- 5/9/2025
Letterkenny Season 9 Episode 4 Mitzvah
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Your pal's invited his sweeties out for a double date with you and your sweeties the other D.
00:10Because I want to see how she's doing in regular old conversations with my good buddies.
00:16Define regular.
00:18Well, all Zwie's ever talks about is sex.
00:21Tough life.
00:22I'm figuring with you two's here, we can engage her in just some regular old conversations.
00:27Oh, so it's regular, you want?
00:29Regular conversations.
00:31Nothing fancy, just regular conversation.
00:34Regular, as the French would say.
00:36Leave out anything quirky or clever, just regular conversation.
00:40Regulare, as the Italians would say.
00:42No patterns or devices included, nothing creative during this regular conversation.
00:48Regulmessig, as the Norwegians would say.
00:51You want to regulate?
00:52Mount up.
00:53In any event, I'm just really hoping the topic doesn't turn to sex.
00:56Okay.
01:01Hi, Daniel.
01:03Hello.
01:06I'm Wayne.
01:07I'm Rosie.
01:09I'm Ellen.
01:10Pleased to meet you.
01:12Likewise.
01:16Ellen, can I get you some beers?
01:19Oh, why don't I get you a beer, Dan?
01:21Oh, that would be lovely.
01:23Please.
01:24Wayne, Rosie, do you like beer?
01:30Of course.
01:32You labat your ass, we do.
01:34On what, I haven't seen Gail in a hot sec.
01:36Maybe we could convince her to moose head on over.
01:40She was whipping up some Carl's Burgers last I checked.
01:43Best Cronen Burgers and letter high to Kenny.
01:45Alan, Dan told us you were a pretty gal, but you could be a modello.
01:51Make a little bones.
01:54Gaylor, you having a lazy mole Sunday?
01:58Yes, I suppose it becks the question.
02:01Little tour of Singtown and country?
02:03We've been a car lingering about.
02:04Whatever's good necessary for a little R&R, you know?
02:07Don't have dams tell me, Rosie.
02:09Just taking it to a sec easy.
02:11Live in the Miller High life.
02:13I was broken my pap smear.
02:17Cause pure old needless to say, and I don't take this bud lightly.
02:21Done so much toe curl in this quarter, I'm pert near strong bow-legged.
02:26Better trim your anhyzer bush.
02:28Alan.
02:29I'm light on bush, actually.
02:31I'm bush light.
02:32Good.
02:33Makes it easier for the guy known to inspect your Stella Artois.
02:36Not the most ideal time for Alexander Queef, say.
02:39Hey, if you forgot the slits.
02:41The fella told me one time, I had a scent that could only be described as bohemian.
02:48Well, once a blue moon, I also smell like the Pacifico.
02:51Something straight out of Bavaria.
02:54Not to harp on it all day, but...
02:56That's the risk you take exploring this old speckled hen.
03:00It's as if sometimes I just bear no soul.
03:02You'll see all the bad habits this lifestyle fosters.
03:06Do they still make you rolling rock a piss into a cup?
03:09They do, but careful.
03:11They can test your pee for kokanee.
03:13Ah, the coronas on doctors these days.
03:15You know, doctors do the most mulch and dry reps of anyone, right?
03:20Still, I win my win between my Smith wickets.
03:23Anyhow!
03:25I like her.
03:27Never takes long, does it?
03:29Yeah, we've been of a mix of relief and disbelief.
03:31They omitted one.
03:33Red stripes?
03:36Yeah.
03:36Fuckin' I'm hungover.
03:54Are you hungover?
03:55I'm hungover.
03:56Kitty hungover?
03:57Yeah, I'm hungover.
03:58Kitty hungover?
03:59I'm hungsovers.
04:00Hey, Rosie, you hungover?
04:01I'm hungover.
04:02Fuck, boys.
04:04We're hungover.
04:05I gots the skulls cramps.
04:07Yeah, I'm knee walkin'.
