- 7 months ago
Compilation of Norman Lamont.
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00:00I say, how did all this stuff get in my briefcase?
00:05I still don't understand how all this stuff got in my briefcase.
00:09Actually, Norman, I think that might be Cecil's.
00:13Now, city news.
00:1550 billion pounds were wiped off share values today,
00:18following rumours that someone in Westminster had banged their knee.
00:22Chancellor, is the city just too sensitive?
00:25No, of course not.
00:26Hang on, because just me asking that question
00:29has knocked another 20 million off the stock market.
00:32Look, the economy is certainly strong enough
00:34to withstand somebody banging their knee,
00:36despite yesterday's collapse
00:38when a leading investment broker dropped his egg sandwich.
00:41Oh, and even as we speak, Norman Lamont has farted on this programme.
00:45And how will the city react to that?
00:48Oh, and dealers have reacted nervously
00:49and knocked 100 trillion million pounds of share values.
00:53Oh, and it's a smelly one.
00:55That'll mean more businesses going to the wall.
00:57Mr. Lamont, any comment?
00:58Yes.
00:59Firstly, I'd like to make this point.
01:01It wasn't me.
01:02Secondly, I'm sure a few old farts couldn't ruin the economy.
01:06No, I'm not sure about that.
01:08We need to find some way of telling us apart.
01:12Oh, oh, I know.
01:14Why don't I put a yoghurt pot on my head?
01:17What?
01:17No, I don't understand.
01:18Well, then people would say,
01:20oh, look, it's Norman Lamont,
01:22the one who always has a yoghurt pot on his head.
01:25Well, it's worth a try.
01:30Hello?
01:31Oh, good heavens!
01:32Yes, it's Norman Lamont!
01:34The one who always has a yoghurt pot on his head.
01:38Good morning, Mr. Lamont.
01:44You know, the one with the yoghurt pot on his head?
01:47Oh, yes!
01:48Oh, what a beautiful morning!
01:50Hungry and homeless!
01:52Oh, there's no need to thank me.
01:54I'm clever Norman Lamont.
01:57You know that fantastic job you've always wanted?
02:00Yes?
02:00The one that gives you a Porsche dress,
02:02a chauffeur-driven car,
02:04and enough money to make you really fat
02:06with expensive dinners.
02:07Yes?
02:08Well, I've got it.
02:11I'm Chancellor of the Exchequer,
02:13and I'm doing really well.
02:15Have a talk, Norm.
02:17I think you deserve it.
02:19And let me assure you,
02:21with a slight waggle-waggle of my flabby face,
02:25that your economic recovery is about to happen.
02:28Is it? When?
02:30No!
02:31Oh!
02:34You've cut my arm off!
02:36No, no.
02:36I've cleverly doubled the amount of employment for your other arm.
02:41I'm bleeding to death!
02:42No, you're just experiencing a wonderful growth
02:45in the having-your-arm-cut-off industry.
02:49Oh, Norm, I don't know how you do it.
02:52Have another choccy.
02:54Er, hello.
02:55Erm...
02:56Oh, yes.
02:58Norman.
02:58Now, according to these polls,
03:00people aren't believing your message
03:02that we're on the road to recovery.
03:04Oh, but they will, Johnny.
03:05Johnny, if you repeat something often enough,
03:08people will believe it.
03:09But the British public won't swallow it.
03:12Oh, but they will, Johnny.
03:13If you repeat something often enough,
03:16people will believe it.
03:17They won't accept it.
03:19Oh, but they will, Johnny.
03:21If you repeat something often enough,
03:23people will believe it.
03:25Er...
03:26You know, I think you're right.
03:29I think he's got it.
03:31There now follows a party political broadcast
03:34by the Right Honourable...
03:36Er...
03:37Oh, yes.
03:37Norman Lamont, MP.
03:40Good evening.
03:41Yum, yum.
03:42Mmm.
03:42You know, some people are saying
03:44there are now homeless, hungry people
03:46in every city in the land.
03:49Well, this kind of rapid expansion
03:50would never have happened under a Labour government.
03:53Britain leads Europe in the production of
03:55hypothermia,
03:57UB40 cards,
03:58and 61% more people
04:00now own their own head lice.
04:04OK, this chart may show a massive drop in output,
04:07but just look how well it stays on the wall.
04:10I mean, you might as well say
04:11that if I touch these two high-voltage cables together,
04:14there'd be a massive electrical explosion.
04:19Fire! Fire!
04:20Everybody, clear the studio, please.
04:22Clear the studio.
04:23Tut, tut.
04:24Some people see doom and gloom in everything.
04:27Surely the raging inferno sweeping through the studio
04:30marks a dramatic upturn
04:32in the poisonous smoke and ash industry.
04:35Ah, what a lovely tune.
04:39Excellent.
