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00:00Die Sendung wurde vom NDR live untertitelt.
00:30Die Sendung wurde vom NDR live untertitelt.
01:00Die Sendung wurde vom NDR live untertitelt.
01:29What's going on, y'all?
01:31Welcome, welcome, welcome to Las Vegas.
01:34If you just got here,
01:36it's the only city you can see dead people walking down the street.
01:39You don't believe me? Take your ass out on Las Vegas Boulevard, nigga.
01:42There's a dead Michael Jackson out there, still moonwalking.
01:45Ells still got three shows in this motherfucking town.
01:48Y'all seen that Transformer out there?
01:50That motherfucker asked me for $5.
01:53I said, turn it to a car, motherfucker. I'll give you $100.
01:56That nigga was trying, too.
01:59Dude, you really need a job dressing up like a truck in this motherfucking heat.
02:03You know, when you leave the house and something like,
02:05Daddy, why you dressing up like a truck?
02:07Nigga, do you like food?
02:09Your daddy dumb. This is all I know how to do. Get my tires.
02:14It's so hot in this motherfucking town,
02:16I seen the devil walking down the street looking for ice water.
02:19Said he going back to hell to cool off.
02:22It shouldn't be a fat motherfucker nowhere in this town.
02:26Take your fat ass outside and deal public grease around your ass.
02:30Hey nigga, what's your diet? The sun?
02:33And crazy white people. Y'all motherfuckers crazy.
02:36Y'all the only ones be at these pools. Niggas are hunted in hell.
02:40They out there, nigga, skin bubbling, sound like bacon.
02:44Niggas be in them cabanas and we don't pay for them either.
02:48Shit, now we gonna sit right in this motherfucker until they come and kick us out.
02:53Then that wages will come over.
02:55What you like, a bottle of champagne?
02:57Not for no $3,000 goddamn dollars.
02:59But we gonna have to ask you to leave.
03:01I didn't want to sit in this motherfucker no goddamn way.
03:03Nigga, we'll walk to another casino, get right back in another cabana.
03:07Y'all be careful when y'all out here.
03:09They ain't building these casinos because motherfuckers are winning.
03:12Got quiet in this bitch.
03:14Vegas ain't got some of you motherfuckers.
03:16I don't know why y'all don't figure it out when you land at McCann Airport
03:20that got that escalator going down, motherfuckers be hype on the rival.
03:23Nigga, we in Vegas, we about to kick it like a motherfucker.
03:25Y'all better watch them bitches going up.
03:31Nigga, they be quiet.
03:33Purse empty, wallet dry.
03:35And my people, we the loudest when we check in casinos.
03:38Niggas arrive, nigga, nigga, I'm in Vegas, nigga, I'm about to get these motherfuckers.
03:42I see them dudes in them black suits be like, we got one.
03:46You'll see that motherfucker later on that evening.
03:49On that lonely couch.
03:51Every casino got one, nigga.
03:53It's got, you know, it's over in the distance, right by the crap table.
03:55They know niggas like to shoot craps.
03:57Nigga, I call it the losing couch.
03:59It ain't got no back on it.
04:00They don't need one because motherfuckers sit there like this.
04:05Be mumbling to theyself.
04:06I had it.
04:07It was in my hand.
04:08I had it, nigga.
04:09Fifteen hundred, it was mine.
04:10I should have walked when I had the chance.
04:11Now, sisters don't let a brother leave clean either.
04:14You lose, sister be like, yeah, nigga.
04:17I told you a black ass couldn't shoot no craps.
04:20Nigga, that was our house money.
04:22Bitch, I lost the house.
04:23You gonna have to sell pussy so we can get out this motherfucker.
04:27You see them old bitches later.
04:29Anybody want some of this?
04:31This is my 11th year doing shows out here in Las Vegas with my residency.
04:37Yeah.
04:38Yeah.
04:39This is my 32nd year anniversary doing this shit called stand-up, man.
04:45You know what I'm saying?
04:46Yeah.
04:47See, nigga.
04:48Nigga.
04:49Nigga.
04:50Nigga.
04:51Shit.
04:52Shit, being out here in this motherfucker, nigga, there's a lot of hoes here.
04:59Vegas got a lot of hoes, man.
05:02Now, when I used to come here on the weekend before I lived here, man, you know, you come
05:05and do a show, you get your dick sucked, make some money, you leave.
05:08Now that I live here, I know all the hoes.
05:11Come to y'all motherfuckers in here tonight.
05:14You know who you are.
05:16Nigga, the hoes, all the motherfuckers, they got big giant bags.
05:21The young hoes, they work indoors.
05:23See?
05:24They got giant purses.
05:25See, real women, you know, y'all got respectable small purses.
05:28You know, little makeup.
05:29You know, probably a couple of tampons, you know, if it's that time of the month.
05:33You know.
05:34Hoes got giant bags, nigga.
05:35You can spot them.
05:36They got three pair of shoes in there, four, five wigs.
05:39You know, they'll go upstairs, nigga, turn the trick, come down a redhead.
05:44And if y'all really want to see some funny shit, go to downtown Las Vegas.
05:48That's where the old hoes hang out.
05:50They still walk the stroll like it's 1972.
05:53They out in the sun, hot.
05:55And they loud when you walk by, nigga, driving by.
05:58Eddie, you see us over here, nigga.
06:00Come on over here, nigga.
06:03Fuck with a bitch, nigga.
06:06Let me suck your little comedy dick, nigga.
06:10I said, bitch, you got three teeth and they don't look like they like each other.
06:15Wait till them motherfuckers fall out, come back and see a nigga.
06:20Fuck y'all, don't knock it till you try it.
06:23They'll gum you down, nigga.
06:25Smooth selling.
06:27Niggas, hoes got regular lives too, nigga.
06:30I live out here.
06:31You see hoes at grocery stores out here.
06:33Nigga, you on aisle nine.
06:34Bitch come out with a titty hanging out.
06:35Nigga, where the bread at?
06:37I said, baby, put your titty up.
06:39My son right here.
06:40You're making him hungry.
06:42Hell yeah, nigga.
06:44Shit, I was married to a motherfucker that was, whew.
06:48I'm on my fourth marriage, you know what I'm saying?
06:51My first three wives was cool, nigga.
06:53But the third one, nigga.
06:56That was crazy pussy.
06:58Nigga, I call it, you ever had polio pussy?
07:02Polio pussy?
07:04Not a bitch that got polio.
07:06Your pussy so good, you put your dick in it, that bitch give you polio.
07:10Oh, God, now.
07:11It's no good.
07:12Oh, it's no good.
07:13That bitch had me following her around, nigga.
07:17I couldn't go nowhere.
07:18Where you going?
07:19I'm right behind you.
07:20You ever had pussy so motherfucking good?
07:23She's in your house.
07:25She go in the bathroom, nigga.
07:27You be outside the door.
07:28Fuck you in there doing?
07:30You been in there too goddamn long.
07:32What you in there doing, woman?
07:33I'm right in here taking a shit.
07:35The bitch come out, where you going?
07:37I'm going to the store.
07:38I'm going with you.
07:40Y'all remember I disappeared off the scene for like two, three years?
07:44Nigga, that pussy was that good.
07:48I couldn't leave, nigga.
07:50Because, you know, women fuck, I think, like your occupation.
07:54You know, if you fuck a doctor, she gonna fuck like a doctor.
07:57You know, just flexed your gluteus maximus.
08:00You know what I mean?
08:01You fuck a crazy bitch.
08:02Crazy women, nigga.
08:05There you go.
08:07Nigga, your nigga.
08:08Oh, goddamn.
