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dcaligari
  • 2 months ago
Premiere episode of the series

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00You have a vacancy sign outside?
00:02Yes, you two are in luck.
00:04Just one room left, nice and cozy with a view of the ocean.
00:08You don't have two rooms?
00:10Two rooms? That's silly.
00:11We'd be wasting money.
00:13We're not married.
00:14Did I ask?
00:20I love my mom and dad and my brothers, too.
00:24And the groovy way we get along.
00:28Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong,
00:31my mom starts to sing this familiar song.
00:34Wait till your father gets,
00:36until your father gets,
00:38wait till your father gets home.
00:41Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad.
00:44And we aren't about to desert him.
00:48Kids today like to have their own way,
00:51and what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him.
00:54I think my mom's just swell.
00:56But she starts to yell.
00:58Every time we have a bus.
01:01Just wait till your father gets,
01:04until your father gets,
01:05wait till your father gets home.
01:07See what I mean?
01:09Wait till your father gets home.
01:11We know.
01:25And does anybody want any more cake?
01:32Are you kidding?
01:34I'm stuffed.
01:35Me too.
01:36I'll have another piece.
01:37Another setback for Weight Watchers.
01:39Oh daddy, you and your Victorian ideas.
01:44I refuse to starve myself to become just a sex symbol.
01:48You're also doing your bit for ecology.
01:51We're the only family that has no garbage.
01:53Harry, please.
01:55She's a growing girl.
01:56By the minute.
01:58I've got some homework to do.
02:00I thought you did it this afternoon.
02:02I did.
02:03This is Charlie Taylor's homework.
02:05He pays me 10 cents.
02:06You're taking 10 cents to do someone else's homework?
02:11I don't think I approve.
02:12I don't either.
02:13But that's all he can afford.
02:17Chad, I want to talk to you.
02:19Chad.
02:22What do I have to do to get through to you?
02:24Transmit on FM?
02:28I heard of a job today that should be perfect for you.
02:31They're looking for an apprentice teller at the bank.
02:34Gee, I'd like to meditate a little more
02:36to find out what direction to take with my life.
02:39Which job to take is a serious decision.
02:41And it would be nice if you reached it before you were ready for social security.
02:47You've got to understand, Pop.
02:49I don't want a job that's just work.
02:51All right.
02:52I'll talk to the bank.
02:53Maybe they'll put a golf course in the men's room.
02:57Chad, you've been out of college for almost a year.
02:59Now, how much longer can you meditate?
03:01Well, maybe this just isn't the right environment for it.
03:05I just might go to one of those communes.
03:06You know, sit naked in the sun and ponder.
03:11A nudist commune?
03:13Don't worry.
03:13If he doesn't get a haircut soon, nobody will notice.
03:23Hello?
03:24Oh, yes.
03:25Just a minute.
03:27It's for you, Daddy.
03:29Why are you so surprised?
03:30Last time I heard, the phone was listed under my name.
03:33It's a woman.
03:35Oh?
03:35Hello?
03:36Oh, Miss Peterson.
03:38Oh, really?
03:40Sure, I'll be happy to.
03:42I'll be there in about 20 minutes.
03:45Goodbye.
03:46Oh, boy, that's all I need.
03:48Miss Peterson is fogged in at the airport, and I have to drive her back to San Diego.
03:52San Diego?
03:54Oh, that's a long drive.
03:55Well, I can't turn her down.
03:57She's one of my biggest customers.
03:58I ought to be back by 1130.
04:03If I'm a little late, tell Johnny Carson to start without me.
04:10Hey, perfect timing.
04:11I'm ready, too.
04:12Ready for what?
04:13The lodge meeting.
04:15Look, you'll have to go on without me.
04:16I gotta drive someone to San Diego.
04:19But I need you there.
04:20I'm counting on you to help me blackball that prospective new member, Morris Rappaport.
04:25Rappaport?
04:26Why should I want to blackball him?
04:28You know he's one of them.
04:31Them?
04:32Oh, you mean because he's, uh...
04:34Yeah, them.
04:36And no self-respecting lodge has, too.
04:38We gotta stop it right now, or the next lodge dinner's gonna turn into a matzo ball festival.
04:42I like matzo balls.
04:44But it's boring.
04:45Oh, I don't know how to break this to you, Ralph, but the recipe for them pepperoni pizzas you put away every night,
04:51they didn't come over on the Mayflower.
