brookside 1505 to 1509 prt 1
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00:00♪
00:00:30Audrey, no, please. Please, Audrey, don't, don't. No, please.
00:00:40It's Gina.
00:00:42It's Gina, see, I...
00:00:44Oh, not again. Bing! Bing, wake up!
00:00:47Audrey!
00:00:49No, it's not Audrey. It's me.
00:00:53Oh, my God, I've been having a nightmare.
00:00:55You don't have to tell me. I've been listening to you afternight.
00:00:58And who's Audrey?
00:01:00What? Have I been talking in my sleep or something?
00:01:03Yeah, you kept me awake afternight.
00:01:05I've hardly slept a wink.
00:01:07Oh, it's a quarter past ten.
00:01:09Oh, Lord, how did we manage to sleep till this hour?
00:01:13Cos we were out looking till all hours.
00:01:15We've lost so much time, Sindbad.
00:01:17We should have been out there at the crack of dawn.
00:01:19Not this time yet.
00:01:21Look, it's Christmas Eve, you know.
00:01:23We've got to get back tonight.
00:01:25Look, I reckon we should go back and check the amusement arcade,
00:01:28and if not, that place where they all kip in the boxes.
00:01:31Oh, no. What?
00:01:33I mean, look at this. They're worse than when I put them in there.
00:01:36How can I walk round London in trousers in this state?
00:01:40Well, let's face it, you're not going to cop off with them, are you?
00:01:43Especially not with that Audrey.
00:01:45DOORBELL RINGS
00:01:47Right, all right, I'm coming.
00:01:49What are you doing round here?
00:01:51Have you forgotten it's Christmas Eve?
00:01:53I thought you'd be at the club.
00:01:55So did I, love. So did I.
00:01:57What are you doing round here?
00:01:59Fixing the flaming washer on Lady Penelope's bathtub.
00:02:02Then I've got a list of 90 million other piddling little things
00:02:05that she wants me to do for her.
00:02:07Everything's got to be spot-on for his lordship getting back from Spain.
00:02:11And meanwhile, who's going to help me get all the stuff in for Christmas dinner?
00:02:15Haven't you got it sorted yet?
00:02:17I've got a job as well, you know.
00:02:19I'll finish at dinner, then I want some help.
00:02:21When will that be?
00:02:23When Lady Muck can't think of any more jobs for me.
00:02:26She wants everything perfect.
00:02:28Looks all right to me. Very posh.
00:02:30I bet they're going to be out all over Christmas anyway.
00:02:32Can't see the point in all of this.
00:02:34This is lovely. Did she get all this stuff?
00:02:36No, granted it.
00:02:38Though she's not very keen, it seems.
00:02:40I've heard whispers, stuck-up cow, that she is.
00:02:43I think it's dead smooth.
00:02:45Love the wallpaper.
00:02:47All these wood bits on the arms.
00:02:50Why can't we have our place like this?
00:02:52Because we haven't got grantees' money, have we?
00:02:55It's dead comfy there.
00:02:57We'll make the most of it. I never get the chance to sit in it, me.
00:03:00Too busy running round after her like a blue-arse fly.
00:03:03I could get used to a place like this, you know.
00:03:06Well, back to reality.
00:03:09I'd better get cracking or I don't think I'm skiving off.
00:03:11I'll catch you later.
00:03:13You call for me when you're finished.
00:03:15No sloping off on the air with your mate. We've got a lot to do.
00:03:19Oh, there you are. I bet you this is her.
00:03:21Oh, James, if you get the chance,
00:03:23could you just wash through a few smalls for me?
00:03:26I'll see you later, eh?
00:03:33Hello.
00:03:35Oh, Barry. All right. How you doing, mate?
00:03:41Yeah?
00:03:45I thought you'd fallen asleep.
00:03:47We've got to go soon.
00:03:49What's that you got?
00:03:51It's just a picture of me and my sister, me mum and dad.
00:03:53Oh, no, no, don't show us.
00:03:59Hey, your dad looks like a nice bloke.
00:04:01He was. He was brilliant, better than my mum.
00:04:05Oh, she looks nice.
00:04:07No, not as good as me dad.
00:04:09Who's that?
00:04:11That's our bear.
00:04:13I knew it wasn't your real name the minute you told me.
00:04:17So, come on, what is your real name?
00:04:19Rachel.
00:04:21What? That's a cracking name.
00:04:23Why didn't you tell me?
00:04:25Cos you didn't trust me, that's why, isn't it?
00:04:28Rachel.
00:04:30I'm sorry. I suppose I didn't.
00:04:32Ah, never mind.
00:04:34So, you ready to go, then?
00:04:36Yeah, I suppose so.
00:04:38Oh, what's up? It is Christmas Eve.
00:04:41I was just thinking about going home for Christmas.
00:04:43But why? Your new life starts today.
00:04:46I don't know. I'm just missing our bear from my mum a bit.
00:04:49Well, I mean, I thought you didn't get on with it.
00:04:52I know, but...
00:04:54Look, all right,
00:04:56what would you be doing if you were home right now?
00:04:59I don't know.
00:05:01Come on, think.
00:05:03I suppose I'd probably be hoovering round with my mum or doing some shopping.
00:05:06Right, so dead exciting, then, eh?
00:05:08No way.
00:05:10But instead, this Christmas Eve, you're down in London,
00:05:13you're going to a party in a hotel, even earning a few quid.
00:05:17Well, what's best, eh?
00:05:18London.
00:05:19What, too right?
00:05:20So, how do I look, then?
00:05:22Oh, you look brilliant.
00:05:25Just one thing.
00:05:32This makes you look too old.
00:05:35Oh, when I look older, don't I?
00:05:37You know I'm not old enough to serve drinks.
00:05:39Stop worrying about that.
00:05:41My guess, I want to see a nice, young smile.
00:05:44Not lots of lipstick and stuff.
00:05:48There.
00:05:50The real Beth.
00:05:52Sorry, Rachel.
00:05:59Well, thanks anyway.
00:06:05No, thanks anyway.
00:06:07No, it is not.
00:06:08Nothing. Come on, let's try down there.
00:06:10Right.
00:06:16I thought you were going to clean the windows.
00:06:18I'm still fixing your bathtub.
00:06:20Well, perhaps you can get the shopping in from the car.
00:06:23Honestly, sometimes I don't know what you do with your time.
00:06:28Where exactly have you been, Dave, since I've been out?
00:06:30I've had Barry on the phone for the last 20 minutes, haven't I?
00:06:33Where is he? Is he on his way back? Has he left Spain?
00:06:36He said that he wouldn't be back for Christmas.
00:06:39Why? What did he say?
00:06:41He said to tell you that hopefully he'll be back sometime on Boxing Day.
00:06:44End of message.
00:06:46Is he ringing back?
00:06:47No, I don't think so.
00:06:49Well, where's his phone number?
00:06:51Well, he's not at Oscars. He's in a hotel somewhere, isn't he?
00:06:54Said he couldn't leave Terry.
00:06:55It's always Terry. Which hotel?
00:06:57Well, I don't know. He never said.
00:06:59Didn't you ask?
00:07:00Well, I didn't think.
00:07:01That's your problem, isn't it? You never think.
00:07:03DOORBELL RINGS
00:07:09Oh, hi. I need to get the take-in before I go to the restaurant,
00:07:12so I need to borrow some stuff.
00:07:14Look, Barry's just phoned. He's not going to make it for Christmas. Come in.
00:07:17Well, why not? I mean, we're booked solid over for holidays.
00:07:19I mean, doesn't he know that?
00:07:21I didn't take the call, or I might have asked for the number of the hotel he was staying at.
00:07:24Well, why isn't he coming back?
00:07:26Well, he said he had things to do with Terry, didn't he?
00:07:28Well, look, I can't interrogate me own boss, you know.
00:07:31Oh, just go and get that bloody shopping in.
00:07:33Well, it's a bit strong, isn't it?
00:07:35Just do as you're told, please.
00:07:38HE SIGHS
00:07:40Well, that was a bit rough on him, wasn't it?
00:07:43Yes, I know, but why didn't he take the number?
00:07:46I'd at least like Barry to explain himself.
00:07:48I mean, after all the trouble I've gone to to get this place just right
00:07:51for his coming back and he goes and does something like this.
00:07:54I mean, what sort of Christmas am I going to have now?
00:07:56He said he's not coming back till Boxing Day.
00:07:58Oh, by the way, Max, Barry said to tell you
00:08:01that he wants you to keep an eye on the club while he's away.
00:08:03He what? What's what he said?
00:08:05He's a cheek, a bare-faced cheek.
00:08:07I mean, who the hell does he think I am?
00:08:09I'm not some lackey running after him like a poodle.
00:08:11Just passing the message, John.
00:08:13But that is totally outrageous.
00:08:15I mean, he disappears off the face of the earth
00:08:17and he expects me to run his business as well as my own.
00:08:19What else did he say?
00:08:21Well, er, nothing. Just said he was a bit worried, you know,
00:08:23about punch-ups and things like that at the club over Christmas.
00:08:26Punch-ups? What the...?
00:08:28No way. I am far too busy.
