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In the chaotic nation of Freedonia, things go from bad to absurd when an eccentric and clueless man is appointed as the country's new leader. Instead of restoring order, his ridiculous decisions and outrageous behavior push the nation to the brink of war. Quack Diplomacy is a razor-sharp political satire that mocks blind patriotism, bureaucratic nonsense, and the dangers of unchecked power—all delivered through rapid-fire jokes, slapstick gags, and brilliant comedic timing. A timeless classic that proves politics has always been a laughing matter.
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Short filmTranscript
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00:01:31Mrs. Teesdale.
00:01:32.
00:01:33I again ask you to reconsider.
00:01:35I've already loaned Fredonia more than half the fortune my husband left me.
00:01:39I consider that money lost.
00:01:41And now you're asking for another $20 million.
00:01:44But it will only be for a few months to meet this present emergency.
00:01:47With 20 million dollars in the Treasury,
00:01:49we can announce an immediate reduction in the taxes.
00:01:51That's all that the people are asking for.
00:01:53I'm sorry, but I'm inclined to agree with the people.
00:01:55The government has been mismanaged.
00:01:57What?
00:01:58I will lend the money, but only on condition
00:02:00that His Excellency withdraw and place the government in new hands.
00:02:03You asked me to give up my office?
00:02:05Yes, Your Excellency.
00:02:06In a crisis like this, I feel Fredonia needs a new leader,
00:02:09a progressive, fearless fighter,
00:02:11a man like Rufus T. Firefly.
00:02:13Rufus T. Firefly.
00:02:15I will lend the money to Fredonia
00:02:17only if Firefly is appointed leader.
00:02:20The Honorable "'Secretary of Finance' and Parties.'
00:02:22Yes.
00:02:23The Honorable Secretary of Finance and Party.
00:02:53His Excellency Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania.
00:03:02Ambassador.
00:03:04Mrs. Teasdale.
00:03:06It was so good of you to come.
00:03:08I'm anxious for you to meet the new leader of our country.
00:03:10No matter who rules in Fedonia, Mrs. Teasdale,
00:03:12to me, you will always be the first lady of the land.
00:03:15Oh, permit me.
00:03:17This is Miss Vera Markel, Ambassador Trentino.
00:03:20Miss Markel needs no introduction.
00:03:22I've seen her dance many times at the theater.
00:03:27The Honorable Pandu of Muff Pan.
00:03:30I must greet you, son of a...
00:03:38What have you found out?
00:03:39Nothing. I'll be waiting to hear from you.
00:03:41I've given up the idea of a revolution.
00:03:43I have a better plan.
00:03:44Oh, yes.
00:03:45I can gain control of Fedonia much easier
00:03:47by marrying Mrs. Teasdale.
00:03:49Maybe that's not going to be so easy.
00:03:51Eh?
00:03:52Oh, from what I hear.
00:03:53You see, Mrs. Teasdale is rather sweet
00:03:54on this Rufus Teeth firefly.
00:03:56Oh, well, that's where you come in.
00:03:57I'm going to place him in your hands.
00:03:59And I don't have to tell you what to do or how to...
00:04:02Careful.
00:04:04I want you to meet His Excellency's secretary,
00:04:06Bob Rowland.
00:04:07Ambassador Trentino.
00:04:08How do you do, sir?
00:04:09How do you do?
00:04:10Miss Markel.
00:04:11We've met.
00:04:12Of course.
00:04:13Well, I hope His Excellency gets here soon.
00:04:15His Excellency makes it a point always to be on time.
00:04:17As long as I've known Him, He's never been late for an appointment.
00:04:20His Excellency is due
00:04:22To take His station
00:04:24Beginning His new administration
00:04:27He'll make His appearance when
00:04:30The clock on the wall
00:04:32Strikes ten
00:04:34When the clock on the wall strikes ten
00:04:37All you loyal ladies and you patriotic men
00:04:41Let's sing the national anthem
00:04:44When the clock on the wall strikes ten
00:04:47The clock on the wall strikes ten
00:04:48His Excellency is due
00:04:49To take His station
00:05:02Beginning His new administration
00:05:03He'll make His appearance when
00:05:05The clock on the wall strikes ten
00:05:08He'll give Him a rousing cheer
00:05:09He'll show Him we're glad he's here
00:05:14Hell, hell, bring the nearest
00:05:25ominat
00:05:26Hail, hail, hail, young, young, land of the brave, and brave.
00:05:41Hail, hail, hail, hail, young, land of the brave, and brave.
00:06:03Hail, hail, hail, hail, young, land of the brave, and brave.
00:06:24You expecting somebody?
00:06:26Yes.
00:06:27Hail, hail, hail, young, land of the brave, and brave.
00:06:36Oh, Your Excellency.
00:06:38We've been expecting you.
00:06:40As chairwoman of the reception committee,
00:06:42I extend the good wishes of every man, woman, and child of Fredonia.
00:06:46Never mind that stuff. Take a card.
00:06:47Card? What'll I do with the card?
00:06:49You can keep it. I've got 51 left. Now, what were you saying?
00:06:52As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.
00:06:56Is that so? How late do you stay open?
00:06:58I've sponsored your appointment
00:07:00because I feel you are the most able statesman in all Fredonia.
00:07:03Well, that covers a lot of ground.
00:07:05Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself.
00:07:06You better beat it.
00:07:07I hear they're going to tear you down
00:07:08and put up an office building where you're standing.
00:07:10You can leave in a taxi.
00:07:11If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff.
00:07:13If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a half.
00:07:15You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here?
00:07:17You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
00:07:19The future of Fredonia rests on you.
00:07:22Promise me you'll follow in the footsteps of my husband.
00:07:26How do you like that? I haven't been on the job five minutes
00:07:28and already she's making advances to me.
00:07:30Not that I care, but where is your husband?
00:07:32Why, he's dead.
00:07:34I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.
00:07:36I was with him till the very end.
00:07:38No wonder he passed away.
00:07:40I held him in my arms and kissed him.
00:07:43Oh, I see. Then it was murder.
00:07:45Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money?
00:07:46Answer the second question first.
00:07:48He left me his entire fortune.
00:07:49Is that so? Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you?
00:07:51I love you.
00:07:52Oh, Your Excellency.
00:07:55You're not so bad yourself.
00:07:57Oh, I want to present you Ambassador Trentino of Salvania.
00:08:01Having him with us today is indeed a great pleasure.
00:08:04Thank you, but I can't stay very long.
00:08:06That's even a greater pleasure.
00:08:08Now, how about lending this country $20 million, you old-skinned Flint?
00:08:11$20 million is a lot of money.
00:08:13I'd like to take that up with my Minister of Finance.
00:08:15Well, in the meantime, could you let me have $12 until payday?
00:08:17$12?
00:08:18Don't be scared. You'll get it back.
00:08:19I'll give you my personal note for 90 days.
00:08:21If it isn't paid by then, you can keep the note.
00:08:23Your Excellency, haven't we seen each other somewhere before?
00:08:26I don't think so. I'm not sure I'm seeing you now.
00:08:28It must be something I ate.
00:08:29Look here, sir. Are you trying to...
00:08:31Don't look now.
00:08:33But there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.
00:08:36Oh, I'm so sorry.
