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00:00:00Greasy burgers, chicken too, goes through you like shit through a goose.
00:00:05Jackass food that's hard to chew, but it goes through you like shit through a goose.
00:00:11That's it.
00:00:12Hey, hey.
00:00:13Yeah, we was in harmony.
00:00:15Yeah, we were.
00:00:15That was a good cut.
00:00:16I'm for a fat secret.
00:00:18America.
00:00:21Home of the fat.
00:00:23We got the largest donuts, the largest hamburgers,
00:00:28the largest hot dogs,
00:00:30the largest knockers,
00:00:33and the largest, fattest, hungriest human beings on planet Earth.
00:00:37In fact, if you live in the U.S., you'll probably see more fat in your lifetime than a slaughterhouse floor.
00:00:44Congratulations, swine.
00:00:45And the hormones in the food are enough to make a toddler grow tits.
00:00:50We have way too many fast food joints in America.
00:00:54I mean, there's a park and puke on practically every corner.
00:00:57However, the vomit being served today is way out of control.
00:01:01Things used to be different.
00:01:02Home-cooked meals used to be an American pastime.
00:01:06It's much easier today to just hit up a Jack's Shack for dinner.
00:01:10But at what cost?
00:01:12Although my mom didn't cook that often,
00:01:14I still have many memories of her rattling the pots and pans in our kitchen.
00:01:18This is her way back when.
00:01:20Sometimes, if she wasn't too hungover,
00:01:23she'd whip up some toast or a nice bowl of cereal.
00:01:27Oh, and here's a good picture of her in the kitchen,
00:01:30taken right after she gang-banged about a dozen Hell's Angels.
00:01:34Good one, Mom.
00:01:35In fact, most of my memories of her are in the kitchen.
00:01:38Probably because that's where she kept the booze.
00:01:41The only time we ate out was when one of Mama's boyfriends
00:01:45knocked over a liquor store
00:01:46or when she turned a trick down at the laundromat.
00:01:50Now we have a new public enemy number one,
00:01:53Jack.
00:01:55And his commercials are just a sick display of his power in the fast food market.
00:01:59My name is Jack.
00:02:03Yo, and I'm not wack.
00:02:04My food's more addictive than crack.
00:02:06I got a new sandwich for all you ladies.
00:02:08Take one bite, it's hotter than Hades.
00:02:11And I call it the Suicide Sandwich.
00:02:14Cause it's hotter than a fat bitch.
00:02:15Take one bite and your anus will twist.
00:02:17Snacks with peppers and chili powder.
00:02:19When you creep, you'll never scream louder.
00:02:22For my Suicide Sandwich.
00:02:25Grab ones a day.
00:02:28Diaper not included.
00:02:30Yeah, about as funny as a fart in a morgue.
00:02:34There's a new Jack's popping up every day.
00:02:37And let's not forget the hazards of his horrible food.
00:02:40It's a scary hormone-injected menu of death.
00:02:47Now what would happen if I ate Jack for a month straight?
00:02:51Well, I guess I'd have to know him pretty well, huh?
00:02:54But seriously, I don't know Jack.
00:02:56Not yet, anyway.
00:02:57I've just heard the horror stories.
00:03:00So now it's time I taste what I've been missing.
00:03:03So come on.
00:03:04Yeah!
00:03:06Oh my God!
00:03:08So now I'm going to give you some fun of this.
00:03:13So, now I'm going to kill you.
00:03:14I'm going to kill you.
00:03:15Well, how are you?
00:03:16I'm going to kill you.
00:03:16I'm going to kill you.
00:03:17I'm going to kill you.
00:03:19Oh, my God.
00:03:49I figured if I was going to go all out on a 30-day jacksbender, I would need a reputable
00:04:17physician to monitor my health.
00:04:19Problem is, I don't have insurance, so I enlisted the medical supervision of an ex-veterinarian
00:04:26who ran an underground clinic down by the LA River.
00:04:30Any history of health problems?
00:04:33Not really.
00:04:34No aneurysms, retardation?
00:04:37I did have some mental illness a few years back.
00:04:40Oh, tell me more.
00:04:41Well, let's just say I got a little crazy at Cheesy Chuck's Pizza Parlor one night,
00:04:46and when they arrested me, I was naked in the ball crawl.
00:04:51Are you sexually active?
00:04:53Yes.
00:04:53A girlfriend?
00:04:55Yes.
00:04:56No, I said girlfriend.
00:04:58Um, yeah.
00:05:00Yeah.
00:05:01Right.
00:05:02Any history of family diseases?
00:05:04Let's see.
00:05:05My dad drank till his guts vulcanized, and my mom had every STD and TJ.
00:05:11TJ?
00:05:12Yeah.
00:05:13My mom rode more donkeys down there than Pancho Villa.
00:05:16The reason I ask about your parents is that heredity plays a large part in our health.
00:05:22Why, did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
00:05:25It is?
00:05:26Yeah.
00:05:27It runs in your genes.
00:05:32Now, are you sure you want to go ahead with this?
00:05:35You realize Jack's food is one of the leading causes of serious health abnormalities.
00:05:44Jack is an evil, sadistic clown that preys upon our children and our community.
00:05:50It's my moral obligation to show this great country exactly what this hormone-injected
00:05:58garbage can do to a human.
00:06:00All right, moron.
00:06:01It's your body.
00:06:02I wouldn't worry too much.
00:06:04You look strong as a horse.
00:06:06So, let's get started with some tests, shall we?
00:06:10Our food is good!
00:06:12It's good for America!
00:06:13The FDA.
00:06:15They're coming down on us.
00:06:17We only use the best ingredients.
00:06:19We use the best shit there is.
00:06:21And the FDA can drink my piss!
00:06:32Doctor is in and wearing a grin.
00:06:35I've got a PhD in sodomy.
00:06:39Lift your gown, spread your cheeks.
00:06:41This physical takes three whole weeks.
00:06:44This month of a mile manure will make your toes curl.
00:06:47I'll grab your nuts like a starved squirrel.
00:06:50Mother's shirt's in.
00:06:50What's that for?
00:06:53A little more hypno, a little action for the rectal exam.
00:06:56Now practice suits don't bother me.
00:06:58Cause I got some PhD in sodomy.
00:07:02I got some PhD in sodomy.
00:07:13So overall, you're pretty healthy.
00:07:15The worst that can happen to you is you would die an excruciating death and Satan would emerge
00:07:21from the bowels of hell and torment your soul forever.
00:07:24Well, I guess I can live with that.
00:07:28Okay.
00:07:29Okay.
00:07:30Good luck, moron.
00:07:31Thanks, Doc.
00:07:32You're a good man.
00:07:33Screw you, hobos!
00:07:34My art campaign is a recipe for success.
00:07:35Smoke, tits, and Satan!
00:07:37Jack, it's not all about rump shaking and tit twirling.
00:07:41It's, um...
00:07:42Jack, you're white!
00:07:43Whiter than, um...
00:07:56Albinos ass.
00:07:57Get to the point, dicklicks!
00:07:58White rappers suck.
00:07:59Say that to anima!
00:08:00Four number one hits this year alone!
00:08:04You'll get that one hit, uh...
00:08:06Ass hostage?
00:08:08You didn't have that one hit, uh, ass hostage?
00:08:13Exactly! Inhale my sausage! I'll make you my ass hostage!
00:08:20But that wigger was a fluke.
00:08:23Well, for some street cred, we do have Blackjack.
00:08:28What?
00:08:30Roll the tape.
00:08:33My name is Jack and my ass is black.
00:08:36My burger's a bomb, cause I'm the real Mac.
00:08:38I smack their buns in the beef I'm tossed.
00:08:40Then I throw down my special sauce.
00:08:43Just slide your beef in the buns.
00:08:46Come on, just slide your beef in the buns.
00:08:50Ugh!
00:08:51The all-new Blackjack Burger.
00:08:53It's hot and it's squirts.
00:08:56You're shitting me!
00:08:58Where on God's wide earth did you find this hood rat?
00:09:02Compton Clown School, actually.
00:09:05Top of his class.
00:09:06You dumb prince!
