- yesterday
Follows Ricky Gervais as he gives his take on the rules of comedy, spoiling his cat and debunks the supernatural, concluding that actual nature is super enough.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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FunTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:11Good evening ladies and gentlemen, please
00:00:15Welcome to the stage a man who really doesn't need to do this
00:00:21Ricky Gervais
00:00:30I
00:00:40Thank you
00:00:42Thank you very much. Shush. No
00:00:45Shush
00:00:46Thank you, but shut the fuck up. No
00:00:49Fucking whooping or just laugh. Thank no, but thank you. That's just everyone calm down. Shush
00:00:55Shush, I'm filming this shut up you cunts
00:01:00Oh
00:01:02Thank you very much
00:01:05Welcome to my show. It's not a show. There's no dancers or jugglers. It's basically a bloke talking
00:01:11Which is essentially what stand-up comedy is isn't it a bloke talking sexist?
00:01:21What about all the funny female comedians like
00:01:30I'm not doing that okay, right that was irony okay, there's gonna be a bit of that throughout the show see if you can spy
00:01:36Okay, now that's when I say something
00:01:39I don't really mean for comic effect and you as an audience you laugh at the wrong thing because you know what the right thing is
00:01:45It's a way of satirizing
00:01:47Attitudes like that first joke. I use the old-fashioned sexist trope that women aren't funny now in real life
00:01:53I know there are loads of funny women like come
00:01:58I did it again. Well spotted good
00:02:01No, but there are
00:02:03Dame Edna Everidge
00:02:11Eddie Izzard
00:02:13She's brilliant actually
00:02:18She's not only a great comedian. She's she's also a great actress and she she was brilliant in that thing as that man
00:02:30It's good to be back I
00:02:33Fell back in love with stand-up on my last tour humanity. I played arenas around the world
00:02:38Netflix bought it for a record amount. It was the most watched special of the year
00:02:42I thought everyone loves me now everyone loves me now then I've got this tweet
00:02:48Real tweet
00:02:50Call yourself a comedian he knows I do
00:02:56Literally says the word in my Twitter bio
00:03:01Call yourself a comedian you're about as funny as now. I thought he was gonna go for the jugular and say Miranda
00:03:08Oh
00:03:16I'm joking right call yourself a comedian. You're about as funny as a fart at a baby's funeral
00:03:27He was trying to hurt my feelings but his big mistake was choosing someone that would be fucking hilarious
00:03:33Hilarious
00:03:35As if that would a far a baby's funeral
00:03:39being echoey church
00:03:41Everyone just silently sobbing like that
00:03:44Tiny little coffin tiny
00:03:47And someone farts
00:03:50You laugh
00:03:52Even if it was your baby, you know
00:03:54No
00:03:56If you're at the funeral it's been dead a week. Do you know what I mean?
00:04:01You're probably up for a giggle um
00:04:04Particularly if you're the father if you're the mother you probably still find out seeing the funny side of things
00:04:10Women
00:04:12No women, I mean the old-fashioned ones, you know the old-fashioned women. Oh, you know the ones with wombs
00:04:18Oh
00:04:22Those fucking dinosaurs
00:04:26No, I love the new women. I know the new women. They're great. You know the new ones we've been seeing lately the one the ones with beards and cocks
00:04:33They're as good as
00:04:35They're as good as gold. I love them
00:04:38No, it's the old-fashioned with it and now the old-fashioned. Oh, they want to use our toilets
00:04:43Why shouldn't they use your toilets for ladies? They are ladies. Look at their pronouns
00:04:51What about this person isn't a lady well his penis
00:04:57Her penis you fucking bigot
00:04:59What if he rapes me what if she rapes you you fucking turf whore
00:05:13Oh
00:05:23But that tweet sums comedy up doesn't it how subjective it is how one person some people can find them hilarious some people find the least funny person in the world
00:05:31And when someone says to me about another comedian they say oh, they're not funny
00:05:35Even if I agree with them. I stand up. I say you can't say that you've got to say you don't find them funny
00:05:40You know, and I hate it when people say that joke was offensive
00:05:43I guys it no you've got to say you found it offensive because it's all about feelings and feelings are personal and
00:05:49There's loads of types of comedy and comedy evolves. You know, there's a new type of comedy at the moment called woke comedy
00:05:56Right now it's very progressive. You know, there are some clubs now where the comedian has to sign a thing saying he won't say anything
00:06:03Contentious or he won't say anything that that could offend anyone. It's a safe space for the audience woke comedy and uh
00:06:09I tried to watch a bit of it and I decided I'd rather watch Louis CK masturbate
00:06:19Can't mention him anymore he's cancelled
00:06:22Not enough to apologize and move on you've got a like poor Kevin Hart see Kevin Hart
00:06:27He got the job hosting the Oscars. It was his best day ever. He was on Twitter. Oh, I've wanted to do this all my life
00:06:31Right, and then someone found these ten-year-old tweets, right?
00:06:34They were sort of childish sort of shitty homophobic tweets. It was about his son
00:06:40He was mucking around. He said oh my son's doing so-and-so. I hope he's not gay
00:06:43There was a massive backlash. He went oh, sorry that sound I'm not homophobic really sorry
00:06:47He deleted them right and said I'm really sorry
00:06:50Ten years later someone finds a screen grab and goes look he's done this or big the officers go. Oh, you've got to apologize again
00:06:56But no, I've apologized
00:06:58I can't keep apologizing and he's right if there's no value to saying sorry and evolving you might as well just tweet him again
00:07:07That's how I deal with shit anyway
00:07:09But if you're the type of person to revel in someone getting cancelled for something they said ten years ago
00:07:16You're just ensuring that one day you'll be cancelled for something you said today. You can't predict
00:07:23What will be offensive in the future? You don't know who the dominant mob will be
00:07:27You know like the worst thing you can say today get you cancelled on Twitter death threats. The worst thing you can say today is
00:07:34Women don't have penises, right?
00:07:36Right now
00:07:38No one saw that coming
00:07:43There are no ten-year-old tweets of people say there you won't find a ten-year-old tweet of someone saying women don't have penises
00:07:50Do you know why we didn't think we fucking had to?
00:07:57Liam Neeson, oh
00:07:59He nearly got cancelled didn't he
00:08:03Liam Neeson now
00:08:05I don't know why he told this story
00:08:08But he did a press junket to a journalist right and it was really just started saying that it was 30 years ago
00:08:16He said and now my friend came home and done. She'd been raped
00:08:20Right and that's not the funny bit
00:08:31He said she'd been raped. I said what did the guy look like?