08:09Yeah.
08:10Nigga, I sat at that motherfucking house.
08:12My mama came over.
08:13She said, baby, ain't nobody seen you in about three years.
08:17I ain't seen you in seven months.
08:19You ain't doing no movies no more.
08:21You ain't doing TV.
08:22You ain't even touring at it.
08:24What you doing?
08:25You're just underneath this stanky, nasty bitch.
08:28She said, she done put the roots on you.
08:32Now, nigga, I didn't know what the fuck the roots mean.
08:35I'm like, mama, what you talking about?
08:36The roots, nigga.
08:37I said, did she make you some kind of gravy or spaghetti?
08:40I said, every three days.
08:43I didn't know shit.
08:45This bitch making me period panty spaghetti.
08:47Nigga, I'm sitting over there greenwashing.
08:50My mama said, here to cure, nigga.
08:53You make this bitch a special clam chowder.
08:55All right?
08:56Yeah, that motherfucker give her a clam chowder
08:58and get a pair of her panties and bury them in the backyard.
09:01Well, as y'all can see, I'm back to work.
09:05So if the shit ever happened to you, you know the killer.
09:08When I was a kid, nigga, you know they take you on these field trips.
09:12I was like six, seven years old.
09:14They take you to the zoo.
09:15So we went to the monkey exhibit.
09:18And they wasn't doing monkey shit.
09:20They wasn't moving.
09:21So, nigga, I started throwing rocks at them.
09:23I wanted to see them do monkey shit.
09:25That monkey loaded up, nigga.
09:29Files.
09:30And it hit a nigga right here.
09:32And it was hot.
09:34All you heard was, ah!
09:39Nigga, this is how I became funny.
09:41Two years of kids don't give a fuck.
09:44Kids fucking with me all the time.
09:45Hey, monkey shit, Ed.
09:48You better learn how to clam back.
09:50Hey, fuck monkeys.
09:52Yeah.
09:53They full of shit.
09:54But I think that was God talking to me, really.
09:57That's God's way of saying, nigga, you the shit.
10:02Nigga shit.
10:03I been telling jokes so motherfucking long, nigga.
10:05I used to do this shit for free on the corner.
10:07Yeah, I never had to buy weed.
10:11Like, get this little nigga dog sack.
10:13He gonna go all night.
10:14Right?
10:15And I did, too, niggas.
10:16Hey, they mommas be on the porch.
10:17I told y'all Eddie Kreiser.
10:19Look at him.
10:20He can do anybody.
10:21The boy's a mimic.
10:22I said, what are you talking about, woman?
10:24See the nigga doing me.
10:27Eddie, you gonna make it.
10:28Keep going, baby.
10:29You keep going.
10:30I appreciate the fuck out of them old sisters, man.
10:34Shit.
10:35Only family members will come outside.
10:37That boy ain't gonna be shit.
10:40He going to jail like his uncle Bucket.
10:44I remember I had a principal told me I wasn't gonna be shit.
10:47Nigga, you ain't gonna never be shit, nigga.
10:49You getting suspended.
10:50You're always clowning in class, nigga.
10:51You ain't gonna be shit out of there.
10:53Show you how God work.
10:56I fuck around, I become famous, right?
10:58I go back home to Kansas City, Missouri, nigga.
11:00I did a concert.
11:01Midland Theater.
11:02Five thousand sleeves.
11:03Sold the fuck out.
11:04It was a line around the line around the belt.
11:05If you can wrap your head around that.
11:07I spotted this motherfucker principal in line to get a ticket.
11:10I told my limo driver, slow down.
11:14Oh, I got bougie in a motherfucker.
11:15Slow down.
11:17Nigga, I rolled the winner down.
11:19Nigga, you ain't gonna never be shit.
11:23Onward, Charles, onward.
11:26You don't tell no kid they ain't gonna be shit,
11:28even if they ain't gonna be shit.
11:31Now we on this election cycle again, nigga.
11:34And Trump, motherfucker, nigga.
11:38This motherfucker.
11:40Trump, untouchable, nigga.
11:42They did this Mueller report shit.
11:44What did that take?
11:45Two, three fucking years, nigga.
11:46FBI can't get him.
11:47CIA can't get him, nigga.
11:49This nigga, God, we need you.
11:52You gonna have to come down and get this orange motherfucker.
11:55Sonny D is untouchable.
12:00And I don't like the Democrats.
12:01Don't get it twisted.
12:02Democrats to me are some pussy motherfuckers.
12:05All they do is motherfucking apologize every day.
12:07I want to apologize for 1972.
12:10Biden apologizing for touching a bitch's shoulder.
12:13Now I want to know who this bitch is.
12:16Did a motherfucker touch your shoulder and you think you getting raped?
12:19Bitch, you ain't had dick ever.
12:22You should have thanked that man for the fucking shoulder massage.
12:25Trump don't apologize for shit.
12:27You got to respect this gangster.
12:29You know what I'm saying?
12:30That motherfucker nuts be dragging the ground.
12:33Leaving orange juice trails.
12:36Trump, did you grab a pussy?
12:38I'm gonna grab another one tonight.
12:41I invited Tiger Woods over to the White House
12:43so we can get some grabbing pussies together.
12:45I mean, I'm gonna give him an award.
12:48Trump don't give a fuck that racist motherfucker.
12:51I don't like this motherfucker, man,
12:53because he want all niggas in jail or dead.
12:56He don't want no Mexicans in this country whatsoever.
12:59Paco, I'm here to tell you, don't go nowhere.
13:01Stay, nigga, we need you.
13:04Yeah, motherfucker, yeah.
13:05They trying to turn back the clock, y'all.
13:08Beware.
13:09Because the Trump show is just what it's always been.
13:11A reality show.
13:12That's just to keep your ass busy, nigga.
13:14He do so much shit every day, it tires you out.
13:17You wake up in the morning, he done did some shit already.
13:20You go to work, by the time you get home,
13:22what the nigga did all that today?
13:25Nigga, if Obama did five of the things
13:27this motherfucker pulled off every day,
13:29they'da hung that nigga on national TV
13:31and charged you to see it.
13:34You know how hard it was to be that nigga, nigga,
13:36that clean?
13:37This nigga didn't have one motherfucking blemish.
13:41Nigga.
13:42You know how hard it is for a nigga not to do something?
13:46Nigga, I'm gonna fuck up in about 15 minutes.
13:48Just keep watching.
13:50Yeah, you're from Chicago.
13:52Yeah, shit, I'm from Kansas City, Missouri, nigga.
13:55Yeah, Obama from Chicago, but if you listen to white people,
14:00he's from Nigeria or somewhere over there.
14:03Uganda and Ubutabakaka.
14:07Trump motherfucking ass nigga, this motherfucker.
14:10But it's all right, nigga.
14:12Y'all trying to turn back the clock, white people.
14:14I ain't gonna give up to you.
14:15I ain't going.
14:17I want you motherfucking white people in here
14:19to look around at the niggas sitting close to you.
14:22We ain't our father's father's father.
14:24You ain't gonna never hear, yells him.
14:28Nigga, I'm going to hell of jail.
14:29You pick which one.
14:33For real though, I couldn't have been no slave, man.
14:37Master would have killed me in five minutes.
14:41With this mouthpiece nigga shit.
14:43Kill that damn nigga.
14:45Put that smart nigga down.
14:49Put him down.
14:51He keeps talking.
14:52He's riling up the rest of them.
14:56Put him down.
14:59Because they always say we come from slaves, nigga.
15:01We don't come from no motherfucking slaves.
15:02We come from kings and queens.
15:05You know what I mean?
