Malcolm In The Middle Season 5 Episode 9 Dirty Magazine
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Howdy.
00:05Three days and counting.
00:07Too bad he doesn't have someone covering the hole on the other side.
00:23This is The Crystal Ship.
00:25It's our high school literary magazine.
00:27Nobody reads it because it's written by high school kids trying to be deep.
00:31And the editor is just some guy who wants to pad his college application.
00:35This month, it's me.
00:37Did you get the mysterious forest?
00:41Yes, Stevie. I got your drawing.
00:43Is it in?
00:45Yes, I told you. Nothing gets rejected.
00:49It doesn't matter how self-indulgent or boring or childish or stupid or painful it is.
00:55If it can be stapled, it's in.
00:57And why do you care?
00:59Our advisor doesn't even care.
01:01I have to go.
01:07Um, I need to help Principal Block with... something.
01:17Ronnie and I have written stories that we want to submit.
01:21We demand that you embrace our vibrant female voices.
01:25So you better print them, okay?
01:29Okay. You got it.
01:35You are going to read them first, aren't you?
01:39Yeah, okay.
01:45Oh, my God.
01:47It's been so long, I didn't think it was possible.
01:51This story is, uh...
01:53Is...
01:55What's the word?
01:57Good?
01:59Yes!
02:00Ronnie, your story's fantastic!
02:02I love the ending!
02:03What about mine?
02:05The frog who was too good for the world?
02:07It's crap.
02:09Well, maybe it was over your head.
02:11The frog is you, the snake is your dad,
02:13and the moon is the dope you like on the football team.
02:15Lewis is not a dope.
02:17Car crash?
02:19Yeah!
02:20There's this really pretty girl,
02:21who whenever she walks down the street,
02:23guys yell filthy stuff at her.
02:25So she trains herself to ignore them.
02:26The pretty part's not important.
02:28So one day, after she's trained herself,
02:30she's crossing the street,
02:32and this construction worker yells out,
02:34Hey, lady!
02:35She doesn't turn around,
02:36but he's really trying to warn her
02:38there's a car coming.
02:39She ignores him,
02:40and she gets splattered all over the pavement.
02:42Men...
02:45are pigs.
02:51Did you hear?
02:52The plant watering lady's gonna testify before the SEC.
02:55My God, they're going after everybody.
02:57And the new supervisor starts today.
02:59She is only here to make cuts,
03:01and fire people.
03:03Lots of people.
03:05Oh my God!
03:07Here she comes!
03:19Come on!
03:21Come on!
03:23Come on!
03:25Wow, right?
03:27Yes!
03:28Now!
03:29We took an extra trip around the revolving doors together this morning.
03:33Yeah.
03:34Looks like you're the only one here who doesn't run away from me.
03:38Well, you can't run forever, huh?
03:42Look, I know this whole situation is awkward,
03:46but I'm gonna do my best to make everyone here feel respected.
03:50Thank you, Mel.
03:52Especially the ones with great-looking hands.
03:59She was touching me exactly like this!
04:01She was practically drooling over my sexy hands.
04:04And then, later this morning, she asked me if I thought her butt was big.
04:09And it wasn't!
04:10It was perfect!
04:12It wasn't an innocent request for information, Lois.
04:15If your butt was as perfect as hers, believe me, you'd know it!
04:20What am I gonna do?
04:23Well, were you mean to her?
04:26No!
04:27Why?
04:28You don't want to antagonize her.
04:31She's the new boss.
04:32She decides who comes and who goes.
04:35What are you saying?
04:36I am saying that it wouldn't hurt for you to be nice.
04:43That's all.
04:44Hell, I'm not asking you to do anything.
04:46It's just if she flirts with you again, just don't burst her bubble.
04:53Lois!
04:56All right!
04:58You can make me flirt with this beautiful woman, but you can't make me like it!
05:03I can make you do anything I want.
05:06You're right.
05:08Go!
05:16Ow!
05:17You know why I beat you?
