It Burns When I Laugh

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00:00:00I love you, baby, baby, say it right through and through

00:00:20I love you in spite of all the prayers I thank you

00:00:25I ain't running around drinking, staying out all night

00:00:30It's gonna take a lot of thinking to figure that it's right

00:00:35Oh, oh, and I'm never gonna get enough

00:00:38It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:00:42You're a hot ball of flame, you burn me up

00:00:47You're a love I cannot take

00:00:49Oh, oh, and I'm never gonna get enough

00:00:52It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:22It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:27It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:32It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:37It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:42It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:47It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:51It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:56It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:01It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:06It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:11It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:16It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:21It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:26It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:31It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:36It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:42It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:47It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:52It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:57It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:03:02It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:03:07Well, excuse me, I apologize

00:03:10I have not introduced my friend, confidant

00:03:14And dare I say, a significant other

00:03:18Mr. Lance Manshaft

00:03:20Well, finally, thank you Miss Manners

00:03:23Well, whatever you know about manners

00:03:26I was the one who taught you

00:03:28I remember years and years and years ago

00:03:30Up at Raymond Burr's house

00:03:32Well, you were so busy oogling the pool boy

00:03:35You couldn't even remember what fork to use

00:03:38So there

00:03:45Hey, are you sure we're going the right way?

00:03:48That's what Eileen said

00:03:50She said it was a rural drive

00:03:52Yeah, uh, rural, that's a good definition

00:03:54This is definitely rural

00:03:58This road better empty out into the town soon

00:04:02You know, Eileen and I were probably playing in someone's house for the kid folk

00:04:06We don't get lost out here

00:04:09That was scary, okay

00:04:10That sounded just like some line out of a B-movie

00:04:12You know, it's like

00:04:14Hope you guys aren't planning on taking me out of the woods here

00:04:16And killing me in some sort of satanic ritual or some shit

00:04:20Oh shit, you found us out, Cheryl

00:04:22Must have seen the goat's head in my suitcase

00:04:25Better call Xavier and tell him the plan's off

00:04:27We'll need to find another virgin

00:04:29You ever notice how

00:04:31Prettier an area is, the uglier the people are?

00:04:35That's because they gotta have something pretty to look at

00:04:37They gotta have something to look forward to

00:04:39Could you imagine me stuck in some nasty ass town

00:04:41Surrounded by a bunch of ugly motherfuckers?

00:04:43Actually, yes, I can

00:04:45It's called doing Fred Schilling's gig in North Dakota

00:04:47I don't think I've ever done that gig

00:04:49What part of North Dakota?

00:04:51I don't know the name of the town

00:04:53Actually, I think it was called Nasty Ass Town, North Dakota

00:04:57I think I want to work that gig

00:04:58Doesn't sound like there's a lot of pudding out there

00:05:00Pudding?

00:05:02You know, like chicks

00:05:04No, like road pudding, you know, groupies

00:05:21Hi, how are you?

00:05:23Good

00:05:26Hey, you didn't even do a show when you're already in, bro

00:05:29That's a lot of pudding

00:05:31That's what I call rude tapioca

00:05:33Not nice

00:05:37What's up with the film crew, gentlemen?

00:05:39We're picking up banjo

00:05:41Oh, uh, we did comics for tonight

00:05:43We're shooting a documentary on stand-up comedy

00:05:47The show's been cancelled

00:05:52What do you mean? Nobody told us

00:05:55After the incident last week, I told Eileen it just wasn't going to work

00:06:00What incident?

00:06:04John, have a seat

00:06:06Please

00:06:14Now, you comfortable?

00:06:16Can't get you anything?

00:06:19All right, now I'm going to talk and you guys are going to listen

00:06:23Last week, one of your brethren insulted one of my better patrons, Big Lenny

00:06:27Patrons? More like denizens

00:06:30I said without comment

00:06:36Anyway, he insulted Big Lenny because he called his mother a whore

00:06:41Now, that's not the issue because, in fact, she is a whore

00:06:44And a very fine whore, old school

00:06:47Most of the guys in this bar have written the passage to manhood in her velvet saddle

00:06:51The thing that irritated him, and me, was the fact that he referred to her like she was common

00:06:57Like she was ordinary

00:06:59You know what, man? That's great

00:07:02But we really need to get out of here

00:07:05I'd love to listen to your story, but since we got screwed on this gig...

00:07:08Son, you can go when I'm finished

00:07:11We kind of got screwed on this gig, so I figure we should probably get going

00:07:16You can go when I'm finished, son

00:07:18Please do not call me son, unless you plan on playing ball with me, okay?

00:07:25Put your head on the bar

00:07:28Put your head on the bar, or I will

00:07:40Now, again, the issue is not whether Lenny's mom is a whore or not

00:07:43The issue is, as you guys come into these, as you call them banjo-picking shithole one-nighters

00:07:48And you talk about us like we're beneath you

00:07:51Like we're just some kind of roadkill on your little Audubon to success

00:07:55Kids, you gotta remember something, this is America

00:07:58These people are America

00:08:00We make you, we break you

00:08:02Without us, you become nothing more than a footnote

00:08:05Of course, maybe you're the exception

00:08:08You, I'm sure, are not

00:08:13Is it okay if I let my head up now?

00:08:16Because I'm having trouble breathing through your uncommon bar

00:08:20Get up

00:08:24Listen, sir, we didn't mean any disrespect

00:08:27But, you know, it's just we're really frustrated

00:08:31We traveled all this way for nothing, and we don't even have a place to stay

00:08:38All right

00:08:40You guys have been attentive to my little ramblings

00:08:43So, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna toss you a bone

00:08:46Now, I got a place about a mile down the road on the right-hand side

00:08:48It's not much, but it's clean

00:08:51So, I'll tell you what I'll do

00:08:52I'll put you guys up for the night

00:08:54Tomorrow, you call Eileen so you can get some kind of compensation

00:08:58Does that sound fair?

00:09:01Believe me, I will call Eileen

00:09:05That sounds... Thank you

00:09:07I really appreciate it

00:09:09You can leave now

00:09:12Leave now

00:09:15Now!

00:09:17Speaking of sleeping arrangements

00:09:21You know, we got one bed here

00:09:23I'm hoping you don't sleep naked

00:09:26Of course I'm not gonna sleep naked

00:09:28Good, because I didn't want us both being naked in the same bed, you know what I mean?

00:09:32You're not sleeping naked

00:09:34Dude, I gotta... I can't sleep in underwear, man

00:09:36I get all bound up and shit down there

00:09:38It doesn't work

00:09:39Underwear? Bullshit, man

00:09:40You're sleeping fully clothed, dude

00:09:41You're sleeping on the floor

00:09:43What are you, like, uh...

00:09:45Not quite sure of your masculinity, or...

00:09:47No, I just don't want to wake up with your masculinity poking me in the back

00:09:52So, does this mean, like, no cuddling?

00:09:57Was Richel was funny?

00:09:59But you're implying he is now?

00:10:02Well, let me just...

00:10:04Let me say something

00:10:05And I'm gonna be the one to say this

00:10:07It's not happening for Richie

00:10:09It's not happening

00:10:10Years ago, it might have

00:10:11And years and years ago

00:10:12But it's not now

00:10:13In a nutshell

00:10:15It's a night show with him calling

00:10:18I like to date the homeless

00:10:20And picking up a homeless...

00:10:21They're really easy to pick up, too

00:10:23It's like picking up a homeless woman's like

00:10:25Hey, baby

00:10:26Wanna keep warm?

00:10:30See the tall one?

00:10:31Oh, yeah?

00:10:32Her name's Nikki

00:10:33She's a stripper

00:10:34She wants me

00:10:35But, uh...

00:10:36Then again, who doesn't, huh?

00:10:38I gotta go

00:10:39A lot of comics were geeks

00:10:41Or nerds, or misfits, or whatever

00:10:42Back, you know

00:10:43It's true

00:10:44And they, uh...

00:10:45You know, they got into comedy

00:10:47To get back at the society that rejected them

00:10:50Or to get the women

00:10:53Who would never give them their time of day

00:10:55Really

00:10:56Because in order for a geek to get laid

00:10:57You've either gotta be famous

00:10:59Or own a software company

00:11:01And pay for a shitload of hookers

00:11:02And these guys would rather tell jokes

00:11:09So this is the comedy condo, as they say

00:11:11This is it

00:11:15Nobody said comics had to be neat, right?

00:11:17Just funny?

00:11:18Right

00:11:19Have a seat

00:11:21The comedy condo's kind of a...

00:11:23Sort of a vicious circle

00:11:25Like, the club puts absolutely no money into it

00:11:28Mm-hmm

00:11:29Because they know that some asshole comic's

00:11:31Just gonna get drunk

00:11:32And trash the place, so...

00:11:34That's why it always looks like shit

00:11:36But you can't really blame the club owners, though

00:11:38Because some comics are just idiots

00:11:40Like, I know some people

00:11:41Who do some, like...

00:11:42Crazy shit, like...

00:11:44So stupid

00:11:45Like, burn holes in the carpets

00:11:47And write on the walls

00:11:49Or get really drunk and pass out

00:11:52Or do really freaky shit to the couches

00:11:56So...

00:11:57Really?

00:11:59I don't mean that couch in particular

00:12:01I'm just giving you an example of

00:12:04What goes on in the comedy condo

00:12:07Actually, I think it was this couch

00:12:09I'd like to, uh...

00:12:10I'd like to get up

00:12:11And I'd like to, uh...

00:12:12I'd like to get one of these

00:12:14The Comics Bible

00:12:16A national paper or a local paper

00:12:19Mm-hmm

00:12:20Because there's usually...

00:12:21There's usually a story that can relate, you know

00:12:23That can fit into a bit

00:12:25That the locals will relate to, you know

00:12:28So you do a lot of current event material and...

00:12:33Not really

00:12:36Unless I see something good

00:12:39I'm gonna try to work it in

00:12:45What's up?

00:12:46You're back early, man

00:12:47What, uh...

00:12:48What happened to, uh...

00:12:49Nikki, uh...

00:12:50That girl you were working on, the stripper

00:12:52Godhead

00:12:55Oh, that's too bad, man, yeah

00:12:57I know how it feels

00:13:00Yeah, it was...

00:13:01Afterward, we're kicking it in her car and, uh...

00:13:03Um...

00:13:05Turns out, uh...

00:13:06You know, we're talking

00:13:07Whatever

00:13:09Turns out, uh...

00:13:10Nikki is short for Nicholas

00:13:13Yeah, he's a fucking transvestite

00:13:16Yeah, thank you

00:13:20Oh...

00:13:23Yeah

00:13:24Next time you see me talking to a chick after a show

00:13:26Just remind me, please

00:13:27To ask her if she's had any prostate trouble in her recent past

00:13:31Would you do that for me?

00:13:33Can I use that?

00:13:34Can I use that?

00:13:35Fuck you

00:13:37So what's your take on Sean?

