- 5/9/2025
Married With Children Season 3 Episode 2 I'm Going To Sweatland
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TVTranscript
00:00Thank you for listening.
00:30Thank you for listening.
01:00Thank you for listening.
01:29Now, let's face it, girls.
01:33What we've got here are rib roasts with nails.
01:37Now, what I would suggest is surrounding your tootsies with those little brown potatoes
01:42wrapped in foil and served with dry wine.
01:45Oh, over here, dear.
02:01Just put them anywhere.
02:03Hi, Al.
02:04Honey, you would have been so proud of me.
02:06Hey, I spent every penny you have, but not a cent more.
02:12Now I need a little tip for Alejandro.
02:15Sure.
02:16Don't touch my wife.
02:17Hey, I understand your great need to shop.
02:27After all, you have to do something to break up that nothing you do at home.
02:31But, you know, as I was vacuuming my shirt this morning, I said to myself, hey, I got a wife.
02:39I have to.
02:40Why else would I not care about my health?
02:42What's your point, Al?
02:45I don't have any clean shirts, Peg.
02:48Do what I do.
02:50Buy a new one.
02:51Well, I would have, but I didn't want to wake you prying my wallet out of your claws.
02:58Let's try this.
02:59Pretend the mall closes at three.
03:01Go home and clean my clothes.
03:03What am I being punished for?
03:08Okay, Al.
03:09I'll do the wash.
03:11But first, give me some more money.
03:13I need quarters for the machine.
03:15Hey, you're not going to get me with that one twice.
03:17We own that machine.
03:22I don't want to do the wash, Al.
03:25There's nothing to buy there.
03:29I know, let's compromise.
03:30Give me some money, and on your way home, you can pick up Chinese food, and we'll have a nice dinner.
03:37Nick, I'm serious.
03:39Look at this shirt.
03:40It doesn't show up in a mirror.
03:43Now, go home.
03:44Do the wash.
03:45Until then, you're cut off.
03:47Understand?
03:47No money.
03:49Yes, Al.
03:50Now, if you'll excuse me, the sun is setting, and my shirt wants to party.
03:56I have to put these shoes away.
03:57Ow.
04:01No more money.
04:19Achoo!
04:23Bless you.
04:24Thank you, dear.
04:25Thank you, dear.
04:27Better take something for that cough, pig.
04:36Oh, I already did.
04:40Honey, I'm going to go home now and think about doing your laundry.
04:49Oh.
04:49Oh.
04:50Hey, excuse me, ma'am.
04:51Uh, where's the pharmacy?
04:53Thank you, ma'am.
05:04Al.
05:05Al.
05:06Guess what I just saw.
05:08A mother with her children.
05:11No.
05:13Al, I just saw Elvis.
05:15Elvis who, pig?
05:16Elvis Presley.
05:17Elvis Presley.
05:19The king.
05:20The pelvis.
05:23Hey, let me explain three things to you.
05:25Number one, Elvis is dead.
05:28Number two, Elvis wasn't any good when he was alive.
05:30And number three, if he was alive, he'd want you to clean my shirt.
05:35You don't believe me?
05:37As much as I believed you when you told me cleaning promotes heart disease.
05:40Well, that was a mistake.
05:43They meant smoking, but I didn't want to quit smoking.
05:47Honey, I really did.
05:48I just saw Elvis.
05:50There's only one dead guy in the mall, Peg, and you're looking at him.
05:54Now go home and clean my shirt.
05:58Al, I saw Elvis.
06:00And if it turns out that it really was him, I want you to give me $500.
06:05Peg, if it turns out to be Elvis, I'll give you everything I have.
06:11I'd rather have $500.
06:15So I searched every store in the mall, but Elvis was gone.
06:19Oh, I know it was him, Marcy.
06:22He looked just like he did when they buried him.
06:26I loved Elvis.
06:28I wish he were alive.
06:30He's the one person I'd cheat on Steve with.
06:33Well, him and Boom Boom Mancini.
06:39I'm telling you, Marcy, I saw him.
06:42Look, Peggy, a lot of people think they saw Elvis.
06:45He was an idol, a sex symbol.
06:48And with men what they are today,
06:50is it any wonder we look to the dead for a little excitement?
06:56Believe me, Peggy, no one wishes you were alive more than I do.
07:01I've been to Graceland.
