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00:00:00Greasy burgers, chicken too, goes through you like shit through a goose.
00:00:05Jackass food that's hard to chew, but it goes through you like shit through a goose.
00:00:11That's it.
00:00:12Hey, hey.
00:00:13Yeah, we was in harmony.
00:00:15Yeah, we were.
00:00:15That was a good cut.
00:00:16I'm for a fat secret.
00:00:18America.
00:00:21Home of the fat.
00:00:23We got the largest donuts, the largest hamburgers,
00:00:28the largest hot dogs,
00:00:30the largest knockers,
00:00:33and the largest, fattest, hungriest human beings on planet Earth.
00:00:37In fact, if you live in the U.S., you'll probably see more fat in your lifetime than a slaughterhouse floor.
00:00:44Congratulations, swine.
00:00:45And the hormones in the food are enough to make a toddler grow tits.
00:00:50We have way too many fast food joints in America.
00:00:54I mean, there's a park and puke on practically every corner.
00:00:57However, the vomit being served today is way out of control.
00:01:01Things used to be different.
00:01:02Home-cooked meals used to be an American pastime.
00:01:06It's much easier today to just hit up a Jack's Shack for dinner.
00:01:10But at what cost?
00:01:12Although my mom didn't cook that often,
00:01:14I still have many memories of her rattling the pots and pans in our kitchen.
00:01:18This is her way back when.
00:01:20Sometimes, if she wasn't too hungover,
00:01:23she'd whip up some toast or a nice bowl of cereal.
00:01:27Oh, and here's a good picture of her in the kitchen,
00:01:30taken right after she gang-banged about a dozen Hell's Angels.
00:01:34Good one, Mom.
00:01:35In fact, most of my memories of her are in the kitchen.
00:01:38Probably because that's where she kept the booze.
00:01:41The only time we ate out was when one of Mama's boyfriends
00:01:45knocked over a liquor store
00:01:46or when she turned a trick down at the laundromat.
00:01:50Now we have a new public enemy number one,
00:01:53Jack.
00:01:55And his commercials are just a sick display of his power in the fast food market.
00:01:59My name is Jack.
00:02:03Yo, and I'm not wack.
00:02:04My food's more addictive than crack.
00:02:06I got a new sandwich for all you ladies.
00:02:08Take one bite, it's hotter than Hades.
00:02:11And I call it the Suicide Sandwich.
00:02:14Cause it's hotter than a fat bitch.
00:02:15Take one bite and your anus will twist.
00:02:17Snacks with peppers and chili powder.
00:02:19When you creep, you'll never scream louder.
00:02:22For my Suicide Sandwich.
00:02:25Grab ones a day.
00:02:28Diaper not included.
00:02:30Yeah, about as funny as a fart in a morgue.
00:02:34There's a new Jack's popping up every day.
00:02:37And let's not forget the hazards of his horrible food.
00:02:40It's a scary hormone-injected menu of death.
00:02:47Now what would happen if I ate Jack for a month straight?
00:02:51Well, I guess I'd have to know him pretty well, huh?
00:02:54But seriously, I don't know Jack.
00:02:56Not yet, anyway.
00:02:57I've just heard the horror stories.
00:03:00So now it's time I taste what I've been missing.
00:03:03So come on.
00:03:04Yeah!
00:03:06Oh my God!
00:03:08I'm breaking it.
00:03:18Oh my God!
00:03:19Oh my God!
00:03:20Oh my God!
00:03:20Oh my God!
00:03:22Oh my God!
00:03:31Oh my God!
00:03:31guitar solo
00:04:01I figured if I was going to go all out on a 30-day jacksbender, I would need a reputable physician to monitor my health.
00:04:19Problem is, I don't have insurance, so I enlisted the medical supervision of an ex-veterinarian who ran an underground clinic down by the LA River.
00:04:29Any history of health problems?
00:04:33Not really.
00:04:34No aneurysms, retardation?
00:04:37I did have some mental illness a few years back.
00:04:40Oh, tell me more.
00:04:42Well, let's just say I got a little crazy at Cheesy Chuck's Pizza Parlor one night, and when they arrested me, I was naked in the ball crawl.
00:04:51Are you sexually active?
00:04:53Yes.
00:04:53A girlfriend?
00:04:55Yes.
00:04:55No, I said girlfriend.
00:04:58Um, yeah, yeah.
00:05:01Right.
00:05:02Any history of family diseases?
00:05:04Let's see, my dad drank till his guts vulcanized, and my mom had every STD and TJ.
00:05:11TJ?
00:05:12Yeah.
00:05:13My mom rode more donkeys down there than Pancho Villa.
00:05:16The reason I ask about your parents is that heredity plays a large part in our health.
00:05:22Why, did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
00:05:25It is?
00:05:26Yeah.
00:05:27It runs in your genes.
00:05:28Now, are you sure you want to go ahead with this?
00:05:35I mean, do you realize Jack's food is, um, one of the leading causes of serious health abnormalities?
00:05:44Jack is an evil, sadistic clown that preys upon our children and our community.
00:05:50It's my moral obligation to show this great country exactly what this hormone-injected garbage can do to a human.
00:06:00All right, moron.
00:06:01It's your body.
00:06:02I wouldn't worry too much.
00:06:04You look strong as a horse.
00:06:06So, let's get started with some tests, shall we?
00:06:10Our food is good!
00:06:12It's good for America!
00:06:13The FDA.
00:06:15They're coming down on us.
00:06:17We only use the best ingredients.
00:06:19We use the best shit there is.
00:06:21And the FDA can drink my piss.
00:06:32Doctor is in and wearing a grin.
00:06:35I've got a PhD in Sado-Name.
00:06:39Lift your gown, spread your cheeks.
00:06:41This physical takes three whole weeks.
00:06:44This month of abominator will make your toes curl.
00:06:47I'll grab your nuts like a starved squirrel.
00:06:50Mother's shoes are in there.
00:06:51What's that for?
00:06:53A little more hypno, a little action for the rectal exam.
00:06:56Now practice suits don't bother me.
00:06:58Because I got some PhD inside of me.
00:07:02So, overall, you're pretty healthy.
00:07:16The worst that can happen to you is you would die an excruciating death and Satan would emerge from the bowels of hell and torment your soul forever.
00:07:24Well, I guess I can live with that.
00:07:29Okay.
00:07:31Good luck, moron.
00:07:33Thanks, Doc.
00:07:33You're a good man.
00:07:42Screw you, homeless!
00:07:44My own campaign is a recipe for success!
00:07:46Smoke, tits, and Satan!
00:07:48Jack, it's not all about, uh, rump shaking and tit twirling.
00:07:54It's, um, um...
00:07:55Jack, you're white!
00:07:57Whiter than, uh, albino's ass!
00:08:00Get to the point, dick licks!
00:08:02White rappers suck.
00:08:04Say that to Anima!
00:08:06Four number one hits this year alone!
00:08:09You can't have that one hit!
00:08:11Uh, ass hostage?
00:08:13Exactly!
00:08:14Oh, boy, inhale my sausage!
00:08:17I'll make you my ass hostage!
00:08:20But that wigger was a fluke.
00:08:24Well, for some street cred, we do have Black Jack.
00:08:29What?
00:08:31Roll the tape.
00:08:33My name is Jack, and my ass is black.
00:08:36My burger's a bomb, cause I'm the real Mac.
00:08:38I smack them buns in a beat-bomb toss, then I throw down my special sauce.
00:08:42You slide your beef in the buns.
00:08:47Come on, you slide your beef in the buns.
00:08:50Ugh!
00:08:51The all-new Black Jack Burger.
00:08:53It's hot and it squirts.
00:08:57You're shitting me!
00:08:59Where on God's wide earth did you find this hood rat?
00:09:03Compton Clown School, actually.
00:09:05Top of his class.
00:09:06You dumb prince!
00:09:09There's already an unfunny, fat ass in Hollywood named Jack Black!
00:09:15No!
00:09:16It's Black Jack!
00:09:19F you!
00:09:20I'm Jack, and that's my jail!
00:09:23And don't you forget it!
00:09:24There's only one Jack!
00:09:26But Jack!
00:09:27Please!
00:09:28Compton!
00:09:29Grab your cattle kill and hit the baby!
00:09:31Do it through!
00:09:32Fire!
