#ShowMovies
#Taskmaster
#Taskmaster
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00This was a mistake
00:30One of the many TV shows that my own nieces don't watch and yet am I expected to display your school photos in my home
00:49I doubt it
00:51They've gone in the drawer with years worth of your rubbish artwork
00:54I know you'll never hear this
00:57But it's enough for me to know that I've said it on TV quid pro quo you monsters
01:02Quid pro quo
01:04Moving along
01:07Please welcome to the show Fatih Al Gorey
01:11Jason Mantzuka
01:14Matthew Bainter
01:17Rosie Ramsey
01:20And Stevie Martin
01:23And next to me a man who drives an electric car and to quote him
01:31Not for the good of the planet, but because it makes my wife horny
01:35It's little Alex Horne
01:41What's happening sweet prince?
01:46I'm trying I'm trying to be brave for you Greg
01:50You know I struggle with accents
01:52Oh yeah
01:53I can't do them
01:53Well I can do them now
01:54I've had lessons
01:55OK
01:56So I'd like to demonstrate my new grasp of accents
01:58Are you ready?
01:59Yeah I'm ready for the joke that you cooked up six minutes ago
02:02I'm going to start with Beyonce
02:04I'm going to start with Beyonce
02:05Ready?
02:06OK
02:07There's one on the E
02:09And now I'm going to do the Quebec accent
02:13It's on the first E
02:15I'm now going to do the Oslo accent
02:19Good morning
02:21I am from Oslo
02:23Norway
02:24Huh?
02:25Let's get on with the price task
02:27Right
02:28Yes
02:29I'm going to get on, Greg
02:30And this time you've asked them to bring in
02:32The best object
02:33To bestow in your will to a relative against whom you are seeking revenge
02:37We've all thought about it
02:38We all want revenge
02:39And I shall have my revenge
02:41The object, Greg, thinks
02:43Is best to bestow will be gifted five points
02:45And the winner of the episode will have to update their will with five new objects
02:50Back to you, my sweet little Greg Forrest Gatto
02:53Matthew, what have you bought me to take revenge on a relative?
02:58I've brought a thousand-piece jigsaw of the Mona Lisa
03:00Oh
03:01Get this in your will
03:02I'd quite like that
03:03I think quite a lot of the things that I've brought
03:05I've brought a thousand-piece jigsaw of the Mona Lisa
03:08Oh, thank you
03:09You've got this in your will
03:10I'd quite like that
03:11I think quite a lot of nerds would like that
03:14So
03:15Well, this relative is not a nerd
03:17Interestingly, you have in your mind
03:20Picked a specific relative
03:22Did we not all?
03:26Let's call him Terry
03:29So every time Terry comes over
03:32I've got a jigsaw on the go
03:34And Terry begins to get the impression that I'm really into jigsaws
03:37Right
03:38So when I leave the Mona Lisa in my will
03:41Terry's going to think
03:43I guess I better do it in his memory
03:46And then how disappointed they would be
03:50When they find
03:54This is a piece that Matthew is going to be buried with
03:57So genuinely fiendish Matthew
04:03Rosie?
04:04I have brought
04:05Used coffee bean granules in the shape of a delicious
04:10Chocolate brownie
04:11Oh God, okay
04:13Here it is
04:14What I'm going to do
04:15Every time you come round
04:16I'm going to be making chocolate brownies
04:18Yeah
04:19I'm going to make them the most delicious chocolate brownies
04:20Yeah
04:21Delicious
04:22That they've ever had in their life
04:23And then when I die
04:24I'm going to get my coffee granules
04:26And I'm going to leave it with a note for them saying one last time
04:31Then it'll be disgusting
04:33And they'll never forget it
04:35Great, I mean that would be absolutely horrific
04:37Jessen
04:38What are you planning to do to your most dislikable relative?
04:42Okay, so
04:44I collect a lot of art, right?
04:47Right
04:48But not like good art
04:49A lot of weird stuff
04:51So here's the thing
04:52There are times when I am up late at night
04:56Going on websites to buy random paintings, okay?
04:59I do not remember purchasing this painting
05:02But it arrived at my house
05:04Imagine my surprise
05:06Here it is
05:07Is this not the most haunted thing you've ever seen?
05:15I hate it
05:16Yes
05:17I don't care for it either
05:19This task allows me an opportunity to offload this nightmare
05:24I'm so sorry for whoever gets it
05:26Wow, I mean it is god awful
05:29Yeah
05:30Stevie, can you beat the disembodied floating heads of children?
05:34I think it is quite root one, but I wouldn't like this
05:36So it's like a really interesting looking old envelope
05:40Okay
05:41That makes you be like, hang on, what's going on here?
05:43There's the envelope
05:44Yeah, there's the envelope
05:45Interesting
05:46So when you open it
05:47This is what happens?
05:48Lot of glitter and it says, ha ha, you're a twat
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52APPLAUSE
05:53Very clever really, you've lowered my expectations so much
05:58But I quite liked, ha ha, you're a twat
06:00LAUGHTER
06:01Ah, my old friend
06:05You all right, baby?
06:08What have you brought us?
06:09I mean, I dread to think what revenge you're going to take
06:12LAUGHTER
06:13Oh my god
06:14So, I brought pillows
06:16She brought pillows?
06:17Yeah
06:18And then, but the pièce de résistance
06:21Is the little note
06:22Could you please show us the note, Alex?
06:24There's a word I didn't understand, but it says this
06:26LAUGHTER
06:27So let me give you the context, right?
06:30I've got an auntie who's a BITCH
06:32LAUGHTER
06:35And basically, for three birthdays on the trot
06:38The bitch has got me pillows
06:40LAUGHTER
06:41Is that the one reason she's a bitch?