00:09:08There's already an unfunny fat ass in Hollywood named Jack Black!
00:09:14No!
00:09:15It's Blackjack!
00:09:18F you!
00:09:19I'm Jack and that's my jail!
00:09:22And don't you forget it!
00:09:23There's only one Jack!
00:09:25Jack!
00:09:26Please!
00:09:27Come!
00:09:28Grab your cattle guilt and hit the baby!
00:09:30Do it through!
00:09:31Fire!
00:09:32Whatever.
00:09:33I'll see you later at the petting zoo.
00:09:36You better watch yourself in the alley!
00:09:39I'll put your punk ass back in the halfway house where I found you!
00:09:45Yeah, so I'm not going to exercise for a month either.
00:09:51Which suits me fine.
00:09:53I mean, this is LA.
00:09:56Nobody walks here.
00:09:58People in LA are so lazy, if they could drive to the toilet they would!
00:10:06Speaking of toilets, this is my place right up here.
00:10:13Yeah, my girlfriend's not too hip on this whole experiment thing.
00:10:17She just hates fast food.
00:10:19She says it makes her feel all rubbery.
00:10:24Yeah, we met at a little store in North Hollywood about a year ago.
00:10:35We fell in love so fast.
00:10:37So fast, she says she literally felt the wind rush through her body.
00:10:52Oh, hey honey, I was just talking about you.
00:11:03Yeah, she's a little shy around new people sometimes.
00:11:07Alright.
00:11:09Hey honey, uh, where'd you put that patch kit?
00:11:13Left leg's looking a little flat.
00:11:22Shut your lousy blowhole and listen to me!
00:11:25It's my body and if I want to wear a diaper for the rest of my life,
00:11:29that's my problem!
00:11:31So get off your lazy ass and fix me a bologna sandwich!
00:11:35I want something nice to eat before I start my Jack's diet tomorrow!
00:11:44Ah, screw me, huh?
00:11:48Say something now!
00:11:50That's what I thought!
00:11:52Psycho!
00:11:53Well, this is it! Day one!
00:12:09The first meal of the day!
00:12:11The most important meal of the day!
00:12:13Breakfast!
00:12:14Breakfast!
00:12:18We all have a Flappy Jack's breakfast combo!
00:12:21This is every kid's dream!
00:12:24Jack's!
00:12:26For breakfast,
00:12:28lunch,
00:12:29and dinner!
00:12:30He he he he!
00:12:31I got me some Flappy Jack's!
00:12:34Jack bang!
00:12:36Jack bang!
00:12:38Jack bang!
00:12:39Here goes my first spike!
00:12:40Jack bang!
00:12:42Jack bang!
00:12:43Jack bang!
00:12:44Jack bang!
00:12:45Hmm...
00:12:46Matt!
00:12:51Jack bang!
00:12:52Jack bang!
00:12:53Jack bang!
00:12:55That's right!
00:12:56Who Japanese?
00:12:57Jack bang!
00:12:59Jack bang!
00:13:01Jack bang!
00:13:03James whats having a look of Jack vain!
00:13:05Jack bang!
00:13:07Jack bang!
00:13:11Time to prepare it right.
00:13:13I don't know. I'm gonna get you back.
00:13:16I hate Jacks.
00:13:18You like Wendy's?
00:13:20Wendy's?
00:13:21Yeah, Wendy's nuts are in your mouth.
00:13:26So you ever get the Jackmeat, you know, big size?
00:13:29Yeah, I've been Jacked before.
00:13:31Man, it was fucking awesome.
00:13:37Yeah, last time I was in Jackburgers, it tasted like feet.
00:13:40Thank you very much.
00:13:41Now here's the rules.
00:13:42I can only eat food from Jacks.
00:13:44If Jacks doesn't sell it, I can't eat it.
00:13:47I have to try every item on the menu.
00:13:51And finally, I have to eat three squares a day.
00:13:55Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
00:13:58No pussing out.
00:14:00Well, it's lunchtime and I'm about to inhale the Mumbo Jumbo Jacks Super Circus Combo.
00:14:06What size do you want? Do you want to get Jacks?
00:14:09Yeah, Jack.
00:14:10Jacky.
00:14:11Jacky.
00:14:12Jacky.
00:14:13Jacky.
00:14:14Damn.
00:14:15This thing's about as rare as a full set of teeth at Walmart.
00:14:20And I got the Dumbo Jumbo Death Defying Drink.
00:14:26Oh boy.
00:14:27Oh.
00:14:28That's horrible.
00:14:29Yeah.
00:14:30That's what we got here.
00:14:31Ah, cool.
00:14:32I got the two headed circus freak action figure.
00:14:33Sweet.
00:14:34High dive time.
00:14:35Woo.
00:14:36Score baby.
00:14:37What do you think Jack's food is doing to the public's waistline?
00:14:38Shit.
00:14:39It's making the whole country a bunch of lard asses.
00:14:40And that upsets you?
00:14:41Is there a mustache in Mexico?
00:14:43Is there a mustache in Mexico?
00:14:44Now people are doing the unthinkable.
00:14:45Yeah.
00:14:46They're suing Jack's food.
00:14:47They're suing Jack's food.
00:14:48They're suing Jack's food.
00:14:49I figured.
00:14:50Sweet.
00:14:51High dive time.
00:14:52Woo.
00:14:53Ha, ha, ha.
00:14:54Score baby.
00:14:55What do you think Jack's food is doing to the public's waistline?
00:15:00Shit.
00:15:01It's making the whole country a bunch of lard asses.
00:15:05And that upsets you?
00:15:06Is there a mustache in Mexico?
00:15:08Now people are doing the unthinkable.
00:15:15They're suing Jack's greasy ass.
00:15:19Come on.
00:15:20We used to eat out quite a bit when we were kids.
00:15:24This is a new phenomenon.
00:15:25It's an epidemic.
00:15:26Kids are growing pubes in preschool.
00:15:29It's unacceptable.
00:15:30Period.
00:15:31And don't even get me started on periods.
00:15:34It's those damn hormones.
00:15:38Mmm.
00:15:39So listen, Bob.
00:15:41Here's the deal.
00:15:42Everybody's getting all fat eating all this fast food all the time.
00:15:45That's a damn shame.
00:15:46Did you know that most people eat out 40% of their meals?
00:15:50I mean, I, of course, eat out a little bit more than that.
00:15:54If you know what I'm saying.
00:15:59So, I heard you want to sue Jack.
00:16:01Oh, yeah.
00:16:02I am going to sue the suspenders off of that bald headed burger pimping bastard.
00:16:07I am going to sue Jack till he ain't got Jack.
00:16:10I am going to sue him till he can't even order off his own value menu.
00:16:14Are you kidding me?
00:16:15Yeah, you can quote me on that.
00:16:17And you've sued food companies before?
00:16:19Oh, companies.
00:16:20Schools.
00:16:21Oh, shit.
00:16:24Stella.
00:16:25Yeah, where in the hell is the file for the Little Sisters of Mercy?
00:16:28Huh?
00:16:29We got to have that in court today and I am not letting those bitches off the hook.
00:16:33Church has got plenty of money.
00:16:35The file is not on my desk in one minute.
00:16:36I am going to sue you.
00:16:37Again.
00:16:40Jack has a team of top-notch lawyers foaming at the mouth for some action.
00:16:45And occasionally, he fires back.
00:16:48Come on.
00:16:49I've been doing this shit a long time.
00:16:51I just made a ton of cash with Lord of the O-Rings.
00:16:56Then I just wrapped Butt Pirates of the Caribbean 2.
00:17:00Now I got to deal with this crap.
00:17:03Yeah, I'm currently involved in a lawsuit pending with Jack.
00:17:07It's over the use of this title.
00:17:09Jack me.
00:17:18See, this friggin' scum sack says he already owns the phrase.
00:17:25So now, next month, I got to drag my ass down to court and settle this shit.
00:17:31Not to mention, the judge wants to subpoena my two lead stars from Jack me.
00:17:37So how's that going to look?
00:17:39When the judge says, will Jennifer Love's huge dick and hairy ass Truman please take the stand?