00:08:30Jimmy, you'll have to do it.
00:08:32Er, hang on, let's just get this right.
00:08:34You're saying that you want me to keep an eye on the club?
00:08:36I don't care what you do. Just make sure everything's all right.
00:08:39I know nothing about nightclubs.
00:08:41And I'm telling you, as of now, you are in charge.
00:08:44Right, so you're giving me the go-ahead to be the manager of the club while Barry's away?
00:08:47Whatever. Just do it. Fine.
00:08:49Er, sorry, I haven't got time to unload the car.
00:08:52Got a club to run.
00:08:55Oh, and, er, listen, by the way,
00:08:57all the best, eh?
00:09:00I thought they were all mates of yours.
00:09:02They're dead old.
00:09:03I think it's cos you're dead young. They just look old.
00:09:06They're not old.
00:09:07They're still friends of mine.
00:09:09I don't know what to do.
00:09:11It's a doddle.
00:09:13All you do is walk around asking anybody if they'd like a drink,
00:09:16and then you get it from the table over there.
00:09:19The main thing is to be nice.
00:09:21If they talk to you, smile.
00:09:23And try and talk back.
00:09:25I don't know if I can. What do I talk about?
00:09:27You can do it. Just answer their questions.
00:09:31Julie.
00:09:34I'm sure Rachel Higgins loves me.
00:09:36Oh, come on.
00:09:38Enjoy yourself. It's Christmas.
00:09:43Sam, I wasn't expecting you.
00:09:45Just a quick little visit.
00:09:46Oh, Max, give us a hand, will you?
00:09:48What's all this, then?
00:09:49Ah, well...
00:09:52A little something for your Christmas stocking.
00:09:54For me?
00:09:55Merry Christmas.
00:09:56Oh, you shouldn't have it.
00:09:58It's far too extravagant.
00:10:00It's all very nice, though, isn't it?
00:10:01Oh, you shouldn't. You really shouldn't.
00:10:03I mean, I haven't even got you a card or a pair of socks.
00:10:06Nonsense. Now, then, give me a hand.
00:10:08What for?
00:10:09And shut your eyes.
00:10:11Go on, keep them shut and come outside.
00:10:13This is silly.
00:10:14Come on.
00:10:16Here we go.
00:10:22This is madness.
00:10:23What are we doing?
00:10:25No peeping.
00:10:29What's he doing?
00:10:30Don't ask me.
00:10:33OK, Pen.
00:10:34Open your eyes.
00:10:36Merry Christmas.
00:10:39I don't believe it!
00:10:41He is trained, isn't he?
00:10:42Oh, Sam, a chestnut!
00:10:44Yeah, one three-quarter bread hunter.
00:10:46He's not called Wilbur, is he?
00:10:48Oh, I think I mean Mr Ed.
00:10:50Actually, he's called Kerry.
00:10:52This is crazy.
00:10:53I mean, the expense.
00:10:54It's, well, completely over the top.
00:10:56That's Sam.
00:10:57No, no, it isn't.
00:10:58You told me how much you missed riding.
00:11:00I thought you'd like the opportunity to ride whenever you like.
00:11:02Of course you can stay rent-free at my place.
00:11:04I don't think you'd like it too much in the back garden here.
00:11:06Oh, what can I say?
00:11:08Thank you, Sam.
00:11:09Merry Christmas.
00:11:10And you, Max.
00:11:11Merry Christmas.
00:11:12Any sign of your errant partner?
00:11:14Yes, he's been in touch this morning.
00:11:16He can't make it home for Christmas,
00:11:18staying abroad till Boxing Day.
00:11:20Well, that offer of mine is still open.
00:11:22Would you like to come to Southport for Christmas?
00:11:24Well, I don't fancy rattling around here on my own.
00:11:29Yes, why not?
00:11:30Thank you, Sam.
00:11:31I'd love to.
00:11:32Great.
00:11:33I wouldn't be able to make it till after work tonight, though.
00:11:35Oh, no worries.
00:11:37Come on, Kerry.
00:11:40Come on.
00:11:42And don't forget to bring some carrots for this fella.
00:11:44Look, are you sure you're doing the right thing?
00:11:46I mean, if Barry found out...
00:11:49I'm afraid after what happened this morning, that's Barry's problem.
00:11:52I don't see why I shouldn't have a nice Christmas.
00:11:58Everything going OK?
00:12:00Fine, yeah.
00:12:01Good. Everyone being nice to you?
00:12:02Yeah.
00:12:03Well, er, I thought you might like a drink, being Christmas is there.
00:12:07And I'd like you to meet some special friends of mine.
00:12:09Who?
00:12:10Oh, just some friends.
00:12:12I know you want your wages, though, so, er...
00:12:17Here you go.
00:12:19Wow, £20?
00:12:20Yeah, yeah, you deserve it.
00:12:23Look, I won't be a minute.
00:12:26£20?
00:12:32Hiya.
00:12:33This is Roger.
00:12:34You'll help me sub to Boots, won't you?
00:12:38Well, what's he doing in here?
00:12:43He just wants to have a drink and a talk with you.
00:12:45It's all part of your new job.
00:12:48You'll need these, though.
00:12:52Best be safe, eh, Roger?
00:12:54Erm, I'm just going to have to go to the toilet.
00:12:56Don't be silly, Rachel.
00:12:57No, I should have gone before. I'm desperate, honest.
00:13:00You've got one minute, all right? And then it's back to work.
00:13:03I'll only be a minute.
00:13:04One minute.
00:13:08These spring chickens, eh?
00:13:22So, what's Maguire doing here, then?
00:13:25Here?
00:13:26Well, return tonight. I saw him driving off.
00:13:29He just came to ask after Rachel.
00:13:32He's very friendly, I don't think.
00:13:36Really, he's not all that bad, you know.
00:13:47Come on.
00:14:13Well, well, Beth, what a surprise.
00:14:16Just packing up for the holidays, getting my shopping home and that.
00:14:19I'll just try and take it off.
00:14:21Why are you still bothering Mum?
00:14:23Now, why would I want to do that?
00:14:24Oh, don't act so innocent. I saw you drive off about an hour ago.
00:14:27Why are you still pestering her when she's paid you off?
00:14:30Paid me off?
00:14:31Yeah, she paid you off out of a win at bingo.
00:14:34Oh, yeah, the big bingo win, of course.
00:14:36So why are you trying to get her into debt again?
00:14:38I'm not.
00:14:39I just called round to see if you'd heard from your sister.
00:14:41And what about the other times? You never await.
00:14:44I'm quite fond of your mum and I've got to know you all quite well.
00:14:47Yeah, well, I wish you hadn't. We don't want you hanging round the floor.
00:14:50Now, don't you think that's your mother's decision and not yours?
00:14:53She's not borrowing any more money off you.
00:14:55I don't want to lend her any more money.
00:14:57Then why keep coming round?
00:14:59Because I like her.
00:15:01And we...
00:15:03..we have more than a borrower-lender relationship.
00:15:07What do you mean by that?
00:15:09I don't want to discuss this with you, Beth.
00:15:11Well, I want to know what you mean.
00:15:13If you want to discuss me and your mother, ask her.
00:15:16But I'm afraid it's none of your business, sweetheart.
00:15:18Now, that's the end of it.
00:15:20I've got to go. Merry Christmas. Have a good one.
00:15:30Ah, ah, ah, ah!
00:15:32Sorry, Maxie, we're closed.
00:15:33I need stuffing.
00:15:34Yeah, you said it, Maxie.
00:15:36Sage and onion. I'll only be a minute.
00:15:38Maxie, aren't I entitled to Christmas Eve off?
00:15:40No, no, look, Jean sent this round. It's your panto costume.
00:15:43She's finished with the alterations. Shall I send it back?
00:15:45Er, just hang on. Is that me cosy?
00:15:47There you go.
00:15:48I've been dying to try this on.
00:15:49Now, about that stuffing.
00:15:51Listen, can you just hang on a minute? I'll put this on.
00:15:53You can tell me what my costume looks like.
00:15:57I, er, I hear Patricia's dad and Sinbad are in London
00:16:00looking for the Jordache girl. Any news?
00:16:02No, not so far. They're stuck overnight.
00:16:04Oh, what sort of a Christmas will it be for poor Mansie, eh?
00:16:07Now, if I can have that packet of stuffing.
00:16:09Yeah, the thing is, love, we've already cashed up, you know.
00:16:12Well, I could owe you till after the holidays.
00:16:14Oh, all right. I'll just check with him first.
00:16:16Ron! Ron!
00:16:18I'll swing for him.
00:16:22Oh, Ron, it's perfect. It's just you.
00:16:25If he thinks I'm going out dressed like this in public,
00:16:28he's got another thing coming.
00:16:30He's Comby, you know.
00:16:31He's stitched me up, that father-in-law of yours.
00:16:33He has, he's stitched me up.
00:16:40Where have you been?
00:16:43To see Kenny McGuire in his new office.
00:16:45What? What did you go there for?
00:16:48Because I want to know why he keeps bothering you.
00:16:51Oh, why do you do that?
00:16:53I've just told you I want to know why he keeps coming round to you.