00:08:34He said he was a black guy. He said so I got my kosh and I went up looking for the first black guy
00:08:40He said nothing happened. I came to my senses, right?
00:08:42But the weird thing about that story is who has a kosh?
00:08:45It was a kosh
00:08:48But it was touch and go they cancelled the premiere that night because the backlash and that people wanted the film to be deleted and I get it
00:08:55Some people can't separate the art form with the artist's personal life now. I know Liam I've worked with him
00:09:01He's a lovely man. He's definitely not racist
00:09:03But when that broke even I was like, oh, will I ever be able to find Schindler's List funny again?
00:09:08I
00:09:14I do still find it funny obviously
00:09:20But now there's so much outrage and we hear about it and it's taken seriously, you know
00:09:25There's a Oxbridge comedians writing for the posh papers to do the rules of comedy. They're laying it down laying down the law
00:09:31Right and some stuff like um comedy should punch up. You should never punch down. You should never punch down
00:09:36Sometimes you've got a punch down like if you're beating up a disabled toddler
00:09:44If you punch up your mr. Little cunt and they win, you know
00:09:49I like that joke because it highlights the difference between metaphorical punching down in jokes and actual
00:09:56Punching down but people nowadays want you to believe that words are actual violence right now
00:10:01You laughed at a joke about beating up a disabled toddler
00:10:04No one got hurt if I'd have actually dragged out a disabled toddler and started beating him up. You would laugh
00:10:12That's why I dropped that bit
00:10:18But these people are virtue signaling
00:10:20They're trying to bring people down to raise their own status and they say it's because no we're protecting minorities like
00:10:26They're basically saying minorities haven't got a sense of humor which is so patronizing and I get that as well
00:10:32It's what it's like to be outnumbered in this country. We're still only five percent black five percent asian
00:10:38Five percent lgbtq, you know tiny numbers now. I'm a white heterosexual multi-millionaire
00:10:44Right
00:10:54There's less than one percent of us
00:11:02Do I whine no
00:11:04I don't mind. I just get on with it. Come on Rick. Come on Rick
00:11:09Just keep fun. I'm like Rosa parks. Do you know what I mean? I'm like
00:11:14Except I fought for the right to never have to take a seat on a bus
00:11:17Just people complain about things they don't have to watch it doesn't affect them, you know, and uh
00:11:30Again, everyone's got the right to be offended and complained
00:11:33But they've got to know that we're not trying to offend. That's not our aim
00:11:37You know, we're we're trying to make you laugh. We're trying to give you a good time and yeah, that is the deal right
00:11:42So I riff if I say summer tonight, that's so offensive so off that you've never heard anything
00:11:47So fucking off the charts in your life, right?
00:11:50Don't make a scene go to the box office after the show
00:11:53They can't give you money back straight away
00:11:54But there's a form you fill out with the complaint and I take those away and I shit on them
00:12:02So that's the rules of comedy
00:12:04Super nature why super nature? Well for two reasons one I
00:12:16Want to debunk the supernatural? I don't believe in anything supernatural
00:12:19I believe that anything that exists is by definition part of nature and is explainable if not now then eventually
00:12:26Also super nature because nature is super enough, you know, it's it's amazing that we're even here discussing it
00:12:32We're the only species that allows the universe to understand itself, right the chance of us being here at all
00:12:38The chance of you being you existing now the chance of that sperm hitting that egg is 400 trillion to one
00:12:45And I think life is like a holiday. We don't exist for 13 and a half billion years
00:12:49Then we have these 18 90 years if we're lucky then we die never to exist again
00:12:54And some people are even offended by that they go you can't say that you
00:12:58It's can't be chance. It's too good. Someone must have made it all and you know, I'm too special
00:13:03I can't just not exist. I'll I'll live again. I'll I'll go to heaven
00:13:08I'll be with my friends and family or I'll come back as a spirit and I'll walk amongst you or I'll be reincarnated
00:13:14I'll come back as someone else
00:13:16That'd just be someone else
00:13:19That's all that's happened you're not involved that is just
00:13:22Just someone else, right
00:13:28Many people believe in reincarnation, of course some people even claim they remember who they were in a previous life
00:13:33There's a society in America, of course
00:13:38In California, of course, right
00:13:41And they remember who they were in a previous life and they're always someone pretty special in their previous life
00:13:47Not so much in the life they've got now
00:13:50But I saw a documentary about it and every year they have a come-as-you-were party where they go dressed as the person they were in history
00:14:00Two napoleons
00:14:02So at least one of them is fucking lying
00:14:10No reincarnation no ghosts have you seen all the ghost hunter shows oh my god hundreds of ghost hunter shows years and years celebrity ghost hunter
00:14:19all around the world
00:14:21Thousands and thousands of hours of footage that they've never seen a fucking ghost not what it's all like. Oh, what was that?
