Malcolm In The Middle Season 2 Episode 13 New Neighbors
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00:00He used the exact same brand of pen as the teacher to change his grade.
00:04Look at that. He gave himself a C in math and 7A+.
00:08Man, subtle. Nice attention to detail.
00:11He's really learning.
00:13Two months grounded?
00:14Three months scrubbing toilets.
00:30You're not the boss of me now.
00:33You're not the boss of me now.
00:35And you're not so big.
00:38You're not the boss of me now.
00:41You're not the boss of me now.
00:44You're not the boss of me now.
00:47And you're not so big.
00:51Life is unfair.
01:00Feet!
01:02Hey!
01:04Ow!
01:05My family!
01:06Mine now!
01:07Moving van!
01:08We've got a moving van next door!
01:17Ooh, espresso maker.
01:19Another couch.
01:21I'm thinking upscale professional?
01:23Well, if they're living here, they haven't managed their money very well.
01:26Families keep moving in and out of that house.
01:29I wonder why.
01:59Hey!
02:06Maybe the house is haunted.
02:08Tablesaw!
02:09No, Hal.
02:10No borrowing.
02:11We have a clean slate with these people.
02:13We're going to behave.
02:14I want to have one person on this earth who can pick up the mail.
02:18Your mother's right.
02:19It doesn't hurt to have allies on the block.
02:22Especially allies with the pool.
02:25We just gotta make sure we get to them before the reeds can poison them against us.
02:29Or the McCartys.
02:31Or the Whitfords.
02:33We definitely need to get to them before the Whitfords.
02:35I see Mrs. Schneider circling.
02:36Go!
02:37Go!
02:38Go!
02:39Go!
02:40Go!
02:41Go!
02:42Go!
02:43Go!
02:44Go!
02:45Go!
02:46Go!
02:47Go!
02:48Go!
02:49Go!
02:50Go!
02:51Go!
02:52Go!
02:53Go!
02:54When you men are done here, I expect to see each and every one of you on the parade ground
02:59practicing your close order drill.
03:00you're practicing your close order drill but sir we just did close order drill is that what that
03:06was it looked like physical therapy in a head trauma ward sir we've been cleaning and drilling
03:13for 36 hours i think by law we're supposed to be allowed to sleep why are we doing this
03:20well this was supposed to be a surprise but i can no longer contain my excitement
03:26marlin academy is about to be visited by one of the last living heroes gentlemen lieutenant colonel
03:37oliver north united states marine corps retired is coming here to give you a motivational speech
03:45sir isn't he a convicted felon that conviction was overturned so was mine but i'm still stuck here
03:53well if you had a bronze star a silver star two purple hearts and a nationally syndicated radio
04:04call-in show then maybe you could have had a deal but since you don't you can shut your pie hole
04:12this is nice tina you didn't have to barbecue well you're the first neighbors to come by and say
04:26hello well that's not surprising you know i don't want to speak ill of anybody and i won't say who but
04:32some of our neighbors are prone to paranoid fantasies oh yeah don't get me started on the
04:38stories how yeah so what's that or do around here well there's a pothole we like to jump with our bikes they filled it
04:49there's a dead squirrel we like to poke on that should be good for a few more days
04:56and there's always the dried up creek in the flooded park boy if it wasn't for that squirrel my life would be really pathetic
05:07wait wait wait wait you only flip them once i feel every patty has a moment
05:16see i always rush it factor in the fat content hal
05:24do you have a good doctor why is something wrong well neck pain or back pain whatever i'll get him to write
05:33the prescription no i'm sorry my doctor's honest too bad i'll let you know if i find one
05:43i wouldn't stare at him like that get angry no he won't he's friendly tell that to the kid he ate
06:03what kid that's why we had to move didn't you read about it in the newspaper no just as well
06:10pictures were really gruesome
06:13i did it i did it see i told you you could