04:53Boy, they're getting to you, Harry.
04:56Today it's matzo balls, tomorrow it'll be herring.
04:59You're gonna come home one night, and them pork chops on your plate are gonna be kosher.
05:04I don't think that's possible, Ralph.
05:06Good Americans being sucked in.
05:08If George Washington were alive today, he'd drop dead.
05:11Look, I gotta go to San Diego, but even if I didn't, I'd vote for Morris Rappaport anyway.
05:16So long, Ralph.
05:17Why, it's really funny how the fog lifted.
05:26Yeah, well, we're, we're halfway there.
05:29One thing about this car, it doesn't have a coach lounge and a choice of two movies like an airplane,
05:34but it gets you where you're going.
05:38Sometimes.
05:39Are you sure Miss Peterson is one of Daddy's customers?
05:45Well, I never met her personally, but why shouldn't I be sure?
05:51Oh, well.
05:51What do you mean by that?
05:54Nothing, Mother, nothing.
05:55Look, it's getting late.
05:57Don't you think you ought to be going to bed?
05:59No, I think I'll just stay up a bit longer, in case you need someone to talk to.
06:05About what?
06:06Oh, anything, like maybe what happens to a seemingly solid marriage after a lot of years.
06:12Alice, this is real life, not Peyton's place.
06:19Hello?
06:20Hi, Irma, it's me.
06:21Harry, where are you? Are you all right?
06:24The car broke down, and it can't be fixed until morning.
06:27So what are you going to do?
06:29Well, we ran into one bit of luck.
06:32There's a place to stay overnight right next to the gas station here.
06:35Overnight?
06:36Yeah, it's not a bad-looking spot.
06:38It's the, uh, the waterbed motel.
06:42The waterbed motel.
06:46You have a vacancy sign outside.
06:47Yes, you two are in luck.
06:49Just one room left, nice and cozy, with a view of the ocean.
06:52So you don't have two rooms?
06:54Two rooms? That's silly.
06:55You'd be wasting money.
06:57We're not married.
06:59Did I ask?
07:02Uh, you take the room, and I'll sleep in the car.
07:04Hold it, buddy. That one's been pulled on me too many times.
07:08Pay for a single, then you sneak in and...
07:11Miss Peterson, you sign the register. How much for a single?
07:15Ten bucks. Cheapskate.
07:18Oh, really? I mean, I just feel terrible about you having to sleep in the car.
07:23Oh, I'll be all right. Don't worry. Give the lady the key.
07:28I'm warning you, mister. You better stay in the car, because I'll be watching you all night.
07:34Mac, I hope your rooms are a lot cleaner than your mine.
07:38I happen to run a very respectable place.
07:41We even get some people here who stay for the whole night.
07:44We even get some people here.
08:14Well, I'll be
08:1930 years in the motel business
08:23And this is a first
08:25Did Mom talk to you this morning about Pop and Miss Peterson?
08:33Not a word
08:34I guess she's completely overcome
08:36I've always tried to maintain a hands-off attitude toward them
08:40But a time does come in a family when you just have to step in and straighten things out
08:46I sure hope we can help
08:48Because as parents go, we've got just about the greatest there are
08:52Mama, sit down
08:56Now? Can't you see I'm making lunch?
08:59This is important, sit down
09:00Please, Mom, we're just here to talk and we're not going to upset you
09:04Right, now about Pop's affair with Miss Peterson
09:07I don't want to hear about it
09:09According to Helen Gurley Brown, what Pop needs
09:14Another woman?
09:16Where did Pop meet this one?
09:18Helen Gurley Brown is a writer
09:20Sure, a housewife isn't good enough for him anymore
09:23Mom, Pop doesn't know her
09:26She writes about men and women
09:28And she says
09:29Jamie, why don't you go out and play?
09:34I've been playing all morning
09:36Go out and play some more
09:37How much can a kid play?
09:39You want me to get a heart attack?
09:40Then go buy yourself an ice cream cone
09:42I don't want to dig into my savings chest for that
09:45Here's a dime, it's on me
09:47I like a double scoop
09:48That's 20 cents
09:50Okay, here
09:51Thanks
09:52According to Helen Gurley Brown, Daddy has reached that dangerous psychological age where you've got to expect this
10:02But one little case of infidelity should be
10:04Alice
10:04Believe me, Daddy isn't that tight
10:07It'll probably never happen again
10:09That's right
10:10Pop's too old for that
10:11Thank you for your help
10:14If you'll excuse me now, I think I'll go have a nervous breakdown
10:18Hi, I'm home
10:22Boy, what a night I had
10:24We can imagine
10:25I'm getting too old for this
10:28What's going on?