00:14:28Was it that I was just a
00:14:32What did you mean that was it just that was it you oh
00:14:35Imagine if wildlife programs are like that
00:14:38Imagine watching david at amber all these years and then it goes here
00:14:43on kilimanjaro we see the others
00:14:51And by the banks of a limpo po the elusive
00:14:53Oh
00:14:57You'd stop watching the cunt
00:15:00I've never seen a ghost the pedo hunter shows on the other hand
00:15:07There's usually a couple in the crew just in case
00:15:11Particularly if it's a bbc production
00:15:14Oh, shut up
00:15:20There's no reincarnation no ghost no heaven i believe people can't get over that people quiz me on twitter when they find out i'm an atheist
00:15:26They go what you don't believe in god at all i go no
00:15:30Do you pray i go no
00:15:32Why don't you pray just in case there's a god and i say why do you put garlic over your door just in case there's a dracula right
00:15:41And i've got no problem with praying you know i know loads of nice christians and muslims and jews and if one of my family is very
00:15:47Ill they always say oh i'll pray for them and i always say oh thanks very much because it's a nice gesture if they said oh
00:15:52We also cancelled the chemotherapy i go don't do that don't do that
00:15:57Pray we feel your boots son but let's
00:16:00Let's do the praying and the chemotherapy shall we because that's the same result as just the chemotherapy so let's
00:16:08Let's definitely keep that one shall we
00:16:12I got in trouble talking about praying on twitter once you remember a few years ago that terrible disaster in oklahoma the the hurricane people
00:16:19Lost their lives and their livelihood and i donated to the red cross and i tweeted about it with a link
00:16:24Saying you can donate here too trying to help them with their drive and one of those sort of frivolous entertainment
00:16:29Magazines from america their account tweeted this thing it really annoyed me they tweeted
00:16:33Beyonce and rihanna send prayers to oklahoma and i tweeted back going oh i feel like a cunt only sent money
00:16:49Someone tweeted me once would you come to the bedside of a dying child and tell them there's no heaven
00:16:55I tweeted back is it a paid gig
00:17:05I don't care whether you believe or not what you believe in who you pray to doesn't affect me
00:17:11I just think that nature is super enough you know i don't think we need angels and unicorns
00:17:16We've got the fucking octopus that actually exists eight legs nine brains three hearts and a beak make your fucking mind up what are you doing
00:17:25The duck-billed platypus a monotreme when scientists first found that they thought it was a hoax because it produces eggs and milk
00:17:32It could make its own custard it doesn't but it it could
00:17:38It could it definitely
00:17:43But even though we know the chances of us existing at all are astronomical and our life is so short
00:17:48We waste so much of it worrying about stuff worrying about things that might never happen
00:17:52Worry about things that won't matter in a week let alone a year or 10 years i'm terrible i worry i'm a worrier
00:17:58I lay awake at night thinking oh what if what if what and all that and i hate being stressed
00:18:02So i try and rule stress out of my life
00:18:04Which is really stressful because i have to have a plan a and a plan b a plan c if so and if i do all my work
00:18:10I'm at home i go right militant no work just relax right just a glass of wine just relax right
00:18:15If someone comes through the door i'm like what the fuck's that right
00:18:19It's usually money um
00:18:21Right
00:18:25And jane my girlfriend she's like can't let's have a look shall we come she tries to calm me
00:18:30I've been with jane now nearly 40 years right and we've uh thank you um
00:18:36And we've we've always had cats because jane read early days that a cat will make you live longer
00:18:40De-stress you stops you having a heart attack and stroke if you're wound up she's she was basically trying to save my life to get
00:18:45So we got we got cats we've always had cats right i think it works like if i'm really stressed i go where's the cat right
00:18:53First thing wake up wake up
00:18:56What so no and i stroke the cat and i'm thinking oh i'm stressed oh she's so unstressed right and i think oh that's unfair
00:19:03And that stresses me out a little bit though because i've got the weight of the world on my shoulder
00:19:06She's got nothing no conscience no guilt you'll never see a cat feeling guilty you will never go into a room and see a cat like that
00:19:16You go what's the matter what's the matter yeah all the fucking shit in there that's what's the matter mate
00:19:24Like what like like that bloody mouse i killed
00:19:30Probably had a family didn't it
00:19:34I didn't have to torture it first
00:19:37They don't give a fuck
00:19:39If a cat was big enough it would kill you and eat you right they're the opposite to dogs right yeah
00:19:45This sums up the difference between cats and dogs once and for all right the cat has got a barbed penis
00:19:51True google it careful right but
00:19:55A barbed penis right two reasons one it holds the female in place during mating so it slides in easy and it goes oh run oh you can't
00:20:03And two when it withdraws that pain causes the female to ovulate think of a different way mate
00:20:15That makes it maybe there is a god because i mean maybe maybe he did cats and dogs because they're weird like he went boom there you go
00:20:22Cats and dogs your ballpark furry mammals you live at home it's a good gig you get fed
00:20:28What sort of penis were you
00:20:30Hoping for dog doesn't matter whatever you get it'd be the best penis ever whatever you
00:20:35Just some of the matches my onesie just a little uh
00:20:40Look maybe a little furry mouth something lady dogs would like a little furry mound with a little pink lipstick in it
00:20:45A little furry lipstick good choice
00:20:54Cat give me a fuckstalk with hooks
00:21:05The cat is the only animal that domesticated itself true
00:21:10Just wandered into civilization about 10 000 years ago and went meow feed me right and they made the meow up for us
00:21:16They don't do that in the feral state they go meow they learned that we are and it works my cat
00:21:22I let my cat do anything it wants it sleep when it wants they go where it wants if we get a
00:21:26parcel
00:21:28In the post if i undo it right and if she gets in the box oh i can't throw it away
00:21:33We've got about 17 all over the
00:21:35Uh uh mansion
00:21:42And if we're watching telly me and jane if if it gets in our lap we think oh that's such a privilege
00:21:46We don't move even if we need a wee we don't want to disturb it the other one gets the drinks all night
00:21:50You know oh like and people say to me
00:21:52You spoil that cat i go yeah i do it's a cat
00:21:56It's not a person what's the worst that can happen if you if you spoil a cat do you know what i mean it doesn't grow up to be
00:22:01Fucking boris johnson it is
00:22:05No i don't i don't get political um
00:22:09Although he is out of his depth
00:22:12I mean he started off by saying women in burkas look like post boxes now
00:22:19It's not up to boris johnson what a muslim woman wears on her face it's up to her husband
00:22:23Um
00:22:30Not my rules not my rules
00:22:34This won't be in the special um
00:22:36Um
00:22:44Edit yeah cats in a