04:08Who's cookin' good lookin'?
04:09Not me, Chickpea.
04:11What were you supposed to do then?
04:13Figure it out.
04:14Slice isn't figured it out.
04:15No one wants to cook when they're hungover.
04:17You know what?
04:18I don't want to cook ever.
04:20Consider how long it takes to cook versus how long it takes to eat.
04:24It's like driving for an hour to the movie theater to watch a five-minute short film.
04:28But dudes who can cook?
04:29Oh, dudes who can cook can get it.
04:32Like who's?
04:33Wolfgang Puck.
04:34Wolfgang Buck.
04:35Bobby Flay?
04:36Bobby Lay.
04:38David Changs?
04:39David Bang.
04:40Gordon Ramsey.
04:41Gordon Rams?
04:42Meh.
04:42Fox wouldn't say her too much.
04:44Well, I guess it's good that Gail started serving brunch at Modine's today.
04:47Yeah, sure, Ellie.
04:48You heard it here first.
04:50But don't you think brunch is a little bit...
04:52Hmm.
04:53Oh, I 100% think brunch is a little bit...
04:56Hmm.
04:56You could just as easily call it late breakfast and avoid the...
05:00Hmm.
05:00Yeah, the term brunch is definitely what makes it a bit...
05:03Hmm-hmm.
05:04Well, since none of us feels like cooking, and Gail does, why don't we boot on over to Modine's
05:08for some...
05:09Hmm.
05:09Brunch.
05:11Oh, fuck, and I'd boot over.
05:12Rosie, boot over.
05:13I'll boot over.
05:14Dan, boot over.
05:15I'd boot overs.
05:16Katie, boot over.
05:16I'd boot over.
05:17Gary, boot over.
05:18I'm surprised we're not booting over right now.
05:20Fuck, boys.
05:22Let's boot it.
05:22Did you know that China's having a shortage of ninjas?
05:27Well, should we go?
05:29Wrong way, coach.
05:30The game starts at 15.
05:32Yeah, and if you can't carry your bag into the rink, you really shouldn't be playing hockey.
05:36Mm-hmm.
05:36Game's canceled.
05:38Why?
05:38There's not enough bodies on the other team.
05:41Why?
05:42Because it's Sunday morning beer league hockey, you pheasant.
05:46I'm sorry.
05:48Well, what do we do then?
05:49Guys.
05:50Guys.
05:51Beer league hockey's not about playing hockey.
05:55Sure, the W's are really nice.
05:58But it's more about having some beers with the boys, you know, before, during, and after the game.
06:04Friendship.
06:05Camaraderie.
06:06You know, maybe like a nice autumn gourd, cream ale, or maybe a Danny Pinley-friendly IPA.
06:16Just a hint of honey.
06:17Saying all that, why don't us three go for a beer right now?
06:25Well, Sunday's wide open, buddy.
06:27What's the plan?
06:27Better think of something, bro.
06:29Automond's devil's playground.
06:30Kids in sports stay off streets.
06:33You think of what I'm thinking?
06:34Sex.
06:35With girls!
06:38Wheel snipe silly, boys!
06:40Wheel snipe cell phone.
06:42Wheel snipe sold me.
06:44Stick taps and dating apps.
06:46Hurta!
06:46How's your swipe game, buddy?
06:48Buddy, I'm swiping on all four cylinders.
06:50I'm legendary REM frontman Michael Swipe.
06:53You?
06:53I'm Rowdy Rowdy Swiper.
06:55Ripping tarps off puck picks on my Tinder.
06:58Clutch.
06:59Mandatory pick of a fish you once caught for added depth.
07:01Ripping dog picks and suited-up snaps on my Bumble.
07:05Dapper look appealing to the ladies have first choice ordeal.
07:09Wise.
07:10Ripping travel picks and food picks on my hinge with one well-thought-out office reference.
07:17Hashtag Thunder Myth.