06:23hey uh can i have another burger malcolm spit on mine
06:28what welcome why would you do such a thing
06:31but i didn't do it here here here here there no eat it
06:37why are you staring at me what do you want a chip
06:48ow cut it out ow what are you doing stop it
06:55i think there are some briquettes in one of these boxes
07:03is this heaven wow look at this collection
07:22oh doobie brothers king crimson cheap trick hello you like vinyl oh yeah check this out
07:33is that a sharon dwarf 1280 turntable 1290
07:51why did you say i spit on your burger don't worry about it you want to see something funny
08:00hey quit staring at my mom's chest
08:03what i'm not
08:05malcolm knock it off
08:07but i i wasn't
08:09ow get away from me
08:10ow get away from me
08:13uh your donor is biting my son
08:16i mean they're just laying
08:18ow it hurts
08:19it hurts
08:20mommy
08:21now honey if you want to breathe you're gonna have to open your mouth and let go on my son
08:32what are you doing
08:35it's just a little trick i picked up
08:37how dare you touch my daughter
08:40she was gnawing on my son if you're not gonna control her
08:44are you questioning my parenting
08:46i don't know i haven't seen it yet
08:49oh nice this from a woman raising a pervert
08:52where is he supposed to look he got him laid out like a couple of eggs on a plate
08:56i wasn't
08:57emily josh
08:59i don't want you playing with these awful children anymore
09:02hey my
09:03well they may be awful but they're a hell of a lot better than your two brats
09:08Cherokee people
09:28Cherokee time
09:32Cherokee time
09:34Cherokee people
09:36Cherokee people
09:38Cherokee people
09:43a little help
09:49this is nice
09:51yeah
09:52you know you may not believe this but you're the first neighbor friend i've ever had
09:57no way
09:58yeah
09:59in fact you're the first guy who's ever been back here didn't work for the power company
10:02actually i have a confession to make
10:05I don't have many male friends myself.
10:10To friendship.
10:11To friendship.
10:20I'm straight.
10:21Me too.
10:23Malcolm, what's going on?
10:25Get away, I'm not talking to you.
10:28Why? What'd I do?
10:29You keep telling lies about me.
10:31Well, come on, man, it's just a joke.
10:34I didn't know you were so sensitive.
10:37Excuse me, my friend here thinks you're really pretty.
10:40No, I don't. I mean...
10:41Come on, Malcolm, just tell her.
10:43Okay, maybe then you'll stop following her around everywhere.
10:46I am telling you, it is not healthy.
10:54Your mom doesn't stay away from me!
10:56Damn it!
11:05Damn it!
11:06Hector, not over there!
11:08Are you deaf or stupid or both?
11:12Could you please try to be a little less useless?
11:16Where is the sun?
11:18Do you see the sun?
11:20I told you to dig the holes over there!
11:24El Sol!
11:26God, you people drive me nuts with your laziness!
11:29What is the matter with you?
11:33Excuse me?
11:34You can't talk to him like that!
11:37He's a human being.
11:39You talk to him like he's some kind of animal.
11:40I will deal with the help the way I want to.
11:46He is not the help!
11:49He's not a servant or a slave.
11:52He's a professional!
11:54He's a person with a skill, a skill you do not have,
11:58which is why you hired him!
12:01Now, for God's sake, just pick it up!
12:04Who does that woman think she is?
12:20Suddenly, fake boobs and $50 highlights
12:22allow you to treat other people like dirt?
12:25I'll tell you how.
12:26They are officially the worst neighbors we've ever had!
12:30Worst neighbors?
12:31Honey, that's not really fair to Mike.
12:35Remember those 70-year-old swingers?
12:37Dad, they're horrible!
12:39Look at what their little piranha did to me!
12:42Every time I go outside, Emily's there!
12:46Lying in wait!
12:47Yeah, and that kid Josh keeps making up
12:50all these weird lies about me!
12:52He told the whole school
12:53that I was born with both sex organs
12:55and raised as a girl until I was five!
12:58Their gnome wants to beat me!