00:16:56He just does. He's...
00:16:58Well, he's a friend, sort of.
00:17:00How can a creep like that be a friend?
00:17:02You don't know. You don't know how considerate he can be.
00:17:06No, but I know that he's screwed a lot of money out of you.
00:17:09How can he be a friend of me? What is the attraction?
00:17:12This is silly. You're being ridiculous.
00:17:15It means nothing when he comes round here.
00:17:19You're not seeing him, are you?
00:17:21No.
00:17:22What am I supposed to think? If he's not coming here to collect money
00:17:25and you're not getting another loan off him, then you must be seeing him.
00:17:28It's not what you think it isn't.
00:17:30Then what is it then?
00:17:31It's Christmas Eve and your sister is missing in London.
00:17:34How can you accuse me of all sorts of stupid ideas you've got in your head?
00:17:37Just leave me alone, please.
00:17:45Oh!
00:17:46How's it going, Mum?
00:17:47Oh, God, Ed. Nearly gave me a heart attack there.
00:17:50Sorry.
00:17:54Need a hand?
00:17:55Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.
00:17:57Still don't know whether Ali deserves this or not.
00:18:00I mean, after what he's put us through.
00:18:02Yeah, it crossed my mind and all.
00:18:04Mind you, what if we didn't give him anything?
00:18:06That might make things worse. What would he do next?
00:18:08Oh, I don't know.
00:18:09Oh, come on, love.
00:18:11Lighten up, eh?
00:18:12It's Christmas. You're going to make the most of it.
00:18:15It's hard, though, isn't it?
00:18:16And Carl working over the holidays.
00:18:19Lay and everything.
00:18:21I mean, we won't even see Becca.
00:18:23Sarah's not coming up?
00:18:24No.
00:18:25Carl phoned her this morning. She doesn't want to know.
00:18:27Great.
00:18:29So, are we going to give him this, then?
00:18:32Yeah, I reckon so.
00:18:34Let's try and put all this behind us, eh?
00:18:36Not that easy, though, is it?
00:18:38Rachel's still missing.
00:18:40Look, I know it sounds hard, love,
00:18:42but we've got to think about Ali first.
00:18:45Yeah.
00:18:46OK.
00:18:59Hello, Mum.
00:19:01Rachel!
00:19:03Beth! Beth, she's back!
00:19:05PHONE RINGS
00:19:07Hello? Sinbad, Rachel's back. She's OK.
00:19:16See you later.
00:19:18Bing, Rachel's home and she's safe.
00:19:22Thank God for that.
00:19:24Where's she been?
00:19:25Well, I don't know all the details,
00:19:26but at least she's back home and she's safe.
00:19:28Right, let's get a taxi to Houston and get home.
00:19:30It's Christmas.
00:19:31Yeah, come on, mate.
00:19:33Thanks very much for coming.
00:19:35Barmaid said you wanted to see me?
00:19:37Yes.
00:19:38Listen, I've got a club to run now, you know.
00:19:40I can't be coming round here doing any more odd jobs for you.
00:19:43I realise that and I'm sorry about earlier.
00:19:45I'd like to apologise for snapping at you.
00:19:48That's OK.
00:19:49I was a bit upset because Barry isn't coming home.
00:19:52I suppose, yeah.
00:19:54Well, as he's not going to be here,
00:19:55I've decided to spend the holiday with friends in Southport.
00:19:58Oh, very nice.
00:19:59And I was wondering if I gave you the keys,
00:20:01whether you could look after the house while I'm away,
00:20:03you know, make sure the place is warm,
00:20:05if you're not too busy with your club work, that is.
00:20:08Oh, I suppose I can manage, yeah.
00:20:10Good.
00:20:11And I'd be really grateful if you could take all the food and things I've bought.
00:20:15They'll just go to waste otherwise.
00:20:17The food? Er...
00:20:19Yeah, I suppose I can, yeah.
00:20:21Right, that's settled, then.
00:20:23I'll be going to Southport straight from the restaurant tonight, OK?
00:20:26Yeah, no problems, love, no problems.
00:20:28DOORBELL RINGS
00:20:32I'll leave my husband there.
00:20:34Oh, yes, come in.
00:20:36Right, well, I must be off.
00:20:38Oh.
00:20:39Spare keys are in the kitchen drawer, do you mean?
00:20:41Nice one. Hey, all the best, eh, Pen?
00:20:43Merry Christmas, both of you.
00:20:45What a bloody hell are you playing at?
00:20:47I wanted you for shopping and your auntie is sucking up to her again.
00:20:50Oh, no, love.
00:20:51She's the one doing the sucking up.
00:20:53She's just apologised for treating me like muck.
00:20:56Well, you'd better start sucking up to me, hadn't you?
00:20:58Cos we've got no food in for Christmas Day.
00:21:00Never mind.
00:21:01What do you mean, never mind?
00:21:02What I say, never mind.
00:21:04Look at this locket.
00:21:06Lady Muck has gone to stay with mates, hasn't she, eh?
00:21:09Posh mates of hers.
00:21:10And she wants me to look after the house.
00:21:13She even wants us to eat all the food that she's got in her now.
00:21:16Are you joking? I'm not.
00:21:18What a Christmas, eh, love?
00:21:19Forget the shopping, cos we've got it all here, haven't we?
00:21:21And a nice luxury house to eat it in and all.
00:21:24Whoa!
00:21:26It's unbelievable.
00:21:27Muck, this is our year, I tell you.
00:21:29I can feel it in me water.
00:21:30Merry Christmas, eh?
00:21:32Merry Christmas to you.
00:21:34Whoa!
00:21:39This is so humiliating.
00:21:41How did I know that all the trains coming out of Euston were going to be chocker?
00:21:45I mean, it is Christmas Eve, isn't it?
00:21:47It's a marvellous way to spend it.
00:21:49This rope would be lucky to get back for New Year's.
00:21:56Well, we were here on a mercy mission, weren't we?
00:21:58You did offer to come, you know.
00:22:00Yes, yes, I know.
00:22:02At least she's safe.
00:22:05Never mind.
00:22:06Soon be back home with the wife, eh?
00:22:09And a nice warm bed.
00:22:12Dreaming about Audrey.
00:22:14Ha-ha.
00:22:15Ha-ha-ha-ha.
00:22:22Have you any idea what you've put us through?
00:22:25We've had the police round, it's been in the papers, we've been worried sick.
00:22:29All right, all right.
00:22:30No, it's not all right.
00:22:32I mean, where have you been? What have you been doing?
00:22:35Well, I'm back now, aren't I?
00:22:37Is that all you can say?
00:22:38What do you expect me to say?
00:22:41Mum?
00:22:44I'm sorry.
00:22:46I'm so sorry. I...
00:22:49I've just been worried sick.
00:22:51Anything could have happened to you down there.
00:22:53Come here.
00:22:55Can we please just forget any problems we've got for now?
00:22:58It is Christmas.
00:23:02Happy Christmas.
00:23:05Yeah.
00:23:06Happy Christmas.
00:23:15MUSIC
00:23:28Brookside the magazine is out now with features and profiles on the cast.
00:23:32Price £1.95 on sale in the shops.
00:23:44MUSIC
00:24:14MUSIC
00:24:45Jimmy? Is that you?
00:24:48Yeah.
00:24:50You all right, love?
00:24:52Where have you been?
00:24:53Seeing a man about a dog.
00:24:55Meaning?
00:24:57What'd I say?
00:24:58Listen, I've got a little surprise for you.
00:25:02Come on, girl.
00:25:06Oh, my God!
00:25:08Great, isn't she?
00:25:09Get it off me!
00:25:10Get it off me!
00:25:13One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
00:25:17One, two, three, kiss.
00:25:20Out, kiss.
00:25:21And turn.
00:25:24Mr Spalter, if you kick after two steps instead of three,
00:25:26then you're going to go flying.
00:25:28Takes you back, doesn't it?
00:25:29It certainly does.
00:25:31Do you remember that production of Romeo and Juliet?
00:25:36How did I forget?
00:25:38Partying is such sweet...
00:25:40Say it again.
00:25:41..wonderful entertainment.
00:25:44Happy days again.
00:25:46DO-RE-MI-FA-SO-LA-TI-DO
00:25:56And he says, that ain't nothing like a dame.
00:25:58And I say, yeah, and I bet you've never seen a dame like that before, have you?
00:26:05Well, surely nothing can go wrong now.
00:26:07Good Christmas, Major.
00:26:09Jean?
00:26:10Fine.
00:26:11Once Dr Livingstone here got back from his travels.
00:26:15You?
00:26:16Quiet, you know.
00:26:18Ah!
00:26:20I told you, three steps, then kiss.
00:26:23Excuse me.
00:26:26So, any chance of a slightly more intimate yuletide greeting?
00:26:31Hey, Bing, could you give us a hand a minute, mate?
00:26:33This bra stuff's giving me jip.
00:26:35Sorry, Audrey. Needs a mask, you know.
00:26:41Hey! Hey! Drop! Drop!
00:26:45Good girl, yes!
00:26:47Where did it come from, Jimmy?
00:26:49Oh, love, she's a Christmas reject.