07:18Wait listed for Raya.
07:20Over-ray-a-tid.
07:21I gotta say, though, bro, I fear we're fast approaching a world where we've smashed every
07:26smashable broad within 100 physical kilometers of letter candy.
07:30Sometimes I match for the broad and I'm like, I would smash that broad.
07:34Then I cruise through her picks and realize I've already smashed her.
07:38Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, All-Dry, Wait listed for Raya.
07:42Over-ray-a-tid.
07:43What do we do till we get on over-ray-a-tid?
07:45Perhaps I can help.
07:52Who are you?
07:53Abby Goldstein, a.k.a. Golden Bomb Bay.
07:55Tight.
07:56A.k.a. The Gold and the Beautiful.
07:58Sick.
07:58Avenged Seven Gold.
08:00Nice to meet you.
08:01We met last week.
08:02Really?
08:03Yep, I was your linemate, so you're up for a double-hattie.
08:06Don't, remember?
08:07Respectfully, Goldstein.
08:08Whenever I see wheels in a hockey bag, I just kind of forget about everything else after that.
08:14Want my help or not?
08:15Uh, I'm just trying to focus, buddy.
08:19I'll also try to focus.
08:22Yes?
08:23You ever heard of J-Swipe?
08:24No.
08:25It's a dating app just for Jews.
08:26Are you Jewish?
08:27Full Jew, buddy.
08:28But we're not Jewish.
08:32I don't think so.
08:33Doesn't matter.
08:34You have the option to sell your profile to willing to convert.
08:36Click that button, start smashing Jewish broads immediately.
08:39Really?
08:40You know how many Jewish broads I've smashed on there?
08:42How many?
08:44Four.
08:44Just four?
08:45Got so many Jewish blowies, though.
08:47How many blowies, though?
08:48Two sixty-five, two seventy.
08:50Whoa, that's like a blowie every single day of the year.
08:54Yeah.
08:55You guys are looking at me right now like you've never heard about Jewish girl blowies.
08:59Sorry, I didn't mean to.
09:00Yeah, clueless is just kind of my resting face.
09:03Growing up, Jewish girls go to sleepaway summer camp every summer where they practice keeping blowies for like two months.
09:09Oh, you could get really good at blowies on a program of that kind.
09:13You'd be blowie Sevigny.
09:14Or blowie Deschanel.
09:16David Blowie.
09:17I feel like there's a lot you guys don't know about Jews.
09:20Allow me to give you your Judification.
09:22Jews' clues bring you up to speed on Jewish broads and their people so that you can better navigate J-Swipe.
09:27Call me Jew Ferregno.
09:28I'm Jew Barrymore.
09:30Follow me.
09:32Sick.
09:32Although, I gotta say, buddy, if you can't carry your bag, you really shouldn't be playing hockey.
09:36It'd be really great if you could carry it the rest of the way.
09:39Yeah, we'll get her the wheels, then.
09:40You know what, bro?
09:42Oh, let's do it.
09:43Bye.
09:43Did you know that Victoria's Secret is having a shortage of models?
09:54Should we go?
09:57Who's this coming down the rabbit hole?
09:59They come down my hole.
10:01Cousin?
10:02Gail's got the hangover hornies.
10:04Ah, two guarantees on a hangover.
10:07Hungry and horny.
10:09As hell.
10:09Hey, Bonnie, you want me to help you unbox that before this place fills up?
10:12There's so much for me to work with in that sentence, I may just fall over.
10:17Yawn.
10:17What you got upstairs, Bonnie's?
10:19A lot of eggs.
10:20A lot of meat.
10:21Eats, meats, repeats.
10:23Love meat.
10:24Same.
10:26Yawn.
10:27I loves meat so much, eggs wears it.
10:29Oh, like Lady Gaga at the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards.
10:34Mmm, inspired by the Canadian artist Yana Sterback.
10:38Oh, sure, really.