06:43Yeah!
06:44Because she buys you pillows?
06:45Yeah!
06:46So she hasn't done anything?
06:47She's not been rude to you?
06:48No!
06:49She cooks the best couscous in the world
06:51But I won't eat it
06:52LAUGHTER
06:54The first time you got the pillows
06:55Are you happy with that?
06:56Yeah, I was happy
06:57Right
06:58Because I mentioned once that I need pillows
06:59Why not?
07:00See, what?
07:01She's got you something you like
07:02Yeah, but not free ties
07:04LAUGHTER
07:05Well, this is your mistake
07:06You should be saying in between things you like
07:09Things that you need next year
07:10Yeah
07:11This year I need a kettle
07:12A kettle
07:13What the hell am I, a 70-year-old woman?
07:15LAUGHTER
07:16Get ready to receive a painting, ladies
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21Right, Greg
07:22What is the least good revenge?
07:24I feel sorry for Stevie a little bit
07:26Come on!
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28Oh, my pillows!
07:29It's not that bad, is it?
07:31It could be seen as just like a
07:32Ah, you twat
07:33Love you
07:34It's the glitter element
07:35You've forgotten that element
07:36Oh, God, yes
07:37I'm sorry, five points
07:38LAUGHTER
07:40So there's one point to Stevie
07:41When I think about this beautiful head
07:44Popping down for the night
07:47He doesn't want to pop his head onto some coffee grounds
07:50He wants to pop them onto some pillows
07:51So two points for the lovely pillows
07:53Two points for you, Fatia
07:54And big respect to your auntie
07:55She's going to be your auntie soon, so stop fighting her
07:58LAUGHTER
08:00Three points for the coffee grounds for Rosie
08:02OK, three to Rosie, thank you
08:04And now we're up with the really sinister things
08:07He won't like this
08:08And it's one of the reasons I'm going to do it
08:10I'm going to give you both five points
08:12Yes!
08:13OK, five points for the situation
08:15APPLAUSE
08:17Let's task two right
08:19And yes, please, Mummy, it's time to camp it up a bit
08:22MUSIC PLAYS
08:25MUSIC PLAYS
08:38Wow
08:40Hello
08:41Hi, Stevie
08:42Wow
08:43You like it?
08:44I love it
08:45It's like a spa, isn't it?
08:46Is it?
08:47A little bit
08:48Posh one
08:49I like this
08:50You like grottos?
08:51Yeah
08:52And it's great what people did before the internet
08:54LAUGHTER
08:57Be the least annoying person round the campfire
09:01Round the campfire
09:03Should have had a little apostrophe before the R
09:07Don't worry about it, I got it
09:08OK
09:09LAUGHTER
09:10Be the least annoying person round the campfire
09:14You must either sing a folk song
09:16Tell a ghost story
09:18Or recite a beat poem
09:20And not be annoying
09:22Your song, story or poem
09:25Must either be about fast cars
09:27Barbecues
09:28Or DIY
09:30And it can contain no more than 100 words
09:34You must perform your song, story or poem
09:37In ten minutes from now
09:39If I do a folk song, do I get an instrument?
09:42Yeah, I've got all the instruments
09:44All of them?
09:45You've got a little egg
09:46No?
09:47What's the beat poem?
09:48Is that the shit they do in America?
09:49Well, we can ask Jason
09:50Who's Jason?
09:51Who's Jason?
09:52He's the American on the show
09:53Oh
09:54Don't put that in
10:08I think we will
10:09I'm meant to be the least annoying
10:10Yeah, you are supposed to be
10:11Yeah
10:12You brought this
10:13Huge mistake
10:14Did you hear that?
10:15Yeah
10:16That's a problem
10:17The ghost of a moorhen
10:18You've got nine minutes left, Stevie
10:19It's not improv it
10:20But it's got to be no more than 100 words
10:21Oh shit
10:22When are you going to write this?
10:23I figured I'd freestyle it
10:24Oh, fine
10:25How much have you written so far, Stevie?
10:27I mean, given that the task centres around not being annoying, you calling back to a moorhead
10:53That wasn't part of the thing
10:56And as for you, you were annoying so many times
10:59I mean, you corrected the grammar on the task
11:03Yeah
11:04It doesn't look good, Jason, but let's see
11:06Am I going first?
11:07Yes, it is first
11:08A man whose co-stars on IMDb will soon read
11:11Keanu Reeves, Mark Wahlberg, Robert De Niro and little Alex Hornet's Jason Mandzukus
11:17This is a folk song for you
11:26Alex, we rode the rails together
11:30Up and down, east and west, north and south
11:36We did it all
11:37From sea to sea, marsh to bog, we made sweet love on a dead mossy log
11:46You're my best friend
11:49And I love you with all of my heart
11:53Alex
11:55Will you marry me?
12:00I don't think so
12:09What?
12:10I don't think so
12:11Barbecue, fast cars or DIY?
12:20Fast train cars
12:21I said we hop trains
12:22Oh, yeah, fast train cars
12:24Pretty sure train cars go probably faster than automobiles
12:29Do you need it spelled out for you?
12:31It's goddamn poetry
12:33Thank you so much, Jason
12:34Thank you, Alex
12:35But you have broken my heart
12:42I found the following things annoying
12:44Your smile
12:46Your confidence
12:47Your tone of voice
12:48The soundtrack you chose
12:50The rhyming scheme
12:51The mawkish insincerity
12:53The proposal
12:54And the smug explanation of your art
12:58And I added a footnote
13:00It wasn't even about fast cars
13:02It was about fucking and marrying my friend
13:05LAUGHTER
13:06Five points
13:08So, so far, so bad
13:10Next up, it's...
