#ShowMovies
#Clarkson'sFarm
#Clarkson'sFarm
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00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30DRIEST FEBRUARY EVER
00:00:36Wettest marks for 40 years
00:00:38Yeah
00:00:39It didn't rain at all but was cold in May
00:00:45Then it went the hottest June ever
00:00:50Since then it's been
00:00:54The wettest July
00:00:55The wettest July and the coldest
00:00:59Given that the weather had done the exact opposite of what we needed all year long
00:01:07We were praying for an old-fashioned autumn with lots of warm sunshine
00:01:14But no
00:01:16The crucial harvesting month was also refusing to play ball
00:01:21Today's going to be sunny
00:01:23Look at it
00:01:24And now Caleb had killed the crops off to ready them for the combine
00:01:31The clock was ticking
00:01:32The longer they sat in the field too wet to harvest
00:01:40The more they would deteriorate
00:01:43We need under 15
00:01:4618.4
00:01:48Shit
00:01:49We're probably okay at nine
00:01:5318.3
00:01:55It has to be less than nine
00:01:5817.5
00:02:00Bollocks
00:02:01Hiya, have you done a moisture test?
00:02:04Oh, I can feel it's wet already
00:02:0518.6
00:02:07This year's an absolute pig
00:02:08It just won't dry at all
00:02:09What is it?
00:02:1117%
00:02:12I think I've broken a record of how many times I can moisture test a field
00:02:17Moisture test, moisture test, then moisture test again
00:02:23Then do another moisture test
00:02:24Get to the end of the day and go, no, it's not going to go today
00:02:32To add to the pressure
00:02:35Andy Cato was now worried about how well his wild farmed wheat field would perform
00:02:40Morning
00:02:42How are you?
00:02:44Because he feared he'd been too conservative with the nitrogen fertilizer
00:02:49I don't think we've got it quite right here
00:02:52We've ended up using an absolutely minuscule amount of nitrogen in this field
00:02:56About 11 kilos
00:02:57I think on
00:02:59How much have you put on that field over there?
00:03:00No idea
00:03:01A couple of hundred maybe?
00:03:02Caleb knows
00:03:03Yeah
00:03:03So a couple of hundred kilos on that and 11 too
00:03:06I would guess
00:03:06I don't know
00:03:07But I guess it'd be somewhere around there
00:03:08But I think we haven't quite got the balance quite right in this field
00:03:11We've undercooked it a bit
00:03:13It's just a little bit lacking in energy
00:03:15After sitting on our hands for day after frustrating day
00:03:24Conditions did finally start to improve
00:03:28Sounds better
00:03:30And then we've got the water
00:03:31And we've got the water
00:03:32A little bit faster
00:03:33So the water
00:03:34And we've got the water
00:03:34And we've got the water
00:03:35We need under 15%
00:03:3715% now.
00:03:42So, by the time Simon gets here, that will be fit to go.
00:03:46As usual, Charlie had gone on holiday for the harvest.
00:03:50This meant Caleb was fully in charge.
00:03:53So, while we waited for the combine to arrive,
00:03:57he summoned me to his office for what he said was an important meeting.
00:04:07Hey-up.
00:04:09So, this is...
00:04:11Welcome to my office.
00:04:13Well, how long have you had this?
00:04:15Since you made me farm manager.
00:04:17That's months ago.
00:04:19I know.
00:04:20I just cleared a bit of space and...
00:04:22Who's done your interior decoration?
00:04:24Nicky Haslam, is it?
00:04:25No, me.
00:04:27It's a works office.
00:04:30I love your office.
00:04:32It's good.
00:04:33I found this table at the old shed at the back there.
00:04:35As well as this one here is actually just like a trestle with some...
00:04:38Oh, it's electric not the best in here.
00:04:41It's the shittest office I've ever been in.
00:04:44It's not! It's dry.
00:04:45You've got a washing machine, though.
00:04:46Yeah, and a tumble dryer.
00:04:48Anyway, more importantly, Charlie's in the US of A.
00:04:51I know.
00:04:52Yeah.
00:04:53Well, harvest is around the corner, so obviously he's gone away.
00:04:55Exactly, so he's gone away.
00:04:56Yeah.
00:04:57But, as farm manager now,
00:04:58it makes me responsible for the health and safety on this farm.
00:05:00Oh, God.
00:05:01Ten minutes is always going to take.
00:05:02I've got to go through this folder.
00:05:04What is it?
00:05:05You can read it if you want.
00:05:06Read all the risk assessments and stuff like that I've done.
00:05:09Have you done risk assessments?
00:05:10Yeah.
00:05:11I've had to.
00:05:12Because it's on my head.
00:05:13If you injure yourself now, yeah, do you know whose fault it is?
00:05:15Mine.
00:05:16I go to prison.
00:05:17And this vase isn't for prison.
00:05:18The other day we were cutting stone for the...
00:05:20for the car park, yes?
00:05:21Yeah.
00:05:22What happened when you pull up the drive?
00:05:24Oh, the trailer came up.
00:05:26Yeah.
00:05:27That's quite dangerous though, because if there was overhead power...
00:05:29Why is it dangerous?
00:05:30Well, because there was overhead power cables.
00:05:31There aren't overhead power cables.
00:05:32Okay, there isn't any, but if there was and you didn't realise...
00:05:34Well, there isn't.
00:05:35You could have taken them out and killed maybe yourself or somebody else.
00:05:38But there isn't.
00:05:39Do you know the correct way to get out of a tractor if you hit a power cable?
00:05:42No.
00:05:43It's the correct way to get out of a tractor.
00:05:47If you've touched a power cable, yeah, because it was short through your tractor, yes,
00:05:51is to bunny hop.
00:05:52Open the door, top step, and just jump as far as you can away from it.
00:05:56I can't bunny hop.
00:05:57You'll probably break your leg if you jump.
00:05:59My knees are not up to any...
00:06:01I'll sit in it, because the rubber tyres will insulate me.
00:06:04Yeah, but you can't ring me then, because there's no signal.
00:06:06Why not?
00:06:07Because the electricity will knock out your signal.
00:06:10People will miss me after a while.
00:06:12I wouldn't.
00:06:15Anyway, have you got what three words on your phone?
00:06:18Yep.
00:06:19Okay, just in case of an accident, you can tell me what specific three words,
00:06:22and I know where you are.
00:06:23I don't understand what three words.
00:06:25I thought you had to choose the words.
00:06:26No.
00:06:27Because it said, you choose three words for wherever you are,
00:06:30but I thought, well, how do... if I send that to you,
00:06:33how do you know what three words I've chosen?
00:06:37I'm going to warm this one up.
00:06:39I genuinely... I promise.
00:06:41I promise.
00:06:42I promise.
00:06:43I honestly...
00:06:44I've got it on the phone, and it said,
00:06:46whatever, the walnut, walnut, toffee, cat.
00:06:49Yeah, yeah.
00:06:50Well, I don't want those words.
00:06:52Somebody else has chosen them.
00:06:53Yes.
00:06:54Well, I don't like that.
00:06:55I write newspaper columns.
00:06:57Nobody chooses the words for them.
00:06:58I choose the words.
00:07:00Yeah, but the person who wrote this free word programme
00:07:02chose the words for each place.
