- 9 months ago
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00:00:00Satan. The Devil. Lucifer. Prince of Darkness. Yen Luang. Belial. Abaddon.
00:00:30Weaselbub. Prince of Darkness.
00:00:41Weaselbub. Belial. Abaddon.
00:00:48Satan. The Devil. Lucifer. The Galesbub.
00:00:57The Devil. Prince of Darkness.
00:01:01Good morning. Neil. Huh?
00:01:11What? Too daring?
00:01:13Yeah, not if you're daring people to kick your ass.
00:01:15It's called peacocking, bro. All right? Females are attracted to bright colors.
00:01:20How's it working so far?
00:01:22You know, it's working well. You gotta play to your strengths. Style and charm.
00:01:26All right.
00:01:27You should play to yours. You should bust out those panty-dropping card tricks that you never show anyone.
00:01:31Girls don't like card tricks.
00:01:33Are you kidding?
00:01:35Of course they do.
00:01:36Well, they don't.
00:01:37Yeah, they do.
00:01:38Dude, according to men's health, females are 18% more likely to sleep with a guy after seeing a card trick.
00:01:44Yeah.
00:01:45Really?
00:01:46Yeah.
00:01:46Yeah.
00:01:47May 2010. Look it up.
00:01:48May 2010.
00:01:49Hey, gorgeous. Gorgeous. Would you like to see a card trick?
00:01:55Sure.
00:01:56All right.
00:01:58Pick one and, uh, don't show me.
00:02:03Now, um, tear it up.
00:02:05Okay.
00:02:06I can have that back.
00:02:11Give it to you.
00:02:11Yeah, give it to you too, honey.
00:02:17Is this your card?
00:02:20No.
00:02:21Not even close.
00:02:24Check your bra.
00:02:27What?
00:02:29Check your bra.
00:02:30That's amazing.
00:02:37How did you do that?
00:02:39I can't tell you.
00:02:40Is it coming?
00:02:41Oh, my God.
00:02:42It's working.
00:02:44Listen, I'm having a party at my house next weekend.
00:02:48You should come.
00:02:50That sounds, uh, amazing.
00:02:52But I've got this church thing, so...
00:02:55Church thing.
00:02:57Church thing.
00:02:58No, no, no, no, no.
00:03:00Neil just gets exhausted after a show.
00:03:02You gotta give him a break.
00:03:06What?
00:03:08What the hell was that, man?
00:03:09Church?
00:03:10Let's try to get in her pants.
00:03:12No, not convert her.
00:03:14No, I don't.
00:03:15You at least touched her boot.
00:03:17I didn't.
00:03:18Well, how did you...
00:03:19It was magic.
00:03:21Are you magically touching a boot right now?
00:03:24Hey, Denise, he just totally felt up Cheryl.
00:03:26Yeah, I know.
00:03:27And so does Kent.
00:03:28He's on a rampage.
00:03:29You better hide your ass.
00:03:30Oh, shit.
00:03:31Oh, shit.
00:03:32Over here.
00:03:34Over here.
00:03:35Oh, what?
00:03:37Oh, shit.
00:03:38Yes.
00:03:40Oh, shit.
00:03:41Oh, shit.
00:03:43Oh.
00:03:49Where's that little shit?
00:03:50What?
00:03:51Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Neil.
00:03:55Neil, yeah.
00:03:56Neil is, uh, you know, Neil.
00:03:58You put a card in my girlfriend's bra.
00:04:00I'm gonna tear him in half like a phone book.
00:04:02Open the door or I'll put you through it.
00:04:04Uh, I'm...
00:04:07All right, man.
00:04:09Just...
00:04:09All right.
00:04:10No.
00:04:10All right.
00:04:14What the fuck are you doing in there?
00:04:17You jacking it?
00:04:18Hey, everyone.
00:04:19Neil's jerking off in the closet.
00:04:21What a fucking gross little perv.
00:04:24Leave him alone, asshole.
00:04:26Go.
00:04:26Let's let him finish.
00:04:48I don't know.
00:04:49Wouldn't you rather be sleeping in on the weekends?
00:04:51I mean, an hour a week and it makes her parents happy.
00:04:54I fucking hate church.
00:04:55So lame.
00:04:56Come on.
00:04:57Put your robe on.
00:04:58Wait.
00:04:59Wait.
00:05:00In nomine Satanus.
00:05:03Hail Satan.
00:05:04Hail Satan.
00:05:06Hail Satan.
00:05:08And thank you, Satan.
00:05:19Brothers and sisters,
00:05:21as the celebration of Astaroth approaches,
00:05:24it is time to ask ourselves
00:05:26why do we worship Satan?
00:05:28Why do we worship Satan?
00:05:29Is it for the power he has promised us?
00:05:32Is it to be on the winning side
00:05:34at the final battle of Armageddon?
00:05:37The worship of Satan
00:05:38allows us to eat freely
00:05:40from the tree of knowledge
00:05:42of good and evil.
00:05:46It gives us the freedom
00:05:47to indulge our senses
00:05:49to indulge our senses
00:05:49to indulge our senses
00:05:50in the pleasures of earth,
00:05:53heaven,
00:05:55and hell.
00:05:56Jesus Christ.
00:05:59Blasphemy.
00:06:00If we could have everybody's undivided attention,
00:06:04thank you.
00:06:06Where was I?
00:06:09Inside of truth.
00:06:10Oh, yes.
00:06:11Brothers and sisters,
00:06:13the worship of Satan
00:06:15is all of these things,
00:06:17but most of all,
00:06:19it is to be on the side of truth.
00:06:22Let the scales fall from your eyes,
00:06:26for God is the deceiver
00:06:28and Satan is the salvation.
00:06:34Soon, we will perform
00:06:36the celebration of Astaroth.
00:06:39Our young brother Neil
00:06:40will give himself over
00:06:42completely to our Lord
00:06:43to foil the accursed forces
00:06:47of heaven.
00:06:49Hail, Satan!
00:06:50Hail, Satan!
00:06:53Bring forth the offering.
00:06:58Come on, look, he's so cold.
00:07:02Lord, please accept
00:07:05this humble sacrifice.
00:07:07I would totally trade places
00:07:08with that cup right now.
00:07:09Token of our faith.
00:07:11Just keep watching.
00:07:13In nomine sacanis!
00:07:20And remember, this Wednesday,
00:07:21we're having a bake sale
00:07:22to raise money for our bowling team
00:07:25and also the star
00:07:27of our upcoming Celebration
00:07:29of Astaroth ceremony,
00:07:30Neil, is working so hard to prepare.
00:07:33Let's show him our support.
00:07:35Oh, yeah.
00:07:37Oh, yeah.
00:07:41Hey, um,
00:07:43so this talking during church thing,
00:07:45pretty fun, is it?
00:07:46Mom, I...
00:07:47Dad, okay?
00:07:48No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:07:49You know what?
00:07:50I can actually see how joking
00:07:52and laughing
00:07:52and embarrassing your family,
00:07:54you know, instead of paying attention
00:07:55to the sermon could be
00:07:56a little entertaining.
00:07:57Matt totally started.
00:07:59Okay, it's always Matt's fault, huh?
00:08:00Yes, actually, it is.
00:08:02Are you gonna go through
00:08:03the rest of your life
00:08:04never taking responsibility
00:08:06for your actions, huh?
00:08:07Yeah.
00:08:08Oh, really?
00:08:13Sheldon, hi.
00:08:14Uh, we were just talking
00:08:15about how sorry we are
00:08:16for that interruption
00:08:17during the sermon.
00:08:18I should certainly hope so.
00:08:19You understand
00:08:22that next time
00:08:23it's quite a different story?
00:08:26Yes, sir.
00:08:27How are the preparations going?
00:08:29Oh, he's ready.
00:08:32In fact,
00:08:32why don't you recite for them
00:08:34the names of our lord?
00:08:35Yes.
00:08:37Do tell.
00:08:40Tell us.
00:08:42Lucifer.
00:08:43Athamid.
00:08:44Beelzebub.
00:08:45Uh, that's Beelzebub.
00:08:49Beelzebub.
00:08:50Uh, uh, Belial, Abaddon.
00:08:56There are over 40 of them,
00:08:57you know.
00:08:59You should take time
00:09:00to learn them.
00:09:02There's such fabulous things
00:09:04in store for you.
00:09:11Can I go?
00:09:12Hmm.
00:09:15We're all
00:09:19very excited
00:09:20for the ceremony.
00:09:22So am I.
00:09:24It should be fun.
00:09:25Hmm.
00:09:27Hmm.
00:09:31So, you've
00:09:32kept him chaste?
00:09:34Oh,
00:09:35that problem
00:09:36kind of took care of itself.
00:09:37You know,
00:09:38I never got into trouble
00:09:39until your family
00:09:40joined this church.
00:09:41Yeah, you never had
00:09:41any fun either.
00:09:43Did you?
00:09:43Get off me.
00:09:43Did you?
00:09:44Huh?
00:09:45You know,
00:09:48I still just don't
00:09:49understand this whole
00:09:50oath business.
00:09:52Like,
00:09:52they made you lock up
00:09:53your dick
00:09:53while they're all
00:09:54getting it on.
00:09:55That doesn't
00:09:56make any sense.
00:09:57Not fucking fair.
00:09:58They're stealing
00:09:58the greatest part
00:10:00of your youth,
00:10:00the hot,
00:10:01steamy,
00:10:02sexual part.
00:10:03Why would you
00:10:04agree with something
00:10:05like that?
00:10:06I'm not getting laid
00:10:07because I'm not allowed to.
00:10:08What's your excuse?
00:10:09Oh,
00:10:09I see,
00:10:10I see.
00:10:10So you're,
00:10:11you're scared,
00:10:11huh?
00:10:12I'm scared.
00:10:13No,
00:10:13no,
00:10:14you got a little
00:10:14case of the vagophobia?
00:10:15I don't have a vagophobia.
00:10:16Seriously though,
00:10:17you just gotta,
00:10:17you gotta figure this shit out,
00:10:19man,
00:10:19before it's too late.
00:10:20Hey,
00:10:20Dad.
00:10:21I mean,
00:10:21because really,
00:10:22Neil,
00:10:22what we should be doing
00:10:23is tripping over each other's
00:10:24dick to see you could bag
00:10:25the most babes.
00:10:27You know?
00:10:28Fuck something.
00:10:30Anything.
00:10:31Matt.
00:10:31That kid's got problems.
00:10:34Yeah,
00:10:35and that problem is you.
00:10:36Come on,
00:10:37Neil.
00:10:38We just wanted to make sure
00:10:39that both of you
00:10:40were spiritually prepared
00:10:41for what's going to happen.
00:10:42Of course.
00:10:43Yeah.
00:10:44It's a great honor.
00:10:46It will all be over
00:10:48very quickly,
00:10:49right?
00:10:49Oh,
00:10:50just as quick
00:10:51as I can make it,
00:10:51my dear.
00:10:52I can assure you
00:10:53that the dagger
00:10:54plunges into the flesh
00:10:56swiftly,
00:10:56smoothly.
00:10:58That sounds so painful.
00:10:59No,
00:11:00no,
00:11:00no,
00:11:00no.
00:11:01He'll feel a little pinched,
00:11:02but for no more
00:11:03than an instant.
00:11:04So,
00:11:05no pain?
00:11:06No,
00:11:06there will be pain,
00:11:07extreme pain,
00:11:08and blood,
00:11:10lots and lots of it.
00:11:12I'm so sorry.
00:11:14As I was saying,
00:11:16this whole process
00:11:17is not only painless,
00:11:18but euphoric.
00:11:19I,
00:11:20I have a crazy idea.
00:11:23Why don't we just
00:11:24sit him down
00:11:26and explain
00:11:27everything to him?
00:11:28That way he will,
00:11:29he'll be prepared.
00:11:30What are you going
00:11:31to tell him,
00:11:31okay?
00:11:32That his best friend
00:11:33is going to have
00:11:33to mop him up
00:11:34after the ceremony?
00:11:35No.
00:11:36Shelley,
00:11:36come on.
00:11:37He'll accept it.
00:11:39He loves Satan.
00:11:41Sheldon,
00:11:41I'm so sorry.
00:11:42No,
00:11:43no,
00:11:43no,
00:11:43please,
00:11:43please.
00:11:45There's no
00:11:46reason to
00:11:47confuse the little fellow.
00:11:50We don't have time
00:11:52for second thoughts.
00:11:54If we don't perform
00:11:55the ritual
00:11:55on the equinox
00:11:57of his 18th year,
00:11:59Jesus Christ
00:11:59will return
00:12:00and usher
00:12:01in a thousand years
00:12:02of peace on earth.
00:12:05Is that what you want?
00:12:07No.
00:12:10I didn't think so.
00:12:14So my advice to you
00:12:15is to put your misgivings
00:12:17aside and focus
00:12:19on the positive.
00:12:20Eat some cake.
00:12:29Yeah,
00:12:29you should be
00:12:29enjoying your big night.
00:12:31Want some ice cream
00:12:32on that?
00:12:33You should be eating
00:12:33like there's no tomorrow.
00:12:36It's a clown, Dad.
00:12:38I'm 18.
00:12:38Why don't you
00:12:39tell us what's wrong?
00:12:42Is it a girl?
00:12:44No.
00:12:44Actually, yeah,
00:12:51kind of.
00:12:54Huh?
00:12:58Something happened.
00:13:01I'm not going to
00:13:01bore you with the details.
00:13:03You're going to
00:13:03look me in the eye
00:13:04and you're going to
00:13:05answer me truthfully.
00:13:06Was there any
00:13:07physical contact?
00:13:08No.
00:13:09So there was
00:13:10no intercourse?
00:13:11Intercourse?
00:13:12No.
00:13:13And no oral?
00:13:13Giving or receiving?
00:13:16No.
00:13:17What about anal?
00:13:18Jesus, Mom.
00:13:19Answer your mother.
00:13:20Was there anal?
00:13:21No.
00:13:22Okay, look.
00:13:23Something happened
00:13:24that will ensure
00:13:25I will never get laid
00:13:26in my whole life.
00:13:28Son, look.
00:13:29You know you can
00:13:30talk to me
00:13:30about anything.
00:13:31I didn't break
00:13:32my stupid oath.
00:13:33All right?
00:13:37Okay, then.
00:13:40Your oath isn't
00:13:41stupid, honey.
00:13:42It's the whole
00:13:43reason you were born.
00:13:45We were your age
00:13:46when I conceived
00:13:47and we just
00:13:48didn't know what to do.
00:13:50But Sheldon told us
00:13:52that you had
00:13:53a special purpose.
00:13:55Look,
00:13:56I'm sure you're
00:13:57going through
00:13:57some pretty
00:13:58depressing teenage
00:13:59stuff right now.
00:14:00Been there,
00:14:01done that.
00:14:02Even I had
00:14:03a stupid haircut
00:14:03once, didn't I?
00:14:04But you are
00:14:07representing our family
00:14:08and our church.
00:14:10When it is all over,
00:14:11you will have
00:14:11a fuller understanding
00:14:12of what it is all about.
00:14:15You're going to take a week.
00:14:22Carrie,
00:14:23we need to tell him.
00:14:25You know how
00:14:25we hate surprises.
00:14:27If we just
00:14:27explain it to him.
00:14:28Absolutely not.
00:14:30He'll cause a scene.
00:14:31Crying and kicking
00:14:32and screaming.
00:14:33I mean, do you want
00:14:33other people to see that?
00:14:36Look, you heard him.
00:14:37Okay?
00:14:37He has suffered
00:14:38enough humiliation.
00:14:39Trust me.
00:14:41We did not choose
00:14:42Neil's destiny.
00:14:46He did.
00:14:51Lucifer,
00:14:52Baphomet,
00:14:53Belial,
00:14:54Baden,
00:14:55Nesopal,
00:14:56Belial,
00:14:58Prince of Darkness.
00:14:59Lucifer,
00:15:00Baphomet,
00:15:01Belial,
00:15:02Baden,
00:15:03He's alive.
00:15:04I want you to know
00:15:05that it won't just be Neil
00:15:07who will be rewarded
00:15:08for his sacrifice
00:15:09to a new era.
00:15:12To a new era.
00:15:19It's almost sundown, dear.
00:15:21Oh.
00:15:22Would you kindly
00:15:23excuse us?
00:15:24Of course.
00:15:24Good evening.
00:15:33Good evening.
00:15:36Good evening.
00:15:37Good evening.
00:15:40Lucifer,
00:15:41Baphomet,
00:15:42Belial,
00:15:43Baden,
00:15:44Nesopal,
00:15:45Belial,
00:15:46I'm so proud of you.
00:15:49Thanks.
00:15:50You've been such a good son.
00:15:52You've been such a good son.
00:16:11There he is, buddy.
00:16:13Huh?
00:16:14Man of the hour.
00:16:15Listen,
00:16:17I heard that after the confirmation,
00:16:19you get to bone any woman you want
00:16:21from within the congregation.
00:16:23If you were me,
00:16:24I'd go for Colette
00:16:24and make her boyfriend fucking watch.
00:16:26Don't embarrass me.
00:16:28Pfft.
00:16:29Do I ever?
00:16:31Okay, everybody.
00:16:32Time to get started.
00:16:33Are you excited?
00:16:55Are you excited?
00:16:55Are you excited?
00:17:03Brothers and sisters,
00:17:07we are gathered together
00:17:08for an ancient ceremony,
00:17:11momentous and beautiful.
00:17:14Before we begin,
00:17:15please turn off your cell phones
00:17:17and all other electronic devices.
00:17:25Eighteen years ago,
00:17:28our Lord chose this young man
00:17:30to join him in battle
00:17:32against the great deceiver.
00:17:34His spirit will join with the Father
00:17:37on this night.
00:17:40We now ask young Neil
00:17:41to lay his earthly vessel
00:17:44upon our altar.
00:17:48Handmaidens of our Lord.
00:17:49Dude, I think they're going to fuck you
00:18:07right here in front of everyone.
00:18:08In nomine satanus.
00:18:11In nomine satanus.
00:18:13Now the time approaches
00:18:15to release his spirit
00:18:17into the arms of our Father.
00:18:20Whereupon his soul
00:18:21will join our King
00:18:24for all eternity.
00:18:27The sacrificial lamb
00:18:29will stand with Lucifer
00:18:32in Hades.
00:18:35Sacrificial lamb?
00:18:37It's a metaphor.
00:18:38As we tear the virgin's flesh asunder
00:18:41so that the blood may spill forth
00:18:43in holy offering.
00:18:53Dude.
00:18:56Sartanus Rex.
00:18:58Dude.
00:18:59Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:18:59What the...
00:19:00In nomine satanus.
00:19:03Sartanus.
00:19:05Neil, Neil.
00:19:06Hey, Neil.
00:19:08Ah, it's here.
00:19:09Neil.
00:19:10Get back here!
00:19:12Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
00:19:14Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
00:19:16Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
00:19:18Hold it!
00:19:20Okay. Oh, shit.
00:19:22Come on.
00:19:32Oh, fuck!
00:19:34God!
00:19:40Come here! Quickly!
00:19:42Come on.
00:19:44There they go!
00:19:46Where's my other shoe?
00:19:48Where's my other shoe?
00:19:50I'm so sorry, Sheldon.
00:19:52I mean, what can I say?
00:19:54You can say nothing!
00:19:56Get that.
00:19:58Yeah.
00:20:00Hello.
00:20:02I'm so sorry, Sheldon.
00:20:04I mean, what can I say?
00:20:06You can say nothing!
00:20:08Get that!
00:20:10Hello?
00:20:12Until sunrise or the window will close.
00:20:14If we fail, his wrath will fall on us all!
00:20:18No, that won't happen.
00:20:20I'll go get him. He'll be back on that altar in no time.
00:20:22No!
00:20:24You stay right here!
00:20:26Take these two with you and fetch them back.
00:20:30We need a soft touch to lure them back.
00:20:34You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Colette?
00:20:38I think so.
00:20:40Good girl.
00:20:42Now go.
00:20:44And remember, as always, to keep a low profile.
00:20:54And you, if they don't return, consider yourself excommunicated, and you will never see the gates of hell.
00:21:06Matt!
00:21:10Matt!
00:21:12Matt!
00:21:14What the fuck you doing?
00:21:16Matt!
00:21:17What the fuck, man?
00:21:18You can't take that.
00:21:19That's my family's Mexico money for this.
00:21:20Oh.
00:21:21Oh, I'm sorry.
00:21:22Why don't you enjoy your lovely time in Acapulco, and don't forget to send me a postcard before they murder you?
00:21:27Dude, look, my dad, my dad's an asshole too, okay?
00:21:32I know.
00:21:36Oh, fuck me.
00:21:38I'm calling the cops.
00:21:39What?
00:21:40Oh, no, no, no, don't do that.
00:21:41Dude, don't do that.
00:21:42All right?
00:21:43My dad's a cop, and half the force goes to a church.
00:21:45Police, please.
00:21:46Get the police.
00:21:47Hello?
00:21:48Hey, it's Matt, Paul's kid.
00:21:50My dad's gone rogue.
00:21:51Matt, where are you?
00:21:52I'm at my friend Neil's house.
00:21:54Is Neil with you?
00:21:55Stay where you are.
00:21:56We'll send somebody right now.
00:21:57Who are you sending?
00:21:58Just stay where you are, Matt.
00:22:00Oh, shit.
00:22:01Fuck.
00:22:02We gotta go.
00:22:04This sucks.
00:22:05All right?
00:22:06We could be at Cheryl's party right now.
00:22:08Totally enjoying the all-you-can-eat vagina buffet.
00:22:10Or mu-fay, if you will.
00:22:13Wait.
00:22:14This all happened because you're a virgin, right?
00:22:17So, so, so we get you laid.
00:22:19Problem solved.
00:22:22Oh, I got it.
00:22:24Who are you calling?
00:22:25But stop, stop, stop calling people.
00:22:27Okay?
00:22:28What?
00:22:29Denise!
00:22:30A friend of fuck.
00:22:31Oh, that's brilliant.
00:22:32Come on.
00:22:33Oh, I mean, we give her rides all the time.
00:22:34Come on.
00:22:35Come on.
00:22:36Come on.
00:22:37Come on.
00:22:38Come on.
00:22:39Come on.
00:22:40Come on.
00:22:41Come on.
00:22:42Come on.
00:22:43Come on.
00:22:44Come on.
00:22:45Come on.
00:22:46Come on.
00:22:47Come on.
00:22:48Come on.
00:22:49Come on.
00:22:50Come on.
00:22:51Come on.
00:22:52Come on.
00:22:53You're alive you're alive.
00:22:54Come on, come on.
00:22:55She's alive when you need to help you,
00:22:56old man.
00:22:57Gets.
00:22:57Neil?
00:22:58Come on.
00:23:00Maddie?
00:23:05Are you guys here?
00:23:05Come on out.
00:23:06Beep.
00:23:10Buddy?
00:23:12Buddy?
00:23:17Come on.
00:23:18A Ojiburgh.
00:23:20you're overthinking this man she's my friend all right i just i just don't want her to feel like
00:23:39she's being used she's not being used she's saving your life i know she's saving my life
00:23:43exactly that's why i'm just gonna tell her the truth all right denise is super cool man
00:23:48she'll totally get it that's sweet okay but women don't really respond well to the truth okay it's
00:23:53like they like mystery it's like your magic if you told them how you did the magic you lose the
00:23:58magic right ask me how big my dick is what why would i ask you that besides i've seen it looks
00:24:05like a toe just bear with me okay just just ask how big is your dick well i don't really like to
00:24:14talk about it but you know it's nine and a half inches okay see now i'll ask you how big is your
00:24:21dick i don't know i've never measured it average wrong 10 inches why would i lie if the lie works
00:24:26i'm gonna get caught it doesn't matter that's the thing okay once she finds out that it's only five
00:24:30inches it's already two inches deep oh okay matt you're gonna stay outside okay i'm not doing this
00:24:38it's fine that's fine i've washed my hands of this i just i'll just uh be out here making phone calls
00:24:45no cheryl's huh wasn't wasn't feeling it um can i come in yeah sure why not
00:24:58are your parents home no
00:25:04oh i've been stuck on this level for like two days
00:25:09is there one more day of this and i'm pillaging the internet for cheat codes
00:25:13dude can you sit down this is pretty annoying
00:25:15okay okay uh i really need to talk i really i really need to talk to you about something
00:25:23it's kind of a big deal okay talk okay yeah only denise can this okay hey amy it's matt listen
00:25:38there's some crazy shit going down tonight like end of the world type stuff so cheryl's party might
00:25:47be your last chance to get with me all right holla back mwah hey you know how much i respect you
00:25:52yeah so much yeah okay okay um i uh i think you're awesome i think you're kind of a dork
00:26:02oh what i'm about to ask i could never ask anybody else
00:26:08okay drama queen i need i just need you to say that you will do this one thing for me
00:26:17and i promise i will never ask you for anything ever again as long as i live which might not be for
00:26:24long let's hear it
00:26:26i need you to have sex with me tonight if you don't i'm gonna die
00:26:33i just i just need to put it in it doesn't have to be anything special
00:26:39i don't know what the fuck i'm gonna be doing but i don't even know the rules i don't i don't know
00:26:43what the fuck neil
00:26:44there's some crazy shit going down tonight like end of the world type stuff so cheryl's party might be
00:26:56your last chance to get with me so
00:26:57holla back
00:26:59normally i would never even think of doing anything remotely sexual with you but
00:27:03i'm really fucking desperate i just need you to just let me just fuck like just it can no no no
00:27:10meaning to it just the tip anything that'll work keep going lover boy really my panties are dripping
00:27:15i swear i i oh fuck oh okay denise yeah let's do it really the sheer balls of it is impressive
00:27:24i swear i'm not fucking with you okay you know the church my family belongs to
00:27:28it's kind of different well they just tried to sacrifice me because i'm a virgin what
00:27:36yeah i know what a fucking virgin is but what the fuck are you talking about
00:27:40unless i lose my virginity tonight they're gonna sacrifice my ass to say they're here come on oh
00:27:48my god neil oh denise it's not fucking funny
00:27:51listen i need to know if this is gonna happen or i really gotta run neil i don't know what the
00:28:00fuck you're on but you're being a real asshole right now i'm gonna get the door oh oh fuck
00:28:09yeah hey oh my god this is so annoying but you wouldn't happen to have seen neil
00:28:14no well we were all just hanging out at the mall you know listening to cds and uh he just ran off
00:28:23we think he might be losing his mind we were just really worried so well he was babbling nonsense
00:28:30so you saw him
00:28:33yeah do you want to maybe tell us where he went sorry who are you guys well hi i'm brad
00:28:40it would be really helpful if you could help us find me
00:28:46all right uh yeah come in
00:28:52how'd they know we were here i don't know
00:28:54fucked oh shit shit shit oh
00:29:01come on come on okay i gotcha let's go no so it's just down this street here oh but it's a one-way
00:29:08so uh you should just go around via oak and cheryl's house should just be right there
00:29:19you've been incredibly helpful thank you yeah how do you guys know neil again from church
00:29:24what church is that you've never heard of it we worship satan
00:29:38you've never walked into a room where everybody's seen you wearing jizz
00:29:54uh yes i have
00:29:56i can't do it i choose death what no no no no no wait wait wait okay your parents almost killing
00:30:04you tonight that's the best thing that could have happened to you they'd lit a fire under your ass
00:30:08to go out there grab life by the ears and make sweet sweet love to his mouth
00:30:12you're a selfish prick you know that how am i selfish because this is your last chance neil and you
00:30:23don't go in there and bust your hymen then you're a dead man and then that's on my head and i can't
00:30:28live with that shit so fuck you
00:30:30i wouldn't want me dying to be a source of guilt for you or anything yes
00:30:44i don't want me dying to be a source of guilt for you or anything that's on my head
00:30:49see not so bad huh uh uh oh shit uh let's get you a beer this way ladies you guys know neil right
00:31:01oh can i get one of these here we go here we go here we go your phone baby
00:31:06hey look everybody it's the man himself let's all do the fucking meal
00:31:30dude hey
00:31:36god that was the worst thing i've ever seen happen to anybody you need a shot
00:31:46hitting bottom nowhere to go but up don't worry
00:31:53oh that's
00:32:06what's
00:32:16who's in there i think it's that masturbating guy hey man you jerking off in there
00:32:27go
00:32:40go
00:32:44Grop, Grop, Grop, Grop, Grop, Grop, Grop, Grop, Grop, Grop, Grop, Grop, Grop...
00:32:59What the fuck do you think you're doing?
00:33:05Behold, the Great Master Baiter.
00:33:10And I give to you my fabulous phallus of fun.
00:33:17Ooh.
00:33:27Thank you. Thank you.
00:33:32Now I need a volunteer for this next trick.
00:33:35How about, um, you?
00:33:39Fuck that.
00:33:41We gotta bash for one, folks.
00:33:43Let's give him some encouragement.
00:33:45Uh, Kent!
00:33:46Kent!
00:33:47Kent!
00:33:48Kent!
00:33:49Kent!
00:33:50Kent!
00:33:51Kent!
00:33:52Kent!
00:33:53Kent!
00:33:54Kent!
00:33:55Kent!
00:33:56Kent!
00:33:57Kent!
00:34:04Now I need complete silence for this next trick.
00:34:07Touch me and you're a dead man.
00:34:10All right.
00:34:13Pick a card, any card.
00:34:18What?
00:34:19A stupid card trick?
00:34:21Any card at all.
00:34:23Now show it to the room.
00:34:27Now show it to the room.
00:34:30You guys get a good look?
00:34:32Yeah.
00:34:33Now put it back.
00:34:35All right.
00:34:37Kent.
00:34:38Is this your card?
00:34:40Fuck no.
00:34:42Is this his card?
00:34:44Oh.
00:34:45No.
00:34:48Oh.
00:34:49Hmm.
00:34:50Check your pants.
00:34:51Check my what?
00:34:52Your pants.
00:34:53Fuck.
00:34:55Fuck.
00:34:57Fuck.
00:34:58Fuck.
00:35:11That was, uh, that was pretty awesome.
00:35:15Yeah, do you want to see another one?
00:35:18Maybe.
00:35:33I can't taste it when you say I show it.
00:35:36I can't taste it when you say I show it.
00:35:36I feel it, I feel it, I feel it, I feel it.
00:35:38I feel it, I feel it.
00:35:40I feel it, I feel it, I feel it.
00:35:43You know, I feel it.
00:35:48Oh, fuck.
00:35:50Just stop.
00:35:55Ah!
00:35:56Ah!
00:35:57Ooh.
00:35:58Ah.
00:35:59Ooh!
00:36:03you like my outfit it's really pretty yeah thanks
00:36:09take the back of the knee right surprisingly sensitive it can't always be about the clitoris
00:36:19oh hey you go to my church oh that's right it is so good to see you it's good to see you
00:36:25so where's neil neil neil's amazing i know right where is he
00:36:31no no no no i'm not telling you you i'm not gonna tell please tell me please please tell me
00:36:43you smell like cinnamon uh okay okay okay i'll tell you okay but you're a little late because he's
00:36:51already
00:36:52so what are you into besides magic um i like video games i kind of like the retro stuff
00:37:08because it's more about the games i meant like in bed
00:37:12uh
00:37:15you want to fuck me don't you that would be super helpful
00:37:23yeah yeah i mean yes okay
00:37:27neil
00:37:33neil are you up here
00:37:38are you ready i think so oh you feel ready i feel ready
00:37:47you know i just came to warn you that these people from your church are coming
00:37:59oh can we still do this you're kidding right
00:38:03oh shit fuck do something
00:38:13that was close let's go
00:38:29uh no i'll stay here and buy you some time
00:38:31denise it's not safe
00:38:33they're not after me okay we'll catch up later and see what happens
00:38:35so you believe me now
00:38:37yes i believe you're being hunted by a satanic cult
00:38:41cult
00:38:41did you see neil jesus is every girl at this party trying to get with him
00:38:51where is he
00:38:52oh my god hey you know i was wondering where all the hot balls were what are you doing here
00:39:12that we have to go what we have to go get up wait wait wait do i have puke in my teeth
00:39:26where's your friend who neil uh did you try upstairs yeah
00:39:34oh i just gotta sleep oh ow dude oh the keys we gotta go man all right i got the key
00:39:49you're all smiling
00:39:54um hey guys uh where are you going not stealing your car no we're borrowing
00:40:00no that's it that's it for you right
00:40:14oh hey
00:40:15so this church is it anything like regular church or no it's the exact opposite
00:40:21oh okay so your altar boys molester priests i don't really know
00:40:28that's it for you right there you better drive we gotta be responsible here
00:40:38oh
00:40:40i'm gonna hurt you go go go go get out of the goddamn car
00:40:44go go go go go
00:40:46get the truck
00:40:52put her in the car
00:41:02how the did they find us
00:41:04i'll tell you how
00:41:06your friend without benefits sold us out
00:41:08denise
00:41:10no fucking way man she helped us escape
00:41:12oh barely you don't know what you're talking about how about your dad
00:41:16the cop i bet you 50 bucks he's got some kind of tracking chip implanted into your nutsack
00:41:20listen there are satanists all over this town it could be anyone okay it could be you know the
00:41:26fucking taxi drivers waitresses cops hobos
00:41:30fucking baristas dog groomers
00:41:34fucking vegans fucking hipsters man
00:41:36you're right you're you're right we gotta keep our eyes peeled bottom line
00:41:40the only people we can trust are each other okay
00:41:44wait
00:41:46what if you just lied
00:41:48how will they know
00:41:50they will know my mom's a bloodhound for bullshit
00:41:52that self-respecting teenager doesn't know how to lie to his own mother
00:41:56she can smell it on my breath
00:41:58oh fuck
00:42:00fuck
00:42:02fuck
00:42:04fuck
00:42:06what's wrong
00:42:08we're out of gas
00:42:14maybe the satanists will be too scared to follow us here
00:42:18it's one of those prepaid deals
00:42:28i got it
00:42:36hi
00:42:3850 bucks on pump 2
00:42:44let the scales fall from your eyes
00:42:46for god
00:42:48is the deceiver
00:42:50and satan is the salvation
00:42:52sheldon told us that you had a special purpose
00:42:56what?
00:43:10i couldn't pay for it
00:43:12no
00:43:14no
00:43:16yo dude
00:43:18what the fuck is all that?
00:43:19provisions
00:43:20in case we have to go into hiding?
00:43:21yeah
00:43:22hiding
00:43:23about that
00:43:24i've been thinking
00:43:25hiding might not be the best idea
00:43:26i mean
00:43:27okay
00:43:28come on
00:43:29no no no no
00:43:30get in the car
00:43:31this might sound a little fucked up
00:43:32but if any of this shit is real then
00:43:34getting me laid
00:43:35might actually save the world
00:43:37get in the car
00:43:39come on
00:43:40what?
00:43:41i'm
00:43:42i'm kind of serious
00:43:43i know
00:43:44you're serious
00:43:45that's why this is so fucking insane man
00:43:46it's like delusions of grandeur
00:43:48they tried to kill me
00:43:49if this shit is real nobody is safe
00:43:51you get that right?
00:43:52dude there's no hell
00:43:54there's no satan or any of that shit
00:43:56i mean your parents my parents
00:43:58sheldon mary
00:43:59they're all just brainwashed lunatics dude
00:44:01the sooner you realize that the freer you'll be
00:44:03come on dude look at me
00:44:05i'm just
00:44:07living in the moment
00:44:08having a fucking blast
00:44:09enjoying not one but two flavors of beef jerky
00:44:12no big deal
00:44:13because i know
00:44:15at the end of the day
00:44:16the only asshole who's judging me
00:44:18is me
00:44:19you know why i'm here
00:44:21right?
00:44:22because i'm your only friend
00:44:24yes
00:44:25that
00:44:26and because i want to be there
00:44:27for the first
00:44:28moment
00:44:29that your dick tastes vaginal glory
00:44:31you want to watch me have sex?
00:44:34no no dude
00:44:35i just
00:44:36i just want to see you be happy
00:44:38come on man
00:44:39be happy?
00:44:41you just want to live vicariously through me
00:44:43because you're not
00:44:44not what?
00:44:46nothing
00:44:48never mind
00:44:50i didn't say that
00:44:51oh
00:44:52because i'm not
00:44:54cool enough
00:44:55for you
00:44:56because i'm just your
00:44:57your tag-along friend
00:44:58right?
00:44:59and now all of a sudden that you're mr popular you can't hang out with a loser like me?
00:45:03did i say that?
00:45:04whoa please
00:45:05neil
00:45:06be my friend
00:45:07here take my jerky
00:45:08how much for a sleepover?
00:45:09whoa whoa
00:45:10you want to hang out now?
00:45:11take everything
00:45:12stop
00:45:13everything i have
00:45:14stop
00:45:16whoa
00:45:17what?
00:45:18i can't believe i'm even suggesting this
00:45:21what?
00:45:23prostitutes
00:45:25prostitutes
00:45:27prostitutes
00:45:28prostitutes
00:45:29prostitutes
00:45:30prostitutes
00:45:31prostitutes
00:45:32prostitutes
00:45:33shit
00:45:35fuck yeah man
00:45:39all right
00:45:45keep looking
00:45:47Keep looking.
00:45:52It does not look good, I'm afraid.
00:45:55He'll show up, Sheldon.
00:45:56Trust me.
00:45:57You don't have to fear me, Gary.
00:46:00I'm on your side.
00:46:02What you need to fear, or what we all need to fear,
00:46:06is our lord below.
00:46:08I am merely an instrument of his wrath.
00:46:13What Sheldon is trying to say is that-
00:46:15Yes, Mary.
00:46:17Explain to them what I'm trying to say.
00:46:21What Sheldon is trying to say is that if Neil doesn't show up,
00:46:27we're going to need to find some kind of replacement offering.
00:46:32Thank you for clarifying, my dear.
00:46:36Oh.
00:46:47Oh, this is sad.
00:46:49We should be helping these women, not exploiting them.
00:46:51Hey, hey, hey, this was, this was your idea.
00:46:54I know, I just, I thought it would be less tragic somehow.
00:46:57Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
00:46:59Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
00:47:01Stop.
00:47:02Hey.
00:47:03Uh, you looking to make some real cash money and get serviced by a couple of barely legal studs?
00:47:09Both you looking?
00:47:10No.
00:47:11Yes.
00:47:12Yes.
00:47:13How much?
00:47:14That depends on what you want.
00:47:15Uh, I, I just really need to lose my virginity tonight, so, hmm.
00:47:30Yeah, I can help you out, but not here.
00:47:43Meet me there and ask for Ashley.
00:47:46Ah.
00:48:00Is it?
00:48:01Yeah.
00:48:02Yeah.
00:48:03Yeah.
00:48:04Yeah.
00:48:05Yeah.
00:48:06Yeah.
00:48:07Can I help you?
00:48:10Is this the house of ill repute?
00:48:13You don't have to whisper.
00:48:15Oh.
00:48:16Oh, okay.
00:48:18I'd like one prostitute, please.
00:48:21All right.
00:48:22What were you looking for, exactly?
00:48:24I'd like a good personality.
00:48:26I'd like a cute laugh.
00:48:29And boobs.
00:48:31They all have boobs.
00:48:32We'll take Ashley.
00:48:34Great.
00:48:35Great.
00:48:36Yeah.
00:48:37I'll go with that.
00:48:38Great.
00:48:39Have a seat.
00:48:40Here.
00:48:44Whew.
00:48:45Things got red eyes.
00:48:54You come with me.
00:48:56You sit tight.
00:48:57Oh, no.
00:48:58No.
00:48:59Uh, no, no, no.
00:49:00See, the thing, wait.
00:49:01Do you want to do this?
00:49:02Yes.
00:49:03Please.
00:49:04Yes, please.
00:49:05And he goes first.
00:49:07Whoa.
00:49:08Whoa.
00:49:09Uh, wait, Ashley.
00:49:11Uh, baby.
00:49:13Look.
00:49:14I, uh, cannot wait to get with you, and I'm so flattered that you feel the same way.
00:49:19But, um, but he really should go first.
00:49:20Yeah.
00:49:21I really need to go first.
00:49:22Matt?
00:49:23Come on.
00:49:24Whoa.
00:49:25Uh, Neil.
00:49:26Uh, Matt?
00:49:27I don't know, man.
00:49:28Uh, so?
00:49:29What's your deal?
00:49:30I don't know.
00:49:31I don't know.
00:49:32I don't know.
00:49:33I don't know.
00:49:34I don't know, man.
00:49:35Uh, well, I, uh, I think I like to start off with a hand job.
00:49:39Uh, yeah.
00:49:40Uh, I don't know.
00:49:41Uh, I don't know, man.
00:49:42Uh, uh, I don't know.