15:07They act like our history started at Roots, nigga.
15:10I seen Roots.
15:11I didn't like that motherfucker film, man.
15:13In the movie, they always had us picking cotton in the hot sauce.
15:16Singing like it's a happy thing.
15:18You know.
15:19Lord Jesus.
15:21Lord Lord Jesus.
15:24Nigga, run.
15:26They gonna kill your ass anyway.
15:28Make a run for it, nigga.
15:30Nigga, I'd have took off every day.
15:31Fire!
15:34And you know back then, nigga, when you ran,
15:35if they caught you, they would cut something off, nigga.
15:38I'd have did it so many times, I'd have been a head and a torso.
15:41Still trying to get away.
15:47Hey, nigga, that go worm, nigga.
15:48That go little worm.
15:50That nigga worm at it again, nigga.
15:53Nigga, I'd have came back.
15:54They'd have caught my ass.
15:55No arms, no legs.
15:57Hey, what you gonna do with everything?
15:59Took your arms and your legs.
16:00I still got my dick.
16:02Life is always good with a dick.
16:05Shit, I can still get some pussy.
16:06It's all right with me.
16:07Nigga, how you fuck?
16:08I tell the bitches, pull me up in you.
16:13Spin me, man, spin me.
16:15What do they call you?
16:16They call me Pogo Stick.
16:17Don't worry about it, white folks.
16:18Your time's coming.
16:19Oh, yeah.
16:20If karma has any kind of validity in reality, and it does, the law of karma says what?
16:38What goes around, I can't hear you motherfuckers.
16:43What goes around, Sally, Scott, Jill, it's going down.
16:52I'm telling you, you're gonna have a real good time when I own you.
16:55I'm gonna treat you right, Bob, Jill.
16:59I'm gonna let you pick cotton at night.
17:02That way your skin don't burn up.
17:05I'm only gonna beat you on Thursdays at 7.30.
17:08I got shit to do.
17:11And it's gonna be a whole lot of light-skinned, moist day-day, prince-looking motherfucking kids on my planet.
17:17But Sally, you gonna get it!
17:28She gonna come out the barn every day of the morning.
17:30That nigger wouldn't stop!
17:33Sally, what are you gonna do?
17:35He fucks you every night.
17:37What are you gonna do about it?
17:39I'm gonna move in.
17:40I love him.
17:43White people, I don't think you couldn't have been a slave.
17:47Y'all too soft.
17:50Look, he got that face like, whatever, nigga, we could have did it.
17:54You can barely take five minutes of me talking shit right now without turning red.
17:58Let alone me fucking your wife.
18:01I think all the black slave owners will be on their porch.
18:04Yeah, let them go.
18:06No, let all of them go, they ain't worth it, damn.
18:09Shit, I got a hundred white slaves, I ain't got a bushel of cotton out these motherfuckers here.
18:13All they do is lay on the ground and burn up on you and bitch all the time.
18:18Then when you put them in the sun, you gotta grease them down first.
18:21And that suntan lotion ain't cheap shit.
18:24These motherfuckers ain't cost effective, they bad for business.
18:27I'll tell you what, I'll sell you all one hundred of my white slaves for one Mexican.
18:31Fuck y'all, one Mexican will pick like a thousand niggas.
18:36But they hard to catch.
18:38Yeah, they go underground, don't y'all been trying to catch Paco for three years.
18:43I know you're down there with that gold necklace on.
18:46I can hear him in the distance late at night, he hoos.
18:51Y'all need us white people?
18:54You don't want to get rid of me, Ned.
18:57You need me.
19:00White people need us, I mean, who you gonna have to blame your ineptitude on if I ain't here?
19:06White people need us so they can point the finger.
19:08Why you ain't shit, Ned?
19:09Because of niggas.
19:10Niggas is the only reason I ain't got something.
19:14And the Mexicans are taking all the jobs.
19:17I didn't know you on a leaf blow, how the fuck they taking your jobs?
19:21The Mexicans ain't taking your jobs, niggas.
19:23Technology is.
19:25Robots took everybody's goddamn job.
19:27You used to have a factory job, you work with your hands, now a robot can do that shit.
19:31They don't need us.
19:33It ain't just you, Ned.
19:35We're all unemployed.
19:41Everybody's sick of a goddamn robot, nigga.
19:43You ain't got to do healthcare for no fucking robot.
19:46And I'm sick of these motherfuckers saying black people using up all the healthcare.
19:49No, we ain't.
19:50We only 12% of the population.
19:52And niggas don't go to the hospital.
19:55We just sick.
19:57We can't afford it, niggas.
19:59And we don't trust doctors.
20:00You go in the hospital, I don't trust that motherfucker.
20:03What's in the needle?
20:05They trying to kill us, nigga.
20:06I ain't taking shit.
20:07People are crazy, man.
20:10Preach.
20:11I don't preach, I teach.
20:13I teach.
20:16Hell yeah.
20:17You wanna preach, you know where to find them every Sunday.
20:22Nigga, you remember them motherfuckers, they came and shot up the black church?
20:26They can only pull that with black people, you know, we catch on quick.
20:29You know, I've been to a black church lately, nigga.
20:32Nigga, they got guns in church now.
20:33And black churches, when everybody get in there, they lock the doors.
20:37You understand me?
20:39Motherfuckers gotta knock to get in church.
20:42I was trying to come and praise, uh, Christ.
20:47That's when the nigga behind the door.
20:49No, no, we don't, we don't praise Christ here.
20:50We praise the Lord.
20:52See, this cold word, see, white people say Christ.
20:55Niggas, we going to see the Lord.
20:58Hell yeah, nigga, shit.
21:00White people been killing up everybody.
21:02What's going on with y'all?
21:06Just last week, they tried to say it was that brother that killed the motherfuckers at the job.
21:10They ain't tricking me.
21:11Nigga, that nigga was dead already.
21:13And they said he was a shooter.
21:15Cause they tired of the motherfucking story that the white man is killing everybody.
21:19So they made the nigga the shooter.
21:20Why is he already dead?
21:22You understand me?
21:23And you know, fuck that.
21:24It was somebody white again.
21:26Cause if I can think it, nigga, they did it.
21:29White, what's wrong?
21:31Oh no, I'm making you my white representative tonight.
21:34You shouldn't have sat that close.
21:39No, I'm gonna fuck with y'all.
21:41Here's the shit, nigga.
21:43What is wrong? Can y'all get fired?
21:45White people get fired and go kill everybody at the job.
21:48Niggas been getting fired all the time.
21:50We don't go kill nobody.
21:51They come to us.
21:52Hey, you fired?
21:54Give my motherfucking check.
21:56I ain't like this fuck ass job no goddamn way.
21:59Give my motherfucking check.
22:01Are we gonna send you a check in the mail?
22:02Nah, motherfucker.
22:03I'm leaving today.
22:04My money leaving when I leave.
22:06Give my motherfucking check.
22:08Fuck ass shit.
22:10Nigga be on the block later on.
22:11Hey, what happened?
22:12Them motherfuckers told me I'm fired, nigga.
22:13Shit, I cashed this bitch, got some weed.
22:15Nigga, light it up.
22:18White people get fired.
22:19They nice to white people.
22:20You know, when they fire us, you're fired.
22:22Get out of here.
22:23White people get fired, nigga.
22:24It's a whole different way of firing.
22:26Oh.
22:29Ned, oh.
22:31God, I don't even know how to tell you this.
22:34Oh, fuck.
22:36Oh, I hate doing this, man.
22:39I mean, it's not me.
22:40It's coming from upstairs.
22:41I gotta let you go, Ned.
