- 6 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00You know, she was saying some really fucked up shit to me while he was sleeping.
00:11Astrid.
00:12She was like telling me to get the fuck out of the house.
00:14I want to hang with my mama.
00:17That's really rude.
00:19You shouldn't be saying that to our guest.
00:20What else did you say?
00:22You said I was broke.
00:23You said I'm not as cool as I think I am.
00:26You said I had big waist man energy.
00:28I told you not to say that.
00:29That is so mean.
00:31She's a monster.
00:32I'm sorry.
00:34Fuck.
00:35I need to go.
00:36Oh shit.
00:37You know I could come with you.
00:38I mean the pictures of the house are so gorgeous.
00:40It's basically the estate I came here for.
00:43It's basically princess diaries.
00:45Yeah, I feel like going to parents is more of a be invited than invite yourself thing, no?
00:51Well, I thought we were kind of past that.
00:53Look, we've got time.
00:55It's just like I have stuff to sort out today.
00:59This can be boring.
01:00I guess I wish I knew what stuff it was, but I don't want to be pushy.
01:04Then don't be pushy.
01:07See you later.
01:08You're awesome.
01:10Tell your mom I said hi if she asks who you're fucking during sex.
01:14I don't know.
01:19I mean, it's not a UTI.
01:21I've had those before.
01:22Okay, yeast infection?
01:24Nope.
01:24It could be chlamydia.
01:26I don't know.
01:27You know.
01:28Okay, honey.
01:29I'm actually really busy on my land acknowledgments committee, and it's a Zoom meeting.
01:34So I'm going to just pass you on to grandma, okay?
01:37Finally.
01:37Right now, finally.
01:38Okay.
01:39Hello, honey.
01:42I hear your poom poom hurts.
01:45Wow.
01:46Word really travels fast.
01:48Is it a shallow pain or very deep on penetration?
01:52No, it's like really deep.
01:53It's like deep, deep inside of my body.
01:55Okay.
01:56Back in my time, we had a name for that.
02:00Honeymoon cystitis.
02:01What does that mean?
02:03You've overused the item.
02:05Wow.
02:07For only having sex with one person, you really know a lot.
02:09It's funny because I started our honeymoon a virgin.
02:14The first night, I was too tight.
02:17Just so nervous.
02:19The whole boat to Cuba.
02:21I couldn't do it.
02:22It was like my nunu was so shut.
02:25When we got to Cuba, we met up with our friends, Nance and Charlie.
02:31Charlie says he wants to go to this exclusive club.
02:35Moments later, before we even ordered entrees, there was this woman on stage shooting golf
02:42balls right out her puss.
02:45A tiny man was catching them in his mouth.
02:49Oh, my God.
02:52Did you, like, freak?
02:53No, I didn't freak.
02:55I thought, well, if she could shoot golf balls, I could handle one mid-sized schlong.
03:01And you know what?
03:03After that, we had an amazingly adventurous sexual life.
03:07And I got to know that woman.
03:09And I became her understudy.
03:12Okay, that's an amazing story.
03:14It's hilarious in all the right places.
03:16I just, I don't know what to do about my sore insides right now.
03:19Oh, well, you just tell your guy.
03:22I adore you.
03:24You drive me wild.
03:25But we're overusing the hardware.
03:27Look at all these other cars.
03:31Well, that looks like a piece of shit.
03:32Look at the grey one.
03:32Yeah.
03:33No, look at the grey one properly.
03:35That looks like it's worth less than this car to me.
03:38I'm doing you a favour because I like your shoes.
03:45Okay, fine.
03:46Yeah.
03:46Yeah?
03:47Grand.
03:47Yeah.
03:47Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:49Yeah.
03:49Yeah.
03:50Yeah.
03:50Yeah.
03:51Yeah.
03:51Yeah.
03:52Yeah.
03:52Yeah.
03:53Yeah.
03:54Yeah.
03:55Yeah.
03:56Yeah.
03:57He's got long, skinny legs and holes in his pants.
04:07I love the way he sings.
04:10I've never really seen it dance.
04:13Cause it's me.
04:15I made you in my intent.
04:19If I ask you to understand.
04:23I see what I see.
04:27I see what I see.
04:30That I see what I see.
04:33Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
04:45Hi.
05:05What?
05:08How do you do?
05:11You look so sour.
05:13Like you have a big chip over your shoulders.
05:16I'm waiting for 40 minutes.
05:18I had to watch a bunch of school children
05:20dance into their parents' arms.
05:22It was like 1997 all over again.
05:24So, dance into mine.
05:27Come on, baby.
05:30Dance, my little old baby.