00:22:48No i i do love cats um
00:23:00I really love dogs we haven't got a dog because we travel too much usually but wherever we are in the world whether in
00:23:05New york or london we go for a walk every day just to meet dogs in central park or
00:23:10Hampstead heath i know about 200 dogs by name now and you always meet a few of your little friends and it sets me up for the day
00:23:17It's like my fucking heroine right and um if you meet a brand new dog you go hello he's never met you before right and if you're nice to it
00:23:24It's just me it's suddenly your best it'd do anything for it but do you need a kidney they are amazing
00:23:29That makes me laugh that sign people still put on the house beware of the dog that makes me want to go in the house to meet it so
00:23:36If you want to keep me out of your house put up a sign that says i don't know beware of the aids you know
00:23:45Although that's not as good as it was is it aids no seriously it's like all diseases let you down
00:23:51But that was i mean in its heyday it was fucking amazing wasn't it aids
00:23:56Coronavirus fuck off i couldn't
00:23:59Couldn't hold a candle to aids
00:24:02Like in the 80s two blokes talk and it would be oh we suck my cock fuck off you've got aids i'd die
00:24:08Now it's like i'll give it here i'll take pills for the rest of my life you know i mean there's no
00:24:16But the bigots jumped on it in the 80s uh you know the the christian right or all fundamentalists
00:24:21Actually like going this is god's wrath this is god's punishment for homosexuality
00:24:26Imagine thinking that what are you imagining in your head right to think that's true
00:24:31So you think god's in heaven do you and he's he's looking down on civilization and he suddenly goes i'm sick of all this bumming
00:24:40I mean what the oh oh come on lads what's got what
00:24:44Oh look at i've warned them it's in the bible uh no bumming not in those words
00:24:50Leviticus 28 11 any man who life or another man as he doth a woman they are both an abomination and shall surely be put to death
00:24:57Basically no bumming right
00:25:00So he went right they're taking the piss i've got to do something oh how can i punish i know aids
00:25:06You know like he did with light just like oh what it's dark what can i do light right let there be light
00:25:11Same with this right let there be aids right and there was aids right not on earth but up in his laboratory right so
00:25:19He'd he'd made the aids like that all there right and he'd go oh horrible little things right and he'd go right there you are
00:25:26You couldn't see them but you could see them there like that right
00:25:29And he went right your aids they went where what he went your aids they went what's that
00:25:36It's like the worst disease ever and they went ah brilliant
00:25:38And he went netflix already bought this fuck them right
00:25:46Your aids well right what do we do right i want you to kill homosexuals why
00:25:55Because i don't like watching them
00:25:58Don't watch them then i've got i've got no choice i'm i'm omnipresent so
00:26:03i'm watching 50 million people bumming right now
00:26:06All right so you know right okay what are we doing right i'm gonna put you down on earth where
00:26:14Africa
00:26:21Why africa they're dying anyway
00:26:26That's not me saying that is it that's god that's god saying that
00:26:30We're we're in africa oh just in an ass right i'm gonna put you in
00:26:42I'm gonna what in all the shit yes yes i'm gonna put you in an ass right that is where you're gonna
00:26:48Do a lot of your best work through the 1980s
00:26:50All right so i'm gonna cram you in an ass right right then what right if a cop comes in that shouldn't
00:26:59Be there right get in the cock as well what all of us know
00:27:05Some of you get in the cop some of you stay in the ass
00:27:08All right so some of us get in the car some of us stay in the ass yeah then what kill them both
00:27:27So kill all homosexuals exactly what even lesbians no not lesbians
00:27:33Why because i like watching them
00:27:50But all diseases let you down eventually not just aids um
00:27:53After aids it was sars wasn't it remember sars oh i'm gonna wipe out humanity didn't then uh
00:28:00Ebola the flesh-eating disease well oh ebola's come to london some nurse got hot for the weekend and that was it
00:28:07Then zika virus you know the baby's born with like half a head i was going oh zika don't worry about it
00:28:13Oh i'm pregnant starting it in a hat
00:28:19Talking of abortion um
00:28:23Now i don't want to divide the room um but i'm pro-choice i don't think it's anything
00:28:28To do with me or any other man what a woman does with her body right but on the
00:28:33Thank you on the on the flip side of that there are people who are anti-abortion
00:28:35I don't just mean people who wouldn't have it for themselves that's choice
00:28:38I mean i don't want anyone to have it and of those there's a small percentage that are really militant
00:28:42And of those there are small percentages that are fucking there's there's ones in america that are like terrorists
00:28:46They bomb abortion clinics and put fetuses through your door and they've got this propaganda machine
00:28:51the same thing as liberals uh they're aborting babies at nine months pulling them out of the vagina and
00:28:56Liquidizing them like crazy conspiracy theory right and now they've got the internet so they've got like fonts and memes
00:29:03It's like science to them right and this thing goes round right you've probably seen it but uh
00:29:07It goes i've heard different derivations of it like this was a real lecture or this was a real questionnaire right
00:29:14Nonsense it's all made up right it goes like this it goes um
00:29:16A woman is pregnant she already has five children to a deaf to a blind one is mentally retarded
00:29:24She has syphilis should she have the baby no question mark well done you just killed beethoven
00:29:32That makes no fucking sense
00:29:35At all okay keep it fair let's do the opposing so okay there's another woman
00:29:41She's pregnant two children great hearing great eyesight really smart she hasn't got syphilis
00:29:46Should she have the baby yes question mark well done you just gave birth to hitler
00:29:53Now i don't want to divide the room but i'm not a fan of hitler um
00:29:58Hear me out i've got my reasons right listen listen listen
00:30:03And it's sci-fi right whenever you see a sci-fi series there's always one where they invent the time machine
00:30:08And they go back and try and kill hitler and if they're successful they come back to the present
00:30:12And it's worse because they've mucked up the time space continuum of course it is
00:30:16You change anything the slightest thing in history it has a catastrophic effect
00:30:20I wouldn't change anything even if i could my life's too good i can't take that chance do you know what i mean
00:30:28If scientists came to me went rick we've sorted it you'd have to go back in a time machine just press this button
00:30:32Right it kills hitler before the holocaust before the war right um the present is exactly the same
00:30:38Except it makes you a bit more ginger i go no
00:30:44Why should i suffer
00:30:48But when you see one of those fluff pieces whenever they ask that question one of those silly questionnaires that
00:30:53Celebrities do it's always um what's the first thing you do you have the time machine they all say