22:45You gotta fucking let me go.
22:47I mean, that's some kind of fucking joke.
22:50Come on, I've been working here 27 fucking years.
22:53You gonna tell me I'm fucking fired?
22:54Is that how this fucking goes, man?
22:55I got a fucking mortgage.
22:57I got a wife.
22:58I got four kids and a dog named Peter.
22:59You tell them I'm fucking fired.
23:01I'm fucking fired.
23:02I'm fucking fired.
23:03That's right when they should know, nigga.
23:07They should know.
23:08Run, nigga.
23:10Okay.
23:12You see that motherfucker come to work the next day.
23:15Suit on.
23:16Briefcase.
23:18How's it going?
23:19Hey.
23:20Fuck it.
23:21Fuck it, Ned.
23:23Yeah.
23:25Yeah.
23:28Blah, blah, blah, blah.
23:31Niggas never get shot.
23:32Niggas never get shot on the job, nigga, when that shit go round.
23:35Cause we aware of our surroundings.
23:38That motherfucker Ned come back the next day.
23:43Niggas be on the motherfucking job.
23:44Ain't that Ned?
23:47Didn't they fire that motherfucker yesterday?
23:50Shit, it's time to take a long lunch.
23:54They be outside.
23:56I told you.
23:58He killing everybody.
23:59Yeah.
24:01White people, y'all just the opposite.
24:02Y'all too fucking nosy.
24:04I think that's why y'all got the point of nose.
24:06You're nosy.
24:08Ned come back the next day.
24:10Y'all motherfuckers be like,
24:12God, that's Ned.
24:15Shit, he looks distraught.
24:18Fuck, man.
24:19Hard way to go.
24:20Come on, let's go try to cheer him up.
24:23Ha!
24:26Nigga, when niggas leave, come with us.
24:30We know something.
24:32We got street spider senses.
24:34You know, that's from being on the block, nigga.
24:36You be like, they about to kill that nigga.
24:39Nigga, we be at the club, nigga, dancing like a motherfucker.
24:42Oh, these niggas about to shoot this motherfucker up, nigga.
24:46You don't stop dancing, though, nigga.
24:51I talk about you white people because I care.
24:55I'm trying to help you.
24:57Y'all do shit that no other culture does.
25:00God damn it.
25:02This is the white people getting chewed up by shark season.
25:06I'm 52 years old.
25:07All the years I've been on this earth,
25:08y'all keep getting chewed up by sharks.
25:10When the fuck y'all gonna learn?
25:13Why do y'all go out that far?
25:15That's where they act.
25:18You ain't heard of a chewed up nigga nowhere on earth.
25:21We go waist high.
25:23Y'all seen us at the beach splashing around,
25:25make it look like we doing some shit.
25:28Nigga fill some seaweed.
25:29Nigga, stop feeling it.
25:31Y'all kids get out that water.
25:33We don't even gonna get the kids.
25:34Do it, daddy talk to swell, nigga.
25:36Nigga jump out dry, nigga.
25:41I joke around, man.
25:45Love who you love.
25:46You understand me?
25:47I see interracial couples in here, nigga.
25:49And my nigga, you know,
25:50you with your white woman tonight,
25:51you're taking a chance.
25:54That's all I'm saying, nigga.
25:56Love who you love, but nigga, you taking a chance.
25:59She got that phone call she can make, man.
26:02All she gotta do is 911.
26:03He's raping me.
26:04Nigga, you going to jail.
26:06Who do you think they gonna believe, nigga?
26:08I ain't fucking around.
26:10Sally, you're safe with him.
26:12But love who you love, man.
26:13You know how hard it is for y'all to be in an interracial relationship?
26:17Y'all was probably tortured on the way in this room.
26:20Cause motherfuckers be talking shit.
26:21Sister's cold, nigga.
26:23Look at that nigga with that white bitch.
26:26Couldn't handle us, huh? Never.
26:28Had to go get you a snow bunny, nigga.
26:32Probably little dick motherfucker.
26:34We didn't want your black ass no way.
26:37Leroy be walking with Sally.
26:38Sally, come on, they're gonna kill us.
26:42Brothers, we the same way.
26:44We see a sister with a white dude,
26:46we go the fuck off.
26:47Get your money, bitch.
26:49Get your money, bitch.
26:51Yeah, you couldn't handle that anaconda, huh?
26:52Get your money, bitch.
26:55Sister be like, what?
26:56I was just saying something.
26:59Hell, motherfucker, yeah.
27:00Love who you love, man.
27:01But that's some rough shit, nigga.
27:03You in a fucking relationship that's, you know, white and black?
27:07Leroy and Sally?
27:09Sally, you got it rough.
27:11You better really love Leroy.
27:13Cause that's the only nigga you gonna have.
27:16Cause, nigga, white families kick y'all out the family.
27:19You know, white families cold, isn't it?
27:20Get your ass out of this goddamn family, Sally.
27:23Bringing that Jigaboo to my goddamn house.
27:27He ain't coming in here.
27:29What am I supposed to cook some fucking fried chicken?
27:31I ain't cooking no fucking fried chicken.
27:34You're out of the family, you're out of the fucking will.
27:37Get your fucking cunt whore, bitch ass out of this house.
27:42Sally leave the house.
27:43Goddamn Leroy, you're all I have.
27:45You're all I have.
27:47Leroy trying to take her to his mama house.
27:51Y'all already know, sister.
27:52You ain't bringing that white bitch in here.
27:54You ain't bringing that white bitch in my house, Leroy.
27:57I told you better than this, nigga.
27:59What am I supposed to cook, quiche?
28:00I don't cook no goddamn quiche.
28:04Get your black ass outta here with that snow bunny, nigga.
28:07You can't come in this goddamn house
28:08till you get a bitch with cornrows.
28:12Leroy leave the house.
28:13You're all I got, Sally.
28:15And they wander the earth together, nigga.
28:20That's why you see them walk like that.
28:21They all alone just...
28:27Hell yeah, the two most racist motherfuckers on earth
28:30is a white man and a black woman.
28:33You understand me?
28:35Yeah, white man don't give a fuck.
28:36Sister don't give a fuck.
28:38The only cure for that kind of relationship
28:40is when they have a baby.
28:42Y'all had a baby yet?
28:43You got two.
28:44You got two?
28:45You got two?
28:46See, you're back in the family.
28:48Cause only the babies can cure that racism.
28:51You bring that baby over to that sister's house.
28:53It's my grandbaby.
29:00Lord.
29:02He got that good hair.
29:04He got the skin to win too.
29:08Sally, come on in here, girl.
29:10I was just bullshitting.
29:11Yeah, I went on that Food Network.
29:14I learned how to make that quiche.
29:17Come on in here.
29:18You take him over that redneck, huh?
29:20Come on in here.
29:21Bro.
29:27This is my goddamn grandson.
29:30Goddamn.
29:31Look at that little fucker's got a permanent tan.
29:34I mean, look at the size of my balls on this fucker.
29:37Woo!
29:39Look at how big his hands are.
29:40We're going to the NFL.
29:53Love who you love, man.
29:55Shit.
29:56My wife's Korean, nigga.
29:58Shit.
29:59I'm sleeping with the enemy.
30:01I'm dating Kim Yum-Yum's motherfucking sister.
30:04Look at sister looking at me like, nigga, what you doing with that Korean chick?
30:07I was married to three of y'all.
30:09Y'all had a chance.
30:10Yeah.
30:12Now I got ten beautiful children.
30:16Thank you.
30:17That's a blessing.
30:20Niggas looking at me like, damn, ten nigga?
30:23Don't judge.