13:01It's evil!
13:02They're all evil, sweetie!
13:05I think the word everyone is tiptoeing around
13:08is feud!
13:10That's a bit drastic, Reese!
13:13No, Dad!
13:14A feud is just what this family needs!
13:16Having a common enemy will hone our skills
13:19and unite us in a brotherhood of blood!
13:22Look, all I'm saying is that
13:24before we judge them,
13:26maybe we should take a long, hard look
13:28at ourselves.
13:34Oh, never mind.
13:36No, no, no!
13:49Do you think Colonel North is going to be impressed
14:08by such a sloppy group of cadets?
14:12Now, we are going to do this
14:14and keep doing it until you get it right!
14:19All right, now, once more.
14:22With feeling.
14:23And...
14:25Candyman!
14:29Hey!
14:30Candyman!
14:34Who can take a sunrise?
14:39Sprinkle it with two!
14:43Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two!
14:47Candy man, the candy man can, the candy man can, cause he mixes it with love that makes the world taste good.
15:04Oh, the candy man makes everything he bakes, satisfying and delicious.
15:13You can even eat the dishes.
15:32She's out there.
15:34Who?
15:35Emily, the demon child.
15:39She's everywhere.
15:40No matter where I go or what I do, she's there.
15:46I'm going crazy.
15:48Aren't you the one who wanted a feud?
15:50Malcolm, you know I don't think things through.
15:54How am I supposed to fight her?
15:56I can't hit her.
15:58I can't do anything to her, and she knows it.
16:02I'm completely defenseless.
16:04Reese, she's four.
16:06You're bigger and smarter than...
16:07Well, you're bigger.
16:10Malcolm, would you come out here, please?
16:15Malcolm, these people would like a word with you.
16:18We've had a report that you've been seen prowling in the neighbors' yards and peeking in their windows.
16:35What?
16:36So you've decided to become a peeping Tom?
16:40A peeping Tom?
16:42But I didn't do it.
16:44Why would I want to look in anybody's windows?
16:45Have you seen the people in this neighborhood?
16:48Peeping isn't about looks, son.
16:50It's about the thrill and exhilaration of observing someone without their knowledge.
16:55What?
17:00Thanks, Dennis.
17:01What?
17:02Oh, he's...
17:03Oh, my God.
17:06Oh, my God.
17:09Oh, yeah.
17:12Oh, my God.
17:17Oh, my God.
17:25Do you still have to go to Dayton?
17:27Yeah.
17:29But it's only a couple days.
17:32How was your presentation?
17:34Oh, great. Your joke killed.
17:39You look at us.
17:41We've been reduced to sneaking around at night.
17:44A man should be able to talk to his best friend in daylight.
17:48Did you say best?
17:50I should go.
18:17This has been going on for days.
18:20I can't believe everybody fell for Josh's stupid lie.
18:24Maybe if I just ignore it for a while, it'll go away.
18:28People have short memories, right?
18:30Late at night when you're sleeping
18:35That's when Malcolm comes a-peeping
18:39You better watch out, you better beware
18:43Or Malcolm will see your underwear
18:47What are you doing? Where did you learn that?
18:50At school.
18:51One, two, three, four, Malcolm's at your bedroom door
18:56Five, six, seven, eight...
18:58Oh my God!
19:02What are you doing?
19:07These are our hedges!
19:11This is the property line!
19:14The property line! The property line!
19:18You can't cross the property line!
19:22I can see you!
19:23Don't think you can hide from me!
19:25Why don't you come out here and apologize to me like an adult?
19:28Whoo!
19:29Oh!
19:30That's real mature!
19:35I don't think you can get rid of me so easy!
19:40Fine!
19:50That's the way you want it to be?
19:53You'll get these back when you fix my hedges!
19:57What's going on? We're in our bed for an addition of Candyman!
20:19Where's Spangler?
20:20He says he's not ready!
20:21What's he trying to do? Make a fashionable entrance?