00:17:48Yeah, somebody's going to get jacked all right.
00:17:52Mwah.
00:17:53Jax, you have a choice.
00:17:58You can choose this.
00:17:59See, you've got your circus midget size.
00:18:02Or you can choose this size, a.k.a. suicide.
00:18:08You have a choice?
00:18:09There is no choice.
00:18:11You know, I'd rather be butt raped by a large inmate than to say buy this rather than buy this.
00:18:18Shit, you can eat a trunk load of trout for how much calories you get,
00:18:22in this.
00:18:23And let me tell you, I've done it.
00:18:26I smell it.
00:18:29Jax offers various drink sizes to quench your primal thirst.
00:18:33They got the circus midget, the clown court, the midway monster,
00:18:38and of course the Jack me special, the suicides.
00:18:41And for the hardcores, there's the steroid smoothie.
00:18:45Drink it up.
00:18:46Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
00:18:49And Jack also puts a gang of sugar in his drinks.
00:18:53Not to mention ingredients more unnatural than a 90-year-old man having a sex change.
00:18:58And of course, the cherry on top, hormones.
00:19:02Welcome to Jack's.
00:19:07Can I take your order?
00:19:09Yeah, give me a bearded lady burger, an order of drunken carny curly fries, and a soda.
00:19:16Okay, pull ahead.
00:19:18Oh wait, you didn't ask me if I wanted to get Jack.
00:19:21Get your hands off my ass.
00:19:23What?
00:19:24Not you.
00:19:25I was talking to my manager.
00:19:27Oh.
00:19:28Okay.
00:19:29Just look at this thing.
00:19:33Two pounds of pure Angus fur.
00:19:37More hair than Burt Reynolds balls.
00:19:40Wow.
00:19:41Not to mention, enough curly fries to lasso Louie Anderson.
00:19:47And of course, my favorite.
00:19:50One gallon of highly caffeinated, sugar-saturated water.
00:19:58Oh boy.
00:20:00Last time I ate that much fur, I was at a swing party in Chatsworth.
00:20:07There's a chicken.
00:20:08I used it.
00:20:09Mmm.
00:20:10Mmm.
00:20:11Mmm.
00:20:12Mmm.
00:20:13Ah.
00:20:14Uh.
00:20:15Uh.
00:20:16Ah.
00:20:17Ah.
00:20:18Ah.
00:20:19Ah.
00:20:20Ah.
00:20:21Ah.
00:20:22Ah.
00:20:23Ah.
00:20:24Ah.
00:20:25Ah.
00:20:26Ah.
00:20:27Ah.
00:20:28Ah.
00:20:29Ah.
00:20:30Ah.
00:20:31Ah.
00:20:32Ah.
00:20:33Wow.
00:20:34Hey! A condom!
00:20:42Jax, it's what's for dinner.
00:20:55I feel like total crap today, but it's breakfast time and I ain't quitting now.
00:21:04Yeah, that's a son of a bitch. Our camera's caught stooping around one of the restaurants.
00:21:09It appears he's making a movie or something. Probably trying to shut you down.
00:21:12He looks like a real moron!
00:21:15Funny you should say that. His name is Moron. Moron sperm lick to be exact. A real loser.
00:21:21I tried to leave him to some shit shack out in the woods.
00:21:23You're done good, dick! I'll take it from here!
00:21:28The side effects are horrendous.
00:21:31Hair grows in weird spots. Some men even develop breasts.
00:21:35It's like suicide eating at Jax. It really is.
00:21:40Yeah, I'm getting this weird pulsating sensation in my schlong area. It's really strange.
00:21:46It must be all the hormones. Quick, give me another burger.
00:21:56Live it!
00:22:01That's the good thing about L.A. They deliver everything.
00:22:05Yeah.
00:22:09Hey, little bitch! I heard you're making a movie about how my food sucks!
00:22:14No way! Your food's healthy and nutritious?
00:22:18You're a crap moron! Everybody knows my food ain't fit for a coma, face it!
00:22:23If I hear one more story about your little arc-fag film, I'll make you go down on the clouds!
00:22:31Well, it's video, actually.
00:22:33Shut your mustache!
00:22:35If I hear any more crap, I'm gonna cut you ear to ear and you'll be wearing a smile like mine!
00:22:41Got it?
00:22:42What?
00:22:43Um, yes, Jack? I'm sorry.
00:22:45I'll be watching you!
00:22:48I'll be watching you!
00:22:51I'll be watching you! I'll be watching you!
00:22:52I'll be watching you! I'll be watching you! I'll be watching you!
00:22:57Let's face it.
00:22:58Fast food will kill ya quicker than PCP.
00:23:00And unfortunately, without that bitchin' buzz.
00:23:03And I don't think America's doing it civil duty.
00:23:05Lettin' its kids run around at all hours into the night at these grease shacks.
00:23:08Well,
00:23:09Excuse me, I am up here.
00:23:11Excuse me, I am up here.
00:23:41Rock!
00:23:47Take three bucks!
00:23:53Stick it!
00:23:55Good, Rock!
00:23:59Look, bad stuff happens when you eat this garbage every day.
00:24:03Things like...
00:24:05Violent diarrhea!
00:24:07Soft serve stool!
00:24:09Yum!
00:24:11Ring sting!
00:24:13Projectile vomiting!
00:24:15Male lactation!
00:24:19And...
00:24:20Genital strokes!
00:24:22In fact, if this continues,
00:24:24half of all kids born in the next five years
00:24:27will become so fat and bloated with hormones,
00:24:30California will indeed sink into the ocean
00:24:33before the year 2010.
00:24:35The next two weeks later
00:24:38is on to the end.
00:24:39And then everybody thinks
00:24:40I'm picking out somewhere
00:24:41somewhere somewhere I didn't know where I was
00:24:42but my hair is shaved
00:24:43with my underwear
00:24:44I'm by someone's head
00:24:45with a little bit of food chili
00:24:47on the side!
00:24:48And I'm up to get with somebody
00:24:50Welcome to another woman coming right back to me and saying, hey, woman, what could you shut up and get the hell out of my life? I don't care what your name is anyway. Shut up, guys. It's your food, bitch. What's my TV, guys? We're real about the big firehouse.
00:25:14Without further ado, let's bring out Gerald Funyon.
00:25:18What's up, brother? I'd like to thank all you wonderful kids and family for giving me the opportunity to tell my story.
00:25:27Sit down, nigglet.
00:25:29Anyways, I never smoked cigarettes without filters, and I never drank liquor that wasn't in a 40-ounce bottle.
00:25:37My hang-up was jacks. And before my last unemployment check, I weighed 400 pounds in the shade.
00:25:43So I brought a pair of my old droves. Oh, snaps. Got them backwards.
00:25:50Anyways, you get it. My black ass was fat. And active.
00:25:54I don't think the son of a bitch knew what he was getting into. I mean, raised in a trailer, abused.
00:26:12His dad was awful and horrid.
00:26:14While most kids heard bedtime stories before they went to sleep, all he heard, usually, was this.
00:26:26Yeah, my dad used to get real drunk, and he'd make me watch Chuck Norris movies in the nude with him all night.
00:26:36Do you like Jack's food?
00:26:41Yuck.
00:26:42I prefer something healthy.
00:26:44What would you rather have other than Jack's?
00:26:47Well, actually, I prefer a hot grease enema.
00:26:51Hey, I haven't actually seen you at the club lately. Where have you been, girlfriend?
00:26:54What are you talking about? We don't know each other.
00:26:57Don't hate. Masticate.
00:26:59Jax is poison, man.
00:27:06Do yourself a favor and eat out of the dumpster behind the free clinic.
00:27:12Well, you pretty much succeeded in reaming out your health.
00:27:16You gained 10 pounds, and you look like shit.
00:27:19I look like shit?
00:27:22Scratch that. You smell like shit.
00:27:26This is absurd.
00:27:27Stop it! Before it's too late!
00:27:32Late timeline.
00:27:36That'll be 425, sir.
00:27:38All right, there you go.
00:27:40Hey, did you want any special sauce with that today?
00:27:43Yeah, I'll take some special sauce. Thanks.