30:24My motherfucking ability to take care of my kids by your wallet.
30:28All ten of mine fine and a motherfucker.
30:31And most of them grown anyway.
30:32I just got my four youngest with me.
30:34The rest of the first crop, I call them first crop gone.
30:38You know, my oldest is 33.
30:41My youngest is five.
30:43Hell yeah.
30:44And I got my first grandson and he five.
30:48Nigga, they go to school together.
30:52Only in a black family.
30:55And you know, the greatest joy of my life outside of seeing smiles on y'all face doing this job that I love to death,
31:00is watching my youngest son and my grandson hang out.
31:05You know, I tour on the weekends, man.
31:06So Sundays are day.
31:07Y'all call Junior up Junior.
31:08Bring my grandson over, man.
31:10So, nigga, they sitting there.
31:11I'm trying to teach them how to shoot pool.
31:14You know, Kansas City, Missouri, you know, it's a lot of pool halls, so we shoot pool back home.
31:17So I'm like, nigga, you gotta get the angle of the dangle, nigga.
31:19You know, they ain't paying no attention to me.
31:22Just listen to them two little niggas talk be killing me.
31:24Hey, nephew, come here and let me holler at you.
31:29Your teacher came and talked to me again today.
31:33Yeah, because I'm your uncle.
31:36She told me that you shit on yourself again.
31:38No, no, no, nigga, I was out of pull-ups at age two.
31:43You know, you're making the Griffin family look bad shitting on yourself, man.
31:47And that little Asian chick in the corner with the wooden blocks with the little letters on it?
31:51That's me, nigga, back up.
31:53Nigga, my grandson.
31:54Yeah, huh?
31:55If she was your, she wouldn't be hollering.
31:59I said, look at this little player.
32:01Nigga, my grandson is half Mexican, half black.
32:05Yeah, my son married a Mexican lady, nigga.
32:07I call him my little Mexa, nigga.
32:10When he come by, I make him tacos with collard greens.
32:15Burritos with mac and cheese in it.
32:18You know, just so he get both sides of his culture.
32:21And he be trying to teach me Spanish.
32:22You know, he call me Pao-Pao.
32:24Pao-Pao.
32:25Cause he used to say granddad.
32:26I'm like, hey, nigga, I ain't that old.
32:29I look too good to be grand, nigga.
32:31Wait till I get old raggly.
32:33I said, it's Pao-Pao, nigga, Pao-Pao.
32:35He say, Pao-Pao, que pasa?
32:37I said, no, that's at your mama house.
32:40It's what up, nigga, over here.
32:42Try that, what up, nigga.
32:44I know.
32:47My oldest daughter, nigga, just turned 17.
32:50And yeah, it's that season, nigga.
32:52I just bought two more guns.
32:54Cause this is when the little ignorant motherfuckers start coming by, trying to take them on dates.
32:58And they motherfuckers act like we don't remember being them.
33:03You know what I mean?
33:04They motherfuckers come to the door.
33:06Hey, uh, Mr. Griffin.
33:07How you doing, man?
33:08Man, I really like you an undercover brother, man.
33:10That was my joint, man.
33:11And I was wondering if I could take your daughter out to the movie.
33:13Nah, nigga.
33:15The one I really don't trust, he's too nice.
33:17When they're too nice, this is the freak.
33:20You know, this motherfucker comes to the door.
33:21Hello, Mr. Griffin.
33:23I was wondering if I could acquire your daughter's hand in going to...
33:26I said, nigga, get the fuck away from my daughter.
33:28He said, no, really.
33:29I'd love to take her to the movies.
33:31I said, what movie you talking about seeing?
33:33This motherfucker told me the title, nigga.
33:34I was like, well, I'm in the writer's guild, screen actor's guild, director's guild.
33:38They send the movies for me to screen them so I could vote on who should get the award.
33:42I just happened to have that movie.
33:44Come on in.
33:45I brought that nigga in, sat him on the couch.
33:47I said, y'all want some popcorn?
33:49I went in the kitchen, you know that old microwave shit?
33:51One minute, 25 seconds, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
33:53Threw it on the table, nigga, and gave both of them a coke.
33:56I sat right between them.
33:59Yeah, we gonna watch this movie.
34:01My daughter's like, you can't shut the fuck up.
34:03You can't know my nerves.
34:04I said, shut the fuck up.
34:05I said, so, uh, yeah, what's your name, little fella?
34:08Eric?
34:09Ah, good.
34:10Hey, Eric, check it out.
34:13What's your intentions, young man?
34:15Oh, you act like I didn't used to be your age.
34:18Hey, you thought you was gonna get my daughter in that dark movie theater and go, ooh.
34:23Ah, ooh.
34:26And then run to school the next day.
34:28Hey, man, smell my finger.
34:32That nigga left my house.
34:33I ain't seen him since.
34:35My daughter's still mad at me.
34:37Get on my nerves.
34:38You ain't doing so.
34:39Shut the fuck up.
34:40Fuck out of here.
34:41You ain't fucking around my house.
34:43You finishing a four-year university that I already paid the fuck for.
34:48Give a fuck.
34:49You can stay mad, goddamn it.
34:51Shit.
34:52I ain't your motherfucking friend.
34:54I'm your father.
34:55All right?
34:56Hey, you wanna run away?
34:57Run on.
34:58Shit.
34:59Shit.
35:00I got nine more.
35:01I ain't gonna bitch.
35:08I love my daughters to death, man.
35:10You know what I mean?
35:11But they the hardest to deal with, you know?
35:13First, I had all boys.
35:14That shit's easy.
35:15You know, I've been a boy.
35:16Nigga, take the trash out.
35:17Dude.
35:18Ah!
35:19Take the trash out.
35:20Okay, trash.
35:21I can't touch my daughters, man.
35:23Any other men in here like that where you can't...
35:25That's my little queen, my little princess, man.
35:27All they gotta do is bat them eyes at me.
35:29Yeah.
35:30Here, take everything.
35:32Then I have to go to my wife.
35:34Hey, baby, uh...
35:35Need you to go get my money back.
35:38You gotta work as a team.
35:39Nigga, go get it.
35:40Go get it.
35:41I hear my wife in the room.
35:42Give me that goddamn money.
35:43What'd I tell you about working that nigga?
35:45That's my motherfucking money, goddamn it.
35:48I'm sucking to comedy, dick.
35:50Nigga, my wife come back in the bedroom like...
35:53Fifteen minutes go by.
35:55She ain't told me shit about my money.
35:58I said, uh, baby, you wanna bring up the money?
36:01Uh, was she listening?
36:03I said, yeah, my money.
36:05No, nigga, I said, I suck the comedy dick.
36:08It's my money.
36:09Nigga, I couldn't say shit.
36:16Shit, you took the money, put it in your mouth.
36:18Shit.
36:21Hell yeah, nigga, shit.
36:22Like I said, I'm 52.
36:24Shit, I need some head.
36:27You know what I mean?
36:28We don't fuck like we used to.
36:29I'ma be honest, nigga.
36:30But I see the older men in here.
36:31Nah, here, come on, be quiet now.
36:32Speak for yourself.
36:33Shit, you over 50, nigga, your dick dies.
36:37Sometimes you can feel it.
36:38The head, you alright?
36:39And he'll look up at you.
36:42I don't know.
36:43I don't know.
36:46You try to jack him off like when you was a teenager.
36:48Come on, man.
36:49Come back.
36:50Nigga, leave me alone.
36:53You shrink.
36:55I'm tired, Eddie.
36:56I'm tired.
36:5752 years, nigga.
36:59I'm a soldier.
37:00That's why I got a helmet.