07:03I saw him in Vegas, his buns alive with magic.
07:12His voice pulsing through me, reaching my secret places.
07:17His hips undulating, swirling, grinding,
07:22driving his essence into my very soul again and again.
07:27Faster and faster until...
07:30Until...
07:31Can I have a cigarette?
07:51Anyhow, what I'm saying here is Elvis is dead
07:54and we should get on with our lives.
07:58Oh, God.
08:02Do you realize
08:03that you just had more sex today in this house
08:07than I've had in 16 years of marriage?
08:11And it lasted longer.
08:19Oh, well.
08:20At least I've got my help.
08:25Come in.
08:27No, Peggy, that's the dryer.
08:28It means it's done.
08:35Well, what do we do now?
08:37You fold them.
08:39Oh, I don't like this at all.
08:42Oh, Marcy, he was so real.
08:46Can you imagine what it must have been like
08:48to really be married to Elvis?
08:50And to have his baby.
08:53But Steve's just as good.
08:56Oh, see, Peggy, washing isn't so bad.
09:03Yeah, you could be right.
09:05It's a lot better than just throwing these clothes away.
09:09Gee, you can use them again and again.
09:14Marcy, this is remarkable.
09:17You got all the yellow out.
09:20Al's T-shirts are gray again.
09:24And all the stains are gone.
09:28Oh, except for this one.
09:32Give me that.
09:36Oh, my God.
09:38Oh, don't worry, Marcy.
09:40The numbing in the fingers is only temporary.
09:42It's caused by the special oils and spices in Al's body.
09:48No, Peggy.
09:50Look at the stain.
09:52It's the king.
09:57Yeah, it's a good one, but by no means one of Al's best.
10:02No.
10:03Look at the shape of it.
10:05It's Elvis's face.
10:07Al sweated Elvis.
10:10It does look like him.
10:15It is him.
10:16It's a sign.
10:17You did see Elvis.
10:19You've been chosen.
10:22Elvis is alive in Al's underwear.
10:24Poor Elvis.
10:32First Vegas and now this.
10:35Let's see what else he sweat.
10:37You know, Marcy, I've always wondered why Al was born.
10:43Now it's so clear.
10:45Al's armpits are the doorway to another dimension.
10:48Quick, Al.
10:54Raise your arms.
10:56Quick, Al.
10:57Lower them.
11:01It's death, all right, but nobody we know.
11:05The rest of this stuff is clean.
11:07Damn it.
11:08Excuse me, Peg, but much like I said on our honeymoon, what's happening here?
11:16Look, Al.
11:17You sweated Elvis.
11:20Peg, if Elvis was married to you, he'd sweat me.
11:23What's your point?
11:26Honest, honey.
11:27You sweated Elvis Presley.
11:30You know, you may have the brains of a shoe salesman, but you have the pores of Michelangelo.
11:36Al, do you know what this means?
11:40That the tough part of my day is not over yet?
11:43No, Al.
11:44It means I really did see Elvis in the mall.
11:47It means he is alive, and it means he's trying to contact me.
11:52Oh, honey, I finally understand the real purpose of my life.
11:57It's to use you.
11:59Not as I have been, but as an extension cord to the king.
12:08He's alive!
12:10He's alive!
12:11She saw him!
12:13You want to see Elvis?
12:15I'll show you, Elvis.
12:17Now that we've seen Elvis and felt his presence, let's honor him by doing something he really
12:36loved to do.
12:38Eat dinner.
12:39I'm going to do something that Al Bundy loves to do.
12:54Oh, uh, I'll let you know if I conjure up any superstars.
13:00Heathen.
13:10Don't let anyone touch that shirt.
13:13The world must know.
13:15I'm going to call my Elvis fan club a hotline.
13:18Then what will happen?
13:19They may send a representative.
13:21Get your dogs.
13:37Get your Elvis.
13:37You ain't nothing but a hound dog.
13:41I'll take ten.
13:43And then Elvis said to me, Peggy, I could have talked through anyone.
13:51But I chose you.
13:53Because I like a woman with tall hair.
14:02And then we held hands.
14:06This one.
14:07And then, as if the kiss wasn't enough, Elvis gave me a massage.
14:25Uh, Peggy, can I see you a minute?
14:28Did he really give you a massage?
14:35Well, it was more like he kind of bumped into me.