00:27:45All right. Hey, journey, load them up.
00:27:53Anything else today?
00:27:54I think that'll be it.
00:27:57All right, just one minute. We'll take care of your special order.
00:28:00All right.
00:28:04It's a special sauce that makes it so much more enjoyable than the food.
00:28:07Jack P!
00:28:10Jack P!
00:28:11Oh, boy. Circus Sunday Supreme.
00:28:264,000 calories of...
00:28:29What the hell is this?
00:28:33Wow, it's disgusting.
00:28:34Oh, crap. It's a headless rat.
00:28:39Where's the head?
00:28:49What?
00:28:49Should I never eat a Jack?
00:28:51No, not unless my microwave is thrown.
00:28:56Not unless I'm feeling suicidal.
00:28:58What?
00:28:59We all know this.
00:29:00Fast food is not the greatest thing in the world for us.
00:29:04But there are just times when it's convenient.
00:29:07You guys look in pretty good shape.
00:29:09You guys...
00:29:09You get a lot of exercise?
00:29:11Do I get a lot of exercise?
00:29:13Ah!
00:29:13Yeah!
00:29:15I do!
00:29:17But listen, it should not be a part of your everyday diet.
00:29:22Hell yeah, I'll be coming over to your house like Batman.
00:29:24Man, he don't even live without Robin.
00:29:27No!
00:29:29It's easy.
00:29:31You know, you just don't have the time to go and get a proper meal.
00:29:35So, it works.
00:29:38That's what I'm talking about.
00:29:39I was running my shit off.
00:29:40Yeah, it's...
00:29:42What's the grossest thing you've ever found in Jack's food?
00:29:45One time you found a roach.
00:29:48Roach?
00:29:49Yeah.
00:29:50What did you do with it?
00:29:52Yeah, it's okay.
00:29:52Yeah, these are the first chicken chunks I've had on this sick adventure.
00:30:09I can almost hear them cluck.
00:30:15Whoa.
00:30:17I don't know what chunk of the chicken this came off of.
00:30:21I think it's the...
00:30:23The pecker.
00:30:28Mmm.
00:30:31These must be the nuggets.
00:30:36Mmm.
00:30:38Yowza.
00:30:39Did you know that chicken's the only animal you eat before it's born and after it's dead?
00:30:45So, exactly what's in Jack's trapeze chicken chunks?
00:30:50I have an assortment of goodies in here, actually.
00:30:53You got your lips, your eyelids, your belly buttons, ear lobes, and assholes.
00:30:57Oh, and an occasional foreskin.
00:31:01What?
00:31:07Hello?
00:31:11Hello?
00:31:12At Jack's, along with horrible food, usually comes horrible service.
00:31:16Case in point.
00:31:19Now, what the fuck do you want?
00:31:21Trying to order some food.
00:31:22You want a corn dog, bitch?
00:31:24As a matter of fact...
00:31:25We're close.
00:31:26Get the fuck out of here, man.
00:31:28You guys are fags.
00:31:29Jack me!
00:31:31Jack me!
00:31:33Jack me!
00:31:35Jack me!
00:31:37Jack me!
00:31:39Jack me!
00:31:41Jack me!
00:31:43Jack me!
00:31:49Cool.
00:31:51Jacks.
00:31:53Yeah, I guess one of the
00:31:55negative
00:31:57side effects of this whole experiment
00:31:59was one night
00:32:01I came home and I was a little hopped up
00:32:03from a few
00:32:05burgers and
00:32:07experienced a violent episode
00:32:09of roid rage.
00:32:11Well, unfortunately I took it out on the
00:32:13misses here.
00:32:15Jack me!
00:32:17Jack me!
00:32:19Jack me!
00:32:21Jack me!
00:32:23Jack me!
00:32:25Jack me!
00:32:27Jack me!
00:32:29Jack me!
00:32:31Jack me!
00:32:33Jack me!
00:32:35Jack me!
00:32:37Now listen, I know he's there.
00:32:39Put Jack on the phone.
00:32:41The public deserves to know the truth.
00:32:43Damn.
00:32:45You know the spot that I rock rocks
00:32:49And every track that I got
00:32:51As soon as you hit the beat drop
00:32:53Turn the shit up loud
00:32:55Cause we...
00:32:57What you want?
00:32:59Yeah, I'll have the dancing bear burger meal
00:33:01And Jack me!
00:33:03What?
00:33:05Fuck you, man.
00:33:07Yeah, whatever.
00:33:09Listen here, you minimum wage making piece of shit.
00:33:11Come on up to the window and I'll jack you up.
00:33:13That's it.
00:33:15Someone's getting jacked here.
00:33:17It's not gonna be me.
00:33:19I'll have the spot that I rock rock
00:33:21Quit pulling my chain, man.
00:33:35Do you know what a hormone is?
00:33:37Yeah, it's like you have too much cholesterol.
00:33:41He's full of hormones.
00:33:43Supposedly, blows up the meat.
00:33:45That's like you can make more sex.
00:33:47Makes you make more sex.
00:33:49It's chemical released by the brain
00:33:51To help the body do things.
00:33:53Isn't that something your mama does?
00:33:55With the...
00:33:57Marshmallow break dance.
00:33:59Wait a minute.
00:34:00Did he say marshmallow break dance?
00:34:03With the...
00:34:04Marshmallow break dance.
00:34:06Marshmallow Pepsi break dance.
00:34:08It turns into food.
00:34:10To the general public, hormones are pretty much a mystery.
00:34:14Hormones are molecules that act as signals from one type of cell to another.
00:34:20When hormones are increased at such a fast rate as with Jack's food, this leads to gynecomastia.
00:34:26Which means overly developmental lobules and stroma enlargement.
00:34:31Basically, it gives you titties.
00:34:34Something I haven't shared with everyone...
00:34:36Is...
00:34:38The last couple days...
00:34:40I started developing breasts.
00:34:42Um...
00:34:44Up here.
00:34:46So, um...
00:34:48It started as this pressure...
00:34:55On my chest.
00:35:05And, uh...
00:35:06Things just grew out of nowhere.
00:35:08out of nowhere. But this morning, I looked in the mirror, we can guess what I did. That's
00:35:18right, I put milk in my coffee. You know, I saw a boy yesterday, seven years old, with
00:35:25a rack made Pam Anderson look flatter in a TV dinner. I feel a little heavier. No offense,
00:35:31but you're no Karen Carpenter to begin with. Wow! What, did I gain a lot? I don't know,
00:35:39did you see the ass on that intern there? Damn, she's fine. Come on, Doc, how much did I
00:35:45gain? Whoa, about ten pounds, you better slow down, kid. You may want to invest in a training
00:35:57brawl. It's the Orca Show! Welcome back, everyone. We're here with Moron Spermlick,
00:36:06a filmmaker. Well, actually, it's video. Whatever, White Britt. So, I hear you on a 30-day diet
00:36:14of Jack's food. So, how you doing health-wise? Not bad for a man with honkers. Damn, Conway
00:36:21Titty. Those real? Oh, yeah. And this is just after a few days of eating Jack's hormone
00:36:27filled food. So, what's next? You gonna keep going? Whole 30 days? Shut up, bitch. I'm talking
00:36:37here. Well, if I live through the rest of this month, I'm thinking about doing a whole series
00:36:43of 30-day stunts. Tired. Dude, that's played out. One Trick Ponies only work in bestiality
00:36:51films. Take me, for instance. This show has something new every time. Keep it new. Keep
00:36:57it new. Well, I mean, I'm gonna change it up every month. How? Well, next month, I'm gonna
00:37:03punk for speed at truck stops for 30 days. Okay. Then I'm gonna embark on a 30-day diet of
00:37:10Gila Monster semen. We get it. Then it's 30 days of dry-humping lawn furniture. Okay, we get it.
00:37:15Followed by 30 days of huffing dirty laundry in a trailer park. Thank you, everybody, for
00:37:19tuning in. We'll see you same time tomorrow. Oh, God. How can she stand here? Listen, everyone,
00:37:26please, cut the commercial. Cut, cut. You're stupid. Don't you ever hear a woman on my show?