05:33Hi, hi, hi. Hello.
05:35How are you?
05:36I'm all right, yeah.
05:38Oh, my.
05:42My little one.
05:44Okay.
06:02The dog.
06:03Yeah, right?
06:04Mm.
06:05Crazy.
06:06Yeah.
06:07She looks sick.
06:10Is she to die soon?
06:12No, she's not dying.
06:13That's just like what she looks like.
06:15She's expressing so much with her eyes.
06:19She's saying love me well.
06:24I have to go from here or something.
06:26The dog?
06:27Yeah.
06:28Mama, I'm showing you the picture because of the girl.
06:32This girl?
06:35This girl, yeah.
06:37Ah.
06:38She feels so late.
06:45She won't blow away.
06:48Yeah, okay.
06:49But I like Jacqueline's eyes.
06:53Jessica?
06:54Do you mean Jessica?
06:55I call her what makes sense to me.
06:58Okay.
06:59All right.
07:02How is, uh...
07:04How's Pa doing?
07:06You know, he's focused.
07:09He's going to get us out of this.
07:12I feel like it's a bit late for that.
07:15Kind of running out of luck, don't you think?
07:18I actually feel like if you just accepted that,
07:22then, like, you two could just get on and enjoy your lives for once.
07:25No, no, no, no, no, no, Fifi.
07:27He is my knight in shining armour.
07:31I chose him, so what choice do I have now but to believe?
07:41No, not to believe.
07:42To know.
07:46You want to stop by the old house?
07:49No, thanks.
07:50Maybe we'll buy it back, hmm?
07:54Maybe you can't live there with none again.
07:58James Setter?
07:59Jessica.
08:00Jessica.
08:01Jessica.
08:02Jessica, maybe.
08:03Yeah.
08:04Your baby sleeps in your old bed.
08:07You never know.
08:26Mm-hmm.
08:27There it is.
08:30Look at her.
08:37I mean, it's not our house.
08:39We haven't lived there for, what, like,
08:41two or five years?
08:4214 years.
08:46OK.
08:49Shall we go?
08:50What the fuck?
08:51What the fuck?
08:53They leave the door unlocked.
08:57I check every day.
09:01You're trying to get me arrested for trespassing or something?
09:07You can't be arrested in your own home.
09:10Once you're home, always you're home.
09:13It's not how it works.
09:14That's not the law.
09:16no one in the house.
09:17It's not that long.
09:18That's not how I can't go.
09:19I have to go.
09:23OK.
09:24Fuck it.
09:25You coming?
09:27I stay here.
09:28Smorgashoi.
09:30Cool.
09:31Well, they can both get arrested on separate charges.
09:33Oh, my God.
10:03Not terribly bad, eh?
10:23It's amazing.
10:24I rode that in only ten minutes after Ma ran away for the weekend with Leland Fellows.
10:33I love it.
10:44What are you thinking?
10:46Huh, Fifi?
10:48Well, it's a...
10:49No, no, no, don't tell me, darling, please.
10:58Don't hang up, please, Baron, please.
11:01I love you so much.
11:04I can't promise I won't do something awful.
11:09You don't need anybody who makes you sad.
11:12How did you get so wise, my wise little boy?
11:17I...
11:18You know why you're here, don't you, Felix?
11:21I...
11:22I think so.
11:25I work hard for this life and to pay for you to attend a very fine school.
11:31And the deal is, you must at least try not to let yourself down and let me down in the process.
11:40And this.
11:43This just shows you aren't even trying.
11:53It's okay.
11:55You come in.
11:57Are you alright, Mama?
11:58Your father, he lives in his own world, so...
12:11Here I am in my own world.
12:16Hmm?
12:19Mama?
12:20Pa?
12:29When do they come back?
12:31When will who come back?
12:33Pa and Mama have been gone for so long.
12:36I don't feel so well.
12:37I have a fever.
12:38Who's looking after you?
12:40Who cooks for you?
12:41Who cleans for you?
12:42Who makes your dinner?
12:43You do.
12:45And who's here when you wake up and when you go to sleep?
12:49You are.
12:50When will you get it through your head?
12:53They aren't here.
12:55Now tell me you love me.
12:59I love you.
13:01Say it again, louder.
13:03I love you.
13:08Hey.
13:09Hey, my boy.
13:13Well, I hope you have most of your hungry feelings,
13:15because this is quite sour-hearted roast.
13:17You know we're not a hired helper.
13:18Do you want to lend us a hand?
13:20Yeah, I don't have to.
13:21I'm sorry that I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
13:22I'm sorry.
13:23I'm sorry.
13:24I'm sorry.
13:25I'm sorry.