37:03I stay in the trenches, nigga, back and forth, in and out.
37:06We ain't got no more bullets left.
37:10I'm shootin' now, Eddie.
37:11Look at that.
37:15Leave me alone, nigga.
37:17Leave me alone.
37:18Put me back in the drawers.
37:27Then you take one of them Cialis' reporting for duty, sir.
37:32Now I just tell my wife, you know, I'll be honest with her.
37:34I'll be like, you know, baby, I need a jump start.
37:39Yeah, old niggas in here don't lie, nigga.
37:42Shit.
37:43If your wife don't suck dick, you gettin' rid of that bitch.
37:46You over 50, baby, I need a jump start.
37:48You get a nigga...
37:49Blah, blah, blah, blah.
37:50Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
37:51Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
38:02Don't laugh, ladies.
38:03I see y'all motherfuckers.
38:05Y'all pussy dying right now.
38:08Old pussy dies.
38:10It dies.
38:11It's beat up its whole motherfucking life.
38:14Gravity don't give a fuck, nigga.
38:18It pulls on them lips.
38:20Them motherfuckers get long as fuck, nigga.
38:23It look like that extra bologna meat on the side of the bread.
38:27Don't nobody want no pussy they gotta roll up to get.
38:31Nigga, what you doing?
38:32I'm rolling this pussy up so I can hit it.
38:37How many of y'all have a fucking woman on their pier?
38:40Oh, fuck y'all lying-ass motherfuckers.
38:43Now y'all gonna be in the SLS bougie.
38:47You're a lying motherfucker.
38:49Ain't no man gonna wait no goddamn week on no pussy.
38:52That's why every household got that old raggedy towel.
38:56Lay that towel down so we don't fuck these sheets up.
38:59That's the only time a little dick motherfucker
39:01probably feel like he did something.
39:04Nigga, like, blood everywhere, nigga.
39:05It's a crime scene.
39:09Get the forensics.
39:10Hell yeah, nigga.
39:13I ain't saying I got the biggest dick on earth.
39:16But, nigga, I get return visits.
39:20Hell yeah, nigga.
39:21If a bitch look for you and you ain't seen her in a long time,
39:24you did something the last time.
39:26If you don't get a return visit, you can't fuck.
39:29And women talk.
39:31If you got a little dick, your whole block know.
39:34All women can't help themselves.
39:35You wouldn't be walking down the street.
39:38Uh-huh.
39:39That nigga talked all that shit, Eddie.
39:42Showed up with his little brother's dick.
39:46The nigga whipped his dick out,
39:48I threw baby powder on it.
39:49If I had a little dick, I would kill myself.
39:54You know, if God give me all this fucking talent and shit, nigga,
39:57and opportunity and no dick,
39:59just kill yourself.
40:01You know, bitch show up, nigga.
40:02Well, that's all you got?
40:04I'd kill myself.
40:06Hell, motherfucking.
40:07Yeah, shit.
40:08That's why I got ten kids.
40:09I be deep
40:10up in them.
40:12I'm gonna make the furniture move.
40:18All up in the chest.
40:21Yeah, if you can't have kids,
40:22it's because your dick is small.
40:24You dropping the sperm off so far away from the egg,
40:28they die before they ever get there.
40:32How deep is this bitch?
40:35We've been swimming for niggas, months.
40:39Some of them never get in there,
40:40little dick motherfucker.
40:41Bust on the outside.
40:42They be swimming around the lips.
40:46I drop mine off right at the egg.
40:48They come out.
40:48Thanks for the ride.
40:49Get you pregnant.
40:53Hell, motherfucking again, nigga.
40:55If y'all don't remember a motherfucking thing
40:57I said at night, please remember this.
40:59You're born a winner.
41:01Everybody in this room is a winner.
41:03You understand me?
41:04When our fathers busted a nut,
41:06every time we busted a nut,
41:08there's billions of sperm.
41:10Only one can make it to the egg.
41:12We all made it there first.
41:15Nigga, you born a winner.
41:16Stop letting the world teach your ass how to lose.
41:18When we got to that egg, nigga,
41:21bust that nut pile.
41:23Nigga, I got this.
41:24Nigga, you getting the egg?
41:25Nigga, I'm in this bitch.
41:27I won.
41:28Nigga, I'm coming.
41:28Nigga, I'm coming.
41:30The sperm that don't make it?
41:31Man, that's fucked up.
41:33Nigga, I've been next to you for five years
41:35and this nigga left nut.
41:37Come on, let another nigga in.
41:38We could be twins.
41:41Too late, nigga.
41:41I'm already mutating.
41:42Pop, now what we gonna do?
41:47This old arrogant motherfucker
41:49ain't letting nobody else in.
41:50Selfish-ass nigga!
41:52You ain't gonna be shit.
41:53You gonna work at McDonald's with a paper hat.
41:56Nigga had doctor in me!
41:59Pop, what we gonna do?
42:00Junior,
42:02this ain't gonna go good for us.
42:04We gonna have to swim back the way we came.
42:09We gonna end up in that bitch's panties.
42:12Yeah, they gonna call us a discharge.
42:21Then we gonna dry out.
42:22It's gonna be a crunchy crouch.
42:28That nigga gonna be looking for something
42:29in the dirty clothes house
42:30and come across the crunchy crouch.
42:32He gonna be intrigued.
42:33He gonna squeeze us.
42:34We gonna flake off like snowflakes.
42:36Now, that's if we in a good, honest woman.
42:40What if he bust a nut
42:41and we end up in a nasty, stanky bitch?
42:44We swim back the way we came
42:46and another nigga's eating a pussy.
42:50We end up in this nigga's throat.
42:53I don't want to be in no other nigga's throat.
42:55I'll take the crunchy panties every day.
42:58Hey, Junior,
42:58won't you do me a favor?
43:00Swim up ahead
43:01and see if the closest is clear.
43:02Shut up.
43:05Nigga hand!
43:11What, y'all thought y'all was just gonna see comedy today?
43:13Shit, I got magic in my show.
43:16I got a magical nigga hand
43:17to show up with gifts.
43:18Look at my wife in my hair.
43:20I want a nigger hand.
43:22Y'all used to have old niggas.
43:23You fucked it up.
43:24Y'all used to have old niggas.
43:25Mm-hmm.
43:27Ah, shit.
43:28Hey, you going over there, motherfucker.
43:31And you, replacement.
43:32Y'all need to try this drink too, nigga.
43:34Ah, it's called the Eddie Griffin.
43:36It's champagne mixed with a shot of Patron.
43:38Oh, I know y'all didn't think
43:40I be getting this fucked up
43:41just on champagne.
43:43It's that Patron
43:44that don't leave you alone
43:45get off in your dome
43:46and make you miss your home.
43:49That's why I be sipping these bitches.
43:51Because Patron don't give a fuck.
43:53Patron has your ass stuck.
43:55Now, there's gonna be
43:56some hard nigga in here
43:57talking shit.
43:57Nigga, give me 17
43:58or whatever that little nigga has.
44:00Y'all gonna see that nigga
44:01later at the club, nigga.
44:05Patron have your body
44:06talk to itself.
44:07Legs, how we doing?
44:09I wouldn't take another step
44:10if I was you.
44:11You gonna bust your motherfucker head.
44:13That's why I locked up.
44:14I locked up, nigga.
44:15Hey, lungs.
44:16We need air.
44:17Eyes.
44:18I can't see.
44:19Ears.
44:20Huh?
44:20Ears.
44:21Huh?
44:22Hot.
44:22Nigga, it's all over.
44:24Dick, how you doing?
44:25I already pissed
44:25all over the shoes.