14:39But, you know, when you're married to Al, that is a massage.
14:44Go on.
14:45Go on.
14:46Well, then he said, leave your husband.
14:49He ain't nothing but a hound dog.
14:51Come with me, and we'll enjoy a life of fast living, fast cars, and fast food.
15:00He actually said that?
15:03Well, his exact words were, excuse me, ma'am.
15:08But it was the way he said it.
15:10Oh, I envy you, Peggy.
15:15My only brush with destiny was when Clark Gable came to me in a dream and said,
15:20keep your own teeth as long as you can.
15:24Then Steve's stupid appendix burst, and I woke up.
15:28That's Steve for you.
15:30Now, every time I see that scar, I think what might have been.
15:33Come on, Marcy, snap out of it.
15:38Clark Gable is dead.
15:41Let's get back to the living.
15:43Now, when Elvis comes for me...
15:45Uh, pardon me.
15:47Could you please show us again how Elvis sneered when he found out your husband sold shoes?
15:53Excuse me, Marcy.
15:55My public.
15:56My public.
15:59There you go.
16:01There you go.
16:02Oh, God, what a miserable day.
16:06Peg, let me get me a beer.
16:09Peg.
16:18Somebody talk to me here?
16:20Sure, Daddy.
16:21Get up and go away.
16:23The web stocks are on our package deal, which includes a tour of the grounds and priority seating.
16:28So, why don't you go upstairs and make change for the pay toilet?
16:31I'm Myra Webstock.
16:34We're up from Tecumseh, Iowa.
16:37Don't you just love Elvis?
16:41Get out.
16:44Daddy, be nice.
16:47Don't you understand?
16:48We're competing with Graceland here.
16:51Go to your room.
16:52I can't, Dad.
16:54That's our heartbreak hotel.
16:59Why is it that Elvis is dead and I'm the one in hell?
17:03You know, the woman in Denver who saw Elvis and her eggs was much nicer.
17:09Everyone, everyone, I want you to meet the man that sweated Elvis.
17:16My husband.
17:18The man with the golden gland.
17:21Hi there.
17:33I'm Ollie.
17:34I'm Lou.
17:35We're with 20th Century Shrines.
17:37That's for me, Dad.
17:40Bundy's the name.
17:41Bilking the public's my game.
17:43Yeah, well, we have your order right here.
17:46Let's see.
17:48Two gross of skinny Elvis pens.
17:50Yep.
17:51Two gross of fat Elvis pens.
17:54One thousand rolls of love me tender toilet paper.
17:57Yep.
17:58Wait a second.
18:00Where's my Joe House Rock shower soap?
18:02Oh, you're a big prison order.
18:05Damn.
18:11Dad, could you raise both your arms?
18:13The Webstocks want to put each of their heads under there for a picture.
18:20There's five bucks in it for you.
18:22Is there no pride left in this family?
18:25And then I said, hey, Elvis, tell me true.
18:30Who do you like better, Priscilla or me?
18:34And he raised his head up from that pizza.
18:38And with pepperoni on his breath, he sang this to me.
18:44Well, since my baby left me, I found a new place to put.
18:51It's down at the end.
18:53Dad, Dad, Dad, here's a quarter.
18:55Throw it at Mom.
18:56We'll get the ball rolling.
18:58Kids, don't you see what you're doing here?
19:00You're taking money off of hard-working morons.
19:04How are you going to sleep at night?
19:09Well, we could always rest our heads on this.
19:14They're here!
19:16They're here!
19:16Hey, what are you doing?
19:21You know, I had a hard day.
19:22All I want is some peas, some meal, and some hemlock.
19:26Is that too much to ask?
19:28Boy, you just can't stand not being the center of attention.
19:32It's finally my moment in the sun, and here you are, Mr. Total Eclipse.
19:38What could Elvis have been thinking when he sweated himself through you?
19:44Well, it was probably one of those spontaneous, happy-go-lucky things that dead guys do.
19:49All right, everybody, announcement, announcement.
19:53This is my home, and I want everybody to get...
19:57Peggy, I'd like you to meet the National Academy of Elvis Impersonators.
20:03You've known me asrs.
20:06Howdy, ma'am.
20:10Howdy, ma'am.
20:14A healthy, ma'am.
20:21Howdy, ma'am.