00:09:33Whatever.
00:09:34I'll see you later at the petting zoo.
00:09:38You better watch yourself in the alley.
00:09:40I'll put your punk ass back in the halfway house where I found you!
00:09:48Yeah, so I'm not going to exercise for a month either.
00:09:51Which suits me fine.
00:09:53I mean, this is L.A.
00:09:57Nobody walks here.
00:09:58People in L.A. are so lazy, if they could drive to the toilet, they would.
00:10:07Speaking of toilets, this is my place right up here.
00:10:13Yeah, my girlfriend's not too hip on this whole experiment thing.
00:10:17She just hates fast food.
00:10:20She says it makes her feel rubbery.
00:10:22Yeah, we met at a little store in North Hollywood about a year ago.
00:10:35We fell in love so fast.
00:10:41So fast.
00:10:42She says she literally felt the wind rush through her body.
00:10:46Oh, hey, honey.
00:10:54I was just talking about you.
00:11:03Yeah, she's a little shy around new people sometimes.
00:11:07All right.
00:11:08Hey, honey, uh, where'd you put that patch kit?
00:11:14Left leg's looking a little flat.
00:11:22Shut your lousy blowhole and listen to me.
00:11:25It's my body, and if I want to wear a diaper for the rest of my life,
00:11:29that's my problem.
00:11:30So get off your lazy ass and fix me a bologna sandwich.
00:11:36I want something nice to eat before I start my Jack's Diet tomorrow.
00:11:44Oh, screw me, huh?
00:11:48Say something now.
00:11:50That's what I thought.
00:11:53Psycho.
00:12:00Well, this is it.
00:12:08Day one.
00:12:10The first meal of the day.
00:12:12The most important meal of the day.
00:12:14Breakfast.
00:12:17I'll have a Flappy Jack's breakfast.
00:12:20This is every kid's dream.
00:12:24Jack's.
00:12:25For breakfast,
00:12:27lunch,
00:12:28and dinner.
00:12:29I got me some Flappy Jack's.
00:12:38Here goes my first fight.
00:12:52Ah.
00:12:54Damn, who's shatting the better?
00:12:56Do you eat at Jack's?
00:13:01Not so much,
00:13:02but I think I've eaten there, yeah?
00:13:05I eat at Jack's.
00:13:07What do you think of Jack's food?
00:13:09It's all greasy,
00:13:10and they don't take the time to prepare it right.
00:13:14Ah, I don't know.
00:13:15I want to get you back.
00:13:16I hate Jack's.
00:13:18I hate Jack's.
00:13:18You like Wendy's?
00:13:20Wendy's?
00:13:21Yeah, Wendy's nuts are in your mouth.
00:13:24Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:13:26So, you ever get the Jack me, you know, big size?
00:13:29Yeah, I've been Jack'd before.
00:13:32Man, it was fucking awesome.
00:13:37Yeah, last time I was at Jack Burgers, it tasted like feet.
00:13:40Thank you very much.
00:13:41Now, here's the rules.
00:13:42I can only eat food from Jack's.
00:13:44If Jack's doesn't sell it, I can't eat it.
00:13:47I have to try every item on the menu.
00:13:51And finally, I have to eat three squares a day.
00:13:55Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
00:13:59No pussing out.
00:14:00Well, it's lunch time,
00:14:01and I'm about to inhale the mumbo-jumbo Jack's Super Circus Combo.
00:14:06What size do you want?
00:14:08You want to get Jack's?
00:14:09Yeah, Jack.
00:14:11Jack'd be, Jack'd be, Jack'd be.
00:14:16Damn, this thing's about as rare as a full set of teeth at Walmart.
00:14:22And I got the Dumbo-Jumbo Death Defying Drink.
00:14:29Oh, boy.
00:14:34Oh, that's horrible.
00:14:36Yeah.
00:14:38That's what we got here.
00:14:41Oh, cool.
00:14:42I got the two-headed circus freak action figure.
00:14:47Sweet.
00:14:50High dive time.
00:14:52Woo.
00:14:54Score, baby.
00:14:55What do you think Jack's food is doing to the public's waistline?
00:15:00Well, shit.
00:15:01It's making the whole country a bunch of lard asses.
00:15:04And that upsets you?
00:15:06Is there a mustache in Mexico?
00:15:08Now people are doing the unthinkable.
00:15:14They're suing Jack's greasy ass.
00:15:19Come on.
00:15:20We used to eat out quite a bit when we were kids.
00:15:24This is a new phenomenon.
00:15:25It's an epidemic.
00:15:26Kids are growing pubes in preschool.
00:15:29It's unacceptable.
00:15:30Period.
00:15:30And don't even get me started on periods.
00:15:34It's those damn hormones.
00:15:40So, listen, Bob.
00:15:41Here's the deal.
00:15:42Everybody's getting all fat eating all this fast food all the time.
00:15:45That's a damn shame.
00:15:46Did you know that most people eat out 40% of their meals?
00:15:50I mean, I, of course, eat out a little bit more than that.
00:15:54If you know what I'm saying.
00:15:59So, I heard you want to sue Jack.
00:16:02Oh, yeah.
00:16:03I am going to sue the suspenders off of that ball-headed burger-pimpin' bastard.
00:16:08I am going to sue Jack till he ain't got Jack.
00:16:10I'm going to sue him till he can't even order off his home value menu.
00:16:14Are you kidding me?
00:16:16Yeah, you can quote me on that.
00:16:17And you've sued food companies before?
00:16:19Oh, companies, schools.
00:16:21Oh, shit.
00:16:24Stella, yeah, where in the hell is the file for the Little Sisters of Mercy?
00:16:28Huh?
00:16:29We got to have that in court today, and I am not letting those bitches off the hook.
00:16:33Church has got plenty of money.
00:16:35The file is not on my desk in one minute.
00:16:37I'm going to sue you.
00:16:38Again.
00:16:40Jack has a team of top-notch lawyers foaming at the mouth for some action.
00:16:45And occasionally, he fires back.
00:16:48Come on.
00:16:49I've been doing this shit a long time.
00:16:52I just made a ton of cash with Lord of the O-Rings.
00:16:57Then I just wrapped Butt Pirates of the Caribbean 2.
00:17:01Now I got to deal with this crap.
00:17:02Yeah, I'm currently involved in a lawsuit pending with Jack.
00:17:07It's over the use of this title, Jack Me.
00:17:10See, this friggin' scum sack says he already owns the phrase.
00:17:25So now, next month, I got to drag my ass down to court and settle this shit.
00:17:31Not to mention, the judge wants to subpoena my two lead stars from Jack Me.
00:17:37So how's that going to look?
00:17:39When the judge says, will Jennifer Love's huge dick and hairy ass Truman please take the stand?
00:17:46Yeah, somebody's going to get jacked, all right.
00:17:52Mwah.
00:17:53Jax, you have a choice.
00:17:58You can choose this.
00:17:59See, you got your circus midget size.
00:18:01Or you can choose this size, a.k.a. suicides.
00:18:09You have a choice?
00:18:10There is no choice.
00:18:12You know, I'd rather be butt raped by a large inmate than to say buy this rather than buy this.
00:18:19Shit, you can eat a trunk load of trout for how much calories you get in this.
00:18:24And let me tell you, I've done it.
00:18:26I smell it.
00:18:27Jax offers various drink sizes to quench your primal thirst.
00:18:33They got the circus midget, the clown court, the midway monster, and of course, the Jack Me special, the suicides.
00:18:42And for the hardcores, there's the steroid smoothie.
00:18:46Drink it up.
00:18:49And Jack also puts a gang of sugar in his drinks.
00:18:53Not to mention, ingredients more unnatural than a 90-year-old man having a sex change.
00:18:59And of course, the cherry on top, hormones.
00:19:07Welcome to Jack's.
00:19:08Can I take your order?
00:19:09Yeah, give me a bearded lady burger, an order of drunken carny curly fries, and a soda.
00:19:17Okay, pull ahead.
00:19:19Oh wait, you didn't ask me if I wanted to get Jack.
00:19:21Get your hands off my ass.
00:19:24What?
00:19:25Not you, I was talking to my manager.
00:19:28Oh, okay.
00:19:32Just look at this thing.
00:19:34Two pounds of pure Angus fur.