13:12I wish I could roll my R's
13:14It's Rosie Ramsey
13:17You ready?
13:18I can't wait
13:24Why do I keep dreaming?
13:27Of being alone with you
13:32Having a barbecue for our tea
13:36LAUGHTER
13:37Sausage burgers, halloumi
13:41We'll be on the menu
13:45Then we'll wash it all down with a Pinot Grinch
13:49It's the best way to eat
13:53Outside on a little seat
13:56Barbecuing is in my blood
13:58My dad is a barbecue stud
14:02In my town
14:07So, why don't you join me?
14:12Grab yourself a sewer
14:15and slide on some of those veggies.
14:30Pretty impressive.
14:32Because I've got a long history of being irritated
14:34when people show us they can sing.
14:37But I didn't find that irritating.
14:39I thought it was genuine.
14:40As you could tell from the studio reaction as well,
14:42all of us enjoyed it.
14:44By stark contrast to Jason's.
14:48That's the first part over.
14:49Time for a little interval.
14:51But there's more camping coming up soon.
14:54Maybe sooner than you think.
14:56Oh, shut up!
14:57You shut up!
15:09So, welcome back to Taskmaster.
15:11Taskmaster is part two and the cast are trying their best not to be annoying.
15:16Perhaps their hardest challenge yet.
15:18Quick reminder then, their song, story or poem must be no more than 100 words.
15:24And once again, it has to be no more than 100 words.
15:28Yes!
15:29Here's Fatia.
15:30And Stevie.
15:31Here's Fatia.
15:32And Stevie.
15:33This is a true story.
15:43Once I was in Morocco and it was Eid, right?
15:50And it was the second Eid, which is the Eid of sacrifice.
15:54So you have to slaughter an animal.
15:56So we slaughtered a goat.
15:57And a goat is my favourite meat.
15:59Do you eat meat?
16:00Yes, I eat meat.
16:01Goat is the best meat.
16:02Don't you think?
16:03Yes.
16:04This is not part of the poem.
16:05It's not a poem.
16:06It's a story.
16:07Am I taking out the goat stuff?
16:08No, no, not the goat.
16:09Just when I asked you if you eat meat.
16:10Right.
16:11OK.
16:12And then, this is for real, yeah, this is what happens at somebody's house.
16:15And it was really nice because it's my favourite meat.
16:18Up to about 90 words now.
16:19OK.
16:20I'm going to carry on.
16:21OK.
16:22Because I've got to finish the story.
16:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:24People want to hear it.
16:25OK.
16:26And then they brought out another tajin because that's what they do in Morocco.
16:27They said, no, I'm full.
16:28She goes, no, you'll really like it.
16:30And then she goes, this is the best meat.
16:32And she went like this.
16:33And the goat that they'd slaughtered had a baby inside.
16:37And that was the baby.
16:38And she went like this.
16:40Like a flag.
16:41And she said, do you want to eat it?
16:42And I said, no, thank you.
16:47Would you not find that scary?
16:48Yeah, yeah.
16:49Yeah.
16:50Innit?
16:51So that's it?
16:52Yeah, that's it.
16:53I think I once saw a ghost.
16:54A barbecue, but I don't know really.
16:59You saw a ghost at a barbecue?
17:00Yeah.
17:01Or maybe I didn't.
17:02Do you want a sausage?
17:03Yeah, I'd love a sausage.
17:04OK, cool.
17:05Yeah.
17:06Gonna get a sausage.
17:07Yeah.
17:08Gonna get a sausage.
17:13Oh, my God.
17:15I see your technique.
17:18Clever.
17:20A ghost story that was neither here nor there, thrown away.
17:22Yeah.
17:23Yeah.
17:24Sometimes people fall at the last hurdle, don't they?
17:25What?
17:26And that sausage song just got to me.
17:28Yeah, I'm gonna get a sausage.
17:30Yeah.
17:31I knew it as well.
17:32I went from 0 to 100 miles an hour.
17:35OK.
17:36It was good, apart from, oh, yeah, I'm gonna get a sausage.
17:39I can't stop singing that.
17:40That's a good song, then.
17:41I'm gonna get a sausage.
17:42I'm gonna get a sausage.
17:43That's a good song, then.
17:44I'm gonna get a sausage.
17:45You love it, but it sounds like you love it.
17:47Now, you, you monster.
17:49I mean, it's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.
17:52Did you mistake ghost story for goat story?
17:55That's the only explanation.
17:59Because there were no ghosts in there, weren't there?
18:02No.
18:03But that was the only scary thing I could think of.
18:06It's just awful.
18:08Was it annoying, though, Rick?
18:10Oh, Christ, yes!
18:12Just checking.
18:13Just checking.
18:14There's only one thing that can make me feel better,
18:16and to make me forget that,
18:17and it's, oh, gonna get us up in here.
18:20It's not like anything to make me forget her.
18:22You'll never forget me.
18:24Oh.
18:25OK, what's next?
18:27Well, finally, his walls have got paint on.
18:29His name is Matt Bainton.
18:30Here we go.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:38All these books and I need a shelf
18:40But the handyman is busy
18:44Guess I'm in a pickle
18:46When it comes to all these books
18:50All these books and I need a shelf
18:53But the handyman's in hospital
18:56Guess I'm in a pickle
18:58Guess I'm in a pickle
18:59When it comes to all these books
19:01We've all been there
19:04With no one to rely on
19:07We've all been there
19:09We don't know what to do
19:13Who can I get to put up my shelf
19:22Guess I better do it myself
19:26Everybody
19:28Who can I get to put up my shelf
19:33Guess I better do it myself
19:38I think I know all the moments you're going to say
19:48There was only one where the Irritatometer started to go
19:52Just only on one and it was just your shrug
19:54That was the only time
19:55You're kidding
19:56What?
