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00:00Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
00:30Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
01:00Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
01:30Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
02:00Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
02:29Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
02:31Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
02:33Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
02:35Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
02:37Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
02:39Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
02:41Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
02:43Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
02:45Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
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02:53Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
02:55...if she's not coming?
02:57If... who's not coming?
03:01Gorgo.
03:05Is this the DMOA?
03:07Oh, yes.
03:08I should think so.
03:10No, it definitely is.
03:12They haven't changed our name or anything.
03:15They would have told us.
03:17We wouldn't have listened.
03:19It says DMOA on the door.
03:21Oh, that's us then.
03:24You see, let me explain. My name's Alexandra Collins.
03:27I'm doing an audit for the MOD.
03:29I'm from the Strategic Planning Department.
03:31Well, how do you do, Miss Collins?
03:33I am Mr. Archibald.
03:36I am in charge of this whole department.
03:40And this is my junior colleague, Mr. Turnstall.
03:43I am the whole department.
03:45Delighted to meet you. May I offer you a cup of tea?
03:48Oh, thank you. One sugar, please.
03:51One thing at a time, young lady. We haven't even warmed the pot yet.
04:03It should be ready in, oh, ten or fifteen minutes.
04:10Quite speedy, this thing.
04:12Um, thank you.
04:14Anyway, um, as I was saying, I'm doing an audit and I came across several references to the DMOA, but nobody I spoke to actually knew what it was.
04:25So I thought the best thing to do was come down and see for myself.
04:29Took me quite a while to find you, I can tell you.
04:32Well, this is one of the larger buildings owned by the Ministry of Defence, but we are rather tucked away.
04:40Frankly, I don't think too many people come down this end of the building anymore.
04:44Yeah, it took me ages to find someone who actually knew where you were.
04:47Eventually I found a guy in IT who said he'd delivered a computer to you about four years ago.
04:52A what?
04:54A computer?
04:56That thing, I presume.
04:58Oh, yes, that whole thing.
05:01It doesn't work.
05:03Both bits are completely kaput.
05:06The television and the typewriter.
05:10You see, the thing is, I need to know, for my audit, a little bit about the DMOA.
05:19What it is you do, how cost-effective you are, how efficient you are.
05:27You are?
05:28Oh, efficiency.
05:29Well, that would be 100%, I should think.
05:32After all, he's never come back.
05:34She.
05:36She's never come back.
05:37Who?
05:39Gorgo.
05:40Right.
05:42Okay.
05:44You see, let's start from the beginning.
05:48I can't find anything anywhere which says what DMOA actually stands for, so why don't we start there?
05:57It is the Department of Monsters and Oversized Animals.
06:01A lot of people think that the O stands for other, other animals, but it is specifically oversized ones.
06:08Oversize?
06:09Yes.
06:10They need to be, at a minimum, 25% larger than the previously recorded greatest size.
06:21Wasn't it 100% to start with?
06:23Oh, yes.
06:24A hundred percent larger.
06:26They had to be twice as big as the previous British record.
06:32But then they dropped it to 50%.
06:36And then, in 1979, they made it 25%.
06:41Now, much below that figure, of course, you find yourself dealing with things that are merely large.
06:49As opposed to oversized.
06:52Giant would be the layman's way of putting it, but giant isn't a ministerial word. Oversize is.
06:58She was oversized.
07:00He?
07:01Oh, no.
07:02She.
07:03Oh, yes.
07:05Gorgo.
07:06Yes.
07:09But what do you do?
07:11Sorry.
07:13You two.
07:14The Department of Monsters and Oversized Animals.
07:18We are civil servants.
07:21Working for His Majesty.
07:22Her Majesty?
07:24Really?
07:25Oh, yes.
07:26Yes.
07:27I understand your civil servants.
07:28I'm a civil servant, too.
07:30This is the Ministry of Defence.
07:31It's part of the civil service.
07:34I remember when it was the War Office.
07:37But what do you personally do?
07:41Do you have job descriptions?
07:43Young lady, we are the country's first line of defence, should Gorgo ever return, or indeed some similar creature.
07:52And who, or what, is Gorgo?
07:56They don't teach them anything in schools nowadays.
07:59Forty years ago, give or take, London was attacked. As I'm sure you know.
08:07The Blitz?
08:08No, that was years before. That was the Germans. I'm talking about Gorgo the Monster.
08:17Monster?
08:19It was a huge reptilian beast. Its offspring was caught off the coast of Ireland, brought to London and displayed as an entertainment.
08:28The mother creature came to retrieve her baby, came up the Thames.
08:31A lot of destruction and a dreadful standoff with the army. It was a terrible, terrible thing. It was in all the papers.
08:41A giant monster? Like a dragon or a dinosaur?
08:46Those are layman's terms, but yes, broadly like that.
08:51Came up the Thames and attacked London?
08:54Yes.
08:56A monster?
08:57Yes.
08:58A giant monster?
09:01Yes.
09:03Called Gorgo?
09:04Yes.
09:08And what did you two do?
09:10Nothing. We weren't there.
09:11The DMOA was set up a year or so later, which was quite a large department at the time. And all hush-hush, but deemed absolutely vital to the nation's defences.
09:28You see, you were here at the start. I joined a little later, after the glory days.
09:35Gradually, the department was whittled down by, what was it called?
09:40Budget cuts.
09:42Budget cuts.
09:44And now there's just us.
09:45But you know, the DMOA is still a vital part of the nation's defences. That is why we are still here. Because we are completely effective.
10:01Look, no offence or anything, but I don't think anyone knows that you're here.
10:09They pay us every month.
10:11Well, yeah, that's what cleared me on to you. In my oldest I came across your salaries and I couldn't work out what we were paying you for.