00:07:04Well, I've got it anyway.
00:07:05Good.
00:07:06Right.
00:07:07At random.
00:07:09No smoking when refuelling?
00:07:11No.
00:07:12I never knew that.
00:07:14I always used to light up when I was filling up the car.
00:07:17Always.
00:07:18Wish you did.
00:07:19A couple of hours later, Caleb met up with Simon and his combine
00:07:29to harvest the oats he'd planted in the fields where the rape had failed.
00:07:34Have you got a walkie-talkie, Simon?
00:07:37Yeah, I've got you.
00:07:40And I suspect he was hoping to get it all done without my help.
00:07:47I think he's hoping I won't find him, but I shall.
00:07:51Then I shall offer my assistance.
00:07:54And he will be happy.
00:07:55Good news!
00:07:56I'm here to help.
00:07:57Oh, no.
00:07:59You can have this trailer.
00:08:00I'll have the other trailer, okay?
00:08:02The trailer Caleb wanted me to use was only half full.
00:08:07So I had to hook it up and then carry on filling it.
00:08:14Genuinely, I still don't know how to hook a trailer up.
00:08:22Up.
00:08:25Go up.
00:08:28Is that right?
00:08:29No.
00:08:30Use your joystick.
00:08:31Unlock it on the little button for the hydraulics.
00:08:34Need the hydraulics?
00:08:36Use that little...
00:08:39Is it locked or not?
00:08:41I don't bloody know.
00:08:42Is it locked on the little button?
00:08:43What?
00:08:46Are we ready?
00:08:48Roll forward a little bit more.
00:08:49What? Backwards?
00:08:50Backwards?
00:08:51You've got to go forward a little tiny bit.
00:08:53Well...
00:08:54How can they refuel a fighter jet in mid-air at 30,000 feet?
00:08:59And yet, somehow, farmers have not yet invented an easier way.
00:09:03I know you roll forward again.
00:09:04I have to roll forwards!
00:09:06Whoa!
00:09:07Shit!
00:09:08Hey!
00:09:10Now we're cooking.
00:09:12Only took fucking three hours.
00:09:14Right, there you go.
00:09:16Do you want to try your hydraulics before we go?
00:09:19How do I try hydraulics?
00:09:20You have to unlock the hydraulics and then use a little joystick.
00:09:22How about unlock the hydraulics?
00:09:23I think.
00:09:28Do you go down?
00:09:30No, no, no, go down!
00:09:31Oh!
00:09:34Oh!
00:09:38Oh, you fucking...
00:09:44I can't...
00:09:46I can't stand him.
00:09:47Give him a shovel and some bags.
00:09:48That's what we used to do with the students.
00:09:50Make them shovel it up again.
00:09:51No!
00:09:52No!
00:09:54Fucking hell.
00:09:55Right.
00:09:56That is up.
00:09:57No!
00:09:58Stop!
00:10:00Ah!
00:10:01Shit.
00:10:02Can we have an agreement?
00:10:04Well, you...
00:10:05From now on, then, you plug it in.
00:10:06When you plug those hoses in,
00:10:08can they always be the same?
00:10:10Yes.
00:10:11That's what I always do.
00:10:12But your tractor's shit, for one.
00:10:13You're incapable of driving it, for two.
00:10:16It's not me.
00:10:17Well, it is.
00:10:18Every time you jump in it, you press the wrong one.
00:10:20That's because every time I get in it,
00:10:23each button does a different thing.
00:10:25You would agree with that?
00:10:26Yeah, because it's a shit tractor.
00:10:29Luckily, my godson was doing work experience on the farm that week.
00:10:34So, he got to experience the joy of shoveling up my spilled oats.
00:10:41Here we go.
00:10:42Coming in.
00:10:44While I headed over to Simon to take the rest of his load.
00:10:48Well, let's not muck it up, Jeremy.
00:10:50Let's not muck it up.
00:10:51Let's not muck it up.
00:11:03He's nervous now.
00:11:04He's all over the place.
00:11:06Go over left a little bit.
00:11:07Go left.
00:11:08Go left.
00:11:10Oh, all of that just went over.
00:11:12Look how much.
00:11:13He just built loads.
00:11:15What?
00:11:16What have I done wrong now?
00:11:18He just built loads and loads over the left-hand side.
00:11:20He was too close.
00:11:22Oh, I don't understand.
00:11:24I don't understand anything.
00:11:25When it was time to take my next load, Simon made a rather humiliating decision.
00:11:37Um, I'm loading my stationery.
00:11:38I know you can see it at home and you're laughing at me, but the important thing is, Caleb's not here to see it.
00:11:52But even though I'd lost whatever harvesting skills I'd once had, we did manage that day to get both fields of oats harvested and in the shed.
00:12:12Eat your heart out, muck Scotland. We can have some muck chipping Norton porridge.
00:12:21However, we couldn't savour the normal joy of harvesting because, once again, the weather reared its ugly head.
00:12:31So now we'll go into the Met Office. They're saying ten o'clock tonight, right?
00:12:35Mine's saying nine o'clock.
00:12:38Have you got this particular app of doom?
00:12:40Is that the Norwegian? Which one's that one?
00:12:43Rain today.
00:12:44Yeah, I've just been looking at BBC Met Office. That Norwegian one's very good.
00:12:48Yeah.
00:12:49They're all saying, now, they're all saying ten o'clock.
00:12:51Ten o'clock?
00:12:52Ten o'clock.
00:12:54Holy shit, look at that.
00:12:55That is coming.
00:12:57It's going to get medieval on our bottoms.
00:13:01With every app saying wind and rain was on the way, Caleb made a late afternoon decision.
00:13:07I think in terms of what we do next is we finish this field off.
00:13:11Yes.
00:13:12Because we're here anyway.
00:13:13The old farm manager.
00:13:14And then we move down to the wild farms.
00:13:16Yeah.
00:13:17Okay, well, that'll keep Andy happy.
00:13:18Yes, and get that done.
00:13:19I think the problem that Andy's worrying about, yeah, our wheat now, yeah, we'll be fine against the weather.
00:13:23It's, you know, it'll take a little bit of battering before it loses the milling quality.
00:13:26Yeah.
00:13:27You mean before you can make it into bread, not cow food.
00:13:31Exactly.
00:13:32Or chicken food.
00:13:33But the problem is I think he's worried about is that that's such an old variety.
00:13:37I think he's worried about it losing the milling quality.
00:13:40Which it might in bad weather.
00:13:42Yes.
00:13:46Andy had predicted that because he'd been too cautious with the fertiliser, his field wouldn't produce a massive yield.
00:13:55And he wasn't wrong.
00:14:00I mean, third of the field, and it's less than half the trailer for me.
00:14:06Well, we're easily going to get this field done.
00:14:08Yeah.
00:14:10It's pretty low, isn't it?
00:14:13Is it worth doing?
00:14:14Yeah.
00:14:15You've just been awkward.
00:14:16You've been awkward all year about somebody stealing your field.
00:14:18Oh, you shouldn't have let someone else drill my field?
00:14:21You're always going to be negative, so I'm not going to listen to you.
00:14:24Because I look after fellow Doncastrians.
00:14:26Doncastrians?
00:14:27That's what we're called.
00:14:28Dear Lord.