19:57Even when I said everybody
19:58Everybody
19:59Who can I get to put up my shelf
20:01Guess I better do it myself
20:02Everybody
20:03Who can I get to put up my shelf
20:05Guess I better do it myself
20:07Who can I get to put up my shelf
20:09And the reprise prompted by everybody
20:10And the reprise prompted by everybody
20:12meant something happened
20:13I'm going to show you the reprise again
20:14Everybody
20:16Who can I get to put up my shelf
20:22Guess I better do it myself
20:28I promise. It's exactly 101 words
20:34Oh!
20:35Everybody!
20:36Everybody!
20:37Everybody!
20:38It makes it less annoying.
20:40I mean, can you imagine writing something that enchanting
20:45and losing to Jason?
20:47So what are we going to do?
20:49We can only allow people to get points who stuck to the word count.
20:52Sa-sa-sa-ge!
20:54You do need to give points out to the other three, though.
20:58Oh, Christ, well, this one shouldn't be too hard.
21:00That means I have to give him three points.
21:03People won't take me seriously as a judge if I give you...
21:06They don't anyway!
21:11For the sake of my credibility, one point.
21:13Goddamn it.
21:15Goddamn you for that shit.
21:17This is appalling treatment of a foreigner on your home.
21:22As is the British way.
21:28Where are we going with the points from here?
21:30She wasn't annoying until the sausage bit at the end,
21:32and I've sort of grown to like the sausage song as well.
21:35Three points.
21:36Well, if she's second, traditionally it's four in second.
21:38All right, I'm changing the system.
21:40I'm giving Jason two points.
21:42Two points to Jess.
21:43Because at least he stuck to the rules,
21:44even though I'm so annoyed with him.
21:46Four points to Stevie and obviously five points to Rosie.
21:49Well done, Rosie Ramsey.
21:50APPLAUSE
21:51Let's have a scoreboard, please.
21:55Sure.
21:56Well, Fatia is on pretty much minimum points too.
21:59Rosie, last week's winner, is in the lead with eight points.
22:01Lovely.
22:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:04One more for your taskmaster.
22:05OK, and here is an arty parked car task.
22:09Ooh.
22:10Oh.
22:11Oh, well, you've won.
22:12Oh, I've won this?
22:13I don't want it.
22:14Please get into the vehicle.
22:15OK.
22:16I haven't passed my driving, er, lessons.
22:19Test.
22:20Oh, I can see it.
22:21There's a twist.
22:22I don't know how to drive.
22:23OK.
22:24But I've got road rage.
22:25Doesn't surprise me.
22:26OK.
22:27Right.
22:28Draw the monster.
22:29You must not turn around or leave the car.
22:32If you fail to honk your horn when you see a lollipop lady,
22:35you must surrender your picture.
22:36Oh, I've won this?
22:37Oh, I've won this?
22:38I don't want it.
22:39Please get into the vehicle.
22:40OK.
22:41I haven't passed my driving, er, lessons.
22:43Test.
22:44Oh, I can see it.
22:45There's a twist.
22:46I don't know how to drive.
22:47OK.
22:48But I've got road rage.
22:49Doesn't surprise me.
22:50OK.
22:51Right.
22:52Draw the monster.
22:53Let's surrender your picture for 30 seconds.
22:57Where's the horn?
22:59And that'll be obvious what a lollipop lady is.
23:02That's not a...
23:03I'm not familiar with the phrase lollipop lady.
23:06What?
23:07Most accurate monster picture wins.
23:10You have five minutes.
23:12Your time...
23:14starts...
23:17now.
23:19I can't see the monster.
23:20You said I'm not allowed to turn around.
23:22Yeah.
23:23Oh, but I can use something else.
23:27Not just a pretty face, innit?
23:31Not just a pretty face, innit?
23:33I was really worried about Stevie's opening statement.
23:37I haven't passed my driving lessons.
23:40I still haven't.
23:42Where's the horn?
23:43I don't...
23:44Yeah.
23:45Non-drivers are a bit weird, right?
23:46I don't really respect myself and have had a real psychological issue with not passing
23:51my test, so thanks.
23:52Oh!
23:53So you have tried?
23:54Oh, I've done about 150 hours and the last lesson I had, I went through a stop sign and went around the roundabout the wrong way and he said...
24:03You said, you cannot do this, why aren't you focusing? And I was focusing so hard and then I started crying and then he took me to McDonald's.
24:11LAUGHTER
24:12APPLAUSE
24:14I'm in chief, Joe, Jason.
24:17Yeah.
24:18What did you think a lollipop lady was selling?
24:20I genuinely had no idea.
24:21I assumed a woman selling lollipops.
24:23LAUGHTER
24:24Which I would absolutely believe is one of the bullshit things that would occur in this country.
24:30LAUGHTER
24:31Let's go.
24:32OK, so here are all five drawing a monster in what I've called a monstage.
24:38So is the... can you tell me about the monster? Can you tell me anything about it?
24:43I've never seen the monster.
24:45That's not a lollipop. OK.
24:48Oh!
24:49Oh, a bird isn't a monster. Erm...
24:53There's more than one!
24:57Is that a monster?
24:58Hold on.
24:59How's your picture?
25:00Those are not monsters.
25:05Oh!
25:06My guess is this is a lollipop lady.
25:11Hello!
25:13Ah!
25:14That's the monster, that's the monster, that's the monster.
25:16OK, that is unequivocally a monster.
25:19What does the monster look like?
25:21Listen, shut your hole, yeah?
25:23Holy shit, why is this person coming here?
25:26Uh, are you away or parked in a no-parking zone?
25:28I mean...
25:29I have no idea.