00:49:43Uh, I don't know.
00:49:44Uh, I don't know.
00:49:45Uh, I don't know.
00:49:46Uh, I don't know.
00:49:47Come on.
00:49:48Well, uh, Neil, uh, Matt?
00:49:49Uh, I don't know, man.
00:49:50I don't know, man.
00:49:51Uh, I don't know, man.
00:49:52so what's your deal uh well i uh i think i like to start off with a hand job
00:50:06and uh and then you know work my way up to a blow job and then finish off with a vagina job
00:50:13okay yeah uh cool uh and the same exact same goes for my friend out there i really
00:50:24can't stress enough how important it is that he gets a proper vagina job well how much money do you
00:50:30got oh yes currency
00:51:00so uh how'd you get into prostituting so i i mean you must have some some uh wild stories
00:51:18not really oh no you you uh i mean any crazy characters at least or i guess uh uh uh what's the uh
00:51:30weirdest thing that anyone's ever asked you to do this one guy pays me to poop on his dog
00:51:38oh uh what kind of dog i don't know brown one
00:51:51can't see your boobs at least
00:52:00oh what if i told you this was my first time
00:52:06just don't cry i'm done i'm done i'm done
00:52:09oh man was it awesome uh i just i mean
00:52:37not only was the sex amazing but oh but you know i think that the um that the best part was um
00:52:46was that ashley and i really connected you know really yeah
00:52:50wow wow wow okay so where is she ashley oh uh poor thing's exhausted you know i really gave
00:53:02it to her in there but but don't worry you know i'm sure she's got another one in her
00:53:06just just don't be mad at me if she still has mad on the mind
00:53:09i'm gonna have sex you're gonna have sex and i'm not gonna die and you're not gonna die go in there
00:53:18all right do it you're ready i'm ready man have a great time i am a fucking
00:53:28i'm gonna die
00:53:37ashley
00:53:42Hey, I think it's my turn.
00:53:58You just sit there, okay?
00:54:04Where are you going?
00:54:09I'll be right back.
00:54:12Hey, Neil, we just need to talk to you for a minute.
00:54:35Everything's okay.
00:54:36Everything's okay.
00:54:37We just need to talk to you for just a second.
00:54:39This is the ring!
00:54:40Everybody out!
00:54:41Open up the police!
00:54:45I'm sorry!
00:54:47I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:54:50I'm sorry.
00:54:51He's not lying.
00:54:52I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:54:54I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:54:58I'm sorry.
00:54:59All that? You seen him?
00:55:29Oh, shit!
00:55:32Cut! Get back here!
00:55:33Brad, it's not Neil!
00:55:35Neil!
00:55:36Neil!
00:55:37Get the fuck back here!
00:55:39Brad!
00:55:41Brad, get back here!
00:55:42Get the fuck back here!
00:55:44Oh, you goddamn idiot.
00:55:49Brad, he stole the car!
00:55:51What?
00:55:55Brad, come on!
00:55:57Oh, shit!
00:55:59Well, I have to hand it to you.
00:56:01It's pretty brave of you to come back for me.
00:56:03What happened to you?
00:56:04Just tried to keep him busy.
00:56:06Tried to buy you some time.
00:56:07But I did get pretty friendly with Brad.
00:56:09Denise, he's the enemy.
00:56:11For fuck's sake, Neil. I'm joking.
00:56:17You're never gonna get it, are you?
00:56:19Get what?
00:56:20That I like you, you moron!
00:56:22I like you too, but you don't have to be a bitch about it.
00:56:24No, Neil. Fuck.
00:56:26I like like you.
00:56:29Like, like...
00:56:31What?
00:56:32Why?
00:56:34I don't know, cause you're like the coolest person I've ever met.
00:56:37I'm not, I'm not cool, Denise. I don't even know how to be cool.
00:56:40Exactly, Neil.
00:56:41Oh, wow.
00:56:43Awesome. Does that mean we get to have sex now?
00:56:45No.
00:56:46Make love.
00:56:47Make love.
00:56:48Okay, you really have to do better than that.
00:56:50You smell nice.
00:56:51No, Neil, I...
00:56:52Jesus, what do you want me to say? That I like you, but I've always liked you, but I never thought...
00:56:56I knew it. You're a fucking chicken.
00:56:58Fuck.
00:56:59Okay, let's just go back in time.
00:57:01Pretend I had the guts to ask you out on a real date.
00:57:04A date.
00:57:05No.
00:57:06Okay, where are we going?
00:57:07It's a surprise, but, but you say yes. I, uh, I picked you up at your house with one perfect red rose.
00:57:13And, uh, I'm really nervous because this is the night I'm gonna tell you everything and you're really nervous too because you know what's coming.
00:57:20All right, tell me more.
00:57:22We start with something fun, like go-karting. And, uh, and after we walk down to that fancy vegan restaurant and, uh...
00:57:32Nice touch.
00:57:33For dinner we walk by the beach and I gather every bit of courage I have and tell you what I've always needed to.
00:57:42What do you say?
00:57:44That I've liked you since I was old enough to like girls, but I was terrified that if I made a move on you, you would ruin it and screw it up and never talk to me again.
00:58:06Oh, no. Hold on.
00:58:14Hold on.
00:58:42Are you fucking kidding me?
00:58:44Neil. Neil, are you fucking kidding me?
00:58:46Oh, fuck me. Sorry.
00:58:48Oh, my God.
00:58:50Neil.
00:58:51Oh, fuck.
00:58:52Come on.
00:58:53I'm sorry. I'm just really sorry.
00:58:57That's a mess.
00:58:58Denise, I really can't...
00:59:04What the...
00:59:07Julie.
00:59:08Was there penetration?
00:59:11A bunch.
00:59:15Really?
00:59:16So...
00:59:17Tell me what it felt like.
00:59:18Like a fucking...
00:59:19Put a sock...
00:59:20Put a sock on a foot, man.
00:59:22And it fits just right.
00:59:24I'm still a virgin.
00:59:25Let's go.
00:59:26Let's go.
00:59:27Buddy.
00:59:28Let's go.
00:59:29I'm so sorry.
00:59:30It's okay.
00:59:31Call me tomorrow.
00:59:32I will.
00:59:33Did you...
00:59:34Did you get it in?
00:59:35Did you get it in her?
00:59:36What?
00:59:37What?
00:59:46So?
00:59:48What happened?
00:59:49Are you gonna say anything?
00:59:50Are you gonna tell me what happened?
00:59:51What happened?
00:59:52Okay.
00:59:53Uh...
00:59:54I told Denise I liked her.
00:59:55She said she liked me back.
00:59:56Which was great.
00:59:57And then, uh...
00:59:58I came all over her fucking leg.
01:00:01Happy?
01:00:02That's awesome, dude.
01:00:04I mean...
01:00:05Shit, if you would've told her sooner, you could've been breaking your oath all over the place.
01:00:09We wouldn't even be here.
01:00:10Oh, so this is my fault now, Matt?
01:00:12What?
01:00:13No.
01:00:14No, no, no, no, no.
01:00:15I'm just saying...
01:00:16Oh, you're just saying.
01:00:17Good.
01:00:18Good.
01:00:19Okay, good.
01:00:20You're just saying.
01:00:21Uh-huh.
01:00:22Okay.
01:00:23Well, what I'm saying is that you've made this whole night about you.
01:00:25I was the one who was supposed to get late tonight.
01:00:28You got in line, and you were the one who had sex.
01:00:31Yeah, I had sex with a dirty hoe, okay?
01:00:34What you had with Denise, that's special.
01:00:36That's...
01:00:37That's nice.
01:00:38Fuck you, man.
01:00:39No.
01:00:40Fuck me.
01:00:41It's too late.
01:00:42There's no more me and Denise, dude.
01:00:43I'm not going to school again, dude.
01:00:45I'm dead.
01:00:46Like, fucking dead.
01:00:47Dead, dead, dead.
01:00:48You're not dead yet, okay?
01:00:50You still...
01:00:51We can still get out of here, and don't blame me for this.
01:00:53I'm gonna get out.
01:00:54My hands are fucking tied.
01:00:55Yeah?
01:00:56My hands are tied!
01:00:57My hands are tied, too!
01:01:00Did you just kick me?
01:01:07You just fucking kicked me?
01:01:08Yeah, I fucking...