00:08:39I want you to meet a very charming lady.
00:08:42And it's about time.
00:08:43Just a moment.
00:08:45I want to present Miss Vera Markell.
00:08:47Go ahead. I can take it.
00:08:48Oh, you don't understand.
00:08:50This is Vera Markell, the famous dancer.
00:08:53Is that so? Can you do this one?
00:08:55I danced before Napoleon.
00:09:00No, Napoleon danced before me.
00:09:02In fact, he danced 200 years before me.
00:09:04Here's one I picked up in a dance hall.
00:09:08Here's another one I picked up in a dance hall.
00:09:11Perhaps sometime we get a chance to dance together, huh?
00:09:15I could dance with you till the cows come home.
00:09:17On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows than you come home.
00:09:20Where's my secretary? Here I am.
00:09:23Good heavens, Your Excellency.
00:09:25Uh, take a letter.
00:09:26Who to?
00:09:27To my dentist.
00:09:28Uh, dear dentist.
00:09:30Enclosed fine check for $500, yours very truly.
00:09:32Send that off immediately.
00:09:33I'll, uh, I'll have to enclose the check first.
00:09:35You do, and I'll fire you.
00:09:36Your Excellency, the eyes of the world are upon you.
00:09:40Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor.
00:09:43This is a gala day for you.
00:09:45Well, a gala day is enough for me.
00:09:47I don't think I can handle any more.
00:09:49If it's not asking too much.
00:09:51For our information, just for illustration.
00:09:56Tell us how you intend to run the nation.
00:10:01These are the laws of my administration.
00:10:05No one's allowed to smoke or tell a dirty joke.
00:10:09And whistling is forbidden.
00:10:11We're not allowed to tell a dirty joke.
00:10:13We'll, we'll, we'll, we'll none.
00:10:17If chewing gum is chewed, the chewer is pursued.
00:10:20And in the who's cow hidden.
00:10:22If we choose to chew, we'll be pursued.
00:10:24If any form of pleasure is exhibited,
00:10:27Report to me and it will be prohibited.
00:10:30I'll put my foot down, so shall it be.
00:10:33This is the land of the free.
00:10:36The last man nearly ruined this place.
00:10:38He didn't know what to do with it.
00:10:39If you think this country's bad off now,
00:10:41Just wait till I get through with it.
00:10:47The country's taxes must be fixed,
00:10:48And I know what to do with it.
00:10:50If you think you're paying too much now,
00:10:51Just wait till I get through with it.
00:10:53I will not stand for anything that's crooked or unfair.
00:11:02I'm strictly on the up and up, so everyone beware.
00:11:05If anyone's caught taking graft, and I don't get my share,
00:11:08We stand them up against the wall and hup goes the weasel.
00:11:11So everyone beware, who's crooked or unfair.
00:11:14No one will take a piece of graft for us to get his share.
00:11:17If any man should come between a husband and his bride,
00:11:23We find out which one she prefers by letting her decide.
00:11:26If she prefers the other man, the husband steps outside.
00:11:29We stand them up against the wall and hup goes the weasel.
00:11:36The husband steps outside, we hear who shears his bride.
00:11:39We stand him up against the wall and take him for the light.
00:11:42You have an appointment at the House of Representatives.
00:11:45Good heavens! You can't go with your trousers up!
00:11:48I can't, eh?
00:11:49Well, they never catch me any other way.
00:11:50My car!
00:11:51His Excellency's car!
00:11:52His Excellency's car!
00:11:54His Excellency's car!
00:11:56His Excellency's car!
00:11:58His Excellency's car!
00:12:12His Excellency's car!
00:12:17I'm in a hurry!
00:12:18To the House of Representatives!
00:12:19Ride like fury!
00:12:20If you run out of gas, get Ethel!
00:12:21If Ethel runs out, get Mabel!
00:12:22Now step on her!
00:12:31Well, it certainly feels good to be back again.
00:12:42I have failed, Ambassador.
00:12:43I know it.
00:12:44I know it, you idiot.
00:12:45I'm sorry.
00:12:46You have muddled everything.
00:12:47If you'd started the revolution as I planned,
00:12:48during the turmoil, I could have stepped in
00:12:51and placed Fredonia under the Sylvainian flag.
00:12:52Our flag.
00:12:53But Firefly blocked us.
00:12:54Your Excellency, you have no idea how popular he is in Fredonia.
00:12:57Oh, yes, I've known of that, too.
00:12:58That's why I have two spies shadowing him.
00:13:00I want to find out something about him.
00:13:01I want to find out something about him.
00:13:03I want to find out something about him.
00:13:04I want to find out something about him.
00:13:06I want to find out something about him.
00:13:08I want to find out something about him.
00:13:11I want to find out something about him.
00:13:12Something to disgrace him.
00:13:13To discredit him with the people.
00:13:15Ambassador, Ciccolini and Pinky are here.
00:13:18No, these are my spies.
00:13:19Show them in.
00:13:20Wait outside.
00:13:29We fool you good, eh?
00:13:31Gentlemen!
00:13:32Gentlemen, what is this?
00:13:41Shh!
00:13:42This is spy stuff.
00:13:50Telegram for you, sir.
00:13:51No.
00:13:56He gets mad because he can't read.
00:13:58Oh, I see.
00:13:59Well, gentlemen, we have serious matters to discuss.
00:14:01So, uh, please be seated.
00:14:03Rock-a-bye.
00:14:04Gentlemen!
00:14:05Gentlemen!
00:14:06Now then, about that information...
00:14:07Wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:14:08Here.
00:14:09Have a cigar.
00:14:10That's a good quarter cigar.
00:14:11I smoked the other three quarters myself.
00:14:13Yes, well, no thank you.
00:14:14I have one of my own.
00:14:15Here.
00:14:16Try one of these.
00:14:18Yeah, it's a no good.
00:14:27That's a good one.
00:14:28That's a fine.
00:14:30That's a good one.
00:14:35Now let's concentrate.
00:14:36Have you been trailing Firefly?
00:14:38Ha, ha!
00:14:39Have we been trailing Firefly?
00:14:41Why, my partner, he's got a nose just like a bloodhound.
00:14:43Oh, really?
00:14:44Yeah, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.
00:14:46Look, we find out all about this, Firefly.
00:14:48Here.
00:14:49Look at this.
00:14:50Ah, very good.
00:14:51Very good.
00:14:52Wait a minute.
00:14:53We must not be disturbed.
00:14:54Yes, sir?
00:14:55Oh, this is a very important conference, and I do not wish to be interrupted.
00:15:00Yes, sir.
00:15:01Ha, ha!
00:15:02Ha, ha!
00:15:03Gentlemen, we are not getting anywhere.
00:15:07Get out!
00:15:08Hey.
00:15:09Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:15:10And now, gentlemen, please, will you tell me what you found out about Firefly?
00:15:14Well, you remember, you gave us a picture of this man and said, follow him?
00:15:15Oh, yes.
00:15:16Well, we get on the job right away.
00:15:17And in one hour, even in less than one hour.
00:15:18Yes?
00:15:19We lose the pigs.
00:15:20That's a pretty quick work, eh?
00:15:21But I asked you to dig up something I can use against Firefly.