25:30Well, can I see a driving license?
25:31I'd rather not, thank you.
25:32I don't have one.
25:33Oh, here's...
25:34Here's my wallet.
25:35Brilliant.
25:36That's me.
25:37Is this a recent photograph?
25:38Just...
25:39Just about a year ago.
25:40That's helpful, I see.
25:41I am still gonna have to issue you a parking lot.
25:42Why, bruv?
25:43Why?
25:44Why?
25:45You must turn on your hazard lights within the next 20 seconds.
25:47Or pay a fine of eight pens.
25:48Okay.
25:49Oh, I know, it's this one's.
25:50How are you right?
25:51Well, we've passed the 20 seconds.
25:52What are you talking about?
25:53Eight pens, please.
25:54Okay.
25:55Yeah, just let me...
25:56Okay.
25:57Okay, yeah, just let me...
25:58Okay, yeah, just let me...
25:59Okay, yeah, just let me...
26:00Okay, yeah, just let me...
26:02Oh, I know, it's this one's.
26:03How are you right?
26:04Well, we've passed the 20 seconds.
26:05What are you talking about?
26:06Eight pens, please.
26:07Okay, yeah, just let me...
26:08Oh, come on, mate, I'd love a lift.
26:09Come on in.
26:10Yeah, get in, buddy.
26:11Can I, um, get a lift?
26:12No, bruv, get out.
26:13Two more pens, please.
26:14It's gone.
26:15It's a lollipop monster.
26:16It's a lollipop monster.
26:17Oh, you're not.
26:18I'm not.
26:19I'm not.
26:20I'm not.
26:21I'm not.
26:22I'm not.
26:23I'm not.
26:24I'm not.
26:25I'm not.
26:26I'm not.
26:27I'm not.
26:28I'm not.
26:29I'm not.
26:30It's a lollipop monster.
26:32That is a monster who has ate a lollipop lady.
26:35Okay.
26:36Okay.
26:37Ah!
26:38Are we getting in?
26:39Are we getting in?
26:40Are we getting in?
26:41Oh, go away.
26:42Are we getting in?
26:43Hello, everyone.
26:44Oh, my God.
26:45Jesus Christ.
26:46Hi, guys.
26:47No.
26:48Did you turn that one?
26:49No.
26:50Did you turn that one?
26:51No.
26:52No.
26:53No.
26:54No.
26:55No.
26:56No.
26:57No.
26:58No.
27:05Fairly enchanted reaction from Jason when he realised he'd seen his first lollipop lady.
27:09He started excitedly beeping the horn.
27:12I was delighted that I could figure it out.
27:14Rose, you didn't see the monster on the driving licence.
27:17I have woke up in cold sweats over this task.
27:20Oh, wow.
27:21We were the monsters, weren't we?
27:23Were we meant to just draw ourselves?
27:25Wow.
27:26That's what you've been...
27:27That's what you've been waking up in a course, right?
27:28I mean, of course not.
27:29That's...
27:30Oh, right, OK.
27:31It was a monster, that.
27:32Oh, my God.
27:33No, what you should have been waking up...
27:34Because it was on the licence.
27:35Yes, you were the only person who saw the picture of the thing, so you could have just painted...
27:36Right.
27:37Yes.
27:38What did you think I meant?
27:39But on a deeper level, yes.
27:40Yes.
27:41Yes.
27:42It's not a twist.
27:43The monster was walking around the car.
27:44This is also Taskmaster.
27:45They don't do M. Night Shyamalan style twists.
27:48Yet.
27:49We've been dead the whole time.
27:50What?
27:51I died in the lab on the first task?
27:55We've all given stuff away in our wills.
27:56Yes!
27:57The clothes were there from the very start.
27:58Show me some pictures, young man.
27:59OK, well, I'll show you four of them.
28:00I won't show them.
28:01You're like, oh, I'm sure.
28:02That's right.
28:03You're like, oh, my God.
28:04What?
28:05You're like, let's go.
28:06You're like, oh, my God.
28:07You're like, let's go, let's go.
28:08Oh, my God.
28:09Oh, my God.
28:10Let's go, my God.
28:11I didn't go, if I'm scared.
28:12What?
28:13Oh, my God.
28:14If I was scared, I was scared, he's scared.
28:15Oh, that's my God.
28:16But, let's go.
28:17What?
28:18Oh, that's so stupid, my God.
28:19What?
28:20What?
28:21What do you think?
28:22Show me some pictures, young man.
28:25OK, well, I'll show you four of them. I won't show you Rosie's yet.
28:28This is the first four and the monster. You can see how well they've done.
28:31Fatia's monster hasn't got a head.
28:34Presumably that was consumed as a family meal.
28:39Only one more monster to see.
28:41So this is Rosie's picture of the monster.
28:48Sorry, did you misread the task?
28:50Was it draw the monster as if the monster had fallen off a building?
28:55I just didn't think that was the monster.
28:58And then two weeks later, I thought I was the monster.
29:01Yeah, we know what you thought.
29:03This is confident in me.
29:04He's quite a sassy monster, I'll give you that.
29:06Yeah.
29:07He's quite showbiz, isn't he? He's a bit...
29:09Yeah.
29:11So it is meant to be the most accurate picture of the monster.
29:14So here's all five and you can judge them.
29:16Are we saying that Rosie's is the least accurate?
29:19This seems fair.
29:21So one point to Rosie.
29:22Stevie's one looks like it's got, like, five coats on.
29:25I would have to agree with that, yeah.
29:27One and two points.
29:28Yes, so it's one point to Rosie, two to Stevie.
29:30OK, well, my instinct is that, and feel free to disagree with the logic,
29:34Fatia's monster hasn't got a head.