00:13:39He's funny

00:13:40He's a funny guy

00:13:41Um...

00:13:42But...

00:13:43You know, the only thing is that

00:13:45With Sean, I mean, he...

00:13:48I think he's in it for the fame aspect, really

00:13:50To be honest

00:13:51Because he doesn't stick to one act

00:13:53He's always trying to come up with a gimmick

00:13:55Or, you know, to be a superstar

00:13:59Or he's always jumping on whatever bandwagon comes along

00:14:03Right

00:14:04To, like, get a TV series

00:14:06Anyway, I'm thinking about becoming a prop comic now

00:14:08I mean, I was watching that Potato Head guy

00:14:10His half-hour comedy special the other night

00:14:13And man

00:14:14That guy, he just, like, got a killing in the college market

00:14:18He's killing

00:14:19Are you sure you want to do that?

00:14:20I mean, really

00:14:21Because, like, that gives people no insight into who you are

00:14:25And most prop comedy is really stupid

00:14:30Yeah, but I don't know, man

00:14:31I mean, the people love stupid humor

00:14:32That's it

00:14:33People really love the stupid humor

00:14:34You gotta go for it

00:14:35I gotta go for it

00:14:36I'm thinking that's the way to go

00:14:37I think you should use, you know

00:14:38Work on your religious stuff

00:14:40And make a name for yourself that way

00:14:41Because that's really good

00:14:42And I got nothing against religion

00:14:43Like I said, my mom is very religious

00:14:45I've got nothing against religion

00:14:46I just have a different take on it

00:14:47You know what I mean?

00:14:48Because I'm thinking to myself

00:14:49God, by definition, is the supreme being, right?

00:14:53God's got a message for me

00:14:54God's smart enough to send me, like, a newsletter

00:14:57You know, something comprehensible, logical

00:15:00In a language that someone has spoken in the last 2,000 years

00:15:02You know

00:15:03The only thing that I get that resembles a newsletter, though

00:15:05Are these pamphlets that I get on my doorstep

00:15:07Every morning, every Saturday

00:15:08You know

00:15:09And I'm reading their pamphlet

00:15:10Because I'm a good sport

00:15:11I'm reading, I'm thinking to myself

00:15:12You know

00:15:13I don't think this is the word of God

00:15:14You know, I don't

00:15:15And maybe it's not really the pamphlet

00:15:17So much as it is the paper delivery boy

00:15:19That's bringing it to my doorstep, right?

00:15:21Because I'm looking at this guy going, yeah

00:15:23You know, man

00:15:24Nothing quite says divine messenger better

00:15:27Than a mustard-colored fake tweed jacket

00:15:29With Naga Head elbow patches

00:15:30You know what I mean?

00:15:31And he tells me he knows when the Armageddon is coming

00:15:33Well, judging by his pants

00:15:35Apparently it's coming in flood form

00:15:42Yeah, I heard something

00:15:48Hey, hey

00:15:49Hey

00:15:50Hey, brother

00:15:51That was some funny shit up there tonight

00:15:52Yeah, thanks, man

00:15:53Man, I ain't laughed that hard in a long time

00:15:55Really?

00:15:56For real, for real

00:15:57Yeah?

00:15:58For real

00:15:59Hey, you're alright, too

00:16:00But anyway

00:16:01That shit you were talking about

00:16:03You know, you were talking about

00:16:04Your parents dressing you

00:16:05Yeah

00:16:06I could totally relate

00:16:07Oh, yeah?

00:16:08My parents were the same way

00:16:09I mean, I let my wife dress me

00:16:10I mean, I let my wife dress me now

00:16:11But, like, you can see

00:16:13She's got a bit of a drinking problem, too

00:16:16Yeah, well

00:16:19You know

00:16:21I guess

00:16:22I guess my dad had a dick to photograph

00:16:25Hung like a mule, supposedly

00:16:28She checked to see if it was genetic?

00:16:29Uh-huh

00:16:30Huh?

00:16:31Nothing, he's just trying to be funny

00:16:34Well, leave it to a comedian to try to do a joke

00:16:41Well, I gotta go

00:16:43So soon?

00:16:45Yeah

00:16:46Yeah?

00:16:47Well, my wife's gonna get testy

00:16:49Because when she drinks

00:16:50She gets horny

00:16:52You know what I mean

00:16:53Oh, yeah, sure do

00:16:54Unfortunately

00:16:55But thanks for the visual

00:16:57Huh?

00:17:00Well, I gotta piss

00:17:01Okay

00:17:02You keep going, though

00:17:03You keep at it

00:17:05You're funny

00:17:06You're gonna make it

00:17:07Alright, thanks, man

00:17:08You're gonna make it

00:17:09I appreciate it

00:17:10Thanks, brother

00:17:11Alright

00:17:12Every fucking show

00:17:13There's always some guy

00:17:14Some drunk guy

00:17:15Who's gotta come up

00:17:16From the audience

00:17:17And relate to a story

00:17:18You know what I mean?

00:17:19Gotta tell you some badass joke

00:17:20Or whatever

00:17:21And every town you go to

00:17:22No matter how bad it is

00:17:23The smaller the town

00:17:24The smaller the crowd

00:17:25The worse the jokes

00:17:26Yeah, and the worse the breath

00:17:27Yeah, no shit, man

00:17:28My buzz got stronger

00:17:29Off each sentence

00:17:31Before today

00:17:33I was really thinking

00:17:34Is it all worth it?

00:17:35Or, uh

00:17:36Or should I just pack it in

00:17:37And go, uh

00:17:38Go back to work

00:17:39In 40 hours a week

00:17:40You know?

00:17:41But, uh

00:17:42Now that I got the good work

00:17:43From a man

00:17:44I think I'm gonna stick it out

00:17:47Because apparently

00:17:48I'm gonna make it

00:17:50So do you always walk

00:17:51To get your coffee

00:17:52In the morning?

00:17:53Yeah, I do

00:17:54I like to get coffee

00:17:55Or, uh

00:17:56Or, uh

00:17:57Breakfast

00:17:58Or something to eat

00:17:59You know

00:18:00It's hard to get exercise

00:18:01On the road

00:18:02So I like to, uh

00:18:03I like to walk

00:18:04As much as I can

00:18:05That sounds like a good idea

00:18:06Yeah

00:18:07Hey

00:18:08Hey, man

00:18:09Give me a dollar

00:18:11Come on, shit, dude

00:18:12It ain't for drugs

00:18:13Or booze or nothing

00:18:14Come on, seriously

00:18:15Look at me

00:18:16Fork it over, fucker

00:18:21Dude, I can't believe

00:18:22You just fucking gave that guy

00:18:23A buck, dude

00:18:24Shit, he didn't do anything

00:18:25He didn't even fucking

00:18:26Ask politely

00:18:27Yeah, did you hear

00:18:28The way he asked, though?

00:18:29I mean

00:18:30Give me a dollar

00:18:31What am I gonna do, huh?

00:18:32I'm not gonna argue with that

00:18:33Fuck it, it's only a dollar

00:18:34No, dude

00:18:35It's not the buck, man

00:18:36It's the principle of the matter

00:18:37I mean, you know

00:18:38He

00:18:39Jesus

00:18:40I mean, you gotta make him

00:18:41Work for this money

00:18:42I mean, Jesus

00:18:43What's he gonna do?

00:18:44Whittle me a plaque?

00:18:45Dude, I don't know

00:18:46Make him dance or something

00:18:47Raymond Burr

00:18:48He was so

00:18:49Massive

00:18:50Well

00:18:51Well, dare I say

00:18:52Thick

00:18:53Thick

00:18:54I think

00:18:55Thick is the word

00:18:56We're looking for here

00:18:57Oogling

00:18:58Well, oogling

00:18:59That's what you were doing

00:19:00And don't forget

00:19:01We met, Mr. Burr

00:19:03Lance and I

00:19:04While we were selling

00:19:05Men's furnishings

00:19:06Furnishings?

00:19:07Well, he's a huge man

00:19:08For God's sake

00:19:0922 neck

00:19:1138 sleeve

00:19:15And he owned his own island

00:19:17Ray, for God's sake

00:19:19He was his own island

00:19:20Yes

00:19:22Oh

00:19:23And every Friday night

00:19:25We would all

00:19:27Caravan up to Raymond Burr's house

00:19:29And have dinner

00:19:31Because he was

00:19:32Well, he was a gourmet cook

00:19:34Yeah, oh

00:19:35He made the best remaki

00:19:36Remaki

00:19:39Sorry

00:19:40Remaki to die for

00:19:42And we would

00:19:43Thank you

00:19:44And we would

00:19:45All be up there

00:19:47There you go

00:19:48All of us

00:19:49And we would have dinner

00:19:50And then we would put on a little show

00:19:53Much like

00:19:54Well, sort of a gay

00:19:55Our gang

00:19:56Mm-hmm

00:19:57He was Darla

00:19:58And I was

00:19:59Alfalfa

00:20:00Oh, yes

00:20:01And Raymond Burr would be there

00:20:03In his apron

00:20:04Mm-hmm

00:20:05And for God's sake, not much else

00:20:06Oh, no

00:20:09Good cast set

00:20:10Thanks, bro

00:20:11Fantastic

00:20:12Hey, you had a good set, too, man

00:20:13Oh, thanks, man

00:20:14Excellent

00:20:15I appreciate that

00:20:16The fuck?

00:20:17Dude, isn't that that dude you gave a buck to?

00:20:18Holy shit, you're right

00:20:20He's drinking a beer

00:20:22Oh, wow

00:20:25Hey, didn't I give you a dollar today?

00:20:27Hey, yeah, that's right

00:20:28Thanks, man

00:20:29I appreciate that, that's cool

00:20:30Yeah, but

00:20:31You said you weren't gonna spend it

00:20:32On drugs or booze

00:20:33And here you are drinking a beer

00:20:34What's up with that?

00:20:35No, no, no

00:20:36I used the buck that you gave me

00:20:37For the cover charge

00:20:38That's cool, you know

00:20:39Anyway, I wasn't gonna drink

00:20:40But, you know

00:20:41The club has a two-drink minimum

00:20:42And everything, you know

00:20:43What am I supposed to do?

00:20:44It's not my policy

00:20:45Yeah

00:20:46You know, so

00:20:47Like, you know

00:20:49Anyway, you know what?

00:20:50You were really funny tonight

00:20:51I gotta tell you

00:20:52That shit about your parents

00:20:53Dressing you is classic

00:20:54I remember guys like you in school

00:20:55You know, what a ridiculous

00:20:56Fucking look that is, you know

00:20:57So

00:21:00Anyway, man

00:21:01Keep it up, dude

00:21:02You're going places

00:21:09So, did you give it to him or what?

00:21:10No

00:21:12Got me on a technicality

00:21:14Technicality?

00:21:15What the fuck is wrong with you?

00:21:17He didn't use the dollar I gave him

00:21:18On the beer

00:21:19He used it on the cover charge

00:21:21And you fell for that?

