you're gonna wear a see-through nighty don't wear a vest
05:35a person could freeze to death not wearing a vest waiting for you to warm up
05:40we made love only recently it was march was it march good grief doesn't time fly when you're enjoying
05:53yourself
05:57he's coming he's coming if it's the insurance man tell him i'll see him next week it's not the insurance man
06:04it's mr heliwell my mr heliwell he's coming to pick me up here later well i thought that's what
06:09you wanted some attention from mr heliwell i don't want him picking me up here i mean look at the state
06:15of the place you're going to have to tidy up it's your love life you tidy up i've only just grown my nails
06:23it's back let mr heliwell come early and he can tidy up
06:29bob off on slow oh nice
06:37he gots hyacinth good morning emmert just the person i wanted to see
06:59i'd like you and elizabeth to come this evening to my little candlelight supper oh thanks but i i
07:06was planning to i'm looking forward to entertaining you i mean ordinarily i'd be only too happy to just
07:12because you've had a bad divorce you mustn't keep yourself confined to the house i rather like being
07:17alone actually you must get about emmert and meet people and you'll meet only the best people at my
07:23little candlelight suppers i would be there in a minute if it wasn't for the fact that good that's
07:29settled then dress informal lounge suit not tired of course i've got a wonderful feeling everything's
07:39going my way
07:53whatever's the matter she's been singing at me liz i told you she would oh is that all no it is not all
08:02oh we're invited to a candlelight supper tonight well that was inevitable there comes to us all in
08:11this area not only the certainty of death and taxes but periodically one of hyacinth's candlelight
08:18suppers just have to grin and bear it don't grunt when you polish richard
08:34i can hear you breathing dear i don't think it's quite nice to hear people breathing
08:40you'd think by now evolution would have replaced our unfortunate bodily functions with something a
08:44little more tasteful suppose it was perfectly adequate for primitive peoples but really well
08:51we are merely mammals after all richard what a thing to say to somebody with a solid silver
08:59self-cleaning sauce separator now i know that this evening is going to be another huge success
09:09yes i shall use my royal worcester double glazed avenue of course i used it the last time but nobody
09:15noticed this time richard you will wait for a lapse in the conversation and then you will introduce the
09:23topic casually what topic that we're all dining from my royal worcester double glazed avenue i particularly
09:30want emmett to appreciate it well emmett's just recovering from a messy divorce do you really
09:35think he'd be overwhelmed by your royal worcester double glazed avenue he find it a great comfort
09:40to realize that he's in civilized surroundings dear oh that's nice very nice dear just wipe your
09:51finger marks off that will you why me why should i have to go to a candlelight supper i've suffered enough
10:03lately oh emmett i mean it's even worse than a bad dream couple of hours and it's all over a couple
10:11of hours and there'll be other people equally stunned you might meet someone you like well what's the
10:19use of she's going to be singing at me well stick with richard richard's nice how does he live with her
10:25i've often wondered about that i expect he's used to it i think that's awful that any poor devil should be used
10:34oh there you are i think your little doggy dropped something here yesterday from his collar he still
10:51has his disc not his collar no i'm sure it's yours and i'd like to return it to you that's very kind of
10:58you i can't imagine what come along i'll show you oh
11:22thank you
11:28well are we going to tidy up ask onslow he's master of the house
11:57onslow mr heliwell's coming don't you think we ought to tidy up
12:03given the transience of life biology's awesome potential for instability
12:09and the possible meaninglessness of the entire universe don't you think it's worth a bother
12:14come along in elizabeth thank you hyacinth wipe your feet dear
12:29you really shouldn't have bothered to invite me for coffee how i sent when you say busy oh i have
12:38everything under control dear a well-regulated household ought to be able to find time to make a cup of coffee for a