29:36LAUGHTER
29:37I would probably put her in the third plane.
29:40Listen, you're getting a bit aggressive, OK?
29:43You started as a thoughtful, attentive man, and now you're becoming an arsehole.
29:47Yeah.
29:48Well, isn't that the dreary safari all relationships? Go on.
29:52LAUGHTER
29:53So three points to Fatia, so it's between Jason and Matthews.
29:57Jason has a higher number of arms, but he did get the pink wings,
30:01he got the pink and purple hair.
30:03But did he get the personality?
30:05LAUGHTER
30:07I think Jason's just tipped it, Bob.
30:09OK.
30:10There we are.
30:11So four points to Matthew, five for Jason!
30:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:16OK, I'm afraid it's time for some adverts again.
30:19Alex's plastic slip-on shoes won't pay for themselves!
30:32Hello!
30:33Welcome back, everybody.
30:35APPLAUSE
30:36Next, please.
30:37Yes, it's now time for The Hat in the Lab by Dr Seuss.
30:40Here we go.
30:41BUZZER
30:42BUZZER
30:43BUZZER
30:44BUZZER
30:53Oh, hello!
30:54Mushrooms.
30:55Matthew.
30:56What...what are you doing?
30:58Cooking mushrooms.
31:00BUZZER
31:01BUZZER
31:05BUZZER
31:06BUZZER
31:07BUZZER
31:08Alright, let's do this.
31:09What...why have you got that on your head?
31:11You look like something at Mario Brothers.
31:13What's going on?
31:14Mushroom hat?
31:15Yes, yes.
31:16I like mushrooms.
31:17I like mushrooms a lot.
31:18Yeah, but the only problem is there's never mushroom for anything else.
31:22BUZZER
31:23BUZZER
31:25That's the longest spoon I've ever seen!
31:26BUZZER
31:28Yeah, I don't know where to hold it.
31:29Er, right at the end, like this.
31:31And then just do this. There we go.
31:34Shorten these pencils and place your shortened pencils
31:37in the pencil case.
31:39You have five minutes.
31:40Your time started when you mentioned the hat.
31:42Oh, well, Gordon got me chatting on. Shite.
31:46You're such a prick, bruv. I'll see you.
31:48All right, OK. You've only got three minutes.
31:51I don't know if I mentioned the hat.
31:54I've done it now, haven't I?
31:55You've got five minutes. You've got four minutes.
31:57Your time started when you mentioned the goddamn hat.
31:59Yeah. Yeah, you've got two minutes, Jason.
32:00Son of a bitch.
32:03Oi, that shit stinks. What's going on?
32:05The mushrooms.
32:07All right, we have to provide a pencil sharpener.
32:08Yeah, but that's quicker.
32:10Don't look. Ow!
32:12Look at that. Come on!
32:16You know what I've just thought?
32:18You don't have to make them really short.
32:20That's the best method, isn't it?
32:22Because that is technically shorter.
32:26They're shorter. They are shorter, yeah.
32:28But no-one else is going to eat the pencil.
32:30Ow!
32:31So these are shorter, therefore, I have done the task.
32:33Yeah. And I've won.
32:36You want me to stop the toilet?
32:37Yeah.
32:38Bye.
32:38Oh, not yet, no.
32:39Oh, good. Say bye.
32:41That one as well.
32:42Oh!
32:43Oh, shit.
32:45I really don't like you no more.
32:50Write down every word you said in this room before opening this task.
32:54Also, you must write the same number of words in each colour,
32:57otherwise your total will be halved.
33:00Most accurate, legible words wins.
33:04You must not leave the lab.
33:06Your time started when you started reading this task.
33:08Oh, my God!
33:10Do you remember what you said to me?
33:11I have no fucking idea.
33:12Right.
33:17I mean, in many ways, you've been one of the most affable group of people
33:20we've had on the show, but the naked aggression that's been shown
33:24towards Alex, I so approve of it.
33:26What you called a prick early doors during that.
33:30Sorry.
33:31A son of a bitch.
33:33It's just wonderful stuff.
33:34Was this the first one we filmed?
33:35Yeah. First one.
33:36Oh!
33:37Which means that as soon as he walked in,
33:38the first time he saw me, he threw a bottle at me.
33:40LAUGHTER
33:41Rosie.
33:42Yeah.
33:43On reflection, would you still go with the mushroom gag, or...?
33:45Never.
33:46Never. I was nervous.
33:47Just came out.
33:48Your face said it all afterwards, like,
33:50..ah...
33:51On reflection, Stevie,
33:53would you have bitten the ends off the pencils?
33:56I thought we had to make them as short as humanly possible.
33:59Which, of course, you didn't.
34:00You were just asked to shorten them.
34:01Yes, that... Yes, I misread it.
34:03You actually said at one point, didn't you,
34:05I bet no-one's going to bite the pencil.
34:06Yeah.
34:07Quite proudly.
34:08Yeah, well, I thought...
34:09And the whole world's like, no!
34:10LAUGHTER
34:11Why are you doing that?
34:13Yeah.
34:13Commendably, these four knew that wasn't the task, really.
34:16Didn't say shortest or fastest.
34:17You were quite cleverly not doing what you did.
34:21Yeah, it's not been a great episode for me.
34:23OK.
34:24OK, first up, it's Rose Matafeo.
34:26Sorry, it's Rosie Mattenfateo.
34:28Here we go.
34:30Write down every word you said in this room before opening the task.
34:34I said mush...
34:35I said the joke.
34:37LAUGHTER
34:38The first thing I said was mushrooms.
34:40And after that...
34:42..it's going to go downhill.
34:45What did I call you? A prick? OK.
34:47Mushrooms. Stinky mushrooms.