00:19:38More hair than Burt Reynolds balls.
00:19:41Wow.
00:19:41Not to mention, enough curly fries to lasso Louie Anderson.
00:19:48And of course, my favorite, one gallon of highly caffeinated, sugar-saturated water.
00:19:56Oh boy.
00:20:03Last time I ate that much fur, I was at a swing party in Jatsworth.
00:20:07Wow.
00:20:26Wow. Hey, a condom.
00:20:42Jax, it's what's for dinner.
00:20:45I feel like total crap today, but it's breakfast time, and I ain't quitting now.
00:21:05Yeah, that's a son of a bitch. Our camera's got stupid around one of the restaurants.
00:21:10It appears he's making a movie or something. Probably trying to shut you down.
00:21:12He looks like a real moron.
00:21:15Funny you should say that. His name is Moron. Moron Spermlich, to be exact. A real loser.
00:21:21I trailed him to some shit shack out in the woods.
00:21:24You're done good, dick. I'll take it from here.
00:21:28The side effects are horrendous. Hair grows in weird spots. Some men even develop breasts.
00:21:36It's like suicide eating at Jax. It really is.
00:21:40Yeah, I'm getting this weird pulsating sensation in my schlong area. It's really strange.
00:21:53It must be all the hormones. Quick, give me another burger.
00:21:59What is it?
00:22:00Moron!
00:22:01Hey, little bitch. I heard you're making a movie about how my food sucks.
00:22:15No way. Um, your food's healthy and nutritious?
00:22:19What a crap, moron! Everybody knows my food ain't fit for a coma patient.
00:22:23If I hear one more story about your little art-fag filth, I'll make you go down on the clouds!
00:22:31Well, it's video, actually.
00:22:33Shut your mustache!
00:22:36If I hear any more crap, I'm gonna cut you ear to ear, and you'll be wearing a smile like mine!
00:22:42Got it?
00:22:43Um, yes, Jack? I'm sorry?
00:22:45I'll be watching you!
00:22:57Let's face it. Fast food will kill you quicker than PCP.
00:23:01And unfortunately, without that bitchin' buzz.
00:23:03And I don't think America's doing its civil duty.
00:23:05Letting its kids run around at all hours into the night at these grease shacks, well...
00:23:10Excuse me, I am up here.
00:23:12He picks his nose with the TV on
00:23:17I'm a pig now, baby
00:23:19I'm a pig, pig, pig
00:23:20He smits his toes when he's feeling gone
00:23:22I'm a pig now, baby
00:23:24You dick
00:23:25He goes out
00:23:26On Friday night
00:23:28He takes off his pants
00:23:29Cause he's alright
00:23:30Third down
00:23:32And twenty to go
00:23:33His two-top turkey is ready to go, go, go
00:23:42Rock
00:23:44Take three more
00:23:49Stick it
00:23:54Good, rock
00:23:56Look, bad stuff happens when you eat this garbage every day
00:24:03Things like
00:24:05Violent diarrhea
00:24:06Soft serve stool
00:24:09Yum
00:24:10Ring sting
00:24:12Just blow it up
00:24:13Projectile vomiting
00:24:15Male lactation
00:24:18Oh boy
00:24:19And
00:24:20Genital strokes
00:24:21In fact, if this continues
00:24:24Half of all kids born in the next five years
00:24:27Will become so fat and bloated with hormones
00:24:30California will indeed sink into the ocean
00:24:33Before the year 2010
00:24:35They don't want anything
00:24:40Hanging out somewhere
00:24:41Somebody didn't know where I was
00:24:43With my hair shaved
00:24:44With my underwear
00:24:45On the side
00:24:45Someone's head
00:24:46With a little bit of food chili
00:24:47On the side
00:24:48Now I'm up to get
00:24:50With somebody
00:24:50A young woman
00:24:51Coming out back to me
00:24:52And saying
00:24:52Hey woman
00:24:53Why could you shut up
00:24:54Get the hell out of my life
00:24:55I don't care what your name is anyway
00:24:57Shut up, dog
00:24:59It's so cool
00:25:01Bitch
00:25:02Watch my TV blind
00:25:05We live a big time
00:25:06Without further ado
00:25:16Let's bring out
00:25:17Gerald Funyon
00:25:18What's up, brother
00:25:20I'd like to thank all you wonderful kids
00:25:23And family
00:25:24For giving me the opportunity
00:25:25To tell my story
00:25:26Sit down, nigglet
00:25:28Anyways
00:25:30I never smoked cigarettes
00:25:32Without filters
00:25:33And I never drank liquor
00:25:35That wasn't in a 40 ounce bottle
00:25:37My hang up was jacks
00:25:39And before my last unemployment check
00:25:41I weighed 400 pounds
00:25:42In the shade
00:25:43So I brought a pair of my old droves
00:25:46Oh snaps
00:25:48Got them backwards
00:25:49Anyways
00:25:50You get it
00:25:51My black ass was fat
00:25:52And active
00:25:54Another one bites the dust, baby
00:26:02I don't think the son of a bitch
00:26:06Knew what he was getting into
00:26:07I mean
00:26:08Raised in a trailer
00:26:09Abused
00:26:11His dad was
00:26:12Awful
00:26:13Horrid
00:26:14While most kids
00:26:16Heard bedtime stories
00:26:18Before they went to sleep
00:26:19All he heard usually
00:26:22Was this
00:26:24Yeah, my dad used to get real drunk
00:26:29And he'd make me watch
00:26:31Chuck Norris movies
00:26:32In the nude with him
00:26:33All night
00:26:36Do you like jacks food
00:26:40Yuck
00:26:42I prefer something healthy
00:26:44What would you rather have
00:26:46Other than jacks
00:26:47Well actually
00:26:48I prefer a hot grease enema
00:26:50Hey, I haven't actually seen you
00:26:52At the club lately
00:26:52Where you been girlfriend
00:26:54What are you talking about
00:26:55We don't know each other
00:26:57Don't hate
00:26:58Masticate
00:26:59Jax is poison, man
00:27:06Do yourself a favor
00:27:08And eat out of the dumpster
00:27:09Behind the free clinic
00:27:10Well, you pretty much succeeded
00:27:13In reaming out your health
00:27:15You gained ten pounds
00:27:17And you look like shit
00:27:18I look like shit?
00:27:22Scratch that
00:27:23You smell like shit
00:27:24This is absurd
00:27:27Stop it
00:27:29Before it's too late
00:27:31That'll be 425, sir
00:27:37All right, there you go
00:27:39Hey, did you want any
00:27:41Special sauce with that today?
00:27:43Yeah, I'll take some special sauce
00:27:44Thanks
00:27:45All right
00:27:45Hey, journey
00:27:46Load them up
00:27:47Anything else today?
00:27:55I think that'll be it
00:27:57All right
00:27:57Just one minute
00:27:58We'll take care of your special order
00:28:00All right
00:28:01It's a special sauce
00:28:05That makes it so much more enjoyable
00:28:06Than the food
00:28:07Jack Pace
00:28:09Jack Pace
00:28:12Jack Pace
00:28:14Oh, boy
00:28:24Circus Sunday Supreme
00:28:264,000 calories
00:28:284,000 calories of
00:28:28What the hell is this?
00:28:33Wow, it's disgusting
00:28:34Oh, crap
00:28:35It's a headless rat
00:28:36Where's the head?
00:28:40No, not unless my microwave is broke
00:28:55Not unless I'm feeling suicidal
00:28:58We all know this
00:29:00Fast food
00:29:01It's not the greatest thing in the world for us
00:29:04But there are just times when it's convenient
00:29:07You guys look in pretty good shape
00:29:09Do you get a lot of exercise?
00:29:10Do I get a lot of exercise?
00:29:13Yes, I do
00:29:15But unless it should not be a part of your everyday diet
00:29:21Hell yeah, I'll be coming over to your house like Batman
00:29:24He don't even live without Robin
00:29:27It's easy
00:29:30You know, you just don't have the time to go and get a proper meal
00:29:35So, it works
00:29:37That's what I'm talking about
00:29:38I'll run my shit off
00:29:40Yeah, that's
00:29:41What's the grossest thing you've ever found in Jack's food?
00:29:45I just looked on the phone
00:29:46A roach
00:29:47A roach?
00:29:49Yeah
00:29:50What did you do with it?