10:18You're paying us to do the same job that we've always done, and done extremely well, I might add.
10:25Which is?
10:28We keep the monsters away.
10:31You keep the monsters away?
10:34No.
10:36Tell me, when was the last time that London was attacked by a monster?
10:41Or an oversized animal?
10:44I don't recall London ever being attacked by a monster.
10:46Well, there you have it. What more proof do you need? He never came back.
10:52She?
10:54She never came back.
10:56No. No. There was never a monster. Never a Gorgo. It didn't happen. It can't have done.
11:06We've got photographs.
11:09I would have heard about it. It'd be famous. It'd be really well known, wouldn't it?
11:16Ah.
11:22There she is.
11:23She?
11:25I said she.
11:26So you did.
11:27You did.
11:40This is Gorgo?
11:42Yes. That's the mother. Big, wasn't she?
11:46I've seen this somewhere before.
11:47Gorgo.
11:48Gorgo.
11:50Gorgo.
11:52In my flat.
11:54My flatmate has a film about this.
11:58She has this on DVD.
12:01This picture is the cover of the DVD.
12:04DVD? Department of...
12:07DVD.
12:08I see.
12:09It's like a video.
12:11Video.
12:12Video. I see.
12:14You know what a video is?
12:16It's Latin for I see.
12:21Look, let me call my flatmate Susie.
12:23I think I may know what's going on here.
12:31Hi. Hi Susie.
12:33Listen, you know those old monster films you like?
12:36Yeah.
12:38Is there one called Gorgo?
12:41Yeah, in London.
12:43And was that in Ireland?
12:46Yeah, brilliant.
12:48No, no, look, I'll tell you when I get home.
12:50Okay. No, thanks. Thanks.
12:51Okay, bye.
12:54That is the smallest walkie-talkie that I have ever seen.
12:58Right. I think I know what's happened.
13:01Sort of.
13:03A long time ago, a long, long way down the line,
13:08there's been an awful mistake.
13:09You see...
13:12Gorgo...
13:14was a film.
13:16Yes, they did make a film about it, yes.
13:18A documentary.
13:20No, it wasn't a documentary.
13:22It's...
13:23It's a film.
13:25Gorgo isn't a giant monster.
13:28Not in real life.
13:30It's a man in a costume.
13:32A special effect.
13:34There is no Gorgo.
13:37There never was.
13:40I'm sorry.
13:42Well, of course there's a Gorgo.
13:45No, it was just a movie.
13:48If London had ever been attacked by a giant monster for real,
13:52I think I would have heard about it.
13:55You're very young.
13:57I've heard about the Blitz.
13:59Wait a moment. Don't you remember?
14:00They made that film, and didn't they use real footage of the monster?
14:06Did they?
14:08Yes.
14:10They were worried about panic.
14:12So they decided the best thing to do was to pretend it never happened.
14:16Of course, you had all these people who'd seen it, but how could they convince them that they hadn't seen it?
14:22Make a film.
14:24You're right.
14:26This is ringing a bell with me now.
14:28So everyone who remembered seeing the boo-ha-ha with the army and the monster, over time, became convinced that they were just remembering having seen it at the pictures.
14:38It was rather clever of them, wasn't it?
14:41No. No, look, I'm really sorry, but no.
14:45There are no giant monsters in the world.
14:49It's pretend.
14:51It never happened.
14:53Never?
14:55No. Now, look, I don't want you to think you've been wasting your lives away down here, because what you've done, I'm sure it's been really important.
15:05But it all stems from some big misunderstanding.
15:11Probably decades ago, someone somewhere must have seen that old film and mistaken it for reality.
15:18And I guess the whole of the DMOA derives from that.
15:23And, of course, the MOD, God bless its bureaucratic little heart, is so ridiculously complex and convoluted that all the while you've been sitting here.
15:32All those years.
15:38Nobody knew you were there.
15:40And so they couldn't let you know that there are no monsters.
15:48No monsters?
15:49There's not even any oversized animals.
15:53I'm sorry.
15:55So the film that we thought was pretend, in order to pretend that what was real really didn't happen, it really was pretend?
16:03Um, I think so, yeah.
16:07All those years.
16:10Decades.
16:12My whole life.
16:14I'm so, so sorry.
16:17Somebody should have let you know.
16:18It's been a waste.
16:21The filing.
16:22Our salaries.
16:23Us.
16:24All just chasing an illusion.
16:27A special effect.
16:29One person, forty years ago, fills in a form wrong or misfiles a report.
16:36And something that should have been fiction is recorded as fact.
16:40A department is created that serves no purpose and nobody ever thinks to close it down.
16:46You shouldn't have found out like this.
16:51You're sure?
16:53You're quite positive?
16:54You're sure Gorgo never existed outside of this film, this special effect?
17:00I'm quite, quite sure.
17:03There are no such things as giant monsters.
17:06And even if there were, no giant monster has ever swum up the Thames and attacked London.
17:14I can assure you of that.
17:21Well then, excuse me, but...
17:29Whose tooth is this?
17:36The new house ish and a woman.
17:39I'm trying to imagine that.
17:40I mean that it's a supernatural example.
17:43I think that sent it off to my neck.
17:44I don't know what happened to myальная student.
17:47I'm tired, I'm tired.
17:48But I shot a bathroom forward but I think it's just pastoralcm.
17:51I didn't love that one, except for a secret child.
17:54I hate it and I should be approached by her.
17:55I was all a good and not too bad.
17:57I wake up there, because the father was a 1944-shirevar.
18:00What's theía meeting, the trigger of that, like this football team and I've been welcomed?
18:03Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
18:33Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
19:03Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
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