00:30:57Oh i go back and kill hitler really you'd go back and buy microsoft shares you fucking liar right
00:31:02I've interviewed people on my radio show in america right and i always ask that question for a laugh
00:31:08And they all say oh i go back and kill hitler okay you know people tried at the time and now they say
00:31:14Oh no i'd go back and kill him when he's a little baby so you'd go back and find baby hitler right
00:31:21Who hasn't done anything wrong yet and just strangle him would you
00:31:26Also have you seen hitler when he was a baby oh my god absolutely adorable
00:31:32Look at that look at his little face
00:31:37You'd go back and kill him and you go stay in the head oh you know oh could you little nazi you
00:31:45I know what you're thinking why have i got a picture of
00:31:50Baby hitler on my phone that's that's my business um
00:31:55What if i do masturbate over it what what if that's the only thing i masturbate over there's no
00:32:01No victim no crime you could call the police right now have them come around to my house and they go
00:32:06Oh we heard you admitted you're a nonce i'll go yeah but only for pictures of dead baby hitler right
00:32:12I'll go check the rule book and they go yeah good as gold
00:32:17I'll go do you want to see where i masturbate oh yeah go on right
00:32:21So i take them down to the wanktorium right
00:32:24It's basically a converted wine cellar right
00:32:27But it's that picture blown up a hundred times right just around the walls
00:32:32Dripping with 40 years of come
00:32:36I've only lived there five years so i don't know
00:32:40That won't be in um
00:32:41Um
00:32:44No but uh people do have a problem with hitler um
00:32:50And they want to go back and kill him and i say chill i say
00:32:53hitler is the man who killed hitler
00:32:56And he give him his due
00:32:59due d u
00:33:01I don't worry about dying um or rather i don't worry about being dead because i won't know about it
00:33:09That is the best thing about being dead you don't know about it it's the same as being stupid right
00:33:15It's only painful for others right
00:33:17I worry about how i die i don't want to die
00:33:20Alone in agony or i don't want to be found in a wardrobe hanging by a belt wearing ladies tights
00:33:27Covered in our more nitrate you know i mean i'm not into that shit so if i am found like that just know that one of
00:33:33My mates has stitched me up
00:33:38No i don't worry about dying
00:33:40I don't do anything towards not dying if you know what i mean
00:33:43I eat and drink too much every day i've done for 40 years
00:33:46Day and night i eat and drink too much people say to me rick
00:33:49If you gave up the booze you'd live an extra 10 years and i go yeah but they're the last 10 years
00:33:54Oh they're the shit 10 years i don't want them right if i gave up booze now and i made this to 80
00:33:59And someone said right you can have a extra 10 years if i could go oh great i'll have 20 to 30
00:34:04Okay that'd be perfect but no you've got to have 80 to 90
00:34:09Have you any idea how awful it is being 90 right i've seen 90 year olds sitting in an armchair
00:34:15And they suddenly go uh and you go what you go i've broken every bone in me body right
00:34:20Because they're brittle they've got like dust for blood they bruise up blood clots they got hernias popping out
00:34:26Everywhere right if you're 90 years old and you get to the kitchen by yourself to make a cup of tea
00:34:33If you lift that kettle when it's too full there's a very good chance your stomach will come out of your arsehole
00:34:37All right so eat and drink as much as you want and just fucking die is my advice right
00:34:53I should say i'm not a doctor
00:34:57I do see a doctor once a year once every two years i have to have medicals for things like this and tv shows
00:35:03And uh i go private right it's 600 quid it's three hours long but they do everything uh blood sample stool
00:35:10Sample urine sample ecg ear nose throat bollocks the finger everything right
00:35:18And uh you have to fill out this big form right lifestyle thing that takes fucking ages right
00:35:23And you know i tell the truth i don't accept units of alcohol i work those out
00:35:29Then i halve them right
00:35:31And when he gets to those he still goes oh that's an awful lot
00:35:35And i think i've won i go is it
00:35:40And uh at the end of the three hours they've got all the results back from the lab right
00:35:44And he's got this big computer it's like a body composition right and from there they work out
00:35:50Your percentage chance of a stroke heart attack and one year five years ten years and mine's always about the same
00:35:57It always gets worse with age nothing to do about that um but i'm always like i'm at the end of healthy weight
00:36:03I'm just nearly obese i'm just right oh like that i was pre-diabetic once i had to sort that out
00:36:08And uh now i'm pre-gout right
00:36:12Pre-gout right
00:36:14And so he tells you all that and then he goes so what are we going to do about this
00:36:17And i want to go what do you mean we i've i've just paid you 600 quid mate right
00:36:24You're going to fix it and i'm going to carry on right
00:36:27You don't take a car to the garage and he goes oh
00:36:29Tyres are bald the big ends gone what are we going to do you're going to fix it mate and i'm going to pay you
00:36:34He went what is that you need more fiber in your diet i want to go get me wine with fiber in it
00:36:41Then i mean i can afford anything you must be able to offend that just so
00:36:48He said you're heavily constipated i want to go get in there with a spoon son
00:36:52And then they always leave it right to the end they don't even look up they go
00:37:04And can i give you a rectal exam which means i have to go yes please i just
00:37:09I want to surprise me on the way out do you know i mean bye bye oh and that's fine thank you right
00:37:15But there's a big build up right and as they're washing their hands they've got to say
00:37:18Uh oh um would you like a chaperone no so you're gonna have your finger at my ass
00:37:24And now you've got a mate watching no just do it
00:37:29And they lay you on this bench right on your back to start with like pants and trousers around your ankle knees apart like a little frog right
00:37:37And they do the balls first right and i'm nervous a doctor i'm really nervous so i've got no balls right
00:37:44He has to dig them out like a tortoise's head you know i mean it's just like a little fist of fear down there right
00:37:53And i fucking hate it
00:37:54I'm like
00:37:55Like that right
00:37:57I still it's horrible right and then when they then they turn you on the side and lube you i'm going
00:38:03The finger up the ass that's great you know not great that's not why i go but it's
00:38:07Me again you were yesterday come on come on
00:38:10But this one time it was an old man and uh it was still a doctor not just an old
00:38:20Doctor said he couldn't make it so i thought i'd i'd have a go right
00:38:24There was a sort of like old school gp is about 75 little shirt and tie tweed jacket right and he was sitting on a on an armchair right
00:38:32And he didn't put me on the bench i was just standing up and he went oh just pop your pants and trousers down
00:38:37Right so i was so he was a little like so he was like head height to my balls right