00:29:52Yeah, I spoke with you
00:29:53The boys
00:29:54Did this
00:29:55Yeah, these are the first chicken chunks I've had on this sick adventure
00:30:03I can almost hear them clock
00:30:11Whoa
00:30:16I don't know what chunk of the chicken this came off of
00:30:21I think it's the pecker
00:30:25These must be the nuggets
00:30:32Yowza
00:30:39Did you know that chicken's the only animal you eat before it's born and after it's dead?
00:30:45So, exactly what's in Jack's trapeze chicken chunks?
00:30:50I have an assortment of goodies in here actually
00:30:52You got your lips
00:30:53Your eyelids
00:30:55Your belly buttons
00:30:56Your lobes
00:30:56And assholes
00:30:57Oh
00:30:58And an occasional foreskin
00:31:01At Jack's
00:31:13Along with horrible food
00:31:14Usually comes horrible service
00:31:16Case in point
00:31:17Yeah, what the fuck do you want?
00:31:21Trying to order some food
00:31:22You want a corndog, bitch?
00:31:24As a matter of fact
00:31:25We're close
00:31:26Get the fuck out of here, man
00:31:27You guys are fags
00:31:29Jack me
00:31:31Jack me
00:31:47Yeah i guess one of the negative side effects of this whole experiment was uh...
00:31:50Yeah, I guess one of the negative side effects of this whole experiment was one night I came home and I was a little hopped up from a few burgers and experienced a violent episode of Roid Rage.
00:32:11Well, unfortunately, I took it out on the misses here.
00:32:15Jack Rage!
00:32:18Jack Rage!
00:32:21Jack Rage!
00:32:24Jack Rage!
00:32:27Jack Rage!
00:32:30Jack Rage!
00:32:37Now listen, I know he's there.
00:32:40Put Jack on the phone. The public deserves to know the truth.
00:32:47Damn.
00:32:48Yeah, I'll have the Dancing Bear burger meal and jack me.
00:32:49Hey, Leroy, sound like a honky.
00:32:50What?
00:32:51I knew it.
00:32:52Fuck you, man.
00:32:53I knew it.
00:32:54Fuck you, man.
00:32:55Your mama's so nasty she got rigged around the trailer.
00:32:56Yeah, whatever.
00:32:57Listen here, you minimum wage making piece of shit.
00:32:58Come on up to the window and I'll jack you up.
00:32:59That's it.
00:33:00And jack me.
00:33:01Hey, Leroy, sound like a honky.
00:33:03You what?
00:33:04Fuck you, man.
00:33:05Your mama's so nasty, she got rigged around the trailer.
00:33:08Yeah, whatever.
00:33:09Listen here, you minimum wage-making piece of shit.
00:33:12Come on up to the window and I'll jack you up.
00:33:14That's it.
00:33:15Someone's getting jacked here.
00:33:17It's not gonna be me.
00:33:20Quit pulling my chain, man.
00:33:27Jack me!
00:33:30Do you know what a hormone is?
00:33:37Yeah, it's like you've had too much cholesterol.
00:33:41He's full of hormones.
00:33:42Supposedly, blows up the meat.
00:33:45That's like you can make more sex.
00:33:47Makes you make more sex.
00:33:49It's a chemical release by the brain to help the body do things.
00:33:54Isn't that something your mama does?
00:33:56With the marshmallow breakdance.
00:33:59Wait a minute.
00:34:00Did he say marshmallow breakdance?
00:34:03At the marshmallow breakdance, marshmallow Pepsi breakdance, it turns into food.
00:34:10To the general public, hormones are pretty much a mystery.
00:34:13Hormones are molecules that act as signals from one type of cell to another.
00:34:20When hormones are increased at such a fast rate, as with Jack's food, this leads to gynecomastia,
00:34:27which means overly developmental lobules and stroma enlargement.
00:34:31Basically, it gives you titties.
00:34:34Something I haven't shared with everyone is the last couple of days, I started developing breasts.
00:34:43So, um, yeah, it started as this pressure on my chest.
00:34:57And, uh, yeah, these things just grew out of nowhere.
00:35:09But this morning, I looked in the mirror, and we can guess what I did.
00:35:17That's right.
00:35:19I put milk in my coffee.
00:35:21You know, I saw a boy yesterday, seven years old, with a rack, made Pam Anderson look flattered
00:35:27in a TV dinner.
00:35:29I feel a little heavier.
00:35:31No offense, but you're no Karen Carpenter to begin with.
00:35:36Wow!
00:35:37What, did I gain a lot?
00:35:38I don't know, but did you see the ass on that intern there?
00:35:42Damn, she's fine.
00:35:44Come on, Doc, how much did I gain?
00:35:46Whoa, you're about 10 pounds.
00:35:50You better slow down, kid.
00:35:55You may want to invest in a training bra.
00:35:59It's the Orca Show!
00:36:02Welcome back, everyone.
00:36:04We're here with Moron Spermlich, a filmmaker.
00:36:07Well, actually, it's video.
00:36:09Whatever, White Britt.
00:36:10Uh, so, I hear you want a 30-day diet of Jack's food?
00:36:15So, how you doing, health-wise?
00:36:17Not bad for a man with honkers.
00:36:20Damn, Conway Titty.
00:36:22Those real?
00:36:23Oh, yeah.
00:36:24And this is just after a few days of eating Jack's hormone-filled food.
00:36:29So, what's next?
00:36:32You gonna keep going?
00:36:34Whole 30 days?
00:36:35Shut up, bitch.
00:36:36I'm talking here.
00:36:38Well, if I live through the rest of this month, I'm thinking about doing a whole series
00:36:43of 30-day stunts.
00:36:45Tired.
00:36:46Dude, that's played out.
00:36:48One Trick Pony's only workin' bestiality films.
00:36:52Take me, for instance.
00:36:53This show has something new every time.
00:36:56Keep it new.
00:36:57Keep it new.
00:36:58Well, I mean, I'm gonna change it up every month.
00:37:01How?
00:37:01Well, next month, I'm gonna punk for speed at truck stops for 30 days.
00:37:06Okay.
00:37:07Then I'm gonna embark on a 30-day diet of Gila monster semen.
00:37:11We get it.
00:37:12Then it's 30 days of dry-humping lawn furniture.
00:37:15Okay, we get it.
00:37:15Followed by 30 days of huffing dirty laundry in a trailer park.
00:37:19Thank you, everybody, for tuning in.
00:37:20And we'll see you same time tomorrow.
00:37:23Oh, God.
00:37:24How could she stand in?
00:37:25Listen, everyone.
00:37:26Please cut the commercial.
00:37:27Cut, cut.
00:37:28I feel stupid.
00:37:29Don't you ever hit a woman on my show?
00:37:31Yeah, let me get two Big Top Tacos, the three-ring onions, and a suicide soda.
00:37:43I don't know, man.
00:37:47It's like nobody understands me.
00:37:50And I feel so depressed.
00:37:57Shit.
00:38:01I think it's PMS.
00:38:10I don't know, man.
00:38:12I'm getting pretty bored with this menu.
00:38:15Tonight, I got to clown around corndog combo and a gallon of caramel apple soda.
00:38:26I got the cramps, too.
00:38:29Sorry if I'm a little bitchy.
00:38:31Okay.
00:38:31Okay.
00:38:58Okay.
00:38:58The End
00:39:28Jack, Jack, we got a real
00:39:58problem. Ronald's cutting into our profits big time. We got to do something about it.
00:40:07No, honey, I told you I'm leaving the office. I'll work my nose off today.
00:40:15Hooray, McPurtface! You took my business, Ronnie! Now I'm gonna take you alive!
00:40:20Hey, hey, let's talk about this. Clown to clown. All right then.
00:40:28Die, pussy!
00:40:44Jack's even supplies our local schools with his garbage food and many prisons as well. In a recent prison poll, we discovered that most prison riots erupted after the consumption of Jack's shit-filled food.
00:40:48With Jack's formulated market strategies, the kids today don't stand a chance.
00:40:52Hey there, kids. I'm gonna show you some pictures of some people and you try to guess who they are.
00:40:58Okay? Here's the first one.
00:41:00George Washington!
00:41:02I don't know.
00:41:04Who might this be?
00:41:06I don't know.
00:41:08George Washington!