05:18Because you outweigh me by, like, 50 pounds?
05:20No, because my mind is stronger than yours.
05:24What?
05:25All your Matrix guys and your Yodas and your cruddy kids do what they do with their minds, not their bodies.
05:34I beat you in here before I ever beat you there.
05:39You're just messing with me again. I don't believe you.
05:43You're not sure if you do or you don't.
05:52This is soil.
05:54Soil is alive.
05:56It is sensitive to the rhythm of who you truly are.
06:00This is a seed.
06:01Within it lies sleeping the soul of a plant.
06:07Together they make a test that was taught to Shaolin Ninjas millions of years ago.
06:13If you can keep your hand like this until the seed sprouts, then you will develop the source of all power.
06:19If this is real, then why are you teaching it to me?
06:23Because I'm a jerk and I know you'll fail.
06:26Or maybe, just once, I'm letting you in on the secret of life itself.
06:36What's he doing out there?
06:42I put a rock in his hand. He's trying to make it grow.
06:46Here you are, Francis.
06:51What's this?
06:53An invitation for your own pyjama.
06:55Autumn and I are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary.
06:58You're kidding. That's great.
06:59Oh, I wish I could chop you up in a million pieces so that I could share you with the rest of the world.
07:09You are so romantic, my big Bavarian monkey face.
07:18Francis, I am in so much trouble.
07:20What's wrong?
07:21I just found Aunt Fletcher is getting me for our anniversary.
07:25She knows how much I love cuckoo clocks.
07:30So she called the factory in Innsbruck and somehow convinced them to handcraft a cuckoo clock
07:37with a little Otto and a little Gretchen that come out and kiss every hour.
07:42Wow, what'd you get her?
07:44Some Dustbuster filters and a bracelet I saw on QVC.
07:48Wow.
07:50Well, you have a week. Is there anything you know she likes?
07:53Well, she always wished that I could learn to waltz.
07:58Really? That's great. I know how to waltz.
08:01I learned at military school taking girls to cotillions.
08:04I can totally teach you.
08:06Oh, no, no, no. Francis, I am a terrible dancer.
08:09I tried it at our wedding. I stepped on her foot.
08:12You can't let alone-
08:13I broke it in three places.
08:14But-
08:15Then I ripped her dress and her rear end hung out for 200 people to see.
08:18Then I got into a fist fight with her father.
08:22We spent the night in jail and-
08:25He always was a little delicate looking-
08:27Otto, Otto!
08:29I am sure I can teach you to waltz.
08:32I don't know.
08:34Goodie!
08:36Look, it's the bracelet I ordered from QVC.
08:40You like it?
08:41Oh, yeah!
08:44I'll need you in a bar and a ten.
08:50What the hell is this?
08:51It's Car Crash.
08:53It's a story for the literary magazine.
08:55It's pornography.
08:56How is it pornography?
08:59The construction worker yelled out-
09:01About-
09:02My-
09:03My-
09:07My-
09:10It's supposed to be offensive.
09:12That's the whole point of this story.
09:13It's a literary device.
09:15It's nothing literary about-
09:18My-
09:21Parents don't want their children reading-
09:25My-
09:27The school district has a zero-tolerance policy on-
09:31My-
09:33Our forefathers did not lay down their lives on San Juan Hill for-
09:39My-
09:43Now, you either kill this story or replace all the dirty words with asterisks.
09:50That's just stupid.
09:51What's the point of bleeping out words?
09:53Everyone knows what they are anyway.
09:54Besides, Ms. Shaw already said it was okay.
09:58Sometimes Ms. Shaw doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut.
10:05Just do it.
10:08This is censorship.
10:11Call the ACLU
10:15And sue their ass.
10:19Yes! We can testify in poetry!
10:22I'm not gonna call the ACLU for Crystal Ship.
10:26Just because it's under attack doesn't mean it's not lame.
10:31What's wrong?
10:33Nothing. It's okay. It is stupid.
10:37You don't have to get all-
10:38Look! You have people thinking you're smart and creative all the time.
10:42I just got excited that people would think that about me for a change.
10:47Like I said, it's stupid.
10:49That is an outrage!
10:50Where is this high school? Iran?
10:51It's okay. I don't want to do anything. I just wanted some information.
10:52You want information?
10:53The Constitution exists.
10:54Your teachers might as well take a leak on the American flag.
10:55Which actually is a case I defended, but that's not the point.
10:56If these fascists need a lawsuit to wake them up then...
10:58Malcolm? What's the name of your school?
10:59My school? It doesn't have a name.
11:00And I'm not really a student there.
11:01I was just praying calling you. Ha ha! Fooled you!
11:02That guy was nuts! I didn't want anything to do with him.
11:03I didn't want anything to do with him.
11:04I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to do anything.
11:05I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted some information.
11:06You want information?
11:07The Constitution exists.
11:08Your teachers might as well take a leak on the American flag.
11:09Which actually is a case I defended, but that's not the point.
11:10If these fascists need a lawsuit to wake them up then...
11:11Malcolm? What's the name of your school?
11:12My school? It doesn't have a name.
11:13And I'm not really a student there.
11:14I was just prank calling you. Ha ha! Fooled you!
11:16That guy was nuts! I didn't want anything to do with him.
11:29I hung up before he could figure out where I was calling from.
11:32Unless... he has... caller ID?
11:39Attention students! Attention students!
11:45As you know, we publish a literary magazine called The Crystal Ship.
11:54Well, we do.
11:57This morning I received word that the ACLU has filed a lawsuit
12:02to force us to publish an extraordinarily obscene essay.
12:08The school district's lawyers have given us a choice.
12:17We can either turn our high school into an adult bookstore,
12:21or we can cancel all extracurricular activities.
12:27Therefore, the football team is hereby canceled.
12:36The debate team is hereby canceled.
12:40The drama club? Canceled.
12:43The glee club? Canceled.
12:46The prom? Canceled.
12:48No!
12:49If any of you wish to find the student editor, Malcolm,
12:56and thank him for this,
12:58you will find his class schedule posted outside my office.
13:02You are terrible!
13:15You have completely wasted four entire days of words lessons.
13:32It makes me sick to look at you!
13:36Otto, this isn't helping.
13:38Every time you punch yourself, we lose hours of valuable practice time.
13:42You just... you gotta relax.
13:44How can I relax when Gretchen is depending on me?
13:48You do not learn by relaxing.
13:50You learn by violently assaulting the problem
13:54until it surrenders its mysteries to you.
13:57I just feel like you're psyching yourself out.
14:00Why don't you take five and clear your head?
14:03You take five!
14:04I shall study the videotapes of our previous lessons.
14:08I will correct the problems in my technique.
14:11Gah!
14:13Gah!
14:14Gah!
14:15Gah!
14:16Gah!
14:17Gah!
14:26Gah!
14:27Gah!
14:29Gah!
14:30Gah!
14:31Gah!
14:32Gah!
14:33Gah!
14:34Gah!
14:35Gah!
14:36Gah!
14:37Perhaps more weed on my left hand step.
14:38Stop all of this
14:40This isn't work
14:42This isn't science
14:44This is dancing
14:46Stop thinking
14:48Stop watching tapes
14:50And take off the waltz trainer
14:58Feel the music
15:00Look into my eyes
15:02But I
15:04But Gretchen
15:06Forget Gretchen
15:08Forget the past
15:10And its failures
15:12The future and its hopes
15:14The world is gone
15:16Right now
15:18All that exists
15:20Is you
15:22And me
15:24And the waltz
15:38They say
15:44You could give us
15:46The right sleep
15:48All that
15:50Hey Hal
15:52Tough day
15:54Tough day
15:56My neck is so stiff
16:04Mmm
16:06So what's a guy like you do for fun, huh?