34:49COOKING MUSHROOMS, I think I said.
34:52And then...
34:53..I think I said the joke wrong.
34:55Did I say you look nice? Something like that?
34:58OK.
35:00It doesn't say you have to write with alternate hands.
35:03Oh, shit, you have to write them in a different colour.
35:11I definitely said more than this.
35:13Quite a lot.
35:13Mm.
35:15Is ha-ha a word?
35:16It's not, is it? Is it a word?
35:19Is it just a saying?
35:20I'm going to take out the ha-has,
35:22but then I need to write something else.
35:24OK, you've got 20 seconds.
35:25Oh, my God!
35:26Isn't it?
35:27That's all I've got, bro, isn't it?
35:29Why do you want an essay?
35:31WHISTLE BLOWS
35:34APPLAUSE
35:37That second part of the task really shines a light
35:40on the old mushroom gag, doesn't it?
35:41Oh, God!
35:42I said it completely wrong.
35:44I don't think I even know the joke properly.
35:45You started adding to it.
35:47Like a true professional.
35:48Have you?
35:49I think you just wrote prick and mushrooms up on that whiteboard, did you?
35:52No, I didn't.
35:53I wrote loads of other stuff.
35:54And I was the only one that did it correct,
35:55because you were supposed to write in the red and the blue,
35:57and I actually did that.
35:58Well, the others did also do that.
36:00Shut up. OK.
36:01The other one was only two who did the same numbers in red as in blue.
36:05So, yes, three of these people will have their numbers half.
36:07Matthew?
36:08Yeah?
36:09You remembered mushroom.
36:10I remembered that I'd walked into the room and said mushroom.
36:14Mushroom, right.
36:15And then you had to guess from that point onwards,
36:18and you guessed that the second thing you would say to Alex was,
36:21you look nice.
36:22LAUGHTER
36:23So, what did Matthew get?
36:24So, he only wrote 14 correct words,
36:27and we have to half that, cos he didn't do the same in red and blue,
36:29so seven is your total.
36:31Rosie?
36:31She wrote down 29 that she had said before,
36:33and she did use the correct ones in red and blue, so pretty good.
36:37And Fatia, 22 correctly.
36:38So far, we've got 29, 22 and seven.
36:41I mean, it did include, if my hijab smells, you will get punched, but...
36:44LAUGHTER
36:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:48Oh, no!
36:49One part to go.
36:50Will someone win and wrestle the final piece of Matt's jigsaw
36:54out of his pocket?
36:55Yes, I know, it's hard to care.
36:57We'll see you in a minute.
36:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:00Hi, hello, welcome back to Taskmaster and the final part of the show.
37:14The five were in the lab where, first of all,
37:17they had to sharpen their pencils.
37:19Oh, yes.
37:20And then they received part two,
37:22where they had to write down every word they said
37:24before they'd open the task.
37:26Ideally, the same number of words in each colour.
37:28Most accurate, legible words wins.
37:30And also, I was on mushrooms.
37:31Last up, it's Steve and Jase.
37:35I have fucked it.
37:38It didn't say shortest pencil wins.
37:39No, and you did say you can use them still.
37:41I can.
37:42Every word I said in this room...
37:44OK, I'm just going to guess.
37:44I probably said the word the, didn't I?
37:46OK, I think I said...
37:48Let's...
37:49do...
37:51this.
37:53Probably.
37:56Hmm.
37:57I've lost the pencil.
37:58I think I'm just doing that with my nail varnish.
38:08Oh.
38:09I mean, it doesn't say it's the pencil.
38:10It just says two different colours.
38:12I've lost the first one.
38:13I'm going to use my nail varnish.
38:14So then I said, write down every word you said in this room before...
38:30Oh, God damn it.
38:33Yeah, you said those after.
38:34I said those after, Alex.
38:36So I'm fucked.
38:37I'm well fucked here.
38:38Well, you can drop things down, I suppose.
38:40I can?
38:40Yeah, you can't leave the room, so you can't get an eraser.
38:42Oh, you're going to use a sandpaper.
38:45I'm assuming this is what the sandpaper is for.
38:47Well, it looks like it.
38:48Mushroom.
38:49I said butter.
38:50Come on.
38:53Pencil cake.
38:54Shit.
38:57How long have I got?
38:5830 seconds.
38:58OK, I'm running out of nail varnish.
39:001, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, no.
39:0915 seconds.
39:10I said spoon.
39:13That's a long spoon, isn't it?
39:14Fuck!
39:15It looks like spoggen.
39:18Ow!
39:23It hurt quite long.
39:27Got it.
39:30I mean, I'm not going to lie, I crushed it.
39:39You had an incredible destructive streak from the first task.
39:44Both incredibly destructive.
39:47Both ended in absolute carnage, but there's a distinction.
39:51This felt willful.
39:53And what I wrote down for you, Stevie, was,
39:56does Stevie need to speak to our after-show support team?
40:00Did either of them get any words?
40:03Jason did do very well.
40:04He did.
40:05He wrote down 34 of the words that he said before,
40:07and that was before he started this clever technique,
40:09which wasn't quite right, but he did really well.
40:10Unfortunately, he didn't do the same in each colour,
40:12so we have to halve it to 17 words.
40:14Stevie, obviously, we feel sad for you.
40:17You also didn't do the same in each colour.
40:19So your 19 words gets halved.
40:20I counted as well.
40:21Yeah, you counted wrong.
40:23Jesus!
40:24So in this task, Matt gets one point, Stevie, you do get two,
40:27Jason, three, four to Fatih, but five to Rosie Ramsey.
40:30Oh, no.
40:33Let's see the scores once more.
40:35Yes, well, Stevie and Fatih in joint fourth on nine,
40:39but incredibly, Jason's in the lead with 15 points.
