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00:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:30Oh, I am looking forward to it.
00:37A weekend by the sea, salt air in your lungs, sun on the water...
00:42Sand in your sandwiches.
00:44I refuse to be discouraged by that cynical attitude.
00:47You're looking forward to it just as much as I am.
00:50When I called for you this morning, you were whistling.
00:53Well, I'd just opened my electricity bill.
00:56Oh, you were happy.
00:57She's not so loud. Nobody admits to being happy these days.
01:02They'll think I'm weird.
01:04Exercise.
01:05And the world is full of social reformers,
01:07and nothing irritates your social reformer more than finding some damn fool who's happy.
01:12No, exercise is all you need.
01:14I don't keep this figure by accident, you know.
01:17There's not a cloud in the sky. It'll be all right if this weather all set.
01:20Oh, aye. We should be able to sit here all weekend in the brilliant sunshine,
01:24waiting for that Gordon to turn up with his blasted minibus.
01:28Now, you take Ivy, for instance.
01:29Now, Ivy is very steady.
01:32Now, you wouldn't catch her doing anything reckless, like being happy.
01:38He'll be here in a minute. Gordon won't let us down.
01:40The only time I've ever really been let down
01:42was when some fool agreed to stand as me best man.
01:45Hey-yop. Hey-yop.
01:50Foggy's gone again.
01:53Foggy? Fog...
01:54Huh?
01:56What is it, Foggy?
01:58Ah!
01:59Yes, well, no...
02:01I thought so. Something's missing.
02:03She had been running through me mind an inventory of personnel and effects,
02:07and I am sure there is something missing.
02:09It's that compel.
02:10What time does he think he's going to get himself here?
02:13Well, I told him, oh, 900 hours.
02:15I mean, I gave him explicit instructions,
02:17written down in simple terms for the average idiot.
02:20Of course, he has to turn out to be an above-average idiot.
02:23In the whole universal complex,
02:25probably my favourite class of people.
02:28Well, if he can't get himself here on time,
02:29I propose we go without him.
02:31You can't abandon the man.
02:34Don't you have to train him?
02:35After all, he is a human being, life for the use of.
02:37I would like you to know
02:40that you have just won the Norman Clegg Award
02:42for Outstanding Services to Human Lunacy.
02:46We're not going without anybody.
02:49Get yourself in holiday mood.
02:50We're going to enjoy ourselves for a weekend.
02:52Are you sure you locked that back door?
02:54You've sent me to lock that back door 33 times.
02:57I've been up since 6 o'clock this morning
02:59just locking that back-blasted door.
03:02Yeah, leaving me to do all the packing.
03:04Packing? It's more like unpacking.
03:05You can't take them.
03:06I've got no room for them.
03:07I haven't got an inch of room to spare.
03:09Then she opens her mouth.
03:12I heard that.
03:13And I've been hearing that for the past 30 blasted years.
03:16Now, give it a rest, woman. You're on holiday.
03:17Oh, we are. Thank God never gets here.
03:19Foggy, how come you've got all your postcards
03:22before we even get there?
03:25They're cheaper, yeah?
03:28That's a reckless holiday spirit.
03:30I don't intend to be taken for a ride.
03:32Hmm, just as well if you're depending on Gordon.
03:35Oh, where the hell is he?
03:38They're all the likey's lot.
03:39They're great useless heaps.
03:41I quite like their Arnold.
03:43Oh, he's just soft in the head.
03:45Well, the older I get,
03:46the more I seem to like dozy people.
03:49Hmm, mind you, you get a lot of practice round here.
03:53Oh, give me a razor-sharp intellect any time.
03:55Oh, I will the minute I find one.
03:57Hey, what's the dozy about there, Arnold?
04:01I'm the one looking married with me eyes closed, aren't I?
04:03I did not wish to imply, Sidney,
04:05that you weren't dozy too.
04:07Oh.
04:09That's all right, then.
04:10Good material, Sidney.
04:11If the weather is warm,
04:13the sort of person you could safely go paddling with.
04:16I'm looking forward to seeing that, Max Jaffa.
04:18Paddling? I didn't know he did.
04:20He's coming now. Come and have a look at him.
04:22Hey, where are you?
04:23Now, come on.
04:23That time, too.
04:25Oh, God, just look at him.
04:28Now, why is it he never cuts the sort of figure
04:30you see behind a regimental band?
04:32He's more of an elastic band.
04:34There he is, then.
04:36Hey, Sidney, get a hold of that.
04:38Oh, God.
04:40I've got my people who travel like that.
04:42Go on.
04:43Right on me, Sam.