00:26:52Meets a man, owes her as a prezzie, you know, for his kids.
00:26:55Only, er, she went missing.
00:26:57They found her halfway down the street, sellotaped to a skateboard.
00:27:00So we thought it best to get rid.
00:27:02So Muggan's got roped in, does he?
00:27:04Oh, he's not.
00:27:06I said you was one to the little dog.
00:27:08Yeah, but not some scabby mongrel.
00:27:10Don't be saying that.
00:27:11Hey, she's a pedigree, eh?
00:27:13Look, see? Got a little bit of the boxer in her, haven't you, eh?
00:27:16Haven't you?
00:27:17Just cos it looks like it's gone 15 rounds with Mo Amidale,
00:27:20he doesn't make us a boxer.
00:27:21Don't be saying that, you're gonna hurt her feelings.
00:27:23Oh, God, give me a stretch.
00:27:27Can we keep it? Can we, please?
00:27:29Please, please, please?
00:27:30Please, please, please?
00:27:33You feed us, you wash us, you walk us.
00:27:36Yes, no sweat.
00:27:39So has it got a name, then?
00:27:41Oh, I don't know.
00:27:44What do you reckon?
00:27:47Do you think that's a hint?
00:27:49Yeah, I think.
00:27:50Happy Christmas, cracker!
00:27:52Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:27:58Working hard, Major?
00:28:00Oh, just dotting the i's and crossing the t's, that's all.
00:28:03You, er, you couldn't come to my aid for a second, could you?
00:28:07Yes, yes, of course. What is it you want?
00:28:09It's just that, um, I've got this piece of mistletoe
00:28:12and nobody to share it with.
00:28:14Really? Look, Audrey, this is hardly the time for this.
00:28:17Oh, Major, I do wish we could spend all our Christmases together.
00:28:21Good grief, woman, please!
00:28:23Ah, so this is where you've been hiding, is it, eh?
00:28:25Lord!
00:28:28Oh!
00:28:29Oh!
00:28:30Oh!
00:28:31Oh!
00:28:32Oh!
00:28:33Tune it up, will you? Tune it up!
00:28:36Oh!
00:28:37Oh!
00:28:38Oh!
00:28:39Oh!
00:28:40Oh!
00:28:41Oh!
00:28:42Oh!
00:28:43Oh, I'm sorry, Audrey!
00:28:44Oh!
00:28:45Oh!
00:28:46Oh!
00:28:52Who turned the bleeding lights off?
00:28:56Hi, I'm, er, I'm looking for the boss.
00:28:58Look no further.
00:29:00Oh, pleased to meet you.
00:29:02Yeah, seasons, greetings, all that, you know.
00:29:05Nice mutt.
00:29:07So?
00:29:08I believe you've been away.
00:29:10What have I have?
00:29:12Sorry, not much of a break, then.
00:29:16Are you some sort of comedian?
00:29:18No, I'm not expressing myself very well.
00:29:20The name's Sam Martin.
00:29:22Yeah, and I'm...
00:29:23A very hard man to track down, Mr Grant.
00:29:26Oh, er, yeah, well, it's all go, innit?
00:29:29Oh, I know the feeling.
00:29:31Hey, er, Joe, do you fancy giving my office just a quick clean?
00:29:34They'll have...
00:29:35Go on, good girl.
00:29:38Not a bad little venue, this.
00:29:40Yeah, yeah, it's all right, isn't it?
00:29:42So, er, what can I do for you, Mr Martin?
00:29:45Sam.
00:29:46Oh, Sam, yeah, yeah, and I'm, er, Barry.
00:29:48Oh, peanuts.
00:29:50The thing is, er, I've got a proposition for you.
00:29:54Oh, yeah?
00:29:55PHONE RINGS
00:29:56Sorry.
00:30:00Yo.
00:30:01Speaking.
00:30:03Oh, all right, Jane, love you.
00:30:05Oh, aye.
00:30:09Er, yeah, well, I don't know about that.
00:30:11But the electrics have gone.
00:30:13We are in complete darkness.
00:30:17Just for charity, you know.
00:30:19I don't suppose your bar takings would come to any harm?
00:30:24We can?
00:30:26Oh, that's wonderful. Thank you, Jimmy.
00:30:28Bye.
00:30:29We're in.
00:30:30Thank God for that.
00:30:32Sorry about that, Sam.
00:30:34Local charity in need of a favour, you know.
00:30:37I'm a man out of my own heart.
00:30:39It's good to put a bit back into the community, don't you think?
00:30:42It's right.
00:30:43Anyway, you were about to, er, proposition me.
00:30:47So I was.
00:30:49Look, what I've got to say might take a bit of digesting.
00:30:52Why don't I take you out to lunch
00:30:54and we can chew things over with a glass of wine?
00:30:57Sounds good to me.
00:30:59Oh.
00:31:01Nice.
00:31:03Didn't see this with your other presents, didn't you?
00:31:06To Beth, happy Crimwell of Mike.
00:31:08You don't like that, is it?
00:31:10No, it's not.
00:31:11Well, it's still just good friends.
00:31:13Yes, thank you.
00:31:15So Mike's bought all his friends sexy underwear, has he?
00:31:18More? Sorry.
00:31:20Right, I'd better go and sort out Miss Prim's washing.
00:31:25Top up?
00:31:26Just a very small one.
00:31:28And what was on your Christmas Day menu, then?
00:31:30An intimate little turkey for two?
00:31:32Hardly. Sam had a whole crowd of people over.
00:31:34Oh, dear.
00:31:35Oh, no, it was great. I met all sorts of new people.
00:31:38Of the non-Barry variety?
00:31:40Of the 40-something-actually-got-a-bit-in-common-with-me variety.
00:31:43So where's Mr Wonderful now, then? Mucking out the horses?
00:31:46No, we've been press-gangling to showing our faces at David's Panto.
00:31:49Oh, join the club.
00:31:51So I think he's going to meet me round here.
00:31:53Is that wise?
00:31:55Why not?
00:31:56Well, if Barry turns up on the doorstep.
00:31:59What if?
00:32:00Well, do we all want to be seen together
00:32:02before we've got the chance to explain?
00:32:04Oh, don't worry.
00:32:05Sam's on his way round to the looth, even as we speak.
00:32:08He what?
00:32:10He thought it'd be best if he explained the buyout deal to Barry himself.
00:32:13You know, make things less personal.
00:32:15You can't just...
00:32:17We hadn't planned what we were going to say.
00:32:20Sam's thought it all through.
00:32:21Yeah, but I haven't.
00:32:23You're not backing out, are you?
00:32:24No.
00:32:25No, I just don't fancy being kneecap for New Year.
00:32:28It'll be fine.
00:32:29I think we'd better go round there and stop him.
00:32:31Why?
00:32:32Because I know Barry Grant.
00:32:33If you're going to tell him he's been had,
00:32:35then you've got to pick the right moment.
00:32:36And this is not it.
00:32:43Let's get going, eh?
00:32:44Don't know about you, I'm starving.
00:32:46Just want to say thank you.
00:32:47You saved the day.
00:32:48Oh, any time.
00:32:52All right, Bing?
00:32:53Thought you'd had the pant holes done.
00:32:54We had a bit of a wiring problem back at base
00:32:58to relocate the hose from down to the light rail.
00:33:00Oh, dear.
00:33:01Well, tell you what,
00:33:02do you need a hand lugging any of the gear over?
00:33:03Oh, yes.
00:33:04Thank you, senpai.
00:33:05That would be much appreciated.
00:33:06Yeah.
00:33:07You mucking in, Jim?
00:33:09Er, can't.
00:33:10Business lunch.
00:33:13Oh!
00:33:15Jim?
00:33:16Er, yeah.
00:33:18Everyone's Jim up here.
00:33:20Scousers.
00:33:21You know.
00:33:24There you are.
00:33:26Oh, nice outfit.
00:33:27You nervous, mate?
00:33:28You're sweating cobs.
00:33:31Oh, yeah.
00:33:37Sam?
00:33:38Oh, my God!
00:33:40Oh, well, that's that, then.
00:33:47The grata garbo's finished in the bathroom.
00:33:49Oh.
00:33:51Do you want a hand?
00:33:52No, thanks.
00:33:54What's the matter?
00:33:59These.
00:34:00I found them in Rachel's coat pocket.
00:34:02Really?
00:34:03What's she doing with condoms?
00:34:05I don't know.
00:34:06I haven't even talked to her properly about the shoplifting yet,
00:34:08and now this.
00:34:09Well, they've still got the wrapper on.
00:34:11Maybe they're just an unwanted present from Lee.
00:34:13Some hope.
00:34:15Well, what are you going to do?
00:34:16Well, I'll have to sit her down
00:34:18and ask her what really went on in London.
00:34:20Trouble is, I'm scared to hear the answer.
00:34:25Some Christmas, hey?
00:34:27Yeah.
00:34:28What with the runaways, loan sharks and window cleaners.
00:34:33You know, I didn't notice anything under the tree from Sinbad.
00:34:36I thought we'd have at least called round for a mince pie or something.
00:34:39And we know what thought did.