40:41What?!
40:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:44OK, it's time to head to the stage for the final task of the show!
40:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:58What's cooking, baby boy?
41:00Stevie Martin's going to read out the task.
41:02Stevie Martin, over to you.
41:03Pop a balloon when you hear its colour.
41:05Last to pop is eliminated.
41:08If you pop early, you're eliminated.
41:11Last player standing wins.
41:13Greg's going to read a story out.
41:15OK.
41:15In the story, there will be colours.
41:17When you hear a colour, you've got to pop it.
41:19The last person to pop is out, or if you pop early, you're out.
41:23It might be a homophone of the colour.
41:25He might say the Isle of White, which is not spelt the same as a colour,
41:28but that would count.
41:29And how would you know that?
41:34That... Sorry, that would count?
41:35That would count.
41:36If anyone's worried about the banging of the balloons,
41:38we do have this, but it will interfere with the story, I suppose.
41:42Can I have the...?
41:42Yeah, fair enough.
41:43So, just get ready and pop your biodegradable balloons.
41:46We're ready.
41:47It was the morning of the 46th birthday party of little Alex Horne.
41:52No-one was excited, but it was a beautiful day.
41:55The sky was clear, the sun was bright,
41:59and the grass was looking even more neatly mowed than usual.
42:03As is tradition, the party was held at his local Chesham bowling green.
42:09To start the party.
42:10Damn it!
42:11LAUGHTER
42:17Baddammit.
42:18Baddammit.
42:19Well, a couple of you might be out.
42:22Jason's burst two balloons.
42:23I was going for green and hit yellow by accident.
42:27Did he even say green?
42:31I'm out.
42:32Yes, you're out.
42:33Jason doesn't appear to have many balloons left.
42:35Yeah.
42:38I'm going to have to pop these balloons now, OK?
42:40Can I turn around?
42:41Let me turn around.
42:41Yeah, you turn around.
42:42OK, go on then.
42:42OK.
42:44Ugh!
42:47We have two people in last place.
42:49You ready?
42:49Yeah.
42:50Yeah.
42:50To start the party, Alex read all of his birthday cards.
42:54It was from...
42:58Nice.
42:59Nice.
43:05Oh!
43:06It is my birthday, OK.
43:11Is that what you do when balloons?
43:12I just got a bit horny.
43:17Incredibly, we're already at the final, Greg.
43:21Are you ready?
43:21Yes.
43:22One of his birthday cards was from the mayor and had all of his favourite fruits on.
43:27Apples, a bunch of bananas, and his favourite of the citrus family,
43:31a lovely round...
43:34grapefruit.
43:36Alex heard his phone ring.
43:37Yeah?
43:38He answered.
43:39It was his uncle.
43:41Calling to ask if Alex had opened his small, inexpensive gift.
43:45The signal wasn't great, so Alex had to yell,
43:48Oh, yes!
43:49I did thank you.
43:53I love it!
43:56But that's not a word!
43:59That's not a homophone, that's two separate words.
44:01And I did it second, so I win.
44:03Sorry, I need this.
44:07Other support staff, now, bye.
44:12So, the task was pop the balloon when you hear its colour,
44:14and I guess he did say yellow.
44:16I clearly said yellow.
44:18I've accidentally...
44:21I've accidentally...
44:22Oh, my God!
44:23Oh, my God!
44:24Oh, my God!
44:25Oh, my God!
44:26Oh, my God!
44:27Oh, my God!
44:29Oh, my God!
44:30Oh, my God!
44:31Oh, my God!
44:32I mean, ironically, the most irritating thing he's done so far.
44:37Everybody!
44:38Oh, my God!
44:40Whether it's a sickly kind act of altruism or not, he popped his balloon,
44:45and so I guess that kindness should be rewarded and Stevie should get the point.
44:49Oh, there we go, Stevie gets five points!
44:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:55Come down here, and we'll let those to your final scores!
45:04And a lot happened in that task.
45:06Fatia did a listening task wearing ear defenders,
45:08and still did just as bad as Jason.
45:10Who came joint fourth and get two points each.
45:13Yes!
45:14Then, of course, Rosie was in third, gets three points.
45:16Matthew's demanded to come in second.
45:18He gets four, so Stevie gets the five points.
45:20Well done, Stevie.
45:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:23I don't like it.
45:24I know. Well, I don't like it either,
45:25because it means the final league table looks like this.
45:28We have joint winners now!
45:30Oh, God!
45:31Rosie and Jason.
45:34So we both get all the prizes?
45:36No, what we've got, Jason, is a hole-punch tie-break.
45:39They had to make as many holes in a sheet of paper as possible,
45:42but could only use the hole-punch once.
45:44Most holes wins.
45:46Let's see what happened.
45:52I don't know what I'm doing.
45:57How am I doing on time?
45:58Do it for 30 seconds.
45:5910 seconds.
46:0434.
46:0534 holes.
46:0744.
46:0744 holes.
46:0824 holes.
46:0944 holes.
46:1024 holes.
46:11Jason wins the perfect.
46:12Jason, as you could win!
46:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:16You won't win!
46:17You won't win!
46:18You won't win!
46:19You won't win!
46:20You won't win!
46:21You won't win!
46:22Please go and get us through some of the things you've bestowed in some will!
46:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:29So, what have we learnt today?
46:31Well, I guess we've learnt that people always try their best to be nice,
46:36to be considerate to others.
46:37But sometimes, when we put humans under extreme pressure,
46:41they reveal things that they don't want anyone to know about themselves.
46:46GASP
46:47Maybe we're the monsters.
46:50LAUGHTER
46:52Half done, half to go, but for now, it's all about Jason Mazzucca!
46:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE