00:00Why is it hard to be a trans woman in Puerto Rico?
00:07A plethora of reasons.
00:14You know, you have people that are so concerned with what's in between your legs.
00:19That are so concerned with you looking different.
00:26They can't even listen to your voice.
00:28They can't even listen to your heartbeats.
00:31And they forget that you are a human being.
00:33You're dehumanized. Completely.
00:39It is f***ed up. It's not fair.
00:44And I'm doing the best I can to at least survive.
00:49And help others speak that truth.
00:52While enjoying their lives.
00:54While knowing that they're so beautiful.
00:59For Brut, I'm taking you to meet the trans youth of Puerto Rico.
01:02Here, the trans community faces discrimination and violence.
01:07So these 11 women and non-binary people of color have created their own safe space.
01:12And it's called House of Grace.
01:23So houses are these structures that are formed because a lot of times
01:31trans people and queer people don't have a family to go to
01:36because they are abandoned by their biological families.
01:45Most of the girls are in their early 20s.
01:50In many ways, these young people that have not been affirmed in their transness
01:58seek mother figures or parental figures to affirm them.
02:04My role as a mother has to do with being very affirming.
02:10Me being like, yes, you are trans.
02:12Yes, you are feminine.
02:14And yes, you are beautiful.
02:17Mama!
02:21A lot of people only need to hear that someone believes in them.
02:36I traveled to Puerto Rico to meet Maria Jose and the other members of the house
02:40as they were filming the video for her latest single, Casa Blanca.
02:44The song rejects a broken system that failed to protect or provide for them.
02:49So I start inviting people to the house really through intuition.
02:56I was seeking people that were talented, that were creative,
03:02and that had what I call a heart of gold.
03:15Since I was a kid, I've always drawn feminine figures.
03:20And my father, he had a concern with that when I was a kid.
03:29He wanted me to draw more masculine characters.
03:35That's so ridiculous, right? It's like, why?
03:39People are so obsessed with their kids being cisgender.
03:45I grew up with three older sisters than me.
03:49And I was always waiting for them to be at school or to be at church
03:55to try their clothes on.
03:58Something I've done from almost six, I believe.
04:03I attempted suicide at eight years old.
04:06And the reason I attempted suicide, it was because of the constant bullying at school.
04:12And not only at school, but also the way that my family developed my spirituality
04:19was like really going three times a week to church to listen that I was going to hell.
04:25But I've healed a lot. I still have a lot to heal.
04:29My bio mom does not know I'm a girl, but my other mom does.
04:35I'm half there, you know.
04:38Maria gave me this, though.
04:42I feel like I'm Miss Universe with this.
04:46Miss Puerto Rico! And there goes me.
04:51I thought that I was a creep, that nobody was like me, you know.
04:56Maybe, just maybe, if I had seen House of Grace at that time,
05:04I would have made another decision.
05:14So ever since I was 17, I have been kind of by myself.
05:23My family is not very supportive.
05:27Teenagers should enjoy their teenage years.
05:30And that's a very formative period of time.
05:34So it was difficult.
05:36But I think that I took accountability and responsibility for myself
05:40ever since I was a little girl.
05:42And I just started...
05:47They're asking if I'm a girl or a boy.
05:51I'm neither.
05:56They are asking, they're like, oh, he's a boy, is she a girl?
06:00And one of the girls is saying, she's a girl.
06:03Yes, girl, I'm a girl.
06:08I love, I love.
06:10But yeah, you know, I think that I make it work,
06:13because there's no other option.
06:17I haven't been alone, though.
06:19I think that I made space in my life for a true family,
06:24for people that really loved me, embraced me, and honored who I am.
06:34This is kind of like a gallery, which I love.
06:37I love graffiti.
06:39And I think that's really cute.
06:41Like, look at the little hearts.
06:44F*** man, yes.
06:47Hi!
06:56All of us, I think, when we met,
06:59we're sort of in processes of discovery and getting to know ourselves.
07:04We listen to each other as best as we can, in the ways that we can.
07:09And also explore humanity.
07:12And we knew that it was safe.
07:14We knew that it was okay.
07:16We knew that we weren't going to be judged,
07:19and that we were going to be celebrated in those processes,
07:23wherever that we might be.
07:25I feel like they are sort of soulmates.
07:30So it just feels like to be around them.
07:33I've managed to be 22 in my own special way.
07:36I've had my fun. I am a fun girl.
08:04Me and Barbie.
08:07Interesting.
08:09Okay.
08:14So, I'm going to tell the story because, you know,
08:18I was like 15.
08:22Barbie was hanging out in La Yalda in Caguas.
08:26It was like a club.
08:29Ah!
08:31Oh my God.
08:37I mean, I was not trying to be a blonde.
08:40I was f***ing like her.
08:47It was kind of a role model.
08:50And I was something, you know, very unique.
08:54I didn't know that I was trans.
08:59I feel like I'm like a rainbow.
09:04I'm like, you know, a rainbow.
09:07Full of colors.
09:09I can feel like very different every day.
09:12And you know what is crazy?
09:15That I always be feeling like this.
09:18And I start, you know, my transition physically
09:22when I met the house.
09:24And I start getting my ornaments.
09:27I'm getting my hormone therapy.
09:29The thing that was new, it was, you know,
09:32that I can, you know, make my body look softer.
09:36My body and my mind is connected now.
09:53I mean, I feel like it was about to kill me.
09:58In my neck, I was like...
10:00I was pushing that guy.
10:03Sex work has served me like a minefield.
10:10Because if you do one step wrong,
10:18everything explodes.
10:20And you can get in so much trouble.
10:22Exactly. And I feel like,
10:24I feel like, I'm going to tell you honestly,
10:26I'm going to tell you like a sister.
10:29This is not the place.
10:32No for us.
10:34And not, like, girls like us.
10:39I remember this a lot.
10:42Look, you don't know how many times they came.
10:46I love you. I love you so much, my love.
10:50You're always so pretty.
10:54This past year has been one of the most dangerous in the US,
10:57with at least 44 trans people killed.
10:59On the island, there was a series of extremely violent crimes
11:02against trans people, including the recent murder
11:05of a trans woman after she used the women's bathroom
11:08at a fast food restaurant.
11:13I've never felt completely safe
11:16walking long distances at night,
11:19but I have to do it.
11:21I don't have another option. I don't have a car.
11:24The minimum wage in Puerto Rico, it's $7.25.
11:28Because I have to pay rent and food,
11:31and because I have to live,
11:33I have to go through that, like, daily.
11:36And it's really, really draining.
11:42What is it?
11:43It's a taser that House of Grace got me.
11:47Of course, it's nothing against a gang
11:51or a group of people, but something.
11:58Did you ever use it?
12:00I've never used it before.
12:02And honestly, I hope I don't have to use it,
12:05because I, like, I'm such a softie, you know,
12:09when it comes to, like, violence and all of that.
12:12It's not my thing.
12:14So hopefully I will never have to use it.
12:17But if I ever have to use it, I have it.
12:28Well, primordially, we're like a group of people
12:31that keeps up with each other.
12:33You know, there's both an emotional and a material need
12:38that many of these kids have.
12:41You know, whether it was having people stay in my apartment,
12:47buying them food, giving them clothes,
12:52makeup, money, if they needed it.
12:56My house, I really want it to be a space
13:00where black people and where trans people
13:05can feel like they're resting,
13:09like they're away from the violence
13:12that they go through day to day.
13:20I'm so grateful for spaces like this and also House of Grace.
13:24And it makes me hopeful for the future,
13:27because I know that in Puerto Rico,
13:30there is, you know, spaces being created by us
13:34for, you know, us to be.
13:37To choose hope, to choose love, to choose art,
13:42to choose to move forward,
13:45is already massive work.
13:53I'm not claiming that my body is the most transgressive,
13:57but it is transgressive enough to, like,
14:01catch people's attention and make me feel gave up.
14:06I can't feel like a stranger
14:09if I'm around people that scrutinize my body.
14:12Which I love.
14:15Which I love.
14:18But it's a complicated love.
14:21I do like being private, you know,
14:24but I wonder, you know, how much of that desire for privacy
14:28has to do with having been hurt by others.
14:32It's kind of really like a, you know,
14:35I'm sheltering my...
14:38Oh!
14:41The girls jumped!
14:56What being feminine meant in the 80s
14:59is different to what being feminine meant in the 2000s,
15:03and it's definitely different from what it means in 2020.
15:08Let's see my hormones.
15:11Every day?
15:14Um...
15:16Confrontations or hormones?
15:18Both. Yes, every day.
15:21LAUGHTER
15:24I've been growing out my facial hair for the Casablanca music video,
15:30cos I do say in the song, like, that I'm a hairy girl.
15:36I'm excited to be done with that
15:39so I can go back to not having any facial hair.
15:44Everything for the aesthetic.
15:49You can have facial hair, a moustache, a beard,
15:55and still be very feminine.
15:57You can be a hairy femme queen.
15:59I'm currently a hairy femme queen.
16:01And a lot of people think that trans people's ultimate goal
16:06is to pass, to pass unnoticed in society.
16:12That if you're a trans woman, you can walk anywhere
16:15and no-one's going to doubt your womanhood because you pass.
16:19To say no to that, to say,
16:21no, I get to choose my own path
16:25and I get to present in the ways that feel comfortable
16:30and possible to me at this moment,
16:34I think that is absolutely transgressive
16:37because we're not doing this to be digestible.
16:42I love the girls, all kinds of girls.
16:44Not just girls with vaginas, also girls with penises.
16:52It's a great world where there's women of all kinds.
17:01No matter how much I prove my worth to someone,
17:05I'm always going to be worthless.
17:07That's not my problem.
17:12There isn't currently a physical space for House of Grace,
17:15but Maria Jose is raising funds hoping that they will be able
17:19to find a place where trans youth can find shelter,
17:23hang out and keep on creating art together.
17:42Eso!
17:47We're so used to not seeing trans people in media, in art.
17:52Bitch! You look so f***ing good!
17:57I feel like it's even more so important to create work
18:01that will inspire young trans people
18:04to feel like they have a space in the world,
18:08something for people to look up to.
18:38Yo!
18:58We just met yesterday.
19:02Yo!
19:03No, Maria!
19:08So that's my first song.
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