01:01:09Fuck you!
01:01:10What are you doing, man?
01:01:11You just fucking kicked me first!
01:01:12You just fucking hurt!
01:01:13Oh!
01:01:14Hey, shut the fuck up back there!
01:01:15No, you shut the fuck up, man!
01:01:17Fuck you, man!
01:01:18Fuck!
01:01:19Fuck!
01:01:20Fuck!
01:01:21Fuck!
01:01:22Fuck!
01:01:23Fuck!
01:01:24Fuck!
01:01:31Don't even...
01:01:32Ah.
01:01:33There you are.
01:01:36You are more trouble than you're worth.
01:01:40And you have kept us waiting.
01:01:42Well, I gotta hand it to you, Neil.
01:01:44You continually find new ways to humiliate your family.
01:01:49I'm the embarrassment.
01:01:51Really, Dad, me.
01:01:52I'm the embarrassment.
01:01:53Yeah, that's right, Buster.
01:01:55This stupid religion is fucked with your head so bad, you're actually willing to sacrifice your own flesh and blood for some red guy with a tail.
01:02:03Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:02:04That's where you go easy.
01:02:05You worship a fucking Halloween costume.
01:02:07Yeah.
01:02:08Shut up!
01:02:10And you drag Mom down with you.
01:02:12Look at her.
01:02:13Does she look okay to you?
01:02:16I'm not the embarrassment.
01:02:19How very sweet.
01:02:22I wish we had more time for such touching family reunions.
01:02:26But, alas, we do not.
01:02:29Get them ready.
01:02:31Everything's gonna be okay now.
01:02:37Real nice.
01:02:56Real fucking nice.
01:02:59Your own son.
01:03:01You're gutless.
01:03:07What else?
01:03:08What else?
01:03:09What else?
01:03:13You don't have to lie.
01:03:14Neil?
01:03:15Come on Neil.
01:03:17Don't talk to me.
01:03:21Good.
01:03:22I cried.
01:03:36What?
01:03:41I cried.
01:03:43What are you saying?
01:03:44What do you mean you cried?
01:03:45What are you talking about?
01:03:46I lost my virginity to a prostitute tonight and I cried.
01:03:50Yeah.
01:03:55Alright?
01:03:58I don't know what happened, man.
01:04:00I just lost it.
01:04:02I mean, I had it, but then, I don't know, something just snapped and I just...
01:04:09Well, at least it didn't come on her leg.
01:04:11Right?
01:04:12Right on the leg?
01:04:13Leg, the seat...
01:04:15Fucking embarrassing.
01:04:18Come here.
01:04:19Come here.
01:04:20Come here.
01:04:21I'm sorry, dude.
01:04:22Come here, dude.
01:04:23I'm sorry, man.
01:04:24This whole fucking...
01:04:25No, no, no.
01:04:26Fucked up, dude.
01:04:27This is nice.
01:04:31I needed this.
01:04:33What was that, buddy?
01:04:34Wait.
01:04:35There still might be a way out of this.
01:04:36No, Loretta.
01:04:37No, no, no.
01:04:38Stop.
01:04:39Stop being so at peace with everything, man, okay?
01:04:40Just listen to me here.
01:04:41Hear me out, okay?
01:04:42I'm not gonna give up on you.
01:04:43When does a guy's virginity really end, right?
01:04:44It's when he penetrates something with his erect penis.
01:04:46Right.
01:04:47Who says it has to be a vagina?
01:04:48Oh, God.
01:04:49No, no, no.
01:04:50No, no, no.
01:04:51I'm telling you, dude, if it's going to save your life...
01:04:53You got to do me.
01:04:54I can't.
01:04:55I can't.
01:04:56I can't.
01:04:57I can't.
01:04:58I can't.
01:04:59No, no, no.
01:05:00I can't.
01:05:01Stop being so at peace with everything, man, okay?
01:05:02Just listen to me here.
01:05:03Hear me out, okay?
01:05:04I, I...
01:05:05I'm not gonna give up on you.
01:05:06When does a guy's virginity really end, right?
01:05:07It's when...
01:05:08He penetrates something with his erect penis.
01:05:10Right.
01:05:11life. You gotta do me. I can't. I... You have to. Are you saying you couldn't fuck your best friend
01:05:19to save your own life? Is that what you're saying? I'm just not sure the equipment would work. Hey,
01:05:23don't be mean right now, okay? Just at least an eight. Even if you were a ten. I'm just saying,
01:05:28how hard could it be? Give me a sec. Okay. Just, yeah, just think.
01:05:41Okay, I'll try. What? I mean, really? Yeah, really. I mean, I want to live, right? Yeah,
01:05:46I want you to live, man. Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? What was that? Sorry, I thought maybe...
01:05:55No extras, man. No time. No time for extras. Let's just... We just gotta... We just gotta go.
01:05:59How do we start? Uh, uh, I don't know. Come here. Just, uh, just... All right. You know.
01:06:11Oh, fuck. Yep. Oh, my God. Yep. You're my best friend. I am. You're my best friend. Best friend.
01:06:23So what are we gonna do with Art? You stay here and watch her.
01:06:27Well, but no. I want to watch the sacrifice. You said... That's enough, Bradley.
01:06:30Oh, my God. He talks to you like you're a child. I am not allowed to talk to you anymore.
01:06:40Come on, Brad. You're this smart, sexy guy. I mean, with your arms and abs, his chest. I mean,
01:06:52girls must be hitting on you all the time.
01:06:56It is hard to find single women in this church.
01:06:59Well, as a single woman, how would I go about becoming part of the church?
01:07:05You've gotta renounce God, get a tattoo, take a whiz and a Bible. It's a whole thing.
01:07:12You know, if you really want to go out there, you should just go.
01:07:14Well, yeah, I know. Except I can't, because I have to stay here and babysit you.
01:07:21I think I'll be fine.
01:07:35What's going on back there?
01:07:36I'm not hard.
01:07:37Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not gonna blow you, dude.
01:07:40I didn't ask you to blow me, Matt.
01:07:42I know. It's just, just get it in, you know?
01:07:44Oh, God.
01:07:45No.
01:07:47Shit.
01:07:47Break it up.
01:07:48Hi, Dad.
01:07:50It's time.
01:07:54Hey, there's no judging.
01:07:56Fuck a lady prostitute.
01:07:58A lady prostitute. And she was hot.
01:08:00Two hours ago, real hot.
01:08:02You want to get to him, you gotta go through me.
01:08:05Oh.
01:08:07All right.
01:08:07Whoa, kneel. It's all good, man.
01:08:12Kneel.
01:08:13Kneel.
01:08:17I'm right here, man.
01:08:19I'm right beside you.
01:08:20Phenomenes Satanus.
01:08:23Phenomenes Satanus.
01:08:26Phenomenes Satanus.
01:08:29Satanus Rex.
01:08:32Satanus Rex.
01:08:34I invoke his power by these names.
01:08:38Belial.
01:08:41Baphomet.
01:08:43Beelzebub.
01:08:45Lucifer.
01:08:47Awful monster.
01:08:49Skip the names.
01:08:51What are you talking about?
01:08:52We can't skip the names.
01:08:53It's almost sunrise.
01:08:55You know what time it is.
01:08:56I've got a bloody watch, you know.
01:08:58Then you know it's time to get on with it.
01:09:00You can do better.
01:09:01Whatever you do at that.
01:09:02Go on, here.
01:09:02Take the mic.
01:09:03No, no, no.
01:09:04Take the book.
01:09:04Take my robe.
01:09:05I'm so sorry for this interruption.
01:09:08No one cares about the names, for fuck's sake.
01:09:11All right.
01:09:11All right.
01:09:15Enomines.
01:09:17Enomines.
01:09:17Lord.
01:09:18Lord, we offer this virgin flesh unto you, that you may draw strength from the blood of
01:09:26innocents.
01:09:29For the glory of your kingdom.
01:09:33I see his face in the veins.
01:09:57Enomines.
01:10:00Enomines.
01:10:01Done.
01:10:02Jared.
01:10:03Oh, Satan burned my hand.
01:10:05No, the curtains were on fire.
01:10:07Oh, my God.
01:10:09Oh, my God.
01:10:10Oh, my God.
01:10:12Children.
01:10:16Back.
01:10:17Back.
01:10:18Ah.
01:10:18Ah!
01:10:32Ah!