04:44I can't believe he was the Duke of Devon.
04:45She wouldn't.
04:46Oh, or the Duke of Wellington.
04:48Where are you going with my wellies?
04:50Well, it's a matter of survival, isn't it?
04:52Oh.
04:53You need this cardboard box.
04:56I've got my best brown hat in there.
04:58I don't want to squash.
04:59But this is the sort of rubbish
05:00that normal people put out for the dustbins.
05:02I mean, why did you fetch all this
05:03for not going on safari?
05:05Look at him.
05:06Look at him.
05:07Standing there like a bossy giraffe.
05:10Ah!
05:14He, he, he, he, he, he, he.
05:16Ah, you can't ruffle my iron self-control.
05:21Pops!
05:22Hey, look at that.
05:23Look at old twinkle-toes.
05:25Look at his trousers are halfway up his nostrils.
05:27Here, get your hands off my leg.
05:29I'm not going away if it's going to be one of them
05:31sort of holidays.
05:33He looks like a ventriloquist dummy, doesn't he?
05:35Well, only when you pull the string.
05:37Cut the gear.
05:38Ha, ha!
05:39Cut the gear!
05:40Well, that's enough of that.
05:42I'm glad to see you've made some sort of effort.
05:45Oh, ta.
05:45You look like a National Health gigolo,
05:47but at least you've tried to improve yourself.
05:48Sir.
05:49Yes, I like...
05:51Don't touch that!
05:52The dog!
05:53Oh, come on.
05:54What are you doing?
05:54Haven't you got a proper handkerchief?
05:56Oh, do you want to borrow it?
05:57I've got to be this.
05:58Here we are.
06:00Put it away for heaven.
06:02Put that away.
06:03Oh.
06:03It might come in handy
06:04if you have to clean a bicycle.
06:05Oh, that is my aftershave.
06:12Oh, it's very subtle.
06:13I suppose if you ask for the large size,
06:15you'll get a tanker.
06:16Ha, ha!
06:17That's dead masculine.
06:18It's called biceps.
06:20Smells more like footsteps.
06:22It's an athlete's aftershave.
06:24Yeah, I could imagine
06:25they'd have to sprint a bit fast
06:26if they were wearing that.
06:29Biceps,
06:30which obviously means
06:31half of forceps.
06:33That is, a pair of tweezers
06:35with only one prong.
06:36Now, that could take
06:37a bit of getting used to.
06:39And this is going to take
06:40a bit of getting used to, too,
06:41which, of course,
06:42explains why.
06:43It's called biceps.
06:45It doesn't explain
06:46why you were late this morning.
06:47I told you, oh, 900 hours.
06:48I can't, he's up again.
06:49The Fuhrer, he's up again.
06:51This holiday's going to be run on schedule.
06:53I couldn't help it.
06:55I was running around
06:56at the last minute
06:56trying to find somebody
06:58to leave me ferrets with.
06:59Couldn't you have organised
07:00a ferret sitter yesterday?
07:02Why didn't you come
07:03to somebody who can organise?
07:04I would have applied
07:05a tactical brain to the problem.
07:06Well, I honestly
07:07leave them with Nora Batty.
07:08But when I went next door,
07:10whoop, no Nora Batty.
07:12It seems they've gone
07:13on holiday and all.
07:13It is a holiday weekend.
07:14People do go away.
07:16They do if the flaming bus
07:17ever comes.
07:18Ah, and I see how I've
07:19is in a nice holiday spirit.
07:21It's nice of you to come.
07:23Oh, give us a kiss.
07:24Come on.
07:24Hey, the bush is here.
07:28Hey, Normand,
07:29can you bring my gas?
07:31amb Crown te footage.
07:31Nobody bring my gas, please.
07:33I've got it.
07:34I've got it.
07:34You want the stream as well?
07:36Oh, man.
07:36Thanks for your-
07:37Hey, Normand.
07:39Aye.
07:40Oh, you're facing the right?
07:41Aye.
07:42Okay, sir.
07:42I'm following you.
07:45Oh, you're facing the right.
07:46I hope you lock that back door.
07:57You great prongless folk, this holiday is going to be run on schedule.
08:27I hope you lock that back door.
08:37I hope you lock that back door.
08:43I hope you lock that back door.
08:49I hope you lock that back door.
08:59I hope you lock that back door.
09:05I hope you lock that back door.
09:11Hey, how far is it to Scarborough now?
09:31I don't know.
09:33Just a quick one while gone.
09:35I must say that the landlord looks very smart,
09:39which I take always to be a sign that the beer is going to be a mite untidy.
09:44Ah, it doesn't matter. We're on holiday.