00:37:31Yeah, let me get two Big Top Tacos, the three-ring onions, and a suicide soda.
00:37:37Oh, God. I don't know, man. It's like nobody understands me, and I feel so depressed.
00:37:53Oh, shit. I think it's PMS.
00:38:07I don't know, man. I'm getting pretty bored with this menu. Tonight, I got to clown around
00:38:18corndog combo and a gallon of caramel apple soda. I got the cramps, too. Sorry if I'm a little
00:38:30bitchy after tomorrow.
00:38:37Let's go.
00:39:00BAM!
00:39:30Jack, Jack, we got a real problem.
00:39:59Ronald's cutting into our profits big time.
00:40:02We got to do something about it.
00:40:07No, honey, I told you I'm leaving the office.
00:40:10I'll work my nose off today.
00:40:15Hooray, McPurtface!
00:40:17You took my business, Ronnie!
00:40:19Now I'm going to take your life!
00:40:21Hey, hey, let's talk about this, clown to clown.
00:40:24All right, then.
00:40:28Die, pussy!
00:40:44Jack's even supplies our local schools with his garbage food and many prisons as well.
00:40:50In a recent prison poll, we discovered that most prison riots erupted after the consumption
00:40:57of Jack's shit-filled food.
00:41:03With Jack's formulated market strategies, the kids today don't stand a chance.
00:41:08Hey there, kids.
00:41:09I'm going to show you some pictures of some people and you try to guess who they are.
00:41:15Okay?
00:41:16Okay.
00:41:17Here's the first one.
00:41:19Yeah.
00:41:20George Washington.
00:41:21I don't know.
00:41:23I don't know.
00:41:24Who might this be?
00:41:26I don't know.
00:41:27George W. Bush.
00:41:28All right.
00:41:29Are you gay?
00:41:30Do you like pitching or catching?
00:41:34And this one?
00:41:36I don't know who that is.
00:41:38Oh, that's one, Jeremy.
00:41:40Very good.
00:41:41And how about this guy?
00:41:43Jack.
00:41:44That's easy.
00:41:45That's Jack.
00:41:46Very good.
00:41:47Hey, do you have any booze?
00:41:49Really, man.
00:41:50So, obviously, these kids know Jack.
00:41:53And Ron Jeremy.
00:42:10So, have you ever eaten at Jack's?
00:42:12Dude, only when I'm broke.
00:42:13But that ain't been lately.
00:42:15Any advice on staying slim?
00:42:17Hell yeah.
00:42:18Like a fat ass and ride a bike or something, dude.
00:42:21I mean, you gotta handle your scandal.
00:42:28Um, so have you ever tried Jack's Big Tump Burger?
00:42:32Yeah.
00:42:33Once.
00:42:35How was it?
00:42:37You kidding me?
00:42:38That shit was tougher than Lance Armstrong's scrotum.
00:42:41Hmm.
00:42:42I'll try that one.
00:42:44Whatever it is.
00:42:48Kids across the nation are being emotionally and physically terrorized by eating this trash.
00:43:06And we're not gonna take it anymore.
00:43:08Jack, you better watch your greasy ass.
00:43:11They have some cool toys.
00:43:12Jack's is famous for toddler branded toys.
00:43:15The dolls.
00:43:16The games.
00:43:17There's Jack Gammon.
00:43:18Jackopoly.
00:43:19And his latest video game.
00:43:20Jumping Jacks.
00:43:21So, my little Martha comes home the other day with this kid's meal doll.
00:43:26And she's playing with it.
00:43:27And everything's going really well.
00:43:28And then she starts to undress it like kids do.
00:43:30And, oh my god, that just isn't right.
00:43:31What are they doing over there?
00:43:32This onslaught of marketing is aimed at grooming the new bottles to serve Jack for life.
00:43:49Jack.
00:43:50Jack.
00:43:51Well, time for your first blood test.
00:43:54You nervous?
00:43:55Not even.
00:43:57Shit.
00:43:58I got more blood in my stool now than a poodle has pumping through its veins.
00:44:03Jack wasn't always a total asshole.
00:44:13But I do remember the day he snapped.
00:44:17Like it was yesterday.
00:44:19Daddy, can I go to the store?
00:44:24Sure, kids.
00:44:26Just be careful.
00:44:28Crossing the street.
00:44:29playing rock
00:44:49Aspen.
00:44:54Those poor little shits.
00:44:57What's going on in here? Are you giving away my secrets again?
00:45:01Jack, honey, relax.
00:45:04Will you relax, you old hunker?
00:45:13Jack has even penetrated our school system.
00:45:16What's the grossest thing you ever found in your food here?
00:45:28Um, pears, that's all.
00:45:32An ear. A human ear.
00:45:34I ate it, I was hungry.
00:45:36Maybe there's spit every once in a while.
00:45:39That maggot here, that was pretty bad.
00:45:40There's like bone and blood and stuff.
00:45:42How about the dead hamster, I think.
00:45:43I think we shouldn't beat around the dead hamster.
00:45:46Well, one morning I woke up in bed and there was a pool of chili under me and...
00:45:51Well, it might not have been chili, but...
00:45:54Uh, this is pretty much the worst piece of shit that I've ever had.
00:46:00Have you, um, experienced any, uh, psychological trauma from, uh, eating the food here?
00:46:07Yeah, at night I just lay awake and I just can't stop thinking about my impending death.
00:46:13I have been sexually harassed, Ajax.
00:46:15A man, uh, came at me with a fry in a sexual manner.
00:46:18Have you ever met Jack?
00:46:20Yeah.
00:46:21He gave me an autograph.
00:46:22Yeah?
00:46:23On my last night.
00:46:24I mean, how can you shovel this shit down these teenagers' necks?
00:46:34Yeah.
00:46:35Well, it's pretty easy.
00:46:36Give us money and we feed them.
00:46:38But look, she's got two big top tacos, cotton candy, and a sideshow soda?
00:46:46I mean, this is outrageous!
00:46:48Yeah, and you know what else is outrageous?
00:46:50What's that?
00:46:51Your titties are better than hers!
00:46:53Now I'm not answering any more questions.
00:46:55Talk to Don Comisano.
00:46:57These are union food records.
00:46:58We feed all the schools in the neighborhood and most of the prisons in the state, too.
00:47:11Come on, let's take a walk.
00:47:13Hey, what's this in here?
00:47:17Uh, that's not...
00:47:18Oh my God, is that...
00:47:19That's sugar, isn't it?
00:47:21What?
00:47:22Hey, get out of here, huh?
00:47:23Can a guy get a little privacy around here?
00:47:25That ain't sugar.
00:47:29We've got some good shit here, man.
00:47:31Oh yeah?
00:47:32Was this stuff frozen?
00:47:33Of course.
00:47:34How do you think we'd keep it fresh?
00:47:36So, can I see your freezer?
00:47:38Of course you can.
00:47:39Let's go.
00:47:43Okay, this is where the really good stuff for these little shitheads are.
00:47:49This is the corn chips and, you know, tortillas, all that white flour stuff that they love.
00:47:56Okay?
00:47:57Now over here we've got the basic sweets.
00:48:01White sugar, which is really, really good for them.
00:48:04It messes with the teachers because it messes with their attention span.
00:48:09And over here we have Jack's frozen hot wings.
00:48:11I think he calls them his high wire hot wings or some shit like that.
00:48:15And...
00:48:16Oh shit!
00:48:17Get that camera out of here!
00:48:18Get it out of here!
00:48:19Louie!
00:48:20Wait!
00:48:21Come on man, this ain't funny!
00:48:22Louie!
00:48:23Wake up!
00:48:24Oh shit!
00:48:25Come on man, this ain't funny!
00:48:31Jack's no good.
00:48:32Last time I eat there, my stomach feel like Bruce Lee punchy.
00:48:39I feel I eat that bad poodle there.
00:48:43Come on man, this is a guy!
00:48:45Jack!
00:48:46Don't eat food!
00:48:48You'll eat people!
00:48:49Jack is no good!
00:48:51Jack is no good!
00:48:52While I eat so much, we'll eat our breakfast.
00:48:53All point in the fridge on the fridge.