00:34:41Well, why hasn't he been round?
00:34:43Is it something to do with Kelly Maguire?
00:34:44No, it's not.
00:34:46Well, it's just that...
00:34:47Look, look, I fell out with Sinbad over the way,
00:34:49charged in here and brought the house without even telling us.
00:34:51That's all. It's got nothing to do with Kelly Maguire.
00:34:53So please leave it.
00:34:54And more important things to worry about.
00:34:56Like who your sister might be sleeping with.
00:35:07Well, Sam?
00:35:11I'm all ears.
00:35:12OK, Barry.
00:35:13Now, you strike me as a straight-talking kind of guy,
00:35:16so I'd like to lay it all out for you up front.
00:35:19Go on.
00:35:20I've been taking a close look at your restaurant.
00:35:23Oh, aye?
00:35:24And I like what I see.
00:35:26Do you now?
00:35:27I've got some capital lying around,
00:35:29which isn't really working for me tax-wise at the moment,
00:35:31and Grant's is exactly the kind of venture I'd like to put it into.
00:35:35Yeah, but...
00:35:37You don't need a third partner, I know.
00:35:39But from what I hear,
00:35:40perhaps your enthusiasm for the heady world of the culinary arts
00:35:43has been on the wane for some time.
00:35:46So, so?
00:35:47Max, Penny, they think your heart's not in it.
00:35:51And let's face it,
00:35:53no business these days is going to succeed
00:35:55unless everyone concerned is 100% behind it.
00:36:00What do you get there?
00:36:02Something that might prove beneficial to everyone
00:36:05and give you the opportunity to step away.
00:36:08I'm offering to buy you out.
00:36:13Oh, right.
00:36:15Am I in with a shot, then?
00:36:18I don't know.
00:36:20I'll have to think about that one.
00:36:22As soon as I'm trapped tight, I knew we could do business.
00:36:25Sam, we're both reasonable men, aren't we?
00:36:27I'd like to think so.
00:36:29So listen,
00:36:31what do Max and Penny think of this lot, then, eh?
00:36:35They're with me all the way.
00:36:37Fair dues.
00:36:39Particularly Penny.
00:36:40She seems to think a clean break would be ideal all round.
00:36:45Oh, does she now?
00:36:46In fact,
00:36:48Penny's with me in more ways than one.
00:36:52You are?
00:36:53There's no point in pretending otherwise,
00:36:55especially if we're going to close this deal.
00:36:57I met her while you were away.
00:36:59She told me all about your relationship,
00:37:01which, unfortunately, she felt was dead.
00:37:04We started as friends, but, quite frankly,
00:37:06it's grown into something a lot bigger.
00:37:08What, er, you and Penny?
00:37:11I'm sorry, I didn't think what feelings you might still have for her.
00:37:16You're welcome to her, mate.
00:37:18Sorry?
00:37:20Best of luck to you.
00:37:21Are you serious?
00:37:22Yeah.
00:37:24Well, we've done nothing but argue the last few months,
00:37:27you know what I mean?
00:37:28Oh, I didn't realise.
00:37:31But, er, watch the old plastic, mate,
00:37:34cos she'll bleed you dry if you don't watch out.
00:37:37I'm sure that won't be a problem.
00:37:39Well, Sam,
00:37:41here's to you, eh?
00:37:44I'm amazed you're taking this so well.
00:37:47Sam, I like you.
00:37:50Let's just say, er,
00:37:52the best man won.
00:38:09It's just the three of us.
00:38:11Yeah, why?
00:38:12Well, I thought I might invite Sinbad round,
00:38:14seeing as he never came over for Christmas dinner.
00:38:16Don't you dare.
00:38:18Well, why not?
00:38:20Might somebody else be calling over?
00:38:23Like who?
00:38:25Like an over-friendly loan shark.
00:38:27No.
00:38:28Look,
00:38:30Kenny Maguire isn't exactly my idea of the ideal man.
00:38:35If you like him.
00:38:36Like him?
00:38:37I'm sure he's got his good points.
00:38:39God, you haven't got a bloody clue.
00:38:41Oh, come on.
00:38:42Just admit it, Mum.
00:38:44You're having an affair with Kenny Maguire and Sinbad found out about it.
00:38:47An affair with that...
00:38:48Well, the guy virtually told me as much himself.
00:38:50Did he?
00:38:51What exactly did he say?
00:38:53That we had a romantic afternoon together upstairs by way of paying that loan off?
00:38:57What?
00:38:59I'm not having an affair with him.
00:39:01I slept with him
00:39:03because he said he'd clear my debts.
00:39:05Only he was lying and now he won't leave me alone
00:39:07and that's what Sinbad found out and that's why he hasn't been near.
00:39:12Take my son-in-law.
00:39:14Mind you, I wish somebody would.
00:39:16Oh, he's cheeky.
00:39:18He says to me, I'm going to dance on your grave.
00:39:20I said, I hope so, I'm getting buried at sea.
00:39:25And he's always in the pub, he's a drunkard.
00:39:27He came home the other night and my daughter said to him,
00:39:30what do you mean by coming in here half drunk?
00:39:32He said, I've ran out of money.
00:39:36Do you know what, I'm not going to say my own...
00:39:38Oh, I know.
00:39:40But that's not Laura in there.
00:39:42Let me show her that punch, is there?
00:39:46Hiya.
00:39:47So how's it going?
00:39:48Alright, your dad's good.
00:39:50I just met two Spanish firemen,
00:39:52O's A and O's B.
00:39:56Oh, yes I did.
00:39:58So, when are you giving Joshua's Christmas present?
00:40:01Go on, in good time.
00:40:03What about you, Vivian?
00:40:10I had no option, Beth.
00:40:15I couldn't see any other way out of it.
00:40:18So you slept with him?
00:40:20I don't want Rachel hearing.
00:40:23How could you do it?
00:40:27Because I saw my children going without Christmas presents.
00:40:30You're throwing away your education.
00:40:33What's the matter with Kenny Bloody Maguire compared to that?
00:40:36And what about you?
00:40:38What about me?
00:40:42How could you sleep with someone and just let them use you like that?
00:40:48Well, I let your father a hundred times over, I'm used to it.
00:40:54So where does all this leave you in Sinbad?
00:40:58I don't know.
00:41:00If only he'd told me he had the money instead of trying to play Father Christmas.
00:41:04It's not his fault.
00:41:07I know. I've made my bed.
00:41:11And the debts still aren't cleared.
00:41:15He conned me.
00:41:19Made me look a complete fool.
00:41:23I'm sorry.
00:41:28No, it's me who's sorry.
00:41:43All right, mate?
00:41:44All right, yeah.
00:41:46Hey, Cracker, here!
00:41:48Yeah, you're coming up in the world, aren't you?
00:41:50How do you mean, like?
00:41:52Business lunches with fellas in big cars.
00:41:54Oh, that, yeah.
00:41:56Come on, who was it, then?
00:41:58Oh! Oh!
00:42:02That creature's just urinating all over now.
00:42:09I can't continue.
00:42:10Good grief.
00:42:11Could somebody please remove that dog?
00:42:14And can we get a hold of a mop and bucket, please, before the next part of the show?
00:42:18Good doggy.
00:42:19At the top, though, aren't we?
00:42:27Where have you been?
00:42:29Having lunch with your partner.
00:42:31So he's back, then?
00:42:32It looks that way.
00:42:33Well, I was beginning to wonder what he'd done to you.
00:42:35You're not the only one.
00:42:36I don't know what all the fuss is about.
00:42:37OK, I know the guy's a bit of a maverick.
00:42:39What happened?
00:42:40He was a pussycat.
00:42:41Barry was.
00:42:42I put the deal to him.
00:42:43He said he'd think about it.
00:42:45Think about what he'd do to the three of us, more like.
00:42:47In fact, it went so well, I even told him about you and me.
00:42:50Oh, that's great.
00:42:52And?
00:42:53He took it like a man.
00:42:55He didn't pull a shotgun out on you?
00:42:57No, not that I noticed.
00:42:58Bizarre.
00:42:59So why don't you get your family?
00:43:00Let's go after this infamous pantom.
00:43:02Yeah, Patricia's already there.
00:43:03It's been moved to the club.
00:43:04That's what I believe.
00:43:05Which means Barry will be around.
00:43:07There's nothing to worry about on that score.
00:43:09Are you sure?
00:43:10There's only one way to find out.
00:43:12Yeah, I suppose so.
00:43:13I'll just get my coat.
00:43:16I've got to go.
00:43:17Bye.
00:43:18Bye.
00:43:20I'll just get my coat.
00:43:22And now, finally, ladies and gentlemen,
00:43:25to bring our charity Christmas cracker to a close,
00:43:28a lovely ballad from that mellifluous mistress of melody,
00:43:33the one and only...
00:43:34Wish me luck.
00:43:35..Miss Beverly Mac.
00:43:41Hiya. I'm Beverly Mac, and this is my song.
00:43:50What a racket.
00:43:52Somebody let that dog back on stage.
00:43:54Hey, that's no way to talk about Bev, Mum.
00:43:59Hey, listen, sorry about that earlier, love.