04:40I predict a boom in the studio rebuilding industry.
04:44I will now slip into the kind of sustained long-term coma
04:49that could only happen under the Conservatives.
04:53So, if we keep denying this £11 billion we're spending is an election bribe,
05:02people will eventually believe it.
05:04No, they'll never believe that.
05:06Oh, dear.
05:07I must say, Norman, your autumn statement was very optimistic about next year.
05:15Because I assumed there would be a 2.5% growth in the economy.
05:19No, because...
05:21We apologise for the late arrival of the punchline to this sketch.
05:34This was due to a leaf on the camera.
05:38You know, Norman, I think I should bottle myself on someone more dynamic,
05:47more exciting, more interesting.
05:50Who?
05:51Ken Barlow.
05:53Oh, we don't want to be too extreme.
05:55No.
05:56No.
05:56Happy first year to you.
06:00Happy first year to you.
06:03Thank you very much.
06:03Happy first year, dear.
06:07John.
06:08John.
06:09John!
06:11Happy first year to you.
06:14Yes, our first year has gone very well, very well indeed.
06:18In fact, I think I deserve some more cake.
06:20Well, it hasn't gone that well.
06:22But the polls still show we are the party the voters trust to run the economy.
06:26Yes.
06:26And you know why?
06:27Because 45,000 businesses have gone bankrupt this year.
06:30No.
06:31Because there's 800,000 more unemployed.
06:33No.
06:34Because 100,000 homes will be repossessed this year.
06:37No, they trust us with the economy because the voters are extremely stupid.
06:44Incredibly stupid.
06:45Well, well, they're quite stupid.
06:47No, John, they're unbelievably stupid.
06:49Do you know, they're paying more tax overall than they've never paid before.
06:52And what are they getting in return?
06:54Education spending down.
06:55Hospital waiting lists up.
06:57The real value of pensions down.
06:59Crime up.
07:00Over 100%.
07:01Actually, they are pretty stupid, aren't they?
07:04Look at them watching.
07:06There's a bloke there in Norwich who voted for us last time, who's lost his job, had his
07:10house repossessed and his house repossessed and he's still going to vote for us.
07:13Stupid, stupid, stupid.
07:16Hey, hey, look, let's throw things at them.
07:19They'll support us even more.
07:21Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
07:26And I want you all to wear ladies clothes every day between now and the election.
07:30But, uh, keep it conventional, hey, Norman?
07:33Sorry, this is all I could find in my house.
07:36Hello.
07:37I'm Norman Lamont and I'm buggering up the economy.
07:41Last year, I made a prediction.
07:44I said that I wouldn't be in the shit.
07:47And now, here I am, definitely not in the shit, and getting less in it all the time.
07:54Oh, Norman, you're doing so well.
07:56And if I pull this chain, I predict I'll be doing even better.
08:01There you are, just as I predicted.
08:04The way things are going, I'll soon be out of the shit altogether.
08:09Try that.
08:10Don't worry about it.
08:10It's okay.
08:13Oh, it's one of them.
08:14Oh, please.
08:15Come on, please.
08:15Gentlemen, gentlemen, we've brought you to this factory to show you what British industry is making today.
08:23Oh.
08:24Nothing.
08:25Nothing?
08:26Yes.
08:26What?
08:27Britain leads the world in the nothing industry.
08:31There are people exporting nothing, mending nothing, and our shops are selling nothing.
08:37This government can be very proud of nothing.
08:39We commissioned some independent statistical research into the government's economic performance,
08:50and they've come up with this.
08:53Oh, dear.
08:56Well, that's very encouraging.
08:58Oh, you don't think there's the merest suggestion there that, uh, you are crap?
09:05No, no.
09:06It shows it's a world problem.
09:08Oh, what about these additional findings?
09:14Just the sort of recovery I predicted.
09:17Right, well, uh, let's put it another way.
09:20You're complete crap.
09:22You're an absolute dog's dinner of a chancellor.
09:25Hello in there.
09:27No one likes you.
09:30So, it's not all bad news, then.
09:32You're crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.
09:36Hmm.
09:37You know, it has crossed my mind that perhaps I'm crap and should resign.
09:44Oh, yes.
09:45Please.
09:46But your loyal support has persuaded me otherwise.
09:49Oh, come on.
09:50Always look on the bright side of life.
09:55Da-dum.
09:56Da-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum.
09:59Always look on the bright side of life.
10:03Da-dum.
10:04Da-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum.
10:07Always look on the...