00:14:29He's from Donny.
00:14:30I'm from Donny.
00:14:31I bet you're in some sort of cult.
00:14:33Doncastra has given the world Kevin Keegan, Diana Reg, and now we're saving farming.
00:14:41I'm not being horrible, but I have no idea what you're on about.
00:14:45You've never heard of Kevin Keegan?
00:14:46No.
00:14:48Was he a Prime Minister?
00:14:49No, he was a captain footballer.
00:14:51Oh!
00:14:52Ah.
00:15:08Working without a break into the night, we got Andy's wheat in just before the rain came.
00:15:20And the next day, this New Age mix of wheat and beans went off to be milled.
00:15:29This meant we could turn our attention to the problem child, the oilseed rape.
00:15:35Now let's just remind ourselves, there's a saying which says if you haven't got your rape planted by the time of the Morton show, which is a farming show near here, which is early September, don't plant it because you're too late.
00:15:52We didn't get our rape in by the Morton show, we advised Caleb not to plant rape, he went ahead and planted it anyway.
00:15:59Most of it failed.
00:16:01This field didn't fail.
00:16:02This field didn't fail.
00:16:05We're waiting to see what the yield is.
00:16:07How many fields have we got?
00:16:08We've got two fields of it, haven't we?
00:16:10We normally put about 100 hectares in, yeah?
00:16:13Of oilseed rape?
00:16:14Of oilseed rape.
00:16:15And this year we've got 20.
00:16:17Yeah, because how much failed?
00:16:19Only one field at 80 hectares.
00:16:21No, two fields failed.
00:16:22No, one field's failed.
00:16:23Oh.
00:16:24So sorry.
00:16:28I'm sorry you planted the wrong crop.
00:16:30No, so sorry.
00:16:31Sorry that your estate was bigger than it was.
00:16:33It's been nice for one minute.
00:16:34Alright, you've done a very good job.
00:16:38Here we go.
00:16:39What do we want it to be?
00:16:40Underneath nine.
00:16:4212.
00:16:45I reckon in another two hours we'll be going.
00:16:49So, a couple of hours later we came back to do another moisture test.
00:16:54What was it this morning?
00:16:56It was 12%.
00:16:57And we need it to be less than nine?
00:16:59Yes.
00:17:00I don't remember very much from the years I've been farming,
00:17:03but the one thing I do remember, and this was on television,
00:17:06is Charlie said to me that a contractor,
00:17:09or Caleb or Simon will always say,
00:17:11oh, it's fine, don't worry about the moisture.
00:17:13And Charlie said,
00:17:14never, ever let them harvest it if it's too wet.
00:17:18Never, ever let them do that.
00:17:20So if it's over nine, I mustn't let him combine it.
00:17:28What is it?
00:17:29So it's tense, it's still to work.
00:17:31Now you can make the decision now,
00:17:32because you're going to say I'm a contractor.
00:17:34So, what do you want me to do?
00:17:35Do you want me to get this off today at 10%,
00:17:38take a little bit of the drying charge,
00:17:40or wait until the end of the week when our wheat's ready,
00:17:42and if we lose the habberg on the wheat,
00:17:44we're going to lose a milling quality.
00:17:45The last thing we want to do is be caught our harvest in this
00:17:48when our wheat's ready.
00:17:49So you make the call.
00:17:50Go for it.
00:17:51Because you'll go,
00:17:52yeah, that's a contractor.
00:17:53Go on, call it.
00:17:55Charlie said don't harvest it.
00:17:59Yeah, I know what Charlie said,
00:18:00but this is your decision now.
00:18:02Call it.
00:18:03Go on.
00:18:04By the time we get it going,
00:18:05I can't call it when you keep talking.
00:18:07All right, go on then.
00:18:08I'll shut up.
00:18:09There's a contractor.
00:18:11So there's probably five or six hours in total
00:18:15to get the rape in.
00:18:16Yep.
00:18:17And the wheat...
00:18:18It's going to be ready on Wednesday afternoon.
00:18:20I guarantee that wheat would be fit Wednesday afternoon.
00:18:22Make the call.
00:18:25I cannot believe Charlie's gone on holiday.
00:18:29Oh, can you please just make the decision, please?
00:18:30I can't make a decision, Charlie.
00:18:31I'll do it for you, then we're going.
00:18:33Ready?
00:18:34Charlie told me not to do this.
00:18:36I'm calling Simon.
00:18:37We're calling it.
00:18:44When Simon arrived, I went off to do mushroom business.
00:18:48Leaving Caleb waiting anxiously to find out
00:18:53whether his rape gamble had paid off.
00:18:59Simon, do you copy?
00:19:01Yeah, I've got you.
00:19:02Are you getting on well?
00:19:03Um, yeah.
00:19:05Well, yes, we're...
00:19:06We're going a quarter full.
00:19:08Quarter full?
00:19:10At the moment, it's saying a quarter of a tonne.
00:19:13Um, to the hectare.
00:19:17Shit, now.
00:19:20A lot of these plants just haven't got any pods on at all.
00:19:23That's the trouble with rape.
00:19:25It's a volatile crop.
00:19:26I returned when they were on the second and final field of rape.
00:19:44How was...
00:19:45How was...
00:19:46Shockingly bad.
00:19:47How bad?
00:19:48Really bad.
00:19:49No, what was the yield?
00:19:51Oh, like, average of like 300 kg a hectare.
00:19:54We're joking.
00:19:56Has that trailer got the first field on it?
00:19:58Yeah.
00:19:59I wouldn't go and have a look if it was you.
00:20:01Don't do it to yourself, honestly.
00:20:07See what I mean?
00:20:08Yeah.
00:20:0925 acres.
00:20:10Yeah.
00:20:11Shit.
00:20:15Once again, it was the weather that had dealt the killer blow.
00:20:19That's a rape stalk.
00:20:22Where's all the pods gone?
00:20:23Oh, shit, there's no pods at all.
00:20:25And look, if you look this way, look behind you.
00:20:28Can you see it?
00:20:29Where is it a little bit thinner, look?
00:20:30And it's...
00:20:31It's gone like that in the wind.
00:20:32It's got so brittle, and that storm coming,
00:20:34and the rain coming,
00:20:35it's knocking out the rapeseed that we want.
00:20:38Honestly.
00:20:40You do look...
00:20:41I mean, I'm pissed off.
00:20:42You are pissed off.
00:20:43I mean, I can see you're pissed off.
00:20:45I'm just fed up.
00:20:48I mean, I would normally...
00:20:49I'd normally talk to you and say you were told not to plant rape.
00:20:53I'm not in the mood.
00:20:55I mean, you know.
00:20:59Cheer up.
00:21:00Oh, I've just had enough.
00:21:01What?
00:21:02You put all that time and effort in, and money.
00:21:04I know it's not my money, okay.
00:21:06You know, the old arbiters are joking outlaw,
00:21:08but it's still...
00:21:11I still don't want us to do badly.
00:21:12You know?
00:21:16I'll get you a beer.
00:21:21Oh, mate.
00:21:24It's annoying her, isn't it?
00:21:25You know what I mean?
00:21:28We're in this together, aren't we?
00:21:29Yeah.
00:21:31I'll go and get the trailer.
00:21:32I'll drop this one off, and then I'll meet you back here, yeah?