44:29You ever been so fucked up
44:31you throw up in your own hat?
44:35I had one new days, nigga.
44:37That was a shit.
44:38Y'all remember this shit
44:38called Sherm?
44:40Yeah, we called them
44:41Wet Daddies back home, nigga.
44:42So this is a partner of mine, nigga,
44:44motherfucking Junebug, nigga.
44:45He was a neighborhood dope fiend
44:47and one night he came back, nigga,
44:49with a little joint.
44:50You know, I smoked weed
44:51but I didn't know
44:51what the fuck that was.
44:52It stunk.
44:54And I hit that motherfucker
44:55thinking it's regular weed.
44:56I hit it, hit it, hit it, hit it.
44:59That Sherm make you heat up.
45:01Nigga, I started
45:02taking everything off, nigga.
45:03I'm running down the street
45:05asshole naked
45:06with just my hat on.
45:08They said I jumped over
45:09over to the I-70 freeway
45:11and was pissing on cars coming by.
45:14So they called my first wife, Carla.
45:17Carla, come and get Eddie.
45:18This nigga fucked up.
45:19So Carla pulled up.
45:20We had this Buick Massaver, nigga.
45:22She pulled up.
45:22Nigga, what is wrong with you?
45:24What did they give you?
45:24I don't know, baby,
45:25but I'm at work.
45:28She said, huh?
45:29I said, I gotta wash the cars.
45:30I gotta wash the cars.
45:34She said, get your ass
45:35in the goddamn car.
45:37Nigga, I sat in the back seat
45:38because I always wanted
45:39to be famous.
45:40So I made her feel
45:41like a limo driver.
45:42I got in the back seat, nigga.
45:44Nigga, I'm back there fucked up.
45:46Nigga, I don't know
45:47what it is when we high,
45:49but ladies,
45:49this is the only time
45:50we can tell y'all
45:51how we really love you.
45:53You know, when we sober,
45:54you be like,
45:54baby, do you love me?
45:55What the hell
45:56you talking about?
45:57Baby, do you love me?
45:59Is the food refrigerator?
46:01Is the lights on?
46:03And what the fuck
46:03you asking me stupid shit for?
46:05When we fucked up?
46:07Man.
46:09Man.
46:11Man.
46:13When y'all hear that,
46:14y'all already know
46:14y'all getting ready
46:15to get y'all sense.
46:16Man.
46:17Man.
46:18I love you, man.
46:20I love you, man.
46:22I love you.
46:25I love you.
46:26You take care of me
46:27when I don't take care of me.
46:29I love you, baby.
46:31I love you.
46:32You got a big booty.
46:34I married your booty, baby.
46:35I married your booty.
46:40And I did, too.
46:42I ain't never getting that fucked up again, nigga.
46:46I threw up in my motherfucking hat, nigga.
46:48Shit started bubbling.
46:49I was like...
46:50And put that motherfucker back on.
46:55I woke up the next morning, nigga.
46:57I had all kind of corn and shit in the nigga's throat.
46:58It took two days to get that shit out.
47:01And you know what fucks me up?
47:03Every time you throw up,
47:04why is there corn?
47:06I ain't had corn since last fucking July.
47:09Where the fuck do corn keep coming from?
47:11You take a shit, there's corn.
47:14It's like corn just hang out in your intestines.
47:16I'll leave when I want to leave.
47:17Ladies, don't get it twisted, though.
47:22We love you like a motherfucker.
47:23Whoever wrote this statement was real honest, man.
47:26Can't live with you.
47:27Can't live without you.
47:29Living with you is a motherfucker.
47:32Y'all motherfuckers will find a way
47:33to fuck up a relationship
47:35when it's right at its best.
47:37You know what I mean?
47:37I don't know why y'all do it.
47:38It's autopilot.
47:40Things are too good.
47:41I must fuck it up.
47:44You know what I'm saying?
47:45This is when you finally, like, nigga,
47:46Damn, I love my wife, man.
47:48Look at my beautiful children.
47:49Look at this fucking house, nigga.
47:51We doing this shit.
47:55We need to talk about what?
47:58See, that's what I'm talking about.
48:00You don't even know what I want to talk about.
48:03Why do y'all play that fucking riddle me shit?
48:05Bitch, what the fuck you want to say?
48:08Ain't no goddamn psychic.
48:10You didn't notice I did my hair.
48:12Yo hair?
48:13This is what we talking about?
48:14I didn't notice you did your motherfucking hair.
48:16You did it.
48:17You like it?
48:18Ha-ha.
48:20You gonna fuck up this relationship
48:22with that bullshit?
48:22All right, bitch, let's play this game.
48:24You didn't notice I got a new gray hair
48:26on my left nut.
48:28Now we both didn't notice some shit.
48:32That's when they run out the room.
48:33Yeah!
48:35Bitch, buy the game on.
48:36Ladies, we love you, but we need your help.
48:44You know what I'm saying, man?
48:45I think that we need a female president myself.
48:49Real talk.
48:50You know what I mean?
48:53Because America's fucked up right now.
48:55You know, my motherfuckers talk about,
48:56America's the greatest country on earth.
48:58No, we not.
48:59We steal kids from their parents
49:01down at our motherfucking border in the south, nigga.
49:05We kidnap motherfucking kids.
49:07That ain't nothing to be proud of.
49:08This nation ain't great.
49:10It's like being an alcoholic.
49:11You can't cure yourself
49:12till you admit you fucked up.
49:14As long as we keep running around
49:16lying to ourselves,
49:16marriage is the greatest country on earth.
49:18No, motherfuckers, we fucked up.
49:20And we gotta fix this shit.
49:21It needs a mother and spirit.
49:23Because men, we got testosterone.
49:25All we gonna do is look at how big my dick is.
49:27Throw the bitch up.
49:28Ha ha ha.
49:29We need a female up in there
49:31to caress this nation, nigga,
49:32and raise this motherfucker up
49:33and turn it back into a family.
49:38But once a goddamn month,
49:40we gonna have to take
49:41the missile codes from her.
49:44Yeah, that PMS shit.
49:46That bitch get the codes.
49:47Blow up everybody.
49:52Because women,
49:52y'all bad motherfuckers.
49:54Y'all can work
49:55while you on your period.
49:58You understand me?
49:58You on your period for a week.
49:59You don't die.
50:00You got the string hanging
50:01and still go to work.
50:02Go on to work.
50:04That's because men are in charge.
50:07You understand me?
50:07I believe every woman
50:08should get that week off
50:09when they're on their period.
50:10with pain, nigga.
50:13You understand me?
50:14Because you don't want
50:15that bitch at the job anyway.
50:17That bitch coming to work,
50:18what y'all looking at?
50:18What the fuck are on your mind?
50:20Baby, just go home.
50:21Just go home.
50:22That's why it's called PMS, nigga.
50:24Pain, misery, and shit.
50:29Nigga, if men had periods,
50:31watch how quick
50:32that law would pass.
50:34If we had periods, nigga,
50:35because we got testosterone,
50:38it'd be a whole different trip.
50:40Nigga be walking around,
50:41I'm on my period, nigga.
50:43What's wrong with you?
50:44Nigga, I got blood
50:45coming out my dick, nigga.
50:47I got to wear this cotton sleeve
50:48with your twisty tie.
50:52I'm on my period, nigga.
50:53And nigga, it'd be a period walk, nigga.
50:55Women would know
50:56that nigga on his period
50:56looking at a walk.
50:57Everybody be sounding like Bernie Mac.
51:02Who the fuck you looking at,
51:03motherfucker?
51:04Who the fuck is that motherfucker
51:05looking at, nigga?