10:31It's not midnight in your home
10:32Somebody steal your motorcycle?
10:35I wanted to be here when you got home
10:36To tell you we don't hate you
10:38Huh?
10:38We mean it
10:39We don't hate you
10:40Well, that's fine, son
10:42Just fine
10:43And more important
10:44We want you to know we'll try to understand
10:47Understand what?
10:48That you're only human
10:49And that a man of your age is pressured by needs of virility statements and ego outlets
10:54And lowered libido thresholds
10:56Hey, come back and translate that
11:00Grandma, what's with the kids?
11:03Your lunch is ready
11:05All right, now I hope you all have the picture
11:16She slept in the motel room
11:17And I slept in the car
11:19I don't know why I have to make all these explanations to my own children
11:22Oh, there was a little action
11:25I swatted a mosquito
11:27Oh, you believe me, don't you, Irma?
11:29Well, I...
11:30You believe him, it's better that way
11:31I don't want her to say she believes me
11:33I want her to believe me
11:34Pop, just what is this lady to you?
11:37She is not a lady, she's a customer
11:39Now, that's a word you wouldn't understand
11:41It has to do with a job and work
11:43You see, I have to be nice to customers
11:45You're luckier than I am
11:47You have something I don't have
11:49An employed father
11:50Now, can we drop the whole thing?
11:54Daddy, avoidance only makes your guilt complex more obvious
11:57I am not guilty
11:58I am not guilty
12:00I did not commit adultery
12:02Daddy, please
12:04Refer to it as self-expression
12:06All right, I did not commit self-expression
12:09And what are you doing here?
12:12I live here
12:12I'm your favorite child, remember?
12:15Oh, yeah
12:15I'm sorry, Jamie
12:16That's okay
12:18Hey, where were you last night, Pop?
12:20Honestly, I was with a mosquito
12:22Huh?
12:24Never mind
12:24Why don't you go out and buy yourself an ice cream cone?
12:27I already had one today
12:28Well, then go and get a pizza
12:30They're a dollar
12:31Okay, here
12:33Oh, sorry, I only have a five
12:35That's all right
12:36I have change
12:37Thanks
12:40Now, where was I?
12:43You were defending yourself
12:45Badly
12:46I was not defending myself
12:47How can I defend myself when I have nothing to defend?
12:55Hello?
12:57Yes, just a minute
12:59It's for you, Daddy
13:01It's her
13:03Who's her?
13:05Who else?
13:06Miss Peterson
13:07Oh
13:08Uh, hello?
13:10Hello, Miss Peterson
13:11Oh, well
13:12Don't mention it
13:14It was my pleasure
13:15I mean
13:16I mean, I was glad to do it
13:20I mean
13:21You're welcome
13:23Anytime
13:24No
13:25I don't need that
13:26Goodbye
13:27She was just thanking me for going through all that trouble
13:32Irma, I'm Harry Boyle
13:39You're a simple man
13:40Look at me
13:41What do you see?
13:52Like you said, Pop
13:53We understand
13:54Hiya, Romeo
14:00Ralph
14:01Hey, I'm surprised to see you out cutting the hedges
14:03I figured after all that amour to yours last night
14:07You'd be too, uh, tired
14:09How did you pick up that wild story?
14:12It's all over the neighborhood
14:13Tomorrow it's gonna be in the throwaway papers
14:16Oh, boy
14:17I ain't blaming you, Harry
14:19You had no way of knowing you were being used
14:22Used?
14:22Come on, Harry
14:24It's one of the oldest carny tricks in the book
14:27What?
14:28The name you're with
14:29She's obviously what we call your ruski spy
14:32Nancy Peterson?
14:34Alias Natasha Petrovich
14:36Oh, come on
14:38Get off it, will ya?
14:39Harry
14:40It is obvious
14:41There's the nose in your face
14:42Now, what's holding this country together?
14:45Huh?
14:45Huh?
14:45Huh?
14:46The family unit
14:47And what's the best way to break up the country?
14:50Break up the family unit
14:51Am I right?