12:46neighbor however glittering the occasion do sit down elizabeth no not there dear i like to face the window
12:54perhaps emmich would like to pop in for a coffee oh no thank you hyacinth i think he's busy oh well that's nice
13:04keep his mind off his divorce keep his mind off his divorce he mustn't feel that he's alone
13:10i don't think he does hyacinth not since he met you
13:14how very kind
13:16now
13:18will you have my better china elizabeth if you promise to be careful
13:22or a beaker
13:32beaker hyacinth definitely a beaker
13:35i think perhaps that's wise don't you
13:40who else is coming this evening anyone i know your sister violet perhaps
13:45the one with the swimming pool uh well no actually oh sorry to hear that well it can't be helped you
13:56know bruce isn't at all well nothing serious i hope well i think he could just do with a change
14:03that's probably the telephone richard will take it
14:17it might be sheridan he loves to ring me and tell me about his new friends milk
14:25no thank you he's made some very very nice new friends sugar
14:29no thank you nice friends are so important aren't they biscuits
14:40and i don't mean the hearty sporting crowd either all sheridan's friends are very artistic
14:47hello liz telephone hyacinth your sister violet again oh violet yes the one with the swimming pool
14:54and rook for a polly perhaps bruce is coming after all he is not
15:02what is it now violet no i haven't a girdle that might fit bruce
15:10no i don't think it's a tortoise
15:16now look i resent the idea that i'm the only one you know who has a girdle
15:21i will not pass my discontinued girdles on to bruce well if he's suddenly ashamed of his tummy
15:29why doesn't he lose weight oh why do you pamper him violet i mean apart from the money and the mercedes
15:37i don't think the universe is meaningless i must say i was inclined towards that theory when i saw
15:58you're wearing that see-through nightie over a vest
16:03but what about love not right nowadays i'm busy
16:10don't you think it's important don't you think it gives life a sort of meaning
16:17i assume you're not just talking about sex i'm not i'm not talking about sex i'm talking about
16:24companionship affection for both of which it's okay to wear a vest
16:33mind you sex would be nice
16:38they're off
16:38well if you won't do it somebody's got to
16:58oh i don't know though
17:00i told mr heliwell to pick me up at our hyacinths
17:03you can't just go swanning round to our hyacinths we're sisters aren't we she won't like it
17:08i thought you were seeing boris tonight oh boris can wait
17:13that's what i'll do i'll get picked up at our hyacinths
17:18now no peeping not until i tell you don't mind the furniture dear
17:22oh the table yes how does it look oh it looks very nice hyacinths
17:35very nice is that it i mean is that the extent of your enthusiasm
17:40well it looks quite exceptionally nice richard i spend hours on the aesthetics of my table i want
17:48people to walk through this door and stagger back in admiration well i had a little stagger
17:54hyacinths you may not have noticed it was there
17:57richard i try to use you to gauge other people's response as they walk through that door
18:03and if they don't do better than you then i've wasted the afternoon
18:07it's times like these i miss sheridan i'll come in again
18:12i've got a reputation to maintain you see dear i mean i'm known far and wide for the tasteful
18:18accessories of my table i wasn't looking properly last time but this time i know exactly what you want
18:24do you all right do your best dear
18:31uh-ho
18:36oh never mind i'll get elizabeth she knows how to appreciate a table and just be careful of my paint
18:43work dear yes yes of course i'll come round hyacinths yes you want to check my reaction
18:52like we did last time yeah and the time before and the one before that no no no i it's very kind
18:59of you to value my opinion what was that about i've got to pop round and look at hyacinths table
19:06why do you have to go and look at hyacinths table well she wants to check my reaction
19:11she's been working all day on her table why didn't you go and tell her to
19:14emmets it's easier this way emmets how does this look oh hyacinths
19:25oh dear damn
19:37just pop round she's in the dining room waiting i'll do my best
19:42liz might i suggest a little stagger stagger backwards a little stagger backwards
19:49no boris i'm not going out with