00:41:10George Washington!
00:41:11George Washington!
00:41:12George Washington!
00:41:13George Washington!
00:41:14George Washington!
00:41:15George Washington!
00:41:16George Washington!
00:41:17George Washington!
00:41:18George Washington!
00:41:19George Washington!
00:41:20George Washington!
00:41:21George Washington!
00:41:22George Washington!
00:41:23George Washington!
00:41:24George Washington!
00:41:25George Washington!
00:41:26George Washington!
00:41:27George Washington!
00:41:28George Washington!
00:41:29George Washington!
00:41:30George Washington!
00:41:31George Washington!
00:41:32George Washington!
00:41:33George Washington!
00:41:34George Washington!
00:41:35George Washington!
00:41:36George Washington!
00:41:37George Washington!
00:41:38Oh, that's Ron Jeremy.
00:41:40Very good.
00:41:41And how about this guy?
00:41:44Jack.
00:41:44That's easy.
00:41:45That's Jack.
00:41:47Very good.
00:41:48Hey, do you have any booze?
00:41:50Really, man?
00:41:51So, obviously, these kids know Jack and Ron Jeremy.
00:42:03I love that spoon.
00:42:05I love that spoon.
00:42:06Even if it's no good, I love that spoon.
00:42:10So, have you ever eaten at Jack's?
00:42:12Dude, only when I'm broke.
00:42:13But that ain't been lately.
00:42:15Any advice on staying slim?
00:42:17Hell yeah.
00:42:17Get off your fat ass and ride a bike or something, dude.
00:42:20I mean, you've got to handle your scandal.
00:42:28Um, so have you ever tried Jack's Big Tump Burger?
00:42:32Yeah.
00:42:34Once.
00:42:35How was it?
00:42:37You kidding me?
00:42:38That shit was tougher than Lance Armstrong's scrotum.
00:42:41Hmm.
00:42:42You try that one.
00:42:45Whatever it is.
00:42:45Kids across the nation are being emotionally and physically terrorized by eating this trash.
00:43:05And we're not going to take it anymore.
00:43:07Jack, you better watch your greasy ass.
00:43:10They have some cool toys.
00:43:12Jack's is famous for toddler-branded toys, the dolls, the games.
00:43:17There's Jack Gammon, Jackopoly, and his latest video game, jumping jacks.
00:43:22So my little Martha comes home the other day with this kid's meals doll.
00:43:27And she's playing with it, and she's playing with it, and everything's going really well.
00:43:32And then she starts to undress it like kids do.
00:43:35And, oh my God, that just isn't right.
00:43:39What are they doing over there?
00:43:40Jack.
00:43:41Jack.
00:43:42Jack.
00:43:43This onslaught of marketing is aimed at grooming the new bottles to serve Jack for life.
00:43:49Jack.
00:43:50Well, time for your first blood test.
00:43:54You nervous?
00:43:55Not even.
00:43:57Shit.
00:43:58I got more blood in my stool now than a poodle has pumping through its veins.
00:44:09Jack wasn't always a total asshole.
00:44:14But I do remember the day he snapped, like it was yesterday.
00:44:20Daddy, can I go to the store?
00:44:25Sure, kids.
00:44:26Just be careful.
00:44:28Crossing the street.
00:44:37Oh, shit.
00:44:37Oh, shit.
00:44:38Oh, shit.
00:44:40Oh, shit.
00:44:42Oh, shit.
00:44:44Oh, shit.
00:44:46Those poor little shits.
00:44:56What's going on in here?
00:44:59Are you giving away my secrets again?
00:45:01Jack, honey, relax.
00:45:04Will you relax, you old hunker?
00:45:06Jack has even penetrated our school system.
00:45:25What's the grossest thing you ever found in your food here?
00:45:29Um, pears, that's all.
00:45:32An ear. A human ear.
00:45:35I ate it, I was hungry.
00:45:36Maybe there's spit every once in a while.
00:45:39That maggot, yeah, that was pretty bad.
00:45:41There's like bone and blood and stuff.
00:45:42How about the dead hamster, I think.
00:45:43I think we shouldn't beat around the dead hamster.
00:45:46Well, one morning I woke up in bed
00:45:48and there was a pool of chili under me
00:45:50and, well, it might not have been chili, but...
00:45:54Uh, this is pretty much the worst piece of shit that I've ever had.
00:46:00Have you experienced any, uh, psychological trauma
00:46:05from, uh, eating the food here?
00:46:07Yeah, at night I just lay awake
00:46:09and I just can't stop thinking about my impending death.
00:46:13I have been sexually harassed, Ajax.
00:46:15A man, uh, came at me with a fry in a sexual manner.
00:46:18Have you ever met Jack?
00:46:20Yeah.
00:46:21He gave me an autograph.
00:46:23Yeah?
00:46:23On my last night.
00:46:30I mean, how can you shovel this shit down these teenagers' necks?
00:46:35Well, it's pretty easy.
00:46:36Give us money and we feed them.
00:46:38But look, she's got two Big Top Tacos,
00:46:43cotton candy,
00:46:44and a Sideshow Soda?
00:46:46I mean, this is outrageous.
00:46:48Yeah, and you know what else is outrageous?
00:46:50What's that?
00:46:51Your titties are better than hers.
00:46:53Now I'm not answering any more questions.
00:46:56Talk to Don Confisano.
00:46:57These are union food records.
00:46:58We feed all the schools in the neighborhood
00:47:08and most of the prisons in the state, too.
00:47:11Come on, let's take a walk.
00:47:16Hey, what's this in here?
00:47:18Uh, that's not...
00:47:18Oh my God, is that...
00:47:20That's sugar, isn't it?
00:47:21What?
00:47:22Hey, get out of here, huh?
00:47:23Can't a guy get a little privacy around here?
00:47:25That ain't sugar.
00:47:28You got some good shit here, man.
00:47:32Oh yeah?
00:47:32Was this stuff frozen?
00:47:33Of course.
00:47:34How do you think we keep it fresh?
00:47:36So, can I see your freezer?
00:47:38Of course you can.
00:47:39Let's go.
00:47:43Okay, this is where the really good stuff
00:47:46for these little shitheads are.
00:47:49This is the corn chips,
00:47:51and, you know, tortillas,
00:47:53all that white flour stuff
00:47:54that they love, okay?
00:47:57Now, over here, we got
00:47:58the basic sweets,
00:48:01white sugar,
00:48:02which is really, really good for them.
00:48:04It messes with the teachers
00:48:06because it messes with their attention span.
00:48:09And over here, we have Jack's frozen hot wings.
00:48:11I think he calls them his
00:48:12high-wire hot wings
00:48:14or some shit like that.
00:48:16And, oh shit.
00:48:17Man, get that camera out of you.
00:48:19Get it out of you.
00:48:20Louie, wait.
00:48:21Come on, man.
00:48:22This ain't funny.
00:48:22Louie, wake up.
00:48:24Oh, shit.
00:48:25Come on, man.
00:48:26This ain't funny.
00:48:31Jack's no good.
00:48:32Last time I eat there,
00:48:34my stomach feel like Bruce Lee punching.
00:48:39I feel I eat that bad poodle there.
00:48:45Jack,
00:48:46Jack is no good.
00:48:48Jack is no good.
00:48:52Oh, let's see.
00:49:02Ah, tasty local dish.
00:49:04Yeah, give me the Kung Fu combo.
00:49:07Yeah.
00:49:08We are out of it.
00:49:09Can you order something else?
00:49:10Hmm.
00:49:12Oh, shit, man.
00:49:12That's the one I really like.
00:49:14Don't you understand why I ran out of it?
00:49:17I told you order something else, bitch.
00:49:19Do you have anything that's like that?
00:49:21Similar?
00:49:24Get the hell out of there, fuckface.
00:49:26And it seems that even the teachers and phys ed instructors are poisoned by the jack plague.
00:49:42So, do you think our kids are getting enough exercise in our schoolyards these days?
00:49:46Oh, yeah.
00:49:48Over here, we got the boys' basketball.
00:49:52And over here, we got the girls' soccer.
00:49:56Damn.
00:49:57I like to bend that like Beckham.
00:49:59Do you like the food served here at school?
00:50:01Yeah.
00:50:01Yeah, it's pretty good.
00:50:02It's good.