01:10:37Ah!
01:10:38Ah!
01:10:40Yahoo!
01:10:48Oh, my God.
01:11:03Oh, my God.
01:11:06Oh, my God.
01:11:18All right, is this your card?
01:11:38No.
01:11:40Do I check my bra now?
01:11:42No, I can check for you.
01:11:45What?
01:11:47Oh, my God, that's amazing.
01:11:49It'll make you an all-powerful video game god.
01:11:52I've been looking for this online for, like, months.
01:11:54How'd you find it?
01:11:56One of my birthday party clients hooked it up.
01:11:58I did an extra hour for his five-year-old.
01:12:00Awesome.
01:12:01Magic.
01:12:10You missed a wonderful service.
01:12:12We're good, Mom.
01:12:14Honey, just remember...
01:12:17Jesus loves you.
01:12:19He died for your sins.
01:12:25Give me the keys.
01:12:26I'm gonna drive.
01:12:33Matt?
01:12:34Guys.
01:12:35Oh, Shelly.
01:12:36Looking beautiful as always.
01:12:38You're so sweet, Matt.
01:12:41We're gonna grab some vegan, hit the go-kart track.
01:12:44Cool, cool.
01:12:45I mean, I tell you to come along.
01:12:47No, no, no, no.
01:12:48I'm fine.
01:12:49I've got my Bible study.
01:12:52Catch you guys later.
01:12:53All right.
01:12:54All right.
01:12:55All right.
01:12:56All right.
01:12:57All you ate?
01:12:58Are you one crepe?
01:12:59You're ridiculous.
01:13:00Ridiculous.
01:13:01Ridiculous.
01:13:02Could you put on that Christian rock station?
01:13:03Sure.
01:13:04It's just a typical Ocknell song.
01:13:05It's just a typical Ocknell song.
01:13:06It's just a typical Ocknell song about love.
01:13:10You love.
01:13:11It's just a typical Ocknell song.
01:13:12It's just a typical Ocknell song about love.
01:13:13You love.
01:13:14It's just a typical Ocknell song.
01:13:15It's just a typical Ocknell song about love.
01:13:16You love.
01:13:17It's just a typical Ocknell song.
01:13:18It's just a typical Ocknell song about love.
01:13:19You love.
01:13:20It's just a typical Ocknell song.
01:13:21It's just a typical Ocknell song about love.
01:13:22You love.
01:13:23It's just a typical Ocknell song.
01:13:24It's just a typical Ocknell song about love.
01:13:25You love.
01:13:26It's just a typical Ocknell song.
01:13:27It's just a typical Ocknell song about love.
01:13:28You love.
01:13:29Pussy.
01:13:30Pussy.
01:13:31It makes the world go round.
01:13:32Pussy makes the world go round.
01:13:33Go round, pussy, it makes the world go round
01:14:03Round, round, pussy, it makes the world go
01:14:06Pussy, it makes the world go round, round
01:14:09Pussy, it makes the world go round, round
01:14:14Pussy, it makes the world go
01:14:16Pussy, it makes the world go
01:14:17I'm no mad guys who's in love with their wives
01:14:21Call them pussy cats cause they survive
01:14:23Getting stabbed with a rap, nine nods
01:14:25From all nine wives, one to five guys
01:14:27Line between their sides, you realize
01:14:29This motherfucker ain't Chinese
01:14:30Sprint in his eyes when he talk as if he was Chinese
01:14:33I just became a silly furry like Guyanese
01:14:35Until one day, niggas found a way
01:14:37This is me, sweet, she came upstairs, bitchin'
01:14:39Who listen, niggas in front of the building
01:14:42With straight pissin', throwin' hints
01:14:43When I'm walkin' by, blowin' kissin'
01:14:45He was like, what?
01:14:46Shit, strip the riffin', get the stripin' wessin'
01:14:49Add the clippin', went outside, started spittin'
01:14:51He been hittin', motherfuckers
01:14:53Who was down with him? Blood everywhere
01:14:55Till his name, niggas on his team still compare
01:14:57In the Vaseline, don't they put him in the tent's appear
01:15:00Yo, buck, buck, buck, pull his bloody ass up
01:15:02That's run on the scene, police, sirene slashed up
01:15:05The agenda, make him for rent and start baggin' him up
01:15:07Buddy vision, livin' in prison, started grabbin' his nuts
01:15:10Told the cops, it's his dick, that they all suck
01:15:12He started backin' him up
01:15:13Wavin' his gap, like he coppin' him up
01:15:16That's when 2D's came from behind trees
01:15:18On threes and dropped that
01:15:20Instead, he reloaded and cocked back
01:15:21He said, fuck, snap, turn his hat
01:15:23From the front to his back
01:15:24Played his index, snipe, windex, and squeeze on the gap
01:15:27Immediately, he started stumblin' back
01:15:29Cause the SWAT team repeatedly laid his axe flat
01:15:32As he laid on his back
01:15:33His girl rushed to his side
01:15:34Picked him up off the floor
01:15:36Put him on her lap
01:15:37Got blood on her dress
01:15:38From the open flesh
01:15:39Got the bullet wounds left
01:15:40In his chest, cardiac arrest
01:15:42She said, pa, pa, don't go
01:15:43What about little Kadar?
01:15:45As she stressed him out on the car
01:15:47Tryin' to give him out the mouth CPR
01:15:49But babe, pa, still on stiff
01:15:51She grabbed his hand
01:15:52And placed him by her heart
01:15:53On top of her breath
01:15:54Where he thought
01:15:54This was for the love of her sex
01:15:56This was for the love of her sex
01:15:58Sex, sex, sex
01:15:59Just was for the love of her sex
01:16:01This was for the love of her sex
01:16:03Don't lie, don't lie
01:16:33Don't lie, don't lie
01:17:03We're not gonna feel, no
01:17:06We're not gonna feel this alone
01:17:09You and I, you and I
01:17:12Making the ground shake, baby
01:17:15Ground shake, baby
01:17:17You and I, you and I
01:17:19Making the ground shake, baby
01:17:23Ground shake, baby
01:17:24We just wanna lose control
01:17:27We just wanna lose
01:17:28We just wanna lose control
01:17:31You and I, you and I
01:17:34Making the ground shake, baby
01:17:37Ground shake, baby
01:17:39This oxygen got you feeling like you're breathing the wind
01:17:43Put on my mic, jacket, sippin' song
01:17:46Let's move, walk, walk, walk
01:17:48We're bad, baby
01:17:49You're not alone, baby
01:17:51Grab your drinks and let's go
01:17:53Hands up and forget
01:17:55We're not gonna feel, no
01:17:58Not gonna feel this alone
01:18:00Hands up and forget
01:18:02We're not gonna feel, no
01:18:05Not gonna feel this alone
01:18:08You and I, you and I
01:18:11Making the ground shake, baby
01:18:14Ground shake, baby
01:18:16You and I, you and I
01:18:18Making the ground shake, baby
01:18:22Ground shake, baby
01:18:23We just wanna lose control
01:18:25We just wanna lose
01:18:27We just wanna lose control
01:18:30You and I, you and I
01:18:33Making the ground shake, baby
01:18:36Ground shake, baby
01:18:38Your heart's got me feeling so good inside
01:18:44So good inside
01:18:46Your heart's got you feeling so good inside
01:18:51So good inside
01:18:52So good inside
01:18:57Your heart's got me feeling so good inside
01:19:00So good inside
01:19:01My heart's got you feeling so good inside
01:19:03So good inside, so good, so good, so good
01:19:09You and I, you and I
01:19:21Making the ground sick, baby
01:19:24Down sick, baby
01:19:26You and I, you and I
01:19:29Making the ground sick, baby
01:19:32We just wanna lose control
01:19:36We just wanna lose, we just wanna lose control
01:19:40You and I, you and I
01:19:43Making the ground sick, baby
01:19:47Ground sick, baby
01:19:49Making the ground sick, baby
01:19:54Ground sick, baby
01:19:56Baby, baby
01:19:59Ground sick, baby
01:20:01Ground sick, baby
01:20:03Yes,sika'
01:20:07Back home
01:20:08Anytime
01:20:09I didn't know
01:20:11That grazie
01:20:13I did my grand sick, baby
01:20:14Good
01:20:15Rod
01:20:16I gotta lose control
01:20:17If you're too slow
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