10:09and so it came to pass that even soon all the clever people in the land were voting conservative
10:28and mary and joseph were visited by three nice kind lovely travelers from the land of whitehall
10:36behold it is us the eight wise men don't you mean three not according to these mighty treasury
10:44statistics a miracle truly i'm mightily clever and for my next miracle i bring your child untold
10:54wealth and riches and i owe you note surely the conservative party is the greatest thing there
11:02ever was yes you're right after all and i was wrong what conservative everyone a miracle
11:11oh not that seat norman but the chancellor always sits next to you
11:18uh yes well i thought we'd have a change that's all oh oh virginia morning oh look there's only one seat
11:27left oh yeah well uh i i suppose you'd better sit here then hip hip hooray everyone we've done it
11:37the recession's over and i'm so pleased that i'm going to give you all a nice present oh
11:44first norman i know in the past some people have said you were an incompetent little twerk
11:51but congratulations on reducing interest rates well actually john they may go up oh oh well well not
12:02to worry uh right everyone uh who's going to kick off this special meeting about the recession
12:09uh well what i think i think we should reduce our public sector borrowing requirement remove the
12:16basic tax rate amount yes can i can i just stop you there john because i hate to be a bore and
12:22everything but uh aren't you uh in the labor party oh well if you're going to get technical it's just
12:28that the cabinet has been carefully selected so that it contains conservatives well if i can just come
12:34in here because it's brian gould look what's going on here the truth is john that neither of us are going
12:43to make it to prime minister unless we join the conservative party but what about the fundamental
12:48difference between our policies uh well yeah all right but there must be other problems look we'll
12:56work jolly hard and do as we are told i'm sorry it's no good i'm going to have to ask you to leave
13:02brian and you can small spot and you norman me but i'm the chancellor i'm supposed to be in the cabinet
13:12go on off you go now what were your ideas for the economy john uh well well john it's all about
13:19prudence prudence yes how do you spell that um john yes norman i decided to plunge my hand into this
13:27blender and look oh dear how did it happen like this oh you see and there were no warning signs
13:36whatsoever oh dear me what do the instructions say um ahtong ahtong nick stick the hunden in here
13:46ah i might have known it's a german blender norman we're not going to let germany tell us what to do
13:53stick it in again okay um oh john seems to be a marked up turn in the agony in my hand well if it
14:01isn't hurting it isn't working yes but shouldn't i take it out again oh that might be dangerous let's
14:08wait for the french to decide any minute now yes oh thank you well norman they say you should keep
14:18your hand in there isn't that good news oh yes look john you can see the bright red spirty signs of
14:25recovery already ah oh i'm feeling good someone in this room has become a major embarrassment to the
14:36government yes i'm sorry but they know what they have to do and they must do it now
14:41i resign and so do i
14:50sorry sir it's eight items or less well that's all right i've only got 20. 20 is more than eight
14:56are you questioning my judgment i'm better at sums than you are why because one i'm the chancellor
15:03two i'm very good with figures and uh five uh no hang on you can't even count nonsense figures are my 39
15:11i mean my forte there's people waiting here well i don't care about them i have to look after number
15:17five number one what oh now i'm all at sixes and eight sevens oh honestly for god's sake just go away
15:25well that's fine by me i want to be home by 10. uh no 12 no 15 no 12 again 10. in fact i'll bring it
15:33down to nine well three blue yes so the government has wasted over two billion pounds in a pointless
15:45attempt to prop up the pound enough to build 30 district hospitals tonight i'm going to ask a top
15:53cabinet minister to defend this stupid policy in front of millions of people
16:04go on then they're waiting no no it's your turn i'm waiting oh no no i'm not going norman get out
16:13there me but i've done the last 15 interviews yes it's the pm's job he's in charge ah i've got an idea
16:20quick pass me that mop well finally we have with us a mr m mop the new minister for defending
16:32government cock-ups mr mop this government's a bit crap this part but is there anything you can do to
16:42save the economy yes well thank you mr mop it worked it worked the mop performed brilliantly we're saved with
16:54him doing all the interviews we can wipe this crisis out yes by the way uh where is he oh oh oh moppy darling
17:05that was fantastic i've just got to call a newspaper friend of mine british government regret to announce
17:13the 1992 recovery has been delayed indefinitely is this the british government information
17:28uh don't know mate well it says so up there look how long is this recovery going to be don't know mate
17:35well what's the big hold up uh don't know mate well who knows what's going on don't know mate
17:41do you know what's going on don't know mate look can't you say anything more helpful than don't know
17:46mate don't know right right who's in charge around here don't know mate ask him look give me one
17:53reason why i should have voted for you lot of the last election ah well we know the answer to that
17:58don't we know don't know mate i'm going to do what's best for britain hey isn't it nice to get away