00:50:03What's your favorite thing to eat here?
00:50:05It's a crazy clown kid's meal.
00:50:07Yeah, it's great.
00:50:08We don't even have to go to Jack's anymore.
00:50:10Exactly.
00:50:11The food comes to us.
00:50:12Right here in the cafeteria.
00:50:14It's sweet.
00:50:16Come on, now.
00:50:17You know these kids are getting jacked.
00:50:18Just look at them.
00:50:20Cooper, pass your goddamn ball, you little ball hog.
00:50:23He's a hog, all right.
00:50:25Coach, fast food is killing these innocent kids.
00:50:28This is a Mr. Movie Guy, whoever you think you are.
00:50:31These are good kids.
00:50:32The last thing we need is some wannabe biker fag coming around here and screwing things up.
00:50:36And you smoke?
00:50:40Oh, yeah.
00:50:41A lot?
00:50:42Yeah, I go through maybe two, three liners a day.
00:50:45Hey, close kids.
00:50:49The coach gets angry too much at this.
00:50:52Yeah, we don't really like him.
00:50:54He's a loser.
00:50:55I hate him.
00:50:56Anderson, put that hustler down and give me 20.
00:50:58I don't think that kid can do push-ups right now.
00:51:01Listen, this isn't healthy.
00:51:03What are you talking about?
00:51:04This isn't healthy.
00:51:05These kids are okay, you butt-lick.
00:51:08O to the K.
00:51:10So why don't you take your handlebar mustache and ride it back to Frisco, you big homo.
00:51:15Hey, time's up.
00:51:26Get your fat asses inside.
00:51:28I want pizza.
00:51:35I want pizza.
00:51:38I want pizza.
00:51:40Go eat some pizza.
00:51:43I want pizza.
00:51:45I want pizza.
00:51:47Does the public even realize what's in a sack of Jack's?
00:51:50I mean, we know that Jack targets the kids, but what about us, the adults?
00:51:55So I went in search of a nutritional fact sheet at Jack's.
00:51:58Hey, can I get a Jack's fact sheet?
00:52:00You can go out.
00:52:01Do you have a Jack's fact sheet?
00:52:07A who?
00:52:09Nutritional information sheet.
00:52:11Oh, I didn't know we don't.
00:52:13Does your food have hormones in it?
00:52:15I probably eat it.
00:52:16What happened to you?
00:52:18Hi, can I get a nutrition sheet?
00:52:21What you want to know?
00:52:22I want to know what's in Jack's food.
00:52:24Shit.
00:52:25Yeah, toenail cut-downs, roaches, all kinds of nasty-ass shit.
00:52:30Well, you can see that Jack likes to hide the facts.
00:52:33I couldn't find one lousy nutrition sheet anywhere.
00:52:37Too many calories.
00:52:38I'm dry, dude.
00:52:39This is where the calories go.
00:52:42So, in summation, as you can see from the chart,
00:52:45your company's profits have been in a sharp decline much of the past year,
00:52:48except for a very small spike here.
00:52:50What happened there?
00:52:51Well, that's when your rival, Ronald McDoodle,
00:52:53was found dead lying on the pavement.
00:52:56Now, listen, the point is this.
00:52:57Jack's is very image-challenged,
00:53:00but that is why I'm here.
00:53:01I'm going to help Jack's evoke a new, public-friendly image.
00:53:06Listen, sugar-ass.
00:53:08I'm by the last blood weight to try to fix my image.
00:53:11Jack, wake up and smell the poon tang.
00:53:14Oh, bad press is murder in this business.
00:53:17Why, just the other night,
00:53:18I saw some drop-out film school fag on the Orca show
00:53:21talking about how bad your food was
00:53:23for people to eat.
00:53:24I don't watch that shitty show!
00:53:26What you need is damage control.
00:53:28B.S.
00:53:29What we need is a new sandwich.
00:53:31Jack, you care to do the honors?
00:53:33Have a seat, Sally.
00:53:35It's Sheila.
00:53:36Oh, whatever.
00:53:37Are you ready out there, Roxy?
00:53:40Introducing the new...
00:53:42Jack Rabbit Burger!
00:53:44Jack Rabbit Burger!
00:53:48Rabbit meat?
00:53:49Are you serious?
00:53:51It's lean, it's abundant.
00:53:53It's cheap!
00:53:55No way, you guys.
00:53:55The public will freak.
00:53:57Listen, Shirley.
00:53:59It's Sheila.
00:54:00Whatever!
00:54:00Whatever!
00:54:02She hasn't even heard the slogan yet.
00:54:05All right, well, let's hear it.
00:54:06The new Jack Rabbit Burger!
00:54:10This time you'll be glad the rabbit died.
00:54:12Oh.
00:54:14Yes!
00:54:15And this is your solution?
00:54:16Pumping toxic hormones into little bunny burgers?
00:54:20I'd rather be pumping that bunny.
00:54:23That could be raised!
00:54:24And you've got an awful big bush
00:54:27trying to come in here
00:54:28and turn our business sideways.
00:54:31No shit!
00:54:31Speaking of bush,
00:54:33I'd like to sink my teeth into that pelt.
00:54:36Yeah.
00:54:36Done!
00:54:37For your information, boys,
00:54:39I happen to have a degree
00:54:41in marketing and advertising.
00:54:43I can't believe it.
00:54:44What, that I have a degree?
00:54:47No, but you're still here.
00:54:50Listen, dammit.
00:54:51Give us the meeting alone here, Roxy.
00:54:54And leave the burger.
00:54:55I want Miss Pang here to take a bite.
00:54:59Hey, now come on.
00:55:00Show us those bunny brats!
00:55:05Kapow!
00:55:06High five!
00:55:07That is it!
00:55:08I've had enough with both of you.
00:55:11Ooh!
00:55:13Oh, chill, Cheryl.
00:55:16For the last time,
00:55:17it's Sheila, dick breath!
00:55:19And I've got the floor now.
00:55:21As for you,
00:55:22you big, ball-headed,
00:55:24egotistical,
00:55:25or should I say testicle,
00:55:26sad excuse for a circus clown!
00:55:28Go ahead and run your company
00:55:30to the ground.
00:55:31See if I care!
00:55:32The worst that's gonna happen
00:55:33is people might actually
00:55:34live a little bit longer!
00:55:36I must have been smoking crack
00:55:37to think I could work
00:55:38with a couple of shit-licks
00:55:39like you!
00:55:40Now, wait a minute.
00:55:41We were just, uh,
00:55:42razzing you a little.
00:55:45Suck my tit.
00:55:47High five!
00:55:54Okay, can I get the, uh,
00:56:02bumper car bacon biscuit
00:56:03and the ponytail potato pieces?
00:56:05I've got a really big appetite.
00:56:08I dream about eating
00:56:09everything at night.
00:56:11Do you think I've got time
00:56:12to choose my order?
00:56:14Oh,
00:56:14last time I saw this much trash
00:56:17was at my family reunion.
00:56:24Up yours!
00:56:25I'm not quitting now!
00:56:27I'm not quitting now!
00:56:29Yeah, I know it's only
00:56:30eight in the morning,
00:56:31so I'm drinking
00:56:32a goddamn beer!
00:56:34Get over it!
00:56:35I don't know, man.
00:56:49I don't know if it's worth it.
00:56:52My body's a wreck.
00:56:55Then I got my first period.
00:56:59That was a nightmare.
00:57:01What the hell have I done?
00:57:07I'm fine.
00:57:09So,
00:57:10you've been really down
00:57:12in the dumps, huh?
00:57:14Yeah.
00:57:16Well, if it's any consolation,
00:57:18I must say
00:57:19that your jugs look fabulous.
00:57:21Thanks,
00:57:22that's a push-up bra.
00:57:23I have a chart here.
00:57:26I'm afraid the results
00:57:28aren't good.
00:57:31Moron,
00:57:32do you want to end up
00:57:33a big, fat, bloated pig
00:57:34with a hog's face
00:57:35and an elephant's ass?
00:57:37Oh, hey, honey,
00:57:42I was just talking about you.
00:57:44One second.
00:57:45It's my wife.
00:57:47And there's only one item
00:57:48on Jack's menu
00:57:49that doesn't contain
00:57:50sugar or hormones.
00:57:51It's the water.
00:57:53Jack's Secret Circus Water.