09:49Ooh. Ooh.
09:51It does matter a little bit.
09:53Sea Haven is a superior private boarding establishment,
09:56only a short walk from the beach.
09:58How about a swim every morning before breakfast?
10:01How about it? How about it?
10:03You all right? I've got by myself.
10:05Ah, jolly good. They don't make them like that any more.
10:08They never did.
10:09Well, I don't know what all the fuss is about.
10:11How we could all do with that healthy glow that comes from a body driven to the limit?
10:16I think they'd like to restrain you, Foggy,
10:18in what to me is one of your most endearing features.
10:21A sustained, courageous determination to make a prat of yourself.
10:25That's not nice, is it?
10:28Now, you see what you've done, Norm, you've put him in a bad temper.
10:31Oh, well, he's a very handsome brat.
10:33Ha!
10:34Come on, Foggy.
10:35Who's going on holiday there, little Foggy's going on holiday?
10:39I'll buy you a stick of rock. Ah!
10:41I'll buy you a plate of welts, then.
10:43Oh, don't carry on like that. You remind me of my Auntie Bluebell.
10:46Oh, she didn't wear as much scent.
10:49Well, this place seems all right for the Mem Saabs.
10:52I think it would be a good idea if someone went out and escorted IVM for a drink.
10:55That's a second stupid idea he's had in less than a minute.
11:00Meaning it's a gift.
11:02Hey, Lester, where's that Gordon gone?
11:04Do you think he's got stuck in them toilets?
11:06Look, if he can drive a bus, surely he can steer his way through that simple operation.
11:11Perhaps he's having trouble with his clutch.
11:14I mean, after all, he must have been out there for about...
11:17Let's see, about...
11:19There you are.
11:20Oh, that's very space age.
11:22Have you been balancing your payments again?
11:24Our eldest club, shall in a week.
11:26She's in for a nervous Christmas then, isn't she?
11:29How many fizzing dials has it got?
11:31Oh, it's not only a watch, you know.
11:33That is a miniature calculator.
11:36How?
11:38I'm not sure about that yet.
11:40What time is it then?
11:42Well, it's...
11:45If you're a balloonist, it tells you how deep the water is.
11:49Huh.
11:50That's useful, isn't it?
11:51And it's water resistant.
11:52Oh, I can see where that would appeal.
11:54Biceps.
12:03Where do you think you're going?
12:04I'm trying to keep the beer off me jacket.
12:07Are we going to have this performance all through the weekend?
12:09Are you going to be elbowing me over the weekend?
12:10I'm going to insist on a certain standard of behaviour.
12:12Oh, that's a typical Tory remark.
12:14Well, I've seen your...
12:15Oh, I don't...
12:16I don't...
12:17I don't...
12:18Excuse the running battle, only this gentleman is a stickler for etiquette
12:24and writes for the catering corps Argus.
12:26And this gentleman isn't and doesn't.
12:29Oh, will you have one, landlord?
12:31Not one of them two, I won't.
12:34Well, I...
12:35I...
12:36It did really mean a drink.
12:37Er...
12:38He's a bit starty, isn't he?
12:39What do you expect, the way you carry on?
12:41He's probably spent all his life trying to build up a decent clientele, yeah?
12:45And you walk through the door as though the public health acts had never been thought of.
12:49Now, listen, I shall very like to give you a bell round here.
12:51Don't you?
12:52I know it's going to be...
12:54About time, too.
13:01Nice toilets.
13:06Well, you can stay here if you like, Gordon, but we're going on to Scarborough.
13:12Yeah.
13:31I know this, but...
13:32To the other people's you who are thinking willing, you are to support us.
13:35A few more
13:56How about that, then?
14:03Smell that air.
14:05Fish and chips.
14:07And then they say there's no poetry in him.
14:10Yes, well, it might look peaceful now,
14:11but the German Navy shelled it, you know, in 1914.
14:14Ah, yes, but I should think they'd have finished by now.
14:17What terms I tie?
14:20Ask the striped gentleman in the short trousers.
14:23He's got the most informative watch in the world.
14:26Oh, look, your Gordon's made friends already.
14:32Let's see.
14:33Let's see.
14:34Let's see.
14:35Let's see.
14:36Let's see.
14:37Let's see.
14:38Let's see.
14:40Let's see.
14:40Let's go.
15:10Oh, my God.
15:40Gordon, come on, Gordon.
16:04Oh, here we are.
16:06Don't do any training like I do.
16:08Oh, it's a pull up next day.
16:10Yes.
16:12Five fluttering flights.
16:15Well, at least it's only one flight down to the bathroom.