00:21:22Dude

00:21:24Fucking go back over there, dude

00:21:26Alright?

00:21:27And fucking make him do

00:21:28The electric slide or something

00:21:29Dude, I mean

00:21:30He's got to fucking work

00:21:31For his money, dude

00:21:32Bucket, man

00:21:33It's only a buck

00:21:34Dude, it's not the buck

00:21:35It's the principle of the matter

00:21:36You got conned by a guy

00:21:37Wearing nine layers of clothing

00:21:38That's fucking sad

00:21:39No, no, no, it's cool

00:21:40It's cool

00:21:41I got something for my money

00:21:42Oh, yeah, what'd you get?

00:21:43Validation

00:21:44Oh, yeah?

00:21:45Did he relate?

00:21:46Yeah, you know, he did

00:21:47I got two experts

00:21:48Telling me I'm going places

00:21:49You know, I really wish

00:21:50I could live with that

00:21:51But, no

00:21:52That's not good

00:21:55Where's he going?

00:21:56I don't know

00:21:57So, uh

00:21:58I was thinking of

00:21:59Going dancing later

00:22:00Oh

00:22:01You know

00:22:02Find a club or something

00:22:03If you wanted to

00:22:04Come with us

00:22:05Oh, yeah

00:22:06I'm following you guys

00:22:07So, let's do it

00:22:08Alright

00:22:09Cool

00:22:10You know, we don't actually

00:22:12Know where to go

00:22:13So, if you have any suggestions

00:22:15Oh, I'm not as new here as you

00:22:18So, whatever you decide

00:22:19Is great

00:22:22Hey, so

00:22:23Did you get my money's worth?

00:22:24Oh, more

00:22:25Yeah

00:22:27He made me give him a buck, too

00:22:29Oh

00:22:30Well, I guess you showed him

00:22:32You guys ready?

00:22:42Champagne

00:22:43Color your eyes

00:22:45What's your sign?

00:22:47Are you hitting on me?

00:22:48Am I hitting on you?

00:22:49No

00:22:50It's for verification of this ID

00:22:53See

00:22:54If this ain't yours

00:22:55You might have the dates memorized

00:22:57But you're not gonna know the guy's sign

00:22:59Smart, huh?

00:23:00Fucking brilliant

00:23:01Uh

00:23:02I'm a Virgo

00:23:08Cool

00:23:09Five bucks

00:23:10Thanks

00:23:15Do I ever go to the comedy club?

00:23:16Do you ever go to the comedy club?

00:23:17I go every now and then

00:23:18Alright, I'll tell you what

00:23:20Four free passes

00:23:21Four free passes?

00:23:22Right there

00:23:23You come down

00:23:24Check us out

00:23:25We're gonna be there

00:23:26Sunday night

00:23:27Tomorrow's the last night

00:23:28We're gonna be there

00:23:29You come down and check us out

00:23:30Yeah, we'll be there

00:23:31Me and this guy back here

00:23:32We're gonna be there

00:23:33You come down and check us out

00:23:34But even if you don't go tomorrow

00:23:35Come anytime

00:23:36They're good forever, okay?

00:23:37I can go anytime?

00:23:38Anytime you want

00:23:39How's that sound?

00:23:40Great

00:23:41Sound good?

00:23:42Yeah

00:23:43Thank you

00:23:44Wait, wait, wait

00:23:45What?

00:23:46You forgot to pay the cover charge

00:23:47It's five bucks

00:23:48What are you talking about?

00:23:49I thought, you know

00:23:50Oh, all you thought

00:23:51You know

00:23:52I see how it is

00:23:53But there's strings attached

00:23:54You know

00:23:55I don't want your fucking free passes

00:23:58Because they're not really free, are they?

00:24:07Hey, um

00:24:09We're filming a documentary here

00:24:11And if you'll let us in

00:24:12We'll put you in the movie

00:24:13Really?

00:24:14Yeah

00:24:15You'll put me in the movie

00:24:16Yeah

00:24:24How Come chorayım

00:24:29I love you baby

00:24:31Straight right through and through

00:24:34I love you in spite of

00:24:36All of the crazy things you do

00:24:38Well I'm running round and drinking

00:24:41And stayin' in town all night

00:24:43Well it doesn't take a lot of thinkin'

00:24:45To figure that he's right

00:24:48Oh I never get enough

00:24:50Like the fire you etwas me.

00:24:52What are you guys doing?

00:24:54Um, we're making a documentary film.

00:24:56Oh, really? What about?

00:24:57But this guy right here is a comedian.

00:24:59Oh, really? Is that right?

00:25:00Yeah.

00:25:01Yeah.

00:25:02So you're filming now?

00:25:04We're filming right here.

00:25:05You know, he did a show here in town.

00:25:07Oh, yeah.

00:25:08No, that's great.

00:25:09Actually, no.

00:25:10I'll be very quiet.

00:25:12If you try to get out of the way, you know, whatever.

00:25:14But, you know, if the camera shows up,

00:25:16you can cross my face.

00:25:18Very photogenic.

00:25:19Great.

00:25:20Very natural.

00:25:22Fantastic.

00:25:23So let me know if you're okay to do another round.

00:25:24Okay.

00:25:25Great.

00:25:27Thanks.

00:25:29So where are we going next?

00:25:31Um, well, see, Tuesday we've got to be in Sacramento.

00:25:36But Monday, we've got a little one night or someplace in between.

00:25:40It's just, you know, I don't even know the name of the house.

00:25:43You don't sound happy about it.

00:25:45Nah, it's cool. It's cool.

00:25:48I mean, why do you even do it?

00:25:51Well, you know, the lady who books it,

00:25:53she heard we were going to be out in this area.

00:25:55So, you know, she asked if we would do it.

00:25:58And, you know, I figure we're going to be out here.

00:26:02It's a little extra cash.

00:26:03It's on the way.

00:26:04You know, what the hell.

00:26:06You know, it's an awful gig.

00:26:10A lot of owners or bookers will just book you right off that recommendation.

00:26:14Oh.

00:26:15That's how I get into a lot of clubs.

00:26:17I don't know.

00:26:19You're back soon.

00:26:21Didn't find no one to dance with?

00:26:23No, I did.

00:26:24I got slapped.

00:26:26You did?

00:26:27Turned on a charm early.

00:26:29Yeah.

00:26:30Huh?

00:26:31You know, I just didn't want the same thing to happen again,

00:26:34like it did the other night, you know.

00:26:36So, what'd you do?

00:26:38You grabbed her crotch and checked for a penis?

00:26:42Yeah, right.

00:26:44Yeah, right.

00:26:46I just, uh, asked her if she was a woman.

00:26:51You just asked her if she was a woman?

00:26:53Yeah.

00:26:54You just came out and asked her if she was a woman?

00:26:57Yeah.

00:26:59Did she look like she could be a man?

00:27:01Not really, but then again, neither did Nikki.

00:27:06What did she look like?

00:27:08She was all right.

00:27:09Like, I guess she was attractive.

00:27:13There she is.

00:27:14You're an asshole.

00:27:20What's going, Casanova?

00:27:24Way to pick up the chicks, huh?

00:27:26Hi, I'm Sean.

00:27:27Are you a man?

00:27:28Fuck you.

00:27:29That's all the line that gets me in bed.

00:27:31God, I could dance.

00:27:32Oh.

00:27:34I taught dancing at Arthur Murray Dance School in Sioux City, Iowa.

00:27:39True.

00:27:40And I taught Dear Abby and her lovely sister.

00:27:43What is that other nosy bitch?

00:27:45Ann Landers.

00:27:46Ann Landers.

00:27:47Oh, oh.

00:27:48And I taught them how to dance in Sioux City, Iowa.

00:27:51Oh, good God, Sioux City.

00:27:53Try being artistic in that, oh, in Iowa, for God's sake.

00:27:59Sweet Jesus.

00:28:00Well, it was years and years ago.

00:28:03Got a call from the NBC people today.

00:28:06That's great.

00:28:07Was it an audition?

00:28:10No, actually, I had an audition about a month ago for a new sitcom.

00:28:15So did you hear bad news about it, or?

00:28:18Yeah.

00:28:20Apparently, I'm too witty.

00:28:22Too witty?

00:28:23Mm-hmm.

00:28:24Hmm.

00:28:25Yep.

00:28:26They said that Intelligent Comedy was last season.

00:28:29They like my physical stuff, but they don't anticipate physical comedy coming back into fashion for another year or two.

00:28:39That's insane.

00:28:41I mean, if you're funny, you're funny, right?

00:28:44I mean...

00:28:45Yeah, to everybody but the people who count.

00:28:48So what did they say was in fashion?

00:28:53Impressionists.

00:28:54What about Impressionists?

00:28:56Nothing.

00:28:57It's just, I just, I got a call from NBC today, and they told me that my brand of comedy was out of fashion and that Impressionists are in.

00:29:06God damn it!

00:29:07What?

00:29:09Yeah, I just fucking went out and spent like $2,000 worth of, like, you know, on toys.

00:29:14And I went to the toy stores and novelty shops and all these, like, you know, second-hand stores, you know.

00:29:19Buying stuff to assemble and turn into my prop comic act, and now you're telling me it's worthless.

00:29:23Don't worry about it, man.

00:29:24I mean, it's just, you know, I don't know why you care.

00:29:26It's just one guy's opinion, and it'll probably change next week anyway.

00:29:31Yeah, you're probably right.

00:29:33Shit, what am I gonna do, let it go to waste?

00:29:35I mean, look out at the car out there, man.

00:29:37I got, like, I got, like, a trunk full of shit strapped to the roof.

00:29:45Fuck, man.

00:29:46I don't fucking know, right?

00:29:47We're in there for, like, fucking half an hour.

00:29:48We're eating some breakfast.

00:29:49Come out.

00:29:50All my shit is gone.

00:29:51Fucking my, still my whole fucking act has been stolen.

00:29:54Man, this is worse than doing a set in front of Troy Mills.

00:29:56At least he only steals a couple jokes.

00:29:59I wonder, maybe let's have a potato head.

00:30:02All right, guys.

00:30:03Here's the deal.

00:30:04What exactly was missing from the truck?

00:30:05Fucking everything, man.

00:30:06I fucking, I spent out, like, fucking, what?

00:30:07Twenty-five hundred fucking dollars worth of shit this morning.

00:30:09All right?

00:30:10Every fucking thing I had.

00:30:11My whole life savings was in that fucking trunk.

00:30:13All right?

00:30:14Now I got fucking nothing.

00:30:15Everything was in there.

00:30:16Okay, you're a comedian.

00:30:17Well, maybe you should rely on wit and not so much props.

00:30:20Look, man, I was fucking becoming a prop comic, so I didn't need to rely on wit.

00:30:24You obviously don't understand the business, so, you know.

00:30:27All right, well, here's the deal.

00:30:28Please stick to being a cop.

00:30:29Here's the deal.

00:30:30We're not gonna put roadblocks up all over the city to find guys with stolen wigs and five-wheel bicycles.