20:23North's been waiting for dinner for 45 minutes!
20:27He's gonna fill up on cheese and crackers!
20:35Huh?
20:36Are you alright, sir?
20:39I am a little under the weather.
20:43You're drunk, sir.
20:44Well, that could be why.
20:48I was a tad nervous about Colonel North's visit.
20:52I thought that a little nip of something might help.
20:56That and seven or eight belts of sketch.
20:59Let's get you dressed.
21:02And attached.
21:05The man is a national hero.
21:09He has done so many things.
21:12And I have done so little.
21:14I don't deserve to breathe the same air as that great man.
21:19Don't talk like that, sir.
21:21No!
21:23I'm a worm!
21:25Cadet, I'm a worm!
21:28I belong on the floor with the other worms.
21:31Sir, get up!
21:35Sir, please stop wriggling!
21:37Sir?
21:38Look, we just sneak over the fence, plant the stolen goods under Josh's window, and make an anonymous phone call to the police from Stevie's house.
21:52Yeah, I know it's stupid, but I'm too desperate to care.
21:56Are you sure this is going to work?
21:59If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't clear your own name.
22:03You can only ruin someone else's.
22:05Yeah, but...
22:06I thought of everything.
22:07Everyone's going to think Josh is a thief.
22:10His parents are going to be tied up in court, and Emily's going to be thrown into a foster home,
22:15where she'll bite her foster parents, who will then leave at her rest stop somewhere,
22:19and she can spend the rest of her life biting hillbillies on the near-estate.
22:24Okay.
22:36My god, your people are handsome.
22:48AHHHHH!
22:50Just fail!
22:53AHHHHH!
22:57AHHHHH!
22:59AHHHHH!
23:01AHHHHH!
23:02You little monsters!
23:03AHHHHH!
23:05AHHHHH!
23:06AHHHHH!
23:07AHHHHH!
23:13He's teaching me to swim!
23:18I can't believe, after all he put us through, Spangler ends up getting drunk and standing up the colonel.
23:24Yeah, that was creepy, the way he was wriggling around on the floor like that, calling for his mother.
23:29I'll go check on it.
23:30I'll go check on it.
23:35Sir?
23:36Who's there?
23:38Um, just me, sir.
23:44What time is it?
23:46Colonel North should be here any minute.
23:49It's morning, sir.
23:51You already missed Reveille.
23:52Oh, my God.
23:54Oh, my God.
23:58Oh, my God.
24:02The one chance I had to be face to face with my hero when I slept through his visit.
24:09Slept through his visit?
24:13Slept through his visit, sir.
24:15You guys were up all night talking.
24:18We did?
24:20Yeah, you really hit it off.
24:22He told you to call him Ollie.
24:24Really?
24:26Don't you remember?
24:27You two were joking and laughing like old friends?
24:31And drinking scotch?
24:32Lots and lots of scotch.
24:36Yes, we did, didn't we?
24:39If I may say so, sir, you were the happiest I have ever seen you.
24:43Well, you may.
24:44You may.
24:46You may.
24:48Now, if you will excuse me, I have to get myself ready.
24:56Dude.
24:58That was classy.
25:00Thanks.
25:02So when do we get back the pictures of him in the negligee?
25:05Wednesday. Poster size takes two days.
25:09Hey, I'm really sorry about you and Tina.
25:15What's this?
25:17A mixtape.
25:37Hey!
25:39Hi, neighbor.
25:41Steve Jenkins.
25:43Sorry, Steve.
25:45It's just too soon for me.
26:12We could do it.
26:13We could do it.
26:14I can't wait for you to escape you.
26:15I can't wait for you to escape you.
26:16I'm with you.
26:18All right.
26:20Now, let's have a bow.
26:22I'll show you what I can see.
26:24Let's have a bow.
26:26Take this.
26:28You can see.
26:29I'm with you.
26:31You can see.
26:33Go, be.
26:35I can't wait for you.
26:37I can see you.