00:21:34Yeah.
00:21:43Once the rape was in, there was a harvesting pause.
00:21:50So I went to London to see my new granddaughter.
00:21:55Leaving Caleb in charge of the now very pregnant pigs.
00:21:59HE SIGHS
00:22:12She's very close.
00:22:13She's extremely close, I reckon, tonight.
00:22:18She wants comfort.
00:22:19A bit like going into the maternity centre with the other half.
00:22:29Hold their hand.
00:22:32Massage their back.
00:22:35Scratch me on their ears.
00:22:38You okay?
00:22:39Yeah.
00:22:41Yeah, you're good.
00:22:49Calm the down, look.
00:22:55The next day, the piglets started to appear.
00:22:58Lots of them.
00:23:10In fact, there were so many...
00:23:15..that Dilwin the vet had to come along...
00:23:19..to do a bit of social engineering.
00:23:2114, 15, 16 in here.
00:23:23Yeah, that's too many.
00:23:24Yeah, that's too many.
00:23:26She'll be struggling to rear more than 12.
00:23:29Yeah.
00:23:3012, 13.
00:23:31I think the best thing to do is to get the smaller ones
00:23:34and put the smaller ones over there.
00:23:36She's farrowing outside.
00:23:38Yeah.
00:23:40Put them over there.
00:23:41That'll give them a chance and see how we get on.
00:23:43Yeah.
00:23:45Look at that.
00:23:47They're minute.
00:23:48They're tiny.
00:23:49Yeah, absolutely.
00:23:51Look at mother.
00:23:53Oh, good.
00:23:58That's all right.
00:24:06That's having a good feed now.
00:24:07It's wicked, isn't it?
00:24:08When you see that...
00:24:10When I returned, Lisa and I rushed over to Pig City
00:24:27to say hello to the new arrivals.
00:24:30Oh.
00:24:32This is amazing.
00:24:34Look at the size of that one.
00:24:37You're very heavy already.
00:24:40And here you are, sucking straw.
00:24:44Oh, my God.
00:24:46There's loads.
00:24:48Well done.
00:24:50We're not going to call you Swizz anymore.
00:24:52In March, Swizz gave birth to three.
00:24:55That's right.
00:24:56This time, 11.
00:24:58No.
00:24:59Yes.
00:25:00Swizz!
00:25:0111.
00:25:03So the total number of pigs we had in March was 28 piglets.
00:25:07Yeah.
00:25:08This time, 53.
00:25:10Whoa.
00:25:11I think that's because they're fish running up and down that hill.
00:25:13I think it's because they're happy because they're in the woods.
00:25:15Yeah, I think so.
00:25:17But this is the main thing for me.
00:25:19You know my pig ring?
00:25:20Yes.
00:25:21Has it worked?
00:25:23Last time, 28% were squashed by their mothers.
00:25:27This time, 13%.
00:25:30Oh, that's very good.
00:25:31That's excellent.
00:25:33Yep.
00:25:34Dude, have you seen how many piglets we've got?
00:25:36Have I seen?
00:25:37I was here helping deliver them.
00:25:39I'll tell you what, though.
00:25:40I hate to omit this.
00:25:41Yes.
00:25:43Clarkson's ring, it worked.
00:25:45Yeah.
00:25:46I mean, you can just see, she's pushed up here against the ring and the piglets can run behind her.
00:25:53I mean, that's extraordinary.
00:26:02We then had to break off from pig midwifery because it was time to harvest the barley.
00:26:08And as Charlie had feared...
00:26:14You know it went in a bit later?
00:26:16Yeah.
00:26:17It's now putting up all these little shoots here, look.
00:26:20And those late maturing ones will be a problem at harvest.
00:26:25There were signs that the erratic weather had ruined this crop as well.
00:26:32This is the barley and the problem we've got here, look.
00:26:34Look at the green in that, look.
00:26:35That's a green one.
00:26:38Shouldn't be doing that.
00:26:46The winter wheat was next in line for a haircut.
00:27:00Breakfast, lunch and dinner.
00:27:05And then Caleb headed over to the last of the big crops.
00:27:13Durham wheat.
00:27:15Here we come.
00:27:20Where he was teamed up with the assistant combine driver.
00:27:23What's going on, mate?
00:27:24Yeah?
00:27:25I'm good.
00:27:26Yeah, you can't.
00:27:27Them bloody things you don't want to be...
00:27:28Right, they'd be better off if you could explore a play with you, wouldn't it?
00:27:29Yeah, that's all right, don't worry.
00:27:30I thought I'd jump in and see you.
00:27:31Yeah, that's fine.
00:27:32Some of them old stupid stuff.
00:27:33You must...
00:27:34I haven't even got time to fart us, you think.
00:27:35Because I still don't know how to come in, which way to come in and do that.
00:27:38You know, we can't get the rest tipped in this trailer yet.
00:27:40It's still drying and all that.
00:27:41Only went to Romania, didn't it?
00:27:42Pardon?
00:27:43It's old Mrs. Haston Bowes' assignment is still in that place.
00:27:46It's locked off.
00:27:47I feel like we're all those...
00:27:48Five or six, six, four, I think it was.
00:27:50See, that was far more.
00:27:51Yeah, that's fine.
00:27:52Yeah, that's fine.
00:27:53Yeah, that's fine.
00:27:54Some of them old stupid stuff.
00:27:55You must...
00:27:56You haven't even got time to fart us, you think.
00:27:57Because I still don't know how to come in, which way to come in and do that.
00:27:59You know, we can't get the rest tipped in this trailer yet.
00:28:02It's still drying and all that.
00:28:04Only went to Romania, didn't it?
00:28:05Pardon?
00:28:06There's old Mrs. Haston Bowes' assignment is still in that place.
00:28:09See, that was calming, wasn't it?
00:28:11Yeah.
00:28:16An exhausted Caleb finished a couple of days later.
00:28:21But there was very little time to relax.
00:28:24There you go.
00:28:26Because Charlie had returned.
00:28:28You haven't got a tan?
00:28:30Are you limber to all intact?
00:28:31I'm all here.
00:28:33And immediately wanted to catch up on the crops.
00:28:37I've got the spring valiant.
00:28:39Good.
00:28:40I hope that makes malting.
00:28:41Yeah.
00:28:42That's the one that's worrying me the most.
00:28:44The durum, that must make pasta grade.
00:28:47Yeah.
00:28:48Because Canada's having a shocker again.
00:28:50It's really hot.
00:28:51So the price of durum, if it's good...
00:28:52What is the price of durum?
00:28:54Really good.
00:28:56Five, six hundred pounds a ton.
00:28:58Okay, yeah.
00:28:59Look at that side.
00:29:00While Charlie and Caleb were collecting samples to ascertain the quality of what we'd harvested,
00:29:07I was pulling together the last bits of revenue from farming the unfarmed, with one unexpected income stream coming from what traditionally is our most jinxed crop.
00:29:18Come on, come on.
00:29:19Come on.
00:29:20Heel.
00:29:21Heel.
00:29:22Potatoes.
00:29:23Ariat, sir.
00:29:24No, that's my potatoes.
00:29:25No.
00:29:26Get off my potatoes.
00:29:27Go on, this way.
00:29:28No, you eejits.