00:57:55Some Jack's restaurants
00:58:00offer salads
00:58:01to appease the critics,
00:58:03but the roughage
00:58:04is genetically modified
00:58:05and about as appetizing
00:58:06as, well,
00:58:07you get it.
00:58:09Hop on up there.
00:58:11I'm feeling a little bloated.
00:58:13You look radiant.
00:58:15Get up there.
00:58:20See, it's only two pounds.
00:58:22And I bet you
00:58:22that's all booby.
00:58:23Hey, aren't you going
00:58:25to buy me dinner first?
00:58:37Man, this stuff's like crack.
00:58:39I was feeling horrible,
00:58:42but once I got some Jack's
00:58:43in me,
00:58:44I was feeling alive again.
00:58:51Oh, honey.
00:58:53Give me a beer.
00:59:02Hey, get out of here, man.
00:59:03I'm trying to back one out.
00:59:06Oh, mommy.
00:59:08I'm so scared.
00:59:10Sing me that little song
00:59:11you used to sing me
00:59:12when I was five.
00:59:14Oh, you big, fat pussy.
00:59:15Suck it up.
00:59:16The next thing you're going to tell me
00:59:18you should grow in tits.
00:59:29As you can see,
00:59:35I now crave Jack's food
00:59:36all the time.
00:59:38In fact,
00:59:38I've been having strange cravings
00:59:40a lot lately.
00:59:41I hope that weirdo I met behind the homeless shelter didn't knock me up.
00:59:46Not to mention I've gained quite a few pounds and sprouted some decent melons.
00:59:52My favorite part of the day, laying around, eating jacks, watching my chicks grow.
01:00:04Good times.
01:00:09So we enlisted a couple of nutritionists to call Jack's headquarters and see if they
01:00:14could recommend any healthy items off their menu.
01:00:18So how often do you recommend eating at Jack's?
01:00:20That depends.
01:00:21How long do you want to live?
01:00:23And what's the healthiest item I can eat at a Jack's restaurant?
01:00:27Probably the napkins.
01:00:29But how could I have a tumor?
01:00:33I've only had them for a couple of weeks.
01:00:35I keep trying to tell you it's Jack's crappy food.
01:00:38A man your age should be having a vasectomy, not a mastectomy.
01:00:43So you want to hear the good news?
01:00:45Sure.
01:00:46We only have to remove one.
01:00:49Oh great.
01:00:50So now I'm going to be running around town with just one tit swinging?
01:00:53Moron, don't worry.
01:00:54It's a fairly simple procedure that I've performed on at least half a dozen farm animals.
01:00:59Come on.
01:01:00Don't be a pussy.
01:01:01Jack
01:01:23oh man I'm having hot flashes I just soiled the bed it's like two in the morning oh boy
01:01:48bandages need changing I think I've finally hit rock bottom
01:01:54cheeseburger
01:02:18screw your life up your body officially hates you stop this before you die
01:02:32Gina get your big butt in here and give me some coffee
01:02:38yeah I'm really scared I can't remember ever feeling this bad except that time he wanted
01:02:47to experiment and that vibrator knocked out all my teeth thanks honey I love you too
01:03:00years ago I took an oath to look out for the best interest of my patients you know I've
01:03:14been asking myself if I am indeed doing that see moron doesn't have any friends
01:03:22except for maybe his old gutter slut mother and she's been in and out of jail throughout most of his
01:03:32pathetic life now she's in a mental rehab facility out in Claremont
01:03:41and I think this whole experiment is a result of many years of pain and neglect
01:03:53poor moron those who risk everything usually don't have much to live for
01:04:05as soon as I got out of San Quentin the very first bus stop was right here so I got out and took a crap right there
01:04:20so I came over to the counter and experienced my very first big top burger last year I ate 2148 burgers I think I hold the world's record you ever run out of money and get a big top Jones
01:04:27duh hell no one trip to the men's room I can make 20 bucks same room I crapped in ten years ago
01:04:34call it fate
01:04:35wow
01:04:36wow
01:04:37wow
01:04:38wow
01:04:39wow
01:04:40wow
01:04:41wow
01:04:42wow
01:04:43wow
01:04:44wow
01:04:45wow
01:04:46wow
01:04:47wow
01:04:48wow
01:04:49wow
01:04:50wow
01:04:51wow
01:04:52wow
01:04:53Rad and stop
01:04:54.
01:04:55wow
01:04:59wow
01:05:00wow
01:05:01wow
01:05:03wow
01:05:07wow
01:05:19wow
01:05:20wow
01:05:21wow
01:05:22wow wow
01:05:23My artwork is all about Jack.
01:05:27He fascinates me.
01:05:29I spent hours on this masterpiece.
01:05:32Nice.
01:05:33This is me.
01:05:36And this is Jack holding a sword.
01:05:39He has me chained up so that I'll eat all the crumbs
01:05:43off his dirty floor.
01:05:45Very nice.
01:05:46This one?
01:05:48Jack is bitch slapping me to kingdom come
01:05:52because I spilled a jar of scalding hot mayonnaise
01:05:57all over his lap.
01:05:59Oh, shit.
01:06:02This one's not finished yet.
01:06:08Put Jack on the phone, I said.
01:06:10Sorry, pal. He went bowling.
01:06:13Well, you told him the jig is up.
01:06:15Screw you.
01:06:16Well, screw you, too.
01:06:18I mean, this is hard for me to do.
01:06:21I mean, people need to know about Jack's.
01:06:23They need to know the truth.
01:06:26See? Back in college, we used to eat Jack's all the time.
01:06:32Who knew?
01:06:33Who knew?
01:06:34Well, I gotta go.
01:06:35It's time for my self-breast exam.
01:06:36I do one every hour.
01:06:37You know, you can never be too careful.
01:06:40Yeah, we traced the calls back to his trailer.
01:06:43No shit!
01:06:50Hey, moron!
01:06:51Whoa!
01:06:52You're fucking up the wrong bush, queerbait!
01:06:55Easy, Jack. What are you talking about?
01:06:57The TV shows! The phone calls!
01:06:59The phone calls!
01:07:00The phone calls!
01:07:01That wasn't me.
01:07:02I don't even know your number.
01:07:03Well, I got yours, punk!
01:07:05And if I got one more report of you snooping around,
01:07:08I'll make panties out of your ass!
01:07:11And soda out of your piss!
01:07:13Actually, he is one of our better dancers.
01:07:38Better dancers.
01:07:42I dance for Jack.
01:07:45I love Jack.
01:07:53I'm crazy for Jack.
01:08:04I dance for Jack.
01:08:08Jack rules.
01:08:13Do you know where Jack's headquarters is?
01:08:16No, he's always in an office in his commercials.
01:08:18I don't know where it is. Is this in San Diego? I don't know where it is.
01:08:21Yeah, up the road, hang a left, follow the trail of dead animals.
01:08:29So now we have what are called Jack heads.
01:08:31These people that'll do just about anything to wolf down that next fight.
01:08:35I mean, just the other week I heard of these kids in Iowa that stabbed a Jack's employee in the neck with a sharpened corn dog stick.
01:08:42Jack attacks. Not a pretty sight.
01:08:45Jack heads are popping up everywhere these days. It's pretty scary.
01:08:49And no one really knows the long-term effects of Jack's food.
01:08:53When these hormones saturate our brain functions, they confuse the neurotransmitters, causing severe mental derangement, mood swings, and anxiety.
01:09:02In other words, it'll make you crazier than a cross-eyed crack whore.
01:09:07Yeah, I was strung out on Jack's for years, but I still think about all the people I hurt when I was high on Jack's.
01:09:28My friends. My old ladies. Ugh.
01:09:33I fractured my grandma's skull with a chain off a minibike for crying out loud.
01:09:38Well, actually, she kind of deserves it. She took some of my fries. Without asking.
01:09:45Listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me!
01:09:55I'm here with you! Every day it's the same thing! You get up! You wash your ass!
01:10:01You're used to stick! That's off!
01:10:03Company gave me a restraining order to stay off their property, see?
01:10:07But I'm the only son! My daddy Jack's a deadbeat. He says, I'm not his! I'm not his!
01:10:13Then why do I look just like him? Huh? Huh?
01:10:22My favorite song is Pasta or Muppet. It goes a little bit like this.