00:30:35Well, what the fuck are you gonna do, then?

00:30:36This is my fucking life savings, man.

00:30:37I understand that, but we're not gonna block the whole road down for you.

00:30:40I mean, we'll do what we can to try to find you, and if we do, we'll call you.

00:30:43But here's a little advice.

00:30:44If you're gonna be a comedian, maybe you should write some really good material.

00:30:47It's just an idea, because then if this stuff happens, you can at least rely on your wit.

00:30:51All right?

00:30:52All right, whatever, thanks.

00:30:53Talk to you later.

00:30:54Fucking comedy advice from Johnny Law.

00:30:57Now we know why they call him Ironside.

00:30:58Oh, oh!

00:30:59Roll him on in!

00:31:01Oh, that's the wrong theme song!

00:31:06Boom!

00:31:07Shit like this always happens.

00:31:08It does.

00:31:09That's why, you know, I hate to drive anymore.

00:31:10I never drive.

00:31:11And I fly as much as I possibly can.

00:31:13That wouldn't have fucking done me any good anyway.

00:31:15This shit always happens to me.

00:31:17You're right, man.

00:31:18You're right.

00:31:19I mean, bad luck follows you around like B.O. at a Grateful Dead concert.

00:31:25All I'm saying is that if I weren't a punk band, I would never do this.

00:31:29If I weren't a punk band, I would never sell out.

00:31:31You know what I mean?

00:31:32I mean, that's what punk's about, man.

00:31:34It's about, you know, it's about the scene.

00:31:37It's about saying, fuck corporate rock.

00:31:39And how can you say, fuck corporate rock, and then sign like a big three-album deal with like Atlantic or some big record label like that?

00:31:46You know what I mean?

00:31:47I mean, that's like a rabbi converting to Catholicism because somebody gave him a couple of million.

00:31:51You know, all I'm saying is, be true to your convictions.

00:31:53You know what I mean?

00:31:54If you really believe something, believe it.

00:31:55And if you do, be true to your convictions.

00:31:57That's all I'm saying.

00:31:58I agree with you.

00:31:59But, I got a question for you.

00:32:02What?

00:32:04How come you keep changing your act?

00:32:06Change your act into something you're not, just so you can make it big.

00:32:11Isn't that kind of like selling out?

00:32:13I'm not in a punk band.

00:32:16Sean, come on, hurry up, let's get going.

00:32:18I'm coming, I'm coming.

00:32:21I'm almost ready, I just gotta put on my shoes.

00:32:23What's the big rush tonight?

00:32:25It's just, I hear weird things about this club owner, Jared.

00:32:28He's got specific ideas about the way he wants things to be run here.

00:32:32So, since I never worked for him before, I just want him to get there and make a good first impression.

00:32:39Hey, besides, he says, uh, John said he's gonna open up two more clubs, so he's a good guy to be in with.

00:32:45Two more, really?

00:32:46Yeah.

00:32:47Where at?

00:32:48Um, I think he said, Arizona and Texas.

00:32:52But, he said he overheard him saying something about San Jose too, so, it's anybody's guess.

00:32:58Well, that's cool.

00:33:00Alright, I'm ready.

00:33:01Ready to go?

00:33:02Yeah.

00:33:03Alright, cool.

00:33:05Okay.

00:33:08Ready?

00:33:09Yes.

00:33:10Okay.

00:33:12Alright, I got the keys.

00:33:14Hey, do you know what you're gonna be doing tonight?

00:33:15Uh, yeah, I guess I do.

00:33:16Yeah?

00:33:17That's why I'm working on you.

00:33:18Alright.

00:33:19Excuse me.

00:33:21Bartender.

00:33:22Can I talk to you for a second, huh?

00:33:23I don't wanna be rude, I don't wanna get in your face, nothing like that, you know.

00:33:25But, I specifically ordered a margarita blended, no salt.

00:33:30Huh?

00:33:31And there's salt on the rim.

00:33:32No, no, no.

00:33:33Yes, there is.

00:33:34Fucking salt right there.

00:33:35I fucking taste the salt.

00:33:37You're the fucking salt right there, huh?

00:33:38You salted a little bit.

00:33:40Yes, you did.

00:33:41No.

00:33:42Yes, you did.

00:33:43Huh?

00:33:44You fucking ordered it for somebody else?

00:33:45I think I'm the only guy here, huh?

00:33:46You see somebody else ordered a margarita, you fucking prick?

00:33:49Huh?

00:33:50Hey.

00:33:51Bill.

00:33:52My friend Bill's gonna get something to drink.

00:33:53You better not fuck up his order.

00:33:54What do you want, Bill?

00:33:55You want something to drink?

00:33:56I'm not gonna drink, you see, because I'm thinking this time I'm gonna have something

00:33:59like a little, a jello shot maybe.

00:34:01Just a jello shot.

00:34:02Can I get a little tipsy without getting all full up with the water, you know what I'm

00:34:06saying?

00:34:07Mmm.

00:34:10The fuck is wrong with you, huh?

00:34:12Hey, Chris, you're drinking with us, right?

00:34:13You gonna drink with us?

00:34:15No.

00:34:16I'm not drinking again.

00:34:17We've gone out three nights in a row.

00:34:19Every night I gotta take a fucking cab.

00:34:21I'd be damned if I'm gonna get in a cab with those fucking assholes again.

00:34:24The fucking Nazi cab drivers are crazy.

00:34:28Hey, man.

00:34:29You were awesome tonight, huh?

00:34:30Thanks, man.

00:34:31Yeah, I didn't know you could do all those voices.

00:34:33I mean, nobody does, man.

00:34:35I, I, I could always do it.

00:34:37I just never did that stuff before.

00:34:38Really?

00:34:39I didn't want to be known as like a hack or impressionist or nothing like that.

00:34:42No, man, that's funny.

00:34:43That was some really funny shit, man.

00:34:45You should definitely keep that.

00:34:46That's a strong closer.

00:34:47Oh, you think so?

00:34:48Mmm-hmm.

00:34:49Definitely.

00:34:50Oh, cool.

00:34:51That was good, man.

00:34:52Did you get a chance to talk to Jared?

00:34:53Uh, not yet.

00:34:54No.

00:34:55No, he, he said, uh, he was gonna come in here and talk to me.

00:34:57Oh.

00:34:58Oh, yeah?

00:34:59Yeah.

00:35:00He was in the middle of something.

00:35:01I don't know how he couldn't have been happy, though, man.

00:35:02He fucking, he tore that crowd up tonight.

00:35:04Yeah?

00:35:05Yeah.

00:35:06He'd have to be stoked.

00:35:07Hope so.

00:35:08All right.

00:35:09You have Jared's ears.

00:35:10Sean, would you excuse us, please?

00:35:11Yeah, sure.

00:35:12Rich, have a seat.

00:35:13And, Sean.

00:35:14Yeah.

00:35:15I like what I heard tonight.

00:35:16I see potential.

00:35:17Now, we'll talk later.

00:35:18No, thank you.

00:35:19But I definitely will use you in my clubs when I open the new ones in the future.

00:35:20Yeah.

00:35:21Yeah.

00:35:22Yeah.

00:35:23Yeah.

00:35:24Yeah.

00:35:25Yeah.

00:35:26Yeah.

00:35:27Yeah.

00:35:28Yeah.

00:35:29Yeah.

00:35:30Yeah.

00:35:31Yeah.

00:35:32Yeah.

00:35:33Yeah.

00:35:34Yeah.

00:35:35Yeah.

00:35:36Yeah.

00:35:37Yeah.

00:35:38Yeah.

00:35:39Yeah.

00:35:40Yeah.

00:35:41Yeah.

00:35:42Yeah.

00:35:43Yeah.

00:35:44So, I'm going to give you a couple new ones in the future.

00:35:45Thanks.

00:35:46Sounds great.

00:35:47Rich, I, what can I say?

00:35:48John told me you were funny, and I can honestly say, he was right.

00:35:54I just have one question.

00:36:01Ask away.

00:36:02What's your point?

00:36:04I've been a bartender for 13 years, actually 14 years, and working in a comedy club is

00:36:12a little bit different than working in dance clubs, because at a dance club, the bar is

00:36:16where it's happening.

00:36:17You know what I mean?

00:36:18People come to the bar, they're yelling and screaming, they're partying, throwing money

00:36:22around.

00:36:23They buy the drinks from me, they tip me, and that's the way I can pull in two bills

00:36:26a night.

00:36:27Here, it's not so much.

00:36:29I gotta depend on the waitresses to tip me out.

00:36:33And you know, a lot of them got kids, they're single moms, and you know, what's gonna happen

00:36:39there?

00:36:40Julie, how many kids you got?

00:36:42None.

00:36:43Shut up.

00:36:44I like to get to know a lot of the comics that come around here.

00:36:48They're pretty cool, you know?

00:36:50Figure like one of them will make it big and come back and get me, you know, sweep me off

00:36:53my feet.

00:36:54We'll get married and move to like, probably LA.

00:36:57Yeah, we'd probably go to LA, that's where the movie stars live, you know?

00:37:00We could buy like, a big truck with like, big monster tires and a roll bar, we'd totally

00:37:06live it up.

00:37:07Jared decided to take me under his wing and mold me into a great comedian, I mean, who's

00:37:12a better authority on comedy than Jared, he's been in the business, what, 25 years?

00:37:17Anyway, he also told me to change my name, make it into something funny.

00:37:22So you know, he said, if you sound funny, people are gonna think you're funny.

00:37:27Then I figured, uh, Bill Hilarity, boom, what's funnier than hilarity, I mean, hilarity

00:37:32means funny, right?

00:37:33Funny's good, yes, yes, funny is good, but, I require a little extra from my headliners.

00:37:41I want to see a message.

00:37:44I want them to give something to the audience.

00:37:47I gave them what they wanted, right, I gave them laughter.

00:37:51No, no.

00:37:54No.

00:37:57Yes.

00:37:58The thing that pisses me off about this job is the comedians, they don't tip, you know,

00:38:02generally.

00:38:03They're like, hey, I'm the comedian, I'm gonna pay you for the drinks, you know, they take

00:38:06that attitude with me, and that really kind of pisses me off, you know, because they should

00:38:10tip, because we don't really make the money.

00:38:12I'd like to be a bartender, that'd be cool, you know, make the drinks, that'd be cool,

00:38:16because I'm really creative, I could do that, yeah.

00:38:19Like, taste them and like, test them out and like, make up new drinks, because see, the

00:38:22other night I was at home, and my roommate drank all the rest of my beer, so I was mixing

00:38:27together whatever I had, like vodka and tequila, Kahlua, a little grenadine, it was pretty

00:38:33good.

00:38:34All right, but while I was making it, I was making macaroni and cheese for dinner, and

00:38:38I ripped open that little powdered cheese packet, you know, and I spilled some in my

00:38:42drink, and I wasn't gonna get rid of my drink, because that's all I had, you know, so I stirred

00:38:49it up, and I drank it, it was pretty good, yeah, yeah, the cheesy whore.