00:48:59Oh, let's see.
00:49:00Ah!
00:49:02A tasty local dish.
00:49:04Yeah, give me the uh kung fu combo.
00:49:08Yeahhh!
00:49:09We're all out of it.
00:49:10Can you order something else….
00:49:11Mmm, oh shit man, that's the one I really like.
00:49:14Don't you understand how I ran out of it?
00:49:17I told you ordered something else, bitch.
00:49:19Do you have anything that's like that, similar?
00:49:24Get the hell out of there, fuckface!
00:49:36And it seems that even the teachers and phys ed instructors
00:49:40are poisoned by the Jack Plague.
00:49:42So, do you think our kids are getting enough exercise
00:49:45in our schoolyards these days?
00:49:47Oh, yeah.
00:49:48Over here we got the boys' basketball.
00:49:53And over here we got the girls' soccer.
00:49:56Damn, I like to bend that like Beckham.
00:49:59Do you like the food served here at school?
00:50:01Yeah, it's pretty good.
00:50:02It's good.
00:50:03What's your favorite thing to eat here?
00:50:05It's a crazy clown kids' meal.
00:50:07Yeah, it's great.
00:50:08We don't even have to go to Jack's anymore.
00:50:10Exactly.
00:50:11The food comes to us.
00:50:12Right here in the cafeteria.
00:50:13It's sweet.
00:50:15Come on now.
00:50:16You know these kids are getting jacked.
00:50:18Just look at them.
00:50:19Cooper, pass your goddamn ball, you little ball hog.
00:50:23He's a hog, alright.
00:50:24Coach, fast food is killing these innocent kids.
00:50:28This is a Mr. Movie Guy, whoever you think you are.
00:50:30These are good kids.
00:50:31The last thing we need is some wannabe biker fag coming around here and screwing things up.
00:50:37And you smoke?
00:50:39Oh, yeah.
00:50:40A lot?
00:50:41Yeah, I go through maybe two, three liners a day.
00:50:44Hey, close kids.
00:50:47Slow kids?
00:50:48The coach gets angry too much at us.
00:50:52Yeah, we don't really like him.
00:50:54He's a loser.
00:50:55I hate him.
00:50:56Anderson, put that hustler down and give me 20.
00:50:58I don't think that kid can do push-ups right now.
00:51:01Listen, this isn't healthy.
00:51:02What are you talking about, this isn't healthy?
00:51:05These kids are okay, you butt lick.
00:51:08O to the K.
00:51:10So why don't you take your handlebar mustache and ride it back to Frisco, you big homo.
00:51:23Whoa.
00:51:25Hey, time's up.
00:51:26Get your fat asses inside.
00:51:28I want pizza!
00:51:35I want pizza!
00:51:37I want pizza!
00:51:38You want pizza!
00:51:39You want pizza!
00:51:40Go eat some pizza!
00:51:42You want pizza!
00:51:45You want pizza!
00:51:47Does the public even realize what's in a sack of Jack's?
00:51:50I mean, we know that Jack targets the kids, but what about us, the adults?
00:51:55So I went in search of a nutritional fact sheet at Jack's.
00:51:58Hey, can I get a Jack's fact sheet?
00:52:00You can throw up.
00:52:05Do you have a Jack's fact sheet?
00:52:07A who?
00:52:08Nutritional information sheet.
00:52:10Oh, I didn't know we don't.
00:52:12Does your food have hormones in it?
00:52:14I probably, look what happened to you.
00:52:17Hi, can I get a nutrition sheet?
00:52:20What you want to know?
00:52:21I want to know what's in Jack's food.
00:52:23Shit.
00:52:25Toll-nail cut-downs, roaches, all kinds of nasty-ass shit.
00:52:30Well, you can see that Jack likes to hide the facts.
00:52:33I couldn't find one lousy nutrition sheet anywhere.
00:52:36So many calories!
00:52:37I'm fried in this!
00:52:39This is where the calories go!
00:52:41So, in summation, as you can see from the chart,
00:52:44your company's profits have been in a sharp decline much of the past year,
00:52:47except for a very small spike here.
00:52:49What happened there?
00:52:51Well, that's when your rival, Ronald McDoodle, was found dead lying in the pavement.
00:52:55Now listen, the point is this.
00:52:57Jack's is very image-challenged.
00:53:00But that is why I'm here.
00:53:01I'm going to help Jack's evoke a new, public-friendly image.
00:53:05Listen, sugar-ass!
00:53:07I find the last blood light to try to fix my image!
00:53:11Jack, wake up and smell the poon tang.
00:53:14Bad press is murder in this business.
00:53:16Why, just the other night, I saw some drop-out film school fag on the Orca show
00:53:21talking about how bad your food was for people to eat.
00:53:24I don't watch that shitty show!
00:53:26What you need is damage control.
00:53:28B.S.
00:53:29What we need is a new sandwich.
00:53:31Jack, you care to do the honors?
00:53:33Have a seat, Sally!
00:53:34It's Sheila.
00:53:35Oh, whatever.
00:53:37Are you ready out there, Roxy?
00:53:39Introducing the new Jack Rabbit Burger!
00:53:45Rabbit meat?
00:53:49Are you serious?
00:53:51It's lean.
00:53:52It's abundant.
00:53:53It's cheap!
00:53:54No way, you guys.
00:53:55The public will freak.
00:53:57Listen, Shirley.
00:53:58It's Sheila.
00:53:59Whatever.
00:54:00Whatever.
00:54:01She hasn't even heard the slogan yet.
00:54:05Alright, well, let's hear it.
00:54:07The new Jack Rabbit Burger.
00:54:09This time you'll be glad the rabbit died.
00:54:12Yes!
00:54:14And this is your solution?
00:54:16Pumping toxic hormones into little bunny burgers?
00:54:20I'd rather be pumping that bunny.
00:54:23That could be arranged!
00:54:24And you got an awful big bush trying to come in here and turn our business sideways.
00:54:30No shit!
00:54:31Speaking of bush, I'd like to sink my teeth into that pelt.
00:54:35Yeah.
00:54:36Done!
00:54:37For your information, boys, I happen to have a degree in marketing and advertising.
00:54:42I can't believe it.
00:54:44What, that I have a degree?
00:54:46No, but you're still here.
00:54:48Listen, dammit.
00:54:50Give us the meeting alone here, Roxy!
00:54:51And leave the burger!
00:54:52I want Miss Fang here to take a bite!
00:54:53Hey, now come on!
00:54:54Show us those bunny breaths!
00:54:57Kapow!
00:54:58High five!
00:54:59That is it!
00:55:00I've had enough with both of you!
00:55:02Oh, chill, Cheryl!
00:55:03For the last time, it's Sheila!
00:55:04Dick breath!
00:55:05And I've got the floor now.
00:55:09As for you, you big, ball-headed, egotistical, or should I say testicle, sad excuse for a circus clown!
00:55:15Go ahead and run your company to the ground, see if I care!
00:55:16The worst that's gonna happen is people might actually live a little bit longer!
00:55:17I must have been smoking crack to think I could work with a couple of shit-licks like you!
00:55:18Now, wait a minute!
00:55:19We were just, uh, razzin' you a little!
00:55:20Oh!
00:55:21Oh!
00:55:22Oh!
00:55:23Oh!
00:55:24Oh!
00:55:25Oh!
00:55:26Oh!
00:55:27Oh!
00:55:28Oh!
00:55:29Oh!
00:55:30Oh!
00:55:31Oh!
00:55:32Oh!
00:55:33Oh!
00:55:34Oh!
00:55:35Oh!
00:55:36Oh!
00:55:37Oh!
00:55:38Oh!
00:55:39Oh!
00:55:40Oh!
00:55:41Oh!
00:55:42Oh!
00:55:43Oh!
00:55:44Oh!
00:55:45Oh!
00:55:47Oh!
00:55:48Oh!
00:55:49Oh!
00:55:50Oh!
00:55:51Oh!
00:55:52Oh!
00:55:53We'll wake me up today!
00:55:54We'll wake me up here!
00:55:55Hug me up!
00:55:56Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:55:57Um-hm...