20:27Howdy, ma'am.
20:33Look, Al.
20:37Elvi.
20:42Peg, I'm going to say this as plainly as I can.
20:46It's either Elvis or me.
20:48Now, what's he going to be?
20:50Eight o'clock, Bundy.
21:04Thanks, Clyde.
21:20Where the hell were you last night, Steve?
21:26I banged on your door for 15 minutes.
21:28I was looking for a place to stay.
21:31Well, I didn't just stay at the Elvis tent city that sprang up on my lawn.
21:36Let me get to the point of my visit, Al.
21:39I'm suing you.
21:41My wife won't leave your house.
21:43Well, neither will mine, but they threw me out of court.
21:45This Elvis thing is ruining my life.
21:51I used to have a wife that enjoyed my company.
21:55We'd come home from work, we'd talk, we'd laugh, we'd share little banking anecdotes.
22:00That was before your wife and your sweat stain ruined my life.
22:06Now Marcy's at your house, and it's pretty difficult to discuss supply-side economics
22:11with a woman who's riding on the shoulders of a black man singing Viva Las Vegas.
22:15So what's your beef, Steve?
22:20I want my wife back.
22:22Steve, if it was up to me, you'd have your wife back.
22:26And mine, too.
22:27But it's not up to me.
22:30Our women have gone insane.
22:32And I've learned, much like when they're shopping sick or horny,
22:37best to stay out of their way.
22:39Why is it only women see Elvis?
22:50Men at least see UFOs, something useful for mankind.
22:55Well, I think we see UFOs because we have to.
22:59It's the only way we can get out of here.
23:01The only thing that keeps me going is thinking one day a spaceship will land.
23:08Hopefully on garbage day.
23:11Then, a gorgeous Martian with three big hooters comes up.
23:18And says, I can't speak.
23:20I have no parents.
23:21And I have no idea what good sex is.
23:24Hop aboard.
23:25My planet, Sioux planet.
23:27What's the third hooter for?
23:32The one on the back for dancing.
23:43You know what the worst part is?
23:46No one dances slow anymore.
23:50No.
23:52It's that there are people out there even dumber than women.
23:57And they're at my house right now, buying rides on my couch.
24:03Yeah, I wish I was a low-life con man like my kids so I could make some money off this thing.
24:10Give yourself some credit, Al.
24:12You're low enough.
24:13You're just not smart enough.
24:15Thanks, Steve.
24:17Oh, come on.
24:17I'm not telling you anything that Peggy hasn't told Marcy,
24:19and Marcy hasn't told me a thousand times.
24:23Point is, why should everyone make money off your sweat but you?
24:25And me.
24:31You know what we say at the bank.
24:33When opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.
24:38We gotta get in on this, Al.
24:40Well, I don't know, Steve.
24:41My kids got the market cornered.
24:43They're selling everything.
24:44What's left?
24:45I mean, what really says Elvis?
24:47Shoes.
24:53Blue suede shoes.
24:56We can sell blue suede shoes!
24:59Ooh, Al.
25:00I like it.
25:01I like it.
25:03All right.
25:03Now, I'll be the brains and the money,
25:06and you, you'll be, uh...
25:09Well, uh, you'll be in the way, partners.
25:17Get your blue suede shoes!
25:23Hey!
25:25What did you do now?
25:27Al, something terrible has happened.
25:34Elvis was spotted in Youngstown, Ohio,
25:38buying quarter-inch lug nuts
25:40at Willie Hardware and Lumber,
25:43as if the king would really do that.
25:47Do you know what this means?
25:49Now I am just an ordinary woman
25:52married to you.
25:56Oh, Al, I'm so depressed.
25:59Hold me.
26:01Steve, we've got 700 pairs of blue suede shoes.
26:05What are we gonna do?
26:06Oh, Al, I'm so depressed.
26:09Hold me.
26:13People are so stupid.
26:15Elvis didn't say a thing to me about Ohio.
26:20You probably found out I had children.
26:24I knew those kids would ruin my life.
26:29Look, I'm gonna drive down to Youngstown right now
26:32and straighten this thing out.
26:34Steve, that's it.
26:35We'll go to Youngstown.
26:37You do that for me?
26:38Huh?
26:39Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, Peg.
26:41Right, yeah, for you.
26:42Grab the shoes, Steve.
26:43Let's go.
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