00:38:54I'm the one in charge here, really, I'm the guy making the drinks, I'm in charge of the

00:38:58comedy juice, I'm pushing it out there, if I make weak drinks, it's gonna be a weak show,

00:39:03if I make strong drinks, it's gonna be a strong show, and that's what I tell these fuckers

00:39:06when they don't tip me.

00:39:08This could be one of those like, theme drinks, like a blow job, or like, sex on a beach,

00:39:11you know, and you could have like, a ritual that you'd have to go through, the bartender

00:39:15would set the drink up in front of you, and you'd have to say something like, where's

00:39:19my fucking sandwich, bitch?

00:39:21Nobody gathered around here, and even if there was people here, you're not supposed to talk,

00:39:25because there's a fucking genius on the stage, you know what I mean?

00:39:27Rich, when you get up on that stage, you grab that microphone, you're the leader, they're

00:39:33looking to you for guidance.

00:39:38Comedy's not about humor, or laughter, or any of that superficial bullshit that people

00:39:43tell you it's about.

00:39:45I'm still working on my jokes, I don't get a lot of laughs, uh, Jared says that's okay,

00:39:50he says, uh, comedy's not about laughter, I think I'm pretty good for a beginner.

00:39:54I'm not telling you how to do your act, okay, and I'm not telling you that I'm not gonna

00:39:58book you in the future, cause, I like you.

00:40:02All I'm saying is, you need to work on a message.

00:40:05I know what I'm talking about, I've been around a long time, I know a lot of people, I have

00:40:12a lot of connections, I've got a lot of people's sitcoms, a lot.

00:40:18And I can do it again, if I truly believe in that person.

00:40:23Your style of comedy's in right now, that intelligent, physical.

00:40:27If I wasn't doing this, I'll be honest with you, I'd probably be a comedian myself, because

00:40:31I'm a funny fuck, you know what I mean?

00:40:35I'm twice as funny as the jerks that get up here.

00:40:40That comic lifestyle thing, that doesn't make it with me, you know, stretching from gig

00:40:44to gig, no pun, they don't make any money, they can make any money, you ever seen the

00:40:47way these guys dress?

00:40:48They're like fucking dirt poor, and I like to live my life, you know, I have a certain

00:40:53standard that I like to live by, you know, I got a good car, my apartment, but I could

00:40:59be a comedian if I wanted to, I got a lot of funny shit, man.

00:41:02Like the other night, this guy comes up to the bar, and he says, he goes, I like Sex

00:41:08on the Beast, and I said, you're gonna have to get her permission on that one, buddy,

00:41:13I can give you permission for that.

00:41:16Anyway, that's just an idea for a joke, but I got hundreds of fucking funny jokes like

00:41:23that.

00:41:24Personally, I think you're exactly what the networks are looking for right now.

00:41:29What I'm saying here is, that when my audiences leave my club, okay, not only do I want them

00:41:35to think, yay, I had a great time, but I want them to be able to believe that they

00:41:40left there with something special, they were able to take something special home with them.

00:41:45Have you tried selling t-shirts?

00:41:49I'm working on this bit about the spotted owl, I'm saving that for when I'm a headliner,

00:41:54he says it's all about the message.

00:41:56Jared knows.

00:41:57You see, runnin' a comedy club, it's not all about fillin' seats, sellin' drinks and

00:42:09bookin' acts.

00:42:12I'm sort of like a surrogate father to some of these young comics that come in here, this

00:42:16club is, it's like a home away from home, you know, and like a good father, I want my

00:42:22comedians to do something with their lives, to really make an impact on society, to give

00:42:27back to the world.

00:42:28You know why?

00:42:29Because that's what comedy's all about, it's about love, it's about caring, it's a, it's,

00:42:34wait a minute, I'm not done here, I'm making a point, hey, where the hell are you going?

00:42:39Hey, who knows more about comedy than Jared?

00:42:42You prick.

00:42:43So did he really get you the sitcom?

00:42:46I don't know, that's what he said, I don't know.

00:42:51He knows a lot of people, he's been in business a while, but this is Sacramento, not exactly

00:42:57L.A., so, could be on the level, but it could just be like a big ego trip for him too, but

00:43:05he wants me to do a little spiel at the end, I'll do it, this club pays pretty well and

00:43:11he's got a pretty good crowd, so, I'll do it.

00:43:14Who are you callin'?

00:43:15Uh, Jim Phillips, comedy contact.

00:43:17Really?

00:43:18Yeah, you know him?

00:43:19Yeah, you work for him?

00:43:20No, I've been trying to get in for like a fucking year, man, just get to run around all the time.

00:43:24Really?

00:43:25Well, he loves me, make him the phone.

00:43:27Really?

00:43:28Yeah.

00:43:29Okay.

00:43:30Hold on, hold on.

00:43:32Yes, Jim, please, Rich Burns, hello, hey Jim, what's up, it's, it's Rich, how you doin'?

00:43:41Good, good, yeah, oh, I know, yeah, I'm gonna be there in, uh, in March, right?

00:43:50Yeah, March 17th, right, excellent, look, I was wondering if you, uh, if you have, uh,

00:43:56do you have a feature for that week?

00:43:59Oh, really?

00:44:00Really.

00:44:01Oh, because I was thinking, I was, well, I was just gonna ask if I could bring my own,

00:44:06Sean Payne, but yeah, he's good, he's good.

00:44:11Oh, well, I've been going on, uh, three weeks with him now.

00:44:15Yeah, no, he's rocking the room, definitely.

00:44:19Okay, he's right here, hold on, do you have, um, second week of April?

00:44:24April?

00:44:25Yeah.

00:44:26Yeah, I got it, it's cool.

00:44:30Yeah, he does?

00:44:32All right, all right, excellent, thanks, Jim, um, yeah, I'll see you soon, okay, I will,

00:44:38bye-bye.

00:44:41You're in, second week of April.

00:44:43No shit?

00:44:44No, I tried to get us to work together, but, you know, you had it filled, so.

00:44:47That easy.

00:44:48Dude, thanks, man, no problem.

00:44:51Well, um, I want to thank you all for coming out, and, uh, I hope you had a good time,

00:44:59because really, that's what it's all about, good times and good laughs, right?

00:45:05I mean, they say, uh, laughter's the best medicine, and, uh, and laughter is a cure-all,

00:45:14both physically and mentally, you know, and if I could make just one of you laugh and

00:45:23brighten up your day, then I've done my job.

00:45:29And all I ask for you in return is that you go out and brighten up someone else's day

00:45:41by either telling them a joke or giving them a compliment.

00:45:46Make someone smile.

00:45:48Because if, if everyone can just make one person smile, or put laughter on another person's

00:45:58lips, then we can heal this torn nation.

00:46:05And answer Rodney King's question.

00:46:11Yes, we can all get along.

00:46:17Hey, what's up?

00:46:18Hey, man.

00:46:19What the hell was that bullshit?

00:46:22Uh, nothing, uh, Jared wants all his headliners to have a message.

00:46:29A message?

00:46:30Yeah.

00:46:31Pretty stupid, huh?

00:46:33It's his fuck club, man.

00:46:35Yeah?

00:46:36I don't know.

00:46:37Do you think anyone bought it?

00:46:40Not a one.

00:46:41I didn't think so.

00:46:44I was sort of screwing around just to show how stupid I look, you know?

00:46:48Who doesn't think I was mocking them?

00:46:51That was beautiful!

00:46:55Absolutely brilliant.

00:46:56Did I tell you, or did I tell you?

00:46:58You gotta trust Jared, huh?

00:47:00I've been in this business too long to be wrong, baby.

00:47:03Hey, I tell you what, take note of your friend here.

00:47:06If you ever want to be a headliner, he's good.

00:47:09Fuckin' beautiful.

00:47:16Sean?

00:47:17Hey!

00:47:18What's happening?

00:47:19Wow.

00:47:20I didn't think you made it.

00:47:22Yeah, I came in a little late, but, you know, I only missed like two minutes of your act.

00:47:27Wow, you look great.

00:47:29You look really great.

00:47:30Oh, um, this is Cheryl, by the way.

00:47:32Hi.

00:47:33Cheryl, the one in your documentary, and Scary Crew.

00:47:35Hi.

00:47:36And this is the other comic, Rich.

00:47:37Hi.

00:47:39Hi.

00:47:40This is Alyssa.

00:47:41I'm sorry, my sister, Alyssa.

00:47:42Oh, hi.

00:47:43You look nothing like Sean.

00:47:45Thank God.

00:47:46I know.

00:47:47Well, we're not really related.

00:47:49Oh, you're not?

00:47:50No.

00:47:51Are you like stepbrother and sister?

00:47:53Kind of.

00:47:54It's a long story.

00:47:56Maybe I'll tell you about it later, you know?

00:47:58Actually, you know, I live here in Sac.

00:48:00Maybe we can get together later on in the week and hang out or something.

00:48:03I thought you were really funny.

00:48:04Oh, really?

00:48:05Mm-hmm.

00:48:06Sure.

00:48:07That'd be great.

00:48:08Yeah, we could go get a cup of coffee or something.

00:48:10Yeah.

00:48:11You never told me you had a sister.

00:48:13Yeah, I didn't know that was supposed to be your own personal Czech fucking glory.

00:48:17Hey, man.

00:48:18I'm not picking up on your sister.

00:48:20This is Chris, Sean.

00:48:21We're just talking.

00:48:23I'm sorry.

00:48:24I'm just...

00:48:25I overreacted, I guess.

00:48:28I just had this kind of thought of my sister dating a comic.

00:48:32I don't know.

00:48:34I'm just...

00:48:35I don't know.

00:48:36It's stupid.

00:48:38You?

00:48:39Yeah.

00:48:40Pretty much.

00:48:41Sorry, man.

00:48:42No offense.

00:48:43It's all right.

00:48:44I don't know.

00:48:45Get us some drinks or something.

00:48:48I'll go with you.

00:48:49Why don't you guys sit?

00:48:50You mind talking?

00:48:51Yeah, that's fine.

00:48:52So how exactly are you two related?

00:48:55His dad was going to marry my mom.

00:48:58And we lived together for about five years or so in high school.

00:49:02And then his dad cheated on my mom.

00:49:05And they broke up.

00:49:07But during that time, we called each other brother and sister

00:49:10because I had two other friends named Sean and a cousin named Sean.

00:49:14So when I would say Sean, people would say Sean who?

00:49:18Sean Andrews, Sean McNamara, your cousin, or your brother.

00:49:22So it just became my brother.

00:49:24Right.

00:49:25And then after our parents broke up, we just kept calling each other brother and sister.

00:49:29I guess it's because we're the same age.

00:49:32We developed a tight bond or something.

00:49:35Have you always been close, even from the beginning?

00:49:37No, not at all.

00:49:39At first, he would always try to get with me.