14:52Am I right?
14:52Am I right?
14:55Oh, why didn't I let the hedge grow?
14:57They see you
14:58A solid family man
15:00They send this Natasha sex part after you
15:02And pow!
15:04Another crack in Fortress America
15:06Ralph, I know it's a waste of time
15:08Trying to talk any sense into you
15:10But I've known her for years
15:12She's a customer
15:13Naturally
15:14They always have a great cover
15:17You don't know it
15:18But you've been making love to a lieutenant
15:20In the OGPU
15:21What we call your odd poo
15:23Oh, lay off, will ya?
15:26I've got enough trouble with my wife and kids
15:28It's your own fault, Harry
15:30None of this would've happened
15:31If you'd stayed home
15:32To help me blackball Morris Rappaport
15:34I'm glad you're home, Pop
15:40You're actually speaking to me?
15:43The Elm Street Bluebeard?
15:45Please, we have to be calm
15:47It's only through meaningful dialogue
15:49That we can come to understand
15:50Your complete moral breakdown
15:52For the last time
15:55It wasn't my morals that broke down
15:57It was my fuel pump
15:58Now, Pop
15:59Because, I might add
16:01I'm driving an eight-year-old clunker
16:03So we can make payments
16:04On your brother's new motorcycle
16:05You needed a virility reassurance
16:07And you...
16:08Jamie
16:09Do you have to be here?
16:11Yep
16:11I'm waiting
16:12For what?
16:13For someone to send me out
16:14For something expensive
16:16Here's a dollar
16:18Go to the movies
16:19Well?
16:21You don't expect me
16:22To go alone, do you?
16:28Hang in there, Pop
16:30Gee
16:33Nobody ever took me
16:35To the movies before
16:36Where are you getting
16:37All the money?
16:38It's mostly leavings
16:40Leaving?
16:41Yeah, you know
16:42Getting paid
16:43For leaving the room
16:44Tell me
16:46What does
16:47Self-expression mean?
16:49Just being able to talk
16:51Why?
16:52Because you get in big trouble
16:54If you try it in San Diego
16:55It's silly
16:59I won't do it
17:00But you have to, Mom
17:02You have to turn on
17:03The sex appeal
17:04A woman has to fight
17:05To keep her mate
17:06Fight?
17:08I'm too busy
17:09That's just it
17:10You've got to break out
17:11Of that humdrum
17:12Housewife image
17:13And compete with
17:14Miss Peterson
17:14And on her own terms
17:16Unfortunately
17:17The male chauvinist ego
17:19Makes them judge a woman
17:20By her appearance
17:21But if that's what
17:22Daddy wants
17:23Let's give it to him
17:24Right after classes tomorrow
17:26I am taking you
17:27To the
17:27Fling Your Thing boutique
17:29Harry
17:32I'm your pal
17:33And I'm not
17:34Gonna let you down
17:35I figured out a way
17:37To break it up
17:37Between you
17:38And up there
17:38Ninochka
17:39Her name is Nancy
17:41And there's nothing
17:41To break up
17:42Sure, sure, sure, sure
17:43Now, here's what you do
17:44You call up this
17:46Commie spy in San Diego
17:48And ask her
17:50If she's got a friend
17:51For me
17:52Look, Ralph
17:53Then we, uh
17:54Double date down there
17:56Apply them with vodka
17:58That's their favorite drink
17:59You know
17:59Oh, they love it
18:01Get some talk
18:02I get their names
18:04Rank, serial number
18:05And take away
18:05Their microfilm
18:06Oh, yeah, sure
18:07Before you know it
18:08We break up
18:09The whole California
18:10Commie ring
18:10You know something, Ralph
18:13I don't know what
18:14This country would do
18:15Without you
18:16Oh, hey, look
18:17I don't want no medals
18:18No monuments
18:19All I ask is
18:20When I go
18:21They bury me
18:21In Arlington National Cemetery
18:23With full military horn
18:24Ralph
18:27I don't know how
18:28To tell you this
18:29But I really don't think
18:30You'll make Arlington
18:31Just for getting
18:32Too broad
18:32Stoned in San Diego
18:34Hurry up, Mom
18:38It's almost time
18:39I'm on the way
18:40Alice, how do I look?