00:44:01She must have got a bit excited.
00:44:03Sit.
00:44:04That's no excuse.
00:44:05What, did you do space, you?
00:44:07Just get it away from me.
00:44:09It's all right.
00:44:10Good thing she didn't try and give you a leg.
00:44:13How's the show?
00:44:15Yeah, it's going all right, yeah.
00:44:18Is Barry about?
00:44:20I didn't even know he was back.
00:44:21Some partner, eh?
00:44:23Yeah, well, perhaps I'd be better off without him.
00:44:31Nobbins.
00:44:33Come on, cracker, come on.
00:44:35Get up.
00:44:37More, more!
00:44:43A great way to end the show, I'm sure you'll all agree.
00:44:46Thank you, Beverly, that was wonderful.
00:44:49And now it just remains for me to thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
00:44:53for your enthusiastic attendance,
00:44:55and, of course, for your support.
00:45:04Thank you very much for your wonderful attendance,
00:45:06and of course for your kind pledges of money,
00:45:08all of which will be donated in this, our inaugural year,
00:45:12to the Down's Syndrome Association.
00:45:15Amen.
00:45:16A choice of charity inspired by the personal experiences
00:45:21of two people very close to myself and to Mrs Crosby.
00:45:25Our daughter, Patricia, and our son-in-law, Max.
00:45:29AE my God.
00:45:31Would you both please stand up and take a bow?
00:45:33and the ladies, um, Changing Alice.
00:45:35Well done, Maxi-lad!
00:45:38Hey, what did you think of that then, mate?
00:45:41Mm, that's good, eh?
00:45:43Hey, you were brilliant.
00:45:45And now, ladies and gentlemen, if anyone would care to join the cast
00:45:48for a seasonal mince pie and a glass of sherry,
00:45:51they're being served at the bar, even as we speak.
00:45:54I liked the song. Yeah, I bet you did.
00:45:56Motherhood's wasted on you. You should be on the stage.
00:45:59I know, London stage.
00:46:01Oh, a comedian as well, eh?
00:46:02Funny me. Anyway, I've just come over
00:46:05to give my grandson a little Christmas present.
00:46:08Ta.
00:46:09I'll open it later.
00:46:11Open it now, eh, love?
00:46:20It's lovely, isn't it? I can't keep this.
00:46:23It's not for you.
00:46:25Come on, eh, love?
00:46:26I am not letting my son go through life with some cross round his neck.
00:46:30It won't do any harm, will it?
00:46:31What? You only need to see the state of it.
00:46:33Do you know what harm it does?
00:46:35So you're denying me the right of giving my own grandson
00:46:38a little Christmas present.
00:46:40I'll keep the check and I'll make sure he wears it.
00:46:42But as for this, no chance.
00:46:57Jackie.
00:46:58Jackie!
00:47:01What's all this in here, love?
00:47:02Lady bloody Penelope. She's back, isn't she?
00:47:05Well, I know that.
00:47:06I've cleaned this place from top to bottom. There's still no sign of her.
00:47:09Hey, don't you be flapping over that snotty cat.
00:47:12Jimmy, she will go up the wall if she says we've stayed here.
00:47:16Yeah. And after what I've just heard,
00:47:18you and me are the least of her worries, kid.
00:47:20You are?
00:47:21Once Barry touches base, the crap is gonna hit the fan.
00:47:25And Lady Muck is gonna be up to her sweetly.
00:47:29She'll be up to her sweetly.
00:47:30Oh, Nick, innit?
00:47:52And the Channel 4 video entitled Brookside The Women is now available,
00:47:55featuring classic clips from the first 12 years,
00:47:58along with some brand-new material.
00:48:28THEME SONG PLAYS
00:48:53Title's just well, Rachel.
00:48:56There's some stale bread in the bag, there.
00:49:00That my breakfast, is it?
00:49:02No, I just thought you might want to feed the birds for me.
00:49:14Mum, I think you should talk to her about those condoms.
00:49:16She's gonna notice they've gone missing.
00:49:19I know.
00:49:21I thought I might have a word with next door
00:49:23to see if they can shed any light on it.
00:49:25Anyway, it can't do any harm.
00:49:26I know. I'll nip round there on my way to the shops.
00:49:29Oh, you're gonna go down to the parade?
00:49:30Yeah, why?
00:49:32Well, you couldn't do me a favour, could you?
00:49:34What?
00:49:35I've got this for Sinbad and I haven't had a chance to drop it in yet.
00:49:38You couldn't give it to him for me, could you?
00:49:41Nice try, Beth, but I don't think so.
00:49:43Oh, well, I'll have to go and give it to him myself.
00:49:46At least he'll get me out of the Ice Maidens' way for a while.
00:49:49I'll be back.
00:50:03It's a good dress, isn't it?
00:50:05Yeah, not off.
00:50:08Maybe Barry'll emigrate and leave us two the same.
00:50:10Yeah.
00:50:12There'll be a few people looking to emigrate when he gets back,
00:50:14I'm telling you.
00:50:15God, I know, yeah.
00:50:16Stays at that pen.
00:50:18She'll get hers, don't you, buddy?
00:50:20Are you gonna tell them or not?
00:50:22Yeah.
00:50:24When I've finished enjoying meself.
00:50:26Why, what are you gonna do?
00:50:28This and that.
00:50:29Jimmy.
00:50:30Listen, that cow is gonna regret the day
00:50:33she ever looked down there, stuck up, sneak at me, I'm telling you.
00:50:37Don't do anything to her, OK?
00:50:39I won't.
00:50:40I'm just gonna have a bit of fun.
00:50:43Starting...
00:50:45tonight.
00:50:46Tonight.
00:50:47What's happening tonight?
00:50:49I am gonna treat my lovely wife...
00:50:52to a top scram
00:50:56as an exclusive little messy I've just discovered.
00:50:59Sounds great.
00:51:01Yeah.
00:51:05It will be love.
00:51:11Beth.
00:51:13Hiya. Hiya.
00:51:14How's it going?
00:51:15Oh, it's not bad.
00:51:16Did you have a good crimbo?
00:51:18Yeah, it was all right.
00:51:19And what was the present I got you?
00:51:20Oh, it was lovely.
00:51:21Thanks.
00:51:22You can put it on.
00:51:23Oh, right.
00:51:24Yeah.
00:51:25So, erm, what are you up to?
00:51:27Erm, nothing really.
00:51:28Well, do you fancy coming round to ours to practice a few steps?
00:51:31Erm...
00:51:32Oh, no, young lovers!
00:51:34Hi, Julia.
00:51:36Have you sorted out your foxtrot from your fandango yet?
00:51:39Yeah, we're just going round to ours to work on a few moves, aren't we?
00:51:42Oh, hiya.
00:51:43Oh, hiya.
00:51:44So, if you need a bit of expert advice, then won't you?
00:51:46Yeah.
00:51:47Simba, have you got a minute?
00:51:48Yeah, why?
00:51:49Oh, I'll catch up with you, OK?
00:51:50All right, see you later.
00:51:51See you, mate.
00:51:52See you later.
00:51:53We're all right, Julia, you know.
00:51:55We're getting the hang of it now.
00:51:56Nobody gets the hang of ballroom dancing in five minutes flat.
00:51:59Especially not a big galoot like you.
00:52:02Come on, let's go to work.
00:52:05Oh!
00:52:06Cracker!
00:52:07I needed a drink.
00:52:08Oh, very funny.
00:52:09Nah, it's all right, mate.
00:52:10You're welcome.
00:52:12So, er, how's your mum?
00:52:14She's OK.
00:52:15You're missing her.
00:52:17Yeah.
00:52:20She told me.
00:52:23She told you what?
00:52:24About Ken Maguire.
00:52:26I know what happened.
00:52:28Oh.
00:52:37A bit abandoned, eh?
00:52:38Just going the offie.
00:52:39What are you having to do, New Year's Eve?
00:52:42Oh.
00:52:43Look in for a drink, if you like.
00:52:45Erm, I'm not sure what I'm...
00:52:47Listen, I'm sorry about this, but can I have a quick word?
00:52:49Yeah.
00:52:50Er, your place, not mine.
00:52:52Erm...
00:52:57It's really ripping me out, this, you know.
00:53:00I've got that geth face stuck in me head.
00:53:03And I can see them together.
00:53:06I just want to kill them.
00:53:09Well, there isn't much room left under the bed here.
00:53:12I just wish I could get my head round it all.
00:53:15I mean, she could...
00:53:18After all that's happened, after all we've said, and she just...
00:53:22God, it took us the best part of 18 months
00:53:24just to build up the bottle for a kiss.
00:53:26And she just jumps into bed with that...
00:53:28But I know it must be hard for you.
00:53:30You're not kidding.
00:53:31Well, how do you think I felt?
00:53:34I don't know.
00:53:35Well, it's not easy finding out
00:53:36that that's how your mum pays the bills.
00:53:38Oh, don't say that.
00:53:41Still sticking up for her.
00:53:43Well, I do love her, don't I?
00:53:45And so do I.
00:53:47And that's why we've got to try and understand
00:53:49why she did what she did.
00:53:51And you can?
00:53:54I think so.