18:09from conference for a few hours wow i've just 120p oh well done norman how much have you put in uh one and
18:17a half billion excuse me excuse me i've come about uh car registration number e-c-o-n-o-my is it ready
18:34don't know mate well has it been fixed yet don't know mate ask norm are you norm don't know mate ask him
18:42is he norm don't know mate oh this is ridiculous look you've had it over 12 years you promised it
18:47to be fixed by now what's exactly wrong with it don't know mate if you don't know what's wrong
18:53with it what are you doing that for don't know mate aren't you just making it worse don't know mate
18:59why are you two so apathetic don't know mate oh aren't you gonna make any attempt to get it started
19:06don't know mate well how much longer is this gonna take don't know mate but we both know one thing
19:12what it's gonna cost you how much don't know mate
19:21right everyone right have we got a brewery yes have we got people yes then let's have a piss up
19:31okay hellraisers who's brought the booze uh oh sorry i think my bag got a leak i didn't think
19:38we need to bring any i organize a piss up in a brewery and nobody brings anything well we should
19:43have gone to a place where it's easy to have a piss up how about a moz um well first things first we'll
19:49need something to drink out of look oh yes hundreds and hundreds of beer bottles right everyone grab a
19:59bottle yes if we empty these we'll have something to drink out of brilliant right now where are we going
20:06to find a place with lots of alcohol um michael wait i'll give you a big clue it's not far away and
20:14it begins with a b baby bahrain yes come on everyone i'll drive tonight we need your help to find a
20:27dangerous man who's ruined the lives of thousands this man is a pathological liar he told these victims
20:35they'd have a secure job if they didn't strike now they've lost their homes this serial liar uses the
20:41same lie again and again and he just can't stop one witness speaks out well he said i had a brilliant
20:49future as a chancellor and should move in next door then he told me we wouldn't withdraw from the erm or
20:56or devalue i'd swear blind he knows what he's doing why i'm a bigger liar than he is still don't have
21:04nightmares good night excuse me aren't you supposed to be working don't know mate which one of you's in
21:14charge don't know mate look are you going to do this every week uh don't know mate oh freeze
21:28norman lamont john major the recessionals nobody move we can't have you see the ash prices round here
21:38shut it sunshine we heard you were doing a job no one does jobs while we're around we'll soon put a
21:45stop to your little game yeah where are we going uh don't know mate do you know the recessionals they
21:55don't mean business the sun will come out tomorrow so you got to hang on till tomorrow
22:06come what be tomorrow tomorrow i love ya tomorrow you're out lay a day away
22:17oh norman not again no no i'm sure i'm on the verge of a sustained recovery
22:44all it needs is a return in confidence for growth to start you've been saying that for ages darling
22:52don't listen to the moaning minis norman have confidence there is no soft option yes you're
23:00right confidence oh oh oh i can feel a surge coming on oh good should we try again then yes
23:07oh dear it was only a blip you're fired your name please uh norman lamont and your specialist
23:20subject uh the recovery moment you have two minutes starting now what measures have finally
23:26produced the first signs of recovery uh cutting interest rates devaluing the pound and leaving the
23:31erm correct who said that those measures would be disastrous for the economy uh i did correct
23:37who refused to implement them for over two years was finally forced into it on black wednesday and is
23:40now trying to take the credit for doing so uh me correct why are you still chancellor and you may answer
23:48uh is it because i'm the luckiest bastard alive correct normal you have scored four points oh
23:54uh oh is that more than 10
24:00oh
24:02rien de rien
24:05non je ne regrette rien
24:10ni le bien
24:13qu'on va faire
24:16ni le mal
24:18tout ça m'est bien
24:24non je ne regrette rien
24:50oh what a beautiful morning
24:52Oh, what a beautiful day. I've got a beautiful feeling. Everything's going my way.
25:06Oh, what a beautiful morning. Oh, what a beautiful day. I've got a beautiful feeling. Everything's
25:21going my way. Oh, what a beautiful day.
25:45And don't come back.
25:47Oh, very well. I'd like you to meet the new queen.
25:53Hello.
25:54Oh, no, I'm not snooping with that.
25:57Oh, no, no.
25:59Oh, my goodness.
26:09Okay.
26:12Oh, no, no.
26:15oh no right I'm next no I'm it's mortal no well folks
26:45I've got rid of that Norman Levant once and for all hello what's that bubbling
26:51noise my pet bunny John major in fatal rejection help help help you think you
27:05can just use me and throw me away well what but I was rather sort of hoping to
27:11how's Kenneth is he as good as me right because I'm going to tell you
27:29he's definitely dead sorry John my recoveries just started you know the guilty
27:49one always starts in the end that's right John right now for Graham Taylor the end
28:01you just call out my name and you know wherever I am I'll come running yes I will to see you again
28:23oh baby don't you know about winter spring summer or fall all you've got to do is call
28:34and I'll be there yeah yeah yeah you got a friend baby you got a friend ain't it good to know
28:47you got a friend yeah yeah yeah you got a friend
28:53oh dear
28:55oh dear
28:55oh dear
28:55oh dear
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