18:45Fine, fine, just fine
18:46But I still think
18:47You should have gotten
18:48The hot pants
18:49And the peekaboo bolero
18:50For me, it's crazy enough
18:54Just to be wearing
18:54A new pair of stockings
18:56Facing this crisis together
18:59Will make your marriage
19:00Even stronger
19:01That's encouraging
19:03I'll leave you alone
19:04Oh, one more thing
19:06Uh, please, Mom
19:08Take off your glasses
19:09Absolutely not
19:11You know I need them
19:12I found out Miss Peterson
19:13Is blonde, Swedish
19:15And 36, 24, 36
19:18Right, no glasses
19:19Perfect
19:22You look just like
19:24Jane Fonda
19:25Well, thanks for the ride home, Harry
19:29Come in with me, Ralph, huh?
19:31No, no, no
19:32I couldn't do that
19:33As a favor to me
19:34I'd like somebody to talk to
19:36You mean your wife's
19:37Not even talking to you?
19:38Oh, it's worse than that
19:39It's like Siberia in there
19:41Come on
19:42See for yourself
19:43Oh
19:49Hi there, Tiger
19:52If by that you mean me
19:54I'm over here
19:55Well, I, uh
19:58I, uh, I'd better be going
20:01I, uh, got my pistol glass
20:03Siberia
20:05Wow
20:07Martini
20:10Lover
20:11Irma, where are your glasses?
20:15Oh, I, I really don't need them
20:17They're just for reading
20:19Now, what's this all about?
20:23Uh, nothing really, Harry
20:25I, well, what's wrong with us
20:27Having a nice, quiet evening at home?
20:30But Irma, you know you don't have
20:32It was Alice, wasn't it?
20:36Well, what if it was?
20:38I mean, it shows they love you
20:40What's wrong with that?
20:42Nothing
20:42Nothing at all
20:43But it does make you think
20:45You know, I give blood to the Red Cross
20:47Twice a year, right?
20:48I work for the United Fund
20:50And I was even a Boy Scout leader, right?
20:52But what has that got?
20:53And I'm an usher at church
20:54And I take handicapped kids to the ball game
20:57And it never made a dent on them
20:58But now that people think I've been hanky-panking with a bimbo at some roadhouse
21:03Now, everybody loves me
21:05I suppose if I set fire to the orphanage, they'd be crazy about me
21:08Now, Harry, I...
21:10What is it with the kids today?
21:12The bigger bum you are, the bigger hero you are
21:14They're trying to be understanding
21:17I don't want to be understood
21:19I want to be believed
21:21And you don't have to put on Halloween costumes for me either
21:24Oh, it's all right for your girlfriend to look nice
21:28But not your wife
21:29Girlfriend?
21:31That does it
21:32Come on
21:33Harry, what are you doing?
21:35Where are we going?
21:39Mama?
21:40Pop?
21:41They've gone
21:42Rats
21:43I was sure this would be a $2 to get rid of me night
21:47Harry, where are we?
21:52The Waterbed Motel
21:54How could you?
21:56After bringing that...
21:57Stop yakking and move it
21:59Well, if it is an old scaredy cat again
22:04Is that cozy room for two available tonight?
22:07It sure is
22:08You really want it for two this time?
22:11That's right
22:11Well, you're beginning to get with it
22:14I got a level with you, mister
22:15I couldn't believe it when you slept in the car all night
22:19That was really wild
22:21Oh, Harry
22:23Can you ever forgive me?
22:26With the greatest of pleasure
22:28Here's your key
22:29Keep it
22:30You think I'd let a lady like that stay in a joint like this?
22:34How do you like that?
22:35He's gonna talk her into sleeping in the car
22:40We'll be late getting home
22:41The children will be worried
22:43Oh, you can call them from the hotel
22:45Hotel?
22:46Mm-hmm
22:47We're spending the night at the ritziest joint on the beach
22:50That is, if you can put up with a fellow
22:52Pressured by needs of virility statements
22:55And ego outlets
22:56And the lowered libido threshold
22:59Oh, Harry Boyle
23:01You're talking like a child
23:04Well, yeah
23:04I'm going to go to bed at the hotel
23:04Yeah, I'm going to go to bed at the hotel
23:05Well, yeah, I'm going to go to bed at the bar
23:05But, you know, I'm going to go to bed when the hotel
23:06It will be at the hotel
23:07Don't go to bed at the hotel
23:07Oh, no, no, no, no, no
23:08For more information visit www.fema.org