00:49:42And when I think about it now, it's really kind of gross.

00:49:47It seems so incestuous now.

00:49:50So you're saying that Sean picked up on you?

00:49:52Yeah.

00:49:53Like when we'd watch a scary movie or something,

00:49:56he'd act all scared and then try to cuddle up to me.

00:49:59And then sometimes, he would say that he couldn't sleep

00:50:04and he'd want to come into my room and sleep with me in my bed.

00:50:07And even when we got older, he always, always had to hug me.

00:50:12And they were long hugs, too.

00:50:14Come to think of it, he still does it.

00:50:16But you never thought about it?

00:50:18I mean, even before you considered yourself related.

00:50:21Oh, no. No way.

00:50:23I mean, he was gross.

00:50:25I mean, when we first met, he was so white trash.

00:50:29He and his dad, they're from the mountains.

00:50:32I'm from Los Gatos.

00:50:34We're just a totally different class of people.

00:50:37Not to sound snobby or anything, but that's just the way it was.

00:50:41And you should have seen his clothes.

00:50:44I mean, so thrift store.

00:50:47And I'm not talking retro-cool thrift store.

00:50:50I'm talking goodwill thrift store.

00:50:52Wrangler.

00:50:53Oh, yeah. Totally dirty.

00:50:55Smelly.

00:50:56Yeah. Stinky.

00:50:57Like this couch.

00:50:59But luckily, under my guidance, he's completely changed.

00:51:04I've washed the white trash completely out of him.

00:51:09Hey, I met a chick. We're going to a strip club.

00:51:11You guys want to go with?

00:51:13So do you get to run around a lot?

00:51:15Are you kidding me?

00:51:17Check this out.

00:51:29Comedy Club.

00:51:31Yeah, can I speak to Brad, please?

00:51:33Uh, hold on a moment.

00:51:35Sir, Mayfield is calling.

00:51:37Yeah, this is Sean Payne.

00:51:39Hold on.

00:51:43Mr. Payne, what's his priority?

00:51:45Yes, I sent him a tape, and I was just calling to check up.

00:51:48Okay. Hold on again.

00:51:52Sir, Mr. Johnson's in a meeting right now.

00:51:55Sir, Mr. Johnson's in a meeting right now.

00:51:58Can I have a return your call, please?

00:52:00No, thanks. I'll just hold.

00:52:02Sir, he's in a meeting. It could be hours.

00:52:05That's fine. I'm on my parents' phone.

00:52:07Hold on.

00:52:12Sir, Mr. Johnson must have stepped out for a moment.

00:52:15I'll need to take that message and have a return your call.

00:52:18Actually, you know what? I'll tell you where you can find him.

00:52:21He's in a fucking meeting.

00:52:23You're never going to work there.

00:52:25I know. I don't even want to work there anymore, man.

00:52:27It's like fucking, you know...

00:52:29Someday I'll work there.

00:52:31He'll be calling me, and I'll work there for triple money.

00:52:34Fucking bastard.

00:52:36So, do you still have to put up with that stuff, too?

00:52:39To a certain extent, yeah.

00:52:41I mean, I can get a lot more recommendations now, but...

00:52:44You know, I mean, unless you're a household name,

00:52:47and you've been on the biggies like Carson or Leno, Letterman,

00:52:51The Mo Show, or you have your own HBO special,

00:52:54and you've still got to prove to them that you're good.

00:52:57I was on the star search of its day.

00:52:59The Ted Mack amateur hour.

00:53:01Oh, yes, lovely.

00:53:03And I, uh, well, I would put on Mother's dress,

00:53:06and, oh, Mother, lovely, lovely person.

00:53:10Wonderful human being.

00:53:12Dare I say, true candidate for sainthood.

00:53:16God bless us all.

00:53:18We have a homeless problem in L.A.,

00:53:21but, uh, you know, a lot of people say it's a homeless problem.

00:53:24I don't like to call it a problem. I, I, I...

00:53:27Hi.

00:53:28Oh, hi.

00:53:29So, uh, I hear you're the, uh,

00:53:31chick who's doing the documentary on Rich?

00:53:34Yeah, yeah, that's me. I'm, I'm a chick.

00:53:37Uh, I, I didn't mean, uh...

00:53:39Oh, no, that's...

00:53:40Todd. Hi, how's it going? I'm Todd Adams.

00:53:42Hi, Cheryl. Nice to meet you.

00:53:44I'm a comic, too. I'm from, uh, Sacramento.

00:53:47Oh, great. Oh, cool. Are you just starting out?

00:53:49Uh, no. No, I'm a pro. I've been doing this years.

00:53:53Yeah, I'm just taking a little time off, you know?

00:53:56I've, uh, gotten a little too much work lately,

00:53:58and, uh, figured, you know...

00:54:00I'm surprised you haven't heard of me.

00:54:02Yeah, I, you know, I do shows all the time.

00:54:05No, I'm, I'm, I'm no comedy aficionado.

00:54:08Well, you know, we can't all be.

00:54:12So, uh...

00:54:14Why Rich?

00:54:16Well, why not, Rich?

00:54:18Is there something wrong with him or something?

00:54:20Well, you know, I mean, you know,

00:54:22you're not really big into originality.

00:54:24He's one of the most original comics I've ever seen.

00:54:27I mean, you know, I think his material's hilarious.

00:54:29Listen, I'm not bagging on him.

00:54:31Okay, he's a buddy of mine.

00:54:33I'm just saying, you know.

00:54:35Most of the jokes, most of the ones

00:54:37that are really working for him, uh,

00:54:39I kind of helped him with.

00:54:41Yeah, I'd say I, uh, I'd say I wrote about half the act.

00:54:43Yeah, the punch lines.

00:54:45Really? Wow.

00:54:47So, so, you're saying that, that,

00:54:49that he stole material from you, or...?

00:54:51Uh, no, I'm not saying stole.

00:54:53I'm just saying, uh,

00:54:55borrowed.

00:54:57Like that, that, uh,

00:54:59that joke right there?

00:55:01Yeah, it was crap

00:55:03before I helped him out with it.

00:55:05He ran up by me, and I, uh, you know,

00:55:07threw him a line or two, and he, uh,

00:55:09he slipped me some chump change for it.

00:55:11Really? Really? Wow.

00:55:14Don't say anything to him.

00:55:16Because a lot of times when a comic buys a joke,

00:55:18you know, they get testy about it.

00:55:20They want everyone to think they wrote it.

00:55:22So, uh,

00:55:24yeah, don't, try not to, uh,

00:55:26bring it up.

00:55:28You know, for riches sake.

00:55:30Yeah, I mean, wow, I don't know what to say.

00:55:32That's, that's, that's interesting.

00:55:34I'd love to see you sometime.

00:55:36Oh, lucky you.

00:55:38I'm coming by tomorrow night.

00:55:40Oh, really?

00:55:42Be here, get ready to get blown away.

00:55:44Okay.

00:55:46Well, it was nice meeting you.

00:55:48Nice meeting you, Todd Adams.

00:55:50Hey, hey,

00:55:52you suck,

00:55:54dick.

00:55:56Uh, excuse me?

00:55:58Sorry, I didn't, I suck dick?

00:56:00Well, sorry,

00:56:02I don't know what your boyfriend told you here,

00:56:04but I've never seen him before.

00:56:06Hey, we're not gay, dude.

00:56:08And I said, you suck,

00:56:11dick?

00:56:13Because dick is short for rich, right?

00:56:15Wasn't that mean?

00:56:19Dick?

00:56:21And my father's name was Dick.

00:56:23And they used to call me Little Dick.

00:56:25My friends used to call,

00:56:27my friends used to call up and my mom would say,

00:56:29oh, do you want to speak to Big Dick or Little Dick?

00:56:31And the other thing,

00:56:33I mean, it's tough like,

00:56:35when, uh, you know,

00:56:37meeting girls, it's tough when your name's Dick.

00:56:39But remember, my last name's Burns.

00:56:41You know, what am I supposed to do?

00:56:43Dick Burns.

00:56:45So, you know, about five years ago

00:56:47we started this, taken off, done pretty well,

00:56:49made a little money, had a lot of fun, right?

00:56:51Hey, aren't you Dre Sims?

00:56:53Host of Hip Hop Comedy Showcase, right?

00:56:55Yes, I am.

00:56:57I'm a huge fan of your show, man.

00:56:59Thank you very much, man. I saw your set.

00:57:01Oh, that's cool, man. I'm such a fan, I swear.

00:57:03I love your show.

00:57:05Oh, really? Oh, cool, man.

00:57:07So what's the deal

00:57:09with this guy Todd Adams?

00:57:11Todd Adams?

00:57:13Yeah. Thank you.

00:57:15Well, he said that you were using his material

00:57:17or you...

00:57:19What? I was using...

00:57:21He said that I was using his material?

00:57:23Well, yeah, I mean, something like that.

00:57:25Like you bought his jokes

00:57:27or you bought his material.

00:57:29I bought my material from Todd Adams.

00:57:31He made a big point of saying it.

00:57:33I was wondering

00:57:36what it takes

00:57:38to get on the show. I'd like to get on the show if I could.

00:57:40You understand that it's a black show?

00:57:42Oh, yeah.

00:57:44And you realize

00:57:46you're white?

00:57:48Yeah, what's the problem?

00:57:50It's a black show

00:57:52like the Apollo, right?

00:57:54Black audiences coming to see

00:57:56black comics.

00:57:58Yeah, but I work black rooms all the time. Black audiences love me.

00:58:00I kick ass in the black rooms.

00:58:02I gotta tell you, man, I've had a few white people on before, man.

00:58:04They suck, man. They don't do very well.

00:58:06Yeah, but I can do it. You know why?

00:58:08Because I'll tell you something.

00:58:10I know no color lines, okay?

00:58:12I don't know no color lines.

00:58:14And I don't even think, to be honest with you,

00:58:16that color has anything to do with pigmentation.

00:58:18Okay, so wait.

00:58:20If color has nothing to do with pigmentation,

00:58:22what is color?

00:58:24It's about what you have to say, man.

00:58:26It's like who you are, what your point is,

00:58:28what's your message to all the people.

00:58:30That's what it's about.

00:58:33So you've been talking to Jared, right?

00:58:35Man, I'm serious, man. I'm totally serious.

00:58:37Look, dude, I can do a good...

00:58:39I can do a black comedy

00:58:41from a white perspective.

00:58:45Black comedy from a white perspective?

00:58:47Yeah, man, I speak Ebonics.

00:58:49Okay, wait. I'll tell you what.

00:58:51I'm gonna give you my card, man.

00:58:53We're having auditions all around the country, you know?

00:58:55We'll be back here in about six months,

00:58:57and I'll get you an audition for next season.

00:58:59Really? For reals?

00:59:01Dude, that's killer, man.

00:59:03That sounds so killer. I'm gonna be in touch.

00:59:05Don't say killer.

00:59:07Word.

00:59:09Word.

00:59:11Thanks, man. I'll call you.