00:38:42And as i say i'm nervous
00:38:46Doctor so i jabber i talk i think if i put them off they won't find the cancer you know what i mean
00:38:51And so he started doing the balls out and i just went oh what are you looking for there exactly right and they usually go
00:38:58And he didn't he went oh that's a good question and he sat back and he started telling me all about cancer right
00:39:05So now i'm just having a chat right
00:39:10And he went on for ages he was he was loving it right and i remember it felt rude to do that
00:39:16So i was going all right right
00:39:18I do work out a bit um i actually joined a gym
00:39:33Literally on my road i discovered i've got a gym in my house i got bored with that i uh
00:39:38But i thought if i joined it if i pay in advance like pay a year in advance
00:39:42Right then i'll try and get value for money and that'll make me go then i remembered oh i'm rich
00:39:49I could join a different gym every day for a lot just go along go there's two thousand pounds like i'll see you tomorrow
00:39:54You'll never see me again
00:39:58And uh
00:39:59I go about once a month and i sort of do 10 minutes on the machines and i sort of run home like that right
00:40:05I don't use the changing rooms there i go i've got a thing about changing rooms probably changing rooms
00:40:09I always have a i know i'll tell you why i don't know it's the same in ladies changing rooms
00:40:13But men are so proud of their awful right if i'm in a public place i have a shower right one minute towel
00:40:20Corner pants on right there's folks walking around naked before the shower talking to each other
00:40:27After the shower there was one bloke in the shower way too long right which is ages right and he got out
00:40:32No towel just dripping wet just went up to the mirror and started doing his hair first
00:40:39I was in there with a there was just me and this really fat bloke once in the changing room i was
00:40:44Getting changed and he was there and he was really big like like 350 pounds right and he was naked
00:40:49On one of those precision scales and he was there for fucking ages that and i was looking at that
00:40:55He was like that for ages i wanted to run over and go mate you're never going to be an astronaut right
00:41:02It doesn't need to be this accurate just pop some pants on and take a fucking gram off but
00:41:07And i'm not having a go at fat people say i'm fat i'm overweight you know why because i eat and drink too much
00:41:12That's what does it i don't judge fat people i just know how they got fat if i see a fat person i go
00:41:17Well done you know
00:41:19You've eaten way more than you'll ever need same as me right
00:41:23If i see a fat couple i go yeah that works right
00:41:26But then as they're walking along right and you see their little fat toddlers and you go ah that's not fair right
00:41:32And the mother always goes they love cake of course they love cake
00:41:37They're baby mammals we're we're the same species as we were like 200 000 years ago
00:41:43We've got a hunter gatherer brain right all this affluence is so much faster than our human biology
00:41:48So when you get one of those cakes from the supermarket that's packed with fats and sugar
00:41:53You don't your brain goes fucking oh that's amazing keep eating that there might not be food tomorrow
00:41:58But there will be food tomorrow the fridge is for your mum's on the phone to a car though you know what i mean
00:42:04Now there's even a stigma like doctors get in trouble for saying to someone you're overweight or obese
00:42:09They don't know that's a political thing no it's like fat shaming it's not fat it's you don't get cancer shaming
00:42:14He's trying to save your life right there was a school
00:42:17That tried to ban the word obese because they said it was derogatory to i don't know what to call them
00:42:24Ground children
00:42:27But that's the polite word that's the word we invented so we didn't say fat little fucker don't
00:42:33Don't keep changing words because one person gets offended also fat people aren't offended by the word obese
00:42:39They did it all they're happy with they're jolly aren't they they're jolly you know you see a fat boy
00:42:44Oh
00:42:52The doctor come in
00:42:57Fuck me
00:43:00Am I obese no you're morbidly obese
00:43:06What does that mean means you're gonna die of it oh does it
00:43:09All right
00:43:12What straight away or no no no no you've got diabetes so you'll have your legs amputated soon and um
00:43:18Then you'll if you carry on your dilator of like stroke and respiratory heart failure so all right
00:43:26Is there anything i can do oh yeah of course there is you could start working out and eat healthy you'll be right as rain
00:43:31Oh right but you won't will you
00:43:36No
00:43:38And i feel sorry for them even though it's their fault when you see one of those documentaries on telly like the 600
00:43:43Pound man or something and he's being winched out of his house to go to hospital right if you're dangling from a crane
00:43:50Right
00:43:57And you see a film crew
00:43:59Right
00:44:03You know you fucked it
00:44:05And then you know as i say then they wake up the next day and they've had their legs amputated it's really sad and
00:44:17They're crying and i'm crying and they're going oh my god why did i let it go this far i'm so stupid
00:44:22Then they get philosophical about it and they go i never really used the legs
00:44:26So
00:44:28And well then it's lunch time and so you know
00:44:32And then there's the nurse you didn't throw them legs away
00:44:45Guys do you ever act more working class around builders
00:44:50I do i can be walking around leafy hamstead right
00:44:54Book of poems right
00:44:57Scarf right just humming brahms right
00:45:02And if some scaffolds go ricky i'll go all right you can't say doing boys
00:45:06And i don't know why i do i don't know why i try and impress them
00:45:12But i've always been fascinated with human behavior right
00:45:16But as i said at the beginning we're the only species that allows the universe to understand itself
00:45:21But we see all nature through our eyes so it all comes back to us why are we here
00:45:27What makes us is our genetics or the environment the old nature versus nurture argument
00:45:32The the psychologist piaget was once asked what's more important for the intellect of a person
00:45:38Nature or nurture and he famously replied what's more important for the area of a field length or width
00:45:44All right mate if you don't know the answer just fucking
00:45:51But psychology psychiatry neuroscience it's still in its infancy and we still know so little about the brain and 150 years ago
00:46:00We knew nothing it was just it was all guesswork right and uh, like everything was just mental if you weren't a white
00:46:07sort of heterosexual married christian man
00:46:09Right if you deviated too far
00:46:11Mental they just went mental
00:46:13Like homosexuality mental mental illness you were put in an asylum for life or worse tortured women who fell pregnant out of wedlock
00:46:21Mental asylum for life, right?
00:46:23and now we understand things more we're more tolerant we're
00:46:27I think it's going too far the other way though because now
00:46:31Nothing's mental you can't find something that someone's nothing is considered mental
00:46:36Everything is a syndrome or an addiction or a preference right?