10:39I, too, might have an interest in wearing meat.
10:42Although it would have to be cooked, or at the very least, cured.
10:45Slip into a pair of boxer beefs.
10:48There's only one cure for the hangover hornies, Gailer.
10:51Let's get hangover hammered.
10:54Here we go now.
10:55All right, Goldstein.
11:02Golden Lightfoot.
11:04Goldzihan.
11:05Goldzi how?
11:06Goldzi Meir.
11:08First female Israeli prime minister.
11:12Say it.
11:13Hey.
11:13Hey.
11:14All right, but listen.
11:15LK's already got a major shortage of Jewish brats.
11:18I'm talking about single digis, and I'm pretty much the only full Jew in town,
11:22which puts me in a very advantageous position.
11:25One that doesn't necessitate you two goys coming in and fucking with my raish.
11:30You just call those gays?
11:31Raish?
11:32Goy, layman's terms for non-Jew, and raish as in ratio,
11:37as in I've got a hype ratio going, all right?
11:39I've been wheel snipe selling, like my bar mitzvah money hasn't run out,
11:43and I am not coming down from this chair.
11:46So you're like a full Jew then, hey, bud?
11:48Schnoz and all boys.
11:49So you can't eat pig?
11:51I crush mad bacon boys.
11:52Wait, but don't Jews have to have sex like Mennonites do,
11:55where there's a sheet between them and the girl they're smashing?
11:58I crush strictly non-sheet snap boys.
12:00Don't get that twisted.
12:02And also, do you guys really think that all Jews are exactly alike?
12:06We're here to learn, bro.
12:07I know, and part of me still wants to protect that raish,
12:11but there's this little thing in my religion called the mitzvah,
12:14the act of doing a selfless good deed out of the kindness of one's heart.
12:17You're supposed to knock off as many of these as you can.
12:20You don't necessarily actively pursue them.
12:23They just somewhat present themselves to you.
12:27So where are your mitzvah boys?
12:28Mitzvah men!
12:30Class is in session.
12:31Sick.
12:32Tight.
12:34Hype.
12:35Oh.
12:37Did you know Ibiza is having a shortage of teachers?
12:41Should we go?
12:44Stuart?
12:45You know what that was?
12:46A sigh?
12:48T'was.
12:50When was it we last ate?
12:52Um, must have been earlier tonight?
12:55It's tomorrow.
12:56How can it be tomorrow if it's today?
12:58The today you're thinking of was yesterday.
13:01Today is yesterday?
13:02What happened last night?
13:07You don't remember?
13:08I recall an exclusive conclave of cartridge gaming.
13:12Riot Kart 64, 150 cc's, acid, rainbow road, on repeat, four hours.
13:17You were peach.
13:18Oh, she's so fucking fine.
13:20I was toad.
13:21Did we do banjo kazumas?
13:23No.
13:24No, no.
13:25We've still got the mushrooms.
13:27So, what were we doing?
13:32Chasing the double dragon.
13:37What we need, Rold, is sustenance.
13:43I got Connor and Darian to load rips on a model train.
13:46I mean actual food.
13:49While Gale is hosting a post-breakfast pre-lunch over at Modine's.
13:53A brunch.
13:56A feast for the Peter Panian affected plebs.
14:00The meager populace.
14:03Roll.
14:04Let's do it.
14:06Let's brunch.
14:08I'll get her a coat.
14:09Wait.
14:13Let's do a train wreck first.
14:15Sue, Sue.
14:17Starting to fill up?
14:24Fill me up.
14:26Jan.
14:27Have a shot.
14:30There must be four separate people in here wearing fedoras that I've never seen before.
14:35That one's a Trosby's.
14:37You know what?
14:37That's why brunch is so...
14:39Mmm.
14:40Yep.
14:41There's just something so fucking city about it.
14:44Yeah, when have you ever heard somebody from town say, let's do brunch?
14:50Yeah, but you gotta make a buck.