20:12you this evening no boris you needn't bother coming round either i shan't be here
20:20there was a time when we used to sit on this tea together and you used to nibble my ear
20:27now all you ever nibble is crisps no boris
20:36weren't too many flavors in those days
20:38if you must know boris i'm going out with a mr heliwell
20:46and i don't care for language like that when i'm wearing my best earrings
20:52be honest some of the fire's definitely gone out of our relationship
20:58not only in personal days but just women get older quicker
21:08i know it's not fair but the fact remains that us men stay attractive longer
21:15because he treats me like a lady i've never known him take a liberty without removing his hat
21:22no boris it's no good you coming round here i shan't be here
21:32i do hope that's not another cancellation you think people didn't want to come to my candlelight
21:38suckers hey yes i'll accept the charge
21:43sheridan you remembered how sweet of you to ring and wish mummy every success for her social
21:54entertaining what does he want i don't know that he wants anything dear he's just ringing his mummy to
22:03wish her all the best but you need to check for how much dear
22:0770 pounds now you're not spending it on girls are you dear you promise mummy we agreed not until
22:18after you'd finished your education oh you and tarquin aren't interested in girls
22:27what a comfort that is to a mother's heart dear
22:32oh yes of course dear you run along and help tarquin with finish the ironing
22:38and daddy'll pop the check into the post
22:43must we go now liz couldn't we delay it a bit she said to come early it's not a royal command
22:49you want a bit i find the easiest way is to go along with things and get them over quickly come on
22:56she'll sing at me she'll be entertaining how can she sing at you she'll find a way i know she will
23:03she'll sing at me i want emmett to have a little taste of my musical talents you will bring them in here
23:14where i shall be discovered at the piano 40. now i'm relying on you richard to listen for the bell
23:20i listen hyacinth with every nerve a quiver good and don't forget the ice oh the ice the ice
23:33there's the bell
23:46for tonight
23:52let me dream of my dream of delight
23:59is
24:09what is it richard
24:10someone at the door dear
24:11we'll show them in well it's your sister rose
24:18hello hyacinth rose dear how nice to see you richard the ice dear
24:24i'm not stopping i'm just being picked up here by mr heliwell
24:28richard our guests have arrived
24:37are you expecting company oh it's just elizabeth from next door and her brother emmett oh i didn't
24:47know she had a brother yes he's recovering from rather bad divorce oh divorced is he
24:54hello myself oh i um oh i can see he's suffered some women can be
25:02bitches
25:05richard yes have you crushed the ice dear
25:07uh well not not really well hurry up dear we'll need it for our frappy mint julep
25:23richard answer that will you
25:29are you elliwell what's it to you rose is my bird that's a matter of opinion
25:37rose belongs to me
25:42it's for rose
25:43rose come out here get rid of them richard well i'm not going out there you see the size of it
25:50oh it's just muscle they must leave at once don't worry i'll get rid of them i've gone off both of
25:55them anyway i'm going to stay here and have a bit of supper with emmy from next door mr hawksworth
26:01is recovering from a painful divorce rose who needs all the help he can get then doesn't he
26:06excuse me richard come on come on tell him rose tell him what you're with me is everything all
26:13right hyacinth oh yes everything's fine yes freshen how much drink will you richard
26:21i haven't had one yet what did he say he said he hasn't had one yet oh that's good yes elizabeth
26:29how's your daughter doing
26:32quite well thank you
26:34who did you hear that i expect everybody had everybody had well don't shout dear i'm so glad that she is
26:42doing it ain't that you
26:47it'll be so nice for sheridan to have somebody intelligent to talk to when he comes home
26:56you know i don't believe i feel a song coming on
26:58the song emma you'll understand won't you dear that when the mood dictates what would one do but just
27:07answer the heart and sing sing sing sing
27:21i think i will have that drink now richard
27:25so
27:38i
27:38i
27:39i
27:40i
27:42i
27:44i
27:46i
27:48i
27:50i
27:52i
27:54You