00:46:41I could have my legs removed have wheels put on identify as a pram right
00:46:49And if you sound mental you're a bigot right now
00:46:53That's a bit hack that joke now isn't it oh identify as a thing then right it's a bit old-fashioned right
00:46:58But i'm going to leave it in to annoy people right
00:47:02Because that's the bit that'll offend people same as
00:47:05Humanity i talk about aids famine cancer the holocaust rape paedophilia
00:47:11But no the one thing you mustn't joke about is identity policy
00:47:14The one thing you should never joke about is the trans issue right they just want to be treated equally i agree that's why i include them
00:47:21You know
00:47:29But they know i'm joking about all the other stuff but they go no no i must they must be
00:47:33No, he must mean that right like like a joke is a window to the comedian's true soul
00:47:38It's just that's just not the case
00:47:40I'll take on any view to make the joke funniest i'll pretend to be right-wing i'll pretend to be left-wing i'll pretend to be clever
00:47:47I'll pretend to be stupid whatever makes the joke funnier without prejudice okay
00:47:52Full disclosure in real life of course i support trans rights i support all human rights and trans rights are human rights you know
00:47:59Live your best life use your preferred pronouns
00:48:02Be the gender that you feel that you are but meet me halfway ladies lose the cock that's all i'm saying
00:48:17And it's it's mad to think joking about something that means you're anti it like i made a joke about self-id but
00:48:23In fact i wish that self-idea had been around when i was a kid i'd have used it to get shit
00:48:28I'd have gone to my mum mum i'm trans she'd have gone what i've gone i'm either trans or i need a new bike
00:48:37She'd have gone you need a new bike
00:48:41I'd have gone you're the boss
00:48:42But i uh i grew up in the 60s jesus
00:48:51I had like victorian parents we hadn't heard of any of this
00:48:54But what if i was a teenager now in these really woke progressive times right and i'd really call
00:49:01Hippie parents right and i went mother father i'm trans they'd go oh goody that's so fucking trendy right
00:49:07And my dad would go bagsy i picked the vagina i'll go thank you
00:49:14Right
00:49:16Then they'd be like a montage right and i'd go to hospital i'd have all the electrolysis look around my hair right
00:49:20I'd have
00:49:22I'd have a big fanny i think no no if someone else is paying i'll have the big one you know what i mean like
00:49:27dad trying to buy me the minge fuck you dad right
00:49:30big fanny boobs right and
00:49:34right
00:49:36No
00:49:37I'd i'd i'd i'd come out and i'd emerge i'd be a real woman i'd be vicky gervais i'd be vicky gervais right
00:49:44Yeah and i'd be no i'd be a real woman right and uh you can't change your sexuality so i find women attractive so i'd be
00:49:51i'd be a lesbian i'd be a little little lesbian fella called um vicky gervais right right right and
00:49:57Probably be a butch lesbian because of all the testosterone up till then right also i like i like the fashion jeans black t-shirt short hair
00:50:05beard no
00:50:06no i'd be no i'd be a real lesbian called vicky gervais lesbian about town right and so i'd uh
00:50:12i'd go down to brighton right and uh
00:50:14i'd go into a a lesbian bar right and i'll go hi uh pool table winner stays on i'll be there all
00:50:21fucking night
00:50:23all right this joke isn't worth it for the punchline the punchline is really so just enjoy the
00:50:33journey right right so i'd look around and i find one of them pretty lesbians right
00:50:38this is so childish and misinformed it hurts right i'm gonna leave it in though right so no i find a
00:50:46pretty lesbian i got i got this is pathetic right even even for me i can't do this with a
00:50:54fucking straight face right right right and i'd go over that i'd go i go hi you're a lesbian she
00:51:02go yeah yeah are you a lesbian i go yeah just a bit look at that right
00:51:08and she go that is a lovely fanny i go
00:51:10fucking cost enough she go water everything right and then i'd so i'd be i'd be wooing her
00:51:15right i'd be doing all the like like that i'd be sort of like complimenting her on a sort of
00:51:20leszy ways i'd go uh i'd go oh i go i love you doc martin's right she oh thanks right right
00:51:33i go oh those are big earrings aren't they right so yeah right and then she go do you want to come
00:51:37back to my place and les off i go yeah just a bit right so we go back we get naked i'd boob her up
00:51:43i don't know what you mean you're off i'd do that one i'd i'd do that one definitely do that one right
00:51:50i'd google it wouldn't i fucking google it right and i right and then she'd go oh do you want to
00:51:55wear a strap-on dildo and give me a good c in two i go yeah right so i put a strap on on i put the
00:52:00put the big dildo there on my new fanny like that and tie it at the back and that's when i kick myself
00:52:07oh god oh but one thing that isn't ambiguous whether it's nature or nurture
00:52:28is racism right no one's born racist you've got to learn that shit okay and okay i don't
00:52:34want to divide the room i'm not a fan of racism um no hear me out i i i i don't care whether you're
00:52:41black white brown european african you're all going yeah that's all right right black white brown
00:52:46european african what about the fucking eskimos racist right they're fucking weird rick they are
00:52:51not weird they're just different they live in the snow yeah that is their little house the snow so right
00:52:56yeah they wear a they wear a dead sea lion for their yes that's their clothes the dead sea lion right
00:53:01but here's the thing about racism right you drag one out of his little hole in the snow
00:53:06and peel him out of his sea lion outfit right and he's standing there naked you take a closer look
00:53:11he's basically a cold chinaman
00:53:15so
00:53:15i know you can't say chinaman anymore right i can't believe you ever could because that is the
00:53:32laziest labeling of a demographic i've ever heard right so the first one lands on our shores and we
00:53:38gather around going what the where are you from right and he goes china and we go oh you're a china
00:53:42man because i'm a what you're a china man a china man yeah what's my wife duh lady chinaman
00:53:55why don't you call me by my name i don't know your name do i it's ling ling yeah is that your first
00:54:04name or your surname both
00:54:09ling ling hello right no right right
00:54:20remember irony okay also that's not me saying that is it it's a little chinaman
00:54:28isn't it he's all right with it then that won't be in right okay
00:54:37fucking hell have i got anything for this fucking special
00:54:43oh this is all right right um
00:54:47did anyone have a pedo teacher when they were at school yes yeah yeah
00:54:52yeah round of applause for pedo teachers yeah
00:54:59fucking hell unbelievable that's another thing i think whereas people are now trying to be
00:55:06so politically correct they're trying to outwoke each other soon someone's going to say you can't
00:55:10say pedo anymore it's a derogatory term it offends people who are child addicted right
00:55:17right so you're going to have people going to the doctor going doctor i think i'm child addicted
00:55:23right and doctor go oh you poor thing how do you feel i feel like i want to fiddle with kids
00:55:29that is one of the symptoms don't worry sit down we'll get you into a facility a taxpayer's expense
00:55:35right and we're we'll wean you off children uh how does that work doctor well you know like when
00:55:41they give heroin addicts methadone yeah well we're going to start you on dwarves right it might work
00:55:52it might work