00:29:29Go on, this way.
00:29:31Basically, Lisa had commandeered one of the fields idea marked for mustard, and planted spuds
00:29:38in it, because she wanted to have another crack at making crisps.
00:29:43Do you know how many crisps people eat in England every year?
00:29:46No.
00:29:47Six billion.
00:29:48Six billion packets of crisps or crisps?
00:29:50Packets.
00:29:51Well, one of the linux is so rich.
00:29:53Yeah, exactly.
00:29:54This all sounded very exciting.
00:29:57But working out how we stood financially triggered another bout of diddly-squat maths.
00:30:04So we've got 50 tonnes, that's...
00:30:08Well, one tonne is 100,000 kilos, isn't it?
00:30:12Yeah.
00:30:13Is it?
00:30:14What's one tonne?
00:30:151,000 kilograms.
00:30:161,000 kilograms is one tonne.
00:30:18Right.
00:30:19So it's half a million grammes divided by 120.
00:30:25So you should be getting 4,000...
00:30:28No, 4,200 packets of crisps out of here.
00:30:31No, you...
00:30:32No!
00:30:33There's a million grammes in a tonne.
00:30:35So it's 50 million.
00:30:37I may have got my decimal point wrong.
00:30:39I think you might have.
00:30:40400,000 packets of crisps.
00:30:41No!
00:30:42That would be 4,160,000.
00:30:43Lisa, your business plans are worse than mine.
00:30:45No, no, no.
00:30:46Let's see your numbers on mustard.
00:30:47I haven't done them.
00:30:48Well, how do you know you're going to be ahead of me then?
00:30:50It's in my mind.
00:30:51Eventually, we agreed the potatoes would bring in...
00:30:54something or other.
00:30:55And then I set off with my trailer to harvest the mustard fields Lisa hadn't commandeered.
00:31:10Ooh, this is going to be tight.
00:31:12I think that might just about get the tractor through.
00:31:21But what about the trailer?
00:31:31Erm...
00:31:32Oh, shit.
00:31:46What the hell am I going to do now?
00:31:48Well, how are we going to get the combine in?
00:31:51Well, how are you going to get the tractor moved?
00:31:52I can get that out of the way.
00:31:53I can get that out of the way.
00:31:54Go on, then.
00:31:55Can you move this?
00:31:56Because I'm properly stumped on that one.
00:31:58Don't do that!
00:31:59Oh.
00:32:00I did not think of doing that.
00:32:03I did not think of doing that.
00:32:05I did not think of doing that.
00:32:08Bollocks.
00:32:09I did not think of doing that.
00:32:19I did not think of doing that.
00:32:26Bollocks.
00:32:29Stoop...
00:32:31Fucking hell.
00:32:34There's drivers and there's screwdrivers.
00:32:36And you're a screwdriver.
00:32:37No, I just... I forgot I could lift it up. That would have got it through.
00:32:40Yeah. But I forgot I could lift it up.
00:32:42How are we going to get that in, though, more importantly?
00:32:46Erm...
00:32:49The problem with planting crops on ground that's not usually farmed,
00:32:53and I should have realised this,
00:32:55is that none of the gates are designed for modern farm machinery.
00:33:00So, Simon and Caleb had to make a long and irritating detour.
00:33:08Jesus Christ.
00:33:11Yeah.
00:33:13And then, to get into the actual mustard field,
00:33:16we had to smash a fence down.
00:33:24Er, right, what are we doing here?
00:33:26This was the field where, five months earlier,
00:33:31Caleb had been less than impressed by my planting skills.
00:33:36So, look, you started drilling here, and then you come along.
00:33:39Fucking great miss.
00:33:41Oh, look, another miss.
00:33:44But, now we were here, to me, the results looked pretty impressive.
00:33:49So, once Simon had finished combining,
00:33:58I brought my trailer in, ready to receive my load.
00:34:07There's the fan.
00:34:09And here comes the mustard.
00:34:10There it is!
00:34:11Look at it!
00:34:13There's tons of it!
00:34:14There it is!
00:34:22Is that it?
00:34:26Right.
00:34:33Well, I guess I'd better cancel the speedboat order.
00:34:37Having readjusted my financial expectations,
00:34:41I sit about turning the few seeds I did have
00:34:44into a delicious mustard.
00:34:47What I've done so far is put 1.3 litres of vegetable oil in there.
00:34:54I'm now going to add, this is for 40 jars,
00:34:582.2 litres of cider vinegar.
00:35:01It seems like James May decides to do a cookery show.
00:35:06You just sit down and put things in jars.
00:35:11Bee juice.
00:35:14Cider!
00:35:16Ah, 400 millilitres.
00:35:19I may have overdone it with the cider, but it'll be fine.
00:35:22Light, soft brown sugar.
00:35:25For the whisking, apparently, I have to be quite frantic,
00:35:27so we need a hat.
00:35:31Apparently this is a hat.
00:35:38Now, my mustard seeds now need to be cracked
00:35:42to let the stuff out of them.
00:35:45And I have a mustard cracker.
00:35:48You just put the seeds in...
00:35:49The seeds in the...
00:35:56I've got to take the lid off.
00:36:10Why have you put the bloody...
00:36:12Look at them.
00:36:23Now, being careful to take the lid off your mustard cracker.
00:36:28Pour these into the top.
00:36:33There we go. Lovely.
00:36:36Ready?
00:36:37Right.
00:36:42Right.
00:36:43Now, that doesn't look very different,
00:36:45but they have been cracked.
00:36:50And whisk away.
00:36:52Once the finished mustard had been decanted into jars,
00:36:56I took all 36 of them up to the farm's shop.
00:37:03Ooh!
00:37:05Check it out!
00:37:07Jeremy's hot seed.
00:37:08Well, to be honest, mustard seed.
00:37:09Look, cider and honey mustard.
00:37:11So those are cider.
00:37:12Those cherries.
00:37:14Jeremy's hot seed with a cherry either side.
00:37:16Yeah, I don't know why.
00:37:18Is that an apple?
00:37:20Could be apples.
00:37:21Yeah, it's apples. They're apples.
00:37:23And they're six pounds.
00:37:24But we need to explain...
00:37:26No, for this size...
00:37:28I've really done the maths on this.
00:37:30Six pounds.
00:37:32Seven pounds in Delfsford.
00:37:34It's quite small.
00:37:35Okay.
00:37:36Six...
00:37:37Five-fifties?
00:37:38No, it's six pounds.
00:37:39If you want to lose money, it's five-fifty.
00:37:40It's six pounds.
00:37:41Okay.
00:37:42I promise you, it's six pounds,
00:37:43because we were supposed to have grown...
00:37:45Um...
00:37:47Are those Christmas baubles local?
00:37:50Um...
00:37:52The next morning, Charlie came to see me with some important news.
00:37:58Because he'd had the results from the quality tests on our crops.
00:38:03Morning, Jeremy.
00:38:05Charlie, how are you?
00:38:07I mean, I must be honest, I was quite nervous.
00:38:11The milling wheat, the winter wheat, is milling wheat.
00:38:14Yeah, it's made the grade.
00:38:15Yeah.
00:38:16Your durum wheat is exceptional...
00:38:18Ooh.
00:38:19...on some counts.
00:38:21And not quite so exceptional on others.