00:15:24Did you bring me his record?
00:15:26No, no!
00:15:27No, no!
00:15:28And the boy gets a cigar.
00:15:29Now, Ciccolini, I want a full, detailed report of your investigation.
00:15:32All right, I tell you.
00:15:33Monday, we watch the Firefly's house.
00:15:34What do you think?
00:15:35Well, we get on the job right away.
00:15:36And in one hour.
00:15:37Even in less than one hour.
00:15:38Yes?
00:15:39We lose the pigs.
00:15:40That's a pretty quick work, eh?
00:15:41But I asked you to dig up something I can use against Firefly.
00:15:42Did you bring me his record?
00:15:43No, no!
00:15:44And the boy gets a cigar.
00:15:47Ah!
00:15:48Now, Ciccolini, I want a full, detailed report of your investigation.
00:15:53All right, I tell you.
00:15:55Monday, we watch the Firefly's house.
00:15:57But he no come out.
00:15:58He wasn't home.
00:15:59Tuesday, we go to the ballgame, but he fool us.
00:16:01He no show up.
00:16:02Wednesday, he go to the ballgame, and we fool him.
00:16:04We no show up.
00:16:05Thursday, it was a doubleheader.
00:16:07Nobody show up.
00:16:08Friday, it rained all day.
00:16:09There was no ballgame.
00:16:10So, we stayed home.
00:16:11We listened to her over the radio.
00:16:12Then you didn't shadow Firefly.
00:16:14Oh, sure, we shadow fire.
00:16:16We shadow him all day.
00:16:17But what day was that?
00:16:18Saturday.
00:16:19That's some joke, eh, boss?
00:16:21Now, will you tell me what happened on Saturday?
00:16:25I'm glad you asked me.
00:16:27We followed this man down to a roadhouse.
00:16:29And at this roadhouse, he meet a married lady.
00:16:30A married lady?
00:16:31Yeah, I think it was his wife.
00:16:32Firefly has no wife?
00:16:34No.
00:16:35No.
00:16:36Then you know what I think, boss?
00:16:37What?
00:16:38I think we followed the wrong man.
00:16:40Oh, gentlemen, I am disappointed.
00:16:43I entrusted you with a mission of great importance, and you failed.
00:16:47However, I am going to give you one more chance.
00:16:50I have credentials here that will get you into any place in Fredonia.
00:16:56If I can only...
00:16:57Ah, here we are.
00:16:59Now, are you sure that you can trap Firefly?
00:17:06Remember this time I expect results.
00:17:08Goodbye, and good luck.
00:17:09Okay, Cap.
00:17:10Come on, Pinky.
00:17:12Goodbye.
00:17:39All right, meeting's called a order.
00:17:40Your Excellency.
00:17:41Here's the Treasury Department's report.
00:17:43I hope you'll find it clear.
00:17:45Clear?
00:17:46Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report.
00:17:49Run out and find me a four-year-old child.
00:17:51I can't make a head or tail out of it.
00:17:53And now, members of the Cabinet, we'll take up old business.
00:17:56I wish to discuss the tariff.
00:17:58Sit down.
00:17:59That's new business.
00:18:00No old business?
00:18:01Very well.
00:18:02Then we'll take up new business.
00:18:03No about that tariff.
00:18:04Too late.
00:18:05That's old business already.
00:18:06Sit down.
00:18:07Gentlemen, as your Secretary of War, I...
00:18:09The Secretary of War is out of order.
00:18:10Which reminds me, so is the plumbing.
00:18:12Make a note of that.
00:18:13Never mind.
00:18:14I'll do it myself.
00:18:18The Department of Labor wishes a report that the workers of Fredonia are demanding shorter hours.
00:18:22Very well.
00:18:23We'll give them shorter hours.
00:18:24We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to 20 minutes.
00:18:26And now, gentlemen, we've got to start looking for a new treasurer.
00:18:29But you appointed one last week.
00:18:30That's the one I'm looking for.
00:18:32Gentlemen.
00:18:33Gentlemen, enough of this.
00:18:34How about taking up the tax?
00:18:36How about taking up the carpet?
00:18:37I still insist we must take up the tax.
00:18:39He's right.
00:18:40You've got to take up the tax before you can take up the carpet.
00:18:42I give all my time and energy to my duties, and what do I get?
00:18:45You get awfully tiresome after a while.
00:18:47Sir, you try my patience.
00:18:49I don't mind if I do.
00:18:50You must come over and try mine sometime.
00:18:52That's the last straw.
00:18:53I resign.
00:18:54I washed my hands of the whole business.
00:18:56A good idea.
00:18:57You can wash your neck, too.
00:19:00Peanuts.
00:19:15Hey, come here.
00:19:17Just the guy I want to see.
00:19:19What do you find out about this guy Firefly?
00:19:22You find out of something?
00:19:23You no find out of something?
00:19:25You spy on him?
00:19:26You no spy on him?
00:19:28What's the matter?
00:19:29All the time I talk, you no say nothing.
00:19:31What's the matter?
00:19:32You no speak, eh?
00:19:33Stop it.
00:19:34What do you find, eh?
00:19:36What do you find?
00:19:37That's no good.
00:19:39Hey, come here.
00:19:40You act crazy.
00:19:41What's the matter for you?
00:19:42What do you make a face like this?
00:19:43What's the matter for you?
00:19:44Oh, come on.
00:19:45You want to fight?
00:19:46You want to fight?
00:19:47Come on.
00:19:48I give you a fight.
00:19:49Hey, up the stairs this time.
00:19:50No downstairs.
00:19:51Come on.
00:19:54Think of you are, eh?
00:19:55Hey, what's the idea of fighting in front of my place and driving my customers away?
00:20:10Hey, mister.
00:20:11You got a mistake of some place.
00:20:12I no fight.
00:20:13You understand it.
00:20:14This guy, he's a worker for me.
00:20:15I ask him something and he'll tell me nothing.
00:20:16I ask him why I no speak.
00:20:17All the time he no speak.
00:20:18What do you think he do?
00:20:19He make a fight, he go like this.
00:20:20Hey, what's the idea?
00:20:22Oh, that's not my idea.
00:20:23That's his idea.
00:20:24All the time I say something, he no say nothing.
00:20:26Every time I speak...
00:20:27Will you shut up?
00:20:30Hey, listen.
00:20:31What are you doing around here?
00:20:33Who are you?
00:20:36Hey, can't you say...
00:20:38Can't you say anything?
00:20:39No, he no say nothing.
00:20:40Oh, shut up.
00:20:41I am a shut up.
00:20:42But mister, you no understand.
00:20:43Look, he's a spy and I'm a spy.
00:20:44He work for me.
00:20:45I want him to find out something, but he no find out what I want to find out.
00:20:48Now, how am I going to find out what I want to find out if he no find out what I got to find out?
00:20:51Will you quit annoying me?
00:20:53All right, I quit.
00:20:54All you got to do is make him stop doing this.
00:20:56Oh.
00:20:58Now, just for that, I'm going to tell you to live from live, live from live.
00:21:05It will take them to do the same thing.
00:21:08Well, now you see, I no say one thing, mister, before one of you.
00:21:21No.
00:21:22No, Ernest.
00:21:26Down.