00:59:13Six months. I'll call you.

00:59:15Six months. No sooner.

00:59:17That guy, he opened for me

00:59:19at a one-nighter in Montana.

00:59:21He's been waiting.

00:59:23He's been asking me to take him

00:59:25on the road with me.

00:59:27Shit, he lives here

00:59:29and he can't even get into this club.

00:59:31Well, actually, he said he was gonna be here

00:59:33tomorrow night, and I should totally check out the show.

00:59:35He's doing a guest set?

00:59:37Yeah.

00:59:39No shit.

00:59:41Oh, man. I am gonna give him so much shit.

00:59:43No, you know what? I'm not there yet.

00:59:45I don't even have to.

00:59:47He's gonna hang himself up there.

00:59:49What's that?

00:59:51Talking about Todd Adams.

00:59:53You know him? That guy?

00:59:55Oh, he was at the bar earlier? Not funny, right?

00:59:58Yeah.

01:00:00He told Cheryl that

01:00:02I buy my material from him.

01:00:04Yeah. No way.

01:00:06What a fucking idiot.

01:00:08I know, man. He's doing a guest set here tomorrow night.

01:00:10You gonna beat his ass or what? I'd beat his ass.

01:00:12No, you know what? Let me beat him.

01:00:14Let me do it.

01:00:16Non-funny motherfucker!

01:00:18First, first, first.

01:00:20I'm gonna let him do it with the set.

01:00:22He'll fucking beat his own ass.

01:00:24Did I, uh...

01:00:26I saw you talking to

01:00:28Dre Sims over there. What's that about?

01:00:30Um, I don't know.

01:00:32I was talking to him about, uh,

01:00:34getting auditioned for a hip-hop comedy showcase.

01:00:36Why?

01:00:38What do you mean, why?

01:00:40Dude, have you seen that show?

01:00:42Have you seen the people on that show, dude?

01:00:44Yeah. They all do the same act.

01:00:46Yeah, exactly. And they get the, like, TV show with the ass.

01:00:48I mean, everybody that's been on that

01:00:50is now working in, like, sitcom

01:00:52or movies or something, dude.

01:00:55And that's my calling.

01:00:57Yeah, but, Sean,

01:00:59you forget one minor thing.

01:01:01You're white.

01:01:03They don't like white people on that show.

01:01:05No, dude, that's not true.

01:01:07They just don't relate

01:01:09to what most white comics are talking about.

01:01:11That's the problem.

01:01:13Uh-huh.

01:01:15I'm gonna do a whole different set, okay?

01:01:17I'm gonna do black comedy, all right?

01:01:19From a white perspective.

01:01:21Black comedy from a white perspective.

01:01:23Yeah.

01:01:25And what are you gonna talk about growing up in the hood?

01:01:27You're from Los Gatos, California,

01:01:29vanilla latte.

01:01:31What could you possibly relate to?

01:01:33You said it yourself.

01:01:35They all do the same act, right?

01:01:37All I gotta do is watch some of the tapes,

01:01:39watch the show,

01:01:41then all I gotta do is, like, take all the niggas

01:01:43and change it to, like, crackers or honkies

01:01:45and I'm fucking set.

01:01:47Oh, good luck, man.

01:01:49You got a set of balls on you anyway, I'll tell you that.

01:01:51Maybe it'll work.

01:01:53Damn straight.

01:01:55Dude, I had to tell you.

01:01:57That pot shit

01:01:59was so fucking great.

01:02:01It was so

01:02:03fucking true, man.

01:02:07I can't believe you don't

01:02:09smoke pot no more, man.

01:02:11You're fucking lying.

01:02:15You're a closet toker and it's 4.20, dude.

01:02:18Really?

01:02:20Hey.

01:02:22I got some chai and bud

01:02:24loaded in my bong right now in the parking lot.

01:02:26Let's fire it up, bro.

01:02:28Oh, thanks,

01:02:30but I really did quit.

01:02:32Pot smokers don't quit.

01:02:34They graduate.

01:02:38I'm just giving you shit, bro.

01:02:40You really, you actually,

01:02:42you drive around with a bong?

01:02:44Actually,

01:02:46it's a water pipe.

01:02:48I work at one of those head shops

01:02:50and it's illegal for us to call it a bong.

01:02:52That's why when you go in there

01:02:54they always say it's for tobacco.

01:02:56Really?

01:02:58No shit.

01:03:00Pot's fucking illegal, you know?

01:03:02Really?

01:03:04Thanks, man.

01:03:06Thank you, bro.

01:03:09Dude.

01:03:11Is that thing on, bro?

01:03:13Yeah.

01:03:19Hey, man, can you do like that squiggly thing

01:03:21to my face like on cops?

01:03:23Because if my boss sees this, I'm fucked

01:03:25and if my parole,

01:03:27six months, I have to keep a job.

01:03:29Fuck!

01:03:31I'm out of here!

01:03:33Good luck, bro. You're going places.

01:03:35Thanks, man.

01:03:37So, do you guys always come out to see Rich?

01:03:39Oh, yeah, we come here all the time.

01:03:41And this is the first time we've been here

01:03:43twice in one week, though.

01:03:45This Rich Burns guy is hysterical.

01:03:47We love Dick! Dick rocks!

01:03:49We love Dick!

01:03:51The good news is Jared has decided

01:03:53to give you five minutes of his stage time.

01:03:55Great.

01:03:57You'll be wearing that.

01:03:59Yeah, pretty cool, huh?

01:04:01So, five minutes means you're off the stage

01:04:03by 8.20, not 8.21.

01:04:05Not 8.19, 8.20.

01:04:07Understood?

01:04:09Got it. 8.20. No problem.

01:04:11Are you going to watch my magic?

01:04:13I'll be watching.

01:04:15Cool, because I'm going to kick some ass.

01:04:17Pay attention.

01:04:21Okay. We'll see.

01:04:27Keep going.

01:04:29Yeah, absolutely.

01:04:31So, how's it going, y'all?

01:04:34You doing pretty good?

01:04:36Yeah, good.

01:04:38So, I'm a comic. I'm from Sacramento.

01:04:40The Freshmaker?

01:04:42The Freshmaker?

01:04:44Yeah, all right.

01:04:46So, I've been traveling around

01:04:48quite a bit, you know,

01:04:50trying to watch a little TV,

01:04:52a little bit of the Yan Can Cook.

01:04:54What's the deal with that, motherfucker?

01:04:56Anyway.

01:04:58Dude, he's got like five minutes.

01:05:00When's he going to get to his set?

01:05:02This is his set.

01:05:04You know what I'm talking about, mister, right?

01:05:06Yeah, he knows.

01:05:08So, I'm taking a shit, right?

01:05:10And it's not one of the nice, chunky ones,

01:05:12one of the easy ones that

01:05:14you're going to use less than half a roll.

01:05:16I'm talking about a wet one.

01:05:18You know, where it's like going down

01:05:20and splashing on my butt.

01:05:22You know, sir, yeah, you feel me on that.

01:05:24My dad, ladies and gentlemen.

01:05:26I specifically told him

01:05:28five minutes.

01:05:31Five minutes.

01:05:33And I've been giving him the light now

01:05:35for like two minutes.

01:05:37That's seven minutes.

01:05:39You know what it is?

01:05:41He's inconsiderate.

01:05:43He is oblivious to his actions

01:05:45and he's inconsiderate.

01:05:47That is intolerable.

01:05:49You ever drink

01:05:51and you wake up the next day

01:05:53with injuries, you know,

01:05:55like a broken hand from beating your kids?

01:05:57Beat your kids

01:05:59is what I'm getting at.

01:06:01You know what I'm saying?

01:06:03Be a lot less trouble in the world

01:06:05if people just keep the spanking going.

01:06:07And I'm not just talking about me and the neighbor.

01:06:09You off!

01:06:11You off!

01:06:13Oh, this.

01:06:15He is never going to work

01:06:17in my club again.

01:06:19I specifically told him five minutes.

01:06:21What is it?

01:06:23Ten minutes!

01:06:25I've told him already.

01:06:27Light him.

01:06:29So, uh, this is

01:06:31Dirty Socky's impression of Jack Nicholson.

01:06:33Okay, everybody ready?

01:06:35Dirty Socky doing

01:06:37Jack Nicholson.

01:06:39You know who Jack Nicholson is, sir?

01:06:41Yeah. Okay, well, here we go.

01:06:43Here's Socky!

01:06:45Here's Socky!

01:06:47Socky!

01:06:49Get him off my stage.

01:06:51Get him off Jared's stage.

01:06:53Don't you have an emcee for this or what?

01:06:56Here's Socky doing an impression

01:06:58of... I have him

01:07:00on a very important project. He cannot be

01:07:02interrupted right now.

01:07:04I don't care what you say.

01:07:06Just get him off the friggin' stage, okay?

01:07:08Alright, come on. Go.

01:07:10Alright.

01:07:12So, uh, yeah. How about a hand for your weight

01:07:14staff, everybody? Are your weight staff

01:07:16working? Yeah, I'll tell you

01:07:18something. One of these girls is going to have a

01:07:20kid. I've decided.

01:07:22Plenty of time.

01:07:24So, uh,

01:07:26I travel around the country a lot.

01:07:28Been over to Wyoming.

01:07:30Boy, those people are stupid.

01:07:32I, uh,

01:07:34I was thinking about... Hey, Todd Adams, ladies and gentlemen.

01:07:36Give it up for Todd. Let's hear it for Todd.

01:07:38Yeah, how about it for me? Yeah, everybody.

01:07:40Hey, what do you think? So, uh...

01:07:42So how about those Asian drivers,

01:07:44huh? Hey, Jesus Christo,

01:07:46if I see another slanny in my rearview,

01:07:48people, you know who I'm talking about?

01:07:51You know who I'm talking about?

01:07:53You know, they're always there.

01:07:55Hey, so folks, thanks a lot. I'm Todd Adams.

01:07:57Tip your weights.

01:07:59Whoa, whoa. Hey.

01:08:01What the hell was that?

01:08:03What was what? What the fuck are you

01:08:05doing up there? I said five minutes.

01:08:07Did I say five minutes?

01:08:09You said five minutes. See? I said five minutes.

01:08:11And you did ten minutes. I had to have your ass dragged

01:08:13off the friggin' stage. What the fuck are you doing?

01:08:15Well, I figured, you know, since I was killing...

01:08:17You were killing? You were killing?

01:08:19You were killing me. What audience were you

01:08:21performing in front of? You were killing my business.

01:08:23Look, pal, when I say five minutes,

01:08:25I mean five minutes.

01:08:27Five minutes. Period.

01:08:29You're never gonna work here.

01:08:31Ever. I never want to see you in my club again.

01:08:33Now get the fuck out of here.

01:08:37Hey, the door's that way.

01:08:39I gotta get my stuff

01:08:41out of the green room. Oh, you gotta get your stuff.

01:08:43Hey, I tell you what.

01:08:45I'll give you five minutes.