14:53You're exempted, cousin.
14:55Yeah, like town people don't say brunch.
14:56Just like town people don't wear fedoras.
14:59I know lots of town people who wear fedoras.
15:01But do you care to?
15:03I don't have a problem with people that eat brunch.
15:06There's nothing wrong with enjoying breakfast food slightly after lunchtime.
15:10My problem is with people that brunch.
15:14Yeah, it's the people that want to make sure everyone else knows they're doing brunch.
15:19It's like trying to make brunch a thing.
15:22I feel you.
15:23Ever been in the city on a Saturday or Sunday morning?
15:27There's lineups out the door for brunch.
15:30I'm told that's every day in Vancouver.
15:32You could make a good buck making eggs for the people in line.
15:35Yeah, but see, the people in line wouldn't want them because it's not about the eggs for the people in line.
15:40It's about brunch.
15:41There is nothing cute about standing in line on a Sunday for six hours, drinking your alcoholic orange juice and aviators,
15:49eating off your $30 artisanal cheese board, listening to Gastro House.
15:59Atmospheric.
16:02Restaurantica.
16:02Your spare parts, bud.
16:05You're overstocked.
16:07Your clearance items on final sales.
16:09You're the markdown floor model that won't even sell on Boxing Day.
16:14Fuck.
16:16Um, what's up?
16:19I am Matrix-style dodging your insults.
16:22And guess what?
16:23It worked.
16:25None of them hit me.
16:27Yeah.
16:29Some of the ricochet got me.
16:32It's getting dark.
16:34What happened to civility?
16:37It's getting real dark.
16:39What happened to decency?
16:43I need Dr. Mal.
16:53No man left behind!
16:55Do you guys know there's a shortage of rodeo clowns at the Gary Stampede?
16:59Stay with me, Bull.
17:00Stay with me!
17:01Maybe they should go.
17:02All right, this'll be as easy as 1, 2, 3, ABC, Alephet, Gimel, Dalid.
17:09Hey, how are you now?
17:10Good and you?
17:11Good.
17:11Ready to fucking learn.
17:12Huh?
17:13Judaism 101.
17:15Gonna give you boys the rundown.
17:16The short William Scott version, because I don't have all day here.
17:19Rock with me?
17:19All night.
17:20First off, Judaism, a very minor religion, only about 0.2% of the world's population are
17:25Jews, and just about over 40% of them live in Israel, shout out to the homeland.
17:30Although small for religion, Judaism is influential as fuck.
17:33Like Kanye?
17:34Yeah, like Kanye.
17:36Mad small, mad influential.
17:37So right off the bat, let's start with something you know.
17:39The Jewish Bible is called the Torah.
17:41The Torah is what you know as the Old Testament.
17:44Same shit.
17:44Same shit?
17:45Same shit.
17:46Kind of lazy, no?
17:47No, mad hype, so check it out.
17:49There's this dude Abraham, and after God goes around and asks a bunch of other dudes with
17:53other names that they want to be his chosen people, God lands on Abraham and is like, yo,
17:58I want to be my chosen people or chosen guy.
18:01Whatever.
18:02Sick.
18:02They strike up a deal and become boys, and in exchange for following God, Abraham will receive
18:07hype land that he will rule, as will his future generations to follow.
18:12Is...
18:12Real...
18:13That's the guy.
18:15Alright.
18:15Fast forward a little bit, Abraham has two sons.
18:18One with his wife, named Isaac, and then also at some point he smashes his slave, has this
18:23other kid named Ishmael, who pretty much goes on to birth what we know today as Islam.
18:28Wait, wait, hold up.
18:29So, so Abraham had a wife, but he also had sex with his hot slave.
18:36Ever since she was hot?
18:37And then this hot slave had a kid who fucked off and started his own shit?
18:41Yes.
18:44That's pretty baller.
18:45Very baller shit.
18:46It's like Sopranos-level baller.