00:21:38You know what?
00:21:39No.
00:21:40No.
00:21:41Oh!
00:21:42No!
00:21:43No.
00:21:44Come on, there!
00:21:45Come on!
00:21:51Come on!
00:21:53Come on!
00:21:54Come on, Nick.
00:21:59Oh!
00:22:00Oh!
00:22:01Oh, no!
00:22:03Oh, no, no, I'm gonna get you.
00:22:13What are you doing?
00:22:20Why...
00:22:33I'll teach you to kick me.
00:22:50You don't have to teach me. I know how.
00:22:52Oh.
00:22:55Stop it, Deli. Look out, then.
00:22:59Oh.
00:23:00Oh, that's so good, eh?
00:23:04Peanuts!
00:23:07Hey!
00:23:12You wanna be a public nuisance?
00:23:13Sure. How much does the job pay?
00:23:15I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
00:23:18Peanuts to you.
00:23:20Have you got a license?
00:23:22License?
00:23:23No, but my dog, he's got millions of them.
00:23:25Believe me, he's some smart dog.
00:23:28You know he went with Admiral Burry to the pole?
00:23:30I'll bet the dog got to the pole first.
00:23:32You win.
00:23:33Come on up here. I want to scare the cabinet.
00:23:38Hello? Hello?
00:23:40No. No, he's not in.
00:23:42All right. I tell him. Goodbye.
00:23:44That was for you.
00:23:46I'm sorry I'm not in. I wanted to have a long talk with you.
00:23:48Now, listen here.
00:23:49You give up that silly peanuts, Dan,
00:23:51and I'll get you a soft government job.
00:23:53Now, let's see.
00:23:54How would you like a job in the mint?
00:23:56Mint?
00:23:57No, no. I don't like a mint.
00:23:59What other flavor you got?
00:24:02Hello? Hello?
00:24:04No, not yet.
00:24:06All right. I tell him. Goodbye. Thank you.
00:24:08That was for you again.
00:24:10I wonder whatever became of me.
00:24:12I should have been back here a long time ago.
00:24:14Now, listen here. I've got a swell job for you,
00:24:16but first I'll have to ask you a couple of important questions.
00:24:19Now, what is it that has four pair of pants,
00:24:22lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours?
00:24:26That's a good one. I give you three guesses.
00:24:29Now, let me see.
00:24:30Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia.
00:24:32Is it male or female?
00:24:34I don't think so.
00:24:35Is he dead?
00:24:36Who?
00:24:37I don't know.
00:24:39I give up.
00:24:40I give up, too.
00:24:41Now, I ask you another one.
00:24:43What is it?
00:24:44Got a big black mustache, smokes a big black cigar,
00:24:47and he's a big pain in the neck.
00:24:49Now, don't tell me.
00:24:51Has a big black mustache, smokes a big black cigar,
00:24:55and there's a big pain in the...
00:24:57Uh...
00:24:58Does he wear glasses?
00:24:59That's right.
00:25:00You guess it quick.
00:25:01Just for that, you don't get the job I was going to give you.
00:25:03What job?
00:25:04Secretary of War.
00:25:05All right. I take it.
00:25:06Sold.
00:25:07You know, I'd be lost without a telephone.
00:25:27Hey, don't go away. I want to talk to you.
00:25:29Now, where were we?
00:25:30Oh, yes.
00:25:31Now that you're Secretary of War,
00:25:32what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?
00:25:33Well, I'll tell you what I think.
00:25:35I think we should have a standing army.
00:25:37Why should we have a standing army?
00:25:39Because then we save money on chairs.
00:25:44Peanuts.
00:25:47Scat!
00:25:57Say, who are you, anyway?
00:26:01I don't go in much for modern art.
00:26:03Have you got anything by one of the old masters?
00:26:10Not bad.
00:26:11You don't happen to have her telephone number.
00:26:18Say, you could be a big help to me.
00:26:20Where do you live?
00:26:25Well, it's not much of a place, but it's home.
00:26:28Meow.
00:26:33Well, I know one thing.
00:26:34I bet you haven't got a picture of my grandfather.
00:26:40Uh-uh.
00:26:41Not now.
00:26:43Some other time.
00:26:44Your Excellency.
00:26:57Quiet!
00:26:59This letter's the work of Trentino.
00:27:01The man is trying to undermine you.
00:27:02Now what are you going to do about it?
00:27:03I've got a good mind to ring his doorbell and run.
00:27:05We've got to get rid of that man at once.
00:27:07Now, I've got a plan.
00:27:09You say something to make him mad, and he'll strike you.
00:27:12And we'll force him to leave the country.
00:27:14That's a swell plan.
00:27:15Why couldn't you arrange for me to strike him?
00:27:16Ambassador Trentino is a very sensitive man.
00:27:19Perhaps if you insult him.
00:27:20He's very easy to insult.
00:27:22Why set something to Vera Moccal in his presence once and he slapped my face?
00:27:25Why didn't Vera slap your face?
00:27:26She did.
00:27:27What did you say to her?
00:27:32You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
00:27:33Where did you hear that story?
00:27:34Well, you told it to me.
00:27:35Oh, yes.
00:27:36I remember.
00:27:37I should have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me.
00:27:41Where is Trentino?
00:27:42At Mrs. Teasdale's tea party.
00:27:43Was I invited?
00:27:44No.
00:27:45Take a letter.
00:27:47You are cordially invited to attend my tea party.
00:27:51Sign Mrs. Teasdale's name and tell her I accept.
00:27:53Come on.
00:27:54Let's go.
00:27:56I've got an appointment to insult Ambassador Trentino.
00:27:57I don't want to keep him waiting.
00:27:58Step on her.
00:27:59This is the fifth trip I've made today and I haven't been anywhere yet.
00:28:26You don't seem to be making much progress with Mrs. Teasdale, huh?
00:28:30How can I?
00:28:31Every time I get her in the right mood to say yes, Firefly pops in.
00:28:35Well, this is your opportunity.
00:28:37He won't be here today.
00:28:39Are you sure?
00:28:40Positive.
00:28:41Positive.
00:28:42I helped Mrs. Teasdale with the invitation.
00:28:45Oh.
00:28:47His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly.
00:28:50Hail.
00:28:51Hail.
00:28:52Hail.
00:28:53Reunion.
00:28:54Land of the bread and bread.
00:28:57Gloria, I've waited for years.
00:28:59I can't be put off any longer.
00:29:00I love you.
00:29:01I want you.
00:29:02Can't you see I'm at your feet?
00:29:03When you get through with her feet, you can start out of mine.
00:29:05If that isn't an insult, I don't know what is.
00:29:06Gloria, I love you.
00:29:07I realize how lonely you are.
00:29:08Can't we go someplace where we can be by ourselves?
00:29:09What can this mug offer you?
00:29:10Wealth and family?
00:29:11I can't give you wealth, but we can have a little family of our own.
00:29:12Oh, Rufus.
00:29:13All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head.
00:29:15Your Excellency, I really don't know what to say.
00:29:16I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place.
00:29:18Maybe you can suggest something, but I don't know what it is.
00:29:19I don't know what to say.
00:29:20I love you.
00:29:21I love you.
00:29:22I love you.