01:08:47Can you do five minutes?

01:08:49That'd be really good.

01:08:51Come on. I tell you what. I'll give you a light at four.

01:08:53See, I still got the light. See?

01:08:55Can you see it now? Is it close enough?

01:08:57What do you think I was trying to do? Land a fuckin' plane?

01:09:03Hey, buddy. That was a nice set.

01:09:05Hey, thanks, man.

01:09:07Hey, you know that joke about Yen Can Cook?

01:09:09Can I buy that outfit?

01:09:13So did you get paid?

01:09:16Yeah.

01:09:20What time's the plane

01:09:22taking off tomorrow?

01:09:24Early.

01:09:26Like 8 o'clock, I think.

01:09:28I gotta check when I get back to the condo.

01:09:30You gonna need a ride back to the airport or something?

01:09:32Because I'm taking off early in the morning, so

01:09:34if you need a ride, I'll take you.

01:09:36No, I think so. But Jared said

01:09:38he'd give me a ride. Oh, really?

01:09:40Oh, that's cool.

01:09:42Yeah, I'm thinking about...

01:09:44What are you gonna do? You gonna hang out

01:09:46or are you going back to the condo right now?

01:09:48I think I'm gonna bail.

01:09:50Oh, really?

01:09:52I think I'm gonna get packed

01:09:54and go to bed.

01:09:56Oh, that's cool.

01:09:58I'm thinking about

01:10:00hanging out for a little while.

01:10:02Oh, yeah?

01:10:04Blow my check, something like that.

01:10:06Have fun.

01:10:08Hey, I was gonna ask you.

01:10:10Did Jared give you a week back here already?

01:10:13He told me to call him next week.

01:10:15Oh, really? Yeah, he loves me now.

01:10:17Oh, really? That's cool.

01:10:19He said he's gonna put a call in to his friend at the mo-show.

01:10:21Oh, really? Does he actually know people at the mo-show?

01:10:23I don't know, that's what he says.

01:10:25Find out.

01:10:27Well, good luck with that, man. I hope that goes for you.

01:10:29Thanks, man. Give me a call when you get back.

01:10:31I will.

01:10:33Thank you. Thanks again.

01:10:35Hey, you two

01:10:37drive home safely, okay?

01:10:39Okay. Bye.

01:10:41All right, buddy.

01:10:43So, uh...

01:10:45So, uh...

01:10:47What do you think of me now, you know?

01:10:49Funny?

01:10:51Interesting? Stimulating?

01:10:53Yeah.

01:10:55But you still don't have a chance.

01:10:59I figured, you know. What the hell, right?

01:11:01I mean, probably the last time I'm gonna see you, right,

01:11:03I might as well at least try.

01:11:05I probably would have been strangely disappointed if you hadn't, so...

01:11:07Well, then, in that case, how about, you know,

01:11:09like, a good-bye hug, something like that?

01:11:11Oh, God, no, no. Your sister.

01:11:13She might be jealous.

01:11:15Oh, really?

01:11:17Yeah.

01:11:19I kind of knew she'd like me. What'd she say?

01:11:21So, how are things since I last saw you?

01:11:23Good. Good.

01:11:25I got a spot on the mo-show.

01:11:27You did? Oh, my God, congratulations.

01:11:29So, when is it happening?

01:11:31Um, two weeks from Thursday.

01:11:33I'll be there.

01:11:35Thanks, you guys, but wait, there's more.

01:11:38Kate Moss clothes-hanging right there.

01:11:40That's right, I found this floating out in the ocean out there.

01:11:42You know what kind of wood that is right there, sir, right there?

01:11:44What kind of wood? It's a Natalie wood.

01:11:46So, speaking of Sean,

01:11:48have you seen or heard from him since Sacramento?

01:11:50Uh, yeah.

01:11:52Actually, he called me yesterday.

01:11:54He's gonna be back up at Jared's next week

01:11:56for the comedy hip-hop

01:11:58showcase audition. Wow.

01:12:00I'm gonna go. You are?

01:12:02Yeah, do you wanna go? Yeah.

01:12:04All right, everybody.

01:12:06I want y'all to kick on back and relax

01:12:08and enjoy this next young man coming up to the stage

01:12:10right now from Los Gatos, California.

01:12:12Show your love for Sean Payne.

01:12:14What's up? What's up?

01:12:16How you guys doing? What's going on?

01:12:18Hip-hop comedy showcase.

01:12:20I pull down my pants, the bitch is like,

01:12:22Goddamn! Man, that's the whitest brother

01:12:24I have ever seen, you know what I mean?

01:12:26And they'll be like, they're looking at me, and they're like,

01:12:28Damn, man, this guy, he's got, like,

01:12:30more white meat than Thanksgiving.

01:12:32He could stay in the pussy for days, man.

01:12:34No, because we have to, you know what I mean?

01:12:36Because we ain't got that big shit that y'all got,

01:12:38you know what I mean? So we gotta stay in there

01:12:40for, like, three, four days, you know?

01:12:42And you know we invented oral sex, too, right?

01:12:44You know that. You know the brothers don't be doing that shit.

01:12:46We invented that shit. I make a picnic out of it.

01:12:48You know, I take a bib and shit. I'm all up in that

01:12:50motherfucker, you know what I'm talking about?

01:12:52I just get dirty, you know what I'm talking about?

01:12:54But there really is a difference between

01:12:56the way that we make love, you know what I mean?

01:12:58You can see it in, like, the cars we drive.

01:13:00Yeah. Yeah.

01:13:02Like, a white guy, man, cracker drive like a little old

01:13:04economy car, right?

01:13:06It's small, you know?

01:13:08It gets good gas mileage, goes long on one tank,

01:13:10you know what I'm talking about?

01:13:12But a brother drive a big-ass motherfucking Caddy,

01:13:14you know what I'm talking about?

01:13:16I mean, it's, like, just big. I mean, this ain't made

01:13:18for the daily commute, right? It's big and flashy.

01:13:20It's like, yo, check this shit out, right?

01:13:22I mean, they just be... It's like the fucking joyride.

01:13:24It's the pleasure shit, right? They just rolling,

01:13:26you know what I'm talking about? Because, I mean,

01:13:28think about it, man. I mean, nigga don't give a fuck about no ozone,

01:13:30nigga be blasting holes up in that motherfucker.

01:13:32Yo, man, what you say?

01:13:34Oh, shit.

01:13:36A few days later,

01:13:38it was Richard's turn on national television.

01:13:40Anyway, thank you for your time,

01:13:42and I've been Rich Burns. Have a good night.

01:13:44All right.

01:13:46Rich Burns. Very funny stuff,

01:13:48ladies and gentlemen. Come on over, man.

01:13:50Very funny stuff.

01:13:52All right.

01:13:54Good job.

01:13:56Very funny. Thank you.

01:13:58Thanks, Mel.

01:14:00You know, believe it or not, I saw you a couple years ago

01:14:02at a club in Hollywood.

01:14:04I don't remember the name of the club, though.

01:14:06Oh, really?

01:14:08Well, I guess I must have left a pretty good impression

01:14:10on you then.

01:14:12Actually, you did.

01:14:14Thanks. Thanks, Mel. Yeah, I've been working hard.

01:14:16Well, how long have you been doing comedy?

01:14:20Just, like, three minutes.

01:14:22That's okay.

01:14:24No, I mean, in your entire career thus far.

01:14:26Oh.

01:14:28Like ten years or so.

01:14:30Ten years? Yeah.

01:14:32Well, you know what they say.

01:14:34There's no such thing as an overnight success.

01:14:36So, you still enjoy doing the road,

01:14:38the traveling, the people,

01:14:40or have you gotten sick of it by now?

01:14:42Oh, no. No, I love it.

01:14:44I love it. I do. I mean, sure,

01:14:46it can be tedious on the road at times,

01:14:48but, you know, I've got the greatest job

01:14:50in the world.

01:14:52I get to travel around and make people happy.

01:14:54You know?

01:14:56What more can I ask for?

01:14:58Well, you do a fine job at it.

01:15:00And please, keep it up.

01:15:02Thanks, Mel. Thanks.

01:15:04Ladies and gentlemen, Rich Byrne.

01:15:06So there you have it.

01:15:08The life of a stand-up comic.

01:15:10Some may end up on the road for life.

01:15:12For some, that road leads to mega stardom.

01:15:14Others may eventually turn off the road,

01:15:16and some may never find the road at all,

01:15:18but for those who truly love what they do,

01:15:20there is no better life.

01:15:22I'm Cheryl Larson,

01:15:24and as they say in the clubs,

01:15:26thank you for supporting live comedy.

01:15:28Good night.

01:15:40I love you, baby, baby

01:15:42St. Louis crew

01:15:44I love you

01:15:46despite all the prayers

01:15:48I thank you

01:15:50there's magic in the air

01:15:52when they meet

01:15:54while you're huddlin round and drinkin

01:15:56and stayin' out all night

01:15:58don't thank God

01:16:00I think you

01:16:02still feel that ain't right

01:16:04and I never forget,

01:16:06it's like fire, you burn me up

01:16:08you burn me up

01:16:10even after I fall astray

01:16:12you burn me up

01:16:14real love, I cannot take

01:16:16and I never forget,

01:16:18♪ Like fire you burn me up ♪

01:16:35♪ All my kids keep tellin' me be back down home ♪

01:16:39♪ Find yourself another who will build a happy home ♪

01:16:44♪ And I have to tell them, tell the way that I'm really mad ♪

01:16:49♪ You're a firecracker, I'm no misfire ♪

01:16:53♪ Oh, and I never get enough, like fire you burn me up ♪

01:16:58♪ You burn me up, girl I'm on the flame ♪

01:17:03♪ You burn me up, and the love I cannot tame ♪

01:17:08♪ Oh, and I never get enough, like fire you burn me up ♪

01:17:14Ray.

01:17:15Yes.

01:17:16I think we need to get back to Richie.

01:17:19This is about Richie.

01:17:21I think he's brilliant.

01:17:23Oh.

01:17:23I think he has a wonderful stage presence.

01:17:26And I also think he has a warmth and a charisma

01:17:29that it's just unstoppable.

01:17:32God, what would you know about charisma?

01:17:36You know, he's not even a handsome man-child.

01:17:39He's got the teeth of Thai power,

01:17:42and, well, what do you know?

01:17:46You have no taste.

01:17:48Obviously.

01:17:49Look at what I crawl into next to every night.

01:17:51Oh, please.

01:17:53I was the one who took you in.

01:17:55I had a thing for a wounded animal.

01:18:02You.

01:18:03This coming from a man that has nothing about show business.

01:18:05What do you know about show business?

01:18:06Nothing.

01:18:07You know nothing about show business.

01:18:08I thought La Cage Aux Folles was a documentary.

01:18:12You goddamn festering old snatch.

01:18:16Well, goddamn.

01:18:17Well, to you.

01:18:20Stop your camera.

01:18:21I'm finished.

01:18:25Over.

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