00:38:2615% moisture.
00:38:28Spot on.
00:38:29Yeah.
00:38:30Protein, 15.4.
00:38:31Yeah.
00:38:32Exceptional.
00:38:33Yeah.
00:38:35Hagberg, it's meant to be 250.
00:38:37It's 133.
00:38:39So, that's how elastic the dough would be.
00:38:45Gives it a nice elasticity.
00:38:47So, stretchy dough.
00:38:49You know how pasta...
00:38:50I'd love to pretend I knew what that meant.
00:38:55It can't be used.
00:38:57So, you can't make pasta out of it?
00:38:59You can't make pasta out of it.
00:39:01So, we just have to feed it to the cows that we don't have?
00:39:04Yeah.
00:39:06How many tonnes did we have?
00:39:09We had about 150.
00:39:12150 tonnes, and we should have got £400 a tonne for it.
00:39:16Yeah.
00:39:17That's £60,000.
00:39:19And we're actually going to get...
00:39:20What do we get from...?
00:39:22Probably feed wheat today, we'll make 175.
00:39:2626,250.
00:39:29So, we've lost 33,750,000.
00:39:33So...
00:39:35£33,750.
00:39:38Because it rained.
00:39:41It doesn't stop, I'm afraid.
00:39:44Well, it gets worse.
00:39:45We've got the barley results back.
00:39:48So, the barley...
00:39:51Well, it won't germinate.
00:39:53Because some of it is, as it says, it's just dead.
00:39:56So, it doesn't have the required germination.
00:39:59So, what does it mean?
00:40:01It means we can't use it for malting barley.
00:40:05Sucking hell.
00:40:07How are we going to make the beer?
00:40:12Um...
00:40:14And again, just forgetting the beer for the moment,
00:40:16what would we have achieved had we sold it?
00:40:19There are about 180 tonnes of barley.
00:40:22And it would have gone for...
00:40:24235.
00:40:26A tonne.
00:40:27Yeah.
00:40:28So, we'd have got £42,000
00:40:30if we could have sent it down to Hawxton.
00:40:32Yeah.
00:40:33And what are we going to get?
00:40:35160.
00:40:37As animal feed again.
00:40:3928,000, so we've lost...
00:40:4114,000.
00:40:4314,000.
00:40:45So, we've lost 14,000 on the barley.
00:40:4834,000 on the...
00:40:4934,000 on pasta wheat.
00:40:54Barley is a problem.
00:40:56That is a big problem.
00:40:57I've got to ring the brewery now.
00:40:59Your durum wheat,
00:41:01unless we can improve that a little bit,
00:41:03which it might improve in store,
00:41:05it sometimes does,
00:41:07it's feed wheat.
00:41:09But I'm not in full despair of this yet.
00:41:12No, it's all indeniable news.
00:41:15So, we've... I...
00:41:17Yeah.
00:41:18I'm not enjoying this job this year.
00:41:23To cheer myself up after this dire forecast,
00:41:27I decided it was time to spring a nice surprise on Lisa.
00:41:31So, on a lovely sunny day,
00:41:33I drove us over to see Tim,
00:41:37the cow farmer.
00:41:41Follow me.
00:41:43I like a little bit of a run out.
00:41:45I know.
00:41:47Oh!
00:41:49No.
00:41:51Peppa!
00:41:53Oh, no way.
00:41:55Yeah.
00:41:56We haven't seen her for a year.
00:41:57Oh, of course it is. Look at her face.
00:41:59And the, uh, really big surprise.
00:42:00Yeah?
00:42:02That is Peppa's calf.
00:42:05I don't understand.
00:42:07Peppa got pregnant.
00:42:09This is Peppa's calf.
00:42:11Oh, little...
00:42:13Oh!
00:42:15You are the cutest little thing.
00:42:16You are a sweetheart.
00:42:18Look at the little diddly Peppa.
00:42:21Really good-looking calf.
00:42:24Oh, look at her little...
00:42:26She's got her little snubby face.
00:42:28Oh!
00:42:30Peppa, well done.
00:42:31You look fantastic as well.
00:42:33Oh!
00:42:34No, cos when I said to Charlie,
00:42:37what will happen to Peppa, you know,
00:42:38and all the mothers...
00:42:39Yeah.
00:42:40Could we send them back to Tim?
00:42:41He said, I wouldn't ask questions
00:42:42that you don't want to hear the answer to.
00:42:45Imagine my surprise when...
00:42:47where are we?
00:42:48Nine months later.
00:42:50That's the best surprise you could have given me.
00:42:53Aww.
00:42:54Tim!
00:42:56How the bloody hell did you do that?
00:42:58The same ball that was at yours?
00:42:59No.
00:43:00Same ball?
00:43:01Maestro.
00:43:02Yeah, Maestro.
00:43:03What, you mean, we brought her back here
00:43:05and she got up the duff immediately?
00:43:07Yeah, well, about a month afterwards.
00:43:09That's a bit rude, to be honest, Tim.
00:43:11She didn't like Oxfordshire.
00:43:12Yeah.
00:43:13She didn't like Oxfordshire.
00:43:14She's moved back into Northamptonshire.
00:43:16Yeah.
00:43:18Doesn't like the Oxford Institute Council.
00:43:20Yeah, so little heppercarf.
00:43:23And Rosie and Harry have called her Tabitha.
00:43:25Tabitha?
00:43:26Or Tabby for short, yeah.
00:43:28She's quite a character.
00:43:29Is she?
00:43:30Yeah.
00:43:31Pepper and Tabby.
00:43:32Pepper and Tabby, yeah.
00:43:33So gorgeous.
00:43:34So, and she's a really good mum.
00:43:36I'm just so thrilled.
00:43:37I know.
00:43:41I'm gonna lose shit apart from that.
00:43:44That's fantastic.
00:43:45The world's most famous cow is now a mum.
00:44:03A week later, all the results from the harvest were in.
00:44:08Which meant it was time for the grand whiteboard finale.
00:44:15Well, here we are.
00:44:16Big moment.
00:44:18Caleb and I therefore met in the office to find out who'd won.
00:44:22So, by farming the unfarmed land on the farm, I made £27,614.
00:44:36Profit?
00:44:37Profit.
00:44:38Wow.
00:44:39That is an awful lot of work.
00:44:41For not quite enough money to buy many countrymen.
00:44:45I could earn more than that by making people cups of coffee on Paddington Station.
00:44:48But...
00:44:49Still a profit though.
00:44:52You've done better than I thought you would have.
00:44:55Look at the cows.
00:44:56The cow.
00:44:57That, honestly, that is, as a cow farmer, that is amazing.
00:45:03How many cows was that?
00:45:04That was from five.
00:45:05£5,000 a cow.
00:45:07The average beef farmer now, yeah, we'd be getting as a fat cattle, maybe £1,800.
00:45:12Well, that is because we got the burger van.
00:45:15Yeah, so we have an outlet for them.
00:45:16Yeah.
00:45:17Mushrooms.
00:45:19Look at that.
00:45:20I mean, that's...
00:45:21We should definitely do more mushrooms.
00:45:23Look at that.
00:45:24We're not making, like, more mushrooms.
00:45:25Nearly £7,000 profit on mushrooms.
00:45:27That was a good idea.