51:07Come on, motherfucker, Pia.
51:08Come on, motherfucker, Pia.
51:16Hell, motherfucker, yeah, nigga, shit.
51:19Y'all some bad motherfuckers.
51:20And ladies, y'all know
51:21when y'all on your period,
51:21y'all still go to a club.
51:23Then they'll meet in the bathroom.
51:25Girl, you got a tampon.
51:26I ran out.
51:28You know, bitches say shit like that.
51:30Here you go, girl.
51:30One side spit off.
51:33Nigga, we had periods.
51:34Nigga be in the bathroom.
51:35Hey, hey, my nigga.
51:37You got an actual sleeve on you?
51:39Here you go.
51:40Nigga, what am I doing
51:41with this little bitty shit?
51:42I need the junk bowls, nigga.
51:45Nigga, I'm wearing white.
51:46I got a gold.
51:46This shit about the show, nigga.
51:51I went back home
51:52to Kansas City
51:53a few weeks ago.
51:55So my Uncle James
51:56has got fourth-stage cancer.
51:58So he called me up, nigga,
52:00and he said,
52:02Eddie, they told me,
52:05you know,
52:05I don't know how much time
52:06I got left,
52:07and you're my favorite nephew.
52:10I want you to come back,
52:11you know.
52:12So I want to be able
52:12to tell all the,
52:14well, not everybody in the family,
52:15just the ones I love.
52:17I just want to be able
52:18to tell all of y'all
52:19to kiss my black ass
52:20one last time.
52:21I said,
52:23Unc, I'd be honored
52:24to come back
52:26and let you tell me
52:27to kiss your black ass
52:28one last time.
52:30So, nigga,
52:30I gathered up to cousins
52:31and family from L.A.
52:33and out here in Vegas, nigga.
52:34We flew back home.
52:36We at James' house, nigga.
52:37James had a table set up
52:39with every liquor
52:41you could think of,
52:42weed, all kind of shit.
52:43I said, nigga,
52:44he said,
52:44you ain't got to bring shit,
52:45shit, I'm dying.
52:46I sold the house, nigga,
52:47we gonna drink up
52:48the crib tonight.
52:50Nigga, we sitting there
52:51getting drunk and shit,
52:53and nigga, look,
52:55those that have been
52:55fans of mine for a while,
52:57I remember dysfunctional family,
52:58y'all met my uncles,
53:00Curtis, James, Bucky,
53:01and my mama, right?
53:03So, nigga,
53:03they all sitting around.
53:04Now, our generation
53:05listen to these niggas talk.
53:08Nigga,
53:09they was sitting there
53:10with one of them's wives,
53:11nigga, talking about,
53:12yeah, we all fucked her.
53:14I think James was
53:15the first one to fuck her.
53:16Was it you, James?
53:18No, it was Bucky's nigga.
53:19Bucky got it first,
53:19and then Curtis hit it,
53:21and she right there saying,
53:22yep, yep,
53:23it was you, James.
53:25I fucked you first.
53:27Bucky's little motherfucking ass
53:28and dancing nigga,
53:29I had to give him some pussy,
53:31and I gave Curtis
53:33some big old horse dick nigga.
53:34I didn't go back there no more.
53:36But I stayed with you, James,
53:38because you had the right stroke.
53:39Nigga, me and my brother
53:40and my cousin
53:41were sitting there,
53:42nigga,
53:42we ain't gonna have
53:45no stories to match
53:46this shit with
53:46our little youngest
53:47when we the old motherfucker
53:49sitting around
53:49playing bid with.
53:50Yeah, hey, baby, bruh.
53:52Yeah, yeah, that shit.
53:53Remember that time
53:53I didn't fuck your wife?
53:56You remember that time
53:56you didn't fuck none of mine?
53:58Boy and that shit?
53:59But he had a good time, nigga.
54:03He was sitting there,
54:04he got fucked up and drunk,
54:06and then the nigga
54:06went to the hospital,
54:08and they told him
54:09he's got at least 17 more years.
54:15This nigga done drunk the house up.
54:19This nigga gonna be homeless
54:20for 17 years.
54:21I ain't gonna let the nigga
54:24go home with this shit.
54:24I bought the nigga house back.
54:28Hell, motherfucker, yeah.
54:29Nigga, love that that shit.
54:32Hell, yeah.
54:32Yeah, I didn't have no father, nigga.
54:34Them was my three father figures.
54:36You know what I mean?
54:37Man.
54:41And my mother was like,
54:41Ed, you're such a great dad
54:43with your kids, nigga.
54:43You didn't have a father.
54:44I said, nigga,
54:45I made a promise.
54:46I'm gonna be the father
54:46that I always wanted.
54:48It's easy to do shit.
54:49As a kid,
54:51you know what you want
54:52a father to do.
54:52Well, nigga,
54:53that's what I'm doing for mine.
54:55You know what I mean?
54:55Shit, we gonna go play catch, nigga.
54:57All right, nigga,
54:57let's knuckle up, nigga.
54:59Tighten that jab up.
55:00Twist it, nigga.
55:00Twist it.
55:01You know what I mean?
55:02Drop that hook on him, nigga.
55:04You know, just basic shit.
55:06Take the trash out,
55:06little fucker.
55:11Hell, yeah, nigga.
55:12Daughters are so hard to raise, nigga.
55:15Shit.
55:16Yeah, they're terrorists, nigga,
55:18and they hustlers.
55:18You give your son a football,
55:20he'll play with that same football
55:21till he make it to the pros
55:22making money playing football.
55:24You buy your daughter a Barbie doll,
55:25now it needs a Ken doll.
55:27Now they need friends.
55:28Now they need an apartment.
55:29Now they need a car.
55:30Now they need some fucking clothes and shit.
55:32This shit going for 18 years.
55:33They'll break your ass.
55:35Why you think a fucking father
55:37is so happy to give his daughter
55:38away at a wedding?
55:40Nigga, it's your problem now.
55:42I hope you got a good job.
55:44That little bitch broke me.
55:45And God made sure
55:48they can't come back.
55:50When you get married,
55:51your last name changed.
55:53She tried to come back.
55:54Daddy,
55:55just wondering if you could
55:56help us on the light bill.
55:57He just lost his job.
55:59I told you the nigga wasn't shit
56:00when you brought him by the house.
56:02But no,
56:03you was so in love.
56:04Let's see if love
56:05will turn them lights back on.
56:06I only take Ed Griffin's
56:09user Williams now.
56:14All right,
56:14let me get out of here,
56:15y'all.
56:15I got to go
56:15because I got another show
56:16in September.
56:22It'll take a minute
56:23to get ready for this shit.
56:27Look at here, y'all.
56:28Y'all been wonderful.
56:29I'm E.G.
56:31G.C.
56:32God's child.
56:33One time for your mind
56:35and never let a hater
56:36rent a motherfucking moment
56:37of time in your mind.
56:39Take the Lord with you.
56:40Yeah, I'd like to
57:08to bring us down.
57:12Hey, I'd like to
57:13see us well.
57:17Hey, I'd like to
57:19stand in line today.
57:23What'll never happen
57:24no way, no way.
57:27Hey, I'd like to
57:28sit and stare.
57:32Hey, I'd like to
57:38over here.
57:52Hey, I'd like to
57:54see you in this
57:54video.
57:55Hey, I'd like to
57:56listen,
57:56hear you,
57:57and I'll
57:57hear you.
57:58And then,
57:58let me
58:00listen,
58:00let me
58:00hear you.
58:03See you,
58:03get me
58:04the
58:0580
58:0680
58:0780
58:0880
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