16:19Once the red mist starts clearing from in front of your eyes,
16:24it's quite a nice room.
16:26Well,
16:26I think I'm good to have a rest and I'm good to tackle upstairs again about, eh, Wednesday.
16:36Hey, oh, the place is on fire.
16:38No, that's lunch.
16:40You mean lunch is on fire.
16:42Means it's time to eat.
16:43Well, that's a daft way to carry on.
16:45Why don't they shout like anybody else?
16:46Bad man, walk, don't run.
16:48Well, it may not be far to the beach, but it's a perishing long way to the dining room.
16:52Courage.
16:53It's downhill all the way.
16:54Yes, well, I thought that was very palatable.
17:02Oh, well, we're still in Yorkshire, aren't we?
17:04It's not as if we've gone abroad like that damn fool Anderson from Wortley Street.
17:09Where did he go, then?
17:10Liverpool.
17:11He said the water was drinkable.
17:28Have you finished?
17:30Yeah.
17:32How about a refill, love?
17:33No, thanks.
17:34I haven't time to sit supping tea all day.
17:41I hope everything was all right.
17:46Oh, yes.
17:47Oh, yeah, I'm very good.
17:48We were just seeing how very nice everything was, Mrs. Chaffer.
17:53Seldom have we received such service.
17:55Oh, I'm glad.
17:57I wish she'd call me Rose.
17:59Oh, Rose?
17:59I do try.
18:01It's all right now, of course, early season.
18:03But I get very flustered when we're full.
18:08Mabel's a treasure.
18:11She looks as if she's been dug up.
18:19What the devil are you up to?
18:21Well, as we live up the top, I thought I'd take a few scraps up for the seagulls.
18:26Yeah, don't feed seagulls.
18:27They're like vultures that have your arm off.
18:29Or in your case, your sleeve.
18:31No, and anyway, they've got very primitive internal arrangements.
18:34It'll go straight through them like a drainpipe, you know.
18:36I'm a bit deposited in the space that I have mentally reserved for hanging out my trunks to dry.
18:41Oh, yeah, it's the Gestapo.
18:43What?
18:43Oh.
18:43God, does he eat the bones and all?
18:56All right.
19:18Let's go.
20:49Why does the sea taste of salt?
20:54I expect they ran out of vinegar.
20:56Oh, it's the mineral content, the wear and tear on the rocks.
21:01You mean like sliding down a fireman's pool?
21:04Oh, that's something I've always wanted to do.
21:08It must be difficult climbing back up.
21:11I mean, especially if you're shagged out after a fire.
21:13Oh, I think I saw a Winkle.
21:18Don't you know?
21:20Not really.
21:22He would have got in a flash.
21:24Never mind.
21:25They take too much training to make good pets anyway.
21:28What are you talking about, you dozy fur?
21:33Winkle training.
21:36They need a firm hand.
21:38What about affection?
21:39Rubbish.
21:40I've known more Winkle's ruined by overpapering than any other course.
21:46Hey, look.
21:47My shoes are going green.
21:49From outside or in?
21:52Outside.
21:53It must be the rocks.
21:55Oh, that's life, you see.
21:57You start off in the morning full of hope
21:59and by tea time your shoes are going green.
22:04Oh, is that the time already?
22:07Oh, don't bother rolling your sleeve up for our benefit.
22:09We're only here for a weekend.
22:10We're only here for a weekend.
22:40Well, this is very pleasant.
22:46You know, I must confess to a feeling of growing optimism about this holiday.
22:50It wasn't you on the bridge that night, was it?
22:53Steering the Titanic.
22:55I refuse to be discouraged.
22:58Now, things are looking up, you know.
22:59He's been exposed to my civilizing influence and it's beginning to pay.
23:03He's been exposed in all sorts of places in his day.
23:05I'm looking forward to seeing his best brown hat.
23:08Have you had a peep at his socks lately?
23:12Do you know, I knew there was something I meant to do.
23:15Come on, Foggy, we can't cram everything into the first day.
23:18You might be pleasantly surprised, I was.
23:21You know, I came away firmly convinced
23:23that the only way to make the nights tolerable
23:25would be to banish his socks to the fire escape.
23:27And with that in view, I approached them gingerly
23:30and I turned them over with the sharp end
23:33of my combination ruler and spirit level.
23:34You've got a nerve, Foggy, I'll say that for you.
23:37Only to find that they are brand new and relatively harmless.
23:41And what is more,
23:43his feet are clean.
23:45You don't think he's been sneaking off and having a paddle?
23:51No.
23:52It's my belief he's been washing them.