00:45:28The goats...
00:45:30We're going to keep the goats?
00:45:31Yeah, of course we're going to keep the goats.
00:45:32You should slaughter them.
00:45:33What do you mean slaughter them?
00:45:34You should kill them.
00:45:35No!
00:45:36And then eat them.
00:45:37No!
00:45:38They're 29 boy goats.
00:45:39You can't do anything with them.
00:45:40No, I like them.
00:45:41Nettle's a total disaster.
00:45:43Yeah, let's not do that.
00:45:44The venison...
00:45:46I think we should keep doing it.
00:45:47We've got to keep doing it.
00:45:48Yeah, because there's so many deer around.
00:45:50I mean, the upshot is...
00:45:53It didn't lose money.
00:45:54You got a profit of £27,614, but it was a loss of work.
00:45:58Hello.
00:45:59Hi, Charlie.
00:46:00Hi, how are you?
00:46:01Just doing my numbers.
00:46:02That's very good.
00:46:03I've got...
00:46:04Look at this.
00:46:0530% uplift on farming the unfarmed.
00:46:08It's a 50% uplift.
00:46:10No.
00:46:11Yes.
00:46:12Why is it?
00:46:13Because you've made £27,000 and you've spent...
00:46:1653.
00:46:17Just under £54, yeah.
00:46:1853.
00:46:19So...
00:46:20But it's...
00:46:21If you gave me a pound, I've given you £1.50 back.
00:46:24That's exactly what's just happened.
00:46:25Oh.
00:46:26Oh, I've...
00:46:27I'm so fucking confused.
00:46:29Anyway.
00:46:30We haven't lost money.
00:46:32That's the important thing.
00:46:33No.
00:46:34He's made a profit.
00:46:35I've made a profit.
00:46:36Anyway.
00:46:37With my side out of the way, it was now time for Charlie to let Caleb know how he'd done.
00:46:42All right.
00:46:43Green or red?
00:46:44You just...
00:46:45No, no, I'm just...
00:46:46No.
00:46:47Get that you want the red one first.
00:46:48So, contract...
00:46:49So, this is paying...
00:46:50You paying Simon and hiring £46,279.
00:46:57OK.
00:46:58So, that gave you a total cost.
00:47:02183,000.
00:47:03183.
00:47:04And £11.
00:47:07011.
00:47:08180.
00:47:09So, that's how much?
00:47:10It's mad to think you've got to spend that to grow food.
00:47:13That...
00:47:14All that cost is simply...
00:47:16I know.
00:47:17And then we haven't just...
00:47:18No, my heart's really going to pitter-patter because...
00:47:20So is mine.
00:47:21So, rapeseed.
00:47:22Green pen, isn't it?
00:47:23Green pen.
00:47:24Rape, we'd actually...
00:47:25There was more of it than £10,172.
00:47:29So, it looks like you were right to plant rape.
00:47:33Right and wrong.
00:47:34One field was very, very poor.
00:47:36Yes.
00:47:37But luckily, and I thank Berry Hill South for this, we had a really good harvest in there.
00:47:43And the yields...
00:47:44Was really high.
00:47:45The one that looked awful...
00:47:47Was good.
00:47:48Was good.
00:47:49And the field that looked...
00:47:50Is if you hadn't grown rape, you would have planted something else, which would have been even more profitable than that.
00:47:56Yes.
00:47:57Okay.
00:47:58But luckily, I covered my costs and made a little bit on the break that we had.
00:48:00No, you have.
00:48:01No, you have.
00:48:02Okay, good.
00:48:03All right.
00:48:04What have we got next?
00:48:05Wheat.
00:48:06Wheat.
00:48:07The good news, it made milling.
00:48:08And we...
00:48:09Yes.
00:48:10Yep.
00:48:11The wheat, the winter wheat...
00:48:12So that's bread.
00:48:13Bread.
00:48:14Human food.
00:48:15Yep.
00:48:16And that's at 250 quid a tonne.
00:48:19250 pounds a tonne, yep.
00:48:21Come on, let's keep going.
00:48:22Oats.
00:48:23Yep.
00:48:24Maid milling.
00:48:25And who knew?
00:48:26There's been a real disaster across Northern Europe this year with oats, so...
00:48:29A rotten bit of luck for the Finns.
00:48:3126,835 pounds.
00:48:35Then we come down to grass seed, which was your haylage field at the top.
00:48:39Yep.
00:48:404,890.
00:48:42How many cuts did you get in the end?
00:48:44Three.
00:48:45You did get three.
00:48:46Three, but it didn't make any hay.
00:48:48So we won't be able to sell any to Amanda Holden?
00:48:50No, unfortunately not.
00:48:52Andy Cato's field?
00:48:53Wild farmed.
00:48:54£7,206.
00:48:57It's not as good as our best wheat field, but it's better than our worst wheat field.
00:49:01So that's made a profit.
00:49:02If that was into wheat, we'd have got, you know, more there.
00:49:04You know, if I might, let's be positive.
00:49:08OK, you might have earned more if we'd have farmed your wheat on that field.
00:49:13Mm-hm.
00:49:14But we haven't lost any money, and we might, and hopefully we have...
00:49:18Improve the soil.
00:49:19Improve the soil.
00:49:20And that is something I'm...
00:49:21I know I don't want to sound like some virtue signaling idiot on Instagram, but I do care about the soil.
00:49:27So that...
00:49:29Good.
00:49:30Durham wheat, pasta.
00:49:32You didn't think it was going to make it, did you?
00:49:37No, and it has.
00:49:39Has it?
00:49:40So, it got up to 170 Hagberg, but because this year's been so difficult, you know, we've worked with Matthew, and they've milled it, and they've made a grist, so it's made pasta.
00:49:52Yes!
00:49:53That is good news.
00:49:54We've got a million as well on the wheat, haven't we?
00:49:5760,165 pounds.
00:50:02We are going to...
00:50:0360,165.
00:50:08One, six, five.
00:50:10One, six, five.
00:50:11That looks like a good round number, doesn't it, there?
00:50:13Look at it!
00:50:14Jesus Christ, that's fantastic.
00:50:16However, spring barley...
00:50:18Here it is.
00:50:20It was the...
00:50:21We can't use it to make Hawkestone beer, can we?
00:50:23It's the finest quality animal feed.
00:50:2625,526.
00:50:31But if we got the...
00:50:32If we got malting on the spring barley, we would have made £60,000?
00:50:35It would have been...
00:50:36Pretty much double...
00:50:37Double.
00:50:38OK.
00:50:39Now can we do the adding up?
00:50:41This is the important thing.
00:50:42So...
00:50:43You've got to be...
00:50:4427,600 in orange.
00:50:46200...
00:50:48What?
00:50:49And 27,998.
00:50:54So your total, Caleb, at the top is 44,000...
00:50:58Oh, he's beaten me.
00:50:59...987.
00:51:02Well, there you go.
00:51:03Woo!
00:51:05Well done.
00:51:06First year of being farm manager, and you've kicked my arse completely.
00:51:10But we're a team.
00:51:11So if we had those two together...
00:51:1340...
00:51:1450...
00:51:1572 and a half.
00:51:1672...
00:51:1772,000 pounds.
00:51:18Well, that's...