13:26I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
13:27I'm sorry.
13:28I'm sorry.
13:29I'm sorry.
13:30I'm sorry.
13:31I'm sorry.
13:32I'm sorry.
13:33I'm sorry.
13:34I'm sorry.
13:35I'm sorry.
13:36I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
13:37do you want to lend us a hand she doesn't have to ask thank you can someone um you are so kind
13:43sorry yeah actually now i've got a tachycardia i'm suffering from makes me dizzy sometimes
13:50self-diagnosed self-diagnosed tachycardia the nhs has one year waiting this feelings
13:57broken fucking country and frankly yes i'm going to use the internet
14:05and my best preserved organ the pancreas i i'd rather be dead than leave here
14:18cool dinner chat guys can i just ask ma is that like an empty threat or are you just telling us
14:22what you're going to do i i never sleep it's torture the sound of the light bulbs
14:29it'll soon be all right look i'm in talks with jack debove okay and uh i'm thinking of investing
14:40in a small enterprise that offers car insurance to people with heavy police records oh nice glad to
14:47hear you're finding a way to make the world a better place that's perfect he's a narcissist you
14:51know yeah really yeah i've never crossed my mind no and it's so lonely now with your girl my only
15:01playmate you know that have you thought about like do you know what a friend is ma could maybe think
15:06about getting some friends really yeah i recommend it honto die oh she's entirely devoid of friends i'm
15:12moving out you know at the moment i find a job my friend justine has a massive boiler room what did
15:19you say boiler room a lot of euphemism i even say please don't tell me off about this
15:24i'm exhausted my mind feels crispy like that's resourceful i was going to say that's like
15:31resourceful like good for you boiler room yeah sounds cozy oh that's nice i thought that you were
15:38teasing me you've always teased me even though i'm 10 years older than you and it's meant to be
15:41reversed i could say that you're a cocaine shovel with holes in all yourself i'm genuinely not teasing
15:48you i genuinely think that is a resourceful choice to make and you're always making resourceful decisions
15:52and i respect you also like in your own up way you're kind of a brave person right guys also in
15:59terms of cocaine i don't know if this has penetrated for anyone but i've actually been clean for like
16:03nearly three years which is like yeah cool no one cares do you have space for the piano where you're
16:10living now why are you getting rid of it finally he asked me this every year but swedish death they
16:15call it no it's the act of releasing all your worldly goods before you've left the planet it means your
16:24descendants don't have to squabble and you know sort through your detritus so your children can mourn your
16:31passing without haggling with an auction house or hunting for a story family could we please talk a
16:37bit about daryl i really like him i may even l-o-v-e him his eyes they are the strangest shade of red
16:47oh cool like a vampire no more like a bunny oh and you know he's a party clown which means
16:53he's wonderful have you heard of john wayne gacy yeah that's what that normally means he found a
16:58bunch of baby squirrels on long mind and he just fed them various milks various milks of course like
17:06bunny dad squirrel babies don't make fun he could be my husband oh yeah your brother-in-law you love
17:13to love her like yeah no for for that we love you just to love someone who never moves you to a
17:21bungalow oh she burned ouch you know a single rabbit can have a thousand babies in her lifetime
17:28and if it's a male one tens of thousands more that's why the phrase to like bunnies has entered
17:35the lexicon it's interesting you know running the origins of our words and phrases thanks pa yeah
17:41i feel like if she did kill herself you'd just be like quoting facts over her grave oh yeah i need
17:48a gravy sauce i need it thank you thank you so much so uh you have it yeah i don't understand why we
17:57have to do it out here like some kind of drug deal i don't want to i don't want to trouble your mother
18:03she's been through a lot and worry doesn't agree with her her head's been aching what are you even
18:08going to do with a thousand quid uh well half is for bills the other half is to start a payment
18:16plan with jean philippe buy back the house with 500 quid well it'll show him i'm good for it you know
18:25but you're not good for it fine look it's not my business i don't know what you want thank you
18:32i don't know it's just temporary you know it's um i'll soon get out of this little hole we'll get
18:38the house back you know me felix i've always been a bit of a chancer i've had plenty of success in my
18:45life i've paid for my parents to live through their golden years but you lot through school not quite in
18:53my case but uh i i admit i sometimes fly a little close to the sun but i land on my feet it's funny
19:03because you always got so angry with me when i took chances like when i moved to london quit school
19:08try to be a musician you were livid yeah well here's the thing about chances um they've got to come off
19:15okay how's this one going for you do you know what pa i sort of feel like we need to get a bit
19:24real about this it's not like you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth wasn't your dad some