23:56The whole world is upside down.
23:59And what is more,
24:00this is the third time tonight,
24:01the third time that he has been down with his towel to the bathroom.
24:04Are you planning on being there every time I go into the bathroom?
24:14Oh, I can't promise to be here every time, highly long.
24:18You see, I don't get up too early in the mornings,
24:20but I'll catch up bedtime with a little bit of luck.
24:23Ah!
24:24Oh!
24:24Hey!
24:27Hey!
24:31Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
24:34Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
24:40Early to bed, early to rise.
24:43Makes a man healthy, wealthy and bored.
24:53You are waiting to go in there, aren't you, Uncle Bill?
24:57You must be joking, Gordon.
24:59It's much more fun out here.
25:01Oh, my man, I'm a stranger in paradise.
25:09My passion from Edmund White.
25:12The girl with the steamy eyes.
25:15Na, na, na.
25:16Hey, I've got to like it here.
25:18There's more going on here than there is at all.
25:21He looks like Henry Cooper.
25:23Seems a bit like him, too.
25:25Hey, there's a couple down below, next door to Gordon.
25:28I heard them arguing.
25:30I hope you've not been here, Wiggin.
25:32No, no, no.
25:33I was just passing, you know.
25:34You've been just passing quite a lot, haven't you?
25:36How many times have you been to the bathroom?
25:39Oh, well, I just like to sort of get the...
25:41You know, the feel of the place, you know?
25:43Well, you know, a thought has just struck me.
25:50What's that?
25:52I think I'll go and wash my feet.
25:55Oh, nay, my prince will come.
26:04Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
26:14Nora Batty, my own true love.
26:17Oh, God, what are you doing here?
26:19I love thee, Nora, I love thee.
26:20Don't you come near me.
26:22Have you run away from him?
26:23Have you left him in the lurch?
26:25No, I've left him in the bedroom.
26:26Oh, listen to me, listen to me, Nora.
26:29Me cup runneth over.
26:31Looks as though yours are spilling out of it.
26:32Oh!
26:35Ah!
26:38You'll be all right tonight, Wally.
26:43What's wrong?
26:53Shush.
26:53What?
26:54Shush.
26:55Shush?
26:57Oh, I was full of shush a moment ago.
26:59It's really starting me off.
27:01I keep hearing something.
27:02Yes, of course, it's some dozy herb that's saying shush.
27:06Listen.
27:07There's nothing.
27:09You forget I have a trained soldier's reflex.
27:11The first crack of a twig and I'm reaching for my bayonet.
27:14Who the hell's going to be cracking twigs up here?
27:17It's haunted.
27:19This place is haunted.
27:21Unless they've got mice.
27:22You mean terrifying, chain rattling, risen from the grave, mice with fangs?
27:27No, it's all right.
27:29If you don't believe me, you just listen.
27:31Oh.
27:33It's in the wardrobe.
27:34It's a seagull.
27:37What, in the wardrobe?
27:39It's not in there.
27:40It's scratching.
27:41It just sounds like it's in the wardrobe.
27:43Oh, I see.
27:43It does impressions, does it?
27:44It throws its voice into the wardrobe.
27:46I'll go to sleep.
27:48I'm going to investigate.
27:49No, Stanley, Stanley, Stanley.
27:51There, I'll do it.
27:52I'll do it.
27:53I told you, there's nothing there.
27:57Call that investigating.
27:58Now, listen, listen.
28:00Why don't we go for a nice, quiet walk along the front?
28:03I bet we could get a seat now.
28:04What's he trying to hide?
28:06Very little from this angle.
28:07Would you kindly adjust your dress?
28:10They've got inside your box.
28:11I don't mind the being in there.
28:13I can't enjoy my holiday if I know there's some poor, defensive,
28:17little creature going to be turned out into the cold.
28:19You don't want mice romping about inside your personal belongings.
28:22Oh, please.
28:23Here.
28:25It's his ferrets.
28:26He's brought his blasted foot.
28:28That Henry Cooper never goes anywhere with a...
28:31No!
28:32I'm not taking them up there.
28:35I don't like it.
28:36I don't care.
28:52I don't like it.
28:54I don't like it.
28:55I don't like it.
28:56I don't like it.
28:57I don't like it.
28:58I don't like it.
28:58I don't like it.
28:58I don't like it.
28:59I don't like it.
28:59I don't like it.
29:00I don't like it.
29:00I don't like it.
29:00I don't like it.
29:01I don't like it.
29:01I don't like it.
29:02I don't like it.
29:02I don't like it.
29:03I don't like it.
29:03I don't like it.
29:04I don't like it.