00:56:01how does that work doc wow let me think i haven't thought it through right okay no um
00:56:06so what what you do is you come into we've hired loads of dwarves right and uh we're not open
00:56:12during the panto season we can't get the staff right so you you come in you come in february to
00:56:20november right and we've hired loads of dwarves right and we've dressed them up as school children
00:56:26right and they just run around the campus right run around like they're free-range dwarves
00:56:31right and they look like they're about six years old right but they're not they're above legal age
00:56:38so you're not breaking the law and they've been paid so it's consensual and you just go to one
00:56:42you fancy pull down his little trousers fiddle is it hey doctor i said i was a pedo i didn't say i was
00:56:47gay right do you think it's like homophobia in the sort of paedophile community like one paedophile he's
00:56:53all smug he's heterosexual he's abducting a little girl right he's taking a little girl into the forest
00:56:58and he looks over and he sees another pedo with a little boy and he goes you bender
00:57:07and there's a london borough that tried to ban registered paedophiles living within one mile
00:57:12of a school now say what you will about pedos but they're not lazy
00:57:18a lot of them are bus drivers that's nothing
00:57:21you know so this pedo teacher right true story this it was about 1976 so i was about 14 and uh
00:57:31looking back i feel a bit sorry for him because he was probably late 20s and there was something wrong
00:57:35he was like a nervous sort of guy and um he was obviously gay and he had a fling with one of the
00:57:39older boys who might have been 16 17 so now would have been totally legal but then technically a
00:57:45nonce banished convicted never heard of again big scandal right and when it broke i went home that
00:57:52day my mum was there and she went did he touch you and i went no she went you sure i went yeah she went
00:58:02he couldn't have fancied you then
00:58:04so now my mum is winding me up about me not being attractive enough to be sexually abused
00:58:16what if i'd have got a complex what if i thought well i'll show her right
00:58:21i come in at midnight where you been sucking off bus drivers that's what you get
00:58:25but that was typical of my mum my mum she was the salt of the earth but she just said what she
00:58:34wanted right and she'd do anything for you but she reserved the right to moan about it so growing
00:58:40up right our next door neighbor mrs dawson she was about 25 years older than my mum so when my mum was
00:58:4560 this old lady was already like 85 86 and my mum was the last living witness to her existence she
00:58:51lives alone and my mum did everything for her right she went shopping for her she did the housework
00:58:55she went around made her lunch and sat with her for a while she went back made her tea and
00:58:59and this went on and on i remember calling home once my mum was like 70 and i went oh i called
00:59:04earlier you were out and my mom went yeah i was reading dawson's and i went oh how is she
00:59:09and my mom went she just won't die rick
00:59:12i have very fond memories of growing up in reading um which is why yeah well i never go back
00:59:28but wherever i am in the world i always bump into someone from reading they go i'm a ready boy
00:59:31i go oh good that should be enough but it never is they always want more they say things like um
00:59:35oh yeah you know's norman taylor don't you i go i never know this person i know i go oh no
00:59:40they go yeah he knows you yeah i'm on the telly mate
00:59:45you went to ashmeade school didn't you yeah yeah yeah yeah you know it's pete shepherd oh when was
00:59:50he there 1993 yeah i was 31 mate i was he knows you does he has he got a telly yeah that's what's
01:00:01happened here that's what's happening but i do like old stories and i don't tell showbiz stories
01:00:08they're boring to me i like real stories and whenever i'm working up a tour i try and think
01:00:12of things that's happened to me and how my life's changed and i thought of one for this tour and it
01:00:17was hugging right no one's been hugging for the last couple of years right which i i preferred i
01:00:22like that i don't i never liked hugging i liked when you couldn't hug right i always felt awkward i never
01:00:26know when to hug i didn't hug anyone growing up i didn't hug anyone until i came to london people are
01:00:30like a working-class kid on an estate in reading you don't hug people you don't hug your
01:00:34fucking dad or your granddad or your brother you wind them up you take the piss that's our hug
01:00:39right i'll give you an example uh we're at our dad's funeral and i was out in the graveyard with my
01:00:44brother bob right bob was having a cigarette right and our uncle mike came along we hadn't seen mike for
01:00:50like 25 years last time we saw him he was like 50 and now he's like 75 he hadn't aged well he was an
01:00:55old man right and he came up to us and he went hello boys and bob sort of looked at him and recognized him
01:01:01and went fuck me all right and then bob looked around the graveyard and went is there any point
01:01:07you going home right and uncle mike laughed and went always nice to see you bobby like that and that
01:01:22was their hug do you know what i mean i'll give you another example when i left school my best mate was
01:01:27a bloke called mark right we did everything together we took a year out before we went to college
01:01:31drawing money to get pissed really and we did every it was the best summer ever and uh but then
01:01:37something happened his uh his grandmother died and he lived he lived with her so it was a big deal
01:01:42and uh he went to the funeral and the first place he came after you know was my house he he sat down
01:01:48in his little black suit and um it was just quite i didn't know what to say no hugging right so i just
01:01:53went how was it he went it was awful he said um she was cremated and we all went outside to watch
01:01:59the smoke go up and the wind changed and it all blew in our faces right and i went what in your mouth
01:02:06and he went yeah i went i took a chance i i said did it taste bitter and he went yeah i went that was
01:02:15her clitoris right and mark just went hell rick all right and then he started laughing and we both
01:02:30and that was our hug do you know what i mean oh i'll leave you with one final story right it's another
01:02:37true story if i say they're true by the way they are i promise they're all true and uh and my favorite
01:02:42of the school stories and this is probably my favorite school story ever it was 1976 again so
01:02:49uh i was about 14 and we had a kid in our class called gary masterman and gary developed tourette
01:02:55syndrome like every sentence of the swear word and he had a tick because we learned all about it in
01:03:00assembly gary was up there all the teachers knew him all the kids knew him he was a popular lad right
01:03:04and um yeah nice guy uh gary masterman but sometimes his tics seemed relevant and i'll never
01:03:12forget we were having this lesson with a young female teacher called miss wilkie right and she was
01:03:16at the blackboard and she was doing those calling out suggestions i can't remember what it was about
01:03:20but she'd go um simon what do you think yeah that's good yes that works yeah brian what do you
01:03:25yeah yeah good yeah and she went gary he went our finger miss and she just went anyone else
01:03:40and she pointed to sean dixon and sean went yeah our finger
01:03:44yeah you've been amazing good night
01:03:56yeah
01:03:58yeah
01:04:04yeah
01:04:06yeah
01:04:08yeah
01:04:10yeah
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