00:53:56I think she did it for me and for Rachel.
00:53:58She just switched herself off and said,
00:54:00right, you can have what you want,
00:54:02but then leave me and my family alone.
00:54:04Yeah, but how could she go with him?
00:54:06How could she go with my dad all those times?
00:54:10After he battered her, after what he did to me.
00:54:13She did it because that is the only way she knew
00:54:15how to protect us.
00:54:17Yeah, but...
00:54:18Look, it's not about sex.
00:54:20It's about survival.
00:54:22I know.
00:54:24But how could me and your mum ever have...
00:54:26Well, how could it ever be normal after this?
00:54:30Because of love.
00:54:33Because what you have got is far too good to waste.
00:54:36It blows my dad, Kenny Bloody Maguire,
00:54:38and all this stuff right out of the water.
00:54:40Do you reckon?
00:54:42Yeah, I reckon.
00:54:46So what do we do now?
00:54:48I don't know.
00:54:50Any ideas?
00:54:52I know what I'd like to do.
00:54:54What?
00:54:56I'd like to go round to our friendly neighbourhood
00:54:58loan shark's office and shove that three grand
00:55:00right down his throat.
00:55:03Serious?
00:55:05Am I laughing?
00:55:07Well, can you afford it?
00:55:09Still got a few bob left, yeah.
00:55:12Well, what's stopping you?
00:55:15Worrying about what your mum would say.
00:55:17Well, it's your money.
00:55:19And it'd get him off her back once and for all.
00:55:22It's true.
00:55:24So there's nothing she can say.
00:55:26Go for it.
00:55:28I, um...
00:55:30I found these in Rachel's coat pocket.
00:55:34Oh, God.
00:55:36Exactly.
00:55:38Have you, um...
00:55:40said anything to her?
00:55:42Well, I don't know what to say.
00:55:44Well, I asked Ali whether there'd been any phony business.
00:55:47What did he say?
00:55:49He shared a room.
00:55:51Well, that was it.
00:55:53I don't know what to say.
00:55:56He shared a room. Well, that was it.
00:55:58Didn't he say whether they'd shared a bed?
00:56:00No, he told me he'd slept on the floor.
00:56:02Did you believe him?
00:56:04I did, but...
00:56:06How do you explain these?
00:56:08I suppose we'll have to ask Bonnie and Clyde.
00:56:13Do you, uh...
00:56:15Do you think they've...
00:56:17I don't know.
00:56:19Well, at least they haven't opened them.
00:56:21That's what Beth said.
00:56:24Maybe they bored them and then lost the bottle.
00:56:28Well, there's only one way to find out.
00:56:30Yeah.
00:56:32I'll, uh, see what Ali's got to say for himself when he gets back.
00:56:35Yeah, it's about time I faced the music as well.
00:56:37Yeah. Right.
00:56:40Yeah, look, um...
00:56:42If you're not doing nothing New Year's Eve,
00:56:44you know where we are.
00:56:46Oh, thanks.
00:56:48Oh, good luck. You too.
00:56:53That's it.
00:56:55Slow, slow, quick, quick, slow.
00:56:57Oh, sorry.
00:57:00I have no feet left.
00:57:02Do you want to take it off?
00:57:04They're killing me.
00:57:06Oh, come on.
00:57:08Off you get.
00:57:10Oh.
00:57:12Get hold of her then.
00:57:14She won't snap in half, you know.
00:57:16Get a proper grip of her.
00:57:18That's it.
00:57:20Are they going to dance or what?
00:57:22One, two, three, four.
00:57:24Slow, slow, quick, quick, slow.
00:57:26Slow, quick, quick, slow.
00:57:28Oh.
00:57:30Oh, well. Give it a bit of time.
00:57:32Have you make a lovely cup of tea.
00:57:41Anything interesting in there?
00:57:43Not really.
00:57:45I was still reading the bunty at your age, you know.
00:57:48Mm.
00:57:50If you want to borrow it, just say.
00:57:52No, thanks.
00:57:54Probably a bit too sophisticated for me.
00:57:56Hardly.
00:57:58I mean, you're all so streetwise these days, aren't you?
00:58:00What?
00:58:02Well, look at you. You survived for more than a week.
00:58:04You're one of the biggest hitters of the world.
00:58:06I wouldn't have known where to start.
00:58:08It was no big deal.
00:58:10No?
00:58:12I just had to get on with it.
00:58:14It must have been exciting, though, you and Lee together alone.
00:58:16What do you mean?
00:58:18Oh, nothing. I'm...
00:58:20I just worry about you, that's all.
00:58:22What are you talking about, Mum?
00:58:29These.
00:58:31Have you been going through my stuff?
00:58:34I was doing your washing, I'm sorry.
00:58:36I haven't done anything.
00:58:38No? No!
00:58:40Did Lee ask you to?
00:58:42No, look, they're nothing to do with Lee.
00:58:44Well, who are they to do with?
00:58:46I was meant to throw the stupid things away.
00:58:48No!
00:58:50Where did they come from?
00:58:52Please, Mum.
00:58:54Look, is there another boy on the scene?
00:58:56No.
00:58:58Not really.
00:59:03Is this someone you met in London?
00:59:05Yeah.
00:59:07And did you stay with him?
00:59:09Yeah, but nothing happened.
00:59:11Did he want something to happen?
00:59:13Not how you think.
00:59:15His name was Nick.
00:59:18I met him after Lee came home.
00:59:20He was really nice to me.
00:59:22He let me stay at his flat and everything.
00:59:24And nothing happened, but...
00:59:27Then he had this party.
00:59:29Well, that's when he gave me them.
00:59:32He wanted me to go with his mates for money.
00:59:36Oh, Rachel.
00:59:38I got away, though, before.
00:59:40I was so scared, Mum.
00:59:42I mean, how could anyone go with some fella for money?
00:59:48Oh, I don't know, love.
00:59:50I'm sorry, Mum.
00:59:52Oh, shush, shush, shush. It's all right.
01:00:05Well, if it isn't George Formby.
01:00:07To what do I owe the pleasure?
01:00:09Another satisfied customer.
01:00:11Oh, I satisfy all my customers.
01:00:13Yeah, well, I'll ignore that,
01:00:15since I don't have to put up with your smarmy crap for much longer.
01:00:18Oh, emigrating, are we?
01:00:20No.
01:00:24Settling up.
01:00:26You want to be careful carrying that sort of money around.
01:00:28You could get mugged.
01:00:30There's three grand there. Take it.
01:00:35But you're not a client of mine.
01:00:37It's for Mandy.
01:00:39Oh, Mandy.
01:00:41Yeah, so, er, she owes you nothing now,
01:00:43but you can get your kick somewhere else, can't you?
01:00:45Well, I'd like to oblige, but I can't.
01:00:48You what?
01:00:50My deal's with Mandy, not with her window cleaner.
01:00:53Oh, yeah, dead funny.
01:00:55Just take it and get out of our lives.
01:00:57I just told you, I can't.
01:00:59My contract is with Mrs Mandy Jordache.
01:01:02She signed the agreement. It's her loan.
01:01:04Now, if she wants to come in here and pay the debt off, that's fine.
01:01:08But I can't have any Tom, Dick or Harry
01:01:11walking in here off the street shouting the odds.
01:01:13This is a business.
01:01:15Things have to go through the proper channels, OK?
01:01:17Just take it, will you?
01:01:19Anyway, I've got a sneaky suspicion Mandy likes the arrangement the way it stands.
01:01:25Take it.
01:01:27Sorry, what?
01:01:30Take it.
01:01:32I've just told you, I can't.
01:01:34Now, I've been very patient with you,
01:01:36but you're beginning to get ever so slightly up my nose.
01:01:41So my advice to you is get yourself home
01:01:45and get that back in your little biscuit tin where it belongs.
01:01:48OK, friend?
01:01:50HE BREATHES HEAVILY
01:02:09Hi, I'm Maxi, lad.
01:02:18Jimmy, what can I do for you?
01:02:21Come for a scram, kid.
01:02:23I'm sorry, but we're absolutely choppy tonight.
01:02:26Oh, well, can't you squeeze us in?
01:02:28No, can't do.
01:02:30Let's go, mate. Hang on.
01:02:32Hey, mate, have you nearly finished there?
01:02:34Jimmy, can we back to your table next?
01:02:36Will you please go?
01:02:38Well, it's not very nice, is it?
01:02:40Unfortunately, sometimes the world isn't a very nice place.
01:02:43Neither is it.
01:02:45I don't think your mate Sam would be very happy you treating me like this.
01:02:48Sam?
01:02:50Yeah, Sam.
01:02:52Well, I'd, er...
01:02:54I mean, I was only saying to him yesterday at lunch.
01:02:56What?
01:02:58Oh, didn't you know? He took me out to dinner.
01:03:01Had a nice old chin wag, we did.
01:03:03Yeah, all lads together.
01:03:05But, er...
01:03:07He told me all about his plans. He told me all sorts he did.
01:03:10About his plans, you know, for this place
01:03:12and a few things he's got in mind for Penny, like.
01:03:14Are you telling me, er...