16:10I
16:12I didn't know what to say
16:14I don't do anything for fun
16:16Don't tell me you just stood there for ten minutes with your mouth hanging open
16:18She wasn't even listening, Lois
16:20She was too busy mentally stripping me and dressing me in leather
16:24Boys, get out of here! Dinner!
16:26Dinner!
16:28How long is this gonna take?
16:30I had to have Billy Hawkins help dress me for Jim
16:32It'll grow when you stop needing it to grow
16:38Malcolm, where have you been?
16:40Captain of the football team wanted to show me how he decorated the inside of his locker
16:44Yes, well the principal of your school called
16:46He said you filed a lawsuit so you could destroy the school
16:50That's a total lie
16:52All I'm trying to do is publish a magazine full of dirty words
16:55Oh, and that's supposed to make me feel better?
16:57I didn't even start this
16:59But everybody's fighting me so hard
17:01It makes me think I can't just back down
17:03You always said there are principles you can't ever give up
17:06No matter what people do to you
17:07And I'm surprised as anyone
17:09But I think that's what I'm doing
17:13What's your name?
17:14Who?
17:15The girl you're trying to impress
17:16Hope she's cute
17:18This isn't about a girl!
17:19A girl wrote the dirty story?
17:21Oh son, you want to be careful
17:23A girl who writes dirty stories sounds a little advanced for you
17:26That's not what this is about
17:28Ronnie's a lesbian
17:30Well, maybe she wouldn't be a lesbian if you tucked in your shirt once in a while
17:35I'm just trying to help her
17:38She doesn't deserve this
17:40She went to all the trouble to express something in a way that's actually good
17:44And now she's being silenced by a bunch of stupid, arbitrary people
17:48For stupid, arbitrary reasons
17:50And I just think that's wrong
17:53Son, you don't want to come on that strong
17:55That might be what turned her gay in the first place
18:01Come in!
18:04You wanted to see me?
18:09What's going on?
18:10Malcolm, the teachers and I are not here to blame
18:13We're looking for a solution
18:16This is Mr. Mellon
18:17He's legal counsel for the district
18:19It's nice to meet you
18:21Now, if it were up to me
18:23You'd just be expelled
18:26But the district thinks that there's a way to get everything back the way it was
18:31Good, cause I never wanted to fight everyone
18:33Of course you didn't
18:37Basically, son
18:38You signed this letter
18:40It says, car crash never met the standards of Crystal's ship
18:43You just picked it to see what you could get away with
18:46It was an adolescent prank and you apologize
18:50Now, just sign this and everyone gets their clubs back
18:54I'm not gonna sign it
18:56This is just a lie
18:58Alright, Malcolm
18:59Wasn't gonna mention this
19:01But I made cupcakes for you kids
19:04Every week
19:07Look, I'm not the only one affected by this
19:10I agree
19:13Ronnie
19:19I'd like you to sign it, Malcolm
19:24I just want field hockey back
19:36Hello there, Nell
19:37Your eyes are very pretty
19:40Really?
19:41You like my eyes?
19:45No!
19:46I was just told to say that
19:48I'm sure you're very pretty
19:49But I don't find you even remotely attractive
19:51I was only flirting with you because my wife is making me
19:55Wait a minute
19:57I was flirting with you
19:59And the first thing you did was tell your wife?
20:02I tell her everything
20:04And she told you to flirt back with me?
20:07Yeah
20:09Just out of curiosity
20:11How far was your wife willing to take this?
20:15She wouldn't tell me
20:16Help me
20:18Hal, it's okay
20:19Calm down
20:22Now, the first thing you need to know is
20:25I'm not gonna fire you
20:26You're not
20:27No
20:29I was going to
20:30But then Grossman and Ball got indicted
20:32And you're the only one left in the department
20:35I'm really glad it worked out this way for you, Hal
20:38Oh, thank you
20:39Thank you
20:40Lois will be so relieved
20:42Well
20:45We don't want her to be too relieved
20:53It's hardly noticeable
20:55Good
20:56We can finish going over your progress reports in my office this afternoon
21:01I'm on fire
21:05Ah, Malcolm
21:07So, have you made a decision yet?