00:29:23I want you.
00:29:24I want you.
00:29:25Can't you see I'm at your feet?
00:29:26When you get through with her feet, you can start out of mine.
00:29:27If that isn't an insult, I don't know what is.
00:29:28Gloria, I love you.
00:29:29I realize how lonely you are.
00:29:30I can offer you as a roof as over your head.
00:29:32Your Excellency, I really don't know what to say.
00:29:35I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place.
00:29:37Maybe you can suggest something.
00:29:39As a matter of fact, you do suggest something.
00:29:41To me, you suggest a baboon.
00:29:43What?
00:29:44I'm sorry I said that.
00:29:46It isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.
00:29:48This man's conduct is inexcusable.
00:29:50I did not come here to be insulted.
00:29:53That's what you think.
00:29:54You swine.
00:29:55Come again?
00:29:56You worm.
00:29:57Once more?
00:29:58You upstart.
00:29:59Touché.
00:30:00Mrs. Teaser, I'm afraid this regrettable occurrence may plunge our countries into war.
00:30:04Oh, this is terrible.
00:30:05I've said enough.
00:30:06I'm a man of few words.
00:30:07I'm a man of one words.
00:30:08Scram.
00:30:09The man doesn't live.
00:30:10Who can call a firefly an upstart?
00:30:12Why, the Mayflower was full of fireflies.
00:30:14And a few horseflies, too.
00:30:16The fireflies run the upper deck and the horseflies run the fireflies.
00:30:21Good day, my sweet.
00:30:22Oh, Your Excellency, I must speak to you.
00:30:25I'll see you at the theater tonight.
00:30:26I'll hold your seat till you get there.
00:30:28After you get there, you're on your own.
00:30:29His Excellency's car.
00:30:30His Excellency's car.
00:30:31No, no, you don't.
00:30:32I'm not taking any more chances.
00:30:33You can only fool a firefly twice.
00:30:34This time, you ride in the sidecar.
00:30:35No, no, you don't.
00:30:36I'm not taking any more chances.
00:30:37You can only fool a firefly twice.
00:30:39This time, you ride in the sidecar.
00:30:41This is the only way to travel.
00:30:42Hey, Pinky.
00:30:43Come here.
00:30:44Watch this thing.
00:30:45Come on.
00:30:46Come on.
00:30:47Come on.
00:30:48Come on.
00:30:49Come on.
00:30:50Come on.
00:30:51Come on.
00:30:52Come on.
00:30:53Come on.
00:30:54Come on.
00:30:55Come on.
00:30:56Come on.
00:30:57Come on.
00:30:58Come on.
00:30:59Come on.
00:31:00Come on.
00:31:01Hey, Pinky.
00:31:02Come here.
00:31:03Watch this thing.
00:31:04Come on.
00:31:05Come on.
00:31:06Come on.
00:31:07Come on.
00:31:08Come on.
00:31:29Come on.
00:31:59Oh!
00:32:29Mrs. Teasdale, I deeply regret the unfortunate affair with His Excellency,
00:32:34but his attitude left me no alternative.
00:32:36Maybe we can still avoid this terrible war.
00:32:39Oh, if we only could.
00:32:41Oh, yes, I do have to...
00:32:42Mrs. Teasdale, I have been recalled by my President.
00:32:45Then it's too late?
00:32:46Not if His Excellency will listen to reason.
00:32:48I am prepared to pocket my pride and forget about the whole matter if he is.
00:32:52Ambassador, that's wonderful of you, but I'm afraid His Excellency won't hear of it.
00:32:56Oh, perhaps he will listen to you.
00:32:59Do you think so?
00:33:00Yes, of course.
00:33:01I've caught him.
00:33:12I hate to disturb you.
00:33:14I know you're a very busy man, but I must see you at once.
00:33:17Where are you?
00:33:18Oh.
00:33:19Why not come over here?
00:33:21You can come in the back way.
00:33:22No one will see you.
00:33:23Well, if you think of it, bring some cheese.
00:33:25But, Your Excellency, you must come over.
00:33:29It's a long story.
00:33:30I can't tell it to you over the phone.
00:33:32Oh, it's that kind of a story.
00:33:34You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
00:33:35I'll be right over.
00:33:36He'll be right over.
00:33:38Perhaps you'd better wait outside until I've had a chance to talk to him.
00:33:40Very well.
00:33:41We'll be out here if you want us.
00:33:42Oh!
00:33:43How'd you get in here?
00:33:56Oh, Your Excellency, I'm so sorry to have to disturb you.
00:33:59Will you ever forgive me?
00:34:01After I leave here tonight, will you ever forgive me?
00:34:03Here are the plans of war.
00:34:05They're as valuable as your life.
00:34:07And that's putting them pretty cheap.
00:34:08Watch them like a cat watches her kittens.
00:34:10Have you ever had kittens?
00:34:11No, of course not.
00:34:12You're too busy running around playing bridge.
00:34:14Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you?
00:34:16I love you.
00:34:17Why don't you marry me?
00:34:18Why, marry you?
00:34:19You take me and I'll take a vacation.
00:34:20I'll need a vacation if we're going to get married.
00:34:22Married.
00:34:23I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove.
00:34:26But I can't see the stove.
00:34:28Come, come, say the word and you'll never see me again.
00:34:31Gloria.
00:34:38Rufus, what are you thinking of?
00:34:41Oh, I was just thinking of all the years I've wasted collecting stamps.
00:34:45Oh!
00:34:47Oh, uh, I suppose you'll think me a sentimental old fluff,
00:34:51but, uh, would you mind giving me a lock of your hair?
00:34:54A lock of my hair?
00:34:56Oh, I had no idea.
00:34:58I'm letting you off easy.
00:35:00I was going to ask for the whole wig.
00:35:08So, you've come to ask for clemency.
00:35:10Your Excellency, the Ambassador's here on a friendly visit.
00:35:13He's had a change of heart.
00:35:15A lot of good that'll do him.
00:35:16He's still got the same face.
00:35:17I'm sorry we lost our tempers.
00:35:19I'm willing to forget if you are.
00:35:21Forget?
00:35:22You asked me to forget?
00:35:23A firefly never forgets.
00:35:25Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves and only have to bury them again.
00:35:29Nothing doing.
00:35:30I'm going back and cleaning the crackers out of my bed.
00:35:33I'm expecting company.
00:35:34Please wait.
00:35:35Let go of me, you bully!
00:35:36I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.
00:35:40It's too late.
00:35:41I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.
00:35:43Oh, Your Excellency, isn't there something I can do?
00:35:47Yes, but I'll talk to you about that later.
00:35:49Won't you reconsider?
00:35:51Please relent, for my sake.
00:35:53Well, maybe I am a little headstrong.
00:35:56But I come by it honestly.
00:35:58My father was a little headstrong.
00:35:59My mother was a little Armstrong.
00:36:01The Headstrongs married the Armstrongs, and that's why darkies were born.
00:36:05It was silly of me to lose my temper, on account of that little thing you called me.
00:36:11Little thing I called you?
00:36:12Why, what did I call you?
00:36:13Gosh, I don't even remember what it was.
00:36:18Well, do you mean the word?
00:36:20No, that wasn't it.
00:36:22I know.