00:55:58l работуываютound.
00:55:59True in the dead an Avatar Blocking business!
00:56:02Canva trained!
00:56:03OK.
00:56:04Can you repeat the-uh!
00:56:05Bumper tarp bacon biscuit!
00:56:06And the�-tael potatkins!
00:56:08pulses дв lingu buns!
00:56:11No!
00:56:12Slow!
00:56:13Sniffle
00:56:15The last time I saw this much trash was at my family reunion.
00:56:24Up yours! I'm not quitting now!
00:56:29Yeah, I know it's only 8 in the morning, so I'm drinking a goddamn beer! Get over it!
00:56:45I don't know, man. I don't know if it's worth it. My body's a wreck. Then I got my first period.
00:56:59That was a nightmare. What the hell have I done?
00:57:09So, you've been really down in the dumps, huh?
00:57:13Oh. Yeah.
00:57:16Well, if it's any consolation, I must say that your jugs look fabulous.
00:57:22Thanks, that's a push-up bra.
00:57:25I have a chart here. I'm afraid the results aren't good.
00:57:31Moron, do you want to end up a big fat bloated pig with a hog's face and an elephant's ass?
00:57:37Oh, hey, honey. I was just talking about you. One second. It's my wife.
00:57:47And there's only one item on Jack's menu that doesn't contain sugar or hormones.
00:57:51It's the water. Jack's secret circus water.
00:57:59Some Jack's restaurants offer salads to appease the critics.
00:58:03But the roughage is genetically modified and about as appetizing as, well, you get it.
00:58:08How about up there? I'm feeling a little bloated.
00:58:14You look radiant. Get up there.
00:58:20See, it's only two pounds. And I bet you that's all booby.
00:58:23Hey, aren't you going to buy me dinner first?
00:58:37Man, this stuff's like crack.
00:58:40I was feeling horrible.
00:58:42But once I got some Jack's in me, I was feeling alive again.
00:58:46Oh, honey. Give me a beer.
00:59:02Hey, get out of here, man. I'm trying to back one out.
00:59:07Oh, mommy. I'm so scared.
00:59:10Sing me that little song you used to sing me when I was five.
00:59:13Oh, you big fat pussy. Suck it up.
00:59:16The next thing you're going to tell me is you're growing tits.
00:59:34As you can see, I now crave Jack's food all the time.
00:59:38In fact, I've been having strange cravings a lot lately.
00:59:41I hope that weirdo I met behind the homeless shelter didn't knock me up.
00:59:46Not to mention, I've gained quite a few pounds and sprouted some decent melons.
00:59:51And in my favorite part of the day, laying around, eating Jack's, watching my tits grow.
01:00:02Thank you for tuning in this week's dumb day.
01:00:05Good time.
01:00:07In ghetto situations.
01:00:08So we enlisted a couple of nutritionists to call Jack's headquarters and see if they could recommend any healthy items off their menu.
01:00:16So how often do you recommend eating at Jack's?
01:00:20That depends. How long do you want to live?
01:00:23And what's the healthiest item I can eat at a Jack's restaurant?
01:00:27Probably the napkins.
01:00:31But how could I have a tumor? I've only had them for a couple of weeks.
01:00:34I keep trying to tell you it's Jack's crappy food.
01:00:39The man your age should be having a vasectomy, not a mastectomy.
01:00:43So you want to hear the good news?
01:00:45Sure.
01:00:47We only have to remove one.
01:00:49Oh, great. So now I'm going to be running around town with just one tit swinging?
01:00:53Moron, don't worry. It's a fairly simple procedure that I've performed on at least half a dozen farm animals.
01:00:59Come on, don't be a pussy.
01:01:04Jack B!
01:01:07Jack B!
01:01:09Jack B!
01:01:12Jack B!
01:01:15Jack B!
01:01:17Jack B!
01:01:19Yeah, I was just getting attached to that thing.
01:01:30Jack B!
01:01:38Oh man.
01:01:40I'm having hot flashes.
01:01:43I just soiled the bed.
01:01:45It's like two in the morning.
01:01:48Oh boy.
01:01:50Bandages need changing.
01:01:53I think I've finally hit rock bottom.
01:01:59I just need a cheeseburger.
01:02:27Screw your life up!
01:02:28Your body officially hates you!
01:02:30Stop this before you die!
01:02:34Gina, get your big butt in here and get me some coffee.
01:02:41Yeah, I'm really scared.
01:02:43I can't remember ever feeling this bad.
01:02:45Except that time you wanted to experiment.
01:02:48And that vibrator knocked out all my teeth.
01:02:51Thanks, honey. I love you too.
01:02:54Alright, goodbye.
01:02:56Years ago, I took an oath to look out for the best interest of my patients.
01:03:12You know, I've been asking myself if I am indeed doing that.
01:03:18See, Moron doesn't have any friends.
01:03:22Except for maybe his old gutter-slut mother.
01:03:26And she's been in and out of jail throughout most of his pathetic life.
01:03:32Now she's in a mental rehab facility out in Claremont.
01:03:38And I think this whole experiment is a result of many years of pain and neglect.
01:03:54huh?
01:03:58Poor moron.
01:04:00Those who risk everything usually don't have much to live for.
01:04:06as soon as i got out of san quentin the very first bus stop was right here so i got out and took a
01:04:30crap right there so i came over to the counter and experienced my very first big top burger
01:04:38last year i ate 2148 burgers i think i hold the world's record you ever run out of money and get
01:04:46a big top jones da hell no one trip to the men's room i can make 20 bucks same room i crapped in
01:04:53ten years ago call it fate wow big top burger number 20 000. thanks a lot don hey you want to make it
01:05:16quick 20 bucks my artwork is all about jack he fascinates me i spent hours on this masterpiece
01:05:32nice this is me and this is jack holding a sword he has me chained up so that i'll eat all the crumbs
01:05:43off his dirty floor very nice this one jack is bitch slapping me to kingdom come because i spilled
01:05:54a jar of scalding hot mayonnaise all over his lap cool cool oh shit this one's not finished yet
01:06:04put jack on the phone i said sorry pal you went bowling well you told him the jig is up screw you
01:06:16screw you too i mean this is hard for me to me to do i mean people people need to know about jacks
01:06:23they need to know the truth see back in college we used to eat jacks all the time
01:06:29who knew who knew well i gotta go it's time for my self-breast exam i do one every hour
01:06:37you know you can never be too careful yeah we traced the calls back to his trailer
01:06:42no shit
01:06:45hey moron whoa you're fucking up the wrong bush queer bait easy jack what are you talking about
01:06:58the tv shows the phone calls that wasn't me i don't even know your number well i got yours punk
01:07:04and if i got one more report of you snooping around i'll make panties out of your ass
01:07:10actually he is one of our better dancers
01:07:38i'm crazy for jack
01:07:54i'm crazy for jack
01:08:06jack rules do you know where jack's headquarters is no he's always in an office in his commercials
01:08:18i don't know where it is this is san diego i don't know where it is
01:08:21yeah up the road hang a left follow the trail of dead animals
01:08:26so now we have what are called jack heads these people that'll do just about anything to wolf down
01:08:34that next bite i mean just the other week i heard of these kids in iowa that stabbed a jack's employee
01:08:39in the neck with a sharpened corndog stick jack attacks not a pretty sight jack heads are popping up everywhere these days it's pretty scary and no one really knows the long-term effects of jack's food when these hormones saturate our brain functions they confuse the neurotransmitters causing severe mental derangement mood swings and anxiety in other words it'll make you crazier than a cross-eyed crack whore
01:09:07yeah i was strung out on jacks for years
01:09:25i still think about all the people i hurt when i was high on jacks my friends my old ladies
01:09:31i fractured my grandma's skull with a chain off a minibike for crying out loud
01:09:38well actually she kind of deserves it she took some of my fries without asking
01:09:45listen to me
01:09:52listen to me now you listen to me now you listen to me now you listen to me i'm there with you
01:09:57every day it's the same thing you get up you wash your ass
01:10:01you're a stupid
01:10:03company gave me a restraining order to stay off that property see but i know where in this time
01:10:09my daddy jack's a deadbeat he says i'm not his i'm not his
01:10:13so why do i look just like him huh huh
01:10:18my favorite song is pastor i'll muppet because it's a little bit like this
01:10:32and i'm ready to run
01:10:46Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:10:51Come on, sit up.