21:09Yes
21:10I want the clubs back
21:12So I signed the letter and sent it to your lawyer
21:14I even made copies
21:16Yeah, what's all this other stuff?
21:18I put the letter on the back cover of my new independent literary magazine
21:23We made 700 copies and we're distributing it 20 feet outside the school grounds as required by law
21:28It's called Absolutely Filthy Schmuck
21:33It's a catchy title
21:35People seem interested
21:38Man, from now on I'm gonna ask a girl's permission before I say nice rack
21:42You know, I kinda wish I did put some smut in it now
21:43People are gonna be disappointed
21:44Don't be so sure
21:45The mysterious forest
21:47Fold A
21:48To meet B
21:49To meet B
21:50Don't be so sure
21:51The mysterious forest
21:52Fold A
21:53To meet B
21:54That's a picture of
21:55Thank you, Cinemax
21:56Thank you
21:57Cinemax
21:58Oh, I'm gonna ask a girl's permission before I say nice rack
22:00You know, I kinda wish I did put some smut in it now
22:03People are gonna be disappointed
22:04Don't be so sure
22:05The mysterious forest
22:07Fold A
22:08To meet B
22:09That's a picture of
22:10Thank you, Cinemax
22:12Thank you, Cinemax
22:13색
22:14A
22:14A
22:15That's a picture of
22:17Thank you, Cinemax
22:19Welcome to
22:25Wow
22:26Come on
22:27The
22:27Freedom's
22:28A
22:30Glorious
22:31Thing
22:32Thank you
22:35Oh, oh, Tom
22:37This is such a wonderful
22:39Party
22:39Everything's just perfect
22:40Perfect!
22:42Quiet, please!
22:44If everyone could stop their drunken labelling for a second!
22:49Gretchen, my love, my life, my bride of 25 years,
22:56I have finally learned to do something that you never thought I would be able to do.
23:05Maestro, if you please.
23:10May I have this walk?
23:14Otto...
23:21I'm sorry.
23:23I don't understand this.
23:30I was doing this perfectly last night.
23:33It's alright, Otto.
23:34I worked so hard to try to prove my love for you.
23:39I have the same music.
23:41I have the same boots.
23:42I have the same...
23:43Aha!
23:45Gretchen, prepare to be dazzled!
23:49Ah, jeez.
23:50Okay.
23:51Okay.
23:52They say...
23:53If you pierce the right sleeve off, the one you've been waiting for.
24:02They say, if you pierce the right sleeve off, the one you've been waiting for.
24:16With blossoms of fire, we'll burst into sight, and your love will be true evermore.
24:31What are you doing?
24:32Hopefully messing Dewey up for life.
24:34Nice.
24:35Oh my god.
24:36He did it.
24:37You never even put a seed in his hand.
24:38It's like a miracle.
24:39The kid actually did it.
24:40This makes it so much funnier.
24:41This makes it so much funnier.
25:12You put the lipstick on yourself, right?
25:14Okay.
25:15No, I'm serious.
25:16You put it on.
25:17Sure.
25:18Hal, you did.
25:19Just say you did.
25:20Okay, I did.
25:21Hal!
25:22Hal!
25:23How did I go to bed with a nice ìˆ ?
25:25He was такой good.
25:26I really did.
25:27He was nice as an adult.
25:28Believe, he's all white.
25:29All of a sudden, we'll be looking forward to it.
25:30Alright.
25:31I can just dance right there.
25:32I had a dance right there.
25:33I can dance right there.
25:35I think I did.
25:36I know, but I'll take a dance right there.
25:37You've got a dance right here.
25:38I can dance right there.
25:39I can dance right there.
25:40I can dance right there.
25:42I guess not?
25:43I can dance right here.
25:44I am not.
25:46I'm not.
25:47I'm not sure.
25:48I'm not.
25:49I'm not.
25:50I'm not.
25:51If you are at work.
25:52I feel like me.
25:53Transcription by CastingWords