00:36:23Swine.
00:36:24Uh-uh.
00:36:25No, it was a seven-letter word.
00:36:27Oh, yes.
00:36:29Upstart.
00:36:30That's it.
00:36:31Upstart.
00:36:32Mrs. Teasdale, this man is impossible.
00:36:33This is an outrage.
00:36:34My course is clear.
00:36:35This means war.
00:36:36Oh.
00:36:37You runt.
00:36:38I still like Upstart the best.
00:36:40I shan't stay here a minute longer.
00:36:42Go, and never darken my towels again.
00:36:44My hats.
00:36:45My towels.
00:36:46Oh.
00:36:48I happen to know that Fredonia's plans of war are in Mrs. Teasdale's possession.
00:36:53I must get hold of them.
00:36:54Yes, but how?
00:36:55We have a weekend guest in Mrs. Teasdale's house, Miss Markell.
00:37:01Now, gentlemen, do you mind waiting for me outside?
00:37:03I'll join you in a moment.
00:37:04Certainly.
00:37:09Excuse me.
00:37:19Hello?
00:37:20Yes, I am alone.
00:37:21No, not yet.
00:37:22But Vera, we've got to work fast.
00:37:24You must get hold of those plans tonight.
00:37:26Chickalini and his partner should be there any minute.
00:37:28Do everything you can to help them.
00:37:29But I must be very careful.
00:37:30There's another guest staying here for the weekend.
00:37:31Firefly.
00:37:32I don't know.
00:37:33I think he's asleep.
00:37:34Firefly?
00:37:35I don't know.
00:37:36I think he's asleep.
00:37:51Ring the bell.
00:37:56Push the button.
00:37:57I got all the bells.
00:37:58Come.
00:37:59You'll see the bell.
00:38:00I can't.
00:38:01I can't.
00:38:02I can't.
00:38:03.
00:38:04The bell and the bell.
00:38:05There's a bell and the bell.
00:38:06Now watching the bell rings.
00:38:07You are coming in from there.
00:38:08He goes one night.
00:38:09Now with a bell.
00:38:10Storm.
00:38:11Mr. Teasdale's hitting the bell.
00:38:12Full door.
00:38:14All right.
00:38:15The bell rings.
00:38:16The bell rings.
00:38:17Is not good.
00:38:18I can't hear you.
00:38:19The bell rings.
00:38:20You got out the plans?
00:38:47No, but they're somewhere else in the house, and you must find them.
00:38:50Oh, for heaven's sakes, whatever you do, don't make a sound.
00:38:53If you're found, you're lost.
00:38:55Oh, you're crazy. How can I be lost if I'm found?
00:39:00Got a flashlight?
00:39:06You don't know how serious this is.
00:39:08If they catch you, you'll be court-martialed and shot.
00:39:10Oh, Vera!
00:39:12I must go before she looks for me.
00:39:17Now remember, whatever you do, don't make a sound.
00:39:42I'll use the gun for you.
00:39:44I'm to marry the man.
00:39:45I was so surprised.
00:39:46You say it's the daddy's son of a man.
00:39:48Get out of here!
00:39:50Tell them what he told me to do, and I say to you.
00:39:53The man, you say to you.
00:39:55They say to me, to you.
00:39:56Tell them what he does.
00:39:57She said to you.
00:39:58The man's son.
00:39:59She said to me!
00:40:00I say to you.
00:40:01I said to you.
00:40:02She said to me, it's not necessary to do this.
00:40:04I said to me, she said.
00:40:05The chair has been a dentist.
00:40:06I said to you.
00:40:07He said to you, I said to you.
00:40:08The chair has been a dentist.
00:40:09Yeah, I said to you.
00:40:10But keep quiet. Remember what she said.
00:40:12If we get caught, we're going to get caught plastered.
00:40:23Your Excellency, I'm worried. I can't sleep.
00:40:26What? You're worried? You can't sleep?
00:40:30That's fine. Now you woke me up. Now I can't sleep.
00:40:32It's about those plans. I won't rest until they're back in your hands.
00:40:36Won't you please come over and get them?
00:40:39Oh, the plans. Okay, I'll be right over.
00:40:49Let me out. Let me out.
00:40:56Let me out of here. Hey, let me out of here or throw me a magazine.
00:41:00Well, that's your game, eh?
00:41:06I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your door in.
00:41:17Come in.
00:41:21Oh, Your Excellency, I'm so glad you've come.
00:41:24I'm glad I come too. You got other plans?
00:41:27Why, Your Excellency, you sound so strange.
00:41:30Why are you talking like that?
00:41:31Oh, well, you see, maybe sometime I'll go to Italy and I'm practicing the language.
00:41:34I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as you graduate some law school.
00:41:49Your dialect is perfect. I could listen to you all night.
00:41:53That's all right, but I can't stay here all night.
00:41:55Where's the plans?
00:41:56They're in the safe downstairs. I'd write out the combination.
00:41:59Oh, there you are. Here's the combination. Is that clear?
00:42:16Is there anything else you want to know?
00:42:19What's the matter with you? Have you lost your voice?
00:42:23Let me get you a glass of water. Your Excellency.
00:42:27Your Excellency.
00:42:32Your Excellency, here's your water.
00:42:34What in the world's the matter?
00:42:40Your Excellency, I thought you'd left.
00:42:42Oh, no, I no leave.
00:42:44But I saw you with my own eyes.
00:42:46Well, who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
00:42:51Your Excellency, I'm sorry, but this excitement's too much for me.
00:42:54I feel fake.
00:42:55Wait. I'll get you a glass of water.
00:42:57Oh.
00:42:58How about my glass of water?
00:42:59I give up. How about your glass of water?
00:43:00I give up. How about your glass of water?
00:43:01I give up. How about your glass of water?
00:43:02I give up. How about your glass of water?
00:43:03I give up. How about your glass of water?
00:43:08I give up. How about your glass of water?
00:43:11I give up. How about your glass of water?
00:43:15How about your glass of water?
00:43:16How about your glass of water?
00:43:17How about your glass of water?
00:43:21Let's go.
00:43:51What's that?
00:44:06Sounds to me like mice.
00:44:08Mice? Mice don't play music.
00:44:10No? How about the old maestro?
00:44:21Get me headquarters.
00:44:33Not hindquarters. Headquarters.
00:44:35Hello?
00:44:36Rush the guards right over to Mrs. T. Zales and have them surround the house.
00:44:39Rush the guards.
00:45:09Rush the guards.
00:45:39Rush the guards.
00:48:11Take this bottle if I can get two cents for it.
00:48:15Hello, boss.
00:48:16Ciccolini, I'll bet you ain't the one we find you guilty.
00:48:18That's no good.
00:48:19I can get ten to one at the barbershop.
00:48:22Ciccolini, you're charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you'll be shot.
00:48:26I object.
00:48:26Oh, you object.
00:48:28On what grounds?
00:48:29I couldn't think of anything else to say.
00:48:31Objection sustained.
00:48:32Your excellency, you sustained the objection.
00:48:34Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say either.
00:48:36Why don't you object?
00:48:38Ciccolini, when were you born?
00:48:40I don't remember.
00:48:41I was just a little baby.
