- 4 months ago
Category
🛠️
LifestyleTranscript
00:00I can note the sadness, but I can remember and I can also mark the joy in the same breath.
00:06And that has been very helpful.
00:12You start the book as you see Karen in the mortuary.
00:17Can you just describe the feelings?
00:20And do those feelings still haunt you, that scene of seeing her and having to identify her?
00:25Well, it's funny, it plays forever on a little loop that I guess time and distance has made it a little bit easier to sort of think of it in an objective way.
00:37But should I, I mean, I talk about it in the book, you know, scratch the surface with a kind of a doubt or a new sort of wrinkle of grief and I'm in it again fully.
00:48It was a horrible thing to have to do.
00:49But in a strange way, as I've discussed before, it was reassuring in another way because it was so clearly just a body at that point.
00:59Karen was not in there.
01:01And so there was, I guess, a kind of relief that, you know, whatever torture she was put through, it was at least ended now.
01:12And my first reactions were of the logic of it when, okay, yes, that makes sense.
01:19Karen is gone.
01:20This is what happened.
01:20I understand.
01:21I have to go do this now and get her body and do all those things.
01:25The surrender to grief for me wasn't instant.
01:29It took a while.
01:32I think for my mom, it was just like somebody stuck a knife in her too.
01:36I know you've spoke a little bit about that man who murdered her.
01:40Or what would you like to say to her murderer right now through this story?
01:45Well, I'll say it in the book.
01:47I mean, you know, suck it up.
01:49You did the crime.
01:50Just stay where you are.
01:52What is the status currently of him possibly coming up for parole?
01:58Or didn't he ask for, you said, being in that?
02:00He keeps asking for parole.
02:01He can go under review for parole.
02:04He can come, he can do it once a year, I think, at this point.
02:07And sometimes he waves it because he thinks he's got another way out.
02:10And so far, those doors have remained closed to him.
02:13I may have to deal with one day with the idea that he's actually a free man.
02:17I don't want to have to deal with it.
02:19But, you know, the prevailing pattern of leniency in what are basically cruel and unusual crimes are now somehow assuaged by good intentions, I suppose.
02:41Distance, you know, people who did not go through the same thing.
02:44Did he ever reach out and try to apologize?
02:47One of the review boards that I went to, he was on video and did usher or make an apology.
02:57I'm sorry, I killed her, blah, blah, blah.
03:00And then, of course, you know, the last one, he said, well, it wasn't my fault.
03:04You know, I mean, it's just, I think he says what he believes needs to be heard to secure his freedom.
03:10Can I forgive him?
03:10Yes, because I'm a human being.
03:12He's a human being.
03:13I mean, he's done something that's reprehensible.
03:19But in the great scheme of things, you know, if you believe in God, believe in Jesus, believe in things like that, I forgive him.
03:30You wrote that Karen's murder killed a corner of your heart.
03:34And did you escape the feelings of grief and anger through substance abuse at that time?
03:40In God's great wisdom, I didn't have any money then.
03:44So I couldn't afford to escape anywhere.
03:48I couldn't.
03:49I don't know how anybody could have a drinking or a drug problem without money.
03:54So that's my experience was after I actually achieved a certain level of success, I was making enough money to find, you know, new avenues of self-loathing, basically.
04:04And some of those were involved with drinking and drugs.
04:07And I got through it.
04:10And I'm glad I went through it.
04:13I mean, it was I'm a tough customer.
04:15I had to fight pretty hard to beat myself down.
04:20And I realized I didn't deserve that.
04:23So I climbed back out.
04:24You know, you wrote a lot of different things through the book about her.
04:27But could you tell me, what was she like as a person?
04:30Yeah, I've asked some of my friends what they remember.
04:33And they tend to remember that sort of smile of hers.
04:37As my one friend said, like she knew things that she wasn't going to tell us.
04:42I don't know.
04:43She had a kind of a cryptic smile, I guess.
04:46She was just joyful.
04:47We were joyful together.
04:49We enjoyed each other.
04:51There were moments when I said, oh, Karen, stop it.
04:53That's ridiculous.
04:54You know, but that was the big brother thing.
04:56But we laughed a lot.
04:58And it was nice to remember how much laughter and how much fun we had as a brother and sister.
05:04And I had forgotten a lot of that.
05:06And so the writing was therapy in a lot of ways for me.
05:09I think what it did was it gave me a life to carry.
05:13That I had forgotten.
05:16And so that I now have that side by side with the grief.
05:20I can turn from one to the other and remember.
05:24I can note the sadness.
05:25But I can remember and I can also mark the joy in the same breath.
05:30And that has been very helpful.
05:32And that has been very helpful.