01:03:16Are you interested to hear what he had to say when he gets back?
01:03:19When he gets back?
01:03:21But I thought that...
01:03:23That's if I decide to spill the beans, like.
01:03:25Sam thought you were, er...
01:03:30Good, eh?
01:03:34And you're not going to say anything, are you?
01:03:36Oh, I don't know.
01:03:38I'll have to think about that on the way to the chippy.
01:03:40Seeing as there's, er...
01:03:42no room at the inn.
01:03:45Well, I think we could squeeze you in somewhere.
01:03:49Oh, really?
01:03:51Oh, that's very good of you. Isn't it, love?
01:03:53Yeah.
01:03:56You like to follow me?
01:03:58Be so kind.
01:04:15Are you going to go in and have a word with Leigh?
01:04:17Er, couldn't we just leave it for a bit?
01:04:19We've had enough trouble for one week.
01:04:21Yeah, well, you don't have to get heavy, love. Just ask him.
01:04:23What, if he's had his oats recently?
01:04:25Well, we can't ignore it. He had condoms.
01:04:28I know, just... With him being stuck away and all that,
01:04:31I never got round to the Alberts and the bee speech.
01:04:34I wouldn't know what to say to him now.
01:04:36We've got to talk to him, love, find out what's been going on.
01:04:38It's for his own good.
01:04:40OK, you win. I'll just get this lot sorted out.
01:04:43I'll just get this lot sorted and I'll loose out the brass knuckles and the cosh.
01:04:46Shouldn't take me that long to beat the truth out of them.
01:04:52Doesn't matter, love, honest.
01:04:54No, they're not on.
01:04:56You've got spuds in the kitchen, haven't you?
01:04:58Yeah. And a knife? Yeah.
01:05:00Right, well, peel them, slice them, bung them in a bit of fat and Bob's your uncle.
01:05:06No bloody chips on the menu.
01:05:08I'm telling you, if my wife wants chips, she gets chips.
01:05:14I'll make sure to get you some.
01:05:23All right, son? Yeah, Tom?
01:05:26Er, I hope you don't mind, but, erm, me and your dad need a quick chat.
01:05:31Oh, right, I'll go upstairs, then. No! With you, soft lad!
01:05:35Sorry. It's, erm, it's about London.
01:05:39What about it? About you and Rachel.
01:05:42Where you staying, what you did, all that.
01:05:44I've already told you.
01:05:46Look, I'm not being nosy, son, but, er, was there anything more to it than you said?
01:05:52No. Why?
01:05:54Cos Rachel's mum found a pack of condoms in her room.
01:05:57What? You're not in any trouble or anything.
01:05:59We just want to know what's been going on between you.
01:06:02Nothing. So, you haven't... Look, I haven't even been near her.
01:06:06Honest? Don't you believe me?
01:06:08Yeah, course!
01:06:11Anyway, why are you so bothered with what I'm doing all of a sudden?
01:06:15Cos we care. No, you don't.
01:06:17We do. So why did you buy me a bike for Christmas?
01:06:20Eh? But you're into bikes and cars and that, aren't you?
01:06:24No, I'm not. Me dad is. You don't know what I'm into.
01:06:27We do.
01:06:29Yeah, so, what's me favourite subject at school?
01:06:35You don't know, do you? Erm...
01:06:37It's art. But I suppose you think that's for queers or something.
01:06:40Oh, Steve!
01:06:42And me computer? I like going on me computer.
01:06:44But me dad thinks that's boring.
01:06:46So I have to pretend I'm into stupid bikes.
01:06:48Why didn't you say? Because you just don't listen.
01:06:59Max! Here in a minute.
01:07:04You enjoy your meal, sir.
01:07:06Oh, yeah. Compliments to the chef.
01:07:10We aim to please him.
01:07:12Trouble is, Max, there's a bit of a problem.
01:07:14Oh, really?
01:07:16Yeah. I waited till Jackie went the live.
01:07:18Didn't want to embarrass you.
01:07:20What problem's that?
01:07:22It's the bill.
01:07:24And what about it?
01:07:26Well, 54 quid, it says.
01:07:28So?
01:07:30Well, if I've done me sums right, I think he might have overcharged us.
01:07:36Very much.
01:07:38I guess I'd say, er...
01:07:4054 quid.
01:07:46Hiya.
01:07:48Oh, hello.
01:07:50It's freezing out here.
01:07:52I'm sorry you've come in.
01:07:57What's happened to your mouth?
01:07:59A late Christmas present from a friend of yours.
01:08:01What?
01:08:03Maguire.
01:08:05Oh, he did that to you?
01:08:07Well, I suppose I'd better tell you.
01:08:09He'll only be down here tomorrow gobbling off about it anyway.
01:08:11About what?
01:08:13I went round to his to pay off your loan.
01:08:15Oh, for God's sake!
01:08:17Yeah, well, I spoke to Beth about it. She thought it was a good idea.
01:08:19Well, what about me? Does my opinion count?
01:08:21I just wanted him out of your life.
01:08:23When are you going to get it into your thick skull that this is my problem,
01:08:25it's my life and I'll deal with it in my own way?
01:08:27Yeah, look where it's got you.
01:08:29Thanks. Really needed a reminding of that.
01:08:32Sorry.
01:08:35So what happened?
01:08:37Well, I offered him the dosh. He wouldn't take it.
01:08:39I lost me rag and he split me lip.
01:08:41He wouldn't take it?
01:08:43Nope.
01:08:45So that had to come from you.
01:08:47Or from nobody.
01:08:49This is mad.
01:08:51Yeah, well, only one way to sort it out.
01:08:53Happy Christmas.
01:08:55I've only heard a word of said.
01:08:58I don't want your money.
01:09:00God almighty, I can't even give it away.
01:09:02You'll just be swapping one debt for another.
01:09:04Oh, that's bloody ridiculous and you know it.
01:09:06I've got to do this on my own.
01:09:08All right, fine. OK, you be a big hero.
01:09:10Do it all on your tod.
01:09:12Me wife's following your pride and let some dickhead like me help you.
01:09:14I mean, who am I anyway? Just a fella that loves you, that's all.
01:09:17Anyway, if you do change your mind, you know where I am.
01:09:29Hey, they got up on Max when I told them about Sammy.
01:09:34Oh, no.
01:09:36Listen, maybe we should go back there again tomorrow.
01:09:38Hey, don't go pushing your luck.
01:09:40No way.
01:09:42Aye, aye, Crack, shove up, matey.
01:09:44Whoop!
01:09:46Hey, you saw what he was like.
01:09:48Oh, don't go saying anything to Barry, will you?
01:09:50Hey, I am going to milk this till I haven't, I'm telling you.
01:09:53He's a case, you.
01:09:55Yeah, I know, I am. Come here.
01:09:57Jimmy. What?
01:09:59Not when the dog's watching.
01:10:02Good girl, go on. Come here.
01:10:04Hey!
01:10:08So, what aren't you going to tell Barry about?
01:10:11Oh, my God!
01:10:13Er, Barry, what are you doing here, mate?
01:10:15All the flights were full, weren't they, for New Year's Eve?
01:10:17So I had to come back early.
01:10:19What are you doing here?
01:10:21Er...
01:10:23Sleeping in my bed, eating my food.
01:10:25Who do you think you are, eh? The three bears?
01:10:27No, er, we're just looking after the place for you.
01:10:30Aren't we, Jack? Yeah, yeah, that's right.
01:10:32Have you seen the state of it up there? It looks like a bomb city.
01:10:35Yeah, well, er, Jackie'll tidy that for you, won't she?
01:10:38Of course, I will. I'll do it now, shall I?
01:10:45And can you tell me, what's that?
01:10:47Er, that's cracker.
01:10:49Say hello to Barry Cracks.
01:10:51You cheeky little...
01:10:53Barry, you should be thanking me, mate.
01:10:55For what? For keeping an eye on the enemy while you've been away.
01:10:57What enemy, Jimmy? Listen, you don't know the alphabet.
01:11:00They're stitching you like a kipper.
01:11:02Who is? Your mates, Max and Penny.
01:11:04And this Ponce one, Sam, that she's on with.
01:11:06You what?
01:11:08I'm telling you, this Sam fella, he's minted.
01:11:10And he's gonna try and buy out your share of the restaurant.
01:11:14And in pennies?
01:11:16Yeah. Giving him one.
01:11:18Sorry, boss.
01:11:23Well, how do you know all of this?
01:11:25Well, I keep my ear to the ground, don't I?
01:11:27Jimmy, this better not be a wind-up.
01:11:29Barry, I am telling you, it's true.
01:11:31The three of them, they're all in it together.
01:11:36Right.
01:11:38Right, well, you'd better get your gear together. The party's over.
01:11:40What am I gonna do, like?
01:11:43Well, that's my business, isn't it?
01:11:45Well, you keep that shut. Say not to no-one, right?
01:11:47Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I'll, boss, yeah.
01:11:52Nobody does this to me.
01:11:54Nobody.
01:11:58MUSIC CONTINUES
01:12:03A Channel 4 book, Brookside Life and the Close,
01:12:05is out now in bookshops,
01:12:07priced at £14.99.