00:48:43Isn't it true you tried to sell Fredonia's secret war code and plans?
00:48:47Sure, I sold the code and two pair of plans.
00:48:51It's some joke, eh, boss?
00:48:52No, I bet you 20 to 1 we find you guilty.
00:48:55Ciccolini, have you anyone here to defend you?
00:48:57It's no use.
00:48:59I even offered to pay as high as $18, but I know good to get somebody to defend me.
00:49:03My friends, this man's case moves me deeply.
00:49:07Look at Ciccolini.
00:49:09He sits there alone.
00:49:12An abject figure.
00:49:13I object.
00:49:15I say, look at Ciccolini.
00:49:17He sits there alone.
00:49:18A pitiable object.
00:49:20Let's see you get out of that one.
00:49:22Surrounded by a sea of unfriendly faces.
00:49:24Ciccolini, give me your number from 1 to 10.
00:49:2711.
00:49:27Right.
00:49:28Now I ask you one.
00:49:30What is it has a trunk with no key?
00:49:32Weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in a circus.
00:49:34That's irrelevant.
00:49:35Irrelevant?
00:49:36Hey, that's the answer.
00:49:37There's a whole lot of relevance in a circus.
00:49:39That sort of testimony we can eliminate.
00:49:41That's a fine.
00:49:42I'll take some.
00:49:43You'll take what?
00:49:44Eliminate.
00:49:45A nice cold glass of lemonade.
00:49:46Hey, boss, I'm going to good.
00:49:49Gentlemen, Ciccolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot,
00:49:53but don't let that fool you.
00:49:54He really is an idiot.
00:49:56I implore you.
00:49:57Send him back to his father and brothers who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary.
00:50:03I suggest that we give him 10 years in Leavenworth or 11 years in 12 worth.
00:50:06I'll tell you what I'll do.
00:50:07I'll take 5 and 10 in Woolworth.
00:50:08I wanted to get rid of habeas corpus, but I should have gotten rid of you instead.
00:50:11I object.
00:50:12Even I object.
00:50:13Then I object, too.
00:50:14You're on trial.
00:50:14You can't object.
00:50:15Your Excellency.
00:50:17General Cooper says that the Sylvanian troops are about to land on Fedonia's soil.
00:50:21This means war.
00:50:22Something must be done.
00:50:24War would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes.
00:50:26Hey, I got an uncle lives in taxes.
00:50:28No, I'm talking about taxes, money, dollars.
00:50:31Dallas.
00:50:32There's where my uncle lives.
00:50:33Dallas taxes.
00:50:37More bad news.
00:50:42Didn't I tell you?
00:50:44Your Excellency.
00:50:45What's on your mind, babe?
00:50:46In behalf of the women of Fedonia, I have taken it upon myself to make one final effort to prevent war.
00:50:52No kidding.
00:50:53I've talked to Ambassador Trentino, and he says Sylvania doesn't want war either.
00:50:57Either.
00:50:58Doesn't want war either.
00:51:00Either.
00:51:01Skip it.
00:51:02I've taken the liberty of asking the Ambassador to come over here,
00:51:05because we both felt that a friendly conference would settle everything peacefully.
00:51:11He'll be here any moment.
00:51:12Mrs. Teasdale, you did a noble deed.
00:51:14I'd be unworthy of the high trust that's been placed in me
00:51:17if I didn't do everything within my power
00:51:18to keep our beloved Fedonia at peace with the world.
00:51:21I'd be only too happy to meet Ambassador Trentino
00:51:23and offer him on behalf of my country the right hand of good fellowship.
00:51:27And I feel sure that he will accept this gesture in the spirit in which it is offered.
00:51:31But suppose he doesn't.
00:51:33A fine thing that'll be.
00:51:34I hold out my hand, and he refuses to accept it.
00:51:37That'll add a lot to my prestige, won't it?
00:51:39Me, the head of a country snubbed by a foreign ambassador.
00:51:42Who does he think he is?
00:51:43That he can come here and make a sap out of me in front of all my people.
00:51:47Think of it.
00:51:47I hold out my hand, and that hyena refuses to accept it.
00:51:51Why, the cheap ball-flushing swine?
00:51:53He'll never get away with it, I tell you.
00:51:55He'll never get away with it.
00:51:56Oh, please.
00:51:57So, you refuse to shake hands with me, eh?
00:52:00Mrs. Teasdale, this is the last straw.
00:52:02There's no turning back now.
00:52:02This means war.
00:52:03And that's war!
00:52:09And that's war!
00:52:11Gather the forces!
00:52:12Arm us the horses!
00:52:14It's war!
00:52:17Fredonia's going to war!
00:52:18Each native son will grab a gun and run away to war.
00:52:21At last we're going to beat the freedom on the street to war!
00:52:24At last the country's going to war!
00:52:27At last the country's going to war!
00:52:28At last the country's going to war!
00:52:30We're going to war!
00:52:31This is a fact we can't ignore!
00:52:32We're going to war!
00:52:34This is a fact we can't ignore!
00:52:35We're going to war!
00:52:37In case you haven't heard before, I think they think we're going to war!
00:52:39I think they think we're going to war!
00:52:41We're going to war!
00:52:42I think they think we're going to war!
00:52:44We're going to war!
00:52:45We're going to war!
00:52:47We're going to war!
00:52:48We're going to war.
00:53:18We're going to war.
00:53:48We're going to war.
00:54:18We're going to war.
00:54:48We're going to war.
00:55:18The enemy is coming! There'll be two lamps in the steeple if they're coming by land, and one if they're coming by sea.
00:55:36They've double-crossed me. They're coming by land and sea.
00:55:39Fly through every village and town. Wake every citizen uphill and down.
00:55:43Tell them the enemy comes from afar with a ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
00:55:47Be off, my lad!
00:56:17My husband!
00:56:19Peggy, hide him there.
00:56:23My husband!
00:56:25Peggy, hide him there.
00:56:29Peggy, hide him there.
00:56:31Fredonia's going to war!
00:56:33I'm gonna take a bath!
00:56:35I'm gonna take a bath!
00:56:37I'm gonna take a bath!
00:56:41I'm gonna take a bath!
00:56:43I'm gonna take a bath!
00:56:47I'm gonna take a bath!
00:56:49I'm gonna take a bath!
00:56:51I'm gonna take a bath!
00:56:53I'm gonna take a bath!
00:56:55I'm gonna take a bath!
00:56:57I'm gonna take a bath!
00:56:59I'm gonna take a bath!
00:57:03I'm gonna take a bath!
00:57:05Oh, my God.
00:57:35Oh, my God.
00:58:05Oh, my God.
00:58:07Oh, my God.
00:58:09Oh, my God.
00:58:11Send reinforcements immediately.
00:58:12Send it off.
00:58:12Collect.
00:58:15Yes, presidency.
00:58:15Our men are being badly beaten in open warfare.
00:58:18I suggest we dig trenches.
00:58:19Dig trenches?
00:58:20With our men being killed off like flies, there isn't time to dig trenches.
00:58:22We're buying ready-made.
00:58:23Here, run out and get some trenches.
00:58:24Yes, sir.
00:58:25Wait a minute.
00:58:26Get them this high and our soldiers won't need any pants.