01:10:28I don't know what I was saying to myself. I said, I don't know what I was saying to myself.
01:10:31Give me that bucket of thing!
01:10:32Get away from your ass!
01:10:35Get away from me
01:10:36You can't sit! I don't throw!
01:10:39You can't stand at home!
01:10:43You can't stand at home! He's so funny I wanna go!
01:10:46Help! Help! waste ha ha ha ha ha ha!
01:10:59What the hell?
01:11:02I'm here to speak to Jack.
01:11:06Sorry, I can't help you.
01:11:08Come on, you sure you can't let me see him?
01:11:10No. Sorry, there's nothing I can do.
01:11:12You sure about that?
01:11:13Yeah. Sorry, I can't help you. You need to get out of here.
01:11:15You sure there isn't something I can do?
01:11:17Nothing that comes to mind.
01:11:18Yeah.
01:11:27I've finally done it. I got past security.
01:11:32Where's Jack?
01:11:40Let me call you right back.
01:11:42Who the hell are you?
01:11:44I'm your company's worst fear.
01:11:47The FDA?
01:11:49No, I'm making a movie about the damage that your company does to America.
01:11:53So what do you want to know?
01:11:55Let's start with the simple questions first.
01:11:58Okay.
01:11:59How would you describe Jack's food?
01:12:02Bowel packing?
01:12:05I have something I want to show you.
01:12:07Hey, hey, hey, I'm married.
01:12:09Holy cyclops kid.
01:12:11What do you have to say about this?
01:12:13Where do you shop for bras?
01:12:17This is from the hormones in your fat-ridden food.
01:12:20Hogwash!
01:12:21Fat-ridden?
01:12:22We have a lot of low-calorie items on our menu.
01:12:26Do you even know what a calorie is?
01:12:28A calorie?
01:12:29Yeah.
01:12:30Calorie.
01:12:31Calorie.
01:12:32It starts with a C and S.
01:12:35Calorie.
01:12:36Gladys.
01:12:37Find out what a calorie is.
01:12:39So how did such an imbecile get a job like this?
01:12:43Well, time sanitation department really wasn't hiring.
01:12:48Well, it's no secret.
01:12:50You used to work for your competitors, McDoodles.
01:12:55Well, okay, okay, you got me.
01:12:58They let me go.
01:12:59But it could have happened to anybody.
01:13:01Why?
01:13:02Money laundering, fraud, embezzlement, sexual harassment.
01:13:07They dropped that one.
01:13:09I gotta go.
01:13:11Well, if you're waiting on the Food Channel, they're not coming.
01:13:14Our food is an icon of health.
01:13:18Uh, come in.
01:13:19Come in.
01:13:20Just a second.
01:13:21Sorry, Mr. Singer.
01:13:23We finished making patties.
01:13:24Our hands are killing us.
01:13:26Can we take a break?
01:13:27Uh, okay.
01:13:29Take 20 minutes, but put down 30.
01:13:32Alright.
01:13:33Okay.
01:13:34Uh, wait.
01:13:35Do you guys know what a calorie is?
01:13:37No.
01:13:38No.
01:13:39Huh.
01:13:40Okay.
01:13:41You can go.
01:13:42It's a miracle these guys are even alive.
01:13:46Huh.
01:13:47It's a miracle they even speak English.
01:13:50Did you know Jack hires illegal aliens?
01:13:53No comprende.
01:13:54Hey, you're back here.
01:13:55I'm English.
01:13:56Come here.
01:13:57I mean, how do you sleep at night?
01:13:58Usually in the nude.
01:14:00Uh, I gotta go.
01:14:02I have an appointment.
01:14:03Uh, so pack your shit and bounce, punky.
01:14:07Why do you think there's no fast food joints in Beverly Hills?
01:14:17Because I think people in Beverly Hills are really snotty and they wouldn't go to a fast food.
01:14:22They could afford something more expensive and so that's probably where they go.
01:14:25Man, they ain't got no jack shacks in the 2-1-0.
01:14:29They don't even feed that shit to their pets.
01:14:32Just one more day to go.
01:14:40As I reflect back on my experience, I just wonder, was it all worth it?
01:14:50Come on, morons.
01:15:04One more day to go.
01:15:06Let's see how much you gain.
01:15:08Wow.
01:15:10You look good in diapers.
01:15:13Will that complete your order or would you like something else today, sir?
01:15:34Yeah, and a sideshow salad.
01:15:37Hey, mother fucker, give me some change.
01:15:39Uh, yeah, hold on.
01:15:40Um.
01:15:41One second.
01:15:42Yeah, jack me.
01:15:43Hey, one-titty motherfucker wanna jack me right now.
01:15:45Jack me!
01:15:46Jack me!
01:15:47Jack me!
01:15:48Jack me!
01:15:49Jack me!
01:15:50Jack me!
01:15:51Jack me!
01:15:52Jack me!
01:15:54Jack me!
01:15:55Jack me!
01:15:58Jack me!
01:16:00Jack me!
01:16:01Jack me!
01:16:03Fuck this!
01:16:04Come on Jack, it's time to take this guy out.
01:16:07What's the problem?
01:16:08What's the problem?
01:16:09Problem is, he's my best customer!
01:16:11Jack, let me handle it.
01:16:14I got this dick!
01:16:16Wait a minute, that sounds a little weird.
01:16:19I know what you mean.
01:16:31Well, this is it, the final test.
01:16:34Over the course of 30 days, I gained 28 pounds,
01:16:39puked my guts out,
01:16:40grew knockers,
01:16:42had one removed,
01:16:44shit a river of jack juice,
01:16:46fashioned a diaper,
01:16:48got my ass kicked and carjacked,
01:16:50only one more meal to go.
01:17:04Hey, I'm with it.
01:17:23Hey, what's wrong with you, boy?
01:17:27I think you're having a bad life.
01:17:29I guess so.
01:17:30What do you mean you guess up?
01:17:32Hey, how would you feel about getting naked
01:17:33and watching Chuck Norris movies?
01:17:35Huh?
01:17:36Dad?
01:17:37Dad?
01:17:39Naked on me anyway!
01:17:40Ah!
01:17:44Get your ass back in here, boy!
01:17:46I need to talk to you!
01:17:48Ah!
01:17:48Ah!
01:17:49Ah!
01:17:49Ah!
01:17:50Ah!
01:17:50Ah!
01:17:51Ah!
01:17:52Ah!
01:17:52Ah!
01:17:53Ah!
01:17:53Ah!
01:17:54Ah!
01:17:54Ah!
01:17:55Ah!
01:17:55Ah!
01:17:56Ah!
01:17:56Ah!
01:17:57Ah!
01:17:58Ah!
01:17:58Ah!
01:17:59Ah!
01:17:59Ah!
01:18:00Ah!
01:18:01Ah!
01:18:02Ah!
01:18:12Ah!
01:18:13Where is that dildo?
01:18:19Say goodbye, moron!
01:18:26Ah!
01:18:26What happened to him, man?
01:18:37Hey, look, it's Jack.
01:18:40Hey, what happened?
01:18:42I don't know, man. He just keeled over.
01:18:44Well, God, it must have been something he ate.
01:18:47He almost made it.
01:18:56Oh, shit. I've forgotten my Bible.
01:19:22Does anyone have a Bible handy?
01:19:26Come on, Father. Let's get this over with.
01:19:31Really, man? I gotta take a crap.
01:19:36Moron was a good man.
01:19:38With thoughts of friends.
01:19:41Yeah, right.
01:19:44You are one funny guy, Doc.
01:19:47Let's blow this graveyard and go get loaded.
01:19:50Oh, Doctor, you put the fun in funeral.
01:19:56I guess he won't be needing you anymore.
01:20:01I guess he won't be needing you anymore.
01:20:01I'll see you next time.
01:20:31I'll have to ride home, Jack.
01:20:37Jack Bray!
01:20:51Jack Bray!
01:20:54Jack Bray!
01:20:57Jack Bray!
01:21:00Jack Bray!
01:21:02Jack Bray!
01:21:04Jack Bray!
01:21:30Jack Bray!
01:21:32Jack Bray!
01:21:34Jack Bray!
01:21:36Jack Bray!
01:21:40Jack Bray!
01:21:42Jack Bray!
01:21:46Jack Bray!
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