00:51:19I mean, that's pretty...
00:51:201,000 acres, 72 pounds an acre.
00:51:23Go to the pub today, then.
00:51:25But, Caleb, as you know, farms always demand cash, don't they?
00:51:29And we've started next year's cycle.
00:51:31Yeah.
00:51:32So actually I need all of that to fund the seed, the fertiliser...
00:51:35What?
00:51:36And the sprays.
00:51:37So...
00:51:38So we can't go to the pub?
00:51:39No.
00:51:40Well, you need every single penny.
00:51:41Every single penny.
00:51:42For seed, fruits and sprays for next year.
00:51:44That's not even covering the contracting charge.
00:51:48So I'll take you for a pint, then.
00:51:51Well, I'll tell you something else, as well.
00:51:53If I hadn't have farmed the unfarmed, we'd be in trouble.
00:51:55Yeah.
00:51:56The other thing, as well, is that, again,
00:52:00I'm in the fortunate position of having other income streams.
00:52:05But if you're a normal farmer,
00:52:07and this is your full-time and only job,
00:52:10you get two years where you don't make any money.
00:52:14Yeah.
00:52:15You're screwed.
00:52:16It's really tough.
00:52:17Because of the fluctuations we saw in the price of wheat
00:52:21and in the price of fertiliser...
00:52:23Yeah.
00:52:24You don't know where you are.
00:52:25You can't plan.
00:52:26Literally a butterfly can flap its wings in China,
00:52:29and you go bankrupt.
00:52:31It's that nuts.
00:52:34You're used to have a relatively stable income
00:52:37in terms of subsidies, but they're going.
00:52:40It's really hard to get...
00:52:41I like to think the future of farming is bright and light,
00:52:43and especially the young generation coming in.
00:52:45Especially me.
00:52:46I'm 25 years old.
00:52:47But how?
00:52:48I've got maybe potentially 60 harvesters left.
00:52:49How?
00:52:50How?
00:52:51I don't know.
00:52:52I honestly don't know.
00:52:53How?
00:52:54But I want to say positive because I love what I do.
00:53:00Speak to the President again.
00:53:01The Prime Minister, sorry.
00:53:02President?
00:53:03It was hard, giving Charlie every penny we'd made to buy seed and fertiliser for the following year.
00:53:20Because it meant we'd been through a lot to earn nothing at all.
00:53:25Well, I think it's fine, building jumbo planes, or taking a ride on a cosmic train.
00:53:42I know we've come a long way, we're changing day to day, but tell me where do the children play?
00:53:54Dear...
00:53:59Rudy!
00:54:00And now you crack the sky?!
00:54:03Scrapers fill the air, but will you keep on building higher, till there's no more room up there?
00:54:09Hey!
00:54:10I know we've come a long way.
00:54:13We're changing day to day Den world.
00:54:19Tell me, where do the children play?
00:54:33Yep, it had been yet another tumultuous year.
00:54:39But, as is now customary, Team Diddly Squat gathered to mark its passing.
00:54:45We're with a picnic in the woods next to one of my lesser triumphs.
00:54:54Damn's not quite finished.
00:54:56Look at it.
00:54:58You know we've gone backwards.
00:54:59I was about to say, have you actually started it?
00:55:01It's such a mess. That is a disgrace, to be honest, to both of you.
00:55:04It's like a pair of children being played, ain't it?
00:55:07Yeah. What?
00:55:10That's exactly what it is.
00:55:12Oh!
00:55:15Dogs are still untrained.
00:55:17You are filthy.
00:55:18No, go away. Go away.
00:55:21You know what I was thinking the other day?
00:55:24Farmers moan.
00:55:26Often with good reason.
00:55:28Bloody difficult. Don't get much pay.
00:55:32Get lambasted by everybody for harm in the environment.
00:55:35Why do they keep doing it?
00:55:36Why are they fighting to keep the industry going?
00:55:39You know, why would you?
00:55:41And then, I remembered you saying four years ago,
00:55:44it's a way of life, farming.
00:55:47You'd agree.
00:55:48Yeah.
00:55:49Yeah, I mean, you know when the first year I went,
00:55:51shall I go back to London, or shall I stay here?
00:55:55Doesn't even enter my head.
00:55:56No.
00:55:57Oh, fuck.
00:56:00It doesn't even enter my head now.
00:56:02I mean, I've got to go to London next Tuesday,
00:56:05and I'm already dreading it and trying to think of excuses for not going.
00:56:09You know you went away to Africa?
00:56:11Yeah.
00:56:12I hate to admit this.
00:56:13Yeah.
00:56:14The plane's going to crash just as you say that.
00:56:19When you said kind of.
00:56:21Really?
00:56:22I miss him as a person,
00:56:23I don't miss him helping on the farm.
00:56:25But like, you know, our cup of teas and our little chats
00:56:28and our meal out on the weekend and chit chats and farming chats and...
00:56:34You do need that community around.
00:56:35Yeah.
00:56:36You do need that sort of...
00:56:37Otherwise it's quite a lonely...
00:56:38I know.
00:56:39And we've had the usual year of rows, difficulties, bad weather,
00:56:44disappointments, deaths.
00:56:46The pigs were just awful barreness and so on.
00:56:49But let us look at it this way.
00:56:52I became a grandfather for the first time since we were last here.
00:56:57You became a father again.
00:57:00And you, the G-Dog, beat the big C.
00:57:04Yeah.
00:57:05All right, we can dig to that.
00:57:06Cheers, guys.
00:57:07Cheers.
00:57:08Well done, well done, well done.
00:57:09Cheers.
00:57:11Well done.
00:57:13And thank you.
00:57:14You're welcome.
00:57:15Thank you, everybody,
00:57:16for helping to make this the best job in the world.
00:57:19I would like to thank everybody,
00:57:21all the film crew and all my friends here.
00:57:25All of you have been so kind to me and my family.
00:57:29And thank you very much.
00:57:32We're here for you all the time.
00:57:34That's good.
00:57:35Cheers.
00:57:36Cheers, guys.
00:57:38Cheers, guys.
00:57:39I was born in the wagon of a traveling show
00:57:46My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw
00:57:48My mama would do whatever he could
00:57:53Preach a little gospel
00:57:55Sell a couple bottles of Dr. Good
00:58:00G.M.C. is trans and thieves
00:58:04We'd hear it from the people of the town
00:58:06They'd call a G.M.C. is trans and thieves
00:58:10But every night all the men would come around
00:58:13And lay their money down
00:58:15I never had schooling but it taught me well
00:58:20With a smooth, solid style
00:58:23Three months later I'm a gal in trouble
00:58:26And I haven't seen him for a while
00:58:31I haven't seen him for a while
00:58:36She was born in the wagon of a traveling show
00:58:42My mama had to dance for the money they'd throw
00:58:45Grandpa would do whatever he could
00:58:48Preach a little gospel
00:58:51Sell a couple bottles of Dr. Good
00:58:56G.M.C. is trans and thieves
00:59:00We'd hear it from the people of the town
00:59:02They'd call us D.M.C. is trans and thieves
00:59:06But every night all the men would come around
00:59:09And lay their money down
00:59:12D.M.C. is trans and thieves
00:59:32I'm going to lay their money down
00:59:38The cowboy boy
00:59:56You