19:29hungarian immigrant who delivered milk in croydon who told you you're supposed to become some
19:35fucking lord i had a dream about my father last week it was the strangest thing
19:42and i looked at him and i said henry what are you doing here and he stared straight back at me
19:52and he said simon don't be a servant to fortune okay what the does that mean don't live your life in
20:02search of luck because maybe we each get so much luck in our life and we must be grateful for the luck we
20:11have and stop hunting for more look thank you for this thank you for the walking around money
20:19i suppose there comes a time when every child takes over from their parent
20:24we spent what we had on you and now it's your turn you're not going to ask me where i got it from
20:31but i assume you didn't steal it
20:43nice walk for my man glorious oh hi okay i'm off bye
21:11where's this why i love you wcb
21:25we all have pain
21:30we have made it perfect
21:32what do we have tried
21:40okay all right thanks mom see you okay see you pa oh hope so
21:50hello
21:59naughty
21:59someone throw a bucket of water over her
22:05oh my god did you know that queen victoria is the reason why lesbians are legal
22:25other than that her life's been a real snooze
22:27how was your day i feel like i'd make a really good royal actually because i just love sitting on
22:33tuffets and stuff
22:36are you all right yeah
22:37no something's wrong what's wrong no i'm literally just arriving
22:47why are you staring at me like that fucking hell what happened
22:53something happened i want to know what happened i don't want to be like an emotional detective
22:57actually nothing's happened i'm just like making a cup of tea
23:01okay
23:05what the fuck are you doing
23:06i did that because i know it's all plastic and i'm trying to shock you so tell me what's going on
23:17i mean i can tell you but like if i do there's no like i'm saying it we can't go back to a time
23:22when i haven't said it to you and maybe you don't want to know i always want to know
23:30well my parents don't live in that fancy house anymore they live in like a weird bungalow by the
23:38airport and
23:43sold my car this morning because my dad has like 70 pounds in his bank account and then
23:49i got so like angry with his whole way of being that i stole it back
23:58my sister's in her 40s she still plays with cuddly toys my mum's
24:02like constantly threatening to kill herself
24:06they sound fun yeah they're fun
24:10oh for sake i'm trying to tell you something you keep
24:13fucking like crowding me out i'm just trying to be nice
24:15i i'm just gonna stay here but i just want you to know that there's like a shaking woman in the
24:19kitchen because i want to help but i'm not um i will give you space and i'll just be here in the kitchen
24:29honey what's wrong
24:31i was brought up by a nanny because my parents were always
24:46fucking doing something and
24:51she wasn't a very nice person i guess
24:54and like
25:00mom and dad were always like
25:04too wrapped up in their own shit to notice that there was like a
25:10you know like a kiddie fiddler living in the house with their children
25:14oh my god
25:15like she molested you yeah that's what kiddie fiddler means
25:24you know i i think a babysitter did something to me once
25:29i don't know for sure but i always feel weird when i see this certain color of tile
25:34what is this like i'm the last off now
25:37my god no i'm sorry i'm sorry i was just i was saying that because i i'm here and i'm not scared
25:44because i i'm here and i'm not scared and i see you i'm just trying to make you feel better
25:48because i i'm sorry that happened i'm sorry that that happened
25:58i have a very chaotic mind and you're going to start to notice and like i was never really tucked in
26:04as a kid so like whenever it gets dark i always get this weird feeling that like everyone's going
26:11to party without me and i don't know maybe that's why i'm like always trying to find a party or something
26:21you were never tucked in
26:25huh you were never tucked in
26:28okay so in a traditional tucking at my house first i have to make you kind of a burrito okay do
26:36you feel good do you want your arms out you want your arms out or in yeah sure okay and then i would
26:44do waterfalls like that
26:48does that feel nice you have to do it seriously okay sorry yeah
26:55nice and relaxing yeah that is kind of nice it's kind of nice
26:59you know no what i adore you you drive me wild but honey we're over using the hardware it's not
27:08about that not tonight okay i understand plus it's weird because i'm tucking you in
27:14so stay focused okay don't make it sexual yeah yeah check out
27:18okay okay and now i'm gonna sing to you but i'm a little bit rusty so i'm nervous um but this is
27:30like my dad's favorite song that you would always sing to us okay okay
27:34oh a song will lift as the mainsail shifts and the boat drifts into the shoreline
27:52and the sun will respect every face on the deck the hour that the ship rolls in
28:02and the fan will roll out a carpet of gold for your weary toes to be a touching
28:14and the ship's wise men will remind you once again that the whole wide world is watching
28:30i love you
28:36i found god on the corner of first and amistad where the west was all but one
28:50all alone smoking his last cigarette
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