01:10:51Put the hell up and get it.
01:10:58What the hell?
01:11:05I'm here to speak to Jack.
01:11:06Sorry, I can't help you.
01:11:08Come on, you sure you can't let me see him?
01:11:10No, all right, nothing I can do.
01:11:12You sure about that?
01:11:13Yeah, sorry, I can't help you.
01:11:14You need to get out of here.
01:11:15You sure there isn't something I can do?
01:11:17Nothing that comes to mind.
01:11:18Yeah.
01:11:28I've finally done it.
01:11:29I got past security.
01:11:39Where's Jack?
01:11:40Let me call you right back.
01:11:42Who the hell are you?
01:11:44I'm your company's worst fear.
01:11:47The FDA?
01:11:49No, I'm making a movie about the damage that your company does to America.
01:11:53So what do you want to know?
01:11:55Let's start with the simple questions first.
01:11:58Okay.
01:11:59How would you describe Jack's food?
01:12:04Bowel packing?
01:12:06I have something I want to show you.
01:12:07Hey, hey, hey, I'm married.
01:12:10Holy cyclops, kid.
01:12:12What do you have to say about this?
01:12:15Where do you shop for bras?
01:12:17This is from the hormones in your fat-ridden food.
01:12:21Hogwash!
01:12:22Fat-ridden?
01:12:23We have a lot of low-calorie items on our menu.
01:12:26Do you even know what a calorie is?
01:12:28A calorie?
01:12:29Um, yeah, a calorie.
01:12:32Starts with a C and S.
01:12:35Calorie.
01:12:36Gladys, find out what a calorie is.
01:12:39So, how did such an imbecile get a job like this?
01:12:44Well, Time Sanitation Department really wasn't hiring.
01:12:49Well, it's no secret.
01:12:50You used to work for your competitors, McDoodles.
01:12:55Well, okay, okay, you got me.
01:12:58They let me go, but it could have happened to anybody.
01:13:02Why?
01:13:03Money laundering, fraud, embezzlement, sexual harassment.
01:13:07They dropped that one.
01:13:10I gotta go.
01:13:12Well, if you're waiting on the food channel, they're not coming.
01:13:15Our food is an icon of health.
01:13:18Come in, come in.
01:13:20Just a second.
01:13:22Sorry, Mr. Singer.
01:13:23We finished making patties.
01:13:25Our hands are kidding us.
01:13:26Can we take a break?
01:13:28Okay, take 20 minutes, but put down 30.
01:13:32All right.
01:13:33Okay.
01:13:35Do you guys know what a calorie is?
01:13:37No.
01:13:38No.
01:13:39Huh.
01:13:40Okay.
01:13:41You can go.
01:13:44It's a miracle these guys are even alive.
01:13:47It's a miracle they even speak English.
01:13:50Did you know Jack hires illegal aliens?
01:13:53No, come here.
01:13:54Hey, come back here.
01:13:56Come here.
01:13:56I mean, how do you sleep at night?
01:13:58Usually in the nude.
01:14:01I gotta go.
01:14:02I have an appointment.
01:14:03So, pack your shit and bounce.
01:14:06Punky.
01:14:14Why do you think there's no fast food joints in Beverly Hills?
01:14:17Because I think people in Beverly Hills are really snotty, and they wouldn't go to a fast food.
01:14:22They could afford something more expensive, and so that's probably where they go.
01:14:25Man, they ain't got no jack shacks in the 2-1-0.
01:14:29They don't even feed that shit to their pets.
01:14:32Just one more day to go.
01:14:41As I reflect back on my experience, I just wonder, was it all worth it?
01:14:49Come on, morons.
01:15:04One more day to go.
01:15:06Let's see how much you gain.
01:15:08Well, that completes your order, or would you like something else today, sir?
01:15:24Well, that completes your order, or would you like something else today, sir?
01:15:34Yeah, and a sideshow salad.
01:15:37Hey, motherfucker, give me some change.
01:15:39Oh, yeah, hold on.
01:15:40Um, I want a second to give you some change, Beckerwood.
01:15:42One second.
01:15:43Yeah, jack me.
01:15:44Hey, one-titty motherfucker, I'm gonna jack you right now.
01:15:47Jack me!
01:15:49Jack me!
01:15:52Jack me!
01:15:55Jack me!
01:15:57Jack me!
01:16:00Jack me!
01:16:03Fuck this.
01:16:06Come on, Jack, it's time to take this guy out.
01:16:08What's the problem?
01:16:09Problem is, he's my best customer.
01:16:11Jack, let me handle it.
01:16:14I got this dick!
01:16:15Oh, wait a minute, that sounds a little weird!
01:16:19I know what you mean.
01:16:31Well, this is it, the final test.
01:16:35Over the course of 30 days, I gained 28 pounds,
01:16:39puked my guts out,
01:16:40grew knockers,
01:16:42had one removed,
01:16:43shit a river of jack juice,
01:16:46fashioned a diaper,
01:16:48got my ass kicked and carjacked,
01:16:50only one more meal to go.
01:16:52Hey, I'll fit it.
01:17:17Hey, what's wrong with you, boy?
01:17:27Fuck, you look like you're having a bad life.
01:17:29I guess so.
01:17:31What do you mean you guess, uh, hey,
01:17:32how would you feel about getting naked and watching Chuck Norris movies?
01:17:35Huh?
01:17:36Dad?
01:17:37Huh?
01:17:39I can know you anyway.
01:17:40Get your ass back in here, boy.
01:17:46I need to talk to you.
01:17:51Oh, look.
01:17:54Where is that gildo?
01:18:18Say goodbye moron!
01:18:24What happened to him man?
01:18:36Hey look it's Jack!
01:18:40Hey what happened?
01:18:42I don't know man, he just keeled over.
01:18:44Oh god, it must have been something that he ate!
01:18:47He almost made it!
01:18:54Just die!
01:18:58Just die!
01:19:02Just die!
01:19:06Just die!
01:19:11Just die!
01:19:19Oh shit, I've forgotten my bible.
01:19:21Does anyone have a bible handy?
01:19:24Come on father, let's get this over with.
01:19:30Really man?
01:19:31I gotta take a crap.
01:19:33Moron was a good man.
01:19:37With lots of friends.
01:19:39Friends.
01:19:40You're right.
01:19:41You're one funny guy doc.
01:19:46Let's blow this graveyard and go get loaded.
01:19:49Oh doctor, you put the fun in funeral.
01:19:53I guess he won't be needing you anymore.
01:20:00I guess he won't be needing you anymore.
01:20:05Good dude, this movement on thelot is reachedbang okay?
01:20:07The
01:20:14The
01:20:15The
01:20:16The
01:20:17The
01:20:18The
01:20:21The
01:20:22Love
01:20:23The
01:20:23The
01:20:24I
01:20:25Mike
01:20:27The
01:20:33Well, that's what I call Jack.
01:20:49Jack B!
01:20:52Jack B!
01:20:55Jack B!
01:20:58Jack B!
01:21:01Jack B!
01:21:03Jack B!
01:21:33Jack B!
01:21:35Jack B!
01:21:37Jack B!
01:21:39Jack B!
01:21:41Jack B!
01:21:42Jack B!
01:21:43Jack B!
01:21:44Jack B!
01:21:45Jack B!
01:21:46Jack B!
01:21:47Jack B!
01:21:51Jack B!
01:21:52Jack B!
01:25:35I'll be right back.
01:25:39He only cares about pork and your mom
01:25:41I'm a kid now, baby
01:25:42Dick
01:25:43He goes out
01:25:45On Friday night
01:25:46He takes off his pants
01:25:48Cause it feels alright
01:25:49Third down
01:25:50At 42-0
01:25:51His two-tug turkey
01:25:53Is ready to go, go, go
01:25:55He's just a turkey
01:25:58A two-tug turkey
01:25:59Gangsta