18:49Christopher!
18:49Gets even crazier.
18:51God's like, yo, Abraham, I know you said you'd follow me and be my boy and shit, but
18:54to further prove to me your loyalty, I need you to kill your son Isaac for me.
18:59Uh-uh.
19:00No way.
19:01Four realsies, and just as he's about to do it, God's like, not my guy.
19:06Just fucking with you.
19:07Just wanted to see if you were going to go through with it.
19:09Loyal as fuck.
19:11Cool.
19:12Cool, cool, cool.
19:13Basically, Jews will always prevail.
19:16How?
19:16Well, we believe it's because we follow the simple rules.
19:19We worship one God.
19:20We study the Torah to further understand his brilliance.
19:23We procreate and make new little baby Jews, and we do helle mitzvahs.
19:28Mad mitzvahs.
19:29Basically, it comes down to being good people, doing good things out of the kindness of your
19:33hearts, and not merely for your own benefit.
19:36Hence, me risking my rage by welcoming you guys to J-Swipe.
19:40Oh, thanks, buddy.
19:41And furthermore, educating you on Judaism so that you can flex knowledge on slash impress
19:46Jewish bronze.
19:48Thanks, bro.
19:49Got you.
19:51So, you're honorary Jews now.
19:53When's your first mitzvah?
19:59Holy fuck.
20:08Fuck, I duck.
20:10This table's seeing no shortage of fucks.
20:14Should we split?
20:16I'd rock a nap.
20:17Okay.
20:18Ish.
20:19Well, I'd hate to dine and dash, but that's precisely what we'll do.
20:34Want to try and beat Super Mario 1, 2, and 3 on original NES?
20:38Those games don't hold up.
20:40Our palates have been spoiled by the speed of modern gaming.
20:44Original Nintendo's just far too simple.
20:46What if we add rips?
20:49Well, I think there are three things that guarantee a good hangover.
21:06Hunger, horny, as hell, and hibernate.
21:10Boy, howdy.
21:11Do you guys want to watch Twisters?
21:14Ooh, Helen Hunt.
21:16Rest in power, Philip Seymour Hoffman.
21:19And Bill Paxton.
21:20Is it on?
21:21I figure Baker's Dozen Channels have it on loop 24 hours a day.
21:24They do.
21:26Prove it.
21:30I like this brunch program.
21:32Finish mid-afternoon and close the business down siesta-style for a few hours.
21:36Good luck with the hornies.
21:38Wait up!
21:39Jim Dickskins.
21:50You, uh, hungover?
22:01Thanks, Mark.
22:02Boys, minutes into honorary Jewhood and you're already ripping Haid Mitzvahs.
22:11Oh, good thinking.
22:13Because you hate wheels on bags for adults, but these little bagel bites, they kind of
22:17need them until they grow big enough to carry their own gear.
22:19You're never too young to carry your bag into the rink.
22:23If you can't carry your bag into the rink, you really shouldn't be playing hockey.
22:28Selfless acts, boys.
22:30Let me say we go smash some J-swing.
22:36You know, we really appreciate you risking your race for us.
22:40We'll just give you a head start.
22:41Yeah, plenty to keep us busy right here.
22:47Like what?
22:48Go to mommy.
22:54Sick.
22:55Tight.
22:57Hype.
23:11And we'll see you soon.
23:28All I think is because it hurts
23:30All I think is because they don't
23:33Remember that you hate the whole world
23:37When you see the person who didn't hate
23:40You see it coming right away
23:42Any time and you can't wait
23:44On and on and on and on and on
23:47And you'll know you're gonna be late
23:49No excuse don't lay
23:51See your face and you can't relate
23:53On and on and on and on and on and on and
23:56Stop and hide it's in your place
23:58Believe it or not, you like it this way.
24:00Peace and love, it's also decay.
24:02On and on and on and on and on.
24:06We love the drugs and drugs.
24:08We love the drugs.
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