00:58:27Yes, sir.
00:58:28Wait a minute.
00:58:29Get them this high and we won't need any soldiers.
00:58:31Yes, sir.
00:58:32Ciccolini, your partner's deserted us, but I'm still counting on you.
00:58:34There's a machine gun nest near Hill 28.
00:58:36I want it cleaned out.
00:58:37All right.
00:58:37I'll tell the janitor.
00:58:39Message from the front, sir.
00:58:40Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front.
00:58:42Don't we ever get a message from the side?
00:58:46What is it?
00:58:47General Smith reports a gas attack.
00:58:48He wants to know what to do.
00:58:49Come to take a teaspoon full of bicarbonate soda and a half a glass of water.
00:58:52Yes, sir.
00:58:52Any answer to that message?
00:58:57No, sir.
00:58:58Well, in that case, don't send us.
00:59:09Gentlemen, this is the last straw.
00:59:11Where's my Stradivarius?
00:59:12Here, sir.
00:59:14I'll show them they can't fiddle around with old Firefly.
00:59:16Look at them run.
00:59:22Now they know they've been in a war.
00:59:24Your Excellency.
00:59:25They're fleeing like rats.
00:59:26But, sir, I've got the chance to...
00:59:27Remind me to give myself the Firefly medal for this.
00:59:30Your Excellency, you're shooting your own men.
00:59:32What?
00:59:33You're shooting your own men.
00:59:35Here's five dollars.
00:59:36Keep it under your hat.
00:59:37Never mind.
00:59:37I'll keep it under my hat.
00:59:40Now we've got to have more men or we're lost.
00:59:41Don't be a liar.
00:59:42I've got a man combing the countryside for volunteers.
00:59:46Your Excellency, the army's morale is crumbling.
00:59:53The men are breaking ranks.
00:59:55Where's the Secretary of War?
00:59:55That's it.
00:59:56Where is the Secretary of War?
00:59:57The soldiers are waiting for his orders.
00:59:59His Excellency, the Secretary of War.
01:00:07Awfully decent of you to drop in today.
01:00:09Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat?
01:00:11What do you intend to do about it?
01:00:12I've done it already.
01:00:13You've done what?
01:00:14I've changed to the other side.
01:00:15So, you're on the other side, eh?
01:00:17Well, what are you doing over here?
01:00:18Well, the food is better over here.
01:00:25Ciccolini, I need your battery right now.
01:00:27Why don't you take the comeback and work for me again?
01:00:29I'll take a vacation.
01:00:30Good.
01:00:30You're hired.
01:00:31Now, go out on that battlefield and lead those men to victory.
01:00:34Go on.
01:00:34They're waiting for you.
01:00:35I wouldn't go out there unless I was in one of those big iron things.
01:00:40Go up and down like this.
01:00:40What do you call all of those things?
01:00:42Thanks.
01:00:42You're welcome.
01:00:45Your Excellency, you must come over here at once.
01:00:48There is danger here.
01:00:49Why not come over here?
01:00:50There's no danger here.
01:00:51What do you call the floor?
01:00:52What do you call the floor?
01:00:52Then what do you call it?
01:00:54How do you call it?
01:00:57Ciccolini, you must come over here.
01:00:58Ciccolini, you must come over here.
01:01:00Wait a minute. I want to find out something.
01:01:18Just as I thought. The coast is clear.
01:01:20Bruce!
01:01:21Billy, you'll be your coast.
01:01:24Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor,
01:01:25which is probably more than she ever did.
01:01:27You reckon, Steve?
01:01:28There goes my gun.
01:01:30Run out and get that like a good girl.
01:01:31Go out of the way!
01:01:32We can't last much longer.
01:01:34Our ammunition supplies are very low.
01:01:35Man the boats, Lieutenant, and I'll get help.
01:01:44Call the All Nations. Call the All Nations.
01:01:46This is Rufus D...
01:01:47This is Rufus D. Firefly coming to you
01:01:51through the courtesy of the enemy.
01:01:52We're in a mess, folks. We're in a mess.
01:01:54Rush to Fredonia.
01:01:55Three men and one woman are trapped in a building.
01:01:56Send help at once.
01:01:57If he can't send help, send two more women.
01:02:01Make it three more women.
01:02:03Your Excellency, we can't hold out much longer.
01:02:05We must have help.
01:02:12One of us has got to break through the lines
01:02:13and get word of General Cooper and his men.
01:02:15Which one of us...
01:02:16Why back there?
01:02:18Which one of us is going to have the rare privilege
01:02:20of sacrificing his life for his country?
01:02:21We've drawn a lot.
01:02:22Wait.
01:02:23Wait. I got it.
01:02:23I did it wrong.
01:02:32Wait. Wait. Wait.
01:02:33I start here.
01:02:35That's no good, too.
01:02:41Oh, I got it. I got it.
01:02:44You're a brave man.
01:02:46Go and break through the lines.
01:02:47And remember, while you're out there
01:02:48risking life and limb through shot and shell,
01:02:50we'll be in here thinking what a sucker you are.
01:02:53Goodbye.
01:02:53Home blank. Goodbye.
01:02:55Poor Fredonia.
01:02:56Poor Fredonia.
01:02:57Poor Fredonia.
01:02:57Poor Fredonia.
01:03:02Gloria.
01:03:02Gloria.
01:03:03Where did they get you?
01:03:06Hey, careful with the water.
01:03:08Well, it's the only water we got.
01:03:09Well, it's the only woman we got.
01:03:17We're surrounded.
01:03:18They're attacking from the rear.
01:03:19They're coming this way.
01:03:20We'll better take a little while.
01:03:21Now, let's go.
01:03:31This is Firefly talking.
01:03:32Send a help at once.
01:03:33Help is on the way.
01:03:35Carry on, men.
01:03:36Help is on the way.
01:03:37They got me.
01:04:02They got me.
01:04:03Water.
01:04:04Water.
01:04:07Get me out of there.
01:04:17Get me out of there.
01:04:20The last time this happened to me,
01:04:21I was falling under a bed.
01:04:23Oh, the help would only come.
01:04:26Your Excellency.
01:04:27Any mail from me while I was gone?
01:04:40Hmm?
01:04:40Oh, don't listen to me.
01:04:43Shoot away from me.
01:04:46Oh!
01:04:46Oh!
01:04:48Oh!
01:04:49Sure.
01:04:49Hey, Trentino.
01:04:57Trentino, eh?
01:04:58That's game.
01:05:02Trentino!
01:05:03Trentino, eh?
01:05:03Yeah.
01:05:04Call me an upstart, eh?
01:05:06I surrender.
01:05:08I surrender.
01:05:09I'm sorry.
01:05:09You'll have to wait until the foot runs off.
01:05:11Victory is on!
01:05:18Victory is on!
01:05:18Hail, hail, Fredonia!
01:05:20London!
01:05:21Hail, hail, Queen, Queen!
01:05:22Oh, I surrender.
01:05:23Hail, hail, Queen, Queen!
01:05:28Hooray!
01:05:29Hail, Hail, Queen!
01:05:30Hail, Queen!
01:05:31Hail, Queen!
01:05:33Hooray!
01:05:34Hail, Queen!
